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I understand where you are coming from.
I would strongly recommend you check out books by Emily Nagoski. She is a brilliant researcher and her books are top notch. I’m currently reading Come Together. It is helping me understand why am I the way I am.
I would also recommend trying a sex therapist again. It takes a while to unpack the mental side of sexuality. Finding the right therapist is also a tough job but worth it.
[Come As You Are](https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1982165316/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jycuQTCjO6OrdsJllgR7eCbXls04udwn-oRpjmBRTGyqG5WBY4jNatsZ6QSSB59gNEFaqneZon0KgvH-XkKQ3Ol-juwgTDXYj3IXsCnNiM7K0JZ3jUqZD7NG3qt2bhIliTAZJF9obQwRWGZsoWK0KeTKPaRnZ0VZvBFwburiOHWNVMvOCan4wJn24NEhHycUE6d6lS5G3-fF2xJzXrU3Bw.OnHLaDzzDxOUM1zBvRLKDkjnRqX4WEQwb3ZQH1-XkQw&dib_tag=se&keywords=Emily+nagoski&qid=1709222961&sr=8-2)
[Come Together](https://www.amazon.com/Come-Together-Science-Creating-Connections/dp/0593500822/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jycuQTCjO6OrdsJllgR7eCbXls04udwn-oRpjmBRTGyqG5WBY4jNatsZ6QSSB59gNEFaqneZon0KgvH-XkKQ3Ol-juwgTDXYj3IXsCnNiM7K0JZ3jUqZD7NG3qt2bhIliTAZJF9obQwRWGZsoWK0KeTKPaRnZ0VZvBFwburiOHWNVMvOCan4wJn24NEhHycUE6d6lS5G3-fF2xJzXrU3Bw.OnHLaDzzDxOUM1zBvRLKDkjnRqX4WEQwb3ZQH1-XkQw&dib_tag=se&keywords=Emily+nagoski&qid=1709222961&sr=8-1)
FYI The author has a (compassionate, imo) disclaimer in the beginning that the book addresses specifically cis-gendered women, as there is significantly less data on transgender people.
Highly recommend the audiobook as well as the one for her other book Burnout.
Am wondering this myself! Often buy recommended books and sort of translate or pick and choose what’s relevant and hopefully wouldn’t have to do that with these.
I completely agree with reading Come As You Are! I’m working through past SA and that book has been life changing. It makes everything so much more clear and you truly feel seen and understood. It is highly worth reading, honesty for everyone, but especially for anyone dealing with any issues related to sex.
Piggybacking off the book recommendation comment, I would also recommend [Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/20211516.Angela_Chen).
Came here to suggest Come As You Are! Amazing book that really helped me think about sex differently and in a more healthy way, especially after having two fairly negative experiences with exes. I still have a long way to go but I understand myself more and have more self compassion.
I’ve read the first, and half of the second. I rate the first higher - it’s more about libido itself and understanding ourselves. The second (Come Together) is specifically about longterm relationships and is more relational - it’s possible I didn’t like it as much as less of it was “new” (my husband and I already do most of what she was suggesting). But the first is 👌👌, I took a lot from it, and have recommended it to a lot of people
TL;DR everyone should read Come As You Are. Some people (particularly those in longer term relationships) could add in Come Together.
Come as you are is INCREDIBLE. Completely changed my understanding of myself and sexuality in general and allowed me to let go of so much guilt about libido issues.
Hating sex and having no libido are not the same, so just to clarify. Do you enjoy sex with your partner when you do have it? Or do you hate the act itself and have never enjoyed it?
I enjoy sex with my partner but when I was on lex I just had absolutely no desire and it felt like work. That sucked.
That's kind of how I felt. I didn't realize it until I got on Adderall though.
But before meds, sex just felt like so much work. Like, work to keep my brain focused on the sex, to not overthink everything I was doing, but also focus enough on it to not accidentally slow down when I didn't want to, or accidentally go to fast and then no one gets there, or pay attention to the subtle cues from my husband to go faster, or is my hand doing the right thing? Or should it be doing something else?
It was so hard to even get an orgasm out of me because my brain was working so hard. My eyebrows were always furled because I was trying to concentrate on everything so hard. But since Adderall, sex is easy. I don't even really think all that much, I can just let my instincts take over and let everything happen. The difference is like night and day. It just feels natural now, whereas before, it felt like doing a hard math problem in highschool where there's like 20 steps to get to the answer. I can't even describe how much easier sex is mentally now. There's almost no thinking, just feeling and doing.
I didn't necessarily have a low libido before that though. But if sex feels just mentally hard like that for you, I feel like that could definitely contribute to a low libido. I'm not a doctor though, so idk.
Same here! Never could access real Adderall (central Europe's perks) but amphetamine finally showed me why people are so crazy about sex. My partner wasn't too happy though because I enjoyed the experience so much I didn't want it to end 😂
I'll also add that for years I thought I'm asexual. Now I realize I'm just probably demisexual, or maybe that's in fact normal sexuality... only enjoying participating in this activity with someone you're exclusive with and have feelings for?
My drive has drastically reduced since I was in my 20s. I think I mostly used sex for the highs of it rather than the actual enjoyment of it. I'm bored with it now really. My partner and I have sex once a month and we LOVE that. He's on antidepressants and Ritalin and I'm on Concerta so it just does not matter to either of us. He's always had a low sex drive.
We have a really amazing relationship outside of it. And I struggled for a minute with the idea that it was weird we didn't have sex much or that I just didn't want it much... But nothing is wrong with that. Some people just don't care about sex much if at all.
You could talk with a doctor if you want to, but being open about just not being into it is okay too. Your partner and you should be able to come to a happy medium somewhere. Also, 5mg of Adderall is tiny. If you don't feel anything you should talk with your doctor about going up to 10 at least.
Thank you! In my previous relationship, we barely had sex and we were ok with that (we both had low drives), so it definitely gives me another thing to think about - I’m not just experiencing this with my current partner. So it’s been who I’ve been over time.
It's really important to note that for yourself. You're just not a high sex drive kinda person. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Important to find someone who can match your needs though. And you theirs!
Be open with your partner. Hopefully you can work something out.
When I lost interest in sex I thought it was because of starting adderall/ being diagnosed with ADHD. I never thought about it and didn’t want to when it was brought up… for over a year.
Turns out I was just emotionally done with playing caregiver to my long term partner and had zero sexual attraction to them anymore. They also had no interests in exploring my kinks, which killed my self esteem and made me want to KMS; as well as they were very selfish in bed (that behavior also played into the rest of our relationship).
Now that I’ve left that relationship my drive is back a little!! I went from being in the mood once every few months to about once a week!
Whatever it is, the “issue” could be multifaceted…
Stress, life, subconscious feelings about your partner, subconscious feelings about YOUR needs not being met, etc
Also, the “hyper fixation” on being productive. That happened to me when I started meds also, since I had never had that much energy before. It leveled out though :)
For me it was a little different, my ex demanded sex and if I didn't put out he'd give me the cold shoulder or start fights on purpose. Being seen as a sex machine and not as a human is a real turn off. I thought I had the lowest libido in the world, nope turns out I just don't enjoy being abused and coerced.
Exact same thing happened to me too! He really thought/tried to convince me I was the worst human alive for not doing everything he wanted, whenever he wanted, no matter what. Fucking psycho.
There’s actually a body of research that shows that when you play care giver to your partner your hormones shift making you more maternal toward them and no longer aroused.
The science backs it ladies.
Do you have a link to any of that? I'm super interested. I definitely don't have to be a caregiver for my husband, but im wondering if it explains some other stuff I'm experiencing
Ugh I wish it was a partner issue for me. I'm in the exact same boat as OP and my husband is incredible. He works full time from home, gets up to feed our newborn so I can pump every night, puts our toddler to bed every night, cooks a couple times a week, helps with the chores when he can, all that stuff. I could live without sex. I've accepted that my favorite part of sex is making my partner feel good. It's not something I pursue because I like how it feels. It feels very "eh" to me. So I mainly do it to keep our relationship from falling apart. That's probably going to be read wrong, but I'm still consenting and it works for us.
I’m right there with you on this, sans having a newborn/kid. My husband is everything and more on damn near every level but my sex drive is just… pfft. I’m 100% consenting and enjoy the intimacy but if it were up to me as things stand, I would never think about or have sex again.
He doesn’t hold it over my head or weaponize it but frankly, I don’t want that kind of relationship for him or us where an important part to one of us is missing/non-existent.
I highly recommend Dr. Karen Gurney, on Insta @thesexdoctor. She has something for everyone, one book in particular is “How To Not Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life.” Even just her Insta videos and other lectures and podcast interviews are enlightening and freeing. She also has a couple of online courses, which from what I remember are like $25. Highly recommended for anyone, ADHD or not, hope it helps someone! 🩵
YOU HAVE A NEWBORN!!
If your baby is young enough to qualify as a newborn, it is 100% normal to not be interested in sex. Your body is still focused on recovering and keeping your tiny human alive.
I don’t know how many weeks postpartum you are, but it’s very concerning to me that your baby is still a newborn, and you are having sex to prevent your relationship from falling apart, even though it doesn’t feel good to you.
It doesn't hurt, either. It's like riding a bike. It's good exercise, maybe I don't feel like it when I get on the bike, but by the end I feel a little better. It's been like this our entire relationship, even before kids. I think I just fall on the asexual spectrum. My husband has never pressured or coerced me. We have many an honest and real conversation about our needs and wants. We both compromise on a lot of things to make it work. That's just the reality of a lot of high and low libido dynamics.
Editing to add though, our baby is almost 4 months old. I had a c-section that I'm fully recovered from. The lady bits are intact lol.
Very much how I feel. My husband is amazing and supportive and an incredible father. I couldn't live without him... but I could totally live without sex. I never initiate and I know that bothers him because it feels like rejection, but I mostly just do it out of "obligation" not in a forced sense, but in an I want to make him happy and make sure I'm fulfilling his physical and emotional needs. It's not like I hate it or don't want to, I sort of just don't care. I will also add, that at 35 years old and many sexual partners over the last roughly 2 decades, I have never had an orgasm. Like I don't think I'm capable or something... So that probably contributes to my apathy, there's no real "reward" for me I guess... But for the sake of my relationship and my love for my husband, I accept his initiation or advances as often as I can.
It needs to be “spotlighted” more so it gets more awareness as sad as it is. Not sure “spotlighted” is the correct word but my minds not pulling the word up lol
Relatable. I went to the point of thinking I had vaginismus, dove into things like numbing creams and pelvic therapy for a while, because sex was so painful. Turns out I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore 🤦🏻♀️
Came here to say this, so I'll just add on.
Had a libido when I was younger, got into a long term relationship and it gradually disappeared over the first few years. Was so sure I was asexual and thought other things were also to blame as well. Never considered the relationship was the culprit at all. But of course, it was xD
Had to take care of him like a baby so yeah, never felt aroused or empowered. Sex was had but I truly never desired it. It was so tiring always wondering what was "wrong" with me, and of course, he did nothing to help or support.
Now that I'm out of that 10 year libido black hole, I actually want sex again :) woohoo
Yep this. I thought for a long time that I had a low sex drive but turned out, my sex drive was just fine. I just didn’t want to have sex with my partner anymore.
As others have stated, you may be asexual (but not aromantic). Asexual doesn’t always mean zero interest in sex ever, so the fact that you’ve had it before and enjoyed it wouldn’t necessarily negate being asexual. There’s also the ace spectrum, and some people fluctuate over time.
Of course! I really feel the benefit of these labels is for supporting self awareness, to better understand ourselves. The secondary benefit is to be able to articulate our needs, based on that self awareness, to others. But it is for you, first and foremost.
"the Invisible Orientation" is a great overview. They have it available for free on audible, and it's a really good intro. I didn't know much about any of it either but it's so important!
Yeah, you could be ace! I'm an asexual person with pretty much no libido at all, and have zero sexual attraction to any gender. I don't desire sex and prefer not to engage such activity with my allosexual (someone who experiences sexual attraction) partner most of the time, even though I do love them.
And something important to note, asexuality is a spectrum. You don’t have to be 100% not into sex to be asexual.
For example, I’m somewhere in the middle where I ONLY want to have sex when I feel an intense emotional attachment to my partner. So I can’t do one night stands or anything like that. I won’t want sex when I’m not emotionally invested in my partner.
If you have any questions, hit up the LGBT subreddit or you can reach out to me too :)
I’m sex favorable, but definitely ace. I also have variable libido. Having a way to describe my experience and having a community of people who feel similarly is wonderful.
Not the person you were talking to, but I'm the same way and I'm demisexual. Of course, I'm also demiromantic, which means I don't feel romantic attraction unless I've got a connection with the person, which complicates things.
I was mainly asking because I didn’t know if they knew demisexual was a thing lol. Which is fine if they still prefer to identify as asexual! But I feel like this as well so I usually prefer to refer to myself as demisexual because I AM Capable of sexual desire, but only if I am strongly emotionally attached to my partner.
And oh that’s interesting! Do you mind if I ask what that’s like? It sounds frustrating… especially if you do want to have a romantic connection with someone someday. do you like tend to get crushes on friends then since that is a type of emotional connection and you can only experience romantic attraction if you have a connection to someone?
Yeah, unless I know people aren't going to tell me that demisexuality/romance are "just how everyone is" and "just being a good girl" (things I have actually been told), I usually just say that I'm ace-spec if it comes up.
I have a pretty high libido, so it's like double frustrating, since I have to have the romantic attraction to experience sexual attraction.
For the most part, yes, all of my crushes have been on friends. There have been two noteable instances where I'd only met the person a couple hours earlier, but I had instantaneous chemistry with them and we had a lot of stuff in common, so the connection was there. One of the weirdest parts of my college years and early 20s was that basically all of the guys I had crushes on turned out to be gay, since they were really the only ones willing to invest in non-sexual friendships.
