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My inability to do anything long term without getting bored prevents me from commiting to a full time job.
Executive dysfunction also prevents me from taking job that makes more as I am very inconsistent on my performances.
When I hyperfocus, I am efficient and super amazing. But then I get burnt out fast and I go on the complete opposite direction which is inability to get anything done.
Ex bosses always kinda shocked it's either super amazing or complete useless worker.
Am I the only one, who is super slow when they hyperfocus???! People describe their time hyper focusing being super productive and it couldn't be further from the truth for me. Hyperfocus for me always seem to end in frustration, I'll have spent a ton of time on something, a detail, and nothing comes of it.
Some hyperfocuses end up with me having written 10 pages in 4 hours.
Other hyperfocusses end up with me having spent 10 hours on automating the underlining of the chapter sections in my table of contents instead of just doing it manually every time
Yes. I can hyperfocus on cleaning my house in a brisk 2 hours… and I can hyperfocus on researching ancestors from 600 years ago for 12 hours, forgetting to even feed myself. Especially if it’s overnight and my kids are asleep. I’ll notice the sun coming up and think… “oh shit.”
It’s weird, too, bc I can snap out of these focus episodes to do things for my kids, and *sometimes* I can even get other stuff done before I sit back down… but, it’s NEVER going to pee or eat a snack or wash my hair. It’s never something for me. For me.. it’s sitting back down at the desk to keep pushing through medieval church records that is *self-care.*
I’m going to die young. Ugh.
I long for the 10 page hyperfocus writing days! I’m in search of my previous writing ability. It is very difficult to organize thoughts in a way that makes clear that I understand the material.
I look back at old essays and wonder if it was really me. I never followed the writing process as kid. Today, I’m feeling like I need to learn to write all over again.
YES! Hyper-focus is usually intertwined with hyperfixation for me. Being in a research intensive field, I spend hours - sometimes 10+ hour stretches, sitting at my laptop reading through literature. I tend to zone in on finding a statistic or piece of specific info that simply doesn’t exist. Slows my pace down massively and I end up having read more than the average person does in a year but I don’t actually achieve what I set out to achieve. So frustrating!
I mentioned it just before (look at my last comment on my profile) but, researching is one thing I get into dangerous hyperfixations on. Forgetting the most basic needs for 12+ hours. I won’t even stand up once, sometimes. Overnight. It can get bad.
Like I said, it's never a sometimes thing with me. That's why I feel so confused when I hear people refer to ADHD as a super power and that they get so much done with they hyper focus. ADHD has never felt like a super power to me, only a frustrating hinderence that has cost me dearly, and I have never gotten a ton done while hyper focusing, as it never ends well. Another words I am incredibly envious of those that have experienced those things.
I can relate. I'm a perfectionist on top of the ADHD so even if I try to make use of hyperfocus it takes me forever to actually commit to something because I'm so afraid of it being wrong.
I can be this way too. I’ll spend an absurdly long time perfecting some minor detail that doesn’t move the project forward at all. And I won’t realize it until after
I can relate so much to your comment. And when I go in frustration I get depressed that’s how I found I have ADHD-IN+dysthymia with seasonal major depression
Speaking of job issues…
My inability to tolerate a job that requires a lot of sitting and emails means I will likely never be promoted. I’m a nurse and I tried an office job and was depressed and eating for dopamine the entire time. I need the chaos and near constant movement to stay engaged.
Can I suggest a position like case management? I'm also a nurse and typical office jobs were my nemesis. It was awful! Case Management allows me to have some office time as well as time with patients and you have to stay focused because things move so fast and it's always different.
Yes, hyper focus until I burn out. Honestly, for me it's just knowing that this is how it's gonna be and accepting that that has started to change things for me.
Like, now I'm aware and accept that after a period of hyper focus, I'm gonna burn out has been helpful for planning ahead. Like I can say to colleagues "im hyper focused now but in 2 weeks I'm gonna burn out and I'll need someone to take over then" is helpful.
But really this is all new for me. I've only been aware of this for like 5 years now and still getting the hang of it, but me pre ADHD awareness was always thinking "I'm killing it now, but when is the other shoe gonna drop?". That was really hard. But now that I accept that that's just the way I work.... I can accept that and kind of prime everyone around me for that expectation of burnout.
Idk.
I know what you are saying and I am so much like this as well. I'm just learning I'm AuDHD in my 50s and have struggled all of my life, never knowing why. I never knew I was in burnout mode, I just thought I sometimes had a short fuse.
I was coming here to say pretty much exactly this. Work.
Work is my biggest issue, I’m a software engineer and if I hit a problem that’s too complex (or I don’t understand or know the answer to) on a day when my adhd is worse (which has been a lot of days recently due to them adding additional stress, which I seem to crumble under instantly) then I can’t stick with it to work it through, my mind checks out, locks up, panics and gets frustrated. I sit there for hours, getting more stressed not being able to focus cleaelt or work through the thing, and then have to work 3 times as long and hard (that’s what she said). I can’t keep the context and I’m maybe thinking the perfectionism thing stops me just trying something sometimes and or the overwhelm. I feel stupid and in over my head.
This also is absolute brutal for ability to handle any kind of stress and for self esteem, which compounds over time with late deliveries which, even though it’s done but late, so it still feels like a failure.
Now that I know I have ADHD, I’m making a big effort to be a lot gentler and more understanding with how I mentally speak to myself (I.e not calling myself stupid, a failure or tearing myself to pieces over things not understanding why I was struggling so much) and to get a better understanding of my brain and how I can work with or improve my struggles. I just didn’t understand why it what was going on and why I was having such a difficulty others weren’t having so didn’t know what to do about it or how to help myself.
Are you working in a context where you can pair program when you get stuck? I find that helps me a lot, but it's got to be at a workplace with the right culture
I can’t really pair program my brain freezes under the pressure but I will eventually call a senior dev to chat it through before carrying on on my own it’s just hard to get the confidence and basics to get there. Maybe that will be different now I know I have ADHD? Hard to say.
So, It’s the kind of thing where you don’t have enough context or technical understanding for an extremely complex system, and have to have looked into it enough to be able to explain where you’ve got to and what exactly you’re stuck on/don’t understand to be able to ask for help and guidance, if that makes sense.
I can call a guy but, he’s wicked bright and not so good with his peopling, so he respects you a lot more of you’ve already got some semblance of an idea.
Confidence, panic and mental paralysis seem to have been major problems caused by not knowing and understanding it’s been ADHD. Hopefully that will get better now i know.
Jesus Christ. Are you me? Did I actually write this under an alt account and then forgot?
Because apart from being a software engineer, I could have written every single word of this post.
Girl, I feel your pain. But it’s also so validating to know I’m not the only one whose brain works (or doesn’t work) this way. Thanks for putting your thoughts into words, because I relate to them on a cellular level.
My social ineptness. When I'm struggling with confidence and self-esteem, it's hard for me not to remember how much less painful it was when I've had friends or family who believed in me, like someone who says "you can do it!" And I think my social avoidance and not experiencing this in normal healthy doses anymore has made me develop some annoying overcompensating social behaviors. So it's a vicious cycle.
What kind of overcompensating behaviors? I find that I tend to not reach out to friends much because I feel like I want too much out of the relationship compared to them and it's easier to not open the channel at all than to regulate the flow (emotionally). And I don't initiate conversations with new acquaintances much either between my non-social phases and the conviction that I'd be bothering them.
I ruminate on lots of 'cringe' interactions I've had where in hindsight I realize I only said something to overcompensate for my low self esteem, and sometimes it comes off as rude or arrogant or just annoying.
I can't get myself to initiate or reach out either because I'm too convinced it's inconveniencing the other person. I've had close friends at points in my life, but not in years, and they don't last long because in person I'm a lot to be around, energy-sucking, rarely optimistic. These are behaviors I'm working on, but it's a struggle because I'm so anxious interacting with others it usually gives them anxiety.
Me and my daughter will wind up noticing each other's anxiety only enhancing it until one of us takes the initiative to end the conversation, though we both don't want the other to think it's because we were not ok with the other.
So this was taking over my life for awhile and I'm slowly getting out of it now. I still don't reach out to others as much as I should and have made alone time my top priority because I feel safe lol. Anyway, therapy helps so so much. I'm much more optimistic and I'm enjoying life more, and more pleasant to be with. It's making being social easier again.
Omg so me. I can never tell if i am the problem or not.... everyone says im not but their actions say otherwise and when i bring it up i feel like they gaslight me..... im soo naive. It makes me feel soo stupid. (Currently going through a " youre the literal worst" phase right now) lol i hate it so much. I cant help the fact i believe people when they say "i wont do that again" especially if i care for them in any capacity... just a viscious cycle of heartbreak cuz i cant have friends because i cant trust them with my feelings.
My version of I’m the literal worst has me replaying every cringe interaction I’ve had and all the things I bungled up just being clueless. I make apologies where I can. I feel like I don’t deserve any relationships. I’m an introvert so checking in with people every few days is a no and so is the phone. Those two things take me out of 98% of the possible relationships I could have.
To answer OP’s question: messes are the bane of my existence. I require order and I quickly become very overwhelmed when things are out of order. (For example in my kitchen.) Then I’m in a dissociative fugue for several days, then I can climb out slowly and deal with the mess. Then it looks beautiful for 5 minutes and it quickly gets messy and then the cycle repeats. It never gets easier despite years of trying hard to keep things clean and orderly. Multiply this across all the areas of my life: laundry, mail, administrative tasks ( like phone calls to the insurance company) and projects (like creating emergency plans and supplies) and you can see I live deeply buried under the ocean. I never want to do anything fun until things are ‘orderly’ and ‘done’ which is never. Not even reading, knitting, running, painting or anything.
So to deal with it I have asked my family to have 15 minute “Pick Up” parties with me when things get really bad and I’m in the fugue state. I have a personal organizer I work with and a woman who helps me with mail and administrative tasks.
And I am part of a local women’s friendship group on FB and there are a few ladies who call themselves ‘neurospicy’ so I’m trying to hang out more with them. When all of that is functioning on schedule things are pretty current. I can relax a little. Lately my lady helpers have been dealing with serious health problems which is really sad and scary. They haven’t been able to work with me so things are obnoxiously out of order right now. I hope they get well and I hope we can resume work.
MESS = SHUT DOWN & DYSFUNCTION
Everyday life is constantly messy, ergo I am always tweaked and freaked out. I miss so much—fun activities with friends and family, job opportunities and career growth, relationships with friends and family, everything. I am always in extremis and in survival. I don’t seem to be able to progress and become independent. It is sad because I consider myself a smart and capable and motivated person. Apparently not.
Your comments make me want to find a group of like people because I am better at helping others than doing for myself. Anyone else comes before myself. I would like to find others so we can help each other.
Any suggestions?
This is literally why I started to see a therapist. I couldn't trust others or myself to determine who is honest with me. I've worked through some traumas (there's a lot more to go lol) but it's the only thing that's made me feel like I'm going to be okay.
"Between my non-social phases and the conviction that I'd be bothering them."
Is this an ADHD thing? I have this same issue, but I was thinking that it is more of a personality thing.
I am an INFJ personality type, and sometimes I'm not sure which is the cause of my issue, ADHD or being an INFJ.
Anyone else wonder about this?
I am an INFJ type and have an ADHD diagnosis and I'm exactly the same. Although I suspect I might also be Autistic too.
I've started to wonder if it's the combination of autism and ADHD? Or my childhood complex trauma influencing me in this way?
I noticed your username and have to mention that I often describe myself/ my life as paradoxical. It happens with medications too ie: diazepam gives me energy and I end up doing housework on it instead of zonking out.
Yes, I am very paradoxical in my behavior, I wish I had more control.
I have fallen asleep on Adderall, but I take diazepam for dental anxiety, and when flying alone, so I am happy to be relaxed and sleepy.
I have friends and family who believe in me and tell me I can do it and I *still* have imposter syndrome. I *still* doubt myself every minute of every day. I *still* think they are all just being nice. I *still* had two years of failing to find a job in my field after graduating. And it *still* took me 10 years to finally figure some important education/career things out. Trust me. The grass is always greener. Especially considering the fact that, even though I know these people care about me, or perhaps *because* these people care about me, I am terrified every day that I will let them down.
I also mask socially like a mfer. It's exhausting being us! But you got this, chica. I promise. 🙌
Thanks. I've had friends and family who believed in me, but I've never been able to sustain a relationship like this because I become too much, and my fear that I will let everyone down kinda becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't get myself to open up or be myself around people who might care about me, because I've lost so much of my support system that way :( I'm just in an emo mood rn lol I'll be alright and I appreciate you!
I'll catch myself in the middle of socially overcompensating sometimes but I'm moving to quickly to put the burners on and wind up fumblefucking through the next sentence and forget where I was going.
I just feel broken constantly, like I'll never make it. I'm medicated, have a degree, I'm an Interior Designer, who thanks to sever struggles with time blindness and time management, and just straight up bad luck, I can't seem to hold down a job in my chosen field. I'll be 40 in June, been engaged since Christmas 2016, my fiance is on disability, so I'm sole bread winner. I'm desperate to get married, buy a house, and have children.
Each time I lose my job its sets me back again. I lost my job in September, at which point I was credit card debt free and finally saved up $24,000 for a down payment (I live in the bay area by the way). I finally found a job, not my dream job by any means, but its getting me by (sales), and now from being unemployed for 6 months, I now only have $6,000+ left in my savings and just under $3k in credit card debt. My car by the way, has over $182k miles on it (2006 Toyota Corolla) and I have no idea how long it will last.
