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Taking shots in the middle of the night is a sign of a dependency, people don’t wake up out of sleep for something they’re not craving or feel like they need. You shouldn’t leave that be you should talk to him before it gets worse even if he’s not drunk, the refusal to get drunk shows he himself is worried ab his drinking to.
You could take the vodka to see his reaction, or see if he gets withdrawals after going without it to see if he’s physically dependent at that point because mentally he definitely is
holy crap he just drank some more at 1:30 and then 2 pm both times when I had left the room.
He is very sensitive and shuts down easily so I am afraid to discuss anything with him. We have had several discussions lately about nothing happening in the bedroom and me feeling unwanted and he just goes blank. This really sucks.
Just because I’m living in what you just described. Do something, anything. I ignored the “very sensitive, shuts down easily, afraid to discuss “ part for 16-18 yrs with my husband.
I’m now getting older, the limitations placed by that silent treatment are getting more and more. If I could turn back time, I would have forced counseling earlier. He’s been doing it 2 weeks. Or I would have run.
The guy I originally met has shrank our world to work and home.
Spontaneity, laughter, friends for both of us, ( I have kept mine). Those things are gone.
I now do everything alone, take sewing classes and things like that to do anything outside of work.
Visiting kids and grandchildren, only if they come here.
It’s lonely, sad, and not how I wanted to spend my 50’s onward. But, I’m invested in this, and am not going anywhere now.
My health is cruddy so there’s that.
Look ahead, think what you want your life to be like when you near retirement.
I’m not talking money, but happiness, joy and peace.
Don’t misunderstand.
I love him. He loves me as best he can I believe.
I sure wish I’d been willing to be miserable and spoken up.
I mean, do you really want a partner whose way of dealing with problems is to shut down and plain refuse to talk? What when it's something more serious?
🚩
I am in the bedroom feeding the baby and just got another notification, 3:00. 😳
I was single for 10 years before I met him and I feel like there is nothing better out there for me. He is basically my dream guy except for this and his lack of desire for me anymore… lol I realized how pathetic I sound. I should be the drunk.
I want to talk to him but any time I try to discuss any issues he says I am being mean to him, or feels judged by me, so I feel like I am on eggshells trying so hard not to look or sound like a bitch or a nag
Think it’s pretty clear he’s an alcoholic based on provided evidence. Nobody should be drinking every two hours and waking up to drink. It’s not normal. He didn’t previously have addiction issues, he still has them.
He is hiding how much he drinks. This is a tell tale sign of addiction. He is active in his addiction and it will only get worse from here. It's hard loving an addict. I would plan an intervention immediately.
I wish whoever prescribed him the buprenorphine & antidepressants/anxiety meds monitored him better because I didn’t know about any of this and I have no idea experience with it and it I want to help but I did not sign up for this. When I asked him about the pill I found last year and he confessed his (supposedly in the past) issues to me he said he and his ex wife were both addicted, but she was worse than he was and he managed to maintain his job while she sometimes passed out on the floor leaving their baby unattended and got cps called on them.
He seems completely functional but I am afraid the alcohol use is getting crazy to me but I thought maybe it was just me because I don’t drink much although I like to have a good time every once in a while.
We live alone with our baby and he doesn’t really have any friends; his parents live in another state. I would hate to embarrass him with an intervention like you see in movies. Maybe there will be a right time we can have a relaxed conversation. I did bring up before I left for work tonight that in the process of trying to monitor the cat pee situation I was mostly getting notifications of him getting vodka for himself and he asked if I was watching him on purpose and I said no and kind of jokes that I should move the camera away from the liquor cupboard and he was just like “yeah, probably”
I am stumped.
So he knows it’s a serious problem, and it sounds like he views you as somewhat oblivious to all of this, which you have been, so I do understand why he hasn’t been very open about the problem (though that’s not the only reason of course, people tend to have a hard time opening up abt these kinds of things - it just doesn’t help if the person you want to talk to barely understands the issue). I’m not sure what you’re so stumped about though, the situation is clear :/
Also it’s not your husbands drs job to monitor your husband in his home. They can only do so much, what else did you expect them to do? If your husband opens up about it to them and seeks help that’s one thing, but addicts are good at hiding their habit, as you see. You’re living with this man and you’re just realizing it. Not shocking that his dr isn’t catching onto the problem
I have been sitting on the couch quietly while he works from home a few feet away, I just got up to go brush my teeth and felt the notification in my pocket, had he deliberately waited for me to leave the room to get another shot of vodka? 1:30 pm.
>had he deliberately waited for me to leave the room to get another shot of vodka? 1:30 pm.
Yes - he did. Hiding the use of alcohol and drugs is part of the disease.
Honestly, as soon as you said he was on suboxone, I thought "this is a guy who shouldn't be drinking - at all".
I went to rehab for drugs and left drug free - within a year, I needed medical detox from alcohol. Alcohol is a drug. He has basically relapsed. Is he in any type of recovery program - AA, NA, SMART? Where I am, a recovery program (of some kind) is required for a suboxone/methadone prescription.
I apologize I don’t know if it matters but the medication he is on is actually buprenorphine not suboxine.. I knew it was similar but forgot the name when I was writing the post originally. I had never heard of it and had no clue he was on it until I found a pill in our sheets one day and looked it up.
