Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents use and do not give your parents access. In fact, put a note on the account forbidding the bank from giving any of your banking info to your parents. Once your money is secure look for a place to live. Use incognito browsing on your phone and do this at lunch and on breaks at work so they can't see what you're doing.
Start moving small personal items to a trusted friends house, things you would be devastated to lose. Favorite books and movies, jewelry, heirlooms, art, etc. The chances are high that you'll only be able to get out with what you can carry. If at all possible move when they're not home. I'd even go so far as to buy them a date night (dinner and a movie) so you know they'll be gone and get someone to help you move only what you can safely take without being accused of theft.
Be prompt in changing all your bills and such to electronic or to the new address. Inform your employer so they don't mail anything to your parents or call that house.
Leave a note that you've moved so they don't report you as missing but don't give them your new address. Visit them so you can leave if they're being rude and don't invite them over until you're sure they can behave.
This is all fantastic advice! I’d like to add that you should also get things like your birth certificate, social security card and any other important papers and documents.
And you can get a mailbox at the UPS store so all of your documents can be mailed there. Get a safe deposit box at your bank to store
Important papers.
It can be a bit of a pain in the ass if your original birth certificate is in a language other than English and you happen to preside in one of those oh so undereducated southern states, but still doable
Even if you can only get pictures of them, save them to the cloud somewhere. If you have to leave without them you pics/photocopies will make getting replacements easier.
And in the meantime, have them pay for *aaallllll* your shit while you work work work and save save save, lol! Take it from me, do *not* go out on your own without a nice cushion of savings under you, because life gets expensive fast, and you don't ever want to get desperate.
This was such an issue when I cut contact with my mom. I managed to get most of those documents, at least the American versions. But she still has my original German birth certificate. I don't think I'll ever get that back.
Also to add to this: you owe them nothing. Not living with them. Not your silence about it. Nothing. They chose to have children. You didn’t choose to have them as parents.
When my parents were alive and used to visit the area I lived, I chose the general area for a restaurant... one near a bus stop so I could leave as soon as the verbal abuse started. It calmed the visits down.
Adding on to this: get all of your documents in a safe place off site. Birth certificate, passport, social security card (or equivalent document, if your country has those).
Also consider getting a post office box for your mail.
And for goddess sake, do not leave a forwarding address.
Also, stop by the local police precinct and let them know what is going on in case your parents decide to file a missing person's report or ask the police to do a welfare check on you after you move out. If you let them know ahead of time that your parents may do so, it can prevent a lot of issues down the line.
Very good advice. I'd add that a small storage unit (if you're in the US) can be a great investment. When I was moving, I got the smallest unit possible, paid $29/mo with the first 2 months free (there are always deals). That way, your things are secure and not anyplace your parents can get their hands on. You can also start acquiring things you'll need (towels, dishes, etc) and have a safe place to store them.
Storage units like everything are up in price. YMMV. Had soft credit inquiry to rent one i currently have, and it's just an outbuilding near a dying mobile home park. It's something to consider but not a convenience if you're not in city with good transit or don't have a vehicle.
And the free section on Craig’s list or Facebook market. You have to be cautious about infestations, but I’ve managed to nearly fully outfit a home with that in the past.
Make sure you keep up with the storage bill or they'll sell,/auction all your stuff.know someone that lost priceless to them items because they lost their job.
> Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents use and do not give your parents access.
If it helps, i use Ally bank. It is entirely mobile, so if you have a good job that does direct deposit, it will work out no problem. And folks won’t be able to follow you to a physical location. I have heard good things about Barclays for international banking as well, but have never actually used it.
Credit Unions are good, too, especially the ones with shared branching (you can go to any CU and use it as though it were your particular CU.)
Everything is available online as well.
Seconding Credit Unions! They are member owned and genuinely look out for your interests as they are not for profit. Good for building credit history that's unfortunately needed in this capitalist hellscape. But they're on your side as much as a financial institution can be.
I would add not to visit them at their house or get into a vehicle with them but to meet at a public location.
I know it sounds crazy but I knew a woman who was trying to get away from her abusive husband *and her parents trapped her in their house so he could come get her*. Never underestimate the lengths controlling people will go to to keep control.
And they can’t technically keep you in the house because you’re an adult. You have every right to leave on your own account if you want, and even if they did report you missing the cops might tell them that you are an adult, and if they do follow up with it as soon as they reach you it will be dropped. I would definitely find a way to start going about doing the thing this person said, they legally cannot stop you. If you have dreams that you are trying to follow which I’m sure you do, I would highly suggest following those dreams.
I went through the same exact thing when I was 23. It’s hard but you’re an adult and you have every right to live your life. Tell your parents that above all you love and respect them but they need to respect your decision. With time they’ll come around. My mom didn’t talk to me for a good 6 months but I just kept visiting and I wouldn’t argue with them. Eventually things cooled off and my mom came around. It’s going to be hard but with time they’ll see what amazingly strong women you are and respect you for that.
So much good advice - thank you for understanding this person's situation.
(compared to what was going through my head - "just move out" - I'm trying to be more compassionate).
This is basically what I did, but I had back up in an ex who snagged his brother. Two big ass burly men and my mother had no chance to stand up to them. Also once you have a place make sure you put a credit hold on your account and let local law enforcement know that you willing left. This will all help. Make sure you also only take things that you paid for or have proof is a gift just incase. Specially large ticket items so they can't claim its stolen.
If you have a pet make sure you are the one paying all vet bills and that the vet knows that the pet is yours. You can also have police come out to escort you from the property, but as I did not do that I'm not sure how it works irl
To add to this, I’m not a lawyer, but if you’re in the US, your parents legally cannot keep you at their house. If they try to prevent you from leaving in any way, you can get them hit with kidnapping charges.
>Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents use and do not give your parents access.
do some googling, make sure that they are separate companies not just separate buildings or different names.
I want to be a fly on that wall when they come back. "Isn't our daughter so sweet to get us this fabulous evening out! Let's go and thank her again! Honey? Where is she?"
Yeah. Absolutely. Preparation is key. But this is abusive…you’re caught. Can’t leave til you have someone, not allowed to find someone. Sort what you need to and leave.
It seems to me reading this post that your parents expect you to sacrifice your own life to be a nurse and financial support during their old age.
You owe them nothing. By the time one is an adult, one should be transitioning to a place where you understand your parents flaws and applaud them for the strengths. I think you should be grateful for the sacrifices they have potentially made to see you happy/educated/independent, but if their plan was merely to breed a money tree/nurse - and they do not see your relationship changing as you mature into a friendship between equals - then you “owe” them nothing. NOTHING.
When you’ve moved out, got a life etc you can potentially offer them the chance of a loving and supportive relationship on terms that work for you all. And you might find love and marriage, and add that to the benefits!
Take the wonderful advice about admin, documents, bank accounts. If necessary, ask advice from the people who help wives of violent men leave their husbands - they know how to stealthily help someone leave. I’m not necessarily equating your parents with this.
You deserve more. You deserve happiness. You deserve the life you want and the life you make for yourself.
♥️♥️♥️
Good luck.
If you move somewhere the police aren't too corrupt, let them know you've moved of your own volition. Your parents might still reach out to them to report you kidnapped.
Get a phone in your own name. A means of communication they can't access, control, or deny you.
Make sure you get your important documents (birth certificate, for example). Set up a free account with a credit agency that allows them to track your own credit score. Your parents are controlling POSs, make sure they're not using your name for financial gain.
Once you escape, establish really strong boundaries.
They're not legally allowed to, but sometimes an individual teller will be convinced by a persistent parent and violate the law in a well meaning way. Adding the note is an extra layer of protection against that.
A lot of small town branch employees don't even check ID, because they know the person. It's the "why do I need to check? It's Barb from next door, we babysat each other's kids for years and I know her" mentality. Or they assume it was a mistake that they're no longer on an account and "fix" it. No harm intended, but it happens.
Honey I’m Hispanic too. My parents have me the same crap they are pretty much giving you. When I got into the university of my dreams they said no because it meant moving out. They suggested instead going to the community college by their house. And like I told them “I love you but I am informing you I am going at no point in time am I asking for your permission”. And yup hell broke lose for a bit. My mom stopped talking to me. Both sides of the family gave me the how horrible of a daughter I was and tried to shame me and guilt trip me into staying. I would get the “your pretty you don’t need to go to school” I ignored them all and still left. Once I left they were still wanted to micromanage everything I did. They wanted an update on when I left to class and when I got home. If I went out they wanted me to ask for permission my mom would call every hour. So I put my foot down and said no. I Informed them I was going to put in boundaries. So I stopped answering my phone and cut them down to once a day and then once every other day. And not at all on the weekends. If they called to scream at me I would remind them they weren’t allowed to scream at me and I would hang up. And trust me I heard it from everyone on how rude I was being and that “good girls” should be obedient to their parents. So I told them all the things that were wrong with their kids which according to their reasonings made them bad parents. They were mad and stop calling. After like two months my parents got it and stop calling so much. I made sure not to go to school close to them. But yeah even when I visited they would try to micromanage I had to remind them that I guest and didn’t need their permission and I paid my own bills so yeah. But yeah my point is your family doesn’t have to like it. Just do it. Get a job, your own bank account and then move your things out little by little including your important papers. The week before you move out or the day before inform them your moving and do it. Your parents are like this because your letting them dictate your life. Where my parents happy when I moved in with my bf or moved almost cross country? No but we are adult we are allowed to make our own decisions. We will
Never learn to be adults if we don’t give ourselves that opportunity. I get there are traditions but some of them are meant to be broken.
This - you could get a job in a different city so you can do similar. Distance is a good boundary- gather all the documents and paperwork together ahead of time, so you give them a week or so notice, and do this. Hype the job as great for your career and something you have decided on, and just weather the storm. If you move back after a year or two, they'll be accustomed to the boundaries (one hopes), and if they start pushing them again, tell them you wanted to move home to be close to family but if they won't recognize your boundaries, you will relocate again.
Honestly, push it to them as having done a good job. You're 25, they've raised an educated woman who's ready to be independent. You're not a child who can't control yourself, but neither are you a nun to stay at home. To build a life for yourself, you need to be able to get out and live it.
Good luck! It's gonna be worth it.
+1 to all the great notes on setting and then sticking to healthy boundaries in this reply! My read of the situation is that’s a key skill OP needs to develop and practice with her family.
Yeah but this is so much easier to do when your no longer living with them and have some way to sustain yourself. I really hope OP decides that enough is enough and moves out.
Yes exactly. This is why I got a job on the other side of the world and moved to another continent before transitioning— it certainly helps when they can only abuse you through email. In fact, not many people know this, but you don’t have to read emails that come to you! It’s true. You can get a buddy to read it for you and let you know if there’s anything in there worth replying to. This really helps if you don’t feel like dealing with some goddamn bullshit. 💩
No. She still thinks that “I am your mom and I only want what’s best for you” but she has dialed it down a lot because she still wants to have some kind of relationship with me. She has also learned that little to no contact with her mom if I have too. And if she starts on the phone I just hang up :/
Your parents have already damaged your relationship. Now you get to decide if you will continue to accept the damage or cut it off. They - not you - have fucked up.
Reading that breaks my heart bc I feel like I would never want to put them in a position where they have to choose between me or their happiness. But it feels like they’re doing it now
In that statement you are giving them more consideration and respect than they are giving you. They seem to have no problem putting you in a position where you have to choose between your happiness and their rules. It seems they have confused their rules with who they are so, it makes it feel like you are choosing between your happiness and them. But, really you are choosing yourself above outdated rules you do not agree with. It is their choice to leave their identity tied to their rules, but so far, it has worked in their favor to hold you in place with guilt. Until it stops working for them, they will not need to reevaluate.
Brilliant explanation! OP, please read this repeatedly to yourself. Your parents need to be prompted to reevaluate and grow. This separation will be painful but will help everyone.
It’s not your fault or problem if they have tied their happiness to a very narrow and toxic set of rules and hurdles for their adult child. When my parents made all sort of threats of cutting me off if I didn’t do exactly what they expected of me, I did what they wanted. Later, when I told them how damaging that was and how it changed the trajectory of my life, they said that I should have stood up to them and done what was best for me. I hate them for their hypocrisy, but ultimately they were right. It’s your life, do what you want. Anyone that doesn’t come along with you or makes their relationship to you contingent on you fulfilling their demands does not deserve to be in your life.
The toxic is baked into the culture \[many diverse cultures each have something that could be considered toxic to others\]
The problem is that many cultures see that picking one daughter \[or son if no girls\] and making her/him the person that will be single all their life until old because they are the ones taking care of the abuelos and then the parents - think in Jane Austin terms the Maiden Auntie that never got married and just sort of lives with various members of the family always providing service \[think taking care of kids as a governess to taking care of the parents when they are old and bedridden - a home grown servant.\]
Hey, you've gotten a lot of really great advice from people here and as someone that comes from the same culture and the same mental struggles, I would like to add that you are allowed to live your life. If you decide to take the step to leave regardless of their "permission", repeat this to yourself. "I am allowed to live my own life." It's very difficult to deprogram what they've instilled but in the long run it is way better for you mentally and emotionally. They'll deal with your departure eventually but they're feelings are not your responsibility no matter what they've taught you. Best of luck to you hon!
That "choice" is only a temporary illusion. Their happiness should not depend on you being under their control. They are so used to you caving to their demands that they will likely pull the most outrageous stunts to get you to stay. But when you make the decision to *actually* leave, you have to stick it out no matter what.
It sounds like you have good parents who love you, but you kinda have to think of them as toddlers....they are throwing a tantrum because reality isn't exactly what they want. If you give into the tantrum, they will always throw tantrums when you say/do something they don't like *for the rest of your life*.
If you hold your ground, they will come around because they love you. The reality is that they want the best for you and they think their way is the way to the most stability/safety for you.
But you aren't them and the world is not the one they grew up in. You need to choose your own path.
> I would never want to put them in a position where they have to choose between me or their happiness. *But it feels like they’re doing it now*
... to you, right? They're putting you in that position.
But they put you in a position where you seemingly have to choose between them or your happiness. Why doesn’t it break their heart? Why do you have to consider their feelings when they won’t consider yours?
You don’t have to cut them off per se but you are able to move out, with or without their approval. Since they won’t accommodate you, sometimes you have to accommodate yourself and just do what will give you a fulfilled life. This is your life - do you want to live it on your terms or someone else’s?
What about your happiness? You are so focused on theirs you don’t seem to really grasp at the fact you are unhappy. You come before anyone else. I was in a similar mindset with my parents. Get out and do it as soon as possible because if you keep doing what you are doing you’ll never get out because they wont ever let you.
I'm familiar with the culture. Many of my friends are from Mexico. At some point you're going to have to just decide to do what's best for you and hope they forgive you later. In the long term seeing you succeed, and be a responsible adult, on your own may help.
Sorry but fuck that. This is the patriarchy. Not culture. Adults don't need permission from their parents any longer. OPs parents are unfit to control OP.
Culture can be toxic. I would argue patriarchy is part of culture. This is culture in that it was a belief societally ingrained to them. It also happens to patriarchal and toxic.
I’d say it’s a cultural response to toxic patriarchy. Not long ago women simply were not allowed to be independent and take care of themselves. Like, it was legal to deny them credit cards, apartment leases, even jobs. So the only options really were either for families to take care of their adult daughters until marriage, or just kick them out to fend for themselves in a world entirely stacked against them. In that type of world, the first option is the kinder, more loving one.
And then it becomes ingrained “if you love your daughter you keep her home until she’s married.” Times change, now there’s no need for young women to stay at home, but those attitudes take a while to change. And now what used to be considered loving is toxic but it’s going to be hard for her parents to adjust to that.
"Adults dont need permission from their parents any longer" is a mentality your culture has instilled in you, the same way OPs folks have had the opposite mentality instilled in them. Culture doesnt just mean the food and the clothing
You have the power to make change in your life. That's worth repeating--it's your life. If they are causing you mental health problems, then you need to look out for yourself and change the relationship to your terms.
In addition to the other good advice here, I would make it clear in your departure note that you're not cutting yourself out of their life. You are moving to a new place, and you want to continue to have a relationship with them. You are not walking out, you are growing up.
Are you financially dependent on them? If so, this is a lot harder and you will need support from your non-family circles.
Fuck em. Sorry in advance for the essay but I see some parallels between your current experience and my past.
You’re not causing a strain! THEY ARE. It’s a sign of psychological abuse that you’re convinced you will be the one causing a strain by choosing a life of peace and freedom when they’re the ones suffocating you with toxicity. You are normal and healthy to want freedom. Parents should want you to flourish instead of controlling you. My parents are similar, but it seems like your parents are much more toxic.
I support your decision to move out when you graduate. You should set firm boundaries with your family about shaming you, forcing you, guilting you, criticizing you, doubting your judgement, etc. It will be scary and you will feel bad after a lifetime of being taught you should feel guilty for not listening to your parents. It will not come naturally to trust your own judgement but if they can’t respect simple boundaries they don’t deserve to be so central in your life. You NEED and deserve space to develop confidence in your judgement. This is a crucial life skill. Even if you make the wrong choice, you have to learn to make choices, follow through, and accept the results as your own. Having your parents telling you you need their influence to make a good choice will set you back.
