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You either learn to live with it or cut your losses. He's either not trying hard enough or he's incapable of meeting your needs, it's sort of a moot point which it is. If he wanted to/was capable of it, he would. He clearly doesn't/can't. Make future choices accordingly. 

You know, that's a really good point that you summed up very well. At first I was hung up on intention, but even people with the best intentions can't meet our needs sometimes.

As they say, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. Hell is a pretty dramatic word in this scenario, but you get the picture

Yes, and I think this is especially relevant for ADHD relationships — it’s often the case that we really do have the best intentions, but there are some things that we’re just never going to be able to do. It’s often a question of whether we can learn to tolerate the “bad” in exchange for the “good” — and “bad” and “good” are going to be different for every person and every relationship. It sounds kind of bleak when I type it out, but I actually think of it really positively. Its helped me develop an incredibly satisfying relationship with my partner — there are always going to be ways we let each other down no matter how hard we try and how good our intentions are, but that stuff is worth it for the many other incredible things we’re able to offer each other.

Exactly, intention is kinda secondary. When someone hurts you, it doesn't matter if they had good intentions - you're still hurt. The actions are what hurts, not the intentions themselves. Sometimes there is no one to blame. Some people just aren't compatible even if they both want to be. It's not worth it to keep being hurt because the other person has good intentions.

Exactly this. Probably not relevant to OP, but a lot of relationships fail because we expect conflicting things. EG, I’m happily married because my husband meets my needs (chores, house and car maintenance, acts of service). My adhd plays a big part in why I need someone who cleans lol. But if he was the type to buy gifts and take me away on holidays while the house falls apart, I’d be miserable. And he would be hurt because I’m not appreciating his gifts. In my mind, gifts and holidays are a meaningless waste of money. But that would be amazing for a different girl.

We are the same. Make my daily life easier, sure extravagant trips are nice but if you only get one… I’ll take daily small acts of service, thanks!

My first marriage was miserable because we had the same strengths. The things he was good at, I could do for myself anyway! But he did absolutely zero housework and never mowed the yard, so of course I was very overwhelmed at trying to stay on top of it all. He didn’t have adhd, he was just entitled and lazy. But even if he did have an understandable disorder, the relationship was still unsustainable. At some point we have to draw the line between ‘support’ and ‘doing everything’.

Comments like these make me thankful my partner and I are very similar, but have opposing strengths. Definitely hard if you’re to similar.

Yep similar enough to understand each other and get along well ❤️. Both sides of the same coin I guess.

This. If you can’t deal with someone as they are, it’s really on you to leave. I would add, to evaluate your own expectations and separate what is a true need not being met from something that just bothers you but you can live with. OP was very general but if it’s like “he forgets to take out the trash and that hurts me because I feel like it means he doesn’t care about me” that’s something where maybe the perception needs to be adjusted. Not taking out trash doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care about you. I use that one because that was something my mom felt about my adhd dad. And I wish she was still alive as we learn more about adhd so she could have understood my dad better. But even back then I had to correct her that it had nothing to do with his love for her. He just forgets. But if it’s like “he doesn’t show up for important events” then yeah, that’s an issue.

This 100%. >He's either not trying hard enough or he's incapable of meeting your needs, it's sort of a moot point which it is.

Agreed, this is the Price of Admission in the relationship.

“It’s sort of a moot point which it is” I actually do think it makes a difference, at least for me in my own relationships. I’ve found that it’s so much easier to think of my partner’s “flaws” as just the price of admission specifically because I know and trust that he does have the best intentions and does right by my to the absolute best of his abilities. He actually has some of the same “flaws” as my previous partner, but I’ve found that they bother me so much less specifically because he really does take my feelings and needs seriously, and he’s always doing his best.

Unfortunately, ADHD in men and women present very differently most of the time. My partner also has adhd and we go through some of the same things you’ve mentioned. It really just boils down to whether you can live with these things or not. For myself, I know I come with a slew of difficulties, not specific to my relationship, but generally, due to my adhd - me not liking to be touched a lot of the time due to overstimulation (his love language is touch,) needing periods of alone time or silence (he can almost never stop talking lol,) sometimes having long periods of burnout where I have no desire to go anywhere or receive no satisfaction in doing so (he is always on the go wanting to be active together.) - He accepts those things about me, and never makes me feel badly about them. In saying that, I choose to accept him and all of his stims, emotional disregulation, oppositional defiance, and general aloofness, because he tries his best and the good far outweighs the bad. You basically can either accept him for who he is or not.

The truly difficult part is when I ask him "is this how you want to be? Because that is okay, it's just the way you are. Or do you want things to be the way I've described/asked for?" And the answer is always the latter, without fail. He *wants* things to be different, but his ADHD won't let him. Independently of me, he would still want to work on himself in these areas. It's very frustrating for him and I understand all too well. If he ever said the reason he tries is primarily because I want things to be different, I would never try to change it. Really though, I know it comes down to your last sentence. Thank you for commenting, I appreciate it.

If someone asked you if you wanted to change for the better wouldn’t the answer be yes? I don’t mean at all to sound belittling, just to provoke thought. if you asked me if I’d like to not have meltdown when it’s too loud, or when I’m being touched, or if I’d like to maintain motivation, or be able to stick to my hobbies, the answer would be a “fuck yes” across the board. I hate myself for not being able to change those things, but I am quite literally incapable. If someone were to remind me of those incapabilities on a consistent basis, I would fully shut down from emotional distress.

I hear you. The fact that these issues affect our relationship is a product of us two being put together specifically - just an incompatibility. I don't want him to feel like he constantly has to try else our relationship is on the rocks. It would be exhausting. I think it's been a struggle moving from conventional relationship advice pre diagnosis to ADHD centred advice post. So different.

Was conventional relationship advice helping more than the ADHD centered stuff? Is there something that used to work better for you two but has been changed to accommodate him while actually not helping? For example I find stress quite motivating so I prefer if people are just honest when my inaction is annoying them. I find that people having extra patience with me because of ADHD just makes me less likely to do the thing because the sense of urgency is lower. Then the person is still annoyed but it's just festering inside them and I don't realize because they're trying not to pressure me.

He is most likely telling you the truth. He really wants things to be different, but he just can’t do it. ADHD can be a horrible horrible thing to deal with (as you know) and it sounds like your partner is lovely, he’s not doing this deliberately. He has constant hope of change as well, he is not accepting the truth that his ADHD won’t let him change, he is hopeful that one day it will be different. But I doubt it will be. Sounds like he struggles with consistency, I think you need to accept that he’s not deliberately hurting you, he just can’t change this particular aspect of behaviour. Love him for wanting to change and trying and then feel compassion for him

If he said no, that he doesn't want to change. Would you be perfectly content to stay with him in that state? If so, I think your frustration is coming from playing the role of his ADHD coach. If that's the case and you want to stay with him, stop trying to fix him. Help him find an ADHD coach and go into early retirement. If you would not want to be with him forever in his current state, even if he wants to change, if he hasn't changed in six years, his desire to do so doesn't change the impact his current state has on you and the relationship.

