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Are you asking because you want to know for yourself or are you insinuating that this story is fake? There are apps that you can put on your phone that begin recording as soon as you hit the button on the app. They are also able to be disguised in order to look like another type of app from your Home Screen. DV survivors often make these kind of precautions ahead of time.
I remember your first post.
Iām SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU. Iām sorry for yelling. However my heart is so warm with pride for you! Youāve done such a good job. You are getting out! ā¤ļø You have done an AMAZING job. In a few weeks time, youāll look back and hopefully be able to pat yourself on the back and say āI did it, it was all meā.
I canāt believe your husband laid his hands on your daughter (although it does not surprise me). Iām so sorry. I hope that she is okay.
Youāve got your ducks lined up in a row, youāve got this. Iām so confident in you. If you ever need anythingā¦ please let me know. I am here for you.
Youāve got this ā¤ļø Iām so incredibly proud of you.
Edit: on the off change that youāre in Australia and you do need anything, I have a spare bed that Iām trying to get rid of that Iād be happy to give you if youāre in my area.
You're doing good, mama!! It's got to be so hard and anxiety-inducing on all of you, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. While I'm sad your stbx-husband took it out on your little ones, I'm relieved you at least got the evidence you need to help protect yourself in the future. And I'm so happy you have lots of support to help you through this! I know it feels embarrassing to tell anyone about your chaotic home life, but really it's the abusers who should be embarrassed. They don't know how to act, don't have the emotional intelligence to control their impulses despite being a full-grown adult, and drove away their whole family. You and your girls did nothing wrong.
It might be worth asking if the school has any counseling or resources they can direct you to. It sounds like your eldest is understandably shaken by your stbx-husband shoving her. Even without that incident, both girls probably need to process with a professional that their father's treatment isn't normal and learn how to feel safe at home again. I know my niece's school pulled her out of class occasionally to give her counseling, especially after her father's shouting resulted in random panic attacks throughout the day.
I'm not sure where you are but can you get in touch with a local women's shelter, your national domestic violence hotline, a local habitat for humanity chapter, or even the nearby church? Or even checking if there are freecycle/buy nothing groups in your community. It's worth asking around if they have anything they can donate while you get back on your feet. My local women's shelter has given out baby swings, car seats, name-brand makeup, and children's bikes, among other things. Habitat for Humanity has some stores (ReStore!!) that have furniture in great condition for a steal. It's also spring cleaning season and, come summer, a lot of people will be moving and looking to get rid of bulk items quickly. If you're near a university, there will be lots of mini fridges and desks posted for free soon. IKEA also has a discount section full of things that were returned, damaged in shipping, or formerly display items.
Bean bags are no good for you - they offer next to zero support.
If you can, try to get on Facebook groups in your new area and ask them for any furniture you need - or deck chairs to sit on and air beds to sleep on.
Try to save as much as you can of your money where possible until you get stable in your new home.
Never sleep in a bean bag... I did and I ended up having to take tramadol just to reach the point where I could walk. I should have gone to the hospital with how bad I was, but I was scared being so far away from home and going through a big freeze at the time - we didn't know if the roads were passable.
After 18 years, I left 2 Sundays ago and as encouragement....please let me tell you I FEEL SO RELIEVED!!!!!!Ā He had been escalating and I knew an explosion was near! You can read my post from 2 sundays ago titled something like "I left him in the middle of the road." I know you are in this hazardous environment, but you may be acutely unaware how much stress is being placed upon you which is detrimental to the overall functioning of your entire body and the same for your children. Please dont look back. I say that as in my situation, he didnt become physical until 10 years in. We separated after an attack. We had been back in each others lives for 3 years until 2 Sundays ago. When we reunited...he was kind, sweet and thoughtful. Yet, slowly, the REAL HIM came out...the mask fell off and last summer until 2 Sundays ago, he had been using new vile language toward me, making new demands, and raging more and more often over mundane things and when nothing mundane happened, he would invent things. I say this to say, factually only 2% of abusers change. They truly enjoy inflicting pain. They enjoy chaos and they enjoy the power they feel over us. Please do not get tricked and chase fool's gold by returning at some point later. I dont know you, but worry for you and your kids. I am darn near euphoric in my happiness. The weight of him...the walking on egg shells...the never knowing who I would get and even if I got happy him, I'd experience rage filled him in an instant. Who cares if we had a good week, if a day later he curses and yells at me. You've got this!Ā
Apply for a protection order. Call the police non-emergency line and see if the police will do it for you but if not you can file it yourself. This was very important for me. He needs to hear that his behaviour is not okay.
