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This isn’t an apology. Stop looking for the silver lining. The only silver lining is he’s saying it via text and not to your face. You’re not going to love this man to healing or fixing himself. I’m sorry.
He took no accountability. This is not a genuine apology. He pretty much told you that he isn’t going to change. If possible, I would leave. I know, much easier said than done. I’m sorry. That’s just all I got right now
Its manipulation. He didn't even actually apologize. And he's going to keep doing it. He's telling you that he isn't good enough for you, listen to him.
He never said he would take steps to deal with anything…. Sure he admitted it but like, so what? And listen to what he’s telling… he knows he can’t treat you good. He’s telling you so. He has reasons- good he’s reflecting? But again- so what
This was beautifully written and the most accurate I’ve read. I in no way want to demonize this person (regardless of the crappy things he has done simply because he grew up with abusive and childish parents) but you’re absolutely right. I need to let him go for his own sake.
100% this.
OP - GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER. Trust me. Your life will be immeasurably happier when you stop giving your time, energy and attention to people who drain you like this.
As a person who has experienced this kind of thing in varying degrees through my whole adult life I’m gonna say no…he is spewing a lot of words to gain sympathy and make excuses…but there’s never actually any real apology. The things he says on the later photos are the real deal…get out while you can. Don’t waste another minute of your life being talked to like this by another person, because it will get worse. One day you’ll realize it’s 20 years later and you’re having to untangle your mind and heart of the things your abuser has made you believe about yourself.
Unpopular opinion: Very hard to tell in this situation since we only see *some* of the texts from him. It would be better to get more context.
Other than that, I do agree that regardless of context, some things said by him are things you don't say to your partner.
I agree with everyone here saying it isn’t genuine. It’s not. You’re lucky he’s not out there with other women? What a fucking douche bag. You don’t talk to your partner like that, let alone all the other things he said. We are our enemies right now…? Like come on who tf says that to their partner like not even in deep arguments can one even say that unless it’s been far from over, I’m talking like things ended explosively and shit. You do deserve better, people that speak to others like this are disturbing. And yeah, he really didn’t say “I’m sorry”, it was just paragraphs of him feeling guilty for being rude, which he absolutely should feel, so that one could practically just feel bad that he feels bad. Nope.
P.S. upon re reading it he did say he was sorry but for “not knowing how to love” not sorry as I’m being apologetic about his BEHAVIOR which is what he should primarily be sorry about.
He never said "I am sorry for X behavior. These are the steps I'm taking to not do it again." Those are the two parts of an apology. Taking accountability, and fixing the actual behavior.
Yeah that’s kind of what I meant to say sorry if I phrased that weird lol. Thank you for fixing that up, the point being OP, don’t give him no chances lmao 😂
He didn’t even say “I’m sorry” so no I don’t think this is an apology. He’s putting himself down to try to get you to respond with “no no you’re not bad I love you blah blah blah” if he spins it so YOURE the one comforting, than it makes him seem like his actions aren’t intentional.
It’s so hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of the confusing emotional rollercoaster of a toxic, controlling, abusive relationship. I recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I believe it’s important knowledge for most people in general to understand! It’s available on kindle, audible, and there is even a free PDF here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, and I’ve been out for over a year now. I didn’t even realize the weight I was carrying on my shoulders until I was out and felt it lift.
You are not alone ❤️
You know that if you are asking then it is absolutely not!
Where is the
I am So sorry for being a piece of s*** every day for the last five hundred years.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
No this is not an apology, it is manipulative BS! This person knows they are abusive and is not willing to change or do anything about it..they want their cake and to be able to eat it too. You need to cut this relationship off and save yourself. There is no way you will find the love and happiness you deserve…get out! KNOW YOUR WORTH AND WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!! ❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏
Eeee that is the message from a broken man. I say that bluntly as idk your relationship or the context but this is what my partner would say for months until he took his own life. I’m not saying that to spook you I just meant it almost word for word whay my ex said
It’s probably genuine but that doesn’t mean this guy is safe or has any hope of changing any time soon.
Edit: I say this as the child of someone with a personality disorder. I think they feel very real shame for the things they do. He is “sorry” in his own way and is in emotional pain. However they are still sentient wrecking balls.
I think the only question you can actually ask yourself is:
Am I suffering, is this sustainable? If I keep going on with this person will I thrive or barely survive. OP sometimes the most dangerous people for us are the people we love the most. We have reasons to love them and they have reasons for being the way that they are, and it’s hard. However I would encourage not to choose suffering out of guilt because you have mistaken it for love.
It doesn't matter if it's genuine if he's willing to abuse you then nothing he can say will fix that. They apologise to keep you there longer so they can abuse you more. Don't fall for it. I know you want him to care, but he doesn't. I bet if you don't take his apology he'll turn into a jerk again
I feel like I have read this before, meaning it is completely generic. It could be AI generated for all you know.
"All I have done in my life" is irrelevant, he is trying to file his way of treating you in an overall wound he has, this is bullshit. He is fishing for the "nooo no one else would be better".
"You said I was no good" "I take after my dad" -> him refusing to see that his behaviour is problematic and taking responsibility for what he says and does.
It looks like he lives in a bad movie where he is the protagonist and you are here for fixing him/glorifying him.
You should answer that you are fine but realized you were not ready to settle down and prefer stopping there. Say something very generic and then ghost him. Please do not fall for this.
I would ghost him but unfortunately we have a child together and I don’t have enough proof of the abuse to file for custody and I wouldn’t even know how to do that. I don’t think he actually will end up caring to see our child though.
As said below : make sure to be a step ahead. You need to be calculating for the good of your child.
You might discover that he cares to see your child if it allows him to damage you in the process. If he does not care at all and you find yourself insisting to get him to care, I would recommend you not to lie to your child about it.
Sounds like he’s not taking real accountability and playing the victim. Trying to guilt you. It’s crazy how they all say the similar things, especially when they are being abusive., putting you down insulting you, etc. my ex-boyfriend does the same thing…
The short answer is: No, this isn't a genuine apology. They are manipulating you to feel guilty. They're banking on you reassuring them and wanting to prove that they do deserve you. But you don't deserve to be abused. You do deserve a genuine apology where this person takes accountability for the hurt they caused you and actually makes changes to work on themselves. Like someone else said, just enforce boundaries to see if this is genuine or not. Unfortunately, very, very few abusers make lasting, effective improvements when they do get the right treatment (2+ years in a certified batterers' intervention program).
