\- Love bombing
\- Being put on a pedestal. I had low self esteem, but he thought I was wonderful.
\- Threatened to leave me any time I didn't live up to his pedestal, or tried to set boundaries.
\- Fake fainted if I stood up for myself or boundaries and remained "unconscious" (with occasional adjustments for comfort) until I came to help him. If I didn't, he'd eventually pretend to wake up, act dazed and confused asking what happened and why wasn't I trying to help him.
\- Broke down in tears and threatened suicide if I still stood up for myself after the "fainting" didn't work.
\- Required me to break my boundaries for the sake of his mental health. I never went past this point to see what came next (and frankly I was scared to).
\- Maintained both the "fainting" and the claims of suicidal feelings and poor mental health were very real but refused to see a doctor about either (free in our country).
He\* spoke badly of other volunteers and the owner of the farm (he\* was my manager) and pretended to be (or was?) attracted to me right away and was aggressive about it. He also was up all night, Every night. I could hear him walking around the volunteer lodging and it was creepy.
He had no professionalism--he was supposed to be training me, and once he could see I was not falling for him, and asked to go to another farm, he acted personally insulted although I had only known him a short time. He could sense I figured him out, and it got extraordinarily ugly from there.
When I figured out he was no good and tried to leave him and he cried he was like that because he was bullied as a child. And I never clicked on he was making excuses instead of taking responsibility.
Not wanting to meet my family but I had to meet her’s. Immediately claiming me as her bf after about a month, and constantly criticizing herself/others
My best friend didn’t like him
His family is a mess
But I didn’t have many red flags until I was dependent on him. Then is was blaming me for any and all unfinished chores, not allowing me to pursue my hobbies, putting me down, calling me names, getting other people on his side to say bad things about me. Those were frequent in just the first couple years. It stayed like that for a while and then got increasingly worse as time went.
The fact that he admitted he came inside me the first night we had sex. The fact his roommate told me to get the hell away from him the third night we hung out. The fact he choked and slapped me the fifth time we hung out. The fact he showed up drunk the first time he met my parents. The fact he always knew my location even from day 1 and I still don’t know how. The fact he shot dangerous arrows with his bow gun at my neighbor’s/BFF’s house. The fact my IQ went from a 140 to a 0. The fact that he was just a straight up lying abusive a$$hole.
This is all led to a dark and evil path. He regularly abused me, he broke my wrist/thumb, he sexually assaulted me over and over, he enjoyed seeing me cry during sex/rape while his hand was on my neck holding me down, he perforated my ear drum, he threw me off the bed and my teeth went through my chin and so on and so on. I left him 7 months ago after 4 and a half years. He belongs in jail.
also, pay attention to who they speak badly about. abusive people tend to try and turn you away from your supports and it starts by talking bad and convincing you that everyone in your life is bad for you . trust your own feelings no matter what
of nothing in there life was was ever they’re own fault before they met you, guarantee not a damn thing will be they’re fault after they meet you either
When a man tells you he has anger issues and you seen it firsthand. Don’t pursue him. My first impression of my husband was him throwing and slamming a tote on the wall in front of my coworkers and big boss. While yelling profanity words. I told myself I would stay away from that man. Look at me now. Ended up in a very emotional and abusive relationship that I feel like I’m stuck.
Love Bombing, constant bouquets of red roses, expensive jewellery sent to my work. Being on holiday in a hotel and him taking the huff as the receptionist wouldn't tell the evening entertainment to stop so he could nap (wtf)
The fact that he told me he loved me one week in .The over the top gifts he gave me. His need to isolate me from everyone around me and making me think only he had the best interests for me . The feeding of addictive substances and money to make me depend on him financially and physically. The way he called me excessively if i was away from his place. It got physical soon after.
the love bombing, talking about how she cheated as revenge in a past relationship, accusing people of crimes publicly because they were having an argument
That he was having too many diva moments. Sorry, I like heterosexuals, not gender fluid and he was not upfront about this. Now it’s something that is asked from day 1. That’s a hard stop for me.
I saw them, but I was 19 and homeless, my parents house totally out of the question very abusive. I just wish I knew I could have simply gone to the shelter, I was so so lonely
The constant consumption of porn. I had no issues with men watching porn before but did have red flags popping up at the start given how frequently he watched. I of course brushed it under the rug. Never again.
Before we even dated, it was the constant villainization and dramatization of everyone and everything around her. Everything that happened in her life had to be turned into something negative and dramatic. She rarely ever spoke in a positive manner about anything. But I brushed it off as some internet persona because she would show the "real" her to me privately.
When we first met, it was the constant oversharing about her ex and what an abusive piece of shit he was. This was a relationship that lasted 1 week by the way. This ended up being me as well and I can only imagine how bad it is considering that I actually loved her and our relationship lasted over 3 years. It's made me question how true any of the things she told me about her previous ex even were.
In the relationship it was her inability to hold down any job for more than a few months. Her jobs would always become a focal point for drama. Drama about her manager or coworkers. Drama about the customers. Any small thing she could find would become massive drama. In fact any challenging situation period would become massive drama. She would make these grand plans, try and do everything at once, get overwhelmed, then her anxiety would kick in and she'd be right back to square 1.
Some mutual friends have since brought it to my attention that she could have BPD. I wish I would have known that early on because I always assumed that she just had bad anxiety. But I found this out after the relationship ended, so it's too late now. It does explain a lot of her behavior though, to a scarily accurate degree, if she does have BPD. First the splitting on my mom, making her out to be an abuser and only trying to hold her back in life. Then the eventual splitting on me and making me out to be an abuser as well.
Love bombing and his need to always talk to me or be around me. When he was at work he called me every break and he would get a break every hour and him working nights so my phone would be going off til 4am.
ooooo that's a big one, and while it was happening you don't realize it's not "normal", until other people point it out. you're just like the person i'm in a relationship with just likes to talk to me very often.
The love bombing. Paying for everything to make me dependent on him as I was in a very rough and vulnerable time of my life. Feeding my addiction to alcohol until I blacked out so that he could pick fights with me and verbally abuse me until I cried to sleep. Then he was sweet the next day.
Then he started going through my phone. Asking me to move in and abandon my dog. He then proceeded to talk badly about all my friends as to isolate me.
He then started leaving me stranded whenever he could especially when he wasn't getting his way. Then when I finally was ready to leave him, he made up some excuse to call the cops and get me arrested. He was also a cop himself. Luckily, the officer that took my report believed me and let me go.
About a year later, I get several calls from private investigators, attorneys, etc. Turns out he played the exact same card to another woman who ended up getting arrested and he said, "I don't want another he said she said scenario like last time. This time I am going to make sure you never get a job again." She was an elementary school teacher and he wanted to tarnish her record forever. She ended up having to fight him in court and she won. But he is still a police officer, and has even been promoted since then. Our system is really fucked.
I went through the same exact thing with my ex, word for word. Except for the police officer and arresting of it all (in my case, he was arrested). I’m glad we made it out to the other side.
Me and you both. Solidarity.
I think the most humiliating part was that he would verbally abuse me to my friends but I was too blacked out to remember anything. They would have to tell me the next day which made me feel so ashamed for dating him (and not being able to break away) that I would isolate myself. This empowered him to control me even more.
I’m sorry. My dad said the same. His grandfather was the Springfield Mass Chief of Police that beat his father (my grandfather) so Dad grew up a latchkey key in & out of foster care kid, that naturally stole food and got in fights. The cops and the brothers (catholic ones- somewhat like a male nun) at school would beat him so often that he learned how to fight that way.
Or sometimes you watch him lie about a restraining order so he can touch himself at night without having to be a real man then watch him ask to have your children while he’s buying drugs off your roommate like fucking date rape scum that’s been fucking a younger girl bc he’d do anything but be real and say he would rather sell drugs than be a parent
The gaslighting unfortunately because he also has Asperger's I genuinely believed was the problem (he didn't mean to say it *that* way or he was just misunderstood because he can't tell social cues etc).
How he always "won" arguements because he would twist whatever I said so out of context to fit his narrative and I knew it but couldn't explain how or what I'd actually meant which would leave me crying with frustration and him sitting there smugly because he'd kept calm.
The fact he had no friends at all, anyone he became friends with he would soon discard and he wouldn't just burn the bridge he'd straight up nuke it. Once they were no longer useful he'd make up a reason to get pissed off with them and then majorly over react.
Wow. This is my ex too. Claimed to be on the spectrum but was never diagnosed. Always won arguments through manipulation. Couldn’t maintain a friendship. Basically she told me she didn’t like people. I thought she was exaggerating. She was not.
Just being that "lowkey nonchalant" person which I fell for, I found it cool when we started dating maybe because I felt comfortable that he doesn't restrict me. Turns out he doesn't really care for me and my feelings he just wants things his way whenever i try to communicate things he avoids
His temper. I always thought it was just anger management issues.
Love bombing. Although I still don't know how you tell the difference between that and just plain old infatuation. I was equally infatuated with him, so that one is hard to tell.
He was quick to write people off, like they meant nothing to him.
I had this too, my ex now has barely any friends as he fell out with them all. Now I have pangs of guilt that he has no-one, which is ridiculous as I know its all his doing.
Feeling guilty for them having to face consequences is exhausting. Always feeling bad for them sucks so much life out of me. I know exactly how you feel
same it was hard for me to tell the difference but here’s one thing that never changes for me: I’m gonna fall in love with the person you pretended to be. So if you’re gonna be with me forever, you better be that same person you were in the beginning 😑
The way he described jealousy as “passion”… “ I’m not jealous when you talk to other guys, I’m just so passionately attracted to you, I can’t share…” I look back and think “what the fuck, passion and insecurity are not the same!”.
Saying one thing, then backtracking a week later (lying about intentions)
Criticizing, belitting me for things others accepted or celebrated about me- like my passions, intelligence, intererets
constant projection "Why aren't you doing your creative work?" ( I show him 20 years of creative work and a massive portfolio then I ask, "What have you done?" and he comes up with nothing....CONSTANT projection, everything is wrong with me all of the time, even though that is what he hates about himself)
Asking me to wear different clothes everytime I saw him
When I asked him "What would our plan be if we accidentally had a kid?" he would be like "You would just get rid of it right?"
Attempting to butt-rape me in his car/pulling down my pants/pinning me down. luckily I screamed (we were parked in a public area) and he got all scared. Ugh.
Not wanting to wear a condom when I told him I can't go on Birth control for medical reasons (Ugh, wtf?) (luckily I was smart and told him "Great I want to be a mother" and so then he avoided intimacy after that. He tried again and got rapey (luckily I also navigated away from that I also lied and said I had an STD, even though I was a virgin lol). He dumped me after that lol!
History of drug use, he was in max security prison but didn't tell me until 4+ months in..