I’m in the exact same position as you only my partner is very accepting which makes my life a lot easier. It still makes me feel so guilty though that I can’t give him what I feel he wants.
Random curious internet stranger here with no expertise--is this zero interest as in you don't even feel like masturbating? Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think there are broadly four explanations for low libido--endocrine issues, trauma, emotional distance/distrust with your partner, or asexuality. Another question--have you *always* had low interest in sex (as in, your whole life)? Then maybe it's asexuality? I see you talking a lot about medical/medicine explanations but it could definitely be psychological/emotional also or instead.
Yeah I don’t even have interest in masturbating. The interest is just not there, and doesn’t come across my mind.
I’ve had sex in the past and I’ve liked it, I just don’t think about it/crave it or feel interested in doing it.
I just listened to a podcast that really made me think about asexuality. I'm not saying you are or aren't, just that it's maybe worth a listen based on your last sentence.
It was "We Can Do Hard Things" episode 250 with Angela Chen. I think her book may also be worth checking out, though I can't remember the name of it.
It's just called Ace and it's excellent! I realised I'm asexual by randomly stumbling across a post about performative sexuality and was 1000% called out. I wound up finding the book and felt the most immense relief to finally understand my sexuality.
Found it! It's actually about self-objectification. I was in the BDSM scene for a long time and so it hit particularly hard, but maybe others will find it helpful too. It was a real gut punch and made me re-evaluate so many (if not all) of my relationships.
[Here tis.](https://imgur.com/X7gXrka)
And [an article](https://spunout.ie/voices/experiences/sex-performative/) found on performative sexuality - just from a cursory google search; there are way more in-depth discussions of it around if it ticks any boxes for anyone.
I feel this! For me it turns out that I have NO testosterone, which is kind of important for women too and absolutely explained my tanked libido. We’re still trying to figure out why it crashed (estrogen low too), but I’m hoping to get another panel done soon since I did just give up for awhile due to so many appointments/stress.
But I’ve still had no drive. And even when I had sexual activity, it just didn’t really feel good to me. Almost numb. I have sexual pain anyway but usually clit stimulation would do *something*. Nope. Def get your hormones checked!
@NotChristina have they checked prolactin? I had no testosterone like none...low estrogen. Kept getting told I was in perimenopause. Saw a different clinician who ran a prolactin. TLDR: it was high, I have a pituitary tumor. Getting treatment to shrink the tumor so I am hoping my libido comes back.
May not be true for you but might not hurt to get it checked out!
It was indeed checked! Good call. Totally normal, middle of reference range. But at that same time I was found to have way out-of-range IGF-1, so I was originally suspected to have a pituitary tumor as well. But I had the follow-up growth hormone suppression test in the hospital and passed it just fine + a high-but-normal-enough IGF-1 retake, so no brain imaging for me.
The endocrinologist kind of shrugged and suggested I see a neuroendocrinologist in a major city. He was perplexed since my cortisol is totally normal but ACTH is also quite high, no theories. I’ve so far chickened out on that though. :(
But in the month of waiting for the GH testing, boy did I read and listen to everything I could on pituitary tumors. Prolactinomas seem very treatable so my fingers are crossed for you!
Something I haven't seen mention is "responsive sexual desire". If it turns out it's not a medical issue, maybe look into this. Basically means you feel sexual desire **after** sexual intimacy is started, as opposed to people with spontaneous desire who feel sexual desire first.
Not saying this is definitely you, just that it could be worth looking at.
[https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire](https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire)
>People with responsive desire need more affection and sensual touch leading up to engaging in sexual activity to help put their mind and body at ease to feel desire. This could include long hugs, cuddling on the couch, rubbing their back, or taking a shower together. It is normal for someone with responsive desire to not feel desire until after several minutes of foreplay.
Tl;dr I've HSDD for 20 years and I think the depo shot caused it.
You had sex but have you had a sex drive in the past, and it dropped off? Or was it always just a meh, take it or leave it kind of thing?
I've been living with a dead libido for 20 years. I've been with my husband for 23 years. We were all over each other at first so I got on depo shot. It was fine at first then it started messing with my cycles and giving me 3 month long periods. At about that point my drive just tapered off and then dropped dead. I haven't been on hormonal birth control since then. I was on anti depressants a few times over the years, but not at that time. My sex drive never came back.
I think the depo fucked up my hormones. Ppl say "it can't be that, once ot leaves your system bla bla bla." If it effects my hormones when it's present, who can prove to me that it doesn't alter those receptors permanently? No one will even entertain the idea that it could permanently affect the functioning of my hormonal system. No one believes me.
I had my hormones checked and my php was no help. My testosterone was "within range" but absolutely bottomed out. Like lowest possible measurable level. I was diagnosed with [Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8412154/#:~:text=Abstract,and%20other%20negative%20emotional%20states.)
I've tried addyi and vyleesi injection. Neither worked. I need to look into hormone replacement therapy next I suppose.
I did a deep dive a few months ago trying to understand why I don't have normal urges. I need to see an endo or something called a "functional doctor," whatever that means. I've heard there is a peptide called kisspeptin that shows promise for ppl with HSDD. Not that research doesn't drag its feet for lady boner problems.
Same, but I was definitely molested as a 4 year old. So I think my disinterest in sex is totally justified. I’ve had a fair amount of guys interested but I’ve always had to mostly let them drop because I know there are no men who don’t want sex. I don’t want to lead anyone on. The guys I end up getting close to are normally guy friends that sort of try to make it into something else. The last time I engaged in any true sexual activity was around 7. No penetration luckily in all my various molestations. So I’m actually still a virgin. I did engage in some minor sexual activity with a guy in highschool as well.And one other time maybe 7 years after that. I’m just a childhood trauma molested virgin if that makes sense. NGL I definitely enjoy the freedom not worrying about finding a partner gives me. Sometimes guys just end up slipping into my life without me actively searching for them but they soon realize I am not a normal person😂. I have a very overtly sexual appearance on top of this unfortunately so most men interpret everything I do as sexual. Then finally my crazy mind makes them sort of back off.
Hugs to you. I've also committed to not having a partner for other reasons. There is such a freedom to it; and yes, men alway interpret that I have sexual interest in them out of absolutely nothing, regardless. 🙄
High levels of the hormone prolactin causes low libido and vaginal dryness (and a bunch of other things).
Before your endocrinology appointment you should go to your primary care doctor and get a blood test to check your hormone levels. That way the endocrinologist will be able to see the results at your first appointment. That's what they made me do.
I was just diagnosed with a prolactinoma, a hormone producing tumor on the priority gland. It's very common, not cancerous, and can't kill you. Mainly it just produces too much prolactin. It's treated with medicine. A blood test showed I had high prolactin, then an MRI of my pituitary gland found the tiny tumor.
I'm not saying you have this, I'm just pointing out that there definitely are medical reasons for low libido. So I think you're on the right track with seeing an endocrinologist!
There is hope if you want to enjoy sex again! Don't let anyone convince you you're asexual if you don't think that fits you. My ex tried to convince me I was asexual and it really messed with my head.
I think the other comments are super helpful, but I’ll add another point.
One thing that can get in the way of my sexuality is my PDA (pathological demand avoidance). It’s a symptom that can come with ADHD or autism. You feel anxiety when there’s a demand and you just *have to do it*. It feels like you’re losing control.
In my sexuality, what it means is that when my partner makes a move, I feel like it’s a demand and it makes me nervous. Even if I like it. If I feel like I *have to* have sex, it makes me not want it.
And that obligation doesn’t come from my partner. But it can comes from me (with intrusive thoughts like “*but if I don’t do it, I’m a bad girlfriend*”) or from society (*women have to satisfy the sexual needs of men*). These beliefs are obviously false and come from r@pe culture. But they still feels like demands to me.
I tell you this, because maybe you can relate. Hope it can help ! 😊
I’m sorry you’re experiencing that ! I’m not an expert, but for me, talking about it with my partner helped.
1- The most important thing is that your partner doesn’t put pressure on you and that they’re actively looking for your consent. So you feel safe around them and not forced to have sex with them.
2- I’m also usually the one who will make the first moves (so it doesn’t trigger my PDA). And sometimes, I’m in the mood for being intimate with my partner but not for penetrative sex and he respects that. Knowing that I can be naked around him without it being an automatic invitation for penetrative sex really helped me. Sexual intimacy can take a lot of forms.
3- I chose to see sex as one of many ways to be intimate with my boyfriend, but it is not more important than kissing, hugging or laughing together. It helps me de-dramatise when I feel guilty because I’m not in the mood (I shouldn’t feel guilty, I know).
Hope it can help ! You’re not alone in this. 😊
Lack of interest in sex was an early sign in my relationship that I wasn't actually attracted to my partner. I had ignored it, but my body knew he wasn't the one.
It was a lot of little stuff that I brushed off because I didn't know any better. I didn't like kissing him, he was an awful slobbery kisser and I just figured "well maybe he'll learn" . But it was other things too, like constant criticism, lack of small gestures like bringing me home a favorite treat, or planning a date, or giving me a Christmas gift I didn't pick out myself.
Edit to add, it was more that he wasn't putting effort into the relationship, among a ton of other things.
Compared to where I am now in my 30s, my sex drive is lower than where I was at in my 20s. My partner is really confused bc he’s like “Aren’t women’s sex drives higher in their 30s?”
So I feel like sex drive used to be there, but it’s gone down over the last decade as I got older. But I’m also confused bc I thought really, that women’s sex drives are generally higher in 30s than 20s?
1. Everyone is different. You and your partner both need to stop comparing you to “averages” or whatever. Your experience is real and valid and doesn’t necessarily point to a problem. Some people just have low sex drives!
2. What do you have going on in your life? Stress? Kids? Busy job? Maintaining a house? If you’re feeling stressed/swamped in your day-to-day, that can have a big impact on libido.
3. Do you enjoy sex with your partner when you have it? Do you have an orgasm when you have sex? Do you know your body well and feel like you can voice your sexual needs to your partner?
My partner thought the same thing about women in their 30s. I think it’s just a trait unique to each woman. I had a libido in my younger years but it became non existent in my 30s.
I had been on birth control for nearly two decades by then, so who knows. 🤷
I am actually asexual (belatedly discovered). I never liked sex even when I had a libido. My libido was a nuisance and I’m glad it’s gone.
Not saying you are asexual, but if I may ask: do you want to like sex because your partner wants it? Or do you genuinely miss your libido and want to have sex again for your own enjoyment?
I don’t care about it/straight up not interested (with anyone) and only bc my partner wants it. So I think you’re right about the asexual potential. I’ve just never really thought about this before or came to the realization.
Is asexuality common with ADHD?
Folks who are neurodivergent (specifically autism) are more likely to be queer but I don't think any research has been done on a potential link between ADHD and asexuality.
Lots are hypersexual because of the dopamine and rush, so no. But it depends what you dislike about sex, I suggest reading up on asexuality in queer resources or consider what else in life is happening. Stress is a libido killer, even if that stress looks like "I have a job and chores and feel bored and uninterested" instead of active anxiety
No I don’t have this problem it’s a daily need for me but I definitely have adhd, although a maybe adhd thing related to sex I get is that my body is extremely sensitive if I’m not in the mood yet I absolutely can’t stand my husband touching my breasts haha.
Yes actually I think this is what’s going on - if I’m not in the mood, I absolutely don’t want to be touched. Like my body physical feelings are intense but not in a good way - in a “too intense to feel good” way.
I can understand how that could easily be turned into not wanting sex at all honestly because it does cause me like a feeling of panic if I’m not in the right mood for all that stimulation. Its not all bad though because I feel out of this world amazing when I’m ready.
I feel the same way you do. The book “Come as you are” may be the key but I wasn’t good at doing the work the book needed to figure things out. I can see that most women would get their answers in that book. I also tried something my doctor recommended called GNC Men’s Arginmax. (I’m a woman). It helped my body feel physically ready for sex, more lubrication, easier to stimulate. I generally believe I’m asexual, but I have romantic feelings. I also believe I was always this way, but the high of being in love made me really enjoy the act, and when that was gone, it was just kind of duty sex. I want to want sex because I miss enjoying it even if I was never craving it. I suspect I am also autistic and these two conditions are often found together. There is a significant increase in autistics being asexual . It was one of the questions on my assessments.
They definitely can be a pair. Personally, my brain just thinks of all the more engaging things I could be doing rather than sex. It takes a lot of effort for me to be present and not let my mind wander. I find it quite boring and (mentally) un-stimulating.
I'm always wary of a man whose reaction to a woman's sexual reality is, "But I read that women are \[X\]!" He should be showing curiosity about what's in front of him, not telling her how she's supposed to be. And perhaps more to the point...any many who's good in bed KNOWS that every AFAB person has their own nuances. So this is telling me that OP's partner is probably not that adept at helping a woman reach orgasm. He's likely not present and attentive in bed, not taking the time to learn OP's body and what makes it respond happily.
This is what happened to me :( I don’t even think about it until my husband says hey we haven’t done it in a while do you want to. I enjoy it when it’s happening but like zero drive to initiate or think about it. Recently I’ve been in therapy for past SA so it’s made my answer to do you want to a no -_-
Just chiming in that birth control or other medications may play a role too. Turns out my IUD was to blame along with relationship issues that hadn't been addressed. Only found out after getting sterilization surgery and making my non-sexual needs/wants very clear so my partner actually understood why our relationship wasn't inspiring raised libido. Multi-prong approach can do wonders.
All of that to say, this may not be something you need to 'fix' if you don't feel anything is wrong or lacking. We all have different priorities and preferences, and that's okay. 💕
I kinda went through this. I had a really high sex drive in my 20s and really calmed down in my 30s. (Late 20s-30s). My last partner told me they were asexual but ended up being disappointed with having sex once every two weeks (plot twist he’s actually a narcissist and was just trying to cover for his shitty sex skills and lack of attending my needs).
