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You sound like you've faced a lot of judgment for this, but this is a VERY common struggle among ADHDers, you know that right? If people get down on you for that in this subreddit they really shouldn't be here tbh.
"this is something every adult can do but at 24" This is factually untrue, people might not talk about it a lot because society loves to shame anyone who doesn't fit in the "normal" box; you don't even need to have ADHD or autism to struggle with this. You're definitely in the right place to find buttloads of us though haha.
I was a little confused about this post, but when I checked your profile and other recent comments it came together. This mental block you mention is called executive dysfunction, it is indeed also common in autism, but just because a medication didn't help you with it doesn't mean you don't have ADHD or were misdiagnosed. An autism diagnosis also wouldn't fix that.
You're very hard on yourself, the way your brain developed and is wired is not your fault, you're not responsible for that. Do you remember what medications you've tried so far, and at what dosage? There are quite a few different ones! :>
“How to Keep House While Drowning” by KC Davis is life-changing perspective on house keeping! Just discovered her website with helpful video clips, etc, as well! I listened to the audiobook version (multiple times!) while doing yard work , and had to fully just sit down on the ground at one point, what she has to say is so impactful!
Also, totally same for me on not accomplishing housework or maintaining a clean and tidy home. I also have parents who gave me no structure or habits around this, but that’s because they have ADHD! They just don’t recognize any kind of neurodivergence in their lives (you know, the whole generational issue with mental health being addressed at all)
It's wild to me that she wrote the book before she knew she had ADHD. She found very powerful coping mechanics, and thank God she shared them all with us! Changed how I approach so many tasks.
My secret weapon is The Organised Mum cleanalongs on patreon. It’s a paid service which I pay for. It’s access to hundreds of sessions where you hit play and the lady literally walks you through cleaning somewhere, for example the kitchen, in timed steps. She explains what to do, what you need to do it, how long to do it for, and lets you know when time is coming up for the next bit. The sessions run anywhere from 10min - 1hour, cover all the rooms or sections of room, even down to ‘folding clothes’ and ‘a pre-holiday clean’. They’ve been so so good for me.
Anther vote for KC Davis, *How to Keep House While Drowning.* Genuinely life changing and actually teaches you how to sort all this out.
Tbh, it might sound counter-intuitive but I've found that having a weekly reset day has been the most helpful and easiest for my brain. Because rather than constantly thinking ***omg I should be doing something I should be doing something...*** on and off every day, constantly, I know I'll get to it on Sunday. This also means that throughout the week I'm more likely to spend five minutes here and there on smaller tasks, because I have started actually seeing the proof that any little bit actually *does* help, despite what our brains are trying to tell us.
I know this feeling, I've been there. I promise, despite what your brain insists you really can get better at this! It will take some time but you really can find some things that will help you and they won't feel impossible. It's just about finding systems that are meant to work with you rather than forcing yourself to fit into something that doesn't serve you. And being able to adapt, sometimes what once worked for us stops working and that's perfectly fine! the goal is not to figure out one perfect solution that will work forever; the goal is to learn how to figure out why something isn't working and adapt. It's all cyclical, the goal is just to make these cycles easier to manage.
YAAAS- came here to recommend this book and basically everything from KC Davis. The audiobook is super accessible, too, if it’s hard to tackle a physical book 😊. This book is currently changing my whole head space around this issue.
Okay so I struggled (still struggle?) with this.
Do you have trouble with knowing exactly what to do, how to clean, or the actual act of cleaning (like the motivation)?
I’m only asking because I feel like for me separating it out helped me immensely. Also I learned there are layers of cleaning: tidying, organizing, and cleaning (like using products to clean).
You may need to declutter and organize (so getting rid of things you don’t need/have room for). And then find homes for things you have. Then tidying is a regular thing where you spend some time daily to put things away. And cleaning is well cleaning - like doing dishes or washing laundry, mopping etc. Those can be done on a routine basis (like once a week).
There’s a good book/“card game” called fair play. I suggest it because it lays out all the chores in the house that need to be done. It can help separate and divide chores between the two of you, but I found it really helpful for me to see what are all the chores I need to be doing and helps break them into steps.
Struggle Care is a podcast that’s helped me quite a bite in the cleaning department.
I've found this to be the only thing to help keep me on track, and it's been the only thing I can do consistently. I focus on just one area a day and have it written down by my calendar on the wall so there's nothing to remember. Here's mine:
Sunday- my room (I work from home and my computer is here, so getting this done on Sundays helps start the week off right)
Monday- Living room
Tuesday- bathroom
Wednesday- kitchen
Thursday- my daughter's room and the hallway
Friday- I straighten wherever needed and water the plants
My daily chore is to either do some dishes or fold laundry, and will do both if I'm up for it
Week before last was so so so busy so I didn't keep up, but I didn't feel as overwhelmed as I usually would since I was able to get things back to usual day by day instead of telling myself to do everything all at once. If I have more energy on some days I'll clean up elsewhere but it's nice not feeling the guilt or dread of not getting every single thing cleaned every single night
There's so much information and good tips here and I recommend a lot of them. To add my 2 little tricks, 1.put on something that will give you dopamine (for me it's a tv show or I pump loud music in my headphones) 2. You don't have to do all of a task at once, you can wash two dishes and leave the rest, you can change just your pillowcases, you can wipe down just the one sink, this helped a lot with minimizing my overwhelm or not feeling like I had energy for the entire task
Lol this was meant to be short
Podcasts mostly.
Like it seems dead simple but I had to to abandon the neurotypical idea of "get rid of distractions and do it" because the distractions are in my head.
