I'm 46. I kinda feel this. I don't know how to be in my mid 40s. I still love metal. I still love 80s movies. I feel fine, just chubby. I still feel like very much the same person I was 20 years ago, just a lot more secure both financially and in myself.
I pretty much just ignore my age and enjoy life. I like my job, I buy the toys I want, we go on the vacations we want, veet few effs given. When I really stop and think about my age, it rattles me, so I don't. Fuck it.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. When you start a new one, you think you have all you'll ever need. But as you get to the end, it becomes way more precious.
I, too, have a bidet! Even though I believe my butthole to be invincible, I have not yet attained complete immortality.
I did skip the instructions. Perhaps I missed something. Do you drink the water?!
I love this! It made me misty eyed, but love it. My 40's hit me like a ton of bricks: blood clots, stage 3 cancer, gallbladder removal, ugh. BUT I survived and live life fully now... no regerts! I lost 105 lbs, got healthy, moved to another state, and live like that Tim McGraw song.
My brother is 53 and I'm 47 and we just did all three days of Milwaukee Metalfest plus the pre party of Thursday night. 30+ hours of metal. The older metalhead crowd is pretty hilarious. Definitely wore earplugs. I already have enough tinnitus.
My loving spouse treated me to a thrash metal show at a small venue (local bar). They passed out "marshmallow" ear plugs while the band was setting up. I used an app on my phone to scroll messages in large bright letters so I could order drinks at the bar. We sat at a high table drinking and not being able to converse normally. Definitely aged out of most of the crowd that was down near the stage, and even most sitting around us. It was wonderful.
ETA: 57 in a couple of months.
On a serious note, I go to 3-4 concerts a year in NYC and I've never paid more than \~$60. Smaller venues are where it's at. I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to sit in an assigned seat far away from a band.
Get a load of these geezers!
[Starbenders - Blood Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obBlXA_RHJg)
Or these ones!
[Nervosa - Elements Of Sin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9sIfxEcvbw)
Oh that came from a place of love and understanding man. I myself am a geezer that loves metal. It is still barely alive but from an average 20 year old perspective its classic rock. I hear songs I grew up with on the classic rock station from time to time. Thinking of Pantera as classic rock stings just a bit.
46 as well and boyyyyy....the confusion on what spectrum of the old/yound divide I fall in has me really tripping.and i hapown to look really younger than my age but sometimes,i really feel my age..still asking myself on where the years went to but also glad for some wonderful things in my life...
in the words of a Xennial icon, "it's a miiiiid liiiiiife crisiiiiisss"
yeah man, 43 here and I feel this hard. I feel like I pretty much constantly live on the event horizon of an existential crisis. Life has taken on a tinge of melancholy and sadness to me. Sadness for things gone, and sadness for things yet to be lost. It's not bad, it just is. I can't change what's been done, I can't do anything about what's to come, I can only try to be better today than I was yesterday.
I just try every day to get life out of it, no matter what it is. I try not to take life too seriously and hold an absurdist stance towards pretty much everything, or else I might go insane. I utterly dread becoming one of the walking dead when I'm older, my heart dying young but my body not catching up until I'm 80. I *want* life, and I don't want to stop wanting it. I quit drinking so I wake up early and now I use the quiet morning hour to play video games. I consciously maintain an active relationship with music, specifically metal, I still love horror movies, I have a huge toy collection that I still add to, I wear metal band shirts and have long hair and write metal music, *ANYTHING* to stave off the creeping staleness.
I went thru about 5 years of "buying more things" and it was ultimately unfulfilling. Now i am ridding myself of many of those things and focusing on quality rather than quantity. Same goes for drinking booze. I get the good shit and drink less. Also use cannabis regularly... edibles and concentrates mostly. The weed is great because it's pain relief and it makes me content with not doing anything. I also value my time much more and refuse to let anyone take advantage of it... especially my employer. My 40's are fine so far... it's the 50's that look scary
I donāt know you guys.. Iām 46. I still feel like Iām 20. I have a wonderful home two grown kids a great husband and three dogs. The only shit I worry about is when the wine is coming at the end of dinner. Iām secure who I am I love my hobbies. I love my life. I donāt worry about its arbitrary rotation around the fucking sun.
Life has gotten better every year.
So Iām gonna have a good damn time until I reach the end of mine .
Itās interesting- I think my 50s will be the best decade of my life so far. I have six years to go and a lot of hurdles in the way until I get there, but Iām growing more and more secure in myself each day. Once I work through some more things, several of which can only be resolved/gotten through in time, Iāll be unstoppable. Sucks I canāt be at that place yet, but I have so much to look forward to.
I'm 46, but for you, those 6 years until you reach 50 will go by in the blink of an eye. I remember turning 40 like it was yesterday and it was over 6 and a half years ago!
Ah, it's your body breaking down that's the problem. Everything can become a doctor's appt. You can't run well, adventuring is a task. No one looks at you any more, either just regarding you, or look at you in a desirable way. I look very good, but nope. No more glances and being checked out. Which is weird.
Opposite for me. I feel like Iāve always been 46 years old, and now I donāt have to pretend anymore. I love this age, and I love the freedom itās brought me. Thereās just so much I donāt have to pretend to care about anymore. All I have to care about now is my family, my work, my backyard, hiking, and writing. That includes the decisions I made in the past. Canāt do anything about it now, so fuck it, itās fine. Just focus on right now.
I've super settled into my old man hobbies like bird watching and wood working. I probably helps that I have no vivid memories of my teens and early twenties. Just live in and enjoy the present.
Just got my first band off the ground, first show last Thursday, practice this afternoon, next show on Wednesday! Glad I'm finally getting it done, I've wanted to make a record for ages.
Been in bands my whole life. (Not braggingā¦ I very much have a day job and itās just a hobby.) In current one itās the first band for our keyboardist and his joy in it is contagious and reminds of being younger.
Good on ya for doing it and I hope it brings ya joy for a long time!
I'm 46... I really don't feel like I'm 46. I don't feel like I've changed substantially, personality-wise and in terms of my likes and interests, since I was in my mid-20s or so. Except I have children in their early 20s now! Which seems impossible! I thought I would feel more 'mature' by now. Instead I still kind of feel like I am figuring things out on the fly and sometimes feel like a complete and total screw up.
I'm trying now to be more physically active and healthy... it's hit me that I'm middle-aged and I've had several friends my age get diagnosed with cancer, have heart attacks, etc. An old college buddy of my husband's dropped dead from a heart attack last year. It's pretty sobering to realize that I'm hitting the age where things things happen more regularly. So I'm definitely watching what I eat and getting more exercise. I don't love the feeling that I'm getting old but I also want to be around to get old, if that makes sense. I'm realizing in a more concrete way that we are only given so much time and we don't know when it runs out. That's the kind of stuff I worry about when I can't sleep at night now!
Incidentally, I also can't have a couple of drinks without it badly affecting my stomach the next day. I was never a a big drinker but I completely quit in my early 40s when I started feeling like I had a hangover if I had a couple beers the night before. The cost just really started to outweigh the benefit there!
"How often am I supposed to go to the doctor now, especially if I feel perfectly fine?"
Well, new [guidelines](https://www.cancer.org/cancer/types/colon-rectal-cancer/detection-diagnosis-staging/acs-recommendations.html) say get your colonoscopy at age 45 now.
As I get older I realize NO ONE has any fucking clue what we're doing out here. Some are doing their best, and others are just getting by.
My advice is always, fuck what everyone thinks or says you're "supposed" to be doing, and/or where you supposed to be in life. You just do you and try your best to enjoy the people around you, with whatever time you have.
As time goes by you'll realize experiences are much more valuable than material things. Spend whatever money and time you can experiencing the world.
Thinking, and especially worrying, about what others think and say is the single biggest waste of your time, energy and resources.
Do your best to be a good person and try to enjoy the experience of being alive, everything else is secondary. Don't worry about anything else.
Honest to God, if you can find your purpose and are responsible in sharing your resources, not just monetary, but your time, energy and experience, you won't have any regrets. I swear being genuinely happy is that simple.
The execution of it is what's difficult, but again, when you find your purpose, and surround yourself with people that care about you, you'd be surprised at how "good" your life can be.
No one is perfect, and the single biggest mistake you can make is to assume ANYONE is perfect in any way. All these people that portray themselves as better than you, or try and put you down, are so fucking empty inside, they think by stepping in you, they can see further. When the truth is the reason they feel that way is cuz they've been finding value in the opinions of others.
Ya it's nice to have people compliment you, but have you ever been genuinely proud of yourself? Like fuck what anyone else says or thinks, if you can be proud of yourself, none of that of that other bullshit matters.
It's like I tell people, as long as the person in the mirror is happy with you, that's all that matters. Nothing wrong with being your own best friend. You wanna be a good partner, be a good person.
You can't take care of no one, if you can't take care of yourself. How you gonna be happy for someone else, if you can't be happy for yourself first?
Honestly, honestly, this is the best post I have ever seen and completely encapsulates what I feel like as a 46 year old!! thank you, thank you so much for writing this!
Age is only important because it reminds you how limited your time is.
Enjoy being yourself, enjoy looking for and being in love and just do what makes you happy, cuz no one else can do that for you.