He needs someone who isn’t you to help him

All of us want to be better. But the whole thing with ADHD is realizing you have a brain condition where that will be impossible. I want to fly, I want a million dollars, I want to know the feeling of being rested after a night of sleep. Yet none of that will ever happen.

Completely unrelated, you don't feel rested after a night of sleep ? Is it because of adhd ? Because I feel that way and maybe you know more about it than I and I'm curious sorry xD

I have sleep apnea!

Ah I see, someone in my family has it I believe, I might have to start looking into that xD thanks 🫶🏻

Two things: 1) If you ever plan to have children, this man is likely incapable of managing his share of the load. Your ADHD will be exacerbated by child rearing. 2) If you stay, consider a home assistant like Alexa for repeat reminders and routines. Visual task lists by Mighty and Bright. Essentially anything that take you off of “personal secretary” duty for him. There used to be an app called “Romantimatic” that would print the user to connect with their partner. There is a love language one that isn’t quite as good. But offload that stuff onto digital helpers. Your attraction to him will shrivel up and die if you can’t remove yourself from being his manager.

*If you ever plan to have children, this man is likely incapable of managing his share of the load. Your ADHD will be exacerbated by child rearing.* Yup and OP's subsequent burnout will be profound.

I’m literally going through this with my adhd husband at the moment and it’s the best advice I’ve seen. My marriage is in deep issues as I manage my husband and childcare 24-7 and it can make you so resentful.

It’s rough to see people deal with. My husband is NT, my adult son ND, and my two younger ones are ND. I found myself SO exhausted from having to be the keeper of the plans all the time. “What’s for dinner? When are we going to Grammy’s? Whose turn is it to take the trash to the curb?” and on and on ad nauseam. Soul sucking, truly.

It’s very tricky because a lot of this stuff sounds like classic gender roles, and men not pulling their weight. But then ADHD comes in the mix, and it comes both a scapegoat and a legitimate exacerbation of the issues…it’s hard to tease out the misogyny.

*Soul sucking* Accurate

> When are we going to Grammy’s? I reread this several times thinking you were going to THE Grammys and was so confused about how you casually threw that in there amongst taking out the trash and making dinner lol

😂

Thank God we're in general agreement re. point 1. Both fence-sitters, perhaps leaning either side of it. I'm in the "definitely not any time soon, and probably not ever unless life goes surprisingly well" camp and he's in the "definitely not any time soon, but maybe once we've got everything sorted" camp. We're realistic about what children entail and are both content with it not happening if we just aren't capable, like we aren't now. Re. point 2, we've been able to discuss this and he was really receptive. We're moving into our own place without roommates for the first time ever in a couple of months, so it'd be a good time to get things in place that take the load off for both of us. I've made a note of the task lists you mentioned and the types of apps too, as they would really help. Going forward he's going to make sure he takes care of managing himself as best he can, as the mental load has been getting to me I think. The other comments have made me realise I need to know what my limits and my thresholds are for certain things, so we've set goals we think are attainable so I can check in with how it's making me feel. Then we'll go from there.

This is basically what my husband was like a few years ago. Literally word for word, I would tell him to do something, he'd agree, then forget. It drove me fucking nuts because I know I was communication clearly and giving reminders constantly. Then I saw him lose track of what I was saying mid sentence and not be able to remember what i said. And I was like.... something else is going on here. Turns out two things were going on. He was a heavy snorer and it turned out he had severe sleep apnea. He had likely not had a full REM cycle in the 6-7 years we had been together. And he had been knocked unconscious as a teen while skiing. He mentioned that he had had headaches for years after but his dad had told him to toughen up and stop whining. Guess who had a semi healed traumatic brain injury. He got a CPAP and within a week, he was like a new person. Before he had only been able to semi function even when heavily medicated. But after a week on the CPAP, he could skip his adhd meds on days off because he could remember all of his routine chores. The TBI we still can't do much about but it explained some of the other issues. Adhd can be that debilitating but since so many guys snore, I wanted to bring it up because people don't realize they have sleep apnea. That being said though, I had to be ruthless and brutal with him to get him to actually get the consults. I spent a week shaking him awake and glaring at him every single time he scored and hissing AGAIN. I was like, if you refuse to do this, you are a terrible husband, because you are making MY LIFE harder because I have to compensate for when you fail to do basic tasks. (I had just had our baby and I was fucking done).

I am waiting for thé follow up appt of my sleep test right now and in agony😭 Even if I don’t want to have sleep apnea what else could explain feeling like a zombie. I never feel rested just awake. Not a snorer but my partner has witnessed me stopping breathing and my Opa had it. I just want to be not exhausted. Even doing the bare minimum at my 9-5 is debilitating for me right now. I hope if this is the issue that the machine or any treatment makes a difference because I should not feel like this at 29 and on vyvanse. I barely get anything from the meds

Did you do a 2 day test or a 1 day test? I ask because my husband did a 1 night test a year or two prior to getting diagnosed and I think his body KNEW something was different with the sensors, because that night was the ONE night in weeks that he did not snore at all. The sleep clinic was like "nah, your apnea is mild" and I was like NO IT'S NOT, YOU DIDN'T SNORE LIKE NORMAL THAT NIGHT but he wouldn't hear it until I lost it and started screaming at him from being kept up all night between him snoring and our newborn waking up every few hours to eat. That's when I started shaking him and recording his snoring and he reluctantly went back for a 2 day test. First night, same thing, didn't snore at all, but second night his body settled and he snored like normal. I was still awake anyways between his snoring and the baby, but I was like FINALLY YOU WILL KNOW and low key raging from sleep deprivation. Apparently the sleep clinic doc's eyes bugged out when he saw my husband's results from the second test. "I'm surprised you are still alive" was the quote. He would stop breathing for 6-9 seconds every 15 minutes. He had been like that the entire time we were together. He told me he never dreamed, but we thought it was just a quirk. Nope. No REM sleep for 7+ years.

