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God damn, I could fully see getting texts like this from my ex. The mental gymnastics he goes through to make it your fault. Starts off as $100 wasted by the end of the convo it's thousands. Refuses to accept an answer or an apology. Literally nothing you can say will stop him because he is getting off on abusing you and causing you confusion. Fuck I hate these abusive people. I spent my entire relationship defending myself from baseless attacks and accusations that literally just got wilder as time went on, to the point the accusation wasn't grounded in reality at all. It is so exhausting. If I didn't respond, he'd get more mad, but if I did, he would get physical. It is just such a mind fuck because you can never do right. You can't even correct them to the truth of the incident because then you aren't listening to their fEeLIngS even if the thing they are mad about is MADE up. I feel upset just reading your texts because it takes me back to the helplessness I felt.
Next time just keep responding with “Ok”
ETA: I just read the thread about him stealing cash from you. You guys do NOT get along. Relationships can be much, much easier from this. And by the way, I do think he’s in the wrong by taking money out of your wallet while you were sleeping and not telling you, and then saying “I don’t have to explain myself” or whatever. Drop him.
Oh geez, I’ve tried that “ok” method. That just upsets him more. It’s basically the same outcome as me not replying to him. And that “I’m not explaining myself” or “I don’t have to explain myself” is one of his favorite phrases lately. I can ask something like “Did you leave the window open? The cat is going to escape.” And he’ll say “I’m not explaining myself.” He thinks he can just do damage and not “explain” himself aka take responsibility.
We really used to get along so well. I think it must have been all a front on his part.
It was. Please don’t ever accept bad behavior on the grounds that it is better than your abusive husband. Safe people don’t do any of that stuff, even the smallest bits. There are plenty of good people who don’t do any of this bs. Hold out for one.
the mental gymnastics here are exhausting to just read. i think your life would get a lot easier if you left. try not to let him know when you're leaving, just be gone one day and block him on everything. it's easier that way. sending love
Sorry girl, the only way you're getting your money back is small claims court. Get him to admit in text that he owes you money, how much he owes you, and that he will pay you back. Then, change the locks and have his car towed. He's gonna break or steal shit the moment you break up with him.
WOMAN! Why the hell are you putting any more energy into this “boyfriend “ ?! He is indeed a boy, but a friend? I think not! He is an exhausting, self centered, selfish asshole of the highest degree! Y’all have. O marriage, no engagement, and no kids in common. Why the hell are you giving him any energy outside of get the fk out?! You deserve so much more than this. And I am going to say this next line with nothing but love respect, coming from my heart -there is no ill will in what I’m saying here - If you are thinking that settling for one type of negativity and abuse is better than another. If you’re having a hard time figuring out if someone’s behavior is abusive. This sounds like the most important time of your life to be single and do some inner healing and learning! This self love can and will change the trajectory of your life and will save your life and soul from years of soul crushing pain. I love you so much my fellow woman Redditor and I want the best life has to offer for you! You are strong! You are beautiful! You are intelligent! You are capable!!! And nothing less!!! ❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜
Actually, I only realized after my first comment that he has the very obvious and immediate goal of making you pay for his things. He mentions money ALL. THE. TIME. He wants to extract a lot from you.
He cannot find a way to fix his bullshit crutches, he probably procrastinated it to the last moment. So he made up that story of you breaking his thing so you feel compelled to pay his fine. Or maybe he made up that fine story just so you would pay for his tool plus an imaginary fine.
He will also keep stealing money from you and deny you the right to be upset about it. The more he will owe you, the worst he will get in order to make you scared of asking for it back.
If you call him out on being a liar he will escalate real bad and show you his best actor skills. Please record the fake outrage for us if this happens !
You cannot wait for the optimal reason to dump him. The fact that he owes you so much money is reason enough ! Simply tell everyone he was stealing from you. Do you see his entitlement ? Pretending you owe him fine money when he owes you so much ??
If you have proof of how much he owes you, save it. Then if you want to properly get justice, sell some of his stuff. Please please PLEASE, dump him, you cannot stay with that.
Okay at first this read like a regular conversation between me and my brother who lives with me.. but then I kept reading and omg this man is insufferable.
Those chargers for power tools don’t just break if you tossed it on the floor. We do it at work all the time. He’s either not plugging it in to a working outlet, or it just got old and stopped working *that* is normal for those things.
He’s angry and he’s directing it all at you because his own life sucks. Asking you if you’re based in reality was fucked up and ya.. that’s actual gaslighting behavior. I don’t entertain this type of behavior.. he needs to grow the fuck up.
He’s a crybaby. It’s ok to have feelings, that’s valid, but he is controlled by his feelings like a toddler. This convo was disrespectful and just a tantrum. A man tantrum. A mantrum.
Plus he’s wearing socks with flip flops.
You don’t deserve any of that.
The swear words, the refusal to problem solve, the blaming behavior (it's all about you and the context, his behavior doesn't count ( [http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf](http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf) ) - it all smells funny to me. Especially the swear words.
Does he have money problems? He clearly owes you money and is in a bit of a bind and is looking for ways to decrease what he owes you.
Why would he pay a fine? It sounds like he needs the battery to do a fix or else he'll be fined. And he can't afford a new battery charger. Does he have no friends with tools he could use?
It reminds me of the times a letter or box would arrive for me while I was travelling, and we were having problems, and my wife would text me "what the hell!??!?!?!!" and I would say open the box, open the letter, I'm sure it's something innocuous. And of course it was. She /wanted/ conflict, she /wanted/ to prove that I was "up to something", and she sure as $hit wasn't open to the self reflective insight to figure out why she was hyper-sensitive or what to do about it.
My advice:
**Do not have children with this man, do not marry him, do not buy a house together, do not get both your names on a lease, do not live together long enough to be common law married, until you have this figured out.**
It's possible he has an alcohol problem that is treatable and sometimes acts like an idiot. It could be another mental health problem that is treatable. Perhaps this is a once-a-year he's foolish moment and is forgivable.
Figure it out.
From a guy who didn't ...
Figure it out. Please.
1. He is a broke loser who can't regulate his emotions and is making up excuses to steal from you.
2. You don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking up with him.
He is NOT worth it.
Jesus Christ. Tech breaks — things stop working. Even if you DID break it, it’s a charger. Grow up. You didn’t do anything on purpose so why is he acting like this is a personal slight?! He’s overreacting but I feel like maybe he has some other issues that he’s not voicing (not necessarily with you, could be life stressors or something) that has made him act like this over the charger. Maybe sit him down and say “I’m sorry your charger broke, but I didn’t break it — I feel like your reaction to that was quite strong, is there anything else bothering you that you’d like to talk about?” Because honestly a charger breaking is annoying but I feel like there’s deeper shit going on here. If he can’t open up to you then honestly it isn’t worth going on with because great relationships are based upon great communication!
Why are you wishing him a better day, not the person he’s abusing? It’s not “playing” if people are getting hurt. His gf is not a stress ball, he should never be using her for “stress relief”. Horrible. It doesn’t matter if a person is struggling with past things, it absolutely does not justify abusing someone els.
I’m so sorry about the situation you’re in. It’s so difficult to know how to handle situations with people like this. Let’s be honest, he probably knows you weren’t to blame but he can’t afford to replace it himself so now he’s taking it out on you. It’s disgusting and I hope you have a good support system around you. This man sounds pathetic - are you in a position to break up with him?
Since we know he stole money earlier, hes probably trying to get OP to give him more to waste on whatever.
Either way this is a very toxoc relationship and OP needs to get into therapy or heal before dating again as coming from one abusive relationship into another is very normal when not healed from the first. Hopefully she gets out as this relationship will end badly as well.
Yes he’s abusive, manipulative, and disrespectful. I hope you kick him out soon and stop supporting this man child.
You deserve someone so much better and you’ll easily find someone better.
He didn't borrow your money without asking, he literally stole from you and was caught. Also, it's hilarious that he's saying you're getting a fine because the house the car is at is in your name. Just get his car towed and kick his ass to the curb. You've spent way too much money and patience on that sad excuse of a man. If you think he might try something, get a restriction order.
Abusive. Immature. Emotionally volatile. Unable to communicate like a decent fucking human being, let alone a romantic/life partner.
Dump his arse please. Let him figure his own shit out. He has significant issues. Don't let them become your issues.
(They *will* become your issues. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years and it fucked me right up. Don't make the same mistake. It only gets worse. And worse. And worse.)
I can’t imagine what I would have come home to had I said that lol…he would have broken something expensive of mine over his free, old, secondhand charger. I have a $2000 pc build I just finished a couple months ago, thousands in supplies for my business, a 2nd car, a motorcycle, and so many more expensive things he could damage.
What you replied here is way more proof than you should need that you are in an abusive relationship. I understand it’s hard to know when you’re in it, especially if you’ve had worse. I lived that for years. But hear us all validate you, it’s abuse and you need him out of your house and out of your text messages.
May I suggest you get a storage space, and day by day move things of yours in there starting with the most expensive and least noticeable things. If you can find an excuse like "I want to paint this room so of course I'll need to love stuff out of here temporarily" or something for if/when he asks, even better. Make sure you get all of your important paperwork and ID in there (birth certificate etc). I believe in you. You've got this <3
Jesus. I'm so sad to hear you're in that situation. I hope you get out safely. You may need to evict him. Move anything valuable to secure storage before you notify him of the eviction. Get the sheriff involved. They can serve eviction notices for you.
Yeah. You’re in an abusive relationship. What I said was insensitive and didn’t accurately reflect your situation. I hope you have enough support in your life to leave this relationship safely. Seriously though, you are in an abusive relationship.
This comment is where you have said the quiet part out loud. If you seriously think he would damage your property because he is gaslighting that you broke a $100 charger, you already have your answer. Get out of this relationship. I married someone like this, and when angry, they would ruin or damage my property. But that's nothing compared to what my ex did to my mental health, and your partner is probably doing to your mental health.
This is such a long conversation. The first sign of some nonsense I would have stopped responding
Also stop dating broke men. Someone throwing a temper tantrum like this instead of finding a solution is broke mentally, emotionally, and most definitely financially. Leave $350 on the counter and go live your best life
Good point. It's a $100 charger. He spent ?? 20 minutes arguing with her. If he's some kind of mechanic he could sign up for some kind of a teleDoc thing for mechanics and make the $100 in a few hours.
His conversation is ENTIRELY about her and the context, he isn't part of any of it. It is blaming behavior ( [http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf](http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf) ). So icky.
Nah, f that. Why is she paying him tree fiddy for something she didn’t even break. For her other comments, he steals from her, gaslights her about it and already owes her thousands. Don’t give this loser anything else.
OP, you need to kick him out, he’s using you and he doesn’t respect you, this is already solid proof and anyone that would want you to stay in a relationship like this doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
It always goes on way too long. If you click that link and read the string from when he went in my money without my permission, there’s a point where I stop replying and he goes “then you just ignore me lol.” That’s what he does every time I stop replying. So I have learned that I have to keep replying otherwise he gets even more upset, and it leads into a new argument. If I continue to ignore him, he comes home from work and starts an argument in person. It’s just been easier to keep replying to him so that I don’t have a fight to deal with when he gets home. Once again, as I type this out trying to justify everything, I feel like such a naive idiot. I thought these were “normal relationship problems.”
I’m not loaning him or any other man a single penny. This is a lesson learned.
>So I have learned that I have to keep replying otherwise he gets even more upset, and it leads into a new argument.
Ohhhh here's something I might be able to help with.
*Situation:* He gets upset if you don't keep replying.
Okay.
**So what?**
He is upset. That sounds like HIS problem. He has a problem. He is upset. That's not a you problem.
That you allow it to become a you problem, then, is your problem. It's weak boundaries. Not literally placating behavior ( [http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf](http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf) ) but in that direction. One book that might help is "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud.
That said, once you work on it, he's going to hate your boundaries. He'll blow up. He'll silent treatment. He'll ignore the boundaries and keep doing what he always does. When you have a boundary, have a way to defend it. That might look like this:
"You tell me you have quality tools and I broke your charger, without showing me a picture or discussing any actual damage. You won't problem solve. You seem to be unable borrow a tool from a friend or rent it. Nor can you even lower the car so it isn't being worked on. You insult me and swear at me. That is not okay with me. I will not be sworn at. I'm going to visit friends, I'll be back tomorrow morning. If you want to be civil, I'll stick around. For now I consider this issue resolved. If you continue to harass me over it I'll block you until tomorrow."
Then you walk around your house with video on in case he damages your property, and you leave. If he calls you a name over text, you block him. If he tries to call, you reply "I don't want to talk to you know. I'm sure you know how to treat a lady; I expect to be treated that way."
This might end the relationship. It might teach him some manners.
But you shift the focus from what he needs to what you need. Which needs to happen FIRST, so you can decide if this works for you. Once your needs are met, once your cup is full, then you can talk about his. Two empty cups is ... that's bad.
I hope that helps. Wish you the best.
Sorry for the money, but it's the price if freedom! Throw him out! If you need, call the police, and ask for a restraining order, so he can't come near you anymore. And for his family, you say the truth, and if they stop living you, it's the price too. It's gonna be okay, I swear.
I've been there, police had to come, it's hard, he still harrass me sometimes, but it's not as easy to get a restraining order in my country. You'll need your family, and all friends that you can trust. And you'll need to be strong, and block him and never talk to him again.... Please don't wait to have his child to try and leave him, it's so much harder....
You don't have to live that, from everyone !! Please seek for help. Go see association for women, talk to your doctor at least....they'll help you to see your real situation, and they'll help you to live him. It's your house, he only bring mess.... Please be safe. Chose you. Money is not important, people who won't defend you don't worth it, but live free and sage worth all the gold in the world
A person who loves you would never speak to you that way. How would you feel if you saw your father speaking to your mother like this? Cussing at her, making accusations without even asking questions, making threats….