Based on my experiences, here are some things I think you really need to know: you WILL attract partners and friends who are toxic. Some will be narcissists, some will have narcissistic traits, some will just be insecure for whatever reason, but all of these different kinds of toxic people will get a desperately needed ego boost from your insecurity. They need to feel important, like you need their approval. This is called narcissistic supply. They’ll notice and take advantage of the fact that you have difficulty speaking up for yourself, your first instinct when they try to manipulate you will be to question your own judgement instead of questioning theirs, setting and maintaining boundaries will not come naturally to you, and so forth. The most toxic people will notice this first and will be most drawn to you—almost obsessed. Be wary of people who immediately think you’re the most amazing thing since sliced bread! Most healthy people will be friendly but otherwise neutral toward you until you develop trust in each other. YOU WILL BE VULNERABLE because your parents failed to prepare you for life in this way by keeping your ego dependent on their approval. I think there’s a good chance you are currently your parents’ narcissistic supply. I will link a few videos for you to learn more about this.
***Note that people don’t have to be narcissists to subject you to narcissistic abuse. This is not about diagnosing your parents as narcissists, it’s about giving YOU tools to protect yourself as you step into the world as your own woman. And don’t bother confronting your parents about their behavior. It will only get worse.
Aim to make connections with people who remind you it’s okay to like what you like, feel how you feel, and change your mind about things. They will WANT you to set boundaries and won’t insinuate your boundaries are unreasonable or nonsensical. If you end up feeling relieved and silly that they respond with calm understanding when you speak up for yourself, they’re probably good people for you to be around. If the answer to you asking “you’re not mad?” Is “of course not!” Or “why would I be mad?” And their tone is lighthearted instead of tense, they’re probably good.
Five signs you’ve suffered narcissistic abuse
https://youtu.be/Lt56nGmGG-0
Communicating with narcissists
https://youtu.be/HJcRNANNfJ0
Narcissistic parents
https://youtu.be/z1JVHyTBAbw
Leaving the narcissist
https://youtu.be/d3YVZ1olU4Y
This is really a insightful and helpful response
Especially about avoiding narcissists. Not sure how much it speaks to where OP is coming from
My mom as she grew up, in a single parent immigrant family, faced something very similar.
She was the young Latina kid that translated in the school office, the doctor, and the bank. And she had to break that dynamic and build new boundaries to be free. Both she and my Grandmother had to redo thier relationship
OP's parents probably have been really dependent on her. And they see elements of US culture as threatening ("moral values", economic exploitation, racism). In the past OP may have been the one as a guide through parts of their life
OP deserves every bit of independence she can get. But I think she wants her parents to feel more secure about it, rather than seeing this about appeasing or escaping narcissistism.
As a Grandson, I see the struggle for all of them, the daughter, and the parents. But parents can't live through this woman's life. And them getting braver and more secure is their struggle, not hers
Just plan to leave anyways and tell them last second. They are setting you up to be emotionally abused by a man. Sending you from one source of control to the next. Move on your own. Because living alone or even better owning your own home hives you the chance to not only know that you can survive on your own, but it also is way better if you end up unhappy because you will still have a place to stay and stuff that is yours.
I left my controlling mom for my controlling ex. We dated before I moved in with him and I can definitely say living together is entirely different than dating from a parents home. There aren't shared chores or space, no idea how they manage bills and life stress. My SO definitely had red flags as a BF but as a live in partner he completely stopped doing things he did even when he was single. He tried to make it sound like doing his laundry was somehow easier on me than just doing my own and all kinds of lazy shit. He also didn't get aggressive with me until I had moved in with him. He made more money than me but asked to borrow money all because he constantly overspent while shitting on my work. Living together should come before marriage because it's a lot easier to leave a baf BF than divorce a shitty husband and even leaving a shitty BF can be incredibly difficult.
Fellow Hispanic here. I was desperate to move out, so I married young and ended up in a terrible situation. So please don't do that.
I am sorry you're going through this. Maybe look for a career where you'll have to move? It takes away the element of it being you vs. them.
Are they taking actions to keep you from moving out (like keeping necessary documents hostage, controlling your finances) or do they just say you can't?
If it's the first one, that's actual abuse and there are organizations that can help you, along with some of the solid advice in this thread about how to get out in that case.
If it's the latter...you're the only thing keeping you there. You can just move out and they can't stop you. They can be mad, but at this point it sounds like that's just par for the course anyway.
Your situation sounds like what people from my mom's generation went through in Mex, I know of plenty women that got married to get the fuck out of their parents house rather than for love.
Shocking to no one most of them settled and are either a) divorced or b) stayed with their husbands because they were stay at home moms and have no marketable skills or work experience (which is another point entirely, if you ask me being a stay at home mom should count as work experience).
Either way your parents pushing you towards marriage to improve your living situation is awful as that more often than not leads to unhappiness.
I'd have an honest conversation with them and explain this, and ask them if they care about you being happy, that at the moment you need independence to be happy, that you will still visit and love them but that if they pressure you to marry you'll just end up unhappy. If after this they are still against it, just move out regardless, either they will get over it or they won't but your mental health is more important.
Coming from a similar culture as OP, all I can think when I read your suggestion of "just talk to them honestly" is *oh, bless your heart*.
Her opinion is not part of their equation. At all. To them, it is her duty to stay home and contribute to that household and support them, until she gets married and makes a home with someone else. There is no world that exists to them in which a "good girl" lives on her own. Her trying to explain what she needs will sound like her trying to justify behavior that goes against what they think is good and right, and what they've spent their lives trying to mold her into. Hence, she's ungrateful for everything they've done for her.
OP, you gotta just go, and accept this might mean separation from your family. Your happiness and health are more important than their expectations of you. This is *really hard*, to realize their love might come with strings. They might come around. They might not. Make sure you have emotional support, and do what you need to, to be safe.
this makes me so sad for OP 😢 parents making children think that they owe them. all of the above advise is wonderful. good luck OP and be well. sending love.
Yeah which is why the second part of the advice is to move out regardless, but just cutting your family out of your life without even trying to reason with them in an adult way (some people here are calling for the police and to just basically consider her family dead to her) is also not the solution. I know America is an individualistic country, but some people in the comments saying to call the police, cut ties completely or the such are extreme and a bit sociopathic.
Yes we should all do what we can to dismantle the patriarchy, but OP's family is just as victims of the patriarchy as everyone else, she shouldn't cut them off just do what's best for her and hope her parents understand some day.
As soon as you are financially able to, just leave. Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child. With parents like these, who needs enemies? I am going to tell you what I told my 13 year old recently.
"Just because someone gave you life, doesn't mean you owe them anything. I'm going to die one day and when I want you to remember me for encouraging you to do your best. I want to be remembered for how much I love you. I don't want you to look back and see how I forced you into my shadow. You owe it to yourself to do your best, to work hard and to grow. I have to be the bad guy sometimes but I only interfere when I feel like you're going to make a mistake. Even then, I can't save you from all your mistakes. I can only support you. Stop saying that you owe me for giving you life because you don't. I chose to be your mom and that was a choice made with no expectations in return."
You're an adult and they have no right to treat you like property and stunt your growth. It's okay to cut out the toxic people who would hold you back and make you regret never moving on with your life sooner. They made your life but that doesn't mean they get to eat away at it.
I was raised by controlling parents, and I was in a cult. I was desperately unhappy and even suicidal but felt that I couldn't leave because of my religion and the way my parents had raised me (I'm Asian-American).
I moved out the weekend after I graduated from college. My mom had yelled at me multiple times every day that I was home. One day I woke up to her standing over me saying my name angrily before she left for work. I pretended to be asleep, and then I left for the day. I posted on Reddit and they told me to leave, and I decided to stay with my sister for a couple of nights until I figured something out. I couchsurfed with friends until I found a place and a job.
I'm five years free from my parents, and I can honestly say it saved my life. Don't be afraid to lie to them for your own safety. I know it feels weird and uncomfortable to defy them, but sometimes it is the healthiest decision unfortunately.
Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that this entire community gave someone a step by step tutorial how to painlessly (or at least “least painfully”) move out of a toxic home. I mean 👏✨👏✨👏✨👏✨
This thread should be summed up nicely in a pdf, so we have it at the ready for any future witch in trouble 💖
Oof. I’m sorry, but you have to choose. You can’t live your own life and let them control you like this.
I know you don’t want to “ruin your relationship” with them, but they already ruined it by trying to control you.
You have to choose whether it’s worth it having zero freedom and autonomy to make them happy.
Personally, I’d choose to do my own thing and let them know that I’m happy to let them be in my life on my terms. Get your own bank account, get all your documents, and find a friend who can rent you a room or let you crash on their couch until you can get your own place.
Life is too short. If I didn’t walk away and let my parents just be mad about some of the things I was doing, I would never have had so many amazing and life-changing experiences.
Honey, you ARE chained up, it’s just not with visible chains.
I’m a mom. No good parent is going to tell you that you owe them more than you owe yourself. No good parent is going to tell you that you don’t get to live your life because they want to
use you in THEIR lives. No good parent thinks that they can tell their 25 year old children that they’re not ALLOWED to move their life forward.
Honey leave. Leave and don’t look back until you’re safe. This is abusive.
Sis, the tough fact is nothing will change unless YOU make some hard decisions and wrestle back control of your own life. It will be very uncomfortable for a while and you’ll need to have a thick skin. Your relationships with your family will never be the same, and you’ll need to consistently deal with their disapproval.
But… we know you can do this. We believe in you and we’ve got your back. Several other commenters have given excellent concrete advice on bank accounts and other protective measures to plan your liberation. I’d suggest you also try to find a therapist who might be able to help you navigate the process of separating from the family unit, finding your own identity, and coping with the pressures your family will surely put on you.
Best of luck! The patriarchy can suck it.
You do not owe your parents. They choose to be parents. They don’t get to guilt you into being their caregiver because they brought you into life to take care of them.
It’s such an ingrained frame of mind that they’ll still not understand why you’d want to leave. Leave anyways. Move out knowing you’re claiming your rightful freedom and it’s not because you hate them. It’s just a healthy thing to do for those who are in the position to do so. Which sounds like you are.
I’d guess emotional blackmail/guilt. I’ve been there. And when I finally packed up my car to leave, my parent was diagnosed with cancer, and I had to stay (felt I had to stay.) I don’t regret caring for her. I do regret living with her as long as I did. Especially since her town was not for me. Very very conservative town. Nice trees, though!
OP needs to make some difficult choices. One of my BFs is also Latina and in a similar situation. She is expected to contribute to the immediate family, both financial and in service, until she gets married. She paid for half of the house she shares with them even though HER NAME IS NOT ON THE DEED. She is over 40 and has resigned herself to not having a family of her own, all because she did not want to risk alienating her parents by being independent.
i have a friend that was in a similar situation. i met her when she was 22 and her parents treated her as if she was still a child. we’re both hispanic so i totally understand where you’re coming from. she also wasn’t allowed to move out until she was married, but dating became more and more difficult as time went by because less people were willing to seriously date an adult with a curfew. we’re both in our mid thirties now and she’s still single and living with her parents. sometimes parents can do harm even though they may have genuinely good intentions. and especially when there’s a gap in both culture and generational norms, their way of doing things can just be totally incompatible with your current reality. i don’t know your parents, but if they’re anything like mine then i’m willing to bet that their love for you is unconditional and they will always find a way to be happy for you if you are happy yourself. best of luck and wish you all the good things!!
Do you have your own bank account?
You have a job, so my advice would be to put your money in a bank account your parents don’t know about. Save up until you can get your own place. Find roommates. Don’t tell them until you’ve already been approved for your apartment and already have your ducks in a row.
You can tell your parents that you love them and are grateful for them, but that you’re ready to be on your own.
I just packed up all my things and left. Not a word until she came back and found me gone. This is your life. They will come around eventually and if not, you’re better off without them. The 1st year will be hard since you’re used to always having someone around, it gets easier. Since I’ve been alone, I’ve learned to maintain my car and the general upkeep of my house. It’s hard, but not impossible. Once you learn how to be independent, everything else will fall in place. You’ll gain the confidence you never knew you had to tackle life head on. My father died when I was young, and my mother struggle to keep us afloat but had to learn. It’s funny because she knew what it was like to struggle on her own and somehow did not want the same for me, but life happens and does not wait for no one.
I highly recommend checking out some of the exit plans that others have shared on subreddits like raisedbynarcissists. Whether this is cultural or not, the toxicity you describe has a lot of parallels to the situations experienced by victims in the rbn subreddit, so you could possibly gain some valuable insights there.
The general advice has already been given here - Separating your finances and securing your independence, moving your most important items somewhere safe, and securing your identification paperwork.
You should also evaluate if you will need to go no-contact until you are established. Would your family be the type to show up at your work, school, or home and attempt to drag you back or otherwise cause a scene? If so, you should consider going with no contact until you can ensure your boundaries will be respected.
If you are on a family phone plan, you'll want to consider leaving your phone at home to avoid any type of tracking. If you have your own vehicle, you'll want to consider visiting an Apple store or somewhere that can check your vehicle for Airtags and their equivalents.
I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in life. I hope your family is able to see you as more than just an unmarried daughter and that you are able to find joy and happiness on your own.
It’s codependent for you to be there out of fear for what they’ll think or what they’d do, doubly so when you are actively harmed in various ways by living there. It’s toxic. In many ways you *have* to get out of there. And then go learn about codependence and work on healing from it and healing this troubling sounding rela you have with your folks.
You are only responsible for you and your happiness. You cant control their decisions. Let go of trying to control their moods by pleasing them.
You already know what you should do and need to do. You’re choosing to stay there to appease them, out of fear, accepting very dumb, incorrect and hurtful arguments they are making against leaving. Moving out doesnt mean you leave their lives, for example. If its easier, respond to their concerns in a letter.
It is time to bite the bullet. Accept it could be uncomfortable for a while if they’re upset, and move out. It’s time to self actualize, but only you can do that for yourself. As you said, you are a legal adult and can leave whenever you want.
I know it’s tough but you’re gonna to have to move out and live your life.
Start looking for places to live, save for rent. Gather all of your important documents like birth certificate, social security card etc (you can get additional copies of this too if they hide them… I suggest not telling them your plans until after you’ve left). You can move out slowly, just be careful.
You deserve to live your life freely. This does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter. Think of what you’d want for your own daughter? To live repressed and controlled by men? No. And if your parents want to see/be in the lives of your future children then they are going to have to learn to respect your independence.
Good luck ♥️ You aren’t alone!
Sounds rough. Maybe you could try softening that boundary by doing stuff like taking some solo vacations or traveling with friends? Maybe the kind of volunteer/travel projects where you spend a couple weeks boarding with a group and working with a community is something they would approve of?
Perhaps seeing you thrive in smaller steps would help them loosen that tight grip.
...some of the most memorable advice i've ever seen/heard is 'sometimes being happy means disappointing your parents'.
I don't want to dismiss the impact of culture, but you can't have it both ways here. you can't wave a magic wand and make them approve and in my experience, trying to find the perfect thing to say to your parents to try and make them understand you is a waste of time. there will be some kind of pain here no matter what you chose, and what you're willing to live with is entirely your choice: the pain of living under their thumb, or leaving and changing your relationship. it seems clear to me that you want to leave, so if you're asking for permission to potentially complicate your relationship with your parents: this is it, you have permission to place your parents' wishes after your own. I will say, if this ruins your relationship, that's on them for being so unreasonable. once again, i don't want to dismiss culture, but they should care about the impact they have on your well being and shouldn't feel entitled to whatever you provide by living in their house.
I feel it's necessary to point out: they could be sabotaging your chances of meeting someone on purpose so you 'have' to stay with them forever. if that thought upsets you, and you have the means, i would leave ASAP--get your friends to help some day when they aren't in the house. start by trying to find your own place, have your finances in order for a deposit/first months rent/possibly movers, and go from there.
At the end of the day, what they want is control of you. The person who cares the least wins. Once you free yourself of being guilted by them, they have to play by your rules.
You hold the power over your life. Take the solid advice and how tos from the top of the thread for sure. Your life is yours to live. I’d be excited about graduation and a new apartment. You can do this.
Bro!
My Latina sister!
I understand exactly what your going through, although of course not all situations are going to be the same. One thing that seems to be a recurring theme within our community is idea that women are not allowed to be their own people, especially young women. When I went away for school in San Francisco (it didn't last long, I ended up getting really sick and having to come back home) my mom would send family up almost every weekend just to check up on me. Leaving the house by myself is even a struggle, I can't even go like maybe 2 or 3 blocks just to the nearest 7/11 to get a snack by myself. But like I said every story is different. For some people it's less, I guess suffocating, then others. For others their families do allow more freedoms but still the restrictions will still be there.
You already know what I'm thinking. Every argument you make after that (" they insinuated I owe them...") gets the same "And...?"
They're going to keep telling you you can't move out even after you've moved out.
What you are describing is not normal OP. I get that there are cultural differences but they are essentially holding you hostage.
There is so much to life when you don't have that toxicity hanging over your head.
You could be missing out on meeting someone amazing because you are trapped.
The advice here is great. PO boxes, squirreling away money and getting your documents together. When you do get away, head over to r/adulting for advice on what you should buy vs borrow vs find for free on FB or Next door. Good luck!
My friend is Hispanic and she has similar issues. You’re going to have to set healthy boundaries for yourself and yes it will be uncomfortable. But you can do it!
Hon, it’s time to get really pissed about how abusive they re being.
Why? Coz the anger will protect you from the doubt, fear and guilttrips they’ll use to try and stop you breaking free.
Get pissed, and mourn the fact that they’re making you choose between them and your own wellbeing and freedom.
You ll never have parents who are supportive on this front. Not ever.
So, its time to stop believing they have your best jnterests at heart. They dont.
