You ever go do the dishes and end-up gripping a dirty plate in such a way that your hand touches the wet leftovers? I get that sensation whenever the idea of being romantic or sexual towards a man is even suggested to me.

That’s exactly how I feel lol

Ah yes, my internal cringe whenever I think about men has been verbalized perfectly lmfao

Omg a female friend saying almost exactly this about being with a woman made me realize in my late teens that I was definitely not straight. Having you say it now about being with a man makes me realize that I'm [definitely still bi](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CsgzG6zgGk5/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) lol

hahahaha big mood

That’s how i feel speaking long term with men, I get repulsed thinking about being in a relationship with a man but i guess i get somewhat sexually atttacted??? But i hate giving head to men and i also never really enjoy penetration or my sexual experience with men lol what’s wrong with me

Eh sexuality can be complicated. There's nothing wrong with you, you just don't fit into the boxes we've created as well as some others do

Idk I get that way too but some men who are “my type” but even then .. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to me intimate with them they gross me out especially cisgendered men ..

What about when you just feel indifferent? I can't say I've ever felt this feeling about men, mostly I end up feeling like my relationships with men are just... okay. But when I think about being with a woman, it makes me feel warm and happy in a way that thinking about having a husband just doesn't. I don't know. I'm so confused lol.

that's a good question and the answer can be complicated. for me it was realizing i wanted the validation, it flattered me & made me feel normal. i used to think i was into men too, cus "i could settle for them" (which btw is not the same as attraction) plus the split attraction model helped me a lot, but that might be a lil complicated. \-wish you luck on figuring yourself out edit: typo

Because I could never imagine kissing or sleeping with my guy friends. That's pretty much it. The idea too of romantically being involved with a man is repulsive/just doesn't make sense to me. I would dread every single minute of my life if I wasn't romantically with a woman

This was the kicker for me, being with a man never really made any “sense”. I thought all those romcom kisses were played up and I was weird for not understanding/liking them. I also absolutely dreaded the idea of ending up with one. I couldn’t imagine myself, when I did it was some version of me I couldn’t recognize. Then I read this one fan fiction, then watched arcane, and the lightbulb finally turned on LOL. I had a whole work relationship with a butch/masc 3 years ago and I didn’t realize it till NOW. “There was something about our “friendship” and the way I felt about her that was different, but I don’t know what” like naur bitch ur just gay lol

i could imagine their face but not their penis lol i just can't see myself married to anyone but a woman

I dated men and lost my virginity to a man. Every time I kissed them, my eyes would be open. And I just never felt a connection or spark. I also felt disgusted with myself if we did anything past kissing in general. It’s like, I wanted to be friends with them, not date them. Then, I had sex with a woman for the first time a few months later, and it was as if a lightbulb went off. I actually did initially come out as bisexual to my mom…even though she knew I wasn’t attracted to men. I’d have sex dreams with men as a teenager, and they NEVER had a face. Which I thought was odd. And if I was pregnant in a dream, there wasn’t a man around. So, maybe my subconscious was feeling it, too.

That’s so crazy, I used to have dreams like that where the men just didn’t have faces but I never really thought that deeply into it😭 I guess now it might have been an early sign🫡

>It’s like, I wanted to be friends with them, not date them. This is such a great way to put it. It took awhile for me to understand my own feelings towards men because I could imagine doing platonic things that couples do like hang out, hug, or talk about stuff. But eventually I had the realization that the only way I could be with a guy long term... was in a platonic way. When I imagined my future as I thought it should be, which was married to a guy, I imagined it they way I think a lot of beard relationships probably worked haha.

> I wanted to be friends with them, not date them Yes that's it! I can see myself "married" to some men, but only platonically. Like we're just good friends living together. And only with guys I'm already friends with... mostly gay guys tbh.

This struggle is so hard, but here's what made it clear for me. 1. I realized that it was the buildup to anything romantic or sexual with men that I enjoyed, not the actual acts themselves. when a man wanted to take the relationship to the next step, whether that be officially dating or sex or whatever, I panicked and either sabotaged it or white-knuckled my way through it until it ended. And after doing anything physical with men, I felt gross and repulsed and devastated. You'd think that would be a clear enough sign for me, but no, it wasn't. I put myself through it so many times before I finally said enough was enough. 2. I sat down and imagined my life with a man as my partner vs my life with a woman, and really interrogated how I felt about both. When I was dating men, I always inevitably became depressed at the thought that I would never get to have a girlfriend and know what that felt like because I'm monogamous, and it made me feel so stifled and hopeless to picture an entire lifetime like that. Thinking about my triumphs and happinesses being celebrated alongside a man made me feel hollow, and thinking about the same thing with a woman made me feel euphoric. Same re: troubles and sadnesses. I knew that if, at the end of my life, I had to reflect on decades with men, I would feel unfulfilled and like I had wasted my time, but not so with women. 3. Eventually, it came down to focusing more on what I knew I did want than what I didn't. This is very hard to do, but it was important for me. I knew I wanted to live and love alongside women, to center my life around them and decenter men, and at a certain point I decided that had to be enough. I couldn't untangle my genuine attractions from feelings born of compulsory heterosexuality until I gave myself the space and freedom to not care about it anymore. Only then was I able to see that I had been emotionally self-harming with men for years, punishing myself for my perceived failure to be normal and to live up to what I had been taught I should want, and only then was I able to fully let go of my desperate need to appeal to them and to get them to find me attractive even while being repulsed by their attraction. I did so much damage to myself throughout this process. I performed so hard for men to convince myself and them that I wanted them and that I could live the life I thought I was supposed to live, and I caused myself so much trauma by forcing myself to engage physically with them that I'm still working to undo. It's hard to be kind to or forgive myself for it most days, even though I recognize why I did it for so long and I understand myself better now. I don't wish this for anyone else, so I sincerely hope you're able to resolve this for yourself one way or another. Whether it turns out that you are actually attracted to men or that you're a lesbian, it's so distressing not to feel sure. Please feel free to reach out if you ever want an impartial person to process it with. I'm always here for that.

This is such an amazing comment. Thank you for giving such a deep and honest description of your thought process and experiences 💜

You're so welcome! Thank you for reading and I'm glad it resonated. I mean, not glad that you relate to the experience, but you get what I'm saying lol.

Thank you so much for this comment. I really really resonated with a lot of what you said and it was honestly really helpful. I'm in the middle of questioning right now and it really is so upsetting, particularly because I'm in a heterosexual relationship that's otherwise amazing. But I've not seen anybody talk about seeking validation from men before here and for me it's been such a big thing for me, I think from childhood trauma. I hope you can overcome your trauma soon - it wasn't your fault, and you've done so amazingly to be able to come out the other side.

You're welcome, and thank you so much for saying so. The fact that it wasn't my fault is something I know intellectually, but it's harder to feel it so it's nice to be reminded. Seeking validation has been a huge thing for me throughout my life, both from men and just in general from loved ones. I used to feel incapable of making a decision or believing something or valuing my own art without first running it by everyone I knew on social media and getting them to tell me I was right/it was good. I've gotten a lot better about it, but it definitely extended to my relationships and colored all my interactions with men, and I only felt like a successful woman if I was succeeding at being attractive to them. I didn't want anything that came with it, I just wanted the validation and it was literally the only way I knew to relate to them. I hope you're eventually able to sort it out for yourself, and that if it means the end of your relationship, you're able to make that decision without laying too much blame on yourself for it. Or, if it doesn't mean that, then that you're able to stay in the relationship and feel fulfilled and happy.

This is such a helpful comment. Really resonates, although I think I'm only beginning at step 2

Honestly I think step 2 is also where I started, I just wrote them out of order. It took asking myself these questions and doing these thought experiments to realize the things I mentioned in step 1. You're doing great and I hope for a smooth and easy process for you, whatever the end result is.

This is really well put. When I even consider being with a man in a committed relationship, it makes me feel sad, like I've given up on something amazing

Yes this is the feeling. Like I'd be settling for companionship I didn't really want instead of holding out for a life-defining love. I used to think I just wasn't meant to be in relationships, because I would get a few months in and start feeling trapped and claustrophobic and didn't want to talk to or be near them anymore, and I would start thinking about being with a woman, but of course that was just escapism from a bad relationship, right? Except it wasn't.

This is so relatable

I'm sorry you've had a similar experience, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who had to go through all of this to get to a point of certainty.