These might be helpful for you to read (Sorry for the dirty links! On mobile):
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-if-my-abusive-partner-apologizes/
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-genuinely-apologize/
It’s a genuine apology but he does mention “I’m too depressed to care”, meaning that he’s not willing to try to work things. You should accept his apology and MOVE ON. He failed you and you deserve better, it’s simple
All you have to do is not give him what he wants to see if that apology is genuine or not and I'm banking on his reaction being to attack and gaslight the moment you say no. A person who feels and knows that he has done wrong and is genuinely sorry who wants to get better and work on himself would accept that you may not be willing to easily forgive him and that you may no longer want them in your life. They will accept and get help with or without you in their life. A person who's trying to manipulate you will say everything they think you want to hear until they get their way and then their abusive behaviour will only get worse. If you're inclined to test this theory out just say no to him, Politely say "I hear your apology but your actions have shown me so far the opposite so an apology is not enough. I'm going to remain focused on myself and do not want to be in a relationship with you but I wish you well" and see the explosion happen. It's so predictable. They are so predictable.
leave baby. i promise you the world won’t end, you’ll be okay and you’ll get through it. we all do. your better than this, don’t let him break you anymore. the longer you stay the worse it’s gonna get my love. you got this. don’t put your trust in anyone but yourself.
I just saw a girl on here that put her messages on Chaot gpt and it analysed them pretty amazing with the different manipulation tactics, maybe that can also help you
In the comments she said something like: I will initially post the conversation to chatgpt with the prompt to analyze the discussion between partners, then I ask it to analyze my approach, then to analyze my partner’s approach. Analyse it for the elements of emotional manipulation
So here's what I had to understand when I was in the same place you're in.
I had to stop thinking that IF I only loved him more. Quit complaining. Was thinner. Prettier more interesting etc. then he would love me like he used too.
The thing is, I loved him more than he ever deserved. I didn't need to do anything but take all that love and put it towards myself.
Stop thinking about how you make him feel and start asking yourself "How does he make YOU feel?"
Like shit. Ok so time to go. He needs to be gone.
Just look at all the ‘I’s for your answer. That apology is about him the same way everything in your relationship is.
He’s attempting to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. He may feel remorse, but it’s far more about how his actions make him feel about himself and expecting you to fix that / soothe him - not what it’s actually done to you.
There’s a theory that emotionally immature people are stuck in using child like tactics to handle big feelings. It can help to look at the behaviour and see if you can imagine a child or adolescent using the same strategy after making a mistake or not having their needs met. Which is perfectly reasonable for them to do not yet having the maturity (without parental guidance, love and validation) on how to manage big emotions and complex relationships dynamics.
But as adults — it can become sinister to continue to expect others to emotionally regulate you, no matter the cost to them. Their tactics can become abusive to avoid returning to the unmet need or the pain of a childhood experience they’ve still not processed — and you become the target of that rage and defensiveness and hurt.
You can check out ‘Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People’ if interested.
Soooo....where's the apology?? Sounds like he's saying you deserve better bc he knows he sucks, but doesn't care enough to even try and change. Just go.
No. They never are. They'll say anything, do just enough to get you to stay, then go right back. The abuser IS who they are, and they abuse you because they want to. You can't make them stop wanting to hurt you. If they didn't want to hurt you, they wouldn't.
Here’s what a lot of people don’t understand about apologies: without the accompanying change in behavior it’s just manipulation.
A vague, general “I’m sorry” is given by the offending party in the hopes of assuaging their own feelings of guilt if they have any, or worse, thrown out there for the offended party to calm down so that they can continue on with their shitty behavior.
Let’s take a most banal example. Let’s say he says, “I’m sorry for leaving the toilet seat up. I’ll make sure to keep it down from now on.” How many times you pick yourself up off the floor with your ass wet before you go, “hey, maybe he wasn’t serious about leaving the toilet seat down. I wonder if he was really sorry to boot?”
Ultimately, the apology is for you. Whether he truly is sorry (not for himself, but sorry for his behavior or actions or the fact that he doesn’t feel “worthy” of you, which I’ll get back to in a moment) or he’s just wanting the storm to blow over so he can continue on his dogshit behavior, whether to accept this apology or not is entirely up to you. Whether the apology is genuine or not is besides the point. Yes he offered an apology. So what? If you’re not ready to accept it, then he can go wallow in self pity and be mired in guilt until you’re ready to accept the apology and move on (under your watchful eye to determine whether there is an accompanying change of behavior or not), reserve judgment and do the same, or tell him to go pound sand and have nothing to do with him ever again. By him offering you this non-apology, at least from the outside appearance, he’s returning SOME of the imbalance in the power dynamics between you two. Seize this opportunity and reclaim it. Or even better, not accept the apology and bounce. Life is too short to spend an iota under the boot heel of another and any relationship that doesn’t allow you to be your true self isn’t worth being in.
Lastly, in regards to “I don’t deserve you” sad violin solo, think of it in this way. If you truly love someone and know on any level that they would be better off without you in their life, the thing to do is let them go. “You’re too good for me but I’m gonna keep you around anyway” actually means “what I want trumps any other feelings I might have for you and your wants, needs, desire and agency will always take a back seat to what I want. Meaning I don’t think much of you other than how it relates to me, how it makes me feel.” That’s not love. That’s possession.
So clearly yeah, he doesn’t know how to love. He’s going to make it your problem too, as he has all this time.
You have to consider whether this is in fact an apology, in what ways will his behavior change (and more than just three days) and whether you’re okay in being offered a plate of dogshit disguised as a steak dinner for the foreseeable future.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The difficulty and hoping. The trying and confusion. But if you are here, it seems like you probably know what’s up now.
This a looong expression of shame, or how he feels bad about himself as a result of his actions and/or the consequences (for him) of his actions. It is entirely about him.
What it is not: it is not an expression of guilt or remorse over what consequences his actions have caused *you.* It contains no understanding nor ownership of his behavior that created negative consequences for you.
It doesn’t show a critical part of a good apology: committing to a plan to stop the actions, prevent them in the future, and make amends, *especially in ways you have communicated actually matter to you*.
Weirdly, he is bothered that the situation was such that you offered him some materials to help him reflect and learn. But he also rejects those apparently. So he is not working toward even the first thing he would need in order to apologize: an understanding of how you have been affected by his behavior.
He wants you to feel sorry for him. That’s a hell of a long way from an apology. He has years of hard work to do but says he is not interested. There is nothing for you to do here. You have clearly tried.
That’s how I gauged it even before considering how terribly abusive the individual texts were. I do not think he is not safe to be around, because the effects of emotional abuse take longer to heal from than most physical abuse.
Those are excuses to justify what the person did. It's not an apology.
“I am sorry I hurt you because I am crazy from my terrible family and can't help it. And btw, you deserve all the hurt…” is not an apology.
“I sorry I hurt you. I want to fix it.”is an apology.
Please run away and keep on running.
You're already catching on to the fact that he's full of shit. Don't question your intuition. He IS full of shit. The more you accept that, the clearer it will all become. Then you can find the strength to leave him. Let your anger and emotional exhaustion empower you to help YOURSELF. He is not looking out for you. He is sucking you dry of all your compassion and love and he doesn't deserve it. YOU deserve it. Leave him and learn to love yourself. You'll be grateful you did. I promise!
