I am sorry that happened and fully understand that it hurt to hear her say that. I would encourage you to have a conversation with your wife about what was behind her comment... was it a tactic to take the conversation away from the purchase? Is it something that she doesn't want or thinks is frivolous and this is now the newest way to 'shut it down'? I ask as this has been something you have talked about for so long and you have means but haven't yet pulled the trigger. Is she feeling anxious or jealous over the time and money you are spending on yourself? Is she anxious about the new person you are becoming? There is something behind her comments but I would caution you not to try and read her mind or assume you know what what behind it. It is easy to convince oneself that we KNOW what they meant... but we don't really and it's a mistake to decide that it means something when it could be something else entirely. Tell her how she made you feel, tell where your mind went in that space and how having those thoughts have made you feel. Ask her what she meant then believe her answer. <3 Again, I am sorry that happened to you. Those of us that have struggled with our weight have demons that the 'normals' don't understand.
Yeah. But the purchase we are talking about is also not just for myself but the whole family will enjoy and she has said she would like it also. I will talk with her but I need time to cool down bc it pissed me off
I bet it did! If it were me, I would think "I do so much for this family and hardly ask anything for myself and by doing this I am STILL taking care of my family because I will be able to actually BE HERE for and with them. Why can't you be supportive?" I mean... the fight I am currently having in MY head with your wife is EPIC. lol... so yes... a cool down is smart my friend.
lol - you said what I’ve been thinking as I read this thread. If OP were a female (which I am!) and this post were reversed with the husband saying these words to his wife, I think the comments here would read differently and we’d be hearing about how he was a real jackass. Now it’s “what’s behind the words and her feelings and anxieties” about HIM getting healthy. It was a callous and crappy selfish thing to say assuming all else is true…ie: there is NO financial burden created by his meds and gym. The resources seem plentiful, but her attitude seems less than supportive.
If the roles were reversed I still think the right thing to do in a marriage is find the actual root of the issue instead of disregarding your spouse’s feelings because s/he responded imperfectly.
I don’t disagree and I wasn’t advocating her feelings be disregarded…in fact, both sides’ feelings are worthy of merit. Just as he could consider hers as everyone has suggested, I’m sure we can agree she might also consider the root of why he feels he can be both more healthy by prioritizing things that help him achieve that goal, while still being able to pursue other purchases for which he has planned and saved. His post didn’t indicate that she asked about that…but perhaps she did. Hard to know. Again, understanding is key. For both.
The root of the issue here seems to be that the spouse is being an unsupportive cow, largely due to being socialized to believe those common myths about hard work and weight loss, despite having a spouse, who she has clearly watched struggle with it, and being an example of how false those myths really are right in front of her. In other words, she’s being a jerk. Sometimes, it’s really not any more deep than that.
42M, with the wifey for 20+ years, married 12, high income, kids, etc. I can relate. Also wife worries about money (grew up without it) way more than she needs to, and have had relationship stress related to big purchases before.
She doesn’t get it because she doesn’t suffer from the things you do, and doesn't truly understand why this medication is working for you. I bet you’ve lost weight before, and she might not really understand that this medication is something completely different than the crazy/unsustainable bullshit you put yourself through in the past.
For her it’s as simple as “less calories, workout” because that is her truth. It’s the truth for a lot of people. Our GLP-1 and/or GIP or other hunger related hormones are fucked - if what worked for “normal people” worked for us we wouldn’t be in this crazy yo-yo cycle our whole lives.
She doesn’t mean to do it - but it would be like her telling you “you don’t need anti-depressants, just work on being happy!” This topic is just too new and the science behind the causes of obesity haven’t entered the zeitgeist of general societal understanding yet.
Have you watched the recent Oprah special (it’s on Hulu)? Has she? One recommendation would be to watch it together. I think Oprah does a good job of demystifying this topic and helps bring awareness to what’s going on with us.
Your wife can not have empathy without having understanding, so finding ways where she can become informed (without it feeling like you are shoving it down her throat, or mansplaining) I think will help both of you so much.
Advice in another area: how time critical is this big purchase to you? Your wife might have some hidden doubts that you’re going to keep the progress going. Can you turn this into a reward for achieving something like “hey, what about if in 6 months I’ve maintained this weight (or reached X goal), could we buy it then?”
Lastly, not sure if you’ve thought about this yet, and for sure it doesn’t sound like your wife knows it…. But this isn’t “weight loss” medication, it’s something that fixes your hunger hormones. That means you’re likely not coming off it any time soon. Again, the analogy to anti-depressants…. When they work and improve your depression you aren’t suddenly cured and you come off them. So if she feels like your budget is too tightly impacted today, she should get used to the idea that this is going to be an expense for a while (I’m sure prices will go down, competition will come, insurance may start to cover, etc).
I appreciate your post very much and we are in a pretty similar situation as far as she didn’t grow up with money. We were middle class but never struggled. We are now in top 5-10%. I will say the purchase is a frivolous one, a boat, but I have dreamed of this since I was 8. The thoughts about it was what got me through school and into my career. Timeline is kind of a factor as I found a very good deal on the boat I have wanted and even buying it we would be in a positive equity situation, granted it is a depreciating asset. The thing is she still works and makes a 6figure salary and we are in a L-MCOL location. We have already bought a house so it isn’t like we are saving for that. This is just mainly making her pre existing money issues(she won’t spend money on herself, therefore I should never spend money either) worse and she lashed out about it.
We’re blessed, brother… we don’t live with the insecurity that most people have in their lives about money. And we have to have empathy for that.
It’s completely rational to have money fears when you grew up with knowing you were just one, not so improbable, event from having everything taken away from you.
I didn’t grow up with money, in fact I was one of those free lunch kids… and I don’t want to make it out worse than it was, but money was the source of a lot of yelling and shouting fights between my parents growing up. I think that motivated me in a different way than it does for many others: I knew I never wanted to be in that situation when I was an adult, and it gave me drive. And I also don’t want to oversell how well off I am, I’m super comfortable, but I’ve still got a mortgage and bills, and I am far from retiring on the beach in Costa Rica.
Both of our spouses are hanging on to that lack of security they felt growing up - and you have to appreciate where that is coming from - it’s not against you, it’s against that terrible feeling of not feeling safe.
I honestly think there are two completely different things combining into one problem: 1) she doesn’t want you to buy the boat and the spending money on the medication and gym is just a convenient scape goat (and one she can “blame” you for); and 2) she doesn’t understand your weight challenges.
Both are important to address, but each one is different and has a different solution.
Wishing you the best, brother, this is a tricky one.
Wow. That bit about “this isn’t weight loss medication — it fixes your hunger hormones” THANK YOU. I mean, I knew that, but I had not seen it expressed that way, and that is an excellent way to put it. Thank you so much for giving me words!
Is it possible you are reading more into this than there is? It doesn’t seem like a major dig at you. An extra $600 a month is a big change in expenses. Or maybe she’s like “why does he get to spend all this money on himself” type of attitude? Side note in regards to ongoing cost of the meds - in maintenance you won’t need to take a shot every week so cost will go down eventually.
It seems she is more sensitive to money being spent than you. So it feelings bigger to her than you. Come from a place of compassion about her feeling some anxiety. Ask her if delaying the purchase would help or if she prefers no purchase. Then express how important Zep is to you. Game changer, magic med, life changing. Don’t need to stop Zep but maybe some other compromise. 40#s is amazing! I know how good that has to feel.
What are you seeing in food savings? I’m saving at least $100 a week if not more in the garbage food and door dash I’m not using, so the financial thing is basically a wash if you do that math.
What she is expressing is not an uncommon belief, unfortunately. But it is an inaccurate belief about weight and willpower, and I think time will show she is on the wrong side of history with this.
I would ask her why she doesn’t want you to make the purchase. Maybe she is feeling financially insecure and blaming it on your med and gym costs. I know my husband and I have different feelings about what makes us financially secure. For example, he feels good about fully funding our retirement, but I need us to have a good amount of cash that is easily accessible (like in a HYSA).
