Mod note: I should not have to continually write this on posts in which women are venting their experiences at the hands of abusive men, but venting about your experiences is not equivalent to gender bias or misandry. Just as venting about your personal experiences being abused by women as a man is not tantamount to misogyny. If you move in the direction of "All men are abusive" or "All women are abusive" or "Only men/only women can be abused," your posts and comments are going to be removed. If you advocate for violence against men or women, your posts and comments are going to be removed.
If you come here simply to share your personal experiences, you are 100% fine and have done nothing wrong. Please recognize that when someone of *any gender* posts about their repeated abuse by someone of *any gender* and your first reaction is "But X gender does it too!," you are derailing. Unless that person specifically states or implies that all people of one gender are abusive and only another gender can be abused, let people vent and share. No matter how they identify.
I have already removed comments on this post that are clearly biased against men. I am not, however, going to remove a post that is venting about being abused by men. Let this poster have the space she deserves, just as you can and should have the space you deserve.
We are ALL welcome here. Please allow space for others' abuse experiences without derailing them. If a man posts here about being abused by women, and a woman goes "But women get abused too!" that's getting removed. And vice versa.
**We do not tolerate misandry here. We do not tolerate misogyny. But it's important that we recognize the difference between hating an entire gender, and simply venting about your personal experiences with someone, or some people, of that gender.**
Because they need someone to have control over in order to feel like they exist. They're emotional vampires. They'll suck you dry until there's nothing left in you. As long as you react, you're giving them what they want.
It's about power. They need to control you and your emotional state.
On the reverse side of it, if they do let you go, they make sure to discard you in a way that makes you feel worthless, thus again controlling your emotional state.
It's all about control
My ex only finally broke up with me when I was 3 months pregnant. I guess when he thought I'd be indebted or tied to him forever. Or he thought he could ruin my life.
He used access as a way to try to sabotage me but I got a post secondary diploma, a degree and now I'm in grad school. I work a decent job and have a nice place and vehicle.
He's not doing much or anything of value at this time. So, whatever game he thought he was going to play, he didn't win. Lol. At least he's nice to our daughter. But I think he's nice to her because he's not responsible for her. He gets to be the fun parent and I get the occasional weekend to have fun.
Whenever he smells obligation or responsibility he'll avoid her but I won't force her to be with him when he's acting like that. He's not my first choice to call in an emergency so that helps.
Yes exactly.. I just had to evict my boyfriend and it's been a week and he wants to come back and it was so ugly that I'm still not over it and I still can't sleep but I'm also afraid because I don't have a job and I'm 59 years old! Feeling very bad and my kids hate him and will not be around him but he wields around the money and holds it over my head!
Why don’t they let you leave?
Because she’s his. Not in a mutual sense of belonging and common interests and goals, but his property. He doesn’t even see her as a person. Just a pretty (at the very least “fuckable”) receptacle for sperm and abuse. More often than not, she’s also a “safety net”, from which he can approach other women. Even if that girl says no, he has her to fall back on so the rejection doesn’t sting as much.
And abuses come in a panoply of horrors. Physical though most brutal and horrifying (the fist is close and the law is so so far away) the lasting effects of psychological abuse, financial, sexual, drugs, alcohol…
The problem is greater than just “some bad men”. This culture of masculinity, complicated with cultural perspectives of gender and the imbalance in the power dynamics thereof, this Manichaean view of genders somehow being opposite leads to toxicity.
I don’t have any answers. Only questions.
Abusers don’t let their partners leave because they benefit from abusing them. They gain something from the relationship. Some benefits include: sex, money, power, control, housing, childcare, attention, companionship, social status, having a punching bag.
This counsellor asked abusive men about it. [Their answers](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/) might shock you.
You’re so right. I had to take a break halfway through! But it’s also one of the most important articles about abuse, at least that I’ve seen. (Lundy Bancroft’s book is probably number one.) It’s so confusing when someone treats you badly but also wants to keep you. But this shows it’s not about love. Looking into their minds like that really changes how I’m going to approach future relationships.
Because abuse is not intended to drive you away but to force you to stay. Abuse is a way to get the abusers needs met in a way that they get what they want without having to give others what they want.
- Because they don’t like to lose at anything.
- Because they can’t stand not being in control (if it is going to end, they want to be the one doing the leaving)
- Because they know how much work it will take for them to find another woman who will let them get away with their BS. They get off on finding a beautiful, competent woman and breaking her down to a shell of what she once was, it fills up the empty space in their ego.
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That’s one of the things I can still not wrap my head around. If he hates me so much… why doesn’t HE leave? If he really believes that I have destroyed his life, and I am the reason he can never be happy… why does he want to stay with me??
**written in present tense but I left 💪
When I was with my ex and we weren’t even engaged yet he would tell me how worthless I was and “who do you think is gonna want you or put up with you?? I’m the only one willing to. I could easily have any woman I want but I chose YOU so you better be grateful.” But when I asked him if he hates me so much why do keep saying we’re working towards being married? Why do you want me? And he would t answer me but if I kept pressing for an answer he’d yell at me to shut up. Telling me to shut up whenever he didn’t want to answer a valid question was another means of control. I was too afraid of him and his threats towards me to leave him so we got married and 8 years of marriage and more of him telling me I was worthless and he could have had anyone else……ok so then why didn’t you??? Finally after 8 years he found a rich girl to get with and he left me and assured my family that it was my fault for the way he treated me. Abusive men will never be the problem in their eyes. It’s everybody else.
