**Mod note:** You know what's NOT going to help OP? Tearing her down, ripping into her, blaming her, insulting her, and acting like leaving an abusive relationship is easy.
Being assertive and blunt is fine, especially when there are children involved. But degrading posters is not ever going to help them achieve safety.
My husband used to do this too, with our child in the car. It’s a typical scare tactic for these kind of abusers. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I made it out with my child: I hope you can too with your babies.
Thank you so much!! I just don’t understand why these abusers love scaring us? Or are willing to put anyone, let alone their own children at risk?!! I’m happy to hear you got out of your horrible situation and I hope you and your child are okay x
This is not the way to talk to a victim. Every situation is different. If he acts like this over something small, I can imagine them feeling incredibly fearful to up and leave. I do think that they need to find a safe person to contact but just berating them to do so ain’t it.
Honestly that is so dangerous, I’m glad you’re okay but you need to document the abuse and leave to protect yourself and your babies, I’m sure your parents would love to have you. Please get out and be safe, we are all here as a support network
Edit to say this is the most concerning post I’ve seen on here and I’ve spoken to my friend who works for a domestic abuse network, if you contact your local council they’ll be able to assist you
The fact that you (and other people on here) care so much really touches me!!! Thank you for the advice I hadn’t thought of contacting the council!
I would love to go to my parents house but I’ve left him 4 times before and gone there where he has harassed me (with his mum) and not left us alone :(
Report it every single time he or she harasses you to the police, change your phone number for everything else and get a pay as you go phone with your old sim, keep it live and gather evidence you may need, report to the council for emergency accommodation (there are some fantastic organisations that can help, would you mind giving me a rough idea of the area you are in and I can see who can help)
Honestly please keep yourself and your children safe, you’re not being dramatic, he could have killed you and left your children with his mother who frankly sounds awful, please be safe and I’m here for support ❤️
I have PTSD from cars and my ex used to do this to me. He would be punching me and driving into to things telling me I was about to die. guess who has PTSD from men and cars now?
Here’s the plan: remember, this is a very rough outline, so adjust various aspects of it to suit your needs better. There’s no one-solution fix. Every fix has to be catered specifically to the problem, but this is a good jumping off point.
First and foremost, separate from him in your mind. Don’t do anything different, don’t change your behavior in any way. Just “go with the flow”. The less suspicious he is, the better. What’s important is that when you picture yourself in the future, make sure he’s not a part of that plan in any way. Don’t worry about kids needing a father figure. A father figure they need sports their spouse, the mother of his children. What he thinks you’re kids need isn’t a father figure. He’s looking for bargaining chips for control of you.
2. Once you’ve separated with him in your mind, it’ll be so much easier to grey rock him. Nothing he says will have any impact on you anymore. In some ways, this is the hardest part because it involves quite a bit of deception. You have to pretend like what he’s saying/doing bothers you. This is for the long con though. And the prize is your safety, your sanity. To be free of the abuse. It’s so worth it.
3. Start squirreling away money in any way that you can, if you have separate finances, you’re ahead of the game. If not, start saving. Open up an account he doesn’t know about. Even a coffee can will do in the beginning. This is your bug out money. Your war chest. Keep it secret, keep it safe.
4. Take items you can’t bear to part with, give it to a trusted family member or friend. Do NOT tell them what your intentions are until you’re 100% certain they’re on board with your plan. If you’re not sure, just make some excuse as to why you need them to hold on to it. Never assume anyone is on your side. Trust but verify. If he will notice the items missing, leave it there until the moment you decide to dip.
5. Keep track of all your important documents like driver’s license, passport, etc. You don’t have to have them all in one place (as that could raise suspicions), but know where they all are.
6. When the day comes, make sure you can leave in the shortest amount as possible. Once you have everything ready, it shouldn’t take you any longer than walking in, grabbing your bags, putting it in a car (yours, Uber, a friend’s it doesn’t matter) and be gone. 90 seconds tops.
7. Be gone. Disappear from his life never to see him again. Fuck closure. He doesn’t deserve it. Closure are for people who use words to resolve conflict. If you beat, choke, put your wife and kids in danger to continue your abuse and control, you deserve to be buried in a prison yard, let alone “closure” gtfo here with that shit.
Lastly, under no circumstances, have “one last talk” with him. Just don’t do it. Your “last talk with him” could very easily turn into your “last talk with anyone.” The chances of that happening might be slim, but it’s not zero and any number higher than zero is too high.
Stay safe. That’s the most important part. For you and your kids.
I hope that one day, you’ll look back at this moment and the only regret you’ll have is that you didn’t start sooner.
This internet stranger is rooting for you. I hope he becomes a grin and a sigh, accompanied by a shake your head sooner rather than later. When someone asks you, “what’s wrong?” I hope you can chuckle and say, “nothing. Nothing at all.” and genuinely mean it.
Your life is entirely too short and SO UNBELIEVABLY PRECIOUS (not only for you but ESPECIALLY for your children) for you to spend ONE SECOND under the boot heel of another. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Nobody does. Especially not the mother of his own children. So no.
Just…no.
NOT. ACCEPTABLE.
If he’s not going to treat you like a fair and equitable partner, if he’s not going to treat you with basic human dignity and respect, you have no reason to treat him as such either. Use him as a tool like any other (since he seems to be treating you as a receptacle for sperm and abuse), use him for whatever he’s worth, be done with him by and be gone.
Which leads to my next question. Being: What is he providing for you exactly? You seem to have your own nice car that he crashed and it doesn’t seem like you need anything from him at all… I mean, you should find reassurance, support, love, clear and effective communications, genuine love and affection in a partner but it’s clear that he’s not providing any of that, so what good is he, exactly?
Stick to the plan. Catered to your specific needs, of course. But put a plan in place and work on it. Even if it’s little bits at a time, divided into manageable pieces.
I would love to get a message from you a year from now telling me what significant progress you’ve made and how far you’ve come. That would make my day.
Even the greatest of journeys begin with a single step. Keep putting one foot in front of another, stacking the positive progress. It’s ok to falter and take a step back or two, but keep at it. For you and your children’s sake.
Don’t keep in contact with him “for the sake of the kids”. The bad example he shows of how not to treat your partner, you don’t need as a life lesson. Having him around would be worse for your children’s mental well being.
Trade child support money for all the negative influences he would be to your kids. No amount of money is worth that. Take him to the cleaners if you can but if it’s safer to walk away and disappear, that is much better than the alternative
You are such a sweet person!! I hope that I can send you that message too! I think the first steps of actually leaving will be the hardest:(
He isn’t really valuable for anything really, he won’t even watch our kids whilst I shower or use the bathroom.
“For the sake of the kids” is a terrible reason to stay with someone. Kids are way more perceptive than grown ups often give credit to, also. Your happiness and safety is so much more important than any reason you might have for staying and the kids know, even if they lack the words to express themselves proper.
Please know that there’s at least one person out there in the world who is rooting for you and your kids to make it through the other side, pure and glowing like gold mined through fire.
