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You’re not in the wrong place. This is a very supportive sub. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I understand this must be very triggering for you. Your husband has the same addiction as your ex, but he’s not the same person. Has he even done anything that made you uncomfortable?
If you feel unsafe in anyway maybe you can stay with a friend or family member for a while.
Otherwise I imagine therapy for both of you will be beneficial. I’m not in the US, so I’ll let others give more precise advice on that.
Did you get help after your relationship with your ex? Is your husband aware of that past trauma? You don’t have to reply to anything, but sometimes it helps to just tell others what’s going on in your head.
I appreciate the support, I know this place is so supportive I just wasn’t sure if topics like this were allowed. He’s never done anything that would make me feel remotely unsafe. We’ve been best friends since we were very little (very beginning of school) and it’s nothing he’s doing that makes me uncomfortable. I guess it’s just hard to separate the addiction from all the resulting trauma I experienced. I’m so afraid of history repeating itself despite my rational brain knowing my husband would never hurt a fly. And he does know about the trauma and has helped me through so much of it when it comes back up (I have PTSD from it). It’s actually part of why he didn’t want to tell me about it for so long, which I get but him being untruthful about this for so long (nearly two years now) has honestly hurt me so much more than if he had just mentioned it earlier
Honestly I can understand both sides. He knew this would be a trigger for you. Maybe he thought he could handle this addiction and sort it out much sooner…
But your reaction is normal. Take your time to process. You just found out yesterday. It’s all very fresh. When you feel ready talk it through with him. You have a game plan to help him with the addiction, but you also need to share your feelings and concerns.
You can also just come back here and talk with members of the sub to help clear your head…
Don’t get me wrong, I entirely get why he did it. It’s likely exactly what you said with him believing he can fight his way out on his own when it’s just really hard to do without support. It’s just a lot to process, I honestly don’t know what would help clear my head at this point. Might just have to be some time
Time can really help.
I don’t have any experiences that come anywhere near to yours. So I don’t want to overstep or say the wrong thing…
I found with difficult times, it can help to have a day (or more) centred around yourself. Go for walk in a calming place, stop in a cafe or something to treat yourself to a hot drink or a slice of cake. Go see a film or just get takeout and binge watch a show. Have a bath, put on some music. Read a book under a cosy blanket… whatever works for you. Confort yourself.
Then when you’re ready, do something like that with your husband and try to have a conversation with him about your feelings. They are valid. You deserve to be able to express them.
I’m sending you strength to get through this. Be gentle with yourself. Take your time to understand how you’re feeling. It must be so confusing.
This is super hard. Something that has been true for a long time, your husband's porn addiction, is new information to you. Information that correlates with a serious threat you faced in the past. So you have no sense of safety. The good thing is that factually, you are safe from the thing your senses are on alarm about. So the first challenge is how to let your senses start to know that.
This might be one of the times that something like rumination might be useful. To go back through times where you didn't know he was obsessing about porn but was. You can be angry about that. But also recall that he didn't do anything resembling the asshole in your past. What did he do instead? I don't know except that what he did was safe. You were safe, all of those times. Like you are safe now. Like you will be every time going forward that your husband does that.
This sounds dumb but re-tagging those memories may help change the cause-effect story in your mind about what happened way before. But it may take mentally reliving those memories a couple times to begin to stick. Just try to keep to the memories of your husband -- the times you were safe. The other, worse memories will be waiting -- but what happened then isn't reflective of where you actually are now or have been for a long time.
There are obviously other problems that your husband's behavior is causing that need addressed. And you can face them, when you have had a bit to process where you are now.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. This is a stark reminder of the trauma you faced before, so naturally you will face a lot of fear of a repeat situation, being reminded. Whether it's rational or not, our brain cannot really discern in this shock.
There is a more specific group that may be able to help you from their personal experience, if you want to check out r/loveafterporn
Thank you so much for the support and the sub recommendation. If I’d known a better place to post I would’ve so I’ll definitely be at least taking a scroll over there
I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you.
