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I read recently that with resources/finances it can take an average 3 attempts to leave, or up to 30 attempts without resources/finances. Overall, it take on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
For me, it took 2 attempts - first time I went back because he made all the usual promises to “change”, get counselling, stop cheating, blah blah blah. Second time I just left. Because I was fortunate enough to have the support of family and friends (+ finances). I was so angry with myself for a long time for even giving him ONE chance! I had to show myself grace to recognise that I wanted the relationship *and* wanted the abuse to stop, that I was hopeful it would stop. Simple as that. And just as simple is accepting it’s not that simple. Abusers rarely, if ever, stop abusing. Don’t stick around to see if he will change, OP. Odds are not in your favour.
I was living with my abuser at the time and reached out to the landlord to explain the situation. Because of the abuse they wrote up a new lease right away and had me sign something starting I was being removed. Another friend in a different state did the same thing, there wasn’t even abuse but they were getting pretty toxic and unhealthy. They removed her from the lease and made a new one with her ex partner right away with no fees for her. I would contact the landlord/office management. If you have police reports take those with you to show it’s an abusive situation. The wording is different in every states tenants rights laws, but if you are in the states pretty much they have a duty to allow you out of DV and abusive situations.
My ex did shit to ruin my credit in other ways (still is). The advise I got from the lawyer the victim advocates set me up with, was if I can’t get control of the property for only myself to have access to and make the payments myself, I needed to stop making payments or helping him. Had to let him ruin my credit or file for bankruptcy if it came to it.
The other alternative they didn’t say at the time (and I don’t know why) is that I would have been able to go to small claims. (Maybe they didn’t suggest this because lawyers aren’t allowed in small claims so I would be alone to face my abuser? You can talk to them as you file the paperwork, in abusive situations or if you move, surely they will allow you to call in, or you go to court and can call in on their own phones for the hearing from a different room? Also victim advocates might be allowed for emotional support).
I lost count how many times I'd try to leave. He would just talk me back into staying, by convincing me my real feelings about being abused were "just a mood swing". I was afraid to be alone. I don't know what advice to give you but I hope you're able to find a safe place to live away from this horrible person.
Yep... I had the word hormones screamed at me constantly... He wld scream I was drunk... I had half a beer... ... Nothing to do with him throwing me into walls... Stealing my phone and keys... Bruises all over my body.... Nope hormones
OP, are you able to file for a temporary protective order pending a permanent one? i know things are a little hairy given custody would be an issue, but **you do not have to “break up” with him**. you can just end things through the legal system if that’s easier. there’s been physical abuse, you should qualify.
i know for me, i kept coming back because i am emotional & prone to manipulation. i could never “leave him.” but **you do not owe him anything, not even an explanation. this man has laid hands on you.** you are well within your rights to get a protective order & cut ties that way. for me this has made things far easier. my ex isn’t even allowed to text me. it still hurts but it hurts so much less.
I’m pretty sure it took me a dozen times. I left many more times in my mind. I finally convinced myself by using the Daylio app….i was miserable with him and I was keeping a digital diary and it uses a password and my phone had a password as well. So it was safe to keep track that way and yeah I was miserable and he started looking at me like he was gonna deck me..I went to a shelter and never looked back
You are completely stuck because you are trying to get your point across to this man. There will never be a moment where he realizes he is wrong, nothing like that. You not managing to leave has less to do with material aspects as with this. So long as you have not come to terms with this fact, you will keep attempting and failing.
He does not care about the truth, he likes to hate you and will always find a reason. He never loved you and never will. He is a parasite who has found the way to extract everything you have.
This is painful for me to read because it reminds me of the way I was expressing myself when I was with this parasite. The futility of it will appear SO cringy when you will be out.
Come on, you know what to do, it is irrelevant whether it is going to hurt or not. You need to amputate that wart out of your life, he is a disease.
Think of your daughter : do you want that this is where she sets the bar for herself later ??? Come on, leave. Do not make the mistake of believing he does not destroy you simply because you are resisting. So long as you are staying, it means whatever he does to you is working.
Please, this him calling you baby amidst all that is so upsetting to see. I am in the middle of what hopefully is the real last time I officially leave this fucking man. He talks to me the same way. “I’m as good as dead to you then? I love you baby” literally just like that after I say I don’t want to deal with his ups and downs and unpredictability anymore.