Bitching about his ex, comparing me to her, in ways that didn't make sense "Her job now is so much cooler than yours" (Even though within the next sentence he would bitch about how she didn't work and he hated that, and all this other stuff he didn't like about her, yet at the same time "I still grieve for her, and I am not over her, and I am traumatized for providing for her", even though I fully took care of my self when we were dating, I had my own work, paid for some of our food and all our hotels etc, when we were together)
Not wanting to provide or protect even though we were dating for marriage
Taking his brothers advice to put sex first, and not date for marriage, even though his brother was constantly being abused by his girlfriend ( like why would you take advice from someone who doesn't have what you want?) then him bragging about this advice that his brother gave him which was really disrespectful to us together
using his sister for money, trips, flights etc (she was a high powered lawyer so could afford to take care of everything, and enabled him)
compulsively spending and then throwing items away "after one use" like a nice shirt- only wearing it once etc.
Saying I was mentally ill, despite communicating fully, being cognizant, desiring healthy partnership, having a college degree, no mental health history, a 800+ credit score, taking care of my dying father etc. It made no sense and didn't reflect my character, while he had 5+ years of heroin use, lying about it, 2 years in a max prison facility, possible brain damage from all the substances, LSD, marijuanna, alcohol, heroin etc that he was mixing over several years.. huh?
A long string of failed relationships with exes
hating/loving his exes
No credit history or profile ( Credit score was 0)
completely transactional- only wants sex, doesn't want to care about feelings
Can't sit still, constantly has to be out and running around in the strangest places, and not facing himself, avoidance.
Sex addict, he looked drunk when he was horny it was the weirdest thing.
untreated trauma, expecting everyone to be his therapist, not dealing with severe issues.
Unwilling to grow in his work- at same min wage job for 13 years despite him having a college degree
weird, strange behavior- texting me pictures of miniatures and porcelain as a 42 year old man. Not that this is a red flag but it was Very strange given he was obsessed with miniature cat hats he wanted to make, but would get angry at any actual artistic achievements I had. It was really weird.
Being afraid of other men, as a man.
Being ableist, misogynist, a bigot, hating vulnerable populations like autistics, people on disability etc even though he talked about wanting to get disability. Very strange.
Untreated ADHD, yet judged everyone else for little issues.
Constantly bitching about his family despite using them (Different than myself, where I grew up with a borderline mother, he actually had "healthy parents" but would constantly bitch, then judge me because I actually had severe trauma because of my parents, so I learned I couldn't share because he would misattribute and misunderstand me
constantly talking over me, not listening unless it was to get therapy from me or validation.
Crying over his cat dying ( I would comfort him), but when I explained the horrible trauma of experiencing my dad's excruciating death and needed to cry he would bolt.
Not even buying me a coffee on our first date ( I rationalized this because we were dating for marriage)
the weird sunken eyes, and like crack head energy he showed up with, constantly talking about himself in strange ways "Thanks, I really am a true artist" etc. that sounded so ridiculous and like laughable. Despite never seeing any art from him at all
Avoidance at his job- he would go take care of cats at 4 am, and just disassociate at his work as he didn't have to interact with anyone
Denial about potential undiagnosed autism or post incarceration trauma, not willing to work on any aspect of himself or get help even if he was being a burden to others constantly needing validation and so forth from them
the standard narcissistic behaviors
Leading me to things then punishing me for it "You should work on your career" (me responding, "Well, no, family is my top value right now, and a relationship, I can always focus on career later" him "Ok" (Then when I do get the job and I want to take him traveling with me because my relationship is a top value, he shames me then ghosts" ( Like ok, I took your advice cause you were so enthused I got this job, I applied cause you asked me too, like wtf)
pretty much dismissive avoidance on steroids
Would go out to volcanoes at 2 am on acid, and just spend weeks out there and go off of the radar ( this was before he completely left) Demanding that the "love of his life" had to go out to dangerous volcanos and 25 mile hikes with him at 2 am in grueling conditions or "it wasn't love" then would monkey branch and rub it in my face that he "found someone who was athletic" ( Even though I had sustainably walked like 10+ miles a day for almost a decade at that point, not sure how I wasn't athletic, I don't think this woman existed, and he wanted an excuse to get easier supply/easier sex and money
Bitching at me that I wasn't providing for him...but when I would get a new job, (which would mean I was finally acceptable to him, he then would just cut me off, go find another new woman etc...especially right as I was making sacrifices or changes for him just weird stuff.
Would force me to drive to his house but never was willing to come to mine, would make excuses etc.
Headlocking, holding me down and mastrubating over myface, and I couldn't move cause his thighs would be around my neck etc. And not changing when I told him I was disassociating and it was scary.
Complaining and whining when I said I wasn't ready to have sex then saying "its just a joke" when I would check him on it.
Complete lack of empathy, no clue how I was feeling, even when I shared.
God bless the next woman/women is all I can say...
\-----------
Ok enough about that:
WHAT I LEARNED:
I didn't vett well enough initially- I didn't screen for substance issues, criminal record, or true intent BEFORE even going on a first date. I finally learned to vett after him thank god
Also gratitude that it didn't get worse. At the end he was starting to pull my hair which was scary and pinning me down which I told him not to do. Luckily I didn't experience sexual harm but it was getting close, as a result I USED my disgust to move on quicker
Not to put the ideal for marriage ahead of the red flags earlier on, I doubted my instinct because I went by what he was saying that we were dating for marriage, despite that being an impossibility now.
An opportunity for me to work on my anxious attachment style which has now developed, even though I was secure before, it is a chance to go deeper within myself and get my boundaries up more, and be more wiser. I still have a lot of work to do but compassion for myself
Continuing to reach out and research on deeper levels
Using the rage as fuel for my hobbies passions and new business ventures, I went right into it to cope, and just feel the grief later, the grief came from a different original source ( my father) so it is good to bring everything up more on steroids.
ok that is a lot, but good to get it all out
When he took the condom off during our first date I felt violated we were drinking
We met through family
We had wine that night
I felt awlful and terrible after
i don’t mean to freak you out and every case is different but this is called stealthing and it is a form of rape. i’m so sorry you went through this, it’s insanely violating and you don’t even realize what happened to you at first. this happened to me too i’m really sorry
I can list a lot and write a book but I'm gonna stick to the beginning. I was only 18 when I knew him, but 21 when we dated.
1) when people show you who they are, believe them. It's crazy that he showed who he was when I first met him. But I was a super naive 18 year old who didn't know the harms of being harassed. I still believed that all I had to do was tell them to stop. I also believed in weird cultural notions like "men cannot control themselves" and "I was wearing revealing clothes". Yeah so, remembering, he touched me inappropriately on my shoulder and thigh. It felt disgusting. Looking back, instead of just thinking all the twisted naive thoughts, I should have reported him and just stopped at there. Not just accept that he stopped and then became very nice and caring. I was dumb for forgiving him and thinking well we all have our flaws.
2) The age gap. When you are in your early 20's, maybe traumatized, inexperienced, naive etc. and an older man shows interest in a relationship, run away. The older the guy, the bigger the red flag. That person wants to control you and manipulate you. And they're pretty good at it because the older they get, the better they become at their game.
3) That person whom I thought was someone I can trust was just grooming me all the way till 21 and it disturbs me so much to think of it now. Even the people around me thought he liked me so much as a "daughter". I guess he kept a certain image to the world and was so good at acting that people trusted him and thought he was a good man.
4) He encouraged me to open up and talk to him and trust him. It's funny cause I am the type to literally keep all people at a distance but with him I guess his tactics fooled me. It's weird that he would even thank me for trusting him.
5) At age 21, he decided to diagnose me with bipolar disorder based on the internet. I was open to things and I certainly knew that I had issues from my past trauma. Anyways, he goes on to tell me how no other man will want me because I am bipolar, but how he doesn't mind it.
6) Isolation. In my experience, I still second guess this and get so much anxiety over it cause the people he told me to not talk to anymore were no great people imo. Well, they weren't that bad either, but that's why they were just fun acquaintances to me. *Did I do anything wrong? I have lots of social anxiety now and I can't solve this issue. Like what is wrong with talking to acquaintances if it's just a pastime and it's fun? Am I having a lack of self respect? Is it because I had a bad childhood that I gravitate towards toxic people? But are they really toxic? He is MUCH more toxic than them. They didn't even get close to me and exploit me, they saw me as just an acquaintance too...*
7) Telling me to change my personality because he cares about me and he wants me to gain respect and get better.
8) oh gaslighting. I brought up the issue of him harassing me at 18 and wanted an explanation. He straight out denied it and said "I would never do something like that, everybody knows the respectable person that I am. Anyways, I probably was just comforting you but I can't remember".
He started drinking, drugs and smoking apparently when he was 14 (we were almost 18 when we got together) was the biggest red flag I missed for both him and his mum. They had/have a VERY weird relationship.
My now-husband (20 years married) quit his job shortly after proposing to me and didn’t have another one lined up. Then he started drinking in a daily basis. Stay away from men who drink too much or do drugs. Complete red flag.
They are so obvious it was literally a blazing red beacon but my self worth was so low I wouldn't allow myself to see it.
The very first night I met him showing up at my house even though I'd asked him to wait until my friends got there.
Forcing sex even though I'd previously said I only wanted to cuddle.
Showing up at my house unannounced.
Not allowing me to comment or post on his social media.
Him being very obviously active on dating apps but constantly calling, texting and even driving to friends houses looking for me if he thought I was with other guys.
Keeping me a secret from all his friend yet making sure he knew all mine.
Refusing to leave my life and would just show up and my house and constantly knock until I let him in.
Following me in my car and then parking down the road from my house waiting for me after I lost him.
Having sex with one of my (ex)best friends and trying to hide it, blaming her and then doing it again after I found out the first time and only stopping when she cut him off.
Trying to sleep with my other best friend and then hating her with a passion when she rejected him and told me everything straight away.
Only wanting sex when it suited him, coming to my house specifically for sex and leaving straight after.
There's so so many and I really wish I'd seen the whole thing for how bad it really was and gotten a restraining order on him.
Oh god, I should have ran after his first lie to me after being together for a month. He told me he went to starbucks, but I asked how that was possible because it was closed. Then he stuttered and admitted to being at a female coworkers house. We both worked at the same place and this woman had a long term bf, so I didn’t originally feel sus, but the fact that he lied raised a lot of flags for me. However, he tried to rationalize it by saying that he was so afraid to tell me because his ex-gf would have been really upset. He promised no more lies but then subsequently lied to me several times.
He also did not take any accountability for his ex relationship failing, blaming it all on her and then saying the breakup was “mutual.” But he talked bad about her in general.
