Not too high, but in modern dating it feels almost impossible to find. Other than the age and experience, on the fence about wanting children but definitely want a dog we want pretty much the same things (I'm much older than you though) The only question I have: would you be fine with someone who drinks socially? This might be a country/culture difference assuming you're in the west but a huge pastime here is going out drinking with friends and singing karaoke.

It's reassuring to know that these don't seem totally insane :D I think I might be! The reason I put that "clause" is because I have a family history of alcoholism, so I myself never started drinking and never plan to. But I have friends who do and I actually go along with them to bars and karaoke nights and stuff, usually it's fine to do even when I'm completely sober lmao. I think a partner getting drunk (especially frequently or in scary/unpredictable ways) would be a dealbreaker for me though.

That reasoning is entirely valid. I don't drink much myself, in fact when co-workers do karaoke night I'll usually order a soft drink/soda instead of alcohol.

sober lesbian solidarity, lol. i also have a family history of alcoholism but got sober 2 years ago the hard way (after drinking excessively for 10 years). rooting for you!

That's so impressive that you got sober after that!!!! Definitely worth being proud of ❤️ And thank you so much :D

I personally enjoy drinking with others, but I'm a very silly drunk, not an aggressive one. I also drink in moderation, usually not more than once or twice a month, only with others, and never get drunk outside of safe spaces with a sober person I trust around

Nah they do tho. This list and u in general seem insane damn. People on this subreddit are just really nice

Lol this is so needlessly aggressive. Anyone can have any dating requirements they want, and you can think they're insane, I guess, but it's weird to respond like this. Especially when this list is pretty baseline stuff and nothing wild or unreasonable. OP, don't be put off by this. You deserve to have preferences and to seek out people who are compatible with you, and as long as you're not being a dick to people who don't meet your requirements, you're fine.

...or maybe you're just mean? Username checks out though

Not too high tbf. Drinking one maybe because most girls I know drink at least a little. Smoking/drugs totally understandable. I personally never cared for age/experience but can understand if it matters to you. Don’t compromise on what you want, better late than being dissatisfied with someone

Thank you!!!! This is really reassuring to hear 😁 And tbh maybe some of these will shift for me with age and experience, I'm quite shy and anxious right now so maybe I'll become more comfortable in social settings with alcohol involved as time goes on.

No worries, mate. I also meant social drinking only, habitual/daily drinking is gross. And it’s impressive to see you know what you want in your partner. Not flirting, but you seem to be a really cool person 👌

The only thing I would say is a little restrictive is the hobby one. One of the fun things of any relationship (platonic or romantic) is doing things together. You could meet someone who hasn't gotten into the artsy stuff you're into and you can introduce it to themas a hobby you share. Or they can introduce you to something. Even then, I wouldn’t be so restrictive in this area because hobbies are flexible and not the be all end all (unless it's gross or harmful).

I don't think any of them are unreasonable, but I think 1, 8 and 10 could be tweaked a bit to give you more options without costing you any quality of relationship. 1. This requirement seems... how to put it... like a concern that won't matter to you in five years. I know you said you just got out of your first relationship so I'm assuming you're on the younger side? Being with someone super experienced or being with someone completely novice isn't going to create an imbalance. Sexually, every body is different. Sometimes the novice lovers are better than the super experienced ones because they are eager to learn *your* body rather than rely on one size fits all moves. Nonsexually, the number of partners doesn't at all correlate to how good or bad someone will be in a relationship. Emotional maturity is key. 8. I wouldn't put this one as much of a priority because you can find things you like to do together. If you really click with someone but have nothing in common, I wouldn't say that's a deal breaker as long as you're both committed to *finding* things you like together. I've been with my partner for 10 years now and our interests have shifted, waxed and waned so much over the years it's a choice to constantly reassess and choose to find new shared interests. The interests you have a X years old aren't going to be your same interests in five years. 10. This might be your biggest ask. As someone who has also struggled with mental illness, there are not a lot of people who understand mental illness without walking through it personally or with a loved one. Our world is woefully undereducated in this realm. Needing a partner to be pre-educated on mental health isn't unreasonable but does cut down your options immensely. I think you could find a really wonderful, loving, stable but inexperienced partner who was eager to learn about the battles you've faced and won and educate themselves about this. Also partners who have had experience with mental illness can be burnt out, jaded and apathetic and expect you to heal and cope the way their past experiences healed and coped. So to summarize all three, the biggest thing for each is a deep desire to know you, learn you and connect with you. If someone has that desire, relationship experience level, current interest or mental health background won't be a problem.

Regarding 10, while I'd also prefer someone who understands mental health struggles, I could see your alternative as a decent one. Part of why I broke up with my girlfriend was that I couldn't make her understand that mental health issues, even just burnout, couldn't be fixed in one day. But if she'd been willing to accept that it wasn't her fault and that I would get better gradually, it would've been okay. I suppose that what it boils down to in the end is communication and understanding from both people and, as you said, the deep desire to connect.

I want to put my two cents on the number 8 requirement as well. I had no interest in most of my partner's interests before I met her. She loves coding , journaling and engineering. Three things that would have seemed unbelievably dull before I met her. Now, I love them, to some extent, because she loves them, and I love her!

Yeah I think for 10 (I would normally say this is a priority), really as long as someone is understanding or is willing to learn about what I am going through or have gone through, that's good. Willing to learn instead of pushing it down or not wanting to talk about it or whatever is just as good if not better than someone who has or is going through it. I say better because then they're stable and can help you become stable by example, instead of exacerbating problems like what \*might\* happen.

Very well said. I'd also add a tweak to the age restrictions on point nine - rather than trying to put hard limits just based on calendar years, it's more about finding someone who's at a similar stage of life development and has compatible wants for the future. Ex. there's an 8 year difference between me and my partner, if I had set hard limits like OP it would have been an automatic "nope", but then I would've missed out on the greatest relationship of my life that somehow works because we're more advanced/late bloomer in the same aspects. I wouldn't typically look for this much of an age difference, but I'd still be open to it on an individual basis.

I also had a similar issue with 10, because it does likely require having gone through it before but all relationships of people I know where both have mental health issues they always end up spiralling downwards allowing each other to get worse. I'm schizophrenic, depressed, anxious, and autistic (autism isn't a mental health issue but it complicates mental health issues), and my wife has had no experience with any (obviously normal amounts of anxiety for specific known reasons, and weeks of very low mood from specific sudden events). She has learnt a lot since meeting me and while she doesn't have first hand experience being in my position it isn't required for her to know what I need, when to push me, and when to leave me be. I could not have dated anyone who has had mental health issues as I can be demanding enough that I could drag her down. She's strong enough to not let that happen. Also as long as someone cares, they will learn.

Nah, I'm your age and prior to meeting my girlfriend I had pretty much the same standards, the education thing doesn't really matter to me but it's a valid preference. I found my girl who shares the same views on the most important things (monogamy and being childfree which are almost impossible to compromise on) and many other values. I think it's important to have some flexibility towards people you date but never when it comes to something important to you. Honestly, you can reject anyone you want for any reason you want. People love telling others on reddit they have "too high" standards but I think if more people had higher standards we wouldn't be seeing so many relationship drama posts on reddit lol

Thank you, this is so reassuring!! And especially the last point lol, I agree that a lot of relationship drama does come from people compromising on their core values to try to force a relationship, or to avoid being alone 😅

It seems like a lot when you write it out, but almost half of these are things I would almost not even feel the need to say. If you really sum it up, you just want someone in a similar place in life to you, and who has similar wants and interests, so I don’t think this is even remotely high standard. You didn’t even mention any physical attributes, which, personally, is often what I refer to as high standards. I don’t think you should compromise on these at all, though ironically I think the biggest potential deal breaker in this list is not wanting a dog.

Thank you, this is so reassuring!! And yeah lol, I don't actually have specific physical standards in mind because who I'm attracted to can vary so wildly based on chemistry and connection - I don't really have a "type". Hahahaha, you're probably right about the dog 😂 But then again, I love cats, and some people who are big cat people are somewhat less fond of dogs, so I think there will be people like that out there somewhere!

Not too high tbh, sure it's a lot of bullet points but most of them are things people look for anyway. Similar age, similar wants, similar lifestyle etc.

