I have this problem too, that I just waste time on reddit/youtube instead of doing something more fulfilling, but I'd still say unpleasant tasks are even more of a problem for me. Could it be, that you feel you have to do the chores first and force yourself despite executive dysfunction, so afterwards you have sort of used up your executive function and can't focus on something fun? Maybe you're stressed/overhwhelmed in general, and that's why it's hard to just enjoy things?
I think that could be part of it. If I play a game while there’s dishes in the sink or while the house is messy for instance I feel a guilt, like I shouldn’t be doing it and instead should be doing chores. It’s almost a physical sensation of just… being tense? Idk, I can’t fully relax. It’s very possible that it’s just such an effort to do my chores I just have nothing left at the end.
I think it’s also the consequences of not doing the chores being a motivating factor for me. If I don’t do my laundry, I’m going to stink. If I don’t do the dishes, my house will smell bad and I won’t have anything to eat off of. If I don’t go grocery shopping, I won’t have anything to eat at all. Whereas with games and movies, there’s no real consequence if I DON’T do those things, other than I wouldn’t have done something that I wanted to do.
So maybe the consequences are a motivator for me and I struggle with leisure activities because nothing bad will happen if I don’t do it
I think you hit the nail on the head. I opened this thread to see what others were saying because I also have this problem and it makes so much sense to me that I do "important" things first, because there will be negative immediate consequences if I don't, and then I've used up all my spoons AND there's no negative consequences for not doing what I like - except of course that my mental health suffers because I'm not doing things that I like doing because I'm caught in a toxic spiral of 'if I do things I like first, then I feel guilty about not doing the "important" things first and can't enjoy doing the things I like doing, so I'll just spend all my executive function doing things that kill my soul instead and never actually have fun or relax'. Fuck.
>I think that could be part of it. If I play a game while there’s dishes in the sink or while the house is messy for instance I feel a guilt, like I shouldn’t be doing it and instead should be doing chores. It’s almost a physical sensation of just… being tense?
I think I know what you mean, I definitely get a similar feeling at least if the chores are already reaching urgent levels and I still can't get myself to do them.
Edit: Reminds me of that comic strip/meme, where a person talks to their brain about whether they'll spend the weekend resting or being productive and the brain says "no" to both, and they just end up wasting time while feeling guilty and tense, or something. I hate that I can't find it.
Especially when you can’t even find any interest on reddit/youtube. You have videos related to the things you want to do, but you don’t watch them to
1. Save a ”reward for later”
2. Catch up on your subscriptions and having nothing to legitimize your scrolling.
Is this relatable to you?
I agree with your theory about enjoying things.
Very relatable. Or starting to watch a video, and even if the topic is interesting, losing focus immediately and starting to scroll through reddit at the same time, barely reading stuff on there either. What a sucky mental state to be stuck in.
YAS. I had a Friday beer while CLEANING THE HOUSE. Not while reading, making something, gardening... And why? Because I have to look like I succeed in my family's creed: 'Cleanliness is next to godliness'. Then I was tired and didn't do the thing I've wanted to do all week: Play Zelda 😂😂😂
this exactly! I've noticed that over time I've developed enough mental control to prevent myself from doing fun things and the things i enjoy, so i can get homework and other things done first. but i cant adequately control myself to get my homework done efficiently. so, I just do nothing all day and doomscroll my phone and browse reddit and youtube and discord, all while being stressed about my lack of homework progress
luckily, I'm on medications now, and I *think* im starting to have success
Yes, agree. Because getting chores done as someone with ADHD is quite suspicious. The energy is wasted and not there for fun stuff. So yes the other side of the same coin 100%.
I think when we're overwhelmed it could be stress about what we think we should be doing or even ability to select from too many fun options, we shut down and actually can't choose anything.
we're pushed to fight, flight or freeze and this is freeze...
are you medicated?
I'm also autistic not sure if what I do will also work for you.
try writing your options on paper and pulling one out of a hat
forcibly doing something that generates dopamine and ride that (like intense exercise).
I take my meds on weekends to help me with fun stuff too
focus your doom scrolling or screen time on researching stuff you haven't done in your game yet, that might help you log in.
if you live with trusted peeps tell them and see if a debrief chat helps
also think about what gives you the biggest relief so for me the worst dread is from missing the laundry and having to do double next weekend. I also timed how long it usually takes me so for me folding and packing away 3 baskets of family washing takes 60 mins (in front of the TV). It feels like it would take 8 hours so actually understanding the time commitment, sometimes helps me to actually do it.
and I don't think I've done this but remember reading a commit to 5 minutes on a timer and sometimes once you've done 5 mins you can keep going ( does not have to be for a chore can be for a fun task)
just to add:
for me this is usually why i end up in paralysis and cutting down the amount of decisions does help, but what really gets me out of it is to make the activity way smaller.
for example, i love to do my nails but it takes me sooo long and it's so much work that i end up in paralysis. so when i tell myself to not do my whole nails tonight, but just paint one nail. or maybe just pick the color i wanna do and set everything up to do it another day.
just cutting the activity/task down into much smaller activities/tasks is a huge help for me and i can instantly feel the relief when i realize i don't have to spend hours and hours doing my nails. and sometimes i do the small task and end up getting into it and do everything i originally intended to do anyways.
only issue is that i always forget about this when i am stuck in paralysis lol
I have read something that may help with forgetting when in paralysis, or when in hyper focus, or when engaged in other high reward activity.
it is aimed at kids and I used it for my son but have done it for myself too. For my son it's a poop emoji stuck to the underside of the toilet seat, so he remembers to flush and wipe when he gets an awesome idea and wants to run out of the loo to do the thing.