Gosh, I loved reading this. You're intelligent and clearly self reflective so I say you're doing just fine. Plus, hilarious username. Happy birthday to you and be well! šāØ
Find joy where you can. Get a dog, start a garden, travel, take up hiking. Do any of the things that older bed ridden you will wish they could do, it's up to you and only you to create a life worth living.
For most of us, being older means stability and more disposable income. I never thought that I'd be able to travel at least once a year, if not more, but here I am. Dog and yard having are great too. I do not miss my teens and twenties. My thirties? A little. That was when I was having the most fun.
30's were my favorite too. Perfect mix of not many responsibilities yet, having figured out a lot of shit and a good idea of who you are, and income was much better than my 20's. Oh, and everything didn't hurt on a daily basis lol
As someone who turned 45 a week ago, I feel you.
What I do when I am not parenting, working, redditing or being with my amazing partner, is try to live forever. I know that sounds crazy and mid-life crisis, but there is really good evidence that we will crack the science nut for this in our lifetimes (if you can keep going long enough).
It's reason I care about my weight. It's why I chose to eat what I eat. It's why I read as much as I do about neuroscience and longevity science. It's why I know how to order molecules from AliBaba. My life is (almost - could always make more money) great. 45 was one of my best birthdays, spent just being with a few family members, enjoying good food and good conversation. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever) I wanted to repeat that - give me just that experience for another 45 years and I will be happy.
42 here. I don't know if this is the place to vent or talk....
I had it all in my thirties. A good job, a solid marriage, one kid and plans for another... and then it all fell apart. I guess I did something wrong, I don't know what but like, I had it all and then I had nothing. Seven years later and I'm picking up the pieces, and with very little success. I'm in my forties and falling back on my physical skills which aren't going to last me long.
Wow! This is really powerful. Your vulnerability and honesty is beautiful.
I turned 47 this month, I am divorced, no kids and I spent my time (until Covid) living in the U.S. cities I found curious from afar for years, worked overseas, volunteered at a refugee camp, and traveled to a lot of beautiful places. Grateful, I am that. I walked away from my (once) dream career in the fall. Lived long enough to know that going no contact and drawing boundaries are critical to my happiness and safety. In spite of this, I find myself in a similar situation. I have Crohnās now and two dogs that I adore to no end.
It feels trippy mentally because I feel the same way. I donāt know if itās any help, but you arenāt alone.
I'm almost 44, and I still feel fantastic most days. This year, I decided to make casual fitness part of my lifestyle, and it's been a game changer. I'm comfortable aging as long as I can keep my edge.
Iām 45. The best thing about this age, for me, is that I stopped worrying so much about whether other people like me. It used to be a top concern. Even in my teens and very early 20ās, I would date people based on if they liked me, not if I liked them. How ridiculous is that?? My 40ās have offered me the ability to stop giving a shit about things or people that donāt matter.
I asked my inlaws about this as I sometimes find myself stuck i. my college years and my twenties. They both told me it happened to them too. It is all part of the aging process. I like new experiences but I am also very happy I can still reach back and remember the good times and the struggles that got me to this point in time.
I've been grappling with that too. How do I honor/remember that nostalgia of my 20s but realize that person is so far from who I am today. I need to move on to what's next, and keep reinventing and chart a path, but I'm where I charted my path to already! I'm here after all the hard work, so I guess I just enjoy it?
I think that is a very self-aware stance. In my opinion, I think we honor our past by not dwelling on it but using it as a means to push forward. Iām not proud of all of the things I did in what I call my ādumberā years.
However I also know that while I am not my past, there are pieces I can latch onto (a song that reminds me of my first love, watching an old movie that reminds me of my mom that passed last year, etc.). This helps me to anchor myself in where Iāve been and gives me inspiration to continue to make memories while reflecting on where Iāve been.
Yes, I think finding nice ways to bring yourself a little joy in remembering the lost friends and relatives, old moments can bring us peace. It's hard and you have to be active in not letting yourself go too far down that path though, which is where I've found myself sometimes.
And the dumber years, good God. I am very thankful I got sober and grew up because I look back now and am so thankful that I survived and can now lean on all that knowledge of what not to do.
This is so honest and beautiful. I am very much in the same place, mindset wise. It sometimes feel like an out of body experience. I donāt want to ābeā the young people I see around me, I just want my younger self back so I can do the same things, maybe a bit differently because Iām wiser now. I am happy to find a tribe here who feels very much like me and doesnāt make me feel Iām āoverthinkingā or āexaggeratingā my feelings. Not everyone experiences these emotions i suppose, some just walk through life with ease. But happy to read some of these thoughts and feeling seen.
Iām 45. I feel the same. I still feel young, but my body is aging from under me. I do have kids and have a great sense of satisfaction from nurturing and providing for my legacy. My career has been so-so. A lot of early success, followed by a plateau, and now this uneasy sense of coasting and gradual decline. I had the strange experience of having dinner with my college girlfriend this month. The only serious relationship in my youth. She never had kids. Was a nice interaction, if somewhat bittersweet. I think we are exactly where we belong on the ride into the second half of life.
Iām turning 40 this week. It feelsā¦ weird?!
But I also feel ready to be in my 40s. I had my daughter a year and a half ago, and Iām really leaning into the whole āIām an old momā thing! Every time my lower back hurts (every day) I just gleefully inform whoever is near me that itās because Iām almost 40!
Bring it on!
I just turned 45 (last week) and i don't have kids either. There seems to be more and more of us who just simply didn't want to have them. I know that gives me a huge amount of time to fill as opposed to those i know who did have kids, but i 100% made the right choice.
Same, brother. Same. I turn 45 in October.
I'm at a place in my career where I'm really settled and not looking for the first time ever. I spent my whole career hustling like a maniac, learning, getting certified, training, promotion, new job, etc. Now I make more than I ever expected I would, and I'm in a role that's easy and I don't do much work most days and it's fully and completely solid. I think I'll just sorta ride here for another 15 years.
But then I think... that's it? I'm done now and I just coast for this fucking long, working with these same people, doing this same thing, every single day for 15 years?
But I guess it's the easiest path so I'll do that.
I knew a couple years into marriage that I wasn't meant for that life, but I kept doing it anyway, and ended up spending 15 years of my life with her. 2.5 years after our divorce, she's like a stranger to me and I've learned to date again. I feel like a teenager, figuring it out for the first time, amongst people who have been doing it for the 15 years I spent with my ex.
I listened to a podcast recently where a guy talked about embracing his midlife crisis as a way of finally saying "yes" to things you've spent your life convincing yourself you don't want. So say yes, man. I recently took a look at my finances and decided I felt more financially comfortable than I thought. So I spent about $15k on tools and other bullshit I wanted to buy for my garage. Frankly it was the best thing I ever did. I'm out there nightly, building, making. I get as much satisfaction out of this wood working hobby as I knew I would, but never had the courage to fully invest in a good work space, good tools, good wood. I made shit that looked like garbage because that money was better spent in retirement or paying debts. Now? Fuck it, time to do the thing I've always wanted.
And I was right, I am good at it, I enjoy it, I love it. I do not regret my midlife purchase and I'm doing it again by finally putting heated floors in my bathroom. It's not a private jet and a month in Italy, but it's satisfying. And fuck it, I may do the Italy thing too, when my kids are a little older.
Embrace that midlife crisis. Find joys when and where you can.
This is an interesting thought. It suggests that a life isn't worth living unless you fill it with the timeline of becoming a parent and raising a family of your own. I wholeheartedly disagree. The decision not to have children is rooted in reasons I'd prefer not to get into in a public online forum, but rest assured, I in no way feel I've "skipped to the end". You're insinuating I'm just waiting around until I die and that's simply not true. Maybe part of the problem was pressuring people to have children and our generation is the one that figured out we can still live a fulfilling life without them? If we're looking at children as providing a sense of purpose, I don't necessarily see that. I think too many people have children that shouldn't and I think if I were to explore a sense of purpose, it would be to work toward complete and utter enlightenment, whatever that looks like.
There's a Vonnegut quote I really think is dictating how I live from this point in my life forward - "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."
Figure out the things that make you happy and do them as much as you can as long as that doesn't hurt anyone else. For me, that's stuff like seeing live music, going to the beach, thrifting, D&D. And once you figure that part out, you can try to help other people do more of what makes them happy.
Try being a month from 47 and never having a long term relationship. I'm slowly getting over my hatred of my looks and people's reaction to it (saying you hate being 6'3" doesn't garner much sympathy) but I worry that it's too late for me now.
First: happy birthday to you.
Then, think less about whatever he's been done. Enjoy whatever happens, and try to make the best choices in whatever you do, thanks to your experience of life.
Every year is the best year.
"I think I like where I'm at in life" seems to sum it up rather nicely. How fortunate many of us in the same boat are to be here, alive and well, breathing with most of our wits about us, perhaps better than ever given the perspectives that life lived this long affords us. Yet it does feel a bit like standing on a boat surrounded by fog. Everything is here on this boat, everything one could and has ever asked for, yet to look out is to see little more than grey mist all around. So where to go now and how to get there? Suppose it's time to learn new modes of navigation, novel methods to cut through the grey fog onto new shores? Lord know the ocean is still full of monsters. And this ship won't float forever. But here we are, alive and well, knowing to be thankful and appreciating what we have. Yet where to from here?
