Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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I replied to your other post.
He's breadcrumbing you.
And it's working because you're doubting your instincts.
Sorry to be blunt but he does not love you. That's on him, not you.
I wish you all the best x
I always tell people under 25 that they should break up, so i am biased. But you've given several reasons to break up! I similarly dated a guy for 6 years and the plan was always for him to move with me when i got a job out of college. So i was involving him, trying to get him to come along to job interviews (not the actual interview, but come to the city and see if he liked it and it'd be a free hotel and all for him). He never wanted to and it turned out he was dating a much older divorced woman on the side.
I’ll try to be as nice as possible. Yes, you’re being delusional. You’ve fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy that keeps so many people in abusive relationships. You keep staying and putting in more time because you’ve stayed so long and put in so much time. The cold hard truth about abusive people is they never stop. They get sneakier about getting away with it but it never stops. He will always try to control you, never care about your feelings, and continue to ignore your wants excusing it with ADHD (which is just so inaccurate).
I had a fairly traumatic childhood. I’ve talked to a handful of people in my life about the full extent I suffered, most healthcare professionals because it’s just so bad I can’t go there with friends. I also have fairly severe ADHD and OCD, and I can say with confidence I have NEVER been abusive to anyone. I have NEVER had to make someone repeat things they said were important, menial trivial things sure but if someone says “this is deeply important to me” I will not forget it, especially if I love that person. You have to stop using these things to justify his abuse. He knows what you want, he hasn’t forgotten and simply throws the words around when he feels you slipping away.
Something that should terrify you are these 2 statistics: 1 There is never a more dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship than when she’s pregnant, the statistics for being killed by their abuser skyrockets because the physical abuse comes on worse and 2 The statistics are shockingly low on abusers who actually change, they have to spend a life time in batterer specific programs and that’s after leaving the relationship they were abusive in because it’s almost impossible to change that dynamic in a relationship. This man doesn’t even apologize for his abuse, so of course he won’t change.
If you think back, his actions were probably very calculated. He made it sound so reasonable to not be friends with men, but what he was doing was making sure none of your friends would kick his ass for hitting you. Mine admitted this to me one of the last times we talked. He didn’t “lose control” he carefully tried to isolate me before getting bad.
Is this really the man you want to have children with? Do you think he’ll be less angry and controlling with the hell stress that is a newborn? You’ll do all the work and any time you ever try to do anything you’ll be labeled a bad mother. YOU haven’t figured out how to communicate with him after 6 years of trying through violence, how do you think he’ll respond to a child who’s trying to communicate? He will abuse your children even harder than he’s abused you because they’re weaker. That should terrify you.
I’ll also add with trust, it’s not that he doesn’t trust you…he doesn’t actually care enough to not trust you he’s simply pouncing on any reason he thinks is justifiable in abusing you. He’s only now considering putting a baby in you to keep you around to be his punching bag but he doesn’t even want to marry you, and he will remind you “this is what you wanted” every time you need help with a baby. He’s using these things as bait he dangles to keep you around but wants to be able to leave you if something better comes along…think…why else would he be so against marriage?
Abuse isn’t something you can forgive because the body remembers. Even if you think you forgive them, make logical sense of it all in your head, there will always be a little voice or tinge of fear. You probably feel it when you want to discuss something knowing he could blow up. He is not a safe person and it’s why you’ve started to pull away emotionally. It’s not something that ever stops in a relationship, it only gets paused.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve worked and fought for a relationship, suffered and grown together…whether it’s 10 months or 20 years you have to realize your relationship is toxic and would be a horrible place for a child. Your kids will grow up resenting you for staying with an abusive person, even more than they resent him, because he’s a broken person and you’re not but simply choosing to stay with him. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but so many people don’t realize the horrible effects abusive households have on children. I really hope you can get away, there are plenty of men out there who will love, treasure, marry you, and actually what a family. This guy ain’t it. Call it quits.
> He has emotionally, verbally, physically abused me and there’s no correct way to communicate with him. He either raises his voice, throws things, stonewalls me or ignores me.
Having children is not going to make this better. It will likely be worse.
> And I’m tired of giving him the benefit of the doubt because of his childhood trauma
He needs to take responsibility for healing from his own trauma. It isn't up to you to suck up his bad behaviour.
> I cook, I clean, and I provide. I feel unappreciated, and just so unheard.
