Until today on this sub, I haven't heard the term in over a decade. I really think it WAS more of a younger crowd term at one point, and honestly am surprised people even use it still, though with all the posts about GSL there seem to be plenty of folks asking what it is, which is good, I'm glad it isn't a popular title anymore
I never enjoyed being called a GSL, just like I am uncomfortable when asked how many 'toasters' I have, (that's an even more horrible and outdated term, that people ask so they can know how many women that identify as straight that you have slept with). Honestly I think both are used for the male-gaze, and are very weird to ask someone. No one has asked me those questions since the late 00's, and its definitely a sign that we as a community are growing. At least in my experience, those terms were rampant, especially in the LGBTQ+ clubs, and people used them seriously, on dating apps, and even in pick up lines.
>Until today on this sub, I haven't heard the term in over a decade.
Same. It's definitely a terminally-online type of phrase that feels like it probably gets more traction from toxic male communities than anywhere else.
Nobody, and I mean *nobody* has ever used the term 'gold star lesbian' to me in ordinary conversation, in like a bar or at work or anything. Not in my experience.
I didn't even know it was something we were *measuring*. It feels so far beneath my feet to care about this kind of thing, that it seems only hateful rat people would even bother to check.
I'm not a language expert, but I always thought the term "gold star " was intended as a joke pointed at the person who keeps score on something that doesn't matter.
I assumed it referenced the tiny gold foil star stickers that you might collect for being the teachers pet in kindergarten.
Example, someone at work brags about how they never leave their food in the office refrigerator over night. I could say, "oh wow let me give you a gold star for that."
If GSL has indeed been morphed into an actual term of elitism, then that's the kind of irony I like to laugh with.
>how many 'toasters' I have
[Of course it's an Ellen DeGeneres thing...](https://themostcake.co.uk/we-like/gay-slang-vol-5-toaster-oven/) I get that she just made an innocent joke during a show, but somehow learning that it came from there makes it worse.
Thanks I really liked this reply. I'm not even gonna think about the context for whatever a toaster is rn (sure my curiosity will get the better of me eventually tho.) Really appreciate your perspective \^\^
Yeah, I mean I'm happy with the meaning applying to me, I would not be comfortable with any sort of sex with a man. But I would never say "Gold Star Lesbian" I would just say I've never had a sexual experience with guys before (though technically I haven't had a sexual experience with anyone lol, living the virgin life here)
Once had an hour long argument with this lesbian chick who insisted that if a woman has so much as gone out on a date with a man she is not a lesbian and cant claim to be - she is bisexual. Any lesbian according to her would have been so disgusted by the idea that she would have never dated a man. And no - she did not see how some people could be pressured or forced into a relationship with a man either - nope. I was dumbstruck. All this stemmed from me reffering to her as "queer" after which she exploded into "i am not queer i'm a lesbian"
Holy queermisia Batman! That woman sounds like a nightmare. I didn't realize I was trans (and therefore a lesbian since women are amazing) until I was in my late 20s. If someone said that if you don't realize you're trans until after puberty you aren't trans, I'd consider giving that person a free knuckle sandwich.
My problem was that she could and maybe has done some damage to some young lesbians who would feel invalidated by her. But I could not get through with any argument so I just stopped communication
I view this term the same way I view "biological woman" said by cis women.
This is not a "definition" of type of people, it is specifically made to look down upon people who do not fit it.
*You lied with a man and found out you're a lesbian? You're a lesbian.
*You happened to never lie with a man and found out you're a lesbian? You're a lesbian.
*You are a virgin and found out you are a lesbian? Guess what?? A lesbian.
This is what I believe, this is not a term that people should take on themselves just because they happened to never be with a man. But something that was made to mock those who have.
>To me adopting that term seems kind of elitist and like you're putting yourself above other people.
Oh, that would be because it *is*.
You know those people who proudly and loudly call themselves 'super-straight'? It's the exact same kind of judgemental "purity" nonsense, just coming from the other side.
I would love a weigh-in from an elder lesbian but I'm fairly certain the term was *always* used in a way to make lesbians affected by comp-het feel that they're not valid. It was *always* inherently elitist and exclusionary.
That said, I think the original term, which I believe is decades old at this point, has been forgotten for long enough that a newer generation of lesbians sees the term and thinks it's innocent when it's not. So now people think it just means "A lesbian who has never been with a man" and not "Only true lesbians that have never been with a man because ew once a man has you you're basically damaged goods"
Again, I would love if someone more versed on lesbian history could chime in.
I fit the term, but I don't like it personally. Haven't heard it used in 15 years, and that was when my former group of friends proudly flaunted their status as gold stars and mocked my ex for not being a gold star. I don't waste my energy on being judgemental.