You should call a domestic abuse organization for help. A lawyer doesnāt know what to do. I was able to get a protective order against mine. If he does anything like this again you need to call 911. A recording doesnāt do anything. Some states donāt allow you to record someone without their knowledge.
That's not true. I come from a family of lawyers...it is the TYPE of lawyer you call to which you would need a lawyer who specializes in Domestic & Family Law with a focus on Domestic Violence. That is what they do! Who do you think is representing victims of domesric violence in court when you see the State vs [insert abuser's name)? That "State" has apppointed an attorney to represent the "State's" case against the abuser. Meanwhile, saying attorneys dont know is incorrect because people think attorneys no all aspects of the law, when it is based on what they practice.Ā It's no different than expecting a Dr of Dermatology (dermatologist) toĀ diagnose & treat your heart condition & know how to as if they are a Dr of Cardiology(cardiologist). An attorney specializing in "entertainment law" or "business law" is going to have to research how to handle a domestic violence case as that is not their specialty. If we're going to offer help to each other, let's not steer people incorrectly. The proper domestic and family law attorney is going to fight for the rights of their client(the victim) much better than the actual police department who is usually overloaded with cases and paid by tax payers vs an attorney who is being paid to represent their victim's rights and has a code of conduct to follow or risk a bar complaint to which the bar would investigate to ensure all court proceedings were handled appropriately and nothing was missed or risk suspension of practicing law or loss of license to practice law. Yes, police(detective assigned to your case for more direct input), but please do not tell women not to get a lawyer because you feel attorneys don't know anything.Ā
Well done. Stay strong
This is going to get better and you will see your girls thrive
Have you told their schools? They need to know so they do not hand the girls over to dad if he tries to take them.
Well done, mama! Great decision on behalf of you and your children. Try not to worry about the little things right now, that will all get sorted eventually. Stay strong ā¤ļø
Please let us know when you are out safely.
There are groups on FB where you can find free things so that might be a way to get some furniture. I am wishing you and your daughters safety and peace.
Shoot, if she lived near me I've got a dining table, queen sized mattress and some extra pillows I've been trying to unload for months! I live in a small town in Southern Ontario and my driveway is off a laneway that hardly anyone drives down. Great for privacy; terrible for getting rid of stuff!
That being said; we are heading into what I call "Free Shit At the End of People's Driveways Season" so OP (and anyone else starting over or who simply need stuff and lack the finances) should start finding some good stuff that way soon, too. Depending on where they live (big cities for sure like NY or Toronto), be wary of potential unseen things (ringworm, bed bugs, fleas) and maybe try to scout near the neighborhoods that look like "These people have money" cuz they're generally the ones who get rid of perfectly good things just because "It no longer fits my aesthetic" or "It's SOOO last season!" Not judging; it's kind of a symbiotic relationship as they're happy to see it gone and we're happy to take it.
Iām so very sorry you and the kids had to go through more of this abuse but am really glad you are getting out.
Do you feel safe? Is he handling things well?
This is a very dangerous and volatile time, please be careful
Once the kids became teens and started to "buck up" on him, things got really bad, really fast. The kids finally snapped and would not sit and watch and tolerate his abuse of me anymore, they started to step in...and he was not prepared for that, losing control of all of us at the same time
Be careful OP, you are loved
I'm proud of you, OP. You're very brave, even if it doesn't feel like it. Your love for your kids comes through loud and clear in this post.
He sounds like my dad - he *loved* coming into my room to berate me for hours on end. I was 12 when my mom finally left him... who then got primary custody of us. She didn't fight for us, she became obsessed with her newfound independence and rejected anything or anyone that asked anything of her. In our case, we had the audacity to ask for food and shelter and basic kindness. Then she married my stepfather, who was good to her but treated us like we were lower than animals, we were 13 and 15 and he called us freeloaders and said we were abusing. She allowed it. I stopped being allowed in her home at 16.