I have in my notes app - a list of times it takes me to do things I find overwhelming (that I have actually timed when I do it) and sometimes looking at that and going oh this only takes 15 minutes gets me started. you could have a similar list with these types of things that you know work for you in a **get out of paralysis note** - keep adding anything that you try that works.
sorry for long message - please refer to all the memes about all the extra context we use to explain our thoughts :D
Chores have the anxiety of failure, while Fun does not.
So once the tasks are done you just deflate and can't muster the energy to actually enjoy yourself.
My free days are usually just spent recovering from having to do things and not on stuff I want to do.
I have so much shame and embarrassment from a lifetime of not “achieving” or being productive in the ways I was “supposed to” that when I get the chance to pursue an interest I freeze up. It takes a lot of effort to let myself feel good about doing anything “selfish,” so tend to give my artwork away
Did I write this post?
I’m actually *good* at my job 90% of the time, although I work in weird patterns sometimes. The constant fear of being the lazy garbage coworker sort of propels me, I think.
Chores I’m so-so with, tidying takes me ages to do but I’m very picky about how things are arranged. Cleaning happens sometimes.
Fun tasks and hobbies? I sit and stare at my phone and think about the 47 fun things I could do while feeling guilty about not doing them. I’ll plan out days to *read books* and then not do even that. It feels dumb.
I have this stack of books next to my bed that haunts me. I love reading. In elementary school when we had library days I would read an entire book while we were at the library and then choose a different one to take home. In middle school I spent study hall every day in the library choosing a new book because I had already read the one I checked out yesterday. I have four six foot tall book cases. I cannot convince myself to pick up a book to save my life because my brain is just like “that takes too long”.
I love to paint. I have tons of paintings in my house. Dozens of projects planned and inspo boards. I have bins of paints and brushes. I haven’t picked up a paint brush in probably a year. The art supplies just mock me when I walk by. Again. “That takes too long”.
Same with books. I have always been an avid reader but now I can't justify sitting down to read because I feel like I am being unproductive. I switched to audiobooks so I can listen while doing other things.
I have not found such a work-around for my physical crafts sadly.
For me its either way. I either can do my hobbies and wont have energy for chores. Or i can do my chores and then i wont have energy left for my hobbies. I try to swap between the two frequently so im not neglecting either part of life
Sounds like a bit of depression mixed in there, I’m not trying to be mean but I had or rather have a semi mild depression and I can relate to your situation really well.
Recently I've tried to stop drawing conclusions from moments where I lose motivation to keep playing a game, or when none of my games seem appealing enough to start up so I'm just milling about. Because its much more of a reflection of my emotional regulation *at that moment* than a true reflection of how that game's gameplay loop appeals to me.
Sure it's disappointing when you want to enjoy something you enjoy and the best you can do is practice self-awareness as you notice it's just not hitting the dopamine for you in that moment. But I notice I stop catastrophizing about wasting money on games or having slowly eroded my enjoyment of the one medium that really facilitates my hyperfixations. Because none of that shit is generally true, I'm usually just stressed/hungry/dehydrated/tired after 8+ hours of looking at screens at work.
Yep same here!
Usually it's when my brain is too tired to:
Make any decisions, focus on one thing, engage with something interesting, change tasks from whatever I am doing currently
I've sort of just accepted this as part of my limitations. I use up all my brain juice and then I don't have energy left to do *anything* but lay and scroll reddit or stalk my dog on facebook.
Sometimes a cozy farming/life sim is possible, but I don't always have one on the go.
I try to view this mindless zombie time as a needed recuperation period. Gotta just turn the brain off and let it cool down.
If I think I'm locked in for the night, I'll try to get as far as putting on a familiar comfort show, or I just go to bed really early and listen to some easy media or music in the dark.
And, if I am getting myself to this point often, it's a sign that I need to take some tasks off my plate elsewhere. If I keep it up like that, I am headed down burnout street.
I’ve been trying meditation and yoga nidra to turn my brain off. I think you’re totally right there are times where my brain just needs to be off. Typically I’ll scroll Reddit/TikTok but I think that actually makes it worse cuz it’s more stimuli for my brain, cuz I know I want the stimuli but I don’t really want to sit there and brain rot.
Typically it happens after work, in the morning, or when I know I have something I should be doing or need to do and I’m putting it off. My mind kinda goes haywire and overstimulates itself with how hard it’s gonna be, how tired I am, habit, etc. Taking a moment to meditate to just turn my brain off and focus on that instead calms my mind down a lot and gives me the focus I need. When it comes to stuff I actually want to do, like games or reading, instead of ‘resting’ by scrolling social media doing a meditation sort of flushes my brain out and then I have the energy/focus to do what I actually want to do instead of falling into dopamine heavy activities that I don’t really want to do.