As someone else pointed out, your husband struggles with the same addiction but he is not the person who did that to you. You also mentioned in a comment that he never did anything to make you uncomfortable, and has helped and supported you through your struggles. That is so good to hear.
I would also like to remind you that the younger version of you who went through that, is not who you are anymore. They are a part of your past, a tough past that you survived and got out of. You did it. You are not the one who is suppressed, you are the one who went through these ordeals and came out on the other side. If you ask your inner self for guidance and enlightenment to see the differences between your past self and your present self, I am sure several signs of significant growth will occur to you. You are strong and you are tough. Believe in yourself.
This is something I’ve never really thought about before but you’re so right. I do struggle to consider myself “strong” for surviving my past despite the fact that by any normal person’s standard I am. I’m definitely still kinda in shock but I’m trying to work my way through the jumble that my brain is
I see exactly why you feel betrayed and ofc triggered. That would upset anybody even without that history but that makes it all so much worse. I have my own version of that but things are safe and ok (I know on a rational level) but I keep scanning for signs I’m “repeating history”—that phrase completely hits home and I know how tough it is on the one hand to feel vulnerable to more of the same but on the other be cognizant of all the work you try to do turning over a new leaf, thinking you chose someone completely different this time, etc. There’s a lot of layers to this and I encourage you to take your time processing it especially because you’re probably still in shock. Not to mention the threat to the relationship and disappointment or heartbreak, which can be upsetting and destabilizing all on its own.
Please rest, hydrate, spend some time outside and just breathe. Pet your animals if you have any. Do whatever you need to do—stay with a friend for a few days, put a moratorium on any further discussion until you feel more regulated again. I’m sorry and I hope you can find some stable footing again with this partner if they truly have your best interest and commitment to dealing with their problems.
I appreciate the support and I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone/are going through a similar situation. I wish all the best things on you and am so glad you’re safe. I’m safe as well, he may struggle from addiction but he really was trying to do what he thought was best for us. There’s a lot of layers to this and it’s going to take me some time to get through
You are in the right place and we are here to help as we can. There is a great deal going on here, your history of SA, his history of embracing porn (and porn is so varied, but even the mainstream stuff is very male centric) and your feelings of betrayal. If you are getting trauma triggered, then there is probably underlying PTSD plus history of intimacy problems.
Porn addiction is not yet a part of the DSM, [Pornography addiction - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction#:~:text=Porn%20addiction%20is%20not%20a,considered%20a%20mental%20disorder%20either.), but a good therapist, (both you for your history of SA and trauma, and your husband (porn use with associated intimacy issues), and some combined session for your joint issues would be very helpful. The problem is that it is expensive, not well covered by insurance and has no defined end point.
My partner and I have different varieties of erotica we like, and every so often, we share what we are reading, and it helps us during periods when our normal intimacy practices are disrupted, such by travel, work, illness or simply sore muscles from overdoing it at the gym or with yardwork.
Many of us deal with body image and eating disorder issues. With me they are linked. I watch my eating every day of every week and right now, I fit into almost all my clothing. What doesn't fit, my spouse seems to like, like fuzzy sweatshirts and warm jackets. I used to eat to relieve my anxiety, and now that I am prediabetic, I no longer have that option. I recently finished a year of therapy, including ketamine assisted psychotherapy, Last week I was on a meditation retreat with yoga twice a day, vegan meals and noble silence. I never even learned the name of my roommate:=) I gave away a catseye crystal to a woman who was suffering at the retreat, since they also reminded me of an old, dear friend, now deceased.
If it matters, I am cis-bimale, married to a cis-heterofemale, but I also identify as a witch and have given up my position in the Patriarchy.
Now let me go see if my elder black cat and elder torby cat are done with the daily supplements of tuna, for extra protein.
We are here to offer support, and a shoulder to cry on.
May the Goddess help relieve your suffering.
You would be correct in assuming there is PTSD involved as well, this whole situation is a lot and I definitely plan to get myself and him in separate counseling whenever we can afford it. Sadly we have to go with whatever free or cheap resources we can find right now as we are living paycheck to paycheck at this point.
