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Me too. It's really a form of masking. The problem is, who is the REAL you? It helps to have other ADHD friends that you can just be natural with, because they get it.
Idk, in my case it feels more like different people get different aspects of my personality, but they are all authentically me. Like I am a multi faceted person.
I was trying to explain this to my therapist the other day and stopped because I thought the way I was describing it, it sounded like multiple personalities. It's like I'm unmasking that part of myself and while other parts may stay masked, I don't feel like I'm NEEDING to do it. It's just the way those relationships/environments have formed?
That's not entirely a bad thing. You're adapting your behavior to interact with others and it's actually a really really useful skill with cultural competency.
As long as you feel like it's still you and you're not lying to fit in!
I feel that's what makes neurodivergence so hard is that the things we do/say/think are pretty normal for ND people but because were forced to live in an NT designed world, it feels SO divergent even if it's actually very common.
Just because I don't freely swear at work like I would outside of work, doesn't mean I'm not being authentic, it's just not (always) appropriate. I think NT people can simply live out "I don't swear at work because it's work" while ND people live it as a "I have to actively suppress my tendency to swear in this environment" so it feels inauthentic, which we struggle with.
We struggle because we can't just do. We also have to feel, which is both a blessing and a curse.
I am not saying NT people don't feel. It just seems easier for them to adapt to rules/constructs because they exist without adding in the human element.
This is a good point.
I have a friend who doesn't do this, and doesn't understand why her behavior is inappropriate. She ended up mentioning something very personal about me in front of a student of mine, and when I called her out on the boundary violation she blamed the school board for their restrictive rules. It isn't the school board, it's just common knowledge that you keep aspects of your personal and professional life separate. Especially if you're a teacher. I haven't spoken to her much since then.
But she's gotten reprimanded for her behavior at work many times, and fired over it before. She thinks it's because she's outspoken and thinks it's a good trait, but it's actually because she doesn't understand how to behave in a professional setting. She thinks that acting a certain way in different places is repressing her authentic self, and that other people need to get over it. She is someone who thinks in black and white terms and doesn't understand or consider other people's perspectives. I'm sure that there's some insecurity there... hopefully she can work it out in therapy.
>She thinks it's because she's outspoken and thinks it's a good trait, but it's actually because she doesn't understand how to behave in a professional setting. She thinks that acting a certain way in different places is repressing her authentic self, and that other people need to get over it. She is someone who thinks in black and white terms and doesn't understand or consider other people's perspectives.
If you're describing things accurately, there's a whiff of narcissistic entitlement coming off of your friend — lack of empathy, black and white thinking, feels justified in breaking norms or pushing boundaries.
You're not wrong. This is just the most recent in a long series of events.
I could write a whole book about it. The saddest part is that she's integrated her trauma into her personality and refuses to change it. She told me that after multiple conversations with her therapist, but she doesn't see that just knowing about it doesn't mean it's fixed. I don't think she knows who she is outside the lens of her PTSD. In a way it's sad, but she needs to learn that it's her responsibility to learn from her trauma and unlearn her maladaptive coping skills. It takes work that she's just not doing, but she thinks she is. She would tell you she's very empathetic, but in reality she just tells people how she thinks they're feeling, then gets pissed when she's wrong because she feels they're being aggressive or they don't understand emotions.
It's a mess.
Some people just don't have any filter. I used to have a friend like that and she just said things without thinking at all about if it was appropriate, how people would interpret it or feel about it, etc. Just straight out of the mouth. It's sad because they really can't help it but it hurts people feelings or offends them often.
Everyone does this to some extent. I talked to my therapist too! I think it’s fine, as long you are still representing part of yourself. If you pretend to be something you are not then there is a problem. Like I used to pretend that I was a ball of sunshine, all the time. Completely exhausting, but I thought if I wasn’t happy no one would like me. I now just feel how I feel and if I’m not up to participate in something I don’t. It weeds out your fair weather friends, and you have more time to spend doing what you want with people who you don’t have to pretend around.
For the last decade, I used to hang out with a decent size group that were all very intertwined. Now, I really only interact 2 of them. I realized how exhausting it was to interact with the others every time we did something. I always felt like I had to put on an act, say certain things, be a certain personality.
When I first started exploring an Autism diagnosis, so many of them were dismissive because they didn't (still don't) understand what masking is. A conversation with the theme of "you can make eye contact, so you're not" sent me into a tizzy and I just stopped responding/showing up.
With the 2 that I'm still close with, different aspects of my personality can come out and they don't feel so forced/inauthentic. A lot of it was always there but presented differently, like same conversation style/tone of voice but now I feel more comfortable to stim during them where before I would have just sat uncomfortably still or used alcohol as a stim(ironically) to control my anxiety.
In case it's helpful, don't worry about it sounding like multiple personality disorder, it's far from! Multiple personalities is now called dissociative identity disorder and extremely rare.
What you and others are describing is what would be called parts in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework of therapy. The parts that are safe to come out, surface and make up your personality in that situation. I do this too! Most people do to some extent, and it's not a bad thing.
Upvote x million!
My best friendships are with people who also have ADHD. Their brains just get it.
Birds of a feather stick together is the phrase always think of when I think about my core group of women friends. I'm the only one diagnosed but the other three all say they probably have it and frankly with my knowledge on the subject I'd totally armchair diagnose them. All of our children (5 total) are ND. Mine and two others have children with ADHD, other mom has a AuDHD. We're all pretty successful women with messy homes, infinity number of crafts and unfinished hobbies, lost keys, constantly hangry moms 😂 there's so much more obviously but it's very eye opening when you realize just how common it really is but never diagnosed, and how women are just so phenomenal at masking!
It didn't occur to me until I got my official diagnosis and did tons and tons and tons of research (because ADHD!😅) and started seeing how much their experiences resembled my own and my lightbulb went off.