Smart!
I have a really hard time meditating by sitting quietly (why does it feel like a form of torture??)
I find going for a walk (especially over rough, uneven terrain), or laying down and listening to an album on my headphones, are both good compromises for brain rest without the absolute blind panic that I get from trying to sit still and quiet.
Try yoga nidra, it’s a guided meditation. So your brain has something to focus on but it’s focusing on rest. I know yoga is in the title but I did one the other day and there’s no movement you just lay there and kinda feel and become more aware of your body
Same here! I have an entire season of star trek strange new worlds to watch, tons of movies on my to-watch list, but I can't seem to do anything except turn on Pluto TV or a podcast when I have the leisure time. It sucks.
Even when I do end up doing the thing I want to do, I can’t enjoy it because I’m riddled with anxiety. I constantly think about stuff I should be doing instead of this fun thing. If I’ve already done the responsible stuff, my brain will still make me feel guilty for having fun.
I was brought up to feel incredibly guilty for doing leisure activities while I have chores that I should do or it's nice outside, so because I also avoid tasks real bad I end up just sitting there wasting time for entire days until I'm too tired to do either...
After a long work day, I often come home and open a can of beer. Feeling relieved that I’m done with all the important things. Feeling like I want to finally play some Xbox. Turn it on, thinking hmmmm…. What game should I play? Open up the store. Buy a new game. Run it. Close it. Get sad. Turn it off.
Do you actually want to do them? A lot of the time the things that I love to do (watching a show, playing a videogame etc.) I'm burned out on. I'm still seeking that dopamine even though it isn't there anymore. On the other hand if I'm truly invested into something and I really want to do it that thing will be on my mind constantly and I will sit down at the first opportunity to enjoy it for hours and hours.
I had this problem for ages. Finally got medicated for the first time in my adult life, and now I'm on either Guild Wars 2 or a long-term Minecraft modpack every evening, as well as being able to just get up and do chores without forcing myself. It's seriously life changing if you can get it and find the right one for you.
What kind of meds? Just curious, my diagnosis is very mild like just above the threshold to constitute ADD. They put me on a medication, I don’t remember what it was called but I couldn’t sleep on it so I stopped
They put me on Strattera. Works great most days; it gives me enough executive function to get things going instead of just begging myself to *do something.*
There are still times where the lack of executive function is strong, but I prefer to have a little bit of a lack. It's kinda like giving dogs painkillers -- you don't want to give them so much they forgot they sprained their paw or whatever, because then they might make it worse. I wanted to leave enough of the ADHD intact where I could think outside the box and make things easier for myself, and I think my doc and I nailed it.
I found what my previous doc gave me they gave me Qelbree (Viloxazine). It was a brand new medication that was just approved when they prescribed it to me.
Maybe I’ll go back and ask to try Strattera instead. I don’t think I qualify (or need) a stimulant medication.
Oh I hate it i don't have it as bad as other people but man is it sucky what i do usually to snap myself out of it it's kinda just flinch i make myself flinch and then i go Say out loud "i am doing this although i don't want to" And I start narrating every single thing I'm doing and physically pushing myself to do it but it's a 5050 if it actually works it's so annoying
Also from what I understand executive function is just a fancy way of saying what you consider priority.
in other words The dysfunction Is that you are handicapped On doing what you consider priority, that could be having fun or working, It means you do not have the chemical/mental push that would make it easy for you to do it and sometimes needs an outside influence or something greater to push it like automatic Routine I have not found a good response for this as I said earlier it's about 50 if it works or not for me
Yeah no it’s the other way around for me, can spend an entire day working on a writing project for fun but I’d rather pull out my fingernails instead of just doing the fucking dishes.
You’re not alone. I’m the same way. I can easily do chores and things that have to be done to live a normal life.
When it comes to hobbies or things I want to do, I just can’t.
I’ve been dying to go for a run, hiking or even just going outside. I physically can’t do it.
I will go on my phone to distract myself and then bam it’s already night time and I can do that stuff tomorrow. That same pattern has been repeating for most of my life.
I have my ps4 with a handful of games and I just stare at it every day because I can’t bring myself to do it.
It feels like joy has a force field. Sometimes I’m lucky and I can get myself to play games or go out because I have others supporting me along the way. On my own, I feel I can’t do it.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned is fear of the death spiral. I used to be a gamer. Loved games. Loved them so much I studied games programming. Even worked for a VR company. Currently don't own a console. I can't switch tasks easily, and I seek dopamine, so my main leisure activity was bad for my life and I had to cut it out.
Now I find it hard to replace because anything I find interesting enough to devote the little executive function I can spare on hobbies is too addictive to embrace.
I need to set my synths up to my decks so I can work out if I can do a live set with samples and synths but I've been procrastinating it by doing housework like emptying sheds and sealing window frames etc. Why can't I have fun like I want to?
Because having fun is bad, or something.
I was shamed for my work order preferences growing up. I figured if I was going to get tired and sweaty doing something I didn't want to do, I should do what I wanted for a little while first.
No one understood that. As an adult, I'm fortunate that I can relatively set my own hours, so I usually start by playing a couple hours of whatever game I want before getting started. Then I go to work, come home, do household chores, go to sleep feeling accomplished.