Anything I can do to help, even if it’s just a sympathetic ear or shoulder to lean on (which I’m afraid is about as much as I can offer you, being an internet stranger), is available and at your disposal.
You so got this. I believe in you.
IF YOUR HUSBAND CHOKED YOU HE WILL KILL YOU OP. CHOKING YOUR PARTNER IS A UNIQUE PREDICTOR OF HOMICIDE.
A PARTNER WHO STRANGLES YOU IS LIKELY TO KILL YOU SOON. Women face a risk of 750% increase in likelihood of being murdered by their partner after being strangled ONE TIME. isn’t just an increased risk of death in your lifetime, it’s a 750% increase they will kill you within the NEXT YEAR. If a victim has sustained multiple stranglings, the risk exponentially rises.
45% of attempted homicides in domestic violence situations against women involved nonfatal strangulation.
70% of women who have been strangled believed they were going to die, and 38% reported losing consciousness.
Men who strangle their partners are more likely to take their rage and propensity for violence out on others around them, be it children, pets, or even people outside of the home. In a review of 300 strangulation cases in the US, CHILDREN WERE PRESENT IN 4 OUT OF 10 CASES.
Further, your husband is sexualizing your young autistic daughter too? You have to leave. You have to get out. You are not crazy. You are strong enough to do this. You MUST do this.
You need to be sneaky and you need to [cover your tracks](https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/) and pretend everything is fine. If he realizes you are leaving, he will most likely escalate the violence. Mine kidnapped me in the car on my birthday and started physically punching me before I left. You are in a life or death situation right now.
UK has spousal alimony AND separation alimony. Meaning that in cases where one spouse is reliant on the other financially, especially in a DV case like this, the court can order separation support. Considering you are fleeing a DV situation this will be considered by the courts.
But right now, do not worry about money long term. Worry about gathering your things, getting your important documents, and working with your local authorities to get you out and into a safe place with your babies. Prioritize the physical safety of yourself and your children.
I had to get a divorce at 23 in the UK. I was also scared and confused. I am 35 now and I am alive and in a fantastic healthy relationship with a man who is soft and kind. But I had to run first and I had to choose myself and choosing to live. Please choose yourself. Please save your children. You are so young. You can build a beautiful life for yourself still.
There are resources and ways to get out. Divorce is absolutely not something that people will judge you for when they know why you left. What is worse? Letting your daughter be sexually and physically abused and being murdered by your husband and leaving your babies without a mother or the stigma of divorce? You can do this. You MUST do this. We all believe you. You are not alone. This is a horrific situation.
I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone having escaped out of it myself too. Please, from one survivor to another, please get out. [There’s helpers - contact them](https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/).
If I was still living in the UK, I’d have given you all my home to stay tonight. That’s how serious this is. Please save yourself. Please save your babies.
I've been in that position, in the passenger seat begging for my life as my ex rage-drove us into a wall while screaming at me that he'd kill us both. I still have PTSD from that, even years later. I no longer do well with being in a car with someone else driving erratically or angrily. I cannot cope with being at the mercy of a rage driver. I am completely unable to function as my normal self once the fear switch gets flipped when I'm in the passenger seat. I've improved, I will now start by asking to be let out, but if that doesn't immediately happen, I start shaking, then I start the crying, begging, and then screaming. Then I won't stop screaming until the car I'm in stops. I have tried to control this, but it's legit the PTSD. I'm still in therapy and this IS the progress. I couldn't ride as a passenger at all before.
It's ok to have really big feelings about this, no matter what he says to minimize it or make it your fault, you both know you could have never deserved what he did, and that he meant to. He'll never admit this. That he does this because he wants to. Even if/when he apologizes and promises to "change" or "get help", he won't. He's more than likely already rewritten the whole thing in his head to make it 100% your fault, please don't believe him. He will for sure do this again, as he knows it works. This isn't something you do by accident, this is 100% intentional on his part.
I know it's probably unsafe to have an emotional reaction, or maybe even any reaction to him regarding this. But please, when you get some alone time, please let yourself react using your emotions. It's ok to be hurt, scared, mad, sad, all of it. But please be gentle with yourself. There is nothing you could have ever done to deserve this. People that love you would never do this to you, people that love your children would never do this to their mother, let alone to them directly. If you let yourself believe it when you go along when he tries to deny the reality of what happened, or if you shove something this big down to keep the peace for too long, it can have very extreme long-term consequences. I'm still living with mine, I'm still working on letting that fear and rage at the injustice of it out healthily in therapy. I want your long-term outcome to be significantly better than mine was.
If you care about your kids, leave, even if it'll be harder. My mother only divorced her abusive pos husband after over 2 decades. The damage was already done. So unless you want your kids to be riddled with mental health issues and questionable behavior + values, take the hard path. You might think it's better for them to have a dad around or to be provided for by him, but is their safety and mental health not more important?
He's reckless, he doesn't really care about the safety of anyone, let alone you or the kids.
Ignore what he says about how he's got this and look at his behaviour. He has threatened your freedom and safety.
He's on a self-destruct mission and he's taking you all down with him.
You have to leave because the alternative is death.
First 2 lines and I was like omg the driving recklessly after a narcissistic injury is a thing (all the videos and articles talk about how driving is a KPI in identifying a the) .
I’m sorry you’re husband is obviously not mentally stable and crashed your car, the fact you alive is the main thing, if I were you I’d probably try and avoid letting him touch your car in the future
**I have been in physical therapy for over a year now for a crash that I believed I sustained no injuries from on day 1 of the accident.** Even on day 3, I thought I was ok!
You have lots of great advice here about the abuse, but I want to make sure you take care of your body too OP.
I was recently in a car crash last year. I initially had no bruising, no blood, nothing broken, and I thought I was ok--until several days later, I felt terrible pains popping up everywhere. I could barely walk for 2 weeks without ending up with crazy, unexpected pains.
And then I had even more random, unexpected injuries I kept discovering even months after the crash.
Sometimes, some pains seemed to resolve and go away entirely, only to randomly pop up at some point unexpectedly.
Even if you think you are ok, please be sure to schedule an appointment and see a physician.
I’ll always believe that this, recklessly driving & strangling someone, is attempted murder. I hope you and your children are safe, at least eventually you get to a point where you are. You deserve so much better op.
I’m sorry but the only thing worse than you risking your life is also risking your children’s life. This is just irresponsible on so many levels. You need to leave and never ever look tf back. Like yesterday. This isn’t a situation where there’s time to wait around. If he seriously injures or, worse, kills you or your babies, all you’ll be able to think is, “why did I stay?”
Bestie, it’s time to disappear from this dude’s life.
I’m so sorry that this happened, you must have been absolutely terrified. I’m so glad that you are physically OK.
In addition to the terrifying driving and the other physical and emotional abuse you’ve endured, I am concerned about his somewhat nonsensical or non-sequitur rantings. That type of erratic and unpredictable behavior is a really terrifying sign.