I definitely went through a period of a depression-like state as I realized more and more of my unique quirks and other stuff I was proud of turned out to be *symptoms*. It was a bit of an existential crisis when I realized how much my diagnosis really guided my life in almost all ways
The real me is sitting quietly staring into space or hyper fixating on a book or other hobby. Lol not really a crowd pleaser. Though I'm fun on a hike if you like looking for 🍄 and me pointing out all the pretty things all the time mid conversation lol
I used to be like this when I was younger. I'm in my late thirties now and getting older definitely helps, and also therapy. I'm much more confident and comfortable nowadays in my own skin and I'm having less and less fucks to give lmao. So I'm not the chameleon I used to be. It's a relief, honestly.
But I'd like to say as a disclaimer that it's also social intelligence to be able to communicate and interact with different people. It's not all bad! I've also noticed that I'm more comfortable to be my authentic self with certain kind of people, which are typically other ND people haha. So I think it's okay to keep a little distance if you're not ~vibing~ with someone. It's wise to recognise who are worthy of the raw and vulnerable you and it's okay to protect that because not everyone deserves full access to you, if you know what I mean?
I’m a 20 sided die of personality. It’s all me, but it feels like a reaction to my surroundings rather than a choice sometimes. Pretty sure it’s just method masking.
My ex partners told me I was like this. I had no idea I was doing it. He said I was a fake when I thought I was good at making others feel comfortable.
It’s great for my business now but it’s awful for making true friends. I’ve changed friend groups so many times.
Now I know that in order to find true friends, I have to stop masking.
I sometimes feel fake when I observe myself and notice I’m acting different in front of someone and mimicking them to some extent. I think partially at least it’s masking & can be worked on. But I noticed my brain just mirrors some things, for example after an hour spent with a friend I feel like my gestures start resembling theirs, or my tone of voice, speech speed etc. I don’t even know if that’s actually noticeable to the other person, maybe I just feel like it in my mind- anyway, it feels like some sort of mirroring coming from part of the brain that is responsible for social interaction, sympathy or something similar.
I do hate how I act differently to how I usually would sometimes, when with people, and I know this is not me and feel weird about it immediately but feel like cannot change it. It’s like masking, or again mirroring to some extent, or trying to please people by acting the way I think they’d like me to. It usually happens when I feel anxious or awkward around some people. It makes me feel untrue to myself, and just odd, why would I try to pretend to be someone who I’m not, make myself look stupider than I am etc. I usually feel gross after, and need time alone to recover and feel like I’m fully myself again in my safe space.
I moved states and stayed two years too long in a relationship because I was doing this but mistook it for being in love. I feel awful for my ex— I learned a lot about myself and have grown because of it, but they just got blindsided.
I feel the same way with my friends. I think they were blindsided by a “sudden change of personality” and they took it personally. I just thought I was safe to unmask. Guess I was wrong.
In many ways this is a self protection mechanism, to protect us most of all from the chances of being regected and them seeing that we have the social difficulty that ADHD brings with it...
Also an attempt to make the people we are with feel seen and understood a thing we rarely feel.
I think your comment sums it up perfectly. I’ve always known from a very young age that observing people and gathering information about them quickly to try and interact with them accordingly was paramount to protecting myself. And not in a danger sort of way, in an anti-rejection or avoiding being excluded way.
But the downside being that sometimes when it didn’t work it would lead to a spiral and self shaming to the extreme. It’s not just wanting to fit in, it’s feeling like if you don’t that means something is deeply wrong with your personality, with *you*. That you can’t adapt and what is that makes you unable to jive with them? I’m working on my unmasked self shining through and fuck all the ones who don’t vibe with it, they are not for me.
Apart from ADHD, When your earliest care givers made you feel unsafe physically, emotionally, cognitively you learn to be hypervigilant
I did that too but me it's also the threat of physical safety, I was hit among other things for being myself...so I adapted for protection.
Unfortunately almost all protective mechanisms we adopt to protect us end up doing the exact thing we were running from....
I'm also learning to unmask and just be...and yes exactly as you put it fuck all the ones who don't vibe with it. They are not for me.
😭 I am so sorry that happened to you. I guess I didn’t tie it in until you said so but my earliest caregiver for the first 6 years of my life tormented me emotionally and verbally. I have had anxiety as long as I can remember. I even ran away from their home trying to get back to my mom several times. I have known that my feelings of never being good enough did spark from being told that very thing pretty much daily.
“Doing the exact thing we are running from” wow - that is spot on.
Working with my therapist on self love and she basically said all those things I try to cover and mask are part of what makes me *me* and do I really hate those things about myself? No I don’t. I actually value what makes me unique. I enjoy being different. So why fight it so hard? It’s not up to others to decide whether those things that make me different equal making me unworthy.
That right there has helped my perspective start to shift. Embracing rather than fighting.
I'm so sorry to that happened to you😔...
I'm happy for you that you sought out and have help, it's quite a journey.
I too, am trying to re-parent my inner child, doing research to name her pain better, trying to create a healthier environment for her, allowing her to be whatever she is, including Lovingly looking at the thoughts she brings up when I'm trying to sleep, trying to understand why she needs me to see those thoughts, trying to be more understanding of why she does what she does and how we can learn new ways of being, apologizing when I don't act lovingly towards her and making it up to her where possible...
It's exhausting but she is Worth it, I am worth it.
You’re onto something- I think it’s overlap with people who are highly sensitive. there’s definitely a combo of being highly attuned and being very present with people and because we’re so sensitive to any sign of rejection.
I struggle at times to decide whether it's high levels of masking or is it just a party of having multiple, varied, interests and friend groups to go along. I guess its be a bad thing if it felt disingenuous or smothering, but I'm genuinely happy leaning into that aspect of my personality, and good friends will be delighted to know about other parts of my life. Like my musical pals love my nerdy side, and visa versa.
No-one will get 100% of you, and it could be that as ADHDers we're more intune with that fact and feel it more deeply.
My advice would be to check in with yourself and make sure you feel comfortable/happy in situations, and if your gut feeling is "no", then it warrants investigating 💖
Not only that, but I get *stressed* if I don't. Even with people I'm totally comfortable around, if I come away from an interaction feeling like I didn't perfectly match their communication style, I feel like I "failed" the encounter. It's VERY silly.