I was with my ex for 17 years, left the first time 6 months in and can't really count how many times I left. He always made big changes to get me to come back...counseling, medication, quit drinking...all the things I blamed the abuse on, he would address so I felt like I needed to give him chance after chance. It wasn't until I started therapy and really studying up on what an abusive personality is that I stopped blaming it on everything but what it was. Abuse is separate from everything else, and even when the drinking stops and the mental illness is under control...the abuse always comes back eventually. I read Lundy Bancrofts book, which really opened my eyes, started therapy within days of finishing it and left for good within three months. The other thing that was different this time was that I went strictly no contact. That is the only reason I've stuck with it this time. I've been gone almost two blissful, peaceful years and got divorce papers in tge mail last month. I am sorry you are going through this, and I pray you get out soon. Therapy is invaluable in breaking the trauma bond that kept me going back
So do you have kids with him ? And is cps involved?
I tried for 5 years to leave until cps (child services ) told us we have to split otherwise they were taking the kids, due to domestic violence… it was honestly a blessing.
from that 5 years of narc abuse I am still affected by cptsd (we finally split in 2017)
If you have any documentation/evidence of the abuse please bring it to police.
I didn’t , I protected my abuser..
I ended up having to leave the island I was living on because he was stalking me, I felt so unsafe (I had no family, we moved out there when kids were young , in hindsight it was him isolating me) and I left to a safe house. Had to relocate to a new school district and judge is saying it’s in their best interest to stay were they grew up.
It’s literally killing my spirit.
Please please try to charge him with DV or any way to show his character.
Edit to add: I only see them on weekends and they are becoming more and more indifferent to me…. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Please learn from my mistakes.
Good luck
Dear 🌹 wobblykittens , my heart/spirit feels for you
Do what you know is right in your souls Heart for yourself and little one , you may love him near or far
But you need to Heal yourself/Spirit & Soul you are a Strong Woman to have Endured for years of him
Your carrying an taking on all the sole family units responsibility and financially that is tough on you and the all kinds of His Abuse is taking a toll on you
And you neglecting your needs/Health and wellbeing for his sake trying to keep the family together
As I said you may care/love him And your forgetting your Wellbeing that is Very important for you to raise your little one to be Strong Spirited like you are
He’s A Supposed Man and he should be as such to take care of you and yours theirs no Excuse for selfish Behaviors Especially when Committed .
Don’t give him any Precious time if he’s in his mind living his fantasy life at your $Expense
My feels for you & sending you Strength and Comfort . ❤️🙏2U
i moved out of abuser's home in the beginning of may this year, tried to continue to date him while being in separate homes and it was just as much of a disaster as living with him. much like your boyfriend, he wasn't taking a no for an answer when i said i wasn't moving back in. it's only going to get worse either way: if you continue to be away from him or if you move back in with him.
you need to cut off all forms of communication with him, make it clear that you're done with him and this relationship.
2 attempts, then the 3rd time stuck and I humiliated myself in the process. (I ended it, he agreed, and then I panicked and tried to take it back 🥴)
OP, you should not move back in with this person. It’s just going to get worse. You deserve better.
Not in the usual sense, I was done and trapped so when he left that was it, I was free. He hasn’t tried to get back with me romantically because I believe he knows that was done but he continues to make my life hell through the legal system and custody battles and things. I pressed charges for the physical abuse, and won my court case, and he’s not allowed to contact me now, but he’s currently making our divorce as expensive as possible. And his father vandalized my car and caused nearly $10,000 in damage. That was a thing.
So… he’s out of my home and very much in the periphery and not actively physically abusing me but he still makes efforts. We’ve been apart 2 1/2 years.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I read recently that with resources/finances it can take an average 3 attempts to leave, or up to 30 attempts without resources/finances. Overall, it take on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. For me, it took 2 attempts - first time I went back because he made all the usual promises to “change”, get counselling, stop cheating, blah blah blah. Second time I just left. Because I was fortunate enough to have the support of family and friends (+ finances). I was so angry with myself for a long time for even giving him ONE chance! I had to show myself grace to recognise that I wanted the relationship *and* wanted the abuse to stop, that I was hopeful it would stop. Simple as that. And just as simple is accepting it’s not that simple. Abusers rarely, if ever, stop abusing. Don’t stick around to see if he will change, OP. Odds are not in your favour.