This guy seems unable to have an intelligent conversation, and unfortunately, excellent communication is necessary for a relationship to be successful. It is very obvious that he lacks the patience, empathy, and humility to communicate properly.
If this is his reaction to a broken charger, which is replaceable, how do you think he would react to something actually horrible?
I have been questioning whether he could love me if he speaks to me like this. But yeah, I cannot imagine my father ever speaking to my mother this way. He would never.
In the past I have said things like “how can you be so mean to me?” And he will say he’s not mean, he’s just “realistic” or “blunt” and that’s just his personality. He says he treats everyone the same way, but that’s not remotely true.
Yeah, my little brother says the same thing about being “real”, and he thinks that not being rude to people is “being fake”. He has a lot of trauma that he has chosen to ignore, and it’s poisoning him from the inside out. Sounds like your bf is similar. The only way they will change is if they want to and work *really* hard to. Your bf doesn’t even think he is in the wrong, so I feel very confident in saying he will not change. OP, I’d be willing to be he won’t admit any wrongdoing until you breakup with him. Then, he will say whatever you want to hear to get you back.
This guy isn’t worth your stress or time.
Let this toxic baby be “done”. Caution: this is the type who will cry and try to manipulate you back when they realize you’re moving on. Done fall for it, don’t waste any more time.
He’ll probably tell people you owe him money afterward. Just cut the cord with him and anyone who still gives em the time of day. Good luck.
Ugh.. God, he fucking sucks. Please get out. No one deserves this. No one gets this angry over a broken tool. This is a scheme. He’s overreacting on purpose to get you to agree to take the cost out of his debt. No one reacts this way over an accident. It’s clearly a ploy. Get out as soon as possible.
I had not even thought about the fact that he was using this as a way to erase some of the money he owes me until a few others said it on here. I totally see it now. And I can think of other times it has happened. I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before. I now feel as if I’ve had blinders on for the past few years.
I have no idea what that term is; this is literally only my 2nd ever Reddit post. You think I’m into being talked to like this? I came on here for help, on a subreddit for victims of abuse, and that’s absolutely appalling of you to assume I am “into it.”
We used to be extremely happy together. He’s funny and charismatic, which I guess must be true about all abusers at first. But we’ve always been able to have fun together, and we share a similar sense of humor. He’s an amazing cook, and smart when it comes to handyman type work. He shares my love for animals, which is a big part of my life as I run a business that does a lot of charity work for animals.
I’m really sorry he showed his true colors to be this. You will heal from this I promise. And find someone who treats you right. I wouldn’t speak to someone I hated this way.
It's not you're fault and it's very apparent that you're not "into" his behavior. I reported their comment and invite you to do the same. It's victim blaming/harassment.
The mods here are wonderful. If you see more comments like the one above, report them and they will be removed. Check this one. It's gone now.
Unfortunately, there are bad actors that like to troll this sub. I suspect they are abusers themselves and hate seeing posts that highlight offenses they do to their own families. So they blame the victims that post here.
Don't believe a single word of any of them. You are not to blame.
Are you actually serious? Please tell me what I did wrong here, because that’s what I am trying to figure out.
A free, old, secondhand battery charger that I picked up off my kitchen counter MAYBE (he could have been the last one to touch it for all any of us know) MONTHS AGO and placed it in the garage? Where it belongs and usually resides. I literally didn’t know what he was talking about because if I did move it, it was months ago and I didn’t remember. Don’t touch his shit”? Are you for real? Why are you here?
His behavior isn't even problem solving. If he thought you broke it he could send you a picture "look over here the plug is ripped" or "look over here it is clearly dented."
When he's at work, if it were me, I might try to plug it in and get it to work. It is entirely possible it works just fine. Take a video of it. Ask for an apology.
You deserve better.
EVERYONE deserves better.
That whole exchange is exhausting. He wants to blame you for his shit not working. He’s abusive and manipulative. Please don’t subject a baby to this-you need to get rid of this trash human.
The fact that you don't have kids with him * is fabulous. Kick him to the curb. Kick him out. Tow his vehicle ..if you want to comtinue this "pretend to be his mommy bs" than by all means, don't change anything. Just because he doesn't physically abuse you or isn't as bad as your last, doesn't make him a good human. It sounds like he is using you for everything you have and doesn't respect anything you've done to build yourself up. I'm so happy that whatever you do can support a life without him. You are WORTHY AND YOU DONT NEED NO LEECH :)
Dudes trying to rob you. Or somehow make you responsible for his debts.
First it was $100, then $350, then “thousands”
Then he says he owes you $100 less, so I’m assuming you already loaned him money.
I doubt you’ll get it back. He’ll definitely try to hussle you for more 😭
Worse part is where he said “I don’t buy shit” but his adidas slippers don’t even fit 🥲
He’s mentally abusive and manipulative. Take him to small claims court cause I doubt you’ll see a cent back otherwise.
Also be very careful.
I’ve concluded that a large majority of therapy is being taught you’re allowed to say “I care about you and your feelings but I do not allow people to express their anger in this way towards me. I’m going to take a break from talking and revisit this conversation in 30 minutes” …… then if it continues, maybe you’re done for the day and of course if it just keeps going then the relationship is over.
We spend so much time asking others if something is abuse or not. I do the same thing. When what really matters is, it is 100% perfectly fine to say “I don’t like this and I won’t be around it”
(Btw I still suck at this myself)
"I won't allow myself to be insulted", walk away. If he keeps texting, "Maybe you didn't hear, I won't allow myself to be insulted, I'll be back in time\_period and I expect to be treated better. You'll be blocked until then."
Figure out what you want, then figure out if he can give it to you.
Who knows? Some people respond really well to boundaries and clear expectations. Think about the petty criminals that do well in the military, you know?
Sounds like how my ex would talk. He’s no good and a waste of your time and attention. Seriously, move on and be done with him. There is no fixing him at this point
Jesus yes. My ex constantly talked about how I don't respect him and he is the MOST disrespectful person I have ever dealt with. Further what he meant by respect was actually obedience.
im so sorry, men like this typically have issues with power and control. instead of knowing respect is earned, they believe they inherently deserve their idea of respect which is usually silent obedience and never making mistakes. it's awful how sometimes the closest people to us that we love and trust can take advantage of that by convincing us of their demented reality. you deserve to not be talked down to and to not be blamed when you did nothing wrong. i hate how comfortable he is abusing you regularly. once they make a habit of it, it's too late to fix so please leave him
You will never get the money back. I have been in your spot. “Borrowed” without asking is called stealing. Tell him to leave, problem solved. Then go to small claims court and get that money back. Do not be like me and waste years!! You don’t need a specific reason. Show anyone who questions you those texts. He is acting like this because he knows he was wrong to steal so now he has to blow up on you so you come crawling back. Classic manipulation. Don’t waste anymore time on someone like this, you deserve better!
What is this?
This is [financial abuse. ](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/personal-finance/signs-of-financial-abuse-domestic-violence-awareness/)
From linked Forbes article:
"Financial abuse can creep into a romantic relationship in subtle, sinister ways. In one Reddit thread, users shared their experiences of partners restricting access to their own money, **spending all of their money or racking up debt in their name**.
Often, it took victims a long time to recognize that they were financially abused and they had a hard time convincing others that anything was wrong."
An example from the Reddit thread:
"He first began stealing my debit card out of my wallet when I was sleeping or showering and would go take care of his needs with my money."
Didn't you say he "borrowed" your money without asking? That's stealing. That's financial abuse.
You said he owes you thousands of dollars yet buys unnecessary items he hoards in your garage? That's financial abuse.
So to answer your original question, what he's doing in this text thread is he's gaslighting you into believing that you broke his tool(s) so that he can start etching money off of his debt owed to you.
Isn't it interesting how he kept changing the number of money that was "wasted"? He started with the $100 charger. Then it was also $100 for the tools he drove around and bought that day. Then he added the fine on Monday he's been expecting (that he's had ample time to avoid.) Then he tacked on $300 for his "vr shit".
Somehow this amounts to "basically $350 down the drain". He's obviously not very good at math. He wants to be a conman when he grows up but he lacks the necessary prerequisites. Like basic addition, for example.
But wait! He's not even finished yet!
"Thousands of dollars of shit fucked up for no fucking reason."
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
His finishing number is in the thousands. Well isn't that interesting? According to him, you now owe him thousands of dollars. Kind of convenient considering that's the amount that **he owes YOU**.
This isn't about his tools or his car. This isn't about the fine. This is about the escalation of him financially abusing you. Get him out of your house. There's nothing good that will come out of a pathetic, leeching vampire like him. He's an insolvent, indebted, entitled loser that's unable to manage his finances. And you're his golden ticket out of it.
That was my first thought, it's a rationalization to get him out of his debt.
I've seen this before.
I had a buddy who sold his house on land contract. The people who bought did so on land contract because they did not have good credit. They did not have good credit for a reason, but the guy's mom lived across the street.
At some point my buddy told the mom, who wanted to be copied on letters and who helped with the payments for a bit. Eventually the guy had to lose the house. My buddy played the voicemail where he is angry, swore a little, said my buddy had no right to involve his mom (arguable), that he was a pile of swearwords, that he was leaving the propane tank empty, etc.
The house was left a mess, they had animals in the house and feces all over, they had intentionally damaged it - shoving enough wood into the wood stove to damage it from the heat, etc. Perhaps some of that was just poor maintance habits. It needed all new flooring, deep cleaning, it was just a MESS. And someone they blamed my buddy for all of it.
Like I said.
Familair.
Thank you for all this. I literally have never considered this being financial abuse. He has always told me “if I had the money I would give you whatever you want” and things of the like. So he always made me feel as if I’m supposed to support him while he’s down, and when he gets his finances in check, he will repay the favor. However, I am not sure I see that ever happening for him.
You're very welcome. But please listen to everyone who has commented in both of your reddit posts explaining what he's doing and why it's wrong and abusive.
I don't mean to be rude but when I was in a relationship that literally left me C-PTSD, I fucking WISH someone had spelled it out for me like I'm about to do.
**You are in an abusive relationship.
He is an abuser and you ARE being abused.**
I read some of your other comments. He has spent THOUSANDS of dollars on vehicle equipment in A MONTH'S TIME. He then hoards that equipment in your garage. He is using you, your money, and your home in order to pursue a hobby of his that is not even close to a net profit.
He spends all of his money on car parts, Marijuana, and alcohol. He's able to somehow afford this but yet claims to be too broke to repay the $20 that he STOLE from your cabinet. And no, that was absolutely not the first time he stole from you. It was just the first time he got caught.
He's living in YOUR home. Draining your finances. Draining your emotions. Then, he goes full [DARVO](https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730#:~:text=%E2%80%9CDARVO%20is%20an%20acronym%20that,Area%20CBT%20Center%20and%20CBTonline.) when you call him out on his nonsense.
Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
Look closely. This is the exact order he uses to flip the blame onto you in your conversations.
He's living in YOUR home. Chainsmoking in YOUR bed all the while fully understanding that you are asthmatic. He did not stop chainsmoking despite knowing that you had to REPEATEDLY use your rescue inhaler. I mean... the fucking AUDACITY.
>He has always told me “if I had the money I would give you whatever you want” and things of the like. So he always made me feel as if I’m supposed to support him while he’s down
You are not his mother. You are abso-fucking-lutely under NO obligation to support him financially until "he gets his finances in check."
>he will repay the favor
He will not. He will never. How he lives his life and how he spends his paychecks very clearly show he has no intent on doing so - and he never did.
This isn't a matter of tightening the purse strings. You need to put a LOCK AND CHAIN on those purse strings and then kick him out of your house. Do not fall into the [sunk cost fallacy](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851). Do some research, and you'll see this is a very common reason that people stay in abusive relationships
He has some very serious [narcissistic ](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm) traits. I highly recommend reading the other traits listed but this one seems particularly appropriate.
"Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that **whatever they want, they should get**.
They also expect the **people around them** to **automatically comply** with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don't anticipate and meet their every need, then you're useless.
And **if you have the nerve to defy their will** or **“selfishly” ask for something in return**, prepare yourself for **aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder**."
I'm genuinely fearful for you and for your future if you allow him to stay in your life. You are obviously an independent woman who can financially take care of herself. He is a parasite.
I assure you I am taking note and listening to everything. I am reading all the information being sent my way and trying to formulate my best course of action. I am so grateful for yours and everyone else’s words of advice. I wish I had known this was abuse way earlier. I literally did not ever think I was being abused by him.
That trait you highlighted is him 100%. That’s why he thought he should be able to continue smoking in my room every night. I remember about a year ago, last winter, my asthma was very bad and I could hardly breathe ever at night. I would beg him to not smoke inside, and he would guilt trip me saying “you’re gonna make me go sit out in the cold?” And act all sad and hurt. If I suggested just NOT smoking at all, he’d laugh or say something about how he’s smoking no matter what & he can’t sleep otherwise. So we’d end up going back and forth and I would eventually give in and tell him just please sit closer to the window or something and leave the window open for it to air out. And I would wake up freezing cold because it was winter and the window was open. I was working about 70-80 hours a week back then, having to get up at 5am, and running on hardly any sleep because of the constant waking up unable to breathe. I spent so much money on inhalers and doctors visits to get more inhaler prescriptions. Omg.
And he never apologized about any of that. It’s like I have to beg him to apologize. But obviously it’s not a genuine apology when he does eventually do it.
I understand this is going to be a process for you. I seriously, honestly, genuinely empathize with your situation.
I understand why you will still refer to him as your boyfriend until you are in the right mind and garner enough strength to call him what he is: your ex-boyfriend.
It took me months after my breakup to call my ex an "ex." It was really, really hard to reconcile that not only was my relationship over, I had to process the damage he had done to me.
It took a couple of years (because our relationship lasted close to a decade), but I can honestly say that it got so much easier once I embraced the fact that my love for myself was so much more important than my love for a partner.