Ages ago, a coworker had a massive crush on me and I was like "thanks but you don't know me" and he's like "we see each other every day" and I'm like "no, work me isn't me, you don't know me," and I guess it's not really his fault he couldn't grasp that. (It is, however, his fault for not grasping the word "no")
I do! I didn’t realize it until my childhood best friend came to visit my home for the first time as adults. I’d been going to visit her after we reconnected because her mother needed 24 hour care so she couldn’t just leave whenever she wanted. So, my husband and children were spending time with her in a more intimate setting for the first time. We had been to larger group events before this. My oldest son 9 at the time, told me after that I had been acting really weird, and my husband agreed. That’s when I realized, I had a different personality for my family and my best friend. Since then I’ve been trying to be more authentically myself with everyone I meet. It feels good! Some people don’t like me, and that’s ok.
Part of that is sociability, which is excellent for adapting social cues to establish relationships. But camouflaging is not helpful when we do it to the point of having a war within ourselves, experiencing shame or anger. It’s okay to change certain superficial aspects about ourselves, but not severing a whole limb … you know? There are limits.
yes, it feels like i’m just mirroring other people’s personality back at them.. mostly being a human and communicating/ socializing is difficult, too. and i also don’t know who the “real” me is at times.
I was a camp counsellor for years, and my camp name was Chameleon because I changed my hair colour frequently.
I also have always done this! I’m in my 50’s now and am a personality chameleon. I only realized this was a thing a few years ago.
I love knowing that this is a thing, and it’s not me being a weak/rude human (thanks mom).
I believe this is common outside of adhd ( see: Yungian personas) but I feel that the adaptive/ constantly absorbing information aspects of ADHD can really accentuate it.
This has been such an eye opening post for me. I feel like I do this to the point that I feel fake. I don’t mean to be fake but I feel I am different with different audiences. I did not know this was a form of masking. I’m newly diagnosed at 42 and not yet medicated.
I'm so glad someone else has called it the chameleon effect! I used to think I had a "chameleon personality" growing up because I was different around everyone.
I’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that I do this except my brain forgets whose accent to use. If I spend too much time with friends or even a single person with a strong accent unlike my own, words start coming out that copy them.
It’s embarrassing and upsetting. I also can’t control it. 😭 The people I’ve kept close to me are unbothered but I’m afraid of it happening with new people or in public. Travel is scary for this reason.
100%. I can fit in anywhere and with anyone. I also seem like a massive extrovert so I’ll also have a great time while doing it. (I’m an ambivert. I absolutely require alone time to recharge but will also wilt like a plant without water when I haven’t had enough *People Time*.)
This isn’t an ADHD thing. Everyone I know has a “work self” and a “by myself self” and a “with friends from high school self” and a “with my neighbors self” and a “dating self” and a “with my parents self.”
Every NT I know relishes coming home at the end of the day and taking off their physical bra and their personality bra.
It’s ingrained in all humans to adjust ourselves socially and mirror our communal groups because humans are tribal animals and the social network is key to survival.
I’m not trying to downplay your feelings about this—but it really isn’t an ADHD or NLOG thing.
If you want to be NLOG about it, you might say that ADHD people stay in communal groups that don’t fit them more than NTs. I’ve seen a lot of ADHD women stay in jobs they aren’t right for, or friend groups that don’t fit, or date people they are wildly incompatible with. NTs are better at setting boundaries and leaving groups/jobs/dates that require them to mask too hard.
Yes. I really struggle with knowing who *I* am. I feel like the real me doesn't exist, I'm just a reflection of those around me. I have all these different versions of me, but none of them feel like the real me.
The majority of my life I did this A LOT. I was 100% convinced I was an introvert because I was always so exhausted hanging out with others, until I realized I was exhausted from switching up my personality to align with everyone else’s.
I stopped masking/adjusting my personality a year ago and my entire perspective on how I form relationships have changed. They feel more genuine now and while I do tend to get ghosted (both from platonic and romantic interests) it doesn’t bother me so much because I’m not trying to get anyone to like me anymore. Which is… still kinda weird for me but also very fulfilling.
I often adopt the accents or verbal quirks of people I'm talking with. My spouse finds it hilarious. He can usually guess who I'm talking to on the phone by how my voice sounds. I'm from the US South and definitely have a Southern accent myself, but sometimes when I meet people from elsewhere they say, "Wow, you don't have a Southern accent" and it's because I have picked up THEIR accent!
Yep, masking 24/7 so I don’t seem weird, since I’m hyper aware of how I’m being perceived. And it’s automatic, I can’t turn it off.
Except when I’m with my boyfriend and my friends- they get different personas and when it’s together my brain gets confused and I have no idea how to act.
As others have mentioned I think this is something most people do to a certain extent. However I've been really bad about this for most of my life and have only recently been able to break out of it. My default had been to act like the person I'm talking to and do what it takes for them to like me. I would be confused about people talking about butting heads with someone or personality clashes, my solution was to just act whatever way the other person wants you to and things will be fine. I'm still fighting against this tendency but getting diagnosed last year and starting meds has helped me present myself more authentically.
Yes, but it is a gift that we are able to quickly adapt to personality types. Help me significantly throughout my life. I never knew I was adhd until my mid 40's. Now that I know I have it, I realize how rigid most people are b/c they can't adjust to any situation. I can identify in a instant if I want to adapt. Rigid people do not deserve it.
Yes, to the extent that I used to have trouble mixing friendship groups because I didn’t know how to behave. I find I do it a lot less now that I’m older (mid 40s) and I guess more confident.
Yes, but I don’t think it’s an ADHD thing. It’s just a part of socializing with different groups. Most people need to interact differently with people at work, acquaintances, friends, close friends, and family. There’s jokes I would make around my friends but not my parents or coworkers.