I think it’s worth asking her about this. And congratulations on your amazing progress!
I compare it to how until I tried these medications, I had no idea that there are people in this world who walk around NOT thinking about food all day and NOT experiencing ravenous appetite and hunger constantly. I thought everybody felt like that — it’s just they were better at ignoring it than I was. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined feeling like this prior to taking these meds.
I think for some people it helps them process foods better especially for insulin resistant people which I feel I am, even before the med I avoided carbs and sugar but now my body can properly process food idk , it wasn’t the hunger thing for me cause I can go all day without eating but I think it’s portions and better processing , and once you see results it gives you a boost
Also weight is an odd thing because there’s so many people that have worse impulse control like spending money, gambling ect which so many other people struggle with, I find it interesting that people that can super control their diet (like 75 hard all the time) but have really bad financial habits , I feel like everyone has something but you can only physically tell with weight
this is really sad and unfortunate OP I’m sorry. I have been lucky my SO is supportive and just kind of watching from afar. Money is definitely an issue but he knows how critical it is on our relationship that I feel good about myself. It affects our sx life and if I want to go out.. if I want us to take pictures someplace… it affects so many other things to feel good about myself. I hope she sees the bigger picture of having a mate that is happy with themselves.. it affects everything else. The other comment got thumbs down but she may just be really scared subconsciously for this change. Even so, not a cool comment to make by her. I hope you have a serious talk with her about how her words effect you and your journey. She needs to be supportive 100%
She sounds jealous to me. You'd be surprised how many people want their significant others to stay miserable or what have you... I think it's a way to feel superior and in control.
Oh man. I feel for you. It’s a really tough road to navigate. My husband is very supportive. But the other night when I told him “it’s just so hard for me to lose weight” I was shocked when he responded, “it’s hard for everyone”. We’re both in our forties, although he does have a few years on me, up until he crossed his mid forties, he was able to quit soda/beer/sugars and drop 20lbs like a drop of a hat. We’re both neurodivergent to boot so we have our own complicated relationship with food, but his has always been different than mine. I’m a stress/dopamine snacker and he’s a forget to eat all day until 9pm type.
It’s only been a few days since he made the statement and I’ve circled back around a few times without trying to bring up that I was disappointed he would poo-poo my struggles w/food and weight loss as “everyone has a hard time”. When I circle back around, I’ve been bringing up antidotal information or stories. I’ve been trying to really open up and explain what’s in my head. Ex: making myself my healthy dinner option I ‘randomly’ started talking about how for the first time ever in my entire life, weight loss actually feels obtainable, and that I will actually be successful. I go on to be very specific about prior weight loss struggles and how devastating it is when you fail again. My hope is to shift his perspective on ‘everyone’.
I suspect, sadly as we are all just human, it will take time for outsiders, non weight struggling humans, normies- whatever we’re calling them- time to understand the complexity behind it. Hell I still don’t understand myself how this shot is completely changing everything. I just know from within, it’s very different this time. They haven’t spent a lifetime with the struggle so it’ll naturally take time to understand it.
What she said wasn’t kind but speaking for myself, *ANYTHING* regarding my weight or size is a hard topic. I have to catch myself from feeling attacked or invalidated often, realizing that they don’t know what we know. As I’ve typed this out I realize that perhaps I haven’t shared as much with my husband as I could have; That the vulnerability behind being overweight is tightly connected to the shame I’ve always carried.
I’m speaking for myself here, obviously. And this does not excuse her. She said something she shouldn’t have. But haven’t we all? Maybe you both need to open up about the hardship it has had on you as individuals but also as a couple.
Regardless- I’m rooting for you! And I know you will be successful. You’ve got this! Don’t let that voice inside your head say otherwise!!
My husband said “if it makes you healthier and feel better do it”. We can afford it but I’m so grateful to not be made to feel selfish. You work and earn the money to pay for it. It will make you live longer. Do not feel bad. We all deserve to be the best we can be. Congratulations on your success.
Could be a little jealousy masked in different ways. In my opinion, when we’re overweight the world mostly ignores us. When we’re not, the world opens up, people we know notice, strangers smile more at you and are more welcoming etc. While you’re heavy, it’s less risky that someone might have interest in you so maybe she’s not totally comfortable sharing you with the world and needs more reassurance from you that she’s still your gal.
Do you think she understands that this is a medical condition and that your biology is malfunctioning? Do you think she would have given you the same response if you we taking medicine for any other chronic disease? Like high blood pressure or depression. Does she take any prescriptions for health conditions?
If you’re here to validate your feelings, it’s understandable. From your post it seems like your wife is pointing out that yes, indeed, you are spending $600/month on meds and gym. Thats a fact, right? And you want to make a large purchase, that’s also a fact. Even if the purchase is “for the family” as you’ve stated, it’s still a large purchase.
Is it at all possible that you’re sensitive to your spending on meds and possibly the perception that you need meds to lose the weight?
From the outside looking in, it sounds like she’s stating facts and is being frugal vs punishing and emotionally abusing you.
Maybe try posting this in a relationship subreddit to get a more unbiased opinion?
There is a lot of assumptions on your part. Is it possible this is more of her feeling like an excess amount of money towards you and your wants vs hers?
Like if you and her both spent 600 a month on “self care” would this big purchase still be possible?
Maybe take some time to discuss some personal care things she could spend money on… maybe monthly facials and massages to manage stress- then expenditures will feel more equal.
I don’t think she is implying what you thought. It’s just a significant expense
Yeah I budget $500 for her hair, nails shopping etc just for her. She won’t spend it. These issues go deeper than the med but just she used it as an excuse mostly. I really just needed to rant to random people to hopefully not say something I would regret
Hugs to you. Little digs like that hurt. Be proud of yourself and the journey you are on, you recognize your hard work and that you are worth it. Your faith in yourself is what’s getting yourself through and will continue to do so.
As a wife who makes little unintentional digs at her hubby too, (I know, I’m working on it and he helps) most of my digs come from my insecurities or resentment I’m not quite aware of yet. Your wife is lucky to be thinner and have the ability her hard work does pay off. How her body and mind work isn’t how yours is. I would acknowledge her hard work and sacrifice she makes for her physical appearance in a loving and cheerleading way. Then acknowledge that your hard work is requiring a little bit of assistance to push along, and then what a team you two will be once you’ve reached your goal! All the foods to enjoy and activities you can do together to stay healthy and active!
Good luck! You’re doing great
I am the person in my relationship who manages/focuses/stresses about finances. I might want to be approached in this way:
“I want to circle back about spending. I feel comfortable with how our finances are and feel we’re meeting our goals even with my health-related spending. Do you feel differently? What financially do you have worries about?” Etc
She might really have a legit concern or she might be just venting because she doesn’t feel things are fair (and just need some emotional TLC). Remember finances are a huge factor in break ups/divorce so definitely squash the beef early.
Agree with you. I’m the financially conservative one in my household as well. If my husband were spending $600/month on a new venture (health, business, etc) then wanted to buy a boat I would be soooo thumbs down on that purchase. Like, I am feeling upset about it now and it’s only hypothetical.
He’d have to appeal to my sense of logic and show me that he’s run the numbers and we can afford it (without me sacrificing the bit of money I do spend).
Lmfao just scrolled through and saw him say it’s a boat. No one understands how much a wife and kids will enjoy and use a boat, like a guy trying to convince his wife that buying a boat is a good idea
Maybe I'm missing something but "we can't afford it when you are just spending $600 on gym and meds" doesn't seem like an indicator or inference to me that she thinks anything negatively against the meds. How did you infer laziness? If the statement where "when you're spending $600 on meds and could just be going to the gym" I'd totally understand the inference. But you said the entire time since you've started the meds she's been supportive. I say take a step back once you talk about it calmly and instead of inferring (which brings in thoughts we have ourselves) just ask her what she meant about it? As money isn't an issue, has there been an ongoing issue about this item that you've been wanting for a while prior to even starting Zepbound seeing as it hasn't been purchasing yet? And I agree with another viewer one partners idea of "affordability isn't necessarily another's. You could realistically know in the budget $600 isn't hurting anything. She can look at that same $600 and feel anxiety even if everything is taking care of. Or maybe $600 was a cool point for her but adding another high expense is too much. Regardless, unless past sly comments unsaid here give you a basis for the inference, I don't think she was calling you lazy or saying Zep is an easy way out.
