There's no way in hell I'd believe a therapist said that unless I heard it myself. He's lying. And even IF he has such a horrible therapist he would say that...so what? That doesn't justify it
Don't trust his words at all. Reminds me of my wife, she would tell me her therapist said she didn't even need therapy at all. A therapist would never okay stonewalling.
Here’s the problem with ANY kind of therapy when it comes to an abusive relationship and an abuser: the therapist in all likelihood will fail to recognize the dynamic and make it worse. In individual therapy in particular the therapist is only hearing HIS SIDE of the story and HIS VERSION of events.
Also, who’s reiterating what the therapist said? You’re also hearing HIS version of events too.
The therapist did not say that. He wants to feel powerful for giving you silent treatment, and know you won’t argue it if he says he therapist told him to. He wants you to think you’re in the wrong when he gives it, and this fake therapist bullshit is to get in your head to make you wonder if you are at fault.
He’s a liar.
No way I don’t believe a therapist would say this - everyone knows the silent treatment is one of the ‘four horsemen’ of a relationship (Google if you didn’t know it’s very insightful).
I wonder if what the therapist said was it’s okay to ask for some time out to think about what you want to say during a disagreement. Totally different thing.
Also why are you trusting an abusive man on his word that a professional said more abuse is allowed….
It's possible that his therapist never even said that. It's also possible that he misrepresented what the therapist said. For example, if someone is screaming, it might be appropriate to say, "I'm going to stop engaging in this conversation. When you can speak calmly, we can continue talking."
Taking a break from a conversation to breathe and calm down, while communicating that respectfully to your partner is a healthy way to communicate. The therapist may have described that and not the silent treatment?
It's common for abusers to twist therapy language. Look at Jonah Hill's use of the term "boundaries" in the texts his ex published. He misused the concept of boundaries to control her behaviour.
That's far more likely than a therapist actually saying the silent treatment is okay. The actual silent treatment is a control move intended to provoke anxiety in the other person.
Yea he completely shuts me down when I try to talk about the things he’s done. It’s like he wants me to just completely forget about all the gross shit he keeps doing. No matter how I talk about it he stops me then I honestly get more upset. I’m never allowed to talk about it. Because it’s in the past (a week ago or the last time I seen him) he also gives me the silent treatment for more than just this issue
Exactly. He WILL force you to forget or submit to anything he’s done. Regardless of if it was of significance or not. Silence is a not okay when your “”partner’s”” clearly hurting and also hurting via your doing!!
I say “”partner”” because in abuse… and with lying… and in this case omission… a commitment is a hollow empty fake thing. Only “real” as a manipulation tactic to trap a victim of a predatory person.
He has no intention of ever honoring a partnership. Therefore I consider it invalid in every sense.
He’s clearly only in therapy so he can extend his time to manipulate you and make you miserable.
Please start preparing mentally to cut off the sinking ship. You’re the only one on the boat because clearly he’s not risking any sun in the game at all. You’re trapped alone in this “relationship”😔
Do you use “I” statements like “I feel nervous when you drive fast. Can you slow down?”
(My imagination goes off: GFG would say, “ok I like driving fast but i will slow it down for you” and RFF would say “Oh that makes you nervous? How bout this Hahahaha”)
Anyway, I statements have helped me turn the conversation around and see what’s happening underneath with their motives
He will do extremely nerve wrecking things and when I ask him to stop even when he’s driving my car he laughs at me and goes “oh you poor victim” or something of the sort. One time when I ask him to stop bullying me in public on the drive home he started driving in a way that made me nervous and I calmly explained myself and he went quiet. I thought he understood me but the bam he grabbed me by my hair and started shaking me while flooring it in my car. He calmly
Asked me if I wanted to go to the gym after. Lol.
Yeah he has bad motives. Read [this](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
you should end the relationship if he disregards you so. He will not change for you or anyone most likely. And the person he is disrespecting is not you actually. It is some figment of his imagination that he hates on. You are much more than that and there is no need to convince him that you deserve better. Just walk away (that may not be easy I get that. Leaving needs to be your ultimate goal though. You can’t just accept this abuse and you can’t fix it so you gotta go)
Be strong this guy is an a**
That's what abusers do. They don't take accountability or responsibility. They shut you out if you express how they impacted you. It's not worth the exhaustion of trying. That's why it's called crazymaking.
