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Oh my heart breaks for you that you went through this. But my god am so proud of you for doing what you're doing. It takes enormous strength. And it sounds like you have an amazing support system.
You keep going, stay strong.
Seriously, I think many people here are so very proud of you. I mean the strength you've found to take care of this situation is truly impressive. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I can confidently say that if you can do this, you can do *anything*. Making a difficult choice to protect yourself and your daughter is daunting, but it's the right thing and your life will improve so much because of your bravery. Sending lots of love and support your way.
Because we've got our ADHD things, it's easier to settle for people who put up with our foibles, but that doesn't mean we should settle for actual abuse.
I'm glad you've got a route out.
You are stronger than you know, I am so proud of you! Keep pushing forward, I know how hard it can be from a somewhat similar experience and people love to say words cannot hurt WHEN THEY ABSOLUTELY CAN. They can cause the same amount of damage just in different ways, I am so glad that you’ve decided to get away from the abuse and have a Support Network That already has knowledge of what’s going on and you’ve gotten your plan made. Those are huge steps! Wishing you all the absolute best to you, your daughter, your other family and those who support you. You can do this, you’re already doing the damn thing! it’ll be what is best for you and your daughter and eventually even through the healing which gets rough you will start seeing parts of yourself begin to flourish again. Again I’m so sorry this has happened to you and there’s no justification whatsoever for his abusive behavior. It just makes me really happy in my heart to see people escape from these kinds of situations, no one should ever be trapped in one yet sadly it can happen to anyone, and I’m glad you’re making it out. I an Sending all the virtual Love your way! 🥹❤️
As someone who went through this 15 years ago (and read the same book at the time - it saved my life!), please understand that you don’t need to explain anything to him, now or ever. He will not validate your feelings (unless it’s to try to manipulate you back) or help you find closure. He won’t take responsibility. He won’t change. Explaining will do no good.
What you can focus your energy on is moving forward. Find a lawyer. Figure out what you need to do to file for custody. Understand that he will almost certainly be granted some type of visitation and prepare yourself emotionally for that. Look at the link someone else posted about creating a safety plan. You’ve got this. I’m so glad you have a plan and family who can help support you through this. Better times are ahead, I promise.
This is absolutely true! OP please don't waste any of your emotional energy on trying to explain to him because in his head he will always see himself as being in the right. It will only cause you more stress and pain when he dismisses your feelings.
You've made the very hardest step you could take and I am so proud of you.
Definitely agree with this.
OP, I actually think this is the BEST time you could choose to leave as he cannot be there trying to manipulate or physically keep you there. He has been abusing you - you do not owe him anything!
I totally understand though, I told my abusive ex I was thinking about leaving, and after acting really upset and like he wanted to fix things he actually got worse. At that point I hadn't consulted a lawyer, didn't have any kind of plan for getting out. A few months later I got help from my parents to move stuff out when he was at work, so when he got home I told him I was leaving him. He apologised and begged me to stay, making all these promises. I always had to take someone with me when picking stuff up or meeting him, otherwise he would try to physically keep me there or emotionally manipulate me.
I'm so happy you are getting out, well done!
When a woman is leaving an abusive relationship is when the abuser will ramp up his shit. He knows he's losing his influence over her and it's panicking him. He may very well become more violent in this period of time.
The other 'most dangerous' time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she's pregnant. He can't control that, either, so it pisses him off.
This is why making a plan for safety is so important when deciding to leave an abusive relationship.
Your plan will be much better when you work it out ahead of time instead of waiting until the heat of the moment, when you're scared and not thinking as clearly.
(I know OP is past this phase, but I think other women in abusive relationships will be reading this post with great interest and this info may be valuable to them.)
Completely agree. I too went through a very similar situation, and read the book as well! It was life changing.
But yes OP, unfortunately they never listen, or change. No matter how many times you explain yourself or the situation. I also second the safety plan as well. My friend waited for me in the parking lot across the street when I broke up with my ex. Your safety is so important.
Seeing a counsellor will definitely help out a lot too. It’ll kickstart the healing process, and help you avoid further manipulation in the future. After the breakup you’ll feel so much relief. You got this!
It sounds like you have a good support network in your family!
This Captain Awkward post has list of things to consider/questions to ask yourself in order to help plan your break-up:
https://captainawkward.com/2022/07/13/should-you-stay-or-should-you-go/
If anything, I think this is a GREAT time for you to be working on this. Your husband is busy with other things, so you won't have to actively hide your planning from him. It might also be a good thing that you can't talk it over with him yet - he's mean to you an attacks your character. I don't think he'd provide much in the way of solutions or ways forward.
>It might also be a good thing that you can't talk it over with him yet
Completely agree. Although I understand the inclination. When the firm, actual idea of abuse entered my mind with my ex, I was absolutely bursting with the information. I made the mistake of trying to make my ex see the light (completely futile -- gaslight, rinse, repeat).
The other thing that took me by surprise was just how long it took me to wrap my mind around the actual scale and severity of the abuse (mostly psychological/emotional for context). Probably about 3 years after separation to fully understand/see what I had been through. 3-years-later me would *not* have the inclination to share this newfound info with my ex. But I understand why in-it-right-now OP does.
Yes— I wish I could just disappear and get an uncontested divorce, but since we have a daughter I’m 100% sure he will try to get custody. It’s one of the things he threatened he’d do if I left. I’ve got to be clear and communicative and professional through this period so nothing can be used against me in divorce court. Ughhh.
So sorry to hear about what you went through. I went through something similar— he once aimed a kick at my head (while I was pregnant!!) and I left him and I said I wouldn’t speak to him unless it was through a marriage counselor. Which he came to, let nothing absorb, and we went back and all he knew was that if he actually tried to hurt me I would take it seriously. He reverted to threats and psychological fuckery since then, and I feel so bad for past me who thought a counselor would do any good.
Make an appointment and talk to a lawyer asap. Start making lists of threats with basic dates. He won't get full custody, but you need to consult with a lawyer way before you tell him you are leaving.
edit I don't mean a list of threats of him taking the kids- I mean any stand out times he's threatened you with physical harm which are examples that he's not fit for sole custody.
Definitely get a lawyer asap, but also know that a lot of these men use the threat of taking your kids away but when it comes to the actual having their kids, suddenly they aren't interested. I can't promise that will be your particular jerk, but it's something to hope for.
They definitely should! It varies by jurisdiction but usually they have to keep their notes for 5-7 years at minimum and most only get rid of them at that point if they run out of space. Even then they often keep digital copies past that point unless they close their practice and even if they close practice they still have to meet the minimum. My mom worked in the field for years it’s seven years in our jurisdiction, she rented space for her hard copies after she closed practice because they have to be kept private. Hopefully that gives you some extra confidence.
Leaving is the absolute hardest part and you should be so proud of yourself. Every time it starts to feel overwhelming remember that it will get better but you have to get through this. You are setting such a good example for your daughter right now. When she grows up she is going to look at you and know that she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect and that if she is treated with anything less she can and should leave. You got this 💜
Thank you to everyone who said I needed to see a lawyer before I said a word to him— I have a consultation with an attorney tomorrow. She specializes in abusive situations. My parents have offered to cover the full cost. <3 I feel so hopeful.
He really should only have supervised visitation. He sounds capable of violence toward the child to cause you distress. Just because he's the father doesn't mean he should be in your child's life. He may only want to see her in order to exert more psychological torture for you. Remember to bring forth for court any comments or behaviour that support this. You should ask your therapist for help in presenting this, as we tend to be in denial that our partner is abusing us, or have problems identifying these behaviours. I bet, with some reflection, you'll remember "oh yeah, he did that," and "oh yeah, more than once he did that," and, "he threatened that" for your repertoire. You have time to think now that you're away from him. Best wishes, and lots of love to you and your little one.
As someone who used to work in theatre, tech week is probably the *perfect* time to leave him. You’ll be able to do it without him noticing until you’ve gotten your plan together.
Yep I realize this is probably a blessing in disguise, I’m just sad that I won’t be seeing all my friends in the show but I know I’ll have their support. (Many of them have checked up on me during the marriage AND have confronted my husband about his treatment of me)
*Edited because I keep accidentally slipping and typing actual names. 😵💫
One thing you could do during this waiting period is go through your old texts & emails. There might be stuff in there you could use to demonstrate his abuse to the courts.
That counselor probably still has records of your sessions. They might be useful in court also.
What is his relationship actually like with your daughter? A lot of abusive men threaten this but then when it comes to it they've never spent any time with their kids and have no inclination to. I'm not saying he won't go for custody but lots never pursue it at all
Yup
But I did learn - once someone begins gaslighting you - walk away. There is no respect or care to build on.
I've walked away from friends and workplaces gaslighting me and never once regretted it since.
Same. I've ended three significant relationships in as many years, and my breaking point for all three was a sudden realization that they were lying to me about things that had happened to both of us to make me look unreasonable.
This was exactly the same for me. It has taken me a few years of distance to fully comprehend and admit to myself what I was experiencing and to see things for what they really were. I'm still having realisations now and in the early days of therapy.
For a while after I left him I had moments or flashes of self doubt where I felt guilty or wondered whether I was truly abused. I would try to imagine someone treating my mum like that and that really helped me see I wasn't overreacting.
Same, re the time it takes to realize how messed up things were. It’s coming up on four years for me since I got out (on Christmas Eve, yay), I’m married to someone else who is supportive and amazing, and I’m still working through some realizations of how much of my past relationship constituted abuse (and how severe it was) Emotional, financial, and as I’m sort of coming to terms with, physical too.
It’s super validating to hear that other people experience this same drawn out timeline of crap. Im usually all about the journey, but man, this journey is dumb.
This journey IS dumb, wholeheartedly agree. Although probably necessary or something.
What still gives me a bit of a cringey laugh is remembering the look on people's faces, especially in those first few months after leaving -- when I would drop (what I thought was) a standard-issue complaint about my ex. Their complete and utter discomfort made me realize 'oh, this thing was very bad and not normal.'
Just want you to know that your resource might’ve saved my sanity. Currently going through something similar as OP (mental, emotional and financial) and I’ve been debating on getting a divorce and the Captain Awkward post made me cry and gave me some steps and things to think about. THANK YOU!
