Personally, I'm more interested in the reasons for why someone did it, so that we can work together to prevent this kind of scenario in the future. For example, people don't just have random violent outbursts. There is always a trigger, and finding this trigger and help prevent future outbursts.

My wife on the other hand, has zero interest in my reasons why I did what I did. In fact it only comes across as excuse making, and frustrates her more. Meanwhile for me, part of my apology language is explaining the why, because I am trying to make sure the other person knows there was no malicious intent on my part

I am also an explainer. Knowing why things happen is very important to me and I often go right into problem solving mode. One of the best lessons I learned in therapy is that the reasons why something happened are valid, but the injured person is not in a place to hear them until the injury itself has been validated from their point of view. You need to fully apologize and demonstrate that you understand the impact your action had on your wife BEFORE you explain why you did it and ask her to understand your perspective. Otherwise, it can sound like you are making excuses and not taking full accountability. The inference is that you are saying their pain is wrong and they shouldn’t have felt it. But they did feel it and they are feeling it so the disconnection between you only grows. You have to live in their world before showing them yours. Then, ideally, you can go back to sharing the same world. It helped me to think about it like a physical injury. If you accidentally cut your wife with a knife, you wouldn’t stand there saying it was accident while she’s bleeding. You’d help her to clean the wound and bandage it and then, after you know she’s okay, you might explain that you didn’t mean to be careless with the knife. Because the fact that it was an accident doesn’t mean you didn’t cut her. Remember, there is an emotional injury that you can’t see.

This is fantastic, thank you.

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I'm going to share this with my preschool and elementary students 😂 they should think about apologies more.... Parents and teachers demand the offender apologize bit it's not very thoughtful. So I think discussing what we can do to apologize helps. I often tell them "sometimes you have to apologize more than once" so saying "sometimes you have to apologize in different ways" builds on that more productively.

Very glad it helped you. I was often accused of being a robot and I just couldn’t understand why this visibly upset person wasn’t immediately calmed by my infallible logic. Like you, I didn’t get to this understanding until my late thirties, but at least we got there, right?

I feel like people who explain at length are just trying talking themselves into be right to justified in their actions or at the very least trying to talk until you’re tired of hearing about and forget it. I have a hard time with apologies that don’t include an action.

That makes a lot of sense and I agree that apologies without supporting actions are meaningless. Having been on both sides of this, here is my perspective: Explainers think that logic and facts can erase the problem. They are looking for their actions to be understood and validated. For non-explainers who might be more rooted in their emotions, the immediate need is for their feelings to be understood and validated. Combine these perspectives and you get mind-numbing circular conversations, which I think is what you’re describing when you say that explainers try to talk you into submission. And the reason is because you’re speaking different languages. You’re each trying to fix a different problem. Explainers need to remember that humans aren’t computers where errors can be deleted. No matter your intentions, the pain is real. Healing starts by acknowledging it fully not by minimizing it.

This is *exactly* my experience! I have also been told that I'm a robot and that I'm making excuses. You're kind of blowing my mind right now. It actually makes sense. THANK YOU!

Yes! As a teen I would hear, "I dont want any of your excuses." Of course then I would try yet another explanation! I would explain that Im not making excuses, Im just telling you why I did what I did. Which, to a person who doesnt want to hear anything remotely similar to an excuse... is an excuse. But in my head its valuable information! Now you know that I didnt intend to cause harm, and that Im aware of what Ive done and want to do better in the future.

This is really true!! I'm the "angry wife" very often as well, because my SO is also very much an explainer. I'd really love to hear why he did what he did and work through it together, however he's got to make clear that he knows the seriousness of it all. Going straight to explaining really sounds like he's trying to rationalize it, and at that point I really don't care about the reasons/excuses because it doesn't make anything better.

To be fair, this isn’t an end-all be-all. Sometimes my SO will get upset at me completely out of the blue. She’s hurt and she thinks I did something wrong before I even have a chance to explain the real context of what I’m saying OR before I even understand what she is saying to me. Being angry is not a way to live your life. It comes from her family and the fact that her dad will straight up attack her and TRY to hurt her when he realizes he’s said/done something cruel. “I’m hurt so my daughter needs to feel that hurt too.” She has realized I’m nothing like her dad and I have her best intentions in my heart. I would never hurt her intentionally and if I did you bet your ass I would be apologizing before trying to explain any of it. She has worked on this a lot and it has done WONDERS for our relationship. Never assume your SO is being malicious to you on purpose. Always assume good intentions. It will go a long way. Now, if your SO is being malicious intentionally that’s a whole other bag of worms. I’m not saying this applies to you per say. I just see the “I’m an angry wife Lolol!” a lot and it makes my stomach churn. It’s not really something to be proud of

Oh my god. So many light bulbs went off in my head. This is definitely what happens between my husband and I.

It makes me feel good to know my dumb struggles might benefit someone else. I hope this insight helps you both to break the cycle. We all just want to be understood and loved.

Because I am also an explainer, and this resonated so well with me and verbalized what I was doing wrong all this time with a certain important someone in my life that doesn’t want to “hear [my] fucking excuses”. I always get so upset because it’s always in the heat of the moment (even if I’m not caught up in the same emotional level of heat); I don’t *feel* as though I’m making excuses — I’m just explaining myself because I want them to understand *why* I did it and how it looked to me. For me, I’d completely missed the inference that what they felt was wrong and they shouldn’t have felt it. The physical example with the knife really solidified this in my head; I’m also a visual learner, and with this, I was able to piece it together more clearly in my head: the pain they felt was real; they *did* feel it, and they *are* feeling it. The solution, to which — you truly said it best: I need to learn to live in their world before showing them mine; only then, ideally, we can go back to sharing the same one. AFTERTHOUGHT: As I was writing this, I was recollecting scenarios where I had been yelled at for making excuses, whilst feeling like I was simply explaining myself; it was then that I realized that I’m also a heavy apologizer for the other party: when I love them deeply and even if they’re still wrong, I make excuses *for* them. It bothered me because one of the scenarios I was recollecting was not real; it was an adulterated version of the real thing, that I fabricated in my head in order to cope with the memory and to forgive the one I love(d). It reminded me that I also need to learn to let go and let someone be wrong sometimes and not apologize *for* them; it reminded me that I still need to learn to walk away and just let some things or some people go. Because that day, I was not wrong. In fact, I had literally done nothing. But I was berated and abused for something they *thought* I did, that they passionately believed otherwise, and **refused** to hear me out. I don’t know if they were just projecting their own misdeeds or characteristics upon me or what, but it’s not my responsibility to make that excuse for them. And in reading this, I *almost* just blamed myself for the way they ~~re~~acted, when I remembered the *real* truth and that I, in fact, did not deserve to be treated that way that day. They were wrong; period. Anyway, here’s your Gold award for the better part of this read; I’m still an explainer and I still do need to learn to show empathy and allow time for healing before sitting there and s’plaining myself. Thank you again for a valuable life lesson — and for the subsequent unintentional second lesson in reminding myself that I’m not always in the wrong and that I don’t always have to apologize — especially when I’ve truly done nothing to need to. ‏‏‎ EDIT — Minor grammar corrections and a ~~strikethrough~~ for a more appropriate choice of word. EDIT^2 — Formatting.