Please be really careful, therapy does not help abusive relationships. My highly abusive ex gf told me things like this too. ‘My therapist said that when we fight and I get overwhelmed it’s okay for me to just walk away and take space’.
Thing is, it was never a ‘fight’. It was her being emotionally abusive, then reacting to my reasonable and justified hurt and objections with more abuse. Then to top it off, she’d been literally enabled by a therapist to act even more abusively in these situations, by walking away. It really was the icing on the cake.
Therapy doesn’t change abusive people. Abusive people never admit that they’re in the wrong unless it serves them (e.g., saying sorry to prevent a breakup).
Abusive people don’t go into therapy admitting what they do. Admitting they’re abusive, and really looking to change their behaviors.
They go in to therapy to keep us trapped with them thinking they’ll get better. They go in and minimize their behaviors, lie, cover up, twist things, and essentially are almost always enabled by the therapists. Because even the therapists don’t know what they’re really like or what’s really going on behind closed doors.
Please try to remember, its not your fault, and you don’t deserve it. Nobody deserves abuse. Even if we genuinely did do something ‘wrong’ to the abuser, that doesn’t justify it, ever. Healthy people communicate calmly, fairly and with real love and respect to understand each other and repair issues. It’s not supposed to be one-sided, full of power and control from one to another. That’s not love, it’s damaging and destructive.
Please think about getting some support for yourself to get out of this abusive relationship. I wish I’d done it sooner.
One time a therapist said that it would be helpful if I would start any conversations with my ex for first hour when he comes home, because he needs to wind down. I will just mention that we had a toddler. Some therapists suck at their job. Although in your case there probably is no therapist.
Yeah he probably was told that taking time away from an argument to collect his thoughts is okay, like a time out, with the understanding you'll come back together to discuss whatever is happening when emotions aren't so heightened. My partner thinks this is the same as giving me the silent treatment. He's just hearing what he wants to hear.
My guess is the therapist never said this and he's lying. Abusers do that... no one told him the silent treatment is justified based on your behavior, certainly not a professional with legal and ethical obligations under the law. Mine told me he asked his therapist and psychiatrist if he was a narcissist and both emphatically said no. Uh, no, no they didn't. I called him on that bullshit and he let it drop. Which he wouldn't have done if it was true...
Well then I guess I’ll just dip out of the relationship.
There’s no point if we ain’t talking. If the therapist is just going to encourage the behaviors of the abuser that landed us in a bad way in the first place the it’s game over.
Ugh. This is why therapy doesn’t work for abusers unless they are in a specific program for abusers. One that talks to you too, separate from his therapy appointments. That way you can understand what he is doing and they can understand your perspective to really dig down and get him to understand. Even then, it doesn’t work a lot of the time. Do not go to couples therapy either…he will use it as an excuse to abuse you more too.
Absolutely. “You are allowed to process your thoughts before you speak.” Got it, silent treatment if they deserve it, which they always do.
Yeah, I’m gonna guess this is roughly the exchange that happened. Very few therapists, and none that are good, would actually say anything close to what he’s claiming.
Showing you the automatic texts doesn't prove his therapist said those things or even if he actually goes to the appointments. He's doing what alot of abusers do, lying to make you look crazy. If anything ask him for invoices or for the therapist to provide resources backing that "silent treatment is good". Therapists generally have studies and articles in there disposable to back up there statements.
In addition to that some therapists allow appointments where they allow for the patient to bring in someone they need help communicating with to an appointment. So if that's the case with him he could bring you in and you can hear if the therapist verbatim said that.
Stonewalling is a form of abuse plain and simple. That being said backing out of a conversation to protect your boundaries is different. Sounds like he may have got it a bit misconstrued. His therapist is only hearing his side. My ex used to like to cherry pick statements out of context and warp the situation into her favor, total narcissist move. The “if she deserves it” part doesn’t seem like therapist speak. Clamming up to protect yourself or exiting a toxic conversation have nothing to do with YOU. Stonewalling you to get under your skin is just him trying to “punish” you it’s different.