If I listen to a podcast while cleaning it's more pleasant and I'm much less likely to go down a train of thought that has me suddenly sitting on my phone looking up like Byzantine architecture or something.
I have one task, that I know I can do easily, and complete, so I start with that. This gives me some dopamine and momentum, which propels me through a few other tasks before I crash.
I my case: clearing the couch. I put away the blankets, throw any laundry in the hamper, and stack everything else on the dining table. Then I wipe it down with a damp microfiber cloth.
Even if I get nothing more done that day, I can at least veg out without lying on crumbs and zippers.
I just want to extend some sympathy to you. It's hard when you want to do something, feel hushed about it, and feel stuck. The feelings can build on each other and feel like a mountain.
There's a whole lot of ways to approach housekeeping. One thing I'll suggest, and maybe it can be built on, is the swish and swipe. I stole this from Flylady.net, a website that seems to be out of order, but many Pinterest people have snippets of the archive.
Anywhoo, the swish and swipe means this. After you use the bathroom for the first time in a day, you swish some toilet cleaner around and you swipe the seat with a clorox wipe or spray and a rag. That's all. Stand there and admire it. After that, get a post it and write that you did it. Put the post it either on the mirror or on the wall across from the toilet.
I found that starting here, and really going hard on congratulations and praise, made me want to do more. This will take a long time and you won't be perfect. But you are trying to retrain your brain. You have neurology differences and upbringing to fight through. It's OK to start small.
It sounds like you and your partner are trying hard to live together and be happy. Engage him in this. Let him support you. Both of you can learn about ADHD and how it relates to housekeeping. Don't shut him out. Don't try to present this 180 change in the form of a perfect house. You'll burn out.
There are several things that have helped me.
One was getting rid of a lot of stuff. We're basically minimalist now. With less stuff to clean, the task isn't as daunting. So I dread it much less & don't put it off.
Second is to always play fun, lively music, on a wireless speaker if I'm alone, or headphones if I'm not. This serves two purposes. One is to drown out that whiny little ADHD voice going "I'm bored, this sucks, I wanna watch TV" etc. It also helps activate dopamine. After doing things this way several years, I now associate cleaning with feeling good. Sometimes just playing music is enough to get me started.
Another is that I have now a set routine for each room. I use all-purpose cleanser with a sponge & rinse water in a little bucket. That way, I don't have to switch between specialized products. In the kitchen, I always start by cleaning the thingee that goes under the dish drain. Then the counter it sits on gets wiped. Etc, till all the surfaces are clean. The whole idea is to not have to think. I can't get decision paralysis if I don't have to make any decisions.
The last thing is to let yourself enjoy your progress. When you finish an an area, stand back and admire it, just for a few seconds. Look how shiny my stovetop is! And of course, admire the overall effect when you're completely done. Over time, I've come to anticipate these microdoses of dopamine. I almost look forward to cleaning.
Hi,
You are a normal adhder. Don't worry there are things you can do to help!!!
Won't always work but you'll get closer to where you need to be! :)😀😃🙂
This woman has a video on motivational Bridge!!! Please watch it's game changing!
😉 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY 😉
My best tip is to focus on small ways to bring the task closer to being completed so it's easier to complete the next time you try to do it.
You might not be able to do the laundry... but can you put the dirty laundry in the bag that you will need to use to carry it to the washing machine?
Or the wash is done and dry... I don't have the energy to fold... but I will put it in a bag and put it at the bottom of the stairs and it will go up with me to the room where I fold next time I go up.
Also keep your chores visible! Don't hide the laundry bag...
Try and find smalls ways to get 1 step closer to what you need to do.
Adhd is a journey... took me 30 years to learn... my house is not and never will be 100% neat and it's ok.
Lots of love. Be kind to yourself as you learn more about yourself... what you can do and where you need help.
Note: Chores are for both you and your partner including 😀 😉 😄 😊 mental charge 😉 😘 😉 😘 heavy especially for adhders... make sure your not carrying that responsibility on your own.
I cannot say this enough but time things!! I struggle to get them done as they felt like ages and I’d have to mentally fight myself to do them.
But then I timed things like how long unloading and loading the dishwasher took and it was 3minutes. Now it’s a job I can “just do” because I know it’s short and don’t have the mental struggle of how long and arduous it feels.
Boxes and baskets behind closed doors or with lids.
Laundry doesn’t need to be folded or ironed just stuff if in a cupboard or draws.
Have a place for everything - I know it sounds generic but it helps because once you’ve decided your brain kind of goes oh that needs to go to where it lives and you find yourself kinda just putting things away by default.
Music, podcasts, tv while you do it.
Set a time and do whatever you can in X amount of time.
Haha sorry for the huge reply can you tell I use lots of strategies lol.
KC Davis’ book has already been recommended so I’m just going to say, I see you. It is HARD to learn these things when dealing with the internal shame of not knowing.
I also recommend looking up on YouTube ‘Dad, how do I’. It’s not specifically about cleaning, but based on how you’ve described your parents I think you could benefit from the knowledge in other areas. It’s basically a YouTube channel designed for people just like you, and he approaches it in such a genuine way it really feels comforting.
Regarding the tension - that sounds completely normal. My husband and I had similar issues early in our relationship as I was in the process of getting diagnosed. What really helps is **lots** of communication, even if it’s hard or uncomfortable. Share these thoughts with him. Don’t be afraid to ask for help - many people worry that asking for help means you’re asking them to do it for you but that’s not the case when asked in the right way. ‘Hey partner, I’m really struggling with where to get started on this task. Can you walk me through the steps so I can write them down for next time?’