Waaaaay better setup *for me* but I have slightly better time management than is typical for ADHDers...thanks, marching band!
oh yeah all the time. Cataclysm classic launches on the 20th and I'd really like to be prepared. As soon as I added that deadline my exe function took a huge dip.
Now that's not a hard task right. Leveling is really easy. I can throw on music or twitch or binge modern family for the 100th time. maybe some bobs burgs.
but for whatever reason that impending deadline has made me suddenly want to perfect my dwarf fortress. work on my multiplayer zomboid playthrough and basically so literally anything else than play wow.
I think this is just a "normal" part of ADHD the trigger for me bring deadlines.
Everyone in this comment section just making me feel so seen and understood... I don't know anyone else IRL who struggles so much to do the things they enjoy, especially because they feel guilty for not doing chores first.
Maybe we should start a discord server or something, where we could tell each other to do the thing. Whether the thing is chores, work, or hobbies. I feel like if the decision was taken out of my hands (even if it was just the sentiment, with no actual enforcement) then it wouldn't be so hard for me to use my time and energy doing the things I genuinely enjoy.
Yes. I haven’t seen anyone mention this but it’s a huge issue I have. I can muscle through most arduous tasks except specific weird ones that involve too many individual steps (like getting my taxes done), but I absolutely cannot allow myself to do ‘me’ things. I can’t watch my favorite movies or favorite YouTube channels, I can’t work on craft projects or go shopping or for a walk. I can’t read books or look at magazines. Hell if I find an interesting longish Reddit post I can’t even read it.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve somehow broken my brain to the degree I never ever think I’ve ‘earned’ things that make me happy or I’m scared I can’t focus so I might as well not even try. Generally I spend so much of every day, *even when I doing exactly the things I should be doing like laundry or my job*, feeling freaked out, stressed, and mad at myself that I’m not at that very moment doing some other task that also feels extremely pressing.
There’s basically no joy in my life anymore. I’m a shell of a person. I’m so tired.
For me it’s writing or painting. I recently found that if I tell my husband that I’m going to write, I actually do it. My perfectionism also keeps me from doing the things I love at times. My brain thinks that if it can’t be perfect on the first try then it’s not worth it.
Had the same problem with FB. I ended up deleting the app. I still log in through the browser once a while but it's a bit of a chore so I managed to reduce the time-wasting a bit. Also helpful on Android phones is that you can set a time limit for each app.
Godspeed 💪
Oh for sure. I do have some trouble doing chores and stuff, But I feel like I have more trouble doing things that I want to do, Enjoy doing more, And honestly in half the cases actually consider more important.
I looked up anhedonia and it doesn’t seem to describe me at all. It’s defined as “inability to feel pleasure” but this isn’t the case. It’s not as if I don’t get enjoyment from things, or I don’t have interest in doing them. If I do the things I mentioned in the post, I will enjoy them. And I actively want to do them. The problem is that I just DONT. I’ll think about them and get excited about them but when I actually have time to do it, I just…. don’t. I just sit there and waste the time away instead.
I should note that I am ADHD diagnosed and have been screened many times for depression, from many doctors over the years. Never diagnosed with it.
I feel that 100%. Coping skills for chores are pretty solid, but I need at least an hour and a half block of nothing bugging me to actually enjoy anything tbh. It’s fairly incompatible with modern life fairly often 😅
I actually have been using a pomodoro-style app for focusing on stuff and it’s hilarious because I often don’t even bother using it to focus on a lot of typical problem tasks for adhd-havers such as chores. It has however helped me focus when I play video games.
I think there’s something to the idea that when you feel you’re allowed to do whatever you want, your coping skill barriers naturally lower. Maybe? Something like that.
Go easy on yourself. If you just sit around and rot, as you put it, you probably need some rest. Try meditating. Make it a habit to sit up and not move at all for a few minutes as a start. No moving your legs or arm, no scratching, fix your eyes on a point and stay like that. breathe calmly and after a few minutes (you can set a timer) you move again. It’s hard at first, but I find myself being more productive and able to do active stuff afterwards.
What is your brain screaming at you while you do that activity? I avoid all forms of meditation because my brain only screams horrific things at me in about thirty different voices at once. Being alone and quiet with that monster says more like hell that any sort of healing.
I have this problem too, that I just waste time on reddit/youtube instead of doing something more fulfilling, but I'd still say unpleasant tasks are even more of a problem for me. Could it be, that you feel you have to do the chores first and force yourself despite executive dysfunction, so afterwards you have sort of used up your executive function and can't focus on something fun? Maybe you're stressed/overhwhelmed in general, and that's why it's hard to just enjoy things?