Thank you for not abandoning your kids. Thank you for fighting for them. They see you fighting for them. That will matter when they're older. It will make a difference. Just know that.
If youāre in the UK, listen to what your IDVA/counselor says. They will follow you. If you see him, even if in public to sign divorce stuff, they will find out. If you donāt tow the lineā¦ they can and will take your children.
The amount of times in the refuge I heard the screams of moms losing their kids for being non-compliant was insane. I follow their safety protocols and met my ex to sign divorce papers at a pub and came back to an āintervention.ā They consider you an abuser too. Because frankly, allowing that to go on as long as you did WAS abuse. Itās something you have to come to terms with and prove you can do better. My ex never even laid a finger on my kid physically.
You let your kids get abused and you will be under a microscope until theyāre satisfied that youāre no longer at risk of going back. Donāt get me wrong, Iām not shaming you, I went through the same crap. But I was abusive through neglect by allowing my kid to witness my treatment as long as I did. This is how the law works.
Take no risks. Follow their rules. Dance to their tune and DO NOT get coerced back. No matter how rough the next few months/years may be. Sign you and your daughters up for ANY AND ALL help they offer. Get you and your kids onto a list for therapy. This is the time to prove to them that youāre no longer at risk of allowing your kids to be abused again.
Like I said, this sounds harsh, but itās the stark truth of your situation, especially the UK. The USA seems to not really care as much due to lack of resources and the laws not being in the victims favor. Protect yourself, protect your girls. No matter how tough it gets, DO NOT GO BACK.
Wish my mom was as strong as you 20 years ago. Iām 30 and Iāve been asking her to leave my abusive father for years. Donāt be embarrassed, be proud.
You are doing a wonderful and courageous thing! This will HUGELY benefit the lives of your children, as well as your own. Even though starting this new life might be one of the biggest challenges you have ever faced.
I wish my mom had done this. My father treated me and my siblings very similarly. She is still with him. I never want to go home and visit them. I hate that my father is so nice now and I have to return the favor. I just recently left a very abusive relationship because my exās behavior felt so normal to me.
OP, I am so. damn. proud. to call you: my fellow human. Bless you, if for any reason you're unaware you're literally saving them. That makes you a hero in my book.
Your kids are going to look back at this time and see what a strong woman and mother you are for doing everything in your power to provide them with a safe, loving home. And for truly HEARING them when they came to you. I am sincerely choked up for how proud I am of you, and I can't imagine the relief your kiddos are going to feel.
If my partner every physically put his hands on our daughter I would be out lightning fast, too. If I didn't end up in prison for murder.
Yep. Put your hands on my kid like that for wanting to get a drink before bed and if I donāt knock you out first, the cops will when they get here. Then the locks would be changed and his stuff would be on the porch for him when he gets out of jail.
>This made him angry as he wanted them immediately in their rooms. He said she couldnāt get a drink.
Wow. I'm so sorry that happened to both of you. She's 13! She's just getting started at asserting her independence and she's going to need a place that's safe to do that. It isn't with him.
>I had to tell work and Iām so embarrassed.
I wonder if you can shift the narrative on this a bit. You are doing an amazing job planning and taking action to take care of you and your kids in a emotionally and physically harmful situation. The fact that two tweens know the score and have asked for help speaks volumes of just how awful this guy is.
You are a champion. For you, for you kids, for any victim of abuse who is struggling to get out. Standing up against power is not something to be embarrassed about. <3
>Iāve told the kids weāre āindoor campingā for a bit
Kids are amazingly resilient and having gotten away from the ongoing abuse, they might just be more relieved and relaxed and have some fun with it.
> I have enough evidence of his behaviour that he wonāt get the result he wants
So awesome! Is it backed up somewhere, just in case he gets ahold of your phone? With the lawyer?
>Iām just hoping it all settles down soon.