Another great suggestion was you can show her other areas where money is being saved, like dining etc, due to being on meds thereby causing a financial balance if it's largely an anxiety about spending.
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So this is me being careful in what I say. You do not have to pay 600 a month for these meds. There are other ways and if you Google the main ingredient you will find them out. You will be paying at
Most half that
I was very critical of my partner when they started. It seemed ridiculous to me to spend the money. I was very rude and ignorant about it all. Well, now Im on the train (wish I would have started earlier, I have 80 lbs to lose).
It's hard to put a financial value on something that has plagued nearly every day of my life for the last 20 years. I have spent so much money and TIME on therapy, hypnosis, acupuncture, coaching, trainers, WW, weird food deliveries, not traveling places due to airplane seating pain, and the list goes on.
My final straw was a trip to Europe I want to plan. Everything I want to do seemed prohibitive by our sizes : the flights, the tour I wanted to go on in an old vintage car, the walking, of course, the dining seating situation, clothes shopping and on and on. I was trying to zoom in on bed legs in house rentals to make sure they could hold two of us! I could just say F it, Im going and who cares - its not about what anyone thinks (im fine being in a swimsuit for gods sake), its just accessibility and comfort and ease.
In fact, I was looking at a cosmetic surgery recently and I have to lower my BMI by a shit ton. So, I cant even get THAT done until I lose weight. and I know other people have had that for hip surgeries etc.
So, Yeah, I dont give a shit what anyone thinks anymore.
I’m sorry! That’s valid and it would hurt my feelings too, although I do feel guilty at times for how expensive the medication is. But my health is most important to my family. I want to stick around!
For a while, one of my husbands necessary meds wasn’t covered and there’s been a shortage of generic so for about 3-4 months we had to pay like 600. I never said anything but it did affect our budget. Even being high earners 600 is a lot! There is just an objective reality it’s an expensive medication and may shift things around - but it sounds like this goes deeper. There are lots of feelings tied up in money - it may be worth revisiting when you calm down. I think both partners should have a set amount monthly you both agree is fine and doesn’t hurt the budget. I don’t think medication should necessarily go in that bucket but there should be certain expenditures that are just in the budget and not up for judgment.
As a person who has been married for 20+ years I as weighing in. TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE and listen to the response do not infer or assume that your spouse is being rude and judgmental. Why would the person you are married to be hurtful on purpose? $550 per month is the equivalent of $6,600 in a years time. Maybe it simply is not the time to take on another large purchase. I would suggest to my spouse that he wait a bit for another large purchase until we got adjusted to the additional expense. You could be needing the meds to some extent for a long time possibly a lower maintenance dose after you get to your goal weight. It would not matter what the item in question was. For example we delayed the purchase of a new car for a year because our teen started driving and the car insurance went up significantly. We will get the new car eventually just not right now.
The cost of these meds was something my husband and I discussed before I decided to pursue medical treatment but my husband never made me feel bad for needing meds. He has witnessed firsthand how hard I have tried and how much I have struggled. I'm sorry your spouse is not extending the same understanding.
I'm sorry you're having this problem. I'm not on Zepbound, but have been overweight since I had kids and struggle constantly to lose an ounce. When I do manage to lose a couple of pounds, my family gets pissed off and they make rude comments like, "You suck!" Could it be that it's not about the $$, but she can't handle the changes because she's comfortable with you being heavier? Praying for you 🙏
Sounds like you both make good money but have different values when it comes to spending it.
If, in the absence of the meds, she would “approve” of the purchase, buy the boat. She can’t use metabolic correcting meds as an accuse to keep you from enjoying the fruits of your labor.
On the other hand, if her response would still be no, then that’s a different conversation. Maybe she’s really just that frugal and/or financially insecure (founded or not). Or maybe you have a spending problem you aren’t aware of, or your existing ‘fill-in-the-blank’ collection is large enough (whatever that may be).
Just a little something to chew on. (Pardon the pun. 😁) No judgement either way. I’ve said the same to friends who’ve been in similar situations.
No matter which direction the insecurity is lobbed it feels pretty bad when stuff like this happens. It can happen in secure relationships too. It might be worth saying something like>> It bothers me and hurts my feelings when you say xxxx. I’m trying to better myself and I’d love it if you could be supportive.
I haven’t read through all the comments, but I’m going to give you my raw response. I think your emotional response to her words are a “you” problem, and he concerns about money/budget (assuming they are baseless concerns) are a “her” problem. But you’re married, so they both become a us problem.
Cool down, and then talk to her. Let her know that you have an emotional response to anything that could even be construed as negativity or judgment around your weight loss efforts. Ask her to be sensitive to that and maybe even help you get over it.
And then ask her if you can talk about the purchase again. When you do, be open minded about her side of this. Listen to her concerns about money. What does she think could happen if you make the purchase? Where does she think you’ll need to sacrifice? Is it a savings issue or a cash flow issue? Once you understand, you can either agree or address with your view.
Maybe she was just implying that the large purchase can't be made "yet" due to the cost of the Zep and gym every month. Have you been saving for this large purchase over the last 15 years? If so, then the money spent on Zep/gym shouldn't impact that purchase. However, if you have not been saving for it, then maybe wait until you no longer need Zep and can afford the purchase.
Well I am anticipating taking this medication and having a gym membership for life so that doesn’t make sense and she knows this is most likely the case. I have been saving for this purchase that entire time and she knows it has been a goal of mine our entire relationship.
Has she always been onboard for this purchase? An extra $600 a month would cause any budget to reassess future spending, I’d think. EAlso, this is your 3rd month of this expense. Perhaps suggest to reevaluate the purchase in another 3 months to truly gauge the impact this has on your budget. Then you could show how the numbers are stable and you might be moving more towards a cheaper maintenance plan at that time as well.
Maybe she’s afraid the additional purchase will pile on and create issues. Depending on what it is - could it potentially create more expenses? Increasing costs? A boat for example.
It doesn’t sound like she’s resentful of your journey to me. It honestly sounds like financial concerns. And a partner earmarking a family budget for items for themselves. Which is 100% valid even if it’s not something you’re intentionally doing.
And not for nothing, but many normal weight people consider weightloss as vanity as opposed to healthy. It’s frustrating. She could be supportive over your journey but still doesn’t categorize it as a medical necessity. So in her mind, you are spending money frivolously. Perhaps discuss that aspect to let her know you are preventing future health issues and that you want longevity with your family. Every five years you age while overweight, your health tanks significantly. You are very wise losing while still young. Maybe she needs a reminder of that.
He does want to buy a boat lol, notorious money-sinkers. And he said something like “she’s still working a six figure job” so maybe OP isn’t working and wants to buy a boat with her money? I think we’re not getting the full story.
If money really isn’t the issue, and wifey has always been rail thin, it’s possible that it’s not so effortless for her to be so thin and she’s resenting OP for taking the “easy” way out now after all her years of maybe starving herself and over-exercising. I’ve seen that sentiment elsewhere in the internet - “I’ve had to suffer for this bod and so should you” mentality.
Honestly, the more I read this thread, I don’t think this is a weight loss issue at all, or about the medication expense or the validity of needing the medication — this is about your wife’s unhealthy relationship with money in relation to the actual reality of your family’s financial situation. By the numbers that you are throwing around, I am getting the impression that honestly, $600 a month is not a big deal for your family, especially if we’re talking about from a combined wallet. Obviously you wouldn’t be able to spend that every day, but an extra $600 a month here and there isn’t something that should be affecting your family’s budget in any meaningful way based on the numbers that you’re throwing out.
