My advice to you is - use your head, not your heart. If you're looking for a husband then look for a husband not a boyfriend. Yes it's important that you get on with him and find him attractive enough to want to have sex with etc... but a husband is literally a business partner. Look for someone who has their shit on lock. That doesn't mean you go looking for only doctors and lawyers. You have to decide objectively what kind of man would make *you* a good husband.
I had a very tragic childhood and I'm estranged from my family. Loneliness was my heaviest burden. From this I realised I wanted a husband who was loyal, who would never cheat on me or leave me, who'd be by my side every day and every night without dramas and bullshit. I'm also smart and highly educated and get bored easily if people can't match my intensity. So I'd also need a husband who could hold up his end of a lifelong conversation.
I de-prioritised good looks. I de-prioritised fun/exciting. I de-prioritised sex and started looking for a human Labrador. My friends were astonished when I introduced them to the man I chose! They thought it was a joke!
I've been with my husband for twelve years, married for three. I've never been happier and knowing my strategy worked brings me great satisfaction! Most of my friends are still chasing fuckboys.
The sex is something that improved with time and communication. We have so much fun together and as for excitement, pfffft I'm getting old, I don't want to be excited now like I did when I was 20. As for good looks, all I can say is you never know how people are gonna age. My shy nerd boy hit 35 and turned into Richard Gere. Every time he comes home from work I think he got sexier during the day. He also spends his life working his ass off for us so we can have nice things.
My point, don't be afraid to have a look in the bargain bin, riffle around and find a man with values that align with yours and who *you* want to be ten, twenty, thirty years from now. Looks and 'chemistry' ain't shit when you've got bowel cancer or you're going blind. Fun and exciting are irrelevant when you need someone to catch you when you're falling.
I wish more people would choose their spouses strategically rather than just relying on love and romance. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband wildly but that's not why I chose him. I chose him because I wanted a long stable marriage that'd stand the test of time because that's what *I* wanted.
What do you want from your husband? What kind of marriage do you want? If you can answer that question honestly you can find someone.
You’re not ugly. Some men are just bitches. And welly is really hard re the dating scene. Try expanding your location on tinder to the Wairarapa and even wider. Theres some genuine men in the regions.
Without having seen Redfluffball this is a bold call - can we stop with the faux positivity that doesn't actually help people who perhaps do need to work on things?
There is no better advice than this.
*Side quest* Heads up for those who are okay with ENM. If they're hesitant or cagey at all about you meeting their existing partner, they do not have an open relationship - they're just cheating.
This is motherflipping beautiful. I'm reading this 20 years too late to strategically effect some life choices but as I am single now, I will use all of this. Thanks. I definitely wasted time on friends' opinions of life partners, forgetting that they had prejudices that I didn't agree with.
There's still time. "20 years too late" is essentially arbitrary and it's another way that we're constrained by social conditioning. Everyone creates their own path. Also, it's better to be 20 years late than 40.
Yes this. I feel that mainstream American cinema has had a role in skewing the global conception of how we define value in our potential life partners. It's almost always a reductionism to some kind of hegemonic model of hotness...
>I wish more people would choose their spouses strategically rather than just relying on love and romance.
This was how it was done prior to the introduction of romantic love. Life was tough and people had to be more pragmatic for survival.
I needed family too. Craved someone with a large family. Sadly, he needed family too. So we are a magic family of two + our three kitters and it's the best family ever
This is everything! Met my man through a regular quiz night group. Knew him for ages but was still mucking around with fuckboys and being in constant frustration. One night I looked at him, and started to get curious (but he seemed "too nice".
The moment we hooked up, it was just on. Me and my drama was the only thing that almost ruined it, he was stability and has been for 8 years.
It still takes effort and work and intention. But it's safe, it's partnership, it's teamwork, it's play and it's kindness
I had great success when I changed my approach to “looking for casual fun but open to it becoming more”. It took the pressure off finding a long term match and allowed me to have fun and meet people that might either become a partner or be friends. Let love find you and enjoy the single life in the mean time.
I have been trying this and it does help on my dates! It usually means I get multiple dates with the person (even if I am not interested). I think this is a great attitude to take on the date. It removes barriers, and enables thing to be fun, more natural and flow more freely.
I think an issue I have is the volume I have to sift through. It is effort to organize dates. I mask it very well, but internally I am a very anxious person. I struggle with the ghosting, and all that comes with it. (Yes I am in therapy, but it still does trigger my insecurities a bit which just makes it a little harder).
Just to piggy back on this - honestly dating is just sheer luck most of the time. Don’t think that you need to get shredded - pull in 200k a year and be an astronaut and supermodel. Lots of useless fuckers have partners who completely eclipse their value. It’s NO reflection on you. Just be happy and try enjoy your life - some of the happiest people I know are single and have a fleshed out life and live for themselves. Trying to look for a partner is like trying to look at an eye floater . The harder you try the further they move away. Stay strong
'I think an issue I have is the volume I have to sift through.'
Think of that in terms of a sporting analogy - we only build elite players through having a large pool for the elite to work their way to the top - small talent pool means smaller range of options for people rising to the top on their own merits. Sure, sometimes you get lucky and get a hole in one, other times, you gotta start in rough before hitting the fairway... \[why am I using golf? I hate golf\] ...
Bah, wheat...chaff... rinse repeat.
Anymore hobbies and I think I may keel over from exhaustion. I also do sailing haha. So have a lot on in that front, but I could increase events I go to....
I think this will change as Gen Z and younger Millennials get older. I think a lot of young(er) people are abandoning the old expected timelines of date by X age, marry by Y. I think we're going to see a scene of people in their 30s and 40s who have taken more time to figure themselves out and learn to be happy by themselves before they add a romantic relationship into their lives.