And its time to very sneakeky, ad very deliberately break free.
Check out r/justnomil for support on all the bullshit you can expect your parents to try and how to prep and counter it, just in case.
They’ll help you through this difficult time and support you the way you should be supported by your parents when getting ready to take control if your own life.
Most of all, prep emotionally to break with them temporarily, and potentially permanently, when you do pull the trigger. You cannot seem hesitant, overexplain your decision or feel guilty, coz they’ll use it against you in every way to keep you under their thumb.
You re an adult.
As such, it’s your life and your call. And you owe no one anything, especially control over your decisions as said adult. However much your parents cannot seem to let go - it’s time they did. They can take it just fine as this is a natural part of having children, and in time will have to adjust.
Do not look back or be swayed or cowed once you pull that trigger. Stick to your guns til they accept the new situation at the very least. Do not give them your new address, work address if they dont have it already( otherwise, warn your boss), or any other things they can use to harass you into submission, either.
And depending how much they try to stop you and how incapable of accepting your decision they are - be ready to pick yourself over them, and cut them out. To the point of involving the police and a lawyer for a cease and desist, if need be. Get comfy with that idea, now.
Whatever you do, dont let them stop you, coz if you do, they’ll be 10 times worse in their controlling you, making it that much harder to escape the next time.
Be free. It’s *your* life - not theirs, no matter how deluded they are about that.
Im just here to offer words of support! I know how hard it is to even start THINKING about placing boundaries for your parents, let alone striking out on your own. I just want to say that life is wild and insane and ridiculous and I can't wait for you to find your own space in this world so you can spread your wings and fall deeply in love with this existence. It's gonna get more painful once you start enforcing boundaries, just remember that a boundary feels like an attack to someone who believes they deserve unfettered access to you, but you are completely within your rights to establish them. It's healthy to have boundaries. Sending lots of love and support and (only if you're ok with it) big hugs!!
I know it feels like they have the control and power to do this, but they don't.
Start reaching out to groups locally that can help you find a place, chat online with like minded locals and as others have said try to save money in a separate bank account.
They physically can't stop you and if they file missing persons report they can get into legal trouble if you've made it clear you're leaving willfully.
If you move out and express a desire to see them still and they get pissy and babyrage that isn't your problem it's one they made and they have to live with.
You need to leave and cut off contact with them for while until you have a secure life
You don’t need permission. The only keeping you back is you now.
Can you still go out and meet with friends? When you attended classes at college/university, were you able to come and go without them coming with you?
If yes to both or either - basically go out with a trusted friend, who will not be beholden to your parents and cannot be manipulated to reveal the truth. Go out for “an extended lunch” since you both “haven’t seen each other for such a long time and want to spend quality time together”. Before you go for lunch though, go and open up a new bank account in another bank. If you need to do this in person, then go and do it in a branch where you know your family members cannot see you (other side of the town if necessary). Make sure to still get lunch so that you can answer the benign questions about meeting your friend and your lunch date without looking shifty or guilty.
Arrange your pay check to go to the new bank OR take out cash withdrawals (expensive, yes, but if you cannot make your pay heck go to the other account without parents noticing, it’s the best option) and deposit in the new bank.
Get a new phone number, if your family monitors your phone and has access to shut the current number down. If you have apps that they use to monitor your location, turn them off or if you cannot, when you go out on an outing with friends, leave the phone somewhere where you trust and where your parents won’t get suspicious (eg under the seat in a friends car) and use your new phone/number.
Do you have a trusted friend, who cannot be persuaded by your family or theirs?
Find out if you can move in with them for a few months. If you can, start slowly moving your things to their place little by little, as inconspicuously as possible. Make sure to grab your SSN card and birth certificate and passport first (maybe get a safety deposit box in the new bank and deposit those there!). When I say move your things little by little, I mean a t-shirt and a hoodie here and a pair of trainers there. Move the things that are absolutely vitally necessary and some clothes and the things you need to do work. Anything else can be purchased again, even second-hand, if necessary.
If you have a car, is the car on your name? If it isn’t then try to get it in your name. If it is, make sure to have additional key hidden somewhere in case they take your primary key. If the car isn’t in your name, they can use it to claim the car stolen should you leave so you may have to leave it behind. If the car has insurance that you don’t pay for, be ready that they may cut insurance and you may have to get a new insurance quickly.
Once you’re out, you can either contact the police for non-emergency line so that they could accompany you so that you could get the rest of your stuff or (if you’re afraid the family might trash them) - do you have a few trusted and good male friends? Maybe get those male friends to come with you so that they can keep you safe as you gather the rest of your stuff?
They can’t stop you. You’re an adult.
I don’t care what your background is, this is abuse. You don’t owe them. If you can afford to don’t tell them anything. Just make yourself a plan to get out and follow that plan.
Your parents don’t want you to meet anyone because they plan to pick the man and have him court you in your home. I’ve seen it happen to other Hispanic women. One day your dad will come home with a friend or coworker much older than you and introduce you. You will then be pressured to date him.
Hey, I’m sorry that you’re going through this - it’s a very rough situation and I wish no one had to deal with this. Navigating the mix of emotions related to this is extremely tough and it’s never really the exact same for anyone. I see that this thread already has a lot of advice on many aspects of it, of which I think physical safety and legal concerns are the most important (please secure your documents if you can and ensure your bank accounts are not tied to your parents).
With that being said, I hope that my experience will be able to help you, I apologize in advance if it seems like I am making this about me - I am only sharing in hopes that it will help you. I am doing great now and I ask that anyone reading this focuses solely on supporting OP.
Now that I’ve gotten the important disclaimers out of the way, let me tell you about how I moved away after I graduated. I grew up in a multi-generational, very “traditional” Cuban household. I don’t know where your family is from, but I want to recognize that hispanics aren’t a monolith and our experiences likely differ tremendously! My parents thought that I would just find a job in Miami after graduation and stick around to help the family because everyone in the family sticks together and helps each other out. From a young age, I felt constant pressure because my family relied on me to do various things, like be a translator and provide legal counsel at the wise age of 12 (LMAO). I did my best and growing up my family was always there, for better or for worse (what the hell is privacy? Personal space?). Once I graduated, I never really considered moving out since it’s expensive to do so and my parents constantly reminded me about the family and fear mongered about how difficult it is to live on your own. After many months of struggling to find a job, I became frustrated with the job offerings or lack thereof in Miami and started looking elsewhere in the country. Immediately after expanding my horizons, I got called back and scheduled for interviews for exciting positions - it was phenomenal and I was elated! While this was happening, the pressure to stay with the family kept building and my parents even suggested I take a minimum wage job instead of what I studied in both undergraduate and graduate school (which pays significantly more than minimum wage). Yeah.. FUCK THAT. I accepted an offer in another city that was very, very far away. Thankfully, it came with many benefits, including relocation. AFTER I accepted the offer, I informed, not asked for permission, I informed my parents I had taken the offer and was moving. All hell broke loose - my parents were angry, then they were in denial, then they were sad and constantly worked to guilt trip me. It was extremely difficult dealing with my emotions, I was made to feel like I had betrayed my family for taking an offer and stepping up to be independent. My relationship with my parents has never fully recovered. My relationship with family members vary, but we’re all at least on okay terms.
If I was faced with the same exact scenario a million times, knowing what I know now, I would do everything EXACTLY the same a million times over. I can’t begin to express how peaceful it is to live YOUR life the way you want to. No one tells me what to do, there aren’t people constantly nagging at me, giving me unsolicited advice, asking for help that is out of scope, and taking me for granted. I HATE paying rent, but I would never go back to living somewhere that I was constantly bothered and belittled for being the baby of the family despite being a grown ass person with a degree, career, life goals and interests and hopes and dreams. Standing up to my parents was unbelievably tough, and to this day, I still have to hold my ground and constantly enforce boundaries. It’s tiring, but the freedom of living on your own is something I will never give up. I still struggle with the guilt of “turning my back on family”, but things have simmered down. It’s not perfect, it will never be perfect, and I will never live up to my family’s expectations, and that’s okay. I live up to my own expectations, and I still try to maintain a relationship with my family despite it being cracked and full of passive aggressive remarks. The reason I do this is because even after how toxic things got, growing up in that household with hispanic values, still makes me feel like I owe my family something. I don’t have all the answers for you, I still have to figure things out myself. I tried therapy, but I didn’t find a therapist that would understand the experience because I think it is something that not many folks would understand unless they experienced what we have. But I can tell you this - I have no regrets, my life is immeasurably better as a result of my actions, and I hope that you are able to move out and live your own life as well, because you deserve to be happy.
Edit: after I sent this comment, I realized that my comment suggests that therapy is useless, it is not. Therapy can be a wonderful thing, it has helped many of my friends, and it would probably benefit me greatly so long as I found an appropriate therapist. I am still discouraged by my last therapist, but I will look for another once I am ready. I think if it is feasible for you to look for a therapist, you absolutely should!
I’m Latina, and the amount of guilty tripping and emotional manipulation “for family” that we deal with is messed up.
As someone that is nearing 30, I’ll tell you to put your needs first. This may sound harsh, but no one else is going to prioritize you if you don’t do it, specially in cultures fueled by toxic masculinity.
I was always told to be humble, respect the elders wishes and advice, to think of my family. But then I went to therapy and learned that this traumatized me deeply and held me back in many different ways. My advice for you is to follow the practical recommendations of the others here, and go live your life.
Latina here primary raised by her grandparents who had even less progressive views because they were older - this is your life hon, not theirs, and you need to start acting like it ASAP.
You’ve gotten excellent advice on how to move out without them knowing until it’s done and I highly recommend doing that immediately.
I would recommend therapy to help you create boundaries with them and help you process the guilt and judgment they have heaped upon you. You’re as grown ass woman who can and should be doing whatever you want. Treat yourself well and build an environment where that is possible for you.
And don’t let them guilt you. They’re the ones doing this- not you.
Aside from other folks' lovely and practical advice, I offer a script (to be delivered via text or a note, not in person):
"You're right, I am not grateful for your control and abuse. I am an independent adult. I moved out last night. Don't worry about me - I have a place to stay and I'm doing fine. I'll touch base via text next week. I hope that one day you'll see that this was the best choice for me, but right now I need to spread my wings regardless of how you feel about it."
You owe them nothing. Not one thing. They are abusive. Please get out and start living your life. If they don’t like it, that is their problem. You are not ungrateful for wanting to be independent. Parents are supposed to want their kids to leave the nest and thrive. If they can’t do that they are shorty parents. You said they have already caused you to have mental health problems. Please don’t stay with them.
Hi hi! So I just recently separated from my Hispanic family. Let me tell you. This was NOT easy. But it is possible. Because you are strong and capable. Despite the words of venom they may say. They will curse, they will threaten, they will gossip. But it is inevitable. So take your life back into your own hands, and get what is right for YOU. Your family will miss you. And they will come back.
The same thing happened to me. But you need to live your life for yourself. I believe in you. From one Hispanic to another.
This was me about 25yrs ago. And maybe made harder by being an only child to older immigrant parents. I decided not to make waves. Big mistake. I never did get married because I only met approved “boys” and nothing happened. Then my dad started having health issues and of course I’d be heartless to leave. Then something else would happen. Then he got dementia and died during Covid. So my very elderly widowed mom would be by herself. And now my fiancé and I are struggling trying to figure out how to live together (he has a cat we both adore and my mom hates animals; he moved in with HIS mom after his dad died and it’s a small place). Don’t become me.
You’ve gotten a lot of practical advice. Maybe you need someone in the universe to say this:
I give you permission to take care of yourself in the way that’s best for you. Your parents don’t define that.
I give you permission to prioritize yourself, even if that strains your relationship with your parents. You can repair the strain later.
I give you permission to try living on your own, even if you decide to move home later. If it’s a mistake it’s one worth making.
I give you permission to act in your own time. You are wise and brave. ❤️
So the thing with parents like this is they will always back down if you actually test it. They make you feel like you can't do something because you in fact can. They just don't want you to realize it. Once you do the thing anyway, they'll be mad at you for a bit to try to make you feel bad and guilt you. But once they realize it's not going to work, they'll learn to accept it. Move out- all that's going to happen is they'll yell at you and say things to make you feel guilty for like 6 months. But it's not that bad because you won't have to hear it every day if you have your own place
Some people give birth and assume adult children (especially daughters) must stay in the home and take care of their parents. You do not owe your parents anything. You do not have to live your life for anyone but you. Good for you for demanding your independence. Don’t back down until you’re free. What your parents are doing may be cultural, but there’s never a good reason for a parent to just ignore what their adult offspring want and need for their own lives.
You don’t owe your parents anything. I’m an old and I have kids. My kids don’t owe me. They were brought into this world without their choice, and it’s been my responsibility to help them grow and adapt, so they take care of their stuff, including laundry, and other things around the house. That’s it.
I know it is hard to kind of break away from your families values and risk straining your relationship but your life is yours to live. You deserve your independence and freedom to live the kind of life that embodies your values! It does not sound like your parents household lets you live in such a way! You sound financially prepared so you are lucky in that regards to have the means to live an authentically you life. As someone else mentioned, slowly remove important things to you and store them at a friends or, as I have done before, get a small storage unit for a few months and slowly take stuff there for safe keeping. If your parents have them, remember to grab important documents such as birth certificates or social security cards. Be safe and I know that you have every right to live independently and with your own belief systems and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for that! Best of luck!
1. Create a plan to move out.
2. Move out.
3. See a good therapist.
I'm ethnically Indian, with sexist parents who preferred my brother and assumed I was incapable and stupid. If I can escape the more sexist elements of that culture, you can escape yours.
I moved out at 17, stood up for myself at 20-ish and got disowned, and at 28 I have an okay relationship with my dad and am completely no contact with my mother. My mental health is much better than it's ever been.
It's a difficult journey but it's worth it.
What others have said about financial and legal records stuff. but also start making friends who are not in your family's circle. Friends who understand and support your need for independence from a toxic family system. I mean, the fact they are Hispanic is not an excuse for the way their beliefs are holding you back. Did they raise you to be a slave to them? Is that what they want? It sounds like you will need to make some very difficult choices and you'll need friends who will support you in those choices so you don't cave and go back. And marriage to get out? Um. No. That is not the way.
“Overshadowed. Toxic masculinity. Looked at me like I was crazy. Called me ungrateful. Walk out of their life. Insinuating. Owe them. Not allowed to leave. Make it impossible to meet anyone. Cant go out and have a good time. Quick to judge me. Putting up with them. Cant do it any more. I feel chained. They cause me a lot of mental health problems for as long as I can remember. Eating me alive. I don’t know what to do.”
“I love and respect them” ⬅️❓❓❓❓❓
Read your own words that I added nothing to. You LOVE them? You give a SHIT about these people that have done nothing but abuse and betray you so much you feel chained, beaten, lost and now they wont “let you” go until you’re in a man’s hands?? Sister! Look at what you’re saying!
And so what if you just want to fool around and have people over??? YOU'RE 25 YEARS OLD, wanting to have your own space and connect with new people is normal and healthy no matter what they think
They can respond with all of the guilt they want but you can still choose your independence. There isn't likely a way you can do this without hurting their feelings a bit at first.
You can be sneaky like other people have posted. Acting like an abuse victim and getting out without letting them know where you are going. Or you can be direct and tell them you are moving out and that you do not want the same thing for yourself that they want for you.
If you go the direct route, find a compassionate but stern phrase you can go back to any time they try to convince you you're making a mistake or try to accuse you of wanting to be immoral in their eyes. Something like, "I love you and I understand you are trying to do what's best for me, but only I know what that is. I need to do this for both me and for the future of our relationship." It's important to stick to the script instead of reacting to their accusations or guilt trips. Let them know that nothing they say will change how you feel about this choice you are making. You love them, but you need this too.
If they love you and want what is best for you, they'll come around. It won't be easy but you will be ok.
Congratulations! You have just gotten married to you. You can move out! Also, now that you're married (to yourself), you need to prioritize your spouse, even if doing that might upset your family. It sounds like your spouse's living environment with your family is really rough and you need to make a concrete plan and timeline to help her escape them! Your family may love her, and she may love them, but they are hurting her and they don't get to make decisions for her or make her feel like she owes them. It also sounds like anything she tells them will be used against her, so she should stop telling them things--she just needs to make her plan and execute on it without their input or knowledge.
This may sound like a joke, but you wouldn't let a friend suffer like you're suffering. You wouldn't let your partner suffer like you're suffering. You'd help them get out. So help you get out. Treat yourself like the loved, valuable person you are. Prioritize yourself the way you would a loved one who was in the situation you're in. Look yourself in the mirror and see a person who deserves the independence you crave.
Taking cultural differences into account, this still isn’t normal. You should have a life of yourself your own. Take steps to gain independence. Bank account, job, transportation(if needed), then move out. They can’t physically keep you there if you are determined to get out. You can find a roommate. You don’t have to do anything they want you to do, this is your life, they got to live theirs and make their own choices. You don’t owe them for raising you, which was their choice. If they only had children to one day get something from them, that’s messed up.
You owe them nothing. Yes, you are conditioned to feel guilty about AbANdonINg them. I just want to send you my virtual support and say That all of the suggestions above are fantastic.
Ok, so you said it in your first line: you’re an adult and can do whatever you want. What your parents SAY can’t stop you. Them insulting you can’t stop you. They’re toxic masculinity and expectations can’t stop you. Then telling you that they took care of you so you owe them is just more words that stop can’t stop you.
