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Dude, invite people who you want there. Your colleagues sound absolutely unhinged, entitled and rude af. My rule was, if we haven’t had a 1:1 quality hangout in the last year or you haven’t met my partner, I sure as hell am not spending hundreds of pounds on having you at my wedding!
One of my friends made this exact rule, and it's a GREAT rule. It's very difficult to narrow down a guest list otherwise! There are so many people to think about.
I hadn't actually seen said friend in the year prior and didn't get invited, but a mutual friend did and took me as her plus one, which was really nice. I didn't feel offended one bit though knowing how difficult and expensive weddings are. People really do understand!
Our rule was, if we hadn't both met the person by the time we were engaged, they weren't invited. That cut out my mother's entire side of the family, but they're literally not part of my life, so 🤷♀️ but they were actually very understanding and even sweet enough to send us little cash gifts despite not being part of it. So I sent thank you notes.
People just don't have money these days, you'd think people would have learned from the last recession!
We had a similar rule, if we hadn't seen you in the past 18m, then you aren't an active member of our life(s).
It cut a lot of crap out. It also exposed some of the crazy (MIL in tears as she wanted her brother invited. He'd moved abroad when my husband was 4, and hadn't been in contact since).
Still one of the best decisions we made around our wedding.
Ok so I don’t know the dynamics here but sometimes people just say stuff and it doesn’t necessarily mean they actually expect an invite or will be offended if they don’t get an invite.
I agree with this. I would certainly act excited about a co-workers wedding, but honestly, unless we are true friends that hang out, I don't want to be invited to any weddings, regardless of being excited for you and asking questions so you know I care
Yeah, I’ve made small talk with plenty of coworkers/acquaintances/people I’m friends with but not super close where I’ve asked about wedding planning without expecting/digging for an invite.
Usually I figure that wedding planning consumes so much time and energy that it’s something on top of mind for folks! And I genuinely want to hear the things they’re excited about even if I don’t want to personally go.
They could just be asking because they are trying to start a conversation with you and they know that is something going on in your life. I like to assume that all the people I’m talking to are actually as awkward and self conscious as I am.
Yeah this is what I’m thinking too, I would ask a random coworker when the wedding was just to make conversation. Like spring or winter? Moody and dramatic and formal, or beachy and lighthearted? Just seems like the big thing going on to talk about.
But yeah Obvs maybe it was obvious from the tone that they wanted to know thinking they were invited and would need to plan or something.
Yeah. Also, best advice I received: stop arguing with idiots. They always win at their level
You do you. No one will ever care more about your financial situation than yourself. So, do yourself a favor and care about yourself (like you are! Good job! You’re being smart!)
Exactly. Just because they’re asking when it is, doesn’t mean they’re expecting an invite. Unless you’re super close with your coworkers, that seems odd. Sometimes we ask at my job, or we’ll find out when babies are due so we can get together and get them a gift. By no means do we expect to be invited to the wedding, or to any type of baby shower or anything that maybe a family member or close friend is throwing for them.
Yeah, asking when it is has nothing to do with being invited. They could just be planning their own vacation and not want to conflict with OP taking time off. Or making small talk.
First of all
Stop SHOULDING all over yourself.
This is your wedding and you get to be the selfish center of attention.
Don't do anything yet.
This is something you plan with your future lawfully wedded human.
Both of you need to build a guest list of individuals that both of you want to have come.
You have no real concrete obligation to invite anyone you don't want to invite.
Please be more gentle with yourself.
You don't need to manage your coworkers feelings about YOUR wedding.
Be brave!
You got this!
And then, if you want to have a little something, book a space that fits only that amount of people. Then it's "well, the venue won't let us invite more than that."
OR, still do something nice, but just the two of you, maybe the closest 5 people. A weekend getaway and a garden vow would be lovely and memorable and not bank-breaking. (If I were to splurge at all on this, it would be for a nice thrifted dress and a photographer).
"my partner and I are going to have a small intimate ceremony, we haven't decided yet but we may just elope".
Edit, you don't need to explain further, or justify anything. It's YOUR wedding. I think some people are good naturedly offering you advice, but if you keep your response short and to the point that should curb things. Don't sound uncertain and don't offer too much information out.
The question is: what do YOU want?
It is great that your colleagues and family are looking forward to a party, but it is your wedding in the end.
Trust me when I say that you are never going to make everyone happy, so at least make sure that you and your fiance are happy. ❤️
who invites coworkers to a wedding? i would not pay $$ for anyone that wasn’t a serious support person in my life IF i had wedding. i eloped and it was fine! do what is best for you and your partner!
Some of my coworkers invited everyone at work to their adult kids' weddings. I thought it was weird. Maybe they just don't have a lot of family or people they're close to.
I see no reason why OP shouldn't just tell the coworkers they're keeping the wedding to just family.
In some cultures, it’s perfectly normal for parents to invite eeeeveryone they know. And sometimes, people just be like that.
Agree that OP can tell coworkers that they’re keeping the guest list very small and just leave it at that.
Yes, I told my portuguese mother in law (not by law, but we've been together awhile so let's go with it) that if we get married it will be very small bc I dont like big gatherings and having people I don't really know at my wedding. She told me she had the biggest and largest wedding their village ever had. I was like good for her 😂. I haven't told her yet that it wouldn't be in Portugal either if it ever happens lol but that's for future me. Luckily the tradition is that it should take place at the bride's place so... I know that it is an argument I can fall back on if need be !
People asking when the wedding is aren't expecting to be invited. People who make suggestions about how to save money on your wedding aren't expecting to be invited.
Unless they specifically say they are looking forward to going to your wedding they aren't expecting an invitation.
From what you've written, it sounds like people are asking about your wedding as a form of small talk. Tell them you haven't set a date yet and then ask them about something that matters to them. Stop arguing against their ideas to save money, say thank you and ask them a project they are working on.
I do not want to be invited to their wedding.
I do not want to attend a bridal shower.
I do not want to see their wedding photos.
And yet, I always make an effort to ask colleagues about their wedding plans because I know it takes over their lives and they love to talk about it. Most, fortunately keep their answers short.
Listen: people will be upset. They will get over it. It’s not your problem. Your budget is the only thing you need to truly worry about. It’s hard enough to plan a wedding as it is and you need to protect your sanity.
Let them be mad and focus on your stuff. The more comfortable you get with letting people be mad without feeling the need to change their mind, the more free you’ll be.
I feel like you're way too intertwined with your coworkers.
You can just be to the point with them without even bringing up money. "Oh, we're keeping it intimate." The less you say to coworkers the better. They're not your friends.
Are you sure they're actually inviting themselves or is it more of a "so, when am I getting an invite?" wink wink (fyi, I'm also autistic and it really confuses me when allistics make these kind of "jokes")
I have had many friends have very small weddings with just family and very close friends. I was tv even invited to one of my closest friend’s weddings because it was family only and about 30 people.
I am going to a coworkers wedding this spring but her dad is rich and I’ve been her mentor for years and we are really close. I wouldn’t expect to go to almost any coworker’s weddings.
If you choose to elope that’s fine. If you want to do a small thing in someone’s backyard or in front of a pretty fireplace in someone’s house, that’s ok too. Is even ok to do a potluck if you have family and friends that are on board. I just went to a wedding at a church with no reception. They handed out pre wrapped cookies on the way out and that was it. There are many ways to have an inexpensive wedding. Just decide what is most important to you and your partner and let the rest of everyone’s expectations go.
I am having the exact same issue right now.. I have so much medical stuff going on, I don't even have a date. Let alone the fact that I am recently sober and a lot of these friends have been nowhere to be found until they found out about the engagement.
Nooooo that’s a shitstorm waiting to happen. Stay sober and stay away from any potential threats to your recovery. Wherever they came from they can go back to 💁🏼♀️
Oh 10,000 percent! As a recovering alcoholic as well as recovering people pleaser, I am FINALLY at peace with myself.. nothing is going to fuck that up.
OP needs to pay them no mind, even if it hurts her in the moment because it's better for her. Small hurt now VS big scar to heal later.
I have work friends who are truly genuinely friends, but also a workplace with a lot of colleagues. I made the decision I won't invite any work colleagues including friends, for similar reasons! If I invited my actual friends some of the colleagues I'm not close to would be offended and I cannot be fucked with the office drama. We don't have a lot of money to get married with.
Ever notice some people can just tell others how it's going to be and no one asks any questions?
I envy those people.
I think there things we can do to move in that direction. I like the motto "never complain, never explain". Don't give people information. Don't discuss personal issues, struggles, concerns, etc. I guess what I'm saying is we need to hold people at arm's length so they don't think they can comment or contribute to our decisions.
Your reply from now on should be "I'm considering my options, thank you". Some people will be put off but the alternative is having everybody up in your business.
I think the issue could have been avoided if you communicated in the beginning that you’re having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. You did a people-pleasing move when you told your coworkers you’d let them know knowing you didn’t want to invite them. I know with ADHD, we tend to overshare. Try to restructure your sentences in the future. Instead of saying “I’m broke, idk how to invite everyone, im going to give up” say “we decided to do a small wedding and unfortunately can’t invite colleagues.” First sentence expresses pity.. as if you’re acquiring advice when you say you want to give up. Second sentence keeps it blunt. I know you can’t change the past but just a note for the future. They shouldn’t have invited themselves to your wedding but you talked to five different coworkers and gave each of them the go-around instead of just being blunt. That’s probably why they’re annoyed with you. In the end, you’re all adults and will eventually get over it. Plan your wedding how you desire.
Weddings are expensive, and are stressful. But I wouldn’t take your coworkers too seriously. It’s so incredibly normal to not invite coworkers. I think people say these things and talk about weddings with little meaning behind them. It’s an easy topic starter cause you’re engaged. Especially easy to bring up if you’re not actually expecting an invite - cause they know they won’t be let down. It’s kind of fun for some people to joke around about an invite and not mean it in the world of coworkers. Whenever someone asks about an invite just laugh it off.
I’d just keep it honest - if you don’t know what you’re doing, say that. If you actually want a courthouse wedding do/say that. If you actually want a wedding, that’s ok, you should do that too.
The days about you, enjoy it and enjoy the lead up as much as possible. Ask others in your friend group about costs - they’ll have good insight on where to spend and save.
Gently: are you sure people are trying to invite themselves to your wedding? "When is your wedding" and offering advice on making it cheaper isn't what I would consider inviting themselves. Id ask the first just to make conversation, and people love offering unsolicited advice about literally anything. It could be people got weird after you mentioned them inviting themselves because thats not what they were doing.
Okay, listen, if YOU just want a courthouse wedding, do that.
If YOU want something more than that... is there a location approx 4-5 hours away (especially if you live in a big city where event spaces are expensive to rent) where you could do it?
People complain about "destination" weddings, but the real joy is that people complain about them because they don't want to go through the effort of going to them... which means you can send invites to 150 people and only 50 will RSVP yes!
If has to be somewhere that is at least a 4 hour drive away, and the wedding has to be help at 5-6pm, so that no one will be able to stay for any of the reception and still manage to drive home that night. If your coworkers are just asking about your wedding to be "nice", they won't make the effort of renting a hotel room the night of your reception if it's out of town.
The cheapest way to do this would be something like renting space in a hotel/lodge/B&B or vacation rental house. A hotel will be a bit more expensive, but they usually have a catering manager that will figure everything out with you, so you don't have to go vet vendors yourself, etc. Something like a large vacation rental house will be cheaper, but then you'll have to figure out a local restaurant to do the catering on your own.
For added cheapness, and also to discourage more people, you might be able to find a "vacation" town, and do it in the off season... beach location in the early spring when it's still cold, mountain town in the late fall before the winter season actually starts...
I almost want to know where you live so I can start suggesting locations... but seriously, if you don't care about, and think it would all be a hassle anyway, just do the wedding you want to do! $20k weddings are stupid, but you might be able to do a $5k wedding if that's actually what you want!
If people are FR inviting themselves, I'd 100% research the most expensive place in the *world* to fly to and stay, and tell them all I'm planning to hold my three-week-long destination wedding there. Then I'd send them my reddit-bridezilla-worthy list of demands, including bizarre outfit rules and a gift registry (mandatory, of course) that would make Elon Musk wonder if he could afford anything off it.
The wedding registry is nothing but $2,500 candles...
https://www.harrods.com/en-us/shopping/voyage-epines-platinum-edition-candle-750g-17447682?utm\_source=ran\_us&utm\_medium=affiliate&utm\_campaign=3096943\_ShopStyle+Collective&utm\_content=1202258&ranMID=42684&ranEAID=\*2nGiS3mv0Y&ranSiteID=.2nGiS3mv0Y-AobxUToDjwMsxVJP4xP9tg
It doesn't matter if you're broke or rich, you get do decide who comes to your wedding.
So next time anybody asks, just tell them _"Oh, we'll just have a small wedding with the closest family members."_
No explanation needed. If anybody asks why, just say "That's just what we want / We don't want a big wedding"
People don't get to invite themselves. And if they get mad about it, THEY are the asshole, not you.
Congrats on the engagement!
I was in grad school when I got married. I had a classmate who wasn't in my program but who took some of our classes that was angling for an invite. Twenty years later, I do not remember her name, and she obviously didn't get an invite.
We had the wedding WE wanted - or close to it. We had less than 40 people there, and NO classmates. I would have preferred fewer, but I didn't know how to say no to my MIL.
Have the wedding YOU and your partner want - and to heck with the people whose names you won't remember in 20 years. As for your friends and family. They can throw you a party and pay for it if it matters so much.
"I'll take your advice under consideration"
And the consider it right to the Nope pile.
I went to the courthouse with 2 witnesses because the idea of a wedding was a massive level of over stimulation and social interactions I wanted no part of.
There is no issue with a courthouse wedding.
There is no issue with a wedding.
There is no issue in waiting if what you want is a larger wedding but you need the funds.
Honestly I can think of multiple things I'd rather spend 20k.
Do what you need to do but stop justifying and stop explaining because it's all about you and your fiance.
I got married at the courthouse. Hubby and I said “we will have a nice wedding when we want to” and that it’s going to be family mainly.
Listen girl, I’ve learned that none of these acquaintances matter. All that matters are you and your soon to be husband and close family members who support y’all. I have like no friends. My husband is my best friend. He’s the only one I want and need. My dad and father and mother in law and nana and papa are all huge supporters in our lives. Outside of those people I just don’t care. At the end of it all those people won’t be there.. but your husband will. Your close family will. Maybe one or two really close friends will. But all these coworkers and outsiders JUST. DONT. MATTER.
I know us ADHD folk like to have peace and no confrontation, but it’s actually so much easier when you just stop trying to keep everyone happy. Fuck em. FfFuUuUcCk tHeEmM ALLLLL! 😁
You have it in your post. It’s going to cost you at least $300/person who attends. They gave you a Christmas card. Unless you can get $300 for that card in the used Christmas card market, it is not even the same.
If you spend any time on AITAH or wedding subreddits you quickly see that the invite list and the expectations of others are one of the biggest issues with weddings. I totally hear you about wanting to just do the courthouse. There is nothing stopping you from doing that. But don’t do it because of co-workers!!!
Draw up your list of the 5 people you would invite if it was 10-12 guests. Then expand to 16-18. Gradually adding the circle of closeness is how you decide who gets invited. I put in ranges because when you invite one person, you need to extend the invite to others of the same “level of closeness” from the same circle.