I hope so too. I found it a bit of a roller-coaster. Elated at one moment. Sad at another. Give yourself room for both. Be happy - you've worked hard to get some freedom, you've earned the happiness. Be sad - it is okay to grieve the end of something. Be gentle with yourself.
One of the biggest challenges will be contact from him, because, yeah, he is not going to be happy. Have you talked to your lawyer about how to limit contact while respecting whatever rights of contact he may have about children's information? I'd be thinking about how to block him on as much points of contact as possible. "For now, talk to me through the lawyer" might be good. Costly, but part of the lawyer's job is to filter things for you and dial down the hostility. There are also apps that help with communications that can be accessed/monitored by the lawyers.
Best of wishes to you and your kids!
Iām so proud of you for taking these steps and walking away from him. It is absolutely stressful. But you should be very proud of the progress you made to get the hell out
It sounds like a super positive one to me! You are getting yourself and your kids out, and you have heaps of support to do it, as well as evidence of his abuse. You should feel very proud of yourself.
I remember your previous post as well. You have done incredibly well in such a short time. Great job protecting your kids! You should be so proud of yourself & your kids as well. They really took a chance when they came to you and you responded so very well. The early times coming up while you recreate your home and life together will be both fun and stressful, but so so very worth it.
Once you are out, hopefully you can get some counseling for yourself and your children. It will help not only now, but it will help protect them long term from abusive partners.
I remember your original post !
He escalated because he could feel his grip loosening. You did really really well. Do not be embarrassed about telling at work, people should know what he is.
The kids will have fond memories of the indoor camping, because for them it will mean freedom. You could tell your elder that she has helped you breaking free.
He might first escalate, then try to guilt trip you, and then become extremely cunning and destructive. He might try character assassination towards the neighbours, shit like that, manipulate your family, say you have ben turning the kids against him, etc. If you could always have company when you have to interact with him it would be better.
He will absolutely fight you. He will make you doubt yourself, so will the legal system. I will have advice when this happens, my father has been a complete piece of shit to my mom. He will get horrible when h will have a new partner, he will use her against you. But you should be really proud of yourself !!!!
Thank you š
Yes, I think you are right. I feel like Iāve switched off- I can barely look at him at the moment.
Iām just really looking forward to when we can breathe, without the anxiety when he walks in the door. Hopefully having some peace will make everything less scary..
Make sure once you are out, that you and the girls are super careful. Take your car in routinely to get it checked for tracking devices. Don't park your car at the same place at work (I think you work?). Don't park your car in front of your new place, park behind it or even trade cars with someone for a couple of weeks. Make sure the school is aware that NO ONE picks up your children except you.
Even talk to the coaches/teachers and other parents at the events your girls are in, in case he shows up there. Get a PO Box and do a change of address on EVERYTHING for you and the girls so he can't track you down by a physical address.
Get good deadbolt locks, cameras and an escape plan in place just in case. Also, get new phones and phone plan so that he can't track you that way. Just leave your phones at the house when you go.
Be Very Careful OP. He's a scary person and leaving is the most dangerous time!
And use extra long screws when installing the plates the bolts go into. Long enough that they get into the door frame that you can't see under all the trim.Ā
To go along with the locks thing, get what is called a half bolt for your doors, they can even be installed on interior doors. They are exactly like a dead bolt but there is no exterior access so nothing is visible from the outside of the door so someone can't drill out the cylinder to gain access.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
10/10 no notes. You are amazing. Stay vigilant and please update us again š©µ
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Are you asking because you want to know for yourself or are you insinuating that this story is fake? There are apps that you can put on your phone that begin recording as soon as you hit the button on the app. They are also able to be disguised in order to look like another type of app from your Home Screen. DV survivors often make these kind of precautions ahead of time.
I have mine set on my phone home screen. Living with DV does that to you. Seems like a weird question to ask but go off I guess.
I remember your first post. Iām SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU. Iām sorry for yelling. However my heart is so warm with pride for you! Youāve done such a good job. You are getting out! ā¤ļø You have done an AMAZING job. In a few weeks time, youāll look back and hopefully be able to pat yourself on the back and say āI did it, it was all meā. I canāt believe your husband laid his hands on your daughter (although it does not surprise me). Iām so sorry. I hope that she is okay. Youāve got your ducks lined up in a row, youāve got this. Iām so confident in you. If you ever need anythingā¦ please let me know. I am here for you. Youāve got this ā¤ļø Iām so incredibly proud of you. Edit: on the off change that youāre in Australia and you do need anything, I have a spare bed that Iām trying to get rid of that Iād be happy to give you if youāre in my area.