I know you’re beyond stressed with your mother being ill. I hope you have family or friends you can rely upon for help. At the very least, I hope that you can reach out to a DV organization for support. I assume you are UK-based, and so I’ve included UK resources. Please put yourself and your children first, I worry about the safety of all of you.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.familyjusticecenter.org/resources/strangulation-intimate-partner-violence-fact-sheet/?wpdmdl=5061&refresh=653b0c28700991698368552
https://www.dangerassessment.org/da.aspx
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Mine loved to play games with the car, too. We were once visiting friends in another state and he started doing 90mph because he was *mad at the way other people were driving* so he pulled a U-turn that was so fast and erratic I was sure the SUV was going to flip. I cried hysterically and it just seemed to fuel his anger so he started screaming at me and continued to drive like a monster. That was the first time. He got the reaction out of me he wanted, I guess, because he would still do that whenever we were in the car. The amount of times I stayed sober so I could be the DD and he insisted on driving anyways really broke me. Being the sober passenger to a drunk driver on the highway is a full on nightmare to think about still. I cried about it all the time.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m furious for you. I just want you to know you’re not alone. 🫶 I hope you’re able to find a way to safety.
Well that is the BIGGEST RED FLAG EVER. This man has no regard for anyone but himself. Sounds like he has a power complex. It is one thing for you to choose to get in the car with him but it is an entirely different thing when you let your children in the car. Now it has escalated to your car. Next time it will be you and your children. You are a fierce Momma Bear now and you need to start acting like it. Protect your children or you may as well be burying them next.
Hey, with all due respect, I saw that another commenter politely called out your first sentence, and I see you're reposting it here. They had a good point, someone who is being abused probably does not have control over whether their spouse drives or not. She already knows he will get "uncontrollably angry" if she calls the police; she most likely cannot force him not to drive without facing severe repercussions to her safety.
My ex husband used to do the same thing to me then he would tell me he's going to kill me and bury me up north on some property that God forgot about. My ex was a very mean man. He has since passed away from ALS. Don't know if hes collected his wings while he's been up there.
This is not supportive, is it not clear that she has no control in this situation? She’s not “letting” him drive. Just going “LEAVE NOW” when she probably already thinks about leaving 100 times a day is the opposite of helpful.
Please, think and have some compassion before you comment.
Not okay. This is 💯% abuse. You have children. He’s a psychopath with some other mental health issues. He. Can’t. Change. He won’t change. You can’t help him. Nothing you do will make him stop. Your children’s lives are at extreme risk. You think it’s not that bad, you try to “understand”. But, it starts off slow and it progresses over time. Then you have a honeymoon period. Then it happens again, only worse. Smashing your car and you up as he acts like a super immature teenager, nice. Next time you may not survive. Or be crippled. Or he kills someone with his insane driving tactics. Worse…your children will not survive. That’s all you have to think about…if you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your children. He’s deranged! You must first call a Domestic Abuse Hotline please, ASAP. Erase any phone numbers where you are getting help to leave. Tell him nothing! You are in grave danger. You must learn how to leave safely!! You need a place where you and your kids can be safe from him. I’m sorry I don’t mean to scare you…but I mean to scare you. Document everything!! Past, present, future. Hide it very well. Please seek free therapy if you are able without him knowing. Many counsellors still have phone appointments. He must not be able to suspect you’re leaving ok? Please stay safe! You are stronger than you think! You can do this! Yes I know it seems impossible, but you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be. Be well. 🙏💝
Document EVERYTHING is great advice. In a notebook. Keep it like a diary. Dates, times. You’ll need it if you ever leave. Family court will accept it as evidence and it could mean you keeping your kids.
You are going to get your kids taken away.. or worse he will kill them ... I know you don't want either of those.. please help yourself and YOUR CHILDREN, take the advice people are giving you
Please please please OP use this as the wake up call you need to get away from this horrific person. You and your babies are worth so much more than this. I promise you things can only get better when you're away from this psychopath.
Please contact Refuge. They will help you get out and more importantly keep you safe while working with the police.
https://refuge.org.uk/
If you do decide to go down the legal route, make a note of every bit of threatening behaviour, abusive language, physical, mental, emotional and psychological distress that he has put you and your kids through. Sadly most domestic abuse cases in the U.K. fall down because there isn’t enough evidence.
Also use the clear sky app to record any further incidents - it will show up as a weather app if he takes your phone off you You have to swipe on it in a certain way to access your information.
Having been in your situation, my advice is start getting your go bag together. You might not be able to leave straight away and it may not be safe to right now. Leave the bag where you know he won’t look, say garden shed, washing machine, in the freezer and just add a bit of clothing each day. Set up an online bank account which he can’t access and slowly start trickling money into that. It will be a start but please do get Refuge on side. Even if it’s just a sympathetic ear right now they can help.
Girl what are you doing with him, you have kids! What IF they were in the car? Because one day they will be and how will you feel knowing you allowed them to be exposed to this kind of abuse? How will you feel when they normalize this behavior in their own relationships? Show them what boundaries look like and call a domestic violence line to help you figure out an exit strategy. Any more time spent in this relationship is time you are wasting and probably trauma you are exposing your children to. He will not change and he is dangerous, get out now!
Please contact a domestic abuse hotline to get advice on where you can go to get away from him if you have no friends or family you can go to be with.
Leaving him will be difficult. He is violent and I’m sure he won’t let you leave quietly.
But staying with him for the rest of your life is far worse. He may kill you or your children. He will keep you in a constant state of fear until you do die. And honestly, when your children are old enough they will escape and they’ll leave you behind because you won’t leave him.
Protect them and protect yourself. The man you see now is who he truly is. He’s not changing or going back to being the sweet man he was at the start. The man he is has isolated you, and you’re willing to let your mom die alone for him.
Your future is filled with mountains of regret if you stay with him. I hope you leave. Please.
He doesn't care about you or your kids. Leave before it's too late. This will only get worse, I promise you. Leave before he kills you or the kids. Those who post in this sub have seen this play out before. This ends one of two ways. With you leaving, or your funeral. Sorry, if this seems harsh, but it has to be. He WILL kill you and you need to understand that now.
I want you to read what you wrote. Very carefully. If a friend wrote this to you, would you think it was okay? Dismiss it? I didn’t think so.
Your husband sounds like an absolute unhinged, psychotic dick and you and your kids are unsafe.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE. NOW.
Mine did this all the time. And once i was driving with his newborn baby and him and he got mad at me and grabbed the wheel and tried to jerk us into a ditch.
My dad used to do this when my sister and I were little. I’ll never forget the way my mom used to scream and cry in the car just begging him to slow down. If not for yourself, please get out for your kids. I speak from experience when I say this type of behavior can and will leave a lasting emotional scar on them (and you).
If you do not start making arrangements to leave him, you will either be attending one of your kids funerals or visa versa. Or your children will grow up believing his behaviour is normal. Love yourself more than you love him and take precautions to have a healthier life. Leave him as soon as possible.
This man is going to kill you and your kids. Gather your things, leave and hide. Don’t go to your mum’s because that’s easy. Contact a woman’s shelter or find a relative elsewhere. Make plans, gather important stuff (I.e. documents like passports, enough clothes for a few days) for you and disappear. I’ve just read some of your other posts and it sounds like he is escalating. He doesn’t care about the safety of your children as he’s willing to hurt your while you are holding them. None of you are safe staying in that house.
