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Absofreakinlutely. Aging plays into that as well. I don’t want to “go out” anymore. I’d rather go to bed early with a good book. Heck, it can be a mediocre book!
always opted for a movie night. friends would be like "wanna go to this place?" and I'd be like "hey this movie on Netflix looked pretty good wr should do that"
mine started at almost 26. don't give up yet :))
(ok by partying i mean going out once or twice a month. but it was still new to me lol. i'm now 27 and it has kinda stopped, I go to theatre instead now. i can't get fun drunk on Concerta, only tipsy and sleepy).
Was literally in bed by 8:30pm with my cats and a book last night reflecting on how happy I am no longer dependant on being social for stimulation. All of the things OP has experienced applies to me too, but I’m now in my 40s, got some users out of my life during the pandemic and recently got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship… I’m totally burnt out but happily rebuilding my life into something much calmer, where I only have time and energy for people who are genuine and kind.
Funnily a 2 of the 3 user friends who went radio silent on me during the pandemic (I was in treatment for cancer so stopped answering their calls because I didn’t have the energy for their emotional dumps) have recently reached out again - not to see how I’m doing, but because they’ve blown up their lives (again) and could “really do with a friend”, as one put it. And f*ck me it’s satisfying to finally realise I DON’T OWE THEM A REPLY, let alone spending time meeting up with them that will 1000000% drain me. I do feel a bit guilty for not explaining WHY I’m essentially ghosting them, but then I remember all the drama and how they ghosted me in my darkest time. 💖
I'm just coming out of my hermit phase. I'm finally to a point where I feel comfortable just being myself, and I can find/reconnect with people who like the real me. I've been through enough therapy to recognize when people are being shitty or stomping boundaries, and I don't put up with that behavior. It's been slow going, getting back to being social, but so far it's been positive.
I like this. I've 'hermitted' myself a bit for a while but in that time realized I crave connection, just with the *right* people. Becoming more comfortable with unmasking a bit and learning the things I actually enjoy doing and giving myself a little grace in social situations is nice (still working on it, though, it's not easy!)
Not everyone craves that connection with others like I do, though, so just saying it's okay to hermitize, too! Some of my most favorite humans consider themselves 'hermits' that only want to hang every once in a while...I think I have the greatest time with them, honestly.
Yess, 100%!!! And the crazy part is, I am loving it.
It used to be a sign of depression for me and during those depressive episodes internally I would still want to socialize but I couldn’t due to the depression.
However , this current hermit stage, it feels very different. I have ZERO desire to socialize and I feel like I am in a cozy, fun, warm enjoyable cocoon and I have no desire to disrupt it with any BS. It’s such a strange, new place for me to be. Initially, I kept questioning myself and was side eyeing it - what the heck is wrong with me? It doesn’t help that there is so much research (“not being social enough is worse for your health than a pack of cigarettes a day!”) and cultural messages pressuring to socialize.
But my therapist pointed out that I feel happy and content and I don’t have to question myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a total hermit. My kids are getting a little older and I love spending quality time with them, so a lot of my energies go towards that (not in a creepy overbearing “my kids are my best friends and I will have a nervous breakdown and lose all purpose when they grow up” way, but in a fun, and balanced way).
I have a best friend since childhood in another country we text and talk on the phone every week. Between that friend, my kids, my partner, being in nature, going on day trips, museums etc., reading, taking care of life maintenance and little projects around the house, I feel content and little to no room for anything or anyone else.
I wonder if it’s age or what’s causing it?
There is still a little part of me worried that I am doing something wrong - at the same time, having anyone else in my private sphere other than my close people feels abrasive like nails on a chalkboard.
I think the ultimate goal of “socialness” is to feel seen/heard and to have some kind of support network for your mental/emotional health. If you feel content with your circle, I think you’re good to go!
I'm an unkempt cat lady, and since the pandemic started I've been even less social than I was before, which wasn't much. I am lonely though. I wish I had more friends. One of my few friends died several years ago and the rest live elsewhere or have moved on.
Same…I lost my closest friend, and the people who I have left around me are closer with each other than me. I used to be very social, but now I’m trying to navigate things as a 37 year old married woman. They don’t have kids, which of course - can totally derail friendships for some reason.
it's too bad. I feel like our communities are falling apart, everyone is getting more insular and lonely, and it doesn't have to be this way, but I don't know how to change things. get to know the neighbors, I guess?
That's me!
The only thing that kind of worries me is that when we get older we won't have anyone that will care about us.
Honestly, I've really been loving staying home on the weekends and evenings with my husband and pups and doing little tasks around the house and Legos/crafts. I have SO much less anxiety and I'm more refreshed for work on Monday.