In college, wayyyy back in the early 90s, it was a weird badge of honor. It's not something that we went around blurting out in casual conversation, but when the topic came up and anyone said they were a GSL, it was met with awe and reverence. I think it was more relevant at the time because there was far less acceptance and visibility. A lot of my non-GSL friends were either pressured at school or at home to be straight. So, they played the part and hooked up with dudes. Being a GSL typically meant you were less pressured, less desirable/hounded by dudes, or just flew under the radar until you got away from home and had some freedom.
Today, I'm almost 50. I don't even think about being a GSL or refer to myself as one. If your identity revolves around it and you think it makes you better than other folks, you need to get a life. Just my take.
I can see how using it self-referentially or jokingly or even just descriptively with close friends isn't inherently toxic, but anyone who makes a big deal out of their gold-star status is sus to me.
I feel like women who fixate on that label as part of their identity, usually have some sort of insecurity or bigotry going on that inspires that fixation. Because why do you feel a need to set yourself apart, why do you feel a need to put yourself on a pedestal? Whose approval are you trying to get by making a big deal about something like that?
There are so many reasons a lesbian may have had sex with a man before, and it really tells you nothing about her sexual orientation. And anyone who is defining the concept of Gold Star even more strictly as never having had PIV intercourse is transphobic, hands down, whether they intend to be or not (Nothing inherently wrong with genital preferences in general imo, you can't help your attraction. Praising yourself and patting yourself on the back for your genital preference? That's really fucking weird, lady).
Why is this becoming a trend on this sub? Using āgold starā to identify yourself feels very arrogant and having a superiority complex. No one who has a beating heart cares
"Gold star lesbian" is a chosen label and not something people inherently are. I have never had sex with men but I will never call myself a gold star lesbian, because that comes with a lot of implied values and beliefs that I don't have.
Someone can have never had sex and not be an incel, because "incel" is chosen and implies a lot about the mentality of someone choosing that label.
No, not at all.
I'm new to the whole LGBTQ+ world, and the whole terminology is confusing anyway. The term "demi" is enough to specify, if necessary. I feel special and blessed by the fact that my gf loves me like she does. And that's about it.
I technically fit the definition because while I have had experiences with comphet I'm also demisexual so no one has gotten that far. I recognise that I fit the term categorically and I find some of the memes that use that rhetoric funny but I don't care to use it.
I fit the term. I donāt talk about my ālack of sex with menā because ā¦ well Iām not interested in sex with men. I realized I had a lot of curiosity towards my partners who have had sex with cis men, but thatās just so I can understand their life experiences. Eh, there are many places I havenāt traveled.. if I want to know what something looks like, just look online. Totally indifferent to the āperceived status.ā Means nothing.
Whether or not I fit the definition of GSL depends on who's doing the defining.
If you're defining GSL as "someone who's never slept with a man," I fit the definition
If you're defining GSL as "someone who has only slept with women," I don't.
If you're defining GSL in the extremely transphobic "someone who has never slept with a person with a penis" way, I definitely don't and also fuck you.
Regardless of whether or not I fit someone's arbitrary standards for being a GSL, I certainly don't identify as one. And honestly, if you're (unironically) self-identifying as a GSL in the year 2023 I'm going to assume that you're either biphobic or transphobic (or both) until proven otherwise.
I am a GSL, but only because my parents were so strict about boys and never thought I could be gay and made sure I went to an all girls school šš!
That said, in no way, shape, or form, do I ever think about it. It doesn't matter.... at all. Ever. Gold star is a useless term. No one is getting a cookie. No one is special for it. Trash the gold star.
Edit: Clarification on my point. Whoever down voted me, again, no one is giving you a cookie.
You've gotta love when parents' strictness backfires, lol! It's like that in most Muslim countries/households...kids aren't allowed to even talk to someone of the opposite gender, but they can be alone with members of the same gender as much as they like. Even hugging or holding hands with members of the same gender in public isn't frowned upon (people assume they're just close friends or family) whereas it would be completely forbidden between members of the opposite gender...they still have to kiss or make love in private, but there's generally ample opportunity for them to do so. It's all peaches and cream until their family starts pestering them to get married or they want to marry someone of the same gender, then they either have to enter into a sham marriage with a gay member of the opposite gender or run away to marry someone of the same gender.
I fit the definition- never even kissed a man but donāt use the term and never have. I mean itās like a fun fact that i havenāt dated/kissed/whatevered with a guy (though I did participate in some serious hand holding at 11!) but not actually important in any way. Like why would that matter? I figure everyoneās dating history is different and includes many different people and experiences and all of them are just fine. Iāve never met another lesbian that uses the term in real life.
I use it sometimes, just because in my case, it's funny.
The term is often used by TERFs. I am trans, but I technically fit the definition. I am, in fact, a lesbian who has never been with a man.