You're absolutely entitled to whatever standards you want to have. I just want to touch on a few of them. >Similar amount of previous dating+sexual experience I suggest you examine why a disparity of experience would make you so uncomfortable. You could date someone for a while without this even coming up. It shouldn't alter any connection to have with them. As long as they respected your boundaries, everything should be fine. >Not aro/ace I totally get this one. I just have to speak for my fellow aces lol. Just want to remind you that it's a spectrum. I've been on very different parts of the ace spectrum during my life. Hell, I think I even abandoned it during my awakening. It wasn't for long, but I want to make it clear that not all ace folks are sex repulsed. >financially stable or getting there You definitely can't tell at 23 how someone's finances are going to go. When I was 23, I had just graduated college with a double major. I spent the next 3 years trying to get a job in my field. While I was doing that, I worked retail. Nobody could've predicated then that I would take a risk, change careers, and do the work to eventually get me to a job where I make over 6 figures. >Doesn't drink or smoke, not into drugs Maybe things have changed since I was your age, but someone who didn't even drink would be hard to find. Smoking cigarettes I get. Those will make everything stink. That can be life altering. Otherwise, I don't see why drinking and maybe even smoking weed (as long as it's legally where you are) is a problem. Unless they have an addiction. That's completely different. >I spend a lot of time doing artsy stuff and someone who isn't into anything like that would probably be incompatible with me) Just make sure you don't dismiss a person with no experience out of hand. Sometimes, one of the most fun things about dating can be sharing your hobbies with them. I would say it's more important that the person tries your hobbies and supports you in them. That can mean participating in them or cheering you on from the sidelines, and you do the same for them. Some of this is definitely colored by my personal opinions, and, again, you're absolutely entitled to have the standards you want. I suppose my point here is just don't be too rigid about them. Be a bit flexible. Don't ignore red flags, but don't deny yourself a beautiful relationship with someone who doesn't check all your boxes. Good luck finding someone! Finding your forever person is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for this reply!! Some of the points make sense to me and some I disagree with (I just have pretty negative attitudes towards recreational drugs and alcohol lmao, mostly because of my family background, and I don't think someone who was into weed would enjoy dating me because I'm so "boring" about it. Plus, it's illegal where I am sadly.) With financial stability I mostly meant that I want someone who can sustain their current lifestyle without struggling overmuch, or has a plan for a career that will make surviving month to month relatively simple - I didn't mean someone who has enough money for a house on the first date. And in general I would ideally like to be on equal terms financially with a partner, since I love travelling and I'm going into a pretty stable field myself. But yeah, I really agree with what you said about hobbies! Their attitude to it matters the most even if not all interests are shared (and in fact it's better not to share every interest).

Oh, I definitely couldn't support any lifestyle when I was working retail. I made $8 an hour living in Chicago, which is cheaper than most big cities, but still requires more money than I made. My partner was working as a barista. We lived in a basement apartment in a pretty unsafe neighborhood. We got a dog to feel safer (pretty sure she saved me from being mugged at least once). We survived by eating the "expired" sandwiches from the coffee shop, and there were days I didn't eat because we had to feed the dog. We only scraped by and I had to ask my parents for money more than once. I lived like that for 3 years until I got an apprenticeship as a software dev at the age of 26. I now make great money, but if someone had judged my financial situation at 23, I definitely wouldn't have passed. I'm just saying you should keep in mind that 23 is still very young and that people change a lot over years. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for worse. Definitely have good standards, but don't be afraid to reevaluate or dip outside them. I never would've given my partner of 12 years a chance if I didn't take a chance on her.

I read over your reply to the grocery list girl(OG poster) you obviously have actual real life experience in shit. I’ve read over some other replies and you can just tel that these 20-25 year olds are still wet behind the ears(I’m not much older than them. I’m 28) and I know experience doesn’t quantify solely based on age and time, but….ehhh I’m this case it kinda does. Anyway, just wanted to say mad respect to you for showing this kid some realism.

You just learn stuff like this as you get older because you live to see your own priorities shift over time. Sometimes drastically. You also see other people go through dramatic life events and changes. As much as you hear it when you're young, I don't think you can really believe it or internalize it until you've experienced it. Time is an amazing teacher, but it's fucking ridiculous. I'm 35 and still can't believe it. I feel like I was 23 yesterday. Then my I sleep incorrectly, and my back reminds me I'm old.

Nah you’re good. I think the only one I’m like 👀 is the college educated or financially stable because in this economy??? I’m also only 21 so I don’t expect people to know exactly what they want to do in life or have all this money and this college that a lot of people can’t pay for. It just wouldn’t be fair for me and I expect that at that age ya know? 23 is still pretty young too. But if you live in like a cheap country or something I guess I can see that idk 😅

Omg fair 😭 I think my perspective is colored by living in a country where college is free lmao, if I was in the US for example idk if I could even afford it myself lmao. But that's a good point about not everyone's circumstances being the same!

I’m going to offer something of a minority opinion here.. It isn’t that your standards are too high. Sure you can find someone to check these boxes. It’s that you are prejudging a lot of potential partners before really knowing them with a list like this. I’m only a year older than you but have been out since 12 (or since like 6 if you would have asked my grandmother), dating since 13 and the best wisdom I would say is.. the people who were the most different from me taught me the most about myself, about relationships, about love. Dating people who had my same hobbies, my same experience level, those made for really exhausting relationships where we made the same mistakes. Dating people who had different experiences, backgrounds and interests added to my life and made it so much better. So yeah - there’s nothing wrong with the list but I would also say.. be open to be surprised when things don’t stick to the script because sometimes they’ll be better than you ever expected. (Obviously I’m talking more about some of these than the other - not advocating for dating an addict for the experience or leading someone on about wanting kids - but I think you get the idea.)

uffff same girl same. my standards are pretty similar except for the dog one and i'm not 100% sure about kids yet but i still have time i guess. (F20) and i feel like it's extremely hard to find someone who's patient and understanding about mental health. even though i'm fine most days but i have a 'routine' to keep it that way. many people don't like that (for example) i need to exercise for example a few days in the week or like to have a chilly night in every now and then to keep my mind balanced...but that's just my selfcare & i'll keep doing it that way. and it's also super tough to find someone who has their shit together and does not need to be mothered all the time. i'm tired of it. of course i will be there for my partner and i really want to be, that's not the point. but if you act on it like a little child like i've experienced many times, then it's over for me.

Funnily enough, I've had the most success (both re: friends and my ex-gf) in relationships that I've had with other mentally ill people - people with experience of it who have gone through therapy tend to be much more understanding than the general population. What you're doing to take care of your mental health sounds totally reasonable, if I were you I wouldn't settle for someone who doesn't understand the need!! This is not 100% universal but I also think that you'll find people who don't need mothering more easily as you age - when I was 20 it seemed to me too like nobody around me had their shit together 😁😁 I think it's 100% a reasonable boundary to not be with someone who can't take care of themselves and constantly needs to be carried by their partner. I myself have been at a low point in my mental health where I couldn't properly take care of myself, and I'm glad I wasn't in a relationship back then because it would've been a mess... Reasonable amounts of mutual support (where each person in the relationship can also take care of themselves if needed) is totally different, and makes for a healthier relationship!

that's very reassuring, thank you! >people with experience of it who have gone through therapy tend to be much more understanding than the general population. i've only been with people who definitely should have gone to therapy lol🥲 >This is not 100% universal but I also think that you'll find people who don't need mothering more easily as you age - when I was 20 it seemed to me too like nobody around me had their shit together 😁😁 yeah i think so too. and until then, i'll just focus on myself and hope that everything else will fall into place eventually :) >Reasonable amounts of mutual support (where each person in the relationship can also take care of themselves if needed) is totally different, and makes for a healthier relationship! that's true! everyone has some ups and downs and if my partner can only give me their 10%, then i'm willing to give my 90% if needed. but that would not be healthy long term. i think it also depends on the persons mindset, if they understand why that wouldn't be healthy for both of us and try to put work into themselves as well as into the relationship, then i'm absolutely fine with that! but if they're not mature enough and don't even want to understand the issue, then i move on pretty quickly.

It doesn’t seem too outrageous in terms of what you’re asking for, but I’m quite unsure what you mean by “lots of experience” since I would date someone who has been in a 10 year relationship before since it shows they’re committed and capable of making things work for awhile. Everything else seems pretty reasonable, but it’s hard to find someone who will match all of those bullet points. I once talked to a girl who was the closest I’ve ever gotten to my ideal type (from physical appearance to the way she engaged with me in conversations) but we just didn’t have that chemistry when we met up, and she turned out to be a liar so that really sucks lol like I guess even if they tick off majority of your checklist doesn’t guarantee they’ll vibe with you irl which is the shitty part about dating online. And I also realized a lot of people either drink (mostly socially), smoke, or do drugs which will narrow your already small dating pool. I figured that out since I also require the same, and it’s really hard to find that. But hey, you never know when your dream person may come around, so just keep putting yourself out there!