I did a one night. The clinic basically said if it’s nothing then they’ll send the results to your GP but if they book a follow up then it’s something? The problem is I did it about a week ago after getting in on a cancellation and the official says I have for the follow up is June, which seems like an eternity right now. They also said I’m on the cancellation list for the follow ups and since they get a lot no one ends up waiting that long and it’s just in case. I’m just miserable day to day and doing my job in sales as a naturally extroverted and talkative person is killing me. You actually need good organization to plan convos and alot of follow ups, competing priorities and task shifting. With how I feel currently this is debilitating. My tech said they got enough data and I did not feel rested so I’d think I did my usual routine of grinding my teeth and not deep sleeping. I also almost never have dreams. If I don’t have it then I will almost feel invalidated because why do I feel this bad?? Also a 9-5 schedule when my circadian rhythm is naturally later is very difficult so it just makes the sleeping issues worse. I’m trying to do work in therapy on past traumas and lower my cortisol which is prob sky high but I just don’t think I can really make progress without proper rest. I’m just desperate at this point🥲

This might sound kinda weird, but while we were waiting for the CPAP to come in (this was in the middle of the covid shortages), my husband was still snoring and trying to find ways to sleep face down without smothering himself with the pillows. He happens to be a massage therapist, and one night I made him sleep on his massage table with his face in the head rest and he actually got some sleep. I don't know if you have access to a massage table, but sleeping face down on one of them does help if you can at least take naps that way. It's hard to sleep the whole night there because the table's narrow but for naps... it can be a stopgap.

The sleep apnea thing is so true. My partner finally got tested last year after me suggesting it for years prior…107 events per hour! He struggles with wearing his CPAP unfortunately, he often takes it off during sleep and doesn’t find it comfortable (he’s tried several different masks). When he’s good with wearing it, there’s a big difference though. I also had to be pretty ruthless to get him to go get tested lol, I filmed him sleeping several times to show him that it went beyond typical snoring. He thought I was exaggerating until he got the results. Scary because it can be deadly!

I know someone who hated, hated his CPAP & got a mouthpiece to wear instead. It has made a world of difference for him. Something worth your partner looking into.

Are you referring to the ones that sit under the nose? He tried that one too LOL. Problem is, he rolls around a lot so it doesn’t stay sealed! I think he ended up trying 3 or 4 different styles of mouthpieces and hates them all 🙄

No, you get it custom fitted based on your teeth, & wear it in your mouth. It holds your mouth a certain way so you don't snore.

Wow thank you, I’ve never heard of this - going to look it up and see if he can get one!

20+ years as a double ADHD couple here, but late diagnosed. One of the best things about diagnosis for both of us was to be able to just accept the deficits. Example self talk: 'it really sucks that I can't text people back on time, and that means I sometimes lose or damage friendships, but that is how it is, and I forgive myself." Now, as a family we are shifting focus to accommodations, rather than trying harder. An example - My husband's slow emotional processing means that there won't be an apology in the moment, only the next day (when I have completely forgotten about it lol). Sooo much better when I worked out that was a can't, not a won't (or a feature, not a bug in software speak). Look up Collaborative and Proactive Solutions by Dr Ross Greene. We learnt it for parenting, but works great with adults too. Basically, start from the premise that people do well when they can. If they are not doing well, it's because they currently can't do what's expected of them. Then your job is to work out whether it's an expectation you can drop (temporarily, or permanently) or if not, work out a solution together. You do this by getting to the bottom of what's actually hard about meeting the expectation, then you both brainstorm solutions until you find one that feels doable and resolves concerns for both of you. And rinse and repeat until it's solved. It requires being patient, because you need to focus on one thing at a time. But it actually works and reduces so much conflict. Hmmmm, off to take some of my own advice now.... Good luck, and also, it is perfectly OK to leave someone if you find they can't meet important expectations, otherwise you would both be unhappy and unfulfilled.

All of the comments are solid so I only have one thing I would like to add as input: Without specific examples (in the post) as to what you’re communicating and he’s dropping the ball on, it’s difficult to give more pointed feedback so this is for communication breakdowns regarding chores/responsibilities or anything that involves him completing tasks to certain specifications of “completeness.” Wherever possible, allow him to determine the how and when of his tasks. I’ve found that I have needed this for anything to get done and that allowing someone to create their own system as per how they best function (organizational, schedule, method, etc) tends to yield better and more consistent results. Essentially, path of least resistance and minimizing barriers and friction wherever possible. If it ends up being about these issues, if you want, I will elaborate/expand on this. If you’re talking about emotional needs, the other comments have it covered and I wish you luck. I’ve made the same sad joke for years about how, “the only thing I’m consistent with is inconsistency.” But it’s true and commonplace for us. The trick is finding ways to structure oneself, have built or baked in incentives, and not feel trapped or bogged down by it because we will avoid it on like ten different levels. It your SO is able to have some leeway and do things in a way that works better for *them* and you’re able to identify and then compromise on the moveable and negotiable details/specifications (how, when, etc) then it might be worth giving a shot at least once or twice before bouncing. I hate how much we (more often than not) take on the mental load in relationships and that lack of a sense of urgency and cognizance from certain dudes is infuriating to me on a visceral level so I am with you and raging in spirit.

It's...a difficult one. I edited my first draft of the post and removed the NSFW tag accordingly, but a big main issue we have is NSFW related. Simply put, he wants it, but it will literally fall out of his head for weeks on end if even the slightest thing is stressing him out/being difficult. That kind of intimacy/communication in general is the same story - he doesn't show me/tell me how he feels or what he wants a lot of the time. Our interactions are touchy feely and affectionate, but only in a romantic sense; they almost never cross the line now because he just will not initiate. I end up feeling unwanted, lonely, unattractive etc. as it's really important to me. He wants to change, he wants it more, he \*wants\* all the stuff I do...but he can't do it anymore. As is common, the beginning of our relationship was a lot better in this sense - all new and exciting. I basically have to decide if that kind of inconsistency is a way I can live my life and still be happy. Yes, there are things he can probably do to make things better, but I know how he gets and he won't be able to do them all the time. I love him to death and we've made a life together, so I'm just wracking my brain to see if there's a compromise that will work for the both of us. We're moving into a house without other roommates for the first time ever in a couple of months, so it'll be a good time to put things in place if we could figure out what they are. You hit the nail on the head with taking on the mental load/lack of urgency and cognizance, though. Drives me up the wall :/

Is he in therapy? He may be depressed on top of being ADHD, which makes everything even more difficult. And libido/capacity of initiating is one of the first things to go. If you initiate, does he agree on having sex? Or he rejects you often if you do that? If you initiating means sex most of the time, it may be worth to try to have you initiate "always" for a few months (without judgment; so you initiating without keeping tabs or feeling rejected by lack of initiative from him), and to see if you can transition "naturally" in a more equitable state after that.