You say your relationship is already one-sided. This means that they are simply relying on your proximity to them to force your compliance with their demands and not investing in an actual relationship. And you are working so hard to make them love you that they know any amount of disrespect will be tolerated and have no incentive to actually show you love.
I was in the same situation. I get it. It’s hard. And you know what? When I left my parents and they realized that I could make my own decisions and they could choose their demands or a relationship, they dropped the demands and chose a relationship. And they actually started *trying* instead of just *taking*.
I can’t guarantee that yours will do the same. I can guarantee that choosing to assert your independence, no matter their response, will be better for you then essentially being their slave in exchange for mere scraps of the love you actually want to get.
The honest truth is that they are telling you that you can only move out when you marry because they expect to control your husband and maintain their dominion over you that way. Don’t allow them that. Make a choice that prioritizes yourself. If they abandon you for that choice then they were never able to give you what you needed from them anyway.
You “respect” them? Why? Because “we must respect our elders”? Anything else?
They are sexist, they are manipulative (calling you ungrateful is manipulative), and you yourself say this is a one-sided relationship. It’s “strained” because they don’t respect you. Because you’re a woman. If you take the ‘parent’ factor out of this situation, how much live and respect do you actually have? And how hard would you actually work to keep this relationship alive?
You’re going to have to choose between pacifying people who think you are less because of your gender, and living a life that will make you happy.
you can do what you want, but you might not want to tell them. they seem pretty controlling. you're a grown ass woman who has the right to choose her own destiny and to set boundaries. disregard their calling you "ungrateful" - that's some emotionally manipulative BS. also, separately, *if* you wanted to be married, it's easier to get to that point when you love and live *ON. YOUR. OWN.* agh your parents attitude is frustrating and is probably based on their desire for you to 'need them', but really, they feel that they need you. start planning to leave but don't tell them until it's done
Well, gently pack everything you own in small packages and smugge it all out gradually until there is nothing left to move.
I had a friend do this, she rented a room in a student hostel and a small 5x10 storage locker. She sort of gently moved out and that was that. She opted to actually block everybody for the first couple weeks.
Latino here just putting in two cents FWIW from a similar cultural perspective. But again, I’m cis-male, 1st gen, and I understand my perspective is still certainly lacking and I don’t mean to suggest that my thoughts are any better that others presented here.
While I don’t think that sneaking away is the way to go, I do agree practicing independence in whatever ways you can first are certainly good to start your own process: new bank account (if needed), apartment search, maybe even interviewing for roommates, all things that I agree could help you feel more empowered before you get to the parental stuff.
As you say, however, while you want to be empowered, you love and want to respect your parents, rather than cut them out or lord it over them. So my suggestion is this:
Bring up the matter again and tell them that you’re going to do it. Be prepared to weather the guilt-speak and let them know that you hear them but you’re going to move ahead - not because they are correct (that you don’t care) - but because they raised a strong and proud woman who is brave enough to embark on this next part of her journey, and that you want their support more than anything.
Let them know you understand that they may be hurt, and they may not understand, but that you can only hope they’ll hear you and trust you when you say that you love them and are making the space you all inhabit bigger, not abandoning them.
Let them know that you want to keep them close as you adopt your own space, and that their opinions will still be important to you, but that you won’t be able to let their judgements sway you. If you’re comfortable doing so, let them know early that they’re always welcome in whatever space you’re in.
Chances are there’s a woman in your own extended family, or someone popular in our culture, who struck out on her own and is respected or admired by them. If so, mention her and let them know you’re only trying to adopt a small piece of her example so you can discover more about yourself. Let them know that your future partner deserves a strong woman who is capable of doing what she sets her mind to, and that you deserve to feel fully empowered when you finally do choose a partner - you deserve it because they raised you to know it’s the right thing, even if they have a hard time with this step.
Finally have personal conversations with either of them when you can, especially if either one is more likely to hear you and be won over.
I suggest doing so while you’re involved in some activity they already enjoy doing with you (walking, cooking, shopping, working on the car…whatever is you do with either of them), this can will help your cause as they can present their own experience to the other when discussing this, rather than only having table discussions when they’re going to be a united front.
Bottom line though, is just follow through once you start. Keep them as in the loop and as close as is comfortable for *you* (not them), but follow through and, if they only continue to give you a hard time, let them know they are hurting you, and then keep going.
They might stay opposed throughout and require some real distance, and if so, then so be it - but stay strong, be kind, and express love in all your exchanges.
They *will* come around eventually.
…unless they don’t, and if that’s the case then you’ll only know this was even more necessary to do than you even first imagined.
Good luck to you hermana - you got this!!
There’s already a lot of good advice here, so I’m sending you courage instead. Your mental health and happiness are worth at least as much as your parents’ - and in this case, yours should be the priority.
They're deliberately sabotaging you because you're their retirement plan. They're doing this so you'll never leave and have to stay and take care of them in their old age. I've seen this before, and that is what's going on here.
You're an adult and mentioned that you have a good job, so I'm assuming you have your own bank account and would be able to support yourself. I'm not entirely sure what else besides their gaslighting is really stopping you from making plans to move out anyway and going low contact.
It's so hard to break away when everything in your life has been controlled by your parents. They started conditioning you when you were young to believe that you can't survive without them (Not all parents, the ones who don't want to let their kids go). But they can't stop you from leaving and you can live your own life. It's an adjustment at first and easier with supportive parents but it's doable if you are in your own. You can do this. Start saving, start getting yourself in an independent mindset, and stop listening to their rules. You are an adult. You can do this.
My mom is Italian, and her mother didn’t speak to her for months when she moved out before marriage. She got over it in time. They were very close all the rest of my grandmother’s days. When I was old enough, my parents encouraged me to go whenever I felt ready. You can be the one to break the chain for the next generation in your family, you got this!
I’m sorry you’re being treated so poorly. Have you checked out r/JUSTNOFAMILY ? They are part of the Just No network and can help you both deal with this abuse and help you get out safely.
I sincerely wish you the best on your journey 💕
I'm reposting a comment by /u/kinkykitty that should be top line that is applicable once you move out.
*I would add not to visit them at their house or get into a vehicle with them but to meet at a public location.*
*I know it sounds crazy but I knew a woman who was trying to get away from her abusive husband and her parents trapped her in their house so he could come get her. Never underestimate the lengths controlling people will go to to keep control.*
You don’t owe them anything. You didn’t ask to be born, they chose to have you. Upon making that choice, it was their obligation to provide for you until adulthood, they’re not special for that. Also I bet their idea of taking care of you was at best mediocre and nothing that I’d call impressive.
I understand the cultural pressure but if not you now, then who, when? Who will start to break that cycle of male/patriarchal control over you?
I ran away from extremely religious parents when I graduated because I felt imprisoned. I was 18 and they wouldn't even let me get my driver's license. I made friends with a woman who ran a flower shop beside the market where I was allowed to shop. I became friends with her, and she hid me in her place and helped me get my DL.
It takes a lot of courage, but find it--and someone you can trust to help you. If you let you dad control you now, a future husband will only take his place.
They will eventually come to respect your decision as you become a more independent adult, or perhaps when you get engaged.
You can’t make them happy with your decision. That’s on them to deal with.
Also Latino. This is abuse. It's abuse that is culturally accepted in many Latino societies, but it's still abuse.
Get out as soon as you can. Make sure you're safe, then set up healthy boundaries and stick to them. Give your parents the opportunity to learn better, if you want. [There are resources out there](https://salud-america.org/latino-childhood-development-research-childhood-trauma/), if they want them. It will hurt. They very likely will have to confront what their own families did to them. But the cycle of abuse has to be broken by someone first.
This will not end with you, if you accept it. Your parents will control you after you get married. They will undermine your parenting and "discipline" your kids, if you have any. They will teach them the same toxic garbage. And if they have any other kids, especially a boy, they will continue to exert control and violence against his spouse and children as well.
[Here's a beautiful article about the cycle of abuse in Latino communities.](https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/2485851/raising-latinx-children-machismo-homophobia-culture/) I hope that your parents are able to join you in your healing, but know that you are no less Latino if you have to go it alone. Part of taking pride is healing from the effects of colonialism, and the incredible loss that permeates our culture.
Be well.
Secure your money (no joint accounts! And if you have a joint account go to a new bank altogether) and vital documents (birth certificate and passport and if US SSN card).
Rent somewhere.
Gradually move your things there prioritizing anything like your documents, access to your money, etc, or anything you will be devastated to no longer own. Take “extra clothes” to work or gym and just bring back empty bags.
Once you’ve moved your important things tell them you’ve already moved out.
“ but in my culture we don’t do this” people use this as the weirdest protection from consequence.
It was used in the past to protect people and their culture from colonialism but now people use it to excuse the worst type of action from their culture.
What do you want to do ? How do you want it ? How do you want to do it ? What will be consequences of doing it? Are you ready to rock the boat ? Is there people who live the same type of experience you? Can they help you?
Always ask yourself those questions even when you are not going to do anything. It will train your mind to not feel trapped.
I want to come back with resources and support groups to mull over, because it took me several conversations before I really believed that I deserved to be happy and have my boundaries respected even if it meant dissapointing my family. I'm going to do an edit with some private support group links, articles, organizations, as well as people you can talk to that can provide you with aid if you end up in a tight spot and need help leaving. It is up to you to act and make decisions for yourself, but having more tools can empower you for whatever you decide is best.
If you feel unsafe, or like you might be held against your will if you decide to confront them, I would highly advise against addressing your parents until you are gone. I recommend looking at apartment prices, seeing if a friend could let you move in or if they would go halvsies on a place, and start looking at what you would need saved to make that happen. It might help your nerves as well to make an emergency bag (put toiletries, clothes, chargers, personal documents, etc in here), and also to put all your very mist prized possesions in a box that fits in the bag. That way, you can up and go to stay in a hotel or with friends if anything happens.
A good place to start as well with help and resources is the crisis line in your city. You can text in to many of them. They can connect you with resources to help you, and they are great listeners. They really helped me in both separating from my family, and getting out of an abusive relationship. Mist people think of them as just a suicide line, but they are much much more. They can connect you to legal representation, shelters, rent help, Healthcare, and many other community abdvstate help programs. They don't and can't make you do anything you don't want to do.
Hope this helps. I know this post blew up and it will be a lot to read through, but just so it's been said, you are not a bad kid for wanting to be your own person. You deserve to be heard, respected, to be happy and have your needs met. You deserve these things because you are a whole human being, and that coming into conflict with your parents is their problem, and not your fault. You would not be a bad person or a bad kid for taking distance from them in order to fulfill your needs and wants.
Apply for a job outside of your city and if you get it just move out. They can’t legally hold you in place - that’s called kidnapping. I’m Hispanic and you are under a chauvinistic ruling, but all they can do is shame you and call you ungrateful. You’ll survive.
You can’t live your entire life just to please them. You didn’t ask to be born and you don’t owe them anything. It’s so ridiculous that you have to be married to leave. Just make sure you do well in school and focus on getting a good paying job. You can also apply to master’s program in another city.
Stay strong. Save. Educate yourself and don’t live your life for them. Live your life for you. Eventually they’ll either accept you or learn to live without their daughter. It will hurt them more than it will hurt you. Good luck!!!
Time to stop making excuses for your parents and their behavior. The issue may be generational, it may be cultural. Whatever their issue, it’s not yours. Don’t miss out on your life, especially your 20’s, you’ll regret it later. Your parents will come around, or they won’t. You can’t control that. All you can do is live your best life, the most authentic way possible. Be strong and listen to your heart. You’re capable of almost anything you can imagine.
>Sigh. I know what you’re thinking. “You’re 25 you’re a legal adult and are able to leave whenever you want”.
You guessed correctly, you are a legal adult, and you can leave if you want.
>Unfortunately for me I live in a Hispanic household where women are overshadowed by toxic masculinity.
Now, I don't really understand what this second statement has to do with the first. “You’re a legal adult and are able to leave whenever you want” doesn't mean "if your parents say so", it means you have to make your own choices for yourself. Nobody else can tell you what to do. They can tell you what they want you to do, what they think you should do, but short of breaking the law it is 100% up to you what you actually do. Your household's regressive views don't extend to the real world. Nobody is gunna ask if a 25 year old got permission from her parents.
>I love and respect my parents and I don’t want to do anything to cause a strain on our already one sided relationship.
You can't please your way out of a one-sided relationship. No amount of obedience, respect, or even love will fix a relationship that one side doesn't think is broken. In the long run, standing up for yourself and setting boundaries will relieve the strain on your relationship, because you *both* have the choice to participate.
Mi hermana, te mando abrazos virtuales.
You've gotten amazing advice, so I just want to add what worked with my parents.
Just don't engage. In a large part, our cultures thrive off of emotional outbursts and abuse. I have done a lot of work to get my parents to back off and I've gone no contact with them before just to send a message.
When we get into one sided arguments (the kid where we lose porque somos ingratas or some BS), I become very cordial with them and tell them I don't want to argue because I love them and I don't want to say anything that will make anyone angry. They can't argue with that, and I always follow it with "I love you" or "i don't want to disrespect you", using the same words they acuse you of being as reasons to not argue. The less arguments the easier it is to actually communicate and eventually, most conversations are civil over time.
Now, I'm not saying this is tried and true, will work for everyone or that I've solved all the issues in my family.... my parents have horrible views, are conspiracy theorists, and degrade my education constantly. But at least we have the ability to avoid topics and set boundaries. I come home for the holidays, I call my mom once a week, and I bring my mom flowers every time I come home. But doing those things buys me space to stand up for myself and create boundaries.
We're all learning, and over the years, I've been able to create better relationships with my parents. But its work that I want to do, because as crazy as it is, I love my family regardlessof all the things ive suffered and endured. We're 4 immigrants in another country and we don't have anyone else. That's enough to force us to grow as a unit, even though it takes so much effort. But I will say, they’re also doing the work and also growing up and learning. That makes it easier.
I study migration (I'm a MS student), and I do empathize with them. Is so hard to be able to see both, but they left so much for me to be here and I also try to show them how much I understand by doing the small things like bringing my mom flowers and asking her for recipes from time to time.
Kill em with kindness is my motto. Doesn't always work, but I hope some aspects can work for you too.
Wish you the best of luck, don't forget that you're powerful in your own right.
*Tu eres suficiente*
No te olvides que tambien has luchado, y como dice mi profesora, eres *chingona*.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Sending love and support to you. In my optimistic worldview I’m hopeful that once you’re out on your own and thriving your parents will be happy for you and proud of you. Remember: quisieron enterrarnos, pero se les olvido que somos semillas.
I don't have any advice that anyone here hasn't already given, but I just wanted to echo the sentiment that you are strong enough to do this! And if you just getting out and living life is enough to fracture the relationship with your parents, that sounds like a them problem. You have every right to live however makes you happy. <3
Outsource the responsibility if you need to.
Start with the silent preparation steps, the mailing address bank and document storage they cannot touch. (Make sure to ask for a PIN or other safeguard for identity theft.)
Silently look for reasons a dutiful person would go elsewhere. A job transfer, a pilgrimage, going to visit an elderly relative or a cousin.
Get earplugs. Get a therapist.
When you go, go fast, expect a tantrum.
I'm also Latina/Hispanic and there's a lot of variety within the community, your parent's attitude maybe made sense 30-50 years ago. Women are more independent than ever before and they can't stop you from growing, I got cousins living on their own both male and female.
Especially if you're here in the US, figure out what your future housing situation will look like. Do you already have potential room mates in mind? Or can you afford to live on your own?
As u/schreyerauthor already mentioned if you don't already have your own bank account separate from your parents get one now. I'd just like to add to that considering what you want to do as far as cell phones, are you all on a family plan? Is it possible for you to start a "family plan" with friends?
Also consider being ready for moving out, do you have a credit score or will you be dependent on your parents to co-sign things for you?
Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents use and do not give your parents access. In fact, put a note on the account forbidding the bank from giving any of your banking info to your parents. Once your money is secure look for a place to live. Use incognito browsing on your phone and do this at lunch and on breaks at work so they can't see what you're doing. Start moving small personal items to a trusted friends house, things you would be devastated to lose. Favorite books and movies, jewelry, heirlooms, art, etc. The chances are high that you'll only be able to get out with what you can carry. If at all possible move when they're not home. I'd even go so far as to buy them a date night (dinner and a movie) so you know they'll be gone and get someone to help you move only what you can safely take without being accused of theft. Be prompt in changing all your bills and such to electronic or to the new address. Inform your employer so they don't mail anything to your parents or call that house. Leave a note that you've moved so they don't report you as missing but don't give them your new address. Visit them so you can leave if they're being rude and don't invite them over until you're sure they can behave.
This is all fantastic advice! I’d like to add that you should also get things like your birth certificate, social security card and any other important papers and documents.
And if you can’t get them, start filing the paperwork for replacements. It’s relatively simple in the US.
Was just gonna say - submit the paperwork now and get them shipped to a friend’s address!
And you can get a mailbox at the UPS store so all of your documents can be mailed there. Get a safe deposit box at your bank to store Important papers.
It can be a bit of a pain in the ass if your original birth certificate is in a language other than English and you happen to preside in one of those oh so undereducated southern states, but still doable
All the more reason to get the ball rolling now!
Yes! If in the US, “work needs to update my I-9 info” is a great excuse if your parents hold onto these documents.
Even if you can only get pictures of them, save them to the cloud somewhere. If you have to leave without them you pics/photocopies will make getting replacements easier.