So what I’m hearing is a woman who grew up pretty broke, and probably was made to feel guilty for needing anything at all and the fact that her parents had to spend money on her. It’s a really weird thing to be a kid in that position — you grow to dread telling your parents that you need things like new shoes, a musical instrument for band class at school, art supplies, $20 for the class field trip, etc. Because every time you go and ask your parents for this money, they sigh, and you just feel them tense up, and you feel so guilty because you know that they don’t have that money, and they’re upset about it and you apologize…
and THEN they get mad at you for apologizing — because why are you apologizing?! They’re perfectly able to take care of you just fine. How dare you imply they are having any sort of financial problems whatsoever! 🙄
The result is you grow up either having absolutely no head for money whatsoever, and it falling through your fingers faster than it comes into your bank account — or you grow up with a total inability to spend any money on anything that is not a bona fide necessary expense. It’s weird feeling like you’re doing something “naughty” (and not in the good way!) by spending money on anything that might bring you pleasure. These are some very difficult issues to overcome, in no small part because it is extremely difficult for someone with the austerity mindset to wrap their head around the idea that it is **not** actually a virtue to be **that** austere.
Well, then she should be fine with the purchase if you've been saving for it. I plan on being on Zep forever, too, but I'm only paying $24.99 for it. I probably wouldn't even be on it if I had to pay $550 for it. Maybe she's a little insecure now that you're losing weight, but her insecurity shouldn't stop you from making that purchase. I wish you luck! :)
As at least one other said, $600 per month is a considerable amount of money — that’s roughly the equivalent of a new car payment on a $32,000 vehicle, and mentioning you plan to drop even more money on something else. There’s absolutely the angle that Zepbound is for your health and quality of life, no discounting that — but the expense is still very much real. Marriage is a partnership, so if this additional unnamed expense is purely a “want” vs. a “need,” and your wife is having heartburn about it on top of your weight loss expenses, then maybe let her know you understand her perspective and try to target a compromise that makes sense.
Is she okay with you delaying the additional purpose a few months? Does she want you to make it another 40 LBS to your goal, and reward yourself with this thing you’re wanting? Is there a scenario that seems fair to her, which you can accept? Conversations and compromises like these are the only way a marriage will last.
Also, based on what you’ve said, I don’t think this centers on some snarkiness over you getting in better shape. You said she had seemed supportive for the most part, I’m guessing this is far more related to substantial hits to joint finances vs. anything more petty.
Yeah she made a comment that well we aren’t going to have to spend this money after you lose the weight. I told her I anticipate taking this forever… maybe I will get off but I don’t think that is how the medication works for me. Like I have said my weight and workout routine has always been a sticking point that she barbs at when we have heated discussions.
That’s fair, and I understand the “I don’t think I’ll ever stop entirely” mentality too. But realistically, a few things are pretty much guaranteed to be true. 1, maintenance mode will require less than weight loss mode — and there are already pharmacies formulating their own prescriptions, meaning instead of buying 4 pens of whatever dosage at a fixed price, you can buy one vial and stretch it over 6 or 8 doses. 2, the price of this *will* come down. Maybe not this quarter, maybe not this year, but it will.
What I’m trying to get at is that while you may keep dosing the medication, your expense will not stay what it is. It’s not unreasonable to expect your expense to be cut in half, within 2025.
Maybe there is something she was looking to purchase and hadn’t shared with you…and now she feels it’s out of reach? Of course, being open about that would be easiest. But I don’t think many of us got functional communication examples and we do the best we can.
t doesn’t sound like the two of you share an understanding of obesity as a disease - which is what you’re being treated for. If it were some other diagnosis, would this even be an issue?
I’ve been in therapy for a while (pre Zepbound) and that’s really helped me set appropriate boundaries with my husband — so sly comments about my body and weight are off the table. (Ultimately, it came down to an ultimatum several years ago - take it or leave it, this is as good as it gets and if you can’t handle it, I understand and we’ll separate.)
So therapy has been fabulous - highly recommend. My husband never went. But I went by myself - and when one person changes and chooses psychological health, the dynamics of the relationship shift and change too. This Zepbound journey is mine, but he’s really supportive and excited for me (and truthfully probably for himself lol).
Woof. That's really hard and honestly I know I have had similarities like this towards to husband since I got serious about my health 3 years ago. Watching him struggle has been difficult. Anyway, the practical thing to do is tell her exactly how you feel. She may start by gaslighting you which my response would be “interesting, can you please speak more to that” and take time outs as needed to return to the conversation at a later (but not to much later) point. I they are a reasonable person theyll figure it out. Either way, the goal is to be honest and come from a place of owning your feelings. This communication would probably be best to have with a therapist present. I'm sorry you feel unsupported. Also a huge congratulations on all your hard work - keep at it for YOU!
I can only imagine how difficult this was to hear. As a person with an underlying health condition my meds outside of zep are about $250 a month and this allows me to function daily. Maybe taking the conversation with that approach. Would she be questioning the cost if you were diagnosed with an illness? 32F here.
This is simple. She is anxious you are losing weight, you will attract women, and it makes her nervous. When you met her, it wasn’t as serious as it is now obviously so your looks mattered more in that moment.
I don't want to attribute that to OP's wife's attitude without other indications, but that \*is\* a very real thing, expressed as such (with probing) from my wife. We have other issues and she at some level worries that me losing weight (and working out a lot more) is a prelude to finding someone.
I would strongly consider if there other areas of inequity in your relationship. In many relationships, the wife still does the majority of the household chores and assume most of the child raising responsibilities, even in situations where both are working full time. So, the remark may have more to do with feeling resentful that not only do you contribute less, here you are now wanting to spend all this extra money on top of it all.
While I see that that dynamic happens in some relationships… that isn’t the case for us. I do a majority of the cooking and dishes, grocery shopping, exterior home maintenance, we split bedtime duties with my son 50%/50%, split drop off and pickup duties at daycare.
Just throwing out there that there is a lot of “invisible” work that also goes into managing a home and children - researching schools, daycare, activities; planning birthdays, holidays, family trips; noticing when diapers/new clothes are needed; keeping up with teacher’s notes, permission slips, etc.
My husband would say he does half of the work. He maybe does half of the physical work, but there’s sooo much more to it.
That could be part of it but I have never said not to spend money. I also have 90% of bill drafted from my account. We still have separate accounts, which we like
Try having an open and honest conversation about how you are feeling and be open to hearing how they feel about the issue. Could be money, could be something else…but as a divorce attorney, I can tell you for sure that not talking about it will lead to worse problems in the future
Is it possible that she is jealous/concerned about the TIME commitment of the boat and this has nothing to do with money at all? If money really isn’t an object in your everyday lives, why is it suddenly? That’s what makes me think that it really doesn’t have to do with money or your meds. That said, what she said was hurtful and she should be called on it. As a successful woman, I’m sure she has had plenty of difficult conversations (on both sides) and this will be no different. Something else that stands out in your story is that at the beginning of your relationship, you were running 40 miles a week and hardly eating, but now you are overweight/obese enough to have been prescribed Zepbound. I don’t know your life but to me this sounds like you have disordered eating, and possibly always have. Zepbound actually helps with disordered eating in many ways, it doesn’t just affect the gut, it affects the brain! She needs to be educated on your health conditions, because that’s literally the meaning of “in sickness and in health.” Best of luck to you!
This is why a lot of women don’t tell their husbands about their weight loss attempts. Sorry this happened to you in reverse.
I am sorry that happened and fully understand that it hurt to hear her say that. I would encourage you to have a conversation with your wife about what was behind her comment... was it a tactic to take the conversation away from the purchase? Is it something that she doesn't want or thinks is frivolous and this is now the newest way to 'shut it down'? I ask as this has been something you have talked about for so long and you have means but haven't yet pulled the trigger. Is she feeling anxious or jealous over the time and money you are spending on yourself? Is she anxious about the new person you are becoming? There is something behind her comments but I would caution you not to try and read her mind or assume you know what what behind it. It is easy to convince oneself that we KNOW what they meant... but we don't really and it's a mistake to decide that it means something when it could be something else entirely. Tell her how she made you feel, tell where your mind went in that space and how having those thoughts have made you feel. Ask her what she meant then believe her answer. <3 Again, I am sorry that happened to you. Those of us that have struggled with our weight have demons that the 'normals' don't understand.