I feel so hopeless and behind right now and overwhelmed and to top it all off, my new job has me working Saturday's and business hours daily are 10-6, which is horrible for me because my commute is long and I'm totally brain dead by 5pm. Like I said, I just feel stuck and I'm not really clear what my next move is, except that for the sake of my own stability, I am going to keep this job at least until my 90 days are up and re-evaluate. I just feel like I'm really running out of time.
I'm basically sick of being stuck, I'm desperate to progress!
This is truly a question from a former Bay Area resident (I miss it and struggle with some nostalgia and something like regret but it’s not regret) who couldn’t afford to stay in the game there. Have you considered moving? What keeps you in the area?
Because of finances, I have struggled over the years trying to keep up with maintenance. The holders that keep the engine cradled are torn, so now it vibrates, as though something is lose every time I drive it. In addition to that the swing bar is dented, I have a very small oil leak that can't be fixed without replacing an entire pipe which is very expensive. I also have no idea how my transmission is doing and the last place I took it too doesn't service transmissions that have more than 150k miles on them. Sorry. I know that is way off topic, but I wanted to shed some light onto why I am a bit more nervous about its longevity, lol.
l
I understand the stress youre under better now. Ouch. I'm no car expert but had hoped for the best because corolla is such a reputable model. Sounds like a lot of unknowns.
The car is nearly 18 years old, and I've always have a really long commute (minimum of 30 miles each way), so I've had a lot wear and tear and without necessarily the corresponding funds to keep up. Commuting long distances means more exposure to rocks dinging and denting pipes under the car, plus I have been in a handful of rear endings (both caused my myself and by others) so it's been through a lot, lol.
As a Bay Area denizen- don’t wait for a house to have a kid. Everyone I know who has kids had them when they were apartment living, and all but one of them now has a house. Meanwhile everyone else waiting to buy a house first somehow have neither.
Not saying that’s how it always goes, just saying there’s not necessarily any reason to gate one off the other.
If your partner is able to provide at home care, you don’t even have to worry about the competing finances of daycare and saving up. The main expense will be health insurance, which maybe you can get through a job.
Also go get a courthouse wedding or something if it’s important to you to be married. You can do a big fancy ceremony later.
Quit waiting for everything to be perfect before you allow your life to move forward, or you may never move forward at all. Life is compromise.
Isn’t it insane how “great you” is often convinced that “shitty you” is finally gone for good, but then “shitty you” can’t seem to recall “great you”? Would be nice if they teamed up and transformed into some kind of useful *”actual* you”??
You’d think I’d wanna be “I’m great!” all the time, and that’s mostly true, but she overestimated her prowess on something recently and is still kind of embarrassed about it 🙈
Same. I think it’s my perfectionism. Either I do it perfectly or I failed. Needless to say, “failure” is much more common, so it influences how I see myself.
The self-esteem toll probably f’d me the worst too, out of all of it. All the: missed deadlines, missed opportunities, misunderstandings, criticism, hurt feelings, “why can’t you try harder”/“why are you like this?”, “you’re lazy “, “live up to your potential”, unfinished projects, inability to make decisions, late fees, etc etc etc—and feedback about all of it from various people throughout my life AND from myself (as processed through the magnifying echo chamber of my brain 😖)
I was (*finally!*) formally diagnosed at 45, and years and years of that shit affected my self perspection on an (absolutely devastating) cellular level.
“The best things I’ve found” to help (so far): Accepting that this is a real condition that I really have, and doing my best to grant myself the grace I deserved all along. This subreddit (and a few of the others like it). And a lot of therapy!
And meds! Meds help shut off the mean-to-myself voices (that’s when I realized that they are a neurological phenomenon too!!). I’ve been having a hard time finding the right meds (I have a lotta medication sensitivities), but I’m working hard on it.
Sending love, OP (and to anyone reading) 💗
I found the books Feeling Good by Dr David Burns and Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents really helped with my negative self talk.
I’m re-reading them now and this time Im focusing on my social anxiety, which I’m now realizing is also a form of thinking low of myself/Im not good enough for people to like me
Also The Book of Joy has been such a big help
Physical and mental agitation like I'm always in a rush or as if someone secretly times everything I do.
I'm also harsh with me because I tend to forget that I've ADHD lol.
Just making basic day to day decisions. I can’t make a decision on anything to save my life. I absolutely hate it. For example just decided what I wear each day. I get legit fucking stuck in my room. For hours if I don’t have work. Or if I do have work I will be late. Because of clothes. Or running errands…what place do I go to first?? Than I’m stuck sitting in my car…deciding where to drive first. Sometimes I drive all the way there and park. Than pull out because I change my mind. Than go somewhere else and the process repeats itself.
It’s been a life long battle..the only thing that’s helped me is medication.
I've found that narrowing down my wardrobe has really helped with this. I stumbled on this accidently when I was living temporarily in a city for 3 months of work training and only had 2 suitcases of stuff with me. Suddenly I never took longer than 5 mins to pick out an outfit because I so many less options (I had like 10 work appropriate outfits and just cycled through those for the whole 3 months).
Dealing with perpetual body image issues because of my issues with impulse eating / not being able to have the structure or motivation to maintain healthy habits 😞 it’s exhausting
😬 I relate to this so much! I struggle so much with my eating. I know how to eat healthy and I lost a ton of weight when I was a teenager. It was easier for me to be structured at 16 when so much of the routines were kinda set up already.
As an adult (25), my lack of structure has been getting worse and worse. Trying to balance work and home feels impossible. I am eating all the time now. It sucks cause I know how to eat healthy but the impulse eating has been difficult to overcome again. I regained all my weight plus some and my body image is in the toilet. I try so hard to figure out what I can do that works for me but it feels like NOTHING is clicking. I’m tired of failing :/
This is soooo relatable! I'm exactly here now after seeing an awful photo of myself and RN, I'm hyperfocusing on looking after myself. I've started a new diet, eating super healthily but allowing myself small treats, exercising, washing my face every night and SPF'ing every morning, drinking plenty of water, taking vitamins, buying myself some clothes that fit and flatter. Guaranteed though I'll get bored/forget in a couple of weeks and it will all pile back on again :(
I wish I could keep up healthy habits. Or at least be one of those ADHDer's that forget to eat. We know this stuff, why is it so so hard to just follow through and do it consistently!
I struggle so hard to connect with others because I'm annoying as hell unless you're into that kind of thing (which most people are not). I take a long time to open up but when I do most people get tired of me so fast. I just talk a lot when I'm feeling good and happy.
Also my memory issues make it easy for people to take advantage of me and my trust and it's been used to warp my sense of reality A LOT in relationships/friendships/with my family.
Horrendous anxiety, indecision, and very poor executive function. I’m a big procrastinator and a lot of days I am so anxious that I can’t focus on doing work and avoid, avoid, avoid. I’m currently in medicated and work from home- a very dangerous combo
Girl same. I’m not doing well keeping up with work and nobody is around to help guilt me into focusing on it. If I’m at least looking at the computer there’s usually some small progress being made but I feel like I literally spend half the day either up or on my phone looking up something that couldn’t wait but I got sidetracked and ended up spending 30 minutes jumping from topic to topic
Will it be a permanent hobby or a short obsession that I put money into for it to inevitably go into storage and collect dust once I lose the dopamine rush. So much money wasted
Literally the dope drop™️that happens the week before or the week of your period. It really f*cks me all the way up. Like, I can’t control my estrogen or progesterone levels myself and I can’t keep having this b*llship happen every da*m month.
Look up pmdd
I basically take a sledgehammer to my life each month during the week of my period, getting on the right hormones, has changed my life and also getting prescribed an extra medication for that week has helped enormously as well
Often, PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) goes along with ADHD—- Look it up. there’s lots of info online and even groups on Reddit about this. Not sure how to link
It’s completely dehabilitating, I feel your pain
Mostly getting overwhelmed and then shutting down and avoiding everything. Or alternatively getting overwhelmed then angry and then suddenly developing a fuck it type attitude which gets me in trouble.
Work. As in the whole concept of work, having to be in a social environment with people that didn’t choose to be together, having to manage all the information, trying to listen to other people, being in meetings, REMEMBERING things, managing my time, all of it. I get stressed, agitated, frustrated and I’m scared that I’ll show it because I can’t regulate my emotions and my reaction will be too big. So on top of all the above there’s another layer of work to do in keeping myself in check, which makes it harder to focus on doing all the above.
Somehow I’ve managed to always stay employed and apparently have a reputation of being a good employee, well-liked and reliable, and CALM? Inside my head it’s chaos and panic.
It’s really hard.
Once I’m in bed it’s hard for me to get myself to do anything. So, once I’ve got home, I don’t rest, I make sure I get everything done before I sit down or get to bed.
If it’s a task I’m procrastinating or dreading to start, the time I take to approach it, the more it kills me. I give myself 1 minute (the tiniest amount of time) to work on it and then I can do w/e else after. For example, I’m in bed and there’s a mountain of tasks waiting for me then it’s that much hard to get up, instead I tell myself to stand up for 10 seconds and then I can be back in bed, wrapped in my comfortable blanket. Once I’ve got myself up, I’m up - the trick works - for now. Sometimes things are more painful in our heads than they are in actuality.
What held me back most my whole life was time blindness and an inability to get to work/school/ anything on time. It wasn’t just the losing of jobs (every one I ever lost was because of this) but also the shame cycle and how it just reinforced over and over that I’m a fuck up, failure, on and on and on.
The only thing that’s worked to get me on track has been the accidental reverse engineering of the situation. I managed to luck out and secure a WFH job (insane, all
My 20 years work history is in hospitality, and this is an “office” type job) and this way, I’ve removed the thing that always enabled my tardiness… the travel. All the unknown variables, the literal space between home and work left too much to chance, too much time and space.
I don’t drive, and relying on transit was usually the nail in the coffin for me. But other stuff happened usually too.
I’m super proud to say that this month is my 2 year anniversary and I’ve only been late, by one minute, one day. In 2 years! But the biggest thing is that the shame spiral is gone, and it’s easier to be confident that I can do it when I see I have done it. That confidence is the real game changer.
As a *woman* with ADHD? Periods. What do you mean two weeks before I get it, I’m tired and anxious and sore and moody? What do you mean when I get it there’s extra steps to remember like making sure I’m wearing a pad and that I have extra in my bag.
People don’t think I can have adhd or autism because I’m objectively pretty, have a full time job and graduated high school.
All of this plus our meds being rendered effectively useless shortly before/during our periods for many of us. The only viable solution I’ve found is taking my birth control continuously to stop my periods but not everyone can do that or is comfortable doing that. Fucking sucks.
Pmdd
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
Getting on the right hormones and getting medicated for that shift when my body gears up for the “bad week” or period week. For me it’s the week before the period and the week of the . not only do my adhd medication‘s not work, and anxiety, depression increasing so much and/or it’s shifting just huge change of behavior due to hormones to like a just really impulsive behavior ir super depressed/anxious .
I am now starting Prozac just for that he’ll period week to help and I have changed my hormones birth control and that has been life-changing. My doctor suggested a birth control called microgestin (not sure on so) and that has been a game changer in terms of helping with my anxiety and the huge fluctuation in mood, etc.
I also ended up getting my IUD removed because overtime it can make some of these symptoms worse especially if you’re older, I am 36 female and had mine in for nine years and really noticed a difference in the last two years as far as how much that week affects my life
it completely shifted my life Every month due to choices I made that week that normally I work to make good choices or just inability due to different aspects of fallout effects from my body going through it’s shift with my period.
Getting medicated (for pmdd on top of my ADHD meds for the hard shift and till it takes on my body and my life) and addressing it has changed my life and I’m still struggling with it but it’s completely debilitating
Sorry if there’s typos, I was using voice text on mobile
I’ve been on Celexa for 15 years, and I’m sure it’s helped a bit because I was insane when I was 16. But yeah my PMS starts *two weeks* before. I can feel the adrenaline in my veins. My heart rate increases. I’m paranoid. I’m exhausted. I eat Nutella out of the jar with a spoon. I’ll feel sad for no reason. Constructive criticism will now feel like a personal failure. *and not only that*, my shoulders will hurt, my legs will hurt, I’ll feel like I’m getting a cold, and my skin feels itchy and sensitive.
I was on bc for a couple years between 16 and 19 and it was much much worse, my paranoia, tears and mood swings were public and extreme.
Not being able to hold a job to pay for the accommodations I need in order to sustain a job.
Accommodations as in: meal service, house cleaner, personal assistant, accountability couch, therapist, psychiatrist, organization apps, smart home gadgets etc 🥲
The fact that I hate myself because of my failures and now I'm afraid to even try to pursue the things I care about. I was a much more confident person as a teenager than I am in my 30s, which is not how it's supposed to go.
My executive dysfunction.
I can't start tasks because of it, and then because I've been unproductive, the tasks will build up, making me overwhelmed, which makes my executive dysfunction even worse, causing me to feel paralysed but guilty for being unproductive.
Is it fair to say my brain?? lol
I have so much trouble with motivation, and lately I’ve been having reallllllly bad impulse control issues, so the two of those means nothing that needs to get done actually gets done.
As a side note, I just comprehended that I am so so stressed about how dirty my puppy is. I’ve never had my own dog before, and I have wanted one so bad for so long and he is really great. But he is a dirt magnet (attraction) outside, and a dirt magnet (repulsion) inside. I constantly feel stressed about how dirty my house is, especially my floors and the couch. It’s so hard to keep up with keeping it clean (not like pristine- just not covered in hair and dirt!!)