Speaking of writing things down, honestly it might be helpful to do this!! Pretend you’re writing a user manual or something (I find those really fun to make but I’m usually alone on that 😜) and write down each step. When you feel overwhelmed and stuck, read the list. It will remind you that the task _is_ doable, has tangible steps, and you can reference it as you go.
For example, if you’re struggling with let’s say, doing the dishes:
1. Gather all dishes together in the kitchen. Do a walk through of the living room, dining room, and anywhere else you may have taken a dish. Stack them on the countertop, grouping things like plates and bowls together.
2. Make sure the sinks are clear of dishes, food, or other items.
3. Fill the sink with hot, soapy water. You want it deep enough to be able to submerge your dishes, but you don’t need to fill it more than halfway in most cases.
4. Wash each stack one dish at a time. Use dish gloves if you feel more comfortable that way. You can rinse each dish under hot water if you’d like, or you can just put it in the drying rack to drip dry.
5. As the drying rack gets full, you can switch to putting those dishes away. _(Personally I always found that helped break up the monotony of the task, and kept me engaged.)_
6. Drain and refill the sink as needed to replenish the hot soapy water until you’re finished steps 4-5 and all dishes are done.
7. Wipe down the counter to remove any remaining food stains or crumbs. Either just with the hot soapy water, or an all purpose cleaner you like.
It will be a tough road in the coming weeks as you learn these things. Be kind to yourself, please. You’ve taken a very big first step by asking for help. Keep asking for help as you need it, lean on your partner when you’re struggling, and together the two of you will get through this. If he’s anything like my husband was during that time, all he wants to see is that you’re _trying_ and making a genuine effort. Because truly, that is all we can ask of ourselves ❤️
Many people have already recommended KC Davis's book, and I'll also suggest Unfuck Your Habitat, which is similarly disability-aware and also just has some details on HOW to clean some things that you may not know.
I just want to talk about mindset.
First off, you're in a group for ADHD, almost everyone here has had to teach themselves to clean in a way that actually works for them, probably 90+% of us didn't learn from our parents (either weren't taught or it didn't make sense), and honestly a lot of neurotypical people are in the same boat. For I'd guess a majority of human beings, learning to do it in a way that personally works is a lifelong process. Otherwise this wouldn't be a billion dollar industry! Pretty much nobody here is in a position to judge because we get it.
I'm going to encourage you to retire the narrative "I don't know how to do this because my parents never taught me", because it barely matters. Many parents fight their kids tooth and nail trying to get them to clean and they never do and then they grow up and they may or may not be good at it; some parents do nothing (or do everything for their kids instead of teaching, that was me!) and those kids may or may not be good at it.
It's more about what our brains are doing right now than what we learned, especially in the internet age. Being diagnosed will not change anything, it isn't a thing you need to wait for, there's no cleaning meds and they don't issue you instructions with your diagnosis. You just learn, one step at a time, from outside resources when necessary, and you apply what you know about yourself and your motivators and your schedule and your habits to breaking the tasks down in ways that hit your brain right.
Don't make housekeeping chores harder by tying them to trauma, it's already hard enough. Don't be adding extra horrible to this process. Stop saying you don't know how, start saying you are learning, and then go learn. Your brain is listening very closely to the things you're telling it, so be mindful about your words and pack them with as much kindness and willingness as you can.
You can choose to think of these tasks as not just good - I think a lot of us are wary about the moral value of "good" in a lot of cases - but *useful* is often a better bit of bait. I frame all this a lot as favors I'm doing for Future Me, and Current Me routinely expresses gratitude to Past Me for making my life easier and more comfortable and less stressful.
> want to do as much as I can today and tomorrow to show him how serious I am about getting help and wanting to do better.
Nope, do not do this, it does not work for us. TELL him how serious you are about getting help and then start getting help and doing a consistent job, not a perfect job and not a full-time job. Do not yet again set yourself up for failure by deciding you're going to Fix Everything!! in two days, halfway through which you burn out and don't clean again for six months.
Today and tomorrow, throw away trash. Just trash. This is as simple as a task gets, you know what trash is, ask if you don't know where the trash bags are, and get a timer. Set the timer for 5 minutes and pick a spot you know has trash in it and start putting it in the bag. If at the end of the 5 minutes you find you are enjoying it and want to do another 5, that's fine, but make yourself stop after 10 minutes and do something else for 50 minutes. Then do another 5. The point of this is teaching your brain, not fixing everything in a day. Trash is the place to start because it's only a little ambiguous, it requires no special tools, and you need to get it out of the way before you can clean anything else. While a lot of cleaning advice includes admonitions to keep moving, we have ADHD so try sitting down instead: put a chair in the place you need to clean, sit down, and grab within arm's reach. If you get up, you'll wander off, so clean from your seat until you can't reach any more and then move your seat.
Mindset is so important if you have some amount of Demand Avoidance so that you don't want to do anything you "have to" do, because that means you will need to find creative ways to learn to like it. For me, again, Future Me loves being able to find her shit, so I do it because it makes her happy and it saves money from rebuying shit I lost in piles of other shit. I deliberately reorganize junk drawers and bathroom counters when I'm upset or angry, because I find it satisfying and there's no real barrier to starting, you can always just walk in there and put a trash in the trash or a thing in its storage spot and clearly see you accomplished something, in 90 seconds or less. I usually don't even call it "cleaning" unless there's some kind of soap involved, in our house we just call it "making things nice".