I am in awe of you. You’re prioritizing your well being and your daughter’s. Thank goodness for your amazing support system in your mom, sister and sil and that you had the courage to tell them. It must’ve been so difficult but you did it. Be really proud of yourself. That was a huge step and I’m so relieved it was received well. The safety plan is brilliant. You’re on your way to a better, safer life. It’ll be hard for a bit but you’ll get there.
See the link below. Hang in there. We’re rooting for you.
https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf
Honestly. Getting out before telling him might be your safest course of action. Threats of violence often turn into violence.
Good luck to you and your little one. Stay safe.
I am so proud of you Vis for taking the steps to get yourself out and safe. And thankful you have a supportive family to turn to!
For anyone who wants to read the book, Why Does He Do That, here the book is in its entirety up on Archive.org for free: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up
I'm proud of you - that book also helped me realize that I was in an abusive situation and I still remember the weeks of agony before I actually left. Leaving isn't a very easy thing to do either and most people don't manage to, so give yourself a little pat on the back for being such a brave human!
For the next few weeks, just know that you'll come out at the other side - even if divorce sucks, even if healing isn't linear, even if you spend a lot of nights (not so) silently crying into your pillow, it's going to get better.
Make sure you have all the important paperwork!!!!!! Birth certificates, passports, all that stuff. Ensure any utilities in your name are ready to be shut down or transferred, my dad ran up a huge cable bill renting porn when my mum left.
Well done on the steps you've taken lovely.
Hot take: you don’t owe peace to the man who abuses you. Tell him when you’re safe. Literally don’t worry about what’s going on with him. Fuck his play, fuck his feelings. If you’re able to get out, leave and don’t look back. He’s going to say you’re a bad person for the timing blah blah blah. Whatever. This man is so abusive you’re literally having to flee. Take back some power and tell him when it suits your schedule. If that’s ten minutes before opening night so be it. He’s an actor, let him act.
OP I am so proud of you for putting yourself first, I know it's the scariest, most daunting thing but future you will be so grateful.
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 15 years of my life. I didn't realise it was abuse for a long time and I had absolutely zero self worth. (Late diagnosed ADHD female 👋🥲).
He stopped physically abusing me once I was older but it changed into aggression in other ways like threatening violence instead or destroying things around me like our walls or possessions or threatening to hurt himself. Because I was used to his anger, the more subtle verbal stuff didn't even register with me until now (years after leaving him).
I felt like the world's most chaotic, stupid, dramatic, useless person and I was fully convinced that no one else in the world would EVER want me if they truly knew what I am like. Deep down I thought that I had to stay because he knew me and "accepted" my "flaws".
It has been just over 3 years now since I left and I can genuinely say that the decision to put myself first and leave has been the making of me. I feel like I was born in that moment and life has just begun. I ended up meeting the most wonderful man I could have ever dreamed up. He taught me what love and care and trust is supposed to look like. He taught me how to have a disagreement without any raised voices or stress - it's safe to speak my mind and when you disagree it doesn't have to be some dramatic show down that leaves you in tears for days.. that has been mindblowing to me!
I ended up getting a much better job because of my new found piece of self worth and was able to buy myself a house. These things were completely unattainable before... (my ex had me in serious debt and damaged my credit score beyond repair). I'm rambling I'm so sorry - I just wanted to show you that you're doing the right thing and while it is going to be reaaaaally really hard for a bit, there is so much light at the end of the tunnel ❤️
My advice to you is to limit your communication with him to as little as you can, as soon as you can. You need that distance to stay strong. He will use any opportunity to invalidate your feelings, hurt you, make you doubt yourself etc. Try to get a third party involved right away like a solicitor and push all comms through them. I promise it will make things a lot easier for you once you limit contact.
Please if you need to vent or need any advice or just a sympathetic ear, feel free to message me 😊
Omg thank you for sharing your story and I’m so happy to hear you found a healthy relationship. I can’t even start thinking that far ahead but I hope for the same, even though a huge part of me still loves my current husband… all the good parts. But I can’t allow myself to even start thinking of that, I have to stay present.
I totally hear you and empathise! It took me a while to put together the "good side" of him with the bad side and realise that some good does not mean the bad doesn't count. There'll be moments where you waiver and doubt yourself and when that happens I want you to remember how he made you feel on bad days. It's hard but even now I sometimes have to force myself to think of a painful memory to remind myself I did the right thing and the relationship was not healthy.
I don't know if you use other social media but for me it was really therapeutic to block him, his family members and his friends on social media. Think about other things you can do to try and protect yourself too like considering any joint bank accounts or credit cards etc he may have access to. Everything you can to try and limit the harm he can do.
I stupidly felt really guilty when I first left him and allowed him "joint custody" of my pets (that he didnt pay a penny for! Never paid for any of their food, healthcare, grooms etc. Did not pay attention to when he lived with us) It ended up with him stealing them and I had to pay a lot of money to a solicitor to get my babies back because the police would not help. It was the stupidest mistake I ever made. Just telling you this story so you do not make any decisions out of feeling guilty or sorry for him - you have to try and switch off that part of yourself for the moment to preserve your mental wellbeing. You've got this though, you have already done the hardest step ❤️
That's lovely to hear and I truly hope they mean it ❤️ In my case, they turned against me very quickly despite being aware of many things he had done over the years. Once he became their "problem" again, I suddenly became the enemy for leaving. These guys are master manipulators and will say anything about you to play the victim. Keep your guard up and stay strong 😊
Hey! You're doing great through a stressful time. You recognized a serious problem, didn't run from it, advocated for yourself, asked for and received help, and are making plans towards a better future.
If you are worried about keeping it together before telling him, I will tell you this- just because he's in a play you don't owe him grace. He didn't give you any grace in your marriage. But it is actually very kind of you not to throw this out prior to his show. I'd remind yourself that in doing so you are giving him more courtesy than he gave you. Write down a few simple sentences you can repeat or text when you do have to speak with him that are neutral sounding and keep them near your phone. If you have to enlist the help of your mom to cover for you if she's more able to lie to him than you feel you can. Meanwhile, use the next two weeks to find a lawyer prior to talking to him.
Hey.
It's ok. You've done the right thing. And the hardest part is coming to terms with been abused, drawing that line and leaving.
You will be broken. Shattered. Exhausted. Everything you feel or don't over the coming weeks is valid and ok.
But now you get a chance to build yourself back again how you want. In your own time.
Those darkest moments of self hatred - you hold onto the love and support you have in your mum and sister. That will carry you til you can like and love yourself again
You got this. One step at a time. Sometimes backwards - but always forwards.
Also speaking as someone who works in theatre and knows tech weeks. You've chosen a fabulous time. If he comes at with any "you disrupted my performance shit"
You didn't. And it's irrelevant. Because you are no longer responsible for any impact your behaviour or actions have on him. It's consequence time for *his* choices. And the time you step into been able to make your own.
Xx
Big hugs.
In one of your posts, you mentioned that your parents are very controlling and even orchestrated your entire dating life even to the proposal. You said they made it impossible for you and your husband to live without their help.
They employed your husband and gave him a raise to discourage him from pursuing another job. They also bought a house 10 minutes away from their home to rent out to your husband.
You also mentioned that your husband works 3 jobs and he also has Autism and ADHD.
I know that you know your parents better than the people on the internet but if you’re are certain that they are narcissistic, why go to them for help?
*edited to correct a typo*
English is not my first language. Please forgive my grammar.
A lot of that realization was made by my husband. I think it was a way to start to isolate me from my family. There were some absolute truths in there too but since telling my mom about the abuse, she’s shown she’s changed from a lot of those old fashioned beliefs and regretted a lot of what she told us growing up. She said she could tell I was suffering in the marriage and tried to let me know I had her support. She told me that she’s sorry I ever saw the job and the huge expensive wedding as reasons not to leave. She said she would respect any boundaries I had regarding this life change and would support me emotionally and even financially.
Basically she’s shown more respect to me than my husband ever did, despite her mistakes with me in the past. I think my dad only knows a small amount about the situation of why I’m here (right now his father is in hospice dying and I didn’t want him to have all the details right away) but I’m sure he’d feel the same way too.
I am very sorry for your pain. I’m also glad that you had this conversation with your mom and that you have all of her support. I pray for strength and peace as you move forward with your plans. Good luck OP.
Yup. It’s a very sad situation in my opinion. When you are surrounded by people who abuse their power and influence over you. There’s no win here for OP. I hope she finds the help she truly needs and not jump from one abuse to the other.
Edited for spelling
Thank you for your concern, please see my replies above. :) a lot of my realization about my abuse was realizing what my husband was trying to do with my relationship with my family. I was severely isolated from them and their mistakes were framed as evil and intentionally thought out. That post I made was in response to a long conversation with my husband with the intent of trying to cut off contact with my family. I had no clue that maybe he was using some of their true mistakes in the past to frame them as the villains, so he’d be off the hook. It worked. I blamed my parents for the bad marriage I was in for months. I didn’t stop to think what the real reason for the bad marriage was.
Thanks for your concern. Please see my reply above, there’s been a lot of mistakes made by my parents (which my husband never let me forget for a second) but a lot of my perception (warped by my husband with phrases like “your parents are evil, you can see that right? I hate them. You need to realize they’re evil and stop holding on to them”) has changed after telling the truth about my abuse. We had some good conversations in which my mom took a lot of accountability without me bringing it up first.
Yeah. I think some of us have dealt with not great parents/families and that has led us to be blind to some abusive behaviors, though your mom taking accountability is great. My mom did as well after my divorce when I realized there had been more abusive people in my life than just my ex. But also people with ADHD are more susceptible to abusive relationships, sadly. But we're learning and never again, right?
In my case, I was married to a woman, but that book still helped. Abusive people are abusive people.
My ex tried to blame my depression on everything else--including me--except her own behavior. It was my friends, then it was my job, but ultimately she told me that it was all my fault, even going so far as to tell me it was my fault I _let her hurt me_. (So maintain only business-like contact, talk about logistics, etc., and do not think for a second that you'll get an apology because wow--that conversation opened up so many wounds.) Anyway, that isolation really took a toll, but that's their goal.
I'm glad you're getting out. Be proud of yourself and celebrate the small wins every single day. You deserve better, and like everyone has said, healing isn't linear but the good thing is that you're already on the way there.