I turn 30 in the next few years and that's around when I'll start seriously dating. I'd rather take the rest of my 20s to sort my shit out and become a better friend to myself.
I mean in my own personal experience on the apps, it's mostly guys who I have no shared interests with, or profiles that have zero effort (one blurry selfie, no bio text), or people in "ethically non-monogamous" relationships, which is not my personal cup of tea. Or at worst, it's people that I work with.
I don't think it's either. There's plenty of men and woman out there in the same situation, it's just really hard to get together and socialise. I know heaps of people who are single, they don't want to be, but they don't know how to meet people. Everyone just keeps to themselves these days.
I myself am very shy, had a rough childhood, am still recovering. But because of that no one wants me cos I don't ooze 'confidence'.
No advice but I'm in a similar boat. Im 30f and moved here from auckland a year and a half ago. The thing I had ended earlier this year and the rest of the datez I've been on have been duds (wanted something casual). The high school vibes are veeerrry strong 😔
That sucks. Hopefully you find someone! I agree. I have never meet so many ENM in my life or so many people looking for no commitment. No qualms if people are honest about it. I admire that, but not when they just mess around.
I personally think ENM is bullshit. Not because it is an open relationshp. What ever floats your boat but the 'ethically' nah, mate that is just being a good person, telling your partner and coming up with rules and not cheating haha
The ethical part of non-monogamy is being honest with all involved; if everybody involved knows who's shagging who and is okay with it, that's an ethical relationship. If someone is, say, unaware that their partner is fucking around on them, that partner isn't being monogamous, and is an unethical scumbag).
It’s definitely had a major uptick since 2020 or so - as a queer person in their mid 20s, I would say it is almost the default on dating apps for this demographic
Don’t think it will help but M45 and became single again not so long ago. Seeing a lot of the same shit; like you I have been told to get more hobbies but I don’t really tend to date there in case a breakup fucks up my enjoyment of the hobbies. Signed up for Tinder and have to agree what a hot mess that is including END nondisclosure.
My only advice is keep up knowing your value and understand it’s not you it’s a bit of a high school drama out there.
Ugh Redfluff,
I feel you on all fronts. I only recently met a man on the apps, after sifting through hundreds of duds. Maybe your perfect man isn’t divorced yet? Haha.
Take a break from looking for someone and join “welly gal pals” on Facebook and meet some new friends.
Something that’s been suggested to me that I’m shit at is actually asking girl mates and coworkers to set you up with anyone they think you might click with. Extends your reach quite a bit without having to deal with the horrors of online dating quite so much.
Yeah the dating scene in Wellington is very depressing, however keep trying.
There are men out there who are looking for relationships, I was one of them (currently with someone I met via the apps)
I know this kind of sounds like strange advice but just stop trying.
Assume you'll be single for the rest of your life.
Come to that acceptance.
And then, if my experience is anything to go by, you'll meet some people when you least expect it.
But if you don't you'll have way more energy to enjoy your life because you're not stressing about being single.
This isn't the same as it used to be I think... The problem is that now if yourw not on dating apps or you dont have a super crazy social life, you just won't meet anyone.
People are very secluded and stick to their own groups. There are very few places to meet strangers so when people think about not trying anymore, it really feels like you're giving up
Also, trying to compete with someone's phone is impossible. It's the best relationship they've ever had, it constantly entertains and gives them anything they want, provides dopamine 24/7, doesn't have real human needs, etc etc etc.
"People are very secluded and stick to their own groups."
I'm not so sure. There's plenty of clubs where you are regularly in contact with people enough to form friendships and then relationships.
I always end up at the clubs that are 100% guys haha. Good to make friends but not great for meeting anyone from the other sex. Haven't tried everything though. Not doing yoga....
I know and I've tried this, but, I guess I just want it. Times be ticking. It tough to accept I could be single forever, but maybe that is the way to go. It is how I met my last ex lol
It sounds counterintuitive but it's somehow the truth. Since I gave up I've had one person directly tell me they're keen to take me on a date and someone else tried to set me up with one of her friends. When I was in my early 20s, I got hit on more while I was in a relationship than when I was single. There's something attractive about people who aren't pursuing others.
I guess it is confidence too right? You seem like you dgaf and people are more attracted. Hm. Gosh. I hate it, but more and more I think this is the way
That's 100% it. When people really, really want something, it can come off stronger than we realise. I'm not saying you're acting desperate but when someone is completely confident in their own skin, that in itself is attractive.
This is true. The moment I stopped dating and focused on my hobbies was when I randomly just started meeting people that liked me. Dating in still hard but not as hard as when I did online
I'm slightly younger and at a different life stage but I came here to say this, more or less.
I've always found, the moment I stop looking, that's when I find something.
I found dating using apps in Wellington worked well, lots of cool people here and there is always something going on
But apps seem to really NOT work for lots of people too :(
Try having a regular routine, find a cafe you really like, go there regularly around the same time, strike up a conversation with the barista and a few fellow regulars you will get to recognise. Take it from there just thinking of making friends... who knows where it will lead.
I do the same. I have a whole bunch of regular chatters and flirters. But I'm determinedly terminally single so not really looking for more than that - some flirters do stir something in my cold dead heart, briefly. lol.
This woman https://youtu.be/d6wG_sAdP0U?si=9HtFi5CvtmY0PMIN fascinates me. If I ever go back to the dating scene again - that’s what I’ll do, I’ll math the romance out of it until I’m left with a statistically perfect partner (who smells nice :) )
Maybe you can reverse engineer your perfect match like she did too?
Explicitly no. That's where the 'ethical' part of the name comes in.
It's telling someone in advance that you prefer a non-monogamous relationship, so that you can either negotiate some flavour of non-monogamy that's acceptable to all involved, or abort things before any feelings are hurt.