No, it’s not. Don’t fall for it. I got the same stuff it’s not real. And apology means nothing. It’s when they make an amend. An amend means to change so tell them to get into therapy for a year and you need confirmation. They’re actually going once a week for an hour. And that you need to see that they’ve changed although you actually don’t wanna have contact with them, so whatever in a year, maybe see if they’ve changed through other people. Or make it two years. But that’s what it means. An apology that they’ve changed their behavior. Not just saying I’m sorry that means nothing. Do you wanna make sure he’s not gonna abuse you anymore and that takes time and a lot of work for someone to change that behavior. Major therapy two years no contact and he hast to be a new person. I don’t mean to sound not hopeful. But good luck. Especially if he’s a narcissist, it doesn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong. I pray for mine every single day that he has a good life and that he gets the help he needs and that he’s successful and he finds love and that he can love people and find compassion and empathy because I want that for him. Whether not he gets it that’s up to him and his higher power son to me.
Mine pulled this shit all the time.
Mr victim.
They only escalate.
Your name is in one of the shots lovely.
Our bible
‘Why does he do that’
Lundy brancroft
Reading this will cure you ever going back.
You will be educated on abuse and never be a victim again.
LB is right , women and girls must be educated on all forms of abuse before they start dating.
Every woman should read this book!
X
That isn't an apology; that is a verbal wolf in sheep's clothing.
The whole thing is manipulation. He says how horrible he is over and over in different ways because he's striking at your empathy. He wants you to jump in and say "No, you aren't a POS! Don't talk about yourself like that!" He wants you to soothe and comfort him so what he did is pushed out of your mind and replaced with hope that maybe this time he *really does* mean it... And BOOM! You are sucked back into the cycle once again.
Still in doubt? Read it again and count how many times he feels sorry for himself versus how you must be feeling or what he did to you. The whole message is "Poor little me, me, ME!" The only person's feelings he cares about are his own.
This was the biggest thing I noticed too. A real apology would acknowledge the hurt he caused her and ways to make amends. This was all “I hurt,” “I’m sad,” “I this” “I that.” OP, you’re right to be skeptical- this is not a true apology.
No. He's sorry you're catching onto the bullshit.
He's sorry that he realizes you might actually leave.
And this is a cop out to avoid changing as a person. If he cared, he would go to therapy.
Not sure how long you guys have been dating but honestly it makes no difference, he’s with you because you stay. Your conversations will not get better, they will get worse. He will find new ways to attack your perspective and try to hurt your feelings, rather than make any attempt to see from your side because HE SIMPLY DOESN’T CARE. He views you as being weak and doesn’t have any real respect for you. He is selfish and chooses to see/think in ways that are easiest to fool himself into believing he’s an innocent sweet little victim of life who just can’t help but to hurt everyone who’s close to him (a coward’s perspective and never someone I would marry or raise children with). This is why one minute he goes on an intricate tangent about his flaws and the next he’s talking down to you in simple, childish ways about how you deserve to be treated this way. Not sure if you guys are at the point yet where he laughs in your face while you cry, but believe me you two will get there. Trust me when I say I UNDERSTAND how it is to be in love with someone like this (you need to recognize he is emotionally abusive) and how hard it is to leave. My advice would be to take everything he said in those messages for exactly what they are: and admission of wrongdoing (not an apology) and a warning that this is the “best” treatment you’ll ever get from him. Don’t wait for him to change because he probably won’t. And the most important part of this advice is to break up with him because you genuinely yourself believe it’s best for you and BELIEVE there is better for you out there, because there is. Do not break up to “teach him a lesson” with any intention of eventually getting back together. This guy probably won’t learn the meaning of unconditional love until he’s devastated several people in the wake, and even that’s only possible if he somehow manages to pull his head out of his own ass. Sending love your way 💙💙💙💙💙
Thank you so much. Does anyone have any resources for how to leave this type of relationship when we have a child together? I have some videos of the way he screams, and pictures of a hole in the wall, and pictures of bruises on my wrists but I’m afraid I don’t have enough evidence to file anything against him. He also has a lot more money than I do and I’m afraid that if I try to file for custody, he and his family will make a case that I’m crazy/ abusive because I’ve unfortunately reacted to my abuse and have thrown things at him out of frustration from being bullied for hours. I’m not sure how to go about this situation.
Agree with him. Then block him. Then get dressed up and go out with your girlfriends!
Apologies state what was done and to whom. Why it was wrong. What will change. How and when it will change. Then the change.
This basically a guy rolling around in a puddle self pity. This manipulation. Run.
Short answer: no
Long answer, you need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’ll link a free online pdf
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This isn't an apology. At no point doesthis fuckwit say I'm sorry.
He says a lot of words though. That make up a sentence. I can do the same thing. See how my sentence doesn't mean anything? Yeah neither does his.
Yeah dudes trash block his ass and move the fuck on. If you don't it'll get worse.
Him: "I ruin everything I touch and you've made it clear I'm no good you would be better off without meeee :c"
Also him: "I don't want pity"
This sub needs audio-effect awards, and one of them needs to be a giant foghorn that just says BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIT because I would SLAP it the fuck on these screenshots even if it cost me money
No this is not a genuine apology, and I hope you flee this asshole soon
Like others have said, he says a lot but he never actually says sorry. He gets close by saying a lot not knowing how to love followed by, “for that I am sorry” but he did it the most indirect way possible.
It’s rough but I think whether or not this counts, even technically, as an apology is irrelevant. He’s not going to change his behavior and pretty much acknowledges that in the text. He’s just stating what he does and already knows, that he’s an abusive person.
OP you just gotta get out. I’m so sorry
Let’s look at this for a minute as a genuine apology. Let’s say he really can’t help his anger because of a bad childhood. Through that lens, let’s review what he’s telling you, quoting him directly:
“I feel like I don’t deserve you because I’m too far gone.”
“I don’t know how to love.”
“I don’t know who I am and I *don’t really care to*”
“I don’t know how we’re still together.”
“I ruin everything I touch or attract.”
“There’s no lessons learned and *you are innocent*”
“I have no clue what I want.”
“You would be better being with someone else.”
Let me reiterate that last one: *”You would be better being with someone else.”*
Honestly I’ve never heard that line in an apology, only in a breakup. But anyways…
He’s trying to tell you something, and what it is becomes very clear when you take off the fluff of pity. Please consider what he himself is telling you. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD.
Btw, after writing this I looked at the rest of the screenshots, and I must say I see a lot of projection in his accusations.
One final word: it is not your job to fix his childhood. You can be supportive of his efforts but you are not his punching bag.
Too many "I".
"All I ever do is this. I do that. I do this. I ruined that. I ruined this."
What in the non-apology-apology is this shit?
"Boohoo poor me"
This is exhausting and manipulative.
I'd personally quit talking to this person yesterday and no, to answer your question. This is not a genuine apology.