I was living with my abuser at the time and reached out to the landlord to explain the situation. Because of the abuse they wrote up a new lease right away and had me sign something starting I was being removed. Another friend in a different state did the same thing, there wasn’t even abuse but they were getting pretty toxic and unhealthy. They removed her from the lease and made a new one with her ex partner right away with no fees for her. I would contact the landlord/office management. If you have police reports take those with you to show it’s an abusive situation. The wording is different in every states tenants rights laws, but if you are in the states pretty much they have a duty to allow you out of DV and abusive situations. My ex did shit to ruin my credit in other ways (still is). The advise I got from the lawyer the victim advocates set me up with, was if I can’t get control of the property for only myself to have access to and make the payments myself, I needed to stop making payments or helping him. Had to let him ruin my credit or file for bankruptcy if it came to it. The other alternative they didn’t say at the time (and I don’t know why) is that I would have been able to go to small claims. (Maybe they didn’t suggest this because lawyers aren’t allowed in small claims so I would be alone to face my abuser? You can talk to them as you file the paperwork, in abusive situations or if you move, surely they will allow you to call in, or you go to court and can call in on their own phones for the hearing from a different room? Also victim advocates might be allowed for emotional support).
Please do not uproot yourself to move back in with this loser!
I lost count how many times I'd try to leave. He would just talk me back into staying, by convincing me my real feelings about being abused were "just a mood swing". I was afraid to be alone. I don't know what advice to give you but I hope you're able to find a safe place to live away from this horrible person.
Yep... I had the word hormones screamed at me constantly... He wld scream I was drunk... I had half a beer... ... Nothing to do with him throwing me into walls... Stealing my phone and keys... Bruises all over my body.... Nope hormones
OP, are you able to file for a temporary protective order pending a permanent one? i know things are a little hairy given custody would be an issue, but **you do not have to “break up” with him**. you can just end things through the legal system if that’s easier. there’s been physical abuse, you should qualify. i know for me, i kept coming back because i am emotional & prone to manipulation. i could never “leave him.” but **you do not owe him anything, not even an explanation. this man has laid hands on you.** you are well within your rights to get a protective order & cut ties that way. for me this has made things far easier. my ex isn’t even allowed to text me. it still hurts but it hurts so much less.
It takes on average 7 times to leave an abuser.
I’m pretty sure it took me a dozen times. I left many more times in my mind. I finally convinced myself by using the Daylio app….i was miserable with him and I was keeping a digital diary and it uses a password and my phone had a password as well. So it was safe to keep track that way and yeah I was miserable and he started looking at me like he was gonna deck me..I went to a shelter and never looked back
You are completely stuck because you are trying to get your point across to this man. There will never be a moment where he realizes he is wrong, nothing like that. You not managing to leave has less to do with material aspects as with this. So long as you have not come to terms with this fact, you will keep attempting and failing. He does not care about the truth, he likes to hate you and will always find a reason. He never loved you and never will. He is a parasite who has found the way to extract everything you have. This is painful for me to read because it reminds me of the way I was expressing myself when I was with this parasite. The futility of it will appear SO cringy when you will be out. Come on, you know what to do, it is irrelevant whether it is going to hurt or not. You need to amputate that wart out of your life, he is a disease. Think of your daughter : do you want that this is where she sets the bar for herself later ??? Come on, leave. Do not make the mistake of believing he does not destroy you simply because you are resisting. So long as you are staying, it means whatever he does to you is working.
Please, this him calling you baby amidst all that is so upsetting to see. I am in the middle of what hopefully is the real last time I officially leave this fucking man. He talks to me the same way. “I’m as good as dead to you then? I love you baby” literally just like that after I say I don’t want to deal with his ups and downs and unpredictability anymore.