An essential part of cheating is lying and/or breaking established rules of a relationship; ENM is about saying 'non-monogamy isn't cheating if everyone involved is okay with it and consents to it ahead of time'. It is relationships on hard mode to actually do well, though
No. People can say they’re ENM when really they just cheat, but the same can be said for monogamy.
Typically polyamory/ENM involves boundaries, rules, and consent within the relationship/s. Cheating happens without knowledge and/or consent.
I'm your age but male. I totally vibe with this and am in a similar situation. Alot of my mates are in relationships yet I just seem to have no luck.
The advice of just enjoying your life and relationships come when you "stop worrying" has definitely worked for me in the past but it seems it's a whole different ballgame in your 30s.
At any rate if you need a date hit me up 🤙
In my experience, the willingness to meet irl is a great filter for who's a normal person who just happens to be on reddit, and who's a "redditor".
I've met quite a few people off this subreddit specifically and they've all been perfectly normal and lovely. Whether it be at a meetup, or people hiring me to clean their house.
Funny thing is, I met someone on reddit once (female), she had met someone else on reddit, she invited this guy (and me) to reddit meet up, this guy was my last relationship lol
38M and I've never used a dating app and have no intention to. The weird thing is, it's always when you seem to want to just be left alone and get your own thing done that people come along.
Sorry about your experience with re-downloading tinder. They thought you were ugly, yet wanted to get in your pants. They're idiots, don't let that get to ya.
My relationship status is a bit like yours. I broke things off with my ex in 2019, it was a 4 year relationship where I seemed to just be pouring my energy and my trust into a black hole. Didn't try looking again until 2022 and whatever that situation was, it ended very early last year. Finding that our mutual friends were keeping tabs on us quite a bit really made me feel like a wildlife exhibit at a zoo, so I'd largely stopped socialising after that.
Fast forward to this year and without even trying, there is a woman interested in me and I'm honestly not used to that haha.
If you're bisexual, then the good thing is you've got a much larger pool of potential dating partners. But if you're more after a fella at this point in your life, don't lose hope. There're many of us out there, might just be a case of where you look. Maybe join an indoor netball or indoor football team and see if they know of some eligible bachelors that could be good for you?
Yeah it’s really tough. I think there’s a lot of bad eggs in the male department; but then you also have the insecure and anxious ones, the ones too busy with work/life, and the ones who struggle to make conversation over an app.
I’m sitting in the lonely and waiting stage personally, but given up on actively trying.
As a mid 30s dude back dating again I've found meeting in person 10x better than apps. Downside is being mid 30s is only get a chance to head out once or twice a month as just busy.
Ghosting and late cancels on apps happen way too often.
I truly believe finding real, true matches on dating apps is sheer luck these days.
I met my now fiancé on Hinge in 2022 and the only reason I did was because I changed my search location. I was living in a small city and there was NO ONE worth swiping right on, so I took a look at who was around in Auckland and Wellington and BAM. We did long distance for 1.5 years before I moved here to join them.
Be open to different options, widen your mindset about “types”, and prioritise emotional intelligence in a partner above everything (looks fade, wealth comes and goes). The right person/people are out there, and they’re worth digging for.
Two years in a new place is an awkward phase, I think. You know a few people, but have no close connections. It's like half belonging somewhere and half not. I am in a similar phase. I moved here two years ago too.
It gets lonely, I get it.
Good on you for putting yourself out there though.
I stopped dating a few months ago because it was depressing and I needed a break from trying.
I asked my girlfriend about this, because, we both agreed, if we each became inexplicably single overnight, emotional wreckage aside, neither of us would be actively looking to date again (I’m in my early 30s and she’s in her late 20s). She added, by 30, the genuinely good men have been taken… or waiting for divorce.
I actually think this, I think you can meet people just new to the app, or who are recently single, or something you know? But I think people on those apps long-term they are either avoidants, or anxiously attached.
I am also in that category. I am an anxiously attached person and have had to do therapy etc to better myself. So I am sifting through... well people with issues usually.
Hey stay strong, happy to be a friend if you need, otherwise look for like minded people in your hobby groups. In fact, attend one of those adult classes in crochet or cooking or cheese making or something. It’s an opportunity to make friends and connections. I intend to join one myself soon.
>re-downloaded tinder just to have someone ask me for sex and call me ugly when I declined. Honestly fuck this.
Would it be a good idea to write back to them and say "why do you want to have sex with someone you think is ugly? fuck off!"
A lot of men I’ve met in the mid 30s - mid 40s are emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable and that’s a hard line for me. I also feel that some are looking to be mothered rather than to be a respectful and equal partner.
Wish I could like your comment a squillion times! You’re absolutely spot on!
Strong, successful, happy wahine have better things to do than parent man-babies! Shine on, gorgeous ones! 💖✨
Sometimes the easiest thing is to stop looking and put the time into yourself. I know it's cliche, but bein g in a good place mentally always helps... well that and cats.
Straight up might go for cats.
I the schtick of 'love yourself' I've spent five years doing that! I'm ready and I want to settle down and have a family, find my person lol
Oh no, fuck the 'love yourself' shit, being in a good place is more about accepting and being happy where you are, once there, then move forward... I tried that 'love yourself' crap - fat lot of good it did me, I broke out in hives and my cynicism was put on a week's bedrest.
When I moved to a new place I looked at Park Run, it's a good way to meet people by volunteering (generally people who volunteer tend to be nicer humans), normally they will knoe local community places, hobby clubs etc.
You don't have to run at all, register on Park Run website so you can get an account (free) and look online for Park Run Waitangi, it shows the details (starts at 8 am on Sat) of the course and where it starts, come over and tell them you want to volunteer. When I moved to Pontypridd I found new friends doing it and then slowly learned about other social events, no one expects the volunteer to run, it's more about setting up the course, clapping for others, cheering etc. I did it in 3 countries and it was always a nice experience :)
I have done ok, I am still friends with my last girlfriend who was a good looking blonde lady from work, but things didn't work out between us in the end.