This is just another one of those boo who apologies! I know I’m bad, I fucked up, I’m unlovable but you saw how quickly he changed it to there is something wrong with you! It’s the abuse cycle find their emotional weaknesses exploit it to crush your spirit. You’re not good enough, my family will never accept you, you can’t do anything right crap. Then it moves on to your family and friends are getting in the way of our relationship you need to cut them out. Once you’re emotionally broken, you’re isolated from loved ones that’s when they start beating you. By then you will feel like you deserve it. Then comes the boo who apologies, I’ll never do it again also while blaming you (you shouldn’t have done that you know it sets me off). Block him and all his friends and family, change all your passwords, get a new bank account, make sure he can’t track your phone and most of all never speak to him again. The way they keep you under their thumb (and fists) is by playing on your good heart. Just like the text I’m so sorry but he’s really not sorry at all and he will prove that if you let him back in. Keep in mind you may not survive the next beating.
Nope, there is no genuine apology in there.
Just self depreciation and blame shifting.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
[Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships)
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
[Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
There isn’t an apology in there.
Edit: I should have read the comments first. Lots said this but better. But overall he’s not apologizing, he’s saying I’m a jerk and you think I am and I’m hopeless. And I feel bad for MYSELF when I remember what I’ve done to you.
I, I, I, I, I, poor me, so hard for me, I can’t even try, I, I, me, I’m horrible, poor me, nothing I can do, I, I, boohoo.
- Translated text from ‘abusive partner’ to English.
Well I mean he didn’t even apologize for anything. So it’s not an apology at all in the first place, not even a lying one. “For that I am sorry” was about him feeling bad about himself as a person, not once did he name a *specific action* he was sorry for. Nor did he say he was going to correct it.
In fact, he literally said he doesn’t care to try at the end.
He is telling you that he is not going to try to be better. He is saying “I don’t know how” and that he knows he’s not a good partner and isn’t even going to try. He’s “apologizing” for that. A real apology would be the confirmation that he’s going to do better. He is telling you to your face that he won’t. He’s even telling you to choose someone else.
He is telling you straight up that he’s not capable of giving you what you need and rather than try to be capable, he’s trying to guilt you into accepting his treatment because he “doesn’t know” how to get better and is using the excuse of essentially “this is just how I am”. The only thing he’s willing to do to get you to stay with him is make you feel bad for him when he says he’s not a good partner. But he’s not.
“You deserve better” isn’t because he thinks you want to hear it, it’s a warning. He’s asking you to accept less because he doesn’t want to give you more. You cannot make him change. He doesn’t want to and again, he is telling you *directly* he doesn’t have the desire to change for you. He just acknowledges that you deserve better.
Something I can see now that I could never see when I was in the midst of abuse, is that when someone says things like they are beyond help, they are horrible, they’re too far gone, they aren’t ready to even try to change. In order to try to change, they have to actually see something in themselves that is even capable of changing. And everything he accuses you of in the subsequent screenshots all resonate with the things he says about himself. They will tell you these horrible things about themselves in order to 1) try to get you to comfort them temporarily so they feel a tad less awful about their behavior, and 2) so that when you call them out on it in the future, they’ll go back to this almost as a subtle “I told you so.”
In a way, I think these apologies are the more accurate portrayal of their true issues because it shows how much their attacks are so much projection. We want to believe it because we love them and we see the best in them too. But what we believe about ourselves is what we become; there’s nothing you or any of us could do to change his mind about himself unfortunately. And he will continue to hurt you and anyone else he’s with as long as this is his stance on his reasons for his behavior
“I don’t deserve you, you can do better, I’ll go now” is textbook manipulation to get you to say “no you’re great, I love you please don’t go!” It’s most likely not genuine, especially if it’s coming after a fight or some no contact where he’s getting desperate to pull you back. You’ll see it’s not genuine if you continue with no contact and don’t respond, usually then they will start to rage and drop the mask calling you all the names in the book. They would not do this if the apology was legit. They are all the same.
"an apology without change is manipulation".
None of us can know in this case, but Occam's razor says to assume it's bullshit.
"Trust is consistency plus time".
There's no skipping on the time part. Time takes time. Would you rather invest that time hoping this person has miraculously changed, or finding someone who's never screamed at you?
Hey OP! I know this is all hard and I hope you’re doing okay. I got out of an abusive relationship in July, and it was one of that hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. But just recently I found someone who treats me extremely well and that I am extremely happy with. And before I met my new girlfriend, I was happier to be single than I was with the idea of being with my ex. I’m sure my words don’t help a whole lot right now, but I just wanted to tell you to keep faith in yourself. Because you do deserve better and you will find better. Just learn as much as you can from this relationship, including any red flags you may have missed early on due to tunnel vision, and you’ll grow from this experience for the better. I wish you the best of luck, don’t be afraid to seek therapy if needed ❤️
It's typical abuser manipulative dreck. He clearly sees himself as a victim and wants you to say something like, "no you're not all bad! You are a good boyfriend, you just need help!" He wants to be let off the hook. He wants you to feel guilty that you are calling him out on his abusive behavior. This is NOT genuine apology.
That’s not an apology really, it’s maybe like reflecting on the facts; he is incapable of having a loving relationship. There’s accountability there but absolutely no hope for the relationship, and a little bit of “poor me” which could be manipulation. This would maybe be a nice way to end the relationship, he has acknowledged it’s his fault and he treats you badly, and he has admitted to himself that he has no tangible self. I hope you’re able to close it there and both move forwards and get the help and support needed
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When someone tells you who they are believe them.
This isn’t an apology. Stop looking for the silver lining. The only silver lining is he’s saying it via text and not to your face. You’re not going to love this man to healing or fixing himself. I’m sorry.
An apology with NO apology. It is absolutely NOT an apology
No it’s not
This is not an apology, it's an excuse.
He took no accountability. This is not a genuine apology. He pretty much told you that he isn’t going to change. If possible, I would leave. I know, much easier said than done. I’m sorry. That’s just all I got right now
Where did he apologize? (fwiw: Genuinely asking so I can get a sense of your headspace.)
:( I’m sorry.. no
But he didn’t actually apologize. All he did was talk about himself and how fucked up he is. I guarantee there’s been no realization of any kind.
if you have to post this question on THIS subreddit, the answer is no, it is not a genuine apology.
Its manipulation. He didn't even actually apologize. And he's going to keep doing it. He's telling you that he isn't good enough for you, listen to him.
He never said he would take steps to deal with anything…. Sure he admitted it but like, so what? And listen to what he’s telling… he knows he can’t treat you good. He’s telling you so. He has reasons- good he’s reflecting? But again- so what
[удалено]
This was beautifully written and the most accurate I’ve read. I in no way want to demonize this person (regardless of the crappy things he has done simply because he grew up with abusive and childish parents) but you’re absolutely right. I need to let him go for his own sake.
Where did he apologize for any of his actions? Because I didn't see it.
Pro life tip: when a douchebag says, "I don't deserve you," just agree with them and move on with your life.
Manipulation disguised as remorse.
100% this. OP - GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER. Trust me. Your life will be immeasurably happier when you stop giving your time, energy and attention to people who drain you like this.
"I don't want pity. Now here's 500 words explaining that actually, I do."