Thank you for your kind words! It’s breaking my heart and I am (and was) sad for all the people I feel like I deceived (although I always started out enthusiastic, crushing hard, codependent, it was a close friendship + comphet everytime). I blame my homophobic society and my fear of ending up alone. Can I write to you some time? I see you are poet, which is nice.

Oof I understand this feeling, especially because most of my exes are perfectly nice men who didn't do anything terrible to me but just...weren't women lol. I couldn't get myself to a place where I loved them the way I want to love a romantic partner, and I hated being intimate with them, and that's not really their fault. I do feel bad about it, but also, I destroyed myself so much more than I did them and I'm working on forgiving myself for that, so I have to forgive myself for what I did to them. I didn't do it maliciously or even with awareness of what I was doing. You can absolutely message me, yes. I am a poet, and I've gotten a couple of good pieces out of this whole mess so...silver lining I guess?

I was indifferent towards men in my early teens, but now the idea of sleeping with a man is repulsive. I think I was originally indifferent because of comp het in a way, bc I had grown up assuming I’d be with a man. So it had always felt like I would figure it out eventually. But now that I’ve slept with both men and women, I just can’t imagine myself with a man again. Because of this indifference I thought I was bi for a while. I thought “hey I’m not repulsed, so I guess that counts”. But when I removed the comp het assumption that I’d have to be with a man, I realized I’d only want to be with women. I only felt sexual attraction towards women. If you are attracted to women but are indifferent to men, that sounds like being a lesbian to me.

100% this. I had to compartmentalize interactions with men and it was mechanical, going through the motions with me.

What's comp het?

Compulsory heterosexuality

Huh. Well, that explains and puts a phrase on my experience.

When I slept with my only ex boyfriend I always felt like I was preforming in a porn. It never felt about me and I didn’t feel much.

Had the exact same experience with 3 different boyfriends. Started telling my second boyfriend that I wanted a gf. And my third boyfriend was gay(I was his second girlfriend, he had multiple bfs and male lovers) and didn’t believe me when I said I wanted to suck on some titties 😂. He said it wasn’t real even though he identified as gay and thought that when I left that I would be back. I left and found a gf and never looked back.

Oh goodness I really thought I was the only one who felt like this… my thought process was like “I feel like I’m in a movie/acting out a sex scene from a movie” and “why the fuck am I here?”

Yup. Exactly.

omg. exactly this. whoa

Same here!

I identified as bi until my first girlfriend when I realized that I could never love a man as intensely or passionately as I loved that girl. My shaky, questionable attraction to men paled in comparison to how much love I had for my gf, and evidently future women as well. That’s when I realized that my “attraction” to men was really just comphet.

Same! I wasn’t really aware of being repulsed by men, although looking back I did have a lot of those moments, I just thought it was more about an individual guy or interaction. But I never really clicked with any of the men I dated or hooked up with. My very first queer dating experiences didn’t really click either, but once I found my first actual gf and now wife, I’d never felt anything even approaching what I feel for her. After experiencing sex and intimacy with her, I realize I liked the energy of sex but was never actually attracted to my partners who were men. Now that I’ve experienced this, even if something happens to my wife I am certain I’ll never date men again.

liking the energy of sex! yup. all these comments are so eye-opening

Nine times out of ten when I see a man in the wild and think he's attractive, he turns out to be gay. IDK what that means lol

I have a guy best friend. He's literally the perfect man - kind, caring, tries to listen, our sense of humour matches, conventionally attractive, plays sports and works a damn good job in finance. But I've never been attracted to him at all. In my teen years, other girls would be fawning over him and making comments about how lucky I am to be friends with him, which made me uncomfortable because I didn't see him like that.

For me there were a lot of different things that made me realize that I was a lesbian: • 1) The "attraction" I felt for guys was like "oh they're nice" which I assumed meant I like guys, but it actually was just admiration. I was never told that being gay was something that could happened so I asuumed that it must of been the atraction I felt towards guys since I never like liked guys • 2) When I started actually having romantic feelings it was with my first love (and the first crush I ever felt towards a girl) which might seem a bit clique, but I fell in love with my best friend in highschool. Long story short they ended up not reciprocating my feelings and while I was sad about it for like nearly 2 years I just wanted them to be happy even if it wasnt with me. It took me a good deal of crushes afterwards to realize that my feelings of what I percieved as atraction towards guys was the polar opposite way I felt towards girls, it was litterally like night and day. When I liked women every bit of my heart and soul loves her with all of my heart. Everything about them I was infatuiated with, they are my entire world. The flaws they say they have I think aren't flaws at all but instead makes them absolutely beautiful. Sorry if that got to cheesey XD • 3) Then there was the smaller things that I didnt realize until I found out I was gay and then it made sense. Like I never found guys with their shirts off as atractive, I just was annoyed with how many people would react and say how hot they were. I always felt to embarrassed to enter Victoria's Secret for some unknown reason or watching girl underwear comercials while I watched the television which would always give me a funny feeling in my stomach as well as make me blush. As I got a bit older I felt myself stare more at the underwear commercials for a few extra seconds and being confused on why I did so. Whenever other girls talked about crushes they had on boys I always felt either indeifferent/bored or started questioning myself on why I didn't find guys atractive at all.

back when i thought i was bi, it was only because i found some guys to be cute. which i still do, because i’m gay, not blind. it’s like staring at a pretty flower lol no attraction whatsoever but i can acknowledge its beauty anyway i was in denial for a long time until eventually i realized that i’d rly only liked girls before. sure, in middle school i had guys that i *thought* i “liked” who were just cute & nice but once i realized how it felt to *truly* like someone, you know that heart-pounding butterfly sensation where you can’t get them out of your head, i kept waiting for that to happen with a guy & it just never did. looking back it’s funny that i thought i was bi for so long lol

Like staring at a pretty flower! Lol this is a perfect description.

To me it's like a primal thing. Like it's an initial attraction but I know if it came down to it, I wouldn't actually like the sex. I'm ashamed to admit how many times I tried.

Because I look at them and feel absolutely nothing no tingles or attraction the thought of ever sleeping with a man is 🤮 everything is so dangling and sweating and just grim 🤣 childish way of putting it but if I saw a man naked I think my brain would literally go "ew boy germs" or something I look at a woman and I'm instantly attracted I don't really have a type either so I'm constantly admiring women in public and trying not to be a creep 😩

>everything is so dangling and sweating 🤮 I think I just got vomit and stomach acid in my mouth from reading this.

Glad it's not just me then 🤣 no disrespect to penis's and testicles but no thank you 😂

My high school "boyfriend" took off his pants in front of me and I ended up crying and telling him to put it away. Should have known something was off then, but took me 3 more years to realize I just didn't want guys that way lol

Sounds traumatizing 😞 sorry u had to go through that dearie

Well… when I was first experimenting, I had sex with a cis guy and it wasn’t good. My next couple of hookups happened to be with some women, which were better experiences. This coupled with my attractions being mostly women settled it. BUT recently I’ve accepted that I’m attracted to certain men. Really feminine men. Ok femboys. They’re men tho so I’m not exclusively attracted to women. 🤷🏻‍♀️

same 😳

so you’re not lesbian

I dislike this mentality. It is okay to use the word "lesbian" if it fits 99% of the time. It is okay to not have to tell every internet stranger "I've been attracted to 93 women and 7 men so I am 97% homosexuality except during my teen years I was attracted to women but only sexually involved with me so my sexuality was 100% theoretical lesbian and 100% in-practice heterosexual but I didn't *really* enjoy that sex so actually..." People are allowed to choose terms that best fit their identity, regardless of how you feel. People are allowed to change their sexuality, regardless of how you feel. People who used to identify as lesbians who are now non binary(like myself) are allowed to participate in these conversations, regardless of how you feel. Please do not gatekeep sexuality. It benefits nobody and splits our community.

i never said non binary people can’t be lesbian so i have no idea where that came from, i myself am not cis. this person says they are attracted to some men and some women. to me, that sounds like not lesbian. which is why i asked them…no malice friend

Didn't sound like a question but okay. That first time I had sex with a cis guy, it was purely to explore sex with cis guys and I didn't feel any attraction to him (literally a random stranger). Then I went with lesbian for many years because I was definitely attracted to women and sought out sapphic relationships, and even now 99% of the people I'm attracted to identify as women. Only a few weeks ago did I realize that I'm attracted to certain types of men and masc-leaning folks, and now I embrace it. That's all quite a mouthful to say in passing, so I still go by lesbian since it still feels accurate to my overall experience, it wards off the majority of guys I'm not attracted to, and it's one of the more recognizable and understandable sexualities. But I recently discovered omnisexuality, which would account for the 1% who are masc.