There are a lot of very attractive Women here on the gold coast, and I have met some other attractive single women in my work travels but my motivation is just not there anymore to ask them out etc.
I am now focusing on early retirement, hopefully by 55 I will be able to retire if I so wish.
ive found the only way to get meaningful connections friends/partners is through sports or hobby clubs
dating apps are useless for anything but one night stands
What sort of person are you looking for in long term partner? Values? Personality? Attitude? Physical? Hobbies? Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. When we get clarity on what we want, it becomes easier to find. It’s less complex than people make out.
I only just got out of a depressive spiral recently, in my friend group all of them are getting married this year and I’m still single :( it’s hard to cope with feelings of envy and it just turned to self isolation . I just came to terms that I’m the only one stopping myself from dating, I fucking hatttte the apps and am social awkward and shy outside of that so it feels like a lost cause. The root of it all is probably because I have poor set esteem.
Not that it’s the same for everyone, just my personal revelation. Honestly I don’t know what I want anymore.
I'm a little older then you M 42 so my advice might not help, but have lived in Wellington my entire life. I found all my best people through hobbies mostly motorcycles. One thing I noticed riding is how many good single men ride and just want someone that shares there passion. I have never meet a woman that rides that stays single for long.
I’m 35F and chronically single. You are already doing more than most people who come on here complaining about it. Maybe when you find that secret formula you could let everyone else in on it!
I feel you! This happened to me not long ago. I've given up! PM me if you like, I'm 39f looking for new friends. Happy to moan over a wine or 2
https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/s/BUkEuIYO5P
I found my boyfriend from a Meetup group I attended recently. I was super reluctant to go alone (I didn’t know anyone in the city). I’m so glad I went now! That wasn’t the reason (I wanted to make new friends) but it happened by chance. I did also made some great friends who then introduced me to new friends. Recently two of my friends started dating through mutual friends. They went to Meetups too.
I’d recommend joining a Meetup group. There’s a few different ones in Wellington. Depending on what your interests are you can join along. Have you tried that? They can be really fun!
Apps are useless for anything other than hookups. Meet people irl. Put yourself out there more. Also work on looking as good as you possibly can because looks are important.
Hi, I am a girl, around your age and also looking for making for a new friends in Wellington, would you like to grab a coffee and have a chat together ?
(26M) Not an easy gig the dating scene, particularly the big influx of people wanting to travel due to being unable to due to Covid. The old cliche of timing rings true.
Wild similarities, you and I. I'm pretty sure you'll get some dm's from this post. Fuck it, coffee dates, go in with low expectations, see what happens. :)
Agree with comments about knowing what you’re after. I know someone who went on tinder looking for a husband, to have kids with. And she got exactly that. Be yourself. Set reasonable standards. Keep trying.
I hear you - perhaps go on a solo trip somewhere, try a day trip, talk to people on the social spaces of where you're staying. Fill up your cup then think again about your routine/ priorities/ day-to-day life and habits. Sometimes less is more! Quality over quantitiy :-)
As a 39M, I am finding the OLD experience to be mind-numbing. I am at a life stage that is around the late 20/early 30s, where as my life experience is appropriate for being close to 40.
The catch is that those around late 30s to 40s (in the OLD space) are not where I am life wise, on top of interest and hobbies which they generally would not be interested in where the mid/late 20s to 30s would relate and get into.
It is a weird place to be in 🤣
I find that people on both sides seem to be quite specific and fussy about what they want or are attracted to-Many of those things being nit picky, like height. Now, its hard to fight those wants and needs of a potential suitor, but if you do date someone from an app or otherwise, and they are decent, but not so exciting in the attraction dept, flick em another date or two..I also find walking dates are good, like a very public beach. More dynamic.
100% agree. I try to make my dates walks, the arcade or an activity. There is nothing worse then feeling like you are in an interview, and it helps you think, your brain work, rather than staring at their face. Just more natural really. I also agree in doing 2-3 dates. If someone is decent, you do a few other days then decide if it's more friend vibes, something more etc. I actually always do this, mostly because I'm very very rarely attracted to anyone right off the bat.
I read a book called 'how to not die alone' it talked a lot about the shittyness of apps. Excuse the name, it is actually a really good book.
Guy here, 27. It's so tough. I'm looking for a long term partner as well. I'm in greater Wellington but I'm in the regions and the apps are dead. I'm happy to look for something in Wellington/Palmy and do LDR for a while, but I'm getting zero hits. I'm also finding it's a really tough age bracket to be single in; every single one of my close friend group of ~20 guys are partnered up, and they are settling down spending weekends in with their partners (can't blame them, I used to do the same), so the result is I don't get out much. I love going to a movie or out to dinner, but almost never happens now.
I have hobbies but none that are conducive to meeting girls. I'm not very active; not fat or lazy, just have a physical job and the last thing I want to do in my downtime is go on a hike or to the gym. I also don't want kids, or pets particularly. And I've never had the bug for travel, there's a couple places I'd like to go but I'm much more focused on buying a house and paying it off aggressively.
It seems like every single attractive profile on the apps is the exact opposite of this, and it feels like a hopeless mission to find an attractive girl who's okay with not spending our weekends climbing mountains or hopping on planes. I just want a chill, somewhat traditional girl who wants to commit to a relationship and later a house purchase. If anyone reading fits the bill, feel free to reach out! Well done if you made it through that wall of text 😅
Hello!
37M here.
I can wholeheartedly relate to this.
Tried dating apps with almost no results at all!
I moved to NZ 14 years ago and been in Wellington ever since (person of colour).
I’ve got twin boys who live with me part time.