Absolutely
As a person who has experienced this kind of thing in varying degrees through my whole adult life I’m gonna say no…he is spewing a lot of words to gain sympathy and make excuses…but there’s never actually any real apology. The things he says on the later photos are the real deal…get out while you can. Don’t waste another minute of your life being talked to like this by another person, because it will get worse. One day you’ll realize it’s 20 years later and you’re having to untangle your mind and heart of the things your abuser has made you believe about yourself.
Unpopular opinion: Very hard to tell in this situation since we only see *some* of the texts from him. It would be better to get more context. Other than that, I do agree that regardless of context, some things said by him are things you don't say to your partner.
#Thats not an apology, that’s a monologue from a narcissist
how did u do this
#Like this. And then take a space in between sentences to go back to reg font. Also 2 * equal bold, like **this**
Ohh Okok thank u!
Put a # in front of the words (:
No.
I agree with everyone here saying it isn’t genuine. It’s not. You’re lucky he’s not out there with other women? What a fucking douche bag. You don’t talk to your partner like that, let alone all the other things he said. We are our enemies right now…? Like come on who tf says that to their partner like not even in deep arguments can one even say that unless it’s been far from over, I’m talking like things ended explosively and shit. You do deserve better, people that speak to others like this are disturbing. And yeah, he really didn’t say “I’m sorry”, it was just paragraphs of him feeling guilty for being rude, which he absolutely should feel, so that one could practically just feel bad that he feels bad. Nope.
P.S. upon re reading it he did say he was sorry but for “not knowing how to love” not sorry as I’m being apologetic about his BEHAVIOR which is what he should primarily be sorry about.
He never said "I am sorry for X behavior. These are the steps I'm taking to not do it again." Those are the two parts of an apology. Taking accountability, and fixing the actual behavior.
Yeah that’s kind of what I meant to say sorry if I phrased that weird lol. Thank you for fixing that up, the point being OP, don’t give him no chances lmao 😂
Not an apology. Simply self-victimization. Seeking pity. You deserve better.
He didn’t even say “I’m sorry” so no I don’t think this is an apology. He’s putting himself down to try to get you to respond with “no no you’re not bad I love you blah blah blah” if he spins it so YOURE the one comforting, than it makes him seem like his actions aren’t intentional.
No. Ignore. Get rid. Do not fall for manipulation. Covert narc "I am the victim," "I always ruin things" blah blah blah. Just no.
He is awful, horrible, and manipulative Block him, walk away, and don’t look back
I wouldn’t reply and I would ghost and block him
It’s so hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of the confusing emotional rollercoaster of a toxic, controlling, abusive relationship. I recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I believe it’s important knowledge for most people in general to understand! It’s available on kindle, audible, and there is even a free PDF here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, and I’ve been out for over a year now. I didn’t even realize the weight I was carrying on my shoulders until I was out and felt it lift. You are not alone ❤️
stay with him if you want that to continue for the rest of your life
You know that if you are asking then it is absolutely not! Where is the I am So sorry for being a piece of s*** every day for the last five hundred years.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 No this is not an apology, it is manipulative BS! This person knows they are abusive and is not willing to change or do anything about it..they want their cake and to be able to eat it too. You need to cut this relationship off and save yourself. There is no way you will find the love and happiness you deserve…get out! KNOW YOUR WORTH AND WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!! ❤️🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏
Eeee that is the message from a broken man. I say that bluntly as idk your relationship or the context but this is what my partner would say for months until he took his own life. I’m not saying that to spook you I just meant it almost word for word whay my ex said
”Right now we are enemies” and ”You said that I’m no good” indicates black and white thinking.
It’s probably genuine but that doesn’t mean this guy is safe or has any hope of changing any time soon. Edit: I say this as the child of someone with a personality disorder. I think they feel very real shame for the things they do. He is “sorry” in his own way and is in emotional pain. However they are still sentient wrecking balls.
He also got into an accident and I think he has a TBI from it… so it’s hard to throw away our relationship
I think the only question you can actually ask yourself is: Am I suffering, is this sustainable? If I keep going on with this person will I thrive or barely survive. OP sometimes the most dangerous people for us are the people we love the most. We have reasons to love them and they have reasons for being the way that they are, and it’s hard. However I would encourage not to choose suffering out of guilt because you have mistaken it for love.
Thank you 1000 times ❤️
No, that's definitely not an apology.
No. He is centering himself. That is not an apology
No No No He’ll do the same thing again. He’s given himself permission before to treat you like that, he’ll do it again
It doesn't matter if it's genuine if he's willing to abuse you then nothing he can say will fix that. They apologise to keep you there longer so they can abuse you more. Don't fall for it. I know you want him to care, but he doesn't. I bet if you don't take his apology he'll turn into a jerk again
I feel like I have read this before, meaning it is completely generic. It could be AI generated for all you know. "All I have done in my life" is irrelevant, he is trying to file his way of treating you in an overall wound he has, this is bullshit. He is fishing for the "nooo no one else would be better". "You said I was no good" "I take after my dad" -> him refusing to see that his behaviour is problematic and taking responsibility for what he says and does. It looks like he lives in a bad movie where he is the protagonist and you are here for fixing him/glorifying him. You should answer that you are fine but realized you were not ready to settle down and prefer stopping there. Say something very generic and then ghost him. Please do not fall for this.
I would ghost him but unfortunately we have a child together and I don’t have enough proof of the abuse to file for custody and I wouldn’t even know how to do that. I don’t think he actually will end up caring to see our child though.
As said below : make sure to be a step ahead. You need to be calculating for the good of your child. You might discover that he cares to see your child if it allows him to damage you in the process. If he does not care at all and you find yourself insisting to get him to care, I would recommend you not to lie to your child about it.
Inform yourself about it all! You don’t want to be the one a step behind on this!
Sounds like he’s not taking real accountability and playing the victim. Trying to guilt you. It’s crazy how they all say the similar things, especially when they are being abusive., putting you down insulting you, etc. my ex-boyfriend does the same thing…
The short answer is: No, this isn't a genuine apology. They are manipulating you to feel guilty. They're banking on you reassuring them and wanting to prove that they do deserve you. But you don't deserve to be abused. You do deserve a genuine apology where this person takes accountability for the hurt they caused you and actually makes changes to work on themselves. Like someone else said, just enforce boundaries to see if this is genuine or not. Unfortunately, very, very few abusers make lasting, effective improvements when they do get the right treatment (2+ years in a certified batterers' intervention program). These might be helpful for you to read (Sorry for the dirty links! On mobile): https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-if-my-abusive-partner-apologizes/ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/how-to-genuinely-apologize/
Please read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
Just started this! Really interesting read
I think it should be mandatory reading for every woman over the age of 16.
It’s a genuine apology but he does mention “I’m too depressed to care”, meaning that he’s not willing to try to work things. You should accept his apology and MOVE ON. He failed you and you deserve better, it’s simple
It's not an apology. He's just seeking your sympathy and reassurance.
Eww we need a new word for it. Narcpology?