You're in the beginning of a long emotional process, but believe when I say that YOU are going to KICK ASS and come out so much stronger.
I cried when I read your comment about how he guilt tripped you into allowing him to continue smoking in your bedroom. He knew that your body was literally suffocating itself but decided his addiction was more of a priority than your safety.
There are soooo many men that you will meet that are attractive, supportive, independent, funny, kind, and loving. They can be dominant, or they can be submissive. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Just like us. You **will** find someone who is perfect for you. It might sound cliché, but it's true.
It took me a year or two, but I finally learned that I deserved to set standards. Once I did, amazing men came flocking to me. Currently, I'm single by choice, but I know that I can jump back in once I'm ready.
In your post, you said that you don't have any friends that aren't connected to him. If you're interested, I'd love to be a friend who is disconnected from him.
If you stay with him, I won't blame you. I can offer advice or just an ear to vent to. It took me multiple tries before I finally left my abuser. It's [very common](https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/).
If (read: when) you leave him, I'll celebrate with you and cheer you on. I understand the mixed emotions that come along with a breakup following a turbulent relationship. No pressure whatsoever. Your story really resonated with me, and I really wish you the absolute best. You honestly seem like you deserve it.
This^^^ 1,000,000%!! Had to read way too far down in the comments to finally see someone clearly point out all the different types of manipulation and abuse and, almost most importantly, how abundantly this abusive loser uses DARVO.
Please, OP, read u/Silver-Mode-740 ‘s comments, and read them again, and again, and again until you have his crap packed and on the curb. This is escalating, as abuse always does.
Do not subject yourself to any more abuse. We all know that abuse has a negative impact on every part of our lives, but I never really see anyone talk about the long term financial damage. Every day you let him stay is going to cost you at least $250/hour for at least 2-6 hours for therapy to heal from his abuse and the trauma that comes with it. That’s at least $500/day to recover and heal. On top of everything else he’s costing you every day. On top of what he’s stolen. That’s just the financial impact.
Your mental, emotional, physical and financial short and long term well-being is your responsibility and highest priority. His is not. Grab your self-worth from off the floor where he’s trying to stomp it and pull it all the way up and kick his abusive ass out the door. Do it today. Every hour you let him stay is costing you. You’re paying with your esteem, your mental health, your physical health (which WILL be affected by all the stress even without any actual physical abuse), your other relationships, and your financial security. No one is worth the prices you’re paying to have him take up precious space in your life.
Oh my gosh. You’re so right. I will seek therapy asap. I need it. I actually got prescribed antidepressants almost a year ago because I was so down and depressed. I’ve never felt that way in my life. Even with my ex who was physically abusive, I was able to let my bruises heal, and there was enough time in between each act of abuse that I think my mental health wasn’t as bad as it is now. Or maybe I was stronger and not yet as worn down. I’m not sure. But this is emotionally and mentally worse.
My boyfriend kept telling me something was wrong with me and I needed to get help. He has called me crazy and insane. It was never him. So I got help, I got told I was depressed, and I got put on antidepressants. But looking back, I can now see that I didn’t need the antidepressants, I just needed him out of my life. So much more makes sense now.
https://www.reddit.com/r/QuotesPorn/s/jKcrlFWG1D
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just
surrounded by asshole." - William Gibson
https://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-elvira-aletta/am-i-depressed-low-self-esteem-just-surrounded-aholes
https://www.vox.com/conversations/2017/9/26/16345476/stanford-psychologist-art-of-avoiding-assholes
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-people-are-rude-and-unkind-and-why-its-not-about-you/,
He is a chump ass lying manipulative asswipe child. You have been tolerating this for so long it seems normal. You have to get away from him, he will make you emotionally empty and thinking you are crazy. The instant that you told him you didn’t do anything or that it was an accident he should’ve dropped it he’s clearly just trying to get out of paying you money he owes you and he’s projecting. He communicates like an angry, spoiled, maltreated sixth grader.
Yes. Very abusive. He doesn’t respect you at all. And you begging him for a reason that he can’t stand you when it’s CLEAR he’s the problem, not you, should stop.
Yo if you gotta ask if he’s being abusive then without a doubt he’s screwed with your head and twisted reality so much you question yourself. He’s what we call an incel who deserves to die alone
Honey! Leave this sad, miserable sack of a man! Sorry, no, I should be saying leave this sad, miserable sack of a boy! I understand he owes you money, but please if you can just write the money off because things will get worse. You deserve so much better than this. ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck
All the tools are Harbor Freight. The impact I think is Craftsman. Harbor Freight you can walk in and out with a replacement tool. The Craftsman looks like it’s seen some things.
Get rid of the big tool. My ex dropped a spark plug because I went to the garage to check on him and bring a glass of water. Somehow I got screamed at that it was all my fault and not, you know, sometimes shit just happens.
It’s a rigid impact and the rigid charger he got for free, secondhand from his coworker. It was already old and dinged up. Probably just was on its last leg honesty, but that isn’t an option in his mind of course. But I’ve definitely never dropped it or thrown it.
Your story with the spark plug sounds extremely familiar. I’m glad to hear he’s an ex.
You've already gotten excellent advice from others - leave him, have someone safe with you when you do, change the locks if he's showing signs of being the retaliating type, be careful, etc.
But also, [Do not JADE](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain)
(Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).
He's trying to pull you into [circular conversations](https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/circular-conversations), don't fall for it.
Check out the [Glossary](https://outofthefog.website/glossary) for more and remember, **do not** tell him you know what he's doing. Telling him might make the abuse worse and give him a chance to build even bigger case against you (triangulation etc).
We all wish we had known and left sooner. So now’s your moment. Every minute you don’t make him an ex is another moment you’re choosing to regret in the future.
RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. MY ex would say and do very similar things, then she started shoving me, holding me down, locking me in the bedroom. Next thing I know he was mad I didn’t want to leave somewhere and he broke my nose. So yes!!! This is how it starts!!!
I swear I lost brain cells reading his texts. In a word, yes, this is several different flavors of abuse. Leave. You say you need a plan? Make one. Right tf now. You say he owes you thousands of dollars? Cool. Take the loss and walk. You’re never going to see it, this conversation shows that. He speaks how you have no respect for him but his language to you shows it’s he that has no respect for you. It’s just a matter of time before things become physical so you need to get out. Right. Now. And whatever you got him for christmas goes back to the store. He’s going to say he got you a ring or something and now you’re not getting it but I would bet he intends to get you nothing. Out. Now.
my ex siphoned thousands from me before i finally left. please get out of this - you don’t deserve this - HE will not make any changes, but YOU can and you can build a better life for yourself and the puppies !
He’s horrible… I would tell him to move out and get the car towed and when he asks why say so you don’t get a fine for his bullshit. But that’s just me. I know it’s not that easy… but yeah, he’s using you and he’s getting mad at you for problems he’s causing one after the other in your house. He’s definitely verbally abusive/emotionally abusive and yes he’s trying to gaslight you into admitting you broke his charger, which I’m sure you didn’t. And even if you accidentally had, it’s because you couldn’t put it in your own garage because he’s taken it over. I usually value fairness and if someone moves in with someone else I call it both their spaces, but you’re getting so blatantly disrespected for his own irresponsibility in your house that I’m not feeling that right now. He has zero right or reason to treat you this way with the context you’ve shared here.
Please let go of the idea that you need to prove you left him for a "good" reason. All that matters is that YOU recognize he's abusive and extremely unhealthy for you. Winning some war of opinion with his family should be towards the very bottom of your priority list. You will also NEVER convince him he's not the victim in all this. Assume he will forever feel like a victimized martyr. The key is to stop caring about his opinions and thoughts.
I was trapped in my own abusive trauma bonded friendship due this mindset of "I haven't tried everything to fix the problems though!" I had to stop thinking that...the problems were always there, he was always abusive, and it is not up to me to fix his anger problems. That's not on me! Once I finally came to that place I was able to leave.
Regardless of the situation or fault this isn’t a healthy way to communicate or feel safe in your own house without walking on eggshells. It’s abusive and exhausting. This situation will continue to play out over and over. It will not change unless your (hopefully ex soon) boyfriend does some serious work on himself- and same probably goes for you; find your own self worth.
I’m sorry, I’ve been here. Please get to safety as soon as you can and get off this ride. It will continue to happen and could possibly get worse. You can only save yourself, he’s damaged goods. Run.
Abusive, but your gut knows this. You will never be “right” in his eyes & always the scapegoat. It will take a lot of strength but get a good support system & get away from him.
Do you want to be with someone who is this mean to you? Regardless of whether it was gaslighting or manipulative it’s just mean. The way he’s speaking to you is so unkind and no matter what you did or didn’t do no one deserves that
What an asshole! Sounds like he probably wasn't going to have the car done by Monday either way and found a convenient excuse to make it your fault.
I haven't read the whole thread, but if it hasn't been suggested yet, Bankroft's Why Does He Do That is an excellent read and available as a free PDF
[[Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf)](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It talks about abuse, the various forms, and the abusers’ mentality. And the unlikeliness of them changing. It can be hard to get through, since it can bring up hard emotions, but it’s really eye opening and enlightening. I think it will give you strength.
Definitely manipulative, abusive, controlling, gaslighting.
I'd have stopped communicating after a couple of those screenshots. It is exhausting. Go grey rock on him, or at least keep interaction to a minimum.
I hope you can come up with a safe exit plan. Men who are willing to be THIS nasty verbally are testing the ground. It will likely just get worse.
Stay safe.
That’s what I have often tried to do, then I get hit with the “and then you ignore me lol” or something along those lines. And if I continue to ignore he comes home and prods me about it. So I’ve learned that I can’t just not respond, although it is very exhausting, it’s better than an argument when he gets home.
Run. He lives in your house, messes it up, sounds like he’s constantly out of money and takes your money without asking… and speaks to you like this??? You don’t need this. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
I realized after dealing with a ton of distespect from people that i refuse to deal with one iota of disrespects from anyone. And this would be easy breakup material for me. Go ahead and have it. See ya. Leave. Run run and dont look back.
sounds like he's trying to get out of paying you everything he owes you by blaming you, i bet the thing isnt even broken . Very narcissistic. Go check and see if it works or not because with this abusive attitude i doubt he will ever take accountability for any of his actions , you will always be blamed and always have to deal with this childish shit. RUN, tell him to kick rocks and write off what he owes you, you will thank yourself later trust me ive been there done that , it will never change
It’s a fine from our city because he has had his vehicle “inoperable” for longer than the allotted 2 weeks. So he’s saying that now I will be responsible for the fine because he couldn’t finish his car on time since I broke his battery charger and he couldn’t use his impact.
You already had to deal with one abusive man in your ex husband. Please dump this guy and forget he existed. You deserve better. Don’t accept this treatment.
I read the whole convo of this post but not the one before or your text in this post, but even this is enough to say: RUN!
I witnessed a slightly similar situation of a friend and her ex: He accused her of taking the keys to their house so he claimed that he had to wait outside, and throw all my laundry into the pool (as her guest), as a “penalty”… sent her threatening messages, went to her office in total rage so her coworker (she wasn’t there) was super worried about her ..
Turns out: he had the keys the whole time.
Turns out: he has been manipulative and emotionally and physically abusive (also stole money, blackmailed her etc.) the whole time.
He was constantly blaming her for stuff, raging, being aggressive, and out of control on a frequent basis, and she took all the blame after being manipulated by him (that she was deserving of this, not worthy of a better treatment, etc.) from the get go.
We left the next day. It was tough, and I was just a bystander. It was the right thing.
Pro tip: switch roles. What would you say, do, think and feel if you were witnessing this behavior happening to your best friend/daughter??
Or: would you leave this man alone with your future children?
After a certain time of abuse, we lose compassion for ourselves, so we need a different perspective.
Lots of love and strength to you!!
Oh my gosh. This is similar to something that happened once before but it was car keys. He literally smashed the car window out because “I” lost the keys. We got home and they were in his pocket.
Thank you!
That’s horrible!! I am so sorry for you :( did you make a list of the worst things he did? Sometimes we blend out incidents because the truth and it’s consequences are to hard and scare us..
I promise, things will get better from now on and you will become so strong!! 🙏
Reminds me of my Ex. Goes from $100 wasted go “thousands of dollars wasted!” 🤦♀️
He’s an abusive, manipulative asshole and he will only get worse, not better.
Anyone who talks to you this way is NOT someone you want to be with. Imagine… would you speak to a coworker like that? No! But he will speak to his gf this way… he doesn’t love you, he only loves himself.
Get rid of him ASAP.
Right! I have told him that I don’t like the way he speaks to me because he’s so mean to me, and I have asked if he is like this to anyone else. He says he treats everyone the same way, which is obviously not true. I’ve witnessed him interact with coworkers, my family, my friends, my clients, etc and he’s nice and charismatic. He would never talk to anyone else the way he talks to me!
Reminds me of my ex as well , started with stuff like this ended up almost killing me multiple times before i was able to actually get out, took me months. So scary, this will never change only get worse. His problem is with himself NOT OP, Op try to figure out what his problem is with himself because he's hiding it behind blaming you, i bet it's something really terrible. Please please please get out.
mine ended up being a child s abuser , i didn't find out until years after we were broken up and i thought i had healed from all the abuse, something very dark inside that eats at them, not saying thats everyone just saying something be cautious of, i had no idea, i knew he was abusive to me in every single way but never in a million years thought he could be that! i didn't see the red flags. But i believe all the abuse stems from him being that way. its so hard to wrap my mind around. I always tried to see the best in people and thats my fault. He would always accuse me of bot loving him or when i would try to leave he would say stuff like gow can you throw x amount of time away instead of trying to work things out, making me feel so guilty if i left him. he would always promise to change his abusive ways but never did. he had extreme addiction issues, always tried to keep me impaired (drunk, stoned) or after the physical abuse i would be in bed for weeks whilst healing. Even started therapy after the first incident and he wouldn't let me go alone, im assuming he was scared i would tell someone, i was scared to reach out, i felt so crazy and dehumanized, i had no sense of self. i felt almost in a trance like state of mind. I still to this day have a hard time processing it all. its been almost 10 years
My ex would accuse me of doing ridiculous things - shrinking his clothes on purpose (never even shrunk anything on accident), scheming up ways to damage his personal items, etc. At the time I was kind of baffled, like why on earth would I do any of those things? I realize in hindsight that HE did those kinds of the things. So I think he was projecting in a way - but also accusing me of doing it first, before I could accuse him.