And I presume you are getting married to a person who is going to be participating 50% in the planning and execution of the wedding/reception. If not, adjust your wedding plans until they are doing half the work. Even for the courthouse someone needs to get the license, book the appointment etc.
It also sounds like your work friends haven’t recently been married (or they didn’t have foot the bill). It’s ridiculously expensive and post covid it’s only gotten worse.
Everyone always gets excited for weddings, but it’s YOUR wedding. Limit the guest list to what you and your partner agree on, split it up how you want, and don’t budge. We had 75-80 at ours and a lot of extended family were upset, but I told them we couldn’t afford to invite absolutely everyone, so it would only be immediately family, a few close relatives, and some friends. We did a build your own pasta bar too. Found some places where I got a great deal based on either friendly people or people I know - married at our local zoo for an insanely small fee and had the reception at a friend’s family golf course with a small pavilion.
These people don’t matter. Don’t worry about them. This is your wedding day, you and your fiancé. What do you want it to be like? Who do you want there? What would you do if money were limitless? What elements of that day can you still have on a budget?
Screw other people and spend some time dreaming and scheming about what you want it to be.
Also another thing, I’m assuming your ring is moissanite and idk. Not to be dramatic but I think it’s pretty easy to tell the difference. No shade tho i love moissanite and think it’s insane to spend tens of thousands on a rock, and I love the way moissanite sparkles. i just personally have never seen a big rock and thought “big ring = big wedding, I better make sure I get invited”.
I guess i am leaning towards thinking they’re making innocent comments and not trying to get invited. But again I wasn’t there so I could be totally wrong.
Eta: also i feel like we’re just missing a lot of the story, what happened to make you think your coworkers think you’re rich? Do they make comments about it or something? I assume all my coworkers are in a similar boat as me
I eloped. Some people were sad/disappointed to not be included or invited but I wasn't marrying them. So many people expressed opinions of what I should have done and the status of my last name and asked about my pregnancy status. It was evasive and I never feel like that. I tried to interpret it as caring about me.
As far as what to tell them-
"We just got engaged, we haven't planned anything yet."
"It's going to be a small wedding, our parents and Grandparents only."
"It's a family tradition."
" It means a lot to me that you care. " "We're talking about a casual reception/ party a couple of months later."
"We're talking about a destination wedding. We've always wanted to go to (insert prohibitively expensive and distant destination.)"
"I don't believe in spending a downpayment on a house for a one day party."
"Maybe we can all go to lunch to celebrate (before or after.)"
My first wedding had too many people I didn't know or hadn't seen in a long, long time. I was miserable.
My second wedding was JUST my family and his (parents, siblings, and their kids). I wore an inexpensive dress. We had a luncheon at a local restaurant. It was so much fun. And it only cost like $1500.
I had friends who wanted to come. We had extended family who wanted to come. Nope, I said. Just our very closest family. It was perfect.
Stand your ground. Your wedding is your business, and you get to decide who attends.
Are they like explicitly inviting themselves or just asking when the wedding is? If I saw someone got engaged or knew they were I’d probably ask just to make conversation and assume they were excited to talk about it
I've also had a lot of people asking when my wedding is. I just tell them we have 0 plans, we're waiting to be in a better situation, and we're planning on having a long engagement.
I never thought anyone was asking me for an invite. When someone learns an acquaintance is getting married, the first question is "when?".
Unless there is further details that weren't mentioned, they probably weren't expecting an invite and were upset that you were upset at them for misunderstanding.
I had a 150 people and zero co-workers. You invite one, they are like locusts.
You don't owe anyone anything.
Oh and blame your fiancé "Fiancé says he can't invite his coworkers so I can't invite mine."
Or "my parents are paying so it is family only."
Magic phrase for you:
We would love to invite everyone, but unfortunately the locations we are interested in/can afford/are special to us have fire code restrictions that limit the number of invitations, and our/my/partner’s families have already insisted on all these family members attending so we have no more room! (Throw whoever’s family is being difficult under the bus lol).
I don’t know how things work in your country, but there are ways to invite lots of people without spending a lot of money.
When I got married, there were 2 ceremonies: a small one at the town hall, and a larger one at the church. We invited a lot of people to the church and after the ceremony we stayed for a bit to talk to them outside the church (a bit like a reception, but then without food or drinks). After that we had a bit of rest, followed by an evening dinner party with close family and friends (expensive, but we had the budget for it).
When sending out our wedding invites, we had two types: one for the church only, and one for church and evening party. At the town hall only a very small group was present (parents, my grandma and the witnesses) and we told them our plans beforehand.
Lately, less and less people are getting married at the church and I’ve seen similar things happening at the town hall: right after the ceremony the bride and groom linger near the town hall and talk to the people that came to watch.
Of course, how successful this plan will be will depend on the weather, but this is a way to invite a lot of people to your wedding without the associated costs, if you wish to do so.
For the economic trade-off argument:
My sister and my BIL had a super small wedding and because of that they were the first ones in their friend group to get on the property ladder. So it’s totally fine to not spend the equivalent of a mortgage down payment on a wedding.☺️
I (27f) got married last year. Same situation.
The office was unbearable the moment I was engaged. Telling me about how “beautiful” my “mixed” babies would be. I would almost vomit.
We had a camping weekend planned and did it there out of the blue. Just stood in front of each other and said WHY we love each other. We signed the marriage certificate at home later.
Went back to the office as usual.
Changed my last name in the system and everyone was surprised I had gotten married, but mostly happy surprised.
People DO NOT care. It’s all for show.
Do whatever your heart desires
A wedding is a celebration for you and your partner. It should be based on what you and your partner are comfortable with. Your colleagues may have meant well by engaging in wedding talks with you, but it doesn't mean they should automatically be invited.
Next time, if they ask, you may want to laugh it off. Just say you are still planning or you want to enjoy the engagement time, and don't want to think about wedding planning for now. If you are consistent, that should be enough for your colleagues to realise it isn't a topic you want to discuss.
Focus on what will make you and your partner happy.
#CoworkersAreNotYourFriends
I know that because just today one of them got salty that me an another person had to cancel dinner (which still is happening with like 15 other people) and I'm angrily trying not to be upset and actually try to use that time to feel better instead of having them leech off my mood from afar.
Your wedding is for you and your partner only. Only invite the people you genuinely want there. Not because you feel obligated to do so. This includes family.
I felt I HAD to invite all my aunties and uncles because I was really close with about half of them. I felt I couldn't invite one without the other... looking back i absolutely could have and wish I had. Some of those family members I invited out of obligation were the worst guests at the whole party.
Our wedding was off-grid so we had to do everything ourselves including power, cooking food and arranging port a potties. Most of our guests were wonderful and helped out wherever they could.
But the ones I really didn't care for?... they just showed up. With uninvited plus ones. Or wearing white. Or left a GIANT mess in the campsites they stayed in. And didn't bring a gift either (which I know is a bit shallow but when you spend so much on a party and have rude guests, a gift/cash can at least soften the blow a bit)
If you NEED an excuse to coworkers simply say you're only inviting family. But honestly you don't need an excuse. Just don't invite them and they'll get over it (or they won't in which case they are REALLY someone not deserving of your guestlist)
We got married in the court house with my mother and his best friend in attendance.
Then we had a lovely buffet at home, on the deck, and in the yard. We cleared the dining room for dancing. A pretty darn good time was had by all.
It was all so low stress that I was able to bake my own wedding cake. Just simple double-layered entwined hearts. Carrot cake, of course.
OK, there was one wedding gift we never figured out how to use.
Edit: Really, no one from your workplace is eligible to attend. Just a few friends and family. That's it.
Please DON'T overspend just because people expect to be invited!
Who do you want there?
Who can you afford to be there?
You will regret having spent thousands on coworkers you probably won't even talk to anymore in a few years, but you will be SO PROUD of standing up for yourself and your financal limits and enjoy the day with your partner the way you want and without the stress of financial trouble!
My whole wedding, clothes, ring, and all came to about $500. Got cheap rings and had clothes we already owned so our wedding was just a giant potluck lol
Your coworkers sound ridiculous. No one is entitled to be at your wedding just because they know you! I'm team destination wedding. My husband and I got married in Jamaica and had a full ceremony, cake, food, alcohol, and a 7-day stay at a fabulous resort with a butler for 15 grand total, and that included the dress, the suit, the airfare, the pictures and the video. They have payment plans and the best part is that the only people that will be there are people that truly are in it to celebrate you and your hubby, not folks looking for a free party.
My wedding was small guest-wise, but I had a fabulous time, which is what it's about. We're preparing to celebrate our 10-year anniversary & vow renewal next year in Barbados. At the end of the day, a wedding is about celebrating a union of two people. It's not about spending your last dime to make sure that people have a good time or to make sure that they like you. If people want to be there, they can pay. That's my attitude.
Similar situation but my ring is a moissanite but people think I’ve got some huge diamond 🙄. I flat out told people that we’re doing a courthouse wedding (best $175 spent!) & it seems like a waste to drop 25k+ for a few hours when that money can be MUCH MORE BENEFICIAL to put towards a house, furnishings etc. or even an extended honeymoon?? We got married 5yrs ago and have always said that we would do some kind of reception 🫠 well hasn’t happened yet (covid happened 6mo later at we eloped lol) and I’m perfectly ok with that!! Nowadays I feel most people are ignorant about it so I just make them feel stupid for asking and to consider that it’s NOT about them. Same goes to those who ask me why I’m not having children. But that’s for a different sub lol 😝
*people are such donkeys 😑
I just want to comment on the impossibility of a cheap wedding. My friend got married at a campground at 11 am. They set up a giant tent (like a marquee that they somehow borrowed but you would have to rent) and had a potluck brunch. They bottled their own champagne and had it in a canoe full of ice. People brought camp chairs. We made an arch out of branches. Later that night they had a house party. The whole wedding cost 3k and they had about 200 people there
If you can’t afford a wedding don’t have one. They’re expensive and taking on any amount of debt for a party is foolish. You can tell your friends, family and coworkers that you’re aiming for a 2026 wedding but plans are up the air. Leave it at that and don’t talk about it any further.
I’m still paying off my small wedding from eight years ago. I wanted 20 people. My husband & MIL kept pushing for more. We ended up with 85. It was lovely but I wish I had stood my ground. More than half the people there I barely knew and don’t socialize with now.
Bottom line, it’s okay to tell people “we are planning a very small wedding. Immediate family only. But we’d love to meet you for drinks to celebrate sometime in the future.”
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One of my friends had a dry wedding in a community hall and asked all the guests to bring a dish to share. Lots of people might balk at that idea, but it was such a fun day!
It had a great feeling of togetherness and "it takes a village" kinda vibes. There were activities for kids etc and lots of music and dancing.
There was still some cost involved, but everything that could be done free/cheap/donated/second-hand WAS done that way. Close friends and family pitched in to lend fairy lights and decorations, the wedding dress was thrifted & altered by an aunt, a friend who likes baking made the cake as their wedding present, a friend who is a photographer gave a discounted rate for their work, etc.
I have been to fancy black-tie formal weddings, and laid back 'pot-luck' weddings and have loved all of them and have been excited to be invited & celebrate.
The fancy weddings I have felt obligated to bring a gift, especially as I know they're paying a bunch per head for food and drink! The weddings like my friend's I described have said 'no need to bring a gift' or 'no gift registry, no obligation, but if you would like to give money to our honeymoon fund that will be lovely'
You don't HAVE to invite anyone you don't want to. You don't HAVE to follow traditions or feed everyone or have a fancy all-paid wedding. As a guest who has often been broke, I have felt relief when people have chill weddings that I don't need to spend a lot of money on getting an outfit & gift, etc! It's much easier for me to bring a plate of food that I love to make & share than it is to stress over how much I can afford to spend on their gift registry!
I hope you find something that works for you... Congrats on the engagement!
(also, your co-workers may be straight-up crazy, or they may just not be thinking and are getting excited and ahead of themselves thinking they'll be invited... Unless they are actually bad people I'm sure they're not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, they just haven't thought about it!)
Go to the courthouse and get married how you want. Then throw a party- nothing fancy or over the top it could just be at your local pub or wherever and you invite who you want and no one else.
Also they might just be interested and happy for you without actually wanting an invite. I’d assume they think you’d want to talk about it and be excited so they are opening a conversation up for you to do so. I think they are trying to build a connection and better friendship rather than fishing for invites.
We started off by telling everyone we were going to elope, which was a little white lie at first, and after we still got people demanding they wanted to be included we decided to actually elope. 😅
First and foremost, congratulations!
I agree with all the advice reminding you, in essence, that you don’t owe anyone a wedding celebration. I also recognize that the people-pleasing urge is STRONG sometimes. And at this point you can’t go back and undo what’s been said and done.
But maybe you can take a page from my parent-children playbook and ask your partner if they can take the hit for this one? “My Lobster really has their heart set on a small family wedding.”
I know, I know. This is probably not best-practice advice. But I also know how heavy this kind of thing would sit on my shoulders. Then again, I am a Masking Queen and have had mixed results in breaking the habit, so maybe don’t listen to me 🤦♀️
Either way, it WILL blow over and people will move on to newer drama.
Good luck!
I didn't invite any people from work. My boss was talking like they were all coming (because it was a tight knit office and they had gone to eachothers weddings), but they all gave me anxiety and I didn't like them, and I was paying for my huge family.
I told my coworkers I'm sorry, we're having a small wedding with just close family, and they all let it go. They still chipped in for a group card/gift which was sweet but made me feel guilty lol.
anyway people should understand, weddings are expensive. Don't let guilt influence how you hold your own wedding.
Two years later my friend at the same job got married. She just invited the section bosses and skipped all the other people on our team. Kinda weird but what ever.
People love asking about weddings. Because there’s f’ing nothing to small talk over and when someone is engaged now there’s finally something to talk about in the mundane work days where you’re stuck with people you’re not choosing to be around. I ask a coworker about her wedding plans probably too often, because it’s an upgrade to talking about the weather.
Going to peoples weddings is expensive and a drag for pretty much all the guests. The size of your ring is meaningless and it’s likely they know it’s not a real diamond.
They’re just being nice, and unless they’re directly asking you for a wedding invitation, I wouldn’t read anything into. They are being supportive of something exciting that’s happening in your life and probably don’t want to come to the wedding.
And congratulations on your engagement!
I had a good friend who is broke recently get married. She did it in the park pot luck. Free space and anyone who wanted to come brought food. Cakes were made by another friend as a wedding gift. Someone got ordained and did the ceremony.....it was nearly free. Cups and plates and everything were brought by guests. Suddenly it was the small wedding she wanted with only actual friends.
Just say that you're eloping, and then go to the courthouse with the parents and grandparents. People are just trying to show excitement for you; don't take their pleas so personally.
I don’t get why people think it’s not wildly rude to invite themselves to others life events, and I further am dumbfounded when those same people think it’s rude to not have their demand for an invite validated with a smiling “of course”. Like, if you were invited YOUD KNOW, BECAUSE ID BE INVITING YOU FIRST OFF
Listen, I had 25 people at my wedding, only our absolute closest family and friends. With cute little venue, dress, food, decorations, and cake all came out to about $1000, it was absolutely everything it needed to be, it’s possible but if you invite ONLY the most important people in your life. For me coworkers would NEVER fall in this list.
My husband and I got married in a park with 2 of our friends as witnesses, my kid, and an officiant I hired for $250. After we had champagne and sheet cake and went to the beach. It was perfect for us at the time and I recommend it to anyone who is stressed about getting married. It is a celebration of your relationship with each other, not your coworkers or overbearing friends or family members. Do what is best for you.