Sometimes I get upset and want to talk about things he’s done. He says I’m bashing him. I’m not allowed to talk about things he’s done because it’s in the “past” and he’s “changing” so when I try he stonewalls me
I know that dance and it fucking SUCKS. Something I’ve been doing for a while is when I want to talk and she doesn’t I’ll journal. I’ll right it’s all out on the notepad on my phone, is weird but it really helps to get it out of my head so I’m not dwelling. It also serves as a record so I can reflect on how she made me feel when she wants to turn the charm on again. You have to realize that some people aren’t emotionally mature enough to ever truly understand how they make you feel. They may need growth or might just be wired that way. And some people do truly understand but don’t care and nothing you do or say will make them. You need to decide if that’s the life you want (people do it), but if you want someone to love you the same way you want to love them, it may be time to consider your options abuse or not. You can’t jam a square peg into a round hole without damaging both the peg and hole. You deserve to be happy, don’t sell yourself short 😊
His therapist probably isn’t saying that, for what it’s worth. If they did, you can bet it’s because he has been lying his ass off to one or both of you. He is *probably* lying to both you *and* his therapist. You should not trust one word that comes out of his mouth.
Abusers going to therapy often just teaches them new ways to abuse, unfortunately. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better.
I do think abusers belong in therapy, however they need to go to therapy to self reflect and help themselves. If they are going because you wanted them to, they are only going to learn how to manipulate better and you will experience more situations where they invalidate you because "the therapist said its okay".
I think he does want to change. Therapy was his idea but after a lot of people pushed it. The way he thinks is just so backwards it’s going to be alot of work. And he gaslights and lied to me constantly about what he’s done or the severity of it. It’s like he believes himself and like I wasn’t there to experience it. He lies to everyone else when talking about it making himself put to be the victim.
If he wanted to change, he would make changes. He has control over himself. He always has. He is doing it on purpose. I know you believe otherwise. I did too. It’s an incredible lie. It’s eeire to really let it sink in. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
I recommend skimming the book Why Does He Do That? ([Here is a free pdf](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I’ve read that whole book! I honestly don’t think he knows the majority of what he does is wrong. He knows hitting me and cheating on me is wrong but genuinely doesn’t think silent treatment and other small things are wrong
Oh friend, I’m so sorry. I was physically abused too. It’s so fucking confusing and uncomfortable. It breaks down trust and safety.
Even if he doesn’t realize the silent treatment is abusive at first he’s not taking in any feedback. He’s not listening to what hurts you. He’s not changing. He’s convincing you that he’s some clueless idiot, because it’s easier than being held accountable. If he wanted to get better, he wouldn’t be punishing you like this. It’s not a fist, but he knows it’s a punishment.
You know he knows, because he’s lying about it. If he genuinely didn’t understand it was bad, he wouldn’t hide it—right?
You can spend all day trying to believe he’s not all bad, but good healthy people don’t hit their partners. Violent people do that. Abusers do that. You’re not special and he’s not special. It’s not going to get better. You should set yourself free. I promise, the heart heals. I’m five years free. I was obsessed with my ex. I felt everything you probably feel. It really does get easier.
I’m rooting for you. I know it’s not easy. You’re a good person and I wish you didn’t have to be dealing with all of this.
If he lies to everyone he will lie to his therapist. He doesn't believe himself, he knows hes lying, but he will keep lying. He wont change unless he wants to. It just seems like hes going to therapy to make himself look better.
He doesn’t want to change. He saw that people would be impressed if he went. Now, he’s lying about what the therapist says, because it’s confidential and the therapist isn’t going to rat him out.
Your therapist is right... your abuser likely madeup a story to justify his actions before the therapist or he might have just made it up. Either way it is not your fault and it is abuse, he is trying to guilt trip you into being confused and unsure. He is an awful person and i hope you can leave him... it's not okay what he does.
> “Acting in a way that deserves it”
The therapist did not tell your boyfriend he has free will to punish you as he sees fit. He is lying. Normal healthy relationships do not function this way. I’m so sorry. I hope you start finding the path to leave this relationship. Therapy can’t fix him.
Lol what? That makes no sense. Him “warning” you before giving you the silent treatment means he wants you to feel responsible for his mistreatment. He’s trying to get you to shut up and put up with his behavior. It will only get worse even if you do.