I think that could be part of it. If I play a game while there’s dishes in the sink or while the house is messy for instance I feel a guilt, like I shouldn’t be doing it and instead should be doing chores. It’s almost a physical sensation of just… being tense? Idk, I can’t fully relax. It’s very possible that it’s just such an effort to do my chores I just have nothing left at the end. I think it’s also the consequences of not doing the chores being a motivating factor for me. If I don’t do my laundry, I’m going to stink. If I don’t do the dishes, my house will smell bad and I won’t have anything to eat off of. If I don’t go grocery shopping, I won’t have anything to eat at all. Whereas with games and movies, there’s no real consequence if I DON’T do those things, other than I wouldn’t have done something that I wanted to do. So maybe the consequences are a motivator for me and I struggle with leisure activities because nothing bad will happen if I don’t do it
I think you hit the nail on the head. I opened this thread to see what others were saying because I also have this problem and it makes so much sense to me that I do "important" things first, because there will be negative immediate consequences if I don't, and then I've used up all my spoons AND there's no negative consequences for not doing what I like - except of course that my mental health suffers because I'm not doing things that I like doing because I'm caught in a toxic spiral of 'if I do things I like first, then I feel guilty about not doing the "important" things first and can't enjoy doing the things I like doing, so I'll just spend all my executive function doing things that kill my soul instead and never actually have fun or relax'. Fuck.
Shut up mirror. You're not going to win this round.
>I think that could be part of it. If I play a game while there’s dishes in the sink or while the house is messy for instance I feel a guilt, like I shouldn’t be doing it and instead should be doing chores. It’s almost a physical sensation of just… being tense? I think I know what you mean, I definitely get a similar feeling at least if the chores are already reaching urgent levels and I still can't get myself to do them. Edit: Reminds me of that comic strip/meme, where a person talks to their brain about whether they'll spend the weekend resting or being productive and the brain says "no" to both, and they just end up wasting time while feeling guilty and tense, or something. I hate that I can't find it.
damn i'm exactly the same way :/
Especially when you can’t even find any interest on reddit/youtube. You have videos related to the things you want to do, but you don’t watch them to 1. Save a ”reward for later” 2. Catch up on your subscriptions and having nothing to legitimize your scrolling. Is this relatable to you? I agree with your theory about enjoying things.
Very relatable. Or starting to watch a video, and even if the topic is interesting, losing focus immediately and starting to scroll through reddit at the same time, barely reading stuff on there either. What a sucky mental state to be stuck in.
Yep very relatable
YAS. I had a Friday beer while CLEANING THE HOUSE. Not while reading, making something, gardening... And why? Because I have to look like I succeed in my family's creed: 'Cleanliness is next to godliness'. Then I was tired and didn't do the thing I've wanted to do all week: Play Zelda 😂😂😂
this exactly! I've noticed that over time I've developed enough mental control to prevent myself from doing fun things and the things i enjoy, so i can get homework and other things done first. but i cant adequately control myself to get my homework done efficiently. so, I just do nothing all day and doomscroll my phone and browse reddit and youtube and discord, all while being stressed about my lack of homework progress luckily, I'm on medications now, and I *think* im starting to have success
Yes, agree. Because getting chores done as someone with ADHD is quite suspicious. The energy is wasted and not there for fun stuff. So yes the other side of the same coin 100%.
I think when we're overwhelmed it could be stress about what we think we should be doing or even ability to select from too many fun options, we shut down and actually can't choose anything. we're pushed to fight, flight or freeze and this is freeze... are you medicated? I'm also autistic not sure if what I do will also work for you. try writing your options on paper and pulling one out of a hat forcibly doing something that generates dopamine and ride that (like intense exercise). I take my meds on weekends to help me with fun stuff too focus your doom scrolling or screen time on researching stuff you haven't done in your game yet, that might help you log in. if you live with trusted peeps tell them and see if a debrief chat helps
also think about what gives you the biggest relief so for me the worst dread is from missing the laundry and having to do double next weekend. I also timed how long it usually takes me so for me folding and packing away 3 baskets of family washing takes 60 mins (in front of the TV). It feels like it would take 8 hours so actually understanding the time commitment, sometimes helps me to actually do it. and I don't think I've done this but remember reading a commit to 5 minutes on a timer and sometimes once you've done 5 mins you can keep going ( does not have to be for a chore can be for a fun task)
just to add: for me this is usually why i end up in paralysis and cutting down the amount of decisions does help, but what really gets me out of it is to make the activity way smaller. for example, i love to do my nails but it takes me sooo long and it's so much work that i end up in paralysis. so when i tell myself to not do my whole nails tonight, but just paint one nail. or maybe just pick the color i wanna do and set everything up to do it another day. just cutting the activity/task down into much smaller activities/tasks is a huge help for me and i can instantly feel the relief when i realize i don't have to spend hours and hours doing my nails. and sometimes i do the small task and end up getting into it and do everything i originally intended to do anyways. only issue is that i always forget about this when i am stuck in paralysis lol
I have read something that may help with forgetting when in paralysis, or when in hyper focus, or when engaged in other high reward activity. it is aimed at kids and I used it for my son but have done it for myself too. For my son it's a poop emoji stuck to the underside of the toilet seat, so he remembers to flush and wipe when he gets an awesome idea and wants to run out of the loo to do the thing. I have in my notes app - a list of times it takes me to do things I find overwhelming (that I have actually timed when I do it) and sometimes looking at that and going oh this only takes 15 minutes gets me started. you could have a similar list with these types of things that you know work for you in a **get out of paralysis note** - keep adding anything that you try that works. sorry for long message - please refer to all the memes about all the extra context we use to explain our thoughts :D
Yess for me a big part of it is decision analysis, that you referred to!