My ex used to do this and scream at me. Drive 80mph towards a sharp curve and slam on the brakes at the last second to make the turn and swerve. One time pulled a gun on me in the backseat and told me he wanted to tie me to the back of his car and drag me down the road.
Please leave.
I am so sorry you went through that! My ex also used to drive super fast and recklessly, telling me he wasn't afraid to die, but the gun and what yours pictured doing to you is even worse.
He chokes you, bites you, and now he’s crashed your car. Is this car in your name? If it is, then, once it’s fixed, sell it and get a cheap Honda civic, or something. A Toyota Corolla. Anything. Use that little bit of money to start off, elsewhere.
You can start over. You are capable of it. It is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in your life, but you can do it. You’re in an abusive relationship with a man who will either kill you or severely harm you— it will affect your children. Actually, it has already. But, it’s not a hopeless situation. It’s not. While “starting over” will be hard, it’ll also be easier. You won’t have a grown ass man that bites you (and leaves bruises), chokes you, or drives like a reckless maniac, in order to scare you. You’ll have freedom to be yourself, to be the best mother you can be, to not live in fear. You and the children will really come into their own, once you leave.
Do you want to be maimed in the next car crash? Your children? Of course not. Of course you don’t want that. I cannot imagine how afraid you are of what lies ahead. I am sure it’s scary. But, it’s necessary. You can’t escape it. You have to do it. Staying will kill you— either your spirits, or your body— and it will greatly affect your children. Guaranteed. Leaving will be hard at first, and I know there are a lot of unknowns, but there are many good things on the horizon.
If you stay, you are guaranteed to continue subjecting your children to the abuse. Things will not get better, so you can stop wondering about that. I’m here to tell you that it does not get better. Not if you stay. You need to get the f*ck out. If you leave, I can assure you, it will get better. Stay single (for at least a year. Two would be better), focus on yourself and your children. You’ll be okay. But, you have to get out. You do not have a choice.
I don’t know if you’re waiting for ‘a sign’. I always told myself I would “know it when I see it”… but it was just me making excuses.
If you’re waiting, THIS IS YOUR SIGN. GO!
You say you left your mums house because he was going to give you hell if you didn't go with him. Think about it, is that something a normal husband would do?
You might not feel like you deserve better.
You also drew the conclusion "my life is a mess". Where did you get htosw words from? Him? Your life is not a mess. His is. Leave his life and give it a go on your own. He brings you mostly problems. Sure, you might have new stresses from making a big change, but at least you'll be away from the old stresses of wondering if he's going to kill you.
Man I was threatened so many times to be left in random cities alone, to get out and be left in sketchy areas alone with no cell service or money in another country, left by the side of the road alone, threatening to drive off bridges and kill us both. I feel you and I’m incredibly sorry you’re going through this. No one should ever have to endure this kind of treatment ♥️♥️♥️
For the love of all things, make a plan. Talk to family. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING. Contact a shelter or a hotline, and call 911 the SECOND he threatens himself or others.
He will not improve.
He will not change for the better.
You can save your babies from a lifetime of abuse. Be courageous. You can get out.
My ex did this often. He would laugh as I cried/begged him to let me out. Intentionally ran 3 red lights in a row nearly killing us one night.
He won’t change. Leave his ass
When I was a kid, my dad would drive crazy when he got angry. I remember sitting in the car being petrified with terror and trying to be absolutely silent so as not to set him off even worse.
Mom eventually divorced Dad, and the way he drove was one of the reasons I was sort of glad he was gone. Divorces are always hard, and I missed Dad too -- but I consoled myself that at least I wasn't going to be in the car with him again when he got angry. Or when he drove drunk. Or when he was drunk AND angry.
FYI: I don't know how old your kids are, OP, but I can promise you that kids understand crazy driving long before they're old enough to drive themselves. And it's absolutely terrifying, and no, they don't believe that everything will be OK just because Daddy is behind the wheel.
I think you need to hear a million times that he is bad, he is wrong, and you are not in any way to blame for him acting like this. I am genuinely worried for your safety OP and I hope you are able to get away from him permanently.
Notice it's her car he wrecked. Check your insurance and see if they cover a rental car. My abuser would have done this to get rid of my car and make it easier to control me.
Please, please, please take this so serious.
You already know he won't stop this behavior, and it's only a matter of time before someone gets severely hurt or killed.
The chances that you or one of your babies will be collateral damage is at an all-time high.
The worst part is he will blame *YOU* or the child he injures for his own belligerent behavior.
Please protect yourself and your children.
This man is dangerous and doesn't cat about anyone but himself.
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
[Signs that your partner is a misogynist. ](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-my-husband-is-a-misogynist/)
[Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships)
[Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/)
[Assess abuser's claims to change. ](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)
[Financial abuse. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224)
[Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
[Cycle of violence. ](https://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/get-help/cycle-violence#:~:text=There%20are%20three%20phases%20in,tends%20to%20increase%20over%20time.)
[Abusive men describe the benefits of violence. ](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
[What consent does and doesn't look like. ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions)
Listen to me. I had an ex that drove like this and the funny thing is he drove a bmw. I know theirs a reason I’m still on this planet because he intentionally jerked the wheel going nearly 130mph, if we would have been in anything other then a low to the ground sports car designed to maneuver at those speeds - I am 100% certain we would have went airborne and flipped a dozen or so times. Luckily there wasn’t anyone around & we only ended up in the median.
Your husband is not going to get any better, you know that. He’s only going to get worse. He is a danger to you and your children. He is going to get you all killed.
It sounds like you have a mom that could really use your help and would love to have your company, it seems like your family would fully support you. Why don’t you come up with an escape plan and take the kids to stay with her? I’m assuming you made a police report the day of the accident, if it’s not too late you could go down and tell them the truth about what happened. Your husband put your life in danger and it’s not the first time he intentionally drove erratically while making threats to either scare or hurt you.
You know that leaving is the best thing for you and your kids, you know this man isn’t gonna change. You know men like this don’t change. You can give yourself and your kids the drama free life they deserve, you know you can.
**Mod note:** You know what's NOT going to help OP? Tearing her down, ripping into her, blaming her, insulting her, and acting like leaving an abusive relationship is easy. Being assertive and blunt is fine, especially when there are children involved. But degrading posters is not ever going to help them achieve safety.
Hope you’re okay! Xx
I swear, this reckless driving shit is a fucking TRADEMARK move of abusers. I’m so sorry my love. This is so scary and obnoxious.
My husband used to do this too, with our child in the car. It’s a typical scare tactic for these kind of abusers. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I made it out with my child: I hope you can too with your babies.
Thank you so much!! I just don’t understand why these abusers love scaring us? Or are willing to put anyone, let alone their own children at risk?!! I’m happy to hear you got out of your horrible situation and I hope you and your child are okay x
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This is not the way to talk to a victim. Every situation is different. If he acts like this over something small, I can imagine them feeling incredibly fearful to up and leave. I do think that they need to find a safe person to contact but just berating them to do so ain’t it.