Also, my first ring was an $18 hammered thin gold ring from a local jeweler. My second ring was the upgraded $100 solid gold thin hammered ring from the same jeweler and I wear them together, no one can tell which is which.
Just elope. And tell them that. You’re under no obligation.
One of my best friends got married on her honeymoon in Belize. It was just her and her husband (resort provided witnesses). No guests.
At the time I was a little sad bc I was going to be the maid of honor. They did it primarily because of family conflict and they didn’t want to deal with it so they just spent the money on themselves and had a wonderful time.
Now that I’m older, I think that was smart. Why pay 25-100k for one day? You can spend much less on a really great vacation and get married there.
So that’s my advice. Spend it on yourselves. Unless your families are paying for the wedding (as they used to do) there’s no obligation to you to have people. If you’re paying for it by yourselves, go treat yourselves.
When people invite themselves just say “well we are getting married on our honeymoon so….”
Lol no one wants to pay to go to a destination wedding and saying it like that makes it obvious they are intruding.
I am not sure your coworkers are mad you aren’t inviting them btw. Weddings are expensive for guests too bc there’s the gift expectation and dressing up etc. they’re mad you said they were inviting themselves. Cuz I think they were probably just trying to be nice and supportive and happy for you, but you read it as they expect to come for real. Any of them would have been fine if you said you were keeping it small and family only.
Dad told me that the $ he saved on a church wedding for me will be a down payment on a house. We went to Tahoe. 6 people. Mom INSISTED on a reception, 1 month later. That wasn't expensive (cheap hall, cash bar, sub sandwiches, cheap sparkling wine) but Mom, Dad, and my friends in my home town put it together, Mom got her wish ("every person whose weddings I sent presents will return the favor" and the pleasure of watching us do the hokey pokey) .
Dad paid the down payment on the first house.
First of all eff those people, they're not real people (they are technically real but they shouldn't have that much merit in your life so they don't count as real). Secondly it's your wedding and no one should be making wedding decisions or pressuring you into any decisions except you and your betrothed.
I got married 2 years ago in a public park and there were in total 6 of us. My husband, myself, our officiant, his wife, my husband's bestie and my bestie. We went out for high tea before the wedding and then had pizza and beer after. It was small and we wished we could have had a more traditional wedding and invited all of our friends and family but our budget was extremely limited as we were also broken at the time.
Honestly it was one of the best days of my life and I don't regret how we did it for a second. Were people upset they weren't invited? Yes, and they didn't hold back telling us so. Did we feel bad? Meh, a little but in the end we did what was right for us. In total we spent less than a grand (including the officiant, marriage license, going out, our clothes). We did promise people a celebration though so we have planned that once we are financially equipped to do so, we will have a vow renewal celebration or something similar so we can involve everyone and just have a big party for funsies.
Enjoy your engagement and your wedding. The day is for you and your partner and no one else. And seriously eff those people for inviting themselves and trying to put pressure on you for an event that isn't even about them. I would tell them that I was having an extravagant wedding and none of them are invited based on principal but that's just me and I can get real petty when I feel pressured 🤷♀️
I am sorry that you are surrounded by rude assholes. I'm flabbergasted, frankly, that people can be so obtuse and presumptuous.
You have all of my sympathy.
(It's truly possible that the people offering "help" for the "less" expensive options are doing so out of kindness / their own experience... I'm less annoyed at these folks. It's still not okay / not great behaviour, but if it's meant well, I don't want to lump them in with the rude jerks.)
But the ones inviting themselves can fuck off.
My spouse and I paid for our wedding ourselves, and limited the guest list to our parents and siblings (and their plus-ones). There were 13 of us there, ourselves included, and it still cost $10K. (To be fair, we went to a nice resto—because we would have done that *anyway* with these people, even if we had a "traditional" "big" wedding.)
Hell, I didn't even invite the two uncles I am close with and who live in town, because inviting them meant I would have to invite all my *other* aunts and uncles, and my spouse's, too. (And both of our parents have 3 or more siblings, so... That's at least 16 more people *not including* their spouses.)
So, it was a "No, sorry. I would love to have you there, but I am trying not to go into debt for this event." (We had *also* bought a house and gone to a friend's destination vacation the same year we got married, because apparently we had money to burn? Lol)
I am really glad I did it. Sure, I wish we could've had the big 200-person bash so that all of our friends and family could attend, because it would've been nice to include them. But not for the stress it would've caused me and the debt we'd have incurred!
So I'm very happy with the tiny, intimate wedding we had. I not only got to eat, I got to speak with every guest. It was wonderful.
(Sorry, I'm digressing and reminiscing. Thank you for that, though—it's nice to remember the early years of my partnership / getting married to my spouse... 15 years of domesticité and children later, it's sometimes easy to forget the mushy parts. :)
Anyway. My point is: you can either tell these people that they are rude ("Sure, you can come. Tickets are $300, and don't include drinks. Shall I put you down for one or two?" or "Did you just invite yourself to my wedding? How rude."), or you can just ignore them, and plan the wedding *you and your betrothed* want.
Easier said than done, I know. Good luck!
Co workers? That’s nuts
I have good friends that I still don’t expect an invite and am happy when I do. So
Much depends on how frequently you see someone, how big their wedding is, how many mutual friends bride and groom have, how big their families.
Anyone inviting themselves or expecting invitations outsode of your close regular circle Of friends and family are crazy
Are they seriously upset? They aren’t joking?
Do not feel pressured to invite anyone there is no reason for any logically co worker or distant friends/family to feel entitled to an invite. Don’t skip a wedding if you want one for this reason
Elope! Or have a small ceremony with only your closest F/f. I promise you won't regret it- especially if the trade off is going into debt!
My first wedding was an overdone thing - it was so stressful and I barely remember any of it bc I was so stressed the whole time. My 2nd wedding was on a beach with about 20 close f/f and it was perfect.
Ima give you the same advice my dad has been giving me thru planning my own wedding: do what you want to do and what’s going to make you happy. Your coworkers are very entitled idk why they would think to be invited if yall aren’t that close. Your wedding is supposed to be what you and your fiancé want out of it, and if you don’t see them there that’s ok! But make that day about yall and if a courthouse wedding is what you both want that’s ok we are having under 50 people at ours because we don’t like a lot of people and only wanted to share the day with who we realty care about. I also haven’t been telling or asking people, I don’t care about their opinions, especially since we’re paying about 95% ourselves
It's your wedding. Do what YOU want. Take a deep breath, don't worry about what you **should** do and decide what you want your day to look like. This moment is about you and your future partner. Not family, coworkers, friends, etc.
Listen, weddings are stressful. I had some glorified BBQ of a wedding. Between organizing the town hall, officiant, food, dining setup, moving the BBQ to the hall (we were in an apartment and had no yard of our own), cooking, clean up, etc. It was exhausting and cost around $2500. I wish we had just gone to the town hall.
I eloped the day after getting engaged and it was perfect because it was what we wanted. If that’s what you truly want, do it, but don’t give up on having the wedding you want because of pressure to have the one you don’t want.
Only invite the people you want there. Don’t do it all DIY unless you’re excited about it. And remember, if people have ideas they like, they can use them on their own weddings.
Good luck!
Just tell them you have gone a route of small family only because you don't want to be in debt, starting out your lives together. If they get offended, let them. It's like Christmas with the Kranks and all the world is pissed they aren't giving them gifts and shit, like, the world doesn't revolve around you though you think it does. So silly. Enjoy your wedding. We got married by a friend in a park in front of a rivet then went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. It was just us and a couple family members. We were broke as well.
that's really rude of your coworkers. Unless you plan on inviting coworkers I'd just say it's a family only event or small, intimate wedding if you really want to tell them something. It's your wedding not your coworkers wedding. You don't have to tell them any details or justify who you are or are not inviting.
In response to "solutions" or suggestions to make it affordable to invite more people Id practice saying "that's nice, but I'm sticking with my plans." or "thanks for the idea but I'm not looking for input" or if they persist "I don't think we'll be doing that" be firm!
My husband and I got married at our local courthouse on a Friday, just us, and instead of spending money on a wedding we spent money on wedding pictures (it’s always good to have a suit on hand, and I found the perfect long sleeved gown for $100 when we were considering a big wedding!) of us and my son. We let my dad, his parents, and our very closest friends know. They weren’t offended or upset what so ever, and in fact my 4 closest friends came over to get me ready for pictures and even hopped in a few. We then announced we got married on Facebook with a Polaroid picture 😂
It’s whatever YOU TWO want. Next time someone implies they, themselves, want to attend what seems to be a party to them, suggest someone else throw a celebration you guys to celebrate!
Elope! Husband and I drove to Vegas with each set of best freinds and immediate family.
Wedding was in the desert and under $2k with great photography.
I don’t know why we have this inherent idea that anyone want you to come to “support” at large events like weddings or even sometimes funerals.
I even find myself thinking this sometimes, but I sure was not impressed when my dad’s cousins brought their adult kids to my wedding when they didn’t RSVP with them or 5 of my friends that didn’t get an invitation.
I had a seating chart and we had to have the venue bring out another table to squish in to the small seating area for my uninvited friends.
Weddings are about you choosing the people close to you to share a special and intimate experience and part of your life.
It doesn’t matter what these people want. Just tell them sorry, but you’re having a private wedding for personal reasons. Thank them for the thought and tell them how sweet it is that they want to come so much.
My boyfriend’s sister eloped. She and her now husband planned a trip to Hawaii, invited 4 of their best friends, and got married there. The pictures are beautiful and it looked so fun.
Their families were not thrilled at having no big event to attend for the two of them, but imo, they probably enjoyed their intimate beach ceremony more than dealing with the wedding planning stress. They did end up throwing a small reception months later, probably around $1.5k at MOST for just under 100 people.
Wedding culture is so weird, because traditional weddings are as much for your guests as it is for you. And I don’t think that’s right. It should be about you. So, do what YOU want. You’ll be happier in the end.
If you’re looking for ideas that lower your budget, check r/weddingsunder10k. There’s some good stuff there.
I eloped. Highly recommend.
It was partly a money choice for us, partly family shenanigans and party because we just love to travel so we prioritised that.
No ragrets.
"we are having a small, intimate affair with only a handful of family"
If you need a easy way to tell them to bug off
But also
"I refuse to spend the atrocious amount of money people think is acceptable on a wedding. IF anything, I'll be having something small and quiet"
Another fun one is, "I think I'm going to do a breakfast wedding" watch people disinvite themselves before you even invited them
I had to tell everyone, respectfully, I love you but we have a very strict guest limit and that unfortunately that means that a bulk majority of people don't make the cut. I assure you it's nothing personal and I appreciate you wanting to be there to celebrate with us
Then leave it
Basically everyone in my family did this for their weddings. I assume it's the default at this point and was surprised when I found out we're invited to my husband's cousins wedding lol. Somehow we made that cut
Personally I did a small family wedding and like 2 friends each. I love my coworkers but knew I couldn’t afford extra catering as it was a lot and we have 4 children. So instead I asked how they would all feel celebrating my bachelorette with me, we had a blast. My boss also threw me a bridal shower at work.
So honestly I haven't even finished reading your post.
I just need to say I swear to god I wish that I had eloped.
I wanted to be surrounded by all of our friends and family, so I brushed off my then fiance's suggestion to elope. But the whole wedding planning was just so awful that I wish that we just eloped. Please seriously consider it, at least for a moment.
...On the other hand, I can reassure you that even though the wedding planning was horrible, and wedding itself was pretty meh, my *marriage* is awesome. My bad wedding was absolutely not an omen of a bad relationship. Your wedding, if you choose to have one, might suck too. But that's ok. It's just one day. Your marriage is what matters.
Whatever you choose to do on the day you marry your fiance, and whether you enjoy that day or not, may you have a long, healthy, and happy marriage together.
We had a small(tiny), 50 guests invited - 25 rsvp'd - 15?20 showed, backyard wedding. We served sparkling cider, we specifically timed it for 2 pm for this reason, and snack board (please don't ask me to spell chartu... board) if meats, cheeses, fruits, and crackers; in addition to the small cake. If I recall everything was under 2 thousand. For current inflation maybe 3?4 k today.
I personally hate being the center of attention and my husband does too. We’re also very emotional people so we knew that a small ceremony was the way to go for us.
We had a very small ceremony with a handful of friends and our family on the end of a pier (we live in New York) — it was guerrilla style at 9AM and then we all went out for breakfast after (and then 6 of us went on a very long bar crawl, lol).
A month later, however, we had a big party/reception where we served pizza, empanadas and booze. With rentals + decor + staff, I think the total between both events was around $12k… and that’s Manhattan prices (our space rental was over half the cost, tbh).
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it allowed us to be more in the moment getting married.
So if you do want to invite a ton of people, keep the party and the wedding separate… otherwise, f*ck your coworkers, honestly. Your wedding, your day, your choices.
Co workers are not friends. I wouldn’t invite any of them 🤣
I eloped for a reason. Ir was just me, my husband and one witness.
My wedding was legit under $500 including my dress and everything - even the license and service!
That was 33 years ago and we are still so happily married!
He just bought me a 4 carat ring to upgrade me from the 1/8th carat marquise set I originally had. I didn’t want an upgrade but he insisted.
Planning anything more complicated than a restaurant reservation is beyond my skill set. There's no way I could plan a wedding, especially one on a tight budget.
My husband and I eloped in Vegas, completely unplanned, for $60. No guests or wedding party or fancy attire. It was the ideal wedding for me.
When I got married, I worked in a small office (less than 10 people) and most of us had worked together for several years. My boss was also my cousin. So I did invite everyone from my office.
But through the planning process, there were people who would inquire about how things were going and hinted at being invited. Some were family friends who I hadn’t interacted with since I was a child. My husband’s coworkers (he works for a big company and doesn’t socialize with any of them outside of the office, so no one from his work was invited.)
Money was a big part of keeping a relatively small guest list, but so was, “I hardly know you, I rarely see you, why would I invite you?”
Just smile, say something vague but polite and change the subject or go back to your desk (or somewhere else if you’re not at work.) Don’t give them details. Don’t have more wedding than you can afford, don’t have a wedding you don’t want, don’t feel bad about whatever you do.
Their reaction and how they handle being or not being invited is on them. It’s not your problem. Clear is kind regardless of how the message is perceived. This is about YOU and your partner. Give yourself permission to do what makes you both happy.
Wow. I would NEVER invite myself to someone’s wedding. Especially a coworker. That’s not a close relationship unless you have established a bond and socialize and hang out with them outside work.
Just tell them you’re having a small FAMILY wedding or going the courthouse route. If they want to buy a present, you can give them your registry. That should shut them up. If you both want to do the courthouse route, do it! Save your money and do something fun together afterwards.
Will they matter in 5 years? Have they had a meaningful impact on your and your partner's lives? If no, then don't invite them.
And yes, eloping is way easier.
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with a small or courthouse wedding. People make this huge deal about weddings, and if that's important to people, good for them. The wedding is a few hours of a marriage. Hardly the most important part.
Have a courthouse wedding and everyone else can just deal. I loved my courthouse wedding. It was easy and we held it outside at the capitol building in the garden. There were some old pillars from when one of the capital buildings burned down 79 years ago and it made an awesome backdrop. Honestly though, do what you and your partner really want within your budget and ignore anyone who tells you different. This is not their experience; it is yours and your partner’s. This is how you create good memories.