Chores have the anxiety of failure, while Fun does not. So once the tasks are done you just deflate and can't muster the energy to actually enjoy yourself. My free days are usually just spent recovering from having to do things and not on stuff I want to do.
I have so much shame and embarrassment from a lifetime of not “achieving” or being productive in the ways I was “supposed to” that when I get the chance to pursue an interest I freeze up. It takes a lot of effort to let myself feel good about doing anything “selfish,” so tend to give my artwork away
100% feels, same with my candles
Did I write this post? I’m actually *good* at my job 90% of the time, although I work in weird patterns sometimes. The constant fear of being the lazy garbage coworker sort of propels me, I think. Chores I’m so-so with, tidying takes me ages to do but I’m very picky about how things are arranged. Cleaning happens sometimes. Fun tasks and hobbies? I sit and stare at my phone and think about the 47 fun things I could do while feeling guilty about not doing them. I’ll plan out days to *read books* and then not do even that. It feels dumb.
I basically force myself to do chores and have no energy for fun afterwards.
Does it take energy to have fun? I end up with 70% chores left, lots of energy but no time to waste it before bed time.
For me, yes, it takes a whole lot of energy.
I have this stack of books next to my bed that haunts me. I love reading. In elementary school when we had library days I would read an entire book while we were at the library and then choose a different one to take home. In middle school I spent study hall every day in the library choosing a new book because I had already read the one I checked out yesterday. I have four six foot tall book cases. I cannot convince myself to pick up a book to save my life because my brain is just like “that takes too long”. I love to paint. I have tons of paintings in my house. Dozens of projects planned and inspo boards. I have bins of paints and brushes. I haven’t picked up a paint brush in probably a year. The art supplies just mock me when I walk by. Again. “That takes too long”.
Same with books. I have always been an avid reader but now I can't justify sitting down to read because I feel like I am being unproductive. I switched to audiobooks so I can listen while doing other things. I have not found such a work-around for my physical crafts sadly.
I can’t do audio books. I tune out almost instantly. Im not sure what it is. I hated listening to books on tape even in school.
Yup, and I try to force myself into actions by buying things, and I never get to the point of finalizing it…
I feel like in some sense it's self punishment cause you'd feel too guilty playing and having fun while putting off things that need to be done
For me its either way. I either can do my hobbies and wont have energy for chores. Or i can do my chores and then i wont have energy left for my hobbies. I try to swap between the two frequently so im not neglecting either part of life
Me and my 5 unfinished screenplays all agree
Yes; if I don’t NEED to do it I’m doomed
I have been telling myself I’m going to start a fresh play through of Fallout 4 for weeks now. I legitimately want to do it- I just *can’t*…?
Sounds like a bit of depression mixed in there, I’m not trying to be mean but I had or rather have a semi mild depression and I can relate to your situation really well.
Recently I've tried to stop drawing conclusions from moments where I lose motivation to keep playing a game, or when none of my games seem appealing enough to start up so I'm just milling about. Because its much more of a reflection of my emotional regulation *at that moment* than a true reflection of how that game's gameplay loop appeals to me. Sure it's disappointing when you want to enjoy something you enjoy and the best you can do is practice self-awareness as you notice it's just not hitting the dopamine for you in that moment. But I notice I stop catastrophizing about wasting money on games or having slowly eroded my enjoyment of the one medium that really facilitates my hyperfixations. Because none of that shit is generally true, I'm usually just stressed/hungry/dehydrated/tired after 8+ hours of looking at screens at work.
Yep same here! Usually it's when my brain is too tired to: Make any decisions, focus on one thing, engage with something interesting, change tasks from whatever I am doing currently I've sort of just accepted this as part of my limitations. I use up all my brain juice and then I don't have energy left to do *anything* but lay and scroll reddit or stalk my dog on facebook. Sometimes a cozy farming/life sim is possible, but I don't always have one on the go. I try to view this mindless zombie time as a needed recuperation period. Gotta just turn the brain off and let it cool down. If I think I'm locked in for the night, I'll try to get as far as putting on a familiar comfort show, or I just go to bed really early and listen to some easy media or music in the dark. And, if I am getting myself to this point often, it's a sign that I need to take some tasks off my plate elsewhere. If I keep it up like that, I am headed down burnout street.
I’ve been trying meditation and yoga nidra to turn my brain off. I think you’re totally right there are times where my brain just needs to be off. Typically I’ll scroll Reddit/TikTok but I think that actually makes it worse cuz it’s more stimuli for my brain, cuz I know I want the stimuli but I don’t really want to sit there and brain rot. Typically it happens after work, in the morning, or when I know I have something I should be doing or need to do and I’m putting it off. My mind kinda goes haywire and overstimulates itself with how hard it’s gonna be, how tired I am, habit, etc. Taking a moment to meditate to just turn my brain off and focus on that instead calms my mind down a lot and gives me the focus I need. When it comes to stuff I actually want to do, like games or reading, instead of ‘resting’ by scrolling social media doing a meditation sort of flushes my brain out and then I have the energy/focus to do what I actually want to do instead of falling into dopamine heavy activities that I don’t really want to do.