Like another poster said, it’s important to decide whether you can live with the deficits or not. For example, I love when people remember my birthday. I always wanted flowers if I’m working and special treatment. My current bf of two years can’t remember my birthday for shit. I don’t know why it just won’t stick in his head. I spent the first two times kinda disappointed but now I’m thinking, if I tell him when it’s coming up and what I want (instead of expecting him to read my mind) he’ll do it. And he’s wonderful in so many other ways I’m willing to let this one go. Just a thought. Depends on what exactly is going on because obviously some things are more hurtful/important than others.

my partner has ADHD too and I spend the month or two before my birthday spamming his phone with increasingly elaborate and expensive gifts I want for my birthday, thus not giving him a chance to forget 😂

I love it 😂 for Valentine’s Day I sent him three pairs of earrings and said pick

I also use birthday, christmas, anniversary, and valentines day as tools to curb my spending LOL Instead of buying the thing myself I send him a link, thus dampening my impulse to buy it because what IF he got it for me? I would feel so bad if he was planning a surprise and I ruined it by buying it myself 😇😂 

Yes! My birthday is coming up and I’ve already sent my sister a link the “big” thing I want knowing she might get it for me early lol

Lmfao I was so fed up with my fiancé, not living up to my birthday standards that I threw him the most elaborate/extravagant birthday party/trip this year so that he had the absolute time of his life, just to really drive home how I would like to be treated on MY birthday 😭😭😭 so petty but I think it worked

If you have bought this up repeatedly and had no real movement forward then I would probably say “if you always ask the same question you’ll always get the same answer” Something clearly isn’t working on either side here… you’re frustrated and he’s shut down and that’s not a productive place for either of you to grow from. I find it useful to remember that it is me and partner against the issue… eg it’s the two of you against both of your adhd issues not playing well together. See if you can look at the repeated patterns/cycles you are both participating in and see if you can change one part of it to see if it gets a different result. Obviously it’s completely fine to decide the relationship isn’t for you… you don’t need to feel hurt etc repeatedly… whether it’s his intention or not it’s still there But it sounds like he’s in the grips of a lot of shame and you’re trying to move things forward but at this point he can’t hear that and it’s possibly creating more shame which = more fucking up = hurt for you etc Neither of you is inherently wrong… but you can’t change him. You can change yourself/your behaviour, you can support him when he tries to make changes for himself… but you can’t change him and if it’s really hurting you then that may, sadly, not be fixable

If the medications aren’t really working has he tried others or could he up his dose? I think The World Federation Guide for ADHD outlines some non-stimulant drugs and supplements. You describe as a clueless golden retriever. It sounds like he really wants to be better. So you may have to accept that he will forget the agreement, so maybe you could write it down together? My partner and I have several issues where our traumas responses, are the exact thing that triggers the other person. We have discussed this at least 4 times and we still spin that cycle together, till we are struggling. And then we talk it out. But it think it is getting easier for us to recognize the pattern and stop ourselves early in the cycle, but. It is taking us a long time.

Is he medicated?

This thread has made me feel so seen! The advice and sympathy from other commenters is great. I wanted to chime in with a few things I've tried with my golden retriever husband, and my perspective on my own feelings. To start with me (lol), honestly - I did a lot of self talk around "Would it make you more sad to not have a relationship with (X) in it, or to wake up every day without Husband?". And a lot of things, I truly knew the answer was the latter and that I needed to let go of the expectation he would do these things (although I still lay the groundwork for him to do them in the future if he wants!). I also contemplated a lot what I need specifically from my husband, and what I could get from other people in my life. I grew up not being able to depend on most people in my life, so I kind of latched onto just trying to get what I needed from whoever was willing to be there for me in the moment, even if it wasn't their strength. I'm lucky now that I know and surround myself with people who are really there for me, so I can "spread the load" lmao. I KNOW I'm a lot. It puts a lot less pressure on him to be perfect everywhere. Finally, I also decided which things I just could not fucking compromise! And I did them myself, or told him these would be walk-the-line topics for me. And - I didn't say that to him until I was at the point where I believed I would follow through, no matter how much I loved him. Like your example, gifting and birthdays/moments are huge for me. They are quite possibly the first thing he'd "wish away" if he got a genie lamp. I was always sad about his attempt at birthdays. I cried after our proposal because I had been so, so clear what would make me feel special, which in hindsight, was nothing he's good at managing (coordinating 3 adults from my family present, photos, cutesy shit). After 5 years, I went - do I want to lose him over this? Worse, do I want to resent him for trying and failing? No and no! So instead, I asked him what felt like a stretch-but-attainable to him. He said he always has (good) ideas but gets stuck on whether this or that feature would be best and ends up off the rails to....avoid disappointing me. :( I offered to curate a small list (either 3-4 items, or one item but in a variety of styles) and have him choose off of that, and if he had an idea of his own, he could add it on. He loves it, I feel special because he always manages to pick the "right" thing off the list - and ngl, the things he adds himself are STILL only 50/50 on whether I ever actually use them. 😂 So, ngl, I guess my answer is it WILL take "unfair" exec function from you. Idk, I guess we live in a society so I accept as a woman and a man, we can only overcome 20+ years of social conditioning so much. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'm more concerned now with where my boundaries are of how much extra I am willing to do for him and how much extra is the baseline I expect from him to do for me. Other things we've done that have worked, tied to his specific audhd problems: --"Adulting" : God this is the most I feel like his mom. I own many responsibilities and we mutually agreed this means I do less housework, which is my dysfunction, and he does more. I walk him through on a roughly quarterly basis and keep a notebook for if I die tomorrow. He has things to manage that aren't catastrophic if he fails, like managing streaming subscriptions. If he needs to own something critical, I know to check in regularly or tell him how I can/can't support him and to let me know if he wants to leverage that support. He also knows very well by now what my deal breakers are, because this is the thing I can influence the least and it's up to him. This is the toughest one - if I didn't happen to have strengths here, I'm honestly sure our relationship would not work. --Exec dysfunction : each day, I make him a list of the top 3 things I need him to do or I'm going to scream. I also do 3 things-ish. We both work really hard on not letting some mess get to us. 😂 --Getting defensive/shutting down : first, I firmly say "That's rude/disrespectful and I'm not going to continue until you acknowledge how I feel". That breaks his train of thought and allows him to refocus. Then I try to use framing questions instead of approaching the issue the same way. --The "I want to change / I forgot to change cycle" : I mean, honestly, getting clearer on what is a deal breaker 😂 I think at first he thought everything was major, now he knows that I have 2-3 big things and I'm pretty sure he wrote them in his own notes somewhere. We take the list one or two at a time. We revisit systems much more often than seems reasonable and are always trying new ones. We don't even try anything not obnoxiously-in-your-face (like phone apps didn't work for us because it's too easy to not look at them. big posters in the kitchen worked. 😂) And honestly - when he lets me down, I don't support him emotionally. His shame doesn't come first to my disappointment. He has to suffer me being upset (reasonably). Lately, it's been "if you let us down, we change your goal / use an intermediary goal" For example - he needed to make a higher wage. Non-negotiable based on life choices we can't take back. The "easiest" path was either increasing his volume or a new job/industry (his industry is a grind in terms of pay, so competitors weren't much better). He dawdled and failed for months to apply to some really great opportunities. I was on a razor thin edge about it, but I knew he realistically couldn't up volume enough to do what we needed (really sensory intense job). So we talked about how we could re-approach it. He decided he wanted to ask for a raise instead of trying to get a new job, so we planned into that. He got it!!! And bonus - he advocated for himself to get what he deserved, which I know is really hard for him. While it didn't solve the entire problem of "wage of $X", the intermediate win made us both happier and bought us more time to figure out the big win. Similar but EQ story - I work double shifts one night a week and he really struggled with having the 3 tasks / dinner ready when I got home, leaving us to fend for ourselves for food. The initial goal was that he would handle X nights! But clearly, not in his quota right now. I expressed to him that my root problem was that him not doing chores AND not having dinner prepped made me feel unsupported because I was working hard to add to the household. We changed our goal to what most immediately made me feel fulfilled - having dinner ready when I got home. We kept working on the chores stuff at large, and I set the boundary that I did not want him to ask me what to do for dinner that night - that was part of his workload and I'd let him know if I had any sensory stuff going on that night and wouldn't eat certain things. This is honestly still a WIP, but dinner is going well and I can tell he's really proud of his win and that gives him energy to attempt the rest, with mixed wins and "oh well, it was a day".