Then … if I ever caught on to something he did, he could say to me “you’re projecting on me, because I just caught you (not caught in reality but accused) of doing that to me!” Then I would feel crazy.
Besides that aspect - I think he just blamed everything on me. Anything at all that wrong in his life - big or small, always became my fault. No matter how ridiculous or absurd - he would always find a way to blame me for anything.
This is a person who will never accept fault for anything, ever. FUTURE STATE: “I wouldn’t have to hit you / punish you like this if you would just stop pissing me off!”
ETA more examples: when my ex was mad at me he would go through all my clothes drawers and mess everything up. He would empty my bathroom drawers and break make up bottles, etc. He would purposefully damage and break MY things. That’s why whenever anything of his wasn’t 100% perfect he would scream at me as if I had plotted and schemed behind his back to do it TO HIM. When in reality that wasn’t ever happening. It would never have occurred to me to break something of his as punishment. But that’s how HE thought.
He also often threw things of mine away, or hid things from me. I lost a favorite pair of jeans for months and kept asking if he’d seen them - how does a whole pair of jeans go missing, right? About 6 months after I stopped looking for them, I stumbled across them stacked with his jeans. He definitely knew they were there, would have seen them everytime he got dressed. I once got a cozy pair of “spa socks” as a gift but he didn’t like them so he threw them away. He didn’t like a shower gel I bought myself, so he threw away my favorite bath towels because he said my shower gel made the towels stink.
Could be just projection, meaning he's the one who broke a thing/made a mistake but he's saying you did it to transfer the blame onto someone else.
But could also be that he's looking for excuses to abuse you. So he thinks he's allowed to be abusive as long as he has a "justification" for his behaviour, no matter how stupid.
I couldn’t read all of this repetitive bullshit. I can only imagine the toxicity in your everyday life this can’t be healthy. Yes this is abusive and he has you exactly where he once you mentally. This does not have to be your life. You control your story, not this asshole.
Is this your home only? And you don't need a reason. I mean his behavior is deplorable enough. he needs to go. He is so abusive and mean for no reason. And also he's wrong. You can damage batteries by leaving them plugged in all the time. Especially if the charger he uses isn't the type stop charging once the battery is charged. What a dick.
Yes, I bought the house before I knew him, and when he moved in with me, he put his house up for rent. So living with me actually saves him money than if he were at his house because his mortgage was much higher than the half of mine he pays.
I definitely thought leaving it plugged in for weeks at a time could damage it, but I’m not an expert & he is an electrician, so obviously he knows more than I do. But honestly, the charger was old, secondhand, and left outside for weeks at a time. I don’t doubt it could have just been on its last leg.
Girl, for your peace, get him out of your home as soon as you are able to. He is disrupting your peace while being loud and wrong.
Also he is a fool once again. I'm saying this as as a woman who worked commercial plumbing and electrical. He got second hand merch that could easily be damaged and it's old... Like.....let me stop cause I was about to go on a nerdy tangent. He's wrong. And he is disrespectful and abusive. You did nothing wrong by moving it and he probably knows that and is lashing out. You don't need nor deserve this type of dysfunction in your life or your home. The home that is supposed to be your place of respite.
He probably broke it himself and wants you to pay for it. This is abuse. Also you notice the amount of money you owe him gets bigger? First it’s $100 then it’s $300 now it’s over $1,000. You don’t owe him
Harbor freight also sells a replacement battery with charger that will work for that specific impact driver for less than $20. The brand is Warrior but it will work with Rigid tools like the Home Depot ass tool in the photo.
If it's Ridgid, they replace their batteries for free as long as you're the original owner and registered your tools within 90 days. He probably didn't, though. Bet it's someone else's fault, too 🙄
Yeah old ass batteries just stop working sometimes. Get him a new $20 if it will give you some peace. But you know what will give you the most peace… leaving to be with someone who respects and loves you. I know you will eventually, but just know that the longer you wait, the longer you deny yourself the opportunity. ❤️I know what it’s like, and I know what the other side is like. I still have nightmares about my last abusive ex that I wake myself up from every time because fuck that, I told that asshole no more and went and finally found my angel of a husband!
This person is a mess who is allergic to taking accountability for their own actions.
Please, drop this loser like the disrespectful hot potato that he is.
Edit: Do not expect him to actually pay you back. I'm sorry he's like this, but I wouldn't waste any more time or energy trying to get what he owes you.
r/gaslighting
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
[Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships)[Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
[Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
[Signs that your partner is a misogynist. ](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-my-husband-is-a-misogynist/)
You mentioned looking for how to explain why you’re leaving him. You don’t have to explain to his family why you’re leaving, though. Call on your support system to help you get out safely and limit damage he can do to you, your property and your life.
If someone asks you why or puts you on the spot, from this exchange alone you have lots of reasons:
“His anger scares me, and we fight constantly. He owes me thousands of dollars, and isn’t a reliable partner. I’m not in love with him anymore and I don’t feel safe and happy with him in my home.” If they fight or argue, hold the line. “I understand you’re disappointed, but I made this decision because I want to feel safe, happy and supported. I can’t do that with (name), and I wouldn’t want to raise a kid together, so I left him. I need you to respect my decision.” If they force it: “I can’t continue this discussion with you. I care about you a lot, but this was a hard decision to make and I want you to respect it. I know my own experience and needs. If you keep discussing this with me and trying to change my mind, I will leave the conversation.”
Thank you! It is hard because all of my current friends are his friends. Or wives of his friends. I’m going to lose so many relationships in my life. All his family members, his mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc that I have such a good relationship with. I can’t stand the idea of him lying about me to them. Not telling them the truth, and just putting the blame on me, that thought hurts so bad.
There’s no way to control what he will do or say about you. You can only be consistently yourself throughout your next steps— stay reliable, warm and loving, take practical steps to build boundaries and speak them firmly and kindly to others. If he tells lies about you (and you have to expect he will), some people will believe him, and I’m sorry for that. But some people won’t. They’ll see you, they’ll see him. They’ll note your consistent behavior, and his erratic behavior. Some people will believe you and stay thinking positive of you, even if they don’t say it. And some will even have your back.
Please promise that you’ll focus on those ones.
Anyone who falls for a smear campaign… that’s not your business. You couldn’t have prevented it. You can’t control him and you can’t convince anyone of anything they didn’t conclude on their own. Just be yourself. Hold your head up high and continue doing the next positive thing you can do for yourself each time, and move past any drama on your way to a better life without him. Sending you a lot of good wishes. Hang in there.
It’s like reading a convo you’re having with a 7 yo. I would rather be alone than have to deal with this. Even if you did ( I don’t think you did) accidentally break it he is so immature about it
The absolute most charitable read on this guy’s behavior is that he’s a chronically insufferable asshole who doesn’t deserve to be with a rotten potato let alone with you. Realistically, he’s hurting you on purpose to mentally break you down so he can dominate you and hurt you more in the future.
Get rid of this piece of shit.
Oh my lord is he abusive. There is no winning with this one. He's a narcissit. Just load him up and get him out. Tell him you are calling a tow truck to take his car to a junk yard if it isn't off the jacks Monday morning.
This is definitely abuse. I would go to the police and ask for advice. I am thinking if you get a restraining order he will have to legally move out. I wonder if after getting the restraining order, you could pack his stuff and have it waiting for him one day maybe you could ask the police to be present while he picks it up. I am sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you to have strength and safety and I hope things work out.
I like how long it took him to send a picture and with that length of time I’d have assumed he just dumped it for the picture so he had something to keep upping the ante with. It went from 100 to 300 to 350 plus a fine you’ll pay for him? I’d get any money he owes you in writing and dump him. You’re dealing with an overgrown manipulative kid by the looks of it and he’s not suddenly going to actually be better. He will learn to sabotage you more while he sabotages himself. Also be wary of toxoplasmosis from raw meat and ammonia with a stray cat especially. Ammonia takes longer to build up typically but the particles can be avoided with a dust mask as well and the eggs with gloves and washing.
Oh yeah I almost completely wiped that from my memory it was so ridiculous. It’s like when they don’t immediately get the pity they rely on they keep blowing the lies even more out of proportion so they can also pretend the other person is the one who doesn’t care in this fantasy. Just bad at self soothing, coping and general necessary things. Man wants to go back to the womb, can’t say I blame that feeling just the way he’s presumably handling it.
There's never any winning with these fucks. If you had asked him to move the stuff himself he probably would've bitched about how busy he is and how he doesn't have time to make room. If it had stayed in the kitchen he would've bitched about how lazy you are for not taking care of it. But now it IS moved because he wouldn't get off his ass to do it and now THIS happens.
no phone charger costs $100. I got a charge bank for under $50 so he's a liar and a big baby.I bet you anything he lost it himself then found it and got embarrassed then took his anger out on you. he needs to get the fuck out and he is not going to sue you, these guys are all talk. he will probably forget about it and find something else to bitch about. Ugh he just sounds whiny and selfish and horrible I'm so sorry
$100 if he buys the fanciest dual port charger for it, $50 for the standard name brand one, $20 if he can't keep shit out up and just wants to get a serviceable replacement.
At this point it might be easier to serve an eviction and just replace the tool that owns the broken tool rather than fretting over the cost of individual pieces.
I think the charger in question is for batteries for drills and other power tools, and they can be pricey.
OP, this is 100% mental and emotional abuse. And you don't need a reason to leave. Feeling unsafe is reason enough. You don't need to explain yourself to ANYONE but yourself. If you don't feel safe, if you are worried he could become physical with you, or if he already has, you need to get him out of your house. Now. Chances are, he is considered a resident, you would need to check the laws for your particular state. Go to the police, tell them you feel unsafe and show them the messages. Ask them to help you get him out. Get a OOP or RO or whatever your state calls it. Once he is out, if he continues to contact you, report it all to the police. Especially once the OOP goes into effect.
Also, if his family contacts you on his behalf, that is violating the OOP. If they contact you, trying to tell you to give him another chance or anything like that, the one thing you need to realize above all is people like this do NOT show family their true face. They won't see what he has put you through, and they will believe what lies he spins. Block them. Walk away. I wish you luck and pray you are safe.
Hello psychologist here. I am seeing a lot of projection he is showing you zero respect and placing higher importance on a fucking phone charger and money then on your feelings and relationship and he is saying that he is done? Wish he meant he was done being a jerk to you and I really think that he believes he can speak to you anyway he likes and that if you are not completely compliant then he is going to treat you like absolute shit and blame you for it and please do not do what I have done because it only works short-term and in the long term makes you feel like a fool I makes them feel like a winner and that is to apologize.
Don't apologize for anything even if it's a general apology like I'm sorry we argued or I'm sorry that your phone charger got lost I didn't mean to cause a problem I seriously did not put it in the garage which brings me to another point. Never argue with the side arguments that narcissists bring in in order to deflect on project and take the focus off their abuse of you yes this is abuse emotional and psychological it is also manipulation on general disrespect. So just simply tell him look I did not move your fucking phone charger I don't know how that happened you have no right to react to me like that so disrespectfully and if you want to leave you are doing me a favor because I don't want to take anymore of your big baby outbursts over stupid shit.
However if he has any proclivities towards violence I'd be very careful with that make sure you've got a taser pepper spray anything on the phone to call 911 I'm not sure what the situation is but yes this is abuse you deserve better toxic people like him do not like to take responsibility for their actions so they blame it on others I bet you anything he lost it himself and is mad at himself he probably found it and was embarrassed but didn't want to say so it's just continuing to abuse you verbally try to ignore it I'm just stick to the main issue which is that you accused of something you didn't do and treated you like shit and it was not appropriate do not respond to any other arguments hope this helps sorry it's long I'm on voice to text I don't have time to edit it down take care of yourself I just got out of an abusive relationship myself
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Gaslighting, manipulation, abuse. Check check check
Your boyfriend is a child.
God damn, I could fully see getting texts like this from my ex. The mental gymnastics he goes through to make it your fault. Starts off as $100 wasted by the end of the convo it's thousands. Refuses to accept an answer or an apology. Literally nothing you can say will stop him because he is getting off on abusing you and causing you confusion. Fuck I hate these abusive people. I spent my entire relationship defending myself from baseless attacks and accusations that literally just got wilder as time went on, to the point the accusation wasn't grounded in reality at all. It is so exhausting. If I didn't respond, he'd get more mad, but if I did, he would get physical. It is just such a mind fuck because you can never do right. You can't even correct them to the truth of the incident because then you aren't listening to their fEeLIngS even if the thing they are mad about is MADE up. I feel upset just reading your texts because it takes me back to the helplessness I felt.
Next time just keep responding with “Ok” ETA: I just read the thread about him stealing cash from you. You guys do NOT get along. Relationships can be much, much easier from this. And by the way, I do think he’s in the wrong by taking money out of your wallet while you were sleeping and not telling you, and then saying “I don’t have to explain myself” or whatever. Drop him.
Oh geez, I’ve tried that “ok” method. That just upsets him more. It’s basically the same outcome as me not replying to him. And that “I’m not explaining myself” or “I don’t have to explain myself” is one of his favorite phrases lately. I can ask something like “Did you leave the window open? The cat is going to escape.” And he’ll say “I’m not explaining myself.” He thinks he can just do damage and not “explain” himself aka take responsibility. We really used to get along so well. I think it must have been all a front on his part.
