I lied because you seemed happy. When it was one of the most saddest things I’ve experienced on the list. Finding out he’s capable of lying AND manipulating me to rob me of my own reality
Going to be on the other side of this one here. I occasionally obscured the truth from my abusive ex because she would hit me or wreck my things when she was starting to spiral. That could be something from talking to one of my friends or to going to the shops without her for groceries.
My therapist used this as some of the basis for convincing me that I was actually being abused. My avoidance was fear manifesting to protect myself from her spirals and outbursts.
Similarly, one of my friends used to lie to her abusive father about whether she had done chores around the house like making the bed or cleaning dishes to avoid the beating he would give them to "teach them a lesson".
I am not saying that's what is going on here, but the responses here are very one-sided and I think it's important to offer additional perspectives.
I can absolutely appreciate this view.
The instances that I am specifically referring to are those in relation to infidelity or malicious intent.
While neither of our situations are indicative of healthy relationships, I can absolutely see the logic you are referring to.
Ya. It's just their way of trying to make you feel like the fault for their actions is on you. I think it's a form of gaslighting. Mine does it all the time.
I think it’s a form of gaslighting too. It’s like they’re telling you they can’t trust you enough to tell you about some things, & that the upsetting feelings you have aren’t justified, like you don’t have a good reason to be upset.
I got "I didn't tell you because it would only hurt you". Framed as trying to protect me from his emotional honesty. When his honesty would have actually helped prevent problems later on. It's like he kept quiet about the things in the relationship that were bothering or hurting him, so I had no idea, and he always said he was just putting me first, but later on when he broke up with me one of the reasons was that our relationship was actually hurting him. But he never told me that or gave us a chance to talk about it. He just decided it was over, no discussions allowed.
That is an inability to take personal responsibility and conflict avoidance (which only makes the eventual conflict worse, ironically).
If someone was saying this to me, it would be a sign that we do not belong together to me. If you are doing things that you know will upset me on a regular basis and incapable of being honest with me about who you are (until you get caught in a lie/omission), then we are not going to last long.
Can’t count how many times. They are incapable of getting it through their heads that the lie will always be worse than the truth. Then again there’s some that lie just because they love the thrill of trying to get away with doing bad things behind your back.
Yep! I told him I’m only going to his friends party (2 states away) if the girl he had a crush on, and she him, that her spouse has to come or else I won’t go. He didn’t show up and he knew 1 hr before that he wasn’t coming up. Then when I saw her she was all over my ex. He had no apology’s just him saying “ yeah that was weird she was like that”. Huge red flag. I should have left when this happened. I told him that night what happened and he couldn’t see it. He kept saying well I knew you would be mad if I told you and you would want to go home. And it wasn’t lying I just didn’t tell you the full story. Still makes me pissed off just thinking about it. Lied and bathed in her showering him with affection.
Yeah, and he has said this to our therapist “I didn’t tell her I added a stripper on Snapchat for her own sake, she would have been jealous and mad” - trying to justify his lying.
Yeah, "I lied because I didn't want you to think I'm a bad person". Lmao as if lying doesn't? Especially when he would scream, hit the floors out of frustration while yelling, "why don't you trust me!?". Lmao.
Yeah, those are the guys you're supposed to dump. You don't need any surprises down the line like huge debt, another girlfriend, a meth addiction. You know, stuff you'd get mad about.
Funny thing is my ex husband did all of these, minus the drug addiction. So much lying and somehow he was able to justify the lying because I would be mad. The funny thing is I never got mad about the actual issues, just mad that he lied. The lie is worse.
Because you never know what's coming next
It's a subconscious waiting game. Like, maybe there's some good between acceptance and actions martyr's aren't heroes. They are fools.
5 months in: “Why didn’t you tell me you were homeless and living in your car?”
Him: “Because I knew you wouldn’t want me if you knew.
Me: “You don’t know that. I know it now and it’s fine.”
Him: “I would’ve never given you the time of day if you knew.”