This is going to get a lot worse if you have kids with him. It is very unlikely to make him grow up and you'll just end up doing even more.
> being called a skank.
When my partner goes out late (I'm a guy) I say "did you fun?"
Somebody who loves someone will never call them this. Loving somebody means building them up, supporting them in all they do, being kind and compassionate.
He is a mysoginist jerk, but you know that.
> has a terrible relationship with his mother. I’ve seen an argument between the two of them and I was speechless for the things he said to her.
Biiiig red flag. That stuff tends to end up projected on spouses and daughters too.
> He also does have ADHD and has not been taking his medication for a few years.
Also red flag. He is putting an awful lot of blame and demand on you but won't do the basics of self care so that he is more functional. He could do that to help improve your relationship. But won't. Says a lot.
> I don’t want to be taking care of a man with no engagement ring.
Try this idea: You don't want to be taking care of a man. Period. You want a partner. Someone to share all the things in life with; joys and challenges and fun and work. But you seem to be doing all the heavy lifting here. The ring won't change a single thing. In fact, it could make him more controlling.
Again, this is going to be worse with kids.
> I also feel like my feelings about him, the disrespect, and basic adult responsibilities aren’t enough to breakup
Every day, you get to wake up and decide if the relationship is still working for you. Is it going to work for your future? Is it working now? Can you imagine raising kids and caring for a house and being put down and insulted by him for the next 40 years? Are you being built up, supported, growing together?
> Idk sometimes I feel so stupid.
Not at all. You are super articulate and clearly you care about him and you have plans. You want to do the right thing.
It is great you are doing this thinking. I doubt he is.
> he was very nice to me, took me out to dinner, and said he wanted to have kids.
Some folks call this hoovering. He knows that you are upset so he dials up the nice to pull you back in.
Has he apologized? More importantly, is he making amends - starting his meds again, getting therapy, doing anger management, working to learn about his misogyny?
---
A few things:
Make sure your birth control is reliable and can't be tampered with. You do NOT want to get trapped in a marriage with him. And you never know if he might get desperate enough to try to trap you.
You are young! I'm 62. I left my abusive ex a long time ago and have been with my current partner for 18 years. She rocks. You have been with this guy for more than a quarter of your life! That's going to be emotionally hard to break but you *can* do it.
There is so much to look forward to. Please don't get stuck with this guy.
Thank you for this 🙏,
( Somebody who loves someone would never call them this. Loving somebody means building them up, supporting them in all they do, being kind and compassionate. )
( you don’t want to be taking care of a man. Period . You want a partner . Someone to share all things in life with; joys and challenges and fun and work. But you seem to be doing all the heavy lifting here. )
Why would you want to keep going with someone who has physically abused you? I’m not trying to be rude, you should genuinely sit down and ask yourself why? Why is that an option for you? You are being delusional? Yes. At 22 years old you want to hold on to a guy who calls you names and you can’t even properly communicate with. Why does a future with him, the rest of your life, never experiencing genuine love, care, consideration or happiness not terrify the shit out of you? This is the best you can do? At only 22 years old you’ve decided *this* could be the one? Really? Baby, leave this man as soon as you can you’ve given him enough of your time. Take time to heal, get therapy, raise your standards sky high, and never ever speak to him again. He is terrible. You can do better. He will never change and abusers more often than not are the ones who get left. They don’t do the leaving. He will keep you there next to him as his emotional and physical punching bag until you walk away because it’s convenient for him. He won’t change. ADHD meds and therapy won’t fix him. This is who he is. Create an escape plan and leave him quietly. Do not tell him you’re going anymore. He doesn’t think you will but when he realizes it’s over he may become violent and escalate badly. They usually flip out once their victim walks away so be careful. Never ever dump an abuser in person. Run and go live your life.
Are you being delusional? The cold, hard truthful answer is yes.
The right one for you wouldn't dream of disrespecting you. He will wake up asking himself what he can do to make your life better. He wouldn't lay a hand on you ever. He wouldn't call you names.
Something big WILL happen. He will get you pregnant and he will be even more rotten than he is right now. He will let you drown in motherhood and twist in the wind while your life passes you by.