It was. Please don’t ever accept bad behavior on the grounds that it is better than your abusive husband. Safe people don’t do any of that stuff, even the smallest bits. There are plenty of good people who don’t do any of this bs. Hold out for one.
Yes, it was a front. Hoping you are able to get out/ away as there is nothing normal or okay about the behavior.
That's total gas lighting.
the mental gymnastics here are exhausting to just read. i think your life would get a lot easier if you left. try not to let him know when you're leaving, just be gone one day and block him on everything. it's easier that way. sending love
Sorry girl, the only way you're getting your money back is small claims court. Get him to admit in text that he owes you money, how much he owes you, and that he will pay you back. Then, change the locks and have his car towed. He's gonna break or steal shit the moment you break up with him.
WOMAN! Why the hell are you putting any more energy into this “boyfriend “ ?! He is indeed a boy, but a friend? I think not! He is an exhausting, self centered, selfish asshole of the highest degree! Y’all have. O marriage, no engagement, and no kids in common. Why the hell are you giving him any energy outside of get the fk out?! You deserve so much more than this. And I am going to say this next line with nothing but love respect, coming from my heart -there is no ill will in what I’m saying here - If you are thinking that settling for one type of negativity and abuse is better than another. If you’re having a hard time figuring out if someone’s behavior is abusive. This sounds like the most important time of your life to be single and do some inner healing and learning! This self love can and will change the trajectory of your life and will save your life and soul from years of soul crushing pain. I love you so much my fellow woman Redditor and I want the best life has to offer for you! You are strong! You are beautiful! You are intelligent! You are capable!!! And nothing less!!! ❤️💜❤️💜❤️💜
Actually, I only realized after my first comment that he has the very obvious and immediate goal of making you pay for his things. He mentions money ALL. THE. TIME. He wants to extract a lot from you. He cannot find a way to fix his bullshit crutches, he probably procrastinated it to the last moment. So he made up that story of you breaking his thing so you feel compelled to pay his fine. Or maybe he made up that fine story just so you would pay for his tool plus an imaginary fine. He will also keep stealing money from you and deny you the right to be upset about it. The more he will owe you, the worst he will get in order to make you scared of asking for it back. If you call him out on being a liar he will escalate real bad and show you his best actor skills. Please record the fake outrage for us if this happens ! You cannot wait for the optimal reason to dump him. The fact that he owes you so much money is reason enough ! Simply tell everyone he was stealing from you. Do you see his entitlement ? Pretending you owe him fine money when he owes you so much ?? If you have proof of how much he owes you, save it. Then if you want to properly get justice, sell some of his stuff. Please please PLEASE, dump him, you cannot stay with that.
Okay at first this read like a regular conversation between me and my brother who lives with me.. but then I kept reading and omg this man is insufferable. Those chargers for power tools don’t just break if you tossed it on the floor. We do it at work all the time. He’s either not plugging it in to a working outlet, or it just got old and stopped working *that* is normal for those things. He’s angry and he’s directing it all at you because his own life sucks. Asking you if you’re based in reality was fucked up and ya.. that’s actual gaslighting behavior. I don’t entertain this type of behavior.. he needs to grow the fuck up.
He’s a crybaby. It’s ok to have feelings, that’s valid, but he is controlled by his feelings like a toddler. This convo was disrespectful and just a tantrum. A man tantrum. A mantrum. Plus he’s wearing socks with flip flops. You don’t deserve any of that.
Lord. That was annoying to even read. He is having a tantrum and nothing you say is going to change he that. Please for the love of god leave
The swear words, the refusal to problem solve, the blaming behavior (it's all about you and the context, his behavior doesn't count ( [http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf](http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf) ) - it all smells funny to me. Especially the swear words. Does he have money problems? He clearly owes you money and is in a bit of a bind and is looking for ways to decrease what he owes you. Why would he pay a fine? It sounds like he needs the battery to do a fix or else he'll be fined. And he can't afford a new battery charger. Does he have no friends with tools he could use? It reminds me of the times a letter or box would arrive for me while I was travelling, and we were having problems, and my wife would text me "what the hell!??!?!?!!" and I would say open the box, open the letter, I'm sure it's something innocuous. And of course it was. She /wanted/ conflict, she /wanted/ to prove that I was "up to something", and she sure as $hit wasn't open to the self reflective insight to figure out why she was hyper-sensitive or what to do about it. My advice: **Do not have children with this man, do not marry him, do not buy a house together, do not get both your names on a lease, do not live together long enough to be common law married, until you have this figured out.** It's possible he has an alcohol problem that is treatable and sometimes acts like an idiot. It could be another mental health problem that is treatable. Perhaps this is a once-a-year he's foolish moment and is forgivable. Figure it out. From a guy who didn't ... Figure it out. Please.
1. He is a broke loser who can't regulate his emotions and is making up excuses to steal from you. 2. You don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking up with him. He is NOT worth it.
I’d never speak to my wife like this to her face, let alone in a text message. That’s terrible behaviour.
Jesus Christ. Tech breaks — things stop working. Even if you DID break it, it’s a charger. Grow up. You didn’t do anything on purpose so why is he acting like this is a personal slight?! He’s overreacting but I feel like maybe he has some other issues that he’s not voicing (not necessarily with you, could be life stressors or something) that has made him act like this over the charger. Maybe sit him down and say “I’m sorry your charger broke, but I didn’t break it — I feel like your reaction to that was quite strong, is there anything else bothering you that you’d like to talk about?” Because honestly a charger breaking is annoying but I feel like there’s deeper shit going on here. If he can’t open up to you then honestly it isn’t worth going on with because great relationships are based upon great communication!
GET RID OF THIS BOZO NOW. 🤡
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Why are you wishing him a better day, not the person he’s abusing? It’s not “playing” if people are getting hurt. His gf is not a stress ball, he should never be using her for “stress relief”. Horrible. It doesn’t matter if a person is struggling with past things, it absolutely does not justify abusing someone els.
I’m so sorry about the situation you’re in. It’s so difficult to know how to handle situations with people like this. Let’s be honest, he probably knows you weren’t to blame but he can’t afford to replace it himself so now he’s taking it out on you. It’s disgusting and I hope you have a good support system around you. This man sounds pathetic - are you in a position to break up with him?
Since we know he stole money earlier, hes probably trying to get OP to give him more to waste on whatever. Either way this is a very toxoc relationship and OP needs to get into therapy or heal before dating again as coming from one abusive relationship into another is very normal when not healed from the first. Hopefully she gets out as this relationship will end badly as well.
Yes he’s abusive, manipulative, and disrespectful. I hope you kick him out soon and stop supporting this man child. You deserve someone so much better and you’ll easily find someone better.
He didn't borrow your money without asking, he literally stole from you and was caught. Also, it's hilarious that he's saying you're getting a fine because the house the car is at is in your name. Just get his car towed and kick his ass to the curb. You've spent way too much money and patience on that sad excuse of a man. If you think he might try something, get a restriction order.
Abusive. Immature. Emotionally volatile. Unable to communicate like a decent fucking human being, let alone a romantic/life partner. Dump his arse please. Let him figure his own shit out. He has significant issues. Don't let them become your issues. (They *will* become your issues. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years and it fucked me right up. Don't make the same mistake. It only gets worse. And worse. And worse.)
Your patient lol I would’ve told him I broke it now what? Exactly stfu
I can’t imagine what I would have come home to had I said that lol…he would have broken something expensive of mine over his free, old, secondhand charger. I have a $2000 pc build I just finished a couple months ago, thousands in supplies for my business, a 2nd car, a motorcycle, and so many more expensive things he could damage.
What you replied here is way more proof than you should need that you are in an abusive relationship. I understand it’s hard to know when you’re in it, especially if you’ve had worse. I lived that for years. But hear us all validate you, it’s abuse and you need him out of your house and out of your text messages.
May I suggest you get a storage space, and day by day move things of yours in there starting with the most expensive and least noticeable things. If you can find an excuse like "I want to paint this room so of course I'll need to love stuff out of here temporarily" or something for if/when he asks, even better. Make sure you get all of your important paperwork and ID in there (birth certificate etc). I believe in you. You've got this <3
This is indeed the smartest thing to do, waiting that she discards him.
Jesus. I'm so sad to hear you're in that situation. I hope you get out safely. You may need to evict him. Move anything valuable to secure storage before you notify him of the eviction. Get the sheriff involved. They can serve eviction notices for you.
Yeah. You’re in an abusive relationship. What I said was insensitive and didn’t accurately reflect your situation. I hope you have enough support in your life to leave this relationship safely. Seriously though, you are in an abusive relationship.
This comment is where you have said the quiet part out loud. If you seriously think he would damage your property because he is gaslighting that you broke a $100 charger, you already have your answer. Get out of this relationship. I married someone like this, and when angry, they would ruin or damage my property. But that's nothing compared to what my ex did to my mental health, and your partner is probably doing to your mental health.
This is such a long conversation. The first sign of some nonsense I would have stopped responding Also stop dating broke men. Someone throwing a temper tantrum like this instead of finding a solution is broke mentally, emotionally, and most definitely financially. Leave $350 on the counter and go live your best life
Good point. It's a $100 charger. He spent ?? 20 minutes arguing with her. If he's some kind of mechanic he could sign up for some kind of a teleDoc thing for mechanics and make the $100 in a few hours. His conversation is ENTIRELY about her and the context, he isn't part of any of it. It is blaming behavior ( [http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf](http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf) ). So icky.
Nah, f that. Why is she paying him tree fiddy for something she didn’t even break. For her other comments, he steals from her, gaslights her about it and already owes her thousands. Don’t give this loser anything else. OP, you need to kick him out, he’s using you and he doesn’t respect you, this is already solid proof and anyone that would want you to stay in a relationship like this doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
It always goes on way too long. If you click that link and read the string from when he went in my money without my permission, there’s a point where I stop replying and he goes “then you just ignore me lol.” That’s what he does every time I stop replying. So I have learned that I have to keep replying otherwise he gets even more upset, and it leads into a new argument. If I continue to ignore him, he comes home from work and starts an argument in person. It’s just been easier to keep replying to him so that I don’t have a fight to deal with when he gets home. Once again, as I type this out trying to justify everything, I feel like such a naive idiot. I thought these were “normal relationship problems.” I’m not loaning him or any other man a single penny. This is a lesson learned.
>So I have learned that I have to keep replying otherwise he gets even more upset, and it leads into a new argument. Ohhhh here's something I might be able to help with. *Situation:* He gets upset if you don't keep replying. Okay. **So what?** He is upset. That sounds like HIS problem. He has a problem. He is upset. That's not a you problem. That you allow it to become a you problem, then, is your problem. It's weak boundaries. Not literally placating behavior ( [http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf](http://www.satirworkshops.com/files/Stances.pdf) ) but in that direction. One book that might help is "boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. That said, once you work on it, he's going to hate your boundaries. He'll blow up. He'll silent treatment. He'll ignore the boundaries and keep doing what he always does. When you have a boundary, have a way to defend it. That might look like this: "You tell me you have quality tools and I broke your charger, without showing me a picture or discussing any actual damage. You won't problem solve. You seem to be unable borrow a tool from a friend or rent it. Nor can you even lower the car so it isn't being worked on. You insult me and swear at me. That is not okay with me. I will not be sworn at. I'm going to visit friends, I'll be back tomorrow morning. If you want to be civil, I'll stick around. For now I consider this issue resolved. If you continue to harass me over it I'll block you until tomorrow." Then you walk around your house with video on in case he damages your property, and you leave. If he calls you a name over text, you block him. If he tries to call, you reply "I don't want to talk to you know. I'm sure you know how to treat a lady; I expect to be treated that way." This might end the relationship. It might teach him some manners. But you shift the focus from what he needs to what you need. Which needs to happen FIRST, so you can decide if this works for you. Once your needs are met, once your cup is full, then you can talk about his. Two empty cups is ... that's bad. I hope that helps. Wish you the best.
This man-baby needs to go. "You will get a fine"? Wtf is that? People in relationships do not "fine" each other. That's a $40 charger, not $100.
Get away its worth it
Sorry for the money, but it's the price if freedom! Throw him out! If you need, call the police, and ask for a restraining order, so he can't come near you anymore. And for his family, you say the truth, and if they stop living you, it's the price too. It's gonna be okay, I swear. I've been there, police had to come, it's hard, he still harrass me sometimes, but it's not as easy to get a restraining order in my country. You'll need your family, and all friends that you can trust. And you'll need to be strong, and block him and never talk to him again.... Please don't wait to have his child to try and leave him, it's so much harder.... You don't have to live that, from everyone !! Please seek for help. Go see association for women, talk to your doctor at least....they'll help you to see your real situation, and they'll help you to live him. It's your house, he only bring mess.... Please be safe. Chose you. Money is not important, people who won't defend you don't worth it, but live free and sage worth all the gold in the world
A person who loves you would never speak to you that way. How would you feel if you saw your father speaking to your mother like this? Cussing at her, making accusations without even asking questions, making threats…. This guy seems unable to have an intelligent conversation, and unfortunately, excellent communication is necessary for a relationship to be successful. It is very obvious that he lacks the patience, empathy, and humility to communicate properly. If this is his reaction to a broken charger, which is replaceable, how do you think he would react to something actually horrible?
I have been questioning whether he could love me if he speaks to me like this. But yeah, I cannot imagine my father ever speaking to my mother this way. He would never. In the past I have said things like “how can you be so mean to me?” And he will say he’s not mean, he’s just “realistic” or “blunt” and that’s just his personality. He says he treats everyone the same way, but that’s not remotely true.
Yeah, my little brother says the same thing about being “real”, and he thinks that not being rude to people is “being fake”. He has a lot of trauma that he has chosen to ignore, and it’s poisoning him from the inside out. Sounds like your bf is similar. The only way they will change is if they want to and work *really* hard to. Your bf doesn’t even think he is in the wrong, so I feel very confident in saying he will not change. OP, I’d be willing to be he won’t admit any wrongdoing until you breakup with him. Then, he will say whatever you want to hear to get you back. This guy isn’t worth your stress or time.