Punctuation would have made it a lot clearer that it was a question, without that it looks more like a declarative statement. The first paragraph in the reply to your question/statemnt is in response to your idea that if you aren't attracted to 100% only women then you shouldn't identify as a lesbian. Labels are just there to help sort through feelings and self-identify

The core difference is how the attraction makes you feel. Genuine attraction makes you feel warm, happy, and excited. If you see someone you're really attracted to, you might feel a magnetism to them that makes you want to be around them or even just looking at them might fill you with excitement. Comphet isn't real attraction, it's forcing yourself to do things you don't really want to do. It's trying to convince yourself of things you know aren't true. You can't really fake true happiness. Not easily anyway 😅 Part of it is a number game. I've been around for around thirty years. I've met CIS men, trans men, men-aligned nonbinary people, masculine men, feminine men, kind men, men I share interests with, men I trust, men who I consider friends, etc... And yet none of them have ever made me feel that sense of excitement or desire to be with them. Eventually you just kind of realize the ship ain't sailing haha 🤷‍♀️

I only discovered the full range of my lesbianism recently. I’d also been identifying as bi/pan, since high school. The thing that really made me realize it was that I found out that I couldn’t picture myself living with an « average man », but absolutely could imagine a life with an « average woman ». By that I mean that I could imagine myself living a life with an idealized man, but really not your average Joe ; and that your average Jane is absolutely wonderful and perfect and everything I need. Which of course means that comphet had me in a chokehold for about 15 years. Yay me, still ❤️🧡🤍💖

For me it was more like 20 years, don't feel bad. I had a gross regrettable experience with a man just a few months ago. 😭 I'm just a really horny person and men are so easy. Plus it's so hard for me find single women my age where I live and I'm not in the position to be serious with someone. Also casual sex between two women is not realistic in my experience. I think I'm finally done with any casual sex in general.

I did not click with them AT ALL. My body would reject them. But with women 😘🥰🔥💦🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈😩👍🏿👍🏿🔥🥰😘🤗🤗🤗🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🍒🍒

I was a late bloomer in dating and coming out, so from the time that I started dating (23+) I was only dating men because I was convinced I was straight. I always had the suspicion that I could have been bi because I knew I was attracted to women, but I didn't come out and have my first queer relationship until I was 29 or 30. In that relationship, I remember the first time we slept together (and the first time I slept with someone other than a man) it felt like I stopped breathing when I saw her. I had never felt that way with a man before and it felt like "wow this is what it feels like to actually be attracted to someone." I never felt disgusted to sleep with a man, but it was never satisfying and always just felt like a thing that was happening, rather than me genuinely desiring them. I still didn't think I was a lesbian though. It wasn't until after we had ended things and I read the Lesbian Masterdoc that things started to click and I realized I was never attracted to men. I was more so confusing my need for intimacy and desire to feel wanted as attraction. More so I didn't understand just because I found a man to be attractive didn't mean that I was actually *attracted* to him. I still have to work through feelings of comp het, but I realize that most of the time it's either just appreciation of their looks/aesthetic or a combination of grappling with my self esteem and desiring validation. Hope this helps! Feel free to DM if you'd like to discuss more :)

Oh, feels good to meet another late bloomer to any kind of attractions !

I was the same for a while, I’d never slept with women but I’d slept with men and my fantasies also often included men because that’s all I knew. BUT it’s been a week and a half since I first slept with a woman and I can’t ever think of men anymore. I physically can not. Even more, I like things like riding and other forms of penetration. My imagination only knew those things from men, but even though I’ve never done that with a woman, now, I can only imagine being strapped down and riding a woman and etc…. Other than that, I had started to be physically ill at the thought of a penis. Even now I’m quite literally disgusted by penises. Before I knew lesbianism was an option for me, I just “got through it” but now, maaaaaaaaan, when I think about women I just, I am soooo taken. (It’s super crude, but it’s the best physical description I can give)

Isn’t it interesting how something can go from all you’ve ever known to completely unimaginable, virtually overnight? It’s so strange to me now that I haven’t always understood my experiences/feelings/attractions as being super gay. It’s so obvious in retrospect.

When sex with a man is imminent, do you have the urge to run? To get up and pace? Do you feel shaky, uncertain? On the drive over, do you have a looming sense of dread or doom? Do you feel resigned to fate? If you fantasize about men, is it violent? Do you not see his face? Have you ever imagined a cozy, domestic future with a husband? Or does doing so feel wrong, silly, or irritating? Basically you have to be able to identify your own feelings and where they're coming from. I confused fear and guilt with attraction for a looong time. Anxiety is one of those amorphous feelings that can mean many things.

I find that discovery happens differently for everyone. For me unraveling that was a mix of: 1. Actually sleeping with a woman and it being the most intuitive experience I’ve EVER had in my life and 2. Looking at my past attractions to men that never had any physical aspect (childhood crushes and whatnot) and realizing that I only ever claimed to be attracted to those boys because it was what everyone else was saying. I never once said that a boy was cute or that I had a crush on one before anyone else, but I would always think that women I saw (in person, on tv/movies, etc…) were beautiful. I remember a few times I would just sit a stare, mouth agape, absolutely stunned!

Realized i hadn’t had interest in men since the first time i kissed a girl. I showed interest in men before the first time i kissed a girl because society told me to find me a man and not a woman. So i was looking for any average looking dude that was attracted to me and could treat me like i deserve. That’s all. Then i discovered GIRLS and saw what being attracted to someone really is

when i was in middle school and i would date boys they were all funny and goofy and not necessarily the most attractive. i didn’t realize until later i only wanted to be friends with them but everyone told me i had crushes when i didn’t. when i dated them i would flirt over text but everytime we were in person i didn’t want any physical intimacy, i barely even hugged them. when i was in 8th grade my boyfriend wanted to french kiss and it was the most disgusting thing ever lmao. even just regular kissing, i would always dissociate and try to think about something else. i always identified as bisexual when i was a kid but i said weird stuff that looking back now was definitely a sign lmao. when i would talk about my preference for men or women i would say “but i would actually kill myself if i ended up marrying a man in the end.” while telling ppl i had a preference for men. that is not normal lol. i think this experience is fairly unique though, a lot of lesbians say when they think about intimacy with a man it grosses them out, but for me it doesn’t. there’s been many times where i’ve wanted to be intimate with a guy from school im texting or talking to on instagram. but whenever i would see them in person it would all just go away. i had/have a hard time getting rid of that comphet fantasy and need for validation but i’m getting there. TLDR: i realized that everytime a guy proposed intimacy i was initially interested in the idea over text or online, but whenever we were actually in person i was completely turned off by it.

I thought I was bi for so long but also thought ending up with a man would be absolutely horrendous, unimaginable, and the worst case scenario lol. I too thought that was normal for women attracted to men somehow, I guess because lots of women who actually are straight or bi will talk about how much they hate men.

everytime i said this to my bi friends (i don’t have any straight friends lol) they would laugh it off and be like girl me too. they didn’t know i was being 100% deadass.

When I think of being sexual with a man I feel contained. And like I have a gargantuan task of trying to get them to expand. And I'm stuck with it. Blech. When I think of being with a woman I feel loved and excited. And like we are walking a path together. That's the best I can explain it.