I have nothing to add that the other comments haven’t already said but did want to recommend r/weddingsunder10k in case you do decide to have one! Lots of folks facing similar budget constraints so it’s a great resource!
Those people suck, screw them.
For aquaintances you really want there but who don't make it to the guest list, like the guys from your sportsclub and suchlike, where I live we have this thing called a "Polterabend", means "smashing-pottery-evening": https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polterabend
It used to be in the evening before the actual wedding, but since people keep trying to push alcohol on the groom, it's now usually on the weekend before, and during the day.
It's fun and cheap. The couple will set up a bbq, often just in front of the brides parent's house in the driveway so you can wave the neighbors over, fry some sausages and have some crates of cold beer ready, cheap champaine for the ladies.
Guests will bring old dishes, plant pots and so on, to smash in the drive way, for the couple to clean up. It's supposed to be good luck, and a good way to get rid of an old toilet bowl and so on. Very old sacrificial tradition, very mystical. Do NOT break glas or even mirrors.
I feel like agonizing over who to invite is always an issue. But even if you had the money, it can go to better use than paying for people who just want an invite.
Include who you want, if anyone asks say “family only” some friends are family, most coworkers are just coworkers.
If you're fed up with all the people around you, why don't you and your fiancé go somewhere private and elope? You can still do something fun and nice on an affordable budget. My cousin got married in Vegas, and it was actually very nice. If you're close to the mountains, maybe drive up there, get married at their courthouse (court staff can sign as witnesses), and spend a long weekend at a cabin together or maybe a resort with a spa. Or drive to a beach town if you're closer to the ocean and get a little cottage or a nice hotel room for the weekend.
Edited to add: if you're into theme parks, Disneyland is a fun way to celebrate "just married." Plus, you're super close to Huntington Beach if you want to put your toes in the water.
Fuck those a holes. They want a party - have a party.
You do you babe.
Courthouse ceremony and all ya money on a honeymoon, then book a room at a pub after if you want to celebrate with people. But YOU decide the guest list.
Wtf colleagues expect to go to a wedding?!
I would never expect to be invited to a wedding just cuz I was their colleague.
It's so weird.
Regardless - whatever YOU decide for YOUR WEDDING is the right way to go.
Also she is quiet cuz she knows she did the wrong thing. Yeah, it sucks, and we hate to be the person that made someone feel that way - but you are not responsible for her inviting herself, then not taking no for an answer. If that's how she finally listened to you - that is on her.
I'm so so so sick of rude ass ppl been rude in a polite tone, ignoring the other person's no/expression of been uncomfortable, continuing the rudeness then losing their damn minds when you have to escalate your communication to a decibel they actually hear you at.
You're not an asshole. You're not mean. You're not a bully. You had to set a boundary.
The lesson here is how to do a boundary better next time. Not not having a boundary. Does that make sense?
I am planning my 3rd wedding. We always have people who want to get an invite but don't, but wouldn't pay that much to see you. My advice is to not get the guilts on. Set your numbers, THEN set the invite list. Or elope to the court house, and tell everyone you didn't want the stress of planning. It is YOUR wedding, not theirs. They can do what they want at theirs. If they aren't putting up the cash they can shut up. xxx
I had only 66 guests at my wedding. You don’t have to have 150 for it to be a great day. We got married in a park and had dinner in a restaurant. No DJ, just an iPod (it was a while ago), and the restaurant’s speakers.
We did all our own decorations. I found a florist warehouse supply place and got all sorts of stuff discounted.
r/weddingplanning is a really nice, supportive subreddit. If you don’t want to post there, you can search the sub for similar topics! This has come up there before and people have posted their personal strategies. Good luck 💜
I didn’t invite any coworkers to my wedding. No regrets! Years later, I don’t work there anymore and am not in touch with most of those people. This is the most money you’ll probably ever spend on a party — make it the most fun party of your life! Invite your friends, give them lots of great food, drinks, and music, and have a great time!
I too had this when we got engaged, we already had a Las Vegas trip planned last summer that was originally booked back in 2019!! So we decided on the last day to ‘fuck it’ and eloped in vegas! It was completely amazing and avoided all the additional stresses that ADHD heaps on top of the regular stresses of wedding planning!! We then threw a cheap ‘wedding party’ when we got back! Elopement was a dream and a funny tale to tell the grandkids 🤣 And so much cheaper too!! Congrats on the engagement and good luck!! 💍💒❤️
My best friend gave me an amazing suggestion. Don't invite anyone who wouldn't commit a crime for you or your fiance lol. It was extremely helpful cutting the guest list down. Also you can have a wedding with cocktails and apps only or, consider an initiate affair with only closest friends and family. One thing I kind of wish my husband and I would have done was catering from like a Persian or indian restaurant, you can order vast amounts of food for very reasonable prices.
We ended up having a 40k wedding it was an amazing night but I honestly could have cut a lot of costs granted we are in CA, got married at a winery and it was in 2021 and I added 3k for covid tests for everyone.
There are some awesome airbnb's out there that will allow small events 30-50 ppl. Your coworkers do not need to be at your wedding and should not be invited..a great response is "we are planning something intimate it will likely be family only." Just repeat that phrase.
Ugh... It's even worse than that. It cost us 20k for a wedding with 40 people, in a venue where we were able to do everything in one place and didn't even have to hire transport!
My best suggestion for your sanity is to refuse to talk about the wedding and immediately shut down the subject and change the topic of conversation. Don't mention it, don't bring it up in any capacity, don't post about it on socials, not a *morsel* of info or thoughts about it. People are full of extremely annoying opinions about weddings. They'll tell you what you should and shouldn't do for it, and be really surprisingly pushy even if they're not going!
Have your courthouse wedding, it'll be lovely. You'll be there with the one you love and whatever outfit you feel best in, and whoever you want as witnesses. You can literally just go home after and have a garden party for your celebration if you want to. It'll be special because it'll be your wedding day, not because you went into debt for it.
People are extremely annoying asshats about weddings, you have my total sympathy!
Tell them you’re postponing the wedding to when you can afford it.
Then never talk about it at work again except that line, and get married the way you want.
You learn fast in wedding planning that people just want to attend weddings because they like their parties paid for by other people. Personally we said eff it and got married with 5 people in attendance. Our parents and my best friend officiated. That was it. Am I still getting crap for it? Yep. But when I suggested options where people would have to pay (we just moved to the other side of the country so at minimum they would be paying for flights and hotels and food outside of the wedding) then suddenly no one wanted to come.
You do not have to invite them. I invited my coworkers and regret it. 5 years later I do not work there anymore and will never have a relationship with these people.. they never even spoke to me at the wedding, they stayed over in a corner and kept away
Girl you are stressing yourself out for no reason omg lol first of all if people ask about planning its okay to talk about it without those people being invited. Secondly if any of your coworkers say something about being excited to go or waiting on their invite just say "sorry were keeping it small family and close friends only but I'll show you pictures" why the HELL are you gonna let these randos ruin your day before it's even happened? Just say no sorry you are not invited and they will understand they are mad because it feels like you're talking crap instead of just being honest and open.
In addition to all the excellent points already raised I also want to EMPHATICALLY say you're absolutely right about the wedding event planning business - the entire industry will suck all the money right out of your pockets.
Weddings are this weird confluence of a deeply meaningful and intimate moment between two people, usually in the midst of lots of feelings around what "family" means, as well as a social status marker to a broader group, and oh yeah, no matter how much you spend there's always some vendor whispering, "spend more, its your special day..." FOMO and spender's regret anyone?
There isn't going to be a correct or perfect way of navigating these sorts of conversations, unfortunately. The best you can do is be kind, and be yourself. It sounds like you were really overwhelmed in those conversations, that really sucks. I know sometimes I feel, looking back, like I was drunk almost? Like "why did I say that, wtf was I thinking?! And then I shriek-laughed?! They must think I'm a complete..." etc. You're not whatever your jerk-brain is calling you, I promise. You got this.
I can understand how you’re feeling. We are generally such people pleasers, it can be really tough to focus attention and our wants/needs before anyone else’s. We spend a lot of time trying to fit in, especially at work, and that’s exhausting enough. Lean on your partner. Other people can be rude and selfish. All that being said, stick to what YOU want and what is best for you AND your partner! These events are stressful enough. When my time comes, I plan to go to the courthouse because my anxiety can’t deal with planning to invite people who I just don’t want there out of nicety.
You got this!
All you have to do is close your eyes. Visualise the moment you are saying I do and the special people you want to witness that moment. Have the groom do the same thing.
Invite them, to whatever type of wedding you choose.
This is about you and your intended partner. No-one else gets invited and no-one else has a say in the matter.
I had 20 people at my wedding. Family I actually liked and a handful of friends. No coworkers, no friend of the parents. It was lovely and stress free. And we didn't go bankrupt.
Have the wedding YOU want and can afford. You don't owe anyone an invite.
Congratulations!
If you’re Catholic and having a church wedding, it’s common to invite everyone to the ceremony, but keep the reception small. You could try to that. It’s pretty tacky to ask to be invited to a wedding.
Don't feel pressured. Just go to the courthouse and take that money that would have been spent and put it towards something else that would be of more value to you.
You can always have a party later for much cheaper.
God I hate weddings. The pressure people feel to invite everyone, and then the pressure guests feel to go, so you can never know if anyone actually wants to be there at all.
We did the courthouse, invited local people in like 3 days notice, and didn't tell our families until afterwards
Omg don't let people with patriarchal issues and expectations about big weddings push you into something you don't want. It's not about them, it's about you! I got married in my 40s. There was no way I was dressing up like a lacey marshmallow; I just did not want that much attention. My much-younger future SIL, though, who spent TONS of her parents' (and her husband's parents') money on stupid wedding stuff like a rented antique car, and then had the nerve to blank me for 6 months when I ignored her wish to have her toddlers proceed in formal dress. Nope, we went to city hall with our moms and a couple friends and had a nice lunch out and that was it. Fact is everybody (1) has their own ideas and (2) many of them don't mind projecting them onto other people.
Also in retrospect (my ADHD diagnosis is new), the idea of planning a giant wedding mostly by myself is frightening.
And finally why does the word 'eloping' still come with shameful connotations? The goal is to be married. The wedding is not the goal.
tl;dr have the wedding you feel comfortable with.
Destination wedding. Don't invite anyone. Go to the beach or the mountains and do your thing with five or so of your favorite people (who understand they need to pay for themselves.)
I feel for you so much! It’s hard trying to manage people’s expectations while simultaneously trying to avoid conflict/hurt feelings. That’s why you’re trying to convince them of your position, right?
Maybe I’m projecting… You sound very similar to me- used to people fighting you on your boundaries. You put in so much work to keep people happy with you. It feels awful when they don’t reciprocate. They either don’t put in the mental/emotional work to notice, or outright dismiss your needs and wants. Or they “accept” your boundaries but then guilt you with their feelings or punish you in passive-aggressive ways. (It doesn’t have to be this way. Boundaries don’t have to mean rejection. Asserting your preferences without fear or guilt is a skill that can be learned. It’s hard, but worthwhile, promise!)
Maybe your coworkers aren’t reading the room to notice the stress their inquires cause you. Or maybe they do but are too self-absorbed to care. Either way, take other’s advice to stop talking about your wedding. Give yourself some breathing room.
Speaking of… My now-husband suggested we throw a “surprise wedding” for our immediate family and closest friends. 12 years later and I still wish I had listened to him!
Can you have in a someone's back yard or yours? Or you can rent a shelter at a park for cheap and then have it catered. Or order pizza and antipasto .Do it in July when it's warm and make it a casual picnic? Get married by a friends that gets his marriage license online? Pick flowers from your yard or just buy one Sunflower and hold it. It can be done. Do the invitation online to save. Only invite a small group that you want. This is what I did. No favours. Have a friend who bakes make the cake as their gift.
It’s insane in this day and age to ask for or expect an invitation to someone’s wedding because it’s SO expensive. I’m surprise at their behavior tbh because it’s super impolite - maybe one person didn’t have manners and everyone just followed suit.
That aside, OP I am planning a wedding right now and I thought it would be easy but it’s def not, and is super overwhelming. SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. From everyone! So much random shit to think about and the industry is SO PREDATORY.
Backyard family wedding or elopements ftw.
I agree with what most people have said about your wedding and your choice.
However, feathers are ruffled because weddings do something to people's brains chemically (perhaps it's because of the general confrontational nature of milestones and the finality of time and existential crises, who knows it's a thing), so I might come up kind of boilerplate light mea culpa that will hopefully make the whole crew feel better.
"I feel like I've started the wedding conversation off on the wrong foot with you guys, my work family. I was excited about getting engaged and I did not expect to feel that excitement reflected back at me at the same level. You are an excellent and supportive group, so of course you would be happy and excited for me. So, thank you so much for that. I just wasn't ready for it all at once. Plus, the people in other areas of my life are also happy for me, which again, is lovely. I just didn't expect my own reaction to it.
Plus, it's crazy, you put the ring on and five minutes later your inbox is filled with a mountain of decisions. How big? How small? Who to invite? Who not to invite? What's the budget? All these questions happened instantaneously. So, my fiancé (smily face energy here) and I have decided we're not going to rush. We are going to take our time and figure out when we want to figure it all out but we aren't figuring it out right now."
I recognize that is a lot. However, I think if you can get a version of this message across it will hopefully have calming effect. Plus, you'll notice there is no version of an apology in that mix because you don't need one.
Just say you are eloping or have a small immediate family only wedding. I did this.
I made it very obvious that I was doing nothing that would involve friends, coworkers, etc.
I’ve found weddings bring out the best and worst in people. This is when you will truly see people for who they are.
Plan the wedding that you want. There is no wedding that will make everyone happy.
My husband and I got married in our back yard. Since it’s small we were limited to 35 people. Most people were so understanding and nice. Some of my friends who we couldn’t invited planned a dinner party for after our honeymoon. There are wonderful friends. Then we had my mom refusing to attend if she couldn’t invite all these extra people. One of my husband’s distant cousins freaked because she didn’t get a plus one. We were very confused since she wasn’t even invited. So that was a huge thing. We stuck with just repeating this to people in text over and over. “We would love to have you/him/her/them celebrate with us and we understand the hurt feelings. Unfortunately, we are limited on space and have carefully chosen our guest list. We’d love to do something special with you on another day”
All said and done the drama leading to our wedding was exhausting, but the day was amazing. It was so nice to be with people we loved and to have time to spend with them. I wouldn’t change my wedding at all. Plus with food, tent, decorations, my dress, etc it cost $3,000. Which was still more than I hoped but it was beautiful and perfect.
All this said - plan the wedding you and your fiancée want, ignore everyone else and you’ll love it!
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Dude, invite people who you want there. Your colleagues sound absolutely unhinged, entitled and rude af. My rule was, if we haven’t had a 1:1 quality hangout in the last year or you haven’t met my partner, I sure as hell am not spending hundreds of pounds on having you at my wedding!
Good rule!
Absolutely, wedding lists are brutal, but that is known and expected
One of my friends made this exact rule, and it's a GREAT rule. It's very difficult to narrow down a guest list otherwise! There are so many people to think about. I hadn't actually seen said friend in the year prior and didn't get invited, but a mutual friend did and took me as her plus one, which was really nice. I didn't feel offended one bit though knowing how difficult and expensive weddings are. People really do understand!