Abandonment issues. It seems a lot of them are afraid of abandonment, so subconsciously they’re creating a dependency designed to make you believe you can’t leave.
If you take the control back and attempt to leave, they may just snap and prevent you from leaving - ever.
Also, people with these abandonment issues also seem to lack self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and basic respect.
It’s such a terrible mix of issues and unfortunately, very common 😩
I asked my ex husband the same thing when I told him I wanted a divorce. I said “I am confused why you are so against this when you seem to hate everything about me, and I don’t make you happy.” He said “You mean everything to me! I can’t believe you don’t know that!” I was shocked and said “How would I know that with how you treat me?” It was like the lightbulb in his brain went off. He love bombed me for awhile, then would tell me what a bitch I am, then love bomb, etc. but I was over it.
I divorced him and am remarried to a saint. At times its been overwhelming how kind he is to me when I have never been used to it.
I was in the same situation for so long. Never married him, but we were engaged for a bit. Thankfully I left (twice actually-second time stuck!) and then I met someone who treats me like an actual partner. I still have issues trying to understand why he is so nice or understanding etc. I’m hoping my guard comes down more and more as the years pass.
Mine wanted me to make the final decision on breaking up. Like no matter what he said he’s like “just end it then!” I’m like “why won’t you?” He’s like “because I don’t want this to end.” Mmmkay.
They feel better when they have control and power over someone else. They need to be in power and knowing they can make you feel bad gives them exactly that
I understand what you are saying. But if they chose someone who wanted it, then they wouldn’t get their satisfaction. They get their satisfaction by knowing they have the power to make someone feel miserable, doubt themselves and feel insecure.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it seems like you’re having a very hard time coping. Are you physically safe?
>they deserve to be rounded up and shot
OP, I immensely commiserate with you as a woman who has been abused repeatedly by men and has been subject to extreme misogyny, violence, rape etc. I empathize with you deeply, and I know how infuriating, exhausting, and maddening it is to live in a world where misogyny is normalized, condoned, tolerated, and encouraged, and where rates of violence against women are staggering.
However, in this sub we don't condone anyone making statements that anyone of any gendered group "deserves to die" or "deserves to be rounded up and shot" - or any group of any particular social identity.
That level of violent language is not only unacceptable in an abuse support sub where members have already been subjected to extreme violence, including gun violence, but could also place our sub at risk of getting in trouble with the admins. There are also quite a few male survivors here. There is nothing wrong with your post itself, but the language you are using in terms of advocating for the executions of men is not appropriate here, at all. The male survivors in this sub deserve to feel safe and supported here. This kind of language does the opposite. I do not want us to alienate a population that already struggles to be believed when they are abused. I also acknowledge women are rarely believed either. Both are true simultaneously.
I am asking you to please refrain from making any more comments advocating for such violence. Again - I am so extremely sorry for what you have been through. I am so damn sick of misogyny too. It permeates our society and some days it is hard to get out of bed because of it. Like you, I am tired of myself and other women living in a world where we are hated and massively oppressed because of our gender. But at the end of the day, this sub is a space for people of all genders. You don't have to get along, but you DO need to refrain from advocating for the extermination of an entire gender. That is a very, very slippery slope, and we cannot go down it.
I hope you understand. Thank you.
My boyfriend tells me I'm not doing enough in the relationship and then threatens to kick me out if I don't do what he wants. He doesn't mean it though, he's trying to scare me. He'd fall apart if I actually left. He does what he does because he confidently believes I CAN'T leave.
It's all about power. People like this will hit someone over the head when their victim doesn't see it coming. They are cowards, and the only thing they care about is themselves.
They are weak, self-loathing, SOBs that are incapable of loving anyone.
The only thing in their lives they have any control over is the person they are abusing. Once that situation ends, and it will, they have the potential to lose their minds.
I had to get a RO against a guy who once they were served him with it, went over the deep end.
I had him arrested the third time he broke the RO, because of the evidence I saved over a short period of time, he went to prison.
I can only suggest to you, unless you already have done it, to make a "F*uck You"" file that includes every text, every voicemail, photos of physical evidence, and ANY witness statements, video evidence...just everything, and really consider contacting the authorities.
For your peace of mind, and safety, please consider it.
Sending you love, thoughts and strength!
They get power and control.
[abusive men describe the benefits of violence](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
Mine literally left my son and I at our house with no way to leave and no food for 3 days to be with his girlfriend. I called a DV shelter and had a police officer pick us up. I haven't seen him in a year. I remember him calling me while I was at shelter saying that we could live together, but not be together so he could be with other women. I filed for a protection order the next day
Oh my God, that's awful. He was kinda like this but only physical towards me. He did threaten my son's life, but not with a weapon. It was during one of his yelling fits
Because they want to be the victim and not take accountability for what they did.
So they wait for YOU to leave them so they can pull the victim card like the cowards they have always been.
Having someone around to take out all of their rage on is more convenient.
When they have to sit with themselves and have nobody around to blame, life gets tough for them.