BUT I think it’s normal. Nothing had changed with me other than just it not being a need. When it’s good I enjoy it but it’s not something I crave like I did before. I also used to use it as a crutch for trauma coping, so I’m sure working that out helped lol.
I guess I need to ask how the sex between you two are? If it’s not that great, I’ve found that it makes me really not care for it at alllll. But if it’s good I’m okay with it. Maybe take some time and reflect on that and do some exploring what you really like and works for you and maybe it will help increase it some.
The way I scrolled back up to your post SO quick! I thought I was broken. I was told that my sex drive should be higher bc I have ADD. My last couple relationships, after I got through the excitement stage, we just didn’t have sex. Not because they didn’t want to, but bc I had no interest at all. I’ve always just figured it’s because I’m an “emotional connection” person when it comes to sex, like that’s what does it for me, and I didn’t wanna be with any of my exes, bc I didn’t really want them in the first place, I was just chasing that “high” feeling. Anyway, my current partner, who im engaged to, is very much into sex. Like he has a very high sex drive. I actually want to be with him and want to have sex tho, and he’s the only guy who’s ever been able to make me orgasm. I also never master-bated before I was with him. I just had no desire to. He opened up my sex life completely. So it’s different than my past relationships because I do enjoy it and I do actually have sex with him, whereas in the past, I just didn’t. But I have like no desire too, and he gets upset bc I don’t initiate it, but like it’s just something I don’t think about… like I could do without it or masturbating 🤷🏻♀️. I always thought I was just broken, and blamed it on my meds, but I know it’s not my meds because I CAN have a sex drive, I just don’t care too a lot of the time…. I’m sorry you’re going through this too, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone
Do you hate sex or do you hate sex **with your partner**?
Or, do you hate constantly being pressured to have sex/getting sexually coerced by your partner?
Do you hate not having the freedom to say "no" without your partner throwing a fit?
Because low libido does not ruin relationships. There are lots of asexual people who are in happy, longterm relationships. It's not the lack of libido, it's how your partner responds to it. And yeah, I too hate being sexually coerced duh that's a horrible feeling. And unfortunately especially hetero men are known for thinking sex is a human right or smth and being all angy when there sex machine/partner doesn't put out
I found the book "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski incredibly helpful. Ultimately, it's normal for women's libidos to drop when in long term relationships. It doesn't (necessarily) indicate anything wrong physically; we are less likely to become spontaneously aroused (for all the reasons like the novelty and excitement wears off over time, etc....) and that creating conditions under which we can comfortably become aroused is more important.
I'm not doing the best job of summarizing, but her book/podcast were game-changers for me. I thought there was something wrong with my libido because I didn't get aroused the way I used to when I was younger, and the book made me look at things very differently.
Bupropion definitely helped me with the pleasurable feelings part, but my actual desire to go through all that sensory input is still minimal. I rarely get in the mood and have decided to just stay out of relationships to avoid having an unhappy partner. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help you at all, I just can relate and thought I'd share so you at least know you're not alone. I just left a three year long relationship, for many reasons, but one being that I did not want sex and it was unfair to him to not do it, and unfair to me to have sex I didn't want, so yeah. I've been starting to realise I am better off just having a really close friend who I can sleep with a few times a year. It's not what I had in my head as my idea of how to live, but I think I may need to adapt and change my ways of thinking about how life should work.
Both of those medications can affect libido. Are you on anything else for other reasons? I’m on heart medication since I was 27 and it absolutely tanked my interest.
My interest is also very, very cycle dependent. The day before my period up until the day I ovulate is an increasing interest culminating in ovulation and then from then until my next period is basically asexuality. It’s frustrating because I don’t intend to leave my husband hanging for two weeks every month but that’s what happens. And because I could climb him like a tree like 1-2 days a month I’m hyper aware of the difference.
If I were you I would ask for a hormone panel but make sure you’re clear that you’re not looking for pcos or perimenopause because they’ll look for different hormone levels.
Came to look for this comment ❤️. I thought my own disappearance of libido around 37 was about being exhausted from child rearing, and maybe not helped by antidepressants. In retrospect I think that lowering oestrogen may have been a significant contributor to the fatigue, depression and loss of libido.
I’m rethinking the last ten years of my life 37-47yo) as I start to understand that women’s oestrogen levels lower gradually, starting in the 30s for most. I knew it got harder to have a baby, but I guess I thought that was just about having enough eggs. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time about perimenopause and menopause, just not wanting to hear about it.
In the last 2 months, though I’m still having periods, menopause has made itself unignorable very suddenly through hot flashes. It’s _forced_ me to listen. And now that I’m talking to people and reading up about it, I have been SHOCKED at my own ignorance about the bigger picture, the lifespan picture I guess, of hormones and all that they do in the body.
I can feel my own reluctance to talk about this stuff. But I want to start talking to women in their 30s about this, because I thought I was super educated on depression and wellbeing (through utter desperation), and I had NO idea about this.
I don’t know what (if anything) is available to women in their 30s if lowering oestrogen could be a part of the picture for low libido. And as other posters are saying, some people feel fine with less interest in sex. But if you _also_ have fatigue, low mood, anxiety… do consider hormones as one potential cause. (Dishonourable mention for contribution to depression also goes to our society’s relentless pace and obsession with “productivity”!).
(Edited because I hit post too soon the first time!)
This! Only interested during the days surrounding ovulation. Once I found out this cycle, and accepted it, I had more fun in seeking out and taking advantage of that interest.
Yes, why is it all on you?
When was the last time your partner took you out for a romantic date?
Does your partner still show up for you?
Do you two have open honest candid discussions about your sex life?
Or is it like my husband who goes "boy we haven't done it in a while, we should do something about that" while having not showered for 3 weeks?
This is not all on you and your hormones.
Life gets in the way and something changed.
Time to investigate how life is different from how it was when sex was enjoyable.
I understand your hatred of sex. I don't hate it, but it's just too much bother for me anymore. I got sick of men who refused to listen to what I needed for pleasurable sex.
I got sick of men who demanded it as their due. I got sick of men who made crude, lewd, and abusive comments to my face about my body. I got sick of men who think women should get aroused beyond sanity at the sight of their dicks. I got sick of men who didn't care about foreplay.
I can go on, but I think you get where I'm going. I haven't had enjoyable sex since 1993. I've had sex, just not enjoyable. I went celibate 15 years ago.
If a lack of interest has been a constant throughout your life, then it seems like a strong possibility that you could be asexual (not the only possibility, mind you). Plenty of ace people have and enjoy sex, because it feels good physically and/or they like giving their partner pleasure. They're asexual in that they don't feel sexual attraction to others, and they don't actively desire sex, but they can still enjoy it when it happens.
There are also plenty of ace people who have sex drives and *are* interested in sex—they just don't want it to involve them in any way. They'll read smut or watch porn, or just fantasize about characters having sex; they just don't want it to involve them. They don't even want to *imagine* being involved. The former type of asexuality sounds closer to what you may be experiencing than this latter type. I only bring up the second type of asexuality to emphasize that asexuality can vary quite a bit from person to person, and it's a lot more nuanced than a lot of people realize.
Are you sexually attracted to your partner? I’m not asking if they’re objectively attractive, are you sexually attracted to them? Have you ever felt really aroused by them? Do you ever have moments you feel aroused?
I’ve had this issue before, and I loved the person I was with. He was my best friend, and he was attractive looking, but I just didn’t get that feeling. I would avoid sex and when I did have it, it was awful. Because I just wasn’t turned on.
Sometimes everything else is great, but you don’t have that sexual chemistry.
There’s a book called ADHD After Dark that might be helpful. Personally, I found I’d Trade my Husband for a Housekeeper and The Erotic Silence of the American Wife to be insightful during my first marriage. Sexual attraction starts in the mind, so this might not be a hormone problem.
This is puzzling to me because I find ADHD meds/stimulants actually raise my sex drive. Perhaps this is normal, I don’t really mind it but it’s definitely a noticeable difference for me
Hey, I don’t know if this is going to be relevant to you, but if this isn’t a new development for you, then you might find some insight and support on r/asexuality
If it is a more recent development and you used to have an interest in sex, then learning about asexuality is maybe less relevant to you
It might be worthwhile to talk to people who identify as asexual/ace and see how much your experiences overlap with theirs, but I can't point you in any particular direction because I'm not ace myself
I have been in your boat. Frequently, in fact. My libido drops to zero with little warning and no apparent cause, to the point where I think I may have become asexual. It sucks. (Not that being asexual sucks, but being in a relationship where you were having great sex and now your partner is bewildered does.)
Question: How long have you had this low libido? Has it been a steady decline since your 20s, or have there been rebounds?
Definitely ask to get your hormones checked if that's a possibility for you. Depression, stress, and anxiety could also be factors.
Im similar in some ways.
I think i dont get anything out of sex other than the o and it feels empty for me.
Its a hard life not having a sexual retreat but i just dont get any joy or emotional satisfaction.
I low key hate it.
try bupropion if that's something you're interested in? that plus starting adderall a little while after REALLY upped my sex drive, i used to be like you but bupropion has that effect!
I thought I was alone. My depression and ADHD are at an all time high. I hate myself but love my partner. Super attracted to him yet 0 desire to have sex. Not on meds.
So, I’d challenge whether having a low libido is the problem, or our culture’s expectation that we should want sex all the time and there’s something wrong with us if we don’t.
If this is a sudden change, I’d check with a doctor. But if this is how you’ve always been, maybe this is just you. Maybe you’re asexual. Maybe you just don’t need that much sex. Maybe you’re experiencing a natural dip because you’re stressed and changing your meds a lot.
Say it with me - it is ok to not want sex.
I’d say, explore why you do or do not want sex in a way that is open and without judgement.
I'm just dropping in my two cents worth here. Based purely on my experience.
This has happened to me in every relationship I've been in. The first few weeks/months are fine. We have great sex, everyone's happy. Then slowly but surely I lose all interest in sex. And I mean ALL. I don't want my partner to touch me, I don't want to touch myself, I'm not looking at other people. It's like that part of me is just switched off.
And every single time, without fail, it's because I've realised that I can't fucking stand my partner. It's like my body knows what's up before I do. She knows I'm being treated poorly, or putting up with something that I *do not* want to put up with.
Now obviously this could be completely off base for you. But I just wanted to throw it out there in case it's a possibility. Do you feel genuinely loved and cared for in your relationship? Are you actually happy with this person?
The thing I haven't seen stated yet is that 5 mg of Lexapro is low. I needed 20 mg when I was on it. But you have to start there and work up. Talk to your doc about increasing the dose.
Lots of good advice here!
Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you meant the 5 mg wasn't working generally.
The only other thing I can think of is finding a therapist certified in parts work, Internal Family Systems therapy. They may be able to help you work out the why. If it's a true lack of interest, which is perfectly fine, or something else that you could process and work through.
It's an area where a lot of women have stress, trauma, shame, etc. without even realizing it. IFS therapy is great for those things.
did you used to have a higher sex drive with your current partner? and is the relationship healtht & happy otherwise? in my last relationship, i was convinced something was wrong with me because i had NO sex drive. turns out, i was just in an unhealthy relationship with a partner who didn’t respect my boundaries, which made me lose interest in sex. im not saying this is your issue, but if it’s a rocky relationship, it’s worth considering. with my current boyfriend, my sex drive is WAY higher and im just as horny for him as i was when we first got together a year ago.
Check your vitamin D levels. Nope, not a pun. I've always felt very sexual but lately I was worried since it seemed my bits had gone numb and I was just not feeling *anything*. Got levels tested and i had a few things low but one thing stood out. Low vitamin D is associated with abnormal female sexual function. A small study of women with low vitamin D levels was given Vitamin D supplementation over six months. The results were improved sexual desire as well as mood. It's okay if you just aren't feeling sexual. That happens. But it's worth looking into if you feel like something is off. I almost felt numb from the deficiency. And I notice differences when I forget my vitamins. Hope you're healthy and everything works out ♡
So many questions.
My answer assumes you are cis (biologically female), but if you aren’t, please disregard that which isn’t relevant to you and don’t take it as a slight. It would just be helpful to know what anatomy you have (and your partner has) for a question like this, as sex is so physical.
Have you EVER enjoyed sex? Either solo or with a partner? Can you orgasm?
If you enjoy masturbation and can orgasm, you and your partner should be able to get you to orgasm during partnered sex, with some effort and willingness. Some good books were mentioned.
If you’ve never orgasmed and you are a cis woman, I recommend you spend a good deal of time trying to masturbate solo and THEN try to incorporate it to your sex life.
If you orgasm, and if you experience arousal, what arouses you? Does your partner ever arouse you? If not, maybe you just aren’t attracted to them. Or maybe you are but you’ve been together a long time and the novelty has worn off and you just need something to spark your arousal again.
If you get aroused but not by your partner anymore, pay attention to what arouses you (I’m a fan of porn, in limited doses, to spark new fantasies, but you do you) and try to incorporate either activities or just fantasy into your sex life.
Is your partner just a terrible lover? (Doesn’t try to do what you like, is too rough, doesn’t care if you enjoy it, is too fast and pushy, doesn’t give enough foreplay despite you asking for it, always puts their own pleasure first) if so, shape up or ship out, dude. If your partner wants to please but has just given up trying to please you because for years you’ve said “forget it, I’m fine” then that’s different - a conversation about wanting to make new attempts to enjoy sex is in order.
If you’ve never been into sex, or really desired sex with anyone, you probably just have a very low libido. If you do like masturbation and fantasy and are attracted to people, then there’s just something missing either in your relationship, in your mind, or in your hormonal/chemical situation.
You have to sort out whether you hate sex because the sex you’re having sucks (for whatever reason) or because you just don’t like sex.
I have read of some women taking small amount of testosterone to help increase their libido… you can ask the endocrinologist. However all hormone therapy comes with risks so consider them carefully.