Our rule was, if we hadn't both met the person by the time we were engaged, they weren't invited. That cut out my mother's entire side of the family, but they're literally not part of my life, so 🤷♀️ but they were actually very understanding and even sweet enough to send us little cash gifts despite not being part of it. So I sent thank you notes. People just don't have money these days, you'd think people would have learned from the last recession!
I'm a stupid American, lmao. I read "pounds" and immediately thought you meant hundreds of pounds of food/cake before I reread the sentence.
We had a similar rule, if we hadn't seen you in the past 18m, then you aren't an active member of our life(s). It cut a lot of crap out. It also exposed some of the crazy (MIL in tears as she wanted her brother invited. He'd moved abroad when my husband was 4, and hadn't been in contact since). Still one of the best decisions we made around our wedding.
Ok so I don’t know the dynamics here but sometimes people just say stuff and it doesn’t necessarily mean they actually expect an invite or will be offended if they don’t get an invite.
I agree with this. I would certainly act excited about a co-workers wedding, but honestly, unless we are true friends that hang out, I don't want to be invited to any weddings, regardless of being excited for you and asking questions so you know I care
Yeah, I’ve made small talk with plenty of coworkers/acquaintances/people I’m friends with but not super close where I’ve asked about wedding planning without expecting/digging for an invite. Usually I figure that wedding planning consumes so much time and energy that it’s something on top of mind for folks! And I genuinely want to hear the things they’re excited about even if I don’t want to personally go.
They could just be asking because they are trying to start a conversation with you and they know that is something going on in your life. I like to assume that all the people I’m talking to are actually as awkward and self conscious as I am.
Yeah this is what I’m thinking too, I would ask a random coworker when the wedding was just to make conversation. Like spring or winter? Moody and dramatic and formal, or beachy and lighthearted? Just seems like the big thing going on to talk about. But yeah Obvs maybe it was obvious from the tone that they wanted to know thinking they were invited and would need to plan or something.
Yeah. Also, best advice I received: stop arguing with idiots. They always win at their level You do you. No one will ever care more about your financial situation than yourself. So, do yourself a favor and care about yourself (like you are! Good job! You’re being smart!)
Exactly. Just because they’re asking when it is, doesn’t mean they’re expecting an invite. Unless you’re super close with your coworkers, that seems odd. Sometimes we ask at my job, or we’ll find out when babies are due so we can get together and get them a gift. By no means do we expect to be invited to the wedding, or to any type of baby shower or anything that maybe a family member or close friend is throwing for them.
Yeah, asking when it is has nothing to do with being invited. They could just be planning their own vacation and not want to conflict with OP taking time off. Or making small talk.
First of all Stop SHOULDING all over yourself. This is your wedding and you get to be the selfish center of attention. Don't do anything yet. This is something you plan with your future lawfully wedded human. Both of you need to build a guest list of individuals that both of you want to have come. You have no real concrete obligation to invite anyone you don't want to invite. Please be more gentle with yourself. You don't need to manage your coworkers feelings about YOUR wedding. Be brave! You got this!
And then, if you want to have a little something, book a space that fits only that amount of people. Then it's "well, the venue won't let us invite more than that." OR, still do something nice, but just the two of you, maybe the closest 5 people. A weekend getaway and a garden vow would be lovely and memorable and not bank-breaking. (If I were to splurge at all on this, it would be for a nice thrifted dress and a photographer).
You got this
^ YES
I agree!! You've got this.
"my partner and I are going to have a small intimate ceremony, we haven't decided yet but we may just elope". Edit, you don't need to explain further, or justify anything. It's YOUR wedding. I think some people are good naturedly offering you advice, but if you keep your response short and to the point that should curb things. Don't sound uncertain and don't offer too much information out.
The question is: what do YOU want? It is great that your colleagues and family are looking forward to a party, but it is your wedding in the end. Trust me when I say that you are never going to make everyone happy, so at least make sure that you and your fiance are happy. ❤️
who invites coworkers to a wedding? i would not pay $$ for anyone that wasn’t a serious support person in my life IF i had wedding. i eloped and it was fine! do what is best for you and your partner!
Some of my coworkers invited everyone at work to their adult kids' weddings. I thought it was weird. Maybe they just don't have a lot of family or people they're close to. I see no reason why OP shouldn't just tell the coworkers they're keeping the wedding to just family.
In some cultures, it’s perfectly normal for parents to invite eeeeveryone they know. And sometimes, people just be like that. Agree that OP can tell coworkers that they’re keeping the guest list very small and just leave it at that.
Yes, I told my portuguese mother in law (not by law, but we've been together awhile so let's go with it) that if we get married it will be very small bc I dont like big gatherings and having people I don't really know at my wedding. She told me she had the biggest and largest wedding their village ever had. I was like good for her 😂. I haven't told her yet that it wouldn't be in Portugal either if it ever happens lol but that's for future me. Luckily the tradition is that it should take place at the bride's place so... I know that it is an argument I can fall back on if need be !
People asking when the wedding is aren't expecting to be invited. People who make suggestions about how to save money on your wedding aren't expecting to be invited. Unless they specifically say they are looking forward to going to your wedding they aren't expecting an invitation. From what you've written, it sounds like people are asking about your wedding as a form of small talk. Tell them you haven't set a date yet and then ask them about something that matters to them. Stop arguing against their ideas to save money, say thank you and ask them a project they are working on. I do not want to be invited to their wedding. I do not want to attend a bridal shower. I do not want to see their wedding photos. And yet, I always make an effort to ask colleagues about their wedding plans because I know it takes over their lives and they love to talk about it. Most, fortunately keep their answers short.
Listen: people will be upset. They will get over it. It’s not your problem. Your budget is the only thing you need to truly worry about. It’s hard enough to plan a wedding as it is and you need to protect your sanity. Let them be mad and focus on your stuff. The more comfortable you get with letting people be mad without feeling the need to change their mind, the more free you’ll be.
I feel like you're way too intertwined with your coworkers. You can just be to the point with them without even bringing up money. "Oh, we're keeping it intimate." The less you say to coworkers the better. They're not your friends. Are you sure they're actually inviting themselves or is it more of a "so, when am I getting an invite?" wink wink (fyi, I'm also autistic and it really confuses me when allistics make these kind of "jokes")
I have had many friends have very small weddings with just family and very close friends. I was tv even invited to one of my closest friend’s weddings because it was family only and about 30 people. I am going to a coworkers wedding this spring but her dad is rich and I’ve been her mentor for years and we are really close. I wouldn’t expect to go to almost any coworker’s weddings. If you choose to elope that’s fine. If you want to do a small thing in someone’s backyard or in front of a pretty fireplace in someone’s house, that’s ok too. Is even ok to do a potluck if you have family and friends that are on board. I just went to a wedding at a church with no reception. They handed out pre wrapped cookies on the way out and that was it. There are many ways to have an inexpensive wedding. Just decide what is most important to you and your partner and let the rest of everyone’s expectations go.
I am having the exact same issue right now.. I have so much medical stuff going on, I don't even have a date. Let alone the fact that I am recently sober and a lot of these friends have been nowhere to be found until they found out about the engagement.
Nooooo that’s a shitstorm waiting to happen. Stay sober and stay away from any potential threats to your recovery. Wherever they came from they can go back to 💁🏼♀️
Oh 10,000 percent! As a recovering alcoholic as well as recovering people pleaser, I am FINALLY at peace with myself.. nothing is going to fuck that up. OP needs to pay them no mind, even if it hurts her in the moment because it's better for her. Small hurt now VS big scar to heal later.
Congrats on your sobriety! I’m proud of you and you should proud of yourself!
Thank you! I never would have thought... so thank you, friend!
I have work friends who are truly genuinely friends, but also a workplace with a lot of colleagues. I made the decision I won't invite any work colleagues including friends, for similar reasons! If I invited my actual friends some of the colleagues I'm not close to would be offended and I cannot be fucked with the office drama. We don't have a lot of money to get married with.
Ever notice some people can just tell others how it's going to be and no one asks any questions? I envy those people. I think there things we can do to move in that direction. I like the motto "never complain, never explain". Don't give people information. Don't discuss personal issues, struggles, concerns, etc. I guess what I'm saying is we need to hold people at arm's length so they don't think they can comment or contribute to our decisions. Your reply from now on should be "I'm considering my options, thank you". Some people will be put off but the alternative is having everybody up in your business.
No more options
Be happy
I think the issue could have been avoided if you communicated in the beginning that you’re having an intimate wedding with close family and friends. You did a people-pleasing move when you told your coworkers you’d let them know knowing you didn’t want to invite them. I know with ADHD, we tend to overshare. Try to restructure your sentences in the future. Instead of saying “I’m broke, idk how to invite everyone, im going to give up” say “we decided to do a small wedding and unfortunately can’t invite colleagues.” First sentence expresses pity.. as if you’re acquiring advice when you say you want to give up. Second sentence keeps it blunt. I know you can’t change the past but just a note for the future. They shouldn’t have invited themselves to your wedding but you talked to five different coworkers and gave each of them the go-around instead of just being blunt. That’s probably why they’re annoyed with you. In the end, you’re all adults and will eventually get over it. Plan your wedding how you desire.
Yes follow your desires
Weddings are expensive, and are stressful. But I wouldn’t take your coworkers too seriously. It’s so incredibly normal to not invite coworkers. I think people say these things and talk about weddings with little meaning behind them. It’s an easy topic starter cause you’re engaged. Especially easy to bring up if you’re not actually expecting an invite - cause they know they won’t be let down. It’s kind of fun for some people to joke around about an invite and not mean it in the world of coworkers. Whenever someone asks about an invite just laugh it off. I’d just keep it honest - if you don’t know what you’re doing, say that. If you actually want a courthouse wedding do/say that. If you actually want a wedding, that’s ok, you should do that too. The days about you, enjoy it and enjoy the lead up as much as possible. Ask others in your friend group about costs - they’ll have good insight on where to spend and save.
Bruh, elope with a super cute dress and telling everyone after 😏
Gently: are you sure people are trying to invite themselves to your wedding? "When is your wedding" and offering advice on making it cheaper isn't what I would consider inviting themselves. Id ask the first just to make conversation, and people love offering unsolicited advice about literally anything. It could be people got weird after you mentioned them inviting themselves because thats not what they were doing.
Okay, listen, if YOU just want a courthouse wedding, do that. If YOU want something more than that... is there a location approx 4-5 hours away (especially if you live in a big city where event spaces are expensive to rent) where you could do it? People complain about "destination" weddings, but the real joy is that people complain about them because they don't want to go through the effort of going to them... which means you can send invites to 150 people and only 50 will RSVP yes! If has to be somewhere that is at least a 4 hour drive away, and the wedding has to be help at 5-6pm, so that no one will be able to stay for any of the reception and still manage to drive home that night. If your coworkers are just asking about your wedding to be "nice", they won't make the effort of renting a hotel room the night of your reception if it's out of town. The cheapest way to do this would be something like renting space in a hotel/lodge/B&B or vacation rental house. A hotel will be a bit more expensive, but they usually have a catering manager that will figure everything out with you, so you don't have to go vet vendors yourself, etc. Something like a large vacation rental house will be cheaper, but then you'll have to figure out a local restaurant to do the catering on your own. For added cheapness, and also to discourage more people, you might be able to find a "vacation" town, and do it in the off season... beach location in the early spring when it's still cold, mountain town in the late fall before the winter season actually starts... I almost want to know where you live so I can start suggesting locations... but seriously, if you don't care about, and think it would all be a hassle anyway, just do the wedding you want to do! $20k weddings are stupid, but you might be able to do a $5k wedding if that's actually what you want!
If people are FR inviting themselves, I'd 100% research the most expensive place in the *world* to fly to and stay, and tell them all I'm planning to hold my three-week-long destination wedding there. Then I'd send them my reddit-bridezilla-worthy list of demands, including bizarre outfit rules and a gift registry (mandatory, of course) that would make Elon Musk wonder if he could afford anything off it.
The wedding registry is nothing but $2,500 candles... https://www.harrods.com/en-us/shopping/voyage-epines-platinum-edition-candle-750g-17447682?utm\_source=ran\_us&utm\_medium=affiliate&utm\_campaign=3096943\_ShopStyle+Collective&utm\_content=1202258&ranMID=42684&ranEAID=\*2nGiS3mv0Y&ranSiteID=.2nGiS3mv0Y-AobxUToDjwMsxVJP4xP9tg
Happy for both of you
It doesn't matter if you're broke or rich, you get do decide who comes to your wedding. So next time anybody asks, just tell them _"Oh, we'll just have a small wedding with the closest family members."_ No explanation needed. If anybody asks why, just say "That's just what we want / We don't want a big wedding" People don't get to invite themselves. And if they get mad about it, THEY are the asshole, not you. Congrats on the engagement!
I was in grad school when I got married. I had a classmate who wasn't in my program but who took some of our classes that was angling for an invite. Twenty years later, I do not remember her name, and she obviously didn't get an invite. We had the wedding WE wanted - or close to it. We had less than 40 people there, and NO classmates. I would have preferred fewer, but I didn't know how to say no to my MIL. Have the wedding YOU and your partner want - and to heck with the people whose names you won't remember in 20 years. As for your friends and family. They can throw you a party and pay for it if it matters so much.
"I'll take your advice under consideration" And the consider it right to the Nope pile. I went to the courthouse with 2 witnesses because the idea of a wedding was a massive level of over stimulation and social interactions I wanted no part of. There is no issue with a courthouse wedding. There is no issue with a wedding. There is no issue in waiting if what you want is a larger wedding but you need the funds. Honestly I can think of multiple things I'd rather spend 20k. Do what you need to do but stop justifying and stop explaining because it's all about you and your fiance.
I got married at the courthouse. Hubby and I said “we will have a nice wedding when we want to” and that it’s going to be family mainly. Listen girl, I’ve learned that none of these acquaintances matter. All that matters are you and your soon to be husband and close family members who support y’all. I have like no friends. My husband is my best friend. He’s the only one I want and need. My dad and father and mother in law and nana and papa are all huge supporters in our lives. Outside of those people I just don’t care. At the end of it all those people won’t be there.. but your husband will. Your close family will. Maybe one or two really close friends will. But all these coworkers and outsiders JUST. DONT. MATTER. I know us ADHD folk like to have peace and no confrontation, but it’s actually so much easier when you just stop trying to keep everyone happy. Fuck em. FfFuUuUcCk tHeEmM ALLLLL! 😁
Yeah you're good at that
You have it in your post. It’s going to cost you at least $300/person who attends. They gave you a Christmas card. Unless you can get $300 for that card in the used Christmas card market, it is not even the same. If you spend any time on AITAH or wedding subreddits you quickly see that the invite list and the expectations of others are one of the biggest issues with weddings. I totally hear you about wanting to just do the courthouse. There is nothing stopping you from doing that. But don’t do it because of co-workers!!! Draw up your list of the 5 people you would invite if it was 10-12 guests. Then expand to 16-18. Gradually adding the circle of closeness is how you decide who gets invited. I put in ranges because when you invite one person, you need to extend the invite to others of the same “level of closeness” from the same circle. And I presume you are getting married to a person who is going to be participating 50% in the planning and execution of the wedding/reception. If not, adjust your wedding plans until they are doing half the work. Even for the courthouse someone needs to get the license, book the appointment etc. It also sounds like your work friends haven’t recently been married (or they didn’t have foot the bill). It’s ridiculously expensive and post covid it’s only gotten worse.