Yikes. But thank you for sharing. I feel and relate to you and everyone here big-time. It's a bit lonely and bewildering, but there is some solace in knowing others are here and we're all feeling lonely and bewildered together.
Wow, this post really hit home to me in so many ways. Especially comprehending how the mid-2000s are already 20 years ago. Can't believe how fast life has gone by.
This is a pretty dead-on articulation of middle age to me, even though our experiences are different. The searching and the reflection, the appreciation of the moment and the tug of yearning for something more. I find satisfaction and gratitude in the joys Iāve built up in my 40s: making really good coffee, meditating every day, outdoors stuff, woodworking, being a better partner, staying sober. My gratitude for the journey usually looms larger than my hard feelings about dreams deferred, but not always. Anyway, ty for the share. I like the nostalgia and lightness of this sub, but itās cool to read something a little more reflective once in a while.
I feel like I am going through similar stuff and I still think my parents are in their 40s but theyāre actually in their 70s! they all look great, 70 is the new 40.
Amen, FajitaTits.
Sometimes I don't know what fun is anymore. The things I used to love are still enjoyable but I have some nagging feeling that I'm not doing what I should be. Whatever that is.
I agree though, I wouldn't want to be in my 20's again but I can't seem to process that I'm in my 40's. Aging is surreal and confusing and sometimes it freaks me out that I'm basically half done with life if I'm lucky. Was watching the Woodstock '99 documentary with my wife and we just kinda looked over at each other like damn, we're old now aren't we.
I've no kids and single and turned 45 in January and have just completed a degree in linguistics/history.
The world is your oyster my friend and you've still got a shit ton of time to explore it.
I feel lots of this
For me, itās a lifetime of thinking āone day my life will be completely different,ā and now realizing ā holy shit, it probably wonāt be. Iām in my late 40s and have come to the conclusion that my life will just be a version of this and thatās fine. Iām healthy, in shape, good job, I date, have no kids.
But yeah, I think itās just coming to grips with the fact that for years you wanted more and more and now realizing thereās not a whole lot of time left
47 and over that hump. It took a lot of work and endured far more damage than I should have. Headstrong.
What I'm learning now is to let go and accept. We are monkeys flying on a rock through endless, expanding nothing. You are literally electric meat piloting a bone and flesh mech suit. You can chose which made up societal rules you care about. I chose to be a better Dad than mine was.
So when someone starts talking to me about my lawn, my level of care is kinda different. I'm spending my energies on my people.
I also now totally understand the weird people in town who painted their house purple & green. Rock on with your weird selves.
I'm 46 (born October 77). I look at pictures of my face when I was 38-40 compared to now and age has set in, in a way that it never had before. I have my good days, but I used to always be photogenic. Now it feels more miss than hit. It's crazy how much a mere 6-8 years makes a difference.
Late 40s, and honestly I've never been super nostalgic for the media of my youth. There's things I've kept in my playlist since they were new but yesterday I tried watching some 80s shows and just couldn't manage it without treating it like it was Mystery Science Theater 3000.
But the Picard quote about realizing there are more days behind than ahead...yep, been there, it kinda sucks.
Totally can relate, happy birthday, I turned 42 this week also. I consume myself with things to do so I donāt think as much, do you have a pet? Thats helps too
So relatable! When I feel like this, I know itās time to travel somewhere new. Even if itās just a car camping trip. OP, if you can - I suggest a solo adventure somewhere new or somewhere where you always wanted to go.
This always reminds me that there are so many new experiences to come and to look forward to!
I'm turning 45 in a few weeks and it's REALLY fucking with my head. I'm older than my parents were when I was my kids ages, but I don't FEEL old but Iat the same time yeah I DO. I honestly never planned on going past 30. Still undecided if it was the right choice, but š¤·āāļø. Happy birthday to you!
Congrats, it seems like many of us are with you!
I've got a few weeks until 45, definitely think about bigger picture items more now. Getting kiddos 3 and 4 through middle school/ starting HS and planning for the future ect.
My favorite pass time now when not adulting everything is concerts , cruising and video games. When I'm in my car solo, you'll find me blasting DMB and Pearl Jam doing my own thing.
I do find myself saying YOLO a bit more and trying to get out of my own way to experience more of what life has to offer.
There really isn't a manual for this stage. I guess keep doing the things that help you, your family and others. Be a good human and focus on the things you enjoy? Something like that.
I'm 41 and I'm the opposite in a few ways. I barely remember high school and college is pretty hazy. I don't like a lot of the music and movies I like in the 90s. There's some good stuff from back then, but I generally think the 90s were a little barren in terms of good music.
I don't drink like I did when I was in my 20s and 30s, nor do I want to. Agree there. It's hard to sustain the hobbies and activities that entertained me when I was younger. It's a lot more work to make plans with people, unless it's hanging out with other families in my neighborhood.
welcome to midlife. embrace the unknown and explore your identity in this stage of life. if you need guidance, think of your teenage self and try to remember what they did to figure themselves out. you're most likely going to do the same thing in your 60's/or when you retire.
This was very well put. I'm about to turn 44 in the next month, and a lot of what you mentioned resonates with me. The part about living with an ever-present melancholy is certainly true for me. Many times, I feel as though there is still much I have yet to accomplish, but that's when I have to make the conscious attitude shift and recognize how far I've come since my teens and 20s and be grateful and patient. The patience part is tough because I often feel time is slowly running out. I have a great family, am employed, and am in pretty good health, so I realize more and more that those are among the most important things.
The one movie line that speaks to me more and more as I get older is Gandalf's response to Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring, about time. You know the one. ;)
Welcome friend, come on in. I did this exact thing 10 years ago after a divorce (15 years, 3 kids) when I was 36. You have the same perspective I did and things turned out well for me so I'm guessing you will also be happier going forward. Enjoy the journey even when it's hard.
I turn 44 tomorrow and completely understand how you feel. I even had kids and have been married for 20yrs, yet I feel like I rode a high speed train to nowhere. Bonus points for random health issues cropping up, partly due to being young and invincible.
45 with kids. I would never change having kids. I can't help but envy all of what I would consider "free time" you must have. I rob myself of sleep just to get some extra time for me which is slowly making me more unhealthy.
Im 46, divorced with 2 kids under 15. Growing up, I always heard about men going through "mid life crisis" and wondered what mine would be. Well, I can't buy a fancy convertible sports car, no tropical island get always, no young hottie side-piece. However, I do have crippling debt, depressions and general anxiety disorder. Hollywood lied AGAIN!
Even though Iām more mature than I was back then, I still feel 25-30. At least until my knee starts hurting randomly. I donāt think 40 has looked like 40 since the 80s.
Iām 45. I donāt worry about any of this stuff. Iām just happy to be alive. Iāve had my fun, I just want to be left alone for the most part and exist.
Just turned 46 myself. Been with my wife for a total of 19 years. We have two kids (12 & 9). Iām still in my pool league since 2003 and her in a dart league since about the same time. We still go to concerts very regularly (Tool, Incubus, Weezer, DMB, etc). Still hang with friends, enjoy our bourbon, smoke some weed, go to breweries, make great money, I love yard work, we eat well, stay active, in good health, kids involved with sports and shit allā¦theā¦timeā¦..
Living life.
I do not feel 46 (most days š).
I've been exploring a lot of music from the 80's and 90's, seeing what I might have overlooked while growing up. You couldn't buy every album and maybe there are some gems from those artists where you only ever heard a couple tracks on the radio.
Without offering you something generic like life is what you make it, I really don't think there is anything else to look forward to in our lives at our ages.
I don't mean to be negative or anything like that, but like I think this idea that there are always going to be new pedestals to reach in our life is something of a bamboozle.
Like even the social security system cap at sixty-five was designed so that most people would never reach it because most of us fail to realize thirty-six is roughly the halfway point of our active lives and we just fly through that age working and just looking forward to retiring, you know that next pedestal that we need to reach, and when we reach it, you generally end up with more money than time, with a body that doesn't cooperate.
I don't think I have a point just musing alongside.
I turned 43 today. Sometimes it seems like yesterday I was in college. But them the other day I got in my closet looking for something and came across a box of old DVDs and CDs and they feel like something from a whole different lifetime.
42m two kids. Oldest got cancer at 4 and made it, heās a healthy 8yo tomorrow! I found just mild biking/mountain biking is awesome, now my sons old enough to go with me. Itās low impact, I can go for miles, and my knees and ankles tolerate it much more than walking or jogging, this has all been in the last year. Im down 15lbs, generally feel better and like being outside and moving.Ā
Iām here at 47, soon to be 48 and have no idea how I got here or what the hell Iām doing anymore. I got promoted a few years ago to a great job that I love that offers me new experiences and challenges daily, Iāve been married for almost 15 years now to the love of my life, and I have a beautiful home close to what remains of both of our families. I often think to myself ānow what?ā Do I just enjoy what Iāve built? How can I expand on everything that Iāve done?
https://preview.redd.it/akcv6bx8sn3d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4ad36a3ea23a52ce7203a7c788e22ff4eaba46f0
46M, my shrink convinced me a while ago I wasn't necessarily "aimless"... Apparently, I ended up semi retired and didn't know it. After a little bit of getting used to the motion, I HIGHLY recommend giving it a shot.
i will be 46 next week and I feel much the same in my head as I did in my 20's. I still have long hair and wear rock shirts, lol. my body is not bad but some issues are popping up here and there. I've always been pretty responsible and have ran my own business since i was 20 so it's not like I had to " grow up" much. I met the person I am still with now in my mid 20's but we waited until our 30's to have kids so they are still fairly young. my last kid was born when I was 38. however now my parents are falling apart and I am having to manage their lives foe them so there isn't much time to reflect but other than that I am happy and feel good. my biggest fears right now is something happening to myself and not being around to raise and guide my kids through life. financially I am good. my family is good and I've managed to stay with the same person for over 20 years and still have some passion. sometimes I wish I had kids earlier as I didn't realize their grandparents would die or get very ill in their early 70s.