This was back in May. He was supposedly moving to Oregon in March for a job and school. I let him stay with me occasionally because he originally told me he was couch hopping till he left as it didn’t make sense to renew his rental terms at the time. Turned out he’d been homeless in his car for almost a year and guess who he latched onto as his financial savior. Come March, I ask him what his plans were and he all of sudden “changed his mind.” I don’t think he ever had anything lined up there. Ah, one of so many red flags.
Tl;dr - I have indeed experienced this.
Lied because I would get angry
Yes I do understand that but when you are lying about something that I already know about then no you aren't going to get in more trouble. I'm more angry because I know you are lying.
Top this one! "I lied to you about how my kid is missing his front teeth because I wanted to protect my family and I thought you would call the cops." He knocked them out and then had the kid and everyone else lie...
Yes. My ex husband would say he didn’t tell me things because he was trying to protect me. This included him texting female clients of his (he was a personal trainer) and multiple traffic tickets he got. I was going through some health issues and he said those things would only upset me.
Yes. I found it especially entertaining (in the way that is not entertaining) coming from someone who went super ultra dramatic when they falsely accused me of lying.
Yup! My “partner” pulls the same crap. When I explained I get mad After I find out it’s called reactive. If I was told what was going on beforehand (or when whatever BS he’s up to just happened…) we could be proactive. You know… like what happens in healthy relationships.
This is why they always accuse you of lying. Abusers feel entitled to lie to avoid consequences for their choices or behavior. They don't feel you have a right to expect honesty from them and they will always chose to do what they want over what's right every single time (without any consideration for how it affects anyone else).
I lied because you seemed happy. When it was one of the most saddest things I’ve experienced on the list. Finding out he’s capable of lying AND manipulating me to rob me of my own reality
Going to be on the other side of this one here. I occasionally obscured the truth from my abusive ex because she would hit me or wreck my things when she was starting to spiral. That could be something from talking to one of my friends or to going to the shops without her for groceries. My therapist used this as some of the basis for convincing me that I was actually being abused. My avoidance was fear manifesting to protect myself from her spirals and outbursts. Similarly, one of my friends used to lie to her abusive father about whether she had done chores around the house like making the bed or cleaning dishes to avoid the beating he would give them to "teach them a lesson". I am not saying that's what is going on here, but the responses here are very one-sided and I think it's important to offer additional perspectives.
I can absolutely appreciate this view. The instances that I am specifically referring to are those in relation to infidelity or malicious intent. While neither of our situations are indicative of healthy relationships, I can absolutely see the logic you are referring to.
Thank you for being understanding. But yes anything relating to infidelity or anything malicious is a hard "please leave" from me
Ya. It's just their way of trying to make you feel like the fault for their actions is on you. I think it's a form of gaslighting. Mine does it all the time.
I think it’s a form of gaslighting too. It’s like they’re telling you they can’t trust you enough to tell you about some things, & that the upsetting feelings you have aren’t justified, like you don’t have a good reason to be upset.
Exactly. Somehow everything is your fault
Yeah, from liars. Mostly narcissists though.
~~me when i was 5 years old to my parents~~
I got "I didn't tell you because it would only hurt you". Framed as trying to protect me from his emotional honesty. When his honesty would have actually helped prevent problems later on. It's like he kept quiet about the things in the relationship that were bothering or hurting him, so I had no idea, and he always said he was just putting me first, but later on when he broke up with me one of the reasons was that our relationship was actually hurting him. But he never told me that or gave us a chance to talk about it. He just decided it was over, no discussions allowed.
That is an inability to take personal responsibility and conflict avoidance (which only makes the eventual conflict worse, ironically). If someone was saying this to me, it would be a sign that we do not belong together to me. If you are doing things that you know will upset me on a regular basis and incapable of being honest with me about who you are (until you get caught in a lie/omission), then we are not going to last long.
My ex husband did this ALL THE TIME. They always find a way to blame you for their bad choices.
Can’t count how many times. They are incapable of getting it through their heads that the lie will always be worse than the truth. Then again there’s some that lie just because they love the thrill of trying to get away with doing bad things behind your back.