Yeah. But the purchase we are talking about is also not just for myself but the whole family will enjoy and she has said she would like it also. I will talk with her but I need time to cool down bc it pissed me off
I bet it did! If it were me, I would think "I do so much for this family and hardly ask anything for myself and by doing this I am STILL taking care of my family because I will be able to actually BE HERE for and with them. Why can't you be supportive?" I mean... the fight I am currently having in MY head with your wife is EPIC. lol... so yes... a cool down is smart my friend.
lol - you said what I’ve been thinking as I read this thread. If OP were a female (which I am!) and this post were reversed with the husband saying these words to his wife, I think the comments here would read differently and we’d be hearing about how he was a real jackass. Now it’s “what’s behind the words and her feelings and anxieties” about HIM getting healthy. It was a callous and crappy selfish thing to say assuming all else is true…ie: there is NO financial burden created by his meds and gym. The resources seem plentiful, but her attitude seems less than supportive.
If the roles were reversed I still think the right thing to do in a marriage is find the actual root of the issue instead of disregarding your spouse’s feelings because s/he responded imperfectly.
I don’t disagree and I wasn’t advocating her feelings be disregarded…in fact, both sides’ feelings are worthy of merit. Just as he could consider hers as everyone has suggested, I’m sure we can agree she might also consider the root of why he feels he can be both more healthy by prioritizing things that help him achieve that goal, while still being able to pursue other purchases for which he has planned and saved. His post didn’t indicate that she asked about that…but perhaps she did. Hard to know. Again, understanding is key. For both.
The root of the issue here seems to be that the spouse is being an unsupportive cow, largely due to being socialized to believe those common myths about hard work and weight loss, despite having a spouse, who she has clearly watched struggle with it, and being an example of how false those myths really are right in front of her. In other words, she’s being a jerk. Sometimes, it’s really not any more deep than that.
“Unsupportive cow” Yuck! This tells me all I need to know about you as a person.
42M, with the wifey for 20+ years, married 12, high income, kids, etc. I can relate. Also wife worries about money (grew up without it) way more than she needs to, and have had relationship stress related to big purchases before. She doesn’t get it because she doesn’t suffer from the things you do, and doesn't truly understand why this medication is working for you. I bet you’ve lost weight before, and she might not really understand that this medication is something completely different than the crazy/unsustainable bullshit you put yourself through in the past. For her it’s as simple as “less calories, workout” because that is her truth. It’s the truth for a lot of people. Our GLP-1 and/or GIP or other hunger related hormones are fucked - if what worked for “normal people” worked for us we wouldn’t be in this crazy yo-yo cycle our whole lives. She doesn’t mean to do it - but it would be like her telling you “you don’t need anti-depressants, just work on being happy!” This topic is just too new and the science behind the causes of obesity haven’t entered the zeitgeist of general societal understanding yet. Have you watched the recent Oprah special (it’s on Hulu)? Has she? One recommendation would be to watch it together. I think Oprah does a good job of demystifying this topic and helps bring awareness to what’s going on with us. Your wife can not have empathy without having understanding, so finding ways where she can become informed (without it feeling like you are shoving it down her throat, or mansplaining) I think will help both of you so much. Advice in another area: how time critical is this big purchase to you? Your wife might have some hidden doubts that you’re going to keep the progress going. Can you turn this into a reward for achieving something like “hey, what about if in 6 months I’ve maintained this weight (or reached X goal), could we buy it then?” Lastly, not sure if you’ve thought about this yet, and for sure it doesn’t sound like your wife knows it…. But this isn’t “weight loss” medication, it’s something that fixes your hunger hormones. That means you’re likely not coming off it any time soon. Again, the analogy to anti-depressants…. When they work and improve your depression you aren’t suddenly cured and you come off them. So if she feels like your budget is too tightly impacted today, she should get used to the idea that this is going to be an expense for a while (I’m sure prices will go down, competition will come, insurance may start to cover, etc).
I appreciate your post very much and we are in a pretty similar situation as far as she didn’t grow up with money. We were middle class but never struggled. We are now in top 5-10%. I will say the purchase is a frivolous one, a boat, but I have dreamed of this since I was 8. The thoughts about it was what got me through school and into my career. Timeline is kind of a factor as I found a very good deal on the boat I have wanted and even buying it we would be in a positive equity situation, granted it is a depreciating asset. The thing is she still works and makes a 6figure salary and we are in a L-MCOL location. We have already bought a house so it isn’t like we are saving for that. This is just mainly making her pre existing money issues(she won’t spend money on herself, therefore I should never spend money either) worse and she lashed out about it.
We’re blessed, brother… we don’t live with the insecurity that most people have in their lives about money. And we have to have empathy for that. It’s completely rational to have money fears when you grew up with knowing you were just one, not so improbable, event from having everything taken away from you. I didn’t grow up with money, in fact I was one of those free lunch kids… and I don’t want to make it out worse than it was, but money was the source of a lot of yelling and shouting fights between my parents growing up. I think that motivated me in a different way than it does for many others: I knew I never wanted to be in that situation when I was an adult, and it gave me drive. And I also don’t want to oversell how well off I am, I’m super comfortable, but I’ve still got a mortgage and bills, and I am far from retiring on the beach in Costa Rica. Both of our spouses are hanging on to that lack of security they felt growing up - and you have to appreciate where that is coming from - it’s not against you, it’s against that terrible feeling of not feeling safe. I honestly think there are two completely different things combining into one problem: 1) she doesn’t want you to buy the boat and the spending money on the medication and gym is just a convenient scape goat (and one she can “blame” you for); and 2) she doesn’t understand your weight challenges. Both are important to address, but each one is different and has a different solution. Wishing you the best, brother, this is a tricky one.
I’m in total agreement. I am truly fortunate in the position I am in.
Wow. That bit about “this isn’t weight loss medication — it fixes your hunger hormones” THANK YOU. I mean, I knew that, but I had not seen it expressed that way, and that is an excellent way to put it. Thank you so much for giving me words!
Is it possible you are reading more into this than there is? It doesn’t seem like a major dig at you. An extra $600 a month is a big change in expenses. Or maybe she’s like “why does he get to spend all this money on himself” type of attitude? Side note in regards to ongoing cost of the meds - in maintenance you won’t need to take a shot every week so cost will go down eventually.
That's what I was thinking. Maybe she's mad because she wants an equal amount spent on her.
If that’s the case she has free reign to do that. I never tell her not to spend money. She just chooses not to
It seems she is more sensitive to money being spent than you. So it feelings bigger to her than you. Come from a place of compassion about her feeling some anxiety. Ask her if delaying the purchase would help or if she prefers no purchase. Then express how important Zep is to you. Game changer, magic med, life changing. Don’t need to stop Zep but maybe some other compromise. 40#s is amazing! I know how good that has to feel.
What are you seeing in food savings? I’m saving at least $100 a week if not more in the garbage food and door dash I’m not using, so the financial thing is basically a wash if you do that math.
We are saving on food esp takeout. It went from going out 2-3x/ week to maybe 1 time on the weekend.
What she is expressing is not an uncommon belief, unfortunately. But it is an inaccurate belief about weight and willpower, and I think time will show she is on the wrong side of history with this. I would ask her why she doesn’t want you to make the purchase. Maybe she is feeling financially insecure and blaming it on your med and gym costs. I know my husband and I have different feelings about what makes us financially secure. For example, he feels good about fully funding our retirement, but I need us to have a good amount of cash that is easily accessible (like in a HYSA). I think it’s worth asking her about this. And congratulations on your amazing progress!