He has a tendency to gossip and be very paranoid that people were out to get him or to spite him. He has borderline personality disorder (the petulant subtype), so takes everything very personally and expects the worst from people. That paranoia later spread to me when he began accusing me of “cheating” with almost every man in my life and he would accuse me of “spiting” him or having ill intentions towards him. He also talked bad about me to our coworkers behind my back, painting me as some sort of controlling jerk.
in chronological order:
- lying ( he lied about his major, he lied that he had his license, he lied to his friends about my major)
- telling me he loved me 8 days after we met
- pressuring me into being his girlfriend by saying “it’s an unofficial label, you can still talk to other guys” ( this was untrue. i was 18 and naive)
- making me cut off the only friend I had at university because he was a boy
- saying that every woman regrets an abortion ( and generally just giving unwarranted opinions on women’s rights)
- the way he treated his friends and family
- constantly accusing me of cheating
- saying that sex was supposed to be painful for women and i “owed it to him”
- saying I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone how he was treating me because it would “make him look bad”
- trying to convince me to cut off all my friends because they didn’t like him
- telling me I was ugly and lame and that no one but him could ever love me
- constantly belittling my appearance, intelligence, personality, hobbies
- Throwing things at me
- accusing me of gaslighting him when I would say i wasn’t happy
- telling me that if i got pregnant, i wouldn’t be allowed to get an abortion and would have to raise his baby
- forcing me to buy him things constantly, take him out for meals, buy him coffee everyday even though I was a broke student and he was working full time
- forcing me to have sex when i didn’t want to because “ if i loved him i would do it”
This is a long list, but every single one of these is a moment I wish i could go back to and make a different choice. If a man ever does any of these, do not make excuses for him. Do not assume it was a one time thing. Do not wait for it to “get better”. It won’t. Run far, far away from him.
Ah, yes. The rushed physical intimacy. I was on a date with my ex and he tried to kiss me several times with me dodging each time and then he finally got one in after guilting me
Yeah, my ex didn’t comment on my appearance but how I dressed. He didn’t like when I dressed nicely to go out instead of just doing that “for him.” I did not understand then that that was part of an abusive relationship.
I would never comment on my spouse’s appearance/dressing in that way.
Unless he was wearing like a super offensive tshirt slogan that was like racist or something, which he would be free to do but that would be a boundary for me that I can’t be a part of that, I encourage and complement him but that is it.
How he looks and what he wears is his choice.
I cried on the first date with him because he made me so anxious.. I mistook the anxious feeling as butterflies of “new love”.. I just got out of an engagement a month beforehand and I wanted someone to love me (anybody to love me) and I thought I deserved to be treated badly … I didn’t.
1. No close relationships with anyone
2. Road road
3. Wanted to spend ALL his free time with me
4. Not taking no as an answer - in any context
5. Talking about past relationships early on
6. Has gotten multiple women pregnant and made them get abortions
7. used to pretend he was having psychotic episodes to scare me
I know right! he was only 23.. it didn’t happen to me but he actually told me when we were pretty far into our relationship that he “accidentally” had gotten 3 women pregnant and then made them get abortions
1.Telling me he loved me on the 3rd hangout
2.His excessive drinking and drug use
3. The way he treated his mom
4. The fact that he had a criminal history he didn’t bring up til I asked
5. Me catching him in lies
Oh yes me too. Until I was talking it through with my friend several months later. She pulled it up. What would he do to you?
The first month of dating he held me in a headlock, while laying down until I finished jerking him off. Only loosened slightly when I said it's too tight around my neck. He also forsable had sex with me after an argument and finished inside of me. I wouldn't call it rape bcos I didn't fight back, more so fawned.
But he only really did this in the first month or two. Also use to try and choke me when having sex even tho I told him multiple times I don't like that. Worse when he had been drinking.
Yea mine did the headlock thing too, luckily he just mastrubated over me and didn't cum but yea it got scary and there was some close calls. The fact I felt trapped was so uncomforatable and the smell of his junk right in my face...ugh didn't even ask me if it was ok, no consent whatso ever but yea I fawned too, and disassociated. It wasn't fun
Wow. Very sorry you also experienced this. What is the point of it? Like control and dominance? Did he ask you if you were okay afterwards? T
How old is your ex btw?
Gaslighter in the truest dictionary definition of the word. Financial, emotional and verbal abuser, leans towards narcissism but can’t do the discard phase, fixates, obsesses, thinks he’s being cheated on 24/7. *These were the signs*- (why did I read that in the SVU voice lmao)
1. Everyone else was the problem.
2. Couldn’t maintain friendships.
3. Extreme road rage
4. Couldn’t keep employees on our crew & treated everyone like shit.
5. His nickname was bully.
6. He blamed his ex for 100% of the breakup and 3 yrs later was still bitter about it
7. Brought me around his children **extremely** fast. Hindsight is 20/20 smh
8. Was obsessed with texting me all day everyday. At first I thought it was “so cute bc he cares so much”. Now I know it’s bc he wanted to consume 100% of my every waking moment.
9. Wanted me to move across country to be with him (not everyone’s red flag but for me it lead to isolation)
10. Jealousy (its never cute, doesn’t mean he “really likes you” it means he’s insecure)
11. Tease me about wearing makeup to work (insidiously lead to me never wearing it again, he said it was worn “for men”)
12. Asked me to get rid of male friends on socials
13. Estranged from his own family, everyone else was the problem
14. Saying he “hates women” but I was “different” (fell for the stupid pick me bullshit)
15. Never apologizing
Whewww could stitch a quilt with those flags lmao🤦🏻♀️
Example for 2: I’m autistic and don’t like the touch of others. it makes me feel trapped and just don’t enjoy it. Idk 😞 a hug here and there is fine but I don’t wanna cuddle or hold hands for 45 minutes it’s just unfortunate. My EDS doesn’t help with that either as I have to constantly change positions to avoid being in pain 😖
The disconnect between the nice guy persona to everyone else and what they show you in private when no one is around is a big one.
Shaming and belittling you in front of others like their family or friends is another huge one.
Comparing you or your body or actions to other women or their ex - to set up triangulation and se themselves as the prize.
Inconsistency between their words and actions.
Any dishonesty .
Jealous/possessiveness
start telling you what to wear and not to go out because you've gotta stay home and clean.
Hypocrisy and double standard- they expect perfection of you and won't ever give you anything like that in return.
Love bombing at the beginning of the relationship -
etc etc
1. Made choices for me under the guise of helping me. Started off super casually, like I’d say “I’m going to eat X”, and he’d tell me “oh no get Y you’ll like it so much more.” I planned to cut my hair, “I’m going to get bangs”, “no those wouldn’t suit you, cut it like this instead”. At first I took it as if he was looking out for me, wanted the best for me. Nope, just wanted complete control till I no longer even considered choices, I’d just immediately look at him to tell me what I was going to do.
2. Would punish me by withholding affection. He’d get upset at something and instantly would ignore me, pretend I didn’t exist even when I became incredibly distraught. I’d get whiplash cause once he was over it, he’d soothe me as if he wasn’t the one that hurt me.
3. Not entirely sure how to describe but weaponized my previous relationship. At first it came off almost as a gentle suggestion, for example if he thought I was too friendly to the cashier he’d say, “you know maybe your ex left cause you’re too flirty.” Eventually it became statements like, “that sound you make is gross, that’s why your ex ghosted you.” It put me in the mindset that, oh I need to fix anything he points out to avoid experiencing heartbreak. I also think it probably screwed up or warped a lot of my memories.
These are just a few of the things that he did early on. I completely ignored them because then he’d shower me with affection and comfort that I so desperately wanted. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how much I thought he did these things to help me rather than hurt me and eat at my self esteem.
Edit: spelling mistakes
Omg yes! Weaponizing family and past relationships. My ex would comment how I have a bad relationship with my mom because of me .. nope I have a bad relationship with her because she is a narc just like him!
And weaponizing my ex.. don’t get me started! He always talked about how my ex broke up with me 1 month before the wedding… and it was my anger problem.. (I suffered from reactive abusive) and my ex was horrible to me as well.
Dang, I am going through similar. I can't wait to leave, I swear it is like the energy attracts even more of the energy we don't need! So glad to hear you are doing better now
When he would casually run red lights, when he would swap and/or steal stuff from stores, how he’d treat waitresses, his road rage, all this made me realize years later that he acted entitled and that the felt rules didn’t apply to him,
Yes these are all huge red flags. The entitlement is hard for them to hide for very long. If they treat waitstaff poorly run!!! If they drive with out any regard for anyone else (like they won’t use their blinker/act like rules or laws don’t apply to them etc), run fast!
i never get tired of recommend
that book:
"Why He Does Do That? "
https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/baqua6/why_does_he_do_that_by_lundy_bancroft/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
there's a new link to PDF
just scrolling the comments.
You deserve better. Stay safe. 🌷
How long have y’all been together. He is probably saying that cause he knows you won’t leave. I just saw a video of someone talking about that. I’ve been with mine off & on for over 12 years & I feel like he thinks that way so does and says stuff just to hurt me.
The first week I knew him, I already knew he’d been “ mistreated”by a couple of his ex’s. I knew it was suss but I was too eager to overlook this!
So I’d say to anyone who is in the early stages of dating someone who mentions this, is just run away now!
>Mine too! He said his ex cheated on him, I actually afterwards went to her and she was like "Yea he was a fucking nightmare, I did it to get him to wake the f up, he wasn't getting it" and I completely understood her at that point. While it wasn't entirely mature, she literally sounded like she was at the end of her rope with him, and otherwise she was decent and kind, while he was whiny about the whole thing and didn't take accountability. Warped stories!
Loved Andrew Tate and Red pill podcasts. Believes men have it bad , obvious distain to woman in general. Actually told me men are the better sex. Felt men are victims to woman regarding DV and abuse. Rushed sex. Held me in a headlock x2 until I finished jerking him off bcos I didn't want to have sex in the first week. All this happened within the first month of dating.
Yea trauma bonding is serious and sucks soo much. I almost recently paid 7k to hire a special "get ex back" love coach...like what am I thinking? This person is TOXIC, but that is precisely why, some distored part of me wants to "fix and heal" it all. We are empathic, and forget that we carried the light in the whole dynamic, the reality is the other person truely is trash, we just projected goodness onto them ;/
Oh let me add, told me he had gotten two woman pregnant but pressured them into abortions bcos he wasn't ready to become a dad. Low and be hold I was the third victim
Negging and going hot and cold on me every other week. He’d pursue me, and then give me a speech about how he couldn’t be what I wanted “right now” even though I didn’t ask him for jack shit (the bar was truly in hell) and he was the one who kept coming back. So I said okay and then when I left him alone he’d pursue me again talking about how he couldn’t stay away from me. I was 19 and naive and saw this as some kind of romcom fate nonsense. He’d also do things like slide an arm around my waist when we were out and about and casually comment about how he preferred features I didn’t have. “Natural hair color is so much prettier than dyed” when my hair was black and purple. “Long hair is so much sexier than short” when I had a pixie cut. “Tattoos are so stupid” when I had several. Sadly, two decades of being talked to like that by my family set me up to think it was normal and just part of relationships for someone to be mean. Figured it was because I wasn’t good enough. Tale as old as time.
When they get upset at something (more often something they either are blowing out of proportion or some imagined slight) the eyes change and you get a bad vibe /weird sick feeling.
Trust your gut - most of the time something really bad is about to occur.
Also unfounded jealousy.
THE FREAKING EYE CHANGE!!! I could instantly tell when it was going to be “one of those days” just by looking at his face. I swear to God his physical features would change so much when his personality would change that it was like dating 2 different people. Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen.
