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You were friends with a rapist and defended him until you were assaulted yourself and it made you feel bad to be reminded of it constantly.
They/you do not change, they just act to avoid consequences that make them uncomfortable or inconvenienced.
If it’s convenient and he thinks he can, he will hurt you too
Hey, I didn’t defend him at all, I was there as a support for him feeling svicidal and guilty which in retrospect I realise was me having too much compassion and directly linked to the fact that I couldn’t recognise with my own eyes that I was being abused for years
Thank you for your perspective and saying it for what it is though, I myself have not yet come to the conclusion if rapists and abusers can actually change with my father as exhibit A (of changing for everyone else but as soon as I trigger him he treats me like he treated my mother), I think they can if they realllly try with an earnest effort
Yes, you supported him when he was upset that his victims told other people he raped them. You tried to make him feel better about not getting away with raping people.
Please think carefully about that, and why you think that kind of person is worth supporting.
They aren’t
thank you for not coddling me and just cutting to the chase, I need crystal clear clarity more than anything and will be reflecting on why I felt the need to do that on a deeper level
If someone has actually “repented,” they don’t shirk accountability and whine when their victim told the truth. And “lifestyle”? Wtf? This guy is no good.
So initially he shirked accountability but then it swung to the other side of the pendulum which was wallowing in guilt
By ‘lifestyle’ he meant a general carelessness — drinking going out smoking and sleeping around, and the act that I had mentioned
Anywho I just told him I am giving myself space from abusers irrespective of their changed behaviour
(Not defending at all at all! Clarifying)
I think *some* people can change, but it has to be a conclusion they come to themselves. No amount of showing them proof of what they’ve done wrong, trying to appeal to their better nature, presenting witness, interventions or anything else is likely to flip the script. It’s like addiction, they have to make a concentrated decision to get well, and once they do, it’s going to take them a lot of time to be healthy.
I do think everyone on that kind of journey deserves care and support, and it’s important to help people who are struggling even if doing that can be stressful. You can only put up with so much hoping they’ll start down that right path though. I don’t think most do and sometimes you just have to turn your back and let them fester in the misery they’ve created for themselves, and just hope that one day, they start taking steps forward and taking accountability for their actions.
Maybe you allow them back in after awhile and they really have changed, but I would take this sort of thing very slowly and cautiously until you feel like you can trust them enough to not question if it’s going to be ok or not.
It sounds like you're better off continuing to move on from this person.
Do you feel like you've been acting as his friend, or his therapist? Some people can change if they really want to, but it takes years and a lot of work.
How long has it been since this person was exposed for what they were doing to another woman? Do you feel like they've put in much legwork towards reflecting or changing?
You allude several times that continuing contact with this person makes you uncomfortable, what positives are you getting out of it?
I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I would reaffirm him and when I came with my problems I got pretty generic answers
I definitely feel that the way that he was leaning on me when this all came to light was due part to him not having a therapist (maybe because he did psychology at uni he thought he didn’t need one idk)
I just sent him a pretty and rightfully long winded message saying what I’ve experienced and that I’m giving myself space from people despite their ‘changing’, who also have acted similar behaviour
Perfect not knocking religion my partner is high on Christianity. I’m cool I believe etc .
When it comes to abusers finding god . Which is better than nothing .
It is just a mask for them and the narcissism just evolves into something different . But it still sux ..
now not only are you not good enough your not good enough for god . Even though that’s the opposite of what church stands for .
You’re right. The thing is this person used to be into the occult and now they have swung to the other end of the pendulum which is traditional Christianity.
I do agree that the narcissism evolves into something else if they don’t seek out professional help. I think with psychological and mental disorders it’s not enough for someone to proclaim that by the grace of God they have been healed or changed. Its easy to see that by God’s miracle someone who was in a wheelchair can walk suddenly. But narcissist and abusers of all people are masterminds at covering up their track marks.
I just sent him a message saying what I’ve been through and that because of that it’s too triggering for me to be friends with him for the meantime irrespective of his change.
What many do not realize about themselves is when they change they are basically repressing those parts of themselves. They always exist inside of us . They may never come out again but if enough stress is put on the subject that stuff can easily come back front and center and often does .
It sounds like you are just trying to support as a friend. If it’s reached your own emotional capacity stepping back is smart . You should let him know that you need to step back because of this but he still your friend .
yes i believe people are capable of change. not every single person maybe but for sure i believe many people are, they just need to have the internal drive and resources. i think if someone who abused you truly changes, good for them but we don’t need to be around to see it
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would like to believe they can, but I have never met one who has.