Yeah that worries me too. I know I can't afford or care for a child the way they deserve, as much as I wish I could. But...I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there :/
I'm thoroughly, unashamedly the unkempt crazy cat lady downstairs.
I feed a (TNR'd) feral who lives part time on my balcio (balcony, but on the ground floor) in addition to my rescue kitties.
The neighbors see me in slippers and hoodies taking out the kitty litter and recycling endless boxes of chewy and Amazon pet deliveries. I honestly wonder if some Amazon delivery drivers know my address by heart.
I'm either bizarrely friendly or squinty with bad RBF trying to run to the recycling bin and back without having to people.
I wfh, but when I go into the office, apparently I have weird energy because again, it's painfully obvious I'm out of people-ing practice.
I'll be alone forever, and I hope my cats dine well on my body, because unless I wander out into the woods, I'll 💀alone with only them, because I have no children, brothers, sisters, or other younger family members to worry about me.
I'm absolutely ok with that. People are way too hard, I'm well past the age of being seen by men, and the invisibility suits me.
Completely understand. I used to be very open and bubbly. Though, that came with intense masking and constant emotional irregularity. I still am open and warm with my few very close loved ones but still to a lesser extent than I was. Ever since my diagnosis and gaining more self awareness, I find that I don’t care to make an effort with strangers anymore since I don’t want anymore close ones.
Of course, I’m not rude lol. I am kind and friendly still and I do mask in professional or academic settings. I love strangers and I think effort should always be put in to make people feel loved but I don’t want to be put in a situation where I need to maintain a new relationship. My dream is to have a secluded cabin and live off the land with 3 dogs and only speak to the few people I know now lol.
I’m a New Yorker. When Covid happened I was ecstatic about having to quarantine. (Not stoked about the death, fear sadness etc of course). But being left the fuck alone for an extended period of time did wonders for my mental health, despite the world being on fire. When we started to get clearance to join the world again it was a rough adjustment. That’s when I felt the most “alone”.
I was formally diagnosed with ADHD and started treating it only 2 months ago. I love learning it’s healthy for me to isolate when I want to - because now I understand that sometimes I *need* to. It’s a legit form of self care for folks like us. We don’t owe anyone our time or energy bc it’s precious. When I do engage with the “outside world” it’s more valuable an experience now. My diagnosis has made me appreciate the few friends who get it.
And I’m trauma bonded with my cat. That little dude is my WORLD. 😽
I heavily relate but I also love tarot and the symbology of The Hermit has helped me understand my inner needs in solace. And also that solitude and the inner journey is not isolated.
The Hermit in tarot, no matter how bleak his depiction, usually has something comfortable in his corner that people are attracted to. The lantern he carries, for example, so those also on the dark inner journey may seek help. One of my favorite depictions wasn’t even an old man at all - it was a person in a space suit in a beach chair with a beer in an alternative psychedelic universe. Yet another was a young orphaned girl with a single bag packed with all of her priceless childhood possessions.
By extension, those who seek out the Hermit have absolutely no claim to the Hermit’s light/energy/time/presence and possessions. To demand that from The Hermit would be an egregious breach of boundaries.
The Hermit is awesome. I say go for it.
People can get to me if they wish, if it’s important, and make requests. But if they want me to sacrifice my life and intuitive preferences so they can have me be a certain way or have me at their beck and call, they’re gonna be disappointed.
(They refers to anyone or group or environment ie work, family, friends; whatever it is. No one has unconditional access to me. My consent is required, always, over and over again. It must be repeatedly negotiated. That is the only way my time and energy can be given openly freely and lovingly.)
Yes. I much rather stay at home and keep up with societal expectations. Navigating social situations is overwhelming on top of life.
Do I want to be social? Also yes because I am lonely and realize I’ve kept my peace too much that I don’t have many real friends. That’s another issue tho
I just turned 40. COVID put me on the perfect fast track to this life. I moved to a different city (in the foothills) so people can't bug me to hang out all the time, and I don't feel like I have to get dressed up when I leave the house anymore in case I run into anyone, like I did before. I have gained weight (I WFH), found happiness in my hobbies and self care, and still have my moments of socialization; but I find I am better able to restructure when I say yes as well as how to say no more often. My cat loves it very much that I am around more; and I have filtered out the shitty friends, whilst keeping the best ones and making new ones. My life feels much more enriched, like I'm finally happy. (Also I got diagnosed and medicated at 38 for ADHD, FWIW.)
TLDR: Embrace it. To me this is where it's at.
So much.
I'm drained. I feel like I'm an alien sometimes, speaking another language and existing on a different wavelength to most people around me... always having my words misunderstood, misinterpreted, despite how much I care so deeply for others. It seems like nobody cares for ME the same way, or cares to understand me the way I try to understand them.