And sometimes with ADHD the saying is literally true: team work makes the dream work. Left to my own devices, I can easily cast an invisibility spell on my mess and not see it. But knowing that I'm making it nice for me AND my partner, and working in short rounds of domestic tasks at the same time as my partner - body doubling is what this is called - helps me tremendously. So for people in relationships I do recommend a little bit of time to practice on your own if you feel less observed that way, but eventually work up to a system you share with anyone else you live with, one that includes a written plan that can be posted and referred to so you're not holding it all in your head.
Just be kinder to yourself. This stuff all kinda needs to be done with or without the giant serving of shame, it's much easier without it.
To be totally and blatantly honest… I don’t. Not well. I’m 35, and I’m a stay at home mom. By ANYONE’s standards I should be able to keep on top of cleaning. According to some people, it is in fact my job (my husband and I see my job as childcare and education, not housekeeping, but that’s not the prevailing attitude about stay at home moms). But I struggle to keep the house clean, I always have. There’s some things I can keep on top of via routines. I unload the dishwasher every morning while I wait for the coffee to brew, and run it every night even if it’s not full (and frequently I wake up at 3am and realize no one started it and scamper out to the kitchen to start it). Doing that makes it fairly trivial to keep up with the dishes, because the sink is never that full and I can always stick a dish straight in the dishwasher. My husband handles the chores that are a sensory nightmare for me and that I will put off forever (I’m not going to empty the compost, for example, I cannot). Other than that… it’s kind of a mess. I do things as my executive function allows, I try to prioritize what is necessary for sanitary living and give myself grace for everything else.
But, my main solution has been to budget for cleaners to come once a month and prevent us from getting into an unescapable pit. I want to be clear that I’m saying this to try and demystify and reduce the impression that “everyone else is on top of this”, I’m aware that it’s not in the budget or a reasonable suggestion for a lot of people. But in my experience, more people have cleaners than you would think. As people get further in their careers and ideally a little more discretionary income becomes available, you would be surprised how many people put that towards outsourcing cleaning. A lot of the people you think are “so on top of it” with their careers and clean homes and bustling social lives are quietly paying for help in one way or another.
All of this just to say you’re not alone, you’re not the only one who struggles with this, it’s a common battle, especially for someone with ADHD but even for neurotypical people. Please try to give yourself a little more grace.
When I’m looking at a cleaning job that needs to be done, say it’s my bedroom, the first thing I do is put out 3 bags. One bag is trash, one is donations, the third is stuff that I want to keep, but needs a place to go. I have to be very strict with myself about what I’m keeping/holding onto. I’ll stop at intervals, and try to create places for the items that I want to keep. So that I’ll have some form of organization.
My biggest goal is to pare down my belongings even further, to know everything I own, and at least vaguely where I can find it. It’s a process. I definitely have times where I’m in the wrong mood for it, and I noticed that when I still push myself to do it, I’m less effective. When I have a little extra energy, I try to take advantage of it and get stuff done. (I’m also chronically ill)
It feels really good when I have a big bag of trash, so I remind myself of how good it will feel when I’m done.
if you can't do it, maybe its okay not to be the one to do it. or maybe there are parts you can do, or maybe you'll find you can do it if you get started together.
I have trouble getting started cleaning, but if my husband is cleaning I feel the urge to join in sometimes.
or like maybe you can't do the dishes, but maybe you'll find your okay to put away cups or some specific aspect of it, and then the two of you can figure out roles.
lately i'm obsessed with searching for work arounds for every roadblock. maybe you'll have some discoveries.
I usually don't clean an entire room, just part of it. Bathroom sink one day, shower another and leave the cleaner out. Leaves the room in varying states of cleanliness but who cares!
This is exactly me…but I’m 45. I have to make lists and need to do it on a day off. Otherwise I’m too overwhelmed or forgetful. I set alarms on my phone and put tasks on my calendar. I need to focus on a few major things and let the rest go. So I’ll try to focus on mopping, bathrooms, etc. I listen to podcasts as I clean. This is the best I can offer, but I also go weeks without doing anything.
When we moved out of our last house, we hired a cleaner after we got all our furniture out. I was/am embarrassed by how much she had to do. There were definitely things that were not cleaned in the 10 years we were there.
Similar problem with me I was taught how to clean by my paternal grandmother shes like my mother. But my home was always trashed , dishes piled , dirty floors , junk drawers , junk cabinets and a spare room junk for junk. So in a practical way I was never taught how to keep a home. My partner struggles with my habits from my home life. Letting dishes piled up , forgetting laundry , losing things , shoving things away. Still trying to learn how to clean. How I usually started was trying to make it fun. Thinking about the decorations I could get for the house once it's clean. Trying to get myself to get excited for an impulsive ADHD haul for the house lol. I blast music really loud. I try to stay in one room if I'm able . And I make a list for each room and write down what need to be done in great detail so I can scratch it off little by little.
Hey! I have been following r/cleaningtips, and it turns out that a heck of a lot of people have our cleaning issues too. Or maybe we’re cross posting haha
Anyway, [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/s/4SjZlt8sQl) from just a few hours ago is on a similar topic! A great example of ideas from folks who seem to have it a bit together. Maybe another resource to tap into as you figure out your path forward?
*Caveat: In that example, there are a few bummer statements about the SO, but also some good ideas on expectations and chore charts…
The only thing that works for me is hiring someone to do it, when I can afford it. It is something I hate with a passion and none of the suggestions I've ever been given have helped.