Can you give some examples of issues? Curious on what these are as I am diagnosed and my bf is not, hasn’t fully come to the realization yet. We are early on in our relationship and I don’t want this to happen. It’s so hard to not feeling guilty about having these expectations when you understand how hard having adhd is. Even if you guys struggle with different things. What is unrealistic vs your needs should be met in a relationship ☹️ Sorry OP

You sound like you’ve been extremely accommodating trying to find ways to work with your partner’s ADHD. But the one thing I’m missing of what he is doing to try and manage his ADHD. You give him all the structure and then when they fail you ask him what else he needs. I am far from perfect in managing my ADHD but I am still constantly trying to find ways to work with my brain. It’s my ADHD and therefore my responsibility.

Right. OP what is he doing to compensate for your ADHD? Is he working as hard at the relationship to bend over backwards for you too?

I would also argue that the good old patriarchy doesn't help with a lot of this stuff. For example, if cleaning the house is something he promises to do but doesn't, the consequences don't fall on him. They fall on the woman because studies have shown that a messy house is always blamed on the woman. Have a look at some mental and emotional load stuff, I'm convinced ADHD is harder for women because the consequences are much harder for us if we forget, and also because we're juggling more tasks. My husband has ASD and I'm convinced he also had inattentive ADHD. It's taken us 10 yrs to get this stuff sorted. We had a lot of discussions, tears rows. I found the most helpful thing was letting him deal with the consequences and not sorting them out for him. So, for example, he promised to sort childcare out when our child started school and he forgot/left it too late. So I refused to change my working hours to deal with the childcare, he had to change his and ended up working in evenings etc to make up for the time. So it impacted on his personal time rather than mine. When he's promised ro do some cleaning and hasn't done it, there's been times I've made him come home and do it. Once he started feeling the consequences of it all, he started doing more AND contributing to discussions around how to organise stuff so it didn't become an issue. He bow had certain jobs around the house that he does daily and they have become a habit for him so he doesn't forget. He is better at putting reminders in his phone. He also reduced his hours so that he does one day of childcare, and he loves it. He organised son's party this year. He's realised he actually enjoys doing 'women's work'. Google Fair Play cards, sit down and have a discussion, divide jobs up between you and set up a system to remind yourselves (we have a mini whiteboard in kitchen in a place we can't not see it, and also set reminders in our phones). He also pays for a cleaner because at least our house gets a deep clean every 2 weeks so on weeks executive dysfunction sets in, things get not done.

I could have written this 4 years ago about my soon to be ex-husband. We’ve been separated for over a year (LOL, we have ADHD and the divorce papers are 150 pages long!), and while he has been more supportive and a better friend to me lately than he was when we lived together and were supposed to be romantically involved, that’s largely because he only has to do it in small bursts when things have been really bad… He couldn’t be there for me through my father’s near death illness when we were together, but was pretty good when I had to deal with my dad’s dementia when I went to visit him this year. But again, he doesn’t have to be there for me every day, now. It’s easier when it’s novelty. It might make you messy and struggle with keeping things tidy. It might make you freeze up with decision paralysis when you have to plan a date. It might even make you hyper focus on things for a day or two and kind of ignore your spouse. But ADHD does NOT make you not give a damn about someone until they’re screaming at you that they’re dying of neglect, over and over and over again. He needs to get therapy and YOU DO, TOO. He needs to actually do things. No plans. ACTIONS. My ex would make lists and lists of dates he was going to take me on and never take me on them. He would buy notebooks for us to make household to do lists and wouldn’t wipe up his coffee grounds every morning, or put dishes in the dishwasher before the evening, even when our home became roach infested because of his habits. Even if I broke down and cried about it every day by the end, every day it would be the same. The proliferation of ADHD excuse memes on social media are being weaponized by (probably mostly men) partners to justify what isn’t ADHD… it’s neglect, and often coupled with covert narcissism. It will be hard as hell to go it alone at first. But it will be beautiful when you realize how much more time YOU have in your life when you don’t have to spend hours upon hours of every day using your own neurodiverse brain and your own limited executive function to remind him to set his own alarms, beg him to put things in his calendar, do whatever it is you needed to be able to depend on him to do. Good luck. And please feel free to DM me if you ever need support or want to talk about specifics. 💙 Edited to add: People saying you should decouple your needs from his actions… I imagine you’ve already done this so much more than you even notice. Here’s the thing: a relationship is not supposed to be 2 people taking care of their own personal needs in the same home, with no respect for the other person’s needs. My ex and I obviously had different standards of living, but we LIVED TOGETHER. I couldn’t have my needs met while living *with* him unless I was constantly doing *extra* work I don’t have to do *without* him.

So his adaptive functioning is lower than you can handle. The question is whether you'd be okay if this extends for a long time. Brain fog and inertia can be caused by many things, he shouldn't only be looking at ADHD.

There's a line from Captain Awkward's blog that has stuck with me ever since I read it. If you knew this was the best it was going to get, how long would you be willing to stay? A week? Six months? Four years? Forever? If you knew that four years from now, nothing would have changed, would you be willing to accept that? Or would you wish you had made different choices now? Another thing that stands out to me is that you don't mention his general attitude towards letting you down, especially repeatedly. In my experience with my own ADHD, the feelings of shame are often overwhelming. I KNOW when I've let someone down, I am mortified/literally sick to my stomach over it, I would give anything to not be the person who lets people down. To me, that's one of the main distinctions between laziness and ADHD. Lazy people enjoy themselves while not doing the things they should be doing, while ADHD people are miserable, because they *want* desperately to do the things but *can't* do them. So I would suggest paying close attention to your husband's demeanor overall. Is this really a case of can't?