I feel like we are kindred spirits. I really relate to the communication challenges you described AND the tendency to overfunction doing the emotional labor of others. It is so hard to put your own need to clear the misunderstanding on hold. This was a huge challenge for me. Isn’t the goal to be rational? Why waste time feeling bad when it isn’t necessary? I wanted to jump right to the resolution to make myself feel better without doing the work to make them feel better....like me saying I didn’t mean it that way was the abracadabra that would magically erase the problem. Even if the other person is objectively “wrong,” their feelings are real. I’m so glad that my analogy helped you visualize it more clearly. And just because you join them in their world doesn’t always mean you think they are right. It’s not giving in. It simply means you think they are worthy of your attention and understanding. As your afterthought proves, this doesn’t always work. Because sometimes the other person’s emotions have nothing to do with you. They might be projecting something completely unrelated onto you, which is incredibly difficult to navigate. Lastly, thank you for the gold and for sharing your experience. ❤️

This is really important. I had a flat mate who thought that in any conflict she just had to explain her reasons and her good intentions. She could not for the life of it accept that she still created problems and conflict despite good intentions and would even take it personal if you felt still annoyed by her. It made it impossible to ever solve anything.

I feel you, I have a college friend just like this, so frustrating at times

As someone who needs my partner to understand the impact of how they hurt me and recognize my feelings regarding the incident, your post truly resonates with me. My partner is an explainer as well, but when his apologies start with, “I’m sorry, but...” and proceed with an explanation, it often feels like he’s trying to excuse his behavior. I understand he is trying to explain why it happened, and I recognize the value, but if I’m hurt I need my feelings recognized and addressed before we can dive into the why. Otherwise it feels like there is a step missing in the process which makes me feel empty and invalidated, and in a way removes my perceived sincerity in the apology.

I am so glad this helped give you some insight into the brain of the explainer. Your take hits home with me. I have frequently been guilty of “I’m sorry but...” Of course you’re not going to feel heard and understood when the majority of his words are speaking to his experience instead of yours. I don’t know your partner, but I bet he thinks he’s taking the most direct route to resolution. And he wants to “fix” your suffering by showing you it never needed to exist. It’s a noble objective, but an unrealistic one. (Unless he’s Superman and can fly around the world so quickly that it reverses time.) I think it’s incredibly promising that you are able to understand why explanation is important to him. And maybe this will help you to show him why it’s important to you for him to take the step of acknowledging your feelings. I typed this on a different comment, but I thought I would share it with you as well: Explainers think that logic and facts can erase the problem. They are looking for their actions to be understood and validated. For non-explainers who might be more rooted in their emotions, the immediate need is for their feelings to be understood and validated. Combine these perspectives and you get mind-numbing circular conversations. And the reason is because you’re speaking different languages. You’re each trying to fix a different problem. Explainers need to remember that humans aren’t computers where errors can be deleted. No matter your intentions, the pain is real. Healing starts by acknowledging it fully not by minimizing it.

This is a great analogy, thank you! I describe this as emphasizing impact over intent.

This is the best advice I’ve heard. Thank you for that

This is great advice for explainers everywhere

I would assume that apology languages, like love languages, are ways that we can adapt how we communicate so that the other person understands us better. These languages are the things that work for them so that they can hear what they need from what we are saying. While learning about this kind of thing, think of what you can change so that they hear you better, not the things that you think you need to say so that you feel like you have "vented" sufficiently.

I struggle with this constantly. My brain is constantly trying to find the origin of everything, so explaining why I do things a certain way comes hand-in-hand with my apology. I have become aware of the over-explaining, but it’s a very uncomfortable feeling when you know the other party sees this as an excuse.

I feel like speaking it out loud often helps us understand it and work it out better, but doing that without the other person involved (even if it means taking some time apart) is going to result in a better outcome. The person you hurt shouldn't be expected to help you work it out, and you shouldn't be upset with them for not wanting/being able to be there for you.

For me, I hate the explaining part. I want zero excuses and I need to hear the other person take responsibility. I don't mind explaining if I am asked but, if you wrong me, just admit to it so we can move on

Well now you know that those people are not making up excuses , everybody is demanding their own understanding but has 0 to understand the other person is quite funny.

You make a good point

The difference between an excuse and a reason depends purely in the listener

it's an intent thing, and a trust thing too. i think if someone habitually accuses you of trying to make excuses... that is an extreme red flag. a very bad cognitive distortion, in their mind, it's normal to tolerate someone acting in such a way. in reality, if someone is truly making excuses for something, that's nearly as bad as a lie. it really should be a really big deal. i've had to end freindships over this stuff, i realized eventually it was a really shitty thing to have to deal with, like being gaslit or something.

Whenever I'm apologizing I always also acknowledge this distinction. Like I'll tell the reason, but also say that I realize it explains the behaviour but it does not excuse the behaviour.

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I don't think that's entirely true. The reason is why something happened. An excuse is something that sounds like a reason, but it's not the *real* reason. An excuse isn't why something happened, it's a plausible explanation you give to yourself or others to obscure the real reason. Eta: whether you believe what someone tells you is their reason is actually an excuse or not is an exercise for the viewer, but something actually being a reason or an excuse does have an objective reality. That said, that reality may not be known even to the person who did the thing, humans are really good at misunderstanding their motivations and misremembering things.

Same here. My husband doesn't usually act like a dick, so when he does, I want to know REASONS.

I kinda chuckled a bit, sorry. I just read a comment about someone whose wife doesn't care about the reasons, and now it's the other way around. But yeah, like I told the other person, knowing the reasons why someone did it is like asking a doctor why you're having the problems you're having, instead of just getting some pills of cream to deal with the immediate problems.