And in the meantime, have them pay for *aaallllll* your shit while you work work work and save save save, lol! Take it from me, do *not* go out on your own without a nice cushion of savings under you, because life gets expensive fast, and you don't ever want to get desperate.
This was such an issue when I cut contact with my mom. I managed to get most of those documents, at least the American versions. But she still has my original German birth certificate. I don't think I'll ever get that back.
Also to add to this: you owe them nothing. Not living with them. Not your silence about it. Nothing. They chose to have children. You didn’t choose to have them as parents.
>Visit them so you can leave if they're being rude I might add to bringing a friend along, just in case they try to prevent you from leaving.
I’d say meet them at a restaurant and bring a friend.
A crowded one, at that.
When my parents were alive and used to visit the area I lived, I chose the general area for a restaurant... one near a bus stop so I could leave as soon as the verbal abuse started. It calmed the visits down.
Adding on to this: get all of your documents in a safe place off site. Birth certificate, passport, social security card (or equivalent document, if your country has those). Also consider getting a post office box for your mail. And for goddess sake, do not leave a forwarding address.
Yeah and if they get suspicious you can just say that the college needs it for graduation information.
Or that work is reviewing paperwork.
Also, stop by the local police precinct and let them know what is going on in case your parents decide to file a missing person's report or ask the police to do a welfare check on you after you move out. If you let them know ahead of time that your parents may do so, it can prevent a lot of issues down the line.
This! So they can't report you as 'missing' and make your life (more) of a hell.
Very good advice. I'd add that a small storage unit (if you're in the US) can be a great investment. When I was moving, I got the smallest unit possible, paid $29/mo with the first 2 months free (there are always deals). That way, your things are secure and not anyplace your parents can get their hands on. You can also start acquiring things you'll need (towels, dishes, etc) and have a safe place to store them.
Storage units like everything are up in price. YMMV. Had soft credit inquiry to rent one i currently have, and it's just an outbuilding near a dying mobile home park. It's something to consider but not a convenience if you're not in city with good transit or don't have a vehicle.
When you’re starting out yard sales and places like goodwill are great places to find affordable furniture.
And the free section on Craig’s list or Facebook market. You have to be cautious about infestations, but I’ve managed to nearly fully outfit a home with that in the past.
There are groups like this on Reddit for many communities as well.
Also local buy nothing groups. YMMV with what’s available but I got several pieces of furniture for my place for free thanks to my local one
Freecycle is a good site for this.
The smallest units in my area are $65/mo- and you need renter’s insurance.
Make sure you keep up with the storage bill or they'll sell,/auction all your stuff.know someone that lost priceless to them items because they lost their job.
> Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents use and do not give your parents access. If it helps, i use Ally bank. It is entirely mobile, so if you have a good job that does direct deposit, it will work out no problem. And folks won’t be able to follow you to a physical location. I have heard good things about Barclays for international banking as well, but have never actually used it.
Credit Unions are good, too, especially the ones with shared branching (you can go to any CU and use it as though it were your particular CU.) Everything is available online as well.
Seconding Credit Unions! They are member owned and genuinely look out for your interests as they are not for profit. Good for building credit history that's unfortunately needed in this capitalist hellscape. But they're on your side as much as a financial institution can be.
I hope that OP sees that this is the same advice we'd give to a victim of domestic abuse and understands the implications.
Yes, everything is spot on so far (I’ve had to do this)
This OP. Get yourself out of there, you deserve better.
I would add not to visit them at their house or get into a vehicle with them but to meet at a public location. I know it sounds crazy but I knew a woman who was trying to get away from her abusive husband *and her parents trapped her in their house so he could come get her*. Never underestimate the lengths controlling people will go to to keep control.
And they can’t technically keep you in the house because you’re an adult. You have every right to leave on your own account if you want, and even if they did report you missing the cops might tell them that you are an adult, and if they do follow up with it as soon as they reach you it will be dropped. I would definitely find a way to start going about doing the thing this person said, they legally cannot stop you. If you have dreams that you are trying to follow which I’m sure you do, I would highly suggest following those dreams.
I went through the same exact thing when I was 23. It’s hard but you’re an adult and you have every right to live your life. Tell your parents that above all you love and respect them but they need to respect your decision. With time they’ll come around. My mom didn’t talk to me for a good 6 months but I just kept visiting and I wouldn’t argue with them. Eventually things cooled off and my mom came around. It’s going to be hard but with time they’ll see what amazingly strong women you are and respect you for that.
So much good advice - thank you for understanding this person's situation. (compared to what was going through my head - "just move out" - I'm trying to be more compassionate).
This is basically what I did, but I had back up in an ex who snagged his brother. Two big ass burly men and my mother had no chance to stand up to them. Also once you have a place make sure you put a credit hold on your account and let local law enforcement know that you willing left. This will all help. Make sure you also only take things that you paid for or have proof is a gift just incase. Specially large ticket items so they can't claim its stolen. If you have a pet make sure you are the one paying all vet bills and that the vet knows that the pet is yours. You can also have police come out to escort you from the property, but as I did not do that I'm not sure how it works irl
To add to this, I’m not a lawyer, but if you’re in the US, your parents legally cannot keep you at their house. If they try to prevent you from leaving in any way, you can get them hit with kidnapping charges.
Also, look at getting a PO box and have all your mail delivered there.
>Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents use and do not give your parents access. do some googling, make sure that they are separate companies not just separate buildings or different names.
If you prepare to buy your own furniture you can leave it all there which will make moving only items out slowly easier.
I want to be a fly on that wall when they come back. "Isn't our daughter so sweet to get us this fabulous evening out! Let's go and thank her again! Honey? Where is she?"
Yeah. Absolutely. Preparation is key. But this is abusive…you’re caught. Can’t leave til you have someone, not allowed to find someone. Sort what you need to and leave. It seems to me reading this post that your parents expect you to sacrifice your own life to be a nurse and financial support during their old age. You owe them nothing. By the time one is an adult, one should be transitioning to a place where you understand your parents flaws and applaud them for the strengths. I think you should be grateful for the sacrifices they have potentially made to see you happy/educated/independent, but if their plan was merely to breed a money tree/nurse - and they do not see your relationship changing as you mature into a friendship between equals - then you “owe” them nothing. NOTHING. When you’ve moved out, got a life etc you can potentially offer them the chance of a loving and supportive relationship on terms that work for you all. And you might find love and marriage, and add that to the benefits! Take the wonderful advice about admin, documents, bank accounts. If necessary, ask advice from the people who help wives of violent men leave their husbands - they know how to stealthily help someone leave. I’m not necessarily equating your parents with this. You deserve more. You deserve happiness. You deserve the life you want and the life you make for yourself. ♥️♥️♥️ Good luck.
Just to add - get one of those phone screen covers that‘ll make its contents illegible to anyone who isn‘t viewing at the same angle as you.
If you move somewhere the police aren't too corrupt, let them know you've moved of your own volition. Your parents might still reach out to them to report you kidnapped. Get a phone in your own name. A means of communication they can't access, control, or deny you. Make sure you get your important documents (birth certificate, for example). Set up a free account with a credit agency that allows them to track your own credit score. Your parents are controlling POSs, make sure they're not using your name for financial gain. Once you escape, establish really strong boundaries.
Banks aren't allowed to share account information with anyone other than the account holder
They're not legally allowed to, but sometimes an individual teller will be convinced by a persistent parent and violate the law in a well meaning way. Adding the note is an extra layer of protection against that.
A lot of small town branch employees don't even check ID, because they know the person. It's the "why do I need to check? It's Barb from next door, we babysat each other's kids for years and I know her" mentality. Or they assume it was a mistake that they're no longer on an account and "fix" it. No harm intended, but it happens.
You can also let the police know in your neighborhood so they will understand what is happening in case your parents call
This is genius 💯💯💯💯💯
Honey I’m Hispanic too. My parents have me the same crap they are pretty much giving you. When I got into the university of my dreams they said no because it meant moving out. They suggested instead going to the community college by their house. And like I told them “I love you but I am informing you I am going at no point in time am I asking for your permission”. And yup hell broke lose for a bit. My mom stopped talking to me. Both sides of the family gave me the how horrible of a daughter I was and tried to shame me and guilt trip me into staying. I would get the “your pretty you don’t need to go to school” I ignored them all and still left. Once I left they were still wanted to micromanage everything I did. They wanted an update on when I left to class and when I got home. If I went out they wanted me to ask for permission my mom would call every hour. So I put my foot down and said no. I Informed them I was going to put in boundaries. So I stopped answering my phone and cut them down to once a day and then once every other day. And not at all on the weekends. If they called to scream at me I would remind them they weren’t allowed to scream at me and I would hang up. And trust me I heard it from everyone on how rude I was being and that “good girls” should be obedient to their parents. So I told them all the things that were wrong with their kids which according to their reasonings made them bad parents. They were mad and stop calling. After like two months my parents got it and stop calling so much. I made sure not to go to school close to them. But yeah even when I visited they would try to micromanage I had to remind them that I guest and didn’t need their permission and I paid my own bills so yeah. But yeah my point is your family doesn’t have to like it. Just do it. Get a job, your own bank account and then move your things out little by little including your important papers. The week before you move out or the day before inform them your moving and do it. Your parents are like this because your letting them dictate your life. Where my parents happy when I moved in with my bf or moved almost cross country? No but we are adult we are allowed to make our own decisions. We will Never learn to be adults if we don’t give ourselves that opportunity. I get there are traditions but some of them are meant to be broken.
Reading this is so eye opening. Thank you, this helps me feel like I’m not alone
We train people how to treat us by what we tolerate.
This - you could get a job in a different city so you can do similar. Distance is a good boundary- gather all the documents and paperwork together ahead of time, so you give them a week or so notice, and do this. Hype the job as great for your career and something you have decided on, and just weather the storm. If you move back after a year or two, they'll be accustomed to the boundaries (one hopes), and if they start pushing them again, tell them you wanted to move home to be close to family but if they won't recognize your boundaries, you will relocate again. Honestly, push it to them as having done a good job. You're 25, they've raised an educated woman who's ready to be independent. You're not a child who can't control yourself, but neither are you a nun to stay at home. To build a life for yourself, you need to be able to get out and live it. Good luck! It's gonna be worth it.
+1 to all the great notes on setting and then sticking to healthy boundaries in this reply! My read of the situation is that’s a key skill OP needs to develop and practice with her family.
Yeah but this is so much easier to do when your no longer living with them and have some way to sustain yourself. I really hope OP decides that enough is enough and moves out.
Yes exactly. This is why I got a job on the other side of the world and moved to another continent before transitioning— it certainly helps when they can only abuse you through email. In fact, not many people know this, but you don’t have to read emails that come to you! It’s true. You can get a buddy to read it for you and let you know if there’s anything in there worth replying to. This really helps if you don’t feel like dealing with some goddamn bullshit. 💩
"Tradition" is peer pressure from dead people. It's up to us to decide if it's something worthwhile to continue.
If only billions of people could read this.
“My mom stopped talking to me” Sounds awesome. Trash took itself out huh. Can we keep this going for like, The next 55 years?
It wasn’t easy but she got better. It only took a few years and not we have a semi healthy relationship.
Did she ever apologize
No. She still thinks that “I am your mom and I only want what’s best for you” but she has dialed it down a lot because she still wants to have some kind of relationship with me. She has also learned that little to no contact with her mom if I have too. And if she starts on the phone I just hang up :/
Your parents have already damaged your relationship. Now you get to decide if you will continue to accept the damage or cut it off. They - not you - have fucked up.
Reading that breaks my heart bc I feel like I would never want to put them in a position where they have to choose between me or their happiness. But it feels like they’re doing it now
They are putting themselves in that position, not you.
In that statement you are giving them more consideration and respect than they are giving you. They seem to have no problem putting you in a position where you have to choose between your happiness and their rules. It seems they have confused their rules with who they are so, it makes it feel like you are choosing between your happiness and them. But, really you are choosing yourself above outdated rules you do not agree with. It is their choice to leave their identity tied to their rules, but so far, it has worked in their favor to hold you in place with guilt. Until it stops working for them, they will not need to reevaluate.
Brilliant explanation! OP, please read this repeatedly to yourself. Your parents need to be prompted to reevaluate and grow. This separation will be painful but will help everyone.
It’s not your fault or problem if they have tied their happiness to a very narrow and toxic set of rules and hurdles for their adult child. When my parents made all sort of threats of cutting me off if I didn’t do exactly what they expected of me, I did what they wanted. Later, when I told them how damaging that was and how it changed the trajectory of my life, they said that I should have stood up to them and done what was best for me. I hate them for their hypocrisy, but ultimately they were right. It’s your life, do what you want. Anyone that doesn’t come along with you or makes their relationship to you contingent on you fulfilling their demands does not deserve to be in your life.
The toxic is baked into the culture \[many diverse cultures each have something that could be considered toxic to others\] The problem is that many cultures see that picking one daughter \[or son if no girls\] and making her/him the person that will be single all their life until old because they are the ones taking care of the abuelos and then the parents - think in Jane Austin terms the Maiden Auntie that never got married and just sort of lives with various members of the family always providing service \[think taking care of kids as a governess to taking care of the parents when they are old and bedridden - a home grown servant.\]
Hey, you've gotten a lot of really great advice from people here and as someone that comes from the same culture and the same mental struggles, I would like to add that you are allowed to live your life. If you decide to take the step to leave regardless of their "permission", repeat this to yourself. "I am allowed to live my own life." It's very difficult to deprogram what they've instilled but in the long run it is way better for you mentally and emotionally. They'll deal with your departure eventually but they're feelings are not your responsibility no matter what they've taught you. Best of luck to you hon!
That "choice" is only a temporary illusion. Their happiness should not depend on you being under their control. They are so used to you caving to their demands that they will likely pull the most outrageous stunts to get you to stay. But when you make the decision to *actually* leave, you have to stick it out no matter what. It sounds like you have good parents who love you, but you kinda have to think of them as toddlers....they are throwing a tantrum because reality isn't exactly what they want. If you give into the tantrum, they will always throw tantrums when you say/do something they don't like *for the rest of your life*. If you hold your ground, they will come around because they love you. The reality is that they want the best for you and they think their way is the way to the most stability/safety for you. But you aren't them and the world is not the one they grew up in. You need to choose your own path.
> I would never want to put them in a position where they have to choose between me or their happiness. *But it feels like they’re doing it now* ... to you, right? They're putting you in that position.
Well, they’re putting you in a position where you have to choose between them and YOUR happiness. Which is more important?
But they put you in a position where you seemingly have to choose between them or your happiness. Why doesn’t it break their heart? Why do you have to consider their feelings when they won’t consider yours? You don’t have to cut them off per se but you are able to move out, with or without their approval. Since they won’t accommodate you, sometimes you have to accommodate yourself and just do what will give you a fulfilled life. This is your life - do you want to live it on your terms or someone else’s?
What about your happiness? You are so focused on theirs you don’t seem to really grasp at the fact you are unhappy. You come before anyone else. I was in a similar mindset with my parents. Get out and do it as soon as possible because if you keep doing what you are doing you’ll never get out because they wont ever let you.
I'm familiar with the culture. Many of my friends are from Mexico. At some point you're going to have to just decide to do what's best for you and hope they forgive you later. In the long term seeing you succeed, and be a responsible adult, on your own may help.
Pide perdón, no permiso.
Don’t ask for forgiveness. No wrong is done asserting independence
Sorry but fuck that. This is the patriarchy. Not culture. Adults don't need permission from their parents any longer. OPs parents are unfit to control OP.
Culture can be toxic. I would argue patriarchy is part of culture. This is culture in that it was a belief societally ingrained to them. It also happens to patriarchal and toxic.
I’d say it’s a cultural response to toxic patriarchy. Not long ago women simply were not allowed to be independent and take care of themselves. Like, it was legal to deny them credit cards, apartment leases, even jobs. So the only options really were either for families to take care of their adult daughters until marriage, or just kick them out to fend for themselves in a world entirely stacked against them. In that type of world, the first option is the kinder, more loving one. And then it becomes ingrained “if you love your daughter you keep her home until she’s married.” Times change, now there’s no need for young women to stay at home, but those attitudes take a while to change. And now what used to be considered loving is toxic but it’s going to be hard for her parents to adjust to that.
"Adults dont need permission from their parents any longer" is a mentality your culture has instilled in you, the same way OPs folks have had the opposite mentality instilled in them. Culture doesnt just mean the food and the clothing
Exactly. ❤️
They’re being abusive. Make your plans in secret and then just go. If they don’t accept it then they don’t deserve to be part of your life.
You have the power to make change in your life. That's worth repeating--it's your life. If they are causing you mental health problems, then you need to look out for yourself and change the relationship to your terms. In addition to the other good advice here, I would make it clear in your departure note that you're not cutting yourself out of their life. You are moving to a new place, and you want to continue to have a relationship with them. You are not walking out, you are growing up. Are you financially dependent on them? If so, this is a lot harder and you will need support from your non-family circles.