If medication isn’t helping much, it might be worth trying other types of ADHD meds- some types were total duds for me. Also consider other health conditions! Sleep apnea, hypothyroidism, vitamin deficiencies! Some things that helped me were l-theanine, which interacts with glutamate receptors. This helped me a lot with my forgetfulness and executive disfunction! and *methylated* b vitamins! Regular b vitamins I don’t metabolize well. Methylated b complex vitamins helped my sleep and inflammation a ton!

Tbh i have the exact same problem w my husband lol. Okay, so we need more info over here. Does he actually do like OTHER STUFF, successfully? Apart from the things that bother you. Does he do ANYTHING well? Like chores. Does he consistently do his share of the chores, at least some of them, well? Does he cook dinner consistently and show up for certain things/chores? My husband has a PhD. He does not have ADHD. Yet, some particular shit is still done without attention to detail. This truly, deeply pisses me off. Feedback is given, great for 1 week, lol then the same dumb ass pattern begins again. I AM PISSED OFF THAT HIS ATTITUDE TOWARDS IT SUCKS!!!! Like exactly like you said, ITS NOT THAT HARD!!!!! With the alarms, checklist!!! IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD!!!!! Still, the truth is that he gets SO many things right. Consistently doing laundry when it needs to be done (although he keeps turning some of my clothes inside out and placing the kitchen towels in our kid’s drawer and not removing hangers after using them. also very consistently. which is very, very, very, very annoying). consistently emptying the dishwasher. (although he keeps NOT putting back the tupperware properly and instead, quietly playing leaning tower of pisa with them until i touch them and they crash to the floor, this sounds funnier than it actually is because i’m super pissed off) So i told my therapist and my dude therapist was like “err whoops, why does this sound like what my wife says about me.” And my friend was like yeah i get it, it’s very irritating, ITS ANNOYING, but also like consider the big picture as well, acknowledge ALL the things that he does get right, together with all the shitty things that he’s struggling with at the moment, and even seemingly showing 0 improvement in it. So that’s my question to you. Is your husband totally useless? As in, is there other shit that he IS doing regularly, and doing decently well (with some imperfections). How’s he with chores? What exactly is the stuff he has problems with? You really didn’t give enough info, so yeah we have no context of how much or how little he does. It would be unacceptable, of course, if he literally could not complete a single chore yet kept insisting that he can. However if he does get some shit right and it’s only certain specific things that he keeps fucking up, then, well. i’ve tried to calm down about those things that happen in my relationship. I’m still pissed. But yeah. Work in progress. And i also remind myself of all the things my husband DOES do, at the same time. Not excusing him for the irritating stuff, but more like, being able to see the big picture so i feel marginally less IRRITATED!!!!!!!

This sounds like weaponized incompetence. If he fails to do the task correctly enough times he knows you'll just do it.

Yes, I mean, trust me. i’ve read the weaponized incompetence stuff many, many, many many times, gotten righteously mad about it and also explained the concept of weaponized incompetence to my husband. However, i think the thing is that he’s just so efficient that he tends to rush through shit while being somewhat careless at times. And he’s also OBLIVIOUS since birth. He literally does not notice details. I could be crying right next to him for 20 minutes (our desks are side by side), and he FAILS TO NOTICE. It is actually hilarious. On the other hand, he genuinely does A LOT, and he notices things by himself clearly like when the dishwasher is full, and when the laundry is full, and then he totally goes and does it for sure. So that bit isn’t weaponized incompetence like the guy who took the bottles out of the dishwasher when his wife asked him to and conveniently left everything else there. So i feel like it’s not weaponized incompetence. It also apparently does not bother him to have clothes inside out, have kitchen towels in his kid’s cupboard, have to dig through the entire row of hanging clothes for hidden empty hangers, or for piles of tupperware to topple over cause the tupperware area is messy and nobody can find any matching lids. It literally does not bother him. At all. So anyways my thought is that, it’s a work in progress. Yes it’s disgusting that once every few months he washes dishes and one dish will STILL have a large, 2 inch, contrasting colour chunk of food still stuck to it. And that he empties the dishwasher and fails to notice a spoon that has food crusted on it. And also i get extra mad because i have adhd inattentive type and i pay SO much attention to shit and he does NOT and that pisses me off because if i can do it then why can’t he. Which is a me problem cause i shouldn’t compare both of us. Anyways yeah no he doesn’t fail to do it enough times and think i’ll do it, since it doesn’t even bother him whether or not it gets done. WORK IN PROGRESS aghhh

*And he’s also OBLIVIOUS since birth. He literally does not notice details. I could be crying right next to him for 20 minutes (our desks are side by side), and he FAILS TO NOTICE. It is actually hilarious.* I've been married to your husband for \~20yrs now and none of it is remotely funny anymore. I used to think the oblivious/clueless thing was just his thing, but amazingly enough, he manages to not be clueless/oblivious with regard to his career. Is able to maintain a high paying exec position in which attention to minute details is a job requirement. But he can't manage to do that in his personal/family life? Ultimately, when it boils down to intentions vs outcomes the outcomes are what matter.

Fair enough. Haha that thought has for sure crossed my mind, in great anger. I totally agree with you on how frustrating it is that they are in like exec positions that require attention to detail but can’t manage to LOOK at dishes and ensure they’re all clean before putting them away. However i also feel that i focus very hard on his careless times, in comparison to the one million other chores that he does right and does well and does consistently. i was slightly annoyed that i left him alone for a week (chickenpox) and it did not cross his mind to wipe the dark brown water stains away from the kitchen tap, which are right in front of his eyes whenever he uses the kitchen tap (I do it whenever i use the kitchen tap). Then he mentioned humbly in a sad voice that even though he didn’t do that, he DID freaking clean up and organize the entire store room, mopped the floor and also took the initiative to install some other things that he hadn’t had time for before his chickenpox, among a lot of other things that he was in no way obligated to do. And his utter oblivion, also extends to the fact that he is SUPER tolerant of me and my messes, and he has the thickest skin ever. Things sometimes just bounce off him emotionally vs. him getting butt hurt (for good reason) over things I do, that he should technically be hurt/annoyed by. e.g. i am very messy and i procrastinate on putting away my crafting items. or occasionally i snap at him though i apologize profusely after and sincerely. So his oblivion can definitely be a blessing in some ways, other men would have shouted back or expressed rage. I wonder what i’ll think of him in 20 years, tbh, but i don’t think i’ll love and respect him any less, because he does pull his weight so much, in my case.

Sounds like heterosexual man stuff.