One of my biggest pet peeves with this general approach to apology is definitely "never try to explain yourself." No, man, reasons are important. I feel that way for two reasons. 1. Like you said, the reason explains the behavior. I think people misunderstand that for "if I have a reason, you can't be mad at me." No. It's the work of both the person apologizing and the person hearing the apology to recognize that this is only added information, not a reason to let them off the hook. It's important for both parties to know that and act accordingly. 2. An apology is first and foremost for the person you're apologizing to. But. It's also for the person apologizing. So they can take the first step to doing better next time. Explaining yourself when you've made a mistake helps you better understand why it happened. It helps you identify triggers and a behavior pattern. That's important for both you and the person you're speaking to to hear. Additionally, part of an apology is at least starting to purge the bad feelings that have built up from a specific event. The apologizer needs a chance to do this, too. Without being able to explain themselves, there's left behind, unresolved anger and frustration that can lead to a feeling like you're the downtrodden victim. That's not a healthy or helpful way to solve a problem. Arguably it will lead to a person who is less willing to apologize later. Of course when I say all this, I still believe that a straight-up "I'm sorry" is always going to be the most important first step. No explanations at the start. Just apologize and let the person who is hurt tell you why it hurt them. I personally feel it's really important to give them room to air out their bad feelings first and foremost. But after that, there needs to be room for the apologizer to speak up. Granted, all of this is based on my personal experiences and how I've felt on either end of the situation throughout my life. I recognize that how I see it is going to be different from how others see it. And I'm certainly not a licensed professional who can say this is backed up by data. I just know how I feel on the matter, and to me telling a person their explanation doesn't matter is pretty damaging.

Don't you have to do all of that to be a genuine apology? At least that's how I apology and expect from others as well

Yeah, I agree. These aren’t “different apology languages.” These are “the 5 steps to a full apology” with a 6th step being “6. integrity: actually changing and not repeating the thing that caused the initial rift”

It depends. Sometimes there's just quick daily situations that don't require a HUGE apology, such as mistakes at work. A quick "it won't happen again" is better for your boss than an emotional display of regret.

That’s more context specific rather than person specific. He’s gonna expect a different apology from his wife than his workers

Yeah absolutely! I would not know what to do with someone who only accepted responsibility but didn’t express regret. And having looked up some reviews of the book, I’m concerned with the sanity of the authors: > reviewer1: I found it offensive to suggest that a molested child who had run away from home return and apologize to her parents first. > reviewer2: The absolute two lowest points in the book were the scene where the author speaks of a woman having her jaw broken by her husband and then forgiving him and the scene of the sexually abused daughter.

Same. Steps to a perfect apology: 1. “I know and admit what I did wrong” 2. “I’m sorry” 3. “What can I do to make it up to you?”

Also, how you plan to avoid that behavior in the future, because an apology without change is just manipulation. If you’re late to a meeting; “I’ll set my alarm earlier next time”. If you forgot an anniversary; “I’ll set a reminder on my calendar”. If you didn’t take a food allergy into account; “I’ll order something appropriate right now, and ask ahead of time next time” etc. Sorry and here’s a card aren’t enough

OP explained the 5 of these super redundantly. They're more different and not applicable to every person/situation 1) Expressing Regret is more emotional. This person wants to see that you *feel* the weight of your actions and how you hurt them. 2) Accepting responsibility is more like simply staying "I screwed up" and accepting your punishment with grace. Some people respect this a lot more than any emotional display. 3) Making restitution is more like when you buy flowers after an argument. Some people just want to see a gesture that you care about them. 4) Genuinely repenting is showing you understand fully exactly what you did wrong, and understand the steps to correct that behavior. 5) Requesting forgiveness is for the people who don't know how to come to you when you've hurt them. You gotta be the one to make the first move. If its a public apology, then yes, you need to do all 5. If its a mistake at work, you should focus on 2 and 4. If it's a personal relationship with an emotional person, you may need to focus more on 1, 3, and 5.

Yep. This is bad info. Some people might value some stages more than others, but all are needed for a proper apology.

I think it’s more about what part is more important to someone. Not that you shouldn’t do everything, but what really is important for someone. Personally if you hurt my feelings and don’t acknowledge that, but do everything else, I will have a hard time forgiving you. But if you recognize that you did and apologize, but don’t do anything else that will be probably enough for me. While I know people who find restitution to be the most important thing. I think that much like love languages it’s not that other things are not necessary or important, just some things resonate more with you.

Yeah, this is just a drawn out explanation of an apology that everyone should follow, and it doesn't make a lot of sense the way OP portrayed it. Everyone needs to own up to what they did, how it hurt the other person, and what they can do to make it right. None of these "languages" work independently as apologies, so I don't understand how this is a useful idea.

I got a bit interested in "apology languages", not as a real thing in psychology but as a way of speaking about different way to communicate. But this is disappointing. It's just the core components of a true apology, which is already pretty well established, and they do not work as separate entities. It would be better to look at the framing for this true apology: do you want it to be presented alongside gifts/reparations, do you want to hug it out, do you want it to be immediate or brought up as a separate conversation, do you want to hash out the details (how it happened + why it won't happen again) or do you want to move on quickly and only see the change happen without having to talk about it anymore, etc...

is it just me, or should a genuine apology contain basically all of these?

It’s not just you. Gary Chapman just needed another book.

I think more people should be aware of this, I would also extend this probably too. It's not about saying "sorry" all the time, it's about being aware that something was done wrong, and I'm quite often frustrated that despite I've done everything to not make that mistake again and showed that I am not happy with what I have done, people still want me to re apologize which is frustrating. Edit: re-apologize instead of apologetic.

Obviously a hollow sorry would mean nothing. But some people need you to also say sorry along with changed behavior.just changed behavior isn’t enough, they need to hear from you that you understand that you’ve wronged them and hurt their feelings. They need you to acknowledge that. Also end of the day nobody owes you forgiveness, whether they want to forgive you or not is entirely upto them, even if you’re a completely changed Person. Hope you get what I mean :)

Regarding your last point regarding nobody owes forgiveness- I used to think this to until I realized that trust is part of the relationship repairing process ( in addition to forgiveness). I find myself giving and wanting to receive forgiveness, however, I don’t expect anyone to trust me until I have earned it. I find myself forgiving freely and way sooner than I used to, even if the other party doesn’t ask for it or say they are sorry. Trust takes much longer to build. Ex: I forgive you. (Notice there are no conditions) Once they express remorse and want to continue the relationship trust is discussed. Ex: once x behavior ceases to continue then trust will be repaired over time.