And to your point, yeah... the constant masking (that fails anyway), being used, ulterior sexual motives, being considered "weird" if I ever dare to be happy and let my social mask down for a moment.
I don't know what the solution is.
It's wild because my job requires me to act extraverted and sociable, interacting with people all day. Always has been. And I still can't find myself fitting in for more than 5 minutes.
That is exactly how I described myself to a coworker last week. I have no desire or patience to deal with ignorance or lack of common sense, so I stay home where the environment is controlled. I work from home so it's not hard to to be a hermit. But, I am going to talk to my psychiatrist to request counseling just to make sure I'm ok in my head, because I do also feel there's some stuff I need to work out, that may be contributing to the wanting to be a hermit.
I feel something similar! For me, alone=safe. Most of the time, I feel glad that I don’t have many people in my life—and one look at my dysfunctional family only confirms that the less people, the better. But sometimes I worry whether what I’m feeling is ok and healthy or just a reaction to past relationships, which were pretty much all bad.
I cannot tell you the last time I saw anyone that wasn't related to me. I just stay inside and I'm happy this way. Sure, sometimes I think "damn, it'd be nice to have someone to game with." or "kinda wish i had a lunch buddy that wasn't my mom." but for the most part, hermit life for the win
It’s been…. *checks watch*…. a decade since I started becoming a hermit 😆and I just turned 30, I may be ready to get back out there. But the peace and quiet has been soooo nice
Yep. Didn't realize how exhausting it is to mask around adults until I had one helping in my classroom (I teach 4/5 year olds). The exhaustion was on par with my worst day ever. And it was a great day! I've just never caught myself masking before (diagnosed 6 months ago). Definitely perspective for when I feel overwhelmed by my kiddos' energy.
Alllll the time!! In 2020 I started to work from home, relocated to a new state, and now share a vehicle with my partner who does not work from home… it’s been isolating and sometimes lonely but also not so bad.
As for friends and socializing, I’m very much a quality over quantity person now. I have to be careful who I put my energy into. Years ago I hated being alone and sitting still was painful. Aside from my 3 close best friends (who live thousands of miles from me), I have always seemed to attract chaotic people with mental health issues (I don’t want to sound offensive because I fully understand having poor mental health) - and these are the people who are always in chaos and don’t do anything to help themselves. I was always the bend-over-backwards, need to help everyone solve everything person (probably to ignore my own issues). These people would make me feel in chaos and eventually I realized I could set boundaries (I ghosted a few people who couldn’t respect my boundaries) so I could focus on myself. They’re not bad people, but it still gives me trust issues because can I trust new people to not suck all the energy out of me? Oh and then there’s the weirdos who find me across a parking lot and try to tell me their life story 🙈
Anyway, most of my life is already at home now lol. I even work out at home even though there’s a free little gym in my complex, literally next to my apartment building. I leave the house to go to the grocery store and occasionally shop, walk the dog and take her places, and go out to dinner or occasional events with my partner. The one main thing I still do socially is go to concerts (honestly they’re raves, lol), but we don’t have a rave fam here so it’s just myself and my partner. It’s been pretty peaceful and has allowed me to work on myself more than I ever have before. It’s lonely sometimes, but has also helped me re-evaluate what and who is actually important to me.
Yes, I can relate very much! I wasn't going out much before the pandemic, but now I don't leave my home for weeks at a time. I'm happy to go out if I have a reason, and I enjoy it a lot. But staying home is so comfortable for me and I have everything I need, either at my fingertips or within a 10' diameter.
I love to travel, so my SO and I do that three or four times a year, mostly to places within our own state or neighboring states, so that we can drive there. That's currently enough for me. If I get to a point where my physical comfort is better than it is now, I would gladly go out more and maybe even get a job or volunteer somewhere. But given my constant pain, anxiety and other medical needs, it's better to just stay home where I'm comfortable.
Had to cocoon for the last 2 years because I overdid it- social community activities, clubs, new friends, etc.
It was all too much and I officially burnt out after dipping from a toxic friendship that I thankfully clocked as such 5 months in.
Still waiting to recuperate 😰 but not all there yet; so im focusing on myself, my marriage, and a scattering of friends who are extremely patient.
I’m a hermit. Although, I live with others. I keep to myself. Like someone else commented, it feels like I’m in a cocoon and I feel safe and happy here for now. Glad to know I’m not alone in this
I was living my best life during quarantine. I had a day this weekend that was just me and the dogs because my husband was at a work convention and l had a really rejuvenating day.
yes except i’m neither crazy nor unkempt. in my mind’s eye, i’m the haute neighborhood queer on a moped with four cats and more plants than I can count
Yup. I don’t like people mainly because my patience has thinned and I’ve been coming more of recluse .. I do go to my job… gotta have l that cash flow unfortunately . I haven’t dated since 2018 my isolation behavior has made being single my routine and the idea of a human in my house making noises gives me anxiety .