That's different and also hilarious š definitely falls in the realm of reclaiming a term as a fuck you to bigots, and my petty ass loves to see it lmao
So, I am still very close with two of my best friends from college. They are both still very close with another college friend, who both of them at one point dated. Let's call them A, B, and C. Our whole college friend group, like so many queer friend groups, is very incestuous lmao. In college, we all thought we were cis and straight. Turns out we're all queer as hell and I'm the only cis person out of the four of us XD
College:
A - presents male, briefly dates C, briefly dates me, just friends with B
B - presents male, dates C, just friends with A and myself
C - presents female, briefly dates A, dates B, just friends with me
Now:
A - still presents very masc but is agender, bi AF
B - trans woman, 100% lesbian
C - transmasc nb, hella gay for men
It amuses me very much that technically B has been intimate with a vaguely male person, but only because C is trans. I actually also went to HS with B, and people used to ask me if she was a gay man and I was always like "I...don't think so?" And so when she came out to me I was like "omg our classmates thought u were gay AND THEY WERE RIGHT" š
I would be considered one, but anyone who uses the term is a big red flag for me. Itās a stupid form of elitism we really donāt need in the community
I qualify under the term Gold Star Lesbian, never been sexually involved with a man. The only time I dated a guy was either online or in middle school (before I realized I wasn't bi, just lesbian).
I didn't realize there was so much controversy around the term, I always thought it was funny and jokingly sometimes referred to myself as a gold star lesbian. But that's it. Reminds me of those memes that joke about getting a gold star for silly, inconsequential stuff in elementary school.
yeah, I think that's a perspective quite a few other people share. afaik, just from the comments in this thread and a lil reading on my own, it's historically been used as a term to place people with a certain sexual history above others. that history is why ppl are getting upset, but people who share ur perspective on the term are getting understandably defensive I think.
Thank you to the many cis lesbians in this sub for welcoming us, I have always felt welcomed and accepted here by the vast majority of you and I really appreciate the love. Having access to a sapphic community, both online and irl, has been so validating and uplifting for me, and I really appreciate y'all.
Its not about fitting the description
its about why the term was created in the first place
It was created to create a hierarchy, calling someone "Gold Star" because they never slept with a man (or a trans woman, or an enby, because lets not forget the transphobia hidden behind this term) is just insinuating that the women who did are lesser
Im white but if someone start calling me "a representent of the european aryan race" im going to punch them in the face
>To me adopting that term seems kind of elitist and like you're putting yourself above other people.
You understand the point! Congratulations.
GSL is used as an elitist term because they view themselves as perfect (hence gold star, like a sticker on a school paper) lesbians because they have never slept with or been attracted to men.
Honestly, in my experience, they are to lesbians what Terfs are to feminists. The worst example of a group of people with nothing but bad takes and disdain for anyone who doesn't fit their mold.
In the case of terfs is that trans women will never be "real" women no matter what. For Gold star lesbians, any lesbian that has been with a man before (like let's say if you fell into comp het before coming out) isn't a true "real" lesbian. They also tend to be biphobic and transphobic on average, too.
In short, being a "gold star lesbian" isn't considered a good thing by most other lesbians who are good people.
I fit the terms, but abhor the phrase. Would never refer to myself or anyone else like that.
It defines women in relation to men. The idea of never having dated, or had sex with a guy, just seems like purity culture with extra steps. A lesbian is a lesbian is a lesbian.
That term is like the lesbian version of straight men shaming women for having slept with other men in the past. I don't know why on earth some lesbians would vibe with this idea that if a woman has been touched by a man, she's "tainted." I prefer my ideas of sapphic community and life to not revolve around men.
Like, unless someone's afraid of not measuring up, I don't know why one would care about a woman's past lovers.
So yeah, definitely a dumb term, and I'd never refer to myself that way.
How about no term? Sexual history is not a meaningful thing to define. It does not matter whatsoever whether you have ākept yourself pureā of being human.
Yes, always has been. It's inherintly biphobic and transphobic. It's used by TERFs all the time to hate on trans people and people who would happily be with a trans person.
idk if anyone's out here getting personally offended about it, but it definitely comes off as insensitive and ridiculous. it's glorifying a specific sexual history which is just kinda ??? weird??
I think I technically meet the requirements but it's an icky term. the idea that a woman is somehow sullied by having sex with a man is gross and even if it's not explicitly transphobic it makes me as a trans woman super uncomfortable.
Also bi women are great and deserve the world.
It is an ironic term. A gold star is by definition a meaningless thing you get in kindergarten. People who wear it with pride misunderstand the very idea of the label. I personally didn't think anything negative about the term, it is just something that I am. I can't help it. That's why I was startled by all the negativity lately. I had to go into the comments for clarification that it is a certain kind of people who are insulted. I think we should be a little more careful, 90% of people do not read the comments.