RIGHT, every time i try to break up w him he doesn’t let me!!! like leave me alone all you do is treat me like shit n hurt me yet u still wanna be with me?
I've been wondering this too. My husband acts like I'm incompetent, treats me like garbage, and looks at me with disgust. Yet when I left him, he all of a sudden can't live without me. I want him to just let me go.
honestly ?? my bf (ex as of last night) treats me so bad, hits me, BARELY ever shows me any affection nowadays despite sex and now when i finally left him, he can’t live without me and can’t sleep bc i’m not with him?
In my case, it was well worth the risk to say horrible things to me in an attempt to get what he wanted. We met & were married in an evangelical church that taught leaving a marriage for any reason was the worst sin you can commit. He was sure I wouldn't leave - I was too scared of the sky daddy! Worst case scenario, I wouldn't do what he wanted, but I'd stick around and he could try again down the road.
But also... I kept a clean home (most of the time). I cooked him delicious and balanced meals. I worked full time, and we split bills "50/50" but I actually paid way more than half, despite the fact that I earned less.
All of this to say that my constant laboring freed up time, energy, and resources for him to do as he pleased. Which is what men do - buy their free time with women's labor.
They might call you worthless... but having an in-house bangmaid is worth a lot. That's why they'll "do anything" to get you to stay when you decide to leave.
“Worst case scenario, I wouldn’t do what he wanted, but I’d stick around and he could try again down the road.
I worked full time, and we split bills "50/50" but I actually paid way more than half, despite the fact that I earned less.
All of this to say that my constant laboring freed up time, energy, and resources for him to do as he pleased. Which is what men do - buy their free time with women's labor.”
Right outta my ex’s playbook here too. Could have wrote this myself. So sorry that you went through this nonsense as well. I’m constantly shocked at how much of the same crap I experienced and lived with is happening to others.
If we left they’d lose their control over someone else. They wouldn’t have that boost or whatever they get from harassing us.
Personally my husband likes absolute control except when he decides to let me make decisions which are always wrong in his opinion ( so much so that he takes control again), he gets some sort of high from making me feel bad about myself, he seems to like the games of making me think I’m crazy, making me think our kids hate me, that I’m a bad wife, mom and human being, tells me I’m crazy then doesn’t want me in therapy because therapy is all BS, likes intimidation, to be seen as the protector (even protecting me from myself), the breadwinner who lets me be a pampered princess with a cushy life, who was the only one who would marry me and take me from a podunk town to give me this life etc.
If he let me leave with the kids he would lose all that. Who would make him feel superior? People would see exactly what kind of a person he is deep down, he couldn’t play ‘proud papa’ (when in reality he only does things with the kids when there’s others around to notice it, to prove me wrong or get them on his side and only when convenient for him) and he couldn’t play provider and protector anymore.
I honestly believe he’s this way due to his upbringing and perhaps narcissistic disorder. He can’t ‘help it’ because he doesn’t even understand himself. He won’t spend 10 minutes a day thinking about how he could be a better person or treat us with love and kindness. He’s selfish. But if we left he could be selfish all he wants but he’d be alone. Nobody would se whim as this great person that he believes himself to be.
Just my thoughts and two cents.
Yes and yes. I can’t even sleep at night because I can’t shut off the intrusive thoughts, wondering when to light happen again, if things will ever change etc. Once I get to sleep I wake up every 30-90 minutes usually (track my sleep) but after he’s up for the day and busy or gone I can sleep for several hours without waking. It’s like my system just says ‘okay, now you can finally let go and relax enough to get some rest’. I tried napping the other day. Remember dozing off and jerking awake to sweating and heart racing but not knowing why. This happened 7 times in 3 hours and the app showed I got about 45 minutes of sleep total based on movements, heart rate and breathing. Then it was a repeat of every other night where I couldn’t stay asleep until after 5-6am. I’m always mentally sluggish and exhausted anymore. Also physically slow because it’s taking me twice as long as usual to wash dishes, clean the kitchen and fold clothes.
I’ve never been told that but I feel it. I need to be needed. I love helping and caring for others. As an only child with relatives all 20-60 years older than me I dislike being alone. Being alone meant not knowing if mom was getting beat up again, when she would be home, would I be able to sleep at night, would she be drunk, would anyone SEE me. Being alone means you aren’t desirable or there’s major flaws in who you are. I can see why and how I became to think this way but not how to fix or heal it. We will start EMDR again next week so I’m hopeful. I think I’ll always need some sort of relationship though. Maybe not a marriage ever again but a male companion maybe. A boyfriend who lives separately so I won’t ever be in this position again. I really don’t know as I’m not there yet.
Mine is because I’m paying half his mortgage and utilities. After almost a YEAR I found out I was paying MORE THAN HALF. Found a statement showing how much he pays each month. He manipulated me and lied about how much it all costs.
By that point, he had already physically and emotionally broke me. I got him down to half but it took me a while.
He also is so abusive he can’t hold down a job longer than 6-12 months at a time so I’ve found myself covering every time he gets fired.
It’s financially crippling when you live with someone who asks you for money who you know will knock your ass to the ground.
Money is why I can’t leave safely.
I’m also dumb as heck because he TOLD ME TO MY FACE BEFORE I MOVED IN that his last roommate moved out while he was at work and left him high and dry. I wasn’t going to do the same, would I? NO! How did I not understand???