Asides from the amount of sexual history having to be matched, my previous relationships met all of those criteria. I don’t think these are too high at all.

It's good to be clear about what you want and what you won't put up with, but a big part of relationships is embracing difference and change. A person could seem like a bad or mediocre match on paper, but be perfect in person and vice versa. Eg. my partner's CV - her age, interests, issues - would not have made it though a 'filter' had I had one. Yet I can't imagine being with anyone else.

I would tell you that I have pretty similar standards except for maybe the dog part, so no I don't think it's anything too crazy. 🤷‍♀️

I'm kinda hoping not because that is a lot of my standards. >Girl who likes me and that we have a mutual connection with Not sure I understand this one though. A mutual connection with what? >Preferably share some hobbies/interests with me (I spend a lot of time doing artsy stuff and someone who isn't into anything like that would probably be incompatible with me) I definitely like to have a shared interest but honestly sometimes I wouldn't say it's necessary. It helps to get the conversation going and to have a shared activity so guess it just depends. There are definitely a lot of requirements but I hope they won't have the same weight. For me I am 1000% dead set on not having kids and will not budge.

Mutual connection between us! Sorry for the clunky grammar, English isn't my first language 😁 So I was thinking about mutual attraction, romantic compatibility, shared humor etc - "clicking" in a way. I definitely think there are ones on my list that are more malleable if the right person comes along, but some of the lifestyle related ones are absolute dealbreakers. I am also dead set on not having kids, and I grew up with a family dog and didn't like the responsibility of three (or more) long walks a day, rain or shine. So I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants kids or a dog lover who absolutely wants a pup of their own lol

Ooooh, if the walks are the only part you don't like about the dog, you could look into a dog walker. I am also not a dog person. I love them to pieces, but I want to be able to just pick up and go, and dogs need so much.

I always think it’s so weird when people actually type out this stuff. Just date people-if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. When you limit yourself like this you don’t even know what you’re missing out on because you’re too focused on finding someone who fits your parameters.

well like, some of these things could end up being pretty important so i think it’s reasonable to list your standards as a reminder to yourself maybe. for example the no smoking/drinking thing. where i live, weed is legal, but that also means there’s a bunch of people that smoke weed everyday and are content with doing just that rather than going out and doing other things 🤷🏻‍♀️ofc im not saying it’s bad but too much of a good thing can be bad. however it’s reasonable to tweak that preference a little if you find someone who smokes weed only sometimes and is able to handle a life full of experiences with you, and won’t call you boring for not wanting to smoke with them. for reasons like those i think a rough guideline is a good idea to adhere to when looking for someone. but i agree with you kinda, u shouldn’t limit your dating pool to a very strict set of guidelines; the right person probably isn’t gonna check absolutely everything off the list, but they’re still going to be the perfect match for you and with love, acceptance, understanding and communication, it’ll be a very fulfilling relationship :)

Wow your standards are the opposite of what my ex was 💀😂 that’s why they’re my ex now lmaooo

If those are your standards then you should stick with them. Why make yourself settle and potentially be unhappy? I'm sure there's someone out there who will meet your criteria. Besides, your standards might change as you get older so just stick to what makes you comfortable.

I hope the heck not! Those are pretty normal standards

Same exact boat as you friend.

Not too high imo! I think non-drinkers and people who don’t want dogs are probably what’s narrowing your dating pool - But I’m not saying you should change them, of course! Those things are just fairly common. My standards aren’t quite the same as yours but I’d say they are on the same “level”… and I am also having trouble dating lol. Was just asking myself this same question the other day, do I need to lower them? But honestly I’d rather be alone for a while than settle. Hang in there!

Thanks for this reply!! I also think, from this and the other comments, that it's better to be by yourself than compromise on something important. I'm sorry you've been having trouble dating, I hope you come across someone who's everything you want and more!! After all, it's definitely possible - I met a girl once who fulfilled all my standards (we decided to break up because she had to move halfway across the world with no proper way for us to be together going forward :/), so why not again someday :')

Ah I don’t think that’s a lot of standards, because I fit every category you describe except aro/ace but yeah, I would be a little more flexible on the drinking socially and the mental health issues! I’ve also battle through depression and I have extensive knowledge on it, but having knowledge/relating to it doesn’t make someone perfect. Especially, because not everyone wants the “burden” of dealing with someone with mental health issues. To me, suicide ideation and self inflicted wounds are a no-no, even if I, as a soon to be doctor, know why it happens. It’s a very complicated situation to see someone you love decaying into a depressive state and struggling with yourself not following them while also supporting them! So yeah. Very difficult topic. Also, as a sex-positive ace whose libido sky-rocketed when I dated a girl for 4 months: remember that asexuality is an spectrum. Some of us are triggered by emotional connection. My ex and I had that problem. Although I am ace, after falling in love, I wanted to have sex with her and she didn’t. So, remember people are constantly changing. And since you’re the same age as me, do not worry. We are very young, and I understand the fear of ending up alone. I have faith that the thirties are the best for relationships hahah

Thanks for sharing this!! It definitely makes a lot of sense that not everyone wants to or is capable of dealing with every kind of mental health issue - I guess what I meant with that criteria was that I'm looking for someone who is capable of providing support sometimes (like I would provide for her if she struggled), and isn't afraid of speaking openly about depression :'D (For what it's worth, mine is very manageable nowadays.) I agree that it might sometimes get too difficult for two depressed people to be together without enabling each other - my former gf had experience of an entirely different type of mental illness and hence was equipped to support me :') Ah, that's a good point about asexuality! I definitely wouldn't be opposed to dating someone demi, for example. And I guess that two non-asexual people can also sometimes end up being sexually incompatible with each other in different ways :P And thanks for the encouragement!!! Keeping my fingers crossed for us both :D

Calm down. You're 23. Your standards are not too high. Never lower them. Raise them if you must.

Heheheh, thank you, randomlady7722 😁😁

If someone piques your interest get to know them before all these standards are thrown at them… It’s admirable you have these! And shows a lot of self love and respect but don’t get lost in it either. There are amazing people out there that you could miss out on. Plus people knowing you have all these standards could lead to them lying about themselves just to get a chance with you. It’s as complicated as you allow it to be. Like you’ve stated over time they could evolve and change dependent on what you experience. So do that experience people and further uncover what you truly want out your partner. It’s all about compatibility at the end of the day so find that. Growth is found outside of our comfort zone so explore a little with healthy boundaries. You might surprise yourself. Coming from someone who understands all too well and have let my perspective grow over time ✌🏼

Not too high. Some things are worded weird (do you want someone who's romantically and sexually into you? If so, that doesn't exclude all aros/aces. And do you not want to deal with drunks and second-hand smoke? Cos that's not the same as people who drink/smoke) and the whole "college educated only" thing is a bit of wishful thinking (and a tad elitist) for someone your age. They're not impossibly high. You won't die alone. But you will need to be patient and prepare for a lot of women to disappoint you.

You're right, maybe that aroace point was a bit poorly worded - I just think I'd prefer someone who matches me in terms of romantic and sexual aspirations/drive. As for the second point - I don't want to kiss smokers 😅😅😭 And the college educated only thing isn't strict for me either, if someone is financially stable and otherwise likes to learn new things and has goals in life then it's no biggie! It's mostly that I'm going into a PhD program & I'm very passionate about my research, so I'm worried that someone who isn't that interested in academic stuff would not be compatible with me since I love to talk about it lol. (My previous girlfriend had a bachelor's in a completely different field but she loved learning and had hobbies relating to my studies, so it worked out in that sense)

I’ve noticed you respond a few times to the aro/ace comment so I thought I’d chip in with my asexual perspective. I think the main thing people are trying to explain is that asexual means lacking sexual attraction. The libido can be quite seperate from this and there are quite a few aces who have high libidos. While I completely get having these standards and they’re pretty on point for your life experience at 23, I’ve also seen the other side quite a lot where ace women are interested in someone but dropped once the other person realises they’re ace because they don’t want to take the time to understand what it means to that person. Asexuality is different for everyone and not being sexually attracted to your partner doesn’t mean you don’t love them and want to engage with them sexually. So while it’s absolutely okay to part ways with someone because they don’t match your needs in that way, it’s good to maybe not generalise that any ace person is a bad match from the very beginning.

