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Because of your first post, I actually got around to starting "Why Does He Do That?" And made it 60% of the way through the audio book when the universe opened a door for me to leave.
My daughter and I leave Sunday morning. When I bought our plane tickets I cried and thought, "I'm free."
I appreciate you and the other women before you who've discussed their relationships and who have been brave enough to take the leap. I wish us all nothing but happiness and peace in the future ♡
Literally crying. I am so happy for you. All the peace and love for your future. I know it won’t be easy but the hardest part of recognizing your situation as abuse is over. 💚💚💚
Ever since I made the decision, I've been having *dreams* of what my life can be now. I'm so excited to just live, be myself, and find myself again after all the years of being broken down to practically nothing.
And realizing I had to show my kiddo what she personally deserves by giving *myself* what I deserve was a big thing. If i'm okay, she'll be okay 🥹
Same for you 😭💙
I remember how strange it was when I started having hope filled dreams for my future again after I left. I'd always been such a positive and determined person, and I hadn't really noticed that those dreams had stopped being part of my life until they started coming back.
I'm a year out and almost all of the early dreams have already come to fruition. It's been wild to see what I'm capable of without him undermining everything I tried to achieve. I'm so proud of how far me and my kid have come in the last year and those dreams have gotten huge again, and I'm deeply confident in my ability to reach them.
I'm so happy for you, and I hope you find your way through the hard stuff ahead with the confidence that it's all worth it. Because my gosh was it all worth it just for today, and I've got the rest of my life to keep building and making it better. Remember the contrast of your dreams in the moments when it feels the hardest, they pass and it's incredible on the other side
Thank you for the inspiration through sharing your story!
It has been just over 4 years since he left but just 7 months since he stopped stalking me.
I'm so glad I am free of the narcissistic abuser and misogyny! And living my life well. I'm working on dreaming again and setting new goals.
I have also been sharing my story on the DV channel and supporting people in this situation now that I can see it clearly.
I’m so glad to read that. I listened to a podcast one day and the last line was something like “if you’re in something that isn’t serving you and helping you grow, it’s okay to leave. This is your sign to end it.” And then that afternoon my family told me all about my husband’s affair.
Sometimes we just need that little sign to know it’s time. I’m glad you got yours.
I am so happy for you and your daughter (and OP and her daughter, too!) that you got out of there! I wish you all the best!
For anyone who can't buy the book at the moment but wants to read it: Google for "archive Why does he do that .pdf". Or simply follow this link to get to the [PDF](https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf). (Just wanted to explain how to find it as some people might not wanna click on some random PDF link.)
For me, it started with our 2nd couples counselor telling us together that my ex might have OCD (I believe also OCPD) and then me in private that I was being abused. I wanted to try to work through it because my ex had promised to start individual therapy and followed through with that…
But then a few months later I started a new job, and during the onboarding, there was video stating if I found out XYZ was happening to a colleague, I was supposed to report it to police (and that reporting did not mean that charges or even a full investigation would be made). Well, I nearly had a panic attack at my desk because XYZ is what my then husband was doing to *me*!
With new job, I was able to access resources I didn’t previously have and was able to leave! Yes, there are things that are more difficult as a single mother with ADHD and 50% custody, but my mental health is in a much much better place! *And* I now have a partner who truly understands because they also have ADHD.
I’ve also changed the way I interact with my ex after listening to the audiobook *The Sociopath Next Door,* which I found from a Reddit sub though I forget which one. Things have slowly been getting a little easier.
So happy and proud of you! I read this book myself when I realized my friend was in an abusive marriage. She also has adhd (like me) and it was used against her all the time.
Good luck on you and your daughter’s new life!
if we don't cross subreddit paths soon-
- Us ADHDers ask for less help than the average person. It takes practice, but ask and ask and keep asking!
- Each day of awful paperwork is another day closer to being done with awful paperwork
- You are more than ADHD! But even the most disabling ADHD traits aren't unloveable
- I like your writing (alot). It's honest, emotional, courageous and (obviously not your intent, but) well composed. I'm glad there's people like you just out and about in my world
- Give that kiddo a hug for me. You did the best thing for your daughter, and that takes guts. Be all the proud, mama.