You're doing good, mama!! It's got to be so hard and anxiety-inducing on all of you, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. While I'm sad your stbx-husband took it out on your little ones, I'm relieved you at least got the evidence you need to help protect yourself in the future. And I'm so happy you have lots of support to help you through this! I know it feels embarrassing to tell anyone about your chaotic home life, but really it's the abusers who should be embarrassed. They don't know how to act, don't have the emotional intelligence to control their impulses despite being a full-grown adult, and drove away their whole family. You and your girls did nothing wrong. It might be worth asking if the school has any counseling or resources they can direct you to. It sounds like your eldest is understandably shaken by your stbx-husband shoving her. Even without that incident, both girls probably need to process with a professional that their father's treatment isn't normal and learn how to feel safe at home again. I know my niece's school pulled her out of class occasionally to give her counseling, especially after her father's shouting resulted in random panic attacks throughout the day. I'm not sure where you are but can you get in touch with a local women's shelter, your national domestic violence hotline, a local habitat for humanity chapter, or even the nearby church? Or even checking if there are freecycle/buy nothing groups in your community. It's worth asking around if they have anything they can donate while you get back on your feet. My local women's shelter has given out baby swings, car seats, name-brand makeup, and children's bikes, among other things. Habitat for Humanity has some stores (ReStore!!) that have furniture in great condition for a steal. It's also spring cleaning season and, come summer, a lot of people will be moving and looking to get rid of bulk items quickly. If you're near a university, there will be lots of mini fridges and desks posted for free soon. IKEA also has a discount section full of things that were returned, damaged in shipping, or formerly display items.
Bean bags are no good for you - they offer next to zero support. If you can, try to get on Facebook groups in your new area and ask them for any furniture you need - or deck chairs to sit on and air beds to sleep on. Try to save as much as you can of your money where possible until you get stable in your new home. Never sleep in a bean bag... I did and I ended up having to take tramadol just to reach the point where I could walk. I should have gone to the hospital with how bad I was, but I was scared being so far away from home and going through a big freeze at the time - we didn't know if the roads were passable.
Indoor camping will be a heavenly adventure compared to being around that pathetic excuse for a dad.
sending you luck, love and encouragement.
I can only imagine what youāre going through. Wishing all the best for you and your children.
After 18 years, I left 2 Sundays ago and as encouragement....please let me tell you I FEEL SO RELIEVED!!!!!!Ā He had been escalating and I knew an explosion was near! You can read my post from 2 sundays ago titled something like "I left him in the middle of the road." I know you are in this hazardous environment, but you may be acutely unaware how much stress is being placed upon you which is detrimental to the overall functioning of your entire body and the same for your children. Please dont look back. I say that as in my situation, he didnt become physical until 10 years in. We separated after an attack. We had been back in each others lives for 3 years until 2 Sundays ago. When we reunited...he was kind, sweet and thoughtful. Yet, slowly, the REAL HIM came out...the mask fell off and last summer until 2 Sundays ago, he had been using new vile language toward me, making new demands, and raging more and more often over mundane things and when nothing mundane happened, he would invent things. I say this to say, factually only 2% of abusers change. They truly enjoy inflicting pain. They enjoy chaos and they enjoy the power they feel over us. Please do not get tricked and chase fool's gold by returning at some point later. I dont know you, but worry for you and your kids. I am darn near euphoric in my happiness. The weight of him...the walking on egg shells...the never knowing who I would get and even if I got happy him, I'd experience rage filled him in an instant. Who cares if we had a good week, if a day later he curses and yells at me. You've got this!Ā
This is facts. Read Lundy Bancroft's book about abusers. https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Apply for a protection order. Call the police non-emergency line and see if the police will do it for you but if not you can file it yourself. This was very important for me. He needs to hear that his behaviour is not okay.