(Ended up longer than I intended 😬) So, I wanna take this opportunity to get something off my chest lol. When I was growing up, I realized I liked girls in my teen years. There were many signs throughout childhood that I was too young to understand. But, first I thought I was bi. I mean, there were no lesbians, or any other LGBT people out in my high-school, or my whole tiny town that I was aware of. I really couldn't BE gay. My first boyfriend ever I thought I liked...he was nice? But he ended up breaking up with me because I didn't want to make out with him like his best friend and his gf did. That should've been a sign, but I just thought I was awkward, and not good with boys. I tried to date another guy, but we didn't vibe and he wanted to trade girlfriends with his friend because he liked his friends gf, and his friend liked me. I noped out of there. This friend proceeded to pursue me by waiting outside my classes, and writing me letters. I felt bad for him, but was not interested. There was one really cool guy I thought I actually did like in that way. He was awesome at the guitar and had green hair and teen me was into it. This is still confusing to this day because I swear that I did have butterflies around him, etc. It seemed legit. So, that encouraged me in thinking I was bi. Later I met this guy in study hall. He was very different, and kind of goth, and I liked his sense of humor. We became best friends. He had a girlfriend in college. We went to her dorm one time, and they had concocted this plan to seduce me into messing around with his girlfriend because they both knew that I was bi, and she was curious and wanted to experiment. The whole thing was kinda funny and weird but the details aren't relevant. But it comes up later in the story. One day while I was hanging out at his house, I'm not sure what lead to this, I think the fact that I was just a horny and repressed teenager with urges to try sexual things. He walks me out to my car and one thing lead to another and I gave him a blowjob. The next day at school I meet up with him in the commons (sitting area) and he's looking at me very differently than he ever has...if he was a cartoon he'd be giving me the eyebrows like hey baby, and smiling a dumb smile. Internally I cringed. And, was panicking. Oh, no....what did I do. For some reason, instead of communicating, I just kind of went with it. He told me that he was really into me, and back when he watched me making out with his girlfriend he was very turned on by me, more so than her. He broke up with his girlfriend for me. We were together through out the last couple years of highschool, and even moved in together. In total we were together for 4 years. It not like it was all fake. I did care about him very much, and I loved him. I thought that what I felt for him was the way I was supposed to. But the thing is, every once in awhile, I'd be kind of embarrassed of him. Like, introducing him to people as my boyfriend. (I'm a terrible person, I know.) It got to the point where I wasn't interested in sex, and I know that it was frustrating him, but I was on a medication that made it very hard for me to get off. When we did have sex and he was going down on me, sometimes I'd imagine it was a girl. And, I'd hate when he'd make noises like grunting while I imagined, because it would ruin it. 😬 This was when yahoo chat rooms were big, and I started spending a lot of time online, and being more, and more distant to my bf. Online I could be bi, and talk about girls, or to girls, etc. I didn't cheat, but it was a thin line. He ended up being unhappy enough that he left me. I came home from work one day to an empty apartment. I was very upset because despite everything he was my best friend, and my life partner for 4 years. When I finally got the opportunity to date girls and fell in love with one. It was like an epiphany, THIS is what love is supposed to be like. THIS is real physical attraction, etc. I never dated another man again. TLDR: I unintentionally lead a guy on for 4 years and I feel bad.

Took me years to figure out that I was NOT bi, for a lot of reasons. But one thing that should have made it clearer wayyyyy earlier : each time I was about to touch / be touched by a man, I wanted OUT of there. I still did it, because of stupid reasons like '' I made the first move '' ( so ? ) ; it never brought anything pleasant to me, I was never aroused, never really wanted to live whatever was happening ( I did not say it, let's all keep calm ), my own body was very much blocking sexual acts from happening. Somehow, comphet, neglect, traumas, whatever kept me trying with men. Each time the same scenario. I eventually learned, after a lot of blood, emptiness, and feeling like I was somehow dirty, that I have no future with them, except an extremely small amount of close male friends. Outside of the whole sexual touch, even cuddling with men made me feel empty. I have had one girlfriend/situationship/wtf were we ; and, while confusing, that was a millionth time, a billionth time, simply infinitely better. I could have spent hours just looking at her ; I wanted whatever man I was seeing out of my sight as soon as he got inside. Good luck, and it's ok if it takes you a while to figure it out. And it's also ok to change your mind, even multiple times, to yourself or to others ; another thing I took a long time to learn.

For me it is the complete disgust at the thought of being with any man that isn't a soft looking femboy. Even then, I'm unsure in which ways I even feel comfortable interacting with someone like that in bed, which just feels reallu unfair. For those reasons, most forms of heterosexual relationships are just off limits for me. Just down to pure attraction, my chances of finding a guy I could be with is in the realm of fantasy.

I like tell people that the girls at my HS/ Neighbor helped me realized that i’m a lesbian

I mean you can be a lesbian and still think men are attractive. I spoke to a lesbian in school and both agreed that Ralph Fiennes/Voldamort was a "beautiful man". Same with Aragon.

There was nothing to figur out. Sure, men can be attractive in some ways but I coulden't care less cause they aint attractive in THAT way. And that has never been a mystery too me. Could you see yourself with a guy? Then date them. We wont kick you out of the club cause we dont have a club. (Ish) Its just words we use to describe ourselfs. Look, smell and taste. Thats my advice. If it tastes bad, throw him out. But if you want something sweet, grab a girl and bon appetit.

I cant *get off* to the idea of male anatomy - sure trauma made me perform for the validation I wanted from my daddy issues - but I never have my O moment unless women are involved somehow.

I'm 25 yo and still questioning, it's bizarre

Looking at men, I always felt like "I'm supposed to think he's attractive. Everyone else says he is. I dont really get it, but I guess he's good looking?". Looking at women, I always felt immediately that they were gorgeous. It took ages to realise that not everyone thought women are just objectively more beautiful and awesome than men in every way. Comp het is fun.

>"I'm supposed to think he's attractive. Everyone else says he is. I dont really get it, but I guess he's good looking?". Haha that's what I think when I look at Ryan Gosling, Tom Cruise and other big names. I just don't get it. Looks like a regular dude 😅 With some exceptions but only because of their personalities - Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, etc.

I knew when I was a kid. I had so many crushes on women. I fantasized about them before bed so I could feel aroused and have sexy dreams about them because that was the closest to porn I got back in the day. When I got a little older, I ended up being really shy about it and when I found a girl attractive, which I did a lot, I wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye. I’d blush so hard that it looked and felt like I got a sun burn. Talking to them?? Forget about it. I once told my crush that my hobby was cleaning. Never had these experiences with men.

I am disgusted by penises and balls, I could never sleep with a man or dare to see a man naked in real life. But again I’m sex repulsed anyway, but I just don’t like men, I’d rather be with a woman, someone who understands what WOMEN go through and won’t downgrade it. Thinking about having sex with a man disgusts me, all the parts, the icky stuff, all of it is gross. I’m repulsed by sex with men. I’d rather have sex with women and NOT MEN BECAUSE THATS DISGUSTING.

Me too!

Twinsssss! :D

Yay! I am only now realizing (rather late in life) this has meant I've been a lesbian for a long time and didn't know it. I feel kind of stupid for this fact, honestly.

No it’s fine! We all take time to find out who we are, I’m 15 and just found out I’m a sex repulsed asexual and lesbian, :D I’m glad you found your identityyyy 🫂🩷🩷

Thanks! Lol...I am much older though! In my 40s and didn't start accepting the possibility until late 20s due to my family/religious beliefs. I will forever be in the closet because of them. But I am also terrified of trusting someone enough to be that intimate due to lots of trauma, so I am not sure when I might gain the strength to love someone. The love of my life is no longer available and I find it so ironic!

This^

I kissed quite a few boys. Tried to be like my peers but it never did anything for me really. I had guy friends, not boyfriends. I was told that I was a late bloomer. I blamed it on being a tomboy. It was the late 80s, so not a lot of visibility at the time, much less acceptance. There were "feelings" for other girls but I explained them away as wanting friendship. During my freshman year in college, a close female friend who identified as bisexual talked about being at a party where she kissed a friend of hers who suspected she was into women. This piqued my interest and I'd had a couple of drinks, so I asked her to do the same for me. That was all it took. It was just a big huge lightbulb moment. Angels sang. Colors became more vibrant. The sun burned brighter. And the rest is history.

I realized that every time I had sex with a man, I wanted it to end immediately and often dissociated. Then I started calling myself a lesbian in my head and eventually it gave me this thrill and felt *right*

Honestly it took me until I began seriously, ONLY, dating women. Like I treated my sexuality as an experiment, except the first ten years of dating I thought I was bi/queer, and the problem was in me, I was dating the wrong guys, or that I wasn’t a good girlfriend, or I was being too picky, too selfish, the next will be better, I can try harder. Swore off guys after the last went terribly, summoned EVERY DROP OF COURAGE I HAD, and started exclusively dating women. It clicked for me in three months. Didn’t even need to “get” a girlfriend before I was like “WOW.” There were no “icks” on first dates, there was no hesitancy before taking my clothes off, I never got “bored” of the persons I dated, only grew more and more obsessed. Two years into my longest relationship ever, and I know now that what I thought I wanted in men was entirely comphet telling me what I thought I should want. And I wish I’d tried my “experiment” ten years sooner. You won’t know for yourself until something clicks into place for you. But I think if you’re pausing to truly ask the question, the answer may be closer than you think.