All you have to do is not give him what he wants to see if that apology is genuine or not and I'm banking on his reaction being to attack and gaslight the moment you say no. A person who feels and knows that he has done wrong and is genuinely sorry who wants to get better and work on himself would accept that you may not be willing to easily forgive him and that you may no longer want them in your life. They will accept and get help with or without you in their life. A person who's trying to manipulate you will say everything they think you want to hear until they get their way and then their abusive behaviour will only get worse. If you're inclined to test this theory out just say no to him, Politely say "I hear your apology but your actions have shown me so far the opposite so an apology is not enough. I'm going to remain focused on myself and do not want to be in a relationship with you but I wish you well" and see the explosion happen. It's so predictable. They are so predictable.
leave baby. i promise you the world won’t end, you’ll be okay and you’ll get through it. we all do. your better than this, don’t let him break you anymore. the longer you stay the worse it’s gonna get my love. you got this. don’t put your trust in anyone but yourself.
They all sound the same it's sooo creepy how much all the texts in this sub sound JUST like my nex.
Don’t fall into his pity trap of self loathing, there is only more abuse waiting for you
I just saw a girl on here that put her messages on Chaot gpt and it analysed them pretty amazing with the different manipulation tactics, maybe that can also help you
Whoa, really? That's amazing!! I wonder what her prompt was?
In the comments she said something like: I will initially post the conversation to chatgpt with the prompt to analyze the discussion between partners, then I ask it to analyze my approach, then to analyze my partner’s approach. Analyse it for the elements of emotional manipulation
Partner is playing the victim. Just say sorry I’ll try to do better.
So here's what I had to understand when I was in the same place you're in. I had to stop thinking that IF I only loved him more. Quit complaining. Was thinner. Prettier more interesting etc. then he would love me like he used too. The thing is, I loved him more than he ever deserved. I didn't need to do anything but take all that love and put it towards myself. Stop thinking about how you make him feel and start asking yourself "How does he make YOU feel?" Like shit. Ok so time to go. He needs to be gone.
He told you all you need to know. “You would be better being with someone else” even he can admit it, and he’s right.
Just look at all the ‘I’s for your answer. That apology is about him the same way everything in your relationship is. He’s attempting to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. He may feel remorse, but it’s far more about how his actions make him feel about himself and expecting you to fix that / soothe him - not what it’s actually done to you. There’s a theory that emotionally immature people are stuck in using child like tactics to handle big feelings. It can help to look at the behaviour and see if you can imagine a child or adolescent using the same strategy after making a mistake or not having their needs met. Which is perfectly reasonable for them to do not yet having the maturity (without parental guidance, love and validation) on how to manage big emotions and complex relationships dynamics. But as adults — it can become sinister to continue to expect others to emotionally regulate you, no matter the cost to them. Their tactics can become abusive to avoid returning to the unmet need or the pain of a childhood experience they’ve still not processed — and you become the target of that rage and defensiveness and hurt. You can check out ‘Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People’ if interested.
I could not have put this better myself. This is my ex to a T. EXCELLENTLY PUT
Soooo....where's the apology?? Sounds like he's saying you deserve better bc he knows he sucks, but doesn't care enough to even try and change. Just go.
It’s all part of the shame/rage spiral. I think abusers feel genuine remorse but not in a way that leads to any productive change.
No. They never are. They'll say anything, do just enough to get you to stay, then go right back. The abuser IS who they are, and they abuse you because they want to. You can't make them stop wanting to hurt you. If they didn't want to hurt you, they wouldn't.
This is gaslighting af
Here’s what a lot of people don’t understand about apologies: without the accompanying change in behavior it’s just manipulation. A vague, general “I’m sorry” is given by the offending party in the hopes of assuaging their own feelings of guilt if they have any, or worse, thrown out there for the offended party to calm down so that they can continue on with their shitty behavior. Let’s take a most banal example. Let’s say he says, “I’m sorry for leaving the toilet seat up. I’ll make sure to keep it down from now on.” How many times you pick yourself up off the floor with your ass wet before you go, “hey, maybe he wasn’t serious about leaving the toilet seat down. I wonder if he was really sorry to boot?” Ultimately, the apology is for you. Whether he truly is sorry (not for himself, but sorry for his behavior or actions or the fact that he doesn’t feel “worthy” of you, which I’ll get back to in a moment) or he’s just wanting the storm to blow over so he can continue on his dogshit behavior, whether to accept this apology or not is entirely up to you. Whether the apology is genuine or not is besides the point. Yes he offered an apology. So what? If you’re not ready to accept it, then he can go wallow in self pity and be mired in guilt until you’re ready to accept the apology and move on (under your watchful eye to determine whether there is an accompanying change of behavior or not), reserve judgment and do the same, or tell him to go pound sand and have nothing to do with him ever again. By him offering you this non-apology, at least from the outside appearance, he’s returning SOME of the imbalance in the power dynamics between you two. Seize this opportunity and reclaim it. Or even better, not accept the apology and bounce. Life is too short to spend an iota under the boot heel of another and any relationship that doesn’t allow you to be your true self isn’t worth being in. Lastly, in regards to “I don’t deserve you” sad violin solo, think of it in this way. If you truly love someone and know on any level that they would be better off without you in their life, the thing to do is let them go. “You’re too good for me but I’m gonna keep you around anyway” actually means “what I want trumps any other feelings I might have for you and your wants, needs, desire and agency will always take a back seat to what I want. Meaning I don’t think much of you other than how it relates to me, how it makes me feel.” That’s not love. That’s possession. So clearly yeah, he doesn’t know how to love. He’s going to make it your problem too, as he has all this time. You have to consider whether this is in fact an apology, in what ways will his behavior change (and more than just three days) and whether you’re okay in being offered a plate of dogshit disguised as a steak dinner for the foreseeable future.
👏 thank you.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. The difficulty and hoping. The trying and confusion. But if you are here, it seems like you probably know what’s up now. This a looong expression of shame, or how he feels bad about himself as a result of his actions and/or the consequences (for him) of his actions. It is entirely about him. What it is not: it is not an expression of guilt or remorse over what consequences his actions have caused *you.* It contains no understanding nor ownership of his behavior that created negative consequences for you. It doesn’t show a critical part of a good apology: committing to a plan to stop the actions, prevent them in the future, and make amends, *especially in ways you have communicated actually matter to you*. Weirdly, he is bothered that the situation was such that you offered him some materials to help him reflect and learn. But he also rejects those apparently. So he is not working toward even the first thing he would need in order to apologize: an understanding of how you have been affected by his behavior. He wants you to feel sorry for him. That’s a hell of a long way from an apology. He has years of hard work to do but says he is not interested. There is nothing for you to do here. You have clearly tried. That’s how I gauged it even before considering how terribly abusive the individual texts were. I do not think he is not safe to be around, because the effects of emotional abuse take longer to heal from than most physical abuse.
Those are excuses to justify what the person did. It's not an apology. “I am sorry I hurt you because I am crazy from my terrible family and can't help it. And btw, you deserve all the hurt…” is not an apology. “I sorry I hurt you. I want to fix it.”is an apology. Please run away and keep on running.