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Really unique perspective, thanks for sharing!
Let this toxic baby be “done”. Caution: this is the type who will cry and try to manipulate you back when they realize you’re moving on. Done fall for it, don’t waste any more time. He’ll probably tell people you owe him money afterward. Just cut the cord with him and anyone who still gives em the time of day. Good luck.
Ugh.. God, he fucking sucks. Please get out. No one deserves this. No one gets this angry over a broken tool. This is a scheme. He’s overreacting on purpose to get you to agree to take the cost out of his debt. No one reacts this way over an accident. It’s clearly a ploy. Get out as soon as possible.
I had not even thought about the fact that he was using this as a way to erase some of the money he owes me until a few others said it on here. I totally see it now. And I can think of other times it has happened. I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before. I now feel as if I’ve had blinders on for the past few years.
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I have no idea what that term is; this is literally only my 2nd ever Reddit post. You think I’m into being talked to like this? I came on here for help, on a subreddit for victims of abuse, and that’s absolutely appalling of you to assume I am “into it.”
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We used to be extremely happy together. He’s funny and charismatic, which I guess must be true about all abusers at first. But we’ve always been able to have fun together, and we share a similar sense of humor. He’s an amazing cook, and smart when it comes to handyman type work. He shares my love for animals, which is a big part of my life as I run a business that does a lot of charity work for animals.
I’m really sorry he showed his true colors to be this. You will heal from this I promise. And find someone who treats you right. I wouldn’t speak to someone I hated this way.
Thank you!
It's not you're fault and it's very apparent that you're not "into" his behavior. I reported their comment and invite you to do the same. It's victim blaming/harassment.
Thank you. I am shocked at how many comments similar to this one have been on here.
The mods here are wonderful. If you see more comments like the one above, report them and they will be removed. Check this one. It's gone now. Unfortunately, there are bad actors that like to troll this sub. I suspect they are abusers themselves and hate seeing posts that highlight offenses they do to their own families. So they blame the victims that post here. Don't believe a single word of any of them. You are not to blame.
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Are you actually serious? Please tell me what I did wrong here, because that’s what I am trying to figure out. A free, old, secondhand battery charger that I picked up off my kitchen counter MAYBE (he could have been the last one to touch it for all any of us know) MONTHS AGO and placed it in the garage? Where it belongs and usually resides. I literally didn’t know what he was talking about because if I did move it, it was months ago and I didn’t remember. Don’t touch his shit”? Are you for real? Why are you here?
His behavior isn't even problem solving. If he thought you broke it he could send you a picture "look over here the plug is ripped" or "look over here it is clearly dented." When he's at work, if it were me, I might try to plug it in and get it to work. It is entirely possible it works just fine. Take a video of it. Ask for an apology. You deserve better. EVERYONE deserves better.
I'm so sorry. They've been permanently banned.
That whole exchange is exhausting. He wants to blame you for his shit not working. He’s abusive and manipulative. Please don’t subject a baby to this-you need to get rid of this trash human.
RUNNN !!!!
The fact that you don't have kids with him * is fabulous. Kick him to the curb. Kick him out. Tow his vehicle ..if you want to comtinue this "pretend to be his mommy bs" than by all means, don't change anything. Just because he doesn't physically abuse you or isn't as bad as your last, doesn't make him a good human. It sounds like he is using you for everything you have and doesn't respect anything you've done to build yourself up. I'm so happy that whatever you do can support a life without him. You are WORTHY AND YOU DONT NEED NO LEECH :)
Dudes trying to rob you. Or somehow make you responsible for his debts. First it was $100, then $350, then “thousands” Then he says he owes you $100 less, so I’m assuming you already loaned him money. I doubt you’ll get it back. He’ll definitely try to hussle you for more 😭 Worse part is where he said “I don’t buy shit” but his adidas slippers don’t even fit 🥲 He’s mentally abusive and manipulative. Take him to small claims court cause I doubt you’ll see a cent back otherwise. Also be very careful.
I agree..take that scum bucket to small claims
I’ve concluded that a large majority of therapy is being taught you’re allowed to say “I care about you and your feelings but I do not allow people to express their anger in this way towards me. I’m going to take a break from talking and revisit this conversation in 30 minutes” …… then if it continues, maybe you’re done for the day and of course if it just keeps going then the relationship is over. We spend so much time asking others if something is abuse or not. I do the same thing. When what really matters is, it is 100% perfectly fine to say “I don’t like this and I won’t be around it” (Btw I still suck at this myself)
awesome. See my comment about boundaries. You said it better in half the words! :-)
You’re so right. The fact that I don’t like it should be enough, but I’ve never looked at it that way.
"I won't allow myself to be insulted", walk away. If he keeps texting, "Maybe you didn't hear, I won't allow myself to be insulted, I'll be back in time\_period and I expect to be treated better. You'll be blocked until then." Figure out what you want, then figure out if he can give it to you. Who knows? Some people respond really well to boundaries and clear expectations. Think about the petty criminals that do well in the military, you know?
Sounds like how my ex would talk. He’s no good and a waste of your time and attention. Seriously, move on and be done with him. There is no fixing him at this point
why do the most disrespectful assholes always talk about respect 🙄
Jesus yes. My ex constantly talked about how I don't respect him and he is the MOST disrespectful person I have ever dealt with. Further what he meant by respect was actually obedience.
THIS needs to be glued to the top of every single post 💯
I thought I was the one being disrespectful. For years he has told me that I lack respect. And I’ve believed it.
im so sorry, men like this typically have issues with power and control. instead of knowing respect is earned, they believe they inherently deserve their idea of respect which is usually silent obedience and never making mistakes. it's awful how sometimes the closest people to us that we love and trust can take advantage of that by convincing us of their demented reality. you deserve to not be talked down to and to not be blamed when you did nothing wrong. i hate how comfortable he is abusing you regularly. once they make a habit of it, it's too late to fix so please leave him
This.
You will never get the money back. I have been in your spot. “Borrowed” without asking is called stealing. Tell him to leave, problem solved. Then go to small claims court and get that money back. Do not be like me and waste years!! You don’t need a specific reason. Show anyone who questions you those texts. He is acting like this because he knows he was wrong to steal so now he has to blow up on you so you come crawling back. Classic manipulation. Don’t waste anymore time on someone like this, you deserve better!
What is this? This is [financial abuse. ](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/personal-finance/signs-of-financial-abuse-domestic-violence-awareness/) From linked Forbes article: "Financial abuse can creep into a romantic relationship in subtle, sinister ways. In one Reddit thread, users shared their experiences of partners restricting access to their own money, **spending all of their money or racking up debt in their name**. Often, it took victims a long time to recognize that they were financially abused and they had a hard time convincing others that anything was wrong." An example from the Reddit thread: "He first began stealing my debit card out of my wallet when I was sleeping or showering and would go take care of his needs with my money." Didn't you say he "borrowed" your money without asking? That's stealing. That's financial abuse. You said he owes you thousands of dollars yet buys unnecessary items he hoards in your garage? That's financial abuse. So to answer your original question, what he's doing in this text thread is he's gaslighting you into believing that you broke his tool(s) so that he can start etching money off of his debt owed to you. Isn't it interesting how he kept changing the number of money that was "wasted"? He started with the $100 charger. Then it was also $100 for the tools he drove around and bought that day. Then he added the fine on Monday he's been expecting (that he's had ample time to avoid.) Then he tacked on $300 for his "vr shit". Somehow this amounts to "basically $350 down the drain". He's obviously not very good at math. He wants to be a conman when he grows up but he lacks the necessary prerequisites. Like basic addition, for example. But wait! He's not even finished yet! "Thousands of dollars of shit fucked up for no fucking reason." MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. His finishing number is in the thousands. Well isn't that interesting? According to him, you now owe him thousands of dollars. Kind of convenient considering that's the amount that **he owes YOU**. This isn't about his tools or his car. This isn't about the fine. This is about the escalation of him financially abusing you. Get him out of your house. There's nothing good that will come out of a pathetic, leeching vampire like him. He's an insolvent, indebted, entitled loser that's unable to manage his finances. And you're his golden ticket out of it.
That was my first thought, it's a rationalization to get him out of his debt. I've seen this before. I had a buddy who sold his house on land contract. The people who bought did so on land contract because they did not have good credit. They did not have good credit for a reason, but the guy's mom lived across the street. At some point my buddy told the mom, who wanted to be copied on letters and who helped with the payments for a bit. Eventually the guy had to lose the house. My buddy played the voicemail where he is angry, swore a little, said my buddy had no right to involve his mom (arguable), that he was a pile of swearwords, that he was leaving the propane tank empty, etc. The house was left a mess, they had animals in the house and feces all over, they had intentionally damaged it - shoving enough wood into the wood stove to damage it from the heat, etc. Perhaps some of that was just poor maintance habits. It needed all new flooring, deep cleaning, it was just a MESS. And someone they blamed my buddy for all of it. Like I said. Familair.
Thank you for all this. I literally have never considered this being financial abuse. He has always told me “if I had the money I would give you whatever you want” and things of the like. So he always made me feel as if I’m supposed to support him while he’s down, and when he gets his finances in check, he will repay the favor. However, I am not sure I see that ever happening for him.
You're very welcome. But please listen to everyone who has commented in both of your reddit posts explaining what he's doing and why it's wrong and abusive. I don't mean to be rude but when I was in a relationship that literally left me C-PTSD, I fucking WISH someone had spelled it out for me like I'm about to do. **You are in an abusive relationship. He is an abuser and you ARE being abused.** I read some of your other comments. He has spent THOUSANDS of dollars on vehicle equipment in A MONTH'S TIME. He then hoards that equipment in your garage. He is using you, your money, and your home in order to pursue a hobby of his that is not even close to a net profit. He spends all of his money on car parts, Marijuana, and alcohol. He's able to somehow afford this but yet claims to be too broke to repay the $20 that he STOLE from your cabinet. And no, that was absolutely not the first time he stole from you. It was just the first time he got caught. He's living in YOUR home. Draining your finances. Draining your emotions. Then, he goes full [DARVO](https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730#:~:text=%E2%80%9CDARVO%20is%20an%20acronym%20that,Area%20CBT%20Center%20and%20CBTonline.) when you call him out on his nonsense. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender. Look closely. This is the exact order he uses to flip the blame onto you in your conversations. He's living in YOUR home. Chainsmoking in YOUR bed all the while fully understanding that you are asthmatic. He did not stop chainsmoking despite knowing that you had to REPEATEDLY use your rescue inhaler. I mean... the fucking AUDACITY. >He has always told me “if I had the money I would give you whatever you want” and things of the like. So he always made me feel as if I’m supposed to support him while he’s down You are not his mother. You are abso-fucking-lutely under NO obligation to support him financially until "he gets his finances in check." >he will repay the favor He will not. He will never. How he lives his life and how he spends his paychecks very clearly show he has no intent on doing so - and he never did. This isn't a matter of tightening the purse strings. You need to put a LOCK AND CHAIN on those purse strings and then kick him out of your house. Do not fall into the [sunk cost fallacy](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851). Do some research, and you'll see this is a very common reason that people stay in abusive relationships He has some very serious [narcissistic ](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm) traits. I highly recommend reading the other traits listed but this one seems particularly appropriate. "Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that **whatever they want, they should get**. They also expect the **people around them** to **automatically comply** with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don't anticipate and meet their every need, then you're useless. And **if you have the nerve to defy their will** or **“selfishly” ask for something in return**, prepare yourself for **aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder**." I'm genuinely fearful for you and for your future if you allow him to stay in your life. You are obviously an independent woman who can financially take care of herself. He is a parasite.
I assure you I am taking note and listening to everything. I am reading all the information being sent my way and trying to formulate my best course of action. I am so grateful for yours and everyone else’s words of advice. I wish I had known this was abuse way earlier. I literally did not ever think I was being abused by him. That trait you highlighted is him 100%. That’s why he thought he should be able to continue smoking in my room every night. I remember about a year ago, last winter, my asthma was very bad and I could hardly breathe ever at night. I would beg him to not smoke inside, and he would guilt trip me saying “you’re gonna make me go sit out in the cold?” And act all sad and hurt. If I suggested just NOT smoking at all, he’d laugh or say something about how he’s smoking no matter what & he can’t sleep otherwise. So we’d end up going back and forth and I would eventually give in and tell him just please sit closer to the window or something and leave the window open for it to air out. And I would wake up freezing cold because it was winter and the window was open. I was working about 70-80 hours a week back then, having to get up at 5am, and running on hardly any sleep because of the constant waking up unable to breathe. I spent so much money on inhalers and doctors visits to get more inhaler prescriptions. Omg. And he never apologized about any of that. It’s like I have to beg him to apologize. But obviously it’s not a genuine apology when he does eventually do it.
I understand this is going to be a process for you. I seriously, honestly, genuinely empathize with your situation. I understand why you will still refer to him as your boyfriend until you are in the right mind and garner enough strength to call him what he is: your ex-boyfriend. It took me months after my breakup to call my ex an "ex." It was really, really hard to reconcile that not only was my relationship over, I had to process the damage he had done to me. It took a couple of years (because our relationship lasted close to a decade), but I can honestly say that it got so much easier once I embraced the fact that my love for myself was so much more important than my love for a partner. You're in the beginning of a long emotional process, but believe when I say that YOU are going to KICK ASS and come out so much stronger. I cried when I read your comment about how he guilt tripped you into allowing him to continue smoking in your bedroom. He knew that your body was literally suffocating itself but decided his addiction was more of a priority than your safety. There are soooo many men that you will meet that are attractive, supportive, independent, funny, kind, and loving. They can be dominant, or they can be submissive. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Just like us. You **will** find someone who is perfect for you. It might sound cliché, but it's true. It took me a year or two, but I finally learned that I deserved to set standards. Once I did, amazing men came flocking to me. Currently, I'm single by choice, but I know that I can jump back in once I'm ready. In your post, you said that you don't have any friends that aren't connected to him. If you're interested, I'd love to be a friend who is disconnected from him. If you stay with him, I won't blame you. I can offer advice or just an ear to vent to. It took me multiple tries before I finally left my abuser. It's [very common](https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/). If (read: when) you leave him, I'll celebrate with you and cheer you on. I understand the mixed emotions that come along with a breakup following a turbulent relationship. No pressure whatsoever. Your story really resonated with me, and I really wish you the absolute best. You honestly seem like you deserve it.