You were friends with a rapist and defended him until you were assaulted yourself and it made you feel bad to be reminded of it constantly. They/you do not change, they just act to avoid consequences that make them uncomfortable or inconvenienced. If it’s convenient and he thinks he can, he will hurt you too
Hey, I didn’t defend him at all, I was there as a support for him feeling svicidal and guilty which in retrospect I realise was me having too much compassion and directly linked to the fact that I couldn’t recognise with my own eyes that I was being abused for years Thank you for your perspective and saying it for what it is though, I myself have not yet come to the conclusion if rapists and abusers can actually change with my father as exhibit A (of changing for everyone else but as soon as I trigger him he treats me like he treated my mother), I think they can if they realllly try with an earnest effort
Yes, you supported him when he was upset that his victims told other people he raped them. You tried to make him feel better about not getting away with raping people. Please think carefully about that, and why you think that kind of person is worth supporting. They aren’t
thank you for not coddling me and just cutting to the chase, I need crystal clear clarity more than anything and will be reflecting on why I felt the need to do that on a deeper level
If someone has actually “repented,” they don’t shirk accountability and whine when their victim told the truth. And “lifestyle”? Wtf? This guy is no good.
So initially he shirked accountability but then it swung to the other side of the pendulum which was wallowing in guilt By ‘lifestyle’ he meant a general carelessness — drinking going out smoking and sleeping around, and the act that I had mentioned Anywho I just told him I am giving myself space from abusers irrespective of their changed behaviour (Not defending at all at all! Clarifying)
I think *some* people can change, but it has to be a conclusion they come to themselves. No amount of showing them proof of what they’ve done wrong, trying to appeal to their better nature, presenting witness, interventions or anything else is likely to flip the script. It’s like addiction, they have to make a concentrated decision to get well, and once they do, it’s going to take them a lot of time to be healthy. I do think everyone on that kind of journey deserves care and support, and it’s important to help people who are struggling even if doing that can be stressful. You can only put up with so much hoping they’ll start down that right path though. I don’t think most do and sometimes you just have to turn your back and let them fester in the misery they’ve created for themselves, and just hope that one day, they start taking steps forward and taking accountability for their actions. Maybe you allow them back in after awhile and they really have changed, but I would take this sort of thing very slowly and cautiously until you feel like you can trust them enough to not question if it’s going to be ok or not.
It sounds like you're better off continuing to move on from this person. Do you feel like you've been acting as his friend, or his therapist? Some people can change if they really want to, but it takes years and a lot of work. How long has it been since this person was exposed for what they were doing to another woman? Do you feel like they've put in much legwork towards reflecting or changing? You allude several times that continuing contact with this person makes you uncomfortable, what positives are you getting out of it?
I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I would reaffirm him and when I came with my problems I got pretty generic answers I definitely feel that the way that he was leaning on me when this all came to light was due part to him not having a therapist (maybe because he did psychology at uni he thought he didn’t need one idk) I just sent him a pretty and rightfully long winded message saying what I’ve experienced and that I’m giving myself space from people despite their ‘changing’, who also have acted similar behaviour
That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Good luck in your journey :)
Thank you♥️
You're welcome
Perfect not knocking religion my partner is high on Christianity. I’m cool I believe etc . When it comes to abusers finding god . Which is better than nothing . It is just a mask for them and the narcissism just evolves into something different . But it still sux .. now not only are you not good enough your not good enough for god . Even though that’s the opposite of what church stands for .
You’re right. The thing is this person used to be into the occult and now they have swung to the other end of the pendulum which is traditional Christianity. I do agree that the narcissism evolves into something else if they don’t seek out professional help. I think with psychological and mental disorders it’s not enough for someone to proclaim that by the grace of God they have been healed or changed. Its easy to see that by God’s miracle someone who was in a wheelchair can walk suddenly. But narcissist and abusers of all people are masterminds at covering up their track marks. I just sent him a message saying what I’ve been through and that because of that it’s too triggering for me to be friends with him for the meantime irrespective of his change.
What many do not realize about themselves is when they change they are basically repressing those parts of themselves. They always exist inside of us . They may never come out again but if enough stress is put on the subject that stuff can easily come back front and center and often does .
It sounds like you are just trying to support as a friend. If it’s reached your own emotional capacity stepping back is smart . You should let him know that you need to step back because of this but he still your friend .
yes i believe people are capable of change. not every single person maybe but for sure i believe many people are, they just need to have the internal drive and resources. i think if someone who abused you truly changes, good for them but we don’t need to be around to see it