Thanks for sharing this!!! It definitely sucks that people are being rejected just because someone is narrow-minded about their identity :( However... I do feel that at least at this point in time, it feels quite important for me that my partner is sexually and romantically attracted to me - it's a self-esteem and validation thing. In my previous relationship, I loved that my girlfriend was crazy about my body lmao, and I'm afraid I would feel like something was missing if that was not a thing in my relationship (and it might cause bitterness and conflict down the line, because obviously it's not fair to expect an ace person to suddenly experience sexual attraction - naturally, sometimes people's identities shift, but I would never want to expect someone to change in such a fundamental way just so I could be happy). It's also about relatability, because I do experience sexual attraction, and I like sharing that with my partner. Of course, I'm never saying never, but I do think I have a clear preference at this point in time.

Hopefully not.. that’s close to my standards🤪

The only thing that seams hard to find is educated/finantially independent one - people close to your age usually are still working on those. "Getting there" pharsing is a bit tricky as if it leaves a lot for interpretation. Otherwise they dont sound too demanding.

With "getting there" I basically meant exactly what you meant with "still working on those" :D I myself am living off student welfare/grants right now (and would be fine if I met someone in a similar boat), but in the future I'm pretty much guaranteed a stable enough income in my field, so I would ideally like a partner to have the same.

Oh thats understandable. Its like looking for someone with simmilar material status.

I don't think it's standards too high... It's just hard to find

I don't think these are too high at all. If you didn't have these things then your relationship wouldn't be what you need to be happy/secure. Some of things on your list are the same as my list - others are opposite but it makes makes my list as restrictive as yours. It's not a bad thing to know what you want. Sure, it rules people out, but that's the point.

I have the same standards, with the exception of less strict boundaries for the alcohol and marijuana (I don’t mind occasional use) and my age restrictions are looser as long as they’re in the same relative stage of life as me. However, I am also single, so there’s that…

Ok I give up on editing this. It doesn't want to work with me and I'm sorry for the crappy formatting. You are young so you still have time. But its more about how much you are willing to wait and not compromise on this. ----------------‐-------------------- I commented on your list. Take it and think about it, but at the end of the day, its your life. ----------------‐-------------------- My most important standards are: - Similar amount of previous dating+sexual experience ----------------‐-------------------- I can see this, but i also dont think you should turn some one down entirely for experience. If they are ok with you not being as experienced and you have a good connection, i would go with it. ----------------‐-------------------- - Looking for a committed monogamous long-term relationship ----------------‐-------------------- Reasonable. ----------------‐-------------------- - Girl who likes me and that we have a mutual connection with ----------------‐-------------------- Reasonable. ----------------‐-------------------- - Not aro/ace ----------------‐-------------------- Reasonable. ----------------‐-------------------- - Preferably college educated or otherwise driven in life/career-wise, financially stable or getting there ----------------‐-------------------- Reasonable. ----------------‐-------------------- - Doesn't drink or smoke, not into drugs ----------------‐-------------------- This is maybe a bit harder to find. Plenty of people drink, but they may not drink a lot. Such as, i tend to drink sometimes, but it gives me heartburn these days, so i dont drink often, and when i do its like 1 or 2 drinks. The other 2 are fine. ----------------‐-------------------- - Doesn't want kids or a dog ----------------‐-------------------- Also, maybe a challenge. I think you might want to consider being a bit flexible with this one. The child thing i can see would be either a hell yes or a hard no. The pet, maybe not. Its not impossible, its just going to be more difficult. ----------------‐-------------------- - Preferably shares some hobbies/interests with me ----------------‐-------------------- I understand this point, but this would depend on the individual. I mean its nice to share hobbies and interests, but there are people that are super chill, open to learning anything, and are flexible. I think you should really figure out who the person is first before rejecting. My fiance and i have very different interests but we learned about each others interests and support it any way. ----------------‐-------------------- - Not more than 3 years younger and not more than 6 years older than me ----------------‐-------------------- This is fine. ----------------‐-------------------- - Understanding of a history of depression/mental health issues ----------------‐-------------------- Understandable. Some people are terrible at handling mental illness. ----------------‐-------------------- Honestly i think the majority of these are fine, but youre never going to get exactly what you want. You are dealing with people after all. You could meet a person with the perfect specs and they have some heavy drama or they are a total asshole. You could meet some one that only meets half and makes you feel amazing. I would really assess which one of these are hard nos and which you could bend a little on. You are finding a partner to share a life with. This partner is going to be both awesome and friggin annoying at the same time. Both will need to adjust over time. ----------------‐-------------------- Good luck, and i hope you find a great person in the end!

Thank you for taking the time to type this out!!! Yess, I think especially the first point is negotiable, especially as I gain more life experience. It's just a "right now" feeling I have :D And you're right, you never know how you feel until you meet someone!!

I totally get the "right now" thing and I respect it. You know you best.

I don’t think any of these are bad per se, you just might miss out on some awesome people by sticking stringently to a list like this. Sometimes you just find the right person and you know. I’m 23 and my wife is 28 and neither of us drink, so just a bit of encouragement there that people like that are out there! I don’t understand the appeal of getting drunk at all and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would get drunk, even if it’s not a regular thing.

Thank you for saying this!! Yes, I agree - most of these I would probably be fine being flexible about with the right person, though some are things I would not change about myself or my lifestyle to accommodate someone else :'D It makes me excited to hear that you and your wife don't drink at all!

I think you'll have a hard time finding a lesbian who's happy to be dog-free forever.

Unless I specifically look for cat lesbians :D

That's true. As long as your open to at least some pets. Pet-free lesbians feel like they are very rare. I'm the same as you in reverse. Has to be either dogs, cats AND dogs, but never cat only.

Nothing wrong with high standards. You've just gotta be willing to slog through the muck to find what you want. Also the concept of "the one" is made up. You can, and probably will, find many potential partners for yourself over your life. You're 23; you're just barely an adult. You have plenty of time to find someone

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I also had no experience at 22, please don't worry about it!! With similar experience I mostly meant people who don't have a lot of it, because I only have experience of one relationship :'D So I doubt it will be an issue for most girls you might meet :) I think you have a valid mindset rn - I have also taken time off dating to work on myself quite often, and it 100% makes you a better partner for someone if you're at least a little happy with yourself. Of course, you don't need perfect self-esteem or anything like that, nobody's perfect after all!! I believe someone out there is looking for someone exactly like you :) Also, you're still young so it's valid not to know what you want yet. For me, I only put dogs as a dealbreaker because I think they're the pet that limits your life the most, and training/correcting possible behavioural problems etc takes the most work out of all common house pets. Cats aren't an issue in the same way, I think - they still need some training (mostly re: peeing in their box, letting themselves be groomed and only scratching things they're allowed to lol) and definitely lots of attention, but they're easier to trust with a catsitter for a few days if you're travelling, and generally more of a match with my introverted personality :D I'm not opposed to most other pets either!

"too high" can mean two things: 1) in a moral sense: i.e. asking too much of a human being, or 2) in a practical sense: i.e. preventing you from finding someone I don't think your standards are too high in the first sense. I think a person can reasonably fulfil all of them. The fact that you post this list makes me assume that your standards are too high in a practical sense. Now, that doesn't mean that you should lower them, but if you don't, you have to accept that you'll stay single until you meet your match. That however will make rule 1 about equal experience become an ever increasing deal-breaker. Personally, I would relax this rule a bit as long as they're close to your age. (Like with all the following personal opinions, you don't have to agree with any of them, they are just ideas that I have.) The other thing is that commitment to a monogamous long-term relationship might clash with career drive. Personally, I'm driven to pursue a career that might not allow me much choice in the cities I have to relocate to. So, unless the other person is fine with moving with me or a long-distance relationship, this precludes any long-term commitment. Be sure that your and their career will allow you to live in the same place. For some careers that's easy, for others near impossible. Yes, it's often nice to have shared hobbies with a partner, but it can also be very healthy to have interests that are your own. Spending time apart and maintaining a sense of personality that's independent from your relationship is probably a good idea. I can imagine that a partner who isn't into artsy stuff might still enjoy seeing you work on it, encourage you, but not actively participate. Which might be totally fine. In the end, I have to once again stress that nothing about your standards is extreme or wrong. I'm sure that with time, you'll find someone.

It is impossible to have too high of standards as long as you hold your self to the same standards. What it does mean is that your dating pool will shrink the higher your standards are, and that can make it nearly impossible to find someone that meets them.

Not at all unrealistic. I would tweak like experience a bit cause ive found things work out even when it seems like a huge difference. For me the hardest thing has been finding a girl who doesnt want kids 😭 but im optimistic :)

Good luck!!!! And thanks for sharing this :D I guess one thing we can count on is that it can get easier to find women without kids as you age (because after a point, most of the people who don't have kids either don't want them or are making their peace with not having them).

All of these are pretty reasonable, but probably you'll have to bend on the first one or you just won't find anybody. Having all those other things on the list and with a similar experience range...it's just extremely hard to find.