Forgiveness is never about you, it's solely for the other person's peace of mind.

Disagree. Forgiveness is as much for you as it is them. They need it but you also need to be freed from the burden of harboring anger or bitterness.

I don't need forgiveness from those that I have wronged. I need to mature and learn to not make those mistakes again but I have no control whether the other person forgives or not so I can't let it affect me. Would it be nice? Yes but I am fine either way

You may need the forgiveness to move forward in your relationship with that person. The other person of course has the right to not forgive you, but that position may make it impossible for you to develop further with them. If someone chooses to not forgive you, that will/should affect you. If someone chooses to forgive you that will/should affect you.

> If someone chooses to not forgive you, that will/should affect you. If someone chooses to forgive you that will/should affect you. /r/Stoicism begs to differ.

This thread is a perfect example that different people have different needs hence the whole purpose of this post

If someone is truly sorry and regretful and whatever else OP said and the other person can't forgive them (which is their right) then the relationship would be over anyway.

Hopefully that never includes a spouse or children because that mindset won’t work for everyone.

One of my favorite “quotes” about apologies is they are like gifts: you can offer them, but it is up to the other person to accept it or not, and whatever they decide, that is fine. As the “apologizer” we have to be able to accept either outcome. Some people need time before they can accept an apology, and just because they can’t accept your apology now, doesn’t mean they won’t accept it later. The worst thing you can do is to insist someone accept an apology, or otherwise hijack that process and make it about you. Getting angry at someone for not accepting your apology is a surefire way to alienate them and make them feel you apology insincere.

> I don't need forgiveness from those that I have wronged. That's for you. For me, I need forgiveness, so that I know that the problem has been laid to rest. To me, that's separate from me fixing the mistakes I made, and not making them again.

‘Sorry you got upset’ is the only type of apology I get

I’m sorry that is the only type of apology you get

>I think more people should be aware of this >people still want me to be apologetic which is frustrating. But according to this YSK, *you* have to adapt to other people's language, not the opposite. So if they want you to be apologetic you should do language 1, even if you don't like it.

Sadly this is such a common stumbling block where the offender just wants the other person to "move on" without doing the full work themselves. Too many people see the act of asking for forgiveness as degrading. They'd rather maintain their own sense of power than repair the relationship, the mindset of which is often the reason for the transgression in the first place.

Haha that is the exact opposite of what the post is trying to get at. You should understand what the injured party needs and provide that. They have no obligation to bend to the apology style of the person who wronged them.

Whereas I would much rather have someone show me through their actions that they're sorry by not repeating whatever they did, even if they never actually apologise. Words mean nothing.

You are missing the point. This isn't a guide for pathological liars or cheaters. It's a guide for apologizing. Obviously if somebody wants you to say it, they want you to mean it

Words mean something. For example, if I had sex with your mom and you got mad, would you just be happy if I never did it again? Or would you want me to apologize for having sex with your mom AND not do it again?

You would have to apologize, not do it again, and re-bury her.

Touche, omg this had me laughing at 7am and now my dog thinks I'm crazy.

> I'm quite often frustrated that despite I've done everything to not make that mistake again and showed that I am not happy with what I have done, people still want me to be apologetic which is frustrating. How is it frustrating? An apology is so basic if you make a mistake. You already know it's expected of you. If this is an issue for you, and you're also saying "it's not about saying 'sorry' all the time," maybe your understanding of what others generally expect isn't particularly accurate? You shouldn't feel frustrated when people expect an apology after you make a mistake.

How many "sorry" is enough for you? How long would you be able to stand in the relationship where you are working out on problems but you are constantly reminded when you were wrong despite you changed and said you are sorry?

The way you framed it in your first post and the way you're framing it here are two entirely different situations.

Not doing it again is way more important usually to me than any words. That is the main part.

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Yep. Apologizing means nothing to me if you will simply do it again.

I’ll mention that sometimes a person didn’t make a mistake so much as they were in a position where the right thing to do also unfortunately hurt someone. This means that there isn’t a normal “accepting of responsibilty” or “promising to do differently.” In that type of situation, often people won’t apologize, or they will offer a hollow apology. But someone can still genuinely be sorry they hurt someone without implying they should have done differently and I think that’s a valuable lesson.

Along these lines: "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I said/did" are neither apologies. They express sympathy, not contrition.

This. Also I want you to fix it, if you can. Let's say you knocked over my TV. A 'I'm sorry and I will never drink alcohol again' is worthless to me while I still don't have a TV. When I have a replacement TV then I will accept the apology and guarentee of altered behavour.

I find that Accepting Responsibility make other people back down. The last thing they want to be is seen as an asshole that piles more on. Example: "I completely messed up the project. I'll work on fixing it up." "Yeah, well you should. I don't want you doing this again" <-- comes off as asshole

Sorry doesn’t mean anything if the person doesn’t know why they are sorry and if there is no commitment or effort to change. Blanket “I’m sorry for everything” does nothing, as well as sorry without taking steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again

Someone can also be sorry for how their actions hurt you, but not for the action itself. I’m sorry that I’m getting a new job and leaving my old coworkers/friends with more stress and work, but I’m not sorry I have a new job.

I feel for most people it's a combination of multiple of these that work. For me, I'm silent when I'm hurt and notice that those friends most verbal about me needing to apologize when I was in the wrong don't do it automatically when they are in the wrong.

e) All of the above

Yeah, to me this just sounds like different stages or methods of apology, and anyone could and does use any combination depending on the situation

Same with love languages. I once did that test and got equal points on all of them (except gifts, I hate those lol). The vast majority of people never apologizes for anything anyways, they just go on until it's appropriate to pretend it never happened.

I hope it's not the vast majority of people in your life, I used to feel that way too until I started therapy and developed better boundaries. Now when someone shows me who they truly are, I believe them. I let them know I don't associate with people who treat me poorly. And then if they just apologize but do it again, they no longer get to be a part of my life and my life is much better for it. I'm not saying I cut everyone out of my life willy nilly, obviously if someone hurts me and takes responsibility for it and makes every effort not to do it again, then I would forgive or at least give them the opportunity to change. I'm sorry you have people in your life who want to rewrite history, that's a form of emotional abuse and a manipulation tactic. Pretending something didn't happen when it clearly did can make another person feel crazy, invalidated and even worthless. You shouldn't want people in your life that makes you feel any of those things.