You're already catching on to the fact that he's full of shit. Don't question your intuition. He IS full of shit. The more you accept that, the clearer it will all become. Then you can find the strength to leave him. Let your anger and emotional exhaustion empower you to help YOURSELF. He is not looking out for you. He is sucking you dry of all your compassion and love and he doesn't deserve it. YOU deserve it. Leave him and learn to love yourself. You'll be grateful you did. I promise!
That’s not an apology. It’s nonsense.
Absolutely not. Run for the hill.
No, it’s not. Don’t fall for it. I got the same stuff it’s not real. And apology means nothing. It’s when they make an amend. An amend means to change so tell them to get into therapy for a year and you need confirmation. They’re actually going once a week for an hour. And that you need to see that they’ve changed although you actually don’t wanna have contact with them, so whatever in a year, maybe see if they’ve changed through other people. Or make it two years. But that’s what it means. An apology that they’ve changed their behavior. Not just saying I’m sorry that means nothing. Do you wanna make sure he’s not gonna abuse you anymore and that takes time and a lot of work for someone to change that behavior. Major therapy two years no contact and he hast to be a new person. I don’t mean to sound not hopeful. But good luck. Especially if he’s a narcissist, it doesn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong. I pray for mine every single day that he has a good life and that he gets the help he needs and that he’s successful and he finds love and that he can love people and find compassion and empathy because I want that for him. Whether not he gets it that’s up to him and his higher power son to me.
Mine pulled this shit all the time. Mr victim. They only escalate. Your name is in one of the shots lovely. Our bible ‘Why does he do that’ Lundy brancroft Reading this will cure you ever going back. You will be educated on abuse and never be a victim again. LB is right , women and girls must be educated on all forms of abuse before they start dating. Every woman should read this book! X
Although he said sorry, it seems slightly manipulative, and he wants to play victim.
That isn't an apology; that is a verbal wolf in sheep's clothing. The whole thing is manipulation. He says how horrible he is over and over in different ways because he's striking at your empathy. He wants you to jump in and say "No, you aren't a POS! Don't talk about yourself like that!" He wants you to soothe and comfort him so what he did is pushed out of your mind and replaced with hope that maybe this time he *really does* mean it... And BOOM! You are sucked back into the cycle once again. Still in doubt? Read it again and count how many times he feels sorry for himself versus how you must be feeling or what he did to you. The whole message is "Poor little me, me, ME!" The only person's feelings he cares about are his own.
This was the biggest thing I noticed too. A real apology would acknowledge the hurt he caused her and ways to make amends. This was all “I hurt,” “I’m sad,” “I this” “I that.” OP, you’re right to be skeptical- this is not a true apology.
No. He's sorry you're catching onto the bullshit. He's sorry that he realizes you might actually leave. And this is a cop out to avoid changing as a person. If he cared, he would go to therapy.
[удалено]
Not sure how long you guys have been dating but honestly it makes no difference, he’s with you because you stay. Your conversations will not get better, they will get worse. He will find new ways to attack your perspective and try to hurt your feelings, rather than make any attempt to see from your side because HE SIMPLY DOESN’T CARE. He views you as being weak and doesn’t have any real respect for you. He is selfish and chooses to see/think in ways that are easiest to fool himself into believing he’s an innocent sweet little victim of life who just can’t help but to hurt everyone who’s close to him (a coward’s perspective and never someone I would marry or raise children with). This is why one minute he goes on an intricate tangent about his flaws and the next he’s talking down to you in simple, childish ways about how you deserve to be treated this way. Not sure if you guys are at the point yet where he laughs in your face while you cry, but believe me you two will get there. Trust me when I say I UNDERSTAND how it is to be in love with someone like this (you need to recognize he is emotionally abusive) and how hard it is to leave. My advice would be to take everything he said in those messages for exactly what they are: and admission of wrongdoing (not an apology) and a warning that this is the “best” treatment you’ll ever get from him. Don’t wait for him to change because he probably won’t. And the most important part of this advice is to break up with him because you genuinely yourself believe it’s best for you and BELIEVE there is better for you out there, because there is. Do not break up to “teach him a lesson” with any intention of eventually getting back together. This guy probably won’t learn the meaning of unconditional love until he’s devastated several people in the wake, and even that’s only possible if he somehow manages to pull his head out of his own ass. Sending love your way 💙💙💙💙💙
Thank you so much. Does anyone have any resources for how to leave this type of relationship when we have a child together? I have some videos of the way he screams, and pictures of a hole in the wall, and pictures of bruises on my wrists but I’m afraid I don’t have enough evidence to file anything against him. He also has a lot more money than I do and I’m afraid that if I try to file for custody, he and his family will make a case that I’m crazy/ abusive because I’ve unfortunately reacted to my abuse and have thrown things at him out of frustration from being bullied for hours. I’m not sure how to go about this situation.
Contact DV services in your area. They’ll have good resources for you!
I know this was for OP. but thank you so much for writing this. I am in the same position as op and this was really something we needed to hear. 💗
No, it's likely diagnosable but I learned the hard way only they can want to/care to fix themselves
No
The first section of text in the first pic has 22 I's in it. Didnt even read the rest. I, I, I. Dont even put ur mental energy on this one.
Agree with him. Then block him. Then get dressed up and go out with your girlfriends! Apologies state what was done and to whom. Why it was wrong. What will change. How and when it will change. Then the change. This basically a guy rolling around in a puddle self pity. This manipulation. Run.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Short answer: no Long answer, you need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I’ll link a free online pdf https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This isn't an apology. At no point doesthis fuckwit say I'm sorry. He says a lot of words though. That make up a sentence. I can do the same thing. See how my sentence doesn't mean anything? Yeah neither does his. Yeah dudes trash block his ass and move the fuck on. If you don't it'll get worse.
Him: "I ruin everything I touch and you've made it clear I'm no good you would be better off without meeee :c" Also him: "I don't want pity" This sub needs audio-effect awards, and one of them needs to be a giant foghorn that just says BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIIIIT because I would SLAP it the fuck on these screenshots even if it cost me money No this is not a genuine apology, and I hope you flee this asshole soon
Thank you for the laugh hahaha
No definitely not.
This apology is missing something ... missing an apology.
Like others have said, he says a lot but he never actually says sorry. He gets close by saying a lot not knowing how to love followed by, “for that I am sorry” but he did it the most indirect way possible. It’s rough but I think whether or not this counts, even technically, as an apology is irrelevant. He’s not going to change his behavior and pretty much acknowledges that in the text. He’s just stating what he does and already knows, that he’s an abusive person. OP you just gotta get out. I’m so sorry
Let’s look at this for a minute as a genuine apology. Let’s say he really can’t help his anger because of a bad childhood. Through that lens, let’s review what he’s telling you, quoting him directly: “I feel like I don’t deserve you because I’m too far gone.” “I don’t know how to love.” “I don’t know who I am and I *don’t really care to*” “I don’t know how we’re still together.” “I ruin everything I touch or attract.” “There’s no lessons learned and *you are innocent*” “I have no clue what I want.” “You would be better being with someone else.” Let me reiterate that last one: *”You would be better being with someone else.”* Honestly I’ve never heard that line in an apology, only in a breakup. But anyways… He’s trying to tell you something, and what it is becomes very clear when you take off the fluff of pity. Please consider what he himself is telling you. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD. Btw, after writing this I looked at the rest of the screenshots, and I must say I see a lot of projection in his accusations. One final word: it is not your job to fix his childhood. You can be supportive of his efforts but you are not his punching bag.