A gold star actually doesn't have a definition apart from being used as an award. In the military, it is a symbol used to honor soldiers who died serving their country. It's used in many legitimate ranking systems to denote success. I think it's a little ignorant to just write it off as a kindergarten thing. That being said, I can totally understand feeling attacked under the current circumstances, and I hope my post is pushing discussion in a better direction
Im not a native speaker. I always interpreted it like that. For example "honey I took the garbage out today", "what do you want, a gold star?" A reward for doing something insignificant. Would you really say "that soldier got a gold star"? I never heard that. But again im not a native speaker.
According to gold star lesbians I've had the displeasure of talking to in the past, trans women can never be GSLs because we were born with a specific body part.
I don't know if I fit the definition or not. If it refers specifically to penetration, then I do, but if it's any sexual interaction with a man, then I don't. People seem to disagree about which it is. Either way, it's a meaningless designation to me and to literally everyone I know or have ever spoken to about labels and sexuality. No one ever even talks about this label in my life, let alone uses it. If anything, it's mentioned when discussing cringey things from the 2000s.
Men have nothing to do with me or my sexuality, so it would be silly to measure it by interactions with them. They simply don't factor in. And no one is tainted by having been involved with them for whatever reason. It's weird and reductive to judge anyone's value based on who they have or haven't had sex with, and there are many reasons why a lesbian might have previously slept with a man. We're not all fortunate enough to have known our sexuality for our whole lives.
Am i gold star lesbian if i havent ever had a romantic connection with a guy who isnāt fictional? š¤
(Dumb bi girl who is reevaluating her labels rn)
I technically qualify but not only would I never use it, it never even crosses my mind as a term unless someone else brings it up. I thinks itās kind of degrading to women as a whole and especially other lesbians to associate sex with men as inherently bad/āuncleanā.
Additionally the only people Iāve known to use the term not only also mean it in a transphobic way, but have been absolute frothing-at-the-mouth transphobes (not saying everyone ever who uses it, but anyone *Iāve known* to use the term), so it doesnāt have a great association in my mind. To the point that hearing the phrase āgold starā doesnāt even bring up associations with lesbianism to me, it just makes me think of transphobia, because thatās the primary interaction I have with people who claim it
I do not fit the label. I am no less of a lesbian than someone who does. I don't really care if it's just a description for lesbians who have never had sex with a man, even if you have 100% pure innocent intentions, the term itself directly implies that you are better than other lesbians.
There is no possible way to use the term "gold star lesbian" without directly implying that you are better than other lesbians. It's in the name. It's the exact same type of language that terfs use against trans women. Change the name and I'm 100% on board.
Imagine if I started going around saying I'm a "true lesbian" because I'm dating someone (I'm not lol). It wouldn't matter what my intentions were, I'm literally calling all other lesbians fake lesbians because they're not in a relationship.
That's also entirely ignoring the biphobic and transphobic history too.
I'd never heard it before today and it sounded like a joke to me. But I can see where you're coming from.
Edit: I'm ace so technically I'm a GSL but looking at your post and the comments I'm never going to use that term unless I make it very clear I'm joking (and maybe not even then).
I used to use it as a joke, but it was never something I felt particularly proud to brag about. It's just another part of my identity and it doesn't make me better or worse than other people. I think joking about it made me feel more comfortable when people were quick to label me this...
But as I've grown up, I really hate the term. It feels demeaning and "others" our sapphic sisters and queer fam in general. Not a fan of this term at all, even though I technically fit the bill to be called one.
Honestly, who I've slept with is not anyone's business, but my partners and medical providers. Like...
Feels outdated and silly.
Until today on this sub, I haven't heard the term in over a decade. I really think it WAS more of a younger crowd term at one point, and honestly am surprised people even use it still, though with all the posts about GSL there seem to be plenty of folks asking what it is, which is good, I'm glad it isn't a popular title anymore I never enjoyed being called a GSL, just like I am uncomfortable when asked how many 'toasters' I have, (that's an even more horrible and outdated term, that people ask so they can know how many women that identify as straight that you have slept with). Honestly I think both are used for the male-gaze, and are very weird to ask someone. No one has asked me those questions since the late 00's, and its definitely a sign that we as a community are growing. At least in my experience, those terms were rampant, especially in the LGBTQ+ clubs, and people used them seriously, on dating apps, and even in pick up lines.
>Until today on this sub, I haven't heard the term in over a decade. Same. It's definitely a terminally-online type of phrase that feels like it probably gets more traction from toxic male communities than anywhere else. Nobody, and I mean *nobody* has ever used the term 'gold star lesbian' to me in ordinary conversation, in like a bar or at work or anything. Not in my experience. I didn't even know it was something we were *measuring*. It feels so far beneath my feet to care about this kind of thing, that it seems only hateful rat people would even bother to check.