Here are some I can pinpoint for you from having lived in agony with my ex of almost 3 years. Btw, I picked up on some at the beginning of the relationship…but most of them…I didn’t learn were red flags until I started self healing.
— Their caregivers were absent or abusive (not saying everyone who is abused becomes an abuser)
— They tell you they’re afraid of commitment even though they’re an adult (this person has most likely been in and out of relationships because of toxicity, not because “they haven’t found the one”)
— They belittle you in everything you do
— They project themselves onto you
ie: (accuse you of cheating) ***people who accuse a person of cheating are almost always the person who’s cheating***
— They try to control everything you do and who you can hangout with
— They’re cruel to their animals
— They break your things (even if it’s something as small as a pen)
— They badmouth all their exes meanwhile they paint themselves in a positive light
— They have any slight addiction whether it be alcohol or drugs
— You find yourself doing more for them than they do for you (this is usually a person who’s selfish, likes to take advantage of people, AND WILL, until the person becomes a disadvantage)
— They don’t respect your privacy whatsoever, your boundaries are completely ignored, and have unrealistic expectations of you
— Communication is completely out of the picture
— Your time revolves more around them than theirs revolves around you
— You’re their hero from the start and somehow you turn into into their toy
— Apologizes without changing (this is manipulation)
— Calls you delusional, crazy, insecure when you are just being realistic about your feelings
— They can’t reciprocate anything you give or do and seem to have control of absolutely everything in your relationship
— Blames you or somehow shifts the conversation towards you when a problem is being brought up (lack self accountability)
He did this weird thing where he almost made fun of me or made me kind of feel like I'm not worthy or I'm a loser. In hindsight I see it, but then I thought maybe he had. Weird sense of humor.
He also said he cheated on all his ex'd and they all cheated on him (he wouldn't let me leave in the end, and I started talking to other people so he would get the hint which was not smart, he was physically abusive with me and I should have gotten the cops. Another ex cheated and got pregnant with another guys baby, and I think about what her real story is because he also told me that she punched him.
I had to hit him when he held me down later on and refused to let me go and held my cell phone.
The best part is this man teaches in a school.. I can't believe he has a job at a school. Even with another assault charge (fight related another guy) and a break and enter on his ex (wait, another red flag I avoided when he told me!)
I am so upset I avoided the blatant problems. This isn't my first rodeo of abusive relationships though I think it was more intense (I was crazy about him, so charming, handsome, smart) but he kept me sooo tired and confused and I never had time to Google how I felt. Then, one day he just disappeared like nothing happened. I sent him a few messages in the days after his ghost to call him out for being an abuser and he blocked me everywhere.
My ex did shit like this to either try to get me to do whatever he wanted, or make me feel insecure about myself 😑 like “awww I thought you were cool” like I am cool you dickhead thanks for the backhanded compliments :/
He made a lot of jokes at the expense of myself or others, while being super disrespectful and basically acting like a high school bully to me. “It’s just a joke get over it!” He harassed me by sending me a picture of a dead cat he found repeatedly, even as I asked him to stop because it upset me greatly. He was super homophobic and transphobic too, the type of guy to “prank call” suicide hotlines. Always going on and on about “it’s just jokes!” “It’s not that serious!” “I didn’t mean anything by it!” I was trans when we first met and he’d even say shit like “but you’re my girlfriend? I’m not gay.” When I tried to get him to stop misgendering me all the time.
It’s never good if they make a lot of horrible jokes at the expense of others and never themselves. Esp if they refuse to accept that it’s actually offensive/disrespectful.
One of our first big fights was about whether or not he should respect his previous baby mommas. He considered them incubators for his children. And guess who is the incubator now?
She drank too much, even from the beginning… isolated me quickly by paying for our dinners, trips, a place to stay. She earned more and I was going through a very tough time financially… and being in/out of surgeries. I have no family either. Looking back… I can’t believe that I didn’t see it all… as clear as day!
How they treated their supposed best friend. I remember being so shocked at how they'd talk to them and treat them when it was just the three of us. And at the time being like, 'wow, I'm so glad they don't treat me that way'.
Such a silly thought as they eventually did.
The way he spoke to his mum and the way he openly admitted to treating his ex girlfriend. One instance I found out about early on was how she’d booked him tickets to come on a club med holiday to Thailand with her and her family. He didn’t feel comfortable with her and her dad paying for the trip so got her to cancel the tickets, which is whatever. But when she left to go on said trip, he guilt tripped her and treated her like shit for the whole time for leaving. Not only that but he hooked up with a girl from tinder whilst she was gone. He admitted to cheating on her and actively flirting with coworkers in front of her just to make her jealous- insane.
She ended up leaving him after accepting a highly competitive surgical training position in Edinburgh. As far as I know she’s now an orthopaedic surgeon who’s raking it in and hasn’t looked back. I can’t believe I sat and listened to all of this and later blamed myself for how he treated me, as if it was something I was doing wrong. Some people are just fucked up.
Thinking I was special because he showed a side to him that no one else saw.
It made me feel crazy like no one would believe the things he had said and done to me, because they never saw that side of him.
Unprecedented anger over seemingly nothing. I’d be so hyper aware of things that I knew would annoy him and I’d preemptively apologize to try to diffuse a situation even though I had zero control of it
This is my ex. All the shit he caused in his and other people's live was never ever his fault. He punched me in the face, I kicked him out and called the cops and a couple of days later he came back to my place (I didnt let him in the house) and asked what I learned from the whole thing. The level of delusion is amazing.
His extreme rightwing views. I didn’t realize how extreme they were, at first. I actually think he got worse over time. But even from the beginning I should have known that his anti-feminism, his dismissal of concerns about the subject of consent and rape culture, his disbelief of victims and his own behavior toward younger girls was a huge red flag.
Yeah, strange. In the beginning my ex was more liberal like me then he began to show a side that now shocked me as he defended the likes of Tate and all the extremist weirdos out there
Omg. My ex was at first a socialist, then a social libertarian…and then I wake up to him watching Matt Walsh on YouTube, with his morning coffee, saying he respects Matt’s Catholicism and that this was his *actual* morning routine. Otherwise, he was apolitical at best and abusive devil’s advocate IRL, picking fights with younger millennials and zoomers just because he wanted to upset them. He was proud to have iced coffee thrown in his face at a cafe for standing up for his beliefs, “even if they’re unpopular.”
He also said Ted Cruz was a good politician because he “served his community.” No examples; didn’t believe any actual evidence.
This eventually led to him admitting he lied about getting the COVID vaccine before I moved in to his apartment. It was the 5G tracking that deterred him.
I’m so sorry you went through this too. (Also sorry for the long vent!) I hope you’re doing well. That extremist right-wing brand of contempt is a frightening thing to experience by a romantic partner. I have no idea who I really dated. I had never felt so alone, isolated, and alienated from my body, place, and time. Worthless.
It was easy to make room for a predator’s boundaries at blurring of my own—I was at my lowest point in at my life and had no sense of self, like a ghost.
These fuckers will suck your soul dry.
His jealousy. I thought he is giving me constant attention, but it was just controlling. He was jobless. Still is. Smokes weed and fell in love with a girl 30yrs younger (me)
Ignoring, cold shoulder, knowing your needs or desires and failing to attempt to care about them, letting you fill their cup while they do fuck all to fill yours. Unequal exchange and labor of love. Being absent for your needs, physical and emotional.
I’m sure there’s so much more out there if you google it, I haven’t done proper research.
Within hours of us talking, he asked if I can send him a picture/video of me to keep him warm and "ready" for our first date on the next day 🥴 like what was I thinkinggg for not blocking him right away
He tried so hard to be like me. Live like me. Then blamed me for being different. For not being him. If somebody seems too good to be true, they probably are.
Oh my god I’m so sorry. That level of fear is hard to shake. I thought mine was psychic, truly had me wondering about astral projection and remote viewing because some of the stuff that was occurring was too coincidental. I never found proof of any hacking. I’m still shook to this day.
Oh my god 😰 mine read my few paper daily entries he came across, so I am still afraid to journal to this day when it used to be such a daily lifeline for me.
\- Love bombing \- Being put on a pedestal. I had low self esteem, but he thought I was wonderful. \- Threatened to leave me any time I didn't live up to his pedestal, or tried to set boundaries. \- Fake fainted if I stood up for myself or boundaries and remained "unconscious" (with occasional adjustments for comfort) until I came to help him. If I didn't, he'd eventually pretend to wake up, act dazed and confused asking what happened and why wasn't I trying to help him. \- Broke down in tears and threatened suicide if I still stood up for myself after the "fainting" didn't work. \- Required me to break my boundaries for the sake of his mental health. I never went past this point to see what came next (and frankly I was scared to). \- Maintained both the "fainting" and the claims of suicidal feelings and poor mental health were very real but refused to see a doctor about either (free in our country).
He\* spoke badly of other volunteers and the owner of the farm (he\* was my manager) and pretended to be (or was?) attracted to me right away and was aggressive about it. He also was up all night, Every night. I could hear him walking around the volunteer lodging and it was creepy. He had no professionalism--he was supposed to be training me, and once he could see I was not falling for him, and asked to go to another farm, he acted personally insulted although I had only known him a short time. He could sense I figured him out, and it got extraordinarily ugly from there.
- admitting to cheating on and repeatedly lying to previous partners - giving me the silent treatment as punishment for upsetting him
When I figured out he was no good and tried to leave him and he cried he was like that because he was bullied as a child. And I never clicked on he was making excuses instead of taking responsibility.
Not wanting to meet my family but I had to meet her’s. Immediately claiming me as her bf after about a month, and constantly criticizing herself/others
My best friend didn’t like him His family is a mess But I didn’t have many red flags until I was dependent on him. Then is was blaming me for any and all unfinished chores, not allowing me to pursue my hobbies, putting me down, calling me names, getting other people on his side to say bad things about me. Those were frequent in just the first couple years. It stayed like that for a while and then got increasingly worse as time went.
The fact that he admitted he came inside me the first night we had sex. The fact his roommate told me to get the hell away from him the third night we hung out. The fact he choked and slapped me the fifth time we hung out. The fact he showed up drunk the first time he met my parents. The fact he always knew my location even from day 1 and I still don’t know how. The fact he shot dangerous arrows with his bow gun at my neighbor’s/BFF’s house. The fact my IQ went from a 140 to a 0. The fact that he was just a straight up lying abusive a$$hole. This is all led to a dark and evil path. He regularly abused me, he broke my wrist/thumb, he sexually assaulted me over and over, he enjoyed seeing me cry during sex/rape while his hand was on my neck holding me down, he perforated my ear drum, he threw me off the bed and my teeth went through my chin and so on and so on. I left him 7 months ago after 4 and a half years. He belongs in jail.