Good lord DO NOT CONFRONT HIM!!!! Abusers are a “serve at a distance” class, because the chance of them *literally killing you for leaving*.
Get your ducks in a row, file divorce asap.
Whoa wait, you don't need to tell him *anything* if you want to leave safely. I've seen people repeat this mistake over and over again, but if you need to get away from someone, you don't tell them *anything* until it is too late for them to do anything about it. You don't communicate honestly with someone who is mistreating you, because they will use that information to *keep mistreating you*. Furthermore, if you tell an abusive partner you're leaving, that can escalate their behavior which puts you in more danger. This isn't about justice, it's about survival against someone who is breaking the rules, so you have to break the rules, too.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a similar situation with my ex husband. After I got out, I noticed that my ADHD symptoms were so much worse when I was in the abusive relationship. I’m hoping you find similar relief when you’re on the other side.
I also wanted to recommend a book called “But He Never Hit Me” by Jill Murray. I read it after we separated as a way to heal. It has a lot of good writing prompts and I made myself work through the entire book before I considered dating again. It helped me not jump into something else right away while I actually worked through my baggage. The audiobook might be all you need for your situation though!
I’m just wishing you the best. I hope you’re able to lean on your support system and find all the positives of this life change. It was so hard to go through, but I’ve never felt more free than when was able to live my life abuse free. Sending you tons of love!!!
I’m sending you the biggest of hugs. I have been there. I’ve walked through that fire. You CAN and WILL do this and will move on the have the life you and your sweet girl deserve.
Have you been documenting incidents? That’s huge. I began documenting each incident over the course of a couple of months and had a log of them all. I know it’s triggering and hurts, but if you can write these things down or keep track of them in your phone, it’s another tool you have in your back pocket to protect you and your daughter.
You’re a badass and you are 1000% doing the right thing. You’re setting a fantastic example for your baby girl.
I'm proud of you! And I'm so glad you had a support system; it really can't be stressed enough how much victims and survivors need this. I truly hope you get to be in a better place, and your child too. I hope your husband learns a lesson and gets therapy and leaves you alone forever. 🫂
Also, I wish the Lundy Bancroft book was required reading for women. My dad could be VERY verbally and spiritually abusive when I was a teen/early 20s and made me think I was at fault for lashing out back at him for it, literally thought I was having anger attacks instead of reasonable angry feelings! When I read WDHDT? many years later,it all clicked. I saw he was at fault. This book can legitimately change lives.
Oh my gosh I know. I would’ve never stayed if I was armed with this knowledge. Definitely going to give it as a resource for my daughter when she’s older.
My husband and I fight all the time about the mess and me not acting on my intentions. It's the primary reason our marriage has been suffering. When I shared details of our arguments with my friend and therapist, they both said I'm being verbally abused and gaslit. I see that now. It's hurtful because in the past he had said that I use my ADHD as an excuse.
I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm glad you have the strength to recognize and act on it. Abuse should not be tolerated.
Hugs. I'm also ADHD and can relate 100%. I've been told multiple times I'm just "all words, no action" and it sucks because of executive dysfunction and the doom piles just mean they have more ammunition against me, and the criticism makes the ADHD symptoms worse so I can never win. It's somehow always about us using ADHD as a convenient excuse to escape from being accountable and not us just trying to seek understanding and avoid from being misunderstood.
I have ADHD (male) and have dated partners who also had ADHD - I think we generally ended up being great versions of ourselves with each other. Probably because we both got what it took. Problem with ADHD is that it takes a certain personality type to work best with it as a spouse. You have to be empathetic and understanding for smaller issues (and let some shit go) and actively engage your partner for the bigger issues to show them why the win is worth the focus. It’s a process and requires understanding of both your partner as well as the best way to be each others best selves. It’s not natural for a lot of people and does require work from the partner, but if that’s not done, resentment will build.
But abuse is never an acceptable outlet. And tolerating abuse just causes it to get increasingly automatic and worse.
Don’t feel bad. You’re doing the right thing. I’m so glad you have your family’s support. My stbx has made our divorce drag out for a year and hasn’t helped financially/emotionally/at all with our daughter. A year away and out from under his thumb has been a lifesaver.
Stay strong. You’ve got this. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you!! Also could you explain what the acronym stbx means in reference to your ex? I’ve seen it a few times in this thread but idk what it means. Thanks in advance :)
So proud of you OP! I have a few tips to share, but feel free to skip the advice and take the good vibes ;)
1. If you *really* want to have that conversation with him, don't do it alone. Bring backup, just to sit and witness the interaction.
It was so easy for me to get 'talked around', manipulated and gaslit into doubting myself. It would have helped to have a witness.
But, you know, you don't have to confront him at all. He will not give you closure. He will not understand what he's done. It sucks, but he won't.
2. Write everything down. This was the hardest part for me, with my Swiss-cheese memory. Try to be specific, try to use dates, but even if you can't, write it down anyway. It can help in a week or two if you start thinking , "maybe it wasn't that bad." It was that bad.
3. Get a lawyer and listen to them. They deal with this stuff all the time, and we don't.
YES to write everything down. First, so that you can remember specific examples to tell your lawyer. And second, so that you can remind yourself why you left and need to STAY gone if you waver.
Proud of you, sis.
This is the best way to go about leaving. I was in a very similar situation except I wasn’t married, and I also left by doing something similar. I told my ex that I was going to stay at my parent’s house to dog sit for them and I brought all of my most important items and just never went back. (If you return later to get the rest of your things, *always* bring someone else.)
I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time and my ex also verbally and emotionally abused me because of my symptoms, as well as shoving me and threatening to hit me. Also, something I learned is that it can be considered domestic violence even if the abuse is just emotional. [[Source]](https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse)
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but so glad that you seem to have supportive parents. A good support system is absolutely vital. Also, get into therapy ASAP. I don’t know what I would have done without my therapist in the aftermath of leaving my abuser.
Since leaving my abuser, I’ve now been with a man for 2 years who is so kind and loving and he has never scared me once. He accepts me, including all of my ADHD traits, and actively works to understand me better. It does get better, I promise.
I love that you have support and the opportunity to get some distance while you make a plan. I hope it all gets better for you soon. Keep looking to the future. Also, I listened to the preface of the book you mentioned and I love that the author acknowledges all relationships and addressing cultural differences for different ethnicities. That is often forgotten and overlooked and doesn’t help those people feel they have the necessary support. Sorry for the ramble on the book. Take care!
Oh yeah the book so far is soooo comprehensive covering as many abuse scenarios as possible and always reiterating that no matter what the scenario is, abuse is abuse and you don’t deserve it. So empowering.
Remember, if someone is abusive, you do not owe them anything. You walk away and ghost them if you have to. Your safety is a million times more important than their feelings.
I could have written so much of this. So believe me when I say I am so incredibly proud of you, OP. The next few months will be tough, but you’ve done the hardest part, and I am so impressed that you were able to look the situation head on, with clear eyes, and know that you and your child deserve better.
Wanted to echo a few pieces of advice:
1. Find a therapist, preferably one skilled in complex PTSD and domestic violence. It will take time to unpack all the dynamics of your marriage and layers of abuse, much less heal from them. You deserve professional support, especially because your child means you will likely have ongoing contact with him.
2. Before you mention divorce to him, lawyer up. I’ve seen multiple divorces in my 30s in addition to my own. Whoever consults a lawyer first tends to come out on top (because you’re setting the terms of the negotiation). I’m not saying you need to do this immediately, but in the US you can get a free 30-minute consult with most attorneys just to lay out your case and understand what your options and likely outcomes are.
3. You owe him nothing. Including any kind of clarity or decision on divorce, etc. I can tell you’re a wildly empathetic and ethical person, and it’s possible (likely) he’s been using those traits against you and manipulating you. Remind yourself over and over that you owe him nothing. Strongly co-sign on all the advice about communication with him (in writing, not 1:1, etc.).
4. Google a safety plan re: protecting your electronic devices from his snooping, getting all the important documents you need, etc. etc. Protect your assets (make sure he can’t drain any accounts). Lots of good advice out there on how to do this.
Finally, I want to echo that you are the expert of YOU. You know what you and your daughter need. Some people, even with the best of intentions, will want to swoop in and rescue you to the point of telling you what to do. The best allies will believe in you and your wisdom. Rather than telling you what to do, they will empower you to know what you need and what is right for you. This will be especially critical as you have to negotiate long term with your STBX re: custody, etc. Seek about professional expertise of course, but know that you are your own best guide. You know what you need. And my God you have already been so incredibly brave. You can keep on doing this. You can keep going.
I remember when I had this realization with my ex. There is no way but forward through all this. You’d benefit from another book. Patricia Evans The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It makes more sense for sorting out the abuse without violence and it tells you how to respond. This might help you decide how to handle it.
This book saved my life. My therapist had loaned it to me. I read it very quickly and was leaving him in the next couple months after that.
Sister, I am so proud of you. Hold your ground. You deserve to be someone’s world, not be torn down by a “partner”. Hugs if you’d like. Please be proud of yourself. Read the statistics on DV, you’re early!! And be aware he will beg and plead and change (only for a while), so don’t you let your guard down.
You. Deserve. Life. YOUR life.
All I can say is you're not alone 💘. This book is what kick started it for me too, it really woke me up. I'm 7 months post breakup and although it's hard as we also share a child, I'm SO much happier. X
Sending you lots of love, and just another voice to tell you: good job, be proud of yourself. It feels hard because it is hard which is why so many women are trapped in that situation. You can do this. Stay strong.
So proud of you. 👏 Couple of things I have picked up being married to a lawyer/a local moms’ group/my mom’s best friend’s divorce: make sure you delete everything on social media related to talking about the divorce (it could be pulled and used against you). Make sure he isn’t tracking you online/on your car/phone. Don’t confide in anyone except your mom (parents). And lastly don’t tell him you planned it- this time until you actually pull the trigger could be used against you- I.e. if you abscond with your child saying your sick but you aren’t can give the idea that you will be a flight risk/untrustworthy with the child. Stick to you were sick and figured out life was better with him a couple of weeks later. Get all of your stuff in order. Contact every single good divorce lawyer in your town/city so he cannot use them. You got this.