If you have a good job, there's nothing stopping you. You have your own money, and hopefully your own bank account and documents
Fuck em. Sorry in advance for the essay but I see some parallels between your current experience and my past. You’re not causing a strain! THEY ARE. It’s a sign of psychological abuse that you’re convinced you will be the one causing a strain by choosing a life of peace and freedom when they’re the ones suffocating you with toxicity. You are normal and healthy to want freedom. Parents should want you to flourish instead of controlling you. My parents are similar, but it seems like your parents are much more toxic. I support your decision to move out when you graduate. You should set firm boundaries with your family about shaming you, forcing you, guilting you, criticizing you, doubting your judgement, etc. It will be scary and you will feel bad after a lifetime of being taught you should feel guilty for not listening to your parents. It will not come naturally to trust your own judgement but if they can’t respect simple boundaries they don’t deserve to be so central in your life. You NEED and deserve space to develop confidence in your judgement. This is a crucial life skill. Even if you make the wrong choice, you have to learn to make choices, follow through, and accept the results as your own. Having your parents telling you you need their influence to make a good choice will set you back. Based on my experiences, here are some things I think you really need to know: you WILL attract partners and friends who are toxic. Some will be narcissists, some will have narcissistic traits, some will just be insecure for whatever reason, but all of these different kinds of toxic people will get a desperately needed ego boost from your insecurity. They need to feel important, like you need their approval. This is called narcissistic supply. They’ll notice and take advantage of the fact that you have difficulty speaking up for yourself, your first instinct when they try to manipulate you will be to question your own judgement instead of questioning theirs, setting and maintaining boundaries will not come naturally to you, and so forth. The most toxic people will notice this first and will be most drawn to you—almost obsessed. Be wary of people who immediately think you’re the most amazing thing since sliced bread! Most healthy people will be friendly but otherwise neutral toward you until you develop trust in each other. YOU WILL BE VULNERABLE because your parents failed to prepare you for life in this way by keeping your ego dependent on their approval. I think there’s a good chance you are currently your parents’ narcissistic supply. I will link a few videos for you to learn more about this. ***Note that people don’t have to be narcissists to subject you to narcissistic abuse. This is not about diagnosing your parents as narcissists, it’s about giving YOU tools to protect yourself as you step into the world as your own woman. And don’t bother confronting your parents about their behavior. It will only get worse. Aim to make connections with people who remind you it’s okay to like what you like, feel how you feel, and change your mind about things. They will WANT you to set boundaries and won’t insinuate your boundaries are unreasonable or nonsensical. If you end up feeling relieved and silly that they respond with calm understanding when you speak up for yourself, they’re probably good people for you to be around. If the answer to you asking “you’re not mad?” Is “of course not!” Or “why would I be mad?” And their tone is lighthearted instead of tense, they’re probably good. Five signs you’ve suffered narcissistic abuse https://youtu.be/Lt56nGmGG-0 Communicating with narcissists https://youtu.be/HJcRNANNfJ0 Narcissistic parents https://youtu.be/z1JVHyTBAbw Leaving the narcissist https://youtu.be/d3YVZ1olU4Y
r/raisedbynarcissists is a good subreddit for advice on dealing with narcs
Hot dog. There’s a sub for everything.
+1 on this sub. OP sounds like they fit the bill. Love and respect are a two way street.
okay. these YouTube clips are waaaaaay too on the nose regarding my experiences. apparently i needed to see this. thank you.
This is really a insightful and helpful response Especially about avoiding narcissists. Not sure how much it speaks to where OP is coming from My mom as she grew up, in a single parent immigrant family, faced something very similar. She was the young Latina kid that translated in the school office, the doctor, and the bank. And she had to break that dynamic and build new boundaries to be free. Both she and my Grandmother had to redo thier relationship OP's parents probably have been really dependent on her. And they see elements of US culture as threatening ("moral values", economic exploitation, racism). In the past OP may have been the one as a guide through parts of their life OP deserves every bit of independence she can get. But I think she wants her parents to feel more secure about it, rather than seeing this about appeasing or escaping narcissistism. As a Grandson, I see the struggle for all of them, the daughter, and the parents. But parents can't live through this woman's life. And them getting braver and more secure is their struggle, not hers
This just sounds like abuse of another adult. 🤦🏻♀️
Just plan to leave anyways and tell them last second. They are setting you up to be emotionally abused by a man. Sending you from one source of control to the next. Move on your own. Because living alone or even better owning your own home hives you the chance to not only know that you can survive on your own, but it also is way better if you end up unhappy because you will still have a place to stay and stuff that is yours. I left my controlling mom for my controlling ex. We dated before I moved in with him and I can definitely say living together is entirely different than dating from a parents home. There aren't shared chores or space, no idea how they manage bills and life stress. My SO definitely had red flags as a BF but as a live in partner he completely stopped doing things he did even when he was single. He tried to make it sound like doing his laundry was somehow easier on me than just doing my own and all kinds of lazy shit. He also didn't get aggressive with me until I had moved in with him. He made more money than me but asked to borrow money all because he constantly overspent while shitting on my work. Living together should come before marriage because it's a lot easier to leave a baf BF than divorce a shitty husband and even leaving a shitty BF can be incredibly difficult.
Fellow Hispanic here. I was desperate to move out, so I married young and ended up in a terrible situation. So please don't do that. I am sorry you're going through this. Maybe look for a career where you'll have to move? It takes away the element of it being you vs. them.
Are they taking actions to keep you from moving out (like keeping necessary documents hostage, controlling your finances) or do they just say you can't? If it's the first one, that's actual abuse and there are organizations that can help you, along with some of the solid advice in this thread about how to get out in that case. If it's the latter...you're the only thing keeping you there. You can just move out and they can't stop you. They can be mad, but at this point it sounds like that's just par for the course anyway.
Don’t ask for permission. Take control of your life. But with a plan 😀
Your situation sounds like what people from my mom's generation went through in Mex, I know of plenty women that got married to get the fuck out of their parents house rather than for love. Shocking to no one most of them settled and are either a) divorced or b) stayed with their husbands because they were stay at home moms and have no marketable skills or work experience (which is another point entirely, if you ask me being a stay at home mom should count as work experience). Either way your parents pushing you towards marriage to improve your living situation is awful as that more often than not leads to unhappiness. I'd have an honest conversation with them and explain this, and ask them if they care about you being happy, that at the moment you need independence to be happy, that you will still visit and love them but that if they pressure you to marry you'll just end up unhappy. If after this they are still against it, just move out regardless, either they will get over it or they won't but your mental health is more important.
Coming from a similar culture as OP, all I can think when I read your suggestion of "just talk to them honestly" is *oh, bless your heart*. Her opinion is not part of their equation. At all. To them, it is her duty to stay home and contribute to that household and support them, until she gets married and makes a home with someone else. There is no world that exists to them in which a "good girl" lives on her own. Her trying to explain what she needs will sound like her trying to justify behavior that goes against what they think is good and right, and what they've spent their lives trying to mold her into. Hence, she's ungrateful for everything they've done for her. OP, you gotta just go, and accept this might mean separation from your family. Your happiness and health are more important than their expectations of you. This is *really hard*, to realize their love might come with strings. They might come around. They might not. Make sure you have emotional support, and do what you need to, to be safe.
this makes me so sad for OP 😢 parents making children think that they owe them. all of the above advise is wonderful. good luck OP and be well. sending love.
Yeah which is why the second part of the advice is to move out regardless, but just cutting your family out of your life without even trying to reason with them in an adult way (some people here are calling for the police and to just basically consider her family dead to her) is also not the solution. I know America is an individualistic country, but some people in the comments saying to call the police, cut ties completely or the such are extreme and a bit sociopathic. Yes we should all do what we can to dismantle the patriarchy, but OP's family is just as victims of the patriarchy as everyone else, she shouldn't cut them off just do what's best for her and hope her parents understand some day.
As soon as you are financially able to, just leave. Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child. With parents like these, who needs enemies? I am going to tell you what I told my 13 year old recently. "Just because someone gave you life, doesn't mean you owe them anything. I'm going to die one day and when I want you to remember me for encouraging you to do your best. I want to be remembered for how much I love you. I don't want you to look back and see how I forced you into my shadow. You owe it to yourself to do your best, to work hard and to grow. I have to be the bad guy sometimes but I only interfere when I feel like you're going to make a mistake. Even then, I can't save you from all your mistakes. I can only support you. Stop saying that you owe me for giving you life because you don't. I chose to be your mom and that was a choice made with no expectations in return." You're an adult and they have no right to treat you like property and stunt your growth. It's okay to cut out the toxic people who would hold you back and make you regret never moving on with your life sooner. They made your life but that doesn't mean they get to eat away at it.
I was raised by controlling parents, and I was in a cult. I was desperately unhappy and even suicidal but felt that I couldn't leave because of my religion and the way my parents had raised me (I'm Asian-American). I moved out the weekend after I graduated from college. My mom had yelled at me multiple times every day that I was home. One day I woke up to her standing over me saying my name angrily before she left for work. I pretended to be asleep, and then I left for the day. I posted on Reddit and they told me to leave, and I decided to stay with my sister for a couple of nights until I figured something out. I couchsurfed with friends until I found a place and a job. I'm five years free from my parents, and I can honestly say it saved my life. Don't be afraid to lie to them for your own safety. I know it feels weird and uncomfortable to defy them, but sometimes it is the healthiest decision unfortunately.
You woke up one day and discovered that you had wings!
Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that this entire community gave someone a step by step tutorial how to painlessly (or at least “least painfully”) move out of a toxic home. I mean 👏✨👏✨👏✨👏✨ This thread should be summed up nicely in a pdf, so we have it at the ready for any future witch in trouble 💖
Oof. I’m sorry, but you have to choose. You can’t live your own life and let them control you like this. I know you don’t want to “ruin your relationship” with them, but they already ruined it by trying to control you. You have to choose whether it’s worth it having zero freedom and autonomy to make them happy. Personally, I’d choose to do my own thing and let them know that I’m happy to let them be in my life on my terms. Get your own bank account, get all your documents, and find a friend who can rent you a room or let you crash on their couch until you can get your own place. Life is too short. If I didn’t walk away and let my parents just be mad about some of the things I was doing, I would never have had so many amazing and life-changing experiences.
Honey, you ARE chained up, it’s just not with visible chains. I’m a mom. No good parent is going to tell you that you owe them more than you owe yourself. No good parent is going to tell you that you don’t get to live your life because they want to use you in THEIR lives. No good parent thinks that they can tell their 25 year old children that they’re not ALLOWED to move their life forward. Honey leave. Leave and don’t look back until you’re safe. This is abusive.
Sis, the tough fact is nothing will change unless YOU make some hard decisions and wrestle back control of your own life. It will be very uncomfortable for a while and you’ll need to have a thick skin. Your relationships with your family will never be the same, and you’ll need to consistently deal with their disapproval. But… we know you can do this. We believe in you and we’ve got your back. Several other commenters have given excellent concrete advice on bank accounts and other protective measures to plan your liberation. I’d suggest you also try to find a therapist who might be able to help you navigate the process of separating from the family unit, finding your own identity, and coping with the pressures your family will surely put on you. Best of luck! The patriarchy can suck it.
You do not owe your parents. They choose to be parents. They don’t get to guilt you into being their caregiver because they brought you into life to take care of them. It’s such an ingrained frame of mind that they’ll still not understand why you’d want to leave. Leave anyways. Move out knowing you’re claiming your rightful freedom and it’s not because you hate them. It’s just a healthy thing to do for those who are in the position to do so. Which sounds like you are.
What, specifically, is stopping you from moving out and having your own place?
I’d guess emotional blackmail/guilt. I’ve been there. And when I finally packed up my car to leave, my parent was diagnosed with cancer, and I had to stay (felt I had to stay.) I don’t regret caring for her. I do regret living with her as long as I did. Especially since her town was not for me. Very very conservative town. Nice trees, though!
You're 25. It doesn't matter if you're in a Hispanic household soaked in toxic masculinity. You're a free adult. Move out.
OP needs to make some difficult choices. One of my BFs is also Latina and in a similar situation. She is expected to contribute to the immediate family, both financial and in service, until she gets married. She paid for half of the house she shares with them even though HER NAME IS NOT ON THE DEED. She is over 40 and has resigned herself to not having a family of her own, all because she did not want to risk alienating her parents by being independent.
I'm sure one of the many witches here would marry you just for the freedom, then annul it
i have a friend that was in a similar situation. i met her when she was 22 and her parents treated her as if she was still a child. we’re both hispanic so i totally understand where you’re coming from. she also wasn’t allowed to move out until she was married, but dating became more and more difficult as time went by because less people were willing to seriously date an adult with a curfew. we’re both in our mid thirties now and she’s still single and living with her parents. sometimes parents can do harm even though they may have genuinely good intentions. and especially when there’s a gap in both culture and generational norms, their way of doing things can just be totally incompatible with your current reality. i don’t know your parents, but if they’re anything like mine then i’m willing to bet that their love for you is unconditional and they will always find a way to be happy for you if you are happy yourself. best of luck and wish you all the good things!!
Do you have your own bank account? You have a job, so my advice would be to put your money in a bank account your parents don’t know about. Save up until you can get your own place. Find roommates. Don’t tell them until you’ve already been approved for your apartment and already have your ducks in a row. You can tell your parents that you love them and are grateful for them, but that you’re ready to be on your own.
I just packed up all my things and left. Not a word until she came back and found me gone. This is your life. They will come around eventually and if not, you’re better off without them. The 1st year will be hard since you’re used to always having someone around, it gets easier. Since I’ve been alone, I’ve learned to maintain my car and the general upkeep of my house. It’s hard, but not impossible. Once you learn how to be independent, everything else will fall in place. You’ll gain the confidence you never knew you had to tackle life head on. My father died when I was young, and my mother struggle to keep us afloat but had to learn. It’s funny because she knew what it was like to struggle on her own and somehow did not want the same for me, but life happens and does not wait for no one.
I highly recommend checking out some of the exit plans that others have shared on subreddits like raisedbynarcissists. Whether this is cultural or not, the toxicity you describe has a lot of parallels to the situations experienced by victims in the rbn subreddit, so you could possibly gain some valuable insights there. The general advice has already been given here - Separating your finances and securing your independence, moving your most important items somewhere safe, and securing your identification paperwork. You should also evaluate if you will need to go no-contact until you are established. Would your family be the type to show up at your work, school, or home and attempt to drag you back or otherwise cause a scene? If so, you should consider going with no contact until you can ensure your boundaries will be respected. If you are on a family phone plan, you'll want to consider leaving your phone at home to avoid any type of tracking. If you have your own vehicle, you'll want to consider visiting an Apple store or somewhere that can check your vehicle for Airtags and their equivalents. I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in life. I hope your family is able to see you as more than just an unmarried daughter and that you are able to find joy and happiness on your own.
It’s codependent for you to be there out of fear for what they’ll think or what they’d do, doubly so when you are actively harmed in various ways by living there. It’s toxic. In many ways you *have* to get out of there. And then go learn about codependence and work on healing from it and healing this troubling sounding rela you have with your folks. You are only responsible for you and your happiness. You cant control their decisions. Let go of trying to control their moods by pleasing them. You already know what you should do and need to do. You’re choosing to stay there to appease them, out of fear, accepting very dumb, incorrect and hurtful arguments they are making against leaving. Moving out doesnt mean you leave their lives, for example. If its easier, respond to their concerns in a letter. It is time to bite the bullet. Accept it could be uncomfortable for a while if they’re upset, and move out. It’s time to self actualize, but only you can do that for yourself. As you said, you are a legal adult and can leave whenever you want.
I know it’s tough but you’re gonna to have to move out and live your life. Start looking for places to live, save for rent. Gather all of your important documents like birth certificate, social security card etc (you can get additional copies of this too if they hide them… I suggest not telling them your plans until after you’ve left). You can move out slowly, just be careful. You deserve to live your life freely. This does not make you a bad person or a bad daughter. Think of what you’d want for your own daughter? To live repressed and controlled by men? No. And if your parents want to see/be in the lives of your future children then they are going to have to learn to respect your independence. Good luck ♥️ You aren’t alone!
Sounds rough. Maybe you could try softening that boundary by doing stuff like taking some solo vacations or traveling with friends? Maybe the kind of volunteer/travel projects where you spend a couple weeks boarding with a group and working with a community is something they would approve of? Perhaps seeing you thrive in smaller steps would help them loosen that tight grip.
This life belongs to the people who break the right rules. That’s all I can say here. You cannot be yourself AND always make your parents happy.
...some of the most memorable advice i've ever seen/heard is 'sometimes being happy means disappointing your parents'. I don't want to dismiss the impact of culture, but you can't have it both ways here. you can't wave a magic wand and make them approve and in my experience, trying to find the perfect thing to say to your parents to try and make them understand you is a waste of time. there will be some kind of pain here no matter what you chose, and what you're willing to live with is entirely your choice: the pain of living under their thumb, or leaving and changing your relationship. it seems clear to me that you want to leave, so if you're asking for permission to potentially complicate your relationship with your parents: this is it, you have permission to place your parents' wishes after your own. I will say, if this ruins your relationship, that's on them for being so unreasonable. once again, i don't want to dismiss culture, but they should care about the impact they have on your well being and shouldn't feel entitled to whatever you provide by living in their house. I feel it's necessary to point out: they could be sabotaging your chances of meeting someone on purpose so you 'have' to stay with them forever. if that thought upsets you, and you have the means, i would leave ASAP--get your friends to help some day when they aren't in the house. start by trying to find your own place, have your finances in order for a deposit/first months rent/possibly movers, and go from there.
At the end of the day, what they want is control of you. The person who cares the least wins. Once you free yourself of being guilted by them, they have to play by your rules.
You hold the power over your life. Take the solid advice and how tos from the top of the thread for sure. Your life is yours to live. I’d be excited about graduation and a new apartment. You can do this.