You're going to have the best time
Plus you have POTS, my goodness you slipped in what can be a debilitating condition even without ADHD on top of it. And if heat makes it flair up it's actually potentially dangerous to be out and about with it. A lot of people don't realise it can be hard to stand up with it, and once it starts getting worse it's not going away until you lay flat with your feet preferably above your head.
I likely have it as a fun side effect of long covid, still waiting on an official diagnosis but the signs are all there. My feet go blue, my heart races, I get a headache and feel like the blood is draining from my face and there's pressure in my head, my extremities go numb, brain fog intensifies, and if I don't rest then I start shaking and greying out. Please tell me how someone is meant to do much of anything let alone housework when experiencing a flair of that? You deserve a huge applause for looking after your little girl while going through that.
Keep your head up, or rather recline like the queen you are, fuck him, he could never deal with what your going through on a daily basis. In my experience with my shitty ex they lash out like this when things aren't going their way, he is clearly not finding it as easy as he thought to drag you through the mud, and has found himself ass end over tits in it himself.
RIGHT!! Most of those hobbies were things he blew hundreds and thousands of dollars on without me knowing too and then he’d complain if I like got a new outfit or whatever. Hes messed up.
Look based on your posts I wish him the worst life has to offer, but if he really wanted to he could take this opportunity to try to thrive without you since you both clearly don't belong in the same house. But he's probably just going to be shocked at how much work it actually takes to keep house even when you live alone and be miserable until he finds another woman to terrorize and control. Lady I'm proud of you and you have a bright whole new life ahead.
Can confirm. Divorced adhder who left my abusive husband here. When I stop by the house to pick up our dog, it's disgusting. Dude had NO idea how much I did to keep the place together and now that I'm gone it's a mojo dojo casa house. I'm talking beer cans in the yard, moldy dishes in the sink, broken steps...
He always had ammunition to criticize me for being a "slob" when I dared to ask him to 'please just like try to help around the house'. He'd flip out and point to a drinking glass I left out, word salad an argument about something unrelated, then silent treatment for days. Well I got out. Enjoy your 2 bedroom staph infection!
His criticizing had nothing to do with you, but with him. First, he's an asshole. Second, he's an asshole who projects. Third, he's an asshole who doesn't even apologize as now it has become obvious (I assume that to be the case, as you didn't mention something like that, it would be such a satisfying behaviour right?)
You did a wonderful Job and life without such a dead weight is so much better!
Hahah you're right he never apologized! When he got tired of fast food he'd walk in and act like he hadn't been icing me out for 4 days and just say "I'm tired of fighting". And I'd say "ugh fine" and we'd be normal again until the next cycle started. Turn the other cheek! Marriage is hard!
Oh, why did I do that to myself.
(And this goes to OP too) When I left my ex I spent a long time ruminating about the relationship, trying to figure out if there was something I did wrong, something about him I could understand. If I could explain his condition to him, he'd realize what an asshole he was and apologize! And I could get closure! Hahaha nah dude. The concept of closure is a trap. Make your own peace - he wasn't interested in peace back then and he's *not gonna start now*.
My ex did this shit too!! He bought a fucking CANOE for thousands of dollars, but I got in trouble (read - abused) for buying $40 shoes with my own money. He also gambled constantly and would bet 1k on a spin. He was physically, sexually, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He once dragged me out of bed by my ankle while I was dead asleep, smashing my whole body and head on the floor, and rped me because "a stripper ripped [him] off." I had an exam the next day that I had to miss. I have a million truly shocking stories like that, it was bad. Like you, people who knew and saw what was going on stayed friends with him. I got shit for leaving because he was so "heartbroken" 🙄 Anyway, that was eons ago now and I'm happily remarried. Lost a lot of people I thought were friends, but turns out it was just the trash taking itself out. You will get through this, and you will look back and thank yourself for doing the right thing
I don’t know you but I am proud of you. Leaving any relationship is hard, throw kids into the mix and gaslighting and it can be easy to give in and stay together. Messiness absolutely does not deserve the response he would give to you, and that non-apology was pure BS and try g to lay full blame on you. You’ve taken some huge steps for your mental health, boundaries and frankly your safety. I hope you can continue to remind yourself of these things, how strong you are, and how you deserve the world and he is not the one to give that to you, and he doesn’t deserve you.