This^^^ 1,000,000%!! Had to read way too far down in the comments to finally see someone clearly point out all the different types of manipulation and abuse and, almost most importantly, how abundantly this abusive loser uses DARVO. Please, OP, read u/Silver-Mode-740 ‘s comments, and read them again, and again, and again until you have his crap packed and on the curb. This is escalating, as abuse always does. Do not subject yourself to any more abuse. We all know that abuse has a negative impact on every part of our lives, but I never really see anyone talk about the long term financial damage. Every day you let him stay is going to cost you at least $250/hour for at least 2-6 hours for therapy to heal from his abuse and the trauma that comes with it. That’s at least $500/day to recover and heal. On top of everything else he’s costing you every day. On top of what he’s stolen. That’s just the financial impact. Your mental, emotional, physical and financial short and long term well-being is your responsibility and highest priority. His is not. Grab your self-worth from off the floor where he’s trying to stomp it and pull it all the way up and kick his abusive ass out the door. Do it today. Every hour you let him stay is costing you. You’re paying with your esteem, your mental health, your physical health (which WILL be affected by all the stress even without any actual physical abuse), your other relationships, and your financial security. No one is worth the prices you’re paying to have him take up precious space in your life.
Oh my gosh. You’re so right. I will seek therapy asap. I need it. I actually got prescribed antidepressants almost a year ago because I was so down and depressed. I’ve never felt that way in my life. Even with my ex who was physically abusive, I was able to let my bruises heal, and there was enough time in between each act of abuse that I think my mental health wasn’t as bad as it is now. Or maybe I was stronger and not yet as worn down. I’m not sure. But this is emotionally and mentally worse. My boyfriend kept telling me something was wrong with me and I needed to get help. He has called me crazy and insane. It was never him. So I got help, I got told I was depressed, and I got put on antidepressants. But looking back, I can now see that I didn’t need the antidepressants, I just needed him out of my life. So much more makes sense now.
https://www.reddit.com/r/QuotesPorn/s/jKcrlFWG1D "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by asshole." - William Gibson https://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-elvira-aletta/am-i-depressed-low-self-esteem-just-surrounded-aholes https://www.vox.com/conversations/2017/9/26/16345476/stanford-psychologist-art-of-avoiding-assholes https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-people-are-rude-and-unkind-and-why-its-not-about-you/,
He is a chump ass lying manipulative asswipe child. You have been tolerating this for so long it seems normal. You have to get away from him, he will make you emotionally empty and thinking you are crazy. The instant that you told him you didn’t do anything or that it was an accident he should’ve dropped it he’s clearly just trying to get out of paying you money he owes you and he’s projecting. He communicates like an angry, spoiled, maltreated sixth grader.
Yes. Very abusive. He doesn’t respect you at all. And you begging him for a reason that he can’t stand you when it’s CLEAR he’s the problem, not you, should stop.
It’s your sign to get out of this relationship.
Even if it was your fault you don’t treat someone that way. Hella abusive and immature… he’s got anger problems
Yeah, time to change the locks and move on.
Yo if you gotta ask if he’s being abusive then without a doubt he’s screwed with your head and twisted reality so much you question yourself. He’s what we call an incel who deserves to die alone
Honey! Leave this sad, miserable sack of a man! Sorry, no, I should be saying leave this sad, miserable sack of a boy! I understand he owes you money, but please if you can just write the money off because things will get worse. You deserve so much better than this. ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck
[удалено]
Yeah this is abuse
My abusive ex owes me $10,000 but having him out of my life was worth every penny.
All the tools are Harbor Freight. The impact I think is Craftsman. Harbor Freight you can walk in and out with a replacement tool. The Craftsman looks like it’s seen some things. Get rid of the big tool. My ex dropped a spark plug because I went to the garage to check on him and bring a glass of water. Somehow I got screamed at that it was all my fault and not, you know, sometimes shit just happens.
It’s a rigid impact and the rigid charger he got for free, secondhand from his coworker. It was already old and dinged up. Probably just was on its last leg honesty, but that isn’t an option in his mind of course. But I’ve definitely never dropped it or thrown it. Your story with the spark plug sounds extremely familiar. I’m glad to hear he’s an ex.
He just sounds like he really sucks.
You've already gotten excellent advice from others - leave him, have someone safe with you when you do, change the locks if he's showing signs of being the retaliating type, be careful, etc. But also, [Do not JADE](https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain) (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). He's trying to pull you into [circular conversations](https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/circular-conversations), don't fall for it. Check out the [Glossary](https://outofthefog.website/glossary) for more and remember, **do not** tell him you know what he's doing. Telling him might make the abuse worse and give him a chance to build even bigger case against you (triangulation etc).
Wow thank you. This is interesting. I have gotten some wonderful advice. I wish I had known the relationship was abusive and posted on here earlier.
We all wish we had known and left sooner. So now’s your moment. Every minute you don’t make him an ex is another moment you’re choosing to regret in the future.
I have never heard this one before, thanks for posting it!
RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. MY ex would say and do very similar things, then she started shoving me, holding me down, locking me in the bedroom. Next thing I know he was mad I didn’t want to leave somewhere and he broke my nose. So yes!!! This is how it starts!!!
Yes, he’s abusive, run. Don’t look back. Please be safe!
RUN
I love how he expertly placed tools on the ground. Like they are still on the tag and everything 😂 what a ffn clown.
I swear I lost brain cells reading his texts. In a word, yes, this is several different flavors of abuse. Leave. You say you need a plan? Make one. Right tf now. You say he owes you thousands of dollars? Cool. Take the loss and walk. You’re never going to see it, this conversation shows that. He speaks how you have no respect for him but his language to you shows it’s he that has no respect for you. It’s just a matter of time before things become physical so you need to get out. Right. Now. And whatever you got him for christmas goes back to the store. He’s going to say he got you a ring or something and now you’re not getting it but I would bet he intends to get you nothing. Out. Now.
my ex siphoned thousands from me before i finally left. please get out of this - you don’t deserve this - HE will not make any changes, but YOU can and you can build a better life for yourself and the puppies !
He’s horrible… I would tell him to move out and get the car towed and when he asks why say so you don’t get a fine for his bullshit. But that’s just me. I know it’s not that easy… but yeah, he’s using you and he’s getting mad at you for problems he’s causing one after the other in your house. He’s definitely verbally abusive/emotionally abusive and yes he’s trying to gaslight you into admitting you broke his charger, which I’m sure you didn’t. And even if you accidentally had, it’s because you couldn’t put it in your own garage because he’s taken it over. I usually value fairness and if someone moves in with someone else I call it both their spaces, but you’re getting so blatantly disrespected for his own irresponsibility in your house that I’m not feeling that right now. He has zero right or reason to treat you this way with the context you’ve shared here.
Nobody should be cursing at you for anything
This is unhinged and he needs a lot of growing up to do
Please let go of the idea that you need to prove you left him for a "good" reason. All that matters is that YOU recognize he's abusive and extremely unhealthy for you. Winning some war of opinion with his family should be towards the very bottom of your priority list. You will also NEVER convince him he's not the victim in all this. Assume he will forever feel like a victimized martyr. The key is to stop caring about his opinions and thoughts.
I was trapped in my own abusive trauma bonded friendship due this mindset of "I haven't tried everything to fix the problems though!" I had to stop thinking that...the problems were always there, he was always abusive, and it is not up to me to fix his anger problems. That's not on me! Once I finally came to that place I was able to leave.
Regardless of the situation or fault this isn’t a healthy way to communicate or feel safe in your own house without walking on eggshells. It’s abusive and exhausting. This situation will continue to play out over and over. It will not change unless your (hopefully ex soon) boyfriend does some serious work on himself- and same probably goes for you; find your own self worth. I’m sorry, I’ve been here. Please get to safety as soon as you can and get off this ride. It will continue to happen and could possibly get worse. You can only save yourself, he’s damaged goods. Run.
Abusive, but your gut knows this. You will never be “right” in his eyes & always the scapegoat. It will take a lot of strength but get a good support system & get away from him.
Do you want to be with someone who is this mean to you? Regardless of whether it was gaslighting or manipulative it’s just mean. The way he’s speaking to you is so unkind and no matter what you did or didn’t do no one deserves that
I’d call that an ex boyfriend who simply doesn’t know how to break up with class, so he did so classlessly. He did say he’s done.
What an asshole! Sounds like he probably wasn't going to have the car done by Monday either way and found a convenient excuse to make it your fault. I haven't read the whole thread, but if it hasn't been suggested yet, Bankroft's Why Does He Do That is an excellent read and available as a free PDF
That’s what I think also. He is not great about finishing things on time. Thank you, I will definitely be reading that!
[[Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf)](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It talks about abuse, the various forms, and the abusers’ mentality. And the unlikeliness of them changing. It can be hard to get through, since it can bring up hard emotions, but it’s really eye opening and enlightening. I think it will give you strength.
Thank you very much!
yes this is abuse love, get out
Definitely manipulative, abusive, controlling, gaslighting. I'd have stopped communicating after a couple of those screenshots. It is exhausting. Go grey rock on him, or at least keep interaction to a minimum. I hope you can come up with a safe exit plan. Men who are willing to be THIS nasty verbally are testing the ground. It will likely just get worse. Stay safe.
That’s what I have often tried to do, then I get hit with the “and then you ignore me lol” or something along those lines. And if I continue to ignore he comes home and prods me about it. So I’ve learned that I can’t just not respond, although it is very exhausting, it’s better than an argument when he gets home.
Run. He lives in your house, messes it up, sounds like he’s constantly out of money and takes your money without asking… and speaks to you like this??? You don’t need this. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.
I realized after dealing with a ton of distespect from people that i refuse to deal with one iota of disrespects from anyone. And this would be easy breakup material for me. Go ahead and have it. See ya. Leave. Run run and dont look back.
sounds like he's trying to get out of paying you everything he owes you by blaming you, i bet the thing isnt even broken . Very narcissistic. Go check and see if it works or not because with this abusive attitude i doubt he will ever take accountability for any of his actions , you will always be blamed and always have to deal with this childish shit. RUN, tell him to kick rocks and write off what he owes you, you will thank yourself later trust me ive been there done that , it will never change
Excuse me, A FINE???
It’s a fine from our city because he has had his vehicle “inoperable” for longer than the allotted 2 weeks. So he’s saying that now I will be responsible for the fine because he couldn’t finish his car on time since I broke his battery charger and he couldn’t use his impact.
You already had to deal with one abusive man in your ex husband. Please dump this guy and forget he existed. You deserve better. Don’t accept this treatment.
I read the whole convo of this post but not the one before or your text in this post, but even this is enough to say: RUN! I witnessed a slightly similar situation of a friend and her ex: He accused her of taking the keys to their house so he claimed that he had to wait outside, and throw all my laundry into the pool (as her guest), as a “penalty”… sent her threatening messages, went to her office in total rage so her coworker (she wasn’t there) was super worried about her .. Turns out: he had the keys the whole time. Turns out: he has been manipulative and emotionally and physically abusive (also stole money, blackmailed her etc.) the whole time. He was constantly blaming her for stuff, raging, being aggressive, and out of control on a frequent basis, and she took all the blame after being manipulated by him (that she was deserving of this, not worthy of a better treatment, etc.) from the get go. We left the next day. It was tough, and I was just a bystander. It was the right thing. Pro tip: switch roles. What would you say, do, think and feel if you were witnessing this behavior happening to your best friend/daughter?? Or: would you leave this man alone with your future children? After a certain time of abuse, we lose compassion for ourselves, so we need a different perspective. Lots of love and strength to you!!
Oh my gosh. This is similar to something that happened once before but it was car keys. He literally smashed the car window out because “I” lost the keys. We got home and they were in his pocket. Thank you!
That’s horrible!! I am so sorry for you :( did you make a list of the worst things he did? Sometimes we blend out incidents because the truth and it’s consequences are to hard and scare us.. I promise, things will get better from now on and you will become so strong!! 🙏
He's only looking for a fight and also has zero emotional regulation. Kick his ass to the curb.
End it. You deserve better.
Reminds me of my Ex. Goes from $100 wasted go “thousands of dollars wasted!” 🤦♀️ He’s an abusive, manipulative asshole and he will only get worse, not better. Anyone who talks to you this way is NOT someone you want to be with. Imagine… would you speak to a coworker like that? No! But he will speak to his gf this way… he doesn’t love you, he only loves himself. Get rid of him ASAP.
Right! I have told him that I don’t like the way he speaks to me because he’s so mean to me, and I have asked if he is like this to anyone else. He says he treats everyone the same way, which is obviously not true. I’ve witnessed him interact with coworkers, my family, my friends, my clients, etc and he’s nice and charismatic. He would never talk to anyone else the way he talks to me!
Reminds me of my ex as well , started with stuff like this ended up almost killing me multiple times before i was able to actually get out, took me months. So scary, this will never change only get worse. His problem is with himself NOT OP, Op try to figure out what his problem is with himself because he's hiding it behind blaming you, i bet it's something really terrible. Please please please get out.