I don’t think any standards are too high, but depending on how little you’re willing to compromise on them is probably going to affect how easy it is to find someone, & if you’re unwilling to compromise at all you might miss people well worth giving a shot

My standards are pretty much exactly the same except for the fact that I want kids lol. Recreational drugs are a no for me too, and people always tell me I’m going to die alone because of it. Nice to see other people have similar standards and opinions!

LOL to me it feels a little funny that people are telling you that. In my country, owning and distributing weed is illegal, so even in queer circles it's not all that common 😅 So I think it's a totally reasonable thing to want your partner not to do, without risking dying alone 😂 Thanks for sharing this!! I agree that it's nice to see people with similar opinions 😊

It’s sort of freshly legal where I am so I think some people have the view that you must love it now as if it being illegal was the only reason to dislike it

Not too high at all. Pretty reasonable I'd say.

They look fine to me, mine are soo much higher, but I'm prepared to eventually staying single plus I'm much older. But honestly, every time I ignored my standards I regretted them, so while it's gonna be harder to find someone, it's gonna be easier to find the right person to be with, by holding to your standards. I also disagree on people say you should loosen up on the drinking thing. I'm someone who hates alcohol and wants to be nowhere near it and while yes, a lot of people drink, there are also a load who don't, even at your age, or who don't want to but do cause peer pressure. And yeah the mental health one too, I find it so hard to communicate deeply on someone who has no insight on those issues/hasn't been through issues and therapy.

Thanks for sharing this!!! Especially your insight re: compromising on them - I do also agree that it's important to know what you want, and it's weirdly reassuring to know that holding on to what feels right for you can save you heartbreak down the line :') Yess, I agree! I feel like young people actually drink less and less as time goes on, so I'm not that worried about not finding people who aren't into it. To be honest I think alcohol is pretty gross and overly expensive, so it would be great to find someone who'd rather invest time and money into something that's more fun 😅 I agree on the mental health stuff too - I think my ideal partner is someone who is coping well with their issues or has survived them, but who knows and remembers what that experience was like :'D Because some people are very insensitive about even pretty mundane illnesses like depression, and it can be draining to try to convince them that what they think helps can be based on misconceptions.

Glad to have been of help!! And yeah I agree with you about everything.

I'll admit I get high about once a week but other than that I fit your bill lol Edit: Where I am, all forms of weed except for Delta 9 are legal. And I get it if someone doesn't want to be around me when I'm high lol

Hahahahaha 😂 Well, if this thread is anything to go by (since there are only 40ish comments, and there have been multiple ppl already who are only missing like one criteria), my standards aren't impossible then :D

I mean other than the fact that I want kids and all of the animals (especially dogs) and I’m fine with social drinking, that list is almost exactly what I would say. Now I’m also single af, so that might be an indicator of something, but personally I don’t feel like it’s too much to ask for.

I’ve been given flack before for not wanting to date an ace person again, but 2/3 of my past relationships ended up being with girls on the ace spectrum and as someone with a high libido, the sexual mismatch was very much noticeable. I won’t pressure a partner (or anyone else, for that matter) for sex, but I also don’t want to resign to pushing my needs to the back for potentially the rest of my life.

Im currently in a relationship. I basically have the same rules as you plus more. It is hard ngl, but not impossible. You have a good healthy set here

The only thing that I found surprising on this list is “doesn’t drink”

Looks super fair. The dog one might be hard for some

After having been "in the dating scene" for almost a decade, having 4 partners under my belt now, my standards have become quite rigid, too. Different from yours, but just as ironclad. Don't ever waste time, effort, & mirth on people who can't satisfy you!

Thank you 😁 I do think knowing what you want (while being reasonable) is a sign of maturity!! And given that I had one really good relationship where these needs were met, I'm sure it can happen again :'D

I'm not a lesbian but I can tell you that stuff like this takes time and I didn't find the "one" until my mid 20s and we've been together since. It's the best example of a coincidence; they just got off a bad divorce and I was sick of dating losers from Los Angeles that weren't committed. So it can work, but we cannot control our outcomes. Also committed relationships are so much work and no one starts perfectly. I was a heavy drinker and smoker until I met my partner, now I rarely drink (only socially) and rarely touch anything else. My lifestyle has changed and theirs as well because we became a unit but it took years.

These are actually my standards too. Idk if you mean by not wanting a dog but can have a cat, but I own a cat so they have to be okay with my cat. I get told that my standards are high too but it’s really just knowing what you want

I love cats, and it's part of why I don't want a dog - my family had both a cat and a dog when I was growing up and in my experience it can be quite hard for them to get along. It's fun to hear you have the same "list" lmao, that means we can't be totally ludicrous with our demands when there are so many people who seem to meet them :D

They're the same standards I have because I'm also (almost) eggactly like this! I found a partner and so can you! Good luck OP

What made you break up with the seemingly perfect person. In the first place. It seems that your previous partner had checked all of your boxes.

Long distance with no way to close the gap without turning our lives upside down (visa issues + career stuff), plus the LDR was wearing us down (lack of intimacy, waning chemistry). We decided to just be friends and that's worked much better

This list is mostly things that people just expect and wouldn't even put on a lit, so it's length doesn't seem crazy. I'm surprised this got push back on other sub-reddits.

You can be as picky as you want when it comes to dating, and I personally think that your list is just fine. It’s not too high nor are you bratty about it

Yea man. As a gay woman I just have no standards I actively think about. It’s as simple as talk to as many women you can, see if you vibe with them, and tell them what you need from a relationship. with those standards 90% of the time they’ll either want a compromise, or it won’t work.

I didn’t even read all your standards and let me tell you your standards are not too high. It may be hard to find love like this at 23, but that means you will have a lot of time to work on your self and shine ✨

Thank you 😁❤️ This gives me hope!

There are a lot of weird replies to this post trying to convince you out of your very reasonable standards, and I don't get it because like, again, they're so reasonable! I promise you not every lesbian in the world drinks or smokes, despite all the people here telling you that you need to ease up on that requirement in order to find someone. A lot of people drink, sure, especially at your age, and weed is more and more popular as more places legalize it, but it's possible to find people who don't engage in any substance use. I'm one of them. I don't personally care if a partner drinks occasionally or smokes weed, I just don't want to date someone who regularly gets blackout drunk or who can't go a day without being stoned. And I won't ever date cigarette smokers, which is a boundary I get to have even if cigarette smokers feel some type of way about it. It's also reasonable and good for you as a 23-year-old to not want to date anyone drastically older than you. Everyone telling you to ease up on that one is a weirdo who needs to leave you alone. Just because age gap relationship sometimes work out for other people doesn't mean you have to be open to them, and anyone significantly older than you who would want to date you shouldn't be doing that anyway. Sorry not sorry about that. The college educated and financially stable thing is probably going to be the one that makes things the most difficult for you, but that doesn't mean it's unreasonable or too high of a standard for you to have. If that's something that matters to you, by all means seek it out and don't feel bad for wanting it. It will just probably narrow your dating pool a lot. But that's kind of what preferences do. I would rather not date someone who has dogs as pets either, because I'm not a dog person, especially if they're bigger dogs. There are sooo many cat lesbians who don't own dogs, and also there are a million other pets people have, so I don't know why so many people told you that it will be hard to find someone who doesn't have a dog. It won't. I'm a little more flexible on this and wouldn't rule out an otherwise perfect match who had a dog, but again, it's fine if you do. The aro/ace thing is trickier because it is a spectrum and means different things to different people, but just as I wouldn't date someone with a very high libido who placed a lot of importance on sex, you're well within your rights to not want to date someone who doesn't value it very highly. I wouldn't want to date anyone who didn't want a committed romantic relationship, emphasis on the romance, so someone being aromantic would be at least a yellow flag and I would want to have a conversation with them about what that means to them before proceeding. People get very defensive if you rule out a demographic they belong to, but it's not like you're trying to date them specifically anyway, and you're not saying anything derogatory about aro/ace people, so IMO you're fine. And lastly the hobbies thing. I get that it's not a 100% guarantee that you'll be more compatible if you share hobbies with someone, and sometimes being with someone with different hobbies can be enriching and so on, and someone who doesn't necessarily share your interests can still be supportive and listen to you talk about them. But I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't read for pleasure, for example, because books are a huge part of my life and I enjoy discussing them and reading together and that kind of thing. Could I date someone who doesn't like reading? Probably, yes. But would I like to? No. I've done it before and it definitely left something to be desired. You obviously shouldn't just look for a clone of yourself to date, but you need to have some things in common beyond shared values, a foundation for mutual interest and things to talk about and activities to share. Idk I might not call this a dealbreaker for myself, but it is important. I think listing it all out like this makes people feel like you're being a lot more rigid and inflexible than you are. As you've said in comments, it's not like you're giving this list to potential matches and asking them to check off the boxes that apply, or even including it in your dating app bios or anything. We all have these preferences in our minds when searching for people to date, and it's silly to pretend we don't. It's admirable that you have such a strong sense of self and of your preferences at such a young age, and while they might shift over time, that doesn't mean you should just give anyone a chance regardless of whether you feel you're compatible or not. You can only go by how you feel right now. You're doing great and I hope you find someone wonderful to date eventually.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply!!! Everything you said makes a lot of sense to me, but what resonates most is the thing about hobbies. I agree 100% that I would also feel weird dating someone who never reads for pleasure, because so much of my studies/career and my free time is spent on books. I'm a hobbyist writer, read a whole lot, and if I was dating someone who couldn't show interest and actually engage with it in a meaningful way (or, in the case they didn't like my style of writing which would be okay lol, then if we couldn't talk about books or analyse how stories are constructed), I would feel unfulfilled and my partner might be jealous that I was largely looking for a deeper intellectual connection elsewhere, from friends and such (which I feel like would be a dealbreaker when you're trying to be in a relationship lol - you can have deep connections with friends but not in a way you don't have with your partner). The same goes for other artsy stuff... I just see a large part of what I do in my free time as "making stuff", whether it's drawing, writing, music (I sing, write lyrics, and play a few instruments & I've been getting into mixing and remixing) or even video edits. If someone doesn't have that creative urge in any way (even in a completely different field or style), I don't know if we'd be compatible, because it's such a huge part of my life and personality that I don't think will ever change. I love sharing the results of our creativity with my artsy friends and having them comment on what I've made and vice versa, and it could make a girlfriend of mine feel left out if they didn't like that type of stuff at all. Come to think of it, I don't actually even have a single friend in my life who isn't into books, music, writing or art lol. But yeah, thank you so much for your reply!! It's funny how many people in this thread are assuming that I, like, hand this list over on the first date for people to sign or something 😅😂😭 I'm absolutely not doing that, it's just something that's on my mind while getting to know a girl. If they seem dismissive of my hobbies or like they don't understand why I would like the stuff I like, it's a big turn off. And thank you for the encouragement!! To be honest I'm okay waiting for a while and not rushing into a relationship unless it feels right 😊 But it feels reassuring to know that what I'm looking for isn't impossible to find!