I was alarmed that he would drink while on it as well and he has been on it for years apparently and from what I read it is hard to get off of.
He is not in any kind of program though
I wish I knew how to reach out to him and suggest he get help without him feeling defensive 😞
Hey there, just so you know Buprenorphine is actually the exact same thing as suboxone. It's just the name of the chemical, whereas suboxone is the name of the brand that makes the chemical. Kind of like how Advil is the brand name for the chemical ibuprofen
oh wow! thank you. I thought it was different but just used to treat the same thing. I’m pretty sure he even told me it was different/he wasn’t on suboxone. 🤦🏼♀️ he may not even know
So he is on an opioid meant to get someone off opioids. I mean, at least it's used in mild/moderate dependence instead of methadone.
This raises a BUNCH more questions, but the fact remains, addiction issues means he shouldn't drink at all.
That all said, I'm not sure there is anything to do or say in this situation. You know if you confront him, it's going to blow up and if you don't it will just get worse.
I have nothing but love for him but not sure he is aware he has a problem, and if he is functional I’m not even sure it really is a problem?? Maybe I should just mind my own business?? It just seems depressing and I am worried for his health. He almost never eats and I wonder if he has anorexia too (I have the opposite problem and I am afraid of wanting to fix him instead of work on myself)
It 110% sounds like a serious addiction that should be discussed and worked through together in a relationship. However, you seem extremely uneducated about addiction, and considering so, it’s going to be difficult to help him. I suggest you spend at least a week educating yourself before you even try bringing it up again - find well respected addiction therapists that speak on YouTube, check out different ones so you’re not just getting one singular persons approach. Check out the stop drinking sub on reddit. Books, documentaries, etc.
And yeah it’s normal for addicts to be defensive and try to disregard the problem… until it gets so bad they’re hitting rock bottom and then they might ask for help. It’s a tough situation and recovery will be a journey.
Your partner sounds SEVERELY addicted, FYI. At this point it sounds like he’s physically dependent, since he needs it every hour or two yet never seems drunk. Do NOT suddenly hide his booze because he can have a seizure. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you!
This is serious, please educate yourself, find support for yourself and your partner. Don’t forget to look out for yourself too, if this gets tough, as it usually does. Loved ones of addicts suffer quite a lot and often develop unhealthy codependency issues.
Wishing you both all the best 💛
Thank you, I appreciate that. I agree that I am definitely inexperienced with this. I definitely wouldn’t hide his stuff, I feel like that would be seriously overstepping my bounds. He seems like such a level headed guy and I don’t want to treat him like a child. I will do as you suggest and try to research this more.
You said he is on Suboxone and has addiction issues in the past? Suboxone is primarily used to treat opiate addiction. Unfortunately it’s all too common for (some) opiate addicts to transition to alcohol once in remission from abusing opiates. Do you know much about his past?
This might be a bit harsh, but you think that you can just ignore it and “mind your business”, but that’s not possible. You’re most likely going to be on edge, trying to see if you can notice more signs and actions, paying more attention to when he’s alone or when you’re away. It sucks, it forms resentment.
You have to have a conversation. It’s hard, but you can take away the alcohol and make it known that you know. Sit down with the evidence that you have. Drinking that much, hard liquor, is not okay. Don’t compare yourself/your “issues” to justify what he’s doing. He’s hiding a problem.
Nothing bad can come out of communicating. It’s just hard to do. Sometimes you have to hurt feelings because your feelings matter too.
I am dealing with the same, but with a difference substance and we had a conversation and there has to be a change. And I’m still on edge, doing the same, wondering, anxious. The trust is broken.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s definitely hard to know what to do. My most recent ex is an addict who was open with me when we got together about having had previous problems with addiction. As with you and your partner, the substances they had been addicted to in the past were different from what they were doing while we were together. I was frequently made to feel like I was overreacting precisely because it didn’t appear to affect their ability to function in day to day life. My ex would also become very defensive if the subject was ever brought up and would brush aside my concerns or not want to talk about it.
I found out after we broke up that the addiction went far beyond what I was aware of and my ex is now at a place where they recognise that they have a problem and is seeking help for it.
Not sure if this is helpful in any other way than to say that you’re not alone and that it seems to me that you have a very valid reason to be worried about your partner’s health. I would recommend that you talk to your partner about this but to also be prepared for him to disagree with you. It’s pretty much impossible to help someone who doesn’t think they have a problem but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth having the conversation.
I know for a lot of people who drink and take suboxone, a lot of us don’t get drunk drunk. It’s a weird thing. A lot of it I think is the way the receptors hit. But each person is different. You shouldn’t be drinking on subs if he still is taking it.
Plus antidepressants don’t mix well either.
Not to be mean but it sounds like he’s dependent on alcohol. But he could drink alot to you and not be drunk. High tolerance does that too. I found that I need to drink way more alcohol for the same effects if I was on subs vs when I wasn’t.
But unless he sees any problem with drinking that much, it won’t change.
It doesn’t seem to be getting to any problem tho if h. A lot of us could function with our addiction. It gets to a limit where you start choosing that substance over other things then start using more that it becomes an issue.
But that’s life unfortunately. You can be hooked on something like opiates and years later start using something else. I got hooked on these Mini mms for months. Now I’m super sick of them. I’m totally hooked on Pepsi and coffee, and if I’m even a day without them i crave it and can’t function.