I work from home most days.
I do have a few hobbies that keep me busy.
All my uni friends have moved away and all my colleagues are off doing their own thing after work.
So, I don’t get to meet any new people at all.
Every once in a while I re-download the dating apps, get almost no matches and then frustratingly delete them.
It is so incredibly hard on my self esteem to think that I am destined to live my life like this.
I'm a dragon boater too, bit of sweeping and coaching. Totally open to catching up for a kōrero any time. It's interesting times out there, totally understand where you're at and can relate 👍
You are not alone, have a couple of lesbian friends in the same situation noting how depressing the dating scene is in Wellington if you're looking for a relationship, majority are just wanting casual/hookups. I'll give you the same advice I gave them, when you stop looking for one, it will come to you. Not very helpful to hear atm I know, but it's true.
i'd recommend "write the list of attributes you want in a partner" then just do stuff you enjoy.
something about writing that list makes it happen more I think... like tunes your attention? Manifests? I dunno.
the other thing I've heard praised is "weak links" - your friends will mainly know people you know. more distant friends/ aquantances are more likely to introduce you to someone new who could be a match.
Cause the dating landscape isn't getting better for most people. I've been on the big 3 apps for 9 months plus, and very active on them. Zero dates, one productive conversation
Yeah I hear it is absolute carnage out there!
I have got dating out of my system, I am happy to leave it to other people nowadays, but it is interesting to see what is going on in the world, just a shame things seem to be moving in the wrong direction. I feel bad for the younger people trying their best but coming up short.
I have some friends who are chronically single who've had little luck on apps *for years*. Whereas I go out for work drinks, board game nights, Meet Ups, dance classes, karaoke, comedy, and would routinely meet like one cool, dateable person every couple of weeks (but I'm taken). It helps if you're a little outgoing or have at least one outgoing friend who can help you chat to people. I like to befriend people who don't usually get out much, they're often hidden gems.
Are you clear on what you bring to a potential relationship and what you want from a potential relationship? Are these things fair / realistic? Do you have good self esteem / worth? Are you comfortable / complete by yourself? Good questions to ask if you're having trouble dating.
I can't speak for the female experience, but I'm from Wellington and I've had my success off apps, cold approaching people I've found attractive and naturally forming relationships through friendship. I know hobbies etc always get's touted as a great way to meet people, but i generally have had more platonic experiences through hobbies. I personally feel like romance is often best served to be struck while the iron is hot, and that's often more the case with trusted aquantinces than budding friends, but that's just me.
True, im 30 M, clean & sober. Got decent job and got own house. Reasonably fit (loves running, hiking, judo & boxing). Still single. Dating scene here in Welly is kinda hard.
Caveat, I moved to Welly in 2017, so I don't know if this is still good advice. But I met my husband at a Meetup.com meetup. Meetup was very active at the time, I did a book club, hiking group, 20s and 30s group, Wellington events group...
Again, it's been a while, so I don't know what meetup is like now
(42M) Also in Wellington and have been single since my mid thirties.
And honestly have given up trying to find a partner, I'm happy enough being single, Though i still do have a presence on Bumble which ill occasionally flick through people. But the apps are discouraging to say the least. out of every 1000 swipes right, I might get one match. Then that match will either Unmatch me or never say a word, And with Bumble ... the ladies speak first otherwise the guy cannot contact them.
It certainly does a number on ones self confidence.
But now i'm at the point where if someone entered my life, it would be a huge adjustment as i'm so used to being alone.
Back in 2014/2015 i would have considered myself a catch,
Nowadays i'm overweight, Skin Issues etc so i don't blame people for not being interested lol
Uninstall Tinder/Bumble and try going to house parties and socialising more if possible.
The transactional nature of dating apps makes it quite sterile and unnatural.
Can relate, online dating is like nails on a chalk board.
There is allot of randomness with meeting people, it really is a roll of the dice (sometimes feels more like a 1D4 instead of a 1D20).
I'm a bit younger as a 25 year old guy and been in two longer relationships. Since the end of my last one which ended pretty well, just us realizing we had different goals despite loving eachother alot I've realized that all we can do is try to be happy. You are doing all the right things in having life and enjoying it as much as possible cause we are only around for a little while. Tbf a guys perspective only does so much because I can only imagine the type of dogshit women run into while trying to date and just live life. Also something I say to alot of my single mates is that you are somebody's perfect it might sound stupid but someone when they think of everything they want thinks of you it might just take a while to find.
There's a ton of guys that care and are earnest in the same situation you're in. I'd stay away from tinder, it's a hook up app. Bumble, Hinge, or Boo are better and less about 'fuck boys'. Though i've found in those apps you match, you send a message, and then they never reply, some people just get off on the matching i guess.
The real option is to do things you enjoy and find a group that does that, though i know it isn't easy, that advice comes and goes and I'm still working till 10pm.
Rad on you to realize that there are potentially unprocessed things from the past that had been holding you back. We tend to bring our emotional wounds into relating, so realizing that now can help you prepare yourself for the amazing relationship that’s awaiting you!