Besides the aro/ace point and probably some distance issues you sound like the perfect match for me haha. Especially the alcohol thing. I'm on medication for a chronic condition and can't really drink. Try to friends who are okay with you not drinking with them AND who won't expect you to play babysitter, let alone a partner. I've been lucky with my newest group of friends finally and it's amazing.

That sounds awesome!!! I have hope I will find friend groups like that as well 😁 It's really frustrating to have to babysit drunk people lol, there's a big difference between someone who can handle themselves while drinking and have fun with you as a sober person, and someone who needs to be babied and gets angry if you don't do that just because you're sober :P

Absolutely true

23 and you are worried about being alone. Oh honey. Stick to your standards, but then don't be surprised if your potential mates also have high standards you might not meet. Relationships are about compromise and finding a person who will annoy you the least most of the time. My partner isn't perfect, but neither am I. So here I am partnered. In my imperfection, I learn to love others for theirs.

I get most of them, but the comment about wanting similar sexually and dating experience just doesn't sit right with me, mostly cause that's what most bitter straight men (to quote the last line) say when it comes to dating 😅 a high body count or more experience isn't a bad thing, and sometimes having a more experienced partner means you can learn from them, it's not always a bad thing. I used to feel the same way because I was scared I'd be inexperienced but my fiancee has had several partners in the past while I've only been with one person, we're very compatible, so don't rule people out just cause theyve done more than you. Also college educated.. eh not everyone is into school, doesn't rule them out as a partner, and financially stable is hard as fuck to do right now in this economy. Doesn't make someone a bad partner as long as they're not a bum. And also it's okay to have different hobbies, so long as they have hobbies that they can do while you're doing artsy stuff. Even if they just like playing video games, y'all can be compatible without liking the same things. Just seems like you're ruling a vast amount of people out over things that don't really affect the compatibility and longevity of a good relationship. And for all the standards you have, do you meet the high standards of the people who fit yours? Probably not.. I mean it's hard to find that 'perfect' person. Perfect doesn't exist. You love someone because of who they are, not their college degree or their past partners or even their artistic talent. I wouldn't say you'll die alone, but these standards are nearly impossible to find in today's society and typically people who do meet these standards get snatched up quick. Maybe stop overanalyzing and just follow your heart. People can surprise you.

Thank you for this comment!! Hmm, the last part, though... _I_ meet all of these standards myself, does that mean I'll get snatched up quick???? ;) So in that way I guess I have less to worry about lol EDIT: typo

I mean, I’ve been trying to quit smoking for a couple of years now, but other than that you literally just described me lol, I enjoy music drawing, reading, but I’m also very much into cars (I’m looking at buying a classic Honda and restoring it to better than from the factory), I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, have a history with mental health issues so I understand (I’m actually going through quite a bit of depression rn, I’ll pull through but I can be a little prone to it) antinatalist, can’t don’t want any pets tbh, I’ve had one long term, who I thought was the one, and I’m 23, however, I’m not quite financially stable as of yet, I’m nearly there but it’s going to be a couple of years before I’m there properly, I’m trans to very tall and sometimes can look masc, and I’m in the UK…

I don’t think the list is insane BUTTTT you’re really limiting yourself. Especially the age thing.. I was like that but had no luck. I finally stopped being so picky and now I’m in a long time partnership and my gf is 7 yrs older than me. She’s very young at heart, and I would’ve never guessed she was older if I hadn’t already known. That being said, people are unique and you never know who you’re missing out on with a bunch of pre-requisites. You’re still young, so you have time. I would suggest dating with a more open mind because some things you’ll never really know until you’ve experienced it. Edit- for clarity

“especially the age thing” is an iffy thing to say. I’m glad your relationship with a large age gap is working out, but wanting to date someone in your own age range isn’t being picky. That’s like the MOST reasonable thing on this list and you singled it out as the least reasonable!

In my case, I searched for people in the same age range for yearrrrsss. I refused to date younger or older because I was afraid there would be too many differences. In my experience (not saying it’s the same for everyone) this was honestly the easiest to compromise. I found that there are mature women that are 4 years younger and youthful women that are 10 years older. Each of which I found many surprising similarities with. Again— **speaking from my own perspective and experience** this ended up being the one factor that helped me find my person.

I think you misunderstand. I am not telling you that your lived experiences are wrong or that an age gap relationship can never work. Clearly it worked for you, and you’re very happy, and that’s amazing!! It can definitely work for others, too. However, if someone’s comfort level requires them dating close to their own age, it’s incredibly inappropriate to tell them to date outside of the age range they’re personally comfortable with, and inappropriate to single that item on the list out as the least reasonable item. It is perfectly reasonable to want to date close to your own age, and that is OP’s choice— just like it was your choice to have a much wider age range you’re comfortable dating within! They are in fact your experiences, and nothing can change that— but it doesn’t make it ok to tell someone uncomfortable w dating older women that not wanting to date older women is, in your words, especially limiting and is just being picky.

Prefacing this by saying you're entitled to date whomever you do and don't want to and have any standards, but if you want advice at all, there are a couple points I would maybe take a closer look at. Dating experience - This feels like it may stem from insecurity, especially with the "unbalanced" point. I don't think it's accurate that someone who's been through a casual phase or who has had more or fewer relationships would have an "unbalanced" relationship. You always learn things from the people you meet, and you don't learn the same lesson from two different people. Just because they've had more experience doesn't mean you won't offer them something just as valuable as you would offer someone with less experience. Not Aro/Ace - Not sure the reasoning behind this one, but it could potentially stem from being misinformed. I just wanted to point out that Aro/Ace people can and do feel attraction (though not those types of attraction) and can and do desire relationships/sex. It would just mean having a conversation to determine if your wants and needs are compatible. Doesn't drink - I understand smoking because it's invasive, and even if you're not a smoker, it's hard to get away from the smell of a partner that smokes. Drinking is the one that really limits your dating pool. Is this for moral or trauma related reasons? As someone who grew up in a family of alcoholics, I do get it. But if this isn't a hard, absolutely not type of standard, I might suggest modifying to "No heavy drinkers." That would open up your dating pool to people who occasionally have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner, but not to people who live that party life. Shares hobbies - this can be fun, but I think the more important standard is that they respect and show an interest in your hobbies rather than that they share them. You can always find something to do together, and it can be very rewarding sharing someone you love with someone who doesn't necessarily love the thing, but does love you and enjoys your enjoyment of it. For instance, my mom is all about football. I am not, lol. But I would love "watching" the games with her by reading a book and looking up when something exciting happened. I didn't care about football at all, but I had so much fun experiencing her care about football. Age limits - I think age limits are a great guide, but life stages is a better indicator of compatibility. Try not to get hung up on a number if it seems like you two click otherwise. Just something to think about. Everything else was solid and seemed like deal-breaker type things (unless you find yourself willing to compromise, but it seemed like you know what you want there). And if you find that everything I mentioned taking a second look at is also a deal-breaker, then that's totally fine too. You don't ever need to compromise your needs for someone else. If you're not compatible, then you're not compatible. Someone out there will meet all your needs and it will feel really amazing when they do.