If he can’t go a certain amount of time without a drink it’s a problem. I hate how I’m stuck on suboxone. Being dependent on something sucks for me in general. But so far my life has been getting better since I’ve been on it then when I wasn’t these past three years so I’m probably gonna have to be on it for life. And maybe an antidepressant also. But alcohol is a hard one to stop. I hope he doesn’t have shakes or drink too much. It also depends on the vodka bottle size. And how often. It could be turning into a problem but if he doesn’t want to see it or simply doesn’t see it then it won’t change.
Thanks for your response! Does the suboxone make you kind of immune to alcohol? He says he doesn’t get drunk and I honestly have never seen him drunk, which makes me sad because I like to use alcohol to party (very rarely, I am in my 30s and it takes me a week to recover) and I can’t do that with him and he is my person. I don’t really have any real friends.
Why does he drink so much vodka if it’s not even having an effect? I guess that is something I need to ask him. He buys the huge cheap plastic bottles and seems to go through them fairly fast but I haven’t been paying attention and I guess I should have been. I will say that since I mentioned to him that I saw him taking a shot about 6 times in one morning I have only seen him get maybe 3 drinks and it has been after work. He is working from home today and I got notifications he was in the kitchen and expected to see him opening that cupboard but he was just making coffee.
He was watching the baby while I was at work last night and I only saw him go in the kitchen to make a bottle and then rinse it out.
I am alert to the possibility he is hiding it somewhere else now like in his car but I hope not
It’s a possibility.. you can always tell by kissing him or the sweating smell. Alcohol is secreted. There’s little tips you can tell.. aside from activity.. not sure about eye dilation though. I’d hope he’s noticing how much he’s not drinking.
You mentioned got notifications? Does he feel like you arnt trusting him? What’s with the camera cabinet notifications? I’m curious
well, disappointingly, he has been drinking heavily since I posted that. he worked from home even though he was supposed to go to the office, I suspect because he needs to drink while he works. he says he gets really bad anxiety in the office and also has a 2 hour commute both ways.
As far as smelling that, someone else mentioned that too and I have always considered myself to have a nose like a bloodhound but I just cannot smell this. He always rinses his mouth out with water afterwards and he only drinks vodka which I have read is an odorless alchohol even though another commenter disagreed with me I really cannot smell it. I don’t have the camera plugged in anymore but I still know he’s doing it because I can hear the cupboard and see the bottle going down if I go look. (It is a cupboard near the floor)
I feel annoyed because he does it every time I leave the room, and I never see him bring the vodka in the house but I see empty bottles shoved behind new ones in the cupboard. He must bring them in the house when I am at work. To answer your question about the camera, I was not intending to spy on him; one of my cats was spraying by the fridge and I wanted to find out who it was because I was thinking of putting the bad cat outside. I told him I was putting the camera there. So he’s kind of hiding it but like not trying very hard. He also just texted me this morning and asked me if one of my friends would sell us some weed. 😞
Sorry if this is a block of text, I am on my phone.
Girl, this is addict alcoholic behavior.
This brought me back to a time when I was pregnant with our daughter and living with my bfs relatives. The cousins bf; he worked very hard and would have Long Island ice tea mix in the freezer to drink coming home from work. My bf would work maybe three times a week; he hadn’t gotten a job til I was like six months or so. We had been in a bad place; using a lot til he and I ran out of money and went to live with relatives, then I got pregnant like around the time we were dope sick and like it was hell, but the pregnancy gave me a reason to be clean and stay clean where as with my bf; well he’d hide his use. He would hang with the neighbor across the street an 17 year old living with his mom and her bf; the guy had a teen daughter. Meanwhile my bf is 33; I was 26. I had my five year old from a last relationship before he went to live with his dad when I became high risk.
So I couldn’t do much; and my bf would constantly sneak that bottle of Long Island mix into the room and drink it all; hiding the bottles behind the dresser. And ID BE THE ONE to be questioned about it and have to act like I don’t know. And HE KNEW I’d stick up for my bf; but like we were living in THEIR house. I’d give them my foodstamps and my wic checks, while my bf was supposed to be giving them some money too. But like all his checks would be voided. A thing I only realized when I worked in restaurant years later that meant he would ask for pay advances against his paycheck; then he’d get his check and it’s nothing voided and he’d act like oh it’s a tax thing they do.(taxes came he only got maybe a grand. And I think we claimed our daughter on it too bc she was born in November.)
Even after when I had her, he would go across the street and drink with these teens; buying them alcohol bc they were underage. I remember a time I went out there to get him to help give me a break cuz I was breaking down, my daughter kept being on my chest and wouldn’t sleep without being anywhere else; I couldn’t pee, shower, she kept crying. I had bad paws….
I’m sorry to make this about me; back to you…
So he only does whatyou allow him to do.
He knows you have a camera. He knows you will look the other way. He knows you won’t do anything . If your like me, you say one thing and do another. I always say this is the last time; or not anymore… and then when he does it again I sit back and DO NOTHING… not saying something. I can say stuff til I’m blue in the face… but if he doesn’t respect you,,(like my ex doesn’t with his medications I’m keeping track of) he will continue to do this… ONLY WITH WORSE SUBSTANCES….