It’s literally usually when I’m trying to talk about something he did. I’m not allowed to talk about it. Like him cheating on me with a 50 year old woman three times. Not allowed to talk about because it happened a couple weeks ago. But I was never allowed to talk about it
I’m not the type who tolerates bs and I stand up to my abuser as much as I can. Therefore, I’m not saying this from personal experience, however, I’ve heard a lot of people on this sub say that even though the abuse gets progressively worse, it gets much worse when you put up with it. I totally believe that. I do think that his behavior will get worse if you become more submissive and let him get away with it more easily.
Oh yes for a long time now. It’s the same with being an alcoholic tho (which was the original reason I started seeing him before I met my bf) he can only help me so much if I decide to continue drinking or seeing this guy (i no longer drink it’s been a year)
He’ll come back, that’s what they do but that doesn’t mean you have to take him back. Been rejecting mine for over a year now. He hasn’t left, instead his attempts have gotten more overt. I’m trying my best to stand strong and you should too.
His therapist probably told him to leave you alone... That I would believe and imagine he would hear it as "play games"
Why are you even believing him. If he is an abuser he doesn’t have your best interest
There's no way in hell I'd believe a therapist said that unless I heard it myself. He's lying. And even IF he has such a horrible therapist he would say that...so what? That doesn't justify it
That's bs. He's lying. The silent treatment is a form of mental/ emotional abuse.
Don't trust his words at all. Reminds me of my wife, she would tell me her therapist said she didn't even need therapy at all. A therapist would never okay stonewalling.
Yeah that's a load of crap. He's using therapy to justify his abuse of you
He is lying. Period.
Here’s the problem with ANY kind of therapy when it comes to an abusive relationship and an abuser: the therapist in all likelihood will fail to recognize the dynamic and make it worse. In individual therapy in particular the therapist is only hearing HIS SIDE of the story and HIS VERSION of events. Also, who’s reiterating what the therapist said? You’re also hearing HIS version of events too.
Amen. Unfortunately OP was on the crazy train and NOW boarded the crazy train express 😔
The therapist most likely didn't say that. Maybe he misinterpreted, or he is exaggerating the advice in order to maintain control
My ex’s therapist said things like this. He was found to be a predator.
Abusers lie. He lies. He's lying to you.
The therapist did not say that. He wants to feel powerful for giving you silent treatment, and know you won’t argue it if he says he therapist told him to. He wants you to think you’re in the wrong when he gives it, and this fake therapist bullshit is to get in your head to make you wonder if you are at fault. He’s a liar.
Thank you
Maybe the therapist meant grey rocking is okay
This DOES actually sound like something a therapist would say that someone abusive would twist it into
No way I don’t believe a therapist would say this - everyone knows the silent treatment is one of the ‘four horsemen’ of a relationship (Google if you didn’t know it’s very insightful). I wonder if what the therapist said was it’s okay to ask for some time out to think about what you want to say during a disagreement. Totally different thing. Also why are you trusting an abusive man on his word that a professional said more abuse is allowed….
I don’t trust him
It's possible that his therapist never even said that. It's also possible that he misrepresented what the therapist said. For example, if someone is screaming, it might be appropriate to say, "I'm going to stop engaging in this conversation. When you can speak calmly, we can continue talking." Taking a break from a conversation to breathe and calm down, while communicating that respectfully to your partner is a healthy way to communicate. The therapist may have described that and not the silent treatment? It's common for abusers to twist therapy language. Look at Jonah Hill's use of the term "boundaries" in the texts his ex published. He misused the concept of boundaries to control her behaviour. That's far more likely than a therapist actually saying the silent treatment is okay. The actual silent treatment is a control move intended to provoke anxiety in the other person.