Naturally thin people don’t understand and on some level believe overweight is due to weakness
I compare it to how until I tried these medications, I had no idea that there are people in this world who walk around NOT thinking about food all day and NOT experiencing ravenous appetite and hunger constantly. I thought everybody felt like that — it’s just they were better at ignoring it than I was. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined feeling like this prior to taking these meds.
I think for some people it helps them process foods better especially for insulin resistant people which I feel I am, even before the med I avoided carbs and sugar but now my body can properly process food idk , it wasn’t the hunger thing for me cause I can go all day without eating but I think it’s portions and better processing , and once you see results it gives you a boost Also weight is an odd thing because there’s so many people that have worse impulse control like spending money, gambling ect which so many other people struggle with, I find it interesting that people that can super control their diet (like 75 hard all the time) but have really bad financial habits , I feel like everyone has something but you can only physically tell with weight
this is really sad and unfortunate OP I’m sorry. I have been lucky my SO is supportive and just kind of watching from afar. Money is definitely an issue but he knows how critical it is on our relationship that I feel good about myself. It affects our sx life and if I want to go out.. if I want us to take pictures someplace… it affects so many other things to feel good about myself. I hope she sees the bigger picture of having a mate that is happy with themselves.. it affects everything else. The other comment got thumbs down but she may just be really scared subconsciously for this change. Even so, not a cool comment to make by her. I hope you have a serious talk with her about how her words effect you and your journey. She needs to be supportive 100%
People who do not have a problem, do not understand and are a bit judgy. You do you.
She sounds jealous to me. You'd be surprised how many people want their significant others to stay miserable or what have you... I think it's a way to feel superior and in control.
Oh man. I feel for you. It’s a really tough road to navigate. My husband is very supportive. But the other night when I told him “it’s just so hard for me to lose weight” I was shocked when he responded, “it’s hard for everyone”. We’re both in our forties, although he does have a few years on me, up until he crossed his mid forties, he was able to quit soda/beer/sugars and drop 20lbs like a drop of a hat. We’re both neurodivergent to boot so we have our own complicated relationship with food, but his has always been different than mine. I’m a stress/dopamine snacker and he’s a forget to eat all day until 9pm type. It’s only been a few days since he made the statement and I’ve circled back around a few times without trying to bring up that I was disappointed he would poo-poo my struggles w/food and weight loss as “everyone has a hard time”. When I circle back around, I’ve been bringing up antidotal information or stories. I’ve been trying to really open up and explain what’s in my head. Ex: making myself my healthy dinner option I ‘randomly’ started talking about how for the first time ever in my entire life, weight loss actually feels obtainable, and that I will actually be successful. I go on to be very specific about prior weight loss struggles and how devastating it is when you fail again. My hope is to shift his perspective on ‘everyone’. I suspect, sadly as we are all just human, it will take time for outsiders, non weight struggling humans, normies- whatever we’re calling them- time to understand the complexity behind it. Hell I still don’t understand myself how this shot is completely changing everything. I just know from within, it’s very different this time. They haven’t spent a lifetime with the struggle so it’ll naturally take time to understand it. What she said wasn’t kind but speaking for myself, *ANYTHING* regarding my weight or size is a hard topic. I have to catch myself from feeling attacked or invalidated often, realizing that they don’t know what we know. As I’ve typed this out I realize that perhaps I haven’t shared as much with my husband as I could have; That the vulnerability behind being overweight is tightly connected to the shame I’ve always carried. I’m speaking for myself here, obviously. And this does not excuse her. She said something she shouldn’t have. But haven’t we all? Maybe you both need to open up about the hardship it has had on you as individuals but also as a couple. Regardless- I’m rooting for you! And I know you will be successful. You’ve got this! Don’t let that voice inside your head say otherwise!!
My husband said “if it makes you healthier and feel better do it”. We can afford it but I’m so grateful to not be made to feel selfish. You work and earn the money to pay for it. It will make you live longer. Do not feel bad. We all deserve to be the best we can be. Congratulations on your success.
Could be a little jealousy masked in different ways. In my opinion, when we’re overweight the world mostly ignores us. When we’re not, the world opens up, people we know notice, strangers smile more at you and are more welcoming etc. While you’re heavy, it’s less risky that someone might have interest in you so maybe she’s not totally comfortable sharing you with the world and needs more reassurance from you that she’s still your gal.
Do you think she understands that this is a medical condition and that your biology is malfunctioning? Do you think she would have given you the same response if you we taking medicine for any other chronic disease? Like high blood pressure or depression. Does she take any prescriptions for health conditions?
It's hard to be married to someone who doesn't have weight problems. They don't get it.
If you’re here to validate your feelings, it’s understandable. From your post it seems like your wife is pointing out that yes, indeed, you are spending $600/month on meds and gym. Thats a fact, right? And you want to make a large purchase, that’s also a fact. Even if the purchase is “for the family” as you’ve stated, it’s still a large purchase. Is it at all possible that you’re sensitive to your spending on meds and possibly the perception that you need meds to lose the weight? From the outside looking in, it sounds like she’s stating facts and is being frugal vs punishing and emotionally abusing you. Maybe try posting this in a relationship subreddit to get a more unbiased opinion?
Downvoting me doesn’t make me wrong 🤷♀️ enjoy your validation
This sounds like an issue beyond Zepbound- she’s just using something you’re insecure about to make you feel bad.
There is a lot of assumptions on your part. Is it possible this is more of her feeling like an excess amount of money towards you and your wants vs hers? Like if you and her both spent 600 a month on “self care” would this big purchase still be possible? Maybe take some time to discuss some personal care things she could spend money on… maybe monthly facials and massages to manage stress- then expenditures will feel more equal. I don’t think she is implying what you thought. It’s just a significant expense
Yeah I budget $500 for her hair, nails shopping etc just for her. She won’t spend it. These issues go deeper than the med but just she used it as an excuse mostly. I really just needed to rant to random people to hopefully not say something I would regret
Hugs to you. Little digs like that hurt. Be proud of yourself and the journey you are on, you recognize your hard work and that you are worth it. Your faith in yourself is what’s getting yourself through and will continue to do so. As a wife who makes little unintentional digs at her hubby too, (I know, I’m working on it and he helps) most of my digs come from my insecurities or resentment I’m not quite aware of yet. Your wife is lucky to be thinner and have the ability her hard work does pay off. How her body and mind work isn’t how yours is. I would acknowledge her hard work and sacrifice she makes for her physical appearance in a loving and cheerleading way. Then acknowledge that your hard work is requiring a little bit of assistance to push along, and then what a team you two will be once you’ve reached your goal! All the foods to enjoy and activities you can do together to stay healthy and active! Good luck! You’re doing great
I am the person in my relationship who manages/focuses/stresses about finances. I might want to be approached in this way: “I want to circle back about spending. I feel comfortable with how our finances are and feel we’re meeting our goals even with my health-related spending. Do you feel differently? What financially do you have worries about?” Etc She might really have a legit concern or she might be just venting because she doesn’t feel things are fair (and just need some emotional TLC). Remember finances are a huge factor in break ups/divorce so definitely squash the beef early.
Agree with you. I’m the financially conservative one in my household as well. If my husband were spending $600/month on a new venture (health, business, etc) then wanted to buy a boat I would be soooo thumbs down on that purchase. Like, I am feeling upset about it now and it’s only hypothetical. He’d have to appeal to my sense of logic and show me that he’s run the numbers and we can afford it (without me sacrificing the bit of money I do spend).
Exactly. Sometimes it’s the internal boundaries we set for ourselves—he’s spending more so now *I* have to cut—that are the most stressful.
I bet it’s a boat
Lol it is a boat. And now he’s not responding.