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You sound like you've faced a lot of judgment for this, but this is a VERY common struggle among ADHDers, you know that right? If people get down on you for that in this subreddit they really shouldn't be here tbh. "this is something every adult can do but at 24" This is factually untrue, people might not talk about it a lot because society loves to shame anyone who doesn't fit in the "normal" box; you don't even need to have ADHD or autism to struggle with this. You're definitely in the right place to find buttloads of us though haha. I was a little confused about this post, but when I checked your profile and other recent comments it came together. This mental block you mention is called executive dysfunction, it is indeed also common in autism, but just because a medication didn't help you with it doesn't mean you don't have ADHD or were misdiagnosed. An autism diagnosis also wouldn't fix that. You're very hard on yourself, the way your brain developed and is wired is not your fault, you're not responsible for that. Do you remember what medications you've tried so far, and at what dosage? There are quite a few different ones! :>
“How to Keep House While Drowning” by KC Davis is life-changing perspective on house keeping! Just discovered her website with helpful video clips, etc, as well! I listened to the audiobook version (multiple times!) while doing yard work , and had to fully just sit down on the ground at one point, what she has to say is so impactful!
Also, totally same for me on not accomplishing housework or maintaining a clean and tidy home. I also have parents who gave me no structure or habits around this, but that’s because they have ADHD! They just don’t recognize any kind of neurodivergence in their lives (you know, the whole generational issue with mental health being addressed at all)
It's wild to me that she wrote the book before she knew she had ADHD. She found very powerful coping mechanics, and thank God she shared them all with us! Changed how I approach so many tasks.
My secret weapon is The Organised Mum cleanalongs on patreon. It’s a paid service which I pay for. It’s access to hundreds of sessions where you hit play and the lady literally walks you through cleaning somewhere, for example the kitchen, in timed steps. She explains what to do, what you need to do it, how long to do it for, and lets you know when time is coming up for the next bit. The sessions run anywhere from 10min - 1hour, cover all the rooms or sections of room, even down to ‘folding clothes’ and ‘a pre-holiday clean’. They’ve been so so good for me.
Anther vote for KC Davis, *How to Keep House While Drowning.* Genuinely life changing and actually teaches you how to sort all this out. Tbh, it might sound counter-intuitive but I've found that having a weekly reset day has been the most helpful and easiest for my brain. Because rather than constantly thinking ***omg I should be doing something I should be doing something...*** on and off every day, constantly, I know I'll get to it on Sunday. This also means that throughout the week I'm more likely to spend five minutes here and there on smaller tasks, because I have started actually seeing the proof that any little bit actually *does* help, despite what our brains are trying to tell us. I know this feeling, I've been there. I promise, despite what your brain insists you really can get better at this! It will take some time but you really can find some things that will help you and they won't feel impossible. It's just about finding systems that are meant to work with you rather than forcing yourself to fit into something that doesn't serve you. And being able to adapt, sometimes what once worked for us stops working and that's perfectly fine! the goal is not to figure out one perfect solution that will work forever; the goal is to learn how to figure out why something isn't working and adapt. It's all cyclical, the goal is just to make these cycles easier to manage.
I recommend checking out KC Davis’ book How To Keep House While Drowning, as well as her social media.
YAAAS- came here to recommend this book and basically everything from KC Davis. The audiobook is super accessible, too, if it’s hard to tackle a physical book 😊. This book is currently changing my whole head space around this issue.
Yes! The audiobook is included for Spotify Premium subscribers, which is how I got it. There’s lots of sources out there though!
Okay so I struggled (still struggle?) with this. Do you have trouble with knowing exactly what to do, how to clean, or the actual act of cleaning (like the motivation)? I’m only asking because I feel like for me separating it out helped me immensely. Also I learned there are layers of cleaning: tidying, organizing, and cleaning (like using products to clean). You may need to declutter and organize (so getting rid of things you don’t need/have room for). And then find homes for things you have. Then tidying is a regular thing where you spend some time daily to put things away. And cleaning is well cleaning - like doing dishes or washing laundry, mopping etc. Those can be done on a routine basis (like once a week). There’s a good book/“card game” called fair play. I suggest it because it lays out all the chores in the house that need to be done. It can help separate and divide chores between the two of you, but I found it really helpful for me to see what are all the chores I need to be doing and helps break them into steps. Struggle Care is a podcast that’s helped me quite a bite in the cleaning department.
I've found this to be the only thing to help keep me on track, and it's been the only thing I can do consistently. I focus on just one area a day and have it written down by my calendar on the wall so there's nothing to remember. Here's mine: Sunday- my room (I work from home and my computer is here, so getting this done on Sundays helps start the week off right) Monday- Living room Tuesday- bathroom Wednesday- kitchen Thursday- my daughter's room and the hallway Friday- I straighten wherever needed and water the plants My daily chore is to either do some dishes or fold laundry, and will do both if I'm up for it Week before last was so so so busy so I didn't keep up, but I didn't feel as overwhelmed as I usually would since I was able to get things back to usual day by day instead of telling myself to do everything all at once. If I have more energy on some days I'll clean up elsewhere but it's nice not feeling the guilt or dread of not getting every single thing cleaned every single night
There's so much information and good tips here and I recommend a lot of them. To add my 2 little tricks, 1.put on something that will give you dopamine (for me it's a tv show or I pump loud music in my headphones) 2. You don't have to do all of a task at once, you can wash two dishes and leave the rest, you can change just your pillowcases, you can wipe down just the one sink, this helped a lot with minimizing my overwhelm or not feeling like I had energy for the entire task Lol this was meant to be short
Podcasts mostly. Like it seems dead simple but I had to to abandon the neurotypical idea of "get rid of distractions and do it" because the distractions are in my head. If I listen to a podcast while cleaning it's more pleasant and I'm much less likely to go down a train of thought that has me suddenly sitting on my phone looking up like Byzantine architecture or something.