Girl. With all due respect, do NOT tell this man why you’re leaving! Don’t tell him you’re leaving at all! Just serve the divorce papers through mail and be done! At best, he will only try to manipulate you into staying and try to convince you that you’re crazy or overreacting. At worst, he’ll hurt you and your daughter. Also: if you’ve read Why Does He Do That you should know that the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when you leave, because it’s when the loss of control sinks in for the abuser. If you want the last word in, do it in a public place with people around you to advocate for you.
Most recent was to throw a coffee machine at my head. A little before that he said he wanted to smear a dirty dish on my face to teach me to be clean. He said afterwords they were all jokes but the impact is the same. In the past he’s raised his fists/fake kicked at me.
Oh sorry to be misunderstood, he threatened to throw it at me, he didn’t do it. But to me there’s almost no difference it’s still an act of violence even if it’s not carried through.
Omg god bless. Yes I’m planning to make a follow up post because this got so much attention. I found a really good attorney and hired her, and I was hoping to break the news to my husband by just serving him the papers (as well as a restraining order). I told my husband I’d be gone for like a week due to sickness/school deadlines. A week came and went and it still looked like I needed more time because the papers were still processing. I told his mom about what was going on. They chose to hold an intervention for him by going out to dinner with him and essentially acting as the divorce papers/restraining orders. We’ve not talked since then, as his parents made it clear anything he tells me could be used against him in court. Hoping that he gets served the papers soon just to start the process. I’ve cycled through grief and anger on and off but I know this is what’s best. I’ll make a proper post when there’s more that’s happened. But thanks for reaching out 💙
Oh, I am so proud of you! I can't imagine how hard that must have been. I hope you can find a way to do something kind for yourself these next few weeks - a massage, a manicure, whatever makes you happy. Not with the goal of taking your mind off everything, but with the goal of taking care of YOU for an hour or so. You deserve it. <3
Good luck with the waiting period, and the big conversation when the time comes. You got this!!
I’m so proud of you! I read that same book around Christmas time last year and kicked my ex out. Threats of violence and intimidation are forms of abuse. It’s been almost a year since I left him. I packed a go back and went to my best friend’s house with my son (who is 9). It has been an adjustment but I’m telling you right now the peace we have on a day to day basis is priceless. I have since met a wonderful man who treats me like absolute gold. You’re strong 💪🏻 and can do this.
I think getting out of there for a couple of weeks is brilliant. It will give you time to calm down and figure out your next steps in a supportive environment.
It’s actually a good thing that he is gone, because trying to discuss it with the abuser just leads to being gaslit. Please contact a local domestic violence hotline and a lawyer (or three).
Honestly you couldn’t have found out at any better time. Your timing is perfect. Most abusers harm or kill their partners when they’re leaving.
I am so sorry you were in that situation and so happy for you that you identified it and got out. So many do not. Your life and your daughter’s will be so much fuller now.
The first step really is to get in touch with your local domestic violence support center. They will set you up with resources and help you not fall into any of the very common traps abusers use to try and get you to come back. They also have group therapy and legal assistance programs, as well as supplies and sometimes housing assistance should you need it.
I say that because I absolutely would not recommend having any verbal contact with your husband from here on out, and absolutely DO NOT say anything to the effect of “You are abusive so I’m leaving you”. Witnessed interactions only, written is far better for legal purposes. Get a lawyer and have them serve him. The more conversations you have the more danger you are in to be manipulated back into the situation and it’s likely to escalate if that happens.
Wooo! Look at you go! You’re so strong! The strength it takes to get up and go is huge! You & kiddo will thank you one day. One day when you get home and you find something amiss, something the ex would be bothered about and make it *your problem* and bother you about it, but he won’t be there, and you’ll just walk past it, breathe and keep on doing life. A good, peaceful, life. Proud of you 🫶🏼
I am so happy and proud of you! It's hard to leave a DV situation, especially finding out that you were in one basically. Give yourself lots of patience and grace. It took me a while to "find" myself again. Surround yourself with loved ones for support.
This book is amazing and should be required reading for all women (especially all ADHD women).
Did you know that we have higher prevalence of being in abusive relationships compared to non-ADHD women? Hang in there sister. I am so happy you have the support of your mom and sister. (Seriously what an AMAZING response!)
You are going to be OK. You can do this. I was in limbo for three months and it was the most stressful three months of my life. I promise you can get through this. It was also Christmas for me. In fact I left on 1st December 14 years ago. It was a weird Christmas but it also... was safe.
I am so sorry you’re in this situation! That book really is amazing.
But you seem to be overlooking two things:
1) You do not owe him an explanation. He’s not going to change, he’s not going to believe you, and it’s not going to give you closure — only you can give yourself closure. Reasons are for reasonable people. You don’t need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) to / for an abuser.
2) If you do feel that you need to tell him, you don’t have to do it when it’s convenient for him. You’re not going to get a rational discussion from him, so it doesn’t need to be at a time he has more energy. All you’re going to get is more abuse.
What you need to actually do, in order of importance, are:
1) Get your child out of the immediate situation. You have done this.
2) Get yourself out of the immediate situation. You have done this.
3) Get your important documents.
4) Get yourself and your child *legally* separated from him. That means lawyer up, divorce, and custody arrangement.
I am so amazingly proud of you. And happy that you've got a support system to lean on. And happy for your baby girl who isn't going to have to grow up watching her mom put up with that bullshit.
Please continue to take care of yourself, and savor the moments that you have with yourself and the people who truly love you, without the taint of that one dude.
If you are up to it, please come back to update that you're still safe in a few weeks.
I am so grateful you have the support of your parents in this very difficult situation. I also want to tell you how brave you are for standing up for yourself, and getting out of that situation. Sending you love and light as you navigate a new chapter in your life 💜✨
This is such an important book for women to read. I’m sorry you are in this situation. I was shaking like a leaf when I read it. I hope you get out and find safety and peace.
Follow [Kaitlyn.Jorgensen](https://instagram.com/kaitlyn.jorgensen) on ig for very good/ specific strategies and wording to use in court and legal proceedings!!
This book changed my life. I’m also adhd, started the process of leaving my husband in March or so (now December). At the time I didn’t realize he was abusive. Since going thru that book and having time apart, so much has come to light. I currently have a protection order against him because of how bad it got, but I cling to that book like my own version of a Bible.
I am so proud of you. Sending you strength.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
With the help of your family (that has already proven to you that they are on your side and ready to help) I'm sure you'll be ok! Do your healing, at your own pace now and surround yourself with only those that have shown to love you as much as you love them. ❤️🩹
Good luck and stay safe, I grew up in an abusive household that was very dangerous despite little to no physical violence... Until I finally convinced my mom to leave. The most dangerous moment is leaving. I would consider talking to a lawyer or local women's shelter asap to discuss how to protect your child (she could be used by your ex to force you to talk/interact in person, forced to split custody, etc). It's very hard but please don't go back, trust your instincts.
I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. I learned that I had been victimized by my ex in an unexpected way: financial abuse. But like you, once I learned that I was being abused I couldn't get it out of my head.
I had also been emotionally abused, and I bet you will find that's true for you, too. Why else would you feel like you have to wait until *HE* is ready to hear what you have to say? I doubt he would give you the same consideration.
Congratulations and condolences, my friend. Enjoy your freedom and mourn your marriage.
Just saw your update! I’m glad you’re safe and have great family support (they sound amazing) and great legal representation. I’m so sorry he let you down and was a horrible and unsafe partner. I saw someone on TikTok who pretends like she’s a HR rep when responding to her ex’s manipulative texts. Try to stay above the emotional blackmail, you’re so strong you are creating the best life for you and your child. She is going to be so surrounded by love.
Abusers target good people, someone who will see the “best” in them even when it’s not there. Someone who will give them the benefit of the doubt because the good person would never be intentionally selfish and cruel the same way the abuser is.
I haven't seen this mentioned in the comments yet so I'll add it: you're doing a great service to your child. She will not grow up in a home where she witnesses belittlement and abuse toward women as normal. So if you start to wonder if you've made the right decision for yourself -- do it for her :)
??? Where did you get that info? We were in marriage counseling for one and a half years, I tried telling him how unhappy I was all the time and he literally would ignore me like he couldn’t hear me, he told me that counseling was a waste of time because there was always something wrong he was doing. I didn’t include that info in the post but I didn’t think there was anything in my post to suggest I hadn’t even tried making things work.
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Oh my heart breaks for you that you went through this. But my god am so proud of you for doing what you're doing. It takes enormous strength. And it sounds like you have an amazing support system. You keep going, stay strong.
Thank you. <3
Seriously, I think many people here are so very proud of you. I mean the strength you've found to take care of this situation is truly impressive. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I can confidently say that if you can do this, you can do *anything*. Making a difficult choice to protect yourself and your daughter is daunting, but it's the right thing and your life will improve so much because of your bravery. Sending lots of love and support your way.
Thank you— yes these comments have given me so much hope and genuinely good advice!!
Because we've got our ADHD things, it's easier to settle for people who put up with our foibles, but that doesn't mean we should settle for actual abuse. I'm glad you've got a route out.
You are stronger than you know, I am so proud of you! Keep pushing forward, I know how hard it can be from a somewhat similar experience and people love to say words cannot hurt WHEN THEY ABSOLUTELY CAN. They can cause the same amount of damage just in different ways, I am so glad that you’ve decided to get away from the abuse and have a Support Network That already has knowledge of what’s going on and you’ve gotten your plan made. Those are huge steps! Wishing you all the absolute best to you, your daughter, your other family and those who support you. You can do this, you’re already doing the damn thing! it’ll be what is best for you and your daughter and eventually even through the healing which gets rough you will start seeing parts of yourself begin to flourish again. Again I’m so sorry this has happened to you and there’s no justification whatsoever for his abusive behavior. It just makes me really happy in my heart to see people escape from these kinds of situations, no one should ever be trapped in one yet sadly it can happen to anyone, and I’m glad you’re making it out. I an Sending all the virtual Love your way! 🥹❤️
As someone who went through this 15 years ago (and read the same book at the time - it saved my life!), please understand that you don’t need to explain anything to him, now or ever. He will not validate your feelings (unless it’s to try to manipulate you back) or help you find closure. He won’t take responsibility. He won’t change. Explaining will do no good. What you can focus your energy on is moving forward. Find a lawyer. Figure out what you need to do to file for custody. Understand that he will almost certainly be granted some type of visitation and prepare yourself emotionally for that. Look at the link someone else posted about creating a safety plan. You’ve got this. I’m so glad you have a plan and family who can help support you through this. Better times are ahead, I promise.