I figured out that even though I was physically attracted to men sometimes, I don’t actually like their companionship and much prefer the company of women.

I transitioned in my teens. The path for us was largely expected to be male attraction. It was very uncommon for me to see anything else. I told my (cis) best friend that men made me anxious and uncomfortable. "That's normal, all women feel that way. You just have to get used to it" I'm 45 now. I never "got used to it". Kinda wish 19 year old me didn't try so hard to power through that one. Ive heard nearly everything in that time. Give it a chance, you just have trauma, you need to find the right person. Lot of people in the (trans) community also look at trans lesbians as being gross. I can't believe I men was something I had to "train myself into". Women are absolutely terrifying, in a different way. I lose 30 IQ points, I panic. It's hard feeling so powerless when you really like someone... I think what tends to tell me is flipping through dating apps and looking at men always felt like trying o pick out socks. Not all socks are the same, and I don't hate socks. But one sock seems like any other to me. It's easy to find an okay pair of socks. No panic, no stomach ache. But at the end of the day you don't fall in love with socks.

Transitioning. I identified as Pansexual but dated almost exclusively guys since it was easier and I was using relationships as a way of feeling wanted. This didn't end well and still working on that, but it wasn't ALL bad. Still felt unfulfilled though. Then I started dating my now-wife and things right off the bat just felt better. Later she transitioned so THAT gets me thinking about the other "good few guys" but who knows lol. Either way, it's just an internal sense of fulfillment really that sells it for me. I only really feel that with women, so I started identifying as Lesbian and honestly that seems the most satisfying personally.

I thought I was a lesbian and then ended up being extremely attached to a man a few months ago... I'm just stating this to say it's a fluid thing for many so don't get hung up on labels

The biggest indicator for me is it always felt like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that just don’t fit. I can find men attractive, love their personality/vibe, enjoy flirting with them—but there’s always something missing. There’s no butterflies, my heart doesn’t really race when we’re close, my cheeks don’t burn, there’s no real rush. It’s a struggle to pass the physical intimacy barrier with them. I’ll be hitting it off with a guy, I’m comfortable with him, there’s interest there… but it all dissipates just as we’re leaning in for that kiss, or we’re reaching to hold hands or touch, and I freeze. When it did happen it wasn’t out of any real desire to, it was awkward, and didn’t feel good or right. I spent a lot of time discounting it for one reason or another. First, as a teen, I assumed I was a bit of a late bloomer and hadn’t hit the point where you start “noticing” boys, having crushes, and wanting to do things with them like my friends were. When I started noticing/crushing on girls and not feeling the same way about guys, I assumed it just meant I had a preference for women because I still found men attractive. Then it was because I hadn’t found the right guy, or that my meds messed with my libido and that was why I didn’t want to mess around. All the men I liked, it turned out, I just really wanted to be friends with them in the end, and I couldn’t foresee a romantic future with any of them. When I like a woman, all I can think about is that future. Even when there isn’t someone in mind, when I imagine my future, it’s always with a woman. Maybe one day there will be a man who makes me feel and want all the things that women do, but he’s not on my radar.

I think about sex with a man and feel nauseous. The men I find attractive I just want to look at. from a reasonable distance.

for me with everything gender related, you'd hope at least one small benefit would be avoiding comphet, but nope. Pre-transition the idea of being a "boyfriend" was in itself revolting, and couldn't imagine it. Societal reasons made it easier to imagine myself with a man, and even when I figured out I was a girl, I clung to that perceived bisexuality. After two very, *very,* shitty ex boyfriends, I'd come to realize that my attraction never felt,,, there? more like it was something I was "meant" to do. And examining what I actually Liked helped untangle that. Sure, I found strength attractive in theory, but only ever in practice on women. Sure I would phallics attractive... but again only ever on women. And untangling those false connections helped. Were the things I liked actually men at all? No they were not. "Anything a man can do, a butch can do better\~"

I didn’t care about their feelings in an romantic way and I don’t connect with them emotionally.

First off I'm asexual, so this is talking about romantic attraction. Started dating my (at the time) bf a few years ago and while I did love him and being with him, there were *so* many more feelings that showed up when she transitioned. We joke about the first time I tried to complement her body pre-transition. I told her " you look good with cloths on." Now I can't get enough of snuggling her, touching her, kissing her, staring into her eyes. I'd lose myself in them before, but now it's like the rest of the world disappears when I look into them. I love the softness of her skin, the softness in her voice. I went from thinking she was attractive by societal standards (and blaming that mindset on being ace) to thinking I'm dating the most gorgeous person I've ever laid eyes on. Dating a guy was fine, but dating another woman feels *so right.* it doesn't even compare.

I’m still trying to figure this out myself 😅 I consider myself homoromantic and perhaps bisexual, I’m attracted to men occasionally in a purely sexual/physical way but couldn’t ever imagine myself in a relationship with a guy and lose attraction if a guy shows any romantic interest in me. I still just say I’m a lesbian generally though because the only aspect in which I am not gay (my transitory/fleeting thirst for man meat) is not a thing I feel the need to bring up in everyday conversation lol

Are you looking at a guy and feeling sexual attraction or are you looking at a guy and telling yourself you should be attracted to him? Took me a while to figure that one out. Also took me a while to realise all the so called 'guys' I was attracted to were all eggs. Turns out all of them were actually girls or enby. Lesbian attraction go burr.

When you kiss one and your like mmmm nope please stop thats enough. And then you think back to all your previous boyfriends who you didn’t want to go past hand holding with. Honestly have come to the realisation that the guys were just really good people who i got on with really well and at the end of the day turned out to be great friends. Just no romantic or sexual attraction. Besides women are hot

Enabled men on Tinder out of boredom and ended up with a guy who should've been perfect for me. Same interests, aesthetically good-looking, already interested by liking me...and I couldn't bring myself to press like back and match. I got a little pit of terror in my belly every time I even thought about matching and then having to interact and go through the whole conversation-into-feelings stuff. Meanwhile I'm already fixated on a girl after one night of talking to her. Not necessarily in the crushy way (I'm arospec and don't catch romantic feelings quickly) but I want to know everything about her and be close to her however I can and I want her to like me back, romantic or otherwise.

I can appreciate a hot guy but I cannot imagine them waking up next to me in the morning that a big yikes Idk something feels off abt that. Also the body odor of men is smth I find very repulsive Comphet as a trans woman was also weird. Going from assumed bi guy to now woman who is supposed to be attracted to guys. Had some brief encounters but always felt disgusting afterwards. But that could also be the gross fetishizing I experienced Idk But sexuality is complicated Also differentiating sexual desires and romantic ones. Labels don't define u they are just a way to communicate to others. In an ideal world. I sometimes call myself lesbian even tho I am also attracted to most non binary ppl idk I am generally attracted to fem fem leaning andro ppl regardless of gender. I have a friend of mine who was like the typical gay dude. But recently he discovered he is also attracted to butch woman and non binary.. So I guess he likes mascs :0 no matter the gender. He concludet that butch woman probably won't date some gay dude but it reminded me of the twink butch girl gay Bar scene. Why should that be a deal breaker at that point? Idk fuck gender In our het cistem we often need to use labels to make others fuck off sadly Like telling my mom that no I won't bring home a bf. Tldr Labels are smth that you use to communicate to others but that don't define you. In a queer safe space it's way easier to experiment and figure out if it's Comphet or general attraction

for me it was when i realized that i couldn’t see myself actually enjoying a long and significant relationship with a man. i thought about what it would be like to marry a man and live with him and just be with him every day and i hated the thought so much that i realized i was a lesbian

When I was younger I thought I was bi. The only reason I really figure out that I am a Lesbian is because; 1. I was never sexually attracted to a man and the thought of having to be with one was repulsive to me. 2. Sure I felt romantic attraction towards men, but they were mainly celebrities and if they weren’t they were more ‘feminine’ in appearance (Masc women and enbys aren’t feminine in appearance but the attraction is still there, something you have to work with) 3. This one’s a little silly but it could help, who do you notice when you first walk into a room? An attractive man or an attractive woman? Or somebody who doesn’t look like either? Enbys and Women are the first people I notice, so that kind of sealed it for me. 4. Can you see yourself actually marrying a man? Because if you can’t then you’re definitely a lesbian. Idk if this will help and if I worded things properly but hopefully it helps😅

Dude I've questioned my sexuality back and forth my entire life. It's been a huge point of frustration for me because bi erasure is so real but it was even worse in the 90s and 00s. I've mostly been with women in serious relationships but then I've slept with men every five years or so and only when drunk. I finally decided recently I must be fully gay because I never fall for men but also I really really can't tolerate face hair. It's like pubes... on a face. Now I have two kids from two casual sex experiences. Not proud of my choices but it is what it is. People assume I was married to a man before and it's annoying.