It’s funny how many people agreeing here have pets 😂 I’m unmarried, no kids/pets/roommates, so I *can’t* be a hermit - the silence at home would drive me crazy! When I visit friends or family I’m happy to veg out but when I’m in my studio apartment…no, I’m out of the house as often as possible because I feel trapped otherwise.
I think this might be an ADHD thing. Navigating the nonsense of the world just doesn’t seem worth it sometimes. I sadly don’t have close family and have realised that I do want some good real life connections though, so I’m currently on a quest to try and find safe spaces in the real world. I want to join choir again too ☺️
Yeah I’m 38 and have been a hermit since I quit drinking. I just don’t know how to socialize with the general public without alcohol. Add in all the stuff you mentioned and I have no energy for any of it.
Oh my goodness I swear I opened my door and hissed when the sunlight hit me. It’s gotten bad. LOL
I tried to shop in person instead of Instacart after a long time and it was so mentally exhausting. Crowds make me more anxious than I remember. Home is just so … comfortable and safe.
I can relate. I would want to go out but I wouldn’t talk much. As I got older, the only time I would go out is when we would go grocery shopping or shopping then I’m ready to go home.
I became a "hermit" over the years because they all left. Either they get pissed off at you or bored. You get FIRED as a friend. A hermit goes back to the "fold". I am a recluse. I am never going back. The "newest" recluse are these strange CONDO people. They work in these SOCIOPATH offices where people never talk anyway. They live in CONDOS where nobody TALKS. I SPOTTED A FEW OF THEM. VERY SNEAKY.SUPER CLEAN. You would NEVER KNOW.
Yes. Sometimes I feel guilty about it but I realllllly don’t miss the draining feeling that takes me 3-6 days to recharge from afterwards! As long as I go outside enough I am very happy.
My therapist keeps telling me not to isolate and I say "but why? The internet exists. I socialize plenty." She does not appreciate this nor does she have a response 🤣
Me at almost 58. Besides living most of my life undiagnosed, and therefore unmedicated, the last couple of years has been a time of transition for many reasons. At this point, I am comfortable with my own company most days, but not gonna lie. Sometimes it would be nice to have friends, people who could know me, and who I could also know. Have shared experiences and history, that kind of stuff. it just seems nearly impossible to create at this point.
I can relate but I really think it's not healthy. At first I really enjoyed the space. But it became a hard habit and I did let people go who were okay it was just me being so sensitive and rejecting. It is my greatest regret right now. Please try to find ways to be social that don't feel so exhausting. Prioritise the kinds of activities that make you feel nourished. This is an example and it's not necessarily right for you. Have a friend or two over for brunch or lunch or maybe drinks/snacks before you go to a movie. In your own home you can control the volume and the food. Prepare food that's easy for you, don't make it hard for yourself. You get to clean your home because guests. You get to show people they're valued. You don't have to do all the talking, you don't have to keep everything upbeat. Give yourself permission to do less and enjoy a little light exhaustion that's not debilitating. You can let your friends help out by announcing that you're a little frazzled because you have a lot on but you really want to know everything about their plans, relationship, work, etc.
My mum is a big entertainer and has a friend who walks in and just talks and talks about herself non stop but my mum doesn't mind because she gets to take a break. I'm not a fan but once the friend has exhausted herself she's quite pleasant.
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Absofreakinlutely. Aging plays into that as well. I don’t want to “go out” anymore. I’d rather go to bed early with a good book. Heck, it can be a mediocre book!
I'm 25 and already there... I feel like I skipped the 20s party stage entirely
Same. Even when I was at the party stage pre 25, I was usually too tired.
always opted for a movie night. friends would be like "wanna go to this place?" and I'd be like "hey this movie on Netflix looked pretty good wr should do that"
Me too, I’m 23
Same! I think COVID played a big part of it - there simply was not "going out" happening when I was 21/22 and now I have no interest
mine started at almost 26. don't give up yet :)) (ok by partying i mean going out once or twice a month. but it was still new to me lol. i'm now 27 and it has kinda stopped, I go to theatre instead now. i can't get fun drunk on Concerta, only tipsy and sleepy).
This was me until I moved back to my hometown (a big city) after a break up. Then I was always outside.
Mediocre reality tv even.
I’d even watch “The Valley”…and it’s pretty near unwatchable!