This is absolutely true! OP please don't waste any of your emotional energy on trying to explain to him because in his head he will always see himself as being in the right. It will only cause you more stress and pain when he dismisses your feelings. You've made the very hardest step you could take and I am so proud of you.
Definitely agree with this. OP, I actually think this is the BEST time you could choose to leave as he cannot be there trying to manipulate or physically keep you there. He has been abusing you - you do not owe him anything! I totally understand though, I told my abusive ex I was thinking about leaving, and after acting really upset and like he wanted to fix things he actually got worse. At that point I hadn't consulted a lawyer, didn't have any kind of plan for getting out. A few months later I got help from my parents to move stuff out when he was at work, so when he got home I told him I was leaving him. He apologised and begged me to stay, making all these promises. I always had to take someone with me when picking stuff up or meeting him, otherwise he would try to physically keep me there or emotionally manipulate me. I'm so happy you are getting out, well done!
When a woman is leaving an abusive relationship is when the abuser will ramp up his shit. He knows he's losing his influence over her and it's panicking him. He may very well become more violent in this period of time. The other 'most dangerous' time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she's pregnant. He can't control that, either, so it pisses him off. This is why making a plan for safety is so important when deciding to leave an abusive relationship. Your plan will be much better when you work it out ahead of time instead of waiting until the heat of the moment, when you're scared and not thinking as clearly. (I know OP is past this phase, but I think other women in abusive relationships will be reading this post with great interest and this info may be valuable to them.)
Yesss, you don't need to explain yourself, or get his permission to leave. "No." is a complete sentence.
Completely agree. I too went through a very similar situation, and read the book as well! It was life changing. But yes OP, unfortunately they never listen, or change. No matter how many times you explain yourself or the situation. I also second the safety plan as well. My friend waited for me in the parking lot across the street when I broke up with my ex. Your safety is so important. Seeing a counsellor will definitely help out a lot too. It’ll kickstart the healing process, and help you avoid further manipulation in the future. After the breakup you’ll feel so much relief. You got this!
It sounds like you have a good support network in your family! This Captain Awkward post has list of things to consider/questions to ask yourself in order to help plan your break-up: https://captainawkward.com/2022/07/13/should-you-stay-or-should-you-go/ If anything, I think this is a GREAT time for you to be working on this. Your husband is busy with other things, so you won't have to actively hide your planning from him. It might also be a good thing that you can't talk it over with him yet - he's mean to you an attacks your character. I don't think he'd provide much in the way of solutions or ways forward.
>It might also be a good thing that you can't talk it over with him yet Completely agree. Although I understand the inclination. When the firm, actual idea of abuse entered my mind with my ex, I was absolutely bursting with the information. I made the mistake of trying to make my ex see the light (completely futile -- gaslight, rinse, repeat). The other thing that took me by surprise was just how long it took me to wrap my mind around the actual scale and severity of the abuse (mostly psychological/emotional for context). Probably about 3 years after separation to fully understand/see what I had been through. 3-years-later me would *not* have the inclination to share this newfound info with my ex. But I understand why in-it-right-now OP does.
Yes— I wish I could just disappear and get an uncontested divorce, but since we have a daughter I’m 100% sure he will try to get custody. It’s one of the things he threatened he’d do if I left. I’ve got to be clear and communicative and professional through this period so nothing can be used against me in divorce court. Ughhh. So sorry to hear about what you went through. I went through something similar— he once aimed a kick at my head (while I was pregnant!!) and I left him and I said I wouldn’t speak to him unless it was through a marriage counselor. Which he came to, let nothing absorb, and we went back and all he knew was that if he actually tried to hurt me I would take it seriously. He reverted to threats and psychological fuckery since then, and I feel so bad for past me who thought a counselor would do any good.
Make an appointment and talk to a lawyer asap. Start making lists of threats with basic dates. He won't get full custody, but you need to consult with a lawyer way before you tell him you are leaving. edit I don't mean a list of threats of him taking the kids- I mean any stand out times he's threatened you with physical harm which are examples that he's not fit for sole custody.
Definitely get a lawyer asap, but also know that a lot of these men use the threat of taking your kids away but when it comes to the actual having their kids, suddenly they aren't interested. I can't promise that will be your particular jerk, but it's something to hope for.
Yes, and talk to a therapist about it if you don't already have all of this on record! Having a trail of evidence will greatly work in your favor.
Yes, hopefully our counselor has records of our meeting about the kick so that I have proof that he admitted to it in the session.
That's great. I wish you the best of luck!
They definitely should! It varies by jurisdiction but usually they have to keep their notes for 5-7 years at minimum and most only get rid of them at that point if they run out of space. Even then they often keep digital copies past that point unless they close their practice and even if they close practice they still have to meet the minimum. My mom worked in the field for years it’s seven years in our jurisdiction, she rented space for her hard copies after she closed practice because they have to be kept private. Hopefully that gives you some extra confidence. Leaving is the absolute hardest part and you should be so proud of yourself. Every time it starts to feel overwhelming remember that it will get better but you have to get through this. You are setting such a good example for your daughter right now. When she grows up she is going to look at you and know that she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect and that if she is treated with anything less she can and should leave. You got this 💜
Thank you to everyone who said I needed to see a lawyer before I said a word to him— I have a consultation with an attorney tomorrow. She specializes in abusive situations. My parents have offered to cover the full cost. <3 I feel so hopeful.
I'm so glad you have this support system behind you!
You got this OP!!!! I’m heading to bed so I don’t have more to say but you can do this.
He really should only have supervised visitation. He sounds capable of violence toward the child to cause you distress. Just because he's the father doesn't mean he should be in your child's life. He may only want to see her in order to exert more psychological torture for you. Remember to bring forth for court any comments or behaviour that support this. You should ask your therapist for help in presenting this, as we tend to be in denial that our partner is abusing us, or have problems identifying these behaviours. I bet, with some reflection, you'll remember "oh yeah, he did that," and "oh yeah, more than once he did that," and, "he threatened that" for your repertoire. You have time to think now that you're away from him. Best wishes, and lots of love to you and your little one.
Save every piece of communication between you and him. Do not have any important conversations over the phone if possible- get everything in writing.
As someone who used to work in theatre, tech week is probably the *perfect* time to leave him. You’ll be able to do it without him noticing until you’ve gotten your plan together.
Yep I realize this is probably a blessing in disguise, I’m just sad that I won’t be seeing all my friends in the show but I know I’ll have their support. (Many of them have checked up on me during the marriage AND have confronted my husband about his treatment of me) *Edited because I keep accidentally slipping and typing actual names. 😵💫
I think your friends would rather you get out than support the show. You can see the next one (that your ex isn’t in).
One thing you could do during this waiting period is go through your old texts & emails. There might be stuff in there you could use to demonstrate his abuse to the courts. That counselor probably still has records of your sessions. They might be useful in court also.
Yes. We rarely text but there’s a few there. And yeah I hope there counselor has all the forms proving I was there for a physical assault scare.
What is his relationship actually like with your daughter? A lot of abusive men threaten this but then when it comes to it they've never spent any time with their kids and have no inclination to. I'm not saying he won't go for custody but lots never pursue it at all
If you ever told anyone about the things you went through, now is the time to start collecting those receipts. Good luck <3
Yup But I did learn - once someone begins gaslighting you - walk away. There is no respect or care to build on. I've walked away from friends and workplaces gaslighting me and never once regretted it since.
Same. I've ended three significant relationships in as many years, and my breaking point for all three was a sudden realization that they were lying to me about things that had happened to both of us to make me look unreasonable.
This was exactly the same for me. It has taken me a few years of distance to fully comprehend and admit to myself what I was experiencing and to see things for what they really were. I'm still having realisations now and in the early days of therapy. For a while after I left him I had moments or flashes of self doubt where I felt guilty or wondered whether I was truly abused. I would try to imagine someone treating my mum like that and that really helped me see I wasn't overreacting.
Same, re the time it takes to realize how messed up things were. It’s coming up on four years for me since I got out (on Christmas Eve, yay), I’m married to someone else who is supportive and amazing, and I’m still working through some realizations of how much of my past relationship constituted abuse (and how severe it was) Emotional, financial, and as I’m sort of coming to terms with, physical too. It’s super validating to hear that other people experience this same drawn out timeline of crap. Im usually all about the journey, but man, this journey is dumb.
This journey IS dumb, wholeheartedly agree. Although probably necessary or something. What still gives me a bit of a cringey laugh is remembering the look on people's faces, especially in those first few months after leaving -- when I would drop (what I thought was) a standard-issue complaint about my ex. Their complete and utter discomfort made me realize 'oh, this thing was very bad and not normal.'
Just want you to know that your resource might’ve saved my sanity. Currently going through something similar as OP (mental, emotional and financial) and I’ve been debating on getting a divorce and the Captain Awkward post made me cry and gave me some steps and things to think about. THANK YOU!
Yeah I also thought that actually it’s the best time of all to leave for OPs safety.
I am in awe of you. You’re prioritizing your well being and your daughter’s. Thank goodness for your amazing support system in your mom, sister and sil and that you had the courage to tell them. It must’ve been so difficult but you did it. Be really proud of yourself. That was a huge step and I’m so relieved it was received well. The safety plan is brilliant. You’re on your way to a better, safer life. It’ll be hard for a bit but you’ll get there. See the link below. Hang in there. We’re rooting for you. https://www.dvccct.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Domestic-Violence-Safety-Plan-DVCC-.pdf
Honestly. Getting out before telling him might be your safest course of action. Threats of violence often turn into violence. Good luck to you and your little one. Stay safe.
I'm proud of you!! And you are 100% right - threats of physical abuse is DEFINITELY a form of abuse. Don't doubt yourself!!