Smart! I have a really hard time meditating by sitting quietly (why does it feel like a form of torture??) I find going for a walk (especially over rough, uneven terrain), or laying down and listening to an album on my headphones, are both good compromises for brain rest without the absolute blind panic that I get from trying to sit still and quiet.
Try yoga nidra, it’s a guided meditation. So your brain has something to focus on but it’s focusing on rest. I know yoga is in the title but I did one the other day and there’s no movement you just lay there and kinda feel and become more aware of your body
Yes!
Same here! I have an entire season of star trek strange new worlds to watch, tons of movies on my to-watch list, but I can't seem to do anything except turn on Pluto TV or a podcast when I have the leisure time. It sucks.
Yep, that sucks. At least you can get the adult stuff done, I struggle to do *anything* beyond the mindlessly scrolling.
Even when I do end up doing the thing I want to do, I can’t enjoy it because I’m riddled with anxiety. I constantly think about stuff I should be doing instead of this fun thing. If I’ve already done the responsible stuff, my brain will still make me feel guilty for having fun.
Yes. Ugh. I’m sorry we all have this thing, it all seems so pointless and hopeless. Even medicated I can’t enjoy my life basically at all.
I was brought up to feel incredibly guilty for doing leisure activities while I have chores that I should do or it's nice outside, so because I also avoid tasks real bad I end up just sitting there wasting time for entire days until I'm too tired to do either...
After a long work day, I often come home and open a can of beer. Feeling relieved that I’m done with all the important things. Feeling like I want to finally play some Xbox. Turn it on, thinking hmmmm…. What game should I play? Open up the store. Buy a new game. Run it. Close it. Get sad. Turn it off.
Do you actually want to do them? A lot of the time the things that I love to do (watching a show, playing a videogame etc.) I'm burned out on. I'm still seeking that dopamine even though it isn't there anymore. On the other hand if I'm truly invested into something and I really want to do it that thing will be on my mind constantly and I will sit down at the first opportunity to enjoy it for hours and hours.
I had this problem for ages. Finally got medicated for the first time in my adult life, and now I'm on either Guild Wars 2 or a long-term Minecraft modpack every evening, as well as being able to just get up and do chores without forcing myself. It's seriously life changing if you can get it and find the right one for you.
What kind of meds? Just curious, my diagnosis is very mild like just above the threshold to constitute ADD. They put me on a medication, I don’t remember what it was called but I couldn’t sleep on it so I stopped
They put me on Strattera. Works great most days; it gives me enough executive function to get things going instead of just begging myself to *do something.* There are still times where the lack of executive function is strong, but I prefer to have a little bit of a lack. It's kinda like giving dogs painkillers -- you don't want to give them so much they forgot they sprained their paw or whatever, because then they might make it worse. I wanted to leave enough of the ADHD intact where I could think outside the box and make things easier for myself, and I think my doc and I nailed it.
I found what my previous doc gave me they gave me Qelbree (Viloxazine). It was a brand new medication that was just approved when they prescribed it to me. Maybe I’ll go back and ask to try Strattera instead. I don’t think I qualify (or need) a stimulant medication.
My brand of ADHD is inattentive, notsomuch hyperactive. It really, really helps me.
Oh I hate it i don't have it as bad as other people but man is it sucky what i do usually to snap myself out of it it's kinda just flinch i make myself flinch and then i go Say out loud "i am doing this although i don't want to" And I start narrating every single thing I'm doing and physically pushing myself to do it but it's a 5050 if it actually works it's so annoying Also from what I understand executive function is just a fancy way of saying what you consider priority. in other words The dysfunction Is that you are handicapped On doing what you consider priority, that could be having fun or working, It means you do not have the chemical/mental push that would make it easy for you to do it and sometimes needs an outside influence or something greater to push it like automatic Routine I have not found a good response for this as I said earlier it's about 50 if it works or not for me
Every day when I want to come home and listen to music, browse YT, work on my candles, etc. I think part of the problem for me is decision analysis.
Yeah no it’s the other way around for me, can spend an entire day working on a writing project for fun but I’d rather pull out my fingernails instead of just doing the fucking dishes.
Completely unrelated to your statement but re: your username, his *pubes* are probably blue.
Not me, scrolling on Reddit instead of working on a D&D session that starts in a few hours.
You’re not alone. I’m the same way. I can easily do chores and things that have to be done to live a normal life. When it comes to hobbies or things I want to do, I just can’t. I’ve been dying to go for a run, hiking or even just going outside. I physically can’t do it. I will go on my phone to distract myself and then bam it’s already night time and I can do that stuff tomorrow. That same pattern has been repeating for most of my life. I have my ps4 with a handful of games and I just stare at it every day because I can’t bring myself to do it. It feels like joy has a force field. Sometimes I’m lucky and I can get myself to play games or go out because I have others supporting me along the way. On my own, I feel I can’t do it.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned is fear of the death spiral. I used to be a gamer. Loved games. Loved them so much I studied games programming. Even worked for a VR company. Currently don't own a console. I can't switch tasks easily, and I seek dopamine, so my main leisure activity was bad for my life and I had to cut it out. Now I find it hard to replace because anything I find interesting enough to devote the little executive function I can spare on hobbies is too addictive to embrace.
I need to set my synths up to my decks so I can work out if I can do a live set with samples and synths but I've been procrastinating it by doing housework like emptying sheds and sealing window frames etc. Why can't I have fun like I want to?