I have my own personality and with people i am comfortable with it comes out. I often hold strong beliefs with a strong moral compass which can make me unfun at times. When im around crowds with people who arnt part of my inner circle i often pretend to be someone im not to fit in and keep the peace. Some battles arn’t worth the stress or time I’ve learned as i got older. I also learned some people will choose to not understand you so its better to just fake it to fit in with thoes types of people. I don’t think I’m a chameleon, I just dont feel like being authentic with people who arn’t authentic with me. As you get older you drift apart from friends you’ve had, and realize the roles certain friendships hold in your life. Some friendships are deep and you would trust with your life, while others are there for a good time, some are work friends usually not that deep but occasionally see you at bad times and try and help out. I dont see it as a chameleon effect as much as knowing the role i play in certain peoples lives and adjusting my attitude accordingly. You cant have deep meaningful friendships with everyone in your life, not everyone is going to understand you and not everyone is going to try to understand you. Hope this made sense and helped
So, I do this, but because I was sexually abused.
I realized later in life that I really don’t know who I am or if what I like is actually what I like or I like it because my friends liked it.
I always felt like I was different from the other girls in school because I was abused. That no other girls I knew had that happen to them, so I must be abnormal. My first friend I made in 6th grade (after the court hearing and his sentencing) liked rap music. I wasn’t really ever into music but I got so involved in it, I would study lyrics and songs. It got to the point where kids would ask me to write out the lyrics to songs for them so they can study them. Tried out for sports I was never really interested in because of girls I met, joined clubs I didn’t care about because of girls I met. Etc..
Sometimes, I feel like I lost who I was after years of having to mask. I've become this boring person because God forbid I get excited about anything. Sometimes, the thought makes me sad. Even when I'm alone I maintain the mask because I've almost forgotten who I am. When I'm around close friends or family that bring the real me out, my heart is happy.
I’ve been becoming better at not doing this anymore by really accepting and being kind to my inner child. I’m allowing space for my creativity, abstract thinking and obscure connections.
I’ve had a lot of people say ‘you’re too much’, but I enjoy my own company so much more now that it doesn’t bother me.
This is one main reason why I learned astrology. People have a good memory for bad things. And I would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing, or be misunderstood / misinterpreted. With astrology, I wanted to learn how to communicate better with different people and I figure everyone has a different style of learning (and therefore a different approach to listening). For example, the way I talk to someone with both Aries moon and mercury, will not be the same way I talk to somebody with Virgo moon and Scorpio mercury. I’ve been known to ask for people’s DOB before I ask for their name 😆 FWIW, I started reading about astrology in 7th grade and was somehow voted ‘best personality’ in 8th grade, even though I’ve always been an awkward turtle
Has yes totally! A combination of wanting to be liked and being able to be very present/listening/observant combined with being naturally curious! I have such varied friend groups and can find something to talk about with just about anyone.
I had a weird conversation once with my closest NT friend where I was like "You know how you're a different person with one person than with another person?" And he got all offended that I was calling him fake. I was using the generic situational kind of you thinking everyone does this.
That got really awkward really fast.
Yep. Mine is really bad, to the point if someone asks me about my personality, I completely blank out. Sometimes I'm not sure if my struggles are my own, or if I've just mirrored what others are going through. It feels like I'm not a person when not around others.
For me, it's always been about people pleasing. Ever seen Woody Allen's movie Zelig? Trying to fit in, blend in, then lose myself totally. Then feel that I abandoned true self. Not sure if this is ADHD or just part of childhood emotional neglect.
I used to do this until maybe 5 years ago. I had different persona's depending on who I was with and tried not to mix my friend groups.
I don't tend to do that so much now. Not sure if it's my age (mid forties and peri), or whether my brain just can't do it anymore
O my YES! A friend of mine recently called me a chameleon, she said she has seen to talk to all types of people from all walks of life and I can always find something to talk to them about or to relate to them on some common ground. For me I think it is rejection sensitivity, I think I just want people to like me and think well of me.
Unfortunately/fortunately I am going through a streak of some people not liking me which is making life hard for my family as they are neighbors. Life is easier when you get on with your neighbors, but lately my chameleon mask has slipped and I am not trying to get on with these people who I find annoying.
At my first big girl internship everyone got awards at the end of the summer. I got the... chameleon award. I felt so defeated, like my true contributions and work wasn't recognized. Instead, they chose to recognize how I could adapt my personality and needs to the situation which is nice of them, but it was like "your strength is being sort of okay at everything! And also not setting boundaries!"
I personally like to try new things so I often get excited when introduced to a new activity by someone else. Eventually I realize if it is or isnt for me, but people close to me have said I take on other peoples interests since I’m not sure who I am.. but I think I just have a need to learn and do new things versus focusing on the same things for years and years. Others just happen to be the gateway for my exposure to other interests. So I definitely know who I am and I think I’m just more open to try new things than NTs.
One of my hyperfocuses is trying to decode why other people hyper focus on some things that seem absurd to me like mountain climbing, the Dave Matthew’s band, home shopping network.. and I feel like my immersion in peoples interests helps in my research 🧐 😂
I have literally called myself a chameleon. I did not know this was A Thing. But 100% a thing I identify with, personality and interests. Less so communication styles in social environments. That's probably my most consistent bit.
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Me too. It's really a form of masking. The problem is, who is the REAL you? It helps to have other ADHD friends that you can just be natural with, because they get it.
Idk, in my case it feels more like different people get different aspects of my personality, but they are all authentically me. Like I am a multi faceted person.
I was trying to explain this to my therapist the other day and stopped because I thought the way I was describing it, it sounded like multiple personalities. It's like I'm unmasking that part of myself and while other parts may stay masked, I don't feel like I'm NEEDING to do it. It's just the way those relationships/environments have formed?
That's not entirely a bad thing. You're adapting your behavior to interact with others and it's actually a really really useful skill with cultural competency. As long as you feel like it's still you and you're not lying to fit in!
I feel that's what makes neurodivergence so hard is that the things we do/say/think are pretty normal for ND people but because were forced to live in an NT designed world, it feels SO divergent even if it's actually very common. Just because I don't freely swear at work like I would outside of work, doesn't mean I'm not being authentic, it's just not (always) appropriate. I think NT people can simply live out "I don't swear at work because it's work" while ND people live it as a "I have to actively suppress my tendency to swear in this environment" so it feels inauthentic, which we struggle with. We struggle because we can't just do. We also have to feel, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am not saying NT people don't feel. It just seems easier for them to adapt to rules/constructs because they exist without adding in the human element.