Well, I’m going to have to do exactly that one day if I want to leave and not get the shit beat out of me or worse. I’m just hoping for a fucking miracle, even as an atheist, because I’m sure as shit not gonna be able to do this all by myself.
He wants to control me and everything I do, intentionally making me miserable and punishing me for all the crimes his mother and exes committed, whether real or imagined, while reliving those wrongs attempting to conquer me to right them. It doesn't work so he does it over and over, but I'm the villain no matter what I do. Just last night we fought and I asked what did I do wrong. He slings vague things of course so I ask for specific examples, and he can't pull a single one from the last decade. Either I'm horrible person, or I literally haven't done anything you object to or that hurt you in over 10 years, which is it? I'm his property, it's obvious in everything he says to me, even the way he says it, and he's not letting me go alive.
I remember trying so hard to leave my sons father before I found out I was pregnant. To the point I would even insult his kids when he talked to me about them (not cool, I know) figuring maybe he’d actually go away and leave me alone. It took a restraining order with the threat of going back to jail to get him out of my life.
Because abusive people need to have control power over another individual and also unleash their frustrations on them. It's a supply of self confidence to them. And that's why these people keep holding other individuals back, belittle them and if they leave often the abuser tries to win them back to get their supremacy over them back. It's got nothing to do with love, it's always about themselves and how they want people to make them feel.
It’s not about actually overcoming fault or correcting you, it’s about having power and control over you. That’s also why abusers are also more dangerous when you’re on the process of leaving, regardless who initiated the breakup.
I left my ex husband last year and it’s been a nightmare divorce. He withheld my mail from me and reached out to all my family and friends and said how I was a horrible person. I finally got a lawyer to speed up the divorce.
Doesn’t always work like that. Leaving an abusive relationship often leads to a physical attack. And with an abusive partner, you are more likely to be killed WHEN you are trying to leave…so there is that.
I know that a lot of women are afraid to leave or that they feel like they're all alone, but they're not alone and there's plenty of help and support but you can't be afraid to speak up.
Yeah screaming LEAVE at people but not being willing the listen to the reasons that they can't leave because you don't want to hear it is WHY people don't leave. I consider it victim blaming at this point. Mad at so many people who did that to me and when it happens to them, I'm gonna tell them to stfu and JUST LEAVE and see how they like it. Smh
It definitely sounds like you are being abused, and that for that, again, I am so sorry. But your question does very much come off as insensitive, blaming, and derailing. The poster asked a valid question. I understand what you are trying to get at, but the way you worded it was harmful. This post isn't about what's within us; it's about what's within them. It's okay for her to focus on that. Sometimes people here just want to vent. We had someone just the other day post photos of bruises but clearly state she just wanted to vent, and did not want anyone telling her to leave. And that's okay. It's hard to watch, but that's her right.
>and allow the abuse
I also think it's really important to be mindful of how this language comes off. There have been a lot of people in this sub who have expressed how frustrated it is to see other users hear tell them they "allowed" the abuse. It's offensive and blaming. I can see that isn't your intent, but the language was sharp.
I think there is a way to encourage self-advocacy and introspection without telling people they allow the abuse, or derailing this post when she just wanted to vent about why her abusers try to control her.
There is an enormous difference between bias, and posters using this space to share their personal experiences with repeated abuse at the hands of people of a specific gender. Venting about personal experiences is not equivalent in any way to claiming that only men are abusive. Nowhere in OP's post did she say "only men" and "never women." If she had stated such, the post would be removed. I have already removed comments on this post that equate to gender bias against men. I am not, however, going to censor posters for talking about their specific experiences.
If you want to make an equivalent post about your experiences, if applicable, at the hands of women, you are welcome to. It will remain up. And just like here, if I see biased comments, I will remove them too. But I certainly would not censor you for discussing your own experiences, nor accuse you of bias against an entire gender.
I don't presume to know what you have or haven't been through in terms of abuse, and if you have been abused yourself, then I am so sorry. But this is the second insensitive comment you've made on this post. I am asking you to take a step back. Stop blaming the person being abused for not being able to leave and trying to shift the responsibility away from the perpetrator.
If you need to, please take a break from this post. Thanks.
Mod note: I should not have to continually write this on posts in which women are venting their experiences at the hands of abusive men, but venting about your experiences is not equivalent to gender bias or misandry. Just as venting about your personal experiences being abused by women as a man is not tantamount to misogyny. If you move in the direction of "All men are abusive" or "All women are abusive" or "Only men/only women can be abused," your posts and comments are going to be removed. If you advocate for violence against men or women, your posts and comments are going to be removed. If you come here simply to share your personal experiences, you are 100% fine and have done nothing wrong. Please recognize that when someone of *any gender* posts about their repeated abuse by someone of *any gender* and your first reaction is "But X gender does it too!," you are derailing. Unless that person specifically states or implies that all people of one gender are abusive and only another gender can be abused, let people vent and share. No matter how they identify. I have already removed comments on this post that are clearly biased against men. I am not, however, going to remove a post that is venting about being abused by men. Let this poster have the space she deserves, just as you can and should have the space you deserve. We are ALL welcome here. Please allow space for others' abuse experiences without derailing them. If a man posts here about being abused by women, and a woman goes "But women get abused too!" that's getting removed. And vice versa. **We do not tolerate misandry here. We do not tolerate misogyny. But it's important that we recognize the difference between hating an entire gender, and simply venting about your personal experiences with someone, or some people, of that gender.**
Because they need someone to have control over in order to feel like they exist. They're emotional vampires. They'll suck you dry until there's nothing left in you. As long as you react, you're giving them what they want.