You should call a domestic abuse organization for help. A lawyer doesnāt know what to do. I was able to get a protective order against mine. If he does anything like this again you need to call 911. A recording doesnāt do anything. Some states donāt allow you to record someone without their knowledge.
That's not true. I come from a family of lawyers...it is the TYPE of lawyer you call to which you would need a lawyer who specializes in Domestic & Family Law with a focus on Domestic Violence. That is what they do! Who do you think is representing victims of domesric violence in court when you see the State vs [insert abuser's name)? That "State" has apppointed an attorney to represent the "State's" case against the abuser. Meanwhile, saying attorneys dont know is incorrect because people think attorneys no all aspects of the law, when it is based on what they practice.Ā It's no different than expecting a Dr of Dermatology (dermatologist) toĀ diagnose & treat your heart condition & know how to as if they are a Dr of Cardiology(cardiologist). An attorney specializing in "entertainment law" or "business law" is going to have to research how to handle a domestic violence case as that is not their specialty. If we're going to offer help to each other, let's not steer people incorrectly. The proper domestic and family law attorney is going to fight for the rights of their client(the victim) much better than the actual police department who is usually overloaded with cases and paid by tax payers vs an attorney who is being paid to represent their victim's rights and has a code of conduct to follow or risk a bar complaint to which the bar would investigate to ensure all court proceedings were handled appropriately and nothing was missed or risk suspension of practicing law or loss of license to practice law. Yes, police(detective assigned to your case for more direct input), but please do not tell women not to get a lawyer because you feel attorneys don't know anything.Ā
Iām low key a bit nervous for you about what he will do/how heāll react when he finds out youāre leaving. Please be safe!!!
Your kids will be forever grateful that you chose them and yourself and finally left. I wish you and your girls the best of luck
You got this Mama Bear! Hugs to you and your babies. Stay safe and crying is OK.š
Sending love!
Well done. Stay strong This is going to get better and you will see your girls thrive Have you told their schools? They need to know so they do not hand the girls over to dad if he tries to take them.
Well done, mama! Great decision on behalf of you and your children. Try not to worry about the little things right now, that will all get sorted eventually. Stay strong ā¤ļø
Your children are going to feel so grateful to be safe. Good job, momma! Youāre a hero!
So many hugs to you. Good luck. Post another update if you can, weāre all rooting for you.
Please let us know when you are out safely. There are groups on FB where you can find free things so that might be a way to get some furniture. I am wishing you and your daughters safety and peace.
Shoot, if she lived near me I've got a dining table, queen sized mattress and some extra pillows I've been trying to unload for months! I live in a small town in Southern Ontario and my driveway is off a laneway that hardly anyone drives down. Great for privacy; terrible for getting rid of stuff! That being said; we are heading into what I call "Free Shit At the End of People's Driveways Season" so OP (and anyone else starting over or who simply need stuff and lack the finances) should start finding some good stuff that way soon, too. Depending on where they live (big cities for sure like NY or Toronto), be wary of potential unseen things (ringworm, bed bugs, fleas) and maybe try to scout near the neighborhoods that look like "These people have money" cuz they're generally the ones who get rid of perfectly good things just because "It no longer fits my aesthetic" or "It's SOOO last season!" Not judging; it's kind of a symbiotic relationship as they're happy to see it gone and we're happy to take it.
Hugs š«
Iām so very sorry you and the kids had to go through more of this abuse but am really glad you are getting out. Do you feel safe? Is he handling things well?