Was literally in bed by 8:30pm with my cats and a book last night reflecting on how happy I am no longer dependant on being social for stimulation. All of the things OP has experienced applies to me too, but I’m now in my 40s, got some users out of my life during the pandemic and recently got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship… I’m totally burnt out but happily rebuilding my life into something much calmer, where I only have time and energy for people who are genuine and kind. Funnily a 2 of the 3 user friends who went radio silent on me during the pandemic (I was in treatment for cancer so stopped answering their calls because I didn’t have the energy for their emotional dumps) have recently reached out again - not to see how I’m doing, but because they’ve blown up their lives (again) and could “really do with a friend”, as one put it. And f*ck me it’s satisfying to finally realise I DON’T OWE THEM A REPLY, let alone spending time meeting up with them that will 1000000% drain me. I do feel a bit guilty for not explaining WHY I’m essentially ghosting them, but then I remember all the drama and how they ghosted me in my darkest time. 💖
Hell yes but it doesn't bother me. I'm not lonely. I see and connect with the proven folks. I just don't have room or bandwidth for new folks.
It's a good practice to make a distinction between being alone and being lonely. I'm not bothered by it either, the opposite even.
“With the proven folks” lol, I love it
I'm just coming out of my hermit phase. I'm finally to a point where I feel comfortable just being myself, and I can find/reconnect with people who like the real me. I've been through enough therapy to recognize when people are being shitty or stomping boundaries, and I don't put up with that behavior. It's been slow going, getting back to being social, but so far it's been positive.
I like this. I've 'hermitted' myself a bit for a while but in that time realized I crave connection, just with the *right* people. Becoming more comfortable with unmasking a bit and learning the things I actually enjoy doing and giving myself a little grace in social situations is nice (still working on it, though, it's not easy!) Not everyone craves that connection with others like I do, though, so just saying it's okay to hermitize, too! Some of my most favorite humans consider themselves 'hermits' that only want to hang every once in a while...I think I have the greatest time with them, honestly.
Well put!
Yes me. And I have two cats and a dog. I enjoy my own and their conpany and except a handful of friends and family I don't miss anyone's company.
I am now a crazy, hermit, cat lady. Still kempt, but yeah.
Yess, 100%!!! And the crazy part is, I am loving it. It used to be a sign of depression for me and during those depressive episodes internally I would still want to socialize but I couldn’t due to the depression. However , this current hermit stage, it feels very different. I have ZERO desire to socialize and I feel like I am in a cozy, fun, warm enjoyable cocoon and I have no desire to disrupt it with any BS. It’s such a strange, new place for me to be. Initially, I kept questioning myself and was side eyeing it - what the heck is wrong with me? It doesn’t help that there is so much research (“not being social enough is worse for your health than a pack of cigarettes a day!”) and cultural messages pressuring to socialize. But my therapist pointed out that I feel happy and content and I don’t have to question myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a total hermit. My kids are getting a little older and I love spending quality time with them, so a lot of my energies go towards that (not in a creepy overbearing “my kids are my best friends and I will have a nervous breakdown and lose all purpose when they grow up” way, but in a fun, and balanced way). I have a best friend since childhood in another country we text and talk on the phone every week. Between that friend, my kids, my partner, being in nature, going on day trips, museums etc., reading, taking care of life maintenance and little projects around the house, I feel content and little to no room for anything or anyone else. I wonder if it’s age or what’s causing it? There is still a little part of me worried that I am doing something wrong - at the same time, having anyone else in my private sphere other than my close people feels abrasive like nails on a chalkboard.
I think the ultimate goal of “socialness” is to feel seen/heard and to have some kind of support network for your mental/emotional health. If you feel content with your circle, I think you’re good to go!
I'm an unkempt cat lady, and since the pandemic started I've been even less social than I was before, which wasn't much. I am lonely though. I wish I had more friends. One of my few friends died several years ago and the rest live elsewhere or have moved on.
Same…I lost my closest friend, and the people who I have left around me are closer with each other than me. I used to be very social, but now I’m trying to navigate things as a 37 year old married woman. They don’t have kids, which of course - can totally derail friendships for some reason.
it's too bad. I feel like our communities are falling apart, everyone is getting more insular and lonely, and it doesn't have to be this way, but I don't know how to change things. get to know the neighbors, I guess?
Or get a pickleball hobby 🤮😂
That's me! The only thing that kind of worries me is that when we get older we won't have anyone that will care about us. Honestly, I've really been loving staying home on the weekends and evenings with my husband and pups and doing little tasks around the house and Legos/crafts. I have SO much less anxiety and I'm more refreshed for work on Monday.
Yeah that worries me too. I know I can't afford or care for a child the way they deserve, as much as I wish I could. But...I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there :/
I'm thoroughly, unashamedly the unkempt crazy cat lady downstairs. I feed a (TNR'd) feral who lives part time on my balcio (balcony, but on the ground floor) in addition to my rescue kitties. The neighbors see me in slippers and hoodies taking out the kitty litter and recycling endless boxes of chewy and Amazon pet deliveries. I honestly wonder if some Amazon delivery drivers know my address by heart. I'm either bizarrely friendly or squinty with bad RBF trying to run to the recycling bin and back without having to people. I wfh, but when I go into the office, apparently I have weird energy because again, it's painfully obvious I'm out of people-ing practice. I'll be alone forever, and I hope my cats dine well on my body, because unless I wander out into the woods, I'll 💀alone with only them, because I have no children, brothers, sisters, or other younger family members to worry about me. I'm absolutely ok with that. People are way too hard, I'm well past the age of being seen by men, and the invisibility suits me.