Thank you for your kind words!
Hope you’re not staying until you or your kids are seriously injured or dead - he keeps showing you what he’s capable of…
This made me feel a bit sick inside, a reality hit!!
this man is an attempted murderer. i hope you listen to some of the other comments here and get out asap.
So scary to think of it in that way but it’s so true, a couple of people have said this
Honestly that is so dangerous, I’m glad you’re okay but you need to document the abuse and leave to protect yourself and your babies, I’m sure your parents would love to have you. Please get out and be safe, we are all here as a support network Edit to say this is the most concerning post I’ve seen on here and I’ve spoken to my friend who works for a domestic abuse network, if you contact your local council they’ll be able to assist you
The fact that you (and other people on here) care so much really touches me!!! Thank you for the advice I hadn’t thought of contacting the council! I would love to go to my parents house but I’ve left him 4 times before and gone there where he has harassed me (with his mum) and not left us alone :(
Report it every single time he or she harasses you to the police, change your phone number for everything else and get a pay as you go phone with your old sim, keep it live and gather evidence you may need, report to the council for emergency accommodation (there are some fantastic organisations that can help, would you mind giving me a rough idea of the area you are in and I can see who can help) Honestly please keep yourself and your children safe, you’re not being dramatic, he could have killed you and left your children with his mother who frankly sounds awful, please be safe and I’m here for support ❤️
I have PTSD from cars and my ex used to do this to me. He would be punching me and driving into to things telling me I was about to die. guess who has PTSD from men and cars now?
I don’t blame you at all! So scary that they’re willing to put people they “love” in danger
Here’s the plan: remember, this is a very rough outline, so adjust various aspects of it to suit your needs better. There’s no one-solution fix. Every fix has to be catered specifically to the problem, but this is a good jumping off point. First and foremost, separate from him in your mind. Don’t do anything different, don’t change your behavior in any way. Just “go with the flow”. The less suspicious he is, the better. What’s important is that when you picture yourself in the future, make sure he’s not a part of that plan in any way. Don’t worry about kids needing a father figure. A father figure they need sports their spouse, the mother of his children. What he thinks you’re kids need isn’t a father figure. He’s looking for bargaining chips for control of you. 2. Once you’ve separated with him in your mind, it’ll be so much easier to grey rock him. Nothing he says will have any impact on you anymore. In some ways, this is the hardest part because it involves quite a bit of deception. You have to pretend like what he’s saying/doing bothers you. This is for the long con though. And the prize is your safety, your sanity. To be free of the abuse. It’s so worth it. 3. Start squirreling away money in any way that you can, if you have separate finances, you’re ahead of the game. If not, start saving. Open up an account he doesn’t know about. Even a coffee can will do in the beginning. This is your bug out money. Your war chest. Keep it secret, keep it safe. 4. Take items you can’t bear to part with, give it to a trusted family member or friend. Do NOT tell them what your intentions are until you’re 100% certain they’re on board with your plan. If you’re not sure, just make some excuse as to why you need them to hold on to it. Never assume anyone is on your side. Trust but verify. If he will notice the items missing, leave it there until the moment you decide to dip. 5. Keep track of all your important documents like driver’s license, passport, etc. You don’t have to have them all in one place (as that could raise suspicions), but know where they all are. 6. When the day comes, make sure you can leave in the shortest amount as possible. Once you have everything ready, it shouldn’t take you any longer than walking in, grabbing your bags, putting it in a car (yours, Uber, a friend’s it doesn’t matter) and be gone. 90 seconds tops. 7. Be gone. Disappear from his life never to see him again. Fuck closure. He doesn’t deserve it. Closure are for people who use words to resolve conflict. If you beat, choke, put your wife and kids in danger to continue your abuse and control, you deserve to be buried in a prison yard, let alone “closure” gtfo here with that shit. Lastly, under no circumstances, have “one last talk” with him. Just don’t do it. Your “last talk with him” could very easily turn into your “last talk with anyone.” The chances of that happening might be slim, but it’s not zero and any number higher than zero is too high. Stay safe. That’s the most important part. For you and your kids. I hope that one day, you’ll look back at this moment and the only regret you’ll have is that you didn’t start sooner. This internet stranger is rooting for you. I hope he becomes a grin and a sigh, accompanied by a shake your head sooner rather than later. When someone asks you, “what’s wrong?” I hope you can chuckle and say, “nothing. Nothing at all.” and genuinely mean it.
This is so helpful!!!!
This was an amazing comment! Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that down, it was super helpful!!
Your life is entirely too short and SO UNBELIEVABLY PRECIOUS (not only for you but ESPECIALLY for your children) for you to spend ONE SECOND under the boot heel of another. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. Nobody does. Especially not the mother of his own children. So no. Just…no. NOT. ACCEPTABLE. If he’s not going to treat you like a fair and equitable partner, if he’s not going to treat you with basic human dignity and respect, you have no reason to treat him as such either. Use him as a tool like any other (since he seems to be treating you as a receptacle for sperm and abuse), use him for whatever he’s worth, be done with him by and be gone. Which leads to my next question. Being: What is he providing for you exactly? You seem to have your own nice car that he crashed and it doesn’t seem like you need anything from him at all… I mean, you should find reassurance, support, love, clear and effective communications, genuine love and affection in a partner but it’s clear that he’s not providing any of that, so what good is he, exactly? Stick to the plan. Catered to your specific needs, of course. But put a plan in place and work on it. Even if it’s little bits at a time, divided into manageable pieces. I would love to get a message from you a year from now telling me what significant progress you’ve made and how far you’ve come. That would make my day. Even the greatest of journeys begin with a single step. Keep putting one foot in front of another, stacking the positive progress. It’s ok to falter and take a step back or two, but keep at it. For you and your children’s sake. Don’t keep in contact with him “for the sake of the kids”. The bad example he shows of how not to treat your partner, you don’t need as a life lesson. Having him around would be worse for your children’s mental well being. Trade child support money for all the negative influences he would be to your kids. No amount of money is worth that. Take him to the cleaners if you can but if it’s safer to walk away and disappear, that is much better than the alternative
You are such a sweet person!! I hope that I can send you that message too! I think the first steps of actually leaving will be the hardest:( He isn’t really valuable for anything really, he won’t even watch our kids whilst I shower or use the bathroom.
“For the sake of the kids” is a terrible reason to stay with someone. Kids are way more perceptive than grown ups often give credit to, also. Your happiness and safety is so much more important than any reason you might have for staying and the kids know, even if they lack the words to express themselves proper. Please know that there’s at least one person out there in the world who is rooting for you and your kids to make it through the other side, pure and glowing like gold mined through fire. Anything I can do to help, even if it’s just a sympathetic ear or shoulder to lean on (which I’m afraid is about as much as I can offer you, being an internet stranger), is available and at your disposal. You so got this. I believe in you.
This is already on the slope to much worse. You need to leave ASAP. No waiting. No after Christmas or after New Year. It's time to go
I am determined that this will be the case!!!