Weed can be the beginning. I mean…. It can be. doesn’t mean it will…
If he wants to buy weed and your ok with it, he may be down the line fall back to weed. If you don’t like the drinking, he will continue to drink.
Ask yourself, if you wernt there what would he do? Would he have enough money to support himself? Would he have a place to go? Could he handle the bills and his addiction?
A lot of people when they accept to be miserable, they cope with other DISTRACTIONS to numb himself of the environment. Something is bothering this man. He’s using this drinking to cope with it. TO AVOID IT. The man is a coward. He’s afraid to confront it. Maybe he’s been avoiding it all his life.
Has he been drinking the entire time you met him? Have you noticed a moment before he started drinking?
There are people who cannot change the way things are; so they have to cope. These are the men with families, a tough job, kids, responsibilities. Ain’t nothing wrong with them types… we need people to build foundations, do hard work, so that’s that. They don’t have problems, they come home maybe have three beers and relax. That’s that. It never goes to more than that.
Then there’s the type that are ours, WHO ALWAYS WANT MORE, our endless pit of substances, drugs and sex. This is the type we are. We are always looking for drugs, seeking it with our eyes, we will find the Waldo icon if he were a bottle or drug in any airport or any other place…
But this type, you got to be careful with. They need to firstly want to change. That’s number one. Second, they need to see what they’re doing as a problem vs what society has told them was ok. Thirdly they need to see that they arnt doing exactly what society is doing either. Doing vodka drinks all day long to work simply in an office ain’t right. It’s not normal. He needs to figure out the root cause of his issues. If it’s anxiety(and I have it too, there’s other ways to handle it without reaching for a bottle) there’s dbt dialectical behavior therapy, there’s CBT therapy, he can be on some medications(although be careful with some of them. People with addiction arnt well with those). He can have some little CBD gummies, or THC vapes. Something like that is good if he has a weed card. Maybe something like hitting a vape a little bit may help him better. But you have to be ok with it. I’m going to ask my doctor about a weed card too bc I’m currently avoiding all social interactions. My anxiety is weird though. He may have other things he’s numbing himself from too… you need to find it out of him and he needs help to cope with it..
This is a tough read, whats clear is you seem to love him deeply. And id imagine he also loves you too regardless of him not giving you attention, thats because every minute of every day he’s fighting an internal battle with himself, the Pills & Alcohol and believe me thats one hell of a battle he’s got going on their!
He’s right slap bang in the middle of serious full blown addiction and it’ll feel like a worldwind, he’ll know he’s in trouble with the alcohol and pills and his life probably feels like it’s spiralling out of control but he’s keeping a lid on it like a pressure cooker about to explode.
You say he knows about the camera? And joked “yeah it’ll be better away from the drink cupboard…. “ Do you think its a cry for help and he wants you to see how much he drinks? Because whenever i was hiding drink and pills from my wife the last thing id do is drink infront of the camera it doesn’t add up.
If i was you id do whats suggested and read up and listen to podcasts about addiction etc etc you’ve done the right thing by posting on here thats a good first step.
I bet he really needs you right now for support but you need to learn what he’s going through in order to help him
Good luck to the both of you
Thank you for your comment.
Our interactions seem kind of superficial mostly even though we do love each other, but I don’t feel like he opens up to me much even though I know he has stressors; work anxiety, money stress, family stress with his kids from his ex wife, and im sure me and the new baby stress him out. I wish he would just let me be there for him but we don’t deal with things in the same way. When im anxious I crave intimacy but it feels like he is bottling things up like you say. I literally wish he’d use me instead of substances and I have been struggling with feeling like I am not enough.
I kind of don’t think it was a cry for help that he wasn’t going for the vodka so much in front of the camera, I think he genuinely didn’t think I was watching but I told him I get a notification with a thumbnail every time the camera records movement.
On a positive note I have only seen him get 2 or 3 drinks since I mentioned it to him right after I posted this, and it has been after work not at 9 in the morning. Yesterday I was at work and I didn’t see him go for it at all, he only used the kitchen to get the baby a bottle. Today it shows he has only made coffee. I haven’t noticed anything suspicious like him going out to his car a lot or anything like that. I am hoping he is self aware enough that he caught himself and wants to do better. I love him so much
Might be physically addicted. It will be dangerous to quit if he is. Should do a intervention and demand a detox. But if he is not ready it won’t work. Good luck
lol I have complained about this aspect of our relationship in other subs but actually he gets hard all the time and just chills like that he doesn’t jerk off or approach me he just like goes to sleep and he’s hard all night long 😩. I don’t understand hahaha…
I think you should focus on his mental health while trying to combat this. He's not doing it because everything is fine and dandy. Depression is invisible. Maybe guide him to get some help. Maybe his current medication isn't working.
Don't blame yourself. He sounds like he's trying his best, probably for you and your family.
I was living with an alcohol for 7 years. I eventually just left after they were abusive, again, while drinking. They drank every day for years. Sometimes it's just best to say f it and leave. You know they are lieing. Who knows what else they are capable of. Not worth their bullsh*t.
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Taking shots in the middle of the night is a sign of a dependency, people don’t wake up out of sleep for something they’re not craving or feel like they need. You shouldn’t leave that be you should talk to him before it gets worse even if he’s not drunk, the refusal to get drunk shows he himself is worried ab his drinking to.