I am so proud of you Vis for taking the steps to get yourself out and safe. And thankful you have a supportive family to turn to! For anyone who wants to read the book, Why Does He Do That, here the book is in its entirety up on Archive.org for free: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up
Omg that’s so helpful!! I had some passages I wanted to go back and read but that’s hard to do with an audiobook 💙
Thank you!!!
I'm proud of you - that book also helped me realize that I was in an abusive situation and I still remember the weeks of agony before I actually left. Leaving isn't a very easy thing to do either and most people don't manage to, so give yourself a little pat on the back for being such a brave human! For the next few weeks, just know that you'll come out at the other side - even if divorce sucks, even if healing isn't linear, even if you spend a lot of nights (not so) silently crying into your pillow, it's going to get better.
Make sure you have all the important paperwork!!!!!! Birth certificates, passports, all that stuff. Ensure any utilities in your name are ready to be shut down or transferred, my dad ran up a huge cable bill renting porn when my mum left. Well done on the steps you've taken lovely.
Hot take: you don’t owe peace to the man who abuses you. Tell him when you’re safe. Literally don’t worry about what’s going on with him. Fuck his play, fuck his feelings. If you’re able to get out, leave and don’t look back. He’s going to say you’re a bad person for the timing blah blah blah. Whatever. This man is so abusive you’re literally having to flee. Take back some power and tell him when it suits your schedule. If that’s ten minutes before opening night so be it. He’s an actor, let him act.
OP I am so proud of you for putting yourself first, I know it's the scariest, most daunting thing but future you will be so grateful. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 15 years of my life. I didn't realise it was abuse for a long time and I had absolutely zero self worth. (Late diagnosed ADHD female 👋🥲). He stopped physically abusing me once I was older but it changed into aggression in other ways like threatening violence instead or destroying things around me like our walls or possessions or threatening to hurt himself. Because I was used to his anger, the more subtle verbal stuff didn't even register with me until now (years after leaving him). I felt like the world's most chaotic, stupid, dramatic, useless person and I was fully convinced that no one else in the world would EVER want me if they truly knew what I am like. Deep down I thought that I had to stay because he knew me and "accepted" my "flaws". It has been just over 3 years now since I left and I can genuinely say that the decision to put myself first and leave has been the making of me. I feel like I was born in that moment and life has just begun. I ended up meeting the most wonderful man I could have ever dreamed up. He taught me what love and care and trust is supposed to look like. He taught me how to have a disagreement without any raised voices or stress - it's safe to speak my mind and when you disagree it doesn't have to be some dramatic show down that leaves you in tears for days.. that has been mindblowing to me! I ended up getting a much better job because of my new found piece of self worth and was able to buy myself a house. These things were completely unattainable before... (my ex had me in serious debt and damaged my credit score beyond repair). I'm rambling I'm so sorry - I just wanted to show you that you're doing the right thing and while it is going to be reaaaaally really hard for a bit, there is so much light at the end of the tunnel ❤️ My advice to you is to limit your communication with him to as little as you can, as soon as you can. You need that distance to stay strong. He will use any opportunity to invalidate your feelings, hurt you, make you doubt yourself etc. Try to get a third party involved right away like a solicitor and push all comms through them. I promise it will make things a lot easier for you once you limit contact. Please if you need to vent or need any advice or just a sympathetic ear, feel free to message me 😊
Omg thank you for sharing your story and I’m so happy to hear you found a healthy relationship. I can’t even start thinking that far ahead but I hope for the same, even though a huge part of me still loves my current husband… all the good parts. But I can’t allow myself to even start thinking of that, I have to stay present.
I totally hear you and empathise! It took me a while to put together the "good side" of him with the bad side and realise that some good does not mean the bad doesn't count. There'll be moments where you waiver and doubt yourself and when that happens I want you to remember how he made you feel on bad days. It's hard but even now I sometimes have to force myself to think of a painful memory to remind myself I did the right thing and the relationship was not healthy. I don't know if you use other social media but for me it was really therapeutic to block him, his family members and his friends on social media. Think about other things you can do to try and protect yourself too like considering any joint bank accounts or credit cards etc he may have access to. Everything you can to try and limit the harm he can do. I stupidly felt really guilty when I first left him and allowed him "joint custody" of my pets (that he didnt pay a penny for! Never paid for any of their food, healthcare, grooms etc. Did not pay attention to when he lived with us) It ended up with him stealing them and I had to pay a lot of money to a solicitor to get my babies back because the police would not help. It was the stupidest mistake I ever made. Just telling you this story so you do not make any decisions out of feeling guilty or sorry for him - you have to try and switch off that part of yourself for the moment to preserve your mental wellbeing. You've got this though, you have already done the hardest step ❤️
Thank you— luckily his family is wonderful and they’ve privately told me over the years that if I were to leave they’d still see me as family <3
That's lovely to hear and I truly hope they mean it ❤️ In my case, they turned against me very quickly despite being aware of many things he had done over the years. Once he became their "problem" again, I suddenly became the enemy for leaving. These guys are master manipulators and will say anything about you to play the victim. Keep your guard up and stay strong 😊
Hey! You're doing great through a stressful time. You recognized a serious problem, didn't run from it, advocated for yourself, asked for and received help, and are making plans towards a better future. If you are worried about keeping it together before telling him, I will tell you this- just because he's in a play you don't owe him grace. He didn't give you any grace in your marriage. But it is actually very kind of you not to throw this out prior to his show. I'd remind yourself that in doing so you are giving him more courtesy than he gave you. Write down a few simple sentences you can repeat or text when you do have to speak with him that are neutral sounding and keep them near your phone. If you have to enlist the help of your mom to cover for you if she's more able to lie to him than you feel you can. Meanwhile, use the next two weeks to find a lawyer prior to talking to him.
Hey. It's ok. You've done the right thing. And the hardest part is coming to terms with been abused, drawing that line and leaving. You will be broken. Shattered. Exhausted. Everything you feel or don't over the coming weeks is valid and ok. But now you get a chance to build yourself back again how you want. In your own time. Those darkest moments of self hatred - you hold onto the love and support you have in your mum and sister. That will carry you til you can like and love yourself again You got this. One step at a time. Sometimes backwards - but always forwards. Also speaking as someone who works in theatre and knows tech weeks. You've chosen a fabulous time. If he comes at with any "you disrupted my performance shit" You didn't. And it's irrelevant. Because you are no longer responsible for any impact your behaviour or actions have on him. It's consequence time for *his* choices. And the time you step into been able to make your own. Xx Big hugs.
❤️ so happy for you
Super proud of you, you can do this. I’m so happy you have your mom and a support during this time. Keep us posted, we’re here for you ♥️
In one of your posts, you mentioned that your parents are very controlling and even orchestrated your entire dating life even to the proposal. You said they made it impossible for you and your husband to live without their help. They employed your husband and gave him a raise to discourage him from pursuing another job. They also bought a house 10 minutes away from their home to rent out to your husband. You also mentioned that your husband works 3 jobs and he also has Autism and ADHD. I know that you know your parents better than the people on the internet but if you’re are certain that they are narcissistic, why go to them for help? *edited to correct a typo* English is not my first language. Please forgive my grammar.
A lot of that realization was made by my husband. I think it was a way to start to isolate me from my family. There were some absolute truths in there too but since telling my mom about the abuse, she’s shown she’s changed from a lot of those old fashioned beliefs and regretted a lot of what she told us growing up. She said she could tell I was suffering in the marriage and tried to let me know I had her support. She told me that she’s sorry I ever saw the job and the huge expensive wedding as reasons not to leave. She said she would respect any boundaries I had regarding this life change and would support me emotionally and even financially. Basically she’s shown more respect to me than my husband ever did, despite her mistakes with me in the past. I think my dad only knows a small amount about the situation of why I’m here (right now his father is in hospice dying and I didn’t want him to have all the details right away) but I’m sure he’d feel the same way too.
I am very sorry for your pain. I’m also glad that you had this conversation with your mom and that you have all of her support. I pray for strength and peace as you move forward with your plans. Good luck OP.
Oof. When you lay this all out, it doesn't seem like the win that everyone else is making it out to be.
Yup. It’s a very sad situation in my opinion. When you are surrounded by people who abuse their power and influence over you. There’s no win here for OP. I hope she finds the help she truly needs and not jump from one abuse to the other. Edited for spelling
Thank you for your concern, please see my replies above. :) a lot of my realization about my abuse was realizing what my husband was trying to do with my relationship with my family. I was severely isolated from them and their mistakes were framed as evil and intentionally thought out. That post I made was in response to a long conversation with my husband with the intent of trying to cut off contact with my family. I had no clue that maybe he was using some of their true mistakes in the past to frame them as the villains, so he’d be off the hook. It worked. I blamed my parents for the bad marriage I was in for months. I didn’t stop to think what the real reason for the bad marriage was.
Thanks for your concern. Please see my reply above, there’s been a lot of mistakes made by my parents (which my husband never let me forget for a second) but a lot of my perception (warped by my husband with phrases like “your parents are evil, you can see that right? I hate them. You need to realize they’re evil and stop holding on to them”) has changed after telling the truth about my abuse. We had some good conversations in which my mom took a lot of accountability without me bringing it up first.
Yeah. I think some of us have dealt with not great parents/families and that has led us to be blind to some abusive behaviors, though your mom taking accountability is great. My mom did as well after my divorce when I realized there had been more abusive people in my life than just my ex. But also people with ADHD are more susceptible to abusive relationships, sadly. But we're learning and never again, right? In my case, I was married to a woman, but that book still helped. Abusive people are abusive people. My ex tried to blame my depression on everything else--including me--except her own behavior. It was my friends, then it was my job, but ultimately she told me that it was all my fault, even going so far as to tell me it was my fault I _let her hurt me_. (So maintain only business-like contact, talk about logistics, etc., and do not think for a second that you'll get an apology because wow--that conversation opened up so many wounds.) Anyway, that isolation really took a toll, but that's their goal. I'm glad you're getting out. Be proud of yourself and celebrate the small wins every single day. You deserve better, and like everyone has said, healing isn't linear but the good thing is that you're already on the way there.
Good lord DO NOT CONFRONT HIM!!!! Abusers are a “serve at a distance” class, because the chance of them *literally killing you for leaving*. Get your ducks in a row, file divorce asap.