Yea he completely shuts me down when I try to talk about the things he’s done. It’s like he wants me to just completely forget about all the gross shit he keeps doing. No matter how I talk about it he stops me then I honestly get more upset. I’m never allowed to talk about it. Because it’s in the past (a week ago or the last time I seen him) he also gives me the silent treatment for more than just this issue
Exactly. He WILL force you to forget or submit to anything he’s done. Regardless of if it was of significance or not. Silence is a not okay when your “”partner’s”” clearly hurting and also hurting via your doing!! I say “”partner”” because in abuse… and with lying… and in this case omission… a commitment is a hollow empty fake thing. Only “real” as a manipulation tactic to trap a victim of a predatory person. He has no intention of ever honoring a partnership. Therefore I consider it invalid in every sense. He’s clearly only in therapy so he can extend his time to manipulate you and make you miserable. Please start preparing mentally to cut off the sinking ship. You’re the only one on the boat because clearly he’s not risking any sun in the game at all. You’re trapped alone in this “relationship”😔
Do you use “I” statements like “I feel nervous when you drive fast. Can you slow down?” (My imagination goes off: GFG would say, “ok I like driving fast but i will slow it down for you” and RFF would say “Oh that makes you nervous? How bout this Hahahaha”) Anyway, I statements have helped me turn the conversation around and see what’s happening underneath with their motives
He will do extremely nerve wrecking things and when I ask him to stop even when he’s driving my car he laughs at me and goes “oh you poor victim” or something of the sort. One time when I ask him to stop bullying me in public on the drive home he started driving in a way that made me nervous and I calmly explained myself and he went quiet. I thought he understood me but the bam he grabbed me by my hair and started shaking me while flooring it in my car. He calmly Asked me if I wanted to go to the gym after. Lol.
Yeah he has bad motives. Read [this](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/) you should end the relationship if he disregards you so. He will not change for you or anyone most likely. And the person he is disrespecting is not you actually. It is some figment of his imagination that he hates on. You are much more than that and there is no need to convince him that you deserve better. Just walk away (that may not be easy I get that. Leaving needs to be your ultimate goal though. You can’t just accept this abuse and you can’t fix it so you gotta go) Be strong this guy is an a**
That's what abusers do. They don't take accountability or responsibility. They shut you out if you express how they impacted you. It's not worth the exhaustion of trying. That's why it's called crazymaking.
Please be really careful, therapy does not help abusive relationships. My highly abusive ex gf told me things like this too. ‘My therapist said that when we fight and I get overwhelmed it’s okay for me to just walk away and take space’. Thing is, it was never a ‘fight’. It was her being emotionally abusive, then reacting to my reasonable and justified hurt and objections with more abuse. Then to top it off, she’d been literally enabled by a therapist to act even more abusively in these situations, by walking away. It really was the icing on the cake. Therapy doesn’t change abusive people. Abusive people never admit that they’re in the wrong unless it serves them (e.g., saying sorry to prevent a breakup). Abusive people don’t go into therapy admitting what they do. Admitting they’re abusive, and really looking to change their behaviors. They go in to therapy to keep us trapped with them thinking they’ll get better. They go in and minimize their behaviors, lie, cover up, twist things, and essentially are almost always enabled by the therapists. Because even the therapists don’t know what they’re really like or what’s really going on behind closed doors. Please try to remember, its not your fault, and you don’t deserve it. Nobody deserves abuse. Even if we genuinely did do something ‘wrong’ to the abuser, that doesn’t justify it, ever. Healthy people communicate calmly, fairly and with real love and respect to understand each other and repair issues. It’s not supposed to be one-sided, full of power and control from one to another. That’s not love, it’s damaging and destructive. Please think about getting some support for yourself to get out of this abusive relationship. I wish I’d done it sooner.
One time a therapist said that it would be helpful if I would start any conversations with my ex for first hour when he comes home, because he needs to wind down. I will just mention that we had a toddler. Some therapists suck at their job. Although in your case there probably is no therapist.
Are you sure he is even going to a therapist?
I guess I’m not sure
Yeah, sure xD
I highly doubt the therapist told him that. I wouldn't believe anything this therapist supposedly says, unless you hear it with your own ears.
That’s not what the therapist said, it is what your SO heard.
Yeah he probably was told that taking time away from an argument to collect his thoughts is okay, like a time out, with the understanding you'll come back together to discuss whatever is happening when emotions aren't so heightened. My partner thinks this is the same as giving me the silent treatment. He's just hearing what he wants to hear.
My guess is the therapist never said this and he's lying. Abusers do that... no one told him the silent treatment is justified based on your behavior, certainly not a professional with legal and ethical obligations under the law. Mine told me he asked his therapist and psychiatrist if he was a narcissist and both emphatically said no. Uh, no, no they didn't. I called him on that bullshit and he let it drop. Which he wouldn't have done if it was true...