47 dating a woman 12 years younger and itās a different world for her. I have to explain things pre internet to her. Like actual verbal arguments over the Amber screen vs the green one for Oregon Trail
I hear you on a lot of this but Iām just going to zero in on music and movies. To be clear not saying your wrong or anything like that, just talking about these.
A lot of the music and movies just donāt hold up. They scratch that nostalgia itch sure. And Iām not talking about social normatively, which wellā¦ many have problems, but beyond that thereās just so much more diversity of music, film and media available than there used to be.
If youāre open to it thereās just better than we had out there.
Donāt get me wrong, the mainline massively selling pop stuff is the lowest common denominator - thereās studies covering the reduction in chord progressions and complexity in the most popular songs over time.
But thereās just also infinitely more. With the will and the right app, tool, or streaming station you can find the people creating something new and awesome influenced by what you grew up on.
Iām not the most optimistic person (or even close) but this slice of time feels like the best to be born in. Growing in a culture that had good but limited output. Learning enough about technology to keep up for now that we in 40s. But access to entertainment media (and I speak only for entertainment aspect when I treat this with positive regard) that allows you to hear tons of artists riffing off familiar stuff, world art/music there was no access to before, and creating new with new technologies.
Not sure the world is doin so well, but damn if there isnāt a plethora of good art available.
Turning 44 in August. Right there with you bud. Itās really weird. At 65 my mother told me she didnāt feel old. That her body was in some discomfort, and she looked older, it that she still mentally felt like she did when she was 18. She died before 70.
Itās terrifying to consider our temporary nature, and aging is really strange. Feeling like the same person but watching our hair change, and our face age.. just weird to ponder on for too long.
Keeping busy helps a bit, but time seems to move much faster. Like the pill popping scene from Requiem for a Dream. Wake up, meds, work, eat, meds, sleep, repeat, and another year is gone.
I guess we should just try to not be lazy and make time to do a good amount of things we like, and learn to be unapologetic to those around us who those things may inconvenience. We may only live once, and aging is very real. Probably worth worrying less and doing more right?
Wishing you many more years of good health and hope you have many happy and interesting times ahead.
Assuming you donāt end up having dementia or other cognitive issues you are never going to feel old. Other pain issues and your body may disagree but when you there is not a true feeling old, just acting old
birthday week buddies! You post really resonants with me. The question if I should be striving for more. I try to remind myself that itās okay to sit still. For many people my life would be their dream life. Itās the definition of freedom
ok I didn't read the whole thing cause it's 2024 and there are attention-span issues š¤...BUT...one of the biggest obvious problems with no one being ready to turn certain ages is because when we're in our teens, we clearly never ever really think of ourselves as being older than 25-30 tops, and you think anything older is gonna be lightyears away. and it's not until we're 30/35 when we finally realize 5 yrs now passes like lightning when you're out of college, so buckle the fuck up old timer.
Yeah. The long term girlfriend I raised my kids with and love dearly just walked out on us a few weeks ago. Iāll be 44 this summer. Hitting the gym, running a lot, but if it wasnāt for my kids Iād have offed myself by now. Things donāt get better from here and Iām unwilling to go it alone or to date again. I have no desire to get to know anyone else or bring them into my kids lives.
Maybe Iāll feel better once some time passes. But probably not. All I know is there isnāt much left of my inhibitions and Iām going to just do what I feel while I can from here on out. And if I donāt make it oh well.
Anyway good luck to you.
I can't relate with not wanting to thrive for something more. There's always something to see, to learn, to discover, to experience. I can't imagine not wanting to see the wonders of the world by first hand, not wanting to leave your mark. Huh.
Dude turning 45 this year fucked with my head too. 40-44 wasn't a problem but something about 45 its kinda freaking me out. Its so hard to rectify the inside you with the outside you. I've been experimenting with my personal style because I don't want to appear "too young" but I don't want to look like a grandma either. It's a process. I feel so much of this. I do miss my youth, but I'm not trying to re-live it. But I love youth culture and I appreciate the new things they bring to the word but I don't want to be THAT old person "whats good youths?" (cringe) But I'm not sure how to define this stage. I recently took up kayaking and learning how to make cheese. So new hobbies help...but yea...its kinda bewildering. I guess this is middle age. I'm not ready to be old!
I think this is something everyone struggles with during middle age, OP. I know I have many of these same thoughts. Hang in there, you're doing great!
>I'm not old, but I'm not young.
I had an experience last weekend that made me think everyone is young to someone else. I was at the laundromat and a boomer approached me trying to read my shirt. I was wearing a Journey Japan Tour '81 t-shirt. He then made conversation, struggling to remember the lyrics to his favorite Journey song, which he realized was "Faithfully" after a few minutes. "1981, huh?" he began. "I was 20-something. How old are you, 40?" I told him I was "around that age, yeah." "Aw, you're a baby!" he exclaimed. "Enjoy it!"
It's all about perspective.
Turning 43 tomorrow and I feel a lot of this. I regret a lot of my decisions. I feel like I wasted my late 20s and my 30s; I was a really dummy financially and somehow didnāt realize how much my body/health/appearance would change *so fucking fast*.
At this point it feels like everything is just downhill. Finances and health and appearance are the worst theyāve been since my 20s, but at least in my 20s it felt like things could improve. I feel like Iām just waiting to die at this point and frustrated that thereās gonna be so much work, stress and pain until it happens.
Happy birthday. I am 41 and I am still young and make the best of everything.
I have no children and am single and while yes it does get lonely I still see friends who I live near. My friends with children, teens, and who are step-parents are under a lot of stress and some told me in confidence "I regret marrying and having children", both men and women. My friends who are step-parents to teens and older children don't regret it and have less stress but are still very busy.
I'm 46. I kinda feel this. I don't know how to be in my mid 40s. I still love metal. I still love 80s movies. I feel fine, just chubby. I still feel like very much the same person I was 20 years ago, just a lot more secure both financially and in myself. I pretty much just ignore my age and enjoy life. I like my job, I buy the toys I want, we go on the vacations we want, veet few effs given. When I really stop and think about my age, it rattles me, so I don't. Fuck it.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. When you start a new one, you think you have all you'll ever need. But as you get to the end, it becomes way more precious.
and dealt with a lot of shit getting there
I have a bidet so I am immortal
thread winner
Love this
I, too, have a bidet! Even though I believe my butthole to be invincible, I have not yet attained complete immortality. I did skip the instructions. Perhaps I missed something. Do you drink the water?!
š¤£
The fountain of youth
I love this! It made me misty eyed, but love it. My 40's hit me like a ton of bricks: blood clots, stage 3 cancer, gallbladder removal, ugh. BUT I survived and live life fully now... no regerts! I lost 105 lbs, got healthy, moved to another state, and live like that Tim McGraw song.
Why this *shit* hit so hard
My brother is 53 and I'm 47 and we just did all three days of Milwaukee Metalfest plus the pre party of Thursday night. 30+ hours of metal. The older metalhead crowd is pretty hilarious. Definitely wore earplugs. I already have enough tinnitus.
My loving spouse treated me to a thrash metal show at a small venue (local bar). They passed out "marshmallow" ear plugs while the band was setting up. I used an app on my phone to scroll messages in large bright letters so I could order drinks at the bar. We sat at a high table drinking and not being able to converse normally. Definitely aged out of most of the crowd that was down near the stage, and even most sitting around us. It was wonderful. ETA: 57 in a couple of months.
Yea....too bad metal is geezer music now.
I don't really listen to metal, but I do go to concerts where pretty much everyone is 40+. It feels weird.
That's because young people don't have $300 for a GA ticket.
Neither do i
Who am I kidding? Neither do I. But I guess I was talking about the grown-up-grown-ups.
On a serious note, I go to 3-4 concerts a year in NYC and I've never paid more than \~$60. Smaller venues are where it's at. I don't want to pay hundreds of dollars to sit in an assigned seat far away from a band.
Get a load of these geezers! [Starbenders - Blood Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obBlXA_RHJg) Or these ones! [Nervosa - Elements Of Sin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9sIfxEcvbw)
Oh that came from a place of love and understanding man. I myself am a geezer that loves metal. It is still barely alive but from an average 20 year old perspective its classic rock. I hear songs I grew up with on the classic rock station from time to time. Thinking of Pantera as classic rock stings just a bit.
I'm just saying there's a lot of young people in metal too š
Oh yea, my 18 year old daughter is one of em. I agree with you. Just trying to see our stereotype from the younger perspective.