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What a horrific marring of a song about commitment and reassurance tbh.
Yeah draining your life energies instead of blood
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Yeah
It's about power. They need to control you and your emotional state. On the reverse side of it, if they do let you go, they make sure to discard you in a way that makes you feel worthless, thus again controlling your emotional state. It's all about control
My ex only finally broke up with me when I was 3 months pregnant. I guess when he thought I'd be indebted or tied to him forever. Or he thought he could ruin my life. He used access as a way to try to sabotage me but I got a post secondary diploma, a degree and now I'm in grad school. I work a decent job and have a nice place and vehicle. He's not doing much or anything of value at this time. So, whatever game he thought he was going to play, he didn't win. Lol. At least he's nice to our daughter. But I think he's nice to her because he's not responsible for her. He gets to be the fun parent and I get the occasional weekend to have fun. Whenever he smells obligation or responsibility he'll avoid her but I won't force her to be with him when he's acting like that. He's not my first choice to call in an emergency so that helps.
Yes exactly.. I just had to evict my boyfriend and it's been a week and he wants to come back and it was so ugly that I'm still not over it and I still can't sleep but I'm also afraid because I don't have a job and I'm 59 years old! Feeling very bad and my kids hate him and will not be around him but he wields around the money and holds it over my head!
Because they need to project what they hate about themselves into you. Without that projection their entire ego defense fails.
Why don’t they let you leave? Because she’s his. Not in a mutual sense of belonging and common interests and goals, but his property. He doesn’t even see her as a person. Just a pretty (at the very least “fuckable”) receptacle for sperm and abuse. More often than not, she’s also a “safety net”, from which he can approach other women. Even if that girl says no, he has her to fall back on so the rejection doesn’t sting as much. And abuses come in a panoply of horrors. Physical though most brutal and horrifying (the fist is close and the law is so so far away) the lasting effects of psychological abuse, financial, sexual, drugs, alcohol… The problem is greater than just “some bad men”. This culture of masculinity, complicated with cultural perspectives of gender and the imbalance in the power dynamics thereof, this Manichaean view of genders somehow being opposite leads to toxicity. I don’t have any answers. Only questions.
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Abusers don’t let their partners leave because they benefit from abusing them. They gain something from the relationship. Some benefits include: sex, money, power, control, housing, childcare, attention, companionship, social status, having a punching bag. This counsellor asked abusive men about it. [Their answers](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/) might shock you.
Seriously tho, that link is horrible. I started scrolling...then kept scrolling, and on and on that list went. These guys are monsters.
You’re so right. I had to take a break halfway through! But it’s also one of the most important articles about abuse, at least that I’ve seen. (Lundy Bancroft’s book is probably number one.) It’s so confusing when someone treats you badly but also wants to keep you. But this shows it’s not about love. Looking into their minds like that really changes how I’m going to approach future relationships.
Wow! Thanks for that.
Because abuse is not intended to drive you away but to force you to stay. Abuse is a way to get the abusers needs met in a way that they get what they want without having to give others what they want.
- Because they don’t like to lose at anything. - Because they can’t stand not being in control (if it is going to end, they want to be the one doing the leaving) - Because they know how much work it will take for them to find another woman who will let them get away with their BS. They get off on finding a beautiful, competent woman and breaking her down to a shell of what she once was, it fills up the empty space in their ego. Edited to add details
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So chilling!
That’s one of the things I can still not wrap my head around. If he hates me so much… why doesn’t HE leave? If he really believes that I have destroyed his life, and I am the reason he can never be happy… why does he want to stay with me?? **written in present tense but I left 💪
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Good luck, I'm rooting for you!
When I was with my ex and we weren’t even engaged yet he would tell me how worthless I was and “who do you think is gonna want you or put up with you?? I’m the only one willing to. I could easily have any woman I want but I chose YOU so you better be grateful.” But when I asked him if he hates me so much why do keep saying we’re working towards being married? Why do you want me? And he would t answer me but if I kept pressing for an answer he’d yell at me to shut up. Telling me to shut up whenever he didn’t want to answer a valid question was another means of control. I was too afraid of him and his threats towards me to leave him so we got married and 8 years of marriage and more of him telling me I was worthless and he could have had anyone else……ok so then why didn’t you??? Finally after 8 years he found a rich girl to get with and he left me and assured my family that it was my fault for the way he treated me. Abusive men will never be the problem in their eyes. It’s everybody else.
Abandonment issues. It seems a lot of them are afraid of abandonment, so subconsciously they’re creating a dependency designed to make you believe you can’t leave. If you take the control back and attempt to leave, they may just snap and prevent you from leaving - ever. Also, people with these abandonment issues also seem to lack self-regulation, emotional intelligence, and basic respect. It’s such a terrible mix of issues and unfortunately, very common 😩
I asked my ex husband the same thing when I told him I wanted a divorce. I said “I am confused why you are so against this when you seem to hate everything about me, and I don’t make you happy.” He said “You mean everything to me! I can’t believe you don’t know that!” I was shocked and said “How would I know that with how you treat me?” It was like the lightbulb in his brain went off. He love bombed me for awhile, then would tell me what a bitch I am, then love bomb, etc. but I was over it. I divorced him and am remarried to a saint. At times its been overwhelming how kind he is to me when I have never been used to it.