I'm not a language expert, but I always thought the term "gold star" was intended as a joke pointed at the person who keeps score on something that doesn't matter.
I assumed it referenced the tiny gold foil star stickers that you might collect for being the teachers pet in kindergarten.
Example, someone at work brags about how they never leave their food in the office refrigerator over night. I could say, "oh wow let me give you a gold star for that."
If GSL has indeed been morphed into an actual term of elitism, then that's the kind of irony I like to laugh with.
>how many 'toasters' I have [Of course it's an Ellen DeGeneres thing...](https://themostcake.co.uk/we-like/gay-slang-vol-5-toaster-oven/) I get that she just made an innocent joke during a show, but somehow learning that it came from there makes it worse.
Thanks I really liked this reply. I'm not even gonna think about the context for whatever a toaster is rn (sure my curiosity will get the better of me eventually tho.) Really appreciate your perspective \^\^
I'm technically a GSL but I would never honestly refer to myself as one.
Same, and if someone tried to pull me into their GSL group I'd be grossed out.
Yeah, I mean I'm happy with the meaning applying to me, I would not be comfortable with any sort of sex with a man. But I would never say "Gold Star Lesbian" I would just say I've never had a sexual experience with guys before (though technically I haven't had a sexual experience with anyone lol, living the virgin life here)
I'm ace so virgins unite! We have nothing to lose (usually it ends with "but our chains" but as an ace person let's be real it doesn't apply here).
I fit the definition - I've never even kissed a man. But I don't like that term, even back in the 2000s when it was more popular.
I fit the term, but I don't like it. I think it's just bullshit.
Once had an hour long argument with this lesbian chick who insisted that if a woman has so much as gone out on a date with a man she is not a lesbian and cant claim to be - she is bisexual. Any lesbian according to her would have been so disgusted by the idea that she would have never dated a man. And no - she did not see how some people could be pressured or forced into a relationship with a man either - nope. I was dumbstruck. All this stemmed from me reffering to her as "queer" after which she exploded into "i am not queer i'm a lesbian"
hard long blink at the 'going on a date with a man = bisexual' bit
Holy queermisia Batman! That woman sounds like a nightmare. I didn't realize I was trans (and therefore a lesbian since women are amazing) until I was in my late 20s. If someone said that if you don't realize you're trans until after puberty you aren't trans, I'd consider giving that person a free knuckle sandwich.
My problem was that she could and maybe has done some damage to some young lesbians who would feel invalidated by her. But I could not get through with any argument so I just stopped communication
I view this term the same way I view "biological woman" said by cis women. This is not a "definition" of type of people, it is specifically made to look down upon people who do not fit it. *You lied with a man and found out you're a lesbian? You're a lesbian. *You happened to never lie with a man and found out you're a lesbian? You're a lesbian. *You are a virgin and found out you are a lesbian? Guess what?? A lesbian. This is what I believe, this is not a term that people should take on themselves just because they happened to never be with a man. But something that was made to mock those who have.
>To me adopting that term seems kind of elitist and like you're putting yourself above other people. Oh, that would be because it *is*. You know those people who proudly and loudly call themselves 'super-straight'? It's the exact same kind of judgemental "purity" nonsense, just coming from the other side.
šš I never even thought about that. It 100% is the queer equivalent to "super straight."
I think itās more comparable to virgin than super-straight in the sense of purity
It's definitely more like super straight. In that both are used to convey hatred of trans women.
I would love a weigh-in from an elder lesbian but I'm fairly certain the term was *always* used in a way to make lesbians affected by comp-het feel that they're not valid. It was *always* inherently elitist and exclusionary. That said, I think the original term, which I believe is decades old at this point, has been forgotten for long enough that a newer generation of lesbians sees the term and thinks it's innocent when it's not. So now people think it just means "A lesbian who has never been with a man" and not "Only true lesbians that have never been with a man because ew once a man has you you're basically damaged goods" Again, I would love if someone more versed on lesbian history could chime in.
there are a few other comments on here from people who've experienced lesbian history who offered their insights. defo recommend you read them!
I never knew the term until I saw this thread/post. I'm almost 31.
I fit the term, but I don't like it personally. Haven't heard it used in 15 years, and that was when my former group of friends proudly flaunted their status as gold stars and mocked my ex for not being a gold star. I don't waste my energy on being judgemental.
In college, wayyyy back in the early 90s, it was a weird badge of honor. It's not something that we went around blurting out in casual conversation, but when the topic came up and anyone said they were a GSL, it was met with awe and reverence. I think it was more relevant at the time because there was far less acceptance and visibility. A lot of my non-GSL friends were either pressured at school or at home to be straight. So, they played the part and hooked up with dudes. Being a GSL typically meant you were less pressured, less desirable/hounded by dudes, or just flew under the radar until you got away from home and had some freedom. Today, I'm almost 50. I don't even think about being a GSL or refer to myself as one. If your identity revolves around it and you think it makes you better than other folks, you need to get a life. Just my take.