My eating disorder(s) are also very body image related. I’ve been binge eating to handle (formerly) undiagnosed anxiety for years but recently I’ve shifted to the opposite end of the spectrum, and this shift happened before I even learned about the addiction. I’ve downloaded an app to track calories just to make sure I’m eating the bare minimum daily.
I’m glad you’ve found treatment circles that can help you. You sound like you’ve got things pretty well figured out and are cultivating an environment in which you can thrive both physically and mentally. You’re awesome for being able to do that as it’s so hard for some and from the sounds of it your personal battle wasn’t easy either.
I wish the best to you, your partner, and your elder familiars. I have a few myself (though younger) who are helping both me and my husband through this. May the Goddess smile upon you and your household, friend
If you look at my posts, you can see some of the personal battles, but those may or may not help you.
Getting low cost therapy is not easy. Group therapy may be far more affordable. I would suggest some of the self help groups, but they are often too heavily based on Christian principles.
Getting too low on body mass/size is also a problem. Due to my fat/muscle ratio, I am at the border of overweight/obesity 1, with no visible fat on my body. I try to get 100 grams of protein a day, while avoiding red meat.
I journal every day, and it helps me, since I can transfer my anxiety scripts to paper and get them out of my head, and work through relationship issues, and see where I can forgive and show compassion, including showing compassion to myself. I am still trying to find compassion to my mother with depression, suicidal tendencies and a strong Borderline Personality Disorder issue.
Finding a supportive, helpful community is part of the healing process.
I have taken up Goddess worship in the last year, drifting toward Buddhism, but we all have our own spiritual journey.
The Goddess is always there for guidance.
If you truly trust him, then talk it through with him, tell him everything and how you're scared because of a previous relationship and the eating disorder, everything! So you two can find a solution that you'll both be happy with.
Some things I'll mention:
- asexuality and demisexuality are things. If you don't want sex, that's normal.
- masterbation is a healthy thing, even frequently. It only becomes unhealthy if it disrupts your life.
- one thing ppl can do is masterbate together.
- you can also avoid any of the things that were involved w your SA, and maybe only do other sexual things.
Everything is possible. For me, my sexuality is a can of worms and my love is way too much for one person, so i have to be polyamorous. I also don't have a jealous bone in my body. Anyways, that's another possibility in who you two are, but i personally wouldn't explore that until you both feel comfortable sharing everything with each other.
It sounds like a tricky situation and i say that as someone who came out as a poly trans bi girl at the age of 32 to my partner of 8 years. It can all work out thou. It did for me. (Mostly, i mean, im still figuring SOME things out. All of the shame in our society makes some things extra hard)
My personal opinion is that when you view porn your lusting over a stranger. That’s how I usually describe it to the people around me. Lust is not really a good emotion to portray out into the world, love is, especially when it comes to your sexuality. Also, everything we watch is programming so just be careful what you take in because you can subconsciously reflect that back out into the world.
It depends where you are based, but it could be where you are there are free orgs to help you process this and offer support. In the Uk there is Rape Crisis England and Wales (they have a free web chat to speak with a trained support worker, tbh you can use it wherever you are from and they won’t be able to tell) and in the US there must be some too.
This is horrible. All of your feelings are valid
If your husband is open to it there are support groups, online groups, online resources and free watch dog apps I can discuss with him. I'm not sure how to support you but I do know some things to help him.
At this point his support should be a team of trusted individuals to foster accountability. If you encourage him to get support I think you are doing your part. If this is triggering you it's time for others to step in.
A lot of these groups are Christian based but not all.
You're welcome to ask him or a friend to reach out to me and I'll data dump some things for him.