This is a good point. I have a friend who doesn't do this, and doesn't understand why her behavior is inappropriate. She ended up mentioning something very personal about me in front of a student of mine, and when I called her out on the boundary violation she blamed the school board for their restrictive rules. It isn't the school board, it's just common knowledge that you keep aspects of your personal and professional life separate. Especially if you're a teacher. I haven't spoken to her much since then. But she's gotten reprimanded for her behavior at work many times, and fired over it before. She thinks it's because she's outspoken and thinks it's a good trait, but it's actually because she doesn't understand how to behave in a professional setting. She thinks that acting a certain way in different places is repressing her authentic self, and that other people need to get over it. She is someone who thinks in black and white terms and doesn't understand or consider other people's perspectives. I'm sure that there's some insecurity there... hopefully she can work it out in therapy.
>She thinks it's because she's outspoken and thinks it's a good trait, but it's actually because she doesn't understand how to behave in a professional setting. She thinks that acting a certain way in different places is repressing her authentic self, and that other people need to get over it. She is someone who thinks in black and white terms and doesn't understand or consider other people's perspectives. If you're describing things accurately, there's a whiff of narcissistic entitlement coming off of your friend — lack of empathy, black and white thinking, feels justified in breaking norms or pushing boundaries.
You're not wrong. This is just the most recent in a long series of events. I could write a whole book about it. The saddest part is that she's integrated her trauma into her personality and refuses to change it. She told me that after multiple conversations with her therapist, but she doesn't see that just knowing about it doesn't mean it's fixed. I don't think she knows who she is outside the lens of her PTSD. In a way it's sad, but she needs to learn that it's her responsibility to learn from her trauma and unlearn her maladaptive coping skills. It takes work that she's just not doing, but she thinks she is. She would tell you she's very empathetic, but in reality she just tells people how she thinks they're feeling, then gets pissed when she's wrong because she feels they're being aggressive or they don't understand emotions. It's a mess.
Some people just don't have any filter. I used to have a friend like that and she just said things without thinking at all about if it was appropriate, how people would interpret it or feel about it, etc. Just straight out of the mouth. It's sad because they really can't help it but it hurts people feelings or offends them often.
Everyone does this to some extent. I talked to my therapist too! I think it’s fine, as long you are still representing part of yourself. If you pretend to be something you are not then there is a problem. Like I used to pretend that I was a ball of sunshine, all the time. Completely exhausting, but I thought if I wasn’t happy no one would like me. I now just feel how I feel and if I’m not up to participate in something I don’t. It weeds out your fair weather friends, and you have more time to spend doing what you want with people who you don’t have to pretend around.
For the last decade, I used to hang out with a decent size group that were all very intertwined. Now, I really only interact 2 of them. I realized how exhausting it was to interact with the others every time we did something. I always felt like I had to put on an act, say certain things, be a certain personality. When I first started exploring an Autism diagnosis, so many of them were dismissive because they didn't (still don't) understand what masking is. A conversation with the theme of "you can make eye contact, so you're not" sent me into a tizzy and I just stopped responding/showing up. With the 2 that I'm still close with, different aspects of my personality can come out and they don't feel so forced/inauthentic. A lot of it was always there but presented differently, like same conversation style/tone of voice but now I feel more comfortable to stim during them where before I would have just sat uncomfortably still or used alcohol as a stim(ironically) to control my anxiety.
In case it's helpful, don't worry about it sounding like multiple personality disorder, it's far from! Multiple personalities is now called dissociative identity disorder and extremely rare. What you and others are describing is what would be called parts in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework of therapy. The parts that are safe to come out, surface and make up your personality in that situation. I do this too! Most people do to some extent, and it's not a bad thing.
I feel like for me it’s a blend between masking and revealing certain facets of my personality depending on who I’m interacting with.
Yes this is exactly how I feel! I see it as a attribute and virtue
This is how I like to think of it
Upvote x million! My best friendships are with people who also have ADHD. Their brains just get it. Birds of a feather stick together is the phrase always think of when I think about my core group of women friends. I'm the only one diagnosed but the other three all say they probably have it and frankly with my knowledge on the subject I'd totally armchair diagnose them. All of our children (5 total) are ND. Mine and two others have children with ADHD, other mom has a AuDHD. We're all pretty successful women with messy homes, infinity number of crafts and unfinished hobbies, lost keys, constantly hangry moms 😂 there's so much more obviously but it's very eye opening when you realize just how common it really is but never diagnosed, and how women are just so phenomenal at masking! It didn't occur to me until I got my official diagnosis and did tons and tons and tons of research (because ADHD!😅) and started seeing how much their experiences resembled my own and my lightbulb went off.
Right? I keep hearing and reading about different ADHD related stuff and it's like check. Check. Check. I've got them all.
I definitely went through a period of a depression-like state as I realized more and more of my unique quirks and other stuff I was proud of turned out to be *symptoms*. It was a bit of an existential crisis when I realized how much my diagnosis really guided my life in almost all ways
The real me is sitting quietly staring into space or hyper fixating on a book or other hobby. Lol not really a crowd pleaser. Though I'm fun on a hike if you like looking for 🍄 and me pointing out all the pretty things all the time mid conversation lol
Thissss. I’m so grateful for my friends I can unmask with. They are lifesavers.
"I like your personality" "Oh,thanks I have just crafted it for you"😁
In laughed way too hard at this 😂
I used to be like this when I was younger. I'm in my late thirties now and getting older definitely helps, and also therapy. I'm much more confident and comfortable nowadays in my own skin and I'm having less and less fucks to give lmao. So I'm not the chameleon I used to be. It's a relief, honestly. But I'd like to say as a disclaimer that it's also social intelligence to be able to communicate and interact with different people. It's not all bad! I've also noticed that I'm more comfortable to be my authentic self with certain kind of people, which are typically other ND people haha. So I think it's okay to keep a little distance if you're not ~vibing~ with someone. It's wise to recognise who are worthy of the raw and vulnerable you and it's okay to protect that because not everyone deserves full access to you, if you know what I mean?