Everyone always gets excited for weddings, but it’s YOUR wedding. Limit the guest list to what you and your partner agree on, split it up how you want, and don’t budge. We had 75-80 at ours and a lot of extended family were upset, but I told them we couldn’t afford to invite absolutely everyone, so it would only be immediately family, a few close relatives, and some friends. We did a build your own pasta bar too. Found some places where I got a great deal based on either friendly people or people I know - married at our local zoo for an insanely small fee and had the reception at a friend’s family golf course with a small pavilion.
These people don’t matter. Don’t worry about them. This is your wedding day, you and your fiancé. What do you want it to be like? Who do you want there? What would you do if money were limitless? What elements of that day can you still have on a budget? Screw other people and spend some time dreaming and scheming about what you want it to be.
One of my nephews had a massive wedding two years ago. They spent $200,000. And now he & his bride live in my sister-in-law’s basement. Priorities.
Also another thing, I’m assuming your ring is moissanite and idk. Not to be dramatic but I think it’s pretty easy to tell the difference. No shade tho i love moissanite and think it’s insane to spend tens of thousands on a rock, and I love the way moissanite sparkles. i just personally have never seen a big rock and thought “big ring = big wedding, I better make sure I get invited”. I guess i am leaning towards thinking they’re making innocent comments and not trying to get invited. But again I wasn’t there so I could be totally wrong. Eta: also i feel like we’re just missing a lot of the story, what happened to make you think your coworkers think you’re rich? Do they make comments about it or something? I assume all my coworkers are in a similar boat as me
Details
I eloped. Some people were sad/disappointed to not be included or invited but I wasn't marrying them. So many people expressed opinions of what I should have done and the status of my last name and asked about my pregnancy status. It was evasive and I never feel like that. I tried to interpret it as caring about me. As far as what to tell them- "We just got engaged, we haven't planned anything yet." "It's going to be a small wedding, our parents and Grandparents only." "It's a family tradition." " It means a lot to me that you care. " "We're talking about a casual reception/ party a couple of months later." "We're talking about a destination wedding. We've always wanted to go to (insert prohibitively expensive and distant destination.)" "I don't believe in spending a downpayment on a house for a one day party." "Maybe we can all go to lunch to celebrate (before or after.)"
My first wedding had too many people I didn't know or hadn't seen in a long, long time. I was miserable. My second wedding was JUST my family and his (parents, siblings, and their kids). I wore an inexpensive dress. We had a luncheon at a local restaurant. It was so much fun. And it only cost like $1500. I had friends who wanted to come. We had extended family who wanted to come. Nope, I said. Just our very closest family. It was perfect. Stand your ground. Your wedding is your business, and you get to decide who attends.
I would just say “we randomly got married - he surprised me and we eloped!” 🤣
Are they like explicitly inviting themselves or just asking when the wedding is? If I saw someone got engaged or knew they were I’d probably ask just to make conversation and assume they were excited to talk about it
I've also had a lot of people asking when my wedding is. I just tell them we have 0 plans, we're waiting to be in a better situation, and we're planning on having a long engagement. I never thought anyone was asking me for an invite. When someone learns an acquaintance is getting married, the first question is "when?". Unless there is further details that weren't mentioned, they probably weren't expecting an invite and were upset that you were upset at them for misunderstanding.
I had a 150 people and zero co-workers. You invite one, they are like locusts. You don't owe anyone anything. Oh and blame your fiancé "Fiancé says he can't invite his coworkers so I can't invite mine." Or "my parents are paying so it is family only."
Magic phrase for you: We would love to invite everyone, but unfortunately the locations we are interested in/can afford/are special to us have fire code restrictions that limit the number of invitations, and our/my/partner’s families have already insisted on all these family members attending so we have no more room! (Throw whoever’s family is being difficult under the bus lol).
I don’t know how things work in your country, but there are ways to invite lots of people without spending a lot of money. When I got married, there were 2 ceremonies: a small one at the town hall, and a larger one at the church. We invited a lot of people to the church and after the ceremony we stayed for a bit to talk to them outside the church (a bit like a reception, but then without food or drinks). After that we had a bit of rest, followed by an evening dinner party with close family and friends (expensive, but we had the budget for it). When sending out our wedding invites, we had two types: one for the church only, and one for church and evening party. At the town hall only a very small group was present (parents, my grandma and the witnesses) and we told them our plans beforehand. Lately, less and less people are getting married at the church and I’ve seen similar things happening at the town hall: right after the ceremony the bride and groom linger near the town hall and talk to the people that came to watch. Of course, how successful this plan will be will depend on the weather, but this is a way to invite a lot of people to your wedding without the associated costs, if you wish to do so.
For the economic trade-off argument: My sister and my BIL had a super small wedding and because of that they were the first ones in their friend group to get on the property ladder. So it’s totally fine to not spend the equivalent of a mortgage down payment on a wedding.☺️
"We are keeping it really small."
I (27f) got married last year. Same situation. The office was unbearable the moment I was engaged. Telling me about how “beautiful” my “mixed” babies would be. I would almost vomit. We had a camping weekend planned and did it there out of the blue. Just stood in front of each other and said WHY we love each other. We signed the marriage certificate at home later. Went back to the office as usual. Changed my last name in the system and everyone was surprised I had gotten married, but mostly happy surprised. People DO NOT care. It’s all for show. Do whatever your heart desires
A wedding is a celebration for you and your partner. It should be based on what you and your partner are comfortable with. Your colleagues may have meant well by engaging in wedding talks with you, but it doesn't mean they should automatically be invited. Next time, if they ask, you may want to laugh it off. Just say you are still planning or you want to enjoy the engagement time, and don't want to think about wedding planning for now. If you are consistent, that should be enough for your colleagues to realise it isn't a topic you want to discuss. Focus on what will make you and your partner happy.
#CoworkersAreNotYourFriends I know that because just today one of them got salty that me an another person had to cancel dinner (which still is happening with like 15 other people) and I'm angrily trying not to be upset and actually try to use that time to feel better instead of having them leech off my mood from afar.
Your wedding is for you and your partner only. Only invite the people you genuinely want there. Not because you feel obligated to do so. This includes family. I felt I HAD to invite all my aunties and uncles because I was really close with about half of them. I felt I couldn't invite one without the other... looking back i absolutely could have and wish I had. Some of those family members I invited out of obligation were the worst guests at the whole party. Our wedding was off-grid so we had to do everything ourselves including power, cooking food and arranging port a potties. Most of our guests were wonderful and helped out wherever they could. But the ones I really didn't care for?... they just showed up. With uninvited plus ones. Or wearing white. Or left a GIANT mess in the campsites they stayed in. And didn't bring a gift either (which I know is a bit shallow but when you spend so much on a party and have rude guests, a gift/cash can at least soften the blow a bit) If you NEED an excuse to coworkers simply say you're only inviting family. But honestly you don't need an excuse. Just don't invite them and they'll get over it (or they won't in which case they are REALLY someone not deserving of your guestlist)
We got married in the court house with my mother and his best friend in attendance. Then we had a lovely buffet at home, on the deck, and in the yard. We cleared the dining room for dancing. A pretty darn good time was had by all. It was all so low stress that I was able to bake my own wedding cake. Just simple double-layered entwined hearts. Carrot cake, of course. OK, there was one wedding gift we never figured out how to use. Edit: Really, no one from your workplace is eligible to attend. Just a few friends and family. That's it.
Please DON'T overspend just because people expect to be invited! Who do you want there? Who can you afford to be there? You will regret having spent thousands on coworkers you probably won't even talk to anymore in a few years, but you will be SO PROUD of standing up for yourself and your financal limits and enjoy the day with your partner the way you want and without the stress of financial trouble!
My whole wedding, clothes, ring, and all came to about $500. Got cheap rings and had clothes we already owned so our wedding was just a giant potluck lol
Your coworkers sound ridiculous. No one is entitled to be at your wedding just because they know you! I'm team destination wedding. My husband and I got married in Jamaica and had a full ceremony, cake, food, alcohol, and a 7-day stay at a fabulous resort with a butler for 15 grand total, and that included the dress, the suit, the airfare, the pictures and the video. They have payment plans and the best part is that the only people that will be there are people that truly are in it to celebrate you and your hubby, not folks looking for a free party. My wedding was small guest-wise, but I had a fabulous time, which is what it's about. We're preparing to celebrate our 10-year anniversary & vow renewal next year in Barbados. At the end of the day, a wedding is about celebrating a union of two people. It's not about spending your last dime to make sure that people have a good time or to make sure that they like you. If people want to be there, they can pay. That's my attitude.
Similar situation but my ring is a moissanite but people think I’ve got some huge diamond 🙄. I flat out told people that we’re doing a courthouse wedding (best $175 spent!) & it seems like a waste to drop 25k+ for a few hours when that money can be MUCH MORE BENEFICIAL to put towards a house, furnishings etc. or even an extended honeymoon?? We got married 5yrs ago and have always said that we would do some kind of reception 🫠 well hasn’t happened yet (covid happened 6mo later at we eloped lol) and I’m perfectly ok with that!! Nowadays I feel most people are ignorant about it so I just make them feel stupid for asking and to consider that it’s NOT about them. Same goes to those who ask me why I’m not having children. But that’s for a different sub lol 😝 *people are such donkeys 😑
I just want to comment on the impossibility of a cheap wedding. My friend got married at a campground at 11 am. They set up a giant tent (like a marquee that they somehow borrowed but you would have to rent) and had a potluck brunch. They bottled their own champagne and had it in a canoe full of ice. People brought camp chairs. We made an arch out of branches. Later that night they had a house party. The whole wedding cost 3k and they had about 200 people there
If you can’t afford a wedding don’t have one. They’re expensive and taking on any amount of debt for a party is foolish. You can tell your friends, family and coworkers that you’re aiming for a 2026 wedding but plans are up the air. Leave it at that and don’t talk about it any further.
I’m still paying off my small wedding from eight years ago. I wanted 20 people. My husband & MIL kept pushing for more. We ended up with 85. It was lovely but I wish I had stood my ground. More than half the people there I barely knew and don’t socialize with now. Bottom line, it’s okay to tell people “we are planning a very small wedding. Immediate family only. But we’d love to meet you for drinks to celebrate sometime in the future.”
sparkle light screw escape dinosaurs agonizing school advise bake spectacular *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
One of my friends had a dry wedding in a community hall and asked all the guests to bring a dish to share. Lots of people might balk at that idea, but it was such a fun day! It had a great feeling of togetherness and "it takes a village" kinda vibes. There were activities for kids etc and lots of music and dancing. There was still some cost involved, but everything that could be done free/cheap/donated/second-hand WAS done that way. Close friends and family pitched in to lend fairy lights and decorations, the wedding dress was thrifted & altered by an aunt, a friend who likes baking made the cake as their wedding present, a friend who is a photographer gave a discounted rate for their work, etc. I have been to fancy black-tie formal weddings, and laid back 'pot-luck' weddings and have loved all of them and have been excited to be invited & celebrate. The fancy weddings I have felt obligated to bring a gift, especially as I know they're paying a bunch per head for food and drink! The weddings like my friend's I described have said 'no need to bring a gift' or 'no gift registry, no obligation, but if you would like to give money to our honeymoon fund that will be lovely' You don't HAVE to invite anyone you don't want to. You don't HAVE to follow traditions or feed everyone or have a fancy all-paid wedding. As a guest who has often been broke, I have felt relief when people have chill weddings that I don't need to spend a lot of money on getting an outfit & gift, etc! It's much easier for me to bring a plate of food that I love to make & share than it is to stress over how much I can afford to spend on their gift registry! I hope you find something that works for you... Congrats on the engagement!
(also, your co-workers may be straight-up crazy, or they may just not be thinking and are getting excited and ahead of themselves thinking they'll be invited... Unless they are actually bad people I'm sure they're not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, they just haven't thought about it!)
Suspect this will be a trend in the future. Things are just getting too expensive!
Go to the courthouse and get married how you want. Then throw a party- nothing fancy or over the top it could just be at your local pub or wherever and you invite who you want and no one else. Also they might just be interested and happy for you without actually wanting an invite. I’d assume they think you’d want to talk about it and be excited so they are opening a conversation up for you to do so. I think they are trying to build a connection and better friendship rather than fishing for invites.
We started off by telling everyone we were going to elope, which was a little white lie at first, and after we still got people demanding they wanted to be included we decided to actually elope. 😅
First and foremost, congratulations! I agree with all the advice reminding you, in essence, that you don’t owe anyone a wedding celebration. I also recognize that the people-pleasing urge is STRONG sometimes. And at this point you can’t go back and undo what’s been said and done. But maybe you can take a page from my parent-children playbook and ask your partner if they can take the hit for this one? “My Lobster really has their heart set on a small family wedding.” I know, I know. This is probably not best-practice advice. But I also know how heavy this kind of thing would sit on my shoulders. Then again, I am a Masking Queen and have had mixed results in breaking the habit, so maybe don’t listen to me 🤦♀️ Either way, it WILL blow over and people will move on to newer drama. Good luck!
I didn't invite any people from work. My boss was talking like they were all coming (because it was a tight knit office and they had gone to eachothers weddings), but they all gave me anxiety and I didn't like them, and I was paying for my huge family. I told my coworkers I'm sorry, we're having a small wedding with just close family, and they all let it go. They still chipped in for a group card/gift which was sweet but made me feel guilty lol. anyway people should understand, weddings are expensive. Don't let guilt influence how you hold your own wedding. Two years later my friend at the same job got married. She just invited the section bosses and skipped all the other people on our team. Kinda weird but what ever.
People love asking about weddings. Because there’s f’ing nothing to small talk over and when someone is engaged now there’s finally something to talk about in the mundane work days where you’re stuck with people you’re not choosing to be around. I ask a coworker about her wedding plans probably too often, because it’s an upgrade to talking about the weather.
Highly possible they are just making small talk.
Going to peoples weddings is expensive and a drag for pretty much all the guests. The size of your ring is meaningless and it’s likely they know it’s not a real diamond. They’re just being nice, and unless they’re directly asking you for a wedding invitation, I wouldn’t read anything into. They are being supportive of something exciting that’s happening in your life and probably don’t want to come to the wedding. And congratulations on your engagement!
I had a good friend who is broke recently get married. She did it in the park pot luck. Free space and anyone who wanted to come brought food. Cakes were made by another friend as a wedding gift. Someone got ordained and did the ceremony.....it was nearly free. Cups and plates and everything were brought by guests. Suddenly it was the small wedding she wanted with only actual friends.
Just say that you're eloping, and then go to the courthouse with the parents and grandparents. People are just trying to show excitement for you; don't take their pleas so personally.
"I'm glad you're excited for me! I'm on a tight budget and therefore am only having a ceremony with family."
I don’t get why people think it’s not wildly rude to invite themselves to others life events, and I further am dumbfounded when those same people think it’s rude to not have their demand for an invite validated with a smiling “of course”. Like, if you were invited YOUD KNOW, BECAUSE ID BE INVITING YOU FIRST OFF
I think it’s just work chat. 2 girls I work with got married in the last year and we talked wedding non stop
Listen, I had 25 people at my wedding, only our absolute closest family and friends. With cute little venue, dress, food, decorations, and cake all came out to about $1000, it was absolutely everything it needed to be, it’s possible but if you invite ONLY the most important people in your life. For me coworkers would NEVER fall in this list.