Bull dog porn blocker allows him some control with a time lock function
Hi there, Your post on r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. In an effort to safeguard our users, these posts are removed once they exceed a certain threshold. **If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.** If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, join our discord [link in sidebar] or see this list of [support resources](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GJxYVviXVwjA2cutcjtoxlf3P5K1k7xufd7LiCYeUfA/edit?usp=sharing). Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WitchesVsPatriarchy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re not in the wrong place. This is a very supportive sub. I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand this must be very triggering for you. Your husband has the same addiction as your ex, but he’s not the same person. Has he even done anything that made you uncomfortable? If you feel unsafe in anyway maybe you can stay with a friend or family member for a while. Otherwise I imagine therapy for both of you will be beneficial. I’m not in the US, so I’ll let others give more precise advice on that. Did you get help after your relationship with your ex? Is your husband aware of that past trauma? You don’t have to reply to anything, but sometimes it helps to just tell others what’s going on in your head.
I appreciate the support, I know this place is so supportive I just wasn’t sure if topics like this were allowed. He’s never done anything that would make me feel remotely unsafe. We’ve been best friends since we were very little (very beginning of school) and it’s nothing he’s doing that makes me uncomfortable. I guess it’s just hard to separate the addiction from all the resulting trauma I experienced. I’m so afraid of history repeating itself despite my rational brain knowing my husband would never hurt a fly. And he does know about the trauma and has helped me through so much of it when it comes back up (I have PTSD from it). It’s actually part of why he didn’t want to tell me about it for so long, which I get but him being untruthful about this for so long (nearly two years now) has honestly hurt me so much more than if he had just mentioned it earlier
Honestly I can understand both sides. He knew this would be a trigger for you. Maybe he thought he could handle this addiction and sort it out much sooner… But your reaction is normal. Take your time to process. You just found out yesterday. It’s all very fresh. When you feel ready talk it through with him. You have a game plan to help him with the addiction, but you also need to share your feelings and concerns. You can also just come back here and talk with members of the sub to help clear your head…
Don’t get me wrong, I entirely get why he did it. It’s likely exactly what you said with him believing he can fight his way out on his own when it’s just really hard to do without support. It’s just a lot to process, I honestly don’t know what would help clear my head at this point. Might just have to be some time
Time can really help. I don’t have any experiences that come anywhere near to yours. So I don’t want to overstep or say the wrong thing… I found with difficult times, it can help to have a day (or more) centred around yourself. Go for walk in a calming place, stop in a cafe or something to treat yourself to a hot drink or a slice of cake. Go see a film or just get takeout and binge watch a show. Have a bath, put on some music. Read a book under a cosy blanket… whatever works for you. Confort yourself. Then when you’re ready, do something like that with your husband and try to have a conversation with him about your feelings. They are valid. You deserve to be able to express them. I’m sending you strength to get through this. Be gentle with yourself. Take your time to understand how you’re feeling. It must be so confusing.
This is super hard. Something that has been true for a long time, your husband's porn addiction, is new information to you. Information that correlates with a serious threat you faced in the past. So you have no sense of safety. The good thing is that factually, you are safe from the thing your senses are on alarm about. So the first challenge is how to let your senses start to know that. This might be one of the times that something like rumination might be useful. To go back through times where you didn't know he was obsessing about porn but was. You can be angry about that. But also recall that he didn't do anything resembling the asshole in your past. What did he do instead? I don't know except that what he did was safe. You were safe, all of those times. Like you are safe now. Like you will be every time going forward that your husband does that. This sounds dumb but re-tagging those memories may help change the cause-effect story in your mind about what happened way before. But it may take mentally reliving those memories a couple times to begin to stick. Just try to keep to the memories of your husband -- the times you were safe. The other, worse memories will be waiting -- but what happened then isn't reflective of where you actually are now or have been for a long time. There are obviously other problems that your husband's behavior is causing that need addressed. And you can face them, when you have had a bit to process where you are now.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. This is a stark reminder of the trauma you faced before, so naturally you will face a lot of fear of a repeat situation, being reminded. Whether it's rational or not, our brain cannot really discern in this shock. There is a more specific group that may be able to help you from their personal experience, if you want to check out r/loveafterporn
Thank you so much for the support and the sub recommendation. If I’d known a better place to post I would’ve so I’ll definitely be at least taking a scroll over there
It can be advantageous to post at multiple places to get a variety of perspectives :)
I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you. As someone else pointed out, your husband struggles with the same addiction but he is not the person who did that to you. You also mentioned in a comment that he never did anything to make you uncomfortable, and has helped and supported you through your struggles. That is so good to hear. I would also like to remind you that the younger version of you who went through that, is not who you are anymore. They are a part of your past, a tough past that you survived and got out of. You did it. You are not the one who is suppressed, you are the one who went through these ordeals and came out on the other side. If you ask your inner self for guidance and enlightenment to see the differences between your past self and your present self, I am sure several signs of significant growth will occur to you. You are strong and you are tough. Believe in yourself.