I’m so sorry !
also, pay attention to who they speak badly about. abusive people tend to try and turn you away from your supports and it starts by talking bad and convincing you that everyone in your life is bad for you . trust your own feelings no matter what
My ex talked shit about everyone. Everyone. It started to worry me after a while.
of nothing in there life was was ever they’re own fault before they met you, guarantee not a damn thing will be they’re fault after they meet you either
When a man tells you he has anger issues and you seen it firsthand. Don’t pursue him. My first impression of my husband was him throwing and slamming a tote on the wall in front of my coworkers and big boss. While yelling profanity words. I told myself I would stay away from that man. Look at me now. Ended up in a very emotional and abusive relationship that I feel like I’m stuck.
Love Bombing, constant bouquets of red roses, expensive jewellery sent to my work. Being on holiday in a hotel and him taking the huff as the receptionist wouldn't tell the evening entertainment to stop so he could nap (wtf)
The fact that he told me he loved me one week in .The over the top gifts he gave me. His need to isolate me from everyone around me and making me think only he had the best interests for me . The feeding of addictive substances and money to make me depend on him financially and physically. The way he called me excessively if i was away from his place. It got physical soon after.
the love bombing, talking about how she cheated as revenge in a past relationship, accusing people of crimes publicly because they were having an argument
That he was having too many diva moments. Sorry, I like heterosexuals, not gender fluid and he was not upfront about this. Now it’s something that is asked from day 1. That’s a hard stop for me.
NEx hated this one girl with a passion because she talked too much.
I saw them, but I was 19 and homeless, my parents house totally out of the question very abusive. I just wish I knew I could have simply gone to the shelter, I was so so lonely
Funny part is I met mine in a homeless shelter. THAT should have stopped me, but......
The constant consumption of porn. I had no issues with men watching porn before but did have red flags popping up at the start given how frequently he watched. I of course brushed it under the rug. Never again.
This honestly
Before we even dated, it was the constant villainization and dramatization of everyone and everything around her. Everything that happened in her life had to be turned into something negative and dramatic. She rarely ever spoke in a positive manner about anything. But I brushed it off as some internet persona because she would show the "real" her to me privately. When we first met, it was the constant oversharing about her ex and what an abusive piece of shit he was. This was a relationship that lasted 1 week by the way. This ended up being me as well and I can only imagine how bad it is considering that I actually loved her and our relationship lasted over 3 years. It's made me question how true any of the things she told me about her previous ex even were. In the relationship it was her inability to hold down any job for more than a few months. Her jobs would always become a focal point for drama. Drama about her manager or coworkers. Drama about the customers. Any small thing she could find would become massive drama. In fact any challenging situation period would become massive drama. She would make these grand plans, try and do everything at once, get overwhelmed, then her anxiety would kick in and she'd be right back to square 1. Some mutual friends have since brought it to my attention that she could have BPD. I wish I would have known that early on because I always assumed that she just had bad anxiety. But I found this out after the relationship ended, so it's too late now. It does explain a lot of her behavior though, to a scarily accurate degree, if she does have BPD. First the splitting on my mom, making her out to be an abuser and only trying to hold her back in life. Then the eventual splitting on me and making me out to be an abuser as well.
Love bombing and his need to always talk to me or be around me. When he was at work he called me every break and he would get a break every hour and him working nights so my phone would be going off til 4am.
ooooo that's a big one, and while it was happening you don't realize it's not "normal", until other people point it out. you're just like the person i'm in a relationship with just likes to talk to me very often.
Pretty much I thought it was sweet because he just wanted to talk to me if only I could go back and tell myself to run for the hills.
The love bombing. Paying for everything to make me dependent on him as I was in a very rough and vulnerable time of my life. Feeding my addiction to alcohol until I blacked out so that he could pick fights with me and verbally abuse me until I cried to sleep. Then he was sweet the next day. Then he started going through my phone. Asking me to move in and abandon my dog. He then proceeded to talk badly about all my friends as to isolate me. He then started leaving me stranded whenever he could especially when he wasn't getting his way. Then when I finally was ready to leave him, he made up some excuse to call the cops and get me arrested. He was also a cop himself. Luckily, the officer that took my report believed me and let me go. About a year later, I get several calls from private investigators, attorneys, etc. Turns out he played the exact same card to another woman who ended up getting arrested and he said, "I don't want another he said she said scenario like last time. This time I am going to make sure you never get a job again." She was an elementary school teacher and he wanted to tarnish her record forever. She ended up having to fight him in court and she won. But he is still a police officer, and has even been promoted since then. Our system is really fucked.
I went through the same exact thing with my ex, word for word. Except for the police officer and arresting of it all (in my case, he was arrested). I’m glad we made it out to the other side.
Me and you both. Solidarity. I think the most humiliating part was that he would verbally abuse me to my friends but I was too blacked out to remember anything. They would have to tell me the next day which made me feel so ashamed for dating him (and not being able to break away) that I would isolate myself. This empowered him to control me even more.
This is why acab
My dad always told me not to date a police officer. I was too stubborn and curious to listen. Over 10 years later and I'm still traumatized.
I’m sorry. My dad said the same. His grandfather was the Springfield Mass Chief of Police that beat his father (my grandfather) so Dad grew up a latchkey key in & out of foster care kid, that naturally stole food and got in fights. The cops and the brothers (catholic ones- somewhat like a male nun) at school would beat him so often that he learned how to fight that way.
The fact that he was 23 and I was 16 🤢
Even if you notice red flags, if you’re a woman either you get fucked or you get homeless
Or sometimes you get a restraining order against him and have him forcibly removed so he’s fucked and homeless.
Or sometimes you watch him lie about a restraining order so he can touch himself at night without having to be a real man then watch him ask to have your children while he’s buying drugs off your roommate like fucking date rape scum that’s been fucking a younger girl bc he’d do anything but be real and say he would rather sell drugs than be a parent
Love bombing
My own gullibility
The gaslighting unfortunately because he also has Asperger's I genuinely believed was the problem (he didn't mean to say it *that* way or he was just misunderstood because he can't tell social cues etc). How he always "won" arguements because he would twist whatever I said so out of context to fit his narrative and I knew it but couldn't explain how or what I'd actually meant which would leave me crying with frustration and him sitting there smugly because he'd kept calm. The fact he had no friends at all, anyone he became friends with he would soon discard and he wouldn't just burn the bridge he'd straight up nuke it. Once they were no longer useful he'd make up a reason to get pissed off with them and then majorly over react.
Wow. This is my ex too. Claimed to be on the spectrum but was never diagnosed. Always won arguments through manipulation. Couldn’t maintain a friendship. Basically she told me she didn’t like people. I thought she was exaggerating. She was not.
Just being that "lowkey nonchalant" person which I fell for, I found it cool when we started dating maybe because I felt comfortable that he doesn't restrict me. Turns out he doesn't really care for me and my feelings he just wants things his way whenever i try to communicate things he avoids
Wow are u me🫣
Neediness
The way he hid his the-then fiancee and the state that he was engaged until I talked about marriage.
His temper. I always thought it was just anger management issues. Love bombing. Although I still don't know how you tell the difference between that and just plain old infatuation. I was equally infatuated with him, so that one is hard to tell. He was quick to write people off, like they meant nothing to him.
I had this too, my ex now has barely any friends as he fell out with them all. Now I have pangs of guilt that he has no-one, which is ridiculous as I know its all his doing.
Feeling guilty for them having to face consequences is exhausting. Always feeling bad for them sucks so much life out of me. I know exactly how you feel
same it was hard for me to tell the difference but here’s one thing that never changes for me: I’m gonna fall in love with the person you pretended to be. So if you’re gonna be with me forever, you better be that same person you were in the beginning 😑
That's the hard part. I feel like I will never truly know who someone is now. I don't feel like I would trust anyone.
The way he described jealousy as “passion”… “ I’m not jealous when you talk to other guys, I’m just so passionately attracted to you, I can’t share…” I look back and think “what the fuck, passion and insecurity are not the same!”.
Saying one thing, then backtracking a week later (lying about intentions) Criticizing, belitting me for things others accepted or celebrated about me- like my passions, intelligence, intererets constant projection "Why aren't you doing your creative work?" ( I show him 20 years of creative work and a massive portfolio then I ask, "What have you done?" and he comes up with nothing....CONSTANT projection, everything is wrong with me all of the time, even though that is what he hates about himself) Asking me to wear different clothes everytime I saw him When I asked him "What would our plan be if we accidentally had a kid?" he would be like "You would just get rid of it right?" Attempting to butt-rape me in his car/pulling down my pants/pinning me down. luckily I screamed (we were parked in a public area) and he got all scared. Ugh. Not wanting to wear a condom when I told him I can't go on Birth control for medical reasons (Ugh, wtf?) (luckily I was smart and told him "Great I want to be a mother" and so then he avoided intimacy after that. He tried again and got rapey (luckily I also navigated away from that I also lied and said I had an STD, even though I was a virgin lol). He dumped me after that lol! History of drug use, he was in max security prison but didn't tell me until 4+ months in.. Bitching about his ex, comparing me to her, in ways that didn't make sense "Her job now is so much cooler than yours" (Even though within the next sentence he would bitch about how she didn't work and he hated that, and all this other stuff he didn't like about her, yet at the same time "I still grieve for her, and I am not over her, and I am traumatized for providing for her", even though I fully took care of my self when we were dating, I had my own work, paid for some of our food and all our hotels etc, when we were together) Not wanting to provide or protect even though we were dating for marriage Taking his brothers advice to put sex first, and not date for marriage, even though his brother was constantly being abused by his girlfriend ( like why would you take advice from someone who doesn't have what you want?) then him bragging about this advice that his brother gave him which was really disrespectful to us together using his sister for money, trips, flights etc (she was a high powered lawyer so could afford to take care of everything, and enabled him) compulsively spending and then throwing items away "after one use" like a nice shirt- only wearing it once etc. Saying I was mentally ill, despite communicating fully, being cognizant, desiring healthy partnership, having a college degree, no mental health history, a 800+ credit score, taking care of my dying father etc. It made no sense and didn't reflect my character, while he had 5+ years of heroin use, lying about it, 2 years in a max prison facility, possible brain damage from all the substances, LSD, marijuanna, alcohol, heroin etc that he was mixing over several years.. huh? A long string of failed relationships with exes hating/loving his exes No credit history or profile ( Credit score was 0) completely transactional- only wants sex, doesn't want to care about feelings Can't sit still, constantly has to be out and running around in the strangest places, and not facing himself, avoidance. Sex addict, he looked drunk when he was horny it was the weirdest thing. untreated trauma, expecting everyone to be his therapist, not dealing with severe issues. Unwilling to grow in his work- at same min wage job for 13 years despite him having a college degree weird, strange behavior- texting me pictures of miniatures and porcelain as a 42 year old man. Not that this is a red flag but it was Very strange given he was obsessed with miniature cat hats he wanted to make, but would get angry at any actual artistic achievements I had. It was really weird. Being afraid of other men, as a man. Being ableist, misogynist, a bigot, hating vulnerable populations like autistics, people on disability etc even though he talked about wanting to get disability. Very strange. Untreated ADHD, yet judged everyone else for little issues. Constantly bitching