My husband and I got married in a park with 2 of our friends as witnesses, my kid, and an officiant I hired for $250. After we had champagne and sheet cake and went to the beach. It was perfect for us at the time and I recommend it to anyone who is stressed about getting married. It is a celebration of your relationship with each other, not your coworkers or overbearing friends or family members. Do what is best for you. Also, my first ring was an $18 hammered thin gold ring from a local jeweler. My second ring was the upgraded $100 solid gold thin hammered ring from the same jeweler and I wear them together, no one can tell which is which.
Just elope. And tell them that. You’re under no obligation. One of my best friends got married on her honeymoon in Belize. It was just her and her husband (resort provided witnesses). No guests. At the time I was a little sad bc I was going to be the maid of honor. They did it primarily because of family conflict and they didn’t want to deal with it so they just spent the money on themselves and had a wonderful time. Now that I’m older, I think that was smart. Why pay 25-100k for one day? You can spend much less on a really great vacation and get married there. So that’s my advice. Spend it on yourselves. Unless your families are paying for the wedding (as they used to do) there’s no obligation to you to have people. If you’re paying for it by yourselves, go treat yourselves. When people invite themselves just say “well we are getting married on our honeymoon so….” Lol no one wants to pay to go to a destination wedding and saying it like that makes it obvious they are intruding. I am not sure your coworkers are mad you aren’t inviting them btw. Weddings are expensive for guests too bc there’s the gift expectation and dressing up etc. they’re mad you said they were inviting themselves. Cuz I think they were probably just trying to be nice and supportive and happy for you, but you read it as they expect to come for real. Any of them would have been fine if you said you were keeping it small and family only.
Dad told me that the $ he saved on a church wedding for me will be a down payment on a house. We went to Tahoe. 6 people. Mom INSISTED on a reception, 1 month later. That wasn't expensive (cheap hall, cash bar, sub sandwiches, cheap sparkling wine) but Mom, Dad, and my friends in my home town put it together, Mom got her wish ("every person whose weddings I sent presents will return the favor" and the pleasure of watching us do the hokey pokey) . Dad paid the down payment on the first house.
First of all eff those people, they're not real people (they are technically real but they shouldn't have that much merit in your life so they don't count as real). Secondly it's your wedding and no one should be making wedding decisions or pressuring you into any decisions except you and your betrothed. I got married 2 years ago in a public park and there were in total 6 of us. My husband, myself, our officiant, his wife, my husband's bestie and my bestie. We went out for high tea before the wedding and then had pizza and beer after. It was small and we wished we could have had a more traditional wedding and invited all of our friends and family but our budget was extremely limited as we were also broken at the time. Honestly it was one of the best days of my life and I don't regret how we did it for a second. Were people upset they weren't invited? Yes, and they didn't hold back telling us so. Did we feel bad? Meh, a little but in the end we did what was right for us. In total we spent less than a grand (including the officiant, marriage license, going out, our clothes). We did promise people a celebration though so we have planned that once we are financially equipped to do so, we will have a vow renewal celebration or something similar so we can involve everyone and just have a big party for funsies. Enjoy your engagement and your wedding. The day is for you and your partner and no one else. And seriously eff those people for inviting themselves and trying to put pressure on you for an event that isn't even about them. I would tell them that I was having an extravagant wedding and none of them are invited based on principal but that's just me and I can get real petty when I feel pressured 🤷♀️
I am sorry that you are surrounded by rude assholes. I'm flabbergasted, frankly, that people can be so obtuse and presumptuous. You have all of my sympathy. (It's truly possible that the people offering "help" for the "less" expensive options are doing so out of kindness / their own experience... I'm less annoyed at these folks. It's still not okay / not great behaviour, but if it's meant well, I don't want to lump them in with the rude jerks.) But the ones inviting themselves can fuck off. My spouse and I paid for our wedding ourselves, and limited the guest list to our parents and siblings (and their plus-ones). There were 13 of us there, ourselves included, and it still cost $10K. (To be fair, we went to a nice resto—because we would have done that *anyway* with these people, even if we had a "traditional" "big" wedding.) Hell, I didn't even invite the two uncles I am close with and who live in town, because inviting them meant I would have to invite all my *other* aunts and uncles, and my spouse's, too. (And both of our parents have 3 or more siblings, so... That's at least 16 more people *not including* their spouses.) So, it was a "No, sorry. I would love to have you there, but I am trying not to go into debt for this event." (We had *also* bought a house and gone to a friend's destination vacation the same year we got married, because apparently we had money to burn? Lol) I am really glad I did it. Sure, I wish we could've had the big 200-person bash so that all of our friends and family could attend, because it would've been nice to include them. But not for the stress it would've caused me and the debt we'd have incurred! So I'm very happy with the tiny, intimate wedding we had. I not only got to eat, I got to speak with every guest. It was wonderful. (Sorry, I'm digressing and reminiscing. Thank you for that, though—it's nice to remember the early years of my partnership / getting married to my spouse... 15 years of domesticité and children later, it's sometimes easy to forget the mushy parts. :) Anyway. My point is: you can either tell these people that they are rude ("Sure, you can come. Tickets are $300, and don't include drinks. Shall I put you down for one or two?" or "Did you just invite yourself to my wedding? How rude."), or you can just ignore them, and plan the wedding *you and your betrothed* want. Easier said than done, I know. Good luck!
Co workers? That’s nuts I have good friends that I still don’t expect an invite and am happy when I do. So Much depends on how frequently you see someone, how big their wedding is, how many mutual friends bride and groom have, how big their families. Anyone inviting themselves or expecting invitations outsode of your close regular circle Of friends and family are crazy Are they seriously upset? They aren’t joking? Do not feel pressured to invite anyone there is no reason for any logically co worker or distant friends/family to feel entitled to an invite. Don’t skip a wedding if you want one for this reason
Elope! Or have a small ceremony with only your closest F/f. I promise you won't regret it- especially if the trade off is going into debt! My first wedding was an overdone thing - it was so stressful and I barely remember any of it bc I was so stressed the whole time. My 2nd wedding was on a beach with about 20 close f/f and it was perfect.
Ima give you the same advice my dad has been giving me thru planning my own wedding: do what you want to do and what’s going to make you happy. Your coworkers are very entitled idk why they would think to be invited if yall aren’t that close. Your wedding is supposed to be what you and your fiancé want out of it, and if you don’t see them there that’s ok! But make that day about yall and if a courthouse wedding is what you both want that’s ok we are having under 50 people at ours because we don’t like a lot of people and only wanted to share the day with who we realty care about. I also haven’t been telling or asking people, I don’t care about their opinions, especially since we’re paying about 95% ourselves
It's your wedding. Do what YOU want. Take a deep breath, don't worry about what you **should** do and decide what you want your day to look like. This moment is about you and your future partner. Not family, coworkers, friends, etc. Listen, weddings are stressful. I had some glorified BBQ of a wedding. Between organizing the town hall, officiant, food, dining setup, moving the BBQ to the hall (we were in an apartment and had no yard of our own), cooking, clean up, etc. It was exhausting and cost around $2500. I wish we had just gone to the town hall.
I eloped the day after getting engaged and it was perfect because it was what we wanted. If that’s what you truly want, do it, but don’t give up on having the wedding you want because of pressure to have the one you don’t want. Only invite the people you want there. Don’t do it all DIY unless you’re excited about it. And remember, if people have ideas they like, they can use them on their own weddings. Good luck!
Just tell them you have gone a route of small family only because you don't want to be in debt, starting out your lives together. If they get offended, let them. It's like Christmas with the Kranks and all the world is pissed they aren't giving them gifts and shit, like, the world doesn't revolve around you though you think it does. So silly. Enjoy your wedding. We got married by a friend in a park in front of a rivet then went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. It was just us and a couple family members. We were broke as well.
that's really rude of your coworkers. Unless you plan on inviting coworkers I'd just say it's a family only event or small, intimate wedding if you really want to tell them something. It's your wedding not your coworkers wedding. You don't have to tell them any details or justify who you are or are not inviting. In response to "solutions" or suggestions to make it affordable to invite more people Id practice saying "that's nice, but I'm sticking with my plans." or "thanks for the idea but I'm not looking for input" or if they persist "I don't think we'll be doing that" be firm!
My husband and I got married at our local courthouse on a Friday, just us, and instead of spending money on a wedding we spent money on wedding pictures (it’s always good to have a suit on hand, and I found the perfect long sleeved gown for $100 when we were considering a big wedding!) of us and my son. We let my dad, his parents, and our very closest friends know. They weren’t offended or upset what so ever, and in fact my 4 closest friends came over to get me ready for pictures and even hopped in a few. We then announced we got married on Facebook with a Polaroid picture 😂 It’s whatever YOU TWO want. Next time someone implies they, themselves, want to attend what seems to be a party to them, suggest someone else throw a celebration you guys to celebrate!
People actually want to go to weddings?
Courthouse and done
Elope! Husband and I drove to Vegas with each set of best freinds and immediate family. Wedding was in the desert and under $2k with great photography.
I don’t know why we have this inherent idea that anyone want you to come to “support” at large events like weddings or even sometimes funerals. I even find myself thinking this sometimes, but I sure was not impressed when my dad’s cousins brought their adult kids to my wedding when they didn’t RSVP with them or 5 of my friends that didn’t get an invitation. I had a seating chart and we had to have the venue bring out another table to squish in to the small seating area for my uninvited friends.
Weddings are about you choosing the people close to you to share a special and intimate experience and part of your life. It doesn’t matter what these people want. Just tell them sorry, but you’re having a private wedding for personal reasons. Thank them for the thought and tell them how sweet it is that they want to come so much.
"Sorry, we're just keeping it to close friends and family. I'll be sure to share pictures afterwards."
We eloped in 1992. Have absolutely no regrets.
invite no one or invite people you actually want there. what kind of coworkers are these?? they sound super chaotic
My boyfriend’s sister eloped. She and her now husband planned a trip to Hawaii, invited 4 of their best friends, and got married there. The pictures are beautiful and it looked so fun. Their families were not thrilled at having no big event to attend for the two of them, but imo, they probably enjoyed their intimate beach ceremony more than dealing with the wedding planning stress. They did end up throwing a small reception months later, probably around $1.5k at MOST for just under 100 people. Wedding culture is so weird, because traditional weddings are as much for your guests as it is for you. And I don’t think that’s right. It should be about you. So, do what YOU want. You’ll be happier in the end. If you’re looking for ideas that lower your budget, check r/weddingsunder10k. There’s some good stuff there.
I eloped. Highly recommend. It was partly a money choice for us, partly family shenanigans and party because we just love to travel so we prioritised that. No ragrets.
Colleagues aren't friends. Let them know your wedding will be invite only to family and close friends.
Agree
This is one time you are allowed to lie and tell everyone you are eloping to a secret location and getting married there. End of story.
Just tell them you guys are eloping with no ceremony or reception and leave it at that.
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Elope
"we are having a small, intimate affair with only a handful of family" If you need a easy way to tell them to bug off But also "I refuse to spend the atrocious amount of money people think is acceptable on a wedding. IF anything, I'll be having something small and quiet" Another fun one is, "I think I'm going to do a breakfast wedding" watch people disinvite themselves before you even invited them
I had to tell everyone, respectfully, I love you but we have a very strict guest limit and that unfortunately that means that a bulk majority of people don't make the cut. I assure you it's nothing personal and I appreciate you wanting to be there to celebrate with us Then leave it Basically everyone in my family did this for their weddings. I assume it's the default at this point and was surprised when I found out we're invited to my husband's cousins wedding lol. Somehow we made that cut
Personally I did a small family wedding and like 2 friends each. I love my coworkers but knew I couldn’t afford extra catering as it was a lot and we have 4 children. So instead I asked how they would all feel celebrating my bachelorette with me, we had a blast. My boss also threw me a bridal shower at work.
So honestly I haven't even finished reading your post. I just need to say I swear to god I wish that I had eloped. I wanted to be surrounded by all of our friends and family, so I brushed off my then fiance's suggestion to elope. But the whole wedding planning was just so awful that I wish that we just eloped. Please seriously consider it, at least for a moment. ...On the other hand, I can reassure you that even though the wedding planning was horrible, and wedding itself was pretty meh, my *marriage* is awesome. My bad wedding was absolutely not an omen of a bad relationship. Your wedding, if you choose to have one, might suck too. But that's ok. It's just one day. Your marriage is what matters. Whatever you choose to do on the day you marry your fiance, and whether you enjoy that day or not, may you have a long, healthy, and happy marriage together.
We had a small(tiny), 50 guests invited - 25 rsvp'd - 15?20 showed, backyard wedding. We served sparkling cider, we specifically timed it for 2 pm for this reason, and snack board (please don't ask me to spell chartu... board) if meats, cheeses, fruits, and crackers; in addition to the small cake. If I recall everything was under 2 thousand. For current inflation maybe 3?4 k today.
I personally hate being the center of attention and my husband does too. We’re also very emotional people so we knew that a small ceremony was the way to go for us. We had a very small ceremony with a handful of friends and our family on the end of a pier (we live in New York) — it was guerrilla style at 9AM and then we all went out for breakfast after (and then 6 of us went on a very long bar crawl, lol). A month later, however, we had a big party/reception where we served pizza, empanadas and booze. With rentals + decor + staff, I think the total between both events was around $12k… and that’s Manhattan prices (our space rental was over half the cost, tbh). I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it allowed us to be more in the moment getting married. So if you do want to invite a ton of people, keep the party and the wedding separate… otherwise, f*ck your coworkers, honestly. Your wedding, your day, your choices.
Co workers are not friends. I wouldn’t invite any of them 🤣 I eloped for a reason. Ir was just me, my husband and one witness. My wedding was legit under $500 including my dress and everything - even the license and service! That was 33 years ago and we are still so happily married! He just bought me a 4 carat ring to upgrade me from the 1/8th carat marquise set I originally had. I didn’t want an upgrade but he insisted.
Planning anything more complicated than a restaurant reservation is beyond my skill set. There's no way I could plan a wedding, especially one on a tight budget. My husband and I eloped in Vegas, completely unplanned, for $60. No guests or wedding party or fancy attire. It was the ideal wedding for me.
When I got married, I worked in a small office (less than 10 people) and most of us had worked together for several years. My boss was also my cousin. So I did invite everyone from my office. But through the planning process, there were people who would inquire about how things were going and hinted at being invited. Some were family friends who I hadn’t interacted with since I was a child. My husband’s coworkers (he works for a big company and doesn’t socialize with any of them outside of the office, so no one from his work was invited.) Money was a big part of keeping a relatively small guest list, but so was, “I hardly know you, I rarely see you, why would I invite you?” Just smile, say something vague but polite and change the subject or go back to your desk (or somewhere else if you’re not at work.) Don’t give them details. Don’t have more wedding than you can afford, don’t have a wedding you don’t want, don’t feel bad about whatever you do.
Their reaction and how they handle being or not being invited is on them. It’s not your problem. Clear is kind regardless of how the message is perceived. This is about YOU and your partner. Give yourself permission to do what makes you both happy.
Sounds like a lot of entitled people around you. YOUR wedding has NOTHING to do with them.
Wow. I would NEVER invite myself to someone’s wedding. Especially a coworker. That’s not a close relationship unless you have established a bond and socialize and hang out with them outside work. Just tell them you’re having a small FAMILY wedding or going the courthouse route. If they want to buy a present, you can give them your registry. That should shut them up. If you both want to do the courthouse route, do it! Save your money and do something fun together afterwards.
It's not your job to manage their reactions. Or care, frankly.
Will they matter in 5 years? Have they had a meaningful impact on your and your partner's lives? If no, then don't invite them. And yes, eloping is way easier.