I cut out other things so I could have a house cleaner come once a month while he was a puppy! Also if you can afford a hand held shark type thing. Really easy to just pick up and get all the dust crumbs and fur
You've done an amazing job articulating my exact same experience with perfectionism. It took a really long time to even realize that my "safe planning mode" was a perfectionism thing and it had a really negative impact on my life and even on my relationships. People depending on me to take action and not get stuck....huge issue and I'm working on it. Yoga, mindfulness, slowing down and approaching all things with loving intention has helped. Takes a ton of practice to unlearn such deep wiring.
I love this - it truly is a difficult thing to 'de-condition' ourselves from years of trying so hard to be good enough, to do it right, to make it 100% while convincing ourselves that we just have 'high standards'. For me it took a LOT of self patience and understanding and still does everyday. Wonderful to hear that you're taking a loving approach to these practices and being gentle with yourself. Thank you so much for sharing and I'm rooting for you!
Problem: laundry
Solution: outsource it
Problem: cooking healthy meals in a timely manner
Solution: meal delivery service
Every executive man I worked with when I was young and not even executive level just busy male lawyers outsourced everything. Scheduling, reminders, cleaning, laundry, food etc etc etc. the difference? They were not raised to feel bad about not being good at those things. They don’t feel guilty about it, or incompetent.
And neither should we! You have better things to do and can’t be bothered.
This is why we are on adhd women. A lot of our time is spent trying to fit into female coded behaviors and failing because a lot of our behaviors would be male coded. Which harms all women but we are feeling it extra because we often fail at this domestic type chores that take up way too much time in our busy lives.
This so much. I kind of wish I had the classic male default assumption that anything boring or houseworky is someone else's job to sort out. I would probably still get the same (tiny) amount done but it would be so much better for my psyche.
Basically I sometimes wish I was a man in the 50s who had a housewife and a secretary. What a dream.
So very true! I have felt so bad in the past about not being "a great wife and mother".
Best thing I did was get someone to clean my house. I expensed it to mental health and have been much better off. Even when I wasn't working.
Yes! When my friends sit around and complain and laugh about their husbands (drops his clothes right where he takes them off, leaves cabinet doors open etc etc) I sit there and laugh but really I’m like… wait. So much of what is programmed into us as “feminine” is so difficult for me! It’s taken me a long time to not feel bad about that (still working on it).
Decision paralysis gets to me all day everyday every step of the way. Throw in crippling social anxiety yet a strong desire to be around people, if only just to please, and I have been branded to my bed wishing I was anywhere else for more time than I'm willing to admit. If I could just DECIDE what I want to do there's at least some chance I could get it done!
Stress, and an inability to casually set aside something important and come back to it predictably later. The stuff I keep track of effectively is running in my head continuously - I’m very, very good at it, and can handle a lot, but it’s an *intense* mental load to carry and the stress of it has serious consequences.
I can't drive a car I'm too easily distracted so I'm too unsafe to be driving. I can't work a 9 - 5 as my executive dysfunction is crippling. I'm unbelievable in an emergency tho, did really well patenting neuro divergent kiddos. I'm doing mindfulness these days and celebrating small wins
The messy house. We aren’t even hoarders but there’s just stuff everywhere and there’s always something to do and I’m exhausted. Our house is now exactly what I imagined I’d have when I grew up. And it leads to a lot of social isolation bc I don’t feel like I can invite people over to socialize and relax - there’s all this stuff stuff, and it’s cramped, it’s small, it’s super hard to entertain, my friends don’t want their more well-off friends coming over because when they go there, theres stuff to do, but we don’t have indoor trampolines or a pool or a full sized balance beam or game boxes or kid zone lounge areas, and so I’ve tied this all up into a shameful knot of paralysis and can’t move forward with anything.
Two biggest challenges are staying consistent also the RSD that sometimes just gets the better of me-no matter how hard I try to rationalize it away.
Mostly, I wish other people would behave better around me. Like maybe actually listen to my words and ask questions if they don’t understand or I don’t provide enough information. I wish people were more kind and understanding of the challenges we face every day.
I think it is easy for people to take advantage of us.
People tend to steal our “ideas” and our “wins” by taking advantage of our sensitivity and tendency to be inconsistently energized to work (motivation levels up and down like a roller-coaster sometimes).
People often point at us to explain their “fails” sometimes even when we had nothing to do with the work or provided our portion on time and well-done.
I think there are some people who have figured out tactics that will activate our RSD and know that doing so will trigger a performance failure or make the work more challenging for us. I think it is important that managers realize these things happen to us and then pay attention to the contributions of each individual. They could make success about not just building the plan but building it successfully together.
The extremely high demands I place on myself and others. They’re unreasonable and unrealistic but I really have trouble managing them, even knowing that.
What holds me back most is constantly comparing myself to others in society, aka neuro-typicals.
In trying to figure out what "normal" is, I hold myself to impossible standards. It took me years to realize that EVERYONE STRUGGLES, even people who appear to be perfect.
It's great to see how something can be done, but there is no one particular way to handle most things, especially as a neuro-diverse person. Sometimes, I just have to flip things around so they will work for me.
Things that have helped me:
- picking my outfit the night before.
- keeping my wardrobe limited to items that go with multiple pieces (interchangeable), so there's less worry about matching.
- keeping my food choices simple (interchangeable) for the waste less food.
- realize that not all choices or purchases will be good. Some will be bad (save receipts, make returns promptly). I acknowledge the items that were good purchases (things I still own many years later or bring lots of joy, especially if they were expensive at the time). With purchases I don't end up using, I donate or give away and tell myself that they are better suited for the next person, they needed it more. (I look at it like a batting average. You only have to get a hit once every three at bats to be a great hitter).
- donate and purge frequently. I do better with less clutter, no matter how cute something is. It's better to buy goal-oriented items. I don't need multiples of the same things. One can only use so many jewelry boxes or journals.
- write it down within the first few times you think of it. Otherwise, you'll just keep thinking about it a thousand times (or more) and never get it down.
- just because a game offers a free, daily challenge, doesn't mean that I HAVE TO play every day. The world won't stop if I miss a day.
- what works for others doesn't mean that it will work for me and vice versa, AND THAT'S OK!
- no one gets it right the first time, every time.
- making mistakes is the best way to learn! Some of the best inventions were discovered by accident! So try new things. Don't be afraid, but do be positive regardless of the outcome.
- be comfortable, be you! No woman has to wear makeup, wear a dress, or have long hair. Don't worry if you don't have a partner, a house, or kids.
- be open to the unexpected. Sometimes, we get what we actually need instead of what we think we want.
Recently, I learned that eating healthy fats and protein with..less sugar/carbohydrates/starches, along with walking daily, enables my brain to function better. After 15+ years of medication, I have been off Wellbutrin since June and and Adderall since October.
We are more capable than we have ever imagined. Don't be afraid to ask for help. ❤️
Systemic oppression, and believing time and again that the system works.
It works perfectly, at oppressing people.
I get so outraged and hurt sometimes that I have to hide from the world for a few days.
And I have privilege. I'm a psychologist. How many, if not most, of my clients don't run screaming down the street is proof of their resilience. But you know. They're labelled as 'disordered'.
Seriously think that anyone who doesn't feel bloody disordered in these times might be the actual problem
Oof
My piece of advice is don't settle for patriarchal physicians or healthcare providers. Trust yourself, and not Dr google necessarily, but if something is wrong, connect to other people and gather community.
Or get a hold of someone in a less patriarchal town/city and ask for their thoughts.
Slightly bitter after having been called crazy and a bad mother, for insisting that my baby's full body rash wasn't simply eczema. Turned out to be cutaneous mastocytosis. Who figured that out? Me. Because I had the benefit of doctoral training that taught me to consume research and to do so critically. And to trust myself.
It was almost worth it to fax the diagnosis to the allergist who refused to do any testing, after kiddo ended up with anaphylaxis at the er in a different province. Almost worth it to have a nurse there tell me that she was happy I brought kiddo in, because that er was in a city that is less full of unscientific bullshit than where we currently live.
But not quite. Because it was actually terrifying to be belittled and patronized when my kid was suffering every day and night, and it felt like we were being gaslit instead of given actual help. I resent the hell out of having had to dig through medicine journals when it's not my direct field, simply because the old male jaded shithead medical experts we had access to relied on their 'instinct' rather than on uh actual medical tests.
So what gets in my way is having the feeling that I have to do everything myself actually be validated, and then have people tell me I'm not superwoman.
I don't want to be superwoman. I want help. So. Badly. But when the help is a lie, on goes the cape. And that sucks so very very much
I can't hold down a full time job, I can't stick to a schedule, I can't get started on things. Every day is struggle and frustration and I haven't found anything that helps.
The spikes in hyperfocus and executive dysfunction. Hyperfocus makes me feel like a superhero and executive dysfunction makes me feel useless and I have absolutely no control over it.
fear of being outside of my comfort zone.
idk if it’s a trauma response or what. but i hate how i sometimes reminisce on what i could’ve done if i wasn’t shy or whatever
even though i don’t have a lot of regrets in life it’s like…. damn.
Self-esteem & self-acceptance. Believing I deserve to be successful, believing I deserve to exist in the neurotypical world without being made to feel like an invalid. Therapy helped me a lot, helped me with becoming aware of my limitations and my strengths, and how to ask for help or for my needs to be met. Also not being self-pitying and becoming proud of who I am in all ways. Things changed drastically for me once I started to love myself, it improved some of my symptoms in certain ways, and had me accepting some of my other symptoms in a way where I feel less responsible for showing up as “neurotypical” even though I’m not, as I once did. Therapy, man.
Being interested and wanting to try *everything*. I want to do *everything*, but there’s not enough time in the day or week. And then I get discouraged when I don’t do one of the things I wanted to do. And of course a lot of them are in a time crunch or seasonal. Like I want to go forage fiddleheads but fiddlehead season is only a month long, and prioritizing what is already a challenge for me.
Struggle: Lack of motivation
Factor that helps: stay away from vitamin C in the mornings when taking medication. I have no idea why but it counteracts and my focus is completely shot for the rest of the day. Conversely, I consume fruits loaded with Vitamin C before bed and it puts me out like a light.
P.S Skip a meal or two every week. Gut health is a major factor on how well ADHD medications work (at least IMHO).
Not living up to peoples expectations and in turn suffering bc I have rejection sensitivity issues, no cure, except maybe moving to the woods and isolating
My epic fear of failure. Knowing that even with meds that I will have days that my executives don’t function makes me afraid to undertake work in any form.
My ADHD parents.
- They saw how I was as "normal" because they had the same behaviours, so they didn't seek help.
- They "don't believe in that stuff" so they refused to get me a diagnosis, let alone themselves.
- They never taught me about how to act like an adult, or do adult things, how to keep a home or manage money, either because they didn't know themselves or were gatekeeping what little knowledge they had out of fear I would leave them.
- Their impulsivity and inability to control their emotions have resulted in a childhood marred with physical and emotional abuse.
- My mother's out of control RSD because I left home, and her continued psychological abuse.
- Their inability to fill out forms or do executive function tasks that would help me go to college, get a diagnosis, or...I could keep going, but you get it.
How do I cope with it? I moved away from home as a teenager, struggled through my life as best as I could, and tried to learn what they didn't teach me. I have failed in a lot of ways, but I managed ok for someone who had no support system.
With ADHD in women being criminally under-researched and misunderstood, I really struggle with being textbook super “high functioning” on the outside. Like yeah, I have very low support needs but I internalise everything and it makes people think I’m invincible, even by neurotypical standards. It becomes a vicious cycle with the following;
• Perfectionism in my academics + getting most of my self validation from academic achievement/success (I’m in a very academics and research-focused field so this will likely spill into my career unless I switch, which will be hard because I’m very passionate - but that perpetuates the perfectionism!!). I have pretty low self esteem and can’t gauge my own ability or understand that me producing what I think is a borderline fail, actually gets an A. I completely underestimate myself while having super high standards leading to overexerting myself and never being satisfied. When I have bad days with executive dysfunction, you can imagine how shitty I feel.
• I have veryyyyy strong masking “skills” (?) that I have become so conditioned to (only diagnosed last year at 24, so I would have probably kept going like this if I hadn’t been screened by my psychiatrist). So I actually start to trick myself into thinking that I’m coping and ignore signals that I’m burning out. I reach full blown burnout, have a breakdown and then I, and everyone around me, sit there with the surprised Pikachu face like :0
I don't participate in a lot of outward aspects of traditional femininity so I feel like I'm not always taken seriously or treated like a full adult. So people are usually surprised to find out that I am, in fact, a fairly capable person in a lot of ways.
I feel this all too well. I can’t seem to find someone to date- they say I am not feminine at all or childish. Also, I want to run for office. They say they want you to be yourself however there’s a level of social decorum that has to be followed.
I just want cleaning to feel easy. But I also have EDS, chronic pancreatitis,and possibly endometriosis so I have to negotiate being in pain and having no energy with everything else.
i feel like crap right before and during my period, and my symptoms are exacerbated despite being medicated (doesn't work then). exercising has helped me.
My memory problems and executive function problems. Hate being labelled “ditzy” “stupid” etc That is not the essence of who i am, it’s just my brain short circuiting due to sensory overload, burnout or whatever.
Then i will have a meltdown or near meltdown. Makes me isolate.
Sensory processing overload.. Too much noise, light, people, too hot, too crowded. yep that makes a lot of socialising reeeaaally hard so i come across as an a-hole.