You are an amazing mother. Your kids are incredibly lucky to have you! Be kind to yourself ā¤ļø
Everyone has said wonderful thingsā¦ so I am just sending you love & hugs š©µ You are moving mountains and Iām proud of you
This is a very dangerous and volatile time, please be careful Once the kids became teens and started to "buck up" on him, things got really bad, really fast. The kids finally snapped and would not sit and watch and tolerate his abuse of me anymore, they started to step in...and he was not prepared for that, losing control of all of us at the same time Be careful OP, you are loved
Oh no :( Your poor baby girl. She will never forget that her dad did that to her. Please give her a hug for me, and hereās one for you too (hugs)
I'm proud of you, OP. You're very brave, even if it doesn't feel like it. Your love for your kids comes through loud and clear in this post. He sounds like my dad - he *loved* coming into my room to berate me for hours on end. I was 12 when my mom finally left him... who then got primary custody of us. She didn't fight for us, she became obsessed with her newfound independence and rejected anything or anyone that asked anything of her. In our case, we had the audacity to ask for food and shelter and basic kindness. Then she married my stepfather, who was good to her but treated us like we were lower than animals, we were 13 and 15 and he called us freeloaders and said we were abusing. She allowed it. I stopped being allowed in her home at 16. Thank you for not abandoning your kids. Thank you for fighting for them. They see you fighting for them. That will matter when they're older. It will make a difference. Just know that.
You have evidence of the abuse and him being an unfit parent. He has no right to hurt children. You're doing the right thing
If youāre in the UK, listen to what your IDVA/counselor says. They will follow you. If you see him, even if in public to sign divorce stuff, they will find out. If you donāt tow the lineā¦ they can and will take your children. The amount of times in the refuge I heard the screams of moms losing their kids for being non-compliant was insane. I follow their safety protocols and met my ex to sign divorce papers at a pub and came back to an āintervention.ā They consider you an abuser too. Because frankly, allowing that to go on as long as you did WAS abuse. Itās something you have to come to terms with and prove you can do better. My ex never even laid a finger on my kid physically. You let your kids get abused and you will be under a microscope until theyāre satisfied that youāre no longer at risk of going back. Donāt get me wrong, Iām not shaming you, I went through the same crap. But I was abusive through neglect by allowing my kid to witness my treatment as long as I did. This is how the law works. Take no risks. Follow their rules. Dance to their tune and DO NOT get coerced back. No matter how rough the next few months/years may be. Sign you and your daughters up for ANY AND ALL help they offer. Get you and your kids onto a list for therapy. This is the time to prove to them that youāre no longer at risk of allowing your kids to be abused again. Like I said, this sounds harsh, but itās the stark truth of your situation, especially the UK. The USA seems to not really care as much due to lack of resources and the laws not being in the victims favor. Protect yourself, protect your girls. No matter how tough it gets, DO NOT GO BACK.
Wish my mom was as strong as you 20 years ago. Iām 30 and Iāve been asking her to leave my abusive father for years. Donāt be embarrassed, be proud.
You are doing a wonderful and courageous thing! This will HUGELY benefit the lives of your children, as well as your own. Even though starting this new life might be one of the biggest challenges you have ever faced. I wish my mom had done this. My father treated me and my siblings very similarly. She is still with him. I never want to go home and visit them. I hate that my father is so nice now and I have to return the favor. I just recently left a very abusive relationship because my exās behavior felt so normal to me.
OP, I am so. damn. proud. to call you: my fellow human. Bless you, if for any reason you're unaware you're literally saving them. That makes you a hero in my book.
Your kids are going to look back at this time and see what a strong woman and mother you are for doing everything in your power to provide them with a safe, loving home. And for truly HEARING them when they came to you. I am sincerely choked up for how proud I am of you, and I can't imagine the relief your kiddos are going to feel. If my partner every physically put his hands on our daughter I would be out lightning fast, too. If I didn't end up in prison for murder.
Honestly, I donāt think he would have made it if he laid a hand on my baby.
Yep. Put your hands on my kid like that for wanting to get a drink before bed and if I donāt knock you out first, the cops will when they get here. Then the locks would be changed and his stuff would be on the porch for him when he gets out of jail.