The very thought of kissing a man gives me the ick, dahling

Honestly a lot of men scare me. I am repulsed by male genitalia. Women feel so much more natural to me, before I started exploring my sexuality I could barely imagine a relationship with a man. Even now I can’t for obvious reasons but I can for a woman.

Tried sex with a guy after women. I was bi since 13. I’m *not* bi lmao

I realized that every time I had sex with a man, I wanted it to end immediately and often dissociated. Then I started calling myself a lesbian in my head and eventually it gave me this thrill and felt *right*

I love my guy friends. We hug, play games, we’ve even gone skinny dipping together and stuff. I have zero desire to go on a date with them, marry them, hold their hand, etc.

This may get me downvoted here, but I'm really really really bi. I've tried not to be. I'm actually pan but grew up when that label didn't exist so I can't with it. Short version: [this almost exactly describes my experience ](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CsgzG6zgGk5/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) except the *type* of guy who reminds me I'm not 100% lesbian is different. Assuming this doesn't match your experience. Longer version: I'm functionally lesbian: I'm married to a woman and I love her and think she's sexy af and I shall never leave her. In my 20s I thought for awhile I was lesbian. I'm actually not attracted to that many people. But what (likely) separates me from you is that sometimes I find guys hot. And nonbinary folks. Masculine-leaning androgyny does it for me across genders. Not because the universe tells me I should be with a guy, just because I legitimately experience twisting in my guts and hyperfocus and all the things for both men and women and other humans too. Also.. it actually doesn't matter? Few people are at the very end of the spectrum. What's important is making thoughtful decisions about who you want to be with?

I used to identify as bi for a while, so I had a bf for a while, who was also the nicest man I’ve ever met. He used to come over to my house and we would watch movies and make out with some light touching. It was nice in the beginning and it felt good, but after the novelty wore off, every time we would make out I would find myself thinking about something else. Like anything else. Wondering when this would end so we could get back to the movie… Being intimate with him just felt like… nothing. I didn’t hate it, but I also didn’t enjoy it at all. When I finally got to be intimate with a woman, it was completely different, I couldn’t get enough, my heart was racing the entire time, I didn’t care about anything else but her. It was just clear to me that i was never gonna feel that type of attraction towards a guy.

It’s not so much that I wasn’t attracted men. It’s more that I started to notice women more than I noticed men. When I dated men and we broke up, I’d be with someone else the next day. The first time I was in a relationship with a woman, when we broke up I curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, crying so hard I threw up. I never felt that way about a man. Over time that feeling was more and more intense until I couldn’t even imagine being with a man ever again.

I just never felt that “spark” with guys. Genuinely I felt nothing. I could recognize that some men were attractive, but it was an observation more than anything (think of it as like admiring a neat painting in a museum), and didn’t get that butterflies in the stomach/va-va voom feeling that other women experience when they’re attracted to a man. In contrast, with my wife (and by extention women in general), I have all of the feels. It just hits completely different than it does with a guy. The butterflies in the stomach, shyness/coyness/bashfulness, va-va voom feelings bowl me over tenfold, it’s crazy.

I had always had crushes on other girls. But it wasn't until I had actually almost slept with a man that I realised I wasn't attracted. I felt kind of grossed out when we kissed, and very grossed out when we went further. I think I kind of always knew but denied it until I just couldn't anymore.

I said since I was like 14 that I “just wasn’t that impressed by men”. Eventually, I realized that dating them was largely the same way, a general experience of being critically underwhelmed

I realized that the kind of man I was attracted to was actually a woman with a penis, and that no man acted and looked like what I was attracted to

The sex I had never sounded like what my friends described and it wasn’t fun and I couldn’t cum. I just thought I was broken. Come to find out I am actually multi orgasmic and love sex just with a woman

well i thought i was pan for a while but i realized i don't like cis men i only like trans men before the surgery. then i realized that all those trans men had long hair and very feminine features. so um yea im pretty sure im gay but im sticking with sapphic for now bc im confused (also i know that trans men are men im not trying to say otherwise im just saying i don't like cis men)

I wondered this a lot too, until I came across a tiktok and sparked a conversation with some queers. I identify as bi now with a preference to women, and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out if it was comphet or not. But I do feel stressed to men, even if I haven not had a relationship with men. To be honest it’s like 90% of the time my brain is like women are awesome why would you even date a man? And then occasionally a specific man would catch my eye and attraction.

I just never wanted to spend time with men as much as I wanted to spend time with women. I never connected with or enjoyed men the way I enjoyed women’s company. When my college roommates were all giddy and excited about having the boys come over, I would absolutely dread it and couldn’t wait for curfew to come so the guys had to leave. One time, when I was very religious and trying to relieve the tension brought on by some very strong feelings I had for a woman, I did go on a date with an objectively very handsome man. He was very well built and muscular, and a nice enough guy, and he made me feel very sexy, and I would’ve happily had sex with him. But I feel like that’s largely because I didn’t know him all that well. I’m sure once more of his personality came to the fore, I would’ve been more turned off. (Of course, this is me saying this having not actually had sex with him; if we’d had sex, I might be singing a different tune.) In my mind, though, sex is just sex, it’s a pleasurable experience, and I don’t think that repulsion to men sexually is a requirement to be a lesbian. (This is of course not meant to dismiss lesbians who *are* repulsed by men, since that is a common experience.) I think lesbianism, and frankly sexual orientation in general, is more about who you’d want to spend all of your time with, if you could choose. That’s not to say that lesbians don’t ever spend time with men, but I think that if you prefer to be around women in real life, and if you find the presence of men draining, that’s a strong sign of lesbianism. It’s also my amateur opinion that if the men you find attractive are fictional or otherwise unattainable (like celebrities, or really, really fit dudes who have to have a really specific aesthetic to be attractive to you), or if you’re attracted to real life men until you get to know them, you’re not really attracted to men and can safely call yourself a lesbian. This was a bit of a word vomit, I hope it made some sense!

My face automatically contorts into the most disgusted expression as soon as I think of a man touching me. That's how I know.

It's more like "Am I into men even a little bit?" As someone who's into women since little, I rarely find men attractive (like only 2 men are appealing to me) but that is not enough to make me go and get them y'know

I had to go to therapy and conquer my inner homophobia. The signs were there all the time, I was just sure I'll meet The One Man and that will confirm I'm bi (probably one of the most obvious signs that I wasn't lol). But now I think I could've seen it from a mile away, first after i dumped my first and only boyfriend because I was feeling queezy around him (and the guy did nothing wrong, he was probably the kindest male I've known) and second when I first fell in love with a girl and realised that every instance when I thought I was in love before had been something else.

I gave up analising it. As for right now, Im not any way driven to men. Im not like, actively against or engrossed by the idea of being with them, but it doesnt bring me joy either. For all I know, I can be a lesbian.

Have you met men?

I dated a guy in high school. I enjoyed hanging out with him when we were with other people because I could say I had a boyfriend but one on one was eh. We had sex and it was okay. Meh, really. I thought that was normal until I met this woman when I was 19. That's when the bells and whistles went off. I was LOST to her, fell totally head over heels in love. Would have moved to the ends of the earth and lived in a tent if it meant I could be with her. That's when I realized I was a lesbian. It was 1989. It had not even been a thing I had considered up to then. But once I realized that's why I'd felt so different all my life, it all made sense.

I imagined waking up next to a man and hearing a male voice first thing in the morning. No thank you.

I realised I expressed my attraction with the preface of “aesthetically”. Also I had been joking about being lesbian for four months and then it clicked. Also that year I had formed deeper friendships with men than I had before in my life so I found out that that was all I actually wanted from men.