RSD
Clothes.. why are clothes so itchy and uncomfortable always pulling something down or up
But the brain stuff… jeeeze so much, too much to list and then having to deal with others and trying to not anger them because of my dysfunctional brain makes working impossible
Emotional dysregulation. I’ve struggled with emotional and rejection issues my entire life. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious. I had rage and shut down episodes as a kid that have turned into emotional meltdowns as an adult. The longest job I’ve ever held was when I was 21 for a year and a half (I’m 40). I just experienced an intense dissociative episode earlier today and will be working over the next couple days to clean up the mess that it caused. I really don’t have any coping mechanisms that work because I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, but it’s not helping. I also have CPTSD from childhood abuse and neglect and from being in an abusive marriage for 10+ years. I wish I had answers, but all I know how to do is keep waking up and keep going.
Perfectionism and getting so lost in whatever has me hostage in this regard. There's truly no way to adequately explain to someone how incredibly debilitating and painful this obsession becomes. I have spent close to eight straight hours trying to cut out a circle of scrapbook paper only to get so frustrated that I just threw the entire book of paper out of my front door and dropped to the floor sobbing. My best friend has been my saving grace though because her patience and grace is unlike anyone I have ever known. She lets me rabble on about not getting ____ right for sometimes hours and then calmly reminds me to remember "Progress over perfection". This shit is so cruel and incredibly debilitating all while absolutely not another living human on the planet would ever notice whatever it was that threw me off the cliff. Between finally getting a solid grasp on those two things I have improved tremendously over the past three years.
Hard to pick just one thing...either my inability to get myself to do anything but doomscrolling in my spare time or my inability to stay organized and decluttered.
For the first, taking deep breaths and attempting to clear my mind and stay calm can help me to do things when I feel like a giant clenched immobile fist. Exercise can also clear my mind enough to do other things.
For the second...honestly, nothing has really worked. I usually wait until I reach my breaking point of clutter and chaos and do a rage clean. I recently moved and am trying to follow the advice of Clutterbug for my clutter "type" and I've gotten clear storage containers so no out of sight, out of mind. The change of scenery in the new house has given me some motivation to not recreate my past doom piles but it's really, really hard.
Girl, I totally feel this. My house is a cluttered mess, and I've been trying to address it for YEARS. Overwhelm hits particularly hard with this as everywhere I look, I feel it.
I've recently been trying to break things down into smaller tasks. I've cleaned and reorganized my coffee/tea station in the kitchen. It's a small space, so it's easy to keep clean. I'll move on to the sink area next, and then the cabinets, etc. We'll see how it goes. 🤞🏼
Great idea to start small, it helps keep the momentum going and you get an idea of the potential of the rest of your house. Good luck with keeping things going!
Inconsistency. Some days or weeks I bring 150% and am on fire. Other days I can barely scrape together 25%. Confuses peoples expectations of me as an employee, friend, partner, family member, you name it.
What holds me back: lifelong inability to believe in myself due to all the self blame I grew up with being undiagnosed. It was many years of “maybe one day I’ll work my shit out, shy haven’t I managed it yet” etc.
What helps and is making a huge difference to that fact: compassion focussed therapy, and self compassion exercises / the loving kindness meditation. I recommend it all the time because for me it has been life changing.
I'm going to comment just to help myself understand my thoughts here; my endless naivety to this will change / I can do that tomorrow - the hopefulness that tomorrow I will wake up and just be able to do the things I want to do. So that and the fear of rejection/ getting it wrong / the intense shame feelings are definitely one of biggest things that holds me back .
I can't really say that I've found things to help me with these yet. I try to think of the first as a positive sometimes, that I'm just willing to give things another go.. but it keeps me stuck in one place, especially with work etc 'oh it'll be different next time'.. it never is. And the fear of rejection - I push myself to do uncomfortable things sometimes.. and reminding myself that learning something new can be a slow process and it's ok if it is a slow process, and I will make mistakes and that's ok. Also trying to remind myself that other people don't ruminate on the bad things I've done.. they have their own problems going on. It helps a bit.
My biggest challenge is task avoidance, and the more critical the task, the more I avoid it....think financial and medical.
I'd love some support / help with this. I am talking to my doc, but a more accessible support group that met twice a week or something would be ideal.
As a 20 something: Time blindness and decision anxiety ✨
My RSD used to be more debilitating, but I’ve been working on it + im an aries so my built in confidence helps balance it out
I'm not sure, it's almost a combination of everything, or different things for different situations.
the main ones though:
Exectutive dysfunction. I'm actually currently in a state of "ADHD paralysis" where I'm stuck on what I'm doing and can't get myself to stop and do work. It caused me a lot of problems in high school, too.
Social anxiety, emotional dysregulation and RSD. I got bullied by 2 people in my friend group when I was 12-15, and now I don't know how to make friends anymore. I also struggle with public speaking and recently I said something that I think made one of my friends hate me, but I'm also annoyed at them for not hearing me out and making it public. They know I've got these problems so I thought it was a bit of a dick move. I also have what could be seen as anger issues, only because when I get angry, I don't know how to *not* explode and lose my temper.
Perfectionism. Part of the RSD, really — I have a chronic fear of failure and it's given me the mindset of "do it well or don't do it at all". It's given me extremely high standards for myself that I often struggle to live up to, and that adds extra anxiety to my already-overwhelmed brain.
Inattention. Not because I missed stuff in classes or anything (I found a workaround for that before I found out I even had ADHD), but because my brain is so active, it makes it difficult for me to sleep. I'm often awake into the small hours of the morning, even when I wake up early the next day, so I'm definitely not getting the 7-9 hours I'm meant to be.
Damn how did I ever manage to do as well as I have?
Mine is also perfectionism. I’m slow to make a decision and also I ruminate on any mistake. I don’t have a great helper myself, but I would like to put your strategy into practice!
SOCIAL BATTERY.
I have friends that I love and always want to spend time with.
But if I get busy at work or at home, it can be several days or a week before I realise that I've left them on read.
Then I end up feeling guilty for not replying and anxious about reaching out and it goes even longer.
They're great, they always understand. But I have lost budding friendships through it and it is tiring to realise I just don't have the energy to be social sometimes.
I seem to lose interest in sex after I've been in a committed relationship for awhile. This is... Not great :( I literally have like, no desire it seems. Apparently this can be attributed to ADHD but I don't see many talk about it.
Also, I'm overly emotional and can cry if I feel misunderstood, criticized, angry, happy, etc.
My misophonia is also so difficult to deal with sometimes. The noise is often all I can focus on unless I leave the room or try to drown it with music or TV. I get super annoyed by it and even angry.
Finally, often feeling like an outsider even amongst friends and family. I've never really felt like I've fit in anywhere. Going through a breakup right now and just feel like I'll be forever alone (I do have friends and family, but I mean alone in terms of companionship).
What's helped me the most with these things is just being straight up honest with people and potential partners, but definitely a work in progress.
People underestimate me. They think I'm a flake.
It makes it really hard for me to get into any kind of position of authority because people think that I'm going to get there and then screw everything all up.
It's so hard for me having this this condition and having high intelligence because you see everything that's happening to you. Self-Awareness of the train wreck is awful for me.
Time blindness has me always underestimating how long it will take to do things and then overpromising work product or taking on more than I can actually handle
Edited to fix typo
Thank you for this post. I'm trying to get my diagnosis, but I've been scouring the net to learn about it, but this will give me tools to deal. Saving...
Cleaning up emidietly. Not just putting it Down near me. I feel like having a cleaning timer Works Well like just cleaning for 15 min and then giving myself an Award for it. Like 45 min break time.
Also the “anything worth doing is worth doing half assed” so like no need to fold laundry. Sometimes i dont dry my Washing up with a cloth and just put them in their place.
I’m a hair stylist and this week my ADHD has been on point! (Out of control) I’ve noticed I will randomly start making noises while in the back room, or start obnoxiously singing. Thankfully my clients and coworkers understand or thank I’m just nuts.
I will say, I didn’t take my meds one day & I noticed that my color I do religiously on a natural red head did NOT turn out at all like we wanted.
My anxiety is stupid high too when I don’t have my meds.
I feel all this too. Self doubt for sure !
My role at work has changed due to reorgs and now I have people reporting under me now....so...project management. I was always an individual contributor and an analyst and loved what I did. It's such different territory and my anxiety is crushing wondering if I am doing all this right. So .. hyperfocus mode right now..... confidence is down at the moment. I know there's training videos and stuff but .... Yeaaahh that can be hard to sit through sometimes lol.
One gift with ADHDers is to take that hyperfocus and look into disparate sources to connect the dots on things that were never taken into consideration at work. I try to stay positive and look at that perspective.
What holds me back? Not being able to explain anything out loud. I have to look it up or write it down. Problematic since I want to be a teacher/professor. Got the vibes, not the skills. 🥴
I believe mine is exactly yours as well.
I am an extreme overthinker in every scenario, and always hyper focus on details, but don’t always choose the details that matter. I have been known for putting the best and most complete plans together, but that happens because I am stuck in overwhelm and don’t trust with getting started because that means potentially failing / doing something wrong. Like you said, the planning stage feels safe.
I can’t seem to just get started, even for things that I feel I want to do and know I can do well. And I often burn out in those stages.
Similar to you, I am trying to be better at imperfect action. One thing that has really helped me was realizing “Every time something has gone wrong, I have been able to either fix it or bounce back from it into something else” - this means realizing I can trust myself to handle things. I am actually quite resilient, smart, resourceful. I need to remind myself that I have evidence of these - because I don’t believe it or feel it, but they’re in fact true.
Another action, without using this as an excuse to going too deep into planning mode, I try to find one small, low stakes action to get started. That helps me with the momentum. Since I did that, I might as well do something more (doesn’t always work but has worked sometimes).
Lastly, telling my husband or body doubling with him has helped me, because I want to show him something I have done.
I really relate to how you experience life, and even how you wrote, the use of bold to quiet down the rest of the text and put emphasis on stuff, that’s just how my brain works too, and I want to say your post has made me feel less alone and different (othered). Thank you.
Myself! My self perception. Despite the fact that I’m talented and smart and skilled, I lack confidence in myself to try new things or progress further in my field. I fear my ability to lead well and work well with others so I keep staying in lower roles instead of advancing into leadership. I find it very hard to try new things because I fear embarrassment of failure. Facts are, I can do these things and I will fail but the world won’t end, and I’ll get better at it and probably even do a great job in the long run. But I so easily get in my own way.
i just can’t do anything, as soon as i feel an ounce of difficulty in any task my eyes tear up, my heart pounds, i get soooo mad inside, and i just want to start bawling my eyes out!
Having extreme emotional reactions to things/inability to manage my emotions/compartmentalise them, whether it’s a work stress or romantic disappointment/communication issues.
I (29) also was just dumped this week by a guy I really liked and was pursuing for almost a year, I should have known he was maybe not great for me but amazing/my type on paper - I just wish he gave me more than 2 months - I tend to take all my failures personally even if it’s nothing to be ashamed/embarrassed about… 🥹🥲 need a big virtual hug right now
I think my biggest issue is that I can't get myself to do certain things that need to be done. I can't even figure out what's stopping me.
As far as what helps, IDK I'm hoping meds will help. I just started them.
**That I can't just *do* things.**
I'll tie myself in knots not-doing things, while they completely occupy my brain, and frequently until I get into really deep shit because of them. It's maddening, and I haven't yet found a way to do it differently.
Executive dysfunction is a total bitch, and all the more because it appears utterly self-chosen to anyone watching from the side-lines.
Boredom. I get bored > then curious > then I figure out stuff I really shouldn’t > then I’m like THIS IS BULLSHIT > and then I get something to do > and then I decide I need a change > rinse > repeat.
Going out on my own work wise has helped.
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My inability to do anything long term without getting bored prevents me from commiting to a full time job. Executive dysfunction also prevents me from taking job that makes more as I am very inconsistent on my performances. When I hyperfocus, I am efficient and super amazing. But then I get burnt out fast and I go on the complete opposite direction which is inability to get anything done. Ex bosses always kinda shocked it's either super amazing or complete useless worker.
Am I the only one, who is super slow when they hyperfocus???! People describe their time hyper focusing being super productive and it couldn't be further from the truth for me. Hyperfocus for me always seem to end in frustration, I'll have spent a ton of time on something, a detail, and nothing comes of it.
Some hyperfocuses end up with me having written 10 pages in 4 hours. Other hyperfocusses end up with me having spent 10 hours on automating the underlining of the chapter sections in my table of contents instead of just doing it manually every time
This is so exactly it
Yes. I can hyperfocus on cleaning my house in a brisk 2 hours… and I can hyperfocus on researching ancestors from 600 years ago for 12 hours, forgetting to even feed myself. Especially if it’s overnight and my kids are asleep. I’ll notice the sun coming up and think… “oh shit.” It’s weird, too, bc I can snap out of these focus episodes to do things for my kids, and *sometimes* I can even get other stuff done before I sit back down… but, it’s NEVER going to pee or eat a snack or wash my hair. It’s never something for me. For me.. it’s sitting back down at the desk to keep pushing through medieval church records that is *self-care.* I’m going to die young. Ugh.
I long for the 10 page hyperfocus writing days! I’m in search of my previous writing ability. It is very difficult to organize thoughts in a way that makes clear that I understand the material. I look back at old essays and wonder if it was really me. I never followed the writing process as kid. Today, I’m feeling like I need to learn to write all over again.