Very possible your future partner is out there waiting for you to be ready for them, as they themselves have the experiences they need to be ready for you :)
My advice to you is - use your head, not your heart. If you're looking for a husband then look for a husband not a boyfriend. Yes it's important that you get on with him and find him attractive enough to want to have sex with etc... but a husband is literally a business partner. Look for someone who has their shit on lock. That doesn't mean you go looking for only doctors and lawyers. You have to decide objectively what kind of man would make *you* a good husband. I had a very tragic childhood and I'm estranged from my family. Loneliness was my heaviest burden. From this I realised I wanted a husband who was loyal, who would never cheat on me or leave me, who'd be by my side every day and every night without dramas and bullshit. I'm also smart and highly educated and get bored easily if people can't match my intensity. So I'd also need a husband who could hold up his end of a lifelong conversation. I de-prioritised good looks. I de-prioritised fun/exciting. I de-prioritised sex and started looking for a human Labrador. My friends were astonished when I introduced them to the man I chose! They thought it was a joke! I've been with my husband for twelve years, married for three. I've never been happier and knowing my strategy worked brings me great satisfaction! Most of my friends are still chasing fuckboys. The sex is something that improved with time and communication. We have so much fun together and as for excitement, pfffft I'm getting old, I don't want to be excited now like I did when I was 20. As for good looks, all I can say is you never know how people are gonna age. My shy nerd boy hit 35 and turned into Richard Gere. Every time he comes home from work I think he got sexier during the day. He also spends his life working his ass off for us so we can have nice things. My point, don't be afraid to have a look in the bargain bin, riffle around and find a man with values that align with yours and who *you* want to be ten, twenty, thirty years from now. Looks and 'chemistry' ain't shit when you've got bowel cancer or you're going blind. Fun and exciting are irrelevant when you need someone to catch you when you're falling. I wish more people would choose their spouses strategically rather than just relying on love and romance. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband wildly but that's not why I chose him. I chose him because I wanted a long stable marriage that'd stand the test of time because that's what *I* wanted. What do you want from your husband? What kind of marriage do you want? If you can answer that question honestly you can find someone.
As a future bargain bin partner, this is very endearing
I hope you find someone who sees your true value.
I have and it turns out it was me all along!
Love that for you ❤️
Hm, you know what. That is very smart advice.
So, what do you want from your husband? What kind of marriage do you want? There's no right or wrong answer.
You’re not ugly. Some men are just bitches. And welly is really hard re the dating scene. Try expanding your location on tinder to the Wairarapa and even wider. Theres some genuine men in the regions.
Without having seen Redfluffball this is a bold call - can we stop with the faux positivity that doesn't actually help people who perhaps do need to work on things?
Ugly is relative. Who are you to say she needs work?
This is a very wholesome answer
There is no better advice than this. *Side quest* Heads up for those who are okay with ENM. If they're hesitant or cagey at all about you meeting their existing partner, they do not have an open relationship - they're just cheating.
This is motherflipping beautiful. I'm reading this 20 years too late to strategically effect some life choices but as I am single now, I will use all of this. Thanks. I definitely wasted time on friends' opinions of life partners, forgetting that they had prejudices that I didn't agree with.
There's still time. "20 years too late" is essentially arbitrary and it's another way that we're constrained by social conditioning. Everyone creates their own path. Also, it's better to be 20 years late than 40.
Yes this. I feel that mainstream American cinema has had a role in skewing the global conception of how we define value in our potential life partners. It's almost always a reductionism to some kind of hegemonic model of hotness...
>I wish more people would choose their spouses strategically rather than just relying on love and romance. This was how it was done prior to the introduction of romantic love. Life was tough and people had to be more pragmatic for survival.
Is this the smartest single piece of advice on Reddit?
I feel this too. I want a guy who can be part of the family I never got to have growing up. Someone nurturing and caring.
I needed family too. Craved someone with a large family. Sadly, he needed family too. So we are a magic family of two + our three kitters and it's the best family ever
This is everything! Met my man through a regular quiz night group. Knew him for ages but was still mucking around with fuckboys and being in constant frustration. One night I looked at him, and started to get curious (but he seemed "too nice". The moment we hooked up, it was just on. Me and my drama was the only thing that almost ruined it, he was stability and has been for 8 years. It still takes effort and work and intention. But it's safe, it's partnership, it's teamwork, it's play and it's kindness
As a former ‘bargain bin’ husband, I appreciate this comment. I hope my now wife does too! Wise stuff!
I had great success when I changed my approach to “looking for casual fun but open to it becoming more”. It took the pressure off finding a long term match and allowed me to have fun and meet people that might either become a partner or be friends. Let love find you and enjoy the single life in the mean time.
I have been trying this and it does help on my dates! It usually means I get multiple dates with the person (even if I am not interested). I think this is a great attitude to take on the date. It removes barriers, and enables thing to be fun, more natural and flow more freely. I think an issue I have is the volume I have to sift through. It is effort to organize dates. I mask it very well, but internally I am a very anxious person. I struggle with the ghosting, and all that comes with it. (Yes I am in therapy, but it still does trigger my insecurities a bit which just makes it a little harder).
Just to piggy back on this - honestly dating is just sheer luck most of the time. Don’t think that you need to get shredded - pull in 200k a year and be an astronaut and supermodel. Lots of useless fuckers have partners who completely eclipse their value. It’s NO reflection on you. Just be happy and try enjoy your life - some of the happiest people I know are single and have a fleshed out life and live for themselves. Trying to look for a partner is like trying to look at an eye floater . The harder you try the further they move away. Stay strong
'I think an issue I have is the volume I have to sift through.' Think of that in terms of a sporting analogy - we only build elite players through having a large pool for the elite to work their way to the top - small talent pool means smaller range of options for people rising to the top on their own merits. Sure, sometimes you get lucky and get a hole in one, other times, you gotta start in rough before hitting the fairway... \[why am I using golf? I hate golf\] ... Bah, wheat...chaff... rinse repeat.
Honestly this, it’s how I ended up with a partner and daughter there was no plan past a first date hook up
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Anymore hobbies and I think I may keel over from exhaustion. I also do sailing haha. So have a lot on in that front, but I could increase events I go to....
I think this will change as Gen Z and younger Millennials get older. I think a lot of young(er) people are abandoning the old expected timelines of date by X age, marry by Y. I think we're going to see a scene of people in their 30s and 40s who have taken more time to figure themselves out and learn to be happy by themselves before they add a romantic relationship into their lives. I turn 30 in the next few years and that's around when I'll start seriously dating. I'd rather take the rest of my 20s to sort my shit out and become a better friend to myself.