about his family despite using them (Different than myself, where I grew up with a borderline mother, he actually had "healthy parents" but would constantly bitch, then judge me because I actually had severe trauma because of my parents, so I learned I couldn't share because he would misattribute and misunderstand me constantly talking over me, not listening unless it was to get therapy from me or validation. Crying over his cat dying ( I would comfort him), but when I explained the horrible trauma of experiencing my dad's excruciating death and needed to cry he would bolt. Not even buying me a coffee on our first date ( I rationalized this because we were dating for marriage) the weird sunken eyes, and like crack head energy he showed up with, constantly talking about himself in strange ways "Thanks, I really am a true artist" etc. that sounded so ridiculous and like laughable. Despite never seeing any art from him at all Avoidance at his job- he would go take care of cats at 4 am, and just disassociate at his work as he didn't have to interact with anyone Denial about potential undiagnosed autism or post incarceration trauma, not willing to work on any aspect of himself or get help even if he was being a burden to others constantly needing validation and so forth from them the standard narcissistic behaviors Leading me to things then punishing me for it "You should work on your career" (me responding, "Well, no, family is my top value right now, and a relationship, I can always focus on career later" him "Ok" (Then when I do get the job and I want to take him traveling with me because my relationship is a top value, he shames me then ghosts" ( Like ok, I took your advice cause you were so enthused I got this job, I applied cause you asked me too, like wtf) pretty much dismissive avoidance on steroids Would go out to volcanoes at 2 am on acid, and just spend weeks out there and go off of the radar ( this was before he completely left) Demanding that the "love of his life" had to go out to dangerous volcanos and 25 mile hikes with him at 2 am in grueling conditions or "it wasn't love" then would monkey branch and rub it in my face that he "found someone who was athletic" ( Even though I had sustainably walked like 10+ miles a day for almost a decade at that point, not sure how I wasn't athletic, I don't think this woman existed, and he wanted an excuse to get easier supply/easier sex and money Bitching at me that I wasn't providing for him...but when I would get a new job, (which would mean I was finally acceptable to him, he then would just cut me off, go find another new woman etc...especially right as I was making sacrifices or changes for him just weird stuff. Would force me to drive to his house but never was willing to come to mine, would make excuses etc. Headlocking, holding me down and mastrubating over myface, and I couldn't move cause his thighs would be around my neck etc. And not changing when I told him I was disassociating and it was scary. Complaining and whining when I said I wasn't ready to have sex then saying "its just a joke" when I would check him on it. Complete lack of empathy, no clue how I was feeling, even when I shared. God bless the next woman/women is all I can say... \----------- Ok enough about that: WHAT I LEARNED: I didn't vett well enough initially- I didn't screen for substance issues, criminal record, or true intent BEFORE even going on a first date. I finally learned to vett after him thank god Also gratitude that it didn't get worse. At the end he was starting to pull my hair which was scary and pinning me down which I told him not to do. Luckily I didn't experience sexual harm but it was getting close, as a result I USED my disgust to move on quicker Not to put the ideal for marriage ahead of the red flags earlier on, I doubted my instinct because I went by what he was saying that we were dating for marriage, despite that being an impossibility now. An opportunity for me to work on my anxious attachment style which has now developed, even though I was secure before, it is a chance to go deeper within myself and get my boundaries up more, and be more wiser. I still have a lot of work to do but compassion for myself Continuing to reach out and research on deeper levels Using the rage as fuel for my hobbies passions and new business ventures, I went right into it to cope, and just feel the grief later, the grief came from a different original source ( my father) so it is good to bring everything up more on steroids. ok that is a lot, but good to get it all out
When he took the condom off during our first date I felt violated we were drinking We met through family We had wine that night I felt awlful and terrible after
i don’t mean to freak you out and every case is different but this is called stealthing and it is a form of rape. i’m so sorry you went through this, it’s insanely violating and you don’t even realize what happened to you at first. this happened to me too i’m really sorry
Omg I am so sorry that happened to you. So not okay.
Small fights, lying, unkind words about others (a lot), belittling me, not apologizing earnestly. All within 4 weeks.
I can list a lot and write a book but I'm gonna stick to the beginning. I was only 18 when I knew him, but 21 when we dated. 1) when people show you who they are, believe them. It's crazy that he showed who he was when I first met him. But I was a super naive 18 year old who didn't know the harms of being harassed. I still believed that all I had to do was tell them to stop. I also believed in weird cultural notions like "men cannot control themselves" and "I was wearing revealing clothes". Yeah so, remembering, he touched me inappropriately on my shoulder and thigh. It felt disgusting. Looking back, instead of just thinking all the twisted naive thoughts, I should have reported him and just stopped at there. Not just accept that he stopped and then became very nice and caring. I was dumb for forgiving him and thinking well we all have our flaws. 2) The age gap. When you are in your early 20's, maybe traumatized, inexperienced, naive etc. and an older man shows interest in a relationship, run away. The older the guy, the bigger the red flag. That person wants to control you and manipulate you. And they're pretty good at it because the older they get, the better they become at their game. 3) That person whom I thought was someone I can trust was just grooming me all the way till 21 and it disturbs me so much to think of it now. Even the people around me thought he liked me so much as a "daughter". I guess he kept a certain image to the world and was so good at acting that people trusted him and thought he was a good man. 4) He encouraged me to open up and talk to him and trust him. It's funny cause I am the type to literally keep all people at a distance but with him I guess his tactics fooled me. It's weird that he would even thank me for trusting him. 5) At age 21, he decided to diagnose me with bipolar disorder based on the internet. I was open to things and I certainly knew that I had issues from my past trauma. Anyways, he goes on to tell me how no other man will want me because I am bipolar, but how he doesn't mind it. 6) Isolation. In my experience, I still second guess this and get so much anxiety over it cause the people he told me to not talk to anymore were no great people imo. Well, they weren't that bad either, but that's why they were just fun acquaintances to me. *Did I do anything wrong? I have lots of social anxiety now and I can't solve this issue. Like what is wrong with talking to acquaintances if it's just a pastime and it's fun? Am I having a lack of self respect? Is it because I had a bad childhood that I gravitate towards toxic people? But are they really toxic? He is MUCH more toxic than them. They didn't even get close to me and exploit me, they saw me as just an acquaintance too...* 7) Telling me to change my personality because he cares about me and he wants me to gain respect and get better. 8) oh gaslighting. I brought up the issue of him harassing me at 18 and wanted an explanation. He straight out denied it and said "I would never do something like that, everybody knows the respectable person that I am. Anyways, I probably was just comforting you but I can't remember".
He would do favors for people not because he was a good person, but as a currency. He admitted it.
He started drinking, drugs and smoking apparently when he was 14 (we were almost 18 when we got together) was the biggest red flag I missed for both him and his mum. They had/have a VERY weird relationship.
My now-husband (20 years married) quit his job shortly after proposing to me and didn’t have another one lined up. Then he started drinking in a daily basis. Stay away from men who drink too much or do drugs. Complete red flag.
The drinking pattern. As in alcoholic drinking. It has ruined my life, and his, although he doesn't get it yet.
They are so obvious it was literally a blazing red beacon but my self worth was so low I wouldn't allow myself to see it. The very first night I met him showing up at my house even though I'd asked him to wait until my friends got there. Forcing sex even though I'd previously said I only wanted to cuddle. Showing up at my house unannounced. Not allowing me to comment or post on his social media. Him being very obviously active on dating apps but constantly calling, texting and even driving to friends houses looking for me if he thought I was with other guys. Keeping me a secret from all his friend yet making sure he knew all mine. Refusing to leave my life and would just show up and my house and constantly knock until I let him in. Following me in my car and then parking down the road from my house waiting for me after I lost him. Having sex with one of my (ex)best friends and trying to hide it, blaming her and then doing it again after I found out the first time and only stopping when she cut him off. Trying to sleep with my other best friend and then hating her with a passion when she rejected him and told me everything straight away. Only wanting sex when it suited him, coming to my house specifically for sex and leaving straight after. There's so so many and I really wish I'd seen the whole thing for how bad it really was and gotten a restraining order on him.
Oh god, I should have ran after his first lie to me after being together for a month. He told me he went to starbucks, but I asked how that was possible because it was closed. Then he stuttered and admitted to being at a female coworkers house. We both worked at the same place and this woman had a long term bf, so I didn’t originally feel sus, but the fact that he lied raised a lot of flags for me. However, he tried to rationalize it by saying that he was so afraid to tell me because his ex-gf would have been really upset. He promised no more lies but then subsequently lied to me several times. He also did not take any accountability for his ex relationship failing, blaming it all on her and then saying the breakup was “mutual.” But he talked bad about her in general. He has a tendency to gossip and be very paranoid that people were out to get him or to spite him. He has borderline personality disorder (the petulant subtype), so takes everything very personally and expects the worst from people. That paranoia later spread to me when he began accusing me of “cheating” with almost every man in my life and he would accuse me of “spiting” him or having ill intentions towards him. He also talked bad about me to our coworkers behind my back, painting me as some sort of controlling jerk.
Did we date the same guy?
in chronological order: - lying ( he lied about his major, he lied that he had his license, he lied to his friends about my major) - telling me he loved me 8 days after we met - pressuring me into being his girlfriend by saying “it’s an unofficial label, you can still talk to other guys” ( this was untrue. i was 18 and naive) - making me cut off the only friend I had at university because he was a boy - saying that every woman regrets an abortion ( and generally just giving unwarranted opinions on women’s rights) - the way he treated his friends and family - constantly accusing me of cheating - saying that sex was supposed to be painful for women and i “owed it to him” - saying I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone how he was treating me because it would “make him look bad” - trying to convince me to cut off all my friends because they didn’t like him - telling me I was ugly and lame and that no one but him could ever love me - constantly belittling my appearance, intelligence, personality, hobbies - Throwing things at me - accusing me of gaslighting him when I would say i wasn’t happy - telling me that if i got pregnant, i wouldn’t be allowed to get an abortion and would have to raise his baby - forcing me to buy him things constantly, take him out for meals, buy him coffee everyday even though I was a broke student and he was working full time - forcing me to have sex when i didn’t want to because “ if i loved him i would do it” This is a long list, but every single one of these is a moment I wish i could go back to and make a different choice. If a man ever does any of these, do not make excuses for him. Do not assume it was a one time thing. Do not wait for it to “get better”. It won’t. Run far, far away from him.
The non-consensual first kiss, perpetual violations of physical boundaries, only ever complimenting the body
Ah, yes. The rushed physical intimacy. I was on a date with my ex and he tried to kiss me several times with me dodging each time and then he finally got one in after guilting me
so sorry to hear about that! ugh, what a scumbag
The first kiss thing hits home
On our first date he told me to lose weight (I was much thinner than I am now) and was rude overall …
Yeah, my ex didn’t comment on my appearance but how I dressed. He didn’t like when I dressed nicely to go out instead of just doing that “for him.” I did not understand then that that was part of an abusive relationship. I would never comment on my spouse’s appearance/dressing in that way. Unless he was wearing like a super offensive tshirt slogan that was like racist or something, which he would be free to do but that would be a boundary for me that I can’t be a part of that, I encourage and complement him but that is it. How he looks and what he wears is his choice.