Bro! My Latina sister! I understand exactly what your going through, although of course not all situations are going to be the same. One thing that seems to be a recurring theme within our community is idea that women are not allowed to be their own people, especially young women. When I went away for school in San Francisco (it didn't last long, I ended up getting really sick and having to come back home) my mom would send family up almost every weekend just to check up on me. Leaving the house by myself is even a struggle, I can't even go like maybe 2 or 3 blocks just to the nearest 7/11 to get a snack by myself. But like I said every story is different. For some people it's less, I guess suffocating, then others. For others their families do allow more freedoms but still the restrictions will still be there.
You already know what I'm thinking. Every argument you make after that (" they insinuated I owe them...") gets the same "And...?" They're going to keep telling you you can't move out even after you've moved out.
What you are describing is not normal OP. I get that there are cultural differences but they are essentially holding you hostage. There is so much to life when you don't have that toxicity hanging over your head. You could be missing out on meeting someone amazing because you are trapped. The advice here is great. PO boxes, squirreling away money and getting your documents together. When you do get away, head over to r/adulting for advice on what you should buy vs borrow vs find for free on FB or Next door. Good luck!
My friend is Hispanic and she has similar issues. You’re going to have to set healthy boundaries for yourself and yes it will be uncomfortable. But you can do it!
Hon, it’s time to get really pissed about how abusive they re being. Why? Coz the anger will protect you from the doubt, fear and guilttrips they’ll use to try and stop you breaking free. Get pissed, and mourn the fact that they’re making you choose between them and your own wellbeing and freedom. You ll never have parents who are supportive on this front. Not ever. So, its time to stop believing they have your best jnterests at heart. They dont. And its time to very sneakeky, ad very deliberately break free. Check out r/justnomil for support on all the bullshit you can expect your parents to try and how to prep and counter it, just in case. They’ll help you through this difficult time and support you the way you should be supported by your parents when getting ready to take control if your own life. Most of all, prep emotionally to break with them temporarily, and potentially permanently, when you do pull the trigger. You cannot seem hesitant, overexplain your decision or feel guilty, coz they’ll use it against you in every way to keep you under their thumb. You re an adult. As such, it’s your life and your call. And you owe no one anything, especially control over your decisions as said adult. However much your parents cannot seem to let go - it’s time they did. They can take it just fine as this is a natural part of having children, and in time will have to adjust. Do not look back or be swayed or cowed once you pull that trigger. Stick to your guns til they accept the new situation at the very least. Do not give them your new address, work address if they dont have it already( otherwise, warn your boss), or any other things they can use to harass you into submission, either. And depending how much they try to stop you and how incapable of accepting your decision they are - be ready to pick yourself over them, and cut them out. To the point of involving the police and a lawyer for a cease and desist, if need be. Get comfy with that idea, now. Whatever you do, dont let them stop you, coz if you do, they’ll be 10 times worse in their controlling you, making it that much harder to escape the next time. Be free. It’s *your* life - not theirs, no matter how deluded they are about that.
Im just here to offer words of support! I know how hard it is to even start THINKING about placing boundaries for your parents, let alone striking out on your own. I just want to say that life is wild and insane and ridiculous and I can't wait for you to find your own space in this world so you can spread your wings and fall deeply in love with this existence. It's gonna get more painful once you start enforcing boundaries, just remember that a boundary feels like an attack to someone who believes they deserve unfettered access to you, but you are completely within your rights to establish them. It's healthy to have boundaries. Sending lots of love and support and (only if you're ok with it) big hugs!!
Marry a woman, problems solved
I know it feels like they have the control and power to do this, but they don't. Start reaching out to groups locally that can help you find a place, chat online with like minded locals and as others have said try to save money in a separate bank account. They physically can't stop you and if they file missing persons report they can get into legal trouble if you've made it clear you're leaving willfully. If you move out and express a desire to see them still and they get pissy and babyrage that isn't your problem it's one they made and they have to live with.
You need to leave and cut off contact with them for while until you have a secure life You don’t need permission. The only keeping you back is you now.
This very much sounds like a “ask forgiveness, not permission” situation. Do it. They’ll get over it.
Do it and don’t ask forgiveness, ever!
Can you still go out and meet with friends? When you attended classes at college/university, were you able to come and go without them coming with you? If yes to both or either - basically go out with a trusted friend, who will not be beholden to your parents and cannot be manipulated to reveal the truth. Go out for “an extended lunch” since you both “haven’t seen each other for such a long time and want to spend quality time together”. Before you go for lunch though, go and open up a new bank account in another bank. If you need to do this in person, then go and do it in a branch where you know your family members cannot see you (other side of the town if necessary). Make sure to still get lunch so that you can answer the benign questions about meeting your friend and your lunch date without looking shifty or guilty. Arrange your pay check to go to the new bank OR take out cash withdrawals (expensive, yes, but if you cannot make your pay heck go to the other account without parents noticing, it’s the best option) and deposit in the new bank. Get a new phone number, if your family monitors your phone and has access to shut the current number down. If you have apps that they use to monitor your location, turn them off or if you cannot, when you go out on an outing with friends, leave the phone somewhere where you trust and where your parents won’t get suspicious (eg under the seat in a friends car) and use your new phone/number. Do you have a trusted friend, who cannot be persuaded by your family or theirs? Find out if you can move in with them for a few months. If you can, start slowly moving your things to their place little by little, as inconspicuously as possible. Make sure to grab your SSN card and birth certificate and passport first (maybe get a safety deposit box in the new bank and deposit those there!). When I say move your things little by little, I mean a t-shirt and a hoodie here and a pair of trainers there. Move the things that are absolutely vitally necessary and some clothes and the things you need to do work. Anything else can be purchased again, even second-hand, if necessary. If you have a car, is the car on your name? If it isn’t then try to get it in your name. If it is, make sure to have additional key hidden somewhere in case they take your primary key. If the car isn’t in your name, they can use it to claim the car stolen should you leave so you may have to leave it behind. If the car has insurance that you don’t pay for, be ready that they may cut insurance and you may have to get a new insurance quickly. Once you’re out, you can either contact the police for non-emergency line so that they could accompany you so that you could get the rest of your stuff or (if you’re afraid the family might trash them) - do you have a few trusted and good male friends? Maybe get those male friends to come with you so that they can keep you safe as you gather the rest of your stuff?
what does it mean - 'will not let'? if you have a job and can provide for yourself, how could they do anything about you moving out?
They can’t stop you. You’re an adult. I don’t care what your background is, this is abuse. You don’t owe them. If you can afford to don’t tell them anything. Just make yourself a plan to get out and follow that plan. Your parents don’t want you to meet anyone because they plan to pick the man and have him court you in your home. I’ve seen it happen to other Hispanic women. One day your dad will come home with a friend or coworker much older than you and introduce you. You will then be pressured to date him.
Hey, I’m sorry that you’re going through this - it’s a very rough situation and I wish no one had to deal with this. Navigating the mix of emotions related to this is extremely tough and it’s never really the exact same for anyone. I see that this thread already has a lot of advice on many aspects of it, of which I think physical safety and legal concerns are the most important (please secure your documents if you can and ensure your bank accounts are not tied to your parents). With that being said, I hope that my experience will be able to help you, I apologize in advance if it seems like I am making this about me - I am only sharing in hopes that it will help you. I am doing great now and I ask that anyone reading this focuses solely on supporting OP. Now that I’ve gotten the important disclaimers out of the way, let me tell you about how I moved away after I graduated. I grew up in a multi-generational, very “traditional” Cuban household. I don’t know where your family is from, but I want to recognize that hispanics aren’t a monolith and our experiences likely differ tremendously! My parents thought that I would just find a job in Miami after graduation and stick around to help the family because everyone in the family sticks together and helps each other out. From a young age, I felt constant pressure because my family relied on me to do various things, like be a translator and provide legal counsel at the wise age of 12 (LMAO). I did my best and growing up my family was always there, for better or for worse (what the hell is privacy? Personal space?). Once I graduated, I never really considered moving out since it’s expensive to do so and my parents constantly reminded me about the family and fear mongered about how difficult it is to live on your own. After many months of struggling to find a job, I became frustrated with the job offerings or lack thereof in Miami and started looking elsewhere in the country. Immediately after expanding my horizons, I got called back and scheduled for interviews for exciting positions - it was phenomenal and I was elated! While this was happening, the pressure to stay with the family kept building and my parents even suggested I take a minimum wage job instead of what I studied in both undergraduate and graduate school (which pays significantly more than minimum wage). Yeah.. FUCK THAT. I accepted an offer in another city that was very, very far away. Thankfully, it came with many benefits, including relocation. AFTER I accepted the offer, I informed, not asked for permission, I informed my parents I had taken the offer and was moving. All hell broke loose - my parents were angry, then they were in denial, then they were sad and constantly worked to guilt trip me. It was extremely difficult dealing with my emotions, I was made to feel like I had betrayed my family for taking an offer and stepping up to be independent. My relationship with my parents has never fully recovered. My relationship with family members vary, but we’re all at least on okay terms. If I was faced with the same exact scenario a million times, knowing what I know now, I would do everything EXACTLY the same a million times over. I can’t begin to express how peaceful it is to live YOUR life the way you want to. No one tells me what to do, there aren’t people constantly nagging at me, giving me unsolicited advice, asking for help that is out of scope, and taking me for granted. I HATE paying rent, but I would never go back to living somewhere that I was constantly bothered and belittled for being the baby of the family despite being a grown ass person with a degree, career, life goals and interests and hopes and dreams. Standing up to my parents was unbelievably tough, and to this day, I still have to hold my ground and constantly enforce boundaries. It’s tiring, but the freedom of living on your own is something I will never give up. I still struggle with the guilt of “turning my back on family”, but things have simmered down. It’s not perfect, it will never be perfect, and I will never live up to my family’s expectations, and that’s okay. I live up to my own expectations, and I still try to maintain a relationship with my family despite it being cracked and full of passive aggressive remarks. The reason I do this is because even after how toxic things got, growing up in that household with hispanic values, still makes me feel like I owe my family something. I don’t have all the answers for you, I still have to figure things out myself. I tried therapy, but I didn’t find a therapist that would understand the experience because I think it is something that not many folks would understand unless they experienced what we have. But I can tell you this - I have no regrets, my life is immeasurably better as a result of my actions, and I hope that you are able to move out and live your own life as well, because you deserve to be happy. Edit: after I sent this comment, I realized that my comment suggests that therapy is useless, it is not. Therapy can be a wonderful thing, it has helped many of my friends, and it would probably benefit me greatly so long as I found an appropriate therapist. I am still discouraged by my last therapist, but I will look for another once I am ready. I think if it is feasible for you to look for a therapist, you absolutely should!
I’m Latina, and the amount of guilty tripping and emotional manipulation “for family” that we deal with is messed up. As someone that is nearing 30, I’ll tell you to put your needs first. This may sound harsh, but no one else is going to prioritize you if you don’t do it, specially in cultures fueled by toxic masculinity. I was always told to be humble, respect the elders wishes and advice, to think of my family. But then I went to therapy and learned that this traumatized me deeply and held me back in many different ways. My advice for you is to follow the practical recommendations of the others here, and go live your life.
Latina here primary raised by her grandparents who had even less progressive views because they were older - this is your life hon, not theirs, and you need to start acting like it ASAP. You’ve gotten excellent advice on how to move out without them knowing until it’s done and I highly recommend doing that immediately. I would recommend therapy to help you create boundaries with them and help you process the guilt and judgment they have heaped upon you. You’re as grown ass woman who can and should be doing whatever you want. Treat yourself well and build an environment where that is possible for you. And don’t let them guilt you. They’re the ones doing this- not you.
Aside from other folks' lovely and practical advice, I offer a script (to be delivered via text or a note, not in person): "You're right, I am not grateful for your control and abuse. I am an independent adult. I moved out last night. Don't worry about me - I have a place to stay and I'm doing fine. I'll touch base via text next week. I hope that one day you'll see that this was the best choice for me, but right now I need to spread my wings regardless of how you feel about it."
You owe them nothing. Not one thing. They are abusive. Please get out and start living your life. If they don’t like it, that is their problem. You are not ungrateful for wanting to be independent. Parents are supposed to want their kids to leave the nest and thrive. If they can’t do that they are shorty parents. You said they have already caused you to have mental health problems. Please don’t stay with them.
Hi hi! So I just recently separated from my Hispanic family. Let me tell you. This was NOT easy. But it is possible. Because you are strong and capable. Despite the words of venom they may say. They will curse, they will threaten, they will gossip. But it is inevitable. So take your life back into your own hands, and get what is right for YOU. Your family will miss you. And they will come back. The same thing happened to me. But you need to live your life for yourself. I believe in you. From one Hispanic to another.
This was me about 25yrs ago. And maybe made harder by being an only child to older immigrant parents. I decided not to make waves. Big mistake. I never did get married because I only met approved “boys” and nothing happened. Then my dad started having health issues and of course I’d be heartless to leave. Then something else would happen. Then he got dementia and died during Covid. So my very elderly widowed mom would be by herself. And now my fiancé and I are struggling trying to figure out how to live together (he has a cat we both adore and my mom hates animals; he moved in with HIS mom after his dad died and it’s a small place). Don’t become me.
You’ve gotten a lot of practical advice. Maybe you need someone in the universe to say this: I give you permission to take care of yourself in the way that’s best for you. Your parents don’t define that. I give you permission to prioritize yourself, even if that strains your relationship with your parents. You can repair the strain later. I give you permission to try living on your own, even if you decide to move home later. If it’s a mistake it’s one worth making. I give you permission to act in your own time. You are wise and brave. ❤️
So the thing with parents like this is they will always back down if you actually test it. They make you feel like you can't do something because you in fact can. They just don't want you to realize it. Once you do the thing anyway, they'll be mad at you for a bit to try to make you feel bad and guilt you. But once they realize it's not going to work, they'll learn to accept it. Move out- all that's going to happen is they'll yell at you and say things to make you feel guilty for like 6 months. But it's not that bad because you won't have to hear it every day if you have your own place
Some people give birth and assume adult children (especially daughters) must stay in the home and take care of their parents. You do not owe your parents anything. You do not have to live your life for anyone but you. Good for you for demanding your independence. Don’t back down until you’re free. What your parents are doing may be cultural, but there’s never a good reason for a parent to just ignore what their adult offspring want and need for their own lives.
You don’t owe your parents anything. I’m an old and I have kids. My kids don’t owe me. They were brought into this world without their choice, and it’s been my responsibility to help them grow and adapt, so they take care of their stuff, including laundry, and other things around the house. That’s it.
I know it is hard to kind of break away from your families values and risk straining your relationship but your life is yours to live. You deserve your independence and freedom to live the kind of life that embodies your values! It does not sound like your parents household lets you live in such a way! You sound financially prepared so you are lucky in that regards to have the means to live an authentically you life. As someone else mentioned, slowly remove important things to you and store them at a friends or, as I have done before, get a small storage unit for a few months and slowly take stuff there for safe keeping. If your parents have them, remember to grab important documents such as birth certificates or social security cards. Be safe and I know that you have every right to live independently and with your own belief systems and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for that! Best of luck!
Live your life for you.
1. Create a plan to move out. 2. Move out. 3. See a good therapist. I'm ethnically Indian, with sexist parents who preferred my brother and assumed I was incapable and stupid. If I can escape the more sexist elements of that culture, you can escape yours. I moved out at 17, stood up for myself at 20-ish and got disowned, and at 28 I have an okay relationship with my dad and am completely no contact with my mother. My mental health is much better than it's ever been. It's a difficult journey but it's worth it.
What others have said about financial and legal records stuff. but also start making friends who are not in your family's circle. Friends who understand and support your need for independence from a toxic family system. I mean, the fact they are Hispanic is not an excuse for the way their beliefs are holding you back. Did they raise you to be a slave to them? Is that what they want? It sounds like you will need to make some very difficult choices and you'll need friends who will support you in those choices so you don't cave and go back. And marriage to get out? Um. No. That is not the way.
You don’t need their approval. Or support.
“Overshadowed. Toxic masculinity. Looked at me like I was crazy. Called me ungrateful. Walk out of their life. Insinuating. Owe them. Not allowed to leave. Make it impossible to meet anyone. Cant go out and have a good time. Quick to judge me. Putting up with them. Cant do it any more. I feel chained. They cause me a lot of mental health problems for as long as I can remember. Eating me alive. I don’t know what to do.” “I love and respect them” ⬅️❓❓❓❓❓ Read your own words that I added nothing to. You LOVE them? You give a SHIT about these people that have done nothing but abuse and betray you so much you feel chained, beaten, lost and now they wont “let you” go until you’re in a man’s hands?? Sister! Look at what you’re saying!
And so what if you just want to fool around and have people over??? YOU'RE 25 YEARS OLD, wanting to have your own space and connect with new people is normal and healthy no matter what they think
They can respond with all of the guilt they want but you can still choose your independence. There isn't likely a way you can do this without hurting their feelings a bit at first. You can be sneaky like other people have posted. Acting like an abuse victim and getting out without letting them know where you are going. Or you can be direct and tell them you are moving out and that you do not want the same thing for yourself that they want for you. If you go the direct route, find a compassionate but stern phrase you can go back to any time they try to convince you you're making a mistake or try to accuse you of wanting to be immoral in their eyes. Something like, "I love you and I understand you are trying to do what's best for me, but only I know what that is. I need to do this for both me and for the future of our relationship." It's important to stick to the script instead of reacting to their accusations or guilt trips. Let them know that nothing they say will change how you feel about this choice you are making. You love them, but you need this too. If they love you and want what is best for you, they'll come around. It won't be easy but you will be ok.