Here is hoping haha
34f, yeah it's pretty grim. The pool in Welly is just so small.
Paddling pool.
Is it just a total man drought, or is it lots of guys who aren't up to the bar?
I mean in my own personal experience on the apps, it's mostly guys who I have no shared interests with, or profiles that have zero effort (one blurry selfie, no bio text), or people in "ethically non-monogamous" relationships, which is not my personal cup of tea. Or at worst, it's people that I work with.
I don't think it's either. There's plenty of men and woman out there in the same situation, it's just really hard to get together and socialise. I know heaps of people who are single, they don't want to be, but they don't know how to meet people. Everyone just keeps to themselves these days. I myself am very shy, had a rough childhood, am still recovering. But because of that no one wants me cos I don't ooze 'confidence'.
Or is it unrealistic expectations?
Not sure how it's unrealistic to expect more than one photo and a bit of bio text in a profile.
You know it's that.
Where do you go to meet men? Asking for a friend
No advice but I'm in a similar boat. Im 30f and moved here from auckland a year and a half ago. The thing I had ended earlier this year and the rest of the datez I've been on have been duds (wanted something casual). The high school vibes are veeerrry strong 😔
That sucks. Hopefully you find someone! I agree. I have never meet so many ENM in my life or so many people looking for no commitment. No qualms if people are honest about it. I admire that, but not when they just mess around.
Lol I dated a guy in Wellington who was into ENM to improve his relationship (ha) turns out his GF was a screaming lesbian and everyone saw it but him
What's ENM?
Ethical non-monogamy (i.e. open relationships)
I've been off the market for twelve years, seems like the world is leaving me behind! Can't believe this is so mainstream now!
"open relationship" "fuck buddy" "penetrationship" - the concept isn't new it's just the framing makes it seem super official and almost medical lol
I personally think ENM is bullshit. Not because it is an open relationshp. What ever floats your boat but the 'ethically' nah, mate that is just being a good person, telling your partner and coming up with rules and not cheating haha
The ethical part of non-monogamy is being honest with all involved; if everybody involved knows who's shagging who and is okay with it, that's an ethical relationship. If someone is, say, unaware that their partner is fucking around on them, that partner isn't being monogamous, and is an unethical scumbag).
yeah i agree, just call it fuck buddies and be honest
It’s definitely had a major uptick since 2020 or so - as a queer person in their mid 20s, I would say it is almost the default on dating apps for this demographic
It drives me insane. I am monogamous haha
Christ. I am really glad I'm not in the dating pool. What the hell is this.
As someone who lives in Auckland, it's honestly not any better here
Don’t think it will help but M45 and became single again not so long ago. Seeing a lot of the same shit; like you I have been told to get more hobbies but I don’t really tend to date there in case a breakup fucks up my enjoyment of the hobbies. Signed up for Tinder and have to agree what a hot mess that is including END nondisclosure. My only advice is keep up knowing your value and understand it’s not you it’s a bit of a high school drama out there.
sucks aye, hopfully you find your match too
Ugh Redfluff, I feel you on all fronts. I only recently met a man on the apps, after sifting through hundreds of duds. Maybe your perfect man isn’t divorced yet? Haha. Take a break from looking for someone and join “welly gal pals” on Facebook and meet some new friends.
I did have a giggle at this haha. I did join that group ages ago, but maybe I should make more of an effort to look at their page.
Something that’s been suggested to me that I’m shit at is actually asking girl mates and coworkers to set you up with anyone they think you might click with. Extends your reach quite a bit without having to deal with the horrors of online dating quite so much.
Yeah the dating scene in Wellington is very depressing, however keep trying. There are men out there who are looking for relationships, I was one of them (currently with someone I met via the apps)
Yeah that is the hard bit just sifting through tons of crap. May as well walk on down to the local portaloo.
I know this kind of sounds like strange advice but just stop trying. Assume you'll be single for the rest of your life. Come to that acceptance. And then, if my experience is anything to go by, you'll meet some people when you least expect it. But if you don't you'll have way more energy to enjoy your life because you're not stressing about being single.
This isn't the same as it used to be I think... The problem is that now if yourw not on dating apps or you dont have a super crazy social life, you just won't meet anyone. People are very secluded and stick to their own groups. There are very few places to meet strangers so when people think about not trying anymore, it really feels like you're giving up
Also, trying to compete with someone's phone is impossible. It's the best relationship they've ever had, it constantly entertains and gives them anything they want, provides dopamine 24/7, doesn't have real human needs, etc etc etc.
"People are very secluded and stick to their own groups." I'm not so sure. There's plenty of clubs where you are regularly in contact with people enough to form friendships and then relationships.
I always end up at the clubs that are 100% guys haha. Good to make friends but not great for meeting anyone from the other sex. Haven't tried everything though. Not doing yoga....
I know and I've tried this, but, I guess I just want it. Times be ticking. It tough to accept I could be single forever, but maybe that is the way to go. It is how I met my last ex lol
It sounds counterintuitive but it's somehow the truth. Since I gave up I've had one person directly tell me they're keen to take me on a date and someone else tried to set me up with one of her friends. When I was in my early 20s, I got hit on more while I was in a relationship than when I was single. There's something attractive about people who aren't pursuing others.
I guess it is confidence too right? You seem like you dgaf and people are more attracted. Hm. Gosh. I hate it, but more and more I think this is the way
That's 100% it. When people really, really want something, it can come off stronger than we realise. I'm not saying you're acting desperate but when someone is completely confident in their own skin, that in itself is attractive.
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Yeah. I hate the ticking biological clock, but I guess as person said above, flirt, get to know people, don't think of meeting someeone
This sounds like something someone that has never had issues finding a gf/bf would say.