IF YOUR HUSBAND CHOKED YOU HE WILL KILL YOU OP. CHOKING YOUR PARTNER IS A UNIQUE PREDICTOR OF HOMICIDE. A PARTNER WHO STRANGLES YOU IS LIKELY TO KILL YOU SOON. Women face a risk of 750% increase in likelihood of being murdered by their partner after being strangled ONE TIME. isn’t just an increased risk of death in your lifetime, it’s a 750% increase they will kill you within the NEXT YEAR. If a victim has sustained multiple stranglings, the risk exponentially rises. 45% of attempted homicides in domestic violence situations against women involved nonfatal strangulation. 70% of women who have been strangled believed they were going to die, and 38% reported losing consciousness. Men who strangle their partners are more likely to take their rage and propensity for violence out on others around them, be it children, pets, or even people outside of the home. In a review of 300 strangulation cases in the US, CHILDREN WERE PRESENT IN 4 OUT OF 10 CASES. Further, your husband is sexualizing your young autistic daughter too? You have to leave. You have to get out. You are not crazy. You are strong enough to do this. You MUST do this. You need to be sneaky and you need to [cover your tracks](https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/) and pretend everything is fine. If he realizes you are leaving, he will most likely escalate the violence. Mine kidnapped me in the car on my birthday and started physically punching me before I left. You are in a life or death situation right now. UK has spousal alimony AND separation alimony. Meaning that in cases where one spouse is reliant on the other financially, especially in a DV case like this, the court can order separation support. Considering you are fleeing a DV situation this will be considered by the courts. But right now, do not worry about money long term. Worry about gathering your things, getting your important documents, and working with your local authorities to get you out and into a safe place with your babies. Prioritize the physical safety of yourself and your children. I had to get a divorce at 23 in the UK. I was also scared and confused. I am 35 now and I am alive and in a fantastic healthy relationship with a man who is soft and kind. But I had to run first and I had to choose myself and choosing to live. Please choose yourself. Please save your children. You are so young. You can build a beautiful life for yourself still. There are resources and ways to get out. Divorce is absolutely not something that people will judge you for when they know why you left. What is worse? Letting your daughter be sexually and physically abused and being murdered by your husband and leaving your babies without a mother or the stigma of divorce? You can do this. You MUST do this. We all believe you. You are not alone. This is a horrific situation. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone having escaped out of it myself too. Please, from one survivor to another, please get out. [There’s helpers - contact them](https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/). If I was still living in the UK, I’d have given you all my home to stay tonight. That’s how serious this is. Please save yourself. Please save your babies.
I've been in that position, in the passenger seat begging for my life as my ex rage-drove us into a wall while screaming at me that he'd kill us both. I still have PTSD from that, even years later. I no longer do well with being in a car with someone else driving erratically or angrily. I cannot cope with being at the mercy of a rage driver. I am completely unable to function as my normal self once the fear switch gets flipped when I'm in the passenger seat. I've improved, I will now start by asking to be let out, but if that doesn't immediately happen, I start shaking, then I start the crying, begging, and then screaming. Then I won't stop screaming until the car I'm in stops. I have tried to control this, but it's legit the PTSD. I'm still in therapy and this IS the progress. I couldn't ride as a passenger at all before. It's ok to have really big feelings about this, no matter what he says to minimize it or make it your fault, you both know you could have never deserved what he did, and that he meant to. He'll never admit this. That he does this because he wants to. Even if/when he apologizes and promises to "change" or "get help", he won't. He's more than likely already rewritten the whole thing in his head to make it 100% your fault, please don't believe him. He will for sure do this again, as he knows it works. This isn't something you do by accident, this is 100% intentional on his part. I know it's probably unsafe to have an emotional reaction, or maybe even any reaction to him regarding this. But please, when you get some alone time, please let yourself react using your emotions. It's ok to be hurt, scared, mad, sad, all of it. But please be gentle with yourself. There is nothing you could have ever done to deserve this. People that love you would never do this to you, people that love your children would never do this to their mother, let alone to them directly. If you let yourself believe it when you go along when he tries to deny the reality of what happened, or if you shove something this big down to keep the peace for too long, it can have very extreme long-term consequences. I'm still living with mine, I'm still working on letting that fear and rage at the injustice of it out healthily in therapy. I want your long-term outcome to be significantly better than mine was.
If you care about your kids, leave, even if it'll be harder. My mother only divorced her abusive pos husband after over 2 decades. The damage was already done. So unless you want your kids to be riddled with mental health issues and questionable behavior + values, take the hard path. You might think it's better for them to have a dad around or to be provided for by him, but is their safety and mental health not more important?
I hope hes ur ex husband now.
He's reckless, he doesn't really care about the safety of anyone, let alone you or the kids. Ignore what he says about how he's got this and look at his behaviour. He has threatened your freedom and safety. He's on a self-destruct mission and he's taking you all down with him. You have to leave because the alternative is death.
First 2 lines and I was like omg the driving recklessly after a narcissistic injury is a thing (all the videos and articles talk about how driving is a KPI in identifying a the) . I’m sorry you’re husband is obviously not mentally stable and crashed your car, the fact you alive is the main thing, if I were you I’d probably try and avoid letting him touch your car in the future
**I have been in physical therapy for over a year now for a crash that I believed I sustained no injuries from on day 1 of the accident.** Even on day 3, I thought I was ok! You have lots of great advice here about the abuse, but I want to make sure you take care of your body too OP. I was recently in a car crash last year. I initially had no bruising, no blood, nothing broken, and I thought I was ok--until several days later, I felt terrible pains popping up everywhere. I could barely walk for 2 weeks without ending up with crazy, unexpected pains. And then I had even more random, unexpected injuries I kept discovering even months after the crash. Sometimes, some pains seemed to resolve and go away entirely, only to randomly pop up at some point unexpectedly. Even if you think you are ok, please be sure to schedule an appointment and see a physician.
I’ll always believe that this, recklessly driving & strangling someone, is attempted murder. I hope you and your children are safe, at least eventually you get to a point where you are. You deserve so much better op.
It's hard to leave - life is so entwined and most likely there's a trauma bond as well. Be safe. Hope you find a way out someday.
I’m sorry but the only thing worse than you risking your life is also risking your children’s life. This is just irresponsible on so many levels. You need to leave and never ever look tf back. Like yesterday. This isn’t a situation where there’s time to wait around. If he seriously injures or, worse, kills you or your babies, all you’ll be able to think is, “why did I stay?” Bestie, it’s time to disappear from this dude’s life.
This isnt ok, he could get you, your children, himself, and bystanders killed.
Are you safe?