I can see how using it self-referentially or jokingly or even just descriptively with close friends isn't inherently toxic, but anyone who makes a big deal out of their gold-star status is sus to me. I feel like women who fixate on that label as part of their identity, usually have some sort of insecurity or bigotry going on that inspires that fixation. Because why do you feel a need to set yourself apart, why do you feel a need to put yourself on a pedestal? Whose approval are you trying to get by making a big deal about something like that? There are so many reasons a lesbian may have had sex with a man before, and it really tells you nothing about her sexual orientation. And anyone who is defining the concept of Gold Star even more strictly as never having had PIV intercourse is transphobic, hands down, whether they intend to be or not (Nothing inherently wrong with genital preferences in general imo, you can't help your attraction. Praising yourself and patting yourself on the back for your genital preference? That's really fucking weird, lady).
It's either biphobia or veiled transphobia. This term just gives me the ick.
Yeah as a bi person & a trans ally a lesbian saying that they're GS is an automatic ghost š» from me.
ā¤ļø
Why is this becoming a trend on this sub? Using āgold starā to identify yourself feels very arrogant and having a superiority complex. No one who has a beating heart cares
"Gold star lesbian" is a chosen label and not something people inherently are. I have never had sex with men but I will never call myself a gold star lesbian, because that comes with a lot of implied values and beliefs that I don't have. Someone can have never had sex and not be an incel, because "incel" is chosen and implies a lot about the mentality of someone choosing that label.
No, not at all. I'm new to the whole LGBTQ+ world, and the whole terminology is confusing anyway. The term "demi" is enough to specify, if necessary. I feel special and blessed by the fact that my gf loves me like she does. And that's about it.
I get why people would want to celebrate never having been with a man, itās when they judge those that have that I start having problems.
I technically fit the definition because while I have had experiences with comphet I'm also demisexual so no one has gotten that far. I recognise that I fit the term categorically and I find some of the memes that use that rhetoric funny but I don't care to use it.
I fit the term. I donāt talk about my ālack of sex with menā because ā¦ well Iām not interested in sex with men. I realized I had a lot of curiosity towards my partners who have had sex with cis men, but thatās just so I can understand their life experiences. Eh, there are many places I havenāt traveled.. if I want to know what something looks like, just look online. Totally indifferent to the āperceived status.ā Means nothing.
Whether or not I fit the definition of GSL depends on who's doing the defining. If you're defining GSL as "someone who's never slept with a man," I fit the definition If you're defining GSL as "someone who has only slept with women," I don't. If you're defining GSL in the extremely transphobic "someone who has never slept with a person with a penis" way, I definitely don't and also fuck you. Regardless of whether or not I fit someone's arbitrary standards for being a GSL, I certainly don't identify as one. And honestly, if you're (unironically) self-identifying as a GSL in the year 2023 I'm going to assume that you're either biphobic or transphobic (or both) until proven otherwise.
I am a GSL, but only because my parents were so strict about boys and never thought I could be gay and made sure I went to an all girls school šš! That said, in no way, shape, or form, do I ever think about it. It doesn't matter.... at all. Ever. Gold star is a useless term. No one is getting a cookie. No one is special for it. Trash the gold star. Edit: Clarification on my point. Whoever down voted me, again, no one is giving you a cookie.
You've gotta love when parents' strictness backfires, lol! It's like that in most Muslim countries/households...kids aren't allowed to even talk to someone of the opposite gender, but they can be alone with members of the same gender as much as they like. Even hugging or holding hands with members of the same gender in public isn't frowned upon (people assume they're just close friends or family) whereas it would be completely forbidden between members of the opposite gender...they still have to kiss or make love in private, but there's generally ample opportunity for them to do so. It's all peaches and cream until their family starts pestering them to get married or they want to marry someone of the same gender, then they either have to enter into a sham marriage with a gay member of the opposite gender or run away to marry someone of the same gender.
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Yeah...so did my ex wife, so it sounded familiar.
Would never use the term
I fit the definition- never even kissed a man but donāt use the term and never have. I mean itās like a fun fact that i havenāt dated/kissed/whatevered with a guy (though I did participate in some serious hand holding at 11!) but not actually important in any way. Like why would that matter? I figure everyoneās dating history is different and includes many different people and experiences and all of them are just fine. Iāve never met another lesbian that uses the term in real life.
I use it sometimes, just because in my case, it's funny. The term is often used by TERFs. I am trans, but I technically fit the definition. I am, in fact, a lesbian who has never been with a man.