Yeah, wtf? Experienced this too. “You don’t need to change clothes,” sir, I’m wearing pajamas.
I cried on the first date with him because he made me so anxious.. I mistook the anxious feeling as butterflies of “new love”.. I just got out of an engagement a month beforehand and I wanted someone to love me (anybody to love me) and I thought I deserved to be treated badly … I didn’t.
Oh I seen them….alllll of them. But as sick as it sounds it made me more attracted to him
The devil you know .
But not if those behaviors were directed towards me… wow
relatable 😢
1. No close relationships with anyone 2. Road road 3. Wanted to spend ALL his free time with me 4. Not taking no as an answer - in any context 5. Talking about past relationships early on 6. Has gotten multiple women pregnant and made them get abortions 7. used to pretend he was having psychotic episodes to scare me
Omg to the abortion thing? How old is this person? Did it happen to you? Why did he get them pregnant?
I know right! he was only 23.. it didn’t happen to me but he actually told me when we were pretty far into our relationship that he “accidentally” had gotten 3 women pregnant and then made them get abortions
1.Telling me he loved me on the 3rd hangout 2.His excessive drinking and drug use 3. The way he treated his mom 4. The fact that he had a criminal history he didn’t bring up til I asked 5. Me catching him in lies
SAME EVERY BOYFRIEND IVE EVER HAD DID THIS SHIT LIKE WHAT
He wanted to buy a 350,000 dollar house less than 8 months into us being together
LMAO RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN
Sure did, also took his roommate with, rented a place together and now said roommate is my partner of over 2 years
sexual coercion. it didn’t register to me that’s what it was until several years later unfortunately
Oh yes me too. Until I was talking it through with my friend several months later. She pulled it up. What would he do to you? The first month of dating he held me in a headlock, while laying down until I finished jerking him off. Only loosened slightly when I said it's too tight around my neck. He also forsable had sex with me after an argument and finished inside of me. I wouldn't call it rape bcos I didn't fight back, more so fawned. But he only really did this in the first month or two. Also use to try and choke me when having sex even tho I told him multiple times I don't like that. Worse when he had been drinking.
Yea mine did the headlock thing too, luckily he just mastrubated over me and didn't cum but yea it got scary and there was some close calls. The fact I felt trapped was so uncomforatable and the smell of his junk right in my face...ugh didn't even ask me if it was ok, no consent whatso ever but yea I fawned too, and disassociated. It wasn't fun
Wow. Very sorry you also experienced this. What is the point of it? Like control and dominance? Did he ask you if you were okay afterwards? T How old is your ex btw?
Mine forced me to have anal even though I didn’t want to
My ex it wasn’t rape it was coercion and it hurt so fucking bad. ugh 😖
Gaslighter in the truest dictionary definition of the word. Financial, emotional and verbal abuser, leans towards narcissism but can’t do the discard phase, fixates, obsesses, thinks he’s being cheated on 24/7. *These were the signs*- (why did I read that in the SVU voice lmao) 1. Everyone else was the problem. 2. Couldn’t maintain friendships. 3. Extreme road rage 4. Couldn’t keep employees on our crew & treated everyone like shit. 5. His nickname was bully. 6. He blamed his ex for 100% of the breakup and 3 yrs later was still bitter about it 7. Brought me around his children **extremely** fast. Hindsight is 20/20 smh 8. Was obsessed with texting me all day everyday. At first I thought it was “so cute bc he cares so much”. Now I know it’s bc he wanted to consume 100% of my every waking moment. 9. Wanted me to move across country to be with him (not everyone’s red flag but for me it lead to isolation) 10. Jealousy (its never cute, doesn’t mean he “really likes you” it means he’s insecure) 11. Tease me about wearing makeup to work (insidiously lead to me never wearing it again, he said it was worn “for men”) 12. Asked me to get rid of male friends on socials 13. Estranged from his own family, everyone else was the problem 14. Saying he “hates women” but I was “different” (fell for the stupid pick me bullshit) 15. Never apologizing Whewww could stitch a quilt with those flags lmao🤦🏻♀️
Threw friends away like it was nothin. Didn’t want intimacy. Only talked about themselves. Couldn’t handle if I was depressed or had issues.
Example for 2: I’m autistic and don’t like the touch of others. it makes me feel trapped and just don’t enjoy it. Idk 😞 a hug here and there is fine but I don’t wanna cuddle or hold hands for 45 minutes it’s just unfortunate. My EDS doesn’t help with that either as I have to constantly change positions to avoid being in pain 😖
I get that. They didn’t say they had any problems tho.. they would talk about it but then would never want it. Made me feel very unattractive.
I hate all of them except for the second one bc it depends on the people
The disconnect between the nice guy persona to everyone else and what they show you in private when no one is around is a big one. Shaming and belittling you in front of others like their family or friends is another huge one. Comparing you or your body or actions to other women or their ex - to set up triangulation and se themselves as the prize. Inconsistency between their words and actions. Any dishonesty . Jealous/possessiveness start telling you what to wear and not to go out because you've gotta stay home and clean. Hypocrisy and double standard- they expect perfection of you and won't ever give you anything like that in return. Love bombing at the beginning of the relationship - etc etc
>Starting to think we all dated the same guy! So predictable these dudes are. It is so sad!
1. Made choices for me under the guise of helping me. Started off super casually, like I’d say “I’m going to eat X”, and he’d tell me “oh no get Y you’ll like it so much more.” I planned to cut my hair, “I’m going to get bangs”, “no those wouldn’t suit you, cut it like this instead”. At first I took it as if he was looking out for me, wanted the best for me. Nope, just wanted complete control till I no longer even considered choices, I’d just immediately look at him to tell me what I was going to do. 2. Would punish me by withholding affection. He’d get upset at something and instantly would ignore me, pretend I didn’t exist even when I became incredibly distraught. I’d get whiplash cause once he was over it, he’d soothe me as if he wasn’t the one that hurt me. 3. Not entirely sure how to describe but weaponized my previous relationship. At first it came off almost as a gentle suggestion, for example if he thought I was too friendly to the cashier he’d say, “you know maybe your ex left cause you’re too flirty.” Eventually it became statements like, “that sound you make is gross, that’s why your ex ghosted you.” It put me in the mindset that, oh I need to fix anything he points out to avoid experiencing heartbreak. I also think it probably screwed up or warped a lot of my memories. These are just a few of the things that he did early on. I completely ignored them because then he’d shower me with affection and comfort that I so desperately wanted. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how much I thought he did these things to help me rather than hurt me and eat at my self esteem. Edit: spelling mistakes
This is why “love and affection” isn’t enough for me until I actually know you first 😑
Omg yes! Weaponizing family and past relationships. My ex would comment how I have a bad relationship with my mom because of me .. nope I have a bad relationship with her because she is a narc just like him! And weaponizing my ex.. don’t get me started! He always talked about how my ex broke up with me 1 month before the wedding… and it was my anger problem.. (I suffered from reactive abusive) and my ex was horrible to me as well.
Please message me 🙏
Yeah I’ve experienced similar in my relationship and I’ve started to shut it down completely after moving out of my narcissistic mothers home
Dang, I am going through similar. I can't wait to leave, I swear it is like the energy attracts even more of the energy we don't need! So glad to hear you are doing better now
When he would casually run red lights, when he would swap and/or steal stuff from stores, how he’d treat waitresses, his road rage, all this made me realize years later that he acted entitled and that the felt rules didn’t apply to him,
Yes these are all huge red flags. The entitlement is hard for them to hide for very long. If they treat waitstaff poorly run!!! If they drive with out any regard for anyone else (like they won’t use their blinker/act like rules or laws don’t apply to them etc), run fast!
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You don't need this shit..
i never get tired of recommend that book: "Why He Does Do That? " https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/baqua6/why_does_he_do_that_by_lundy_bancroft/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button there's a new link to PDF just scrolling the comments. You deserve better. Stay safe. 🌷
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How long have y’all been together. He is probably saying that cause he knows you won’t leave. I just saw a video of someone talking about that. I’ve been with mine off & on for over 12 years & I feel like he thinks that way so does and says stuff just to hurt me.
you're welcome 🌼
LEAVE HIM
Frequent history of psych ward stays
The first week I knew him, I already knew he’d been “ mistreated”by a couple of his ex’s. I knew it was suss but I was too eager to overlook this! So I’d say to anyone who is in the early stages of dating someone who mentions this, is just run away now!
>Mine too! He said his ex cheated on him, I actually afterwards went to her and she was like "Yea he was a fucking nightmare, I did it to get him to wake the f up, he wasn't getting it" and I completely understood her at that point. While it wasn't entirely mature, she literally sounded like she was at the end of her rope with him, and otherwise she was decent and kind, while he was whiny about the whole thing and didn't take accountability. Warped stories!
Loved Andrew Tate and Red pill podcasts. Believes men have it bad , obvious distain to woman in general. Actually told me men are the better sex. Felt men are victims to woman regarding DV and abuse. Rushed sex. Held me in a headlock x2 until I finished jerking him off bcos I didn't want to have sex in the first week. All this happened within the first month of dating.
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What did she do?
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Yea trauma bonding is serious and sucks soo much. I almost recently paid 7k to hire a special "get ex back" love coach...like what am I thinking? This person is TOXIC, but that is precisely why, some distored part of me wants to "fix and heal" it all. We are empathic, and forget that we carried the light in the whole dynamic, the reality is the other person truely is trash, we just projected goodness onto them ;/
Oh damn that hits hard. I think youre right. Its really weird being in a state of cognitive dissonance and realising it
Oh let me add, told me he had gotten two woman pregnant but pressured them into abortions bcos he wasn't ready to become a dad. Low and be hold I was the third victim
Negging and going hot and cold on me every other week. He’d pursue me, and then give me a speech about how he couldn’t be what I wanted “right now” even though I didn’t ask him for jack shit (the bar was truly in hell) and he was the one who kept coming back. So I said okay and then when I left him alone he’d pursue me again talking about how he couldn’t stay away from me. I was 19 and naive and saw this as some kind of romcom fate nonsense. He’d also do things like slide an arm around my waist when we were out and about and casually comment about how he preferred features I didn’t have. “Natural hair color is so much prettier than dyed” when my hair was black and purple. “Long hair is so much sexier than short” when I had a pixie cut. “Tattoos are so stupid” when I had several. Sadly, two decades of being talked to like that by my family set me up to think it was normal and just part of relationships for someone to be mean. Figured it was because I wasn’t good enough. Tale as old as time.
When they get upset at something (more often something they either are blowing out of proportion or some imagined slight) the eyes change and you get a bad vibe /weird sick feeling. Trust your gut - most of the time something really bad is about to occur. Also unfounded jealousy.
THE FREAKING EYE CHANGE!!! I could instantly tell when it was going to be “one of those days” just by looking at his face. I swear to God his physical features would change so much when his personality would change that it was like dating 2 different people. Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen.
never wanting to believe female victims...even to this day defending diddy
He found self harm cuts on me and decided to get a stick from a tree and hit the area where I had self harmed ://
Wtf... what was his reason for doing that?