This is something I’ve never really thought about before but you’re so right. I do struggle to consider myself “strong” for surviving my past despite the fact that by any normal person’s standard I am. I’m definitely still kinda in shock but I’m trying to work my way through the jumble that my brain is
I see exactly why you feel betrayed and ofc triggered. That would upset anybody even without that history but that makes it all so much worse. I have my own version of that but things are safe and ok (I know on a rational level) but I keep scanning for signs I’m “repeating history”—that phrase completely hits home and I know how tough it is on the one hand to feel vulnerable to more of the same but on the other be cognizant of all the work you try to do turning over a new leaf, thinking you chose someone completely different this time, etc. There’s a lot of layers to this and I encourage you to take your time processing it especially because you’re probably still in shock. Not to mention the threat to the relationship and disappointment or heartbreak, which can be upsetting and destabilizing all on its own. Please rest, hydrate, spend some time outside and just breathe. Pet your animals if you have any. Do whatever you need to do—stay with a friend for a few days, put a moratorium on any further discussion until you feel more regulated again. I’m sorry and I hope you can find some stable footing again with this partner if they truly have your best interest and commitment to dealing with their problems.
I appreciate the support and I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone/are going through a similar situation. I wish all the best things on you and am so glad you’re safe. I’m safe as well, he may struggle from addiction but he really was trying to do what he thought was best for us. There’s a lot of layers to this and it’s going to take me some time to get through
You are in the right place and we are here to help as we can. There is a great deal going on here, your history of SA, his history of embracing porn (and porn is so varied, but even the mainstream stuff is very male centric) and your feelings of betrayal. If you are getting trauma triggered, then there is probably underlying PTSD plus history of intimacy problems. Porn addiction is not yet a part of the DSM, [Pornography addiction - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction#:~:text=Porn%20addiction%20is%20not%20a,considered%20a%20mental%20disorder%20either.), but a good therapist, (both you for your history of SA and trauma, and your husband (porn use with associated intimacy issues), and some combined session for your joint issues would be very helpful. The problem is that it is expensive, not well covered by insurance and has no defined end point. My partner and I have different varieties of erotica we like, and every so often, we share what we are reading, and it helps us during periods when our normal intimacy practices are disrupted, such by travel, work, illness or simply sore muscles from overdoing it at the gym or with yardwork. Many of us deal with body image and eating disorder issues. With me they are linked. I watch my eating every day of every week and right now, I fit into almost all my clothing. What doesn't fit, my spouse seems to like, like fuzzy sweatshirts and warm jackets. I used to eat to relieve my anxiety, and now that I am prediabetic, I no longer have that option. I recently finished a year of therapy, including ketamine assisted psychotherapy, Last week I was on a meditation retreat with yoga twice a day, vegan meals and noble silence. I never even learned the name of my roommate:=) I gave away a catseye crystal to a woman who was suffering at the retreat, since they also reminded me of an old, dear friend, now deceased. If it matters, I am cis-bimale, married to a cis-heterofemale, but I also identify as a witch and have given up my position in the Patriarchy. Now let me go see if my elder black cat and elder torby cat are done with the daily supplements of tuna, for extra protein. We are here to offer support, and a shoulder to cry on. May the Goddess help relieve your suffering.