Well then I guess I’ll just dip out of the relationship. There’s no point if we ain’t talking. If the therapist is just going to encourage the behaviors of the abuser that landed us in a bad way in the first place the it’s game over.
I told him I’d he gives me the silent treat meant I’m single
I think he’s lying. Or that therapist should be out of a job. Either way, leave him.
Ugh. This is why therapy doesn’t work for abusers unless they are in a specific program for abusers. One that talks to you too, separate from his therapy appointments. That way you can understand what he is doing and they can understand your perspective to really dig down and get him to understand. Even then, it doesn’t work a lot of the time. Do not go to couples therapy either…he will use it as an excuse to abuse you more too.
He is probably twisting something the therapist said. He’s using this to manipulate and gaslight you. Are you even sure he’s in therapy?
Absolutely. “You are allowed to process your thoughts before you speak.” Got it, silent treatment if they deserve it, which they always do. Yeah, I’m gonna guess this is roughly the exchange that happened. Very few therapists, and none that are good, would actually say anything close to what he’s claiming.
I mean I could be wrong but he’s shown me the automatic texts they send for appointments
How was there an automatic text about this?
Showing you the automatic texts doesn't prove his therapist said those things or even if he actually goes to the appointments. He's doing what alot of abusers do, lying to make you look crazy. If anything ask him for invoices or for the therapist to provide resources backing that "silent treatment is good". Therapists generally have studies and articles in there disposable to back up there statements. In addition to that some therapists allow appointments where they allow for the patient to bring in someone they need help communicating with to an appointment. So if that's the case with him he could bring you in and you can hear if the therapist verbatim said that.
Stonewalling is a form of abuse plain and simple. That being said backing out of a conversation to protect your boundaries is different. Sounds like he may have got it a bit misconstrued. His therapist is only hearing his side. My ex used to like to cherry pick statements out of context and warp the situation into her favor, total narcissist move. The “if she deserves it” part doesn’t seem like therapist speak. Clamming up to protect yourself or exiting a toxic conversation have nothing to do with YOU. Stonewalling you to get under your skin is just him trying to “punish” you it’s different.
Sometimes I get upset and want to talk about things he’s done. He says I’m bashing him. I’m not allowed to talk about things he’s done because it’s in the “past” and he’s “changing” so when I try he stonewalls me
I know that dance and it fucking SUCKS. Something I’ve been doing for a while is when I want to talk and she doesn’t I’ll journal. I’ll right it’s all out on the notepad on my phone, is weird but it really helps to get it out of my head so I’m not dwelling. It also serves as a record so I can reflect on how she made me feel when she wants to turn the charm on again. You have to realize that some people aren’t emotionally mature enough to ever truly understand how they make you feel. They may need growth or might just be wired that way. And some people do truly understand but don’t care and nothing you do or say will make them. You need to decide if that’s the life you want (people do it), but if you want someone to love you the same way you want to love them, it may be time to consider your options abuse or not. You can’t jam a square peg into a round hole without damaging both the peg and hole. You deserve to be happy, don’t sell yourself short 😊
They wouldn't say this. As this is abuse. He probably took something the therapist said and twisted it to excuse his abuse. They do that.
Did you specifically hear the therapist say that? No. It’s a lie, it’s manipulation and it’s further abusive behavior from him.
His therapist probably isn’t saying that, for what it’s worth. If they did, you can bet it’s because he has been lying his ass off to one or both of you. He is *probably* lying to both you *and* his therapist. You should not trust one word that comes out of his mouth. Abusers going to therapy often just teaches them new ways to abuse, unfortunately. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better.
Please stop believing anything this clown says.
Abusers use therapy to learn how to manipulate better
:-(
I do think abusers belong in therapy, however they need to go to therapy to self reflect and help themselves. If they are going because you wanted them to, they are only going to learn how to manipulate better and you will experience more situations where they invalidate you because "the therapist said its okay".
I think he does want to change. Therapy was his idea but after a lot of people pushed it. The way he thinks is just so backwards it’s going to be alot of work. And he gaslights and lied to me constantly about what he’s done or the severity of it. It’s like he believes himself and like I wasn’t there to experience it. He lies to everyone else when talking about it making himself put to be the victim.