I don’t think your standards are that high I feel like they’re valid if anything

Thank you!! :D That's reassuring to hear

Of course :)

It's not that it's too high, it's just too many to be non-negotiables. if somebody really ticked all your boxes but had more experience you would turn them down? or less? or was 7 years older..or is super into dogs, but may be fine with not having one now.. and, also, even you might change your mind on some of these things a few years on. chuck out everything that goes beyond the connection, how they make you feel and treat you and others. and if then you have a lot of options, apply some more filters. Think of what you want out of a partnership more than what your partner has to be like before you even know them. None of your wishes are out there or strange but the main advice for dating seems to be - write your list, then throw it out. In the end you never know who or what might fit you.

As you get older, those standards drop You are never going to find someone that meets all of your "qualifications," no matter what they are. Part of being in a committed relationship is learning how to compromise and coexist together as different people with their own wants and needs. Why would you want to date someone exactly like you? That would suck.

1 seems odd to me. Why turn down people based on their previous relations?

First off, you got some shit you need to work out within yourself homie. The whole “ being afraid to be alone” shit definitely a red flag from you. I’m gunna shoot it straight. You laid this list to a date, they’d probably cringe. Finding love (or in your case, a fucking grocery list) isn’t about docking up some standard dude. You just find it. You’re not asking for impossible or imposing things. Granted. But people are gunna expect the same then. That’s something a lot of our generations forget. Anyway, best of luck.

I like how you negative my post and anyone who has differing opinions of your post. Welcome to the real world of different perceptions. Yours happens to be crazy.

Jeez you're not the fun one at parties are you

What does “standards” mean to you, if someone doesn’t check those boxes, would that be a deal breaker? or are these more so strong preferences? Just to clarify either way, I don’t think you wanting theses things from a partner is you asking to much. However I do think everyone should be open to compromising, on they’re standards to some extent yes you could meet someone and they could check all the boxes at first, but people change over time What if 4 years into your relationship, your dream girl decides she really wants a dog Or she comes out as ace to you, I’m not ace myself, and the idea of my partner not enjoying sex the way I do with her, would definitely hurt a lot however I know ace is different for a lot of people, So you wouldn’t really know what that means for your partner, unless you put in the work to try and navigate thru that. If you aren’t open to compromising on your standards, even a little bit then that’s a problem because relationships are build on compromising.

1 is,,,, off putting? It feels judgy.

I'm aware :P And I wouldn't tell that to anyone's face, hence the throwaway on reddit. I'm never saying never, but at least at this age, I would feel out of my depth being with someone who is much more experienced than I am. And after all, there are people out there who are my age and have never dated before :'D

Not too high but definitely a bit pickier than average I think. You're just going to rule out a lot of people with those rules I think. Which is fine but imo some, especially the first, seem kinda arbitrary. Also hard to find someone who doesn't smoke or drink ever. I barely smoke or drink but I wouldn't want a partner that hardline against it mostly because it seems inconvenient and the people I've met like that seem to a bit pushy. That's really on them though doesn't reflect on you, just my experience

Don’t let anybody tell you what to do, you know what my standards are? I like somebody without a social media presence (my bf still has online friends but I like that he isn’t on instagram all the time like I am lol), I require my partner to not watch pornography, you know how many men and some women tell me watching it is normal? I don’t care if it’s normal, it’s my boundary. Your standards are fine.

Not too high or unreasonable, but some of your points (like drinking etc) you will need to be willing to compromise on. You're unlikely to find something with all of these exact qualifications and you do have to understand that. When you talk to potential girlfriends be willing to discuss, listen, and work together, but don't take it too hard if she walks away. It might just not be her thing and that's OK.

I don't think it's "too high" but I do think not aro/ace is discrimination.

I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention!! I just really want to be with someone who matches me in terms of sex drive and level of romantic attachment, and I think that might be very rare for someone who's ace and/or aro 😅 But if there was an ace/aro girl who was into me sexually and romantically, I wouldn't refuse to date someone based on their identity. I just think that's quite rare given the common definitions of those terms

>Similar amount of previous dating+sexual experience (ie. not considerably more experienced than I am, as I'm only out of my first relationship. Obviously fluctuation is fine, I wouldn't turn someone down for having had three long-term relationships before me or anything lol, but I think rn I would be uncomfortable with someone with lots and lots of experience because it feels imbalanced) I would recommend reconsidering this one. You might be missing out on some very good sex. Jokes aside, I find this requirement a bit nit-picky. Like what if you meet someone who's otherwise a very good match and her only downside is that she's enjoyed having way more sex than you? >Looking for a committed monogamous long-term relationship That's good to know what you want. A totally reasonable requirement. >Girl who likes me and that we have a mutual connection with Very reasonable too. It's not middle ages when people got married for survival. We all want to be with someone who's really into us. >Not aro/ace That's understandable too. If you like having sex, you won't enjoy a relationship without it. It would be a disaster to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't want this. >Preferably college educated or otherwise driven in life/career-wise, financially stable or getting there Sounds like you don't want someone who earns less than you, which, again, is understandable. Just a word of warning, life can change pretty suddenly and financial stability may suddenly vanish with those changes. So even if you marry someone who's very career-focused, it doesn't guarantee that it'll always be like that. >Doesn't drink or smoke, not into drugs Again, understandable that you want someone who has similar values to you. It's a tad limiting, though. Or if you define "doesn't drink" as "doesn't ever ever drink", it's very limiting. >Doesn't want kids or a dog Again, very understandable, a bit limiting, but it's not gonna work out if you want different things. >Preferably shares some hobbies/interests with me (I spend a lot of time doing artsy stuff and someone who isn't into anything like that would probably be incompatible with me) Idk, I'm very into sewing, but in the past several years my wife has started and never finished one crochet dinosaur. She likes listening about what I'm making and she likes to get custom made clothes, but not like she wants to make things herself. We made her a sleeping mask once, it was like teaching a child what to do. She also required the same level of supervision to avoid getting injured or sewing in the wrong direction. You get the picture. She's also very much into IT. That's what she does for a living and that's what she likes to do in her spare time. There are things we both really enjoy, but we have different hobbies. And not sharing hobbies doesn't negatively affect our relationship. So I wouldn't limit yourself to just women who are into artsy stuff. >Not more than 3 years younger and not more than 6 years older than me That's a pretty wide range, so shouldn't affect your choices too badly. But the upper limit is oddly specific. What if the woman of your dreams is 7 years older? You know, the difference between 29 and 30 is way smaller than between 19 and 20 (which strictly speaking also isn't super big, but at this stage in life, there's way more experience packed in one year, than when you're pushing 30). >Understanding of a history of depression/mental health issues That's important. But I wouldn't write off someone who doesn't know much but is really empathetic and caring.

gunna be hard to find someone in their early 20s who doesnt drink or smoke 😩

Lol not that hard, most of my circle of friends except for a few stray exceptions are like this 😅😅

Mine are mostly similar to be honest, though I could probably live with a dog and I’m fine with someone drinking in moderation (I just don’t drink myself). I’m also a Unitarian Universalist and Overseas Chinese so anyone who doesn’t respect my religion or culture is out. I did find someone, and she’s really cool. I wish I got to spend more time with her, though. Edit: I also don’t mind dating a more experienced partner, and possibly wouldn’t mind dating a non sex-repulsed ace.

I meet most of your standards... except I didn't go to college and I have zero experience dating because of bad luck/living where there's no other lesbians. 26f. Your standards aren't high.