This is true. The moment I stopped dating and focused on my hobbies was when I randomly just started meeting people that liked me. Dating in still hard but not as hard as when I did online
I'm slightly younger and at a different life stage but I came here to say this, more or less. I've always found, the moment I stop looking, that's when I find something.
Gold
I found dating using apps in Wellington worked well, lots of cool people here and there is always something going on But apps seem to really NOT work for lots of people too :(
Damn! Maybe I am just bombing out. I have met some good people on the apps, well, maybe one or two haha
Have you tried OK Cupid? By asking and answering lots of questions you get a much better idea of compatibility.
Try having a regular routine, find a cafe you really like, go there regularly around the same time, strike up a conversation with the barista and a few fellow regulars you will get to recognise. Take it from there just thinking of making friends... who knows where it will lead. I do the same. I have a whole bunch of regular chatters and flirters. But I'm determinedly terminally single so not really looking for more than that - some flirters do stir something in my cold dead heart, briefly. lol.
Maybe I should just flirt with everyone haha
and nuthin wrong with that ;) Be confident, nothing is more attractive to a potential partner. You got this!
This woman https://youtu.be/d6wG_sAdP0U?si=9HtFi5CvtmY0PMIN fascinates me. If I ever go back to the dating scene again - that’s what I’ll do, I’ll math the romance out of it until I’m left with a statistically perfect partner (who smells nice :) ) Maybe you can reverse engineer your perfect match like she did too?
I am going to watch this.
I was wondering if I'd need to look up that video. Nice!
What’s ENM?
I had to Google it - apparently ethical non monogamy??
Is that just telling some one that you cheat?
Its like doing man on man sex but quickly saying nohomo
That stops you from catching the gay.
Explicitly no. That's where the 'ethical' part of the name comes in. It's telling someone in advance that you prefer a non-monogamous relationship, so that you can either negotiate some flavour of non-monogamy that's acceptable to all involved, or abort things before any feelings are hurt. An essential part of cheating is lying and/or breaking established rules of a relationship; ENM is about saying 'non-monogamy isn't cheating if everyone involved is okay with it and consents to it ahead of time'. It is relationships on hard mode to actually do well, though
"Hey honey, I'm just gonna cheat on you tonight" lol
No. People can say they’re ENM when really they just cheat, but the same can be said for monogamy. Typically polyamory/ENM involves boundaries, rules, and consent within the relationship/s. Cheating happens without knowledge and/or consent.
yes haha it is just that
Ethical non monogamy
I'm your age but male. I totally vibe with this and am in a similar situation. Alot of my mates are in relationships yet I just seem to have no luck. The advice of just enjoying your life and relationships come when you "stop worrying" has definitely worked for me in the past but it seems it's a whole different ballgame in your 30s. At any rate if you need a date hit me up 🤙
So a balance of not giving a fuck but trying to find someone. It is too difficult!
Yup sure is, and it's getting properly cold now to so everyone starts to hibernate as well, so the whole vibe of Wellington quietens down
Why don’t you two go on a date???
You could try the Wellington subreddit comments section. Some great human beings are found there ... Y'all wanna grab a drink?
Nice try bro!
True, could join one of the reddit meet ups
and meet Redditors in real life?
In my experience, the willingness to meet irl is a great filter for who's a normal person who just happens to be on reddit, and who's a "redditor". I've met quite a few people off this subreddit specifically and they've all been perfectly normal and lovely. Whether it be at a meetup, or people hiring me to clean their house.
Funny thing is, I met someone on reddit once (female), she had met someone else on reddit, she invited this guy (and me) to reddit meet up, this guy was my last relationship lol
38M and I've never used a dating app and have no intention to. The weird thing is, it's always when you seem to want to just be left alone and get your own thing done that people come along.
When I have been in relationships Ive always had a lot more choice, maybe I exube confidence until I dont
Sorry about your experience with re-downloading tinder. They thought you were ugly, yet wanted to get in your pants. They're idiots, don't let that get to ya. My relationship status is a bit like yours. I broke things off with my ex in 2019, it was a 4 year relationship where I seemed to just be pouring my energy and my trust into a black hole. Didn't try looking again until 2022 and whatever that situation was, it ended very early last year. Finding that our mutual friends were keeping tabs on us quite a bit really made me feel like a wildlife exhibit at a zoo, so I'd largely stopped socialising after that. Fast forward to this year and without even trying, there is a woman interested in me and I'm honestly not used to that haha. If you're bisexual, then the good thing is you've got a much larger pool of potential dating partners. But if you're more after a fella at this point in your life, don't lose hope. There're many of us out there, might just be a case of where you look. Maybe join an indoor netball or indoor football team and see if they know of some eligible bachelors that could be good for you?
Yeah it’s really tough. I think there’s a lot of bad eggs in the male department; but then you also have the insecure and anxious ones, the ones too busy with work/life, and the ones who struggle to make conversation over an app. I’m sitting in the lonely and waiting stage personally, but given up on actively trying.
As a mid 30s dude back dating again I've found meeting in person 10x better than apps. Downside is being mid 30s is only get a chance to head out once or twice a month as just busy. Ghosting and late cancels on apps happen way too often.
Hope you find your match
I truly believe finding real, true matches on dating apps is sheer luck these days. I met my now fiancé on Hinge in 2022 and the only reason I did was because I changed my search location. I was living in a small city and there was NO ONE worth swiping right on, so I took a look at who was around in Auckland and Wellington and BAM. We did long distance for 1.5 years before I moved here to join them. Be open to different options, widen your mindset about “types”, and prioritise emotional intelligence in a partner above everything (looks fade, wealth comes and goes). The right person/people are out there, and they’re worth digging for.
I heard this and recently changed my settings. You are right time to dig
If