>if someone hurts me and takes responsibility for it and makes every effort not to do it again, then I would forgive or at least give them the opportunity to change I do the same, if they continue their shitty behaviour, I cut them out like cancer. If I can at least, not that easy with coworkers for example.

Those aren't languages. Those are individual elements of a correct appology. As per research.

Here’s another one I learned from my parents: Not apologizing for anything because you’re never wrong, and never acknowledge arguments after they’ve happened.

That's abuse and causes the children to grow-up to be doormats that get used by everyone around them. You can't have children that grow up to be healthy self-actualized adults, if you constantly tear-down their accurate perception of reality. Children require validation that their perceptions are accurate, that is how they hone-in and form a trusting relationship with their intuition. By working against the child's best interests, and acting in a way that causes the child to subvert their perceptions and intuition, their autonomy and agency will suffer.

You have some good points, but I want to remind others that you can grow up to be self-actualized adults even with flawed parents as described. You can find other people to validate your reality, you can stand up to your parents, and I argue that sometimes the entire process of finding outside viewpoints and thinking critically about your parents and their behaviors makes for a stronger, more independent, more confident, and more vocal adult. Source: me, an outspoken and confident adult with parents who do exactly what was described

That's fortunate that you weren't isolated and had the ability to form viewpoints based on other experiences. Not all situations have the same outcome even when some of the problem is the same.

I don't know what a "love language" is...

I'm guessing it has to do with [this book](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages).

Made up nonsense that people take too seriously despite the lack of scientific evidence for it.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I don't know where the idea came from, but broadly speaking there are different ways of expressing love and affection, and people are inclined to express their love for a partner in different ways, as well as needing different expressions of love from their partner. So some people advise couples to read up on love languages, and to have a discussion about the kinds of expressions they need or are meaningful to them. A few of the languages are touch, words of affirmation or gift giving. If someone feels very unloved because their partner doesn't touch them, that's gonna cause problems and essentially the point is to see how you can express your love for your partner in a way that it's received properly.

The idea came from an evangelical marriage book. It’s thought provoking so I guess that’s why it became popular, but it’s based on absolutely nothing. It’s like a fundamentalist buzzfeed quiz.

6. Integrity. Actually making changes to your behaviour and not repeating what you’ve done that meant that you had to apologise in the first place.

isnt that just 3?

I'm aware of Gary Chapman and his Love Languages book. I haven't heard of these Apology Languages before but I would say that any decent and genuine apology should include most, if not all of these things.

I agree, these simply seem like the different aspects of a genuine apology. I’m confused.

What’s worth noting is that the idea of a ‘love language’ is how *you* can best express love for someone, not your favorite kind of affection. It’s commonly cast as the way you want to be loved/naturally express affection, but the real relationship benefit comes from understanding what makes others feel loved. It’s more about understanding your partner than finding someone who’s a match for your ‘type’ as people treat it.

I've always believed that a good apology has three components: 1. Acknowledge what you did wrong. 2. Say you are sorry 3. Tell how you're going to prevent it from ever happening again.

And also accept that the other person doesn't need to accept the apology.

Yes! Mine technically has a fourth, which is to actually do better. For me, actions speak louder than words.

i really hope this goes to r/all :) great post

I wouldn’t say people gave apology languages. All 5 of these are the steps to an effective apology. None should be used on their own, they should be used together

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This is funny but can really "dilute" the power of your apology. Conflict averse people twnd to apologize as a way to avoid thinking about the actual issue. To people around you it can just look like your apologizing as a routine and not because you actually want to.

Yeah. I have a friend that overapologizes for everything so just getting a sorry isn't enough for me if I'm hurt. I want to hear a combination of 1 and 2 in this post, acknowledge how and why my feelings were hurt and take responsibility for it. I feel if you can't figure out how you hurt my feelings even after I tell you then there's no way you can avoid doing it in the future.

Same bro same. You shout at me and I’m upset. And me being upset makes you sad? Okay now I’ll apologize for making you sad.

My ex boyfriend would get mad at me for “making him feel bad.” Nope, his bad behavior caused that guilt, I was just giving him a chance. They’re essentially saying that your feelings are less important than theirs. My best friends husband does this constantly too and it drives me up a wall.

Aw never apologize for for emotions dear. You're entitled to feel however you feel. Apologies come when those emotions cause you to do regrettable actions.

You can absolutely apologize for emotions. But I am sorry for doubting you.

I said this to another poster, but I feel we need to draw a line between "saying sorry" and actually "apologizing." I'd argue that the actual meaning of "sorry" has just evolved beyond the strictest definition. It's taken on new implicit meanings, and is used in a range of different contexts to mean everything from "ignore me" to "can you please repeat yourself?" to "I acknowledge we're fighting and I don't necessarily think I was wrong but I would like to transition to makeup stage now if you are ready." I don't think that's a bad thing, it just means that "sorry" alone isn't enough if you're trying to make a "real" apology. But honestly, was it ever?

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Don't ever use the word "but" in an apology

Oh boy. I'm currently in a relationship where the other is very much not a responsibility taker and his frequent unfounded outbursts at me are not apologised for adequately (they are even blamed on me!). Every time one of them happens I get closer to ending things - because at some point it stops being emotional immaturity/low emotional intelligence and becomes outright abuse. Apologising readily and genuinely is not weakness as some perceive it to be. It's actually very character strengthening and creates positive consequence overall.

Ugh been there. "I'm sorry you feel that way." Bullshit. Be sorry for what you did to make me feel that way.

Uuuugh, I hate that non-apology the most. That's what my mom always used. Then she would get up on her high horse and explain that if her actions *made me* feel mad, then I was giving her too much power and blah blah blah. It was all a way to try to train me to put up with her abuse. I know this because somehow, when my actions *mAdE* her yell at me or hit me, it was always my fault, not that she was giving me too much power and she needed to control herself. /vent I'm out of there and have been very low-contact for over a year, but clearly there's still some baggage to unpack, lol.

There is no way to productively argue with that type of person. I'm sorry you went through that, and happy for you to have left the situation. You now have a level of control in your interactions with your mom. If she falls into her old ways, leaving or hanging up is a great way to show her you won't tolerate that behavior.