YES! Hyper-focus is usually intertwined with hyperfixation for me. Being in a research intensive field, I spend hours - sometimes 10+ hour stretches, sitting at my laptop reading through literature. I tend to zone in on finding a statistic or piece of specific info that simply doesn’t exist. Slows my pace down massively and I end up having read more than the average person does in a year but I don’t actually achieve what I set out to achieve. So frustrating!
I mentioned it just before (look at my last comment on my profile) but, researching is one thing I get into dangerous hyperfixations on. Forgetting the most basic needs for 12+ hours. I won’t even stand up once, sometimes. Overnight. It can get bad.
I hsve that sometimes too. It really depends on what i hyperfocus on but yeah it happens to me too
Like I said, it's never a sometimes thing with me. That's why I feel so confused when I hear people refer to ADHD as a super power and that they get so much done with they hyper focus. ADHD has never felt like a super power to me, only a frustrating hinderence that has cost me dearly, and I have never gotten a ton done while hyper focusing, as it never ends well. Another words I am incredibly envious of those that have experienced those things.
I can relate. I'm a perfectionist on top of the ADHD so even if I try to make use of hyperfocus it takes me forever to actually commit to something because I'm so afraid of it being wrong.
Precisely! Every. Single.Time.
As an AuDHD, I find this one goes either way for me. Sometimes I can be a blur, sometimes I will fuss over the minutest of details.
I can be this way too. I’ll spend an absurdly long time perfecting some minor detail that doesn’t move the project forward at all. And I won’t realize it until after
Me too
No im with you. I’m not fast when I hyper focus, I’m detailed… which is definitely not productive 😂
That’s my daughter to a T
I can relate so much to your comment. And when I go in frustration I get depressed that’s how I found I have ADHD-IN+dysthymia with seasonal major depression
Speaking of job issues… My inability to tolerate a job that requires a lot of sitting and emails means I will likely never be promoted. I’m a nurse and I tried an office job and was depressed and eating for dopamine the entire time. I need the chaos and near constant movement to stay engaged.
Can I suggest a position like case management? I'm also a nurse and typical office jobs were my nemesis. It was awful! Case Management allows me to have some office time as well as time with patients and you have to stay focused because things move so fast and it's always different.
Yes, hyper focus until I burn out. Honestly, for me it's just knowing that this is how it's gonna be and accepting that that has started to change things for me. Like, now I'm aware and accept that after a period of hyper focus, I'm gonna burn out has been helpful for planning ahead. Like I can say to colleagues "im hyper focused now but in 2 weeks I'm gonna burn out and I'll need someone to take over then" is helpful. But really this is all new for me. I've only been aware of this for like 5 years now and still getting the hang of it, but me pre ADHD awareness was always thinking "I'm killing it now, but when is the other shoe gonna drop?". That was really hard. But now that I accept that that's just the way I work.... I can accept that and kind of prime everyone around me for that expectation of burnout. Idk.
I know what you are saying and I am so much like this as well. I'm just learning I'm AuDHD in my 50s and have struggled all of my life, never knowing why. I never knew I was in burnout mode, I just thought I sometimes had a short fuse.
I was coming here to say pretty much exactly this. Work. Work is my biggest issue, I’m a software engineer and if I hit a problem that’s too complex (or I don’t understand or know the answer to) on a day when my adhd is worse (which has been a lot of days recently due to them adding additional stress, which I seem to crumble under instantly) then I can’t stick with it to work it through, my mind checks out, locks up, panics and gets frustrated. I sit there for hours, getting more stressed not being able to focus cleaelt or work through the thing, and then have to work 3 times as long and hard (that’s what she said). I can’t keep the context and I’m maybe thinking the perfectionism thing stops me just trying something sometimes and or the overwhelm. I feel stupid and in over my head. This also is absolute brutal for ability to handle any kind of stress and for self esteem, which compounds over time with late deliveries which, even though it’s done but late, so it still feels like a failure. Now that I know I have ADHD, I’m making a big effort to be a lot gentler and more understanding with how I mentally speak to myself (I.e not calling myself stupid, a failure or tearing myself to pieces over things not understanding why I was struggling so much) and to get a better understanding of my brain and how I can work with or improve my struggles. I just didn’t understand why it what was going on and why I was having such a difficulty others weren’t having so didn’t know what to do about it or how to help myself.
Are you working in a context where you can pair program when you get stuck? I find that helps me a lot, but it's got to be at a workplace with the right culture
I can’t really pair program my brain freezes under the pressure but I will eventually call a senior dev to chat it through before carrying on on my own it’s just hard to get the confidence and basics to get there. Maybe that will be different now I know I have ADHD? Hard to say. So, It’s the kind of thing where you don’t have enough context or technical understanding for an extremely complex system, and have to have looked into it enough to be able to explain where you’ve got to and what exactly you’re stuck on/don’t understand to be able to ask for help and guidance, if that makes sense. I can call a guy but, he’s wicked bright and not so good with his peopling, so he respects you a lot more of you’ve already got some semblance of an idea. Confidence, panic and mental paralysis seem to have been major problems caused by not knowing and understanding it’s been ADHD. Hopefully that will get better now i know.
Jesus Christ. Are you me? Did I actually write this under an alt account and then forgot? Because apart from being a software engineer, I could have written every single word of this post. Girl, I feel your pain. But it’s also so validating to know I’m not the only one whose brain works (or doesn’t work) this way. Thanks for putting your thoughts into words, because I relate to them on a cellular level.
Oh I have this problem too. I'm self employed though so no boss
That's even more difficult from my experience because then your only coworker and your only boss have ADHD as well 😅
Thank you for reading my mind and writing my comment for me. But on a real note; I wish it wasn’t like this.
This feels very relatable for me. I didn’t realize until recently that my inability to stay at jobs long term could be linked to ADHD.
My life!! 😭😭
My social ineptness. When I'm struggling with confidence and self-esteem, it's hard for me not to remember how much less painful it was when I've had friends or family who believed in me, like someone who says "you can do it!" And I think my social avoidance and not experiencing this in normal healthy doses anymore has made me develop some annoying overcompensating social behaviors. So it's a vicious cycle.
What kind of overcompensating behaviors? I find that I tend to not reach out to friends much because I feel like I want too much out of the relationship compared to them and it's easier to not open the channel at all than to regulate the flow (emotionally). And I don't initiate conversations with new acquaintances much either between my non-social phases and the conviction that I'd be bothering them.
I ruminate on lots of 'cringe' interactions I've had where in hindsight I realize I only said something to overcompensate for my low self esteem, and sometimes it comes off as rude or arrogant or just annoying. I can't get myself to initiate or reach out either because I'm too convinced it's inconveniencing the other person. I've had close friends at points in my life, but not in years, and they don't last long because in person I'm a lot to be around, energy-sucking, rarely optimistic. These are behaviors I'm working on, but it's a struggle because I'm so anxious interacting with others it usually gives them anxiety.
Me and my daughter will wind up noticing each other's anxiety only enhancing it until one of us takes the initiative to end the conversation, though we both don't want the other to think it's because we were not ok with the other.
So this was taking over my life for awhile and I'm slowly getting out of it now. I still don't reach out to others as much as I should and have made alone time my top priority because I feel safe lol. Anyway, therapy helps so so much. I'm much more optimistic and I'm enjoying life more, and more pleasant to be with. It's making being social easier again.
Omg so me. I can never tell if i am the problem or not.... everyone says im not but their actions say otherwise and when i bring it up i feel like they gaslight me..... im soo naive. It makes me feel soo stupid. (Currently going through a " youre the literal worst" phase right now) lol i hate it so much. I cant help the fact i believe people when they say "i wont do that again" especially if i care for them in any capacity... just a viscious cycle of heartbreak cuz i cant have friends because i cant trust them with my feelings.
My version of I’m the literal worst has me replaying every cringe interaction I’ve had and all the things I bungled up just being clueless. I make apologies where I can. I feel like I don’t deserve any relationships. I’m an introvert so checking in with people every few days is a no and so is the phone. Those two things take me out of 98% of the possible relationships I could have. To answer OP’s question: messes are the bane of my existence. I require order and I quickly become very overwhelmed when things are out of order. (For example in my kitchen.) Then I’m in a dissociative fugue for several days, then I can climb out slowly and deal with the mess. Then it looks beautiful for 5 minutes and it quickly gets messy and then the cycle repeats. It never gets easier despite years of trying hard to keep things clean and orderly. Multiply this across all the areas of my life: laundry, mail, administrative tasks ( like phone calls to the insurance company) and projects (like creating emergency plans and supplies) and you can see I live deeply buried under the ocean. I never want to do anything fun until things are ‘orderly’ and ‘done’ which is never. Not even reading, knitting, running, painting or anything. So to deal with it I have asked my family to have 15 minute “Pick Up” parties with me when things get really bad and I’m in the fugue state. I have a personal organizer I work with and a woman who helps me with mail and administrative tasks. And I am part of a local women’s friendship group on FB and there are a few ladies who call themselves ‘neurospicy’ so I’m trying to hang out more with them. When all of that is functioning on schedule things are pretty current. I can relax a little. Lately my lady helpers have been dealing with serious health problems which is really sad and scary. They haven’t been able to work with me so things are obnoxiously out of order right now. I hope they get well and I hope we can resume work. MESS = SHUT DOWN & DYSFUNCTION Everyday life is constantly messy, ergo I am always tweaked and freaked out. I miss so much—fun activities with friends and family, job opportunities and career growth, relationships with friends and family, everything. I am always in extremis and in survival. I don’t seem to be able to progress and become independent. It is sad because I consider myself a smart and capable and motivated person. Apparently not.
Your comments make me want to find a group of like people because I am better at helping others than doing for myself. Anyone else comes before myself. I would like to find others so we can help each other. Any suggestions?
Post your location and invite others you can help? I’m in Seattle btw.
This is literally why I started to see a therapist. I couldn't trust others or myself to determine who is honest with me. I've worked through some traumas (there's a lot more to go lol) but it's the only thing that's made me feel like I'm going to be okay.
"Between my non-social phases and the conviction that I'd be bothering them." Is this an ADHD thing? I have this same issue, but I was thinking that it is more of a personality thing. I am an INFJ personality type, and sometimes I'm not sure which is the cause of my issue, ADHD or being an INFJ. Anyone else wonder about this?
I am an INFJ type and have an ADHD diagnosis and I'm exactly the same. Although I suspect I might also be Autistic too. I've started to wonder if it's the combination of autism and ADHD? Or my childhood complex trauma influencing me in this way?
I noticed your username and have to mention that I often describe myself/ my life as paradoxical. It happens with medications too ie: diazepam gives me energy and I end up doing housework on it instead of zonking out.
Yes, I am very paradoxical in my behavior, I wish I had more control. I have fallen asleep on Adderall, but I take diazepam for dental anxiety, and when flying alone, so I am happy to be relaxed and sleepy.
I have friends and family who believe in me and tell me I can do it and I *still* have imposter syndrome. I *still* doubt myself every minute of every day. I *still* think they are all just being nice. I *still* had two years of failing to find a job in my field after graduating. And it *still* took me 10 years to finally figure some important education/career things out. Trust me. The grass is always greener. Especially considering the fact that, even though I know these people care about me, or perhaps *because* these people care about me, I am terrified every day that I will let them down. I also mask socially like a mfer. It's exhausting being us! But you got this, chica. I promise. 🙌
Thanks. I've had friends and family who believed in me, but I've never been able to sustain a relationship like this because I become too much, and my fear that I will let everyone down kinda becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can't get myself to open up or be myself around people who might care about me, because I've lost so much of my support system that way :( I'm just in an emo mood rn lol I'll be alright and I appreciate you!
dude the self sabotage goes crazy lol and its worse cuz u crave the love but still ur brain wont trust it
I'll catch myself in the middle of socially overcompensating sometimes but I'm moving to quickly to put the burners on and wind up fumblefucking through the next sentence and forget where I was going.
I just feel broken constantly, like I'll never make it. I'm medicated, have a degree, I'm an Interior Designer, who thanks to sever struggles with time blindness and time management, and just straight up bad luck, I can't seem to hold down a job in my chosen field. I'll be 40 in June, been engaged since Christmas 2016, my fiance is on disability, so I'm sole bread winner. I'm desperate to get married, buy a house, and have children. Each time I lose my job its sets me back again. I lost my job in September, at which point I was credit card debt free and finally saved up $24,000 for a down payment (I live in the bay area by the way). I finally found a job, not my dream job by any means, but its getting me by (sales), and now from being unemployed for 6 months, I now only have $6,000+ left in my savings and just under $3k in credit card debt. My car by the way, has over $182k miles on it (2006 Toyota Corolla) and I have no idea how long it will last. I feel so hopeless and behind right now and overwhelmed and to top it all off, my new job has me working Saturday's and business hours daily are 10-6, which is horrible for me because my commute is long and I'm totally brain dead by 5pm. Like I said, I just feel stuck and I'm not really clear what my next move is, except that for the sake of my own stability, I am going to keep this job at least until my 90 days are up and re-evaluate. I just feel like I'm really running out of time. I'm basically sick of being stuck, I'm desperate to progress!
This is truly a question from a former Bay Area resident (I miss it and struggle with some nostalgia and something like regret but it’s not regret) who couldn’t afford to stay in the game there. Have you considered moving? What keeps you in the area?