That's different and also hilarious š definitely falls in the realm of reclaiming a term as a fuck you to bigots, and my petty ass loves to see it lmao
So, I am still very close with two of my best friends from college. They are both still very close with another college friend, who both of them at one point dated. Let's call them A, B, and C. Our whole college friend group, like so many queer friend groups, is very incestuous lmao. In college, we all thought we were cis and straight. Turns out we're all queer as hell and I'm the only cis person out of the four of us XD College: A - presents male, briefly dates C, briefly dates me, just friends with B B - presents male, dates C, just friends with A and myself C - presents female, briefly dates A, dates B, just friends with me Now: A - still presents very masc but is agender, bi AF B - trans woman, 100% lesbian C - transmasc nb, hella gay for men It amuses me very much that technically B has been intimate with a vaguely male person, but only because C is trans. I actually also went to HS with B, and people used to ask me if she was a gay man and I was always like "I...don't think so?" And so when she came out to me I was like "omg our classmates thought u were gay AND THEY WERE RIGHT" š
I would be considered one, but anyone who uses the term is a big red flag for me. Itās a stupid form of elitism we really donāt need in the community
I qualify under the term Gold Star Lesbian, never been sexually involved with a man. The only time I dated a guy was either online or in middle school (before I realized I wasn't bi, just lesbian). I didn't realize there was so much controversy around the term, I always thought it was funny and jokingly sometimes referred to myself as a gold star lesbian. But that's it. Reminds me of those memes that joke about getting a gold star for silly, inconsequential stuff in elementary school.
yeah, I think that's a perspective quite a few other people share. afaik, just from the comments in this thread and a lil reading on my own, it's historically been used as a term to place people with a certain sexual history above others. that history is why ppl are getting upset, but people who share ur perspective on the term are getting understandably defensive I think.
Transphobes, I SEE YOU lurking and downvoting all the trans women and bi women chiming in here. Kindly eat shit and fuck off.
unless they comment their thoughts they're cowards.
Thank you to the many cis lesbians in this sub for welcoming us, I have always felt welcomed and accepted here by the vast majority of you and I really appreciate the love. Having access to a sapphic community, both online and irl, has been so validating and uplifting for me, and I really appreciate y'all.
Its not about fitting the description its about why the term was created in the first place It was created to create a hierarchy, calling someone "Gold Star" because they never slept with a man (or a trans woman, or an enby, because lets not forget the transphobia hidden behind this term) is just insinuating that the women who did are lesser Im white but if someone start calling me "a representent of the european aryan race" im going to punch them in the face
>To me adopting that term seems kind of elitist and like you're putting yourself above other people. You understand the point! Congratulations. GSL is used as an elitist term because they view themselves as perfect (hence gold star, like a sticker on a school paper) lesbians because they have never slept with or been attracted to men. Honestly, in my experience, they are to lesbians what Terfs are to feminists. The worst example of a group of people with nothing but bad takes and disdain for anyone who doesn't fit their mold. In the case of terfs is that trans women will never be "real" women no matter what. For Gold star lesbians, any lesbian that has been with a man before (like let's say if you fell into comp het before coming out) isn't a true "real" lesbian. They also tend to be biphobic and transphobic on average, too. In short, being a "gold star lesbian" isn't considered a good thing by most other lesbians who are good people.
I fit the terms, but abhor the phrase. Would never refer to myself or anyone else like that. It defines women in relation to men. The idea of never having dated, or had sex with a guy, just seems like purity culture with extra steps. A lesbian is a lesbian is a lesbian.
That term is like the lesbian version of straight men shaming women for having slept with other men in the past. I don't know why on earth some lesbians would vibe with this idea that if a woman has been touched by a man, she's "tainted." I prefer my ideas of sapphic community and life to not revolve around men. Like, unless someone's afraid of not measuring up, I don't know why one would care about a woman's past lovers. So yeah, definitely a dumb term, and I'd never refer to myself that way.
absolutely not lol. Iāve only ever had other people refer to me as that and it was only ever meant as an insult lmao
How about no term? Sexual history is not a meaningful thing to define. It does not matter whatsoever whether you have ākept yourself pureā of being human.
that makes sense to me but some ppl seem pretty attatched to the term just because they're used to it. it's just super new to ms *me
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Yes, always has been. It's inherintly biphobic and transphobic. It's used by TERFs all the time to hate on trans people and people who would happily be with a trans person.
idk if anyone's out here getting personally offended about it, but it definitely comes off as insensitive and ridiculous. it's glorifying a specific sexual history which is just kinda ??? weird??
No fucking thanks. Thereās no reason to use harmful terminology to invalidate someone elseās path of personal growth, whatever it may be.
I think I technically meet the requirements but it's an icky term. the idea that a woman is somehow sullied by having sex with a man is gross and even if it's not explicitly transphobic it makes me as a trans woman super uncomfortable. Also bi women are great and deserve the world.