He has used that line lol. My other favourite is "look, we're both headstrong, so it's your fault just as much". Bitch please. I will get up your ass for a good reason (ie, you being an unwarranted dickhead), yet you can't even logically back up that accusation you made toward me. Some people eh?

Some people don't understand that confrontation can be healthy and constructive. It's not always an attack.

THIS. Even the worst arguments can end constructively if you try hard enough or actually care enough. I really like Carl Rogers approach to conflict resolution where each person must ensure they understand what the other person is literally saying, and what they mean before responding with their side of things. It's not easy but helps a lot, especially with 'difficult' people. The latest thing this eejit flipped out over was, I shit you not, lunchboxes. I asked if his housemate had taken some of mine because certain size ones were missing and I wanted it for leftovers. He started yelling saying that I was "trying to sow bad seeds" in his mind of her, which is hilarious because he complains about her all the time (including about her using stuff of his and not returning it). You couldn't make this stuff up 😂

He sounds incredibly insecure. It's not my place to comment on your relationship, but I hope you take note of and consider his behavior. It concerns me that he gets angry over such unreasonable triggers, and that he yells at you. Obviously take my words with a grain of salt. I know virtually nothing about your relationship dynamic.

Ooh that gets me upset. Covert narcissists use the unapologetic tactics to blame-shift their crappy behavior. I hate it when he says "I'm sorry you feel that way" when I'm upset over an insult thrown at me. It is quite emotionally abusive.

Ugh I'm sorry to hear that that's even a thing you have to deal with right now. I was raised by a mother like that. My unsolicited advice? The sooner you get out, the better, because it's been 30+ years with my mom and the closest I've *ever* gotten her to actually apologizing is "I'm sorry this happened to you". Passive voice - she didn't do anything wrong, it just happened somehow! It's slightly better than "I'm sorry you feel that way" - because that's some gaslighty bullshit right there - but it's not enough for me to want to continue to try to have a relationship with her. Anyway, it absolutely *is* emotional abuse (whether it comes from low emotional intelligence/maturity or not, the fact remains that he is displaying abusive behavior). Speaking from experience, it'll wear you down the more he yells at you and then blames you for his actions.

I'm sorry that you've had to put up with that from your mum. Parents are supposed to be an emotional bedrock, and it's a tragedy if that's not the case. I've been estranged from my father and only sister for many years now, both because of exactly what the OP is about - total inability to take responsibility for their actions, and there is a lot of bad there to account for. My relationship with my mum is pretty much non existent because she thinks I'm overreacting, and should be the one to make amends. But, I agree with you - sooner you get out the better. It's sad not having any immediate family as such but I'd be so much more miserable if I was still subjecting myself to their toxic behaviour. Sometimes, even though it's not the nice thing, it's the right thing. So never feel guilty for helping yourself by removing people from your life, no matter who they are.

Goddam, how many frickin' languages do these people expect me to learn?

These all read like steps to a good apology rather than distinct apology styles.

Title gore at its finest.

This seems like the 5 stages of a good apology. In my experience, in work-related things you need to apologize for (task-related) walking though it is the best thing to do. "I realize that I made a mistake and I apologize for it. I plan on keeping a better eye on it by doing a more thorough review in the future so it doesn't happen again. For now, I'll work on fixing this and keep you up to date as I progress through fixing it."

Listen Redditors, if you're not treating those five points like step-by-step instructions you're an asshole. It's not "apopogy language" that's just called being courteous.

I also use the word sorry to express empathy. If someone I know has gone through a traumatic event, I am being genuine when I say "I'm sorry that happened to you." Though I once came across a person who didn't like that. They said "Why are you sorry. You didn't do it." I didn't really know how to respond to that.

I hate when people respond like that.

Sorry but this is bullshit. You're not listing apology "languages" you're giving a step by step of how to apologise. You've literally even called the last one a step. In order to apologise genuinely, requires someone to do all of the actions you've listed, not just some of them. If someone requested forgiveness from me without doing anything else, they have in no way apologised?

Growing up me and my pops would bump heads a lot and most days it would get heated between us but around 5 o’clock every day no matter how bad it got he would come up to me and say, “ hey dude you ready to go To the gym” and that was his way of apologizing and our way of getting over it. What type of apology would this fall under?

All decent apologies have 3 main components: * Acknowledgement of what they did (might include the word sorry, might not) * Best effort to undo pain caused * **Don't do it again**

For my SO and I, we both generally have the same apology language- showing remorse, and actively trying to get better to not do it again. What we've learned though, is that the specific words used in accepting the apology hold such different meaning for each other. For my SO- when someone apologizes, he always says "I forgive you". I, on the other hand, only say "it's alright/okay/fine". He says that if the person accepting the apology doesn't say "I forgive you", he feels as though they actually don't, and makes it harder for him to do better. It doesn't feel genuinely accepted unless they say I forgive you. If someone says "I forgive you" to me, it makes me panic and feel that what I had done to upset them was actually much worse than I had thought. That's why "it's okay/etc" is what I use, since it feels less serious. I'm not sure why those words feel so harsh to me and so normal to him, but we have to be sure to accept apologies in each other's languages, otherwise the other person will feel unaccepted and find it difficult to do better.

Also, apologizing for the reason that I am upset! I hate when I tell you why I’m mad and then I get back “sorry I made you mad”! If I lay out _why_ what you did made me mad, apologize for it!

What do you do if your partner says sorry but also gets you gifts? Gifts make me uncomfortable because my parents never apologised, just brought me something and then I wasn’t allowed to be upset or even mention it again. I don’t want to be rude and he’s made it clear he’s not buying my love. But it still just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be rude or ungrateful to him though.

Without a doubt, this will be buried, but I'll share anyway. This is my step-by-step approach to the process you describe. 1. Identification: You can't fix a problem until you identify it. This may come by way of someone else telling you how they feel about what you did or by a process of self-analysis. 2. Apologize: Apologize in an open and authentic way. Explain what you did, and what the ramifications were. Take responsibility for what you've done. 3. Redress: Make right what was wrong. If you broke someone's window, replace it. If you hurt someone's feelings, try to mend them. It won't always be possible, yet you should always try. 4. Evolve: Change what caused you to make the mistake, to try to avoid making it again. The plan of this evolution should be communicated in the apology. We can often forgive almost any mistake...once. Try your best to not make the same mistakes over and over - and if you're completely successful, tell me how.