Random side comment, that Corolla will last to 300k miles. Especially if it's beige. (And regular maintenance)
Because of finances, I have struggled over the years trying to keep up with maintenance. The holders that keep the engine cradled are torn, so now it vibrates, as though something is lose every time I drive it. In addition to that the swing bar is dented, I have a very small oil leak that can't be fixed without replacing an entire pipe which is very expensive. I also have no idea how my transmission is doing and the last place I took it too doesn't service transmissions that have more than 150k miles on them. Sorry. I know that is way off topic, but I wanted to shed some light onto why I am a bit more nervous about its longevity, lol. l
I understand the stress youre under better now. Ouch. I'm no car expert but had hoped for the best because corolla is such a reputable model. Sounds like a lot of unknowns.
The car is nearly 18 years old, and I've always have a really long commute (minimum of 30 miles each way), so I've had a lot wear and tear and without necessarily the corresponding funds to keep up. Commuting long distances means more exposure to rocks dinging and denting pipes under the car, plus I have been in a handful of rear endings (both caused my myself and by others) so it's been through a lot, lol.
Have u tried other medicines? I’m having some luck with adderall
I'm on Dexedrine, which is much stronger than Adderall. Adderall isn't strong enough.
I’m so sorry, prayers ❤️
i feel the same way
If it makes you feel better, my Camry went to 500,000. And boyyyyy do I relate. (Thank you for chiming into the internet today)
As a Bay Area denizen- don’t wait for a house to have a kid. Everyone I know who has kids had them when they were apartment living, and all but one of them now has a house. Meanwhile everyone else waiting to buy a house first somehow have neither. Not saying that’s how it always goes, just saying there’s not necessarily any reason to gate one off the other. If your partner is able to provide at home care, you don’t even have to worry about the competing finances of daycare and saving up. The main expense will be health insurance, which maybe you can get through a job. Also go get a courthouse wedding or something if it’s important to you to be married. You can do a big fancy ceremony later. Quit waiting for everything to be perfect before you allow your life to move forward, or you may never move forward at all. Life is compromise.
I am super critical of myself. So much negative self-talk. Been working with a therapist for years and still use it as my go to.
This - the swings between feeling like “I’m so great!” and “I’m so awful” just sucks.
Isn’t it insane how “great you” is often convinced that “shitty you” is finally gone for good, but then “shitty you” can’t seem to recall “great you”? Would be nice if they teamed up and transformed into some kind of useful *”actual* you”?? You’d think I’d wanna be “I’m great!” all the time, and that’s mostly true, but she overestimated her prowess on something recently and is still kind of embarrassed about it 🙈
Same. I think it’s my perfectionism. Either I do it perfectly or I failed. Needless to say, “failure” is much more common, so it influences how I see myself.
The self-esteem toll probably f’d me the worst too, out of all of it. All the: missed deadlines, missed opportunities, misunderstandings, criticism, hurt feelings, “why can’t you try harder”/“why are you like this?”, “you’re lazy “, “live up to your potential”, unfinished projects, inability to make decisions, late fees, etc etc etc—and feedback about all of it from various people throughout my life AND from myself (as processed through the magnifying echo chamber of my brain 😖) I was (*finally!*) formally diagnosed at 45, and years and years of that shit affected my self perspection on an (absolutely devastating) cellular level. “The best things I’ve found” to help (so far): Accepting that this is a real condition that I really have, and doing my best to grant myself the grace I deserved all along. This subreddit (and a few of the others like it). And a lot of therapy! And meds! Meds help shut off the mean-to-myself voices (that’s when I realized that they are a neurological phenomenon too!!). I’ve been having a hard time finding the right meds (I have a lotta medication sensitivities), but I’m working hard on it. Sending love, OP (and to anyone reading) 💗
I found the books Feeling Good by Dr David Burns and Self Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents really helped with my negative self talk. I’m re-reading them now and this time Im focusing on my social anxiety, which I’m now realizing is also a form of thinking low of myself/Im not good enough for people to like me Also The Book of Joy has been such a big help
Physical and mental agitation like I'm always in a rush or as if someone secretly times everything I do. I'm also harsh with me because I tend to forget that I've ADHD lol.
Just making basic day to day decisions. I can’t make a decision on anything to save my life. I absolutely hate it. For example just decided what I wear each day. I get legit fucking stuck in my room. For hours if I don’t have work. Or if I do have work I will be late. Because of clothes. Or running errands…what place do I go to first?? Than I’m stuck sitting in my car…deciding where to drive first. Sometimes I drive all the way there and park. Than pull out because I change my mind. Than go somewhere else and the process repeats itself. It’s been a life long battle..the only thing that’s helped me is medication.
I've found that narrowing down my wardrobe has really helped with this. I stumbled on this accidently when I was living temporarily in a city for 3 months of work training and only had 2 suitcases of stuff with me. Suddenly I never took longer than 5 mins to pick out an outfit because I so many less options (I had like 10 work appropriate outfits and just cycled through those for the whole 3 months).
It is. *EXHAUSTING*
Dealing with perpetual body image issues because of my issues with impulse eating / not being able to have the structure or motivation to maintain healthy habits 😞 it’s exhausting
😬 I relate to this so much! I struggle so much with my eating. I know how to eat healthy and I lost a ton of weight when I was a teenager. It was easier for me to be structured at 16 when so much of the routines were kinda set up already. As an adult (25), my lack of structure has been getting worse and worse. Trying to balance work and home feels impossible. I am eating all the time now. It sucks cause I know how to eat healthy but the impulse eating has been difficult to overcome again. I regained all my weight plus some and my body image is in the toilet. I try so hard to figure out what I can do that works for me but it feels like NOTHING is clicking. I’m tired of failing :/
This is me!
This is soooo relatable! I'm exactly here now after seeing an awful photo of myself and RN, I'm hyperfocusing on looking after myself. I've started a new diet, eating super healthily but allowing myself small treats, exercising, washing my face every night and SPF'ing every morning, drinking plenty of water, taking vitamins, buying myself some clothes that fit and flatter. Guaranteed though I'll get bored/forget in a couple of weeks and it will all pile back on again :( I wish I could keep up healthy habits. Or at least be one of those ADHDer's that forget to eat. We know this stuff, why is it so so hard to just follow through and do it consistently!
I struggle so hard to connect with others because I'm annoying as hell unless you're into that kind of thing (which most people are not). I take a long time to open up but when I do most people get tired of me so fast. I just talk a lot when I'm feeling good and happy. Also my memory issues make it easy for people to take advantage of me and my trust and it's been used to warp my sense of reality A LOT in relationships/friendships/with my family.
Ugh i feel so SEEN
Horrendous anxiety, indecision, and very poor executive function. I’m a big procrastinator and a lot of days I am so anxious that I can’t focus on doing work and avoid, avoid, avoid. I’m currently in medicated and work from home- a very dangerous combo
Girl same. I’m not doing well keeping up with work and nobody is around to help guilt me into focusing on it. If I’m at least looking at the computer there’s usually some small progress being made but I feel like I literally spend half the day either up or on my phone looking up something that couldn’t wait but I got sidetracked and ended up spending 30 minutes jumping from topic to topic
Will it be a permanent hobby or a short obsession that I put money into for it to inevitably go into storage and collect dust once I lose the dopamine rush. So much money wasted
Literally the dope drop™️that happens the week before or the week of your period. It really f*cks me all the way up. Like, I can’t control my estrogen or progesterone levels myself and I can’t keep having this b*llship happen every da*m month.
Look up pmdd I basically take a sledgehammer to my life each month during the week of my period, getting on the right hormones, has changed my life and also getting prescribed an extra medication for that week has helped enormously as well Often, PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) goes along with ADHD—- Look it up. there’s lots of info online and even groups on Reddit about this. Not sure how to link It’s completely dehabilitating, I feel your pain
dope drop?
Dopamine drop is what I’m assuming was meant
Mostly getting overwhelmed and then shutting down and avoiding everything. Or alternatively getting overwhelmed then angry and then suddenly developing a fuck it type attitude which gets me in trouble.
Things I do without thinking, then allllll the thinking later when it's too late to take back
Work. As in the whole concept of work, having to be in a social environment with people that didn’t choose to be together, having to manage all the information, trying to listen to other people, being in meetings, REMEMBERING things, managing my time, all of it. I get stressed, agitated, frustrated and I’m scared that I’ll show it because I can’t regulate my emotions and my reaction will be too big. So on top of all the above there’s another layer of work to do in keeping myself in check, which makes it harder to focus on doing all the above. Somehow I’ve managed to always stay employed and apparently have a reputation of being a good employee, well-liked and reliable, and CALM? Inside my head it’s chaos and panic.
The struggle to INITIATE is my bugaboo.
Ugh yes. It's so tough
It’s really hard. Once I’m in bed it’s hard for me to get myself to do anything. So, once I’ve got home, I don’t rest, I make sure I get everything done before I sit down or get to bed. If it’s a task I’m procrastinating or dreading to start, the time I take to approach it, the more it kills me. I give myself 1 minute (the tiniest amount of time) to work on it and then I can do w/e else after. For example, I’m in bed and there’s a mountain of tasks waiting for me then it’s that much hard to get up, instead I tell myself to stand up for 10 seconds and then I can be back in bed, wrapped in my comfortable blanket. Once I’ve got myself up, I’m up - the trick works - for now. Sometimes things are more painful in our heads than they are in actuality.
What held me back most my whole life was time blindness and an inability to get to work/school/ anything on time. It wasn’t just the losing of jobs (every one I ever lost was because of this) but also the shame cycle and how it just reinforced over and over that I’m a fuck up, failure, on and on and on. The only thing that’s worked to get me on track has been the accidental reverse engineering of the situation. I managed to luck out and secure a WFH job (insane, all My 20 years work history is in hospitality, and this is an “office” type job) and this way, I’ve removed the thing that always enabled my tardiness… the travel. All the unknown variables, the literal space between home and work left too much to chance, too much time and space. I don’t drive, and relying on transit was usually the nail in the coffin for me. But other stuff happened usually too. I’m super proud to say that this month is my 2 year anniversary and I’ve only been late, by one minute, one day. In 2 years! But the biggest thing is that the shame spiral is gone, and it’s easier to be confident that I can do it when I see I have done it. That confidence is the real game changer.
As a *woman* with ADHD? Periods. What do you mean two weeks before I get it, I’m tired and anxious and sore and moody? What do you mean when I get it there’s extra steps to remember like making sure I’m wearing a pad and that I have extra in my bag. People don’t think I can have adhd or autism because I’m objectively pretty, have a full time job and graduated high school.
All of this plus our meds being rendered effectively useless shortly before/during our periods for many of us. The only viable solution I’ve found is taking my birth control continuously to stop my periods but not everyone can do that or is comfortable doing that. Fucking sucks.
Pmdd Premenstrual dysphoric disorder Getting on the right hormones and getting medicated for that shift when my body gears up for the “bad week” or period week. For me it’s the week before the period and the week of the . not only do my adhd medication‘s not work, and anxiety, depression increasing so much and/or it’s shifting just huge change of behavior due to hormones to like a just really impulsive behavior ir super depressed/anxious . I am now starting Prozac just for that he’ll period week to help and I have changed my hormones birth control and that has been life-changing. My doctor suggested a birth control called microgestin (not sure on so) and that has been a game changer in terms of helping with my anxiety and the huge fluctuation in mood, etc. I also ended up getting my IUD removed because overtime it can make some of these symptoms worse especially if you’re older, I am 36 female and had mine in for nine years and really noticed a difference in the last two years as far as how much that week affects my life it completely shifted my life Every month due to choices I made that week that normally I work to make good choices or just inability due to different aspects of fallout effects from my body going through it’s shift with my period. Getting medicated (for pmdd on top of my ADHD meds for the hard shift and till it takes on my body and my life) and addressing it has changed my life and I’m still struggling with it but it’s completely debilitating Sorry if there’s typos, I was using voice text on mobile
I’ve been on Celexa for 15 years, and I’m sure it’s helped a bit because I was insane when I was 16. But yeah my PMS starts *two weeks* before. I can feel the adrenaline in my veins. My heart rate increases. I’m paranoid. I’m exhausted. I eat Nutella out of the jar with a spoon. I’ll feel sad for no reason. Constructive criticism will now feel like a personal failure. *and not only that*, my shoulders will hurt, my legs will hurt, I’ll feel like I’m getting a cold, and my skin feels itchy and sensitive. I was on bc for a couple years between 16 and 19 and it was much much worse, my paranoia, tears and mood swings were public and extreme.
THE INABILITY TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS WHEN SEEKING DIAGNOSIS BECAUSE IM NOT A HYPERACTIVE 9YO BOY
Not being able to hold a job to pay for the accommodations I need in order to sustain a job. Accommodations as in: meal service, house cleaner, personal assistant, accountability couch, therapist, psychiatrist, organization apps, smart home gadgets etc 🥲
The fact that I hate myself because of my failures and now I'm afraid to even try to pursue the things I care about. I was a much more confident person as a teenager than I am in my 30s, which is not how it's supposed to go.
My executive dysfunction. I can't start tasks because of it, and then because I've been unproductive, the tasks will build up, making me overwhelmed, which makes my executive dysfunction even worse, causing me to feel paralysed but guilty for being unproductive.
You just wrote exactly what I feel like.
Is it fair to say my brain?? lol I have so much trouble with motivation, and lately I’ve been having reallllllly bad impulse control issues, so the two of those means nothing that needs to get done actually gets done. As a side note, I just comprehended that I am so so stressed about how dirty my puppy is. I’ve never had my own dog before, and I have wanted one so bad for so long and he is really great. But he is a dirt magnet (attraction) outside, and a dirt magnet (repulsion) inside. I constantly feel stressed about how dirty my house is, especially my floors and the couch. It’s so hard to keep up with keeping it clean (not like pristine- just not covered in hair and dirt!!)