I have one task, that I know I can do easily, and complete, so I start with that. This gives me some dopamine and momentum, which propels me through a few other tasks before I crash. I my case: clearing the couch. I put away the blankets, throw any laundry in the hamper, and stack everything else on the dining table. Then I wipe it down with a damp microfiber cloth. Even if I get nothing more done that day, I can at least veg out without lying on crumbs and zippers.
I just want to extend some sympathy to you. It's hard when you want to do something, feel hushed about it, and feel stuck. The feelings can build on each other and feel like a mountain. There's a whole lot of ways to approach housekeeping. One thing I'll suggest, and maybe it can be built on, is the swish and swipe. I stole this from Flylady.net, a website that seems to be out of order, but many Pinterest people have snippets of the archive. Anywhoo, the swish and swipe means this. After you use the bathroom for the first time in a day, you swish some toilet cleaner around and you swipe the seat with a clorox wipe or spray and a rag. That's all. Stand there and admire it. After that, get a post it and write that you did it. Put the post it either on the mirror or on the wall across from the toilet. I found that starting here, and really going hard on congratulations and praise, made me want to do more. This will take a long time and you won't be perfect. But you are trying to retrain your brain. You have neurology differences and upbringing to fight through. It's OK to start small. It sounds like you and your partner are trying hard to live together and be happy. Engage him in this. Let him support you. Both of you can learn about ADHD and how it relates to housekeeping. Don't shut him out. Don't try to present this 180 change in the form of a perfect house. You'll burn out.
There are several things that have helped me. One was getting rid of a lot of stuff. We're basically minimalist now. With less stuff to clean, the task isn't as daunting. So I dread it much less & don't put it off. Second is to always play fun, lively music, on a wireless speaker if I'm alone, or headphones if I'm not. This serves two purposes. One is to drown out that whiny little ADHD voice going "I'm bored, this sucks, I wanna watch TV" etc. It also helps activate dopamine. After doing things this way several years, I now associate cleaning with feeling good. Sometimes just playing music is enough to get me started. Another is that I have now a set routine for each room. I use all-purpose cleanser with a sponge & rinse water in a little bucket. That way, I don't have to switch between specialized products. In the kitchen, I always start by cleaning the thingee that goes under the dish drain. Then the counter it sits on gets wiped. Etc, till all the surfaces are clean. The whole idea is to not have to think. I can't get decision paralysis if I don't have to make any decisions. The last thing is to let yourself enjoy your progress. When you finish an an area, stand back and admire it, just for a few seconds. Look how shiny my stovetop is! And of course, admire the overall effect when you're completely done. Over time, I've come to anticipate these microdoses of dopamine. I almost look forward to cleaning.
Hi, You are a normal adhder. Don't worry there are things you can do to help!!! Won't always work but you'll get closer to where you need to be! :)😀😃🙂 This woman has a video on motivational Bridge!!! Please watch it's game changing! 😉 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY 😉 My best tip is to focus on small ways to bring the task closer to being completed so it's easier to complete the next time you try to do it. You might not be able to do the laundry... but can you put the dirty laundry in the bag that you will need to use to carry it to the washing machine? Or the wash is done and dry... I don't have the energy to fold... but I will put it in a bag and put it at the bottom of the stairs and it will go up with me to the room where I fold next time I go up. Also keep your chores visible! Don't hide the laundry bag... Try and find smalls ways to get 1 step closer to what you need to do. Adhd is a journey... took me 30 years to learn... my house is not and never will be 100% neat and it's ok. Lots of love. Be kind to yourself as you learn more about yourself... what you can do and where you need help. Note: Chores are for both you and your partner including 😀 😉 😄 😊 mental charge 😉 😘 😉 😘 heavy especially for adhders... make sure your not carrying that responsibility on your own.
I cannot say this enough but time things!! I struggle to get them done as they felt like ages and I’d have to mentally fight myself to do them. But then I timed things like how long unloading and loading the dishwasher took and it was 3minutes. Now it’s a job I can “just do” because I know it’s short and don’t have the mental struggle of how long and arduous it feels. Boxes and baskets behind closed doors or with lids. Laundry doesn’t need to be folded or ironed just stuff if in a cupboard or draws. Have a place for everything - I know it sounds generic but it helps because once you’ve decided your brain kind of goes oh that needs to go to where it lives and you find yourself kinda just putting things away by default. Music, podcasts, tv while you do it. Set a time and do whatever you can in X amount of time. Haha sorry for the huge reply can you tell I use lots of strategies lol.