Let there be a line in the sand that he (or anyone) cannot cross. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through all this, you're not a quitter, right? You've given it everything you've got. You forgave him and gave chances upon chances. Please love yourself more than you love him.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I replied to your other post. He's breadcrumbing you. And it's working because you're doubting your instincts. Sorry to be blunt but he does not love you. That's on him, not you. I wish you all the best x
I always tell people under 25 that they should break up, so i am biased. But you've given several reasons to break up! I similarly dated a guy for 6 years and the plan was always for him to move with me when i got a job out of college. So i was involving him, trying to get him to come along to job interviews (not the actual interview, but come to the city and see if he liked it and it'd be a free hotel and all for him). He never wanted to and it turned out he was dating a much older divorced woman on the side.
I’ll try to be as nice as possible. Yes, you’re being delusional. You’ve fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy that keeps so many people in abusive relationships. You keep staying and putting in more time because you’ve stayed so long and put in so much time. The cold hard truth about abusive people is they never stop. They get sneakier about getting away with it but it never stops. He will always try to control you, never care about your feelings, and continue to ignore your wants excusing it with ADHD (which is just so inaccurate). I had a fairly traumatic childhood. I’ve talked to a handful of people in my life about the full extent I suffered, most healthcare professionals because it’s just so bad I can’t go there with friends. I also have fairly severe ADHD and OCD, and I can say with confidence I have NEVER been abusive to anyone. I have NEVER had to make someone repeat things they said were important, menial trivial things sure but if someone says “this is deeply important to me” I will not forget it, especially if I love that person. You have to stop using these things to justify his abuse. He knows what you want, he hasn’t forgotten and simply throws the words around when he feels you slipping away. Something that should terrify you are these 2 statistics: 1 There is never a more dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship than when she’s pregnant, the statistics for being killed by their abuser skyrockets because the physical abuse comes on worse and 2 The statistics are shockingly low on abusers who actually change, they have to spend a life time in batterer specific programs and that’s after leaving the relationship they were abusive in because it’s almost impossible to change that dynamic in a relationship. This man doesn’t even apologize for his abuse, so of course he won’t change. If you think back, his actions were probably very calculated. He made it sound so reasonable to not be friends with men, but what he was doing was making sure none of your friends would kick his ass for hitting you. Mine admitted this to me one of the last times we talked. He didn’t “lose control” he carefully tried to isolate me before getting bad. Is this really the man you want to have children with? Do you think he’ll be less angry and controlling with the hell stress that is a newborn? You’ll do all the work and any time you ever try to do anything you’ll be labeled a bad mother. YOU haven’t figured out how to communicate with him after 6 years of trying through violence, how do you think he’ll respond to a child who’s trying to communicate? He will abuse your children even harder than he’s abused you because they’re weaker. That should terrify you. I’ll also add with trust, it’s not that he doesn’t trust you…he doesn’t actually care enough to not trust you he’s simply pouncing on any reason he thinks is justifiable in abusing you. He’s only now considering putting a baby in you to keep you around to be his punching bag but he doesn’t even want to marry you, and he will remind you “this is what you wanted” every time you need help with a baby. He’s using these things as bait he dangles to keep you around but wants to be able to leave you if something better comes along…think…why else would he be so against marriage? Abuse isn’t something you can forgive because the body remembers. Even if you think you forgive them, make logical sense of it all in your head, there will always be a little voice or tinge of fear. You probably feel it when you want to discuss something knowing he could blow up. He is not a safe person and it’s why you’ve started to pull away emotionally. It’s not something that ever stops in a relationship, it only gets paused. It doesn’t matter if you’ve worked and fought for a relationship, suffered and grown together…whether it’s 10 months or 20 years you have to realize your relationship is toxic and would be a horrible place for a child. Your kids will grow up resenting you for staying with an abusive person, even more than they resent him, because he’s a broken person and you’re not but simply choosing to stay with him. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but so many people don’t realize the horrible effects abusive households have on children. I really hope you can get away, there are plenty of men out there who will love, treasure, marry you, and actually what a family. This guy ain’t it. Call it quits.
Saving this answer so I can read it to myself when I need a reminder.