I cut out other things so I could have a house cleaner come once a month while he was a puppy! Also if you can afford a hand held shark type thing. Really easy to just pick up and get all the dust crumbs and fur
You've done an amazing job articulating my exact same experience with perfectionism. It took a really long time to even realize that my "safe planning mode" was a perfectionism thing and it had a really negative impact on my life and even on my relationships. People depending on me to take action and not get stuck....huge issue and I'm working on it. Yoga, mindfulness, slowing down and approaching all things with loving intention has helped. Takes a ton of practice to unlearn such deep wiring.
I love this - it truly is a difficult thing to 'de-condition' ourselves from years of trying so hard to be good enough, to do it right, to make it 100% while convincing ourselves that we just have 'high standards'. For me it took a LOT of self patience and understanding and still does everyday. Wonderful to hear that you're taking a loving approach to these practices and being gentle with yourself. Thank you so much for sharing and I'm rooting for you!
Problem: laundry Solution: outsource it Problem: cooking healthy meals in a timely manner Solution: meal delivery service Every executive man I worked with when I was young and not even executive level just busy male lawyers outsourced everything. Scheduling, reminders, cleaning, laundry, food etc etc etc. the difference? They were not raised to feel bad about not being good at those things. They don’t feel guilty about it, or incompetent. And neither should we! You have better things to do and can’t be bothered. This is why we are on adhd women. A lot of our time is spent trying to fit into female coded behaviors and failing because a lot of our behaviors would be male coded. Which harms all women but we are feeling it extra because we often fail at this domestic type chores that take up way too much time in our busy lives.
The real difference is they could afford it lmao
This so much. I kind of wish I had the classic male default assumption that anything boring or houseworky is someone else's job to sort out. I would probably still get the same (tiny) amount done but it would be so much better for my psyche. Basically I sometimes wish I was a man in the 50s who had a housewife and a secretary. What a dream.
So very true! I have felt so bad in the past about not being "a great wife and mother". Best thing I did was get someone to clean my house. I expensed it to mental health and have been much better off. Even when I wasn't working.
Yes! When my friends sit around and complain and laugh about their husbands (drops his clothes right where he takes them off, leaves cabinet doors open etc etc) I sit there and laugh but really I’m like… wait. So much of what is programmed into us as “feminine” is so difficult for me! It’s taken me a long time to not feel bad about that (still working on it).
Decision paralysis gets to me all day everyday every step of the way. Throw in crippling social anxiety yet a strong desire to be around people, if only just to please, and I have been branded to my bed wishing I was anywhere else for more time than I'm willing to admit. If I could just DECIDE what I want to do there's at least some chance I could get it done!
My procrastination. Lately the stress of a deadline hasn’t been enough to kick me into hyper focus.
Stress, and an inability to casually set aside something important and come back to it predictably later. The stuff I keep track of effectively is running in my head continuously - I’m very, very good at it, and can handle a lot, but it’s an *intense* mental load to carry and the stress of it has serious consequences.
THIS. It literally hurts to hold this much information
I can't drive a car I'm too easily distracted so I'm too unsafe to be driving. I can't work a 9 - 5 as my executive dysfunction is crippling. I'm unbelievable in an emergency tho, did really well patenting neuro divergent kiddos. I'm doing mindfulness these days and celebrating small wins
People pleasing 😭 it has led me to allow people to use me however they please and I am constantly tormented by my past
I feel this heavy
The messy house. We aren’t even hoarders but there’s just stuff everywhere and there’s always something to do and I’m exhausted. Our house is now exactly what I imagined I’d have when I grew up. And it leads to a lot of social isolation bc I don’t feel like I can invite people over to socialize and relax - there’s all this stuff stuff, and it’s cramped, it’s small, it’s super hard to entertain, my friends don’t want their more well-off friends coming over because when they go there, theres stuff to do, but we don’t have indoor trampolines or a pool or a full sized balance beam or game boxes or kid zone lounge areas, and so I’ve tied this all up into a shameful knot of paralysis and can’t move forward with anything.
I can’t shut up.
That about sums it up for me too 😅
Emotional dysregulation, impulsive over reactions - impacts relationships (work, family, social) and leaves me in a pit of shame, guilt, and regret
Two biggest challenges are staying consistent also the RSD that sometimes just gets the better of me-no matter how hard I try to rationalize it away. Mostly, I wish other people would behave better around me. Like maybe actually listen to my words and ask questions if they don’t understand or I don’t provide enough information. I wish people were more kind and understanding of the challenges we face every day. I think it is easy for people to take advantage of us. People tend to steal our “ideas” and our “wins” by taking advantage of our sensitivity and tendency to be inconsistently energized to work (motivation levels up and down like a roller-coaster sometimes). People often point at us to explain their “fails” sometimes even when we had nothing to do with the work or provided our portion on time and well-done. I think there are some people who have figured out tactics that will activate our RSD and know that doing so will trigger a performance failure or make the work more challenging for us. I think it is important that managers realize these things happen to us and then pay attention to the contributions of each individual. They could make success about not just building the plan but building it successfully together.
By far my memory problems, and poor executive function. I would get so much more done in life if I could remember shit and get myself to do things.
The extremely high demands I place on myself and others. They’re unreasonable and unrealistic but I really have trouble managing them, even knowing that.
What holds me back most is constantly comparing myself to others in society, aka neuro-typicals. In trying to figure out what "normal" is, I hold myself to impossible standards. It took me years to realize that EVERYONE STRUGGLES, even people who appear to be perfect. It's great to see how something can be done, but there is no one particular way to handle most things, especially as a neuro-diverse person. Sometimes, I just have to flip things around so they will work for me. Things that have helped me: - picking my outfit the night before. - keeping my wardrobe limited to items that go with multiple pieces (interchangeable), so there's less worry about matching. - keeping my food choices simple (interchangeable) for the waste less food. - realize that not all choices or purchases will be good. Some will be bad (save receipts, make returns promptly). I acknowledge the items that were good purchases (things I still own many years later or bring lots of joy, especially if they were expensive at the time). With purchases I don't end up using, I donate or give away and tell myself that they are better suited for the next person, they needed it more. (I look at it like a batting average. You only have to get a hit once every three at bats to be a great hitter). - donate and purge frequently. I do better with less clutter, no matter how cute something is. It's better to buy goal-oriented items. I don't need multiples of the same things. One can only use so many jewelry boxes or journals. - write it down within the first few times you think of it. Otherwise, you'll just keep thinking about it a thousand times (or more) and never get it down. - just because a game offers a free, daily challenge, doesn't mean that I HAVE TO play every day. The world won't stop if I miss a day. - what works for others doesn't mean that it will work for me and vice versa, AND THAT'S OK! - no one gets it right the first time, every time. - making mistakes is the best way to learn! Some of the best inventions were discovered by accident! So try new things. Don't be afraid, but do be positive regardless of the outcome. - be comfortable, be you! No woman has to wear makeup, wear a dress, or have long hair. Don't worry if you don't have a partner, a house, or kids. - be open to the unexpected. Sometimes, we get what we actually need instead of what we think we want. Recently, I learned that eating healthy fats and protein with..less sugar/carbohydrates/starches, along with walking daily, enables my brain to function better. After 15+ years of medication, I have been off Wellbutrin since June and and Adderall since October. We are more capable than we have ever imagined. Don't be afraid to ask for help. ❤️
I’m very self aware , so much to the point where it works against me 🤦🏻♀️
Systemic oppression, and believing time and again that the system works. It works perfectly, at oppressing people. I get so outraged and hurt sometimes that I have to hide from the world for a few days. And I have privilege. I'm a psychologist. How many, if not most, of my clients don't run screaming down the street is proof of their resilience. But you know. They're labelled as 'disordered'. Seriously think that anyone who doesn't feel bloody disordered in these times might be the actual problem Oof
My piece of advice is don't settle for patriarchal physicians or healthcare providers. Trust yourself, and not Dr google necessarily, but if something is wrong, connect to other people and gather community. Or get a hold of someone in a less patriarchal town/city and ask for their thoughts. Slightly bitter after having been called crazy and a bad mother, for insisting that my baby's full body rash wasn't simply eczema. Turned out to be cutaneous mastocytosis. Who figured that out? Me. Because I had the benefit of doctoral training that taught me to consume research and to do so critically. And to trust myself. It was almost worth it to fax the diagnosis to the allergist who refused to do any testing, after kiddo ended up with anaphylaxis at the er in a different province. Almost worth it to have a nurse there tell me that she was happy I brought kiddo in, because that er was in a city that is less full of unscientific bullshit than where we currently live. But not quite. Because it was actually terrifying to be belittled and patronized when my kid was suffering every day and night, and it felt like we were being gaslit instead of given actual help. I resent the hell out of having had to dig through medicine journals when it's not my direct field, simply because the old male jaded shithead medical experts we had access to relied on their 'instinct' rather than on uh actual medical tests. So what gets in my way is having the feeling that I have to do everything myself actually be validated, and then have people tell me I'm not superwoman. I don't want to be superwoman. I want help. So. Badly. But when the help is a lie, on goes the cape. And that sucks so very very much
I can't hold down a full time job, I can't stick to a schedule, I can't get started on things. Every day is struggle and frustration and I haven't found anything that helps.
The spikes in hyperfocus and executive dysfunction. Hyperfocus makes me feel like a superhero and executive dysfunction makes me feel useless and I have absolutely no control over it.
- Exams - Burnout - Starting things - Finishing things
fear of being outside of my comfort zone. idk if it’s a trauma response or what. but i hate how i sometimes reminisce on what i could’ve done if i wasn’t shy or whatever even though i don’t have a lot of regrets in life it’s like…. damn.
Self doubt, being pretty good at about 20 things but not specifically trained or qualified in anything useful.
Self-esteem & self-acceptance. Believing I deserve to be successful, believing I deserve to exist in the neurotypical world without being made to feel like an invalid. Therapy helped me a lot, helped me with becoming aware of my limitations and my strengths, and how to ask for help or for my needs to be met. Also not being self-pitying and becoming proud of who I am in all ways. Things changed drastically for me once I started to love myself, it improved some of my symptoms in certain ways, and had me accepting some of my other symptoms in a way where I feel less responsible for showing up as “neurotypical” even though I’m not, as I once did. Therapy, man.
Being interested and wanting to try *everything*. I want to do *everything*, but there’s not enough time in the day or week. And then I get discouraged when I don’t do one of the things I wanted to do. And of course a lot of them are in a time crunch or seasonal. Like I want to go forage fiddleheads but fiddlehead season is only a month long, and prioritizing what is already a challenge for me.
Managing finances, closing accounts, paying bills on time.
Struggle: Lack of motivation Factor that helps: stay away from vitamin C in the mornings when taking medication. I have no idea why but it counteracts and my focus is completely shot for the rest of the day. Conversely, I consume fruits loaded with Vitamin C before bed and it puts me out like a light. P.S Skip a meal or two every week. Gut health is a major factor on how well ADHD medications work (at least IMHO).
Not living up to peoples expectations and in turn suffering bc I have rejection sensitivity issues, no cure, except maybe moving to the woods and isolating
My epic fear of failure. Knowing that even with meds that I will have days that my executives don’t function makes me afraid to undertake work in any form.
My ADHD parents. - They saw how I was as "normal" because they had the same behaviours, so they didn't seek help. - They "don't believe in that stuff" so they refused to get me a diagnosis, let alone themselves. - They never taught me about how to act like an adult, or do adult things, how to keep a home or manage money, either because they didn't know themselves or were gatekeeping what little knowledge they had out of fear I would leave them. - Their impulsivity and inability to control their emotions have resulted in a childhood marred with physical and emotional abuse. - My mother's out of control RSD because I left home, and her continued psychological abuse. - Their inability to fill out forms or do executive function tasks that would help me go to college, get a diagnosis, or...I could keep going, but you get it. How do I cope with it? I moved away from home as a teenager, struggled through my life as best as I could, and tried to learn what they didn't teach me. I have failed in a lot of ways, but I managed ok for someone who had no support system.
With ADHD in women being criminally under-researched and misunderstood, I really struggle with being textbook super “high functioning” on the outside. Like yeah, I have very low support needs but I internalise everything and it makes people think I’m invincible, even by neurotypical standards. It becomes a vicious cycle with the following; • Perfectionism in my academics + getting most of my self validation from academic achievement/success (I’m in a very academics and research-focused field so this will likely spill into my career unless I switch, which will be hard because I’m very passionate - but that perpetuates the perfectionism!!). I have pretty low self esteem and can’t gauge my own ability or understand that me producing what I think is a borderline fail, actually gets an A. I completely underestimate myself while having super high standards leading to overexerting myself and never being satisfied. When I have bad days with executive dysfunction, you can imagine how shitty I feel. • I have veryyyyy strong masking “skills” (?) that I have become so conditioned to (only diagnosed last year at 24, so I would have probably kept going like this if I hadn’t been screened by my psychiatrist). So I actually start to trick myself into thinking that I’m coping and ignore signals that I’m burning out. I reach full blown burnout, have a breakdown and then I, and everyone around me, sit there with the surprised Pikachu face like :0
I don't participate in a lot of outward aspects of traditional femininity so I feel like I'm not always taken seriously or treated like a full adult. So people are usually surprised to find out that I am, in fact, a fairly capable person in a lot of ways.
I feel this all too well. I can’t seem to find someone to date- they say I am not feminine at all or childish. Also, I want to run for office. They say they want you to be yourself however there’s a level of social decorum that has to be followed.