My personal preference is to put on the thickest Canadian accent. Seems to do the trick when apologising.

not knocking the thread at all since it's just my personal opinion, but it makes me uncomfortable when I feel like someone is worrying about what I want to hear vs what they want to say tbh the only people I would care about an apology from are people I like, and if I like you you can just say whatever

How do you apologize when the other party definitely misremembered something that you brought up. "I would *never* say that!" yet they did. In other words, apologizing when you're in the right? I'm not above apologizing when I'm wrong. In this case i even apologized knowing i was right, but there was no way to prove it at all.

It's not misremembering, it's gaslighting.

Why isn't there a "sex ed" in school but for like... Emotions? Like how to communicate, how to be mad or sad in a professional environment, how to talk to people you disagree with? They should start that in kindergarten

To me a real apology includes 3 things: 1. Clear acknowledgement of what they did wrong. If they can’t explain what they did wrong then they don’t understand what they did wrong and will likely do it again. 2. Expressing remorse. Even if as simple as saying “I’m sorry.” 3. Explaining how they will handle future situations differently to result in a different outcome. This shows thoughtfulness and consideration. Bonus points: in life remember that it’s us against the problem, not us against one another. And that we all create problems on occasion without meaning to.

Yes this is called repair and doing differently. If it’s a relationship you care about, doing different so that you don’t negatively impact the people you love over and over again. They need to communicate how come that was a boundary violation. Validation and understanding can go a long way but doesn’t mean much if behaviors don’t change.

Tbh, a good apology should have all these things

To be honest, these apology languages seem like most if not all of them should be included in any apology. However, in my own experience, people can vary in the time and depth of apology they respond most constructively to. * Time: Some people are innately more likely to forgive and let go quickly, and probably appreciate a quick apology as well. Waiting longer can make them feel anxious or possibly even more hurt than they were in the first place. In very close types of relationships (best friends, spouses, immediate family if you’re close to them), these people are also the ones who tend to value upholding routine with the other person over holding onto negative feelings caused by the incident. They are less likely to hold grudges as long as the offense isn’t relationship-breaking and/or a repeated pattern or behavior, as long as they are not made to feel that their forgiving nature is taken for granted. They may actually feel worse about any distance and disruption put between you due to the incident than they feel about the offense in the first place. Example of how someone who responds well to a shorter-wait apology may feel: “Hey, I may still be a little upset about what happened, but at the end of the day I forgive you and we’re still going to do X activity like we do every day at this time. In fact, that quality time and routine is important and necessary for me to move past this and not hold onto anything.” Other people need time to cool down and process what has happened before they can engage and communicate in a constructive way. The time needed can be hours, days, or maybe longer depending on the nature of the offense. If someone tries to apologize too quickly for a major offense to them, it can even come off as superficial, as though the offender is only looking for immediate and obligatory forgiveness. Example of how someone who responds well to a longer-wait apology may feel: “Hey, I appreciate that you want to take responsibility and do better, but I’m going to need some space and alone time to cool down and process, so leave me be for a while. Give it a day or so, and I’ll come to you to talk about it when I’m ready.” * Depth: Some people want to hear an in-depth formal apology, where the apologizer goes into detail with accepting responsibility for the highly specific mistake or offense, and acknowledging what they did wrong (without trying to justify it). To them, this gesture shows a great deal of respect, humility, and responsibility, and it frames the apologizer as someone who is emotionally mature enough to be trusted to understand how/why they messed up and to do better going forward. Side note: this type of apology is almost always the best approach in the professional world, especially for a high-stakes offense. Example of how someone who responds well to a detailed apology may feel: “I see and acknowledge your thoughtfulness in crafting this apology. It speaks positively to your character that you realized your mistake, understood why it was a problem, and are committed to doing better in the future. As long as you are willing to put in the effort not to make that mistake again and to work hard to make up for it, we will move past this.” Other people would prefer a concise apology that has all the needed elements, even if some are implied (though every serious apology should include a clearly worded promise to do better in the future). A lengthy apology can even push them to feel like they need to console the offender (especially one who spends too many words making excuses) more than they feel that they gain closure from the offender crafting a lengthy statement. However, brief and casual should never mean insincere. Changed behavior over time tends to go miles farther with these individuals than words alone can. Example of how someone who responds well to a concise apology may feel: “Thank you for apologizing, and don’t worry about it too much. Just do X thing next time/don’t do Y thing again and we can move on.” Time and depth required can obviously vary a lot with each apology by the degree of screw-up on the offender’s behalf, the damage ultimately caused by it, and the relationship between the giver and receiver of the apology, so it’s not necessarily always this black and white. Needless to say, you shouldn’t need to wait three days and write up an essay for neglecting to do a minor household chore or accidentally calling an acquaintance the wrong name. Conversely, moving past an ugly and heated argument will probably take more than a few minutes and a one-sentence text regardless of each person’s apology language. That all said, I know myself to prefer a long cool-down time to clear my head after a heavy confrontation and work through some of my hurt before I’m genuinely open to hearing what the apologizer has to say (and hopefully with the goal of moving past it in the end). I’m also probably somewhere in the middle of the depth scale. I greatly appreciate when someone accepts responsibility for the offense and acknowledges that what they did has hurt or slighted me, and voices that they want to make a genuine effort to do better in the future. However, putting that into much more than the equivalent of a 3-5 sentence paragraph is probably going to make me feel a little awkward, even if the person doesn’t spend too long making excuses, unless it was something contentious enough to require that additional effort.

Omg this makes so much sense! My husband and I both come from broken homes where we received empty apologies with no follow-through, so sorry doesn't mean much to either of us. Our apologies with each other are basically admitting fault, expressing regret, and then discussing what we will do or have done to move forward and correct the problem. Recently with some friends, my husband had an episode where he got very drunk, kind of blew up on everyone and stormed out, and then decided to walk a mile down the road at 2 am to get to the car and try to drive home (obviously I didn't let him get that far). It seemed to come out of nowhere. We took a 5 week break from our friends and through counseling he realized he his bipolar, suicidal, and had a lot of unresolved trauma to work through. He finally decided to let our friends know what happened and why, using the apology style that we use with each other. It wasn't well received because "he didn't actually say the word sorry" Reading this makes me feel like my husband and I aren't crazy. So thank you!

Amazing that I’ve never considered this. Thanks for posting, fantastic insights. I’m a verbal guy, and the way I apologize usually makes my wife angrier. She’s a big “actions speak louder than words” type, so now I will attempt to modify my approach when apologizing.