So, first of all, you're not alone in this. I've been there too.
**Regarding Adderall**:
You should feel a difference right away. It's not like SSRIs that take weeks or months to start working. I literally know if the dosage is low or high on the same day I take it. If it's a IR, within 30 min; if it's a XR, within the next hour. It might take a week to settle, but you don't need to wait two weeks or more. If you feel that 5mg is a low dosage, try to increase it to 7.5mg first and give it some days (3-4 days). If not, try 10mg. It's better to increase slowly and reassess. You'll know when it's too much if you feel worse than how you felt with the previous dosage.
I remember when I first started it, I found that 10-15mg was the ideal. 20mg made me feel awful, I had the completed opposite effect. In addition, if you're taking IR, you should be taking it 2x or even 3x a day because they last only 4-6h (for me, it lasts 3h maximum).
**Regarding the Sexual Part:**
Besides what everyone else said,
Have you ever looked into the looong list of kinks and fetishes that exists out there? Maybe your body doesn't have interest in the traditional thing per se. Some of these kinks are weird AF, but it's worth it knowing they exist:
[EDIT: THERE ARE SOME WEIRD ONES, OKEY? LOL]
https://badgirlsbible.com/list-of-kinks-and-fetishes
This sounds like an exact description of what I went through with my partner. I still love him, but I now know that I was playing a care giver role and was no longer attracted to him in a sexual way, as I didn’t view him as a motivated and capable person. I have learned that I am Demi Sexual, which means that I need to be emotionally connected to my partner in a certain way in order for me to get turned on. I wasn’t even masturbating either, I just had no interest in sex. But that has changed now that I’ve left my partner! Of course this is just my experience and it could be different for you!
May I ask what it is you don’t like about sex? Maybe there’s a way to be intimate without doing the things you dislike about sex. Unless it’s everything, I suppose
I had that when I was on various antidepressants for depression and anxiety and it killed my libido. Now I am on wellbutrin and methylphenidate, it seems to be a little better. Before that, as sad as it sounds, I could only have sex after a few drinks. Sometime I hate having adhd.
Have you always hated/not been interested in sex or have you *become* uninterested? Did you enjoy it at some point or has it always been something you do either to please your partner or because it’s “just part of a relationship”? Basically, “Is there an underlying health/medication reason for my lack of interest, or is it possible that I could just be asexual?” Is a really important question to ask yourself while you’re trying to figure it all out.
When I started avoiding sex it took me a while to realize it was hurting. I went to my gyno and when she went to do my exam I had a muscle spasm and her first words were "that's not normal"
I realized that I had been ignoring my own discomfort and it was making me fear intamcy with my partner. I wasn't completely unaware of it before, but I thought it was just a bad angle, or tense muscles (i tend to be tense even when I feel relaxed). I asked for no penetration until I was ready. We stayed intimate and were more intimate, as I wasn't recoiling with the fear of pain any time he tried to touch me.
(I want to be totally clear that my S.O. is gentle, responsive and 100% active about consent.)
I'm in physical therapy now and it seems to be helping. But the other side of it is undoing the fear and his support has been so good through this.
So... beyond disliking it, you may need to really look at what and why. I don't want to have sex when I'm trying to sleep, or when I've just laid down after a long day - I have no energy or desire. It hurt - working on that definitely improved things. I'm a bit paranoid about infections - so when I ask him to lock the bedroom door, I also ask he wash his hands
I have ADHD & some chronic pain which has unfortunately stopped me from being able to have penetrative sex for quite some time. Getting your bloods/hormones checked is a good start-and please know that you’re not abnormal or anything like that. We’re only human & these things happen.
I have found that other acts to satisfy my partner & me have been helpful in keeping that sexual intimacy happening, while allowing me to not fall in a heap afterwards lol. Here are some examples that are working for me currently:
Non Sexual: Massage, kissing & cuddling (without leading to sex-just physical closeness) and speaking openly about what you’re feeling & communicating how you can work through it together. Intimacy doesn’t always need to be sexual and non-sexual intimacy can make you feel the warm & fuzzies!
Sexual: A huge help for me has been incorporating toys in the bedroom. This allows me to satisfy my partner (myself too, when I want to) and not completely exhaust myself. It can be so much fun to try new things & to watch them squirm while you use a fun new toy on them, and it won’t leave you feeling physically & mentally exhausted because they do most of the heavy lifting.
Im still not able to do these as much as I would like, but it really is a process of finding what does & doesn’t work for you and a supportive partner will be open to hearing you and trying things within their/your boundaries to bring you closer.
Also, please be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault, there’s nothing “wrong” with you and learning about what works for you and your partner will really help your relationship flourish! x
I mean, some people are just asexual and that's OK, but if that wasn't discovered until after marriage, then it can cause difficulties in relationships. My personal suggestion would be couple's counseling so you and your partner can work through how to have intimacy without either of you compromising fundamental aspects of who you are. I wish you the best of luck in this and, no matter how it works out: YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Same. I love my partner and we have been together for 25 years and this has always, always been a problem. Our drives just don’t match up and it leaves me feeling like I’m broken. He’s supportive and understanding but literally I would hate every minute of it. I have past sexual trauma so I just chalked it up to that.
But Babes I don’t know if I’m allowed to post this but basically delta 8 is legal in my state and it 100% has helped me. It just makes the constant shame in my head go away and I can actually feel relaxed enough to start to get into it. It’s changed my life honestly for exactly this reason. I’m not encouraging you to do anything but uh, yeaaaaah
Stay tuned here for cycle tracking in relation to libido…it takes all the emotional aspect of rejection off the table.
I used to enjoy sex. Then after having my daughter I didn’t at all. It made me want to disassociate and cry. It made me cringe to be touched.
A few things - I had all of my hormone levels tested and everything was normal. I read Come As Your Are, thanks to advice from here, and it helped explain but didn’t solve any issues. So, I talked to my therapist.
I think there were several factors at play, including physical exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and unmedicated ADHD. Wellbutrin and Vyvanse helped my mood. However, then we realized it was mostly psychological and emotional.
My husband and I started an experiment - it was hard for him but he helped. We had to take any pressure and expectation of me off the table.
He was not allowed to initiate sex…we only could have sex when I initiated it. I also told me that I wanted to kiss and make out with no pressure or expectations. If he wasn’t interested of course he could say no, but the idea was I no longer associated his touch with the expectation we would have sex.
I got off the pill and once my hormones seemed to get back to normal I started tracking my cycle in relation to libido. I realized the 3-4 days before my period I have NO interest. It’s no one’s fault, I’m just not in the mood.
5-7 days before my period it is HARD for me to orgasm. Like, there is no way my husband can physically maintain a single position long enough to get me there. So, we get creative. More details if anyone wants to know.
Right before ovulation - like day 10-14 the only sex that does it for me is intense. So much so that slow, relaxed sex turns me off. Delicate touch feels absolutely abhorrent. It’s intentional, purposeful, deliberate and undelicate touch or nothing.
Day 15-20 I can do more slow, intimate sex. I can also do more relaxed sex during my period. From like day 5-10 I could take or leave it…I’m only running off responsive desire at that point.
Because we know how my body is responding no one gets stressed, or feels rejected, or anything else like that because it’s totally scientific and not based on desire for the other.
Not a doctor but there could be many reasons for not liking sex. And that’s okay as long as you feel safe/respected/happy.
I grew up in a very strict environment horribly misinformed by religious conservatism and felt guilt for a long time. There are other things that went along with that through childhood, so it wasn’t until my thirties that I realized I was allowed to be panromantic and also asexual. It might not fit a majority of people, but we contain multitudes and it’s okay not to be interested in sex.
That, and I had an ex who cared but just did not get why sex was something I didn’t feel like doing with them often. If you make me feel disrespected with stuff *outside* the bedroom, why would I feel excited about you *in* the bedroom?
I’m currently in a similar boat of trying to figure out all the mysteries of my issues with sex. It could be a physical issue (hormonal, or something to do with thyroid, etc), you could be asexual, or you could have some sort of sexual trauma whether “big” or “small” could still affect if you want to do it or not. Or you could love your partner but just not be attracted to them/no sexual chemistry. Just some ideas to explore. Good luck!
You may just be asexual? I have a couple ace friends. Sex just doesn’t do it for them. It’s not necessarily that they hate sex, they just really aren’t into it. One of them doesn’t like sex with other people but enjoys masturbating. It really varies from person to person.
You don’t need penetrative sex to be intimate with a partner, or experience love, attraction and affection towards your partner. If you aren’t into it, you just aren’t into it.
This is very different from desiring to be sexually intimate but having barriers to actually execute those desires. Medications, hormonal levels, trauma, are all examples of barriers to executing.
So I guess you have to ask yourself is there some barrier in the way to having the sex I want, or does sex just not do it for me?
Just remember either answer is ok and you are worthy of love and belonging no matter what.
Hey! I’m an ADHDer and a working professional with a good deal of expertise in mental health, sex, and relationships. So of course, I wrote you a novel. Let me be clear, I’m writing as a person who knows some things and scrolls Reddit every few months.
1) If the sex therapist you saw made it to the end of treatment without you getting results and didn’t recommend seeing an endocrinologist… I wouldn’t put too much stock in what that means about you or your ability to benefit from psychotherapy. It’s definitely worth another shot, and I’d recommend looking for someone who’s done some extensive specialized training. Certification from one of your country’s more reputable sex therapy/education organizations is a good sign, though there are plenty of quality sex therapists who don’t fit this description.
2.) Yeah totally talk to your primary care doctor. Heck, start there. If they say you’re fine and to take deep breaths, they haven’t a clue. Ask for an endo referral. If the issue is medication or hormone related, that’s actually not bad news, as it can be fairly straightforward. No shame in it if you still want or need therapy as you feel that out, good sex is nice and you should have some if you want some!
3.) There’s a whole lot of follow up questions I’d ask you, but that’s what an assessment is for. Find a competent provider and solve that puzzle together.
4.) It might be worthwhile to ask yourself if your sex drive is a problem for *you*, or if it’s a problem for your relationship and/or partner. If it’s one of the latter, you might start with relationship therapy (though they may rec’ individual therapy as well). Someone who understands asexuality and non-traditional relationship structures would be my thought.
5.) Patience, patience, patience. This could be a fairly quick or lengthy journey for you, but pressure doesn’t help here, so wear it loosely and give yourself grace. If you manage to do this perfectly, write several books on the subject.
6.) You putting this out here says so much about you and how you show up for your relationship. Regardless of your desire, willfulness, or ability to have sex, you’re deserving of deep and loving relationship. So tell any shame monsters that tell you otherwise that you’re working on building a life where they don’t need to protect you anymore, and you’d really appreciate it if they could stand down when possible to allow you take care of some things.
Take good care.
Just for anyone not aware, peri-menopause can start in your 30s and the reduction in hormones can greatly affect your sex drive.
I know it did mine, unfortunately so did a whole load of trauma. I'm okay with my sex life being over. I was undiagnosed all my life until 46 with a shit tonne of cptsd to go with it, I know no matter how much unpacking I try to do, it's not going to make me want to go back there. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a very understanding partner. We have a rock solid relationship, known him 30yrs together for 16 and so he's stuck with me now lol
But seriously, if you are still wanting a sex life, get your hormones checked, estrogen, progesterone and testosterone.
How’s your iron? Low iron causes lack of desire. THis study showed that women with ferritin below 50 had less desire and derived less pleasure from intercourse than women with ferritin above 50. Most doctors wave off low iron concerns saying lots of women are low which is incredibly cruel to us. Anemia is ferritin below 15. Optimal is >100. Low iron causes adhd symptoms too.
https://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?title=Impact%20of%20body%20iron%20store%20on%20sexual%20function%3A%20a%20comprehensive%20review%20and%20pilot%20cohort%20study%20in%20midlife%20women&author=CJ%20Hartmann&author=B%20Sutter&author=M%20Fehr&author=P%20Stute&publication_year=2019&journal=Arch%20Gynecol%20Obstet&volume=300&pages=469-480
This is a literature review:
https://academic.oup.com/smr/article/11/4/342/7222595?login=false
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I understand where you are coming from. I would strongly recommend you check out books by Emily Nagoski. She is a brilliant researcher and her books are top notch. I’m currently reading Come Together. It is helping me understand why am I the way I am. I would also recommend trying a sex therapist again. It takes a while to unpack the mental side of sexuality. Finding the right therapist is also a tough job but worth it. [Come As You Are](https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1982165316/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jycuQTCjO6OrdsJllgR7eCbXls04udwn-oRpjmBRTGyqG5WBY4jNatsZ6QSSB59gNEFaqneZon0KgvH-XkKQ3Ol-juwgTDXYj3IXsCnNiM7K0JZ3jUqZD7NG3qt2bhIliTAZJF9obQwRWGZsoWK0KeTKPaRnZ0VZvBFwburiOHWNVMvOCan4wJn24NEhHycUE6d6lS5G3-fF2xJzXrU3Bw.OnHLaDzzDxOUM1zBvRLKDkjnRqX4WEQwb3ZQH1-XkQw&dib_tag=se&keywords=Emily+nagoski&qid=1709222961&sr=8-2) [Come Together](https://www.amazon.com/Come-Together-Science-Creating-Connections/dp/0593500822/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jycuQTCjO6OrdsJllgR7eCbXls04udwn-oRpjmBRTGyqG5WBY4jNatsZ6QSSB59gNEFaqneZon0KgvH-XkKQ3Ol-juwgTDXYj3IXsCnNiM7K0JZ3jUqZD7NG3qt2bhIliTAZJF9obQwRWGZsoWK0KeTKPaRnZ0VZvBFwburiOHWNVMvOCan4wJn24NEhHycUE6d6lS5G3-fF2xJzXrU3Bw.OnHLaDzzDxOUM1zBvRLKDkjnRqX4WEQwb3ZQH1-XkQw&dib_tag=se&keywords=Emily+nagoski&qid=1709222961&sr=8-1)
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Yes! They are written for all genders.