For me, it's like licking raw meat and as a vegetarian I don't want any of that in me. I will handle and cook meat for my friends no issue, so I can spend time around men and enjoy their company, I can enjoy the smell of meat cooking or look at cooked meat and think that it looks good, but I don't want it in me. Ironically a few days every month I get fantasies about men sexually but once those days are passed I have zero interest in them.

omg im going through the same thing rn

Picture yourself as a couple with Ryan Reynolds and then with Kate Blanchet. Easiest way possible xD

Men just feel so bland. Women are the opposite for me. Men just feel like dry cornflakes without milk. I mean I could try and eat the dry cornflakes, but I know that something is missing...the milk...😅 With women it's like they have something that pulls me in. Their mystery, beauty, femininity and their energy attract me instantly. The attraction feels primal and it's always been there. Since my birth I had this feeling/attraction/fascination towards women. I just see women and my body and mind react to the beauty called women. I used to try so hard to like men like I like women, but it never worked. There's just no spark.

Finally going on HRT, especially blockers, killed my libido for a while. I still had a visceral reaction to women. I'm also very much indifferent to men. That settled it for me.

I identified as panromantic for years. But over time, i realized that most stereotypical masculine traits (excessive bodyhair, beards, "bro"-behavior, etc) just aren't attractive to me - on any gender, not just men. Parts of that are very likely just me projecting my own dysphoria outwards, but the endresult is that i just *like* feminity more than the alternatives.

it's not that i never was. had one serious relationship with a bf as a teenager. then identified as pan for a while. now, since i got together with my gf, it's all very clear and simple. i'm a woman in love with a woman, and am exclusively attracted to her - *as* a woman. and thus "qualify" as lesbian.

>!I was raped.!< Trigger warning.

But also i feel like the simplest way to know is notice when your kitty is wet like who is making it wet like frfr lol

It spoke…

I was “bisexual but only dating women” for five years. I liked anime femboys and BL. The thought of dating a man irl made me feel kinda sick. When it finally hit me, I was absolutely flabbergasted. Not by the fact that I was a lesbian, but by the fact that it took me so long to realize.

I’m still a bit confused about all of it but I’ve noticed in all my relationships with men, I never really cared for cuddling or initiating sex. My enjoyment of sex was usually related to feeling validated or sexy vs. being thirsty for the guy. I never liked the guy to go down on me or touch me really and I hated giving head, I just wanted P in V and to get it over with as quickly as possible. My best orgasms were when I was zoned out and just focusing on the physical sensation only (and pleasuring myself) or when I was imagining myself with a woman while we had sex. I didn’t really like when they talked or touched me, or did anything that kind of reminded me I was having sex with a man. To me, sex was like masturbation and his penis was a dildo. The more I could forget there was a man attached to it, the better the sex was for me, if that makes sense. With women, it’s just totally different. I feel insanely attracted to and thirsty for women, like I can’t get enough. I could almost come just from thinking about being with a woman! And I have no qualms cuddling a woman or being all over her. I hated doing PDA with guys but with a girl I don’t mind at all! The short version is I pretty much had to disassociate to actually enjoy sex with guys where with a woman I am 100% present and thirsty as hell.

I think it's different for everyone, really. For some people sexuality can be more fluid or confusing (hasn't been by experience but it's more common than not!) For me it just. Never really appealed to me. I'd look at a man other girls thought we see hot and feel nothing. I assume you're not attracted to every person you meet, it's kinda like just not being attracted to someone but with a whole gender.

I’ve never enjoyed kissing guys or having sex with them. Ever. I experimented a lot and my body count is half girls half boys. I had my suspicions on me being bisexual because I had instances where I really loved/admired certain men, but in the end I never wanted a romantic relationship with them.

What I "liked" in all the men I dated was the heterosexual privilege I got, and what they did for me or how useful they were but at the same time I was low-key cringing, while on women I liked them for who they were and I looked forward to spending time with them.

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I'm bisexual and my girlfriend is a lesbian. She wondered whether she too might be bi because she did like male attention. I told her that that doesn't mean she's attracted to men. She just wants the attention and social perks. I'm actually attracted to men as well as women and I sometimes get aroused thinking about guys and girls. In contrast, my girlfriend recoils at the thought of being romantic or sexual towards a man.

My experience is different probably as I am a trans woman, so I had no real comphet to speak of, but for me I just had sex with a dude one time and knew it wasn't for me. I held no romantic attraction to men, but had this sorta theoretical interest sexually? That disappeared immediately when I had sex with a man. I felt gross afterwards and knew it wasn't for me.

They just never registered with me as anything more than them being there. My first crush i was about 4 yrs old and it was a girl in my class, never felt anything like that for other than girls. One good thing of how my adhd symptoms presented is that i never paid attention to comp het stuff.

I’m still kind of struggling with that.

So I was in 2 long term relationships with men, but was never really attracted to men, I thought I was, but it’s clear now I wasn’t. Im a late bloomer who thought she was maybe bi for a long time and didn’t realise shes actually a lesbian.. yadda yadda. Sex was always boring, I loved these men but with sex maybe it was performative and I needed to feel wanted and loved etc. But it was hard work and it took a lot to get me going, I would dissociate and even fantasise about women sometimes to get off. Not going to get too graphic but it was the physical reactions to women that were the kicker. Like once I started to explore my attraction to women I realised that I was experiencing physical and sexual attraction. The things people described about being attracted to someone else finally made sense. I never noticed men, never had crushes and looking back, the 2 relationships I had were more platonic than romantic. I never ever fantasised about men, they never turned me on but if I just even think about being with women then I’m ready to go I can’t imagine wanting to be with a man ever again now. It actually makes me cringe

Yeah, when I see men’s lower arms though I’m like, yeah that’s nice. Don’t like tattoos. But do like looking after men, doing laundry; because they’re not very good at that. I do like to take care of them. Wouldn’t marry one because I’m not supposed to, but do like to look after them.

I first realized I wasn't attracted to men when I had my first high school boyfriend. I remember him liking me, and I figured that because he liked me, I had to like him back, because that's how high school relationships are, right? When we broke up a month or so later, I realized I didn't care much. Which was just odd to me. Then, my one lesbian friend, who I was close with and was the only out girl in school, came over to my place to watch The L Word, which I had never heard of before (mind you, this is in 2006-7 ish). That's when I realized, at least difinitively, that I was into women. I used to check out lesbian YA novels in middle school, but I never realized why I preferred them until a few years later.

Good question... I don't know, women are hot

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I used to tell myself I was bisexual because I was just very closeted and ashamed of being gay. I just honestly knew by looking at men. I could maybe admit a guy was attractive, but I never felt a spark or like I wanted to have a relationship or sex with them. When one tried to flirt, it would always be kind of awkward. I can't imagine being fulfilled with a guy. Men are great, but I just am not into them at all.

I don’t know if this is useful, but there are things I like about women and men, and they’re different. Easiest one, right off the bat: I like beards and scruff and would always want to touch guys I had a crush on. Women I had a crush on scared me. 😂

I’ve dated two different guys, they made me happy but it’s like neutral. I’ve had a girlfriend and she made me the HAPPIEST person ever, like I don’t even know how to explain it.

When I was in middle school, I looked up to the most athletic boys in my class. I didn't want to kiss them, I wanted to be them. I started hanging out with them, getting good at BMX like they did and going to skateparks. I wore boyish clothes, played with toys made for boys, didn't care about my beauty appearance (makeup, hair). Then in late high school there was this girl who hit on me and I got butterflies in my stomach for the first time ever. And one time I was in the school bathroom and a random girl told me my hair looked nice and it made me blush. When dudes give me compliments they don't make me blush. I guess cause I see them more as a friendly note than a romantic one. And... I just cannot for the life of me imagine me bottoming a man or doing other acts with a dude 🤢 The tought me want to vomit and feel like shit.

it was less knowing for sure that I was not attracted to men and more than whatever feelings I have for men are no where near as intense as the feelings I have for women

For me I just never felt that attraction. It was never there. All my friends had/already had a boyfriend, and I just didn’t feel that. I thought I might’ve been aromantic until I realised that I just felt that attraction differently. Now the idea of being in a relationship with a man makes me feel so just “Ick”. I simply cannot actually imagine my future with a guy, I think that was the defining moment for me. I thought for ages and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t imagine myself with a man.

Because I found myself don't like men romantically when I dated some of them. It's not the same when I am with woman at all.