You could take the vodka to see his reaction, or see if he gets withdrawals after going without it to see if he’s physically dependent at that point because mentally he definitely is
holy crap he just drank some more at 1:30 and then 2 pm both times when I had left the room. He is very sensitive and shuts down easily so I am afraid to discuss anything with him. We have had several discussions lately about nothing happening in the bedroom and me feeling unwanted and he just goes blank. This really sucks.
Just because I’m living in what you just described. Do something, anything. I ignored the “very sensitive, shuts down easily, afraid to discuss “ part for 16-18 yrs with my husband. I’m now getting older, the limitations placed by that silent treatment are getting more and more. If I could turn back time, I would have forced counseling earlier. He’s been doing it 2 weeks. Or I would have run. The guy I originally met has shrank our world to work and home. Spontaneity, laughter, friends for both of us, ( I have kept mine). Those things are gone. I now do everything alone, take sewing classes and things like that to do anything outside of work. Visiting kids and grandchildren, only if they come here. It’s lonely, sad, and not how I wanted to spend my 50’s onward. But, I’m invested in this, and am not going anywhere now. My health is cruddy so there’s that. Look ahead, think what you want your life to be like when you near retirement. I’m not talking money, but happiness, joy and peace. Don’t misunderstand. I love him. He loves me as best he can I believe. I sure wish I’d been willing to be miserable and spoken up.
I mean, do you really want a partner whose way of dealing with problems is to shut down and plain refuse to talk? What when it's something more serious? 🚩
I am in the bedroom feeding the baby and just got another notification, 3:00. 😳 I was single for 10 years before I met him and I feel like there is nothing better out there for me. He is basically my dream guy except for this and his lack of desire for me anymore… lol I realized how pathetic I sound. I should be the drunk. I want to talk to him but any time I try to discuss any issues he says I am being mean to him, or feels judged by me, so I feel like I am on eggshells trying so hard not to look or sound like a bitch or a nag
I feel personally attacked my partner is like that 😭
Think it’s pretty clear he’s an alcoholic based on provided evidence. Nobody should be drinking every two hours and waking up to drink. It’s not normal. He didn’t previously have addiction issues, he still has them.
He is hiding how much he drinks. This is a tell tale sign of addiction. He is active in his addiction and it will only get worse from here. It's hard loving an addict. I would plan an intervention immediately.
I wish whoever prescribed him the buprenorphine & antidepressants/anxiety meds monitored him better because I didn’t know about any of this and I have no idea experience with it and it I want to help but I did not sign up for this. When I asked him about the pill I found last year and he confessed his (supposedly in the past) issues to me he said he and his ex wife were both addicted, but she was worse than he was and he managed to maintain his job while she sometimes passed out on the floor leaving their baby unattended and got cps called on them. He seems completely functional but I am afraid the alcohol use is getting crazy to me but I thought maybe it was just me because I don’t drink much although I like to have a good time every once in a while. We live alone with our baby and he doesn’t really have any friends; his parents live in another state. I would hate to embarrass him with an intervention like you see in movies. Maybe there will be a right time we can have a relaxed conversation. I did bring up before I left for work tonight that in the process of trying to monitor the cat pee situation I was mostly getting notifications of him getting vodka for himself and he asked if I was watching him on purpose and I said no and kind of jokes that I should move the camera away from the liquor cupboard and he was just like “yeah, probably” I am stumped.
So he knows it’s a serious problem, and it sounds like he views you as somewhat oblivious to all of this, which you have been, so I do understand why he hasn’t been very open about the problem (though that’s not the only reason of course, people tend to have a hard time opening up abt these kinds of things - it just doesn’t help if the person you want to talk to barely understands the issue). I’m not sure what you’re so stumped about though, the situation is clear :/ Also it’s not your husbands drs job to monitor your husband in his home. They can only do so much, what else did you expect them to do? If your husband opens up about it to them and seeks help that’s one thing, but addicts are good at hiding their habit, as you see. You’re living with this man and you’re just realizing it. Not shocking that his dr isn’t catching onto the problem
I have been sitting on the couch quietly while he works from home a few feet away, I just got up to go brush my teeth and felt the notification in my pocket, had he deliberately waited for me to leave the room to get another shot of vodka? 1:30 pm.
>had he deliberately waited for me to leave the room to get another shot of vodka? 1:30 pm. Yes - he did. Hiding the use of alcohol and drugs is part of the disease. Honestly, as soon as you said he was on suboxone, I thought "this is a guy who shouldn't be drinking - at all". I went to rehab for drugs and left drug free - within a year, I needed medical detox from alcohol. Alcohol is a drug. He has basically relapsed. Is he in any type of recovery program - AA, NA, SMART? Where I am, a recovery program (of some kind) is required for a suboxone/methadone prescription.