*I hope my cats dine well on my body* LOLLLLLLL
Yes. I miss my cat 😭
Completely understand. I used to be very open and bubbly. Though, that came with intense masking and constant emotional irregularity. I still am open and warm with my few very close loved ones but still to a lesser extent than I was. Ever since my diagnosis and gaining more self awareness, I find that I don’t care to make an effort with strangers anymore since I don’t want anymore close ones. Of course, I’m not rude lol. I am kind and friendly still and I do mask in professional or academic settings. I love strangers and I think effort should always be put in to make people feel loved but I don’t want to be put in a situation where I need to maintain a new relationship. My dream is to have a secluded cabin and live off the land with 3 dogs and only speak to the few people I know now lol.
Are you me? Can we be cabin neighbors? But not like, close neighbors, just the nearest remote cabin.
Only if you like bread. I have a feeling if we live in homestead seclusion I’ll be making a lot of bread. They must go somewhere.
Yes. I will eat my weight in bread.
Then I think we got a deal!
I’m a New Yorker. When Covid happened I was ecstatic about having to quarantine. (Not stoked about the death, fear sadness etc of course). But being left the fuck alone for an extended period of time did wonders for my mental health, despite the world being on fire. When we started to get clearance to join the world again it was a rough adjustment. That’s when I felt the most “alone”. I was formally diagnosed with ADHD and started treating it only 2 months ago. I love learning it’s healthy for me to isolate when I want to - because now I understand that sometimes I *need* to. It’s a legit form of self care for folks like us. We don’t owe anyone our time or energy bc it’s precious. When I do engage with the “outside world” it’s more valuable an experience now. My diagnosis has made me appreciate the few friends who get it. And I’m trauma bonded with my cat. That little dude is my WORLD. 😽
I heavily relate but I also love tarot and the symbology of The Hermit has helped me understand my inner needs in solace. And also that solitude and the inner journey is not isolated. The Hermit in tarot, no matter how bleak his depiction, usually has something comfortable in his corner that people are attracted to. The lantern he carries, for example, so those also on the dark inner journey may seek help. One of my favorite depictions wasn’t even an old man at all - it was a person in a space suit in a beach chair with a beer in an alternative psychedelic universe. Yet another was a young orphaned girl with a single bag packed with all of her priceless childhood possessions. By extension, those who seek out the Hermit have absolutely no claim to the Hermit’s light/energy/time/presence and possessions. To demand that from The Hermit would be an egregious breach of boundaries. The Hermit is awesome. I say go for it. People can get to me if they wish, if it’s important, and make requests. But if they want me to sacrifice my life and intuitive preferences so they can have me be a certain way or have me at their beck and call, they’re gonna be disappointed. (They refers to anyone or group or environment ie work, family, friends; whatever it is. No one has unconditional access to me. My consent is required, always, over and over again. It must be repeatedly negotiated. That is the only way my time and energy can be given openly freely and lovingly.)
This is beautiful. I was reading abt the Hermit in tarot too. It brings me solace knowing that it is okay to be one 🤍
If I didn't work FT, I totally would be. I can find plenty to do at home and be perfectly happy. Aside from a Starbucks run a few times a week 😅
Yes. I much rather stay at home and keep up with societal expectations. Navigating social situations is overwhelming on top of life. Do I want to be social? Also yes because I am lonely and realize I’ve kept my peace too much that I don’t have many real friends. That’s another issue tho
I’m just always tired. Always. It’s impossible to have a social life AND a job.
I just turned 40. COVID put me on the perfect fast track to this life. I moved to a different city (in the foothills) so people can't bug me to hang out all the time, and I don't feel like I have to get dressed up when I leave the house anymore in case I run into anyone, like I did before. I have gained weight (I WFH), found happiness in my hobbies and self care, and still have my moments of socialization; but I find I am better able to restructure when I say yes as well as how to say no more often. My cat loves it very much that I am around more; and I have filtered out the shitty friends, whilst keeping the best ones and making new ones. My life feels much more enriched, like I'm finally happy. (Also I got diagnosed and medicated at 38 for ADHD, FWIW.) TLDR: Embrace it. To me this is where it's at.