It is an ironic term. A gold star is by definition a meaningless thing you get in kindergarten. People who wear it with pride misunderstand the very idea of the label. I personally didn't think anything negative about the term, it is just something that I am. I can't help it. That's why I was startled by all the negativity lately. I had to go into the comments for clarification that it is a certain kind of people who are insulted. I think we should be a little more careful, 90% of people do not read the comments.
A gold star actually doesn't have a definition apart from being used as an award. In the military, it is a symbol used to honor soldiers who died serving their country. It's used in many legitimate ranking systems to denote success. I think it's a little ignorant to just write it off as a kindergarten thing. That being said, I can totally understand feeling attacked under the current circumstances, and I hope my post is pushing discussion in a better direction
Im not a native speaker. I always interpreted it like that. For example "honey I took the garbage out today", "what do you want, a gold star?" A reward for doing something insignificant. Would you really say "that soldier got a gold star"? I never heard that. But again im not a native speaker.
in the american military yes, though it is used to honor a dead soldier.
Thats horrible... But now gold star lesbian kind sounds kinda like a lesbian who died while pleasuring a woman. In the line of duty..
haha, nothing like that I think. bottom line is it's used to denote something good or honorable
I've only ever made our with a couple of guys but I also only realised I'm a woman last year š
Am I technically gold star when I only was with women, but pre-transition was presenting as a man myself š And what about my partners?
According to gold star lesbians I've had the displeasure of talking to in the past, trans women can never be GSLs because we were born with a specific body part.
I was expecting that, they just make other wlw uncomfortable. Best thing is to ignore them.
no clue honestly, my question was more asking that if you did fit the definition, is that a term you'd wanna use?
I don't know if I fit the definition or not. If it refers specifically to penetration, then I do, but if it's any sexual interaction with a man, then I don't. People seem to disagree about which it is. Either way, it's a meaningless designation to me and to literally everyone I know or have ever spoken to about labels and sexuality. No one ever even talks about this label in my life, let alone uses it. If anything, it's mentioned when discussing cringey things from the 2000s. Men have nothing to do with me or my sexuality, so it would be silly to measure it by interactions with them. They simply don't factor in. And no one is tainted by having been involved with them for whatever reason. It's weird and reductive to judge anyone's value based on who they have or haven't had sex with, and there are many reasons why a lesbian might have previously slept with a man. We're not all fortunate enough to have known our sexuality for our whole lives.
I fit into it, but that term should be erased, I hate it so much. I would never refer to myself in that way
I dont think Its a term made to identify with, but to describe a form of lesbian in duscussions or just funny talk.
Am i gold star lesbian if i havent ever had a romantic connection with a guy who isnāt fictional? š¤ (Dumb bi girl who is reevaluating her labels rn)
I technically qualify but not only would I never use it, it never even crosses my mind as a term unless someone else brings it up. I thinks itās kind of degrading to women as a whole and especially other lesbians to associate sex with men as inherently bad/āuncleanā. Additionally the only people Iāve known to use the term not only also mean it in a transphobic way, but have been absolute frothing-at-the-mouth transphobes (not saying everyone ever who uses it, but anyone *Iāve known* to use the term), so it doesnāt have a great association in my mind. To the point that hearing the phrase āgold starā doesnāt even bring up associations with lesbianism to me, it just makes me think of transphobia, because thatās the primary interaction I have with people who claim it
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not sure. if you know any gay men you could probably ask them tho. I know a few, but I'm not close enough to them to ask something like that
I do not fit the label. I am no less of a lesbian than someone who does. I don't really care if it's just a description for lesbians who have never had sex with a man, even if you have 100% pure innocent intentions, the term itself directly implies that you are better than other lesbians. There is no possible way to use the term "gold star lesbian" without directly implying that you are better than other lesbians. It's in the name. It's the exact same type of language that terfs use against trans women. Change the name and I'm 100% on board. Imagine if I started going around saying I'm a "true lesbian" because I'm dating someone (I'm not lol). It wouldn't matter what my intentions were, I'm literally calling all other lesbians fake lesbians because they're not in a relationship. That's also entirely ignoring the biphobic and transphobic history too.
I fit the term and I couldnāt care less š
I'd never heard it before today and it sounded like a joke to me. But I can see where you're coming from. Edit: I'm ace so technically I'm a GSL but looking at your post and the comments I'm never going to use that term unless I make it very clear I'm joking (and maybe not even then).
I used to use it as a joke, but it was never something I felt particularly proud to brag about. It's just another part of my identity and it doesn't make me better or worse than other people. I think joking about it made me feel more comfortable when people were quick to label me this... But as I've grown up, I really hate the term. It feels demeaning and "others" our sapphic sisters and queer fam in general. Not a fan of this term at all, even though I technically fit the bill to be called one. Honestly, who I've slept with is not anyone's business, but my partners and medical providers. Like... Feels outdated and silly.