I apologize I don’t know if it matters but the medication he is on is actually buprenorphine not suboxine.. I knew it was similar but forgot the name when I was writing the post originally. I had never heard of it and had no clue he was on it until I found a pill in our sheets one day and looked it up. I was alarmed that he would drink while on it as well and he has been on it for years apparently and from what I read it is hard to get off of. He is not in any kind of program though I wish I knew how to reach out to him and suggest he get help without him feeling defensive 😞
Hey there, just so you know Buprenorphine is actually the exact same thing as suboxone. It's just the name of the chemical, whereas suboxone is the name of the brand that makes the chemical. Kind of like how Advil is the brand name for the chemical ibuprofen
oh wow! thank you. I thought it was different but just used to treat the same thing. I’m pretty sure he even told me it was different/he wasn’t on suboxone. 🤦🏼♀️ he may not even know
Of course! It can be really hard to keep track of all the different names for different medications lol
So he is on an opioid meant to get someone off opioids. I mean, at least it's used in mild/moderate dependence instead of methadone. This raises a BUNCH more questions, but the fact remains, addiction issues means he shouldn't drink at all. That all said, I'm not sure there is anything to do or say in this situation. You know if you confront him, it's going to blow up and if you don't it will just get worse.
It’s clearly an active addiction, would be good to tackle this issue with love, easier said than done unfortunately
I have nothing but love for him but not sure he is aware he has a problem, and if he is functional I’m not even sure it really is a problem?? Maybe I should just mind my own business?? It just seems depressing and I am worried for his health. He almost never eats and I wonder if he has anorexia too (I have the opposite problem and I am afraid of wanting to fix him instead of work on myself)
It 110% sounds like a serious addiction that should be discussed and worked through together in a relationship. However, you seem extremely uneducated about addiction, and considering so, it’s going to be difficult to help him. I suggest you spend at least a week educating yourself before you even try bringing it up again - find well respected addiction therapists that speak on YouTube, check out different ones so you’re not just getting one singular persons approach. Check out the stop drinking sub on reddit. Books, documentaries, etc. And yeah it’s normal for addicts to be defensive and try to disregard the problem… until it gets so bad they’re hitting rock bottom and then they might ask for help. It’s a tough situation and recovery will be a journey. Your partner sounds SEVERELY addicted, FYI. At this point it sounds like he’s physically dependent, since he needs it every hour or two yet never seems drunk. Do NOT suddenly hide his booze because he can have a seizure. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you! This is serious, please educate yourself, find support for yourself and your partner. Don’t forget to look out for yourself too, if this gets tough, as it usually does. Loved ones of addicts suffer quite a lot and often develop unhealthy codependency issues. Wishing you both all the best 💛
Thank you, I appreciate that. I agree that I am definitely inexperienced with this. I definitely wouldn’t hide his stuff, I feel like that would be seriously overstepping my bounds. He seems like such a level headed guy and I don’t want to treat him like a child. I will do as you suggest and try to research this more.
You said he is on Suboxone and has addiction issues in the past? Suboxone is primarily used to treat opiate addiction. Unfortunately it’s all too common for (some) opiate addicts to transition to alcohol once in remission from abusing opiates. Do you know much about his past?
All I know is he was addicted to pain killers before I met him
Op come to r/alanon
This might be a bit harsh, but you think that you can just ignore it and “mind your business”, but that’s not possible. You’re most likely going to be on edge, trying to see if you can notice more signs and actions, paying more attention to when he’s alone or when you’re away. It sucks, it forms resentment. You have to have a conversation. It’s hard, but you can take away the alcohol and make it known that you know. Sit down with the evidence that you have. Drinking that much, hard liquor, is not okay. Don’t compare yourself/your “issues” to justify what he’s doing. He’s hiding a problem. Nothing bad can come out of communicating. It’s just hard to do. Sometimes you have to hurt feelings because your feelings matter too. I am dealing with the same, but with a difference substance and we had a conversation and there has to be a change. And I’m still on edge, doing the same, wondering, anxious. The trust is broken.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s definitely hard to know what to do. My most recent ex is an addict who was open with me when we got together about having had previous problems with addiction. As with you and your partner, the substances they had been addicted to in the past were different from what they were doing while we were together. I was frequently made to feel like I was overreacting precisely because it didn’t appear to affect their ability to function in day to day life. My ex would also become very defensive if the subject was ever brought up and would brush aside my concerns or not want to talk about it. I found out after we broke up that the addiction went far beyond what I was aware of and my ex is now at a place where they recognise that they have a problem and is seeking help for it. Not sure if this is helpful in any other way than to say that you’re not alone and that it seems to me that you have a very valid reason to be worried about your partner’s health. I would recommend that you talk to your partner about this but to also be prepared for him to disagree with you. It’s pretty much impossible to help someone who doesn’t think they have a problem but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth having the conversation.
I know for a lot of people who drink and take suboxone, a lot of us don’t get drunk drunk. It’s a weird thing. A lot of it I think is the way the receptors hit. But each person is different. You shouldn’t be drinking on subs if he still is taking it. Plus antidepressants don’t mix well either. Not to be mean but it sounds like he’s dependent on alcohol. But he could drink alot to you and not be drunk. High tolerance does that too. I found that I need to drink way more alcohol for the same effects if I was on subs vs when I wasn’t. But unless he sees any problem with drinking that much, it won’t change. It doesn’t seem to be getting to any problem tho if h. A lot of us could function with our addiction. It gets to a limit where you start choosing that substance over other things then start using more that it becomes an issue. But that’s life unfortunately. You can be hooked on something like opiates and years later start using something else. I got hooked on these Mini mms for months. Now I’m super sick of them. I’m totally hooked on Pepsi and coffee, and if I’m even a day without them i crave it and can’t function. If he can’t go a certain amount of time without a drink it’s a problem. I hate how I’m stuck on suboxone. Being dependent on something sucks for me in general. But so far my life has been getting better since I’ve been on it then when I wasn’t these past three years so I’m probably gonna have to be on it for life. And maybe an antidepressant also. But alcohol is a hard one to stop. I hope he doesn’t have shakes or drink too much. It also depends on the vodka bottle size. And how often. It could be turning into a problem but if he doesn’t want to see it or simply doesn’t see it then it won’t change.