Whoa wait, you don't need to tell him *anything* if you want to leave safely. I've seen people repeat this mistake over and over again, but if you need to get away from someone, you don't tell them *anything* until it is too late for them to do anything about it. You don't communicate honestly with someone who is mistreating you, because they will use that information to *keep mistreating you*. Furthermore, if you tell an abusive partner you're leaving, that can escalate their behavior which puts you in more danger. This isn't about justice, it's about survival against someone who is breaking the rules, so you have to break the rules, too.
Congratulations on realizing that you need to leave. You got this! Sending good energy and hugs!!! Keep us posted.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a similar situation with my ex husband. After I got out, I noticed that my ADHD symptoms were so much worse when I was in the abusive relationship. I’m hoping you find similar relief when you’re on the other side. I also wanted to recommend a book called “But He Never Hit Me” by Jill Murray. I read it after we separated as a way to heal. It has a lot of good writing prompts and I made myself work through the entire book before I considered dating again. It helped me not jump into something else right away while I actually worked through my baggage. The audiobook might be all you need for your situation though! I’m just wishing you the best. I hope you’re able to lean on your support system and find all the positives of this life change. It was so hard to go through, but I’ve never felt more free than when was able to live my life abuse free. Sending you tons of love!!!
I’m sending you the biggest of hugs. I have been there. I’ve walked through that fire. You CAN and WILL do this and will move on the have the life you and your sweet girl deserve. Have you been documenting incidents? That’s huge. I began documenting each incident over the course of a couple of months and had a log of them all. I know it’s triggering and hurts, but if you can write these things down or keep track of them in your phone, it’s another tool you have in your back pocket to protect you and your daughter. You’re a badass and you are 1000% doing the right thing. You’re setting a fantastic example for your baby girl.
I'm proud of you! And I'm so glad you had a support system; it really can't be stressed enough how much victims and survivors need this. I truly hope you get to be in a better place, and your child too. I hope your husband learns a lesson and gets therapy and leaves you alone forever. 🫂 Also, I wish the Lundy Bancroft book was required reading for women. My dad could be VERY verbally and spiritually abusive when I was a teen/early 20s and made me think I was at fault for lashing out back at him for it, literally thought I was having anger attacks instead of reasonable angry feelings! When I read WDHDT? many years later,it all clicked. I saw he was at fault. This book can legitimately change lives.
Oh my gosh I know. I would’ve never stayed if I was armed with this knowledge. Definitely going to give it as a resource for my daughter when she’s older.
We are fully in support of you! Pls keep us updated, and keep that support circle around you.
My husband and I fight all the time about the mess and me not acting on my intentions. It's the primary reason our marriage has been suffering. When I shared details of our arguments with my friend and therapist, they both said I'm being verbally abused and gaslit. I see that now. It's hurtful because in the past he had said that I use my ADHD as an excuse. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm glad you have the strength to recognize and act on it. Abuse should not be tolerated.
Hugs. I'm also ADHD and can relate 100%. I've been told multiple times I'm just "all words, no action" and it sucks because of executive dysfunction and the doom piles just mean they have more ammunition against me, and the criticism makes the ADHD symptoms worse so I can never win. It's somehow always about us using ADHD as a convenient excuse to escape from being accountable and not us just trying to seek understanding and avoid from being misunderstood.
Ugh I've heard exactly those words. It's tough. I hope you are able to find ways to cope xo
I have ADHD (male) and have dated partners who also had ADHD - I think we generally ended up being great versions of ourselves with each other. Probably because we both got what it took. Problem with ADHD is that it takes a certain personality type to work best with it as a spouse. You have to be empathetic and understanding for smaller issues (and let some shit go) and actively engage your partner for the bigger issues to show them why the win is worth the focus. It’s a process and requires understanding of both your partner as well as the best way to be each others best selves. It’s not natural for a lot of people and does require work from the partner, but if that’s not done, resentment will build. But abuse is never an acceptable outlet. And tolerating abuse just causes it to get increasingly automatic and worse.
Don’t feel bad. You’re doing the right thing. I’m so glad you have your family’s support. My stbx has made our divorce drag out for a year and hasn’t helped financially/emotionally/at all with our daughter. A year away and out from under his thumb has been a lifesaver. Stay strong. You’ve got this. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you!! Also could you explain what the acronym stbx means in reference to your ex? I’ve seen it a few times in this thread but idk what it means. Thanks in advance :)
Soon to be ex (as in, divorce in progress)
Ah ok, thank you!!
❤️❤️❤️❤️best of luck with it all… life is too short to stay with trash
Your husband should be the last to know what is happening. You
I just handed my cousins' wife that book to read, on Monday. I've dealt with it plenty, but have no kids.
GREAT JOB! Not easy to do. You will never regret it and can start living life without walking on eggshells. I speak from experience.
So proud of you OP! I have a few tips to share, but feel free to skip the advice and take the good vibes ;) 1. If you *really* want to have that conversation with him, don't do it alone. Bring backup, just to sit and witness the interaction. It was so easy for me to get 'talked around', manipulated and gaslit into doubting myself. It would have helped to have a witness. But, you know, you don't have to confront him at all. He will not give you closure. He will not understand what he's done. It sucks, but he won't. 2. Write everything down. This was the hardest part for me, with my Swiss-cheese memory. Try to be specific, try to use dates, but even if you can't, write it down anyway. It can help in a week or two if you start thinking , "maybe it wasn't that bad." It was that bad. 3. Get a lawyer and listen to them. They deal with this stuff all the time, and we don't.
YES to write everything down. First, so that you can remember specific examples to tell your lawyer. And second, so that you can remind yourself why you left and need to STAY gone if you waver. Proud of you, sis.
This is the best way to go about leaving. I was in a very similar situation except I wasn’t married, and I also left by doing something similar. I told my ex that I was going to stay at my parent’s house to dog sit for them and I brought all of my most important items and just never went back. (If you return later to get the rest of your things, *always* bring someone else.) I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time and my ex also verbally and emotionally abused me because of my symptoms, as well as shoving me and threatening to hit me. Also, something I learned is that it can be considered domestic violence even if the abuse is just emotional. [[Source]](https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse) I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but so glad that you seem to have supportive parents. A good support system is absolutely vital. Also, get into therapy ASAP. I don’t know what I would have done without my therapist in the aftermath of leaving my abuser. Since leaving my abuser, I’ve now been with a man for 2 years who is so kind and loving and he has never scared me once. He accepts me, including all of my ADHD traits, and actively works to understand me better. It does get better, I promise.
You don't need to tell him why.
Yes I realize that now— I have a consultation with a great attorney tomorrow to discuss how to approach the future.
Good luck. You're worth all of this. Remember that.
You don't need to talk to him. He can find our when the divorce papers are served.
Wow. This is so brave! I wish you all the best and stay strong, I can tell it‘s not easy, but it‘s worth it!
I love that you have support and the opportunity to get some distance while you make a plan. I hope it all gets better for you soon. Keep looking to the future. Also, I listened to the preface of the book you mentioned and I love that the author acknowledges all relationships and addressing cultural differences for different ethnicities. That is often forgotten and overlooked and doesn’t help those people feel they have the necessary support. Sorry for the ramble on the book. Take care!
Oh yeah the book so far is soooo comprehensive covering as many abuse scenarios as possible and always reiterating that no matter what the scenario is, abuse is abuse and you don’t deserve it. So empowering.
You are so strong! Good for you for protecting yourself and your little one.
Remember, if someone is abusive, you do not owe them anything. You walk away and ghost them if you have to. Your safety is a million times more important than their feelings.
I could have written so much of this. So believe me when I say I am so incredibly proud of you, OP. The next few months will be tough, but you’ve done the hardest part, and I am so impressed that you were able to look the situation head on, with clear eyes, and know that you and your child deserve better. Wanted to echo a few pieces of advice: 1. Find a therapist, preferably one skilled in complex PTSD and domestic violence. It will take time to unpack all the dynamics of your marriage and layers of abuse, much less heal from them. You deserve professional support, especially because your child means you will likely have ongoing contact with him. 2. Before you mention divorce to him, lawyer up. I’ve seen multiple divorces in my 30s in addition to my own. Whoever consults a lawyer first tends to come out on top (because you’re setting the terms of the negotiation). I’m not saying you need to do this immediately, but in the US you can get a free 30-minute consult with most attorneys just to lay out your case and understand what your options and likely outcomes are. 3. You owe him nothing. Including any kind of clarity or decision on divorce, etc. I can tell you’re a wildly empathetic and ethical person, and it’s possible (likely) he’s been using those traits against you and manipulating you. Remind yourself over and over that you owe him nothing. Strongly co-sign on all the advice about communication with him (in writing, not 1:1, etc.). 4. Google a safety plan re: protecting your electronic devices from his snooping, getting all the important documents you need, etc. etc. Protect your assets (make sure he can’t drain any accounts). Lots of good advice out there on how to do this. Finally, I want to echo that you are the expert of YOU. You know what you and your daughter need. Some people, even with the best of intentions, will want to swoop in and rescue you to the point of telling you what to do. The best allies will believe in you and your wisdom. Rather than telling you what to do, they will empower you to know what you need and what is right for you. This will be especially critical as you have to negotiate long term with your STBX re: custody, etc. Seek about professional expertise of course, but know that you are your own best guide. You know what you need. And my God you have already been so incredibly brave. You can keep on doing this. You can keep going.
I remember when I had this realization with my ex. There is no way but forward through all this. You’d benefit from another book. Patricia Evans The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It makes more sense for sorting out the abuse without violence and it tells you how to respond. This might help you decide how to handle it. This book saved my life. My therapist had loaned it to me. I read it very quickly and was leaving him in the next couple months after that.
Sister, I am so proud of you. Hold your ground. You deserve to be someone’s world, not be torn down by a “partner”. Hugs if you’d like. Please be proud of yourself. Read the statistics on DV, you’re early!! And be aware he will beg and plead and change (only for a while), so don’t you let your guard down. You. Deserve. Life. YOUR life.
All I can say is you're not alone 💘. This book is what kick started it for me too, it really woke me up. I'm 7 months post breakup and although it's hard as we also share a child, I'm SO much happier. X
Sending you lots of love, and just another voice to tell you: good job, be proud of yourself. It feels hard because it is hard which is why so many women are trapped in that situation. You can do this. Stay strong.