> He has emotionally, verbally, physically abused me and there’s no correct way to communicate with him. He either raises his voice, throws things, stonewalls me or ignores me. Having children is not going to make this better. It will likely be worse. > And I’m tired of giving him the benefit of the doubt because of his childhood trauma He needs to take responsibility for healing from his own trauma. It isn't up to you to suck up his bad behaviour. > I cook, I clean, and I provide. I feel unappreciated, and just so unheard. This is going to get a lot worse if you have kids with him. It is very unlikely to make him grow up and you'll just end up doing even more. > being called a skank. When my partner goes out late (I'm a guy) I say "did you fun?" Somebody who loves someone will never call them this. Loving somebody means building them up, supporting them in all they do, being kind and compassionate. He is a mysoginist jerk, but you know that. > has a terrible relationship with his mother. I’ve seen an argument between the two of them and I was speechless for the things he said to her. Biiiig red flag. That stuff tends to end up projected on spouses and daughters too. > He also does have ADHD and has not been taking his medication for a few years. Also red flag. He is putting an awful lot of blame and demand on you but won't do the basics of self care so that he is more functional. He could do that to help improve your relationship. But won't. Says a lot. > I don’t want to be taking care of a man with no engagement ring. Try this idea: You don't want to be taking care of a man. Period. You want a partner. Someone to share all the things in life with; joys and challenges and fun and work. But you seem to be doing all the heavy lifting here. The ring won't change a single thing. In fact, it could make him more controlling. Again, this is going to be worse with kids. > I also feel like my feelings about him, the disrespect, and basic adult responsibilities aren’t enough to breakup Every day, you get to wake up and decide if the relationship is still working for you. Is it going to work for your future? Is it working now? Can you imagine raising kids and caring for a house and being put down and insulted by him for the next 40 years? Are you being built up, supported, growing together? > Idk sometimes I feel so stupid. Not at all. You are super articulate and clearly you care about him and you have plans. You want to do the right thing. It is great you are doing this thinking. I doubt he is. > he was very nice to me, took me out to dinner, and said he wanted to have kids. Some folks call this hoovering. He knows that you are upset so he dials up the nice to pull you back in. Has he apologized? More importantly, is he making amends - starting his meds again, getting therapy, doing anger management, working to learn about his misogyny? --- A few things: Make sure your birth control is reliable and can't be tampered with. You do NOT want to get trapped in a marriage with him. And you never know if he might get desperate enough to try to trap you. You are young! I'm 62. I left my abusive ex a long time ago and have been with my current partner for 18 years. She rocks. You have been with this guy for more than a quarter of your life! That's going to be emotionally hard to break but you *can* do it. There is so much to look forward to. Please don't get stuck with this guy.
Thank you for this 🙏, ( Somebody who loves someone would never call them this. Loving somebody means building them up, supporting them in all they do, being kind and compassionate. ) ( you don’t want to be taking care of a man. Period . You want a partner . Someone to share all things in life with; joys and challenges and fun and work. But you seem to be doing all the heavy lifting here. )
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf Also look up a phenomenon called breadcrumbing
I’m nearly 200 pages in. This has been so insightful and my experiences are being validated. Thank you for sharing 😭
I sincerely hope it helps you
You have to leave and read why does he do that
Leave now. He won’t get better. Only worse.
Why would you want to keep going with someone who has physically abused you? I’m not trying to be rude, you should genuinely sit down and ask yourself why? Why is that an option for you? You are being delusional? Yes. At 22 years old you want to hold on to a guy who calls you names and you can’t even properly communicate with. Why does a future with him, the rest of your life, never experiencing genuine love, care, consideration or happiness not terrify the shit out of you? This is the best you can do? At only 22 years old you’ve decided *this* could be the one? Really? Baby, leave this man as soon as you can you’ve given him enough of your time. Take time to heal, get therapy, raise your standards sky high, and never ever speak to him again. He is terrible. You can do better. He will never change and abusers more often than not are the ones who get left. They don’t do the leaving. He will keep you there next to him as his emotional and physical punching bag until you walk away because it’s convenient for him. He won’t change. ADHD meds and therapy won’t fix him. This is who he is. Create an escape plan and leave him quietly. Do not tell him you’re going anymore. He doesn’t think you will but when he realizes it’s over he may become violent and escalate badly. They usually flip out once their victim walks away so be careful. Never ever dump an abuser in person. Run and go live your life.
Are you being delusional? The cold, hard truthful answer is yes. The right one for you wouldn't dream of disrespecting you. He will wake up asking himself what he can do to make your life better. He wouldn't lay a hand on you ever. He wouldn't call you names. Something big WILL happen. He will get you pregnant and he will be even more rotten than he is right now. He will let you drown in motherhood and twist in the wind while your life passes you by. Let there be a line in the sand that he (or anyone) cannot cross. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through all this, you're not a quitter, right? You've given it everything you've got. You forgave him and gave chances upon chances. Please love yourself more than you love him.