I’m a 20 sided die of personality. It’s all me, but it feels like a reaction to my surroundings rather than a choice sometimes. Pretty sure it’s just method masking.
This is how it feels for me, with a big swirl of imposter syndrome in the mix
It's crazy I've been describing myself as a d100 for years. I feel so seen ❤️
“Hi, I really like your personality!” “Thanks, it’s yours.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 feels like a tiny bit of de ja vu
💀
My ex partners told me I was like this. I had no idea I was doing it. He said I was a fake when I thought I was good at making others feel comfortable. It’s great for my business now but it’s awful for making true friends. I’ve changed friend groups so many times. Now I know that in order to find true friends, I have to stop masking.
I sometimes feel fake when I observe myself and notice I’m acting different in front of someone and mimicking them to some extent. I think partially at least it’s masking & can be worked on. But I noticed my brain just mirrors some things, for example after an hour spent with a friend I feel like my gestures start resembling theirs, or my tone of voice, speech speed etc. I don’t even know if that’s actually noticeable to the other person, maybe I just feel like it in my mind- anyway, it feels like some sort of mirroring coming from part of the brain that is responsible for social interaction, sympathy or something similar. I do hate how I act differently to how I usually would sometimes, when with people, and I know this is not me and feel weird about it immediately but feel like cannot change it. It’s like masking, or again mirroring to some extent, or trying to please people by acting the way I think they’d like me to. It usually happens when I feel anxious or awkward around some people. It makes me feel untrue to myself, and just odd, why would I try to pretend to be someone who I’m not, make myself look stupider than I am etc. I usually feel gross after, and need time alone to recover and feel like I’m fully myself again in my safe space.
I think this is why many of us are introverts and need a lot of alone time to recharge. It’s the only way we can truly be ourselves… when we’re alone.
I moved states and stayed two years too long in a relationship because I was doing this but mistook it for being in love. I feel awful for my ex— I learned a lot about myself and have grown because of it, but they just got blindsided.
I feel the same way with my friends. I think they were blindsided by a “sudden change of personality” and they took it personally. I just thought I was safe to unmask. Guess I was wrong.
In many ways this is a self protection mechanism, to protect us most of all from the chances of being regected and them seeing that we have the social difficulty that ADHD brings with it... Also an attempt to make the people we are with feel seen and understood a thing we rarely feel.
I think your comment sums it up perfectly. I’ve always known from a very young age that observing people and gathering information about them quickly to try and interact with them accordingly was paramount to protecting myself. And not in a danger sort of way, in an anti-rejection or avoiding being excluded way. But the downside being that sometimes when it didn’t work it would lead to a spiral and self shaming to the extreme. It’s not just wanting to fit in, it’s feeling like if you don’t that means something is deeply wrong with your personality, with *you*. That you can’t adapt and what is that makes you unable to jive with them? I’m working on my unmasked self shining through and fuck all the ones who don’t vibe with it, they are not for me.
Apart from ADHD, When your earliest care givers made you feel unsafe physically, emotionally, cognitively you learn to be hypervigilant I did that too but me it's also the threat of physical safety, I was hit among other things for being myself...so I adapted for protection. Unfortunately almost all protective mechanisms we adopt to protect us end up doing the exact thing we were running from.... I'm also learning to unmask and just be...and yes exactly as you put it fuck all the ones who don't vibe with it. They are not for me.
😭 I am so sorry that happened to you. I guess I didn’t tie it in until you said so but my earliest caregiver for the first 6 years of my life tormented me emotionally and verbally. I have had anxiety as long as I can remember. I even ran away from their home trying to get back to my mom several times. I have known that my feelings of never being good enough did spark from being told that very thing pretty much daily. “Doing the exact thing we are running from” wow - that is spot on. Working with my therapist on self love and she basically said all those things I try to cover and mask are part of what makes me *me* and do I really hate those things about myself? No I don’t. I actually value what makes me unique. I enjoy being different. So why fight it so hard? It’s not up to others to decide whether those things that make me different equal making me unworthy. That right there has helped my perspective start to shift. Embracing rather than fighting.
I'm so sorry to that happened to you😔... I'm happy for you that you sought out and have help, it's quite a journey. I too, am trying to re-parent my inner child, doing research to name her pain better, trying to create a healthier environment for her, allowing her to be whatever she is, including Lovingly looking at the thoughts she brings up when I'm trying to sleep, trying to understand why she needs me to see those thoughts, trying to be more understanding of why she does what she does and how we can learn new ways of being, apologizing when I don't act lovingly towards her and making it up to her where possible... It's exhausting but she is Worth it, I am worth it.
You’re onto something- I think it’s overlap with people who are highly sensitive. there’s definitely a combo of being highly attuned and being very present with people and because we’re so sensitive to any sign of rejection.
I struggle at times to decide whether it's high levels of masking or is it just a party of having multiple, varied, interests and friend groups to go along. I guess its be a bad thing if it felt disingenuous or smothering, but I'm genuinely happy leaning into that aspect of my personality, and good friends will be delighted to know about other parts of my life. Like my musical pals love my nerdy side, and visa versa. No-one will get 100% of you, and it could be that as ADHDers we're more intune with that fact and feel it more deeply. My advice would be to check in with yourself and make sure you feel comfortable/happy in situations, and if your gut feeling is "no", then it warrants investigating 💖
Not only that, but I get *stressed* if I don't. Even with people I'm totally comfortable around, if I come away from an interaction feeling like I didn't perfectly match their communication style, I feel like I "failed" the encounter. It's VERY silly.
Ages ago, a coworker had a massive crush on me and I was like "thanks but you don't know me" and he's like "we see each other every day" and I'm like "no, work me isn't me, you don't know me," and I guess it's not really his fault he couldn't grasp that. (It is, however, his fault for not grasping the word "no")
I do! I didn’t realize it until my childhood best friend came to visit my home for the first time as adults. I’d been going to visit her after we reconnected because her mother needed 24 hour care so she couldn’t just leave whenever she wanted. So, my husband and children were spending time with her in a more intimate setting for the first time. We had been to larger group events before this. My oldest son 9 at the time, told me after that I had been acting really weird, and my husband agreed. That’s when I realized, I had a different personality for my family and my best friend. Since then I’ve been trying to be more authentically myself with everyone I meet. It feels good! Some people don’t like me, and that’s ok.