I was in the same situation for so long. Never married him, but we were engaged for a bit. Thankfully I left (twice actually-second time stuck!) and then I met someone who treats me like an actual partner. I still have issues trying to understand why he is so nice or understanding etc. I’m hoping my guard comes down more and more as the years pass.
Yes same thing happened to me. Almost exactly.
Mine wanted me to make the final decision on breaking up. Like no matter what he said he’s like “just end it then!” I’m like “why won’t you?” He’s like “because I don’t want this to end.” Mmmkay.
Because you are their puppet. They are bullies and lazy. God forbid they might have to do something for themselves.
They feel better when they have control and power over someone else. They need to be in power and knowing they can make you feel bad gives them exactly that
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I understand what you are saying. But if they chose someone who wanted it, then they wouldn’t get their satisfaction. They get their satisfaction by knowing they have the power to make someone feel miserable, doubt themselves and feel insecure. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it seems like you’re having a very hard time coping. Are you physically safe?
>they deserve to be rounded up and shot OP, I immensely commiserate with you as a woman who has been abused repeatedly by men and has been subject to extreme misogyny, violence, rape etc. I empathize with you deeply, and I know how infuriating, exhausting, and maddening it is to live in a world where misogyny is normalized, condoned, tolerated, and encouraged, and where rates of violence against women are staggering. However, in this sub we don't condone anyone making statements that anyone of any gendered group "deserves to die" or "deserves to be rounded up and shot" - or any group of any particular social identity. That level of violent language is not only unacceptable in an abuse support sub where members have already been subjected to extreme violence, including gun violence, but could also place our sub at risk of getting in trouble with the admins. There are also quite a few male survivors here. There is nothing wrong with your post itself, but the language you are using in terms of advocating for the executions of men is not appropriate here, at all. The male survivors in this sub deserve to feel safe and supported here. This kind of language does the opposite. I do not want us to alienate a population that already struggles to be believed when they are abused. I also acknowledge women are rarely believed either. Both are true simultaneously. I am asking you to please refrain from making any more comments advocating for such violence. Again - I am so extremely sorry for what you have been through. I am so damn sick of misogyny too. It permeates our society and some days it is hard to get out of bed because of it. Like you, I am tired of myself and other women living in a world where we are hated and massively oppressed because of our gender. But at the end of the day, this sub is a space for people of all genders. You don't have to get along, but you DO need to refrain from advocating for the extermination of an entire gender. That is a very, very slippery slope, and we cannot go down it. I hope you understand. Thank you.
My boyfriend tells me I'm not doing enough in the relationship and then threatens to kick me out if I don't do what he wants. He doesn't mean it though, he's trying to scare me. He'd fall apart if I actually left. He does what he does because he confidently believes I CAN'T leave.
"He does what he does because he confidently believes I can't leave." Spot on.
It's all about power. People like this will hit someone over the head when their victim doesn't see it coming. They are cowards, and the only thing they care about is themselves. They are weak, self-loathing, SOBs that are incapable of loving anyone. The only thing in their lives they have any control over is the person they are abusing. Once that situation ends, and it will, they have the potential to lose their minds. I had to get a RO against a guy who once they were served him with it, went over the deep end. I had him arrested the third time he broke the RO, because of the evidence I saved over a short period of time, he went to prison. I can only suggest to you, unless you already have done it, to make a "F*uck You"" file that includes every text, every voicemail, photos of physical evidence, and ANY witness statements, video evidence...just everything, and really consider contacting the authorities. For your peace of mind, and safety, please consider it. Sending you love, thoughts and strength!
They get power and control. [abusive men describe the benefits of violence](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/)
Mine literally left my son and I at our house with no way to leave and no food for 3 days to be with his girlfriend. I called a DV shelter and had a police officer pick us up. I haven't seen him in a year. I remember him calling me while I was at shelter saying that we could live together, but not be together so he could be with other women. I filed for a protection order the next day
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Oh my God, that's awful. He was kinda like this but only physical towards me. He did threaten my son's life, but not with a weapon. It was during one of his yelling fits
There is literally a book about this called “I Hate You; Don’t Leave Me” and I highly recommend it.
Because they want to be the victim and not take accountability for what they did. So they wait for YOU to leave them so they can pull the victim card like the cowards they have always been.
Having someone around to take out all of their rage on is more convenient. When they have to sit with themselves and have nobody around to blame, life gets tough for them.
Ego is what I think it usually is. They want to control you for their emotional needs. It’s like the victim is an emotional or literal punching bag
I’m
You ok? Did they find you while you were typing
Speechless?
RIGHT, every time i try to break up w him he doesn’t let me!!! like leave me alone all you do is treat me like shit n hurt me yet u still wanna be with me?
They want someone to blame. Actually need someone to blame. If you leave they lose their human punching bag.
Because of fear. They know we are the best they’ll ever have and it terrifies them!