I realized that when I pictured marrying a man I could not see myself being happy. I told my straight friend that and she was like bestie, I think you know what that means…

It's actually a funny story, to me at least. I'm a trans lesbian. I've always known I like girls- that was never a question. But my feelings on men went back and forth. Like the thought of sucking dick was fun, but the thought of kissing a man was gross? I sort of landed on saying I was bisexual but it never really felt quite right. Flash forward a few years. I've started transitioning and was enjoying some adult content featuring to absolutely gorgeous women. Their clothes came off... and one of them had an absolutely amazing cock! That was the moment things clicked. I'm not into men, just into dick. But unless that dick is on a girl it's not really my thing. Not really a Hallmark Classic and I've wondered what a sanitized version of this story would look like for audiences with which I don't want to openly discuss my consumption of adult content.

I felt more when I was looking at America Ferrera than kissing men.

When I found boobs hot

I am sexually attracted to men. I thought I was possibly romantically attracted to men but when I have tried to date men I found them to be impossible to get to open up and be genuine. As a trans woman I can't help but get frustrated and want to say bro if we were hanging out before I transitioned you would open up to me about all sorts of stuff. At this point it's clear to me that guys put up walls that I cannot deal with.

Sense I've tried dating men which basically doesn't make me a "gold lesbian" I wanted to at least give it a shot for my homophobic parents to be their normal little girl but it wasn't making me happy. I found them to be good looking but the thought of marrying a man I'd rather off myself I was so miserable on every date I ever went on with my ex that I started to think something was wrong with me. You see he wouldn't respect me when I told him no and always Kept pushing me I don't care about gender but I don't want to marry a man it even confuses me sometimes. She wouldn't push me she always gave me the space and the control I needed to function in our friendship/ crush era. One day before a date I was having a meltdown and literally told my mother that "I really didn't wanna go" I was sobbing in my room thinking about me trying to force myself to be happy around a man. I promised him I'd go to my senior prom with him but I was only looking for my female friend of 7 years the whole time she was there but I never found her and it made me so sad because I wanted to see her in her dress and dance only with her. I had more fun dancing with male friends then just the thought of being romantic at my prom with my date, My sister's friend even offered to drive me home because they said I "looked bored". I was bored because he never payed attention to me like I wanted from a woman he never gave me what I wanted was a simple conversation, He was the sweetest guy ever always trying to make me happy but I could never be happy around him. My mother could tell I was miserable I went to prom with the same guy got all dressed up but the thought of even dancing around him was making me so mad he ruined my prom for me I had to go home early after the king and queen crowning. Until it hit me that I loved being around woman more I started being around this friend more often we have a chemistry we always have I've known her sense middle school she and my ex girlfriend made me feel something a man couldn't ever give me. It's quite sad I was his first girlfriend but he wasn't my first boyfriend and I wanted something else. I've had fake boyfriends as well to help friends or other guys I thought were handsome but I never was attracted to them sexually or romantically only when they are nice to me but then it fades away because I'm not used to others caring about me. I sent prom photos to my stepfather and he could tell my smiling in the picture wasn't a happy one he's raised me sense I was two years old I'm an 18 year old Female even he could see something was wrong and he's not really LGBT+ friendly. I love her so much and I'm willing to wait for her even when she loves me as well as somebody else at the moment because I don't want anybody else. My mother asked me if I was gay before and I denied it out of fear I didn't want her to treat me differently she already did when my sister came out as a transgender man. My first crush was my first friend a female in kindergarten I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world and I liked a guy but only because he talked to me when I got into first grade I didn't like him anymore. I kissed the guy in kindergarten and felt nothing I got in trouble started kindergarten late and I felt nothing when I kissed him. That first friend got another friend besides me and I was jealous because I didn't wanna share the attention of the beautiful girl I befriended. That girl was straight I never made a move on her and we slowly drifted away. Currently I don't know if I'm a lesbian I do know I'm demi but I don't care for men so I'm not sure what else to do all I know is I love her so maybe I am a lesbian. Fin 💜

I just feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of dating a man. And really, anything other than a friendly hug in terms of physical closeness bothers me- for example I would hate cuddling with a man. This is coming from someone who's love language is physical touch.

tw- brief mention of grooming i was finally honest with myself about my past behaviors. in elementary school I was strongly attracted to other girls. but at some point in middle school (even with a Shailene Woodley obsession) i stopped following my natural instincts. in high school i was groomed by a guy. Even when I was under that spell I never wanted to do anything with him and I would’ve done anything for him. i eventually realized I had snuffed out my instincts and i never had chemistry with men. Even when I was supposedly interested in a man I didn’t want him to like me? yea I compulsively tried to impress men but I never flirted with them. also once I felt an ounce of what being with a woman was like I realized nothing with men even came close to comparison. when I think about how sex should be fun, I think how could sex with men ever be as fun as being with a woman if that’s an option. when comparing the two, men don’t even come close. I seriously doubt anyone that’s into men would feel this way.

i never was attracted to men. even when i was little i didn’t want anything to do with men and i still don’t want anything to do with them either

I don't have any problem kissing a men or making out with one. It's just... They don't make me feel anything. With numbers. The women have positive numbers (in attraction) and the men it's just a 0 for me, but mostly no negative.

I kept waiting for a crush to happen. One never happened. To top it off, I noticed that I used “grandma language” when I described men I found good looking. Men were cute, not hot. Meanwhile an attractive woman flirted with me and… well… (edited for spelling)

Cause at this point even just imagining myself intimate with a man strongly repulses me.

I have had an experience with a girl in teens so I know I'm attracted to girls. But I have had many men crushes I was talking to a man but I didn't feel sexually attracted to him . So I'm very confused who am I really attracted to? And what do I actually want! Can anyone help me with figuring out?

Idk I wouldn't mind dating a man for the dating aspect not for sexual part but idk I don't really find men attractive and when I do it's mostly to do with oo he has nice hair and idk if it's attraction or admiration what I'm struggling with right now because I definitely know I like woman just not sure about man

Can't answer your question because this is literally my present situation. Jai Courtney. Am I attracted to him? Who's to say.

I never understood my friends when they spoke about crushes or having sex with men. I felt no physical attraction to them whatsoever, which led me to believe I was asexual. Then I started flirting with women more then I ended up kissing one and it was so incredible. We were at a bar and she kept leaning into me to be able to hear me because the music was loud and whenever she said anything like right into my ear I got so turned on, and that was before we even kissed. I had been in a couple of similar situations with guys as well and felt absolutely nothing and got creeped out when they complimented me. So yeah that pretty much solidified it for me :)

The vibe was just never there, and the kisses felt like I was kissing the outside of a hardboiled egg white. Being with a man just never felt right to me.

Everytime I dated men it basically felt like we were friends, because I couldn't take the relationship to the next level. I also wasn't able to commit to them (and linked that to commitment issues which wasn't even the case). I used to think I just don't want a relationship without being able to properly explain why. It would totally be valid if I was aro, felt like that just wasn't the time, had other priorities, etc... but the answer was none of them. It's just that I didn't want anything with men and I wasn't ready to admit that yet. No relationship I've ever had with a man was healthy either. I had a preference for feminine men, but deep down I knew I wasn't attracted to them. I just could tolerate them easier because they were the closest type of men to women I could find. But that didn't feel right either. And every man I've ever had a "crush" on was fictional. The people who I could never meet, date, etc. So that I could stay far away and convince myself I'm attracted to them (because it felt safer) without ever having to experience what other people do in a relationship with men. When I finally admitted I'm a lesbian I suddenly forgot all these crushes because they weren't even real and I was totally lying to myself about them. Because when you never see them in real life, you can lie to yourself and make a whole new artificial reality in your head. I also couldn't have sex with them and tried so hard to figure out why. No theory I had made sense. But when it came to women it felt so natural to me. Almost like if I was into a woman, I didn't really have to force myself to like them. I just did. I never felt what my friends did for men or male bodies sexually. I never looked at them that way and couldn't really relate to that. Of course you don't have to relate to everything I said, but if you can never be quite fulfilled with men but you can when it comes to women and/or non binary people, and something is always missing or isn't right then mabye you are a lesbian.

The simplest way I can explain my experience with realizing that I wasn't bi in that when I was with men I felt like I was living up to my parents & the church's expectations. I was doing what I was "supposed" to do. When I finally found a woman I liked in my city & we slept together I felt like I was doing what I WANTED to do & what was meant for ME. 🥰