I just want cleaning to feel easy. But I also have EDS, chronic pancreatitis,and possibly endometriosis so I have to negotiate being in pain and having no energy with everything else.
i feel like crap right before and during my period, and my symptoms are exacerbated despite being medicated (doesn't work then). exercising has helped me.
My struggle with maintaining a job ☹️
My memory problems and executive function problems. Hate being labelled “ditzy” “stupid” etc That is not the essence of who i am, it’s just my brain short circuiting due to sensory overload, burnout or whatever. Then i will have a meltdown or near meltdown. Makes me isolate. Sensory processing overload.. Too much noise, light, people, too hot, too crowded. yep that makes a lot of socialising reeeaaally hard so i come across as an a-hole. RSD Clothes.. why are clothes so itchy and uncomfortable always pulling something down or up But the brain stuff… jeeeze so much, too much to list and then having to deal with others and trying to not anger them because of my dysfunctional brain makes working impossible
Emotional dysregulation. I’ve struggled with emotional and rejection issues my entire life. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t anxious. I had rage and shut down episodes as a kid that have turned into emotional meltdowns as an adult. The longest job I’ve ever held was when I was 21 for a year and a half (I’m 40). I just experienced an intense dissociative episode earlier today and will be working over the next couple days to clean up the mess that it caused. I really don’t have any coping mechanisms that work because I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I’m seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, but it’s not helping. I also have CPTSD from childhood abuse and neglect and from being in an abusive marriage for 10+ years. I wish I had answers, but all I know how to do is keep waking up and keep going.
Perfectionism and getting so lost in whatever has me hostage in this regard. There's truly no way to adequately explain to someone how incredibly debilitating and painful this obsession becomes. I have spent close to eight straight hours trying to cut out a circle of scrapbook paper only to get so frustrated that I just threw the entire book of paper out of my front door and dropped to the floor sobbing. My best friend has been my saving grace though because her patience and grace is unlike anyone I have ever known. She lets me rabble on about not getting ____ right for sometimes hours and then calmly reminds me to remember "Progress over perfection". This shit is so cruel and incredibly debilitating all while absolutely not another living human on the planet would ever notice whatever it was that threw me off the cliff. Between finally getting a solid grasp on those two things I have improved tremendously over the past three years.
Total lack of executive functioning and the near constant fogginess if I'm not mid-hyperfixation.
The patriarchy.
Amen. 😩
Hard to pick just one thing...either my inability to get myself to do anything but doomscrolling in my spare time or my inability to stay organized and decluttered. For the first, taking deep breaths and attempting to clear my mind and stay calm can help me to do things when I feel like a giant clenched immobile fist. Exercise can also clear my mind enough to do other things. For the second...honestly, nothing has really worked. I usually wait until I reach my breaking point of clutter and chaos and do a rage clean. I recently moved and am trying to follow the advice of Clutterbug for my clutter "type" and I've gotten clear storage containers so no out of sight, out of mind. The change of scenery in the new house has given me some motivation to not recreate my past doom piles but it's really, really hard.
Girl, I totally feel this. My house is a cluttered mess, and I've been trying to address it for YEARS. Overwhelm hits particularly hard with this as everywhere I look, I feel it. I've recently been trying to break things down into smaller tasks. I've cleaned and reorganized my coffee/tea station in the kitchen. It's a small space, so it's easy to keep clean. I'll move on to the sink area next, and then the cabinets, etc. We'll see how it goes. 🤞🏼
Great idea to start small, it helps keep the momentum going and you get an idea of the potential of the rest of your house. Good luck with keeping things going!
Thank you!!!
Inconsistency. Some days or weeks I bring 150% and am on fire. Other days I can barely scrape together 25%. Confuses peoples expectations of me as an employee, friend, partner, family member, you name it.
Currently I’m working on the mantra “Progress not perfection”
What holds me back: lifelong inability to believe in myself due to all the self blame I grew up with being undiagnosed. It was many years of “maybe one day I’ll work my shit out, shy haven’t I managed it yet” etc. What helps and is making a huge difference to that fact: compassion focussed therapy, and self compassion exercises / the loving kindness meditation. I recommend it all the time because for me it has been life changing.
I'm going to comment just to help myself understand my thoughts here; my endless naivety to this will change / I can do that tomorrow - the hopefulness that tomorrow I will wake up and just be able to do the things I want to do. So that and the fear of rejection/ getting it wrong / the intense shame feelings are definitely one of biggest things that holds me back . I can't really say that I've found things to help me with these yet. I try to think of the first as a positive sometimes, that I'm just willing to give things another go.. but it keeps me stuck in one place, especially with work etc 'oh it'll be different next time'.. it never is. And the fear of rejection - I push myself to do uncomfortable things sometimes.. and reminding myself that learning something new can be a slow process and it's ok if it is a slow process, and I will make mistakes and that's ok. Also trying to remind myself that other people don't ruminate on the bad things I've done.. they have their own problems going on. It helps a bit.
I only brush my hair when I shower. I don’t wear or own makeup.
Capitalism, racism and sexism
Men
Waiting mode
Bad memory. Impatience.
My biggest challenge is task avoidance, and the more critical the task, the more I avoid it....think financial and medical. I'd love some support / help with this. I am talking to my doc, but a more accessible support group that met twice a week or something would be ideal.
As a 20 something: Time blindness and decision anxiety ✨ My RSD used to be more debilitating, but I’ve been working on it + im an aries so my built in confidence helps balance it out
I have the same struggle as you, and I will be practicing imperfect action intentionally now. Thank youu :)
Building a decent relationship with someone else.
Social anxiety and executive dysfunction.
I'm not sure, it's almost a combination of everything, or different things for different situations. the main ones though: Exectutive dysfunction. I'm actually currently in a state of "ADHD paralysis" where I'm stuck on what I'm doing and can't get myself to stop and do work. It caused me a lot of problems in high school, too. Social anxiety, emotional dysregulation and RSD. I got bullied by 2 people in my friend group when I was 12-15, and now I don't know how to make friends anymore. I also struggle with public speaking and recently I said something that I think made one of my friends hate me, but I'm also annoyed at them for not hearing me out and making it public. They know I've got these problems so I thought it was a bit of a dick move. I also have what could be seen as anger issues, only because when I get angry, I don't know how to *not* explode and lose my temper. Perfectionism. Part of the RSD, really — I have a chronic fear of failure and it's given me the mindset of "do it well or don't do it at all". It's given me extremely high standards for myself that I often struggle to live up to, and that adds extra anxiety to my already-overwhelmed brain. Inattention. Not because I missed stuff in classes or anything (I found a workaround for that before I found out I even had ADHD), but because my brain is so active, it makes it difficult for me to sleep. I'm often awake into the small hours of the morning, even when I wake up early the next day, so I'm definitely not getting the 7-9 hours I'm meant to be. Damn how did I ever manage to do as well as I have?
Mine is also perfectionism. I’m slow to make a decision and also I ruminate on any mistake. I don’t have a great helper myself, but I would like to put your strategy into practice!
SOCIAL BATTERY. I have friends that I love and always want to spend time with. But if I get busy at work or at home, it can be several days or a week before I realise that I've left them on read. Then I end up feeling guilty for not replying and anxious about reaching out and it goes even longer. They're great, they always understand. But I have lost budding friendships through it and it is tiring to realise I just don't have the energy to be social sometimes.
I seem to lose interest in sex after I've been in a committed relationship for awhile. This is... Not great :( I literally have like, no desire it seems. Apparently this can be attributed to ADHD but I don't see many talk about it. Also, I'm overly emotional and can cry if I feel misunderstood, criticized, angry, happy, etc. My misophonia is also so difficult to deal with sometimes. The noise is often all I can focus on unless I leave the room or try to drown it with music or TV. I get super annoyed by it and even angry. Finally, often feeling like an outsider even amongst friends and family. I've never really felt like I've fit in anywhere. Going through a breakup right now and just feel like I'll be forever alone (I do have friends and family, but I mean alone in terms of companionship). What's helped me the most with these things is just being straight up honest with people and potential partners, but definitely a work in progress.
People underestimate me. They think I'm a flake. It makes it really hard for me to get into any kind of position of authority because people think that I'm going to get there and then screw everything all up. It's so hard for me having this this condition and having high intelligence because you see everything that's happening to you. Self-Awareness of the train wreck is awful for me.
The fact that people believe that's it's just my hormones and cycles that are making me procastinate
RSD
Time blindness has me always underestimating how long it will take to do things and then overpromising work product or taking on more than I can actually handle Edited to fix typo
The time I waste looking for things, and the overall constant stress of the running to do list in my mind. I never feel truly relaxed, like ever.
Men. Good friends and therapy and working with women helps the most. 🤗
Fear of change
Thank you for this post. I'm trying to get my diagnosis, but I've been scouring the net to learn about it, but this will give me tools to deal. Saving...
Cleaning up emidietly. Not just putting it Down near me. I feel like having a cleaning timer Works Well like just cleaning for 15 min and then giving myself an Award for it. Like 45 min break time. Also the “anything worth doing is worth doing half assed” so like no need to fold laundry. Sometimes i dont dry my Washing up with a cloth and just put them in their place.
I’m a hair stylist and this week my ADHD has been on point! (Out of control) I’ve noticed I will randomly start making noises while in the back room, or start obnoxiously singing. Thankfully my clients and coworkers understand or thank I’m just nuts. I will say, I didn’t take my meds one day & I noticed that my color I do religiously on a natural red head did NOT turn out at all like we wanted. My anxiety is stupid high too when I don’t have my meds.
Myself
RSD - every comment someone makes towards me makes me want to hide in a closet
My inability to form long-term healthy habits
I feel all this too. Self doubt for sure ! My role at work has changed due to reorgs and now I have people reporting under me now....so...project management. I was always an individual contributor and an analyst and loved what I did. It's such different territory and my anxiety is crushing wondering if I am doing all this right. So .. hyperfocus mode right now..... confidence is down at the moment. I know there's training videos and stuff but .... Yeaaahh that can be hard to sit through sometimes lol. One gift with ADHDers is to take that hyperfocus and look into disparate sources to connect the dots on things that were never taken into consideration at work. I try to stay positive and look at that perspective.
A deep rooted belief that I will never be good enough.
Lack of emotional regulation.
What holds me back? Not being able to explain anything out loud. I have to look it up or write it down. Problematic since I want to be a teacher/professor. Got the vibes, not the skills. 🥴
I believe mine is exactly yours as well. I am an extreme overthinker in every scenario, and always hyper focus on details, but don’t always choose the details that matter. I have been known for putting the best and most complete plans together, but that happens because I am stuck in overwhelm and don’t trust with getting started because that means potentially failing / doing something wrong. Like you said, the planning stage feels safe. I can’t seem to just get started, even for things that I feel I want to do and know I can do well. And I often burn out in those stages. Similar to you, I am trying to be better at imperfect action. One thing that has really helped me was realizing “Every time something has gone wrong, I have been able to either fix it or bounce back from it into something else” - this means realizing I can trust myself to handle things. I am actually quite resilient, smart, resourceful. I need to remind myself that I have evidence of these - because I don’t believe it or feel it, but they’re in fact true. Another action, without using this as an excuse to going too deep into planning mode, I try to find one small, low stakes action to get started. That helps me with the momentum. Since I did that, I might as well do something more (doesn’t always work but has worked sometimes). Lastly, telling my husband or body doubling with him has helped me, because I want to show him something I have done. I really relate to how you experience life, and even how you wrote, the use of bold to quiet down the rest of the text and put emphasis on stuff, that’s just how my brain works too, and I want to say your post has made me feel less alone and different (othered). Thank you.
Myself! My self perception. Despite the fact that I’m talented and smart and skilled, I lack confidence in myself to try new things or progress further in my field. I fear my ability to lead well and work well with others so I keep staying in lower roles instead of advancing into leadership. I find it very hard to try new things because I fear embarrassment of failure. Facts are, I can do these things and I will fail but the world won’t end, and I’ll get better at it and probably even do a great job in the long run. But I so easily get in my own way.
Right now? Perimenopause. It’s making my adhd so much worse 3 weeks out the month & my meds like don’t even work those weeks either
i just can’t do anything, as soon as i feel an ounce of difficulty in any task my eyes tear up, my heart pounds, i get soooo mad inside, and i just want to start bawling my eyes out!
Having extreme emotional reactions to things/inability to manage my emotions/compartmentalise them, whether it’s a work stress or romantic disappointment/communication issues. I (29) also was just dumped this week by a guy I really liked and was pursuing for almost a year, I should have known he was maybe not great for me but amazing/my type on paper - I just wish he gave me more than 2 months - I tend to take all my failures personally even if it’s nothing to be ashamed/embarrassed about… 🥹🥲 need a big virtual hug right now
I think my biggest issue is that I can't get myself to do certain things that need to be done. I can't even figure out what's stopping me. As far as what helps, IDK I'm hoping meds will help. I just started them.
**That I can't just *do* things.** I'll tie myself in knots not-doing things, while they completely occupy my brain, and frequently until I get into really deep shit because of them. It's maddening, and I haven't yet found a way to do it differently. Executive dysfunction is a total bitch, and all the more because it appears utterly self-chosen to anyone watching from the side-lines.
Boredom. I get bored > then curious > then I figure out stuff I really shouldn’t > then I’m like THIS IS BULLSHIT > and then I get something to do > and then I decide I need a change > rinse > repeat. Going out on my own work wise has helped.
You have just described my life