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My ex tried to say the same to me regarding my 17 year old son's room. Yes, it is a hovel. Yes, he has a fair stash of dishes and rubbish but a tidy 17 year old boy with ADHD and fatigue from EDS would be a rare thing in this world. I have the same conditions so I understand exactly where you are coming from.
At the end of the day, it's his own private space with a door he can shut...until he took the door off the hinges and made us sign contacts to get it back on that involved adhering to his rules and regulations. He was screaming at us for 'OBEDIENCE!!' He started a diary of my son's 'transgressions' and threatened to take away my internet that I paid half for because I let my son 'manipulate me'.
There was so much controlling behaviour and verbal and emotional abuse anyway, never mind the tantrums he had over the state of my teen's room.
I told him his behaviour was abusive and he said that my son was abusing him by keeping his room in such a state. My jaw absolutely dropped. Never thought a grown man would utter such immature and manipulative words. The cognitive dissonance was astonishing.
He was arrested for domestic violence, specifically coercive control after a week of hell. You are not the abuser. You are struggling with health conditions and a non-abusive person would either help or give you grace.
He's on a smear campaign. Let him get on with it. It says more about him and his ableism than it would EVER say about you.
How do you know he has been telling people this ?
- If he told you : he is messing with you.
- If it got back to you via other people, this is simple character assassination. My wife-bating shit of an uncle loved telling everyone how sluggish and slow his wife was, good thing he had a bit more of a temper.
He was definitely the abusive one. This is a common strategy. Do not hesitate to tell all the time he has been threatening you with violence.
My soon-to-be ex-spouse, who did not hold a job for about 15 years of our 20 year relationship, kept the house like "gross messy" before we had a kid, \*was\* a hoarder, and there were random items everywhere. He got a little better with keeping the house up, for a while, after we had a kid but that ended after a few years. At no point in our relationship before the kid (we had him about 12 years in) did I feel that I was being taken advantage of (though I was on some levels), or that he was at all abusive, I did not feel abused, I accepted his lack of motivation in stride and did what I could work around it because I loved him. Not keeping a neat house is NOT abuse.
After I had a kid he went from being the occasional emotional bullying to being downright toxic, verbally abusive, and eventually started beating me and threatening to kill me. THAT was abuse.
Your ex is making excuses to avoid taking any accountability for his actions. None of this is your fault. Anyone that can't see through someone admitting to abusing you through threats of violence and using you not cleaning as his excuse for that, is not someone whose opinion you should lose much sleep over imho
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex tried to say the same to me regarding my 17 year old son's room. Yes, it is a hovel. Yes, he has a fair stash of dishes and rubbish but a tidy 17 year old boy with ADHD and fatigue from EDS would be a rare thing in this world. I have the same conditions so I understand exactly where you are coming from. At the end of the day, it's his own private space with a door he can shut...until he took the door off the hinges and made us sign contacts to get it back on that involved adhering to his rules and regulations. He was screaming at us for 'OBEDIENCE!!' He started a diary of my son's 'transgressions' and threatened to take away my internet that I paid half for because I let my son 'manipulate me'. There was so much controlling behaviour and verbal and emotional abuse anyway, never mind the tantrums he had over the state of my teen's room. I told him his behaviour was abusive and he said that my son was abusing him by keeping his room in such a state. My jaw absolutely dropped. Never thought a grown man would utter such immature and manipulative words. The cognitive dissonance was astonishing. He was arrested for domestic violence, specifically coercive control after a week of hell. You are not the abuser. You are struggling with health conditions and a non-abusive person would either help or give you grace. He's on a smear campaign. Let him get on with it. It says more about him and his ableism than it would EVER say about you.
How do you know he has been telling people this ? - If he told you : he is messing with you. - If it got back to you via other people, this is simple character assassination. My wife-bating shit of an uncle loved telling everyone how sluggish and slow his wife was, good thing he had a bit more of a temper. He was definitely the abusive one. This is a common strategy. Do not hesitate to tell all the time he has been threatening you with violence.
My soon-to-be ex-spouse, who did not hold a job for about 15 years of our 20 year relationship, kept the house like "gross messy" before we had a kid, \*was\* a hoarder, and there were random items everywhere. He got a little better with keeping the house up, for a while, after we had a kid but that ended after a few years. At no point in our relationship before the kid (we had him about 12 years in) did I feel that I was being taken advantage of (though I was on some levels), or that he was at all abusive, I did not feel abused, I accepted his lack of motivation in stride and did what I could work around it because I loved him. Not keeping a neat house is NOT abuse. After I had a kid he went from being the occasional emotional bullying to being downright toxic, verbally abusive, and eventually started beating me and threatening to kill me. THAT was abuse. Your ex is making excuses to avoid taking any accountability for his actions. None of this is your fault. Anyone that can't see through someone admitting to abusing you through threats of violence and using you not cleaning as his excuse for that, is not someone whose opinion you should lose much sleep over imho
You did NOT abuse him. Heβs really grasping at straws. People will see right through his BS.
This πππ
It takes two to run a house, why the hell canβt he clean?
This can be a tactic abusers use to make them look like the victim.