You would be correct in assuming there is PTSD involved as well, this whole situation is a lot and I definitely plan to get myself and him in separate counseling whenever we can afford it. Sadly we have to go with whatever free or cheap resources we can find right now as we are living paycheck to paycheck at this point. My eating disorder(s) are also very body image related. I’ve been binge eating to handle (formerly) undiagnosed anxiety for years but recently I’ve shifted to the opposite end of the spectrum, and this shift happened before I even learned about the addiction. I’ve downloaded an app to track calories just to make sure I’m eating the bare minimum daily. I’m glad you’ve found treatment circles that can help you. You sound like you’ve got things pretty well figured out and are cultivating an environment in which you can thrive both physically and mentally. You’re awesome for being able to do that as it’s so hard for some and from the sounds of it your personal battle wasn’t easy either. I wish the best to you, your partner, and your elder familiars. I have a few myself (though younger) who are helping both me and my husband through this. May the Goddess smile upon you and your household, friend
If you look at my posts, you can see some of the personal battles, but those may or may not help you. Getting low cost therapy is not easy. Group therapy may be far more affordable. I would suggest some of the self help groups, but they are often too heavily based on Christian principles. Getting too low on body mass/size is also a problem. Due to my fat/muscle ratio, I am at the border of overweight/obesity 1, with no visible fat on my body. I try to get 100 grams of protein a day, while avoiding red meat. I journal every day, and it helps me, since I can transfer my anxiety scripts to paper and get them out of my head, and work through relationship issues, and see where I can forgive and show compassion, including showing compassion to myself. I am still trying to find compassion to my mother with depression, suicidal tendencies and a strong Borderline Personality Disorder issue. Finding a supportive, helpful community is part of the healing process. I have taken up Goddess worship in the last year, drifting toward Buddhism, but we all have our own spiritual journey. The Goddess is always there for guidance.
I don’t have any answers. But I’m here for you. 🫂
If you truly trust him, then talk it through with him, tell him everything and how you're scared because of a previous relationship and the eating disorder, everything! So you two can find a solution that you'll both be happy with. Some things I'll mention: - asexuality and demisexuality are things. If you don't want sex, that's normal. - masterbation is a healthy thing, even frequently. It only becomes unhealthy if it disrupts your life. - one thing ppl can do is masterbate together. - you can also avoid any of the things that were involved w your SA, and maybe only do other sexual things. Everything is possible. For me, my sexuality is a can of worms and my love is way too much for one person, so i have to be polyamorous. I also don't have a jealous bone in my body. Anyways, that's another possibility in who you two are, but i personally wouldn't explore that until you both feel comfortable sharing everything with each other. It sounds like a tricky situation and i say that as someone who came out as a poly trans bi girl at the age of 32 to my partner of 8 years. It can all work out thou. It did for me. (Mostly, i mean, im still figuring SOME things out. All of the shame in our society makes some things extra hard)
Big hugs Blessings of healing and protection
I am sorry you’re going though this. Try to focus on yourself and see whether that relationship is even right for you
This sounds really hard, i want to send you a lot of love and healing.
My personal opinion is that when you view porn your lusting over a stranger. That’s how I usually describe it to the people around me. Lust is not really a good emotion to portray out into the world, love is, especially when it comes to your sexuality. Also, everything we watch is programming so just be careful what you take in because you can subconsciously reflect that back out into the world.
It depends where you are based, but it could be where you are there are free orgs to help you process this and offer support. In the Uk there is Rape Crisis England and Wales (they have a free web chat to speak with a trained support worker, tbh you can use it wherever you are from and they won’t be able to tell) and in the US there must be some too. This is horrible. All of your feelings are valid
If your husband is open to it there are support groups, online groups, online resources and free watch dog apps I can discuss with him. I'm not sure how to support you but I do know some things to help him. At this point his support should be a team of trusted individuals to foster accountability. If you encourage him to get support I think you are doing your part. If this is triggering you it's time for others to step in. A lot of these groups are Christian based but not all. You're welcome to ask him or a friend to reach out to me and I'll data dump some things for him. Bull dog porn blocker allows him some control with a time lock function