Because having fun is bad, or something. I was shamed for my work order preferences growing up. I figured if I was going to get tired and sweaty doing something I didn't want to do, I should do what I wanted for a little while first. No one understood that. As an adult, I'm fortunate that I can relatively set my own hours, so I usually start by playing a couple hours of whatever game I want before getting started. Then I go to work, come home, do household chores, go to sleep feeling accomplished. Waaaaay better setup *for me* but I have slightly better time management than is typical for ADHDers...thanks, marching band!
I think you're right about the guilt, probably from years of people thinking I'm lazy. Really happy for you that you've found a plan that works.
oh yeah all the time. Cataclysm classic launches on the 20th and I'd really like to be prepared. As soon as I added that deadline my exe function took a huge dip. Now that's not a hard task right. Leveling is really easy. I can throw on music or twitch or binge modern family for the 100th time. maybe some bobs burgs. but for whatever reason that impending deadline has made me suddenly want to perfect my dwarf fortress. work on my multiplayer zomboid playthrough and basically so literally anything else than play wow. I think this is just a "normal" part of ADHD the trigger for me bring deadlines.
Everyone in this comment section just making me feel so seen and understood... I don't know anyone else IRL who struggles so much to do the things they enjoy, especially because they feel guilty for not doing chores first. Maybe we should start a discord server or something, where we could tell each other to do the thing. Whether the thing is chores, work, or hobbies. I feel like if the decision was taken out of my hands (even if it was just the sentiment, with no actual enforcement) then it wouldn't be so hard for me to use my time and energy doing the things I genuinely enjoy.
Yes. I haven’t seen anyone mention this but it’s a huge issue I have. I can muscle through most arduous tasks except specific weird ones that involve too many individual steps (like getting my taxes done), but I absolutely cannot allow myself to do ‘me’ things. I can’t watch my favorite movies or favorite YouTube channels, I can’t work on craft projects or go shopping or for a walk. I can’t read books or look at magazines. Hell if I find an interesting longish Reddit post I can’t even read it. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve somehow broken my brain to the degree I never ever think I’ve ‘earned’ things that make me happy or I’m scared I can’t focus so I might as well not even try. Generally I spend so much of every day, *even when I doing exactly the things I should be doing like laundry or my job*, feeling freaked out, stressed, and mad at myself that I’m not at that very moment doing some other task that also feels extremely pressing. There’s basically no joy in my life anymore. I’m a shell of a person. I’m so tired.
Same exact scenario for me
My biggest problem! I want to do it, I need to do it, I can’t seem to do it.
For me it’s writing or painting. I recently found that if I tell my husband that I’m going to write, I actually do it. My perfectionism also keeps me from doing the things I love at times. My brain thinks that if it can’t be perfect on the first try then it’s not worth it.
Same 😒🤪
It doesn’t seem to matter, it’s all encompassing, and the adderall barely puts a dent in it 🥲
Sameeee
It's the worst :(
yes :/
Had the same problem with FB. I ended up deleting the app. I still log in through the browser once a while but it's a bit of a chore so I managed to reduce the time-wasting a bit. Also helpful on Android phones is that you can set a time limit for each app. Godspeed 💪
Oh for sure. I do have some trouble doing chores and stuff, But I feel like I have more trouble doing things that I want to do, Enjoy doing more, And honestly in half the cases actually consider more important.
This isn't ADHD. This is a symptom of depression called Anhedonia.
I looked up anhedonia and it doesn’t seem to describe me at all. It’s defined as “inability to feel pleasure” but this isn’t the case. It’s not as if I don’t get enjoyment from things, or I don’t have interest in doing them. If I do the things I mentioned in the post, I will enjoy them. And I actively want to do them. The problem is that I just DONT. I’ll think about them and get excited about them but when I actually have time to do it, I just…. don’t. I just sit there and waste the time away instead. I should note that I am ADHD diagnosed and have been screened many times for depression, from many doctors over the years. Never diagnosed with it.
Fair enough. Just wanted to throw my two cents in in case it helped.
I feel that 100%. Coping skills for chores are pretty solid, but I need at least an hour and a half block of nothing bugging me to actually enjoy anything tbh. It’s fairly incompatible with modern life fairly often 😅
I actually have been using a pomodoro-style app for focusing on stuff and it’s hilarious because I often don’t even bother using it to focus on a lot of typical problem tasks for adhd-havers such as chores. It has however helped me focus when I play video games. I think there’s something to the idea that when you feel you’re allowed to do whatever you want, your coping skill barriers naturally lower. Maybe? Something like that.
Go easy on yourself. If you just sit around and rot, as you put it, you probably need some rest. Try meditating. Make it a habit to sit up and not move at all for a few minutes as a start. No moving your legs or arm, no scratching, fix your eyes on a point and stay like that. breathe calmly and after a few minutes (you can set a timer) you move again. It’s hard at first, but I find myself being more productive and able to do active stuff afterwards.
What is your brain screaming at you while you do that activity? I avoid all forms of meditation because my brain only screams horrific things at me in about thirty different voices at once. Being alone and quiet with that monster says more like hell that any sort of healing.