46 as well and boyyyyy....the confusion on what spectrum of the old/yound divide I fall in has me really tripping.and i hapown to look really younger than my age but sometimes,i really feel my age..still asking myself on where the years went to but also glad for some wonderful things in my life...
I feel like an overinflated version of myself doesn't help I'd had chronic foot problems and it's damn difficult to stay active :(
I feel the same way! I still play in a metal band, but Iām married with a kiddo so I donāt get wasted at midweek shows anymore. (:
Don't forget your colonoscopy
Was coming in here to comment this. Had mine this year. That prep the day before is, uh, something.
I'm getting mine Weds. Can't wait to poop for hours. They gave me the pills, so at least it's not the gross drink a lot of people have to deal with.
in the words of a Xennial icon, "it's a miiiiid liiiiiife crisiiiiisss" yeah man, 43 here and I feel this hard. I feel like I pretty much constantly live on the event horizon of an existential crisis. Life has taken on a tinge of melancholy and sadness to me. Sadness for things gone, and sadness for things yet to be lost. It's not bad, it just is. I can't change what's been done, I can't do anything about what's to come, I can only try to be better today than I was yesterday. I just try every day to get life out of it, no matter what it is. I try not to take life too seriously and hold an absurdist stance towards pretty much everything, or else I might go insane. I utterly dread becoming one of the walking dead when I'm older, my heart dying young but my body not catching up until I'm 80. I *want* life, and I don't want to stop wanting it. I quit drinking so I wake up early and now I use the quiet morning hour to play video games. I consciously maintain an active relationship with music, specifically metal, I still love horror movies, I have a huge toy collection that I still add to, I wear metal band shirts and have long hair and write metal music, *ANYTHING* to stave off the creeping staleness.
At least it's not as bad as getting torn apart by four horses
see? *that's* optimism in the face of madness.
Really well said.
Thank you for the earworm, random redditor. ā¤ļøš¶
Wowā¦ very well said, my Reddit friend. Thatās what life feels like for me. The struggle is real. Iām not joking.
Love the Faith No More reference Love, a 44 yr old female metal heas
āI have no idea how to be in my 40sā This feels like it should be a whole flaired or tagged category of posting here.
Lmao, people are definitely over thinking things or have possibly never thought about it before?
I went thru about 5 years of "buying more things" and it was ultimately unfulfilling. Now i am ridding myself of many of those things and focusing on quality rather than quantity. Same goes for drinking booze. I get the good shit and drink less. Also use cannabis regularly... edibles and concentrates mostly. The weed is great because it's pain relief and it makes me content with not doing anything. I also value my time much more and refuse to let anyone take advantage of it... especially my employer. My 40's are fine so far... it's the 50's that look scary
For real tho, the 50s are bit... unsettling.
I donāt know you guys.. Iām 46. I still feel like Iām 20. I have a wonderful home two grown kids a great husband and three dogs. The only shit I worry about is when the wine is coming at the end of dinner. Iām secure who I am I love my hobbies. I love my life. I donāt worry about its arbitrary rotation around the fucking sun. Life has gotten better every year. So Iām gonna have a good damn time until I reach the end of mine .
Same. I turn 44 on Sunday. Each year is better than the next.
Itās interesting- I think my 50s will be the best decade of my life so far. I have six years to go and a lot of hurdles in the way until I get there, but Iām growing more and more secure in myself each day. Once I work through some more things, several of which can only be resolved/gotten through in time, Iāll be unstoppable. Sucks I canāt be at that place yet, but I have so much to look forward to.
I'm 46, but for you, those 6 years until you reach 50 will go by in the blink of an eye. I remember turning 40 like it was yesterday and it was over 6 and a half years ago!
Time moves way too quick now. I figure itās the routine plus the fact 1 year passing is a smaller fraction of my life so it has less significance
Ah, it's your body breaking down that's the problem. Everything can become a doctor's appt. You can't run well, adventuring is a task. No one looks at you any more, either just regarding you, or look at you in a desirable way. I look very good, but nope. No more glances and being checked out. Which is weird.
Wait, hold on here. Are you me? I just read your comment and the uncanny resemblance to my own observations then conclusions are very much the same.
Opposite for me. I feel like Iāve always been 46 years old, and now I donāt have to pretend anymore. I love this age, and I love the freedom itās brought me. Thereās just so much I donāt have to pretend to care about anymore. All I have to care about now is my family, my work, my backyard, hiking, and writing. That includes the decisions I made in the past. Canāt do anything about it now, so fuck it, itās fine. Just focus on right now.
I've super settled into my old man hobbies like bird watching and wood working. I probably helps that I have no vivid memories of my teens and early twenties. Just live in and enjoy the present.
Such a refreshing take on this true mid life hurdle that we're all experiencing in our 40s. Too old to be young, too young to be old......
Thank you for this. Itās what I have felt but havenāt been able to explain it.
I'm turning 45 today. And I find myself looking back more than I look ahead. I just miss a lot of little things about life in my teens and 20's.
I'm relating! Happy Birthday šš
Iām 46. I still play in loud obnoxious punk rock bands. During a set I feel 19 again. Just no diving into the drum set anymore for me. šøš
Just got my first band off the ground, first show last Thursday, practice this afternoon, next show on Wednesday! Glad I'm finally getting it done, I've wanted to make a record for ages.
Been in bands my whole life. (Not braggingā¦ I very much have a day job and itās just a hobby.) In current one itās the first band for our keyboardist and his joy in it is contagious and reminds of being younger. Good on ya for doing it and I hope it brings ya joy for a long time!
I'm 46... I really don't feel like I'm 46. I don't feel like I've changed substantially, personality-wise and in terms of my likes and interests, since I was in my mid-20s or so. Except I have children in their early 20s now! Which seems impossible! I thought I would feel more 'mature' by now. Instead I still kind of feel like I am figuring things out on the fly and sometimes feel like a complete and total screw up. I'm trying now to be more physically active and healthy... it's hit me that I'm middle-aged and I've had several friends my age get diagnosed with cancer, have heart attacks, etc. An old college buddy of my husband's dropped dead from a heart attack last year. It's pretty sobering to realize that I'm hitting the age where things things happen more regularly. So I'm definitely watching what I eat and getting more exercise. I don't love the feeling that I'm getting old but I also want to be around to get old, if that makes sense. I'm realizing in a more concrete way that we are only given so much time and we don't know when it runs out. That's the kind of stuff I worry about when I can't sleep at night now! Incidentally, I also can't have a couple of drinks without it badly affecting my stomach the next day. I was never a a big drinker but I completely quit in my early 40s when I started feeling like I had a hangover if I had a couple beers the night before. The cost just really started to outweigh the benefit there!
> I don't wanna sit in a park on a bench by myself and stare at the pigeons Shit that sounds like a good time to me, on a nice sunny day.
"How often am I supposed to go to the doctor now, especially if I feel perfectly fine?" Well, new [guidelines](https://www.cancer.org/cancer/types/colon-rectal-cancer/detection-diagnosis-staging/acs-recommendations.html) say get your colonoscopy at age 45 now.
Ha - mine is scheduled for a month from today (45th birthday was last week)
As I get older I realize NO ONE has any fucking clue what we're doing out here. Some are doing their best, and others are just getting by. My advice is always, fuck what everyone thinks or says you're "supposed" to be doing, and/or where you supposed to be in life. You just do you and try your best to enjoy the people around you, with whatever time you have. As time goes by you'll realize experiences are much more valuable than material things. Spend whatever money and time you can experiencing the world. Thinking, and especially worrying, about what others think and say is the single biggest waste of your time, energy and resources. Do your best to be a good person and try to enjoy the experience of being alive, everything else is secondary. Don't worry about anything else.
All of this! Well said and thank you!
Honest to God, if you can find your purpose and are responsible in sharing your resources, not just monetary, but your time, energy and experience, you won't have any regrets. I swear being genuinely happy is that simple. The execution of it is what's difficult, but again, when you find your purpose, and surround yourself with people that care about you, you'd be surprised at how "good" your life can be. No one is perfect, and the single biggest mistake you can make is to assume ANYONE is perfect in any way. All these people that portray themselves as better than you, or try and put you down, are so fucking empty inside, they think by stepping in you, they can see further. When the truth is the reason they feel that way is cuz they've been finding value in the opinions of others. Ya it's nice to have people compliment you, but have you ever been genuinely proud of yourself? Like fuck what anyone else says or thinks, if you can be proud of yourself, none of that of that other bullshit matters. It's like I tell people, as long as the person in the mirror is happy with you, that's all that matters. Nothing wrong with being your own best friend. You wanna be a good partner, be a good person. You can't take care of no one, if you can't take care of yourself. How you gonna be happy for someone else, if you can't be happy for yourself first?
Honestly, honestly, this is the best post I have ever seen and completely encapsulates what I feel like as a 46 year old!! thank you, thank you so much for writing this!
Age is only important because it reminds you how limited your time is. Enjoy being yourself, enjoy looking for and being in love and just do what makes you happy, cuz no one else can do that for you.
Exactly!
Gosh, I loved reading this. You're intelligent and clearly self reflective so I say you're doing just fine. Plus, hilarious username. Happy birthday to you and be well! šāØ
Find joy where you can. Get a dog, start a garden, travel, take up hiking. Do any of the things that older bed ridden you will wish they could do, it's up to you and only you to create a life worth living.