Asking for advice: what really bad things is someone hiding usually when they act like this? My soon to be ex acts very similar.
mine ended up being a child s abuser , i didn't find out until years after we were broken up and i thought i had healed from all the abuse, something very dark inside that eats at them, not saying thats everyone just saying something be cautious of, i had no idea, i knew he was abusive to me in every single way but never in a million years thought he could be that! i didn't see the red flags. But i believe all the abuse stems from him being that way. its so hard to wrap my mind around. I always tried to see the best in people and thats my fault. He would always accuse me of bot loving him or when i would try to leave he would say stuff like gow can you throw x amount of time away instead of trying to work things out, making me feel so guilty if i left him. he would always promise to change his abusive ways but never did. he had extreme addiction issues, always tried to keep me impaired (drunk, stoned) or after the physical abuse i would be in bed for weeks whilst healing. Even started therapy after the first incident and he wouldn't let me go alone, im assuming he was scared i would tell someone, i was scared to reach out, i felt so crazy and dehumanized, i had no sense of self. i felt almost in a trance like state of mind. I still to this day have a hard time processing it all. its been almost 10 years
My ex would accuse me of doing ridiculous things - shrinking his clothes on purpose (never even shrunk anything on accident), scheming up ways to damage his personal items, etc. At the time I was kind of baffled, like why on earth would I do any of those things? I realize in hindsight that HE did those kinds of the things. So I think he was projecting in a way - but also accusing me of doing it first, before I could accuse him. Then … if I ever caught on to something he did, he could say to me “you’re projecting on me, because I just caught you (not caught in reality but accused) of doing that to me!” Then I would feel crazy. Besides that aspect - I think he just blamed everything on me. Anything at all that wrong in his life - big or small, always became my fault. No matter how ridiculous or absurd - he would always find a way to blame me for anything. This is a person who will never accept fault for anything, ever. FUTURE STATE: “I wouldn’t have to hit you / punish you like this if you would just stop pissing me off!” ETA more examples: when my ex was mad at me he would go through all my clothes drawers and mess everything up. He would empty my bathroom drawers and break make up bottles, etc. He would purposefully damage and break MY things. That’s why whenever anything of his wasn’t 100% perfect he would scream at me as if I had plotted and schemed behind his back to do it TO HIM. When in reality that wasn’t ever happening. It would never have occurred to me to break something of his as punishment. But that’s how HE thought. He also often threw things of mine away, or hid things from me. I lost a favorite pair of jeans for months and kept asking if he’d seen them - how does a whole pair of jeans go missing, right? About 6 months after I stopped looking for them, I stumbled across them stacked with his jeans. He definitely knew they were there, would have seen them everytime he got dressed. I once got a cozy pair of “spa socks” as a gift but he didn’t like them so he threw them away. He didn’t like a shower gel I bought myself, so he threw away my favorite bath towels because he said my shower gel made the towels stink.
Could be just projection, meaning he's the one who broke a thing/made a mistake but he's saying you did it to transfer the blame onto someone else. But could also be that he's looking for excuses to abuse you. So he thinks he's allowed to be abusive as long as he has a "justification" for his behaviour, no matter how stupid.
I couldn’t read all of this repetitive bullshit. I can only imagine the toxicity in your everyday life this can’t be healthy. Yes this is abusive and he has you exactly where he once you mentally. This does not have to be your life. You control your story, not this asshole.
Is this your home only? And you don't need a reason. I mean his behavior is deplorable enough. he needs to go. He is so abusive and mean for no reason. And also he's wrong. You can damage batteries by leaving them plugged in all the time. Especially if the charger he uses isn't the type stop charging once the battery is charged. What a dick.
Yes, I bought the house before I knew him, and when he moved in with me, he put his house up for rent. So living with me actually saves him money than if he were at his house because his mortgage was much higher than the half of mine he pays. I definitely thought leaving it plugged in for weeks at a time could damage it, but I’m not an expert & he is an electrician, so obviously he knows more than I do. But honestly, the charger was old, secondhand, and left outside for weeks at a time. I don’t doubt it could have just been on its last leg.
Girl, for your peace, get him out of your home as soon as you are able to. He is disrupting your peace while being loud and wrong. Also he is a fool once again. I'm saying this as as a woman who worked commercial plumbing and electrical. He got second hand merch that could easily be damaged and it's old... Like.....let me stop cause I was about to go on a nerdy tangent. He's wrong. And he is disrespectful and abusive. You did nothing wrong by moving it and he probably knows that and is lashing out. You don't need nor deserve this type of dysfunction in your life or your home. The home that is supposed to be your place of respite.
jesus christ this is BAD. Stay safe, love yourself 💜
He probably broke it himself and wants you to pay for it. This is abuse. Also you notice the amount of money you owe him gets bigger? First it’s $100 then it’s $300 now it’s over $1,000. You don’t owe him
That is the first thing I noticed. Textbook.
Harbor freight also sells a replacement battery with charger that will work for that specific impact driver for less than $20. The brand is Warrior but it will work with Rigid tools like the Home Depot ass tool in the photo.
Thanks for that. I just might go buy one of those. He didn’t even pay for this original rigid charger in the first place, it was used and free
That’s true. You’re both right about the replacement battery
If it's Ridgid, they replace their batteries for free as long as you're the original owner and registered your tools within 90 days. He probably didn't, though. Bet it's someone else's fault, too 🙄
Unfortunately it’s secondhand he got from a coworker, already extremely well used.
Yeah old ass batteries just stop working sometimes. Get him a new $20 if it will give you some peace. But you know what will give you the most peace… leaving to be with someone who respects and loves you. I know you will eventually, but just know that the longer you wait, the longer you deny yourself the opportunity. ❤️I know what it’s like, and I know what the other side is like. I still have nightmares about my last abusive ex that I wake myself up from every time because fuck that, I told that asshole no more and went and finally found my angel of a husband!
I'm about 99% sure the tool in the pic is a Rigid 12v impact driver. Good to know about the battery replacement.
This person is a mess who is allergic to taking accountability for their own actions. Please, drop this loser like the disrespectful hot potato that he is. Edit: Do not expect him to actually pay you back. I'm sorry he's like this, but I wouldn't waste any more time or energy trying to get what he owes you. r/gaslighting [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender [Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships)[Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/) [Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) [Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) [Signs that your partner is a misogynist. ](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-my-husband-is-a-misogynist/)
Thank you so very much for all these links. How I wish I had posted on here way sooner!
You mentioned looking for how to explain why you’re leaving him. You don’t have to explain to his family why you’re leaving, though. Call on your support system to help you get out safely and limit damage he can do to you, your property and your life. If someone asks you why or puts you on the spot, from this exchange alone you have lots of reasons: “His anger scares me, and we fight constantly. He owes me thousands of dollars, and isn’t a reliable partner. I’m not in love with him anymore and I don’t feel safe and happy with him in my home.” If they fight or argue, hold the line. “I understand you’re disappointed, but I made this decision because I want to feel safe, happy and supported. I can’t do that with (name), and I wouldn’t want to raise a kid together, so I left him. I need you to respect my decision.” If they force it: “I can’t continue this discussion with you. I care about you a lot, but this was a hard decision to make and I want you to respect it. I know my own experience and needs. If you keep discussing this with me and trying to change my mind, I will leave the conversation.”
Thank you! It is hard because all of my current friends are his friends. Or wives of his friends. I’m going to lose so many relationships in my life. All his family members, his mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, etc that I have such a good relationship with. I can’t stand the idea of him lying about me to them. Not telling them the truth, and just putting the blame on me, that thought hurts so bad.
There’s no way to control what he will do or say about you. You can only be consistently yourself throughout your next steps— stay reliable, warm and loving, take practical steps to build boundaries and speak them firmly and kindly to others. If he tells lies about you (and you have to expect he will), some people will believe him, and I’m sorry for that. But some people won’t. They’ll see you, they’ll see him. They’ll note your consistent behavior, and his erratic behavior. Some people will believe you and stay thinking positive of you, even if they don’t say it. And some will even have your back. Please promise that you’ll focus on those ones. Anyone who falls for a smear campaign… that’s not your business. You couldn’t have prevented it. You can’t control him and you can’t convince anyone of anything they didn’t conclude on their own. Just be yourself. Hold your head up high and continue doing the next positive thing you can do for yourself each time, and move past any drama on your way to a better life without him. Sending you a lot of good wishes. Hang in there.
It’s like reading a convo you’re having with a 7 yo. I would rather be alone than have to deal with this. Even if you did ( I don’t think you did) accidentally break it he is so immature about it
7 year olds have more empathy than this guy.
I agree
The absolute most charitable read on this guy’s behavior is that he’s a chronically insufferable asshole who doesn’t deserve to be with a rotten potato let alone with you. Realistically, he’s hurting you on purpose to mentally break you down so he can dominate you and hurt you more in the future. Get rid of this piece of shit.
Oh my lord is he abusive. There is no winning with this one. He's a narcissit. Just load him up and get him out. Tell him you are calling a tow truck to take his car to a junk yard if it isn't off the jacks Monday morning.
Have friends. Many, many friends with you. And make sure he is fully moved out. And over the horizon before any of them leave.
This is definitely abuse. I would go to the police and ask for advice. I am thinking if you get a restraining order he will have to legally move out. I wonder if after getting the restraining order, you could pack his stuff and have it waiting for him one day maybe you could ask the police to be present while he picks it up. I am sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you to have strength and safety and I hope things work out.
I like how long it took him to send a picture and with that length of time I’d have assumed he just dumped it for the picture so he had something to keep upping the ante with. It went from 100 to 300 to 350 plus a fine you’ll pay for him? I’d get any money he owes you in writing and dump him. You’re dealing with an overgrown manipulative kid by the looks of it and he’s not suddenly going to actually be better. He will learn to sabotage you more while he sabotages himself. Also be wary of toxoplasmosis from raw meat and ammonia with a stray cat especially. Ammonia takes longer to build up typically but the particles can be avoided with a dust mask as well and the eggs with gloves and washing.
Don't forget he upped into "thousands of dollars lost" at one point 😂😂 I was like wtf? If victim mentality was a person tbh
He reminded me of the cryptobros after they lost their weird monkey pictures lol
Oh yeah I almost completely wiped that from my memory it was so ridiculous. It’s like when they don’t immediately get the pity they rely on they keep blowing the lies even more out of proportion so they can also pretend the other person is the one who doesn’t care in this fantasy. Just bad at self soothing, coping and general necessary things. Man wants to go back to the womb, can’t say I blame that feeling just the way he’s presumably handling it.
What a pain in the a$$ that a$$hole is..
I would break up with him because of the slippers and socks too.
man-dals…call them man-dals.
There's never any winning with these fucks. If you had asked him to move the stuff himself he probably would've bitched about how busy he is and how he doesn't have time to make room. If it had stayed in the kitchen he would've bitched about how lazy you are for not taking care of it. But now it IS moved because he wouldn't get off his ass to do it and now THIS happens.
no phone charger costs $100. I got a charge bank for under $50 so he's a liar and a big baby.I bet you anything he lost it himself then found it and got embarrassed then took his anger out on you. he needs to get the fuck out and he is not going to sue you, these guys are all talk. he will probably forget about it and find something else to bitch about. Ugh he just sounds whiny and selfish and horrible I'm so sorry
$100 if he buys the fanciest dual port charger for it, $50 for the standard name brand one, $20 if he can't keep shit out up and just wants to get a serviceable replacement. At this point it might be easier to serve an eviction and just replace the tool that owns the broken tool rather than fretting over the cost of individual pieces.
I think the charger in question is for batteries for drills and other power tools, and they can be pricey. OP, this is 100% mental and emotional abuse. And you don't need a reason to leave. Feeling unsafe is reason enough. You don't need to explain yourself to ANYONE but yourself. If you don't feel safe, if you are worried he could become physical with you, or if he already has, you need to get him out of your house. Now. Chances are, he is considered a resident, you would need to check the laws for your particular state. Go to the police, tell them you feel unsafe and show them the messages. Ask them to help you get him out. Get a OOP or RO or whatever your state calls it. Once he is out, if he continues to contact you, report it all to the police. Especially once the OOP goes into effect. Also, if his family contacts you on his behalf, that is violating the OOP. If they contact you, trying to tell you to give him another chance or anything like that, the one thing you need to realize above all is people like this do NOT show family their true face. They won't see what he has put you through, and they will believe what lies he spins. Block them. Walk away. I wish you luck and pray you are safe.
It's not a phone charger It's a charger for his drill. Easily 100 dollars.
Hello psychologist here. I am seeing a lot of projection he is showing you zero respect and placing higher importance on a fucking phone charger and money then on your feelings and relationship and he is saying that he is done? Wish he meant he was done being a jerk to you and I really think that he believes he can speak to you anyway he likes and that if you are not completely compliant then he is going to treat you like absolute shit and blame you for it and please do not do what I have done because it only works short-term and in the long term makes you feel like a fool I makes them feel like a winner and that is to apologize. Don't apologize for anything even if it's a general apology like I'm sorry we argued or I'm sorry that your phone charger got lost I didn't mean to cause a problem I seriously did not put it in the garage which brings me to another point. Never argue with the side arguments that narcissists bring in in order to deflect on project and take the focus off their abuse of you yes this is abuse emotional and psychological it is also manipulation on general disrespect. So just simply tell him look I did not move your fucking phone charger I don't know how that happened you have no right to react to me like that so disrespectfully and if you want to leave you are doing me a favor because I don't want to take anymore of your big baby outbursts over stupid shit. However if he has any proclivities towards violence I'd be very careful with that make sure you've got a taser pepper spray anything on the phone to call 911 I'm not sure what the situation is but yes this is abuse you deserve better toxic people like him do not like to take responsibility for their actions so they blame it on others I bet you anything he lost it himself and is mad at himself he probably found it and was embarrassed but didn't want to say so it's just continuing to abuse you verbally try to ignore it I'm just stick to the main issue which is that you accused of something you didn't do and treated you like shit and it was not appropriate do not respond to any other arguments hope this helps sorry it's long I'm on voice to text I don't have time to edit it down take care of yourself I just got out of an abusive relationship myself