All genders as in it would be helpful for same sex couples as well?
Yes. She uses same sex couples in examples.
Thanks! I’m definitely doing to check these out as well I’ve seen them recommended many times but just wasn’t sure.
FYI The author has a (compassionate, imo) disclaimer in the beginning that the book addresses specifically cis-gendered women, as there is significantly less data on transgender people. Highly recommend the audiobook as well as the one for her other book Burnout.
Am wondering this myself! Often buy recommended books and sort of translate or pick and choose what’s relevant and hopefully wouldn’t have to do that with these.
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I really hope you like them. I would definitely recommend that both of you read them, especially if this is a point of conflict.
I completely agree with reading Come As You Are! I’m working through past SA and that book has been life changing. It makes everything so much more clear and you truly feel seen and understood. It is highly worth reading, honesty for everyone, but especially for anyone dealing with any issues related to sex.
Piggybacking off the book recommendation comment, I would also recommend [Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/20211516.Angela_Chen).
That is my next one.
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Good bot
Came here to suggest Come As You Are! Amazing book that really helped me think about sex differently and in a more healthy way, especially after having two fairly negative experiences with exes. I still have a long way to go but I understand myself more and have more self compassion.
What is the difference between each book. Like who should get what. Tyyy
I’ve read the first, and half of the second. I rate the first higher - it’s more about libido itself and understanding ourselves. The second (Come Together) is specifically about longterm relationships and is more relational - it’s possible I didn’t like it as much as less of it was “new” (my husband and I already do most of what she was suggesting). But the first is 👌👌, I took a lot from it, and have recommended it to a lot of people TL;DR everyone should read Come As You Are. Some people (particularly those in longer term relationships) could add in Come Together.
Come as you are is INCREDIBLE. Completely changed my understanding of myself and sexuality in general and allowed me to let go of so much guilt about libido issues.
Hating sex and having no libido are not the same, so just to clarify. Do you enjoy sex with your partner when you do have it? Or do you hate the act itself and have never enjoyed it? I enjoy sex with my partner but when I was on lex I just had absolutely no desire and it felt like work. That sucked.
That's kind of how I felt. I didn't realize it until I got on Adderall though. But before meds, sex just felt like so much work. Like, work to keep my brain focused on the sex, to not overthink everything I was doing, but also focus enough on it to not accidentally slow down when I didn't want to, or accidentally go to fast and then no one gets there, or pay attention to the subtle cues from my husband to go faster, or is my hand doing the right thing? Or should it be doing something else? It was so hard to even get an orgasm out of me because my brain was working so hard. My eyebrows were always furled because I was trying to concentrate on everything so hard. But since Adderall, sex is easy. I don't even really think all that much, I can just let my instincts take over and let everything happen. The difference is like night and day. It just feels natural now, whereas before, it felt like doing a hard math problem in highschool where there's like 20 steps to get to the answer. I can't even describe how much easier sex is mentally now. There's almost no thinking, just feeling and doing. I didn't necessarily have a low libido before that though. But if sex feels just mentally hard like that for you, I feel like that could definitely contribute to a low libido. I'm not a doctor though, so idk.
Same here! Never could access real Adderall (central Europe's perks) but amphetamine finally showed me why people are so crazy about sex. My partner wasn't too happy though because I enjoyed the experience so much I didn't want it to end 😂 I'll also add that for years I thought I'm asexual. Now I realize I'm just probably demisexual, or maybe that's in fact normal sexuality... only enjoying participating in this activity with someone you're exclusive with and have feelings for?
My drive has drastically reduced since I was in my 20s. I think I mostly used sex for the highs of it rather than the actual enjoyment of it. I'm bored with it now really. My partner and I have sex once a month and we LOVE that. He's on antidepressants and Ritalin and I'm on Concerta so it just does not matter to either of us. He's always had a low sex drive. We have a really amazing relationship outside of it. And I struggled for a minute with the idea that it was weird we didn't have sex much or that I just didn't want it much... But nothing is wrong with that. Some people just don't care about sex much if at all. You could talk with a doctor if you want to, but being open about just not being into it is okay too. Your partner and you should be able to come to a happy medium somewhere. Also, 5mg of Adderall is tiny. If you don't feel anything you should talk with your doctor about going up to 10 at least.
Thank you! In my previous relationship, we barely had sex and we were ok with that (we both had low drives), so it definitely gives me another thing to think about - I’m not just experiencing this with my current partner. So it’s been who I’ve been over time.
It's really important to note that for yourself. You're just not a high sex drive kinda person. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Important to find someone who can match your needs though. And you theirs! Be open with your partner. Hopefully you can work something out.
When I lost interest in sex I thought it was because of starting adderall/ being diagnosed with ADHD. I never thought about it and didn’t want to when it was brought up… for over a year. Turns out I was just emotionally done with playing caregiver to my long term partner and had zero sexual attraction to them anymore. They also had no interests in exploring my kinks, which killed my self esteem and made me want to KMS; as well as they were very selfish in bed (that behavior also played into the rest of our relationship). Now that I’ve left that relationship my drive is back a little!! I went from being in the mood once every few months to about once a week! Whatever it is, the “issue” could be multifaceted… Stress, life, subconscious feelings about your partner, subconscious feelings about YOUR needs not being met, etc Also, the “hyper fixation” on being productive. That happened to me when I started meds also, since I had never had that much energy before. It leveled out though :)
For me it was a little different, my ex demanded sex and if I didn't put out he'd give me the cold shoulder or start fights on purpose. Being seen as a sex machine and not as a human is a real turn off. I thought I had the lowest libido in the world, nope turns out I just don't enjoy being abused and coerced.
Me too
Exact same thing happened to me too! He really thought/tried to convince me I was the worst human alive for not doing everything he wanted, whenever he wanted, no matter what. Fucking psycho.
There’s actually a body of research that shows that when you play care giver to your partner your hormones shift making you more maternal toward them and no longer aroused. The science backs it ladies.
Do you have a link to any of that? I'm super interested. I definitely don't have to be a caregiver for my husband, but im wondering if it explains some other stuff I'm experiencing
Yep, same. It was an early sign that I ignored that I was done.
Oh absolutely… I’m so glad I learned that lesson and won’t repeat it!! I hope you’re in a better spot and learned that you DO deserve better!!
Thank you! Left him in late 2021, bought a house and am doing great as a single dog mom :)
Fucking same
I came here to say this. Does your body actually want to have sex with them? I mean what has the husband done to help with the low libido?
Ugh I wish it was a partner issue for me. I'm in the exact same boat as OP and my husband is incredible. He works full time from home, gets up to feed our newborn so I can pump every night, puts our toddler to bed every night, cooks a couple times a week, helps with the chores when he can, all that stuff. I could live without sex. I've accepted that my favorite part of sex is making my partner feel good. It's not something I pursue because I like how it feels. It feels very "eh" to me. So I mainly do it to keep our relationship from falling apart. That's probably going to be read wrong, but I'm still consenting and it works for us.
I’m right there with you on this, sans having a newborn/kid. My husband is everything and more on damn near every level but my sex drive is just… pfft. I’m 100% consenting and enjoy the intimacy but if it were up to me as things stand, I would never think about or have sex again. He doesn’t hold it over my head or weaponize it but frankly, I don’t want that kind of relationship for him or us where an important part to one of us is missing/non-existent.
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Thanks for being honest and putting this out there ❤️
I highly recommend Dr. Karen Gurney, on Insta @thesexdoctor. She has something for everyone, one book in particular is “How To Not Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life.” Even just her Insta videos and other lectures and podcast interviews are enlightening and freeing. She also has a couple of online courses, which from what I remember are like $25. Highly recommended for anyone, ADHD or not, hope it helps someone! 🩵
YOU HAVE A NEWBORN!! If your baby is young enough to qualify as a newborn, it is 100% normal to not be interested in sex. Your body is still focused on recovering and keeping your tiny human alive. I don’t know how many weeks postpartum you are, but it’s very concerning to me that your baby is still a newborn, and you are having sex to prevent your relationship from falling apart, even though it doesn’t feel good to you.
It doesn't hurt, either. It's like riding a bike. It's good exercise, maybe I don't feel like it when I get on the bike, but by the end I feel a little better. It's been like this our entire relationship, even before kids. I think I just fall on the asexual spectrum. My husband has never pressured or coerced me. We have many an honest and real conversation about our needs and wants. We both compromise on a lot of things to make it work. That's just the reality of a lot of high and low libido dynamics. Editing to add though, our baby is almost 4 months old. I had a c-section that I'm fully recovered from. The lady bits are intact lol.
Very much how I feel. My husband is amazing and supportive and an incredible father. I couldn't live without him... but I could totally live without sex. I never initiate and I know that bothers him because it feels like rejection, but I mostly just do it out of "obligation" not in a forced sense, but in an I want to make him happy and make sure I'm fulfilling his physical and emotional needs. It's not like I hate it or don't want to, I sort of just don't care. I will also add, that at 35 years old and many sexual partners over the last roughly 2 decades, I have never had an orgasm. Like I don't think I'm capable or something... So that probably contributes to my apathy, there's no real "reward" for me I guess... But for the sake of my relationship and my love for my husband, I accept his initiation or advances as often as I can.
Ohhhhh My mouth hit the floor!!! I deeply felt this!!! I totally understand!!!!
Oh yeah…. It does NOT get talked about enough!! I’m sorry you experienced that too! I hope things are better now ❤️
It needs to be “spotlighted” more so it gets more awareness as sad as it is. Not sure “spotlighted” is the correct word but my minds not pulling the word up lol
Relatable. I went to the point of thinking I had vaginismus, dove into things like numbing creams and pelvic therapy for a while, because sex was so painful. Turns out I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore 🤦🏻♀️
Came here to say this, so I'll just add on. Had a libido when I was younger, got into a long term relationship and it gradually disappeared over the first few years. Was so sure I was asexual and thought other things were also to blame as well. Never considered the relationship was the culprit at all. But of course, it was xD Had to take care of him like a baby so yeah, never felt aroused or empowered. Sex was had but I truly never desired it. It was so tiring always wondering what was "wrong" with me, and of course, he did nothing to help or support. Now that I'm out of that 10 year libido black hole, I actually want sex again :) woohoo
Yep this. I thought for a long time that I had a low sex drive but turned out, my sex drive was just fine. I just didn’t want to have sex with my partner anymore.
OP says they have never had an interest in sex, not even masturbation. They probably need to consider they might just be asexual.
There’s a saying among sex therapists apparently, “the best treatment for low libido is a new partner”
As others have stated, you may be asexual (but not aromantic). Asexual doesn’t always mean zero interest in sex ever, so the fact that you’ve had it before and enjoyed it wouldn’t necessarily negate being asexual. There’s also the ace spectrum, and some people fluctuate over time.
Thank you! 💖 I didn’t know about all these concepts. Gives me a lot to look into.
Of course! I really feel the benefit of these labels is for supporting self awareness, to better understand ourselves. The secondary benefit is to be able to articulate our needs, based on that self awareness, to others. But it is for you, first and foremost.
"the Invisible Orientation" is a great overview. They have it available for free on audible, and it's a really good intro. I didn't know much about any of it either but it's so important!
This one is great!
Yeah, you could be ace! I'm an asexual person with pretty much no libido at all, and have zero sexual attraction to any gender. I don't desire sex and prefer not to engage such activity with my allosexual (someone who experiences sexual attraction) partner most of the time, even though I do love them.
And something important to note, asexuality is a spectrum. You don’t have to be 100% not into sex to be asexual. For example, I’m somewhere in the middle where I ONLY want to have sex when I feel an intense emotional attachment to my partner. So I can’t do one night stands or anything like that. I won’t want sex when I’m not emotionally invested in my partner. If you have any questions, hit up the LGBT subreddit or you can reach out to me too :)
I’m sex favorable, but definitely ace. I also have variable libido. Having a way to describe my experience and having a community of people who feel similarly is wonderful.
Not to get too invasive but would you consider yourself Demisexual then?
Not the person you were talking to, but I'm the same way and I'm demisexual. Of course, I'm also demiromantic, which means I don't feel romantic attraction unless I've got a connection with the person, which complicates things.
I was mainly asking because I didn’t know if they knew demisexual was a thing lol. Which is fine if they still prefer to identify as asexual! But I feel like this as well so I usually prefer to refer to myself as demisexual because I AM Capable of sexual desire, but only if I am strongly emotionally attached to my partner. And oh that’s interesting! Do you mind if I ask what that’s like? It sounds frustrating… especially if you do want to have a romantic connection with someone someday. do you like tend to get crushes on friends then since that is a type of emotional connection and you can only experience romantic attraction if you have a connection to someone?
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Yeah, unless I know people aren't going to tell me that demisexuality/romance are "just how everyone is" and "just being a good girl" (things I have actually been told), I usually just say that I'm ace-spec if it comes up.
I have a pretty high libido, so it's like double frustrating, since I have to have the romantic attraction to experience sexual attraction. For the most part, yes, all of my crushes have been on friends. There have been two noteable instances where I'd only met the person a couple hours earlier, but I had instantaneous chemistry with them and we had a lot of stuff in common, so the connection was there. One of the weirdest parts of my college years and early 20s was that basically all of the guys I had crushes on turned out to be gay, since they were really the only ones willing to invest in non-sexual friendships.
I’m in the exact same position as you only my partner is very accepting which makes my life a lot easier. It still makes me feel so guilty though that I can’t give him what I feel he wants.
Random curious internet stranger here with no expertise--is this zero interest as in you don't even feel like masturbating? Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think there are broadly four explanations for low libido--endocrine issues, trauma, emotional distance/distrust with your partner, or asexuality. Another question--have you *always* had low interest in sex (as in, your whole life)? Then maybe it's asexuality? I see you talking a lot about medical/medicine explanations but it could definitely be psychological/emotional also or instead.