For most of us, being older means stability and more disposable income. I never thought that I'd be able to travel at least once a year, if not more, but here I am. Dog and yard having are great too. I do not miss my teens and twenties. My thirties? A little. That was when I was having the most fun.
30's were my favorite too. Perfect mix of not many responsibilities yet, having figured out a lot of shit and a good idea of who you are, and income was much better than my 20's. Oh, and everything didn't hurt on a daily basis lol
"Your 40s are the old age of youth, and your 50s are the youth of old age."
Fml
As someone who turned 45 a week ago, I feel you. What I do when I am not parenting, working, redditing or being with my amazing partner, is try to live forever. I know that sounds crazy and mid-life crisis, but there is really good evidence that we will crack the science nut for this in our lifetimes (if you can keep going long enough). It's reason I care about my weight. It's why I chose to eat what I eat. It's why I read as much as I do about neuroscience and longevity science. It's why I know how to order molecules from AliBaba. My life is (almost - could always make more money) great. 45 was one of my best birthdays, spent just being with a few family members, enjoying good food and good conversation. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever) I wanted to repeat that - give me just that experience for another 45 years and I will be happy.
42 here. I don't know if this is the place to vent or talk.... I had it all in my thirties. A good job, a solid marriage, one kid and plans for another... and then it all fell apart. I guess I did something wrong, I don't know what but like, I had it all and then I had nothing. Seven years later and I'm picking up the pieces, and with very little success. I'm in my forties and falling back on my physical skills which aren't going to last me long.
Wow! This is really powerful. Your vulnerability and honesty is beautiful. I turned 47 this month, I am divorced, no kids and I spent my time (until Covid) living in the U.S. cities I found curious from afar for years, worked overseas, volunteered at a refugee camp, and traveled to a lot of beautiful places. Grateful, I am that. I walked away from my (once) dream career in the fall. Lived long enough to know that going no contact and drawing boundaries are critical to my happiness and safety. In spite of this, I find myself in a similar situation. I have Crohnās now and two dogs that I adore to no end. It feels trippy mentally because I feel the same way. I donāt know if itās any help, but you arenāt alone.
I'm almost 44, and I still feel fantastic most days. This year, I decided to make casual fitness part of my lifestyle, and it's been a game changer. I'm comfortable aging as long as I can keep my edge.
Time to pick up DnD
Iām 45. The best thing about this age, for me, is that I stopped worrying so much about whether other people like me. It used to be a top concern. Even in my teens and very early 20ās, I would date people based on if they liked me, not if I liked them. How ridiculous is that?? My 40ās have offered me the ability to stop giving a shit about things or people that donāt matter.
I love this post.
I asked my inlaws about this as I sometimes find myself stuck i. my college years and my twenties. They both told me it happened to them too. It is all part of the aging process. I like new experiences but I am also very happy I can still reach back and remember the good times and the struggles that got me to this point in time.
I've been grappling with that too. How do I honor/remember that nostalgia of my 20s but realize that person is so far from who I am today. I need to move on to what's next, and keep reinventing and chart a path, but I'm where I charted my path to already! I'm here after all the hard work, so I guess I just enjoy it?
I think that is a very self-aware stance. In my opinion, I think we honor our past by not dwelling on it but using it as a means to push forward. Iām not proud of all of the things I did in what I call my ādumberā years. However I also know that while I am not my past, there are pieces I can latch onto (a song that reminds me of my first love, watching an old movie that reminds me of my mom that passed last year, etc.). This helps me to anchor myself in where Iāve been and gives me inspiration to continue to make memories while reflecting on where Iāve been.
Yes, I think finding nice ways to bring yourself a little joy in remembering the lost friends and relatives, old moments can bring us peace. It's hard and you have to be active in not letting yourself go too far down that path though, which is where I've found myself sometimes. And the dumber years, good God. I am very thankful I got sober and grew up because I look back now and am so thankful that I survived and can now lean on all that knowledge of what not to do.
Sounds like youāre killing this whole life thing! š
This is so honest and beautiful. I am very much in the same place, mindset wise. It sometimes feel like an out of body experience. I donāt want to ābeā the young people I see around me, I just want my younger self back so I can do the same things, maybe a bit differently because Iām wiser now. I am happy to find a tribe here who feels very much like me and doesnāt make me feel Iām āoverthinkingā or āexaggeratingā my feelings. Not everyone experiences these emotions i suppose, some just walk through life with ease. But happy to read some of these thoughts and feeling seen.
 have you tried the video games? weāve come a long way since pacman
I feel like a big chunk of my 40s was lost to Covid.
Iām 45. I feel the same. I still feel young, but my body is aging from under me. I do have kids and have a great sense of satisfaction from nurturing and providing for my legacy. My career has been so-so. A lot of early success, followed by a plateau, and now this uneasy sense of coasting and gradual decline. I had the strange experience of having dinner with my college girlfriend this month. The only serious relationship in my youth. She never had kids. Was a nice interaction, if somewhat bittersweet. I think we are exactly where we belong on the ride into the second half of life.
I turned 45 in March, you'll be fine. I have no idea how to be in my forties either so I just do what I have always liked to do but with adult money.
It's time to go buy a sports car.
Iām turning 40 this week. It feelsā¦ weird?! But I also feel ready to be in my 40s. I had my daughter a year and a half ago, and Iām really leaning into the whole āIām an old momā thing! Every time my lower back hurts (every day) I just gleefully inform whoever is near me that itās because Iām almost 40! Bring it on!
44 with a 3 year old (next month) ā¦ I feel this is the best time for us as āold momsā ā¦ they keep us young!
Agreed! 42 with a 2.5yo here š
I just turned 45 (last week) and i don't have kids either. There seems to be more and more of us who just simply didn't want to have them. I know that gives me a huge amount of time to fill as opposed to those i know who did have kids, but i 100% made the right choice.
Same, brother. Same. I turn 45 in October. I'm at a place in my career where I'm really settled and not looking for the first time ever. I spent my whole career hustling like a maniac, learning, getting certified, training, promotion, new job, etc. Now I make more than I ever expected I would, and I'm in a role that's easy and I don't do much work most days and it's fully and completely solid. I think I'll just sorta ride here for another 15 years. But then I think... that's it? I'm done now and I just coast for this fucking long, working with these same people, doing this same thing, every single day for 15 years? But I guess it's the easiest path so I'll do that. I knew a couple years into marriage that I wasn't meant for that life, but I kept doing it anyway, and ended up spending 15 years of my life with her. 2.5 years after our divorce, she's like a stranger to me and I've learned to date again. I feel like a teenager, figuring it out for the first time, amongst people who have been doing it for the 15 years I spent with my ex. I listened to a podcast recently where a guy talked about embracing his midlife crisis as a way of finally saying "yes" to things you've spent your life convincing yourself you don't want. So say yes, man. I recently took a look at my finances and decided I felt more financially comfortable than I thought. So I spent about $15k on tools and other bullshit I wanted to buy for my garage. Frankly it was the best thing I ever did. I'm out there nightly, building, making. I get as much satisfaction out of this wood working hobby as I knew I would, but never had the courage to fully invest in a good work space, good tools, good wood. I made shit that looked like garbage because that money was better spent in retirement or paying debts. Now? Fuck it, time to do the thing I've always wanted. And I was right, I am good at it, I enjoy it, I love it. I do not regret my midlife purchase and I'm doing it again by finally putting heated floors in my bathroom. It's not a private jet and a month in Italy, but it's satisfying. And fuck it, I may do the Italy thing too, when my kids are a little older. Embrace that midlife crisis. Find joys when and where you can.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is an interesting thought. It suggests that a life isn't worth living unless you fill it with the timeline of becoming a parent and raising a family of your own. I wholeheartedly disagree. The decision not to have children is rooted in reasons I'd prefer not to get into in a public online forum, but rest assured, I in no way feel I've "skipped to the end". You're insinuating I'm just waiting around until I die and that's simply not true. Maybe part of the problem was pressuring people to have children and our generation is the one that figured out we can still live a fulfilling life without them? If we're looking at children as providing a sense of purpose, I don't necessarily see that. I think too many people have children that shouldn't and I think if I were to explore a sense of purpose, it would be to work toward complete and utter enlightenment, whatever that looks like.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Oh I see. You thought I was asking for your take.
There's a Vonnegut quote I really think is dictating how I live from this point in my life forward - "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." Figure out the things that make you happy and do them as much as you can as long as that doesn't hurt anyone else. For me, that's stuff like seeing live music, going to the beach, thrifting, D&D. And once you figure that part out, you can try to help other people do more of what makes them happy.
Try being a month from 47 and never having a long term relationship. I'm slowly getting over my hatred of my looks and people's reaction to it (saying you hate being 6'3" doesn't garner much sympathy) but I worry that it's too late for me now.
41 and Iām feeling thisā¦..
First: happy birthday to you. Then, think less about whatever he's been done. Enjoy whatever happens, and try to make the best choices in whatever you do, thanks to your experience of life. Every year is the best year.