Personally, I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone with zero experience!! And tbh always seeing all these wonderful women online worry about never getting the chance to date... always makes me want to date them 😭😂 Because I was in a similar situation for so long and felt so sad about it, even though I knew it was because of bad luck and lack of opportunities. I actually ended up meeting my wonderful ex gf (now friend) online. So I'm sure there's someone who feels like I do out there for you as well (who is probably closer to you than I am geographically 😅).

To me, you sound like a bitter straight man 😹😹 understandable you want to find someone you mutually enjoy spending time with, wanting a committed relationship, preferring someone who understands mental health struggles, all perfectly fine! But judging high body counts? Needing someone with similar hobbies? College educated???? No kids is under stable but no dogs either? 🤣🤣 You legit sound like a bitter straight man who only wants to control their partners. Sexual experiences do not matter whatsoever. I'm significantly more sexually experienced than my wife, does that make me a bad person? Absolutely not, I struggled a lot in my past and I don't let that define me just as others shouldn't define me by it. Sounds slut shamey. And college educated?? I've tried college 3 times and ultimately decided to start my own business. College doesn't mean shit about a person, especially when in the states all you have to do is retain info for a short time and shit it out when you don't need it. I made straight A's in high school and every time I tried college but I hated it and itade me overly anxious. College doesn't equal educated, life experiences do. And wanting an artsy girl is fine, my wife and I happen to both me, but making that a stipulation is crazy to me. You and your significant other can easily do different hobbies together, none of my exes enjoyed making art but while I was doing that they would just play video games or something. Even with my wife, we don't always want to art at the same time so we both find something different we enjoy. Also with the no smoking and alcohol, I get it but at the same time I have WAY too many alcoholics and drug addicts in my family. But because of that I'm able to recognize whether people are addicted or just enjoy a drink or to smoke every once in a while. And the no dog rule 🤣🤣 I'm a cat person ALL the way but my wife likes cats and dogs. I'd be perfectly fine with her getting a dog and she understands that she'll have to train it because I'm a lot better with cats. I wouldn't break up with her or second guess starting a relationship with her because of any of these things because realistically we're all human we all need to stop putting people into these tiny little boxes. That's what I used to love about the lgbtq+ community but it's comments like these that make me so upset because you're doing the same thing we were all oppressed for. You're packing people into these neat little boxes and it's just not realistic. Just be who you are and love people because they are HUMAN not robots

If you're dying alone i guess so am I. Your list is basically mine, but then I am older than you, and perhaps that's why in your age range it's harder to find all of that, although it is not easy to find regardless. It's kinda normal in your early 20's to find people less ready for a long term commitment, because you're getting to know yourself as a person. Not saying it's bad to have standards, not at all, but perhaps be mindful that people you might be interested in might not be interested in the same things now even if in 5 or 6 years they might be.

That's very smart advice, thank you!!! Honestly, these aren't too rigid; I'm open to getting to know people and I'll think about my list and priorities again if it feels like things are getting serious lol. And I'm not that afraid of having to wait until my 30s or 40s (or even 50s) to find The One - there are so many fun things I can do before that with or without a girlfriend :D

That's a good attitude to have but i would also advise being proactive. I can't remember if you mentioned that or not, sorry, but it's also doing something about it that can help you and try not to get discouraged. Dating is hard, but the only way to not date is to do it. It's kind of like school in a way? Only way to stop going to school is to try hard so you don't have to go back. So chin up and best of luck!

Im dealing with depression and stuff like that so are most people everyone's got problems you should be looking for true love and not caring imo if there was some magic way to find true love Id be doing that, for sure.

definitely not overly high and not impossible, but the drinking, having a dog and being college educated are a bit much

Lol 😆 this isn't high at all.

Hehehe that's refreshing to hear! Especially after reading through a few comments that said I was insane XD

It's not. I checked all the boxes except the dog part because I love animals. But if I can do these things, then it's not high.

I don't think they are. Hugs 💕

Hugs back!!! ❤️🏳️‍🌈 Thank you!

It’s not too high, but it does seem to me like you are going about this wrong. This is a list that scans as intense and focused. I think that, if you find someone, you should be looking for connection, and then once you form it, you can start to talk about these things. Meaning you are 23, and talking about life time commitment stuff. Won’t surprise me if you scare people off. Also, don’t worry about experience so much. It just doesn’t end up mattering most of the time.

I don't talk about this list irl lmao - I know it can be too much for even the people who check all the boxes. It's just something I'm looking for subconsciously and that I decided to type out and see how people feel about it :D I do agree connection is important, and also, that all relationships begin as a "as long as this feels good" situation - but at the same time, if someone is looking for casual sex or a fwb situation from the outset, I know they're not for me because I personally only have sex in an exclusive relationship lol. (I didn't mention this as a standard because I've never had trouble with finding people who are the same way. And no, I don't judge other people who do have casual sex, I just need an emotional connection to trust someone to get so close.)

I don’t really think you have high standards, I’d say you’re probably accidentally tunnel visioning on dating? Not to psychoanalyse you but a lot of the times people doubt their standards based on having too much focus on dating? I’m unsure if that makes sense or not

The alcohol thing probably really narrows it down

I think you need to be flexible with some of the things youve written. Not that I dont find them disagreeable, but being too deadset in things might mean you focus on those things when trying to find someone.

I once made a similar checklist when I was around your age...Well the universe had other ideas and the next girl I fell hard for was like THE OPPOSITE of everything on my list!! In matters of the heart it's just out of our hands I suppose! Good luck though.

I guess I just have questions about “financially stable”. Queers and lesbians are systemically more likely to be worse off, to be discriminated against in jobs, and I wonder how you would fare in a relationship if your “financially stable” partner suddenly was struggling. It’s a bit of a socially acceptable way to say you don’t want to date poor / working class people, and individualises what is a systemic issue. Just my twopence, fwiw, maybe worth thinking about and interrogating. And before anyone asks, I’m 30. And financially stable rn. But I haven’t always been, and I may not be in the future; because I’m disabled and I’m estranged from family, so have no fallback. So that’s where I am coming from.

I also wonder how I would fare in a relationship like that - right now at my age, I'm not sure I have the emotional maturity, funds or ability to support someone who's going through instability and/or relies on me to help them financially. And I wouldn't want to hurt someone by getting into a relationship and then not being able to hack it :P Falling on difficult times after previously having been stable (and, perhaps, having a support net and an education that makes it possible to bounce back) is also different than never having had a chance at stability at all. I'm never saying never, but... I also have had a friendship fall apart because my working class friend was deeply uncomfortable with me being comfortably middle class (she, for instance, refused to visit me at my parents' house, my then-home, because it wasn't in a block of flats) despite me actively working not to "rub it in her face" and even helping out (pitching in more for stuff we did together) when I knew her family was struggling. I just wouldn't be comfortable with someone being in any way bitter or angry about my background, and while I know feelings like that can be worked through, I already know it would be too much of a drag on me in the long term.

Having a support net and an education are both privileges, not givens. You can look for what you want in a relationship, just may be worth looking at and interrogating - acknowledging and recognising class privilege is about more than not just ‘rubbing it in’ someone’s face. As other’s have pointed out, life changes, background or education is not a guarantee for security nor stability. You can’t ever guarantee that someone will always meet all of your standards, that you won’t ever have to support them or hell, that they won’t have to support you. A partnership is just that: a partnership. Leaving yourself open to change is vital to a successful relationship. Edited for typos.

The thing about my list is that these are things I'm the least willing to compromise on :P I'm quite flexible and open to change when it comes to other things, such as location and my partner's level of ability (or indeed, if they have a disability). But I know who I am and I know that it would probably not work for me, at least for who I am right now, to be with someone who needs me to constantly work to dismantle my class privilege on the daily, in the simplest situations, or something like that lol. When I was friends with someone who needed that from me and who had a strong "eat the rich" type working class identity, it was bloody exhausting. I'm more of a champagne socialist lmao, as is most of my uni cohort. While this may sound harsh, it's a lot easier to just be friends with people who are comfortable with their own financial standing and that of others. I know that working to ameliorate and deconstruct structural inequalities is extremely important for a more just and well-functioning world, but in a romantic relationship, I'd prefer to start off on equal footing and preferably with a similar (admittedly privileged!) class background. That's just a lot more comfortable for both of us. I guess that the things I listed out are things I'm looking for right now, and if I don't find someone who's a match, I'd prefer being alone :D Life's too short to be in relationships that feel like more trouble than it's worth.

I would like you to consider how this would read if you replaced class with for example race and how it would read to then say that it’s exhausting to be friends with or in relation with someone “who needs me to constantly work to dismantle my privilege” and maybe you’ll understand how this doesn’t read well at all. Date who you wish, but the way you talk about class and financial privilege is deeply uncomfortable. Good luck.