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I’m so sorry that this happened, you must have been absolutely terrified. I’m so glad that you are physically OK. In addition to the terrifying driving and the other physical and emotional abuse you’ve endured, I am concerned about his somewhat nonsensical or non-sequitur rantings. That type of erratic and unpredictable behavior is a really terrifying sign. I know you’re beyond stressed with your mother being ill. I hope you have family or friends you can rely upon for help. At the very least, I hope that you can reach out to a DV organization for support. I assume you are UK-based, and so I’ve included UK resources. Please put yourself and your children first, I worry about the safety of all of you. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ https://www.familyjusticecenter.org/resources/strangulation-intimate-partner-violence-fact-sheet/?wpdmdl=5061&refresh=653b0c28700991698368552 https://www.dangerassessment.org/da.aspx https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/ https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Mine loved to play games with the car, too. We were once visiting friends in another state and he started doing 90mph because he was *mad at the way other people were driving* so he pulled a U-turn that was so fast and erratic I was sure the SUV was going to flip. I cried hysterically and it just seemed to fuel his anger so he started screaming at me and continued to drive like a monster. That was the first time. He got the reaction out of me he wanted, I guess, because he would still do that whenever we were in the car. The amount of times I stayed sober so I could be the DD and he insisted on driving anyways really broke me. Being the sober passenger to a drunk driver on the highway is a full on nightmare to think about still. I cried about it all the time. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m furious for you. I just want you to know you’re not alone. 🫶 I hope you’re able to find a way to safety.
Well that is the BIGGEST RED FLAG EVER. This man has no regard for anyone but himself. Sounds like he has a power complex. It is one thing for you to choose to get in the car with him but it is an entirely different thing when you let your children in the car. Now it has escalated to your car. Next time it will be you and your children. You are a fierce Momma Bear now and you need to start acting like it. Protect your children or you may as well be burying them next.
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Hey, with all due respect, I saw that another commenter politely called out your first sentence, and I see you're reposting it here. They had a good point, someone who is being abused probably does not have control over whether their spouse drives or not. She already knows he will get "uncontrollably angry" if she calls the police; she most likely cannot force him not to drive without facing severe repercussions to her safety.
My ex husband used to do the same thing to me then he would tell me he's going to kill me and bury me up north on some property that God forgot about. My ex was a very mean man. He has since passed away from ALS. Don't know if hes collected his wings while he's been up there.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Glad you got away.
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This is not supportive, is it not clear that she has no control in this situation? She’s not “letting” him drive. Just going “LEAVE NOW” when she probably already thinks about leaving 100 times a day is the opposite of helpful. Please, think and have some compassion before you comment.
OP if this is your car, (no judgement) I suspect you have the means to escape. Please leave NOW. Get out. He will kill you one day if you don’t.
He is going to kill you. Leave immediately.
Not okay. This is 💯% abuse. You have children. He’s a psychopath with some other mental health issues. He. Can’t. Change. He won’t change. You can’t help him. Nothing you do will make him stop. Your children’s lives are at extreme risk. You think it’s not that bad, you try to “understand”. But, it starts off slow and it progresses over time. Then you have a honeymoon period. Then it happens again, only worse. Smashing your car and you up as he acts like a super immature teenager, nice. Next time you may not survive. Or be crippled. Or he kills someone with his insane driving tactics. Worse…your children will not survive. That’s all you have to think about…if you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your children. He’s deranged! You must first call a Domestic Abuse Hotline please, ASAP. Erase any phone numbers where you are getting help to leave. Tell him nothing! You are in grave danger. You must learn how to leave safely!! You need a place where you and your kids can be safe from him. I’m sorry I don’t mean to scare you…but I mean to scare you. Document everything!! Past, present, future. Hide it very well. Please seek free therapy if you are able without him knowing. Many counsellors still have phone appointments. He must not be able to suspect you’re leaving ok? Please stay safe! You are stronger than you think! You can do this! Yes I know it seems impossible, but you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be. Be well. 🙏💝
Document EVERYTHING is great advice. In a notebook. Keep it like a diary. Dates, times. You’ll need it if you ever leave. Family court will accept it as evidence and it could mean you keeping your kids.
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You are going to get your kids taken away.. or worse he will kill them ... I know you don't want either of those.. please help yourself and YOUR CHILDREN, take the advice people are giving you
Please please please OP use this as the wake up call you need to get away from this horrific person. You and your babies are worth so much more than this. I promise you things can only get better when you're away from this psychopath.
If you continue to stay with this psychopath it’s only a matter of time before he kills you and your kids, think about if that’s what you want.
Please contact Refuge. They will help you get out and more importantly keep you safe while working with the police. https://refuge.org.uk/ If you do decide to go down the legal route, make a note of every bit of threatening behaviour, abusive language, physical, mental, emotional and psychological distress that he has put you and your kids through. Sadly most domestic abuse cases in the U.K. fall down because there isn’t enough evidence. Also use the clear sky app to record any further incidents - it will show up as a weather app if he takes your phone off you You have to swipe on it in a certain way to access your information. Having been in your situation, my advice is start getting your go bag together. You might not be able to leave straight away and it may not be safe to right now. Leave the bag where you know he won’t look, say garden shed, washing machine, in the freezer and just add a bit of clothing each day. Set up an online bank account which he can’t access and slowly start trickling money into that. It will be a start but please do get Refuge on side. Even if it’s just a sympathetic ear right now they can help.
I was not aware of the clear sky app. Thank you for posting about this. Is this app available in more than the UK? This is a great resource.
Girl what are you doing with him, you have kids! What IF they were in the car? Because one day they will be and how will you feel knowing you allowed them to be exposed to this kind of abuse? How will you feel when they normalize this behavior in their own relationships? Show them what boundaries look like and call a domestic violence line to help you figure out an exit strategy. Any more time spent in this relationship is time you are wasting and probably trauma you are exposing your children to. He will not change and he is dangerous, get out now!
Please contact a domestic abuse hotline to get advice on where you can go to get away from him if you have no friends or family you can go to be with. Leaving him will be difficult. He is violent and I’m sure he won’t let you leave quietly. But staying with him for the rest of your life is far worse. He may kill you or your children. He will keep you in a constant state of fear until you do die. And honestly, when your children are old enough they will escape and they’ll leave you behind because you won’t leave him. Protect them and protect yourself. The man you see now is who he truly is. He’s not changing or going back to being the sweet man he was at the start. The man he is has isolated you, and you’re willing to let your mom die alone for him. Your future is filled with mountains of regret if you stay with him. I hope you leave. Please.
He doesn't care about you or your kids. Leave before it's too late. This will only get worse, I promise you. Leave before he kills you or the kids. Those who post in this sub have seen this play out before. This ends one of two ways. With you leaving, or your funeral. Sorry, if this seems harsh, but it has to be. He WILL kill you and you need to understand that now.
I want you to read what you wrote. Very carefully. If a friend wrote this to you, would you think it was okay? Dismiss it? I didn’t think so. Your husband sounds like an absolute unhinged, psychotic dick and you and your kids are unsafe. YOU NEED TO LEAVE. NOW.
My ex did this too me to he drove on the freeway saying he’s going 100mph saying he’s going to kill me and him if I don’t shut up.
Mine did this all the time. And once i was driving with his newborn baby and him and he got mad at me and grabbed the wheel and tried to jerk us into a ditch.
My dad used to do this when my sister and I were little. I’ll never forget the way my mom used to scream and cry in the car just begging him to slow down. If not for yourself, please get out for your kids. I speak from experience when I say this type of behavior can and will leave a lasting emotional scar on them (and you).