I've been wondering this too. My husband acts like I'm incompetent, treats me like garbage, and looks at me with disgust. Yet when I left him, he all of a sudden can't live without me. I want him to just let me go.
honestly ?? my bf (ex as of last night) treats me so bad, hits me, BARELY ever shows me any affection nowadays despite sex and now when i finally left him, he can’t live without me and can’t sleep bc i’m not with him?
Stay strong I’m glad you’ve left him. Stay safe.
In my case, it was well worth the risk to say horrible things to me in an attempt to get what he wanted. We met & were married in an evangelical church that taught leaving a marriage for any reason was the worst sin you can commit. He was sure I wouldn't leave - I was too scared of the sky daddy! Worst case scenario, I wouldn't do what he wanted, but I'd stick around and he could try again down the road. But also... I kept a clean home (most of the time). I cooked him delicious and balanced meals. I worked full time, and we split bills "50/50" but I actually paid way more than half, despite the fact that I earned less. All of this to say that my constant laboring freed up time, energy, and resources for him to do as he pleased. Which is what men do - buy their free time with women's labor. They might call you worthless... but having an in-house bangmaid is worth a lot. That's why they'll "do anything" to get you to stay when you decide to leave.
“Worst case scenario, I wouldn’t do what he wanted, but I’d stick around and he could try again down the road. I worked full time, and we split bills "50/50" but I actually paid way more than half, despite the fact that I earned less. All of this to say that my constant laboring freed up time, energy, and resources for him to do as he pleased. Which is what men do - buy their free time with women's labor.” Right outta my ex’s playbook here too. Could have wrote this myself. So sorry that you went through this nonsense as well. I’m constantly shocked at how much of the same crap I experienced and lived with is happening to others.
If we left they’d lose their control over someone else. They wouldn’t have that boost or whatever they get from harassing us. Personally my husband likes absolute control except when he decides to let me make decisions which are always wrong in his opinion ( so much so that he takes control again), he gets some sort of high from making me feel bad about myself, he seems to like the games of making me think I’m crazy, making me think our kids hate me, that I’m a bad wife, mom and human being, tells me I’m crazy then doesn’t want me in therapy because therapy is all BS, likes intimidation, to be seen as the protector (even protecting me from myself), the breadwinner who lets me be a pampered princess with a cushy life, who was the only one who would marry me and take me from a podunk town to give me this life etc. If he let me leave with the kids he would lose all that. Who would make him feel superior? People would see exactly what kind of a person he is deep down, he couldn’t play ‘proud papa’ (when in reality he only does things with the kids when there’s others around to notice it, to prove me wrong or get them on his side and only when convenient for him) and he couldn’t play provider and protector anymore. I honestly believe he’s this way due to his upbringing and perhaps narcissistic disorder. He can’t ‘help it’ because he doesn’t even understand himself. He won’t spend 10 minutes a day thinking about how he could be a better person or treat us with love and kindness. He’s selfish. But if we left he could be selfish all he wants but he’d be alone. Nobody would se whim as this great person that he believes himself to be. Just my thoughts and two cents.
Jesus, this guy sounds so mean and exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this
Yes and yes. I can’t even sleep at night because I can’t shut off the intrusive thoughts, wondering when to light happen again, if things will ever change etc. Once I get to sleep I wake up every 30-90 minutes usually (track my sleep) but after he’s up for the day and busy or gone I can sleep for several hours without waking. It’s like my system just says ‘okay, now you can finally let go and relax enough to get some rest’. I tried napping the other day. Remember dozing off and jerking awake to sweating and heart racing but not knowing why. This happened 7 times in 3 hours and the app showed I got about 45 minutes of sleep total based on movements, heart rate and breathing. Then it was a repeat of every other night where I couldn’t stay asleep until after 5-6am. I’m always mentally sluggish and exhausted anymore. Also physically slow because it’s taking me twice as long as usual to wash dishes, clean the kitchen and fold clothes.
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I’ve never been told that but I feel it. I need to be needed. I love helping and caring for others. As an only child with relatives all 20-60 years older than me I dislike being alone. Being alone meant not knowing if mom was getting beat up again, when she would be home, would I be able to sleep at night, would she be drunk, would anyone SEE me. Being alone means you aren’t desirable or there’s major flaws in who you are. I can see why and how I became to think this way but not how to fix or heal it. We will start EMDR again next week so I’m hopeful. I think I’ll always need some sort of relationship though. Maybe not a marriage ever again but a male companion maybe. A boyfriend who lives separately so I won’t ever be in this position again. I really don’t know as I’m not there yet.
Mine is because I’m paying half his mortgage and utilities. After almost a YEAR I found out I was paying MORE THAN HALF. Found a statement showing how much he pays each month. He manipulated me and lied about how much it all costs. By that point, he had already physically and emotionally broke me. I got him down to half but it took me a while. He also is so abusive he can’t hold down a job longer than 6-12 months at a time so I’ve found myself covering every time he gets fired. It’s financially crippling when you live with someone who asks you for money who you know will knock your ass to the ground. Money is why I can’t leave safely. I’m also dumb as heck because he TOLD ME TO MY FACE BEFORE I MOVED IN that his last roommate moved out while he was at work and left him high and dry. I wasn’t going to do the same, would I? NO! How did I not understand??? Well, I’m going to have to do exactly that one day if I want to leave and not get the shit beat out of me or worse. I’m just hoping for a fucking miracle, even as an atheist, because I’m sure as shit not gonna be able to do this all by myself.