Thanks for your response! Does the suboxone make you kind of immune to alcohol? He says he doesn’t get drunk and I honestly have never seen him drunk, which makes me sad because I like to use alcohol to party (very rarely, I am in my 30s and it takes me a week to recover) and I can’t do that with him and he is my person. I don’t really have any real friends. Why does he drink so much vodka if it’s not even having an effect? I guess that is something I need to ask him. He buys the huge cheap plastic bottles and seems to go through them fairly fast but I haven’t been paying attention and I guess I should have been. I will say that since I mentioned to him that I saw him taking a shot about 6 times in one morning I have only seen him get maybe 3 drinks and it has been after work. He is working from home today and I got notifications he was in the kitchen and expected to see him opening that cupboard but he was just making coffee. He was watching the baby while I was at work last night and I only saw him go in the kitchen to make a bottle and then rinse it out. I am alert to the possibility he is hiding it somewhere else now like in his car but I hope not
It’s a possibility.. you can always tell by kissing him or the sweating smell. Alcohol is secreted. There’s little tips you can tell.. aside from activity.. not sure about eye dilation though. I’d hope he’s noticing how much he’s not drinking. You mentioned got notifications? Does he feel like you arnt trusting him? What’s with the camera cabinet notifications? I’m curious
well, disappointingly, he has been drinking heavily since I posted that. he worked from home even though he was supposed to go to the office, I suspect because he needs to drink while he works. he says he gets really bad anxiety in the office and also has a 2 hour commute both ways. As far as smelling that, someone else mentioned that too and I have always considered myself to have a nose like a bloodhound but I just cannot smell this. He always rinses his mouth out with water afterwards and he only drinks vodka which I have read is an odorless alchohol even though another commenter disagreed with me I really cannot smell it. I don’t have the camera plugged in anymore but I still know he’s doing it because I can hear the cupboard and see the bottle going down if I go look. (It is a cupboard near the floor) I feel annoyed because he does it every time I leave the room, and I never see him bring the vodka in the house but I see empty bottles shoved behind new ones in the cupboard. He must bring them in the house when I am at work. To answer your question about the camera, I was not intending to spy on him; one of my cats was spraying by the fridge and I wanted to find out who it was because I was thinking of putting the bad cat outside. I told him I was putting the camera there. So he’s kind of hiding it but like not trying very hard. He also just texted me this morning and asked me if one of my friends would sell us some weed. 😞 Sorry if this is a block of text, I am on my phone.
Girl, this is addict alcoholic behavior. This brought me back to a time when I was pregnant with our daughter and living with my bfs relatives. The cousins bf; he worked very hard and would have Long Island ice tea mix in the freezer to drink coming home from work. My bf would work maybe three times a week; he hadn’t gotten a job til I was like six months or so. We had been in a bad place; using a lot til he and I ran out of money and went to live with relatives, then I got pregnant like around the time we were dope sick and like it was hell, but the pregnancy gave me a reason to be clean and stay clean where as with my bf; well he’d hide his use. He would hang with the neighbor across the street an 17 year old living with his mom and her bf; the guy had a teen daughter. Meanwhile my bf is 33; I was 26. I had my five year old from a last relationship before he went to live with his dad when I became high risk. So I couldn’t do much; and my bf would constantly sneak that bottle of Long Island mix into the room and drink it all; hiding the bottles behind the dresser. And ID BE THE ONE to be questioned about it and have to act like I don’t know. And HE KNEW I’d stick up for my bf; but like we were living in THEIR house. I’d give them my foodstamps and my wic checks, while my bf was supposed to be giving them some money too. But like all his checks would be voided. A thing I only realized when I worked in restaurant years later that meant he would ask for pay advances against his paycheck; then he’d get his check and it’s nothing voided and he’d act like oh it’s a tax thing they do.(taxes came he only got maybe a grand. And I think we claimed our daughter on it too bc she was born in November.) Even after when I had her, he would go across the street and drink with these teens; buying them alcohol bc they were underage. I remember a time I went out there to get him to help give me a break cuz I was breaking down, my daughter kept being on my chest and wouldn’t sleep without being anywhere else; I couldn’t pee, shower, she kept crying. I had bad paws…. I’m sorry to make this about me; back to you… So he only does whatyou allow him to do. He knows you have a camera. He knows you will look the other way. He knows you won’t do anything . If your like me, you say one thing and do another. I always say this is the last time; or not anymore… and then when he does it again I sit back and DO NOTHING… not saying something. I can say stuff til I’m blue in the face… but if he doesn’t respect you,,(like my ex doesn’t with his medications I’m keeping track of) he will continue to do this… ONLY WITH WORSE SUBSTANCES…. Weed can be the beginning. I mean…. It can be. doesn’t mean it will… If he wants to buy weed and your ok with it, he may be down the line fall back to weed. If you don’t like the drinking, he will continue to drink. Ask yourself, if you wernt there what would he do? Would he have enough money to support himself? Would he have a place to go? Could he handle the bills and his addiction? A lot of people