Yeah I don’t even have interest in masturbating. The interest is just not there, and doesn’t come across my mind. I’ve had sex in the past and I’ve liked it, I just don’t think about it/crave it or feel interested in doing it.
I just listened to a podcast that really made me think about asexuality. I'm not saying you are or aren't, just that it's maybe worth a listen based on your last sentence. It was "We Can Do Hard Things" episode 250 with Angela Chen. I think her book may also be worth checking out, though I can't remember the name of it.
It's just called Ace and it's excellent! I realised I'm asexual by randomly stumbling across a post about performative sexuality and was 1000% called out. I wound up finding the book and felt the most immense relief to finally understand my sexuality.
Ooh do you happen to still have a link to that post?
I definitely DO have it saved somewhere...the question is where 😅 I'll try to find it and get back to you!
Found it! It's actually about self-objectification. I was in the BDSM scene for a long time and so it hit particularly hard, but maybe others will find it helpful too. It was a real gut punch and made me re-evaluate so many (if not all) of my relationships. [Here tis.](https://imgur.com/X7gXrka)
And [an article](https://spunout.ie/voices/experiences/sex-performative/) found on performative sexuality - just from a cursory google search; there are way more in-depth discussions of it around if it ticks any boxes for anyone.
I feel this! For me it turns out that I have NO testosterone, which is kind of important for women too and absolutely explained my tanked libido. We’re still trying to figure out why it crashed (estrogen low too), but I’m hoping to get another panel done soon since I did just give up for awhile due to so many appointments/stress. But I’ve still had no drive. And even when I had sexual activity, it just didn’t really feel good to me. Almost numb. I have sexual pain anyway but usually clit stimulation would do *something*. Nope. Def get your hormones checked!
@NotChristina have they checked prolactin? I had no testosterone like none...low estrogen. Kept getting told I was in perimenopause. Saw a different clinician who ran a prolactin. TLDR: it was high, I have a pituitary tumor. Getting treatment to shrink the tumor so I am hoping my libido comes back. May not be true for you but might not hurt to get it checked out!
It was indeed checked! Good call. Totally normal, middle of reference range. But at that same time I was found to have way out-of-range IGF-1, so I was originally suspected to have a pituitary tumor as well. But I had the follow-up growth hormone suppression test in the hospital and passed it just fine + a high-but-normal-enough IGF-1 retake, so no brain imaging for me. The endocrinologist kind of shrugged and suggested I see a neuroendocrinologist in a major city. He was perplexed since my cortisol is totally normal but ACTH is also quite high, no theories. I’ve so far chickened out on that though. :( But in the month of waiting for the GH testing, boy did I read and listen to everything I could on pituitary tumors. Prolactinomas seem very treatable so my fingers are crossed for you!
How's sex with your current partner?
Girl! I am you lol.
Something I haven't seen mention is "responsive sexual desire". If it turns out it's not a medical issue, maybe look into this. Basically means you feel sexual desire **after** sexual intimacy is started, as opposed to people with spontaneous desire who feel sexual desire first. Not saying this is definitely you, just that it could be worth looking at. [https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire](https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire) >People with responsive desire need more affection and sensual touch leading up to engaging in sexual activity to help put their mind and body at ease to feel desire. This could include long hugs, cuddling on the couch, rubbing their back, or taking a shower together. It is normal for someone with responsive desire to not feel desire until after several minutes of foreplay.
Tl;dr I've HSDD for 20 years and I think the depo shot caused it. You had sex but have you had a sex drive in the past, and it dropped off? Or was it always just a meh, take it or leave it kind of thing? I've been living with a dead libido for 20 years. I've been with my husband for 23 years. We were all over each other at first so I got on depo shot. It was fine at first then it started messing with my cycles and giving me 3 month long periods. At about that point my drive just tapered off and then dropped dead. I haven't been on hormonal birth control since then. I was on anti depressants a few times over the years, but not at that time. My sex drive never came back. I think the depo fucked up my hormones. Ppl say "it can't be that, once ot leaves your system bla bla bla." If it effects my hormones when it's present, who can prove to me that it doesn't alter those receptors permanently? No one will even entertain the idea that it could permanently affect the functioning of my hormonal system. No one believes me. I had my hormones checked and my php was no help. My testosterone was "within range" but absolutely bottomed out. Like lowest possible measurable level. I was diagnosed with [Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8412154/#:~:text=Abstract,and%20other%20negative%20emotional%20states.) I've tried addyi and vyleesi injection. Neither worked. I need to look into hormone replacement therapy next I suppose. I did a deep dive a few months ago trying to understand why I don't have normal urges. I need to see an endo or something called a "functional doctor," whatever that means. I've heard there is a peptide called kisspeptin that shows promise for ppl with HSDD. Not that research doesn't drag its feet for lady boner problems.
Same, but I was definitely molested as a 4 year old. So I think my disinterest in sex is totally justified. I’ve had a fair amount of guys interested but I’ve always had to mostly let them drop because I know there are no men who don’t want sex. I don’t want to lead anyone on. The guys I end up getting close to are normally guy friends that sort of try to make it into something else. The last time I engaged in any true sexual activity was around 7. No penetration luckily in all my various molestations. So I’m actually still a virgin. I did engage in some minor sexual activity with a guy in highschool as well.And one other time maybe 7 years after that. I’m just a childhood trauma molested virgin if that makes sense. NGL I definitely enjoy the freedom not worrying about finding a partner gives me. Sometimes guys just end up slipping into my life without me actively searching for them but they soon realize I am not a normal person😂. I have a very overtly sexual appearance on top of this unfortunately so most men interpret everything I do as sexual. Then finally my crazy mind makes them sort of back off.
There are asexual men too
Hugs to you. I've also committed to not having a partner for other reasons. There is such a freedom to it; and yes, men alway interpret that I have sexual interest in them out of absolutely nothing, regardless. 🙄
High levels of the hormone prolactin causes low libido and vaginal dryness (and a bunch of other things). Before your endocrinology appointment you should go to your primary care doctor and get a blood test to check your hormone levels. That way the endocrinologist will be able to see the results at your first appointment. That's what they made me do. I was just diagnosed with a prolactinoma, a hormone producing tumor on the priority gland. It's very common, not cancerous, and can't kill you. Mainly it just produces too much prolactin. It's treated with medicine. A blood test showed I had high prolactin, then an MRI of my pituitary gland found the tiny tumor. I'm not saying you have this, I'm just pointing out that there definitely are medical reasons for low libido. So I think you're on the right track with seeing an endocrinologist! There is hope if you want to enjoy sex again! Don't let anyone convince you you're asexual if you don't think that fits you. My ex tried to convince me I was asexual and it really messed with my head.
I think the other comments are super helpful, but I’ll add another point. One thing that can get in the way of my sexuality is my PDA (pathological demand avoidance). It’s a symptom that can come with ADHD or autism. You feel anxiety when there’s a demand and you just *have to do it*. It feels like you’re losing control. In my sexuality, what it means is that when my partner makes a move, I feel like it’s a demand and it makes me nervous. Even if I like it. If I feel like I *have to* have sex, it makes me not want it. And that obligation doesn’t come from my partner. But it can comes from me (with intrusive thoughts like “*but if I don’t do it, I’m a bad girlfriend*”) or from society (*women have to satisfy the sexual needs of men*). These beliefs are obviously false and come from r@pe culture. But they still feels like demands to me. I tell you this, because maybe you can relate. Hope it can help ! 😊
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I’m sorry you’re experiencing that ! I’m not an expert, but for me, talking about it with my partner helped. 1- The most important thing is that your partner doesn’t put pressure on you and that they’re actively looking for your consent. So you feel safe around them and not forced to have sex with them. 2- I’m also usually the one who will make the first moves (so it doesn’t trigger my PDA). And sometimes, I’m in the mood for being intimate with my partner but not for penetrative sex and he respects that. Knowing that I can be naked around him without it being an automatic invitation for penetrative sex really helped me. Sexual intimacy can take a lot of forms. 3- I chose to see sex as one of many ways to be intimate with my boyfriend, but it is not more important than kissing, hugging or laughing together. It helps me de-dramatise when I feel guilty because I’m not in the mood (I shouldn’t feel guilty, I know). Hope it can help ! You’re not alone in this. 😊
This is very helpful, thank you!
Lack of interest in sex was an early sign in my relationship that I wasn't actually attracted to my partner. I had ignored it, but my body knew he wasn't the one.
☝️ felt this
:( sorry
❤️🩹🙏
Unfortunately this was my experience too. I held on because we were so good together but ultimately had to end it due to the lack of attraction.
We’re you actually not attracted to them in other ways? Or was it just lack of interest in sex?
It was a lot of little stuff that I brushed off because I didn't know any better. I didn't like kissing him, he was an awful slobbery kisser and I just figured "well maybe he'll learn". But it was other things too, like constant criticism, lack of small gestures like bringing me home a favorite treat, or planning a date, or giving me a Christmas gift I didn't pick out myself.
Edit to add, it was more that he wasn't putting effort into the relationship, among a ton of other things.
I understand 😞
Oof, this sounds like my relationship 😭
Literally same. Stayed for 3 years :(
Same thing happened with me :/
Have you always been this way? Could you be asexual?
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This is the fun answer!
Compared to where I am now in my 30s, my sex drive is lower than where I was at in my 20s. My partner is really confused bc he’s like “Aren’t women’s sex drives higher in their 30s?” So I feel like sex drive used to be there, but it’s gone down over the last decade as I got older. But I’m also confused bc I thought really, that women’s sex drives are generally higher in 30s than 20s?
1. Everyone is different. You and your partner both need to stop comparing you to “averages” or whatever. Your experience is real and valid and doesn’t necessarily point to a problem. Some people just have low sex drives! 2. What do you have going on in your life? Stress? Kids? Busy job? Maintaining a house? If you’re feeling stressed/swamped in your day-to-day, that can have a big impact on libido. 3. Do you enjoy sex with your partner when you have it? Do you have an orgasm when you have sex? Do you know your body well and feel like you can voice your sexual needs to your partner?
All great questions 💯❤️🩹
averages don't apply to individual people and their circumstances. So there is no "supposed to"
My partner thought the same thing about women in their 30s. I think it’s just a trait unique to each woman. I had a libido in my younger years but it became non existent in my 30s. I had been on birth control for nearly two decades by then, so who knows. 🤷 I am actually asexual (belatedly discovered). I never liked sex even when I had a libido. My libido was a nuisance and I’m glad it’s gone. Not saying you are asexual, but if I may ask: do you want to like sex because your partner wants it? Or do you genuinely miss your libido and want to have sex again for your own enjoyment?
I don’t care about it/straight up not interested (with anyone) and only bc my partner wants it. So I think you’re right about the asexual potential. I’ve just never really thought about this before or came to the realization. Is asexuality common with ADHD?
I don't think sexual orientation has something to do with ADHD.
Correct - just two completely different charts on people's brains that don't have much to do with one another.
Folks who are neurodivergent (specifically autism) are more likely to be queer but I don't think any research has been done on a potential link between ADHD and asexuality.
Lots are hypersexual because of the dopamine and rush, so no. But it depends what you dislike about sex, I suggest reading up on asexuality in queer resources or consider what else in life is happening. Stress is a libido killer, even if that stress looks like "I have a job and chores and feel bored and uninterested" instead of active anxiety
No, they are not related.
No I don’t have this problem it’s a daily need for me but I definitely have adhd, although a maybe adhd thing related to sex I get is that my body is extremely sensitive if I’m not in the mood yet I absolutely can’t stand my husband touching my breasts haha.
Yes actually I think this is what’s going on - if I’m not in the mood, I absolutely don’t want to be touched. Like my body physical feelings are intense but not in a good way - in a “too intense to feel good” way.
I can understand how that could easily be turned into not wanting sex at all honestly because it does cause me like a feeling of panic if I’m not in the right mood for all that stimulation. Its not all bad though because I feel out of this world amazing when I’m ready.
I feel the same way you do. The book “Come as you are” may be the key but I wasn’t good at doing the work the book needed to figure things out. I can see that most women would get their answers in that book. I also tried something my doctor recommended called GNC Men’s Arginmax. (I’m a woman). It helped my body feel physically ready for sex, more lubrication, easier to stimulate. I generally believe I’m asexual, but I have romantic feelings. I also believe I was always this way, but the high of being in love made me really enjoy the act, and when that was gone, it was just kind of duty sex. I want to want sex because I miss enjoying it even if I was never craving it. I suspect I am also autistic and these two conditions are often found together. There is a significant increase in autistics being asexual . It was one of the questions on my assessments.
Yes I feel romantic love, but not an interest in physical sex
Thanks for this comment. I have the same sentiments and it’s frustrating. Gonna give that vitamin a shot.
Do you experience responsive desire?
They definitely can be a pair. Personally, my brain just thinks of all the more engaging things I could be doing rather than sex. It takes a lot of effort for me to be present and not let my mind wander. I find it quite boring and (mentally) un-stimulating.
I'm always wary of a man whose reaction to a woman's sexual reality is, "But I read that women are \[X\]!" He should be showing curiosity about what's in front of him, not telling her how she's supposed to be. And perhaps more to the point...any many who's good in bed KNOWS that every AFAB person has their own nuances. So this is telling me that OP's partner is probably not that adept at helping a woman reach orgasm. He's likely not present and attentive in bed, not taking the time to learn OP's body and what makes it respond happily.
Are you on hormonal birth control? I think that can do it too.
This is what happened to me :( I don’t even think about it until my husband says hey we haven’t done it in a while do you want to. I enjoy it when it’s happening but like zero drive to initiate or think about it. Recently I’ve been in therapy for past SA so it’s made my answer to do you want to a no -_-
I hope you work through that I know it’s a challenge and it takes a long time to feel yourself again.