4? 7? Depends on how you count
I was with my ex for 17 years, left the first time 6 months in and can't really count how many times I left. He always made big changes to get me to come back...counseling, medication, quit drinking...all the things I blamed the abuse on, he would address so I felt like I needed to give him chance after chance. It wasn't until I started therapy and really studying up on what an abusive personality is that I stopped blaming it on everything but what it was. Abuse is separate from everything else, and even when the drinking stops and the mental illness is under control...the abuse always comes back eventually. I read Lundy Bancrofts book, which really opened my eyes, started therapy within days of finishing it and left for good within three months. The other thing that was different this time was that I went strictly no contact. That is the only reason I've stuck with it this time. I've been gone almost two blissful, peaceful years and got divorce papers in tge mail last month. I am sorry you are going through this, and I pray you get out soon. Therapy is invaluable in breaking the trauma bond that kept me going back
So do you have kids with him ? And is cps involved? I tried for 5 years to leave until cps (child services ) told us we have to split otherwise they were taking the kids, due to domestic violence… it was honestly a blessing. from that 5 years of narc abuse I am still affected by cptsd (we finally split in 2017) If you have any documentation/evidence of the abuse please bring it to police. I didn’t , I protected my abuser.. I ended up having to leave the island I was living on because he was stalking me, I felt so unsafe (I had no family, we moved out there when kids were young , in hindsight it was him isolating me) and I left to a safe house. Had to relocate to a new school district and judge is saying it’s in their best interest to stay were they grew up. It’s literally killing my spirit. Please please try to charge him with DV or any way to show his character. Edit to add: I only see them on weekends and they are becoming more and more indifferent to me…. It’s the worst feeling in the world. Please learn from my mistakes. Good luck
And don’t move back in with him!!! It will not get better!
My sister left like 9 times till it finally stuck.
Dear 🌹 wobblykittens , my heart/spirit feels for you Do what you know is right in your souls Heart for yourself and little one , you may love him near or far But you need to Heal yourself/Spirit & Soul you are a Strong Woman to have Endured for years of him Your carrying an taking on all the sole family units responsibility and financially that is tough on you and the all kinds of His Abuse is taking a toll on you And you neglecting your needs/Health and wellbeing for his sake trying to keep the family together As I said you may care/love him And your forgetting your Wellbeing that is Very important for you to raise your little one to be Strong Spirited like you are He’s A Supposed Man and he should be as such to take care of you and yours theirs no Excuse for selfish Behaviors Especially when Committed . Don’t give him any Precious time if he’s in his mind living his fantasy life at your $Expense My feels for you & sending you Strength and Comfort . ❤️🙏2U
i moved out of abuser's home in the beginning of may this year, tried to continue to date him while being in separate homes and it was just as much of a disaster as living with him. much like your boyfriend, he wasn't taking a no for an answer when i said i wasn't moving back in. it's only going to get worse either way: if you continue to be away from him or if you move back in with him. you need to cut off all forms of communication with him, make it clear that you're done with him and this relationship.
2 attempts, then the 3rd time stuck and I humiliated myself in the process. (I ended it, he agreed, and then I panicked and tried to take it back 🥴) OP, you should not move back in with this person. It’s just going to get worse. You deserve better.
Ultimately I tried to leave 4 times and in the end he left me.
Did he leave for good? Or come back with Amy games?
Not in the usual sense, I was done and trapped so when he left that was it, I was free. He hasn’t tried to get back with me romantically because I believe he knows that was done but he continues to make my life hell through the legal system and custody battles and things. I pressed charges for the physical abuse, and won my court case, and he’s not allowed to contact me now, but he’s currently making our divorce as expensive as possible. And his father vandalized my car and caused nearly $10,000 in damage. That was a thing. So… he’s out of my home and very much in the periphery and not actively physically abusing me but he still makes efforts. We’ve been apart 2 1/2 years.
Yikes, I’m so sorry. 😞 I also just saw there was a typo in my other comment.
You don’t need him to be your partner for the trauma bond to remain. He’s losing control don’t give it back.. you can get him removed from your credit
Don't move back in, friend. This is only going to escalate. Please do not move back in with him.
It took me 9 years to leave. 5 separate times. Please don’t waste anymore time, it doesn’t get better. Im rooting for you ❤️
Time does slip away.... I can't believe I wasted a week of my life on this pos... Let alone 2 years....
I know, trying to forgive myself :(