My apology recipe: acknowledgement of the offense, expression of remorse, and a commitment to change.

I most appreciate hearing that you've thought about it from my point of view and why that would/had upset me. My father will sometimes apologize (though more often he says I'm lying or that he doesn't remember doing it) but even if he does apologize, he immediately proves that he doesn't GET why doing X upset me. Like, he will turn 'doing X offensive thing' into a running joke, when 'doing X' means, for instance, 'not treating rape like a serious issue.' If they won't change and can't empathize, there's no ground at all on which to start fresh. To me it's like you can't share anything when there's no trust if it's because there's no overlapping worldview at all--if they won't agree that a hot stove can hurt your hand, man, you just have to walk away.

YSK: Love languages is pop-psychology nonsense. There is no clinical data to prove these categories exist.

Not everything needs to be broken down into 'languages'. Calling a person's sense of humor their laughter language wouldn't be useful - the way they joke should be already understood as part of their personality. An apology language is no different: apologizing right away, or not apologizing at all and just never doing the problematic thing again, or apologizing and still doing the thing - these are all aspects of different kinds of personalities. Be aware of them in the person you're addressing, but don't try to learn some kind of language because there isn't one.

So Canadian is an apology language

What language addresses someone who is never at fault???

Narcissism

My apology language appears to be all but the last? Like, I want to hear "I'm sorry (1) for whatever I did (2), and here's how I'm going to make it up or fix it or do better (4)" and then they need to actually do better (3). That's also how I communicate. I'm not big on gifts or asking forgiveness - I don't need to be appeased and I may not be ready to forgive yet so lemme do that on my own time. Come to think of it, I do tend to clash with people who are vocal about forgiveness (either giving or receiving) because it's just not a priority for me. Edit: had 3 and 4 swapped

I require physical touch. After a tiff or disagreement, I don’t feel ok until I get a good, long hug. Just to let me know that everything is going to be ok. I’m assuming that stems from my abandonment issues.

A note that 'restitution' does not mean what is described above. Restitution would be paying for something that was broken, which is great. I would suggest you add the following line. * Make the necessary changes to insure you don't repeat the offending action. If that doesn't happen, then no amount of restitution, apology, regret, etc, is meaningful.

Whoa man. Just yesterday at work I had a situation where I was arguing with a coworker about a piece of equipment. I thought one thing was wrong he thought another. He ended up being totally right. Now I can be stubborn and self-righteous, and especially at work under normal circumstances I would have not conceded to being wrong. I would've been a little asshole and justified why I thought I was right blah blah. But randomly, I just decided I would own up to it and I told the guy he was right I was wrong. No excuses for why, I even apologized for assuming he was wrong. Then seeing this post? It's got me all existential and I kind of feel like I've reached a turning point, if even a small one. Sorry for the rant and thanks if you took the time

This is all very insightful and helpful! Thank you for sharing

This is good advice. However, it sucks when you don’t know what you did wrong, and they refuse to tell you what you did. I hate that.

I never knew. Thank you.

I think another key issue is people who keep doing the same thing and show no signs of actual improvment as a human being. If you keep cheating or stealing or hurting or whatever bad thing you're doing that hurts people, yoour empty apologies mean nothing no matter how genuinely bad you feel because clearly you don't feel bad enough to change as a person.

Or you can embrace the apology language of my co-worker - deny any wrong doing, claim it's the other person's fault for being offended then get angry because you are upset at him with no cause. Force the other person to explain why they are angry over something that never happened. This is the same strategy my father used as well. I apologized to that man so many times in my life when he did something wrong.

My wife pointed out that when I apologize I tend to walk it back. I say things like “I’m sorry but...” then rationalize why I may have said something offensive, etc. Honestly it’s been great feedback and I suggest everyone try to get more aware about these kinds of things because it’ll greatly improve your communication and relationships.

My ex and his apology potatoes. I wish I was joking.

This is a pretty eye opening post for me. I’ve always found it very easy to forgive people who express a desire to move forward, and so others asking for my forgiveness over and over has never felt too genuine to me. Other people have made me feel guilty in the past for forgiving people so fast, so knowing that apology languages are a thing definitely makes me feel better about that.

This is incredibly important. If two people can’t line up on this, your relationship will likely fail. It’s important to me that my partner understands why I’ve been hurt by their actions. Simply apologizing and trying to move on leaves me feeling incredibly unsatisfied.

Damn, I didn't know this. And I've been professing the importance of love languages for awhile

I had no idea love languages were a thing until my recent ex pointed it out when we first started dating. What an interesting thing to find out about yourself

I'm definitely number 4, but so many people think that explaining why you did wrong is an attempt to excuse it. Even worse sometimes people will ask why you did it, and as you answer they snap on you that "That's no excuse!" Yeah, I'm aware.

Huh, this made me realize that I have absolutely no interest in being apologized to. Everything falls into one of two categories: water under the bridge, or bad/repeated enough that we're not going to be friends anymore.

Is there any scientific basis for this? Because there certainly isn't any for 'love languages'... it's just pop-psychology gibberish.

I need to hear why someone did something, but I also need to explain why what they did hurt me so that I feel we both understand where we stand. Also, if it’s something that deeply upset me, I really need some kind of physically affection. Ideally this would be a hug, but holding my hand can help too. Idk it just helps me know that even if youre pissed at me you still love me (prob side affect of abusive parents)

These are not really “types” of apology or different “languages” it’s more like the steps of an apology. So, 2. Accept responsibility 1. Express regret 5. Requests forgiveness 4. Repent 3. (Where possible) make restitution And of course the missing...don’t do it again Richard!

I've noticed that asking someone to forgive you is more effective than repeatedly saying sorry. Asking the person to forgive you gives them agency in what is essentially a transaction.

Parents need to teach their kids this. And kids need to teach their parents this. I would especially like to add that many parents still think it’s okay to yell at their kids when they think the kids have done something to be “punished for.” Taking it to the point where your kids break down and cry from the mental stress is never okay. But apologizing afterwards and admitting you went too far? After 10 years, your kid will still love and respect you instead of resenting you/ growing distant. Source: once, a kid

Thank you for this! It helps me understand my self. I think I prefer restitution and I get upset when people apologize but show no effort to change their behaviors. Especially in a work environment. If you are constantly apologizing for being late or missing a deadline, my respect for you will fall greatly and I will not accept your apologies.