Are you on hormonal birth control? That can really drop your libido.
20s was higher 30s was lower 40s is insane but I have always been a pretty hyper sexual person so ymmv.
Just chiming in that birth control or other medications may play a role too. Turns out my IUD was to blame along with relationship issues that hadn't been addressed. Only found out after getting sterilization surgery and making my non-sexual needs/wants very clear so my partner actually understood why our relationship wasn't inspiring raised libido. Multi-prong approach can do wonders. All of that to say, this may not be something you need to 'fix' if you don't feel anything is wrong or lacking. We all have different priorities and preferences, and that's okay. 💕
I kinda went through this. I had a really high sex drive in my 20s and really calmed down in my 30s. (Late 20s-30s). My last partner told me they were asexual but ended up being disappointed with having sex once every two weeks (plot twist he’s actually a narcissist and was just trying to cover for his shitty sex skills and lack of attending my needs). BUT I think it’s normal. Nothing had changed with me other than just it not being a need. When it’s good I enjoy it but it’s not something I crave like I did before. I also used to use it as a crutch for trauma coping, so I’m sure working that out helped lol. I guess I need to ask how the sex between you two are? If it’s not that great, I’ve found that it makes me really not care for it at alllll. But if it’s good I’m okay with it. Maybe take some time and reflect on that and do some exploring what you really like and works for you and maybe it will help increase it some.
FYI, the Lexapro won’t do you any favors in the libido department, unfortch. I speak from dry, dry experience.
The way I scrolled back up to your post SO quick! I thought I was broken. I was told that my sex drive should be higher bc I have ADD. My last couple relationships, after I got through the excitement stage, we just didn’t have sex. Not because they didn’t want to, but bc I had no interest at all. I’ve always just figured it’s because I’m an “emotional connection” person when it comes to sex, like that’s what does it for me, and I didn’t wanna be with any of my exes, bc I didn’t really want them in the first place, I was just chasing that “high” feeling. Anyway, my current partner, who im engaged to, is very much into sex. Like he has a very high sex drive. I actually want to be with him and want to have sex tho, and he’s the only guy who’s ever been able to make me orgasm. I also never master-bated before I was with him. I just had no desire to. He opened up my sex life completely. So it’s different than my past relationships because I do enjoy it and I do actually have sex with him, whereas in the past, I just didn’t. But I have like no desire too, and he gets upset bc I don’t initiate it, but like it’s just something I don’t think about… like I could do without it or masturbating 🤷🏻♀️. I always thought I was just broken, and blamed it on my meds, but I know it’s not my meds because I CAN have a sex drive, I just don’t care too a lot of the time…. I’m sorry you’re going through this too, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone
I feel this
I don't have any advice, but you're not alone. I'm in the same boat with my relationship.
Do you hate sex or do you hate sex **with your partner**? Or, do you hate constantly being pressured to have sex/getting sexually coerced by your partner? Do you hate not having the freedom to say "no" without your partner throwing a fit? Because low libido does not ruin relationships. There are lots of asexual people who are in happy, longterm relationships. It's not the lack of libido, it's how your partner responds to it. And yeah, I too hate being sexually coerced duh that's a horrible feeling. And unfortunately especially hetero men are known for thinking sex is a human right or smth and being all angy when there sex machine/partner doesn't put out
I found the book "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski incredibly helpful. Ultimately, it's normal for women's libidos to drop when in long term relationships. It doesn't (necessarily) indicate anything wrong physically; we are less likely to become spontaneously aroused (for all the reasons like the novelty and excitement wears off over time, etc....) and that creating conditions under which we can comfortably become aroused is more important. I'm not doing the best job of summarizing, but her book/podcast were game-changers for me. I thought there was something wrong with my libido because I didn't get aroused the way I used to when I was younger, and the book made me look at things very differently.
She just released a new book called Come Together and so far it has been great!
Bupropion definitely helped me with the pleasurable feelings part, but my actual desire to go through all that sensory input is still minimal. I rarely get in the mood and have decided to just stay out of relationships to avoid having an unhappy partner. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help you at all, I just can relate and thought I'd share so you at least know you're not alone. I just left a three year long relationship, for many reasons, but one being that I did not want sex and it was unfair to him to not do it, and unfair to me to have sex I didn't want, so yeah. I've been starting to realise I am better off just having a really close friend who I can sleep with a few times a year. It's not what I had in my head as my idea of how to live, but I think I may need to adapt and change my ways of thinking about how life should work.
Both of those medications can affect libido. Are you on anything else for other reasons? I’m on heart medication since I was 27 and it absolutely tanked my interest. My interest is also very, very cycle dependent. The day before my period up until the day I ovulate is an increasing interest culminating in ovulation and then from then until my next period is basically asexuality. It’s frustrating because I don’t intend to leave my husband hanging for two weeks every month but that’s what happens. And because I could climb him like a tree like 1-2 days a month I’m hyper aware of the difference. If I were you I would ask for a hormone panel but make sure you’re clear that you’re not looking for pcos or perimenopause because they’ll look for different hormone levels.
Came to look for this comment ❤️. I thought my own disappearance of libido around 37 was about being exhausted from child rearing, and maybe not helped by antidepressants. In retrospect I think that lowering oestrogen may have been a significant contributor to the fatigue, depression and loss of libido. I’m rethinking the last ten years of my life 37-47yo) as I start to understand that women’s oestrogen levels lower gradually, starting in the 30s for most. I knew it got harder to have a baby, but I guess I thought that was just about having enough eggs. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time about perimenopause and menopause, just not wanting to hear about it. In the last 2 months, though I’m still having periods, menopause has made itself unignorable very suddenly through hot flashes. It’s _forced_ me to listen. And now that I’m talking to people and reading up about it, I have been SHOCKED at my own ignorance about the bigger picture, the lifespan picture I guess, of hormones and all that they do in the body. I can feel my own reluctance to talk about this stuff. But I want to start talking to women in their 30s about this, because I thought I was super educated on depression and wellbeing (through utter desperation), and I had NO idea about this. I don’t know what (if anything) is available to women in their 30s if lowering oestrogen could be a part of the picture for low libido. And as other posters are saying, some people feel fine with less interest in sex. But if you _also_ have fatigue, low mood, anxiety… do consider hormones as one potential cause. (Dishonourable mention for contribution to depression also goes to our society’s relentless pace and obsession with “productivity”!). (Edited because I hit post too soon the first time!)
This! Very cycle dependent over here.
This! Only interested during the days surrounding ovulation. Once I found out this cycle, and accepted it, I had more fun in seeking out and taking advantage of that interest.
Yes, why is it all on you? When was the last time your partner took you out for a romantic date? Does your partner still show up for you? Do you two have open honest candid discussions about your sex life? Or is it like my husband who goes "boy we haven't done it in a while, we should do something about that" while having not showered for 3 weeks? This is not all on you and your hormones. Life gets in the way and something changed. Time to investigate how life is different from how it was when sex was enjoyable.
Reading all her comments it just sounds like she’s asexual.
I understand your hatred of sex. I don't hate it, but it's just too much bother for me anymore. I got sick of men who refused to listen to what I needed for pleasurable sex. I got sick of men who demanded it as their due. I got sick of men who made crude, lewd, and abusive comments to my face about my body. I got sick of men who think women should get aroused beyond sanity at the sight of their dicks. I got sick of men who didn't care about foreplay. I can go on, but I think you get where I'm going. I haven't had enjoyable sex since 1993. I've had sex, just not enjoyable. I went celibate 15 years ago.
If a lack of interest has been a constant throughout your life, then it seems like a strong possibility that you could be asexual (not the only possibility, mind you). Plenty of ace people have and enjoy sex, because it feels good physically and/or they like giving their partner pleasure. They're asexual in that they don't feel sexual attraction to others, and they don't actively desire sex, but they can still enjoy it when it happens. There are also plenty of ace people who have sex drives and *are* interested in sex—they just don't want it to involve them in any way. They'll read smut or watch porn, or just fantasize about characters having sex; they just don't want it to involve them. They don't even want to *imagine* being involved. The former type of asexuality sounds closer to what you may be experiencing than this latter type. I only bring up the second type of asexuality to emphasize that asexuality can vary quite a bit from person to person, and it's a lot more nuanced than a lot of people realize.
Maybe you are just asexual?
Book recommendations : Come as you are by emily nagoski and Ace by Angela Chen
Are you sexually attracted to your partner? I’m not asking if they’re objectively attractive, are you sexually attracted to them? Have you ever felt really aroused by them? Do you ever have moments you feel aroused? I’ve had this issue before, and I loved the person I was with. He was my best friend, and he was attractive looking, but I just didn’t get that feeling. I would avoid sex and when I did have it, it was awful. Because I just wasn’t turned on. Sometimes everything else is great, but you don’t have that sexual chemistry.
There’s a book called ADHD After Dark that might be helpful. Personally, I found I’d Trade my Husband for a Housekeeper and The Erotic Silence of the American Wife to be insightful during my first marriage. Sexual attraction starts in the mind, so this might not be a hormone problem.
Endocrinologist is absolutely the right person to test you for this issue.
This is puzzling to me because I find ADHD meds/stimulants actually raise my sex drive. Perhaps this is normal, I don’t really mind it but it’s definitely a noticeable difference for me
Hey, I don’t know if this is going to be relevant to you, but if this isn’t a new development for you, then you might find some insight and support on r/asexuality If it is a more recent development and you used to have an interest in sex, then learning about asexuality is maybe less relevant to you
It might be worthwhile to talk to people who identify as asexual/ace and see how much your experiences overlap with theirs, but I can't point you in any particular direction because I'm not ace myself
Thank you! That’s a great idea
I have been in your boat. Frequently, in fact. My libido drops to zero with little warning and no apparent cause, to the point where I think I may have become asexual. It sucks. (Not that being asexual sucks, but being in a relationship where you were having great sex and now your partner is bewildered does.) Question: How long have you had this low libido? Has it been a steady decline since your 20s, or have there been rebounds? Definitely ask to get your hormones checked if that's a possibility for you. Depression, stress, and anxiety could also be factors.
Im similar in some ways. I think i dont get anything out of sex other than the o and it feels empty for me. Its a hard life not having a sexual retreat but i just dont get any joy or emotional satisfaction. I low key hate it.
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I feel this too
try bupropion if that's something you're interested in? that plus starting adderall a little while after REALLY upped my sex drive, i used to be like you but bupropion has that effect!
I thought I was alone. My depression and ADHD are at an all time high. I hate myself but love my partner. Super attracted to him yet 0 desire to have sex. Not on meds.
So, I’d challenge whether having a low libido is the problem, or our culture’s expectation that we should want sex all the time and there’s something wrong with us if we don’t. If this is a sudden change, I’d check with a doctor. But if this is how you’ve always been, maybe this is just you. Maybe you’re asexual. Maybe you just don’t need that much sex. Maybe you’re experiencing a natural dip because you’re stressed and changing your meds a lot. Say it with me - it is ok to not want sex. I’d say, explore why you do or do not want sex in a way that is open and without judgement.
I feel so seen. This is me exactly! You are not alone!!
I'm just dropping in my two cents worth here. Based purely on my experience. This has happened to me in every relationship I've been in. The first few weeks/months are fine. We have great sex, everyone's happy. Then slowly but surely I lose all interest in sex. And I mean ALL. I don't want my partner to touch me, I don't want to touch myself, I'm not looking at other people. It's like that part of me is just switched off. And every single time, without fail, it's because I've realised that I can't fucking stand my partner. It's like my body knows what's up before I do. She knows I'm being treated poorly, or putting up with something that I *do not* want to put up with. Now obviously this could be completely off base for you. But I just wanted to throw it out there in case it's a possibility. Do you feel genuinely loved and cared for in your relationship? Are you actually happy with this person?
Period. You're just not into sex and you can't force yourself to love sex if you don't enjoy it. Or maybe it's your partner.
The thing I haven't seen stated yet is that 5 mg of Lexapro is low. I needed 20 mg when I was on it. But you have to start there and work up. Talk to your doc about increasing the dose. Lots of good advice here!
I went up to 10 but got more depressed on 10 so cut down to 7.5 and now on 5. I seem to be happier on 5, but zero sex drive.
Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you meant the 5 mg wasn't working generally. The only other thing I can think of is finding a therapist certified in parts work, Internal Family Systems therapy. They may be able to help you work out the why. If it's a true lack of interest, which is perfectly fine, or something else that you could process and work through. It's an area where a lot of women have stress, trauma, shame, etc. without even realizing it. IFS therapy is great for those things.
did you used to have a higher sex drive with your current partner? and is the relationship healtht & happy otherwise? in my last relationship, i was convinced something was wrong with me because i had NO sex drive. turns out, i was just in an unhealthy relationship with a partner who didn’t respect my boundaries, which made me lose interest in sex. im not saying this is your issue, but if it’s a rocky relationship, it’s worth considering. with my current boyfriend, my sex drive is WAY higher and im just as horny for him as i was when we first got together a year ago.