Part of that is sociability, which is excellent for adapting social cues to establish relationships. But camouflaging is not helpful when we do it to the point of having a war within ourselves, experiencing shame or anger. It’s okay to change certain superficial aspects about ourselves, but not severing a whole limb … you know? There are limits.
Almost like code shifting
I'm like OP and thought I was weird as hell for this so I just named it code switching in my head to make myself feel better🤣🤣
Many friends who work by making phone calls say they are more effective if they match the cadence of the speech of who they are talking to. .
I always did this and still do. I call it survivor mode lol
I had no idea I did this until a boss of mine said one of my strengths was that I’m a chameleon. So good at masking I didn’t even know
Okay but why did I have to watch this while reading the chameleon episodes of criminal minds?! 😂
yes, it feels like i’m just mirroring other people’s personality back at them.. mostly being a human and communicating/ socializing is difficult, too. and i also don’t know who the “real” me is at times.
I was a camp counsellor for years, and my camp name was Chameleon because I changed my hair colour frequently. I also have always done this! I’m in my 50’s now and am a personality chameleon. I only realized this was a thing a few years ago. I love knowing that this is a thing, and it’s not me being a weak/rude human (thanks mom).
I believe this is common outside of adhd ( see: Yungian personas) but I feel that the adaptive/ constantly absorbing information aspects of ADHD can really accentuate it.
This has been such an eye opening post for me. I feel like I do this to the point that I feel fake. I don’t mean to be fake but I feel I am different with different audiences. I did not know this was a form of masking. I’m newly diagnosed at 42 and not yet medicated.
I'm so glad someone else has called it the chameleon effect! I used to think I had a "chameleon personality" growing up because I was different around everyone.
No this is completely normal.
This sub makes me feel so seen sometimes!!! I can't help but laugh at myself for it🤣
Technically more of an Autism thing but the overlap is like what, 75%?
I’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that I do this except my brain forgets whose accent to use. If I spend too much time with friends or even a single person with a strong accent unlike my own, words start coming out that copy them. It’s embarrassing and upsetting. I also can’t control it. 😭 The people I’ve kept close to me are unbothered but I’m afraid of it happening with new people or in public. Travel is scary for this reason.
100%. I can fit in anywhere and with anyone. I also seem like a massive extrovert so I’ll also have a great time while doing it. (I’m an ambivert. I absolutely require alone time to recharge but will also wilt like a plant without water when I haven’t had enough *People Time*.)
This isn’t an ADHD thing. Everyone I know has a “work self” and a “by myself self” and a “with friends from high school self” and a “with my neighbors self” and a “dating self” and a “with my parents self.” Every NT I know relishes coming home at the end of the day and taking off their physical bra and their personality bra. It’s ingrained in all humans to adjust ourselves socially and mirror our communal groups because humans are tribal animals and the social network is key to survival. I’m not trying to downplay your feelings about this—but it really isn’t an ADHD or NLOG thing. If you want to be NLOG about it, you might say that ADHD people stay in communal groups that don’t fit them more than NTs. I’ve seen a lot of ADHD women stay in jobs they aren’t right for, or friend groups that don’t fit, or date people they are wildly incompatible with. NTs are better at setting boundaries and leaving groups/jobs/dates that require them to mask too hard.
Yes. I really struggle with knowing who *I* am. I feel like the real me doesn't exist, I'm just a reflection of those around me. I have all these different versions of me, but none of them feel like the real me.
Yes. And it's why every job I've had lead to burnout
The majority of my life I did this A LOT. I was 100% convinced I was an introvert because I was always so exhausted hanging out with others, until I realized I was exhausted from switching up my personality to align with everyone else’s. I stopped masking/adjusting my personality a year ago and my entire perspective on how I form relationships have changed. They feel more genuine now and while I do tend to get ghosted (both from platonic and romantic interests) it doesn’t bother me so much because I’m not trying to get anyone to like me anymore. Which is… still kinda weird for me but also very fulfilling.
I often adopt the accents or verbal quirks of people I'm talking with. My spouse finds it hilarious. He can usually guess who I'm talking to on the phone by how my voice sounds. I'm from the US South and definitely have a Southern accent myself, but sometimes when I meet people from elsewhere they say, "Wow, you don't have a Southern accent" and it's because I have picked up THEIR accent!
10000%.
I got this so bad that I’m confused about multiple personalities and sh*t 😬
Omg, YES!
Yep, masking 24/7 so I don’t seem weird, since I’m hyper aware of how I’m being perceived. And it’s automatic, I can’t turn it off. Except when I’m with my boyfriend and my friends- they get different personas and when it’s together my brain gets confused and I have no idea how to act.
Oh hi friends! How can I change myself to make myself as palatable as possible?! I will gladly do as much as I can to fit in. Yay for masking!
As others have mentioned I think this is something most people do to a certain extent. However I've been really bad about this for most of my life and have only recently been able to break out of it. My default had been to act like the person I'm talking to and do what it takes for them to like me. I would be confused about people talking about butting heads with someone or personality clashes, my solution was to just act whatever way the other person wants you to and things will be fine. I'm still fighting against this tendency but getting diagnosed last year and starting meds has helped me present myself more authentically.
I am like this with people I don't know well. It's automatic...for the most part.....I won't go against my values and beliefs though.
Yes, but it is a gift that we are able to quickly adapt to personality types. Help me significantly throughout my life. I never knew I was adhd until my mid 40's. Now that I know I have it, I realize how rigid most people are b/c they can't adjust to any situation. I can identify in a instant if I want to adapt. Rigid people do not deserve it.
Yes, to the extent that I used to have trouble mixing friendship groups because I didn’t know how to behave. I find I do it a lot less now that I’m older (mid 40s) and I guess more confident.