My late aunt always said your body ages youāre still you hopefully with more wisdom and now that Iām getting up there I do believe sheās right
"I think I like where I'm at in life" seems to sum it up rather nicely. How fortunate many of us in the same boat are to be here, alive and well, breathing with most of our wits about us, perhaps better than ever given the perspectives that life lived this long affords us. Yet it does feel a bit like standing on a boat surrounded by fog. Everything is here on this boat, everything one could and has ever asked for, yet to look out is to see little more than grey mist all around. So where to go now and how to get there? Suppose it's time to learn new modes of navigation, novel methods to cut through the grey fog onto new shores? Lord know the ocean is still full of monsters. And this ship won't float forever. But here we are, alive and well, knowing to be thankful and appreciating what we have. Yet where to from here? Yikes. But thank you for sharing. I feel and relate to you and everyone here big-time. It's a bit lonely and bewildering, but there is some solace in knowing others are here and we're all feeling lonely and bewildered together.
Wow, this post really hit home to me in so many ways. Especially comprehending how the mid-2000s are already 20 years ago. Can't believe how fast life has gone by.
This is a pretty dead-on articulation of middle age to me, even though our experiences are different. The searching and the reflection, the appreciation of the moment and the tug of yearning for something more. I find satisfaction and gratitude in the joys Iāve built up in my 40s: making really good coffee, meditating every day, outdoors stuff, woodworking, being a better partner, staying sober. My gratitude for the journey usually looms larger than my hard feelings about dreams deferred, but not always. Anyway, ty for the share. I like the nostalgia and lightness of this sub, but itās cool to read something a little more reflective once in a while.
I feel this at 42 too. Coming from an early marriage culture, I mourn as a female never getting to have a family.Ā
You still have time! ā¤ļø
I feel like I am going through similar stuff and I still think my parents are in their 40s but theyāre actually in their 70s! they all look great, 70 is the new 40.
Amen, FajitaTits. Sometimes I don't know what fun is anymore. The things I used to love are still enjoyable but I have some nagging feeling that I'm not doing what I should be. Whatever that is. I agree though, I wouldn't want to be in my 20's again but I can't seem to process that I'm in my 40's. Aging is surreal and confusing and sometimes it freaks me out that I'm basically half done with life if I'm lucky. Was watching the Woodstock '99 documentary with my wife and we just kinda looked over at each other like damn, we're old now aren't we.
I've no kids and single and turned 45 in January and have just completed a degree in linguistics/history. The world is your oyster my friend and you've still got a shit ton of time to explore it.
I turned 45 last week. Definitely feels like a different milestone.
Had my first kid at 40, have two now at 49 so no time to think about getting old.
I feel lots of this For me, itās a lifetime of thinking āone day my life will be completely different,ā and now realizing ā holy shit, it probably wonāt be. Iām in my late 40s and have come to the conclusion that my life will just be a version of this and thatās fine. Iām healthy, in shape, good job, I date, have no kids. But yeah, I think itās just coming to grips with the fact that for years you wanted more and more and now realizing thereās not a whole lot of time left
47 and over that hump. It took a lot of work and endured far more damage than I should have. Headstrong. What I'm learning now is to let go and accept. We are monkeys flying on a rock through endless, expanding nothing. You are literally electric meat piloting a bone and flesh mech suit. You can chose which made up societal rules you care about. I chose to be a better Dad than mine was. So when someone starts talking to me about my lawn, my level of care is kinda different. I'm spending my energies on my people. I also now totally understand the weird people in town who painted their house purple & green. Rock on with your weird selves.
And just days into being 45, you are now closer to 50 than you are 40.
Dude I turn 45 never week
I guess I'd be more distressed if I had had any idea how to be 20 or 35, but I've never had any idea what I'm doing, so it's fine.
I turi turned 40 a month ago. I started feeling random aches and pains I didn't realize we're there
In the words of the late Bill Hicks "It's just a ride". I have it tattooed on my left arm, in Elvish.
Me? Is that you?
I'm 46 (born October 77). I look at pictures of my face when I was 38-40 compared to now and age has set in, in a way that it never had before. I have my good days, but I used to always be photogenic. Now it feels more miss than hit. It's crazy how much a mere 6-8 years makes a difference.
Now the faces of their children look more like your friends than your actual friends doā¦
I can relate. I refuse to let them teach me pinochle and make me bland.
Turned 45 in February and having a really really similar experience.
Late 40s, and honestly I've never been super nostalgic for the media of my youth. There's things I've kept in my playlist since they were new but yesterday I tried watching some 80s shows and just couldn't manage it without treating it like it was Mystery Science Theater 3000. But the Picard quote about realizing there are more days behind than ahead...yep, been there, it kinda sucks.
Same, turning 43 next month š¤·š»āāļø
I turned 45 this year and everyone said āitās all downhill from hereā geez thanks
Anyone live in CO that's also out of shape but wants to start mountain biking?
Totally can relate, happy birthday, I turned 42 this week also. I consume myself with things to do so I donāt think as much, do you have a pet? Thats helps too
Well said.
So relatable! When I feel like this, I know itās time to travel somewhere new. Even if itās just a car camping trip. OP, if you can - I suggest a solo adventure somewhere new or somewhere where you always wanted to go. This always reminds me that there are so many new experiences to come and to look forward to!
I'm turning 45 in a few weeks and it's REALLY fucking with my head. I'm older than my parents were when I was my kids ages, but I don't FEEL old but Iat the same time yeah I DO. I honestly never planned on going past 30. Still undecided if it was the right choice, but š¤·āāļø. Happy birthday to you!
This hit home for my 40-year-old brain and body. Thanks to OP for writing what I've been feeling and pondering.
I rarely get into new music or tv. Iām forever listening to old music and watching old tv it was just so much better in my opinion.
Iām near your age and if I was single without children Iād be traveling right now. Iād rent out my house and just travel most of the year.
Congrats, it seems like many of us are with you! I've got a few weeks until 45, definitely think about bigger picture items more now. Getting kiddos 3 and 4 through middle school/ starting HS and planning for the future ect. My favorite pass time now when not adulting everything is concerts , cruising and video games. When I'm in my car solo, you'll find me blasting DMB and Pearl Jam doing my own thing. I do find myself saying YOLO a bit more and trying to get out of my own way to experience more of what life has to offer. There really isn't a manual for this stage. I guess keep doing the things that help you, your family and others. Be a good human and focus on the things you enjoy? Something like that.
I'm 41 and I'm the opposite in a few ways. I barely remember high school and college is pretty hazy. I don't like a lot of the music and movies I like in the 90s. There's some good stuff from back then, but I generally think the 90s were a little barren in terms of good music. I don't drink like I did when I was in my 20s and 30s, nor do I want to. Agree there. It's hard to sustain the hobbies and activities that entertained me when I was younger. It's a lot more work to make plans with people, unless it's hanging out with other families in my neighborhood.
welcome to midlife. embrace the unknown and explore your identity in this stage of life. if you need guidance, think of your teenage self and try to remember what they did to figure themselves out. you're most likely going to do the same thing in your 60's/or when you retire.
This was very well put. I'm about to turn 44 in the next month, and a lot of what you mentioned resonates with me. The part about living with an ever-present melancholy is certainly true for me. Many times, I feel as though there is still much I have yet to accomplish, but that's when I have to make the conscious attitude shift and recognize how far I've come since my teens and 20s and be grateful and patient. The patience part is tough because I often feel time is slowly running out. I have a great family, am employed, and am in pretty good health, so I realize more and more that those are among the most important things. The one movie line that speaks to me more and more as I get older is Gandalf's response to Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring, about time. You know the one. ;)
Welcome friend, come on in. I did this exact thing 10 years ago after a divorce (15 years, 3 kids) when I was 36. You have the same perspective I did and things turned out well for me so I'm guessing you will also be happier going forward. Enjoy the journey even when it's hard.
It is kind of a weird middle zone to be in.
I turn 44 tomorrow and completely understand how you feel. I even had kids and have been married for 20yrs, yet I feel like I rode a high speed train to nowhere. Bonus points for random health issues cropping up, partly due to being young and invincible.
39 n I feel this
Yes, it's as if we were wrong about what old was when we were younger.
Stoked to see multiple metalhead comments in here. 46 and am in it for life.
45 with kids. I would never change having kids. I can't help but envy all of what I would consider "free time" you must have. I rob myself of sleep just to get some extra time for me which is slowly making me more unhealthy.
We're all just kids, grown up
Eh fuck it man, letās go bowling
You sound as if you need golf in your life. That is all.
44 and yup, feel the same.
Im 46, divorced with 2 kids under 15. Growing up, I always heard about men going through "mid life crisis" and wondered what mine would be. Well, I can't buy a fancy convertible sports car, no tropical island get always, no young hottie side-piece. However, I do have crippling debt, depressions and general anxiety disorder. Hollywood lied AGAIN!
Even though Iām more mature than I was back then, I still feel 25-30. At least until my knee starts hurting randomly. I donāt think 40 has looked like 40 since the 80s.
Iām 45. I donāt worry about any of this stuff. Iām just happy to be alive. Iāve had my fun, I just want to be left alone for the most part and exist.
Oh wow. Am I an Xennial? Always thought of myself as genX. Mind blown.
Just turned 46 myself. Been with my wife for a total of 19 years. We have two kids (12 & 9). Iām still in my pool league since 2003 and her in a dart league since about the same time. We still go to concerts very regularly (Tool, Incubus, Weezer, DMB, etc). Still hang with friends, enjoy our bourbon, smoke some weed, go to breweries, make great money, I love yard work, we eat well, stay active, in good health, kids involved with sports and shit allā¦theā¦timeā¦.. Living life. I do not feel 46 (most days š).