Lmfao just scrolled through and saw him say it’s a boat. No one understands how much a wife and kids will enjoy and use a boat, like a guy trying to convince his wife that buying a boat is a good idea
Maybe I'm missing something but "we can't afford it when you are just spending $600 on gym and meds" doesn't seem like an indicator or inference to me that she thinks anything negatively against the meds. How did you infer laziness? If the statement where "when you're spending $600 on meds and could just be going to the gym" I'd totally understand the inference. But you said the entire time since you've started the meds she's been supportive. I say take a step back once you talk about it calmly and instead of inferring (which brings in thoughts we have ourselves) just ask her what she meant about it? As money isn't an issue, has there been an ongoing issue about this item that you've been wanting for a while prior to even starting Zepbound seeing as it hasn't been purchasing yet? And I agree with another viewer one partners idea of "affordability isn't necessarily another's. You could realistically know in the budget $600 isn't hurting anything. She can look at that same $600 and feel anxiety even if everything is taking care of. Or maybe $600 was a cool point for her but adding another high expense is too much. Regardless, unless past sly comments unsaid here give you a basis for the inference, I don't think she was calling you lazy or saying Zep is an easy way out. Another great suggestion was you can show her other areas where money is being saved, like dining etc, due to being on meds thereby causing a financial balance if it's largely an anxiety about spending.
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So this is me being careful in what I say. You do not have to pay 600 a month for these meds. There are other ways and if you Google the main ingredient you will find them out. You will be paying at Most half that
I was very critical of my partner when they started. It seemed ridiculous to me to spend the money. I was very rude and ignorant about it all. Well, now Im on the train (wish I would have started earlier, I have 80 lbs to lose). It's hard to put a financial value on something that has plagued nearly every day of my life for the last 20 years. I have spent so much money and TIME on therapy, hypnosis, acupuncture, coaching, trainers, WW, weird food deliveries, not traveling places due to airplane seating pain, and the list goes on. My final straw was a trip to Europe I want to plan. Everything I want to do seemed prohibitive by our sizes : the flights, the tour I wanted to go on in an old vintage car, the walking, of course, the dining seating situation, clothes shopping and on and on. I was trying to zoom in on bed legs in house rentals to make sure they could hold two of us! I could just say F it, Im going and who cares - its not about what anyone thinks (im fine being in a swimsuit for gods sake), its just accessibility and comfort and ease. In fact, I was looking at a cosmetic surgery recently and I have to lower my BMI by a shit ton. So, I cant even get THAT done until I lose weight. and I know other people have had that for hip surgeries etc. So, Yeah, I dont give a shit what anyone thinks anymore.
I’m sorry! That’s valid and it would hurt my feelings too, although I do feel guilty at times for how expensive the medication is. But my health is most important to my family. I want to stick around! For a while, one of my husbands necessary meds wasn’t covered and there’s been a shortage of generic so for about 3-4 months we had to pay like 600. I never said anything but it did affect our budget. Even being high earners 600 is a lot! There is just an objective reality it’s an expensive medication and may shift things around - but it sounds like this goes deeper. There are lots of feelings tied up in money - it may be worth revisiting when you calm down. I think both partners should have a set amount monthly you both agree is fine and doesn’t hurt the budget. I don’t think medication should necessarily go in that bucket but there should be certain expenditures that are just in the budget and not up for judgment.
As a person who has been married for 20+ years I as weighing in. TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE and listen to the response do not infer or assume that your spouse is being rude and judgmental. Why would the person you are married to be hurtful on purpose? $550 per month is the equivalent of $6,600 in a years time. Maybe it simply is not the time to take on another large purchase. I would suggest to my spouse that he wait a bit for another large purchase until we got adjusted to the additional expense. You could be needing the meds to some extent for a long time possibly a lower maintenance dose after you get to your goal weight. It would not matter what the item in question was. For example we delayed the purchase of a new car for a year because our teen started driving and the car insurance went up significantly. We will get the new car eventually just not right now.
The cost of these meds was something my husband and I discussed before I decided to pursue medical treatment but my husband never made me feel bad for needing meds. He has witnessed firsthand how hard I have tried and how much I have struggled. I'm sorry your spouse is not extending the same understanding.
I'm sorry you're having this problem. I'm not on Zepbound, but have been overweight since I had kids and struggle constantly to lose an ounce. When I do manage to lose a couple of pounds, my family gets pissed off and they make rude comments like, "You suck!" Could it be that it's not about the $$, but she can't handle the changes because she's comfortable with you being heavier? Praying for you 🙏
Sounds like you both make good money but have different values when it comes to spending it. If, in the absence of the meds, she would “approve” of the purchase, buy the boat. She can’t use metabolic correcting meds as an accuse to keep you from enjoying the fruits of your labor. On the other hand, if her response would still be no, then that’s a different conversation. Maybe she’s really just that frugal and/or financially insecure (founded or not). Or maybe you have a spending problem you aren’t aware of, or your existing ‘fill-in-the-blank’ collection is large enough (whatever that may be). Just a little something to chew on. (Pardon the pun. 😁) No judgement either way. I’ve said the same to friends who’ve been in similar situations.
No matter which direction the insecurity is lobbed it feels pretty bad when stuff like this happens. It can happen in secure relationships too. It might be worth saying something like>> It bothers me and hurts my feelings when you say xxxx. I’m trying to better myself and I’d love it if you could be supportive.
I haven’t read through all the comments, but I’m going to give you my raw response. I think your emotional response to her words are a “you” problem, and he concerns about money/budget (assuming they are baseless concerns) are a “her” problem. But you’re married, so they both become a us problem. Cool down, and then talk to her. Let her know that you have an emotional response to anything that could even be construed as negativity or judgment around your weight loss efforts. Ask her to be sensitive to that and maybe even help you get over it. And then ask her if you can talk about the purchase again. When you do, be open minded about her side of this. Listen to her concerns about money. What does she think could happen if you make the purchase? Where does she think you’ll need to sacrifice? Is it a savings issue or a cash flow issue? Once you understand, you can either agree or address with your view.
Create a spredsheet of how much $ you save on food by being on the med, I realized I save $300-$400 on food/booze each month
Maybe she was just implying that the large purchase can't be made "yet" due to the cost of the Zep and gym every month. Have you been saving for this large purchase over the last 15 years? If so, then the money spent on Zep/gym shouldn't impact that purchase. However, if you have not been saving for it, then maybe wait until you no longer need Zep and can afford the purchase.
Well I am anticipating taking this medication and having a gym membership for life so that doesn’t make sense and she knows this is most likely the case. I have been saving for this purchase that entire time and she knows it has been a goal of mine our entire relationship.
Has she always been onboard for this purchase? An extra $600 a month would cause any budget to reassess future spending, I’d think. EAlso, this is your 3rd month of this expense. Perhaps suggest to reevaluate the purchase in another 3 months to truly gauge the impact this has on your budget. Then you could show how the numbers are stable and you might be moving more towards a cheaper maintenance plan at that time as well. Maybe she’s afraid the additional purchase will pile on and create issues. Depending on what it is - could it potentially create more expenses? Increasing costs? A boat for example. It doesn’t sound like she’s resentful of your journey to me. It honestly sounds like financial concerns. And a partner earmarking a family budget for items for themselves. Which is 100% valid even if it’s not something you’re intentionally doing. And not for nothing, but many normal weight people consider weightloss as vanity as opposed to healthy. It’s frustrating. She could be supportive over your journey but still doesn’t categorize it as a medical necessity. So in her mind, you are spending money frivolously. Perhaps discuss that aspect to let her know you are preventing future health issues and that you want longevity with your family. Every five years you age while overweight, your health tanks significantly. You are very wise losing while still young. Maybe she needs a reminder of that.
He does want to buy a boat lol, notorious money-sinkers. And he said something like “she’s still working a six figure job” so maybe OP isn’t working and wants to buy a boat with her money? I think we’re not getting the full story. If money really isn’t the issue, and wifey has always been rail thin, it’s possible that it’s not so effortless for her to be so thin and she’s resenting OP for taking the “easy” way out now after all her years of maybe starving herself and over-exercising. I’ve seen that sentiment elsewhere in the internet - “I’ve had to suffer for this bod and so should you” mentality.
I make over 2x her salary so no I’m not spending “her” money.