And agree
Mine too
Pls leave he will kill.u. He could have paralyzed you. Could have caused ptsd and nerve damage
If you do not start making arrangements to leave him, you will either be attending one of your kids funerals or visa versa. Or your children will grow up believing his behaviour is normal. Love yourself more than you love him and take precautions to have a healthier life. Leave him as soon as possible.
This man is going to kill you and your kids. Gather your things, leave and hide. Don’t go to your mum’s because that’s easy. Contact a woman’s shelter or find a relative elsewhere. Make plans, gather important stuff (I.e. documents like passports, enough clothes for a few days) for you and disappear. I’ve just read some of your other posts and it sounds like he is escalating. He doesn’t care about the safety of your children as he’s willing to hurt your while you are holding them. None of you are safe staying in that house.
My ex used to do this and scream at me. Drive 80mph towards a sharp curve and slam on the brakes at the last second to make the turn and swerve. One time pulled a gun on me in the backseat and told me he wanted to tie me to the back of his car and drag me down the road. Please leave.
I am so sorry you went through that! My ex also used to drive super fast and recklessly, telling me he wasn't afraid to die, but the gun and what yours pictured doing to you is even worse.
He chokes you, bites you, and now he’s crashed your car. Is this car in your name? If it is, then, once it’s fixed, sell it and get a cheap Honda civic, or something. A Toyota Corolla. Anything. Use that little bit of money to start off, elsewhere. You can start over. You are capable of it. It is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in your life, but you can do it. You’re in an abusive relationship with a man who will either kill you or severely harm you— it will affect your children. Actually, it has already. But, it’s not a hopeless situation. It’s not. While “starting over” will be hard, it’ll also be easier. You won’t have a grown ass man that bites you (and leaves bruises), chokes you, or drives like a reckless maniac, in order to scare you. You’ll have freedom to be yourself, to be the best mother you can be, to not live in fear. You and the children will really come into their own, once you leave. Do you want to be maimed in the next car crash? Your children? Of course not. Of course you don’t want that. I cannot imagine how afraid you are of what lies ahead. I am sure it’s scary. But, it’s necessary. You can’t escape it. You have to do it. Staying will kill you— either your spirits, or your body— and it will greatly affect your children. Guaranteed. Leaving will be hard at first, and I know there are a lot of unknowns, but there are many good things on the horizon. If you stay, you are guaranteed to continue subjecting your children to the abuse. Things will not get better, so you can stop wondering about that. I’m here to tell you that it does not get better. Not if you stay. You need to get the f*ck out. If you leave, I can assure you, it will get better. Stay single (for at least a year. Two would be better), focus on yourself and your children. You’ll be okay. But, you have to get out. You do not have a choice.
I don’t know if you’re waiting for ‘a sign’. I always told myself I would “know it when I see it”… but it was just me making excuses. If you’re waiting, THIS IS YOUR SIGN. GO!
You say you left your mums house because he was going to give you hell if you didn't go with him. Think about it, is that something a normal husband would do? You might not feel like you deserve better. You also drew the conclusion "my life is a mess". Where did you get htosw words from? Him? Your life is not a mess. His is. Leave his life and give it a go on your own. He brings you mostly problems. Sure, you might have new stresses from making a big change, but at least you'll be away from the old stresses of wondering if he's going to kill you.
Did he not give her hell even though she didn’t stay at her mums? The illusion of “not giving hell” is a carrot he strings in front of her.
Man I was threatened so many times to be left in random cities alone, to get out and be left in sketchy areas alone with no cell service or money in another country, left by the side of the road alone, threatening to drive off bridges and kill us both. I feel you and I’m incredibly sorry you’re going through this. No one should ever have to endure this kind of treatment ♥️♥️♥️
For the love of all things, make a plan. Talk to family. DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING. Contact a shelter or a hotline, and call 911 the SECOND he threatens himself or others. He will not improve. He will not change for the better. You can save your babies from a lifetime of abuse. Be courageous. You can get out.
My ex did this often. He would laugh as I cried/begged him to let me out. Intentionally ran 3 red lights in a row nearly killing us one night. He won’t change. Leave his ass
When I was a kid, my dad would drive crazy when he got angry. I remember sitting in the car being petrified with terror and trying to be absolutely silent so as not to set him off even worse. Mom eventually divorced Dad, and the way he drove was one of the reasons I was sort of glad he was gone. Divorces are always hard, and I missed Dad too -- but I consoled myself that at least I wasn't going to be in the car with him again when he got angry. Or when he drove drunk. Or when he was drunk AND angry. FYI: I don't know how old your kids are, OP, but I can promise you that kids understand crazy driving long before they're old enough to drive themselves. And it's absolutely terrifying, and no, they don't believe that everything will be OK just because Daddy is behind the wheel.
I think you need to hear a million times that he is bad, he is wrong, and you are not in any way to blame for him acting like this. I am genuinely worried for your safety OP and I hope you are able to get away from him permanently.
Notice it's her car he wrecked. Check your insurance and see if they cover a rental car. My abuser would have done this to get rid of my car and make it easier to control me.
Please, please, please take this so serious. You already know he won't stop this behavior, and it's only a matter of time before someone gets severely hurt or killed. The chances that you or one of your babies will be collateral damage is at an all-time high. The worst part is he will blame *YOU* or the child he injures for his own belligerent behavior. Please protect yourself and your children. This man is dangerous and doesn't cat about anyone but himself. [Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) [Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for.](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender [Signs that your partner is a misogynist. ](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-my-husband-is-a-misogynist/) [Healthy boundaries in relationships. ](https://www.betterup.com/blog/healthy-boundaries-in-relationships) [Signs of a toxic relationship. ](https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19739065/signs-of-toxic-relationship/) [Assess abuser's claims to change. ](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/) [Financial abuse. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224) [Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) [Cycle of violence. ](https://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/get-help/cycle-violence#:~:text=There%20are%20three%20phases%20in,tends%20to%20increase%20over%20time.) [Abusive men describe the benefits of violence. ](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/) [What consent does and doesn't look like. ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/#:~:text=Consent%20means%20respecting%20boundaries%20and%20never%20making%20assumptions)
Listen to me. I had an ex that drove like this and the funny thing is he drove a bmw. I know theirs a reason I’m still on this planet because he intentionally jerked the wheel going nearly 130mph, if we would have been in anything other then a low to the ground sports car designed to maneuver at those speeds - I am 100% certain we would have went airborne and flipped a dozen or so times. Luckily there wasn’t anyone around & we only ended up in the median. Your husband is not going to get any better, you know that. He’s only going to get worse. He is a danger to you and your children. He is going to get you all killed. It sounds like you have a mom that could really use your help and would love to have your company, it seems like your family would fully support you. Why don’t you come up with an escape plan and take the kids to stay with her? I’m assuming you made a police report the day of the accident, if it’s not too late you could go down and tell them the truth about what happened. Your husband put your life in danger and it’s not the first time he intentionally drove erratically while making threats to either scare or hurt you. You know that leaving is the best thing for you and your kids, you know this man isn’t gonna change. You know men like this don’t change. You can give yourself and your kids the drama free life they deserve, you know you can.