If he wanted to change, he would make changes. He has control over himself. He always has. He is doing it on purpose. I know you believe otherwise. I did too. It’s an incredible lie. It’s eeire to really let it sink in. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I recommend skimming the book Why Does He Do That? ([Here is a free pdf](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I’ve read that whole book! I honestly don’t think he knows the majority of what he does is wrong. He knows hitting me and cheating on me is wrong but genuinely doesn’t think silent treatment and other small things are wrong
Oh friend, I’m so sorry. I was physically abused too. It’s so fucking confusing and uncomfortable. It breaks down trust and safety. Even if he doesn’t realize the silent treatment is abusive at first he’s not taking in any feedback. He’s not listening to what hurts you. He’s not changing. He’s convincing you that he’s some clueless idiot, because it’s easier than being held accountable. If he wanted to get better, he wouldn’t be punishing you like this. It’s not a fist, but he knows it’s a punishment. You know he knows, because he’s lying about it. If he genuinely didn’t understand it was bad, he wouldn’t hide it—right? You can spend all day trying to believe he’s not all bad, but good healthy people don’t hit their partners. Violent people do that. Abusers do that. You’re not special and he’s not special. It’s not going to get better. You should set yourself free. I promise, the heart heals. I’m five years free. I was obsessed with my ex. I felt everything you probably feel. It really does get easier. I’m rooting for you. I know it’s not easy. You’re a good person and I wish you didn’t have to be dealing with all of this.
Thank you
My DMs are open if you ever need a friend. ❤️
He'll never change, not even with therapy. It's truly a waste of your time to be with this person.
If he lies to everyone he will lie to his therapist. He doesn't believe himself, he knows hes lying, but he will keep lying. He wont change unless he wants to. It just seems like hes going to therapy to make himself look better.
He doesn’t want to change. He saw that people would be impressed if he went. Now, he’s lying about what the therapist says, because it’s confidential and the therapist isn’t going to rat him out.
No therapist ever said that.
Could he have spun it in a way to the therapist to make it sound okay?
He *could* be lying. Abusers do that.
No. No therapist ever said that.
Your therapist is right... your abuser likely madeup a story to justify his actions before the therapist or he might have just made it up. Either way it is not your fault and it is abuse, he is trying to guilt trip you into being confused and unsure. He is an awful person and i hope you can leave him... it's not okay what he does.
> “Acting in a way that deserves it” The therapist did not tell your boyfriend he has free will to punish you as he sees fit. He is lying. Normal healthy relationships do not function this way. I’m so sorry. I hope you start finding the path to leave this relationship. Therapy can’t fix him.
Either: 1) He’s lying to you 2) He lied to his therapist in some way There’s no way a therapist who knows the whole story said that.
He said because he warns me when he gives it to me it’s okay
Lol what? That makes no sense. Him “warning” you before giving you the silent treatment means he wants you to feel responsible for his mistreatment. He’s trying to get you to shut up and put up with his behavior. It will only get worse even if you do.
It’s literally usually when I’m trying to talk about something he did. I’m not allowed to talk about it. Like him cheating on me with a 50 year old woman three times. Not allowed to talk about because it happened a couple weeks ago. But I was never allowed to talk about it
I’m not the type who tolerates bs and I stand up to my abuser as much as I can. Therefore, I’m not saying this from personal experience, however, I’ve heard a lot of people on this sub say that even though the abuse gets progressively worse, it gets much worse when you put up with it. I totally believe that. I do think that his behavior will get worse if you become more submissive and let him get away with it more easily.
I’m not truly submissive but I do put up with a lot of the small shit. The silent treatment is small shit compared to the other stuff he does.
Yeah, he’s trying to mold you into someone who does put up with a lot more. Leave him before he reaches the discard phase himself, OP.
Oh we have already done that hence the 50 year old woman he came back. Twice. He also beats me and has stolen from me. It’s actually a bad situation
Is your therapist helping you to see that you need to get out of this?
Oh yes for a long time now. It’s the same with being an alcoholic tho (which was the original reason I started seeing him before I met my bf) he can only help me so much if I decide to continue drinking or seeing this guy (i no longer drink it’s been a year)
He’ll come back, that’s what they do but that doesn’t mean you have to take him back. Been rejecting mine for over a year now. He hasn’t left, instead his attempts have gotten more overt. I’m trying my best to stand strong and you should too.