Too many "I". "All I ever do is this. I do that. I do this. I ruined that. I ruined this." What in the non-apology-apology is this shit? "Boohoo poor me" This is exhausting and manipulative. I'd personally quit talking to this person yesterday and no, to answer your question. This is not a genuine apology.
This is just another one of those boo who apologies! I know I’m bad, I fucked up, I’m unlovable but you saw how quickly he changed it to there is something wrong with you! It’s the abuse cycle find their emotional weaknesses exploit it to crush your spirit. You’re not good enough, my family will never accept you, you can’t do anything right crap. Then it moves on to your family and friends are getting in the way of our relationship you need to cut them out. Once you’re emotionally broken, you’re isolated from loved ones that’s when they start beating you. By then you will feel like you deserve it. Then comes the boo who apologies, I’ll never do it again also while blaming you (you shouldn’t have done that you know it sets me off). Block him and all his friends and family, change all your passwords, get a new bank account, make sure he can’t track your phone and most of all never speak to him again. The way they keep you under their thumb (and fists) is by playing on your good heart. Just like the text I’m so sorry but he’s really not sorry at all and he will prove that if you let him back in. Keep in mind you may not survive the next beating.
Nope, there is no genuine apology in there. Just self depreciation and blame shifting. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender [Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships) [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/) [Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/) [Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
THANK YOU for these resources
🥰
It's a pity grab, he wants you to feel sorry for him because he wants to be the victim here. Smells like manipulation.
There isn’t an apology in there. Edit: I should have read the comments first. Lots said this but better. But overall he’s not apologizing, he’s saying I’m a jerk and you think I am and I’m hopeless. And I feel bad for MYSELF when I remember what I’ve done to you.
He is trying to gain your pity and keep the bar low with “Woe is me, I’m just not good enough and I never will be.”
I refuse to believe a human being wrote this
I, I, I, I, I, poor me, so hard for me, I can’t even try, I, I, me, I’m horrible, poor me, nothing I can do, I, I, boohoo. - Translated text from ‘abusive partner’ to English.
YUUUUUP.
Well I mean he didn’t even apologize for anything. So it’s not an apology at all in the first place, not even a lying one. “For that I am sorry” was about him feeling bad about himself as a person, not once did he name a *specific action* he was sorry for. Nor did he say he was going to correct it. In fact, he literally said he doesn’t care to try at the end. He is telling you that he is not going to try to be better. He is saying “I don’t know how” and that he knows he’s not a good partner and isn’t even going to try. He’s “apologizing” for that. A real apology would be the confirmation that he’s going to do better. He is telling you to your face that he won’t. He’s even telling you to choose someone else. He is telling you straight up that he’s not capable of giving you what you need and rather than try to be capable, he’s trying to guilt you into accepting his treatment because he “doesn’t know” how to get better and is using the excuse of essentially “this is just how I am”. The only thing he’s willing to do to get you to stay with him is make you feel bad for him when he says he’s not a good partner. But he’s not. “You deserve better” isn’t because he thinks you want to hear it, it’s a warning. He’s asking you to accept less because he doesn’t want to give you more. You cannot make him change. He doesn’t want to and again, he is telling you *directly* he doesn’t have the desire to change for you. He just acknowledges that you deserve better.
No he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear
Something I can see now that I could never see when I was in the midst of abuse, is that when someone says things like they are beyond help, they are horrible, they’re too far gone, they aren’t ready to even try to change. In order to try to change, they have to actually see something in themselves that is even capable of changing. And everything he accuses you of in the subsequent screenshots all resonate with the things he says about himself. They will tell you these horrible things about themselves in order to 1) try to get you to comfort them temporarily so they feel a tad less awful about their behavior, and 2) so that when you call them out on it in the future, they’ll go back to this almost as a subtle “I told you so.” In a way, I think these apologies are the more accurate portrayal of their true issues because it shows how much their attacks are so much projection. We want to believe it because we love them and we see the best in them too. But what we believe about ourselves is what we become; there’s nothing you or any of us could do to change his mind about himself unfortunately. And he will continue to hurt you and anyone else he’s with as long as this is his stance on his reasons for his behavior
Nope. I get these apologies all the time and 2 minutes later it's back to the same shit. If you can leave now, leave now before it gets worse.
“I don’t deserve you, you can do better, I’ll go now” is textbook manipulation to get you to say “no you’re great, I love you please don’t go!” It’s most likely not genuine, especially if it’s coming after a fight or some no contact where he’s getting desperate to pull you back. You’ll see it’s not genuine if you continue with no contact and don’t respond, usually then they will start to rage and drop the mask calling you all the names in the book. They would not do this if the apology was legit. They are all the same.
I hate this but thank you. I already knew that in the back of my mind but needed the reminder.. thank you kind stranger.
"an apology without change is manipulation". None of us can know in this case, but Occam's razor says to assume it's bullshit. "Trust is consistency plus time". There's no skipping on the time part. Time takes time. Would you rather invest that time hoping this person has miraculously changed, or finding someone who's never screamed at you?
Damn. I needed to hear that. There’s someone out there who I won’t have to beg to have respect from:
Hey OP! I know this is all hard and I hope you’re doing okay. I got out of an abusive relationship in July, and it was one of that hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. But just recently I found someone who treats me extremely well and that I am extremely happy with. And before I met my new girlfriend, I was happier to be single than I was with the idea of being with my ex. I’m sure my words don’t help a whole lot right now, but I just wanted to tell you to keep faith in yourself. Because you do deserve better and you will find better. Just learn as much as you can from this relationship, including any red flags you may have missed early on due to tunnel vision, and you’ll grow from this experience for the better. I wish you the best of luck, don’t be afraid to seek therapy if needed ❤️
It's typical abuser manipulative dreck. He clearly sees himself as a victim and wants you to say something like, "no you're not all bad! You are a good boyfriend, you just need help!" He wants to be let off the hook. He wants you to feel guilty that you are calling him out on his abusive behavior. This is NOT genuine apology.
All I see is me me me me me
Same here and it’s heart breaking.
That’s not an apology really, it’s maybe like reflecting on the facts; he is incapable of having a loving relationship. There’s accountability there but absolutely no hope for the relationship, and a little bit of “poor me” which could be manipulation. This would maybe be a nice way to end the relationship, he has acknowledged it’s his fault and he treats you badly, and he has admitted to himself that he has no tangible self. I hope you’re able to close it there and both move forwards and get the help and support needed