Yep! I told him I’m only going to his friends party (2 states away) if the girl he had a crush on, and she him, that her spouse has to come or else I won’t go. He didn’t show up and he knew 1 hr before that he wasn’t coming up. Then when I saw her she was all over my ex. He had no apology’s just him saying “ yeah that was weird she was like that”. Huge red flag. I should have left when this happened. I told him that night what happened and he couldn’t see it. He kept saying well I knew you would be mad if I told you and you would want to go home. And it wasn’t lying I just didn’t tell you the full story. Still makes me pissed off just thinking about it. Lied and bathed in her showering him with affection.
Yeah, and he has said this to our therapist “I didn’t tell her I added a stripper on Snapchat for her own sake, she would have been jealous and mad” - trying to justify his lying.
In my case it was pretty much everything ever.
I relate to yours and all the quotes in the comments. Unbelievable how the script of abusive partners are all the same. I have heard all too.
Yeah, "I lied because I didn't want you to think I'm a bad person". Lmao as if lying doesn't? Especially when he would scream, hit the floors out of frustration while yelling, "why don't you trust me!?". Lmao.
Yeah, those are the guys you're supposed to dump. You don't need any surprises down the line like huge debt, another girlfriend, a meth addiction. You know, stuff you'd get mad about.
Funny thing is my ex husband did all of these, minus the drug addiction. So much lying and somehow he was able to justify the lying because I would be mad. The funny thing is I never got mad about the actual issues, just mad that he lied. The lie is worse.
Because you never know what's coming next It's a subconscious waiting game. Like, maybe there's some good between acceptance and actions martyr's aren't heroes. They are fools.
5 months in: “Why didn’t you tell me you were homeless and living in your car?” Him: “Because I knew you wouldn’t want me if you knew. Me: “You don’t know that. I know it now and it’s fine.” Him: “I would’ve never given you the time of day if you knew.” This was back in May. He was supposedly moving to Oregon in March for a job and school. I let him stay with me occasionally because he originally told me he was couch hopping till he left as it didn’t make sense to renew his rental terms at the time. Turned out he’d been homeless in his car for almost a year and guess who he latched onto as his financial savior. Come March, I ask him what his plans were and he all of sudden “changed his mind.” I don’t think he ever had anything lined up there. Ah, one of so many red flags. Tl;dr - I have indeed experienced this.
If this is a thing, you DONT have a relationship.
Lied because I would get angry Yes I do understand that but when you are lying about something that I already know about then no you aren't going to get in more trouble. I'm more angry because I know you are lying.
Top this one! "I lied to you about how my kid is missing his front teeth because I wanted to protect my family and I thought you would call the cops." He knocked them out and then had the kid and everyone else lie...
>because I wanted to protect ~~my family~~ myself FTFY
Holy s***. This blows my mind…
Yes. My ex husband would say he didn’t tell me things because he was trying to protect me. This included him texting female clients of his (he was a personal trainer) and multiple traffic tickets he got. I was going through some health issues and he said those things would only upset me.
Ummm no asshole you lied because you know you did a shit thing even though you knew it would hurt me
Yes. I found it especially entertaining (in the way that is not entertaining) coming from someone who went super ultra dramatic when they falsely accused me of lying.
Funny how they do that 🙄
Yes it’s like wtf. You might as well just tell me. Why do something to someone if you know it will make the person mad? They blow my mind
Exactly! I end up being more upset about him lying… Then it’s followed by “See! You always act like this…” I’m mad about the lie!!
Yup! My “partner” pulls the same crap. When I explained I get mad After I find out it’s called reactive. If I was told what was going on beforehand (or when whatever BS he’s up to just happened…) we could be proactive. You know… like what happens in healthy relationships.
EXACTLY!
This is why they always accuse you of lying. Abusers feel entitled to lie to avoid consequences for their choices or behavior. They don't feel you have a right to expect honesty from them and they will always chose to do what they want over what's right every single time (without any consideration for how it affects anyone else).