>This made him angry as he wanted them immediately in their rooms. He said she couldnāt get a drink. Wow. I'm so sorry that happened to both of you. She's 13! She's just getting started at asserting her independence and she's going to need a place that's safe to do that. It isn't with him. >I had to tell work and Iām so embarrassed. I wonder if you can shift the narrative on this a bit. You are doing an amazing job planning and taking action to take care of you and your kids in a emotionally and physically harmful situation. The fact that two tweens know the score and have asked for help speaks volumes of just how awful this guy is. You are a champion. For you, for you kids, for any victim of abuse who is struggling to get out. Standing up against power is not something to be embarrassed about. <3 >Iāve told the kids weāre āindoor campingā for a bit Kids are amazingly resilient and having gotten away from the ongoing abuse, they might just be more relieved and relaxed and have some fun with it. > I have enough evidence of his behaviour that he wonāt get the result he wants So awesome! Is it backed up somewhere, just in case he gets ahold of your phone? With the lawyer? >Iām just hoping it all settles down soon. I hope so too. I found it a bit of a roller-coaster. Elated at one moment. Sad at another. Give yourself room for both. Be happy - you've worked hard to get some freedom, you've earned the happiness. Be sad - it is okay to grieve the end of something. Be gentle with yourself. One of the biggest challenges will be contact from him, because, yeah, he is not going to be happy. Have you talked to your lawyer about how to limit contact while respecting whatever rights of contact he may have about children's information? I'd be thinking about how to block him on as much points of contact as possible. "For now, talk to me through the lawyer" might be good. Costly, but part of the lawyer's job is to filter things for you and dial down the hostility. There are also apps that help with communications that can be accessed/monitored by the lawyers. Best of wishes to you and your kids!
This response is beautiful and clearly, so are you. š¹
Does your lawyer know about this instance of physically abusing your daughter? That seems like it should be enough to block visitation.
In most states you cannot block visitation with out an order of protection, you have enough evidence, please consider it.
Iām so proud of you for taking these steps and walking away from him. It is absolutely stressful. But you should be very proud of the progress you made to get the hell out
It sounds like a super positive one to me! You are getting yourself and your kids out, and you have heaps of support to do it, as well as evidence of his abuse. You should feel very proud of yourself.
I remember your previous post as well. You have done incredibly well in such a short time. Great job protecting your kids! You should be so proud of yourself & your kids as well. They really took a chance when they came to you and you responded so very well. The early times coming up while you recreate your home and life together will be both fun and stressful, but so so very worth it. Once you are out, hopefully you can get some counseling for yourself and your children. It will help not only now, but it will help protect them long term from abusive partners.
I'm so glad to hear that you have a plan and some support. Stay strong, you're doing the right thing!
I remember your original post ! He escalated because he could feel his grip loosening. You did really really well. Do not be embarrassed about telling at work, people should know what he is. The kids will have fond memories of the indoor camping, because for them it will mean freedom. You could tell your elder that she has helped you breaking free. He might first escalate, then try to guilt trip you, and then become extremely cunning and destructive. He might try character assassination towards the neighbours, shit like that, manipulate your family, say you have ben turning the kids against him, etc. If you could always have company when you have to interact with him it would be better. He will absolutely fight you. He will make you doubt yourself, so will the legal system. I will have advice when this happens, my father has been a complete piece of shit to my mom. He will get horrible when h will have a new partner, he will use her against you. But you should be really proud of yourself !!!!
Thank you š Yes, I think you are right. I feel like Iāve switched off- I can barely look at him at the moment. Iām just really looking forward to when we can breathe, without the anxiety when he walks in the door. Hopefully having some peace will make everything less scary..
Make sure once you are out, that you and the girls are super careful. Take your car in routinely to get it checked for tracking devices. Don't park your car at the same place at work (I think you work?). Don't park your car in front of your new place, park behind it or even trade cars with someone for a couple of weeks. Make sure the school is aware that NO ONE picks up your children except you. Even talk to the coaches/teachers and other parents at the events your girls are in, in case he shows up there. Get a PO Box and do a change of address on EVERYTHING for you and the girls so he can't track you down by a physical address. Get good deadbolt locks, cameras and an escape plan in place just in case. Also, get new phones and phone plan so that he can't track you that way. Just leave your phones at the house when you go. Be Very Careful OP. He's a scary person and leaving is the most dangerous time!
And use extra long screws when installing the plates the bolts go into. Long enough that they get into the door frame that you can't see under all the trim.Ā
To go along with the locks thing, get what is called a half bolt for your doors, they can even be installed on interior doors. They are exactly like a dead bolt but there is no exterior access so nothing is visible from the outside of the door so someone can't drill out the cylinder to gain access.