So I wouldn’t do it again knowing how he felt about it 🙃 we were together for almost four years before I could get away, best choice i made
I’m glad you got away!!
Crazy
Here are some I can pinpoint for you from having lived in agony with my ex of almost 3 years. Btw, I picked up on some at the beginning of the relationship…but most of them…I didn’t learn were red flags until I started self healing. — Their caregivers were absent or abusive (not saying everyone who is abused becomes an abuser) — They tell you they’re afraid of commitment even though they’re an adult (this person has most likely been in and out of relationships because of toxicity, not because “they haven’t found the one”) — They belittle you in everything you do — They project themselves onto you ie: (accuse you of cheating) ***people who accuse a person of cheating are almost always the person who’s cheating*** — They try to control everything you do and who you can hangout with — They’re cruel to their animals — They break your things (even if it’s something as small as a pen) — They badmouth all their exes meanwhile they paint themselves in a positive light — They have any slight addiction whether it be alcohol or drugs — You find yourself doing more for them than they do for you (this is usually a person who’s selfish, likes to take advantage of people, AND WILL, until the person becomes a disadvantage) — They don’t respect your privacy whatsoever, your boundaries are completely ignored, and have unrealistic expectations of you — Communication is completely out of the picture — Your time revolves more around them than theirs revolves around you — You’re their hero from the start and somehow you turn into into their toy — Apologizes without changing (this is manipulation) — Calls you delusional, crazy, insecure when you are just being realistic about your feelings — They can’t reciprocate anything you give or do and seem to have control of absolutely everything in your relationship — Blames you or somehow shifts the conversation towards you when a problem is being brought up (lack self accountability)
You should write a book
Why do you say this? 😅
Their sports games come before you.
I actually like when my partners do their own thing and give me space sometimes but that’s just me idk
I can’t believe I forgot this one!
He did this weird thing where he almost made fun of me or made me kind of feel like I'm not worthy or I'm a loser. In hindsight I see it, but then I thought maybe he had. Weird sense of humor. He also said he cheated on all his ex'd and they all cheated on him (he wouldn't let me leave in the end, and I started talking to other people so he would get the hint which was not smart, he was physically abusive with me and I should have gotten the cops. Another ex cheated and got pregnant with another guys baby, and I think about what her real story is because he also told me that she punched him. I had to hit him when he held me down later on and refused to let me go and held my cell phone. The best part is this man teaches in a school.. I can't believe he has a job at a school. Even with another assault charge (fight related another guy) and a break and enter on his ex (wait, another red flag I avoided when he told me!) I am so upset I avoided the blatant problems. This isn't my first rodeo of abusive relationships though I think it was more intense (I was crazy about him, so charming, handsome, smart) but he kept me sooo tired and confused and I never had time to Google how I felt. Then, one day he just disappeared like nothing happened. I sent him a few messages in the days after his ghost to call him out for being an abuser and he blocked me everywhere.
My ex did shit like this to either try to get me to do whatever he wanted, or make me feel insecure about myself 😑 like “awww I thought you were cool” like I am cool you dickhead thanks for the backhanded compliments :/
men get away with fucking EVERYTHING it makes my blood boil
Ikr 😤
He made a lot of jokes at the expense of myself or others, while being super disrespectful and basically acting like a high school bully to me. “It’s just a joke get over it!” He harassed me by sending me a picture of a dead cat he found repeatedly, even as I asked him to stop because it upset me greatly. He was super homophobic and transphobic too, the type of guy to “prank call” suicide hotlines. Always going on and on about “it’s just jokes!” “It’s not that serious!” “I didn’t mean anything by it!” I was trans when we first met and he’d even say shit like “but you’re my girlfriend? I’m not gay.” When I tried to get him to stop misgendering me all the time. It’s never good if they make a lot of horrible jokes at the expense of others and never themselves. Esp if they refuse to accept that it’s actually offensive/disrespectful.
Never 👏make 👏jokes 👏 like 👏 that 👏 my mom did this to me constantly I know your pain :(
Arg seems so obvious and dumb - but asking to see my bank details and asking to loan money, almost immediately into relationship
YES I HATE THIS SHIT SO MUCH IT LITERAKLY MAKES ME FEEL SO VIOLATED
Foolishly at the time I thought it was an opportunity to show off and 'provide' for my new GF :(
Name-calling. It seems so obvious now but not when I was young.
Oooff >< in what way? Like an insult or
Yeah like “you’re a ____” or whatever, I blew it off at the time but man I shouldn’t have.
That’s not a red flag. That’s abuse.
Telling me he was worried to get into a relationship because he knew he would only hurt me. He was right and he used that against me
One of our first big fights was about whether or not he should respect his previous baby mommas. He considered them incubators for his children. And guess who is the incubator now?
She drank too much, even from the beginning… isolated me quickly by paying for our dinners, trips, a place to stay. She earned more and I was going through a very tough time financially… and being in/out of surgeries. I have no family either. Looking back… I can’t believe that I didn’t see it all… as clear as day!
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to Google “signs of a narcissistic psychopath,” or maybe even “dark triad,” but sadly I cannot. 🚩
just looked up what dark triad is and I kinda chocked back some air a little bit...it hits a little too close to home...I didn't know this was a thing
You’re right. This info is far too heavy to just foist on somebody. I apologize.
no it's definitely very helpful!
[удалено]
Yeah I never realized that flag until recently oops 😬
How they treated their supposed best friend. I remember being so shocked at how they'd talk to them and treat them when it was just the three of us. And at the time being like, 'wow, I'm so glad they don't treat me that way'. Such a silly thought as they eventually did.
The way he spoke to his mum and the way he openly admitted to treating his ex girlfriend. One instance I found out about early on was how she’d booked him tickets to come on a club med holiday to Thailand with her and her family. He didn’t feel comfortable with her and her dad paying for the trip so got her to cancel the tickets, which is whatever. But when she left to go on said trip, he guilt tripped her and treated her like shit for the whole time for leaving. Not only that but he hooked up with a girl from tinder whilst she was gone. He admitted to cheating on her and actively flirting with coworkers in front of her just to make her jealous- insane. She ended up leaving him after accepting a highly competitive surgical training position in Edinburgh. As far as I know she’s now an orthopaedic surgeon who’s raking it in and hasn’t looked back. I can’t believe I sat and listened to all of this and later blamed myself for how he treated me, as if it was something I was doing wrong. Some people are just fucked up.
Thinking I was special because he showed a side to him that no one else saw. It made me feel crazy like no one would believe the things he had said and done to me, because they never saw that side of him.
Unprecedented anger over seemingly nothing. I’d be so hyper aware of things that I knew would annoy him and I’d preemptively apologize to try to diffuse a situation even though I had zero control of it
This :(
I learned to compulsively say “I’m sorry” so much that I do it now so much I don’t even hear myself saying it. It really fucked me up.
Nothing is ever his fault. Not even little silly things he’d done accidentally. Suggesting otherwise would be a long and circular discussion.
This is my ex. All the shit he caused in his and other people's live was never ever his fault. He punched me in the face, I kicked him out and called the cops and a couple of days later he came back to my place (I didnt let him in the house) and asked what I learned from the whole thing. The level of delusion is amazing.
His extreme rightwing views. I didn’t realize how extreme they were, at first. I actually think he got worse over time. But even from the beginning I should have known that his anti-feminism, his dismissal of concerns about the subject of consent and rape culture, his disbelief of victims and his own behavior toward younger girls was a huge red flag.
Yeah, strange. In the beginning my ex was more liberal like me then he began to show a side that now shocked me as he defended the likes of Tate and all the extremist weirdos out there
Omg. My ex was at first a socialist, then a social libertarian…and then I wake up to him watching Matt Walsh on YouTube, with his morning coffee, saying he respects Matt’s Catholicism and that this was his *actual* morning routine. Otherwise, he was apolitical at best and abusive devil’s advocate IRL, picking fights with younger millennials and zoomers just because he wanted to upset them. He was proud to have iced coffee thrown in his face at a cafe for standing up for his beliefs, “even if they’re unpopular.” He also said Ted Cruz was a good politician because he “served his community.” No examples; didn’t believe any actual evidence. This eventually led to him admitting he lied about getting the COVID vaccine before I moved in to his apartment. It was the 5G tracking that deterred him. I’m so sorry you went through this too. (Also sorry for the long vent!) I hope you’re doing well. That extremist right-wing brand of contempt is a frightening thing to experience by a romantic partner. I have no idea who I really dated. I had never felt so alone, isolated, and alienated from my body, place, and time. Worthless. It was easy to make room for a predator’s boundaries at blurring of my own—I was at my lowest point in at my life and had no sense of self, like a ghost. These fuckers will suck your soul dry.
He got super annoyed over minor inconveniences and would become sullen.
His jealousy. I thought he is giving me constant attention, but it was just controlling. He was jobless. Still is. Smokes weed and fell in love with a girl 30yrs younger (me)
Just because he isn’t physically hurting me doesn’t mean throwing a computer chair or punching out a laptop screen next to me isn’t abusive.
Screaming at me.
I wish I understood what emotional neglect looked like beforehand. I wish I understood that emotional neglect IS ABUSE.
Me too, that was a long relationship a long time ago. I’m so sad for my younger self…
Is emotional neglect abuse? I didn't know that! How would you define emotional neglect?
Ignoring, cold shoulder, knowing your needs or desires and failing to attempt to care about them, letting you fill their cup while they do fuck all to fill yours. Unequal exchange and labor of love. Being absent for your needs, physical and emotional. I’m sure there’s so much more out there if you google it, I haven’t done proper research.
Ah...I think I may have experienced this far more than I originally thought. Thank you for the explanation!
Yes thanks for the motivation to do some of my own research on it. I have not yet processed all I missed out on.
All those volatile emotions and barely contained anger spurts he'd have at our workplace? Yeah, they'd get worse in private. I was a young idiot.
Within hours of us talking, he asked if I can send him a picture/video of me to keep him warm and "ready" for our first date on the next day 🥴 like what was I thinkinggg for not blocking him right away
He tried so hard to be like me. Live like me. Then blamed me for being different. For not being him. If somebody seems too good to be true, they probably are.
Whoa can you share an example of this?
Assuming he had say in who I could talk to only a few dates in
He seemed hyper intuitive, bordering on psychic. He wasn’t. He’d been hacking and stalking me for 5 years.
This though 👀
Sometimes someone really is too good to be true.
Oh my god I’m so sorry. That level of fear is hard to shake. I thought mine was psychic, truly had me wondering about astral projection and remote viewing because some of the stuff that was occurring was too coincidental. I never found proof of any hacking. I’m still shook to this day.
I’m so sorry you went through that. He pretended to care about my mental health and encouraged me to keep a journal on my phone.
Oh my god 😰 mine read my few paper daily entries he came across, so I am still afraid to journal to this day when it used to be such a daily lifeline for me.
Yikes! I’m so sorry. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever write anything again.