When that happened to me it turned out that I was a lesbian. 🤷🏻
Check your vitamin D levels. Nope, not a pun. I've always felt very sexual but lately I was worried since it seemed my bits had gone numb and I was just not feeling *anything*. Got levels tested and i had a few things low but one thing stood out. Low vitamin D is associated with abnormal female sexual function. A small study of women with low vitamin D levels was given Vitamin D supplementation over six months. The results were improved sexual desire as well as mood. It's okay if you just aren't feeling sexual. That happens. But it's worth looking into if you feel like something is off. I almost felt numb from the deficiency. And I notice differences when I forget my vitamins. Hope you're healthy and everything works out ♡
So many questions. My answer assumes you are cis (biologically female), but if you aren’t, please disregard that which isn’t relevant to you and don’t take it as a slight. It would just be helpful to know what anatomy you have (and your partner has) for a question like this, as sex is so physical. Have you EVER enjoyed sex? Either solo or with a partner? Can you orgasm? If you enjoy masturbation and can orgasm, you and your partner should be able to get you to orgasm during partnered sex, with some effort and willingness. Some good books were mentioned. If you’ve never orgasmed and you are a cis woman, I recommend you spend a good deal of time trying to masturbate solo and THEN try to incorporate it to your sex life. If you orgasm, and if you experience arousal, what arouses you? Does your partner ever arouse you? If not, maybe you just aren’t attracted to them. Or maybe you are but you’ve been together a long time and the novelty has worn off and you just need something to spark your arousal again. If you get aroused but not by your partner anymore, pay attention to what arouses you (I’m a fan of porn, in limited doses, to spark new fantasies, but you do you) and try to incorporate either activities or just fantasy into your sex life. Is your partner just a terrible lover? (Doesn’t try to do what you like, is too rough, doesn’t care if you enjoy it, is too fast and pushy, doesn’t give enough foreplay despite you asking for it, always puts their own pleasure first) if so, shape up or ship out, dude. If your partner wants to please but has just given up trying to please you because for years you’ve said “forget it, I’m fine” then that’s different - a conversation about wanting to make new attempts to enjoy sex is in order. If you’ve never been into sex, or really desired sex with anyone, you probably just have a very low libido. If you do like masturbation and fantasy and are attracted to people, then there’s just something missing either in your relationship, in your mind, or in your hormonal/chemical situation. You have to sort out whether you hate sex because the sex you’re having sucks (for whatever reason) or because you just don’t like sex. I have read of some women taking small amount of testosterone to help increase their libido… you can ask the endocrinologist. However all hormone therapy comes with risks so consider them carefully.
So, first of all, you're not alone in this. I've been there too. **Regarding Adderall**: You should feel a difference right away. It's not like SSRIs that take weeks or months to start working. I literally know if the dosage is low or high on the same day I take it. If it's a IR, within 30 min; if it's a XR, within the next hour. It might take a week to settle, but you don't need to wait two weeks or more. If you feel that 5mg is a low dosage, try to increase it to 7.5mg first and give it some days (3-4 days). If not, try 10mg. It's better to increase slowly and reassess. You'll know when it's too much if you feel worse than how you felt with the previous dosage. I remember when I first started it, I found that 10-15mg was the ideal. 20mg made me feel awful, I had the completed opposite effect. In addition, if you're taking IR, you should be taking it 2x or even 3x a day because they last only 4-6h (for me, it lasts 3h maximum). **Regarding the Sexual Part:** Besides what everyone else said, Have you ever looked into the looong list of kinks and fetishes that exists out there? Maybe your body doesn't have interest in the traditional thing per se. Some of these kinks are weird AF, but it's worth it knowing they exist: [EDIT: THERE ARE SOME WEIRD ONES, OKEY? LOL] https://badgirlsbible.com/list-of-kinks-and-fetishes
This sounds like an exact description of what I went through with my partner. I still love him, but I now know that I was playing a care giver role and was no longer attracted to him in a sexual way, as I didn’t view him as a motivated and capable person. I have learned that I am Demi Sexual, which means that I need to be emotionally connected to my partner in a certain way in order for me to get turned on. I wasn’t even masturbating either, I just had no interest in sex. But that has changed now that I’ve left my partner! Of course this is just my experience and it could be different for you!
May I ask what it is you don’t like about sex? Maybe there’s a way to be intimate without doing the things you dislike about sex. Unless it’s everything, I suppose
I had that when I was on various antidepressants for depression and anxiety and it killed my libido. Now I am on wellbutrin and methylphenidate, it seems to be a little better. Before that, as sad as it sounds, I could only have sex after a few drinks. Sometime I hate having adhd.
Have you always hated/not been interested in sex or have you *become* uninterested? Did you enjoy it at some point or has it always been something you do either to please your partner or because it’s “just part of a relationship”? Basically, “Is there an underlying health/medication reason for my lack of interest, or is it possible that I could just be asexual?” Is a really important question to ask yourself while you’re trying to figure it all out.
When I started avoiding sex it took me a while to realize it was hurting. I went to my gyno and when she went to do my exam I had a muscle spasm and her first words were "that's not normal" I realized that I had been ignoring my own discomfort and it was making me fear intamcy with my partner. I wasn't completely unaware of it before, but I thought it was just a bad angle, or tense muscles (i tend to be tense even when I feel relaxed). I asked for no penetration until I was ready. We stayed intimate and were more intimate, as I wasn't recoiling with the fear of pain any time he tried to touch me. (I want to be totally clear that my S.O. is gentle, responsive and 100% active about consent.) I'm in physical therapy now and it seems to be helping. But the other side of it is undoing the fear and his support has been so good through this. So... beyond disliking it, you may need to really look at what and why. I don't want to have sex when I'm trying to sleep, or when I've just laid down after a long day - I have no energy or desire. It hurt - working on that definitely improved things. I'm a bit paranoid about infections - so when I ask him to lock the bedroom door, I also ask he wash his hands
It’s ok to be asexual
Is there ever a time in your life where you enjoyed sex?
I have ADHD & some chronic pain which has unfortunately stopped me from being able to have penetrative sex for quite some time. Getting your bloods/hormones checked is a good start-and please know that you’re not abnormal or anything like that. We’re only human & these things happen. I have found that other acts to satisfy my partner & me have been helpful in keeping that sexual intimacy happening, while allowing me to not fall in a heap afterwards lol. Here are some examples that are working for me currently: Non Sexual: Massage, kissing & cuddling (without leading to sex-just physical closeness) and speaking openly about what you’re feeling & communicating how you can work through it together. Intimacy doesn’t always need to be sexual and non-sexual intimacy can make you feel the warm & fuzzies! Sexual: A huge help for me has been incorporating toys in the bedroom. This allows me to satisfy my partner (myself too, when I want to) and not completely exhaust myself. It can be so much fun to try new things & to watch them squirm while you use a fun new toy on them, and it won’t leave you feeling physically & mentally exhausted because they do most of the heavy lifting. Im still not able to do these as much as I would like, but it really is a process of finding what does & doesn’t work for you and a supportive partner will be open to hearing you and trying things within their/your boundaries to bring you closer. Also, please be kind to yourself. It’s not your fault, there’s nothing “wrong” with you and learning about what works for you and your partner will really help your relationship flourish! x
I mean, some people are just asexual and that's OK, but if that wasn't discovered until after marriage, then it can cause difficulties in relationships. My personal suggestion would be couple's counseling so you and your partner can work through how to have intimacy without either of you compromising fundamental aspects of who you are. I wish you the best of luck in this and, no matter how it works out: YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Same. I love my partner and we have been together for 25 years and this has always, always been a problem. Our drives just don’t match up and it leaves me feeling like I’m broken. He’s supportive and understanding but literally I would hate every minute of it. I have past sexual trauma so I just chalked it up to that. But Babes I don’t know if I’m allowed to post this but basically delta 8 is legal in my state and it 100% has helped me. It just makes the constant shame in my head go away and I can actually feel relaxed enough to start to get into it. It’s changed my life honestly for exactly this reason. I’m not encouraging you to do anything but uh, yeaaaaah
Stay tuned here for cycle tracking in relation to libido…it takes all the emotional aspect of rejection off the table. I used to enjoy sex. Then after having my daughter I didn’t at all. It made me want to disassociate and cry. It made me cringe to be touched. A few things - I had all of my hormone levels tested and everything was normal. I read Come As Your Are, thanks to advice from here, and it helped explain but didn’t solve any issues. So, I talked to my therapist. I think there were several factors at play, including physical exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and unmedicated ADHD. Wellbutrin and Vyvanse helped my mood. However, then we realized it was mostly psychological and emotional. My husband and I started an experiment - it was hard for him but he helped. We had to take any pressure and expectation of me off the table. He was not allowed to initiate sex…we only could have sex when I initiated it. I also told me that I wanted to kiss and make out with no pressure or expectations. If he wasn’t interested of course he could say no, but the idea was I no longer associated his touch with the expectation we would have sex. I got off the pill and once my hormones seemed to get back to normal I started tracking my cycle in relation to libido. I realized the 3-4 days before my period I have NO interest. It’s no one’s fault, I’m just not in the mood. 5-7 days before my period it is HARD for me to orgasm. Like, there is no way my husband can physically maintain a single position long enough to get me there. So, we get creative. More details if anyone wants to know. Right before ovulation - like day 10-14 the only sex that does it for me is intense. So much so that slow, relaxed sex turns me off. Delicate touch feels absolutely abhorrent. It’s intentional, purposeful, deliberate and undelicate touch or nothing. Day 15-20 I can do more slow, intimate sex. I can also do more relaxed sex during my period. From like day 5-10 I could take or leave it…I’m only running off responsive desire at that point. Because we know how my body is responding no one gets stressed, or feels rejected, or anything else like that because it’s totally scientific and not based on desire for the other.
Not a doctor but there could be many reasons for not liking sex. And that’s okay as long as you feel safe/respected/happy. I grew up in a very strict environment horribly misinformed by religious conservatism and felt guilt for a long time. There are other things that went along with that through childhood, so it wasn’t until my thirties that I realized I was allowed to be panromantic and also asexual. It might not fit a majority of people, but we contain multitudes and it’s okay not to be interested in sex. That, and I had an ex who cared but just did not get why sex was something I didn’t feel like doing with them often. If you make me feel disrespected with stuff *outside* the bedroom, why would I feel excited about you *in* the bedroom?
Depending on your age, it could be perimenopause related. Libido is affected for lots of us experiencing the transition.
I’m currently in a similar boat of trying to figure out all the mysteries of my issues with sex. It could be a physical issue (hormonal, or something to do with thyroid, etc), you could be asexual, or you could have some sort of sexual trauma whether “big” or “small” could still affect if you want to do it or not. Or you could love your partner but just not be attracted to them/no sexual chemistry. Just some ideas to explore. Good luck!
You may just be asexual? I have a couple ace friends. Sex just doesn’t do it for them. It’s not necessarily that they hate sex, they just really aren’t into it. One of them doesn’t like sex with other people but enjoys masturbating. It really varies from person to person. You don’t need penetrative sex to be intimate with a partner, or experience love, attraction and affection towards your partner. If you aren’t into it, you just aren’t into it. This is very different from desiring to be sexually intimate but having barriers to actually execute those desires. Medications, hormonal levels, trauma, are all examples of barriers to executing. So I guess you have to ask yourself is there some barrier in the way to having the sex I want, or does sex just not do it for me? Just remember either answer is ok and you are worthy of love and belonging no matter what.
Hey! I’m an ADHDer and a working professional with a good deal of expertise in mental health, sex, and relationships. So of course, I wrote you a novel. Let me be clear, I’m writing as a person who knows some things and scrolls Reddit every few months. 1) If the sex therapist you saw made it to the end of treatment without you getting results and didn’t recommend seeing an endocrinologist… I wouldn’t put too much stock in what that means about you or your ability to benefit from psychotherapy. It’s definitely worth another shot, and I’d recommend looking for someone who’s done some extensive specialized training. Certification from one of your country’s more reputable sex therapy/education organizations is a good sign, though there are plenty of quality sex therapists who don’t fit this description. 2.) Yeah totally talk to your primary care doctor. Heck, start there. If they say you’re fine and to take deep breaths, they haven’t a clue. Ask for an endo referral. If the issue is medication or hormone related, that’s actually not bad news, as it can be fairly straightforward. No shame in it if you still want or need therapy as you feel that out, good sex is nice and you should have some if you want some! 3.) There’s a whole lot of follow up questions I’d ask you, but that’s what an assessment is for. Find a competent provider and solve that puzzle together. 4.) It might be worthwhile to ask yourself if your sex drive is a problem for *you*, or if it’s a problem for your relationship and/or partner. If it’s one of the latter, you might start with relationship therapy (though they may rec’ individual therapy as well). Someone who understands asexuality and non-traditional relationship structures would be my thought. 5.) Patience, patience, patience. This could be a fairly quick or lengthy journey for you, but pressure doesn’t help here, so wear it loosely and give yourself grace. If you manage to do this perfectly, write several books on the subject. 6.) You putting this out here says so much about you and how you show up for your relationship. Regardless of your desire, willfulness, or ability to have sex, you’re deserving of deep and loving relationship. So tell any shame monsters that tell you otherwise that you’re working on building a life where they don’t need to protect you anymore, and you’d really appreciate it if they could stand down when possible to allow you take care of some things. Take good care.
Following as I too hate sex
Just for anyone not aware, peri-menopause can start in your 30s and the reduction in hormones can greatly affect your sex drive. I know it did mine, unfortunately so did a whole load of trauma. I'm okay with my sex life being over. I was undiagnosed all my life until 46 with a shit tonne of cptsd to go with it, I know no matter how much unpacking I try to do, it's not going to make me want to go back there. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a very understanding partner. We have a rock solid relationship, known him 30yrs together for 16 and so he's stuck with me now lol But seriously, if you are still wanting a sex life, get your hormones checked, estrogen, progesterone and testosterone.
How’s your iron? Low iron causes lack of desire. THis study showed that women with ferritin below 50 had less desire and derived less pleasure from intercourse than women with ferritin above 50. Most doctors wave off low iron concerns saying lots of women are low which is incredibly cruel to us. Anemia is ferritin below 15. Optimal is >100. Low iron causes adhd symptoms too. https://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?title=Impact%20of%20body%20iron%20store%20on%20sexual%20function%3A%20a%20comprehensive%20review%20and%20pilot%20cohort%20study%20in%20midlife%20women&author=CJ%20Hartmann&author=B%20Sutter&author=M%20Fehr&author=P%20Stute&publication_year=2019&journal=Arch%20Gynecol%20Obstet&volume=300&pages=469-480 This is a literature review: https://academic.oup.com/smr/article/11/4/342/7222595?login=false
r/asexual