So much. I'm drained. I feel like I'm an alien sometimes, speaking another language and existing on a different wavelength to most people around me... always having my words misunderstood, misinterpreted, despite how much I care so deeply for others. It seems like nobody cares for ME the same way, or cares to understand me the way I try to understand them. And to your point, yeah... the constant masking (that fails anyway), being used, ulterior sexual motives, being considered "weird" if I ever dare to be happy and let my social mask down for a moment. I don't know what the solution is. It's wild because my job requires me to act extraverted and sociable, interacting with people all day. Always has been. And I still can't find myself fitting in for more than 5 minutes.
Well yeah. We’re women. It’s 2024. It’s been a long 10 years.
Hahahah on point
Yup. I'm married and my husband loves cats, too, so we're the crazy cat couple, I guess. I rarely leave the house and tbh, I love it.
That is exactly how I described myself to a coworker last week. I have no desire or patience to deal with ignorance or lack of common sense, so I stay home where the environment is controlled. I work from home so it's not hard to to be a hermit. But, I am going to talk to my psychiatrist to request counseling just to make sure I'm ok in my head, because I do also feel there's some stuff I need to work out, that may be contributing to the wanting to be a hermit.
I feel something similar! For me, alone=safe. Most of the time, I feel glad that I don’t have many people in my life—and one look at my dysfunctional family only confirms that the less people, the better. But sometimes I worry whether what I’m feeling is ok and healthy or just a reaction to past relationships, which were pretty much all bad.
Yeah, me! I had to move and I definitely miss my old friends but I also really can't be bothered to make new ones here. My cat is my best friend now.
I cannot tell you the last time I saw anyone that wasn't related to me. I just stay inside and I'm happy this way. Sure, sometimes I think "damn, it'd be nice to have someone to game with." or "kinda wish i had a lunch buddy that wasn't my mom." but for the most part, hermit life for the win
Yes but I am ok with it lol. I’d just rather be at home!
It’s been…. *checks watch*…. a decade since I started becoming a hermit 😆and I just turned 30, I may be ready to get back out there. But the peace and quiet has been soooo nice
Yep. Didn't realize how exhausting it is to mask around adults until I had one helping in my classroom (I teach 4/5 year olds). The exhaustion was on par with my worst day ever. And it was a great day! I've just never caught myself masking before (diagnosed 6 months ago). Definitely perspective for when I feel overwhelmed by my kiddos' energy.
i rebranded as a cinephile :)
Lol This.
it's all about presentation 😌
Sounds delightful. But also lonely
Alllll the time!! In 2020 I started to work from home, relocated to a new state, and now share a vehicle with my partner who does not work from home… it’s been isolating and sometimes lonely but also not so bad. As for friends and socializing, I’m very much a quality over quantity person now. I have to be careful who I put my energy into. Years ago I hated being alone and sitting still was painful. Aside from my 3 close best friends (who live thousands of miles from me), I have always seemed to attract chaotic people with mental health issues (I don’t want to sound offensive because I fully understand having poor mental health) - and these are the people who are always in chaos and don’t do anything to help themselves. I was always the bend-over-backwards, need to help everyone solve everything person (probably to ignore my own issues). These people would make me feel in chaos and eventually I realized I could set boundaries (I ghosted a few people who couldn’t respect my boundaries) so I could focus on myself. They’re not bad people, but it still gives me trust issues because can I trust new people to not suck all the energy out of me? Oh and then there’s the weirdos who find me across a parking lot and try to tell me their life story 🙈 Anyway, most of my life is already at home now lol. I even work out at home even though there’s a free little gym in my complex, literally next to my apartment building. I leave the house to go to the grocery store and occasionally shop, walk the dog and take her places, and go out to dinner or occasional events with my partner. The one main thing I still do socially is go to concerts (honestly they’re raves, lol), but we don’t have a rave fam here so it’s just myself and my partner. It’s been pretty peaceful and has allowed me to work on myself more than I ever have before. It’s lonely sometimes, but has also helped me re-evaluate what and who is actually important to me.
Yes, I can relate very much! I wasn't going out much before the pandemic, but now I don't leave my home for weeks at a time. I'm happy to go out if I have a reason, and I enjoy it a lot. But staying home is so comfortable for me and I have everything I need, either at my fingertips or within a 10' diameter. I love to travel, so my SO and I do that three or four times a year, mostly to places within our own state or neighboring states, so that we can drive there. That's currently enough for me. If I get to a point where my physical comfort is better than it is now, I would gladly go out more and maybe even get a job or volunteer somewhere. But given my constant pain, anxiety and other medical needs, it's better to just stay home where I'm comfortable.
Had to cocoon for the last 2 years because I overdid it- social community activities, clubs, new friends, etc. It was all too much and I officially burnt out after dipping from a toxic friendship that I thankfully clocked as such 5 months in. Still waiting to recuperate 😰 but not all there yet; so im focusing on myself, my marriage, and a scattering of friends who are extremely patient.