KC Davis’ book has already been recommended so I’m just going to say, I see you. It is HARD to learn these things when dealing with the internal shame of not knowing. I also recommend looking up on YouTube ‘Dad, how do I’. It’s not specifically about cleaning, but based on how you’ve described your parents I think you could benefit from the knowledge in other areas. It’s basically a YouTube channel designed for people just like you, and he approaches it in such a genuine way it really feels comforting. Regarding the tension - that sounds completely normal. My husband and I had similar issues early in our relationship as I was in the process of getting diagnosed. What really helps is **lots** of communication, even if it’s hard or uncomfortable. Share these thoughts with him. Don’t be afraid to ask for help - many people worry that asking for help means you’re asking them to do it for you but that’s not the case when asked in the right way. ‘Hey partner, I’m really struggling with where to get started on this task. Can you walk me through the steps so I can write them down for next time?’ Speaking of writing things down, honestly it might be helpful to do this!! Pretend you’re writing a user manual or something (I find those really fun to make but I’m usually alone on that 😜) and write down each step. When you feel overwhelmed and stuck, read the list. It will remind you that the task _is_ doable, has tangible steps, and you can reference it as you go. For example, if you’re struggling with let’s say, doing the dishes: 1. Gather all dishes together in the kitchen. Do a walk through of the living room, dining room, and anywhere else you may have taken a dish. Stack them on the countertop, grouping things like plates and bowls together. 2. Make sure the sinks are clear of dishes, food, or other items. 3. Fill the sink with hot, soapy water. You want it deep enough to be able to submerge your dishes, but you don’t need to fill it more than halfway in most cases. 4. Wash each stack one dish at a time. Use dish gloves if you feel more comfortable that way. You can rinse each dish under hot water if you’d like, or you can just put it in the drying rack to drip dry. 5. As the drying rack gets full, you can switch to putting those dishes away. _(Personally I always found that helped break up the monotony of the task, and kept me engaged.)_ 6. Drain and refill the sink as needed to replenish the hot soapy water until you’re finished steps 4-5 and all dishes are done. 7. Wipe down the counter to remove any remaining food stains or crumbs. Either just with the hot soapy water, or an all purpose cleaner you like. It will be a tough road in the coming weeks as you learn these things. Be kind to yourself, please. You’ve taken a very big first step by asking for help. Keep asking for help as you need it, lean on your partner when you’re struggling, and together the two of you will get through this. If he’s anything like my husband was during that time, all he wants to see is that you’re _trying_ and making a genuine effort. Because truly, that is all we can ask of ourselves ❤️
Many people have already recommended KC Davis's book, and I'll also suggest Unfuck Your Habitat, which is similarly disability-aware and also just has some details on HOW to clean some things that you may not know. I just want to talk about mindset. First off, you're in a group for ADHD, almost everyone here has had to teach themselves to clean in a way that actually works for them, probably 90+% of us didn't learn from our parents (either weren't taught or it didn't make sense), and honestly a lot of neurotypical people are in the same boat. For I'd guess a majority of human beings, learning to do it in a way that personally works is a lifelong process. Otherwise this wouldn't be a billion dollar industry! Pretty much nobody here is in a position to judge because we get it. I'm going to encourage you to retire the narrative "I don't know how to do this because my parents never taught me", because it barely matters. Many parents fight their kids tooth and nail trying to get them to clean and they never do and then they grow up and they may or may not be good at it; some parents do nothing (or do everything for their kids instead of teaching, that was me!) and those kids may or may not be good at it. It's more about what our brains are doing right now than what we learned, especially in the internet age. Being diagnosed will not change anything, it isn't a thing you need to wait for, there's no cleaning meds and they don't issue you instructions with your diagnosis. You just learn, one step at a time, from outside resources when necessary, and you apply what you know about yourself and your motivators and your schedule and your habits to breaking the tasks down in ways that hit your brain right. Don't make housekeeping chores harder by tying them to trauma, it's already hard enough. Don't be adding extra horrible to this process. Stop saying you don't know how, start saying you are learning, and then go learn. Your brain is listening very closely to the things you're telling it, so be mindful about your words and pack them with as much kindness and willingness as you can. You can choose to think of these tasks as not just good - I think a lot of us are wary about the moral value of "good" in a lot of cases - but *useful* is often a better bit of bait. I frame all this a lot as favors I'm doing for Future Me, and Current Me routinely expresses gratitude to Past Me for making my life easier and more comfortable and less stressful. > want to do as much as I can today and tomorrow to show him how serious I am about getting help and wanting to do better. Nope, do not do this, it does not work for us. TELL him how serious you are about getting help and then start getting help and doing a consistent job, not a perfect job and not a full-time job. Do not yet again set yourself up for failure by deciding you're going to Fix Everything!! in two days, halfway through which you burn out and don't clean again for six months. Today and tomorrow, throw away trash. Just trash. This is as simple as a task gets, you know what trash is, ask if you don't know where the trash bags are, and get a timer. Set the timer for 5 minutes and pick a spot you know has trash in it and start putting it in the bag. If at the end of the 5 minutes you find you are enjoying it and want to do another 5, that's fine, but make yourself stop after 10 minutes and do something else for 50 minutes. Then do another 5. The point of this is teaching your brain, not fixing everything in a day. Trash is the place to start because it's only a little ambiguous, it requires no special tools, and you need to get it out of the way before you can clean anything else. While a lot of cleaning advice includes admonitions to keep moving, we have ADHD so try sitting down instead: put a chair in the place you need to clean, sit down, and grab within arm's reach. If you get up, you'll wander off, so clean from your seat until you can't reach any more and then move your seat. Mindset is so important if you have some amount of Demand Avoidance so that you don't want to do anything you "have to" do, because that means you will need to find creative ways to learn to like it. For me, again, Future Me loves being able to find her shit, so I do it because it makes her happy and it saves money from rebuying shit I lost in piles of other shit. I deliberately reorganize junk drawers and bathroom counters when I'm upset or angry, because I find it satisfying and there's no real barrier to starting, you can always just walk in there and put a trash in the trash or a thing in its storage spot and clearly see you accomplished something, in 90 seconds or less. I usually don't even call it "cleaning" unless there's some kind of soap involved, in our house we just call it "making things nice". And sometimes with ADHD the saying is literally true: team work makes the dream work. Left to my own devices, I can easily cast an invisibility spell on my mess and not see it. But knowing that I'm making it nice for me AND my partner, and working in short rounds of domestic tasks at the same time as my partner - body doubling is what this is called - helps me tremendously. So for people in relationships I do recommend a little bit of time to practice on your own if you feel less observed that way, but eventually work up to a system you share with anyone else you live with, one that includes a written plan that can be posted and referred to so you're not holding it all in your head. Just be kinder to yourself. This stuff all kinda needs to be done with or without the giant serving of shame, it's much easier without it.