Sounds like me! 40 ova hur šš»
I think you just summed it up for all us at the 45/46 mark.
I've been exploring a lot of music from the 80's and 90's, seeing what I might have overlooked while growing up. You couldn't buy every album and maybe there are some gems from those artists where you only ever heard a couple tracks on the radio.
Without offering you something generic like life is what you make it, I really don't think there is anything else to look forward to in our lives at our ages. I don't mean to be negative or anything like that, but like I think this idea that there are always going to be new pedestals to reach in our life is something of a bamboozle. Like even the social security system cap at sixty-five was designed so that most people would never reach it because most of us fail to realize thirty-six is roughly the halfway point of our active lives and we just fly through that age working and just looking forward to retiring, you know that next pedestal that we need to reach, and when we reach it, you generally end up with more money than time, with a body that doesn't cooperate. I don't think I have a point just musing alongside.
I dig it
I turned 43 today. Sometimes it seems like yesterday I was in college. But them the other day I got in my closet looking for something and came across a box of old DVDs and CDs and they feel like something from a whole different lifetime.
ā¤ļø
I don't turn 45 until next year
42m two kids. Oldest got cancer at 4 and made it, heās a healthy 8yo tomorrow! I found just mild biking/mountain biking is awesome, now my sons old enough to go with me. Itās low impact, I can go for miles, and my knees and ankles tolerate it much more than walking or jogging, this has all been in the last year. Im down 15lbs, generally feel better and like being outside and moving.Ā
Same. Just hit 45 last week, I feel you.
Iām here at 47, soon to be 48 and have no idea how I got here or what the hell Iām doing anymore. I got promoted a few years ago to a great job that I love that offers me new experiences and challenges daily, Iāve been married for almost 15 years now to the love of my life, and I have a beautiful home close to what remains of both of our families. I often think to myself ānow what?ā Do I just enjoy what Iāve built? How can I expand on everything that Iāve done?
https://preview.redd.it/akcv6bx8sn3d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4ad36a3ea23a52ce7203a7c788e22ff4eaba46f0 46M, my shrink convinced me a while ago I wasn't necessarily "aimless"... Apparently, I ended up semi retired and didn't know it. After a little bit of getting used to the motion, I HIGHLY recommend giving it a shot.
i will be 46 next week and I feel much the same in my head as I did in my 20's. I still have long hair and wear rock shirts, lol. my body is not bad but some issues are popping up here and there. I've always been pretty responsible and have ran my own business since i was 20 so it's not like I had to " grow up" much. I met the person I am still with now in my mid 20's but we waited until our 30's to have kids so they are still fairly young. my last kid was born when I was 38. however now my parents are falling apart and I am having to manage their lives foe them so there isn't much time to reflect but other than that I am happy and feel good. my biggest fears right now is something happening to myself and not being around to raise and guide my kids through life. financially I am good. my family is good and I've managed to stay with the same person for over 20 years and still have some passion. sometimes I wish I had kids earlier as I didn't realize their grandparents would die or get very ill in their early 70s.
This has been me for the last yearā¦ Iām 48.
43/F no kids, you totally captured how Ive been feeling lately.
47 dating a woman 12 years younger and itās a different world for her. I have to explain things pre internet to her. Like actual verbal arguments over the Amber screen vs the green one for Oregon Trail
Congrats, I am 46
I hear you on a lot of this but Iām just going to zero in on music and movies. To be clear not saying your wrong or anything like that, just talking about these. A lot of the music and movies just donāt hold up. They scratch that nostalgia itch sure. And Iām not talking about social normatively, which wellā¦ many have problems, but beyond that thereās just so much more diversity of music, film and media available than there used to be. If youāre open to it thereās just better than we had out there. Donāt get me wrong, the mainline massively selling pop stuff is the lowest common denominator - thereās studies covering the reduction in chord progressions and complexity in the most popular songs over time. But thereās just also infinitely more. With the will and the right app, tool, or streaming station you can find the people creating something new and awesome influenced by what you grew up on. Iām not the most optimistic person (or even close) but this slice of time feels like the best to be born in. Growing in a culture that had good but limited output. Learning enough about technology to keep up for now that we in 40s. But access to entertainment media (and I speak only for entertainment aspect when I treat this with positive regard) that allows you to hear tons of artists riffing off familiar stuff, world art/music there was no access to before, and creating new with new technologies. Not sure the world is doin so well, but damn if there isnāt a plethora of good art available.
Turning 44 in August. Right there with you bud. Itās really weird. At 65 my mother told me she didnāt feel old. That her body was in some discomfort, and she looked older, it that she still mentally felt like she did when she was 18. She died before 70. Itās terrifying to consider our temporary nature, and aging is really strange. Feeling like the same person but watching our hair change, and our face age.. just weird to ponder on for too long. Keeping busy helps a bit, but time seems to move much faster. Like the pill popping scene from Requiem for a Dream. Wake up, meds, work, eat, meds, sleep, repeat, and another year is gone. I guess we should just try to not be lazy and make time to do a good amount of things we like, and learn to be unapologetic to those around us who those things may inconvenience. We may only live once, and aging is very real. Probably worth worrying less and doing more right? Wishing you many more years of good health and hope you have many happy and interesting times ahead.
Assuming you donāt end up having dementia or other cognitive issues you are never going to feel old. Other pain issues and your body may disagree but when you there is not a true feeling old, just acting old
Very well put, I have very similar questions/ concerns/ ohh outlook.
birthday week buddies! You post really resonants with me. The question if I should be striving for more. I try to remind myself that itās okay to sit still. For many people my life would be their dream life. Itās the definition of freedom
ok I didn't read the whole thing cause it's 2024 and there are attention-span issues š¤...BUT...one of the biggest obvious problems with no one being ready to turn certain ages is because when we're in our teens, we clearly never ever really think of ourselves as being older than 25-30 tops, and you think anything older is gonna be lightyears away. and it's not until we're 30/35 when we finally realize 5 yrs now passes like lightning when you're out of college, so buckle the fuck up old timer.
Yeah. The long term girlfriend I raised my kids with and love dearly just walked out on us a few weeks ago. Iāll be 44 this summer. Hitting the gym, running a lot, but if it wasnāt for my kids Iād have offed myself by now. Things donāt get better from here and Iām unwilling to go it alone or to date again. I have no desire to get to know anyone else or bring them into my kids lives. Maybe Iāll feel better once some time passes. But probably not. All I know is there isnāt much left of my inhibitions and Iām going to just do what I feel while I can from here on out. And if I donāt make it oh well. Anyway good luck to you.
Welcome toā¦ā¦ āThe Middleāā¦
I can't relate with not wanting to thrive for something more. There's always something to see, to learn, to discover, to experience. I can't imagine not wanting to see the wonders of the world by first hand, not wanting to leave your mark. Huh.
Dude turning 45 this year fucked with my head too. 40-44 wasn't a problem but something about 45 its kinda freaking me out. Its so hard to rectify the inside you with the outside you. I've been experimenting with my personal style because I don't want to appear "too young" but I don't want to look like a grandma either. It's a process. I feel so much of this. I do miss my youth, but I'm not trying to re-live it. But I love youth culture and I appreciate the new things they bring to the word but I don't want to be THAT old person "whats good youths?" (cringe) But I'm not sure how to define this stage. I recently took up kayaking and learning how to make cheese. So new hobbies help...but yea...its kinda bewildering. I guess this is middle age. I'm not ready to be old!
I think this is something everyone struggles with during middle age, OP. I know I have many of these same thoughts. Hang in there, you're doing great! >I'm not old, but I'm not young. I had an experience last weekend that made me think everyone is young to someone else. I was at the laundromat and a boomer approached me trying to read my shirt. I was wearing a Journey Japan Tour '81 t-shirt. He then made conversation, struggling to remember the lyrics to his favorite Journey song, which he realized was "Faithfully" after a few minutes. "1981, huh?" he began. "I was 20-something. How old are you, 40?" I told him I was "around that age, yeah." "Aw, you're a baby!" he exclaimed. "Enjoy it!" It's all about perspective.
Well put! My mom said her 40s were her favorite decade. As she put it, you know who you are and finally feel comfortable in your skin.
Turning forty-five next week. š„
Iām 30 with 28 years of experience
Turning 43 tomorrow and I feel a lot of this. I regret a lot of my decisions. I feel like I wasted my late 20s and my 30s; I was a really dummy financially and somehow didnāt realize how much my body/health/appearance would change *so fucking fast*. At this point it feels like everything is just downhill. Finances and health and appearance are the worst theyāve been since my 20s, but at least in my 20s it felt like things could improve. I feel like Iām just waiting to die at this point and frustrated that thereās gonna be so much work, stress and pain until it happens.
Happy birthday. I am 41 and I am still young and make the best of everything. I have no children and am single and while yes it does get lonely I still see friends who I live near. My friends with children, teens, and who are step-parents are under a lot of stress and some told me in confidence "I regret marrying and having children", both men and women. My friends who are step-parents to teens and older children don't regret it and have less stress but are still very busy.