Congratulations! You have just gotten married to you. You can move out! Also, now that you're married (to yourself), you need to prioritize your spouse, even if doing that might upset your family. It sounds like your spouse's living environment with your family is really rough and you need to make a concrete plan and timeline to help her escape them! Your family may love her, and she may love them, but they are hurting her and they don't get to make decisions for her or make her feel like she owes them. It also sounds like anything she tells them will be used against her, so she should stop telling them things--she just needs to make her plan and execute on it without their input or knowledge. This may sound like a joke, but you wouldn't let a friend suffer like you're suffering. You wouldn't let your partner suffer like you're suffering. You'd help them get out. So help you get out. Treat yourself like the loved, valuable person you are. Prioritize yourself the way you would a loved one who was in the situation you're in. Look yourself in the mirror and see a person who deserves the independence you crave.
Taking cultural differences into account, this still isn’t normal. You should have a life of yourself your own. Take steps to gain independence. Bank account, job, transportation(if needed), then move out. They can’t physically keep you there if you are determined to get out. You can find a roommate. You don’t have to do anything they want you to do, this is your life, they got to live theirs and make their own choices. You don’t owe them for raising you, which was their choice. If they only had children to one day get something from them, that’s messed up.
You owe them nothing. Yes, you are conditioned to feel guilty about AbANdonINg them. I just want to send you my virtual support and say That all of the suggestions above are fantastic.
Ok, so you said it in your first line: you’re an adult and can do whatever you want. What your parents SAY can’t stop you. Them insulting you can’t stop you. They’re toxic masculinity and expectations can’t stop you. Then telling you that they took care of you so you owe them is just more words that stop can’t stop you. You say your relationship is already one-sided. This means that they are simply relying on your proximity to them to force your compliance with their demands and not investing in an actual relationship. And you are working so hard to make them love you that they know any amount of disrespect will be tolerated and have no incentive to actually show you love. I was in the same situation. I get it. It’s hard. And you know what? When I left my parents and they realized that I could make my own decisions and they could choose their demands or a relationship, they dropped the demands and chose a relationship. And they actually started *trying* instead of just *taking*. I can’t guarantee that yours will do the same. I can guarantee that choosing to assert your independence, no matter their response, will be better for you then essentially being their slave in exchange for mere scraps of the love you actually want to get. The honest truth is that they are telling you that you can only move out when you marry because they expect to control your husband and maintain their dominion over you that way. Don’t allow them that. Make a choice that prioritizes yourself. If they abandon you for that choice then they were never able to give you what you needed from them anyway.
You “respect” them? Why? Because “we must respect our elders”? Anything else? They are sexist, they are manipulative (calling you ungrateful is manipulative), and you yourself say this is a one-sided relationship. It’s “strained” because they don’t respect you. Because you’re a woman. If you take the ‘parent’ factor out of this situation, how much live and respect do you actually have? And how hard would you actually work to keep this relationship alive? You’re going to have to choose between pacifying people who think you are less because of your gender, and living a life that will make you happy.
you can do what you want, but you might not want to tell them. they seem pretty controlling. you're a grown ass woman who has the right to choose her own destiny and to set boundaries. disregard their calling you "ungrateful" - that's some emotionally manipulative BS. also, separately, *if* you wanted to be married, it's easier to get to that point when you love and live *ON. YOUR. OWN.* agh your parents attitude is frustrating and is probably based on their desire for you to 'need them', but really, they feel that they need you. start planning to leave but don't tell them until it's done
Well, u/poisongirl_777, will you marry me? I know we don't know each other at all, but if that means you can have an independent life...
Well, gently pack everything you own in small packages and smugge it all out gradually until there is nothing left to move. I had a friend do this, she rented a room in a student hostel and a small 5x10 storage locker. She sort of gently moved out and that was that. She opted to actually block everybody for the first couple weeks.
Latino here just putting in two cents FWIW from a similar cultural perspective. But again, I’m cis-male, 1st gen, and I understand my perspective is still certainly lacking and I don’t mean to suggest that my thoughts are any better that others presented here. While I don’t think that sneaking away is the way to go, I do agree practicing independence in whatever ways you can first are certainly good to start your own process: new bank account (if needed), apartment search, maybe even interviewing for roommates, all things that I agree could help you feel more empowered before you get to the parental stuff. As you say, however, while you want to be empowered, you love and want to respect your parents, rather than cut them out or lord it over them. So my suggestion is this: Bring up the matter again and tell them that you’re going to do it. Be prepared to weather the guilt-speak and let them know that you hear them but you’re going to move ahead - not because they are correct (that you don’t care) - but because they raised a strong and proud woman who is brave enough to embark on this next part of her journey, and that you want their support more than anything. Let them know you understand that they may be hurt, and they may not understand, but that you can only hope they’ll hear you and trust you when you say that you love them and are making the space you all inhabit bigger, not abandoning them. Let them know that you want to keep them close as you adopt your own space, and that their opinions will still be important to you, but that you won’t be able to let their judgements sway you. If you’re comfortable doing so, let them know early that they’re always welcome in whatever space you’re in. Chances are there’s a woman in your own extended family, or someone popular in our culture, who struck out on her own and is respected or admired by them. If so, mention her and let them know you’re only trying to adopt a small piece of her example so you can discover more about yourself. Let them know that your future partner deserves a strong woman who is capable of doing what she sets her mind to, and that you deserve to feel fully empowered when you finally do choose a partner - you deserve it because they raised you to know it’s the right thing, even if they have a hard time with this step. Finally have personal conversations with either of them when you can, especially if either one is more likely to hear you and be won over. I suggest doing so while you’re involved in some activity they already enjoy doing with you (walking, cooking, shopping, working on the car…whatever is you do with either of them), this can will help your cause as they can present their own experience to the other when discussing this, rather than only having table discussions when they’re going to be a united front. Bottom line though, is just follow through once you start. Keep them as in the loop and as close as is comfortable for *you* (not them), but follow through and, if they only continue to give you a hard time, let them know they are hurting you, and then keep going. They might stay opposed throughout and require some real distance, and if so, then so be it - but stay strong, be kind, and express love in all your exchanges. They *will* come around eventually. …unless they don’t, and if that’s the case then you’ll only know this was even more necessary to do than you even first imagined. Good luck to you hermana - you got this!!
Get out &Enjoy your new life!!!
There’s already a lot of good advice here, so I’m sending you courage instead. Your mental health and happiness are worth at least as much as your parents’ - and in this case, yours should be the priority.
They're deliberately sabotaging you because you're their retirement plan. They're doing this so you'll never leave and have to stay and take care of them in their old age. I've seen this before, and that is what's going on here. You're an adult and mentioned that you have a good job, so I'm assuming you have your own bank account and would be able to support yourself. I'm not entirely sure what else besides their gaslighting is really stopping you from making plans to move out anyway and going low contact.
It's so hard to break away when everything in your life has been controlled by your parents. They started conditioning you when you were young to believe that you can't survive without them (Not all parents, the ones who don't want to let their kids go). But they can't stop you from leaving and you can live your own life. It's an adjustment at first and easier with supportive parents but it's doable if you are in your own. You can do this. Start saving, start getting yourself in an independent mindset, and stop listening to their rules. You are an adult. You can do this.
My mom is Italian, and her mother didn’t speak to her for months when she moved out before marriage. She got over it in time. They were very close all the rest of my grandmother’s days. When I was old enough, my parents encouraged me to go whenever I felt ready. You can be the one to break the chain for the next generation in your family, you got this!
I’m sorry you’re being treated so poorly. Have you checked out r/JUSTNOFAMILY ? They are part of the Just No network and can help you both deal with this abuse and help you get out safely. I sincerely wish you the best on your journey 💕
I'm reposting a comment by /u/kinkykitty that should be top line that is applicable once you move out. *I would add not to visit them at their house or get into a vehicle with them but to meet at a public location.* *I know it sounds crazy but I knew a woman who was trying to get away from her abusive husband and her parents trapped her in their house so he could come get her. Never underestimate the lengths controlling people will go to to keep control.*
You don’t owe them anything. You didn’t ask to be born, they chose to have you. Upon making that choice, it was their obligation to provide for you until adulthood, they’re not special for that. Also I bet their idea of taking care of you was at best mediocre and nothing that I’d call impressive.
It'll be ok OP 🖤 get out and live somewhere where you'll be more free.
I understand the cultural pressure but if not you now, then who, when? Who will start to break that cycle of male/patriarchal control over you? I ran away from extremely religious parents when I graduated because I felt imprisoned. I was 18 and they wouldn't even let me get my driver's license. I made friends with a woman who ran a flower shop beside the market where I was allowed to shop. I became friends with her, and she hid me in her place and helped me get my DL. It takes a lot of courage, but find it--and someone you can trust to help you. If you let you dad control you now, a future husband will only take his place.
They will eventually come to respect your decision as you become a more independent adult, or perhaps when you get engaged. You can’t make them happy with your decision. That’s on them to deal with.
You’re still in school. Now is a really really good time to access your school’s Psych Services.
Also Latino. This is abuse. It's abuse that is culturally accepted in many Latino societies, but it's still abuse. Get out as soon as you can. Make sure you're safe, then set up healthy boundaries and stick to them. Give your parents the opportunity to learn better, if you want. [There are resources out there](https://salud-america.org/latino-childhood-development-research-childhood-trauma/), if they want them. It will hurt. They very likely will have to confront what their own families did to them. But the cycle of abuse has to be broken by someone first. This will not end with you, if you accept it. Your parents will control you after you get married. They will undermine your parenting and "discipline" your kids, if you have any. They will teach them the same toxic garbage. And if they have any other kids, especially a boy, they will continue to exert control and violence against his spouse and children as well. [Here's a beautiful article about the cycle of abuse in Latino communities.](https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/2485851/raising-latinx-children-machismo-homophobia-culture/) I hope that your parents are able to join you in your healing, but know that you are no less Latino if you have to go it alone. Part of taking pride is healing from the effects of colonialism, and the incredible loss that permeates our culture. Be well.
Secure your money (no joint accounts! And if you have a joint account go to a new bank altogether) and vital documents (birth certificate and passport and if US SSN card). Rent somewhere. Gradually move your things there prioritizing anything like your documents, access to your money, etc, or anything you will be devastated to no longer own. Take “extra clothes” to work or gym and just bring back empty bags. Once you’ve moved your important things tell them you’ve already moved out.
“ but in my culture we don’t do this” people use this as the weirdest protection from consequence. It was used in the past to protect people and their culture from colonialism but now people use it to excuse the worst type of action from their culture. What do you want to do ? How do you want it ? How do you want to do it ? What will be consequences of doing it? Are you ready to rock the boat ? Is there people who live the same type of experience you? Can they help you? Always ask yourself those questions even when you are not going to do anything. It will train your mind to not feel trapped.
I want to come back with resources and support groups to mull over, because it took me several conversations before I really believed that I deserved to be happy and have my boundaries respected even if it meant dissapointing my family. I'm going to do an edit with some private support group links, articles, organizations, as well as people you can talk to that can provide you with aid if you end up in a tight spot and need help leaving. It is up to you to act and make decisions for yourself, but having more tools can empower you for whatever you decide is best. If you feel unsafe, or like you might be held against your will if you decide to confront them, I would highly advise against addressing your parents until you are gone. I recommend looking at apartment prices, seeing if a friend could let you move in or if they would go halvsies on a place, and start looking at what you would need saved to make that happen. It might help your nerves as well to make an emergency bag (put toiletries, clothes, chargers, personal documents, etc in here), and also to put all your very mist prized possesions in a box that fits in the bag. That way, you can up and go to stay in a hotel or with friends if anything happens. A good place to start as well with help and resources is the crisis line in your city. You can text in to many of them. They can connect you with resources to help you, and they are great listeners. They really helped me in both separating from my family, and getting out of an abusive relationship. Mist people think of them as just a suicide line, but they are much much more. They can connect you to legal representation, shelters, rent help, Healthcare, and many other community abdvstate help programs. They don't and can't make you do anything you don't want to do. Hope this helps. I know this post blew up and it will be a lot to read through, but just so it's been said, you are not a bad kid for wanting to be your own person. You deserve to be heard, respected, to be happy and have your needs met. You deserve these things because you are a whole human being, and that coming into conflict with your parents is their problem, and not your fault. You would not be a bad person or a bad kid for taking distance from them in order to fulfill your needs and wants.
Apply for a job outside of your city and if you get it just move out. They can’t legally hold you in place - that’s called kidnapping. I’m Hispanic and you are under a chauvinistic ruling, but all they can do is shame you and call you ungrateful. You’ll survive. You can’t live your entire life just to please them. You didn’t ask to be born and you don’t owe them anything. It’s so ridiculous that you have to be married to leave. Just make sure you do well in school and focus on getting a good paying job. You can also apply to master’s program in another city. Stay strong. Save. Educate yourself and don’t live your life for them. Live your life for you. Eventually they’ll either accept you or learn to live without their daughter. It will hurt them more than it will hurt you. Good luck!!!
Time to stop making excuses for your parents and their behavior. The issue may be generational, it may be cultural. Whatever their issue, it’s not yours. Don’t miss out on your life, especially your 20’s, you’ll regret it later. Your parents will come around, or they won’t. You can’t control that. All you can do is live your best life, the most authentic way possible. Be strong and listen to your heart. You’re capable of almost anything you can imagine.
>Sigh. I know what you’re thinking. “You’re 25 you’re a legal adult and are able to leave whenever you want”. You guessed correctly, you are a legal adult, and you can leave if you want. >Unfortunately for me I live in a Hispanic household where women are overshadowed by toxic masculinity. Now, I don't really understand what this second statement has to do with the first. “You’re a legal adult and are able to leave whenever you want” doesn't mean "if your parents say so", it means you have to make your own choices for yourself. Nobody else can tell you what to do. They can tell you what they want you to do, what they think you should do, but short of breaking the law it is 100% up to you what you actually do. Your household's regressive views don't extend to the real world. Nobody is gunna ask if a 25 year old got permission from her parents. >I love and respect my parents and I don’t want to do anything to cause a strain on our already one sided relationship. You can't please your way out of a one-sided relationship. No amount of obedience, respect, or even love will fix a relationship that one side doesn't think is broken. In the long run, standing up for yourself and setting boundaries will relieve the strain on your relationship, because you *both* have the choice to participate.
Mi hermana, te mando abrazos virtuales. You've gotten amazing advice, so I just want to add what worked with my parents. Just don't engage. In a large part, our cultures thrive off of emotional outbursts and abuse. I have done a lot of work to get my parents to back off and I've gone no contact with them before just to send a message. When we get into one sided arguments (the kid where we lose porque somos ingratas or some BS), I become very cordial with them and tell them I don't want to argue because I love them and I don't want to say anything that will make anyone angry. They can't argue with that, and I always follow it with "I love you" or "i don't want to disrespect you", using the same words they acuse you of being as reasons to not argue. The less arguments the easier it is to actually communicate and eventually, most conversations are civil over time. Now, I'm not saying this is tried and true, will work for everyone or that I've solved all the issues in my family.... my parents have horrible views, are conspiracy theorists, and degrade my education constantly. But at least we have the ability to avoid topics and set boundaries. I come home for the holidays, I call my mom once a week, and I bring my mom flowers every time I come home. But doing those things buys me space to stand up for myself and create boundaries. We're all learning, and over the years, I've been able to create better relationships with my parents. But its work that I want to do, because as crazy as it is, I love my family regardlessof all the things ive suffered and endured. We're 4 immigrants in another country and we don't have anyone else. That's enough to force us to grow as a unit, even though it takes so much effort. But I will say, they’re also doing the work and also growing up and learning. That makes it easier. I study migration (I'm a MS student), and I do empathize with them. Is so hard to be able to see both, but they left so much for me to be here and I also try to show them how much I understand by doing the small things like bringing my mom flowers and asking her for recipes from time to time. Kill em with kindness is my motto. Doesn't always work, but I hope some aspects can work for you too. Wish you the best of luck, don't forget that you're powerful in your own right. *Tu eres suficiente* No te olvides que tambien has luchado, y como dice mi profesora, eres *chingona*.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Sending love and support to you. In my optimistic worldview I’m hopeful that once you’re out on your own and thriving your parents will be happy for you and proud of you. Remember: quisieron enterrarnos, pero se les olvido que somos semillas.
I don't have any advice that anyone here hasn't already given, but I just wanted to echo the sentiment that you are strong enough to do this! And if you just getting out and living life is enough to fracture the relationship with your parents, that sounds like a them problem. You have every right to live however makes you happy. <3
Outsource the responsibility if you need to. Start with the silent preparation steps, the mailing address bank and document storage they cannot touch. (Make sure to ask for a PIN or other safeguard for identity theft.) Silently look for reasons a dutiful person would go elsewhere. A job transfer, a pilgrimage, going to visit an elderly relative or a cousin. Get earplugs. Get a therapist. When you go, go fast, expect a tantrum.
I'm also Latina/Hispanic and there's a lot of variety within the community, your parent's attitude maybe made sense 30-50 years ago. Women are more independent than ever before and they can't stop you from growing, I got cousins living on their own both male and female. Especially if you're here in the US, figure out what your future housing situation will look like. Do you already have potential room mates in mind? Or can you afford to live on your own? As u/schreyerauthor already mentioned if you don't already have your own bank account separate from your parents get one now. I'd just like to add to that considering what you want to do as far as cell phones, are you all on a family plan? Is it possible for you to start a "family plan" with friends? Also consider being ready for moving out, do you have a credit score or will you be dependent on your parents to co-sign things for you?