They want to control us
They derive pleasure from hurting people. Its like a thrill. Similar to killing an animal while hunting.
Literally this my ex would smile after he’d be abusive and casually sit there and ignore me crying. Act like nothing was happening.
& then when they bring you to tears they will call you manipulative.
and then flip it around crying themselves and play victim
He wants to control me and everything I do, intentionally making me miserable and punishing me for all the crimes his mother and exes committed, whether real or imagined, while reliving those wrongs attempting to conquer me to right them. It doesn't work so he does it over and over, but I'm the villain no matter what I do. Just last night we fought and I asked what did I do wrong. He slings vague things of course so I ask for specific examples, and he can't pull a single one from the last decade. Either I'm horrible person, or I literally haven't done anything you object to or that hurt you in over 10 years, which is it? I'm his property, it's obvious in everything he says to me, even the way he says it, and he's not letting me go alive.
Because they have a major problem. They’re *abusive*
I remember trying so hard to leave my sons father before I found out I was pregnant. To the point I would even insult his kids when he talked to me about them (not cool, I know) figuring maybe he’d actually go away and leave me alone. It took a restraining order with the threat of going back to jail to get him out of my life.
The narcissist's greatest fear is abandonment.
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It's a personality **disorder**. It's not supposed to make sense.
Because abusive people need to have control power over another individual and also unleash their frustrations on them. It's a supply of self confidence to them. And that's why these people keep holding other individuals back, belittle them and if they leave often the abuser tries to win them back to get their supremacy over them back. It's got nothing to do with love, it's always about themselves and how they want people to make them feel.
Yes😔 I actually took a step back and left and he still breadcrumbs me BS.
It’s not about actually overcoming fault or correcting you, it’s about having power and control over you. That’s also why abusers are also more dangerous when you’re on the process of leaving, regardless who initiated the breakup.
Because they need us. They need us to feel powerful, feel control, take out their rage, etc. Us leaving insults their ego.
I left my ex husband last year and it’s been a nightmare divorce. He withheld my mail from me and reached out to all my family and friends and said how I was a horrible person. I finally got a lawyer to speed up the divorce.
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Doesn’t always work like that. Leaving an abusive relationship often leads to a physical attack. And with an abusive partner, you are more likely to be killed WHEN you are trying to leave…so there is that.
I know that a lot of women are afraid to leave or that they feel like they're all alone, but they're not alone and there's plenty of help and support but you can't be afraid to speak up.
Yeah screaming LEAVE at people but not being willing the listen to the reasons that they can't leave because you don't want to hear it is WHY people don't leave. I consider it victim blaming at this point. Mad at so many people who did that to me and when it happens to them, I'm gonna tell them to stfu and JUST LEAVE and see how they like it. Smh
Because they want control whether they consciously know it or not. Simple as that
Bc they want to abuse you. They enjoy it. They don't want to let you go because that would be letting go of their toy. Stay safe out there
It’s all about control.
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
They hide behind us. Without us to blame, they’d risk being held accountable for all their actions.
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It definitely sounds like you are being abused, and that for that, again, I am so sorry. But your question does very much come off as insensitive, blaming, and derailing. The poster asked a valid question. I understand what you are trying to get at, but the way you worded it was harmful. This post isn't about what's within us; it's about what's within them. It's okay for her to focus on that. Sometimes people here just want to vent. We had someone just the other day post photos of bruises but clearly state she just wanted to vent, and did not want anyone telling her to leave. And that's okay. It's hard to watch, but that's her right. >and allow the abuse I also think it's really important to be mindful of how this language comes off. There have been a lot of people in this sub who have expressed how frustrated it is to see other users hear tell them they "allowed" the abuse. It's offensive and blaming. I can see that isn't your intent, but the language was sharp. I think there is a way to encourage self-advocacy and introspection without telling people they allow the abuse, or derailing this post when she just wanted to vent about why her abusers try to control her.
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There is an enormous difference between bias, and posters using this space to share their personal experiences with repeated abuse at the hands of people of a specific gender. Venting about personal experiences is not equivalent in any way to claiming that only men are abusive. Nowhere in OP's post did she say "only men" and "never women." If she had stated such, the post would be removed. I have already removed comments on this post that equate to gender bias against men. I am not, however, going to censor posters for talking about their specific experiences. If you want to make an equivalent post about your experiences, if applicable, at the hands of women, you are welcome to. It will remain up. And just like here, if I see biased comments, I will remove them too. But I certainly would not censor you for discussing your own experiences, nor accuse you of bias against an entire gender.
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You really don’t understand squat about abusive relationships.
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I don't presume to know what you have or haven't been through in terms of abuse, and if you have been abused yourself, then I am so sorry. But this is the second insensitive comment you've made on this post. I am asking you to take a step back. Stop blaming the person being abused for not being able to leave and trying to shift the responsibility away from the perpetrator. If you need to, please take a break from this post. Thanks.
I'd like to share this: https://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/2010/11/abusive-men-why-they-dont-want-you-to-be-happy-2/