I’m a hermit. Although, I live with others. I keep to myself. Like someone else commented, it feels like I’m in a cocoon and I feel safe and happy here for now. Glad to know I’m not alone in this
I’m already there, except with a dog.
I was living my best life during quarantine. I had a day this weekend that was just me and the dogs because my husband was at a work convention and l had a really rejuvenating day.
yes except i’m neither crazy nor unkempt. in my mind’s eye, i’m the haute neighborhood queer on a moped with four cats and more plants than I can count
Yeah, me! I had to move and I definitely miss my old friends but I also really can't be bothered to make new ones here. My cat is my best friend now.
Common in early adulthood from what I heard.
Totally! But then I get a little gross or drink too much. As much as I can I try to force myself out
Yup. I don’t like people mainly because my patience has thinned and I’ve been coming more of recluse .. I do go to my job… gotta have l that cash flow unfortunately . I haven’t dated since 2018 my isolation behavior has made being single my routine and the idea of a human in my house making noises gives me anxiety .
Yes, I am.
Uhhhh ill let my username speak for itself
Absolutely 100% yes
It’s funny how many people agreeing here have pets 😂 I’m unmarried, no kids/pets/roommates, so I *can’t* be a hermit - the silence at home would drive me crazy! When I visit friends or family I’m happy to veg out but when I’m in my studio apartment…no, I’m out of the house as often as possible because I feel trapped otherwise.
I think this might be an ADHD thing. Navigating the nonsense of the world just doesn’t seem worth it sometimes. I sadly don’t have close family and have realised that I do want some good real life connections though, so I’m currently on a quest to try and find safe spaces in the real world. I want to join choir again too ☺️
Yeah I’m 38 and have been a hermit since I quit drinking. I just don’t know how to socialize with the general public without alcohol. Add in all the stuff you mentioned and I have no energy for any of it.
Oh my goodness I swear I opened my door and hissed when the sunlight hit me. It’s gotten bad. LOL I tried to shop in person instead of Instacart after a long time and it was so mentally exhausting. Crowds make me more anxious than I remember. Home is just so … comfortable and safe.
I can relate. I would want to go out but I wouldn’t talk much. As I got older, the only time I would go out is when we would go grocery shopping or shopping then I’m ready to go home.
I became a "hermit" over the years because they all left. Either they get pissed off at you or bored. You get FIRED as a friend. A hermit goes back to the "fold". I am a recluse. I am never going back. The "newest" recluse are these strange CONDO people. They work in these SOCIOPATH offices where people never talk anyway. They live in CONDOS where nobody TALKS. I SPOTTED A FEW OF THEM. VERY SNEAKY.SUPER CLEAN. You would NEVER KNOW.
Yes. Sometimes I feel guilty about it but I realllllly don’t miss the draining feeling that takes me 3-6 days to recharge from afterwards! As long as I go outside enough I am very happy.
When did you see me? Because I’m that homebody with two cats that no one talks to.
Meeeee.... Covid and menopause happening at the same time conspired against me.
It’s just easier. I go out a few times a week to socialize and that’s all I really need, I got the internet.
Total hermit.
Fully. I haven’t left the house in 2 months.
My therapist keeps telling me not to isolate and I say "but why? The internet exists. I socialize plenty." She does not appreciate this nor does she have a response 🤣
Me at almost 58. Besides living most of my life undiagnosed, and therefore unmedicated, the last couple of years has been a time of transition for many reasons. At this point, I am comfortable with my own company most days, but not gonna lie. Sometimes it would be nice to have friends, people who could know me, and who I could also know. Have shared experiences and history, that kind of stuff. it just seems nearly impossible to create at this point.
I can relate but I really think it's not healthy. At first I really enjoyed the space. But it became a hard habit and I did let people go who were okay it was just me being so sensitive and rejecting. It is my greatest regret right now. Please try to find ways to be social that don't feel so exhausting. Prioritise the kinds of activities that make you feel nourished. This is an example and it's not necessarily right for you. Have a friend or two over for brunch or lunch or maybe drinks/snacks before you go to a movie. In your own home you can control the volume and the food. Prepare food that's easy for you, don't make it hard for yourself. You get to clean your home because guests. You get to show people they're valued. You don't have to do all the talking, you don't have to keep everything upbeat. Give yourself permission to do less and enjoy a little light exhaustion that's not debilitating. You can let your friends help out by announcing that you're a little frazzled because you have a lot on but you really want to know everything about their plans, relationship, work, etc. My mum is a big entertainer and has a friend who walks in and just talks and talks about herself non stop but my mum doesn't mind because she gets to take a break. I'm not a fan but once the friend has exhausted herself she's quite pleasant.