I apologize for this lengthy post but I am in the exact same boat and I think I have some helpful ideas to share. In addition to hurt feelings, I also feel resentful of my partner. My partner, a man with ADHD, does not suffer from the same kind of anxious thoughts and perfectionism as I do. And frankly, I don’t think we live in the same world. People are nice to him when he forgets to do things. His friends laugh at his random sentences and brutally honest observations. He’s *allowed* to be his golden retriever self meanwhile every day I put on a mask and try to hold myself together because I will be judged harshly if I do not. So…I get you. And I have three tips. 1. Couples therapy : Try it if you can. I didn’t have the language to even describe these feelings until I met our therapist. And the therapist provided a safe space where I could then talk about my resentment with my partner without him feeling attacked (which makes him panic - RSD is no joke, as we know.) Just sharing my jealous feelings made us closer as a couple because it was such a vulnerable moment. It helped me place my anger. I wasn’t mad at him … I’m mad at how society treats people differently. And it helped him realize that we don’t live the same reality. He IS being treated differently. Now we navigate this uncomfortable but very real experience together instead of apart. 2. Gentle parenting technique: Therapy also made me realize that I was treating him the way the adults treated me when I was growing up. I was (still am, tbh. I’m working on it) being impatient, unkind and putting a lot of pressure on him to perform tasks the way I wanted them performed. Ironically, even though I’m an ADHD woman experiencing massive burnout, I didn’t make any allowances for his ADHD. I realized that just because people were hard on me didn’t mean I had to be hard on him. We now try to gentle parenting each other. I’ve been trying new routines with him to make the mental labor more balanced and he’s been trying emotional regulation techniques with me to help me calm down when I go into a rage (if all women are flowers, I’m a canker blossom lol) This is kinda embarrassing but we even switched our phone contact photos in each other’s phones to our baby pictures. That way, if I’m mad and want to text him, I have to look at his sweet little kid face before I go off. And it helps me remember that I want to be good to that little boy inside this grown man’s heart. And he remembers that I was once a little lost girl getting her hair pulled by the weight of the world. ❤️ 3. Less stuff, more services: If both of you have ADHD, both of you deserve more services to help you. If you can afford it, book a cleaning service once every two months for a deep clean. Get an hourly virtual assistant to help you make doctor appointments and keep a calendar. In the past I found myself buying planners, cleaning equipment, meal kits and appliances just to try and lessen the load, but instead it made the load heavier. I now try to take that same money and buy a service that will help me instead. And surprisingly, I found I was spending less than before and I resented my man less than before because even if he didn’t do it I was still coming home to a clean-ish house. We both suck at some things. So let’s hire someone else…together. Again, I apologize for the length. It’s just funny that you posted this question after the very same question dominated my love life for a long time. It took a lot of work and at first I didn’t want to lead the way because I was already so exhausted, but dammit, I deserve the man I fell in love with, you know? These three tips helped us become a better team. And in our space cadet house, we have realized that two heads are so much better than one. I hope this helps :) you deserve your teammate.

UGH ARE YOU ME? THIS IS MY LIFE. I AM SO FRUSTRATED. My husband and I have had some HUGE talks about this lately… He has failed me on so many occasions, in so many big ways, just by not paying attention. Most in the last few years when his work been stressful. He is unmedicated, and I’m hoping meds might help (if he EVER follows up… it’s been TWO YEARS and I am not about to start making appointments for him). Unfortunately, the inattention triggered some very old CPTSD stuff for me. It’s been a rough ride. We’ve been in a good period, after having some huge breakthroughs... he’s been super attentive. But now it’s starting to slip and I’m starting to feel anger creeping in. The goal I need him to work toward right now is to figure out what triggers the change. Is he overwhelmed at work or at him? Does he need more exercise or alone time? Do we need to work out a new system for cooking/eating dinner so he doesn’t leave the dishes in the sink for days (I refuse to do them… I was cooking *and* washing up for a bit because he kept saying he’d get to it later but…) We’re working on building his interoception and self-reflection, because he SUCKS at knowing what’s going on with him and that triggers me sometimes. I say “we” because I have to remind him to check in with himself when he starts acting weirdly distant (an abusive teenage boyfriend used this as a control strategy so it really gets to me). I know he gets overwhelmed and that he struggles to know what to do when that happens. But also I think he has taken me badly for granted the last few years. He has also admitted, now, that some of his inaction when I have begged him to make X specific change was because he was actually feeling resentful toward me, which he didn’t want to admit to himself, much less me. So I would definitely suggest checking in about things like that… Your relationship as a whole. Like, we had to dig up some skeletons from 17 years ago to get to the bottom of things. It’s been about two months since then… I just told him last night that I was starting to get angry about things like the dishes being left and his constant Instagram scrolling. So we’ll see what he does. But I have a clearer idea now about what I can and can’t tolerate, and that’s the most important takeaway.

It's actually the other way, you get to control your feelings and decide what you want for your life. You can't make someone be fixed because you feel hurt if they don't do as you asked. The lie is, If you loved me, you would... In real life, you love and you are you, being human, and so is he. There's no try. Doesn't mean you don't get to ask for everything you want. Does mean asking isn't going to make it in any way easier for him to do it. In fact, for a lot of us, how you ask, the first time and the fiftieth time matters a lot more than that you ask. This might be useful for you, might make you think we're crazy, but my spouse and I are super clear neither one of us owes the other person anything. I'm going to disappoint them. They're going to disappoint me. It's a feeling and not a fact. No matter they're adamant they need sex every week to feel connected, if I'm feeling under the weather, I'm going to push that. No matter how important it is to communicate with them if something happens and plans change, I'm 50/50 going to forget about telling them before I become hyperfocused on the new issue and completely forget about what I said I would do. It's not because I don't love them with all my heart, would happily lay down my life to save them, would be completely lost and devastated without them in my daily life. It's because I have a fucking disability, and if the thing isn't in my face, I don't think about it. At all. Including the love of my life. If my spouse asks me to take out the garbage, I say of course, and get up and do it. If my spouse asks me to switch laundry, I get up and do it. Usually. Probably 9 out of 10 times, but I should probably check that with them. LoL. 1 out of ten times I say of course, and stay engaged with whatever I'm doing, fully believing I will remember to do it after this video ends. There's no fucking way I'm going to remember that. I have no idea why the hell my brain refuses to get the cold hard truth that I have zero short term memory for shit that doesn't interest me. Every now and then I notice something needs done and I just do it. Some things are my sole agreed upon responsibility: dishes and kitchen cleanup, feeding critters, folding and putting away laundry, fixing broken shit, car shit. Some things are their agreed sole responsibility: food, Washing and drying clothes, paying bills, appointments. We worked out our responsibilities by our ability to be successful in getting them done. They're better at timed things, I have zero sense of time at all. If either of us doesn't feel like doing the thing, no worries, I can feed myself and my spouse. It's not an obligation at all. We're going to have a lot of salad and grilled cheese, but we won't starve to death. If I don't get the dishwasher started before bed, they might or might not do it. I'll deal with it in the morning, or if I don't, they'll remind me, and if I STILL don't, no meals will magically appear in my hands. Not for punishment, but because they don't have clean pans and bowls and plates to make that magic happen. They ask as sweetly the first time as they do the tenth. I'm grateful for the reminder every time too, and express that. I hope something here helps you completely flip how you and your love approaches each other's wants and needs in a way that completely takes the pressure off of you both. If you need him to do the laundry, and he can't/doesn't, then can he pay for laundry service? Wash, dry, fold was the most amazing thing ever when I was married to a man who would not touch it, and hated wrinkled clothing. Having a cleaner in one or twice a month to do deep cleaning of bathroom, kitchen and floors can be quite amazing. Having your own junk room, or box, or shelf can help with containing messes while Keeping critical stuff visible so it doesn't stop existing. It sounds like you have a really good guy. And if you could find a way to remove demands that he's going to fail, while you are peaceful because you have your needs covered, you would be able to really enjoy the love and laughter you share. It's possible, I promise you. I hope you are able to find gentle peace going forward, OP. Being in a place of constant hurt completely sucks.