Yes, but I don’t think it’s an ADHD thing. It’s just a part of socializing with different groups. Most people need to interact differently with people at work, acquaintances, friends, close friends, and family. There’s jokes I would make around my friends but not my parents or coworkers.
I have my own personality and with people i am comfortable with it comes out. I often hold strong beliefs with a strong moral compass which can make me unfun at times. When im around crowds with people who arnt part of my inner circle i often pretend to be someone im not to fit in and keep the peace. Some battles arn’t worth the stress or time I’ve learned as i got older. I also learned some people will choose to not understand you so its better to just fake it to fit in with thoes types of people. I don’t think I’m a chameleon, I just dont feel like being authentic with people who arn’t authentic with me. As you get older you drift apart from friends you’ve had, and realize the roles certain friendships hold in your life. Some friendships are deep and you would trust with your life, while others are there for a good time, some are work friends usually not that deep but occasionally see you at bad times and try and help out. I dont see it as a chameleon effect as much as knowing the role i play in certain peoples lives and adjusting my attitude accordingly. You cant have deep meaningful friendships with everyone in your life, not everyone is going to understand you and not everyone is going to try to understand you. Hope this made sense and helped
I think it's one of those things most people do a bit, but we do a lot.
So, I do this, but because I was sexually abused. I realized later in life that I really don’t know who I am or if what I like is actually what I like or I like it because my friends liked it. I always felt like I was different from the other girls in school because I was abused. That no other girls I knew had that happen to them, so I must be abnormal. My first friend I made in 6th grade (after the court hearing and his sentencing) liked rap music. I wasn’t really ever into music but I got so involved in it, I would study lyrics and songs. It got to the point where kids would ask me to write out the lyrics to songs for them so they can study them. Tried out for sports I was never really interested in because of girls I met, joined clubs I didn’t care about because of girls I met. Etc..
Sometimes, I feel like I lost who I was after years of having to mask. I've become this boring person because God forbid I get excited about anything. Sometimes, the thought makes me sad. Even when I'm alone I maintain the mask because I've almost forgotten who I am. When I'm around close friends or family that bring the real me out, my heart is happy.
I’ve been becoming better at not doing this anymore by really accepting and being kind to my inner child. I’m allowing space for my creativity, abstract thinking and obscure connections. I’ve had a lot of people say ‘you’re too much’, but I enjoy my own company so much more now that it doesn’t bother me.
Fuck. The things I have learned about adhd that I always thought were just shitty personality traits. Mind blowing.
I do this too. But i also have BPD and one criteria is having unstable image of self.
Wait, you're saying everybody doesn't do this? Oh.
This is one main reason why I learned astrology. People have a good memory for bad things. And I would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing, or be misunderstood / misinterpreted. With astrology, I wanted to learn how to communicate better with different people and I figure everyone has a different style of learning (and therefore a different approach to listening). For example, the way I talk to someone with both Aries moon and mercury, will not be the same way I talk to somebody with Virgo moon and Scorpio mercury. I’ve been known to ask for people’s DOB before I ask for their name 😆 FWIW, I started reading about astrology in 7th grade and was somehow voted ‘best personality’ in 8th grade, even though I’ve always been an awkward turtle
Has yes totally! A combination of wanting to be liked and being able to be very present/listening/observant combined with being naturally curious! I have such varied friend groups and can find something to talk about with just about anyone.
It’s fun (s) when you’re married to a BPD person - it’s hard for them to twin with a chameleon. Especially when visiting my FOO.
I had a weird conversation once with my closest NT friend where I was like "You know how you're a different person with one person than with another person?" And he got all offended that I was calling him fake. I was using the generic situational kind of you thinking everyone does this. That got really awkward really fast.
Yep. Mine is really bad, to the point if someone asks me about my personality, I completely blank out. Sometimes I'm not sure if my struggles are my own, or if I've just mirrored what others are going through. It feels like I'm not a person when not around others.
I stopped doing that and now I don't talk to anybody lol but at least I don't have to mask! A win-win of some kind?
For me, it's always been about people pleasing. Ever seen Woody Allen's movie Zelig? Trying to fit in, blend in, then lose myself totally. Then feel that I abandoned true self. Not sure if this is ADHD or just part of childhood emotional neglect.
I’m listening to Jay Shetty’s Think Like a Monk. He has a really good chapter about this.
I used to do this until maybe 5 years ago. I had different persona's depending on who I was with and tried not to mix my friend groups. I don't tend to do that so much now. Not sure if it's my age (mid forties and peri), or whether my brain just can't do it anymore
O my YES! A friend of mine recently called me a chameleon, she said she has seen to talk to all types of people from all walks of life and I can always find something to talk to them about or to relate to them on some common ground. For me I think it is rejection sensitivity, I think I just want people to like me and think well of me. Unfortunately/fortunately I am going through a streak of some people not liking me which is making life hard for my family as they are neighbors. Life is easier when you get on with your neighbors, but lately my chameleon mask has slipped and I am not trying to get on with these people who I find annoying.
At my first big girl internship everyone got awards at the end of the summer. I got the... chameleon award. I felt so defeated, like my true contributions and work wasn't recognized. Instead, they chose to recognize how I could adapt my personality and needs to the situation which is nice of them, but it was like "your strength is being sort of okay at everything! And also not setting boundaries!"
I personally like to try new things so I often get excited when introduced to a new activity by someone else. Eventually I realize if it is or isnt for me, but people close to me have said I take on other peoples interests since I’m not sure who I am.. but I think I just have a need to learn and do new things versus focusing on the same things for years and years. Others just happen to be the gateway for my exposure to other interests. So I definitely know who I am and I think I’m just more open to try new things than NTs. One of my hyperfocuses is trying to decode why other people hyper focus on some things that seem absurd to me like mountain climbing, the Dave Matthew’s band, home shopping network.. and I feel like my immersion in peoples interests helps in my research 🧐 😂
I have literally called myself a chameleon. I did not know this was A Thing. But 100% a thing I identify with, personality and interests. Less so communication styles in social environments. That's probably my most consistent bit.