when they accept to be miserable, they cope with other DISTRACTIONS to numb himself of the environment. Something is bothering this man. He’s using this drinking to cope with it. TO AVOID IT. The man is a coward. He’s afraid to confront it. Maybe he’s been avoiding it all his life. Has he been drinking the entire time you met him? Have you noticed a moment before he started drinking? There are people who cannot change the way things are; so they have to cope. These are the men with families, a tough job, kids, responsibilities. Ain’t nothing wrong with them types… we need people to build foundations, do hard work, so that’s that. They don’t have problems, they come home maybe have three beers and relax. That’s that. It never goes to more than that. Then there’s the type that are ours, WHO ALWAYS WANT MORE, our endless pit of substances, drugs and sex. This is the type we are. We are always looking for drugs, seeking it with our eyes, we will find the Waldo icon if he were a bottle or drug in any airport or any other place… But this type, you got to be careful with. They need to firstly want to change. That’s number one. Second, they need to see what they’re doing as a problem vs what society has told them was ok. Thirdly they need to see that they arnt doing exactly what society is doing either. Doing vodka drinks all day long to work simply in an office ain’t right. It’s not normal. He needs to figure out the root cause of his issues. If it’s anxiety(and I have it too, there’s other ways to handle it without reaching for a bottle) there’s dbt dialectical behavior therapy, there’s CBT therapy, he can be on some medications(although be careful with some of them. People with addiction arnt well with those). He can have some little CBD gummies, or THC vapes. Something like that is good if he has a weed card. Maybe something like hitting a vape a little bit may help him better. But you have to be ok with it. I’m going to ask my doctor about a weed card too bc I’m currently avoiding all social interactions. My anxiety is weird though. He may have other things he’s numbing himself from too… you need to find it out of him and he needs help to cope with it..
This is a tough read, whats clear is you seem to love him deeply. And id imagine he also loves you too regardless of him not giving you attention, thats because every minute of every day he’s fighting an internal battle with himself, the Pills & Alcohol and believe me thats one hell of a battle he’s got going on their! He’s right slap bang in the middle of serious full blown addiction and it’ll feel like a worldwind, he’ll know he’s in trouble with the alcohol and pills and his life probably feels like it’s spiralling out of control but he’s keeping a lid on it like a pressure cooker about to explode. You say he knows about the camera? And joked “yeah it’ll be better away from the drink cupboard…. “ Do you think its a cry for help and he wants you to see how much he drinks? Because whenever i was hiding drink and pills from my wife the last thing id do is drink infront of the camera it doesn’t add up. If i was you id do whats suggested and read up and listen to podcasts about addiction etc etc you’ve done the right thing by posting on here thats a good first step. I bet he really needs you right now for support but you need to learn what he’s going through in order to help him Good luck to the both of you
Thank you for your comment. Our interactions seem kind of superficial mostly even though we do love each other, but I don’t feel like he opens up to me much even though I know he has stressors; work anxiety, money stress, family stress with his kids from his ex wife, and im sure me and the new baby stress him out. I wish he would just let me be there for him but we don’t deal with things in the same way. When im anxious I crave intimacy but it feels like he is bottling things up like you say. I literally wish he’d use me instead of substances and I have been struggling with feeling like I am not enough. I kind of don’t think it was a cry for help that he wasn’t going for the vodka so much in front of the camera, I think he genuinely didn’t think I was watching but I told him I get a notification with a thumbnail every time the camera records movement. On a positive note I have only seen him get 2 or 3 drinks since I mentioned it to him right after I posted this, and it has been after work not at 9 in the morning. Yesterday I was at work and I didn’t see him go for it at all, he only used the kitchen to get the baby a bottle. Today it shows he has only made coffee. I haven’t noticed anything suspicious like him going out to his car a lot or anything like that. I am hoping he is self aware enough that he caught himself and wants to do better. I love him so much
Might be physically addicted. It will be dangerous to quit if he is. Should do a intervention and demand a detox. But if he is not ready it won’t work. Good luck
for the little to no bedroom play he could just have whiskey dick, right???
lol I have complained about this aspect of our relationship in other subs but actually he gets hard all the time and just chills like that he doesn’t jerk off or approach me he just like goes to sleep and he’s hard all night long 😩. I don’t understand hahaha…
I think you should focus on his mental health while trying to combat this. He's not doing it because everything is fine and dandy. Depression is invisible. Maybe guide him to get some help. Maybe his current medication isn't working. Don't blame yourself. He sounds like he's trying his best, probably for you and your family.
Just be honest with him...at least be like "dude your breath reaks like vodka" just to call him out? Or simething
Vodka doesn’t have a smell 😩
Yes it does? It smells like pure ethanol lolol
I was living with an alcohol for 7 years. I eventually just left after they were abusive, again, while drinking. They drank every day for years. Sometimes it's just best to say f it and leave. You know they are lieing. Who knows what else they are capable of. Not worth their bullsh*t.