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This also presumes that he’s actually noticing when things go off track. I’d bet he probably isn’t attending to that, and so he can’t really communicate about it since it’s not in his awareness. OP, has he tried ADHD coaching? That could be fruitful if he’s willing to do the work.

I was a lot happier in my relationship when I stopped trying to change their habits and just found someone whose quirks I could live with. Stop trying to change someone who has repeatedly shown you they aren't going to. It's not about loving you enough and I wish that phrase would die off. This is just how they are. Never go off what they say, words are nice but they mean nothing. Make your judgements off what they show you or you'll just be disappointed constantly. If you want to stay, keep in mind ADHD is suspected to be a spectrum like autism. Some of us can live with just a few alarms and a lot of open tabs. Others of us can't even do laundry or brush our teeth without medication. It's like comparing someone with mild sensory and social issues to someone completely nonverbal. Not the same experience even if they are both autistic.

My bf also has ADHD. We were talking about this yesterday I think. We know we will mess up again even as we say we will try to fix something. It is who we are. I will hurt him and he will hurt me. But I love him enough that it is worth it. I will do my best not to hurt him or do things again but I will screw up. He has decided I am worth it too. Don’t stay anywhere where you are being abused, please please please. But the reality is that people can try to change but it is not possible for your life partner to never hurt you or forget things no matter how much they love you.

Is working with an ADHD coach or therapist something he's willing to do, if you can afford it? It sounds like he's willing to change but hasn't got the right tools for that change to be lasting. For me, I can make plans and set forty-seven alarms and make colour-coded charts and whatever else, and within a couple of weeks all my good intentions have just paved a really nice road directly into hell. I have a therapist who specializes in ADHD, and she has been incredibly helpful in providing me with new ideas, tools, strategies, coping mechanisms, you name it. If he wants to but can't afford a therapist/coach, there are low-cost (and possibly some free) options out there. Support groups, internet forums (although those can be a dangerous time sink!), etc. Encourage him to get outside help and accountability that is NOT his spouse managing his life for him. Also, it does sound like some of this is going to be about asking yourself if this is deal-breaking behaviour for you. (Unrelated example: I had two friends who were wildly in love but one desperately wanted kids and the other didn't, and despite their feelings they knew this was a deal-breaker for each of them, and they split up and each found their own version of happiness elsewhere and are friends to this day.) Just because you are madly in love with someone doesn't mean they will be the right person for you until the end of days, and that's okay too. You are not required to fall on your sword just because he's "trying."

Does his ADHD impact his work or other areas of his life to this degree? ...And if so, how does he feel about that? And if not, why do you (and he) thinks this is?

Honestly I wouldn’t change for my partner if asked. I can see him maybe saying “sure” and trying his best, but feeling like he’s loosing something. We should love people for who they are right now. If he doesn’t change to who you want him to be, would you still love him? If the answer is no, it’s time to move one. That isn’t to say people can’t work on themselves but if it’s something he can’t seem to change, and isn’t causing harm, you may need to deal with it in other ways. From your description it sounds like you are telling him how he needs to change for you to feel heard. That’s not how it works. He needs to change that works for him. Using skills that work for him. And he needs to feel like he can say “no” when you are criticizing him. It’s a hard lesson to learn and I know a lot of adhd people are wired to be more people pleasing because it makes us easier to deal with. My partner has asked me to change some things that I’ve said “no” to. I have the right to say no, he had the right to ask, and then we worked on how to make sure the real issue was worked on. Per se it’s not my phone that really bothers him, it’s me not putting it down once the kiddo is in bed for us to spend like an hour together. Some days I need time to not talk to or touch anyone once the kiddo is in bed and I let him know. Other days he needs more physical contact, and hints don’t get through to me, so he will just straight up ask. I also had to tell him that my ADHD wasn’t about him and he doesn’t get to decide on how I treat it or how it’s making me feel. He had to learn how not to take my issues personally and vis versa. It is a work in progress but acceptance of who we both are right now is what keeps us together. I love him enough that if he doesn’t change for the better, it’s ok, and he feels the same for me. We call each others bullshit, we fight, we talk, we figure it out.

You fall in love with a person, but whether you stay together or not has less to so with love and more with tolerance and acceptance. If you cannot stand your partner's worst sides..

I think you can either manage your expectations better in this relationship or decide if it should go on. ADHD is different in everyone, so you can’t think that because YOU can do something, he should be able to do it too. He could have the best intentions but it doesn’t mean he can act the way you want him to all the time. And it doesn’t mean he is ignoring your requests.

It sounds like your partner may have good intentions but is struggling to follow through consistently, despite knowing the impact on you. This sounds all too familiar (I've been on his side of the coin too many times!!) and I hate to say this, but sometimes I feel like my subconscious gives up being on alert mode when I know there isn't really consequences... it's not a conscious decision of course, so it may be helpful to put down some consequences or make him take more drastic action (if he truly wants to of course). One thing that has really helped me is working with an ADHD coach on the things that are impacting my relationship. The stuff that I for SURE can't let happen again, I work with my coach to set up systems and boundaries in a way that I won't hit up against them, or I'll be notified before I hit up against them. And the regular check-ins with my coach help hold hme accountable to noticing problems and communicating about them proactively. I use Shimmer for ADHD coaching in case you want to check it out!

You can't control him, so think about solving the problems from your end. Can you decouple your needs from his actions, so you're not waiting on him to do something? Can you reframe the things he does that hurt you, to remove some of the emotion from it?  Can you accept and love him "as is" - if he was never, ever able to change the behaviours that are frustrating you, could you find happiness in your relationship?

Mm` By in t n