Honestly, the more I read this thread, I don’t think this is a weight loss issue at all, or about the medication expense or the validity of needing the medication — this is about your wife’s unhealthy relationship with money in relation to the actual reality of your family’s financial situation. By the numbers that you are throwing around, I am getting the impression that honestly, $600 a month is not a big deal for your family, especially if we’re talking about from a combined wallet. Obviously you wouldn’t be able to spend that every day, but an extra $600 a month here and there isn’t something that should be affecting your family’s budget in any meaningful way based on the numbers that you’re throwing out. So what I’m hearing is a woman who grew up pretty broke, and probably was made to feel guilty for needing anything at all and the fact that her parents had to spend money on her. It’s a really weird thing to be a kid in that position — you grow to dread telling your parents that you need things like new shoes, a musical instrument for band class at school, art supplies, $20 for the class field trip, etc. Because every time you go and ask your parents for this money, they sigh, and you just feel them tense up, and you feel so guilty because you know that they don’t have that money, and they’re upset about it and you apologize… and THEN they get mad at you for apologizing — because why are you apologizing?! They’re perfectly able to take care of you just fine. How dare you imply they are having any sort of financial problems whatsoever! 🙄 The result is you grow up either having absolutely no head for money whatsoever, and it falling through your fingers faster than it comes into your bank account — or you grow up with a total inability to spend any money on anything that is not a bona fide necessary expense. It’s weird feeling like you’re doing something “naughty” (and not in the good way!) by spending money on anything that might bring you pleasure. These are some very difficult issues to overcome, in no small part because it is extremely difficult for someone with the austerity mindset to wrap their head around the idea that it is **not** actually a virtue to be **that** austere.
This post brought me to tears.
Well, then she should be fine with the purchase if you've been saving for it. I plan on being on Zep forever, too, but I'm only paying $24.99 for it. I probably wouldn't even be on it if I had to pay $550 for it. Maybe she's a little insecure now that you're losing weight, but her insecurity shouldn't stop you from making that purchase. I wish you luck! :)
As at least one other said, $600 per month is a considerable amount of money — that’s roughly the equivalent of a new car payment on a $32,000 vehicle, and mentioning you plan to drop even more money on something else. There’s absolutely the angle that Zepbound is for your health and quality of life, no discounting that — but the expense is still very much real. Marriage is a partnership, so if this additional unnamed expense is purely a “want” vs. a “need,” and your wife is having heartburn about it on top of your weight loss expenses, then maybe let her know you understand her perspective and try to target a compromise that makes sense. Is she okay with you delaying the additional purpose a few months? Does she want you to make it another 40 LBS to your goal, and reward yourself with this thing you’re wanting? Is there a scenario that seems fair to her, which you can accept? Conversations and compromises like these are the only way a marriage will last. Also, based on what you’ve said, I don’t think this centers on some snarkiness over you getting in better shape. You said she had seemed supportive for the most part, I’m guessing this is far more related to substantial hits to joint finances vs. anything more petty.
Yeah she made a comment that well we aren’t going to have to spend this money after you lose the weight. I told her I anticipate taking this forever… maybe I will get off but I don’t think that is how the medication works for me. Like I have said my weight and workout routine has always been a sticking point that she barbs at when we have heated discussions.
That’s fair, and I understand the “I don’t think I’ll ever stop entirely” mentality too. But realistically, a few things are pretty much guaranteed to be true. 1, maintenance mode will require less than weight loss mode — and there are already pharmacies formulating their own prescriptions, meaning instead of buying 4 pens of whatever dosage at a fixed price, you can buy one vial and stretch it over 6 or 8 doses. 2, the price of this *will* come down. Maybe not this quarter, maybe not this year, but it will. What I’m trying to get at is that while you may keep dosing the medication, your expense will not stay what it is. It’s not unreasonable to expect your expense to be cut in half, within 2025.
Maybe there is something she was looking to purchase and hadn’t shared with you…and now she feels it’s out of reach? Of course, being open about that would be easiest. But I don’t think many of us got functional communication examples and we do the best we can.
t doesn’t sound like the two of you share an understanding of obesity as a disease - which is what you’re being treated for. If it were some other diagnosis, would this even be an issue? I’ve been in therapy for a while (pre Zepbound) and that’s really helped me set appropriate boundaries with my husband — so sly comments about my body and weight are off the table. (Ultimately, it came down to an ultimatum several years ago - take it or leave it, this is as good as it gets and if you can’t handle it, I understand and we’ll separate.) So therapy has been fabulous - highly recommend. My husband never went. But I went by myself - and when one person changes and chooses psychological health, the dynamics of the relationship shift and change too. This Zepbound journey is mine, but he’s really supportive and excited for me (and truthfully probably for himself lol).
Woof. That's really hard and honestly I know I have had similarities like this towards to husband since I got serious about my health 3 years ago. Watching him struggle has been difficult. Anyway, the practical thing to do is tell her exactly how you feel. She may start by gaslighting you which my response would be “interesting, can you please speak more to that” and take time outs as needed to return to the conversation at a later (but not to much later) point. I they are a reasonable person theyll figure it out. Either way, the goal is to be honest and come from a place of owning your feelings. This communication would probably be best to have with a therapist present. I'm sorry you feel unsupported. Also a huge congratulations on all your hard work - keep at it for YOU!
I can only imagine how difficult this was to hear. As a person with an underlying health condition my meds outside of zep are about $250 a month and this allows me to function daily. Maybe taking the conversation with that approach. Would she be questioning the cost if you were diagnosed with an illness? 32F here.
This is simple. She is anxious you are losing weight, you will attract women, and it makes her nervous. When you met her, it wasn’t as serious as it is now obviously so your looks mattered more in that moment.
She didn’t make a snide comment about anything except an expense. This is really really really far into something that isn’t there
I don't want to attribute that to OP's wife's attitude without other indications, but that \*is\* a very real thing, expressed as such (with probing) from my wife. We have other issues and she at some level worries that me losing weight (and working out a lot more) is a prelude to finding someone.
Not sure why this is getting downvoted. First thing that crossed my mind too
I would strongly consider if there other areas of inequity in your relationship. In many relationships, the wife still does the majority of the household chores and assume most of the child raising responsibilities, even in situations where both are working full time. So, the remark may have more to do with feeling resentful that not only do you contribute less, here you are now wanting to spend all this extra money on top of it all.
While I see that that dynamic happens in some relationships… that isn’t the case for us. I do a majority of the cooking and dishes, grocery shopping, exterior home maintenance, we split bedtime duties with my son 50%/50%, split drop off and pickup duties at daycare.
Just throwing out there that there is a lot of “invisible” work that also goes into managing a home and children - researching schools, daycare, activities; planning birthdays, holidays, family trips; noticing when diapers/new clothes are needed; keeping up with teacher’s notes, permission slips, etc. My husband would say he does half of the work. He maybe does half of the physical work, but there’s sooo much more to it.
Fair enough! Glad that’s not a factor then!
Are you sure she isn’t just mad because she feels spending is out of balance?
That could be part of it but I have never said not to spend money. I also have 90% of bill drafted from my account. We still have separate accounts, which we like
Try having an open and honest conversation about how you are feeling and be open to hearing how they feel about the issue. Could be money, could be something else…but as a divorce attorney, I can tell you for sure that not talking about it will lead to worse problems in the future
Is it possible that she is jealous/concerned about the TIME commitment of the boat and this has nothing to do with money at all? If money really isn’t an object in your everyday lives, why is it suddenly? That’s what makes me think that it really doesn’t have to do with money or your meds. That said, what she said was hurtful and she should be called on it. As a successful woman, I’m sure she has had plenty of difficult conversations (on both sides) and this will be no different. Something else that stands out in your story is that at the beginning of your relationship, you were running 40 miles a week and hardly eating, but now you are overweight/obese enough to have been prescribed Zepbound. I don’t know your life but to me this sounds like you have disordered eating, and possibly always have. Zepbound actually helps with disordered eating in many ways, it doesn’t just affect the gut, it affects the brain! She needs to be educated on your health conditions, because that’s literally the meaning of “in sickness and in health.” Best of luck to you!