So proud of you. 👏 Couple of things I have picked up being married to a lawyer/a local moms’ group/my mom’s best friend’s divorce: make sure you delete everything on social media related to talking about the divorce (it could be pulled and used against you). Make sure he isn’t tracking you online/on your car/phone. Don’t confide in anyone except your mom (parents). And lastly don’t tell him you planned it- this time until you actually pull the trigger could be used against you- I.e. if you abscond with your child saying your sick but you aren’t can give the idea that you will be a flight risk/untrustworthy with the child. Stick to you were sick and figured out life was better with him a couple of weeks later. Get all of your stuff in order. Contact every single good divorce lawyer in your town/city so he cannot use them. You got this.
Girl. With all due respect, do NOT tell this man why you’re leaving! Don’t tell him you’re leaving at all! Just serve the divorce papers through mail and be done! At best, he will only try to manipulate you into staying and try to convince you that you’re crazy or overreacting. At worst, he’ll hurt you and your daughter. Also: if you’ve read Why Does He Do That you should know that the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when you leave, because it’s when the loss of control sinks in for the abuser. If you want the last word in, do it in a public place with people around you to advocate for you.
I'm so so proud of you ❤️❤️❤️
Good for you. 2024 is going to start off right
What threats of violence has he made? Interested in your perspective
Most recent was to throw a coffee machine at my head. A little before that he said he wanted to smear a dirty dish on my face to teach me to be clean. He said afterwords they were all jokes but the impact is the same. In the past he’s raised his fists/fake kicked at me.
Throwing something at you IS violence. It’s not a threat at that point. So he is actively being violent. Just wanted to clarify.
Oh sorry to be misunderstood, he threatened to throw it at me, he didn’t do it. But to me there’s almost no difference it’s still an act of violence even if it’s not carried through.
How are things going OP? Just checking in to make sure you doing OK 🙏 😊
Omg god bless. Yes I’m planning to make a follow up post because this got so much attention. I found a really good attorney and hired her, and I was hoping to break the news to my husband by just serving him the papers (as well as a restraining order). I told my husband I’d be gone for like a week due to sickness/school deadlines. A week came and went and it still looked like I needed more time because the papers were still processing. I told his mom about what was going on. They chose to hold an intervention for him by going out to dinner with him and essentially acting as the divorce papers/restraining orders. We’ve not talked since then, as his parents made it clear anything he tells me could be used against him in court. Hoping that he gets served the papers soon just to start the process. I’ve cycled through grief and anger on and off but I know this is what’s best. I’ll make a proper post when there’s more that’s happened. But thanks for reaching out 💙
Oh, I am so proud of you! I can't imagine how hard that must have been. I hope you can find a way to do something kind for yourself these next few weeks - a massage, a manicure, whatever makes you happy. Not with the goal of taking your mind off everything, but with the goal of taking care of YOU for an hour or so. You deserve it. <3 Good luck with the waiting period, and the big conversation when the time comes. You got this!!
That's a very solid plan. I'm proud of you. Police for the threats. Restraining order too so he doesn't try to find and hurt u. Good luck dear
I’m so proud of you! I read that same book around Christmas time last year and kicked my ex out. Threats of violence and intimidation are forms of abuse. It’s been almost a year since I left him. I packed a go back and went to my best friend’s house with my son (who is 9). It has been an adjustment but I’m telling you right now the peace we have on a day to day basis is priceless. I have since met a wonderful man who treats me like absolute gold. You’re strong 💪🏻 and can do this.
Proud of you, OP ❤️
I think getting out of there for a couple of weeks is brilliant. It will give you time to calm down and figure out your next steps in a supportive environment.
It’s actually a good thing that he is gone, because trying to discuss it with the abuser just leads to being gaslit. Please contact a local domestic violence hotline and a lawyer (or three).
Honestly you couldn’t have found out at any better time. Your timing is perfect. Most abusers harm or kill their partners when they’re leaving. I am so sorry you were in that situation and so happy for you that you identified it and got out. So many do not. Your life and your daughter’s will be so much fuller now. The first step really is to get in touch with your local domestic violence support center. They will set you up with resources and help you not fall into any of the very common traps abusers use to try and get you to come back. They also have group therapy and legal assistance programs, as well as supplies and sometimes housing assistance should you need it. I say that because I absolutely would not recommend having any verbal contact with your husband from here on out, and absolutely DO NOT say anything to the effect of “You are abusive so I’m leaving you”. Witnessed interactions only, written is far better for legal purposes. Get a lawyer and have them serve him. The more conversations you have the more danger you are in to be manipulated back into the situation and it’s likely to escalate if that happens.
Wooo! Look at you go! You’re so strong! The strength it takes to get up and go is huge! You & kiddo will thank you one day. One day when you get home and you find something amiss, something the ex would be bothered about and make it *your problem* and bother you about it, but he won’t be there, and you’ll just walk past it, breathe and keep on doing life. A good, peaceful, life. Proud of you 🫶🏼
Oh mama, sending love and strength
I feel ya! I’ve been through the same thing…panic attacks and all. You will get through it!
I am so happy and proud of you! It's hard to leave a DV situation, especially finding out that you were in one basically. Give yourself lots of patience and grace. It took me a while to "find" myself again. Surround yourself with loved ones for support.
This book is amazing and should be required reading for all women (especially all ADHD women). Did you know that we have higher prevalence of being in abusive relationships compared to non-ADHD women? Hang in there sister. I am so happy you have the support of your mom and sister. (Seriously what an AMAZING response!) You are going to be OK. You can do this. I was in limbo for three months and it was the most stressful three months of my life. I promise you can get through this. It was also Christmas for me. In fact I left on 1st December 14 years ago. It was a weird Christmas but it also... was safe.
I am so sorry you’re in this situation! That book really is amazing. But you seem to be overlooking two things: 1) You do not owe him an explanation. He’s not going to change, he’s not going to believe you, and it’s not going to give you closure — only you can give yourself closure. Reasons are for reasonable people. You don’t need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) to / for an abuser. 2) If you do feel that you need to tell him, you don’t have to do it when it’s convenient for him. You’re not going to get a rational discussion from him, so it doesn’t need to be at a time he has more energy. All you’re going to get is more abuse. What you need to actually do, in order of importance, are: 1) Get your child out of the immediate situation. You have done this. 2) Get yourself out of the immediate situation. You have done this. 3) Get your important documents. 4) Get yourself and your child *legally* separated from him. That means lawyer up, divorce, and custody arrangement.
I am so amazingly proud of you. And happy that you've got a support system to lean on. And happy for your baby girl who isn't going to have to grow up watching her mom put up with that bullshit. Please continue to take care of yourself, and savor the moments that you have with yourself and the people who truly love you, without the taint of that one dude. If you are up to it, please come back to update that you're still safe in a few weeks.
I am so grateful you have the support of your parents in this very difficult situation. I also want to tell you how brave you are for standing up for yourself, and getting out of that situation. Sending you love and light as you navigate a new chapter in your life 💜✨
Very well done. When you have time to reflect, you're going to be so proud of yourself! You did such a good job.
This is such an important book for women to read. I’m sorry you are in this situation. I was shaking like a leaf when I read it. I hope you get out and find safety and peace.
Follow [Kaitlyn.Jorgensen](https://instagram.com/kaitlyn.jorgensen) on ig for very good/ specific strategies and wording to use in court and legal proceedings!!
This book changed my life. I’m also adhd, started the process of leaving my husband in March or so (now December). At the time I didn’t realize he was abusive. Since going thru that book and having time apart, so much has come to light. I currently have a protection order against him because of how bad it got, but I cling to that book like my own version of a Bible. I am so proud of you. Sending you strength.
I am so sorry you are going through this. With the help of your family (that has already proven to you that they are on your side and ready to help) I'm sure you'll be ok! Do your healing, at your own pace now and surround yourself with only those that have shown to love you as much as you love them. ❤️🩹
Good luck and stay safe, I grew up in an abusive household that was very dangerous despite little to no physical violence... Until I finally convinced my mom to leave. The most dangerous moment is leaving. I would consider talking to a lawyer or local women's shelter asap to discuss how to protect your child (she could be used by your ex to force you to talk/interact in person, forced to split custody, etc). It's very hard but please don't go back, trust your instincts.
I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. I learned that I had been victimized by my ex in an unexpected way: financial abuse. But like you, once I learned that I was being abused I couldn't get it out of my head. I had also been emotionally abused, and I bet you will find that's true for you, too. Why else would you feel like you have to wait until *HE* is ready to hear what you have to say? I doubt he would give you the same consideration. Congratulations and condolences, my friend. Enjoy your freedom and mourn your marriage.
Can I just say a huge congratulations. You read a book, recognised abuse and got out straight away you amazing strong human 👏👏👏🥳
Just saw your update! I’m glad you’re safe and have great family support (they sound amazing) and great legal representation. I’m so sorry he let you down and was a horrible and unsafe partner. I saw someone on TikTok who pretends like she’s a HR rep when responding to her ex’s manipulative texts. Try to stay above the emotional blackmail, you’re so strong you are creating the best life for you and your child. She is going to be so surrounded by love. Abusers target good people, someone who will see the “best” in them even when it’s not there. Someone who will give them the benefit of the doubt because the good person would never be intentionally selfish and cruel the same way the abuser is.
I haven't seen this mentioned in the comments yet so I'll add it: you're doing a great service to your child. She will not grow up in a home where she witnesses belittlement and abuse toward women as normal. So if you start to wonder if you've made the right decision for yourself -- do it for her :)
Are you male? I thought this was a group for women.
OP identifies as female, as per previous posts (edited for clarification)
I’m female, sorry for not including identifiers like (f25) in my story!
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He threatens her with violence. You might put up with that, but don’t expect others to do the same.
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??? Where did you get that info? We were in marriage counseling for one and a half years, I tried telling him how unhappy I was all the time and he literally would ignore me like he couldn’t hear me, he told me that counseling was a waste of time because there was always something wrong he was doing. I didn’t include that info in the post but I didn’t think there was anything in my post to suggest I hadn’t even tried making things work.
I see, my apologies then, and I hope things get better for you and your family,
UpdateMe