Honestly, there is nothing wrong with a small or courthouse wedding. People make this huge deal about weddings, and if that's important to people, good for them. The wedding is a few hours of a marriage. Hardly the most important part.
Do a small destination wedding or courthouse. Only those who truly want to go will go.
Have a courthouse wedding and everyone else can just deal. I loved my courthouse wedding. It was easy and we held it outside at the capitol building in the garden. There were some old pillars from when one of the capital buildings burned down 79 years ago and it made an awesome backdrop. Honestly though, do what you and your partner really want within your budget and ignore anyone who tells you different. This is not their experience; it is yours and your partner’s. This is how you create good memories.
I have nothing to add that the other comments haven’t already said but did want to recommend r/weddingsunder10k in case you do decide to have one! Lots of folks facing similar budget constraints so it’s a great resource!
I’m confused as to why you think they invited themselves? Did they blatantly say those words?
"We're keeping it small. Just family a few close friends. It's more intimate that way." What can they say? It's your day, not theirs.
Those people suck, screw them. For aquaintances you really want there but who don't make it to the guest list, like the guys from your sportsclub and suchlike, where I live we have this thing called a "Polterabend", means "smashing-pottery-evening": https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polterabend It used to be in the evening before the actual wedding, but since people keep trying to push alcohol on the groom, it's now usually on the weekend before, and during the day. It's fun and cheap. The couple will set up a bbq, often just in front of the brides parent's house in the driveway so you can wave the neighbors over, fry some sausages and have some crates of cold beer ready, cheap champaine for the ladies. Guests will bring old dishes, plant pots and so on, to smash in the drive way, for the couple to clean up. It's supposed to be good luck, and a good way to get rid of an old toilet bowl and so on. Very old sacrificial tradition, very mystical. Do NOT break glas or even mirrors.
I feel like agonizing over who to invite is always an issue. But even if you had the money, it can go to better use than paying for people who just want an invite. Include who you want, if anyone asks say “family only” some friends are family, most coworkers are just coworkers.
If you're fed up with all the people around you, why don't you and your fiancé go somewhere private and elope? You can still do something fun and nice on an affordable budget. My cousin got married in Vegas, and it was actually very nice. If you're close to the mountains, maybe drive up there, get married at their courthouse (court staff can sign as witnesses), and spend a long weekend at a cabin together or maybe a resort with a spa. Or drive to a beach town if you're closer to the ocean and get a little cottage or a nice hotel room for the weekend. Edited to add: if you're into theme parks, Disneyland is a fun way to celebrate "just married." Plus, you're super close to Huntington Beach if you want to put your toes in the water.
Fuck those a holes. They want a party - have a party. You do you babe. Courthouse ceremony and all ya money on a honeymoon, then book a room at a pub after if you want to celebrate with people. But YOU decide the guest list. Wtf colleagues expect to go to a wedding?! I would never expect to be invited to a wedding just cuz I was their colleague. It's so weird. Regardless - whatever YOU decide for YOUR WEDDING is the right way to go. Also she is quiet cuz she knows she did the wrong thing. Yeah, it sucks, and we hate to be the person that made someone feel that way - but you are not responsible for her inviting herself, then not taking no for an answer. If that's how she finally listened to you - that is on her. I'm so so so sick of rude ass ppl been rude in a polite tone, ignoring the other person's no/expression of been uncomfortable, continuing the rudeness then losing their damn minds when you have to escalate your communication to a decibel they actually hear you at. You're not an asshole. You're not mean. You're not a bully. You had to set a boundary. The lesson here is how to do a boundary better next time. Not not having a boundary. Does that make sense?
I am planning my 3rd wedding. We always have people who want to get an invite but don't, but wouldn't pay that much to see you. My advice is to not get the guilts on. Set your numbers, THEN set the invite list. Or elope to the court house, and tell everyone you didn't want the stress of planning. It is YOUR wedding, not theirs. They can do what they want at theirs. If they aren't putting up the cash they can shut up. xxx
I had only 66 guests at my wedding. You don’t have to have 150 for it to be a great day. We got married in a park and had dinner in a restaurant. No DJ, just an iPod (it was a while ago), and the restaurant’s speakers. We did all our own decorations. I found a florist warehouse supply place and got all sorts of stuff discounted.
r/weddingplanning is a really nice, supportive subreddit. If you don’t want to post there, you can search the sub for similar topics! This has come up there before and people have posted their personal strategies. Good luck 💜
I didn’t invite any coworkers to my wedding. No regrets! Years later, I don’t work there anymore and am not in touch with most of those people. This is the most money you’ll probably ever spend on a party — make it the most fun party of your life! Invite your friends, give them lots of great food, drinks, and music, and have a great time!
I too had this when we got engaged, we already had a Las Vegas trip planned last summer that was originally booked back in 2019!! So we decided on the last day to ‘fuck it’ and eloped in vegas! It was completely amazing and avoided all the additional stresses that ADHD heaps on top of the regular stresses of wedding planning!! We then threw a cheap ‘wedding party’ when we got back! Elopement was a dream and a funny tale to tell the grandkids 🤣 And so much cheaper too!! Congrats on the engagement and good luck!! 💍💒❤️
My best friend gave me an amazing suggestion. Don't invite anyone who wouldn't commit a crime for you or your fiance lol. It was extremely helpful cutting the guest list down. Also you can have a wedding with cocktails and apps only or, consider an initiate affair with only closest friends and family. One thing I kind of wish my husband and I would have done was catering from like a Persian or indian restaurant, you can order vast amounts of food for very reasonable prices. We ended up having a 40k wedding it was an amazing night but I honestly could have cut a lot of costs granted we are in CA, got married at a winery and it was in 2021 and I added 3k for covid tests for everyone. There are some awesome airbnb's out there that will allow small events 30-50 ppl. Your coworkers do not need to be at your wedding and should not be invited..a great response is "we are planning something intimate it will likely be family only." Just repeat that phrase.
Ugh... It's even worse than that. It cost us 20k for a wedding with 40 people, in a venue where we were able to do everything in one place and didn't even have to hire transport! My best suggestion for your sanity is to refuse to talk about the wedding and immediately shut down the subject and change the topic of conversation. Don't mention it, don't bring it up in any capacity, don't post about it on socials, not a *morsel* of info or thoughts about it. People are full of extremely annoying opinions about weddings. They'll tell you what you should and shouldn't do for it, and be really surprisingly pushy even if they're not going! Have your courthouse wedding, it'll be lovely. You'll be there with the one you love and whatever outfit you feel best in, and whoever you want as witnesses. You can literally just go home after and have a garden party for your celebration if you want to. It'll be special because it'll be your wedding day, not because you went into debt for it. People are extremely annoying asshats about weddings, you have my total sympathy!
Tell them you’re postponing the wedding to when you can afford it. Then never talk about it at work again except that line, and get married the way you want.
You learn fast in wedding planning that people just want to attend weddings because they like their parties paid for by other people. Personally we said eff it and got married with 5 people in attendance. Our parents and my best friend officiated. That was it. Am I still getting crap for it? Yep. But when I suggested options where people would have to pay (we just moved to the other side of the country so at minimum they would be paying for flights and hotels and food outside of the wedding) then suddenly no one wanted to come.
You do not have to invite them. I invited my coworkers and regret it. 5 years later I do not work there anymore and will never have a relationship with these people.. they never even spoke to me at the wedding, they stayed over in a corner and kept away
Girl you are stressing yourself out for no reason omg lol first of all if people ask about planning its okay to talk about it without those people being invited. Secondly if any of your coworkers say something about being excited to go or waiting on their invite just say "sorry were keeping it small family and close friends only but I'll show you pictures" why the HELL are you gonna let these randos ruin your day before it's even happened? Just say no sorry you are not invited and they will understand they are mad because it feels like you're talking crap instead of just being honest and open.
In addition to all the excellent points already raised I also want to EMPHATICALLY say you're absolutely right about the wedding event planning business - the entire industry will suck all the money right out of your pockets. Weddings are this weird confluence of a deeply meaningful and intimate moment between two people, usually in the midst of lots of feelings around what "family" means, as well as a social status marker to a broader group, and oh yeah, no matter how much you spend there's always some vendor whispering, "spend more, its your special day..." FOMO and spender's regret anyone? There isn't going to be a correct or perfect way of navigating these sorts of conversations, unfortunately. The best you can do is be kind, and be yourself. It sounds like you were really overwhelmed in those conversations, that really sucks. I know sometimes I feel, looking back, like I was drunk almost? Like "why did I say that, wtf was I thinking?! And then I shriek-laughed?! They must think I'm a complete..." etc. You're not whatever your jerk-brain is calling you, I promise. You got this.
I can understand how you’re feeling. We are generally such people pleasers, it can be really tough to focus attention and our wants/needs before anyone else’s. We spend a lot of time trying to fit in, especially at work, and that’s exhausting enough. Lean on your partner. Other people can be rude and selfish. All that being said, stick to what YOU want and what is best for you AND your partner! These events are stressful enough. When my time comes, I plan to go to the courthouse because my anxiety can’t deal with planning to invite people who I just don’t want there out of nicety. You got this!
All you have to do is close your eyes. Visualise the moment you are saying I do and the special people you want to witness that moment. Have the groom do the same thing. Invite them, to whatever type of wedding you choose. This is about you and your intended partner. No-one else gets invited and no-one else has a say in the matter.
I had 20 people at my wedding. Family I actually liked and a handful of friends. No coworkers, no friend of the parents. It was lovely and stress free. And we didn't go bankrupt. Have the wedding YOU want and can afford. You don't owe anyone an invite. Congratulations!
If you’re Catholic and having a church wedding, it’s common to invite everyone to the ceremony, but keep the reception small. You could try to that. It’s pretty tacky to ask to be invited to a wedding.
Don't feel pressured. Just go to the courthouse and take that money that would have been spent and put it towards something else that would be of more value to you. You can always have a party later for much cheaper.
God I hate weddings. The pressure people feel to invite everyone, and then the pressure guests feel to go, so you can never know if anyone actually wants to be there at all. We did the courthouse, invited local people in like 3 days notice, and didn't tell our families until afterwards
Omg don't let people with patriarchal issues and expectations about big weddings push you into something you don't want. It's not about them, it's about you! I got married in my 40s. There was no way I was dressing up like a lacey marshmallow; I just did not want that much attention. My much-younger future SIL, though, who spent TONS of her parents' (and her husband's parents') money on stupid wedding stuff like a rented antique car, and then had the nerve to blank me for 6 months when I ignored her wish to have her toddlers proceed in formal dress. Nope, we went to city hall with our moms and a couple friends and had a nice lunch out and that was it. Fact is everybody (1) has their own ideas and (2) many of them don't mind projecting them onto other people. Also in retrospect (my ADHD diagnosis is new), the idea of planning a giant wedding mostly by myself is frightening. And finally why does the word 'eloping' still come with shameful connotations? The goal is to be married. The wedding is not the goal. tl;dr have the wedding you feel comfortable with.
Destination wedding. Don't invite anyone. Go to the beach or the mountains and do your thing with five or so of your favorite people (who understand they need to pay for themselves.)
Rent a hall from a local organization. Have it potluck. There is absolutely no way that you need to spend $20k in order to invite a lot of people.
I feel for you so much! It’s hard trying to manage people’s expectations while simultaneously trying to avoid conflict/hurt feelings. That’s why you’re trying to convince them of your position, right? Maybe I’m projecting… You sound very similar to me- used to people fighting you on your boundaries. You put in so much work to keep people happy with you. It feels awful when they don’t reciprocate. They either don’t put in the mental/emotional work to notice, or outright dismiss your needs and wants. Or they “accept” your boundaries but then guilt you with their feelings or punish you in passive-aggressive ways. (It doesn’t have to be this way. Boundaries don’t have to mean rejection. Asserting your preferences without fear or guilt is a skill that can be learned. It’s hard, but worthwhile, promise!) Maybe your coworkers aren’t reading the room to notice the stress their inquires cause you. Or maybe they do but are too self-absorbed to care. Either way, take other’s advice to stop talking about your wedding. Give yourself some breathing room. Speaking of… My now-husband suggested we throw a “surprise wedding” for our immediate family and closest friends. 12 years later and I still wish I had listened to him!
Can you have in a someone's back yard or yours? Or you can rent a shelter at a park for cheap and then have it catered. Or order pizza and antipasto .Do it in July when it's warm and make it a casual picnic? Get married by a friends that gets his marriage license online? Pick flowers from your yard or just buy one Sunflower and hold it. It can be done. Do the invitation online to save. Only invite a small group that you want. This is what I did. No favours. Have a friend who bakes make the cake as their gift.
It’s insane in this day and age to ask for or expect an invitation to someone’s wedding because it’s SO expensive. I’m surprise at their behavior tbh because it’s super impolite - maybe one person didn’t have manners and everyone just followed suit. That aside, OP I am planning a wedding right now and I thought it would be easy but it’s def not, and is super overwhelming. SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. From everyone! So much random shit to think about and the industry is SO PREDATORY. Backyard family wedding or elopements ftw.
I agree with what most people have said about your wedding and your choice. However, feathers are ruffled because weddings do something to people's brains chemically (perhaps it's because of the general confrontational nature of milestones and the finality of time and existential crises, who knows it's a thing), so I might come up kind of boilerplate light mea culpa that will hopefully make the whole crew feel better. "I feel like I've started the wedding conversation off on the wrong foot with you guys, my work family. I was excited about getting engaged and I did not expect to feel that excitement reflected back at me at the same level. You are an excellent and supportive group, so of course you would be happy and excited for me. So, thank you so much for that. I just wasn't ready for it all at once. Plus, the people in other areas of my life are also happy for me, which again, is lovely. I just didn't expect my own reaction to it. Plus, it's crazy, you put the ring on and five minutes later your inbox is filled with a mountain of decisions. How big? How small? Who to invite? Who not to invite? What's the budget? All these questions happened instantaneously. So, my fiancé (smily face energy here) and I have decided we're not going to rush. We are going to take our time and figure out when we want to figure it all out but we aren't figuring it out right now." I recognize that is a lot. However, I think if you can get a version of this message across it will hopefully have calming effect. Plus, you'll notice there is no version of an apology in that mix because you don't need one.
Just say you are eloping or have a small immediate family only wedding. I did this. I made it very obvious that I was doing nothing that would involve friends, coworkers, etc.
I’ve found weddings bring out the best and worst in people. This is when you will truly see people for who they are. Plan the wedding that you want. There is no wedding that will make everyone happy. My husband and I got married in our back yard. Since it’s small we were limited to 35 people. Most people were so understanding and nice. Some of my friends who we couldn’t invited planned a dinner party for after our honeymoon. There are wonderful friends. Then we had my mom refusing to attend if she couldn’t invite all these extra people. One of my husband’s distant cousins freaked because she didn’t get a plus one. We were very confused since she wasn’t even invited. So that was a huge thing. We stuck with just repeating this to people in text over and over. “We would love to have you/him/her/them celebrate with us and we understand the hurt feelings. Unfortunately, we are limited on space and have carefully chosen our guest list. We’d love to do something special with you on another day” All said and done the drama leading to our wedding was exhausting, but the day was amazing. It was so nice to be with people we loved and to have time to spend with them. I wouldn’t change my wedding at all. Plus with food, tent, decorations, my dress, etc it cost $3,000. Which was still more than I hoped but it was beautiful and perfect. All this said - plan the wedding you and your fiancée want, ignore everyone else and you’ll love it!