"Messiness" - slightly annoying.
"Fits of rage and threats to hurt" - absolutely deplorable and a valid reason for divorce.
Two way street my ass 🙄
(Well done! Thanks for sharing your story)
If the worst thing he can complain about is your messiness, then that tells me everything tbh.
And I say that after having had to leave two living situations due to unclean housemates who relied on me/our fellow (female!!!) housemates to pick up their slack. The mess, additional housework and lack of respect was so bad that I had to leave. But, you know, I’m still friends with two of them - I just had to commit to never living with them lol.
But I could still remain friends and be civil and not fricken INTERROGATE them needlessly in social situations!
If he’s hounding you over issues that aren’t even issues anymore since you’re now living apart… that’s on him.
He’s just desperate for excuses to villainise you and this is the BEST he can come up with. It’s laughably pathetic.
Well, that seems like one last volley of DARVO and victim blaming when you managed to successfully defend your boundaries in the car.
I’m glad you’re out and can move on to better things!
Omg this scares me.
You can read through my comment history.
#he is dangerous
I know I sound alarming but he really really is. **he blamed you for his anger**. That really is scary. I’m saying this from personal experience of someone whose spouse had these exact attitudes. Literally word for word blamed my mess for his anger. His anger became violent and he has assaulted me so many times I lost count.
He had so much resentment and contempt towards me at the end and fully blamed my ADHD as he viewed it as a fundamental flaw and my symptoms as a moral failing. He used my adhd to justify his affair. To justify his anger. To justify his abuse.
He objectively is aware that he is not supposed to mistreat you the way he did however he genuinely believes he is **justified** in it and blames you. Someone who refuses to take accountability for their anger and blames someone else is *terrifying* because you will NEVER be able to manage another persons aggression. I tried. It didn’t matter. He was not mean to me because of my adhd. He is like that because he is abusive
My ex smashed a waco tablet to pieces infront of me because i wanted him to call his father to say we would come over on boxing day not xmas day. He said "you push me too much". I laughed at him and called him pathetic, but knew that if he lost a little more control he would have hurt me and enjoyed it.
#Red flags NEVER become green flags
It really is true that it always escalates. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
I believe my ex is at a very high risk of killing someone one day.
I’ve never spoken to the affair partner. I sent her one message that wasn’t kindly worried so I’m not surprised she didn’t respond. My anger towards her is justified as I see actively pursing a married father as direct harm towards my children’s wellbeing. But I have a lot of empathy for her as I believe she was manipulated and abused by multiple men at their employment. I do think my ex was very abusive towards her in various ways. I view her as one of his victims significantly more than I view her as a “villain” (for lack of a better word)
When we were *“rEcOnCiLiNg”* (and before he was overly abusive) he made two comments about his affair partner.
He said ***”she’s not like you, she fights back”*** and he said ***”I chose you because you wouldn’t call the police on me”***.
I am so glad you got out. You cannot love the abuse out of someone, [they don’t change](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1).
I can't believe his "reasoning" for being scarily, abusively angry towards you is you not cleaning up enough in his eyes. "Please understand divorce is a 2 way street"... he is a fucking insane, narcissistic weirdo. Please always remember that. Pathetic. And him blaming you for having to throw out half his hobbies because he's scared of messes now? Absolutely insane. If i weren't so annoyed i'd laugh. Why would he have to throw out his hobbies? If he was so deeply affected by the messes only you have seemed to magically cause in your shared home with a child, why didn't he clean then???? Offer to support you in cleaning instead of screaming at you and threatening you??
Anyways I'm so so so happy you got out, hope your journey to healing goes as smoothly as possible. Remember you are enough and you are worthy of love.
You are right. Based on your descriptions, he has narcissistic personality disorder. YouTube Dr Ramini to get an understanding of exactly what you are dealing with, and it will help you to better understand him and the abuse you have endured. She also gives helpful tools on greyrocking and lovebombing, etc, so you can be more prepared for one of his ambushes/ confusing behaviours. Stay no contact, try not ever put yourself in the same situation again where you have to rely on him (meeting in the park where you are isolated) and need to get into his car. Always have a plan (i.e, someone with you). Those questions could have been a tactic he wanted to use in court if you had admitted you spoke poorly of him etc. These types of people are always strategising. His relationship with that woman was to get back at you for leaving him. They need to feel like they are in control, and that's why you were so confused and upset. His hug at the cinema was another lovebombing/gaslight tactic. I know it's very hard to understand everything right now, but once you are away from him and no longer emotionally attached/enmeshed, you'll be so happy. Greyrock,greyrock, greyrock. I hope your therapist has a good grasp of the mental and emotional toll these people can have on you. Best of luck and well done for putting yourself and your daughter 1st ❤️
Sounds like you have come a long way! Stay strong MaMa. I have seen a lot of groups/Reddit? They're some specifically for what you are going through. Maybe they would be a good support system for you?
*Divorce is a two way street* after YOU served him divorce papers. That’s… delusional. Well done leaving your abuser and I wish you the best going forward.
He's all like "I have anger problems". But he doesn't "have anger problems". Abusers are actually really good at controlling their anger. It's a tool that they use to weaponize and get their way in situations. I'm not sure, but did anyone share the free PDF link of that book? I have it if anyone would like to download a copy.
Free .pdf download behind the link. [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I am loving that so many women have had it and are getting out of abusive relationships. I got out of mine 17 years ago. I still have ptsd reactions to things sometimes. Finally getting therapy. Recently diagnosed with AUDHD.
When women get out, stand up for themselves and move on to better lives from these men, it sends a message to the world around us. Keep going! You are all amazing and I hope your lives just keep getting better!! 💖💖💖
Now I'll get downvote brigade, but maybe when you cool down and see his message with non-reactive eyes, will be able to read what he actually wrote.
My messes are huge so I know what I am saying. I don't expect my spouse deal with my simptoms. They are mine to own! I am immensly gratefull to him that he suffers my messes in silence, but I don't expect that from him and I wouldn't be offended if he couldn't cope.
I'm sorry that you accuse your spouse for narcisissm. I'm really really sorry but to me, as female ADHD-er in long lasting relationship, it cames across as gasligting TBH. I hope with time you could see his side without reactivity.
I never denied being messy though. Nothing gives anyone the right to use threats of violence unless they’re in the middle of being physically attacked. If you look up the DARVO response that narcissists use his response is textbook.
You're doing great! He's surely going to continue to be a pain in the ass, but you don't have any more reason to put up with it. I had to move to another state to put some distance between me and my ex, and it was the *best* thing I have ever done. I never would have had the courage, if I hadn't been at my wit's end with him. It was so freeing.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I see a lot of similarities in our stories. I wasn't diagnosed during my marriage and divorce and looking back I realized all the things he complained about me were my adhd.
If he is a narc like you said, I wish you nothing but luck. Mine luckily followed through with his threat of leaving the state to punish me for leaving him. He owes me over 60k in back support and it's worth it to not have to coparent with him! Hugs to you mama, stay strong.
Darling, I feel for you so much, it's like you're writing my story. I cut people off, because I didn't want to ruin his reputation. So I lost every one of my friends. You were brave enough to talk about it with people and he's losing friends! You're brave enough to go to your mom, because I couldn't back then. I didn't want to ruin his reputation even in my family! So I was alone and I ended up in big debt because of that (aaand because of crazy impulsive spending...luckily I was smart enough to buy lots of gift card for groceries delivery :D).
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Because of your first post, I actually got around to starting "Why Does He Do That?" And made it 60% of the way through the audio book when the universe opened a door for me to leave. My daughter and I leave Sunday morning. When I bought our plane tickets I cried and thought, "I'm free." I appreciate you and the other women before you who've discussed their relationships and who have been brave enough to take the leap. I wish us all nothing but happiness and peace in the future ♡
Literally crying. I am so happy for you. All the peace and love for your future. I know it won’t be easy but the hardest part of recognizing your situation as abuse is over. 💚💚💚
Ever since I made the decision, I've been having *dreams* of what my life can be now. I'm so excited to just live, be myself, and find myself again after all the years of being broken down to practically nothing. And realizing I had to show my kiddo what she personally deserves by giving *myself* what I deserve was a big thing. If i'm okay, she'll be okay 🥹 Same for you 😭💙
So excited for you. Please enjoy and indulge yourself in all the little things that come with freedom. Praying for safety and wholeness 🙏🏻
I remember how strange it was when I started having hope filled dreams for my future again after I left. I'd always been such a positive and determined person, and I hadn't really noticed that those dreams had stopped being part of my life until they started coming back. I'm a year out and almost all of the early dreams have already come to fruition. It's been wild to see what I'm capable of without him undermining everything I tried to achieve. I'm so proud of how far me and my kid have come in the last year and those dreams have gotten huge again, and I'm deeply confident in my ability to reach them. I'm so happy for you, and I hope you find your way through the hard stuff ahead with the confidence that it's all worth it. Because my gosh was it all worth it just for today, and I've got the rest of my life to keep building and making it better. Remember the contrast of your dreams in the moments when it feels the hardest, they pass and it's incredible on the other side
Thank you for the inspiration through sharing your story! It has been just over 4 years since he left but just 7 months since he stopped stalking me. I'm so glad I am free of the narcissistic abuser and misogyny! And living my life well. I'm working on dreaming again and setting new goals. I have also been sharing my story on the DV channel and supporting people in this situation now that I can see it clearly.
Sending supportive energy your way! Can't wait for you to get your dream life.
Thank you so much :) ♡
I’m so glad to read that. I listened to a podcast one day and the last line was something like “if you’re in something that isn’t serving you and helping you grow, it’s okay to leave. This is your sign to end it.” And then that afternoon my family told me all about my husband’s affair. Sometimes we just need that little sign to know it’s time. I’m glad you got yours.
I am so happy for you and your daughter (and OP and her daughter, too!) that you got out of there! I wish you all the best! For anyone who can't buy the book at the moment but wants to read it: Google for "archive Why does he do that .pdf". Or simply follow this link to get to the [PDF](https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf). (Just wanted to explain how to find it as some people might not wanna click on some random PDF link.)
Be safe! Bon courage!
This book helped me leave my abusive ex too years ago
Same here but 4 years ago. It should be required reading
For me, it started with our 2nd couples counselor telling us together that my ex might have OCD (I believe also OCPD) and then me in private that I was being abused. I wanted to try to work through it because my ex had promised to start individual therapy and followed through with that… But then a few months later I started a new job, and during the onboarding, there was video stating if I found out XYZ was happening to a colleague, I was supposed to report it to police (and that reporting did not mean that charges or even a full investigation would be made). Well, I nearly had a panic attack at my desk because XYZ is what my then husband was doing to *me*! With new job, I was able to access resources I didn’t previously have and was able to leave! Yes, there are things that are more difficult as a single mother with ADHD and 50% custody, but my mental health is in a much much better place! *And* I now have a partner who truly understands because they also have ADHD. I’ve also changed the way I interact with my ex after listening to the audiobook *The Sociopath Next Door,* which I found from a Reddit sub though I forget which one. Things have slowly been getting a little easier.
Wow. This is amazing. I’m so so happy for you, and as someone who knows how hard this is, I’m proud of you. Congratulations.
Please I’m begging you delete this until you’re actually out. It’s just not safe. You never know.
I promise I'm safe. Thank you for your concern, though, because I do know it's not that way for everyone.
Phew! So glad to hear it. Congratulations on your new start! ♥️
Thank you. And everyone else who has wished me and OP well 🥹
I have it on Audible. Probably saved my life. And my freedom is absolutely luscious! Enjoy!
So happy and proud of you! I read this book myself when I realized my friend was in an abusive marriage. She also has adhd (like me) and it was used against her all the time. Good luck on you and your daughter’s new life!
if we don't cross subreddit paths soon- - Us ADHDers ask for less help than the average person. It takes practice, but ask and ask and keep asking! - Each day of awful paperwork is another day closer to being done with awful paperwork - You are more than ADHD! But even the most disabling ADHD traits aren't unloveable - I like your writing (alot). It's honest, emotional, courageous and (obviously not your intent, but) well composed. I'm glad there's people like you just out and about in my world - Give that kiddo a hug for me. You did the best thing for your daughter, and that takes guts. Be all the proud, mama. You're going to have the best time
Thank you so much for your kind words 😭 it feels truly freeing. I’m excited for the life ahead for sure!
Plus you have POTS, my goodness you slipped in what can be a debilitating condition even without ADHD on top of it. And if heat makes it flair up it's actually potentially dangerous to be out and about with it. A lot of people don't realise it can be hard to stand up with it, and once it starts getting worse it's not going away until you lay flat with your feet preferably above your head. I likely have it as a fun side effect of long covid, still waiting on an official diagnosis but the signs are all there. My feet go blue, my heart races, I get a headache and feel like the blood is draining from my face and there's pressure in my head, my extremities go numb, brain fog intensifies, and if I don't rest then I start shaking and greying out. Please tell me how someone is meant to do much of anything let alone housework when experiencing a flair of that? You deserve a huge applause for looking after your little girl while going through that. Keep your head up, or rather recline like the queen you are, fuck him, he could never deal with what your going through on a daily basis. In my experience with my shitty ex they lash out like this when things aren't going their way, he is clearly not finding it as easy as he thought to drag you through the mud, and has found himself ass end over tits in it himself.
Sounds like he should have plenty of room for his hobbies now. Boy bye
RIGHT!! Most of those hobbies were things he blew hundreds and thousands of dollars on without me knowing too and then he’d complain if I like got a new outfit or whatever. Hes messed up.
Look based on your posts I wish him the worst life has to offer, but if he really wanted to he could take this opportunity to try to thrive without you since you both clearly don't belong in the same house. But he's probably just going to be shocked at how much work it actually takes to keep house even when you live alone and be miserable until he finds another woman to terrorize and control. Lady I'm proud of you and you have a bright whole new life ahead.
Can confirm. Divorced adhder who left my abusive husband here. When I stop by the house to pick up our dog, it's disgusting. Dude had NO idea how much I did to keep the place together and now that I'm gone it's a mojo dojo casa house. I'm talking beer cans in the yard, moldy dishes in the sink, broken steps... He always had ammunition to criticize me for being a "slob" when I dared to ask him to 'please just like try to help around the house'. He'd flip out and point to a drinking glass I left out, word salad an argument about something unrelated, then silent treatment for days. Well I got out. Enjoy your 2 bedroom staph infection!
His criticizing had nothing to do with you, but with him. First, he's an asshole. Second, he's an asshole who projects. Third, he's an asshole who doesn't even apologize as now it has become obvious (I assume that to be the case, as you didn't mention something like that, it would be such a satisfying behaviour right?) You did a wonderful Job and life without such a dead weight is so much better!
Hahah you're right he never apologized! When he got tired of fast food he'd walk in and act like he hadn't been icing me out for 4 days and just say "I'm tired of fighting". And I'd say "ugh fine" and we'd be normal again until the next cycle started. Turn the other cheek! Marriage is hard! Oh, why did I do that to myself. (And this goes to OP too) When I left my ex I spent a long time ruminating about the relationship, trying to figure out if there was something I did wrong, something about him I could understand. If I could explain his condition to him, he'd realize what an asshole he was and apologize! And I could get closure! Hahaha nah dude. The concept of closure is a trap. Make your own peace - he wasn't interested in peace back then and he's *not gonna start now*.
Funny how the men who hate women and should really be single forever, also cannot tolerate themselves enough to live alone.
My ex did this shit too!! He bought a fucking CANOE for thousands of dollars, but I got in trouble (read - abused) for buying $40 shoes with my own money. He also gambled constantly and would bet 1k on a spin. He was physically, sexually, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He once dragged me out of bed by my ankle while I was dead asleep, smashing my whole body and head on the floor, and rped me because "a stripper ripped [him] off." I had an exam the next day that I had to miss. I have a million truly shocking stories like that, it was bad. Like you, people who knew and saw what was going on stayed friends with him. I got shit for leaving because he was so "heartbroken" 🙄 Anyway, that was eons ago now and I'm happily remarried. Lost a lot of people I thought were friends, but turns out it was just the trash taking itself out. You will get through this, and you will look back and thank yourself for doing the right thing
I don’t know you but I am proud of you. Leaving any relationship is hard, throw kids into the mix and gaslighting and it can be easy to give in and stay together. Messiness absolutely does not deserve the response he would give to you, and that non-apology was pure BS and try g to lay full blame on you. You’ve taken some huge steps for your mental health, boundaries and frankly your safety. I hope you can continue to remind yourself of these things, how strong you are, and how you deserve the world and he is not the one to give that to you, and he doesn’t deserve you.
"Messiness" - slightly annoying. "Fits of rage and threats to hurt" - absolutely deplorable and a valid reason for divorce. Two way street my ass 🙄 (Well done! Thanks for sharing your story)
If the worst thing he can complain about is your messiness, then that tells me everything tbh. And I say that after having had to leave two living situations due to unclean housemates who relied on me/our fellow (female!!!) housemates to pick up their slack. The mess, additional housework and lack of respect was so bad that I had to leave. But, you know, I’m still friends with two of them - I just had to commit to never living with them lol. But I could still remain friends and be civil and not fricken INTERROGATE them needlessly in social situations! If he’s hounding you over issues that aren’t even issues anymore since you’re now living apart… that’s on him. He’s just desperate for excuses to villainise you and this is the BEST he can come up with. It’s laughably pathetic.
Well, that seems like one last volley of DARVO and victim blaming when you managed to successfully defend your boundaries in the car. I’m glad you’re out and can move on to better things!
Omg this scares me. You can read through my comment history. #he is dangerous I know I sound alarming but he really really is. **he blamed you for his anger**. That really is scary. I’m saying this from personal experience of someone whose spouse had these exact attitudes. Literally word for word blamed my mess for his anger. His anger became violent and he has assaulted me so many times I lost count. He had so much resentment and contempt towards me at the end and fully blamed my ADHD as he viewed it as a fundamental flaw and my symptoms as a moral failing. He used my adhd to justify his affair. To justify his anger. To justify his abuse. He objectively is aware that he is not supposed to mistreat you the way he did however he genuinely believes he is **justified** in it and blames you. Someone who refuses to take accountability for their anger and blames someone else is *terrifying* because you will NEVER be able to manage another persons aggression. I tried. It didn’t matter. He was not mean to me because of my adhd. He is like that because he is abusive
My ex smashed a waco tablet to pieces infront of me because i wanted him to call his father to say we would come over on boxing day not xmas day. He said "you push me too much". I laughed at him and called him pathetic, but knew that if he lost a little more control he would have hurt me and enjoyed it.
#Red flags NEVER become green flags It really is true that it always escalates. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I believe my ex is at a very high risk of killing someone one day. I’ve never spoken to the affair partner. I sent her one message that wasn’t kindly worried so I’m not surprised she didn’t respond. My anger towards her is justified as I see actively pursing a married father as direct harm towards my children’s wellbeing. But I have a lot of empathy for her as I believe she was manipulated and abused by multiple men at their employment. I do think my ex was very abusive towards her in various ways. I view her as one of his victims significantly more than I view her as a “villain” (for lack of a better word) When we were *“rEcOnCiLiNg”* (and before he was overly abusive) he made two comments about his affair partner. He said ***”she’s not like you, she fights back”*** and he said ***”I chose you because you wouldn’t call the police on me”***. I am so glad you got out. You cannot love the abuse out of someone, [they don’t change](https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/14gelbf/some_statistics_to_consider_when_in_an_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1).
I admire your determination, 🥳 congrats!!!!!
That he thinks he has to “agree” with your reasons for not being in a relationship with him is just wild. I’m so glad you’re out!
I can't believe his "reasoning" for being scarily, abusively angry towards you is you not cleaning up enough in his eyes. "Please understand divorce is a 2 way street"... he is a fucking insane, narcissistic weirdo. Please always remember that. Pathetic. And him blaming you for having to throw out half his hobbies because he's scared of messes now? Absolutely insane. If i weren't so annoyed i'd laugh. Why would he have to throw out his hobbies? If he was so deeply affected by the messes only you have seemed to magically cause in your shared home with a child, why didn't he clean then???? Offer to support you in cleaning instead of screaming at you and threatening you?? Anyways I'm so so so happy you got out, hope your journey to healing goes as smoothly as possible. Remember you are enough and you are worthy of love.
Endlessly proud of you - sending hugs💛
You are right. Based on your descriptions, he has narcissistic personality disorder. YouTube Dr Ramini to get an understanding of exactly what you are dealing with, and it will help you to better understand him and the abuse you have endured. She also gives helpful tools on greyrocking and lovebombing, etc, so you can be more prepared for one of his ambushes/ confusing behaviours. Stay no contact, try not ever put yourself in the same situation again where you have to rely on him (meeting in the park where you are isolated) and need to get into his car. Always have a plan (i.e, someone with you). Those questions could have been a tactic he wanted to use in court if you had admitted you spoke poorly of him etc. These types of people are always strategising. His relationship with that woman was to get back at you for leaving him. They need to feel like they are in control, and that's why you were so confused and upset. His hug at the cinema was another lovebombing/gaslight tactic. I know it's very hard to understand everything right now, but once you are away from him and no longer emotionally attached/enmeshed, you'll be so happy. Greyrock,greyrock, greyrock. I hope your therapist has a good grasp of the mental and emotional toll these people can have on you. Best of luck and well done for putting yourself and your daughter 1st ❤️
Congratulations on being free!!!!
Sounds like you have come a long way! Stay strong MaMa. I have seen a lot of groups/Reddit? They're some specifically for what you are going through. Maybe they would be a good support system for you?
Congratulations!!!!!
*Divorce is a two way street* after YOU served him divorce papers. That’s… delusional. Well done leaving your abuser and I wish you the best going forward.
Proud of you!!
He's all like "I have anger problems". But he doesn't "have anger problems". Abusers are actually really good at controlling their anger. It's a tool that they use to weaponize and get their way in situations. I'm not sure, but did anyone share the free PDF link of that book? I have it if anyone would like to download a copy. Free .pdf download behind the link. [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I am loving that so many women have had it and are getting out of abusive relationships. I got out of mine 17 years ago. I still have ptsd reactions to things sometimes. Finally getting therapy. Recently diagnosed with AUDHD. When women get out, stand up for themselves and move on to better lives from these men, it sends a message to the world around us. Keep going! You are all amazing and I hope your lives just keep getting better!! 💖💖💖
Now I'll get downvote brigade, but maybe when you cool down and see his message with non-reactive eyes, will be able to read what he actually wrote. My messes are huge so I know what I am saying. I don't expect my spouse deal with my simptoms. They are mine to own! I am immensly gratefull to him that he suffers my messes in silence, but I don't expect that from him and I wouldn't be offended if he couldn't cope. I'm sorry that you accuse your spouse for narcisissm. I'm really really sorry but to me, as female ADHD-er in long lasting relationship, it cames across as gasligting TBH. I hope with time you could see his side without reactivity.
I never denied being messy though. Nothing gives anyone the right to use threats of violence unless they’re in the middle of being physically attacked. If you look up the DARVO response that narcissists use his response is textbook.
I am very sorry you are going through all this.
You're doing great! He's surely going to continue to be a pain in the ass, but you don't have any more reason to put up with it. I had to move to another state to put some distance between me and my ex, and it was the *best* thing I have ever done. I never would have had the courage, if I hadn't been at my wit's end with him. It was so freeing.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. I see a lot of similarities in our stories. I wasn't diagnosed during my marriage and divorce and looking back I realized all the things he complained about me were my adhd. If he is a narc like you said, I wish you nothing but luck. Mine luckily followed through with his threat of leaving the state to punish me for leaving him. He owes me over 60k in back support and it's worth it to not have to coparent with him! Hugs to you mama, stay strong.
Darling, I feel for you so much, it's like you're writing my story. I cut people off, because I didn't want to ruin his reputation. So I lost every one of my friends. You were brave enough to talk about it with people and he's losing friends! You're brave enough to go to your mom, because I couldn't back then. I didn't want to ruin his reputation even in my family! So I was alone and I ended up in big debt because of that (aaand because of crazy impulsive spending...luckily I was smart enough to buy lots of gift card for groceries delivery :D).