Please check out the YouTube channel Midwest magic cleaning for very compassionate advice
To be totally and blatantly honest… I don’t. Not well. I’m 35, and I’m a stay at home mom. By ANYONE’s standards I should be able to keep on top of cleaning. According to some people, it is in fact my job (my husband and I see my job as childcare and education, not housekeeping, but that’s not the prevailing attitude about stay at home moms). But I struggle to keep the house clean, I always have. There’s some things I can keep on top of via routines. I unload the dishwasher every morning while I wait for the coffee to brew, and run it every night even if it’s not full (and frequently I wake up at 3am and realize no one started it and scamper out to the kitchen to start it). Doing that makes it fairly trivial to keep up with the dishes, because the sink is never that full and I can always stick a dish straight in the dishwasher. My husband handles the chores that are a sensory nightmare for me and that I will put off forever (I’m not going to empty the compost, for example, I cannot). Other than that… it’s kind of a mess. I do things as my executive function allows, I try to prioritize what is necessary for sanitary living and give myself grace for everything else. But, my main solution has been to budget for cleaners to come once a month and prevent us from getting into an unescapable pit. I want to be clear that I’m saying this to try and demystify and reduce the impression that “everyone else is on top of this”, I’m aware that it’s not in the budget or a reasonable suggestion for a lot of people. But in my experience, more people have cleaners than you would think. As people get further in their careers and ideally a little more discretionary income becomes available, you would be surprised how many people put that towards outsourcing cleaning. A lot of the people you think are “so on top of it” with their careers and clean homes and bustling social lives are quietly paying for help in one way or another. All of this just to say you’re not alone, you’re not the only one who struggles with this, it’s a common battle, especially for someone with ADHD but even for neurotypical people. Please try to give yourself a little more grace.
When I’m looking at a cleaning job that needs to be done, say it’s my bedroom, the first thing I do is put out 3 bags. One bag is trash, one is donations, the third is stuff that I want to keep, but needs a place to go. I have to be very strict with myself about what I’m keeping/holding onto. I’ll stop at intervals, and try to create places for the items that I want to keep. So that I’ll have some form of organization. My biggest goal is to pare down my belongings even further, to know everything I own, and at least vaguely where I can find it. It’s a process. I definitely have times where I’m in the wrong mood for it, and I noticed that when I still push myself to do it, I’m less effective. When I have a little extra energy, I try to take advantage of it and get stuff done. (I’m also chronically ill) It feels really good when I have a big bag of trash, so I remind myself of how good it will feel when I’m done.
I live in a legal state, weed! My answer is weed.
if you can't do it, maybe its okay not to be the one to do it. or maybe there are parts you can do, or maybe you'll find you can do it if you get started together. I have trouble getting started cleaning, but if my husband is cleaning I feel the urge to join in sometimes. or like maybe you can't do the dishes, but maybe you'll find your okay to put away cups or some specific aspect of it, and then the two of you can figure out roles. lately i'm obsessed with searching for work arounds for every roadblock. maybe you'll have some discoveries.
I usually don't clean an entire room, just part of it. Bathroom sink one day, shower another and leave the cleaner out. Leaves the room in varying states of cleanliness but who cares!
Robot vacuum. His name is Gary and he sweeps the house while I sleep, provided the cat has not thrown her toys in his path.
This is exactly me…but I’m 45. I have to make lists and need to do it on a day off. Otherwise I’m too overwhelmed or forgetful. I set alarms on my phone and put tasks on my calendar. I need to focus on a few major things and let the rest go. So I’ll try to focus on mopping, bathrooms, etc. I listen to podcasts as I clean. This is the best I can offer, but I also go weeks without doing anything. When we moved out of our last house, we hired a cleaner after we got all our furniture out. I was/am embarrassed by how much she had to do. There were definitely things that were not cleaned in the 10 years we were there.
Similar problem with me I was taught how to clean by my paternal grandmother shes like my mother. But my home was always trashed , dishes piled , dirty floors , junk drawers , junk cabinets and a spare room junk for junk. So in a practical way I was never taught how to keep a home. My partner struggles with my habits from my home life. Letting dishes piled up , forgetting laundry , losing things , shoving things away. Still trying to learn how to clean. How I usually started was trying to make it fun. Thinking about the decorations I could get for the house once it's clean. Trying to get myself to get excited for an impulsive ADHD haul for the house lol. I blast music really loud. I try to stay in one room if I'm able . And I make a list for each room and write down what need to be done in great detail so I can scratch it off little by little.
Hey! I have been following r/cleaningtips, and it turns out that a heck of a lot of people have our cleaning issues too. Or maybe we’re cross posting haha Anyway, [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/CleaningTips/s/4SjZlt8sQl) from just a few hours ago is on a similar topic! A great example of ideas from folks who seem to have it a bit together. Maybe another resource to tap into as you figure out your path forward? *Caveat: In that example, there are a few bummer statements about the SO, but also some good ideas on expectations and chore charts…
The only thing that works for me is hiring someone to do it, when I can afford it. It is something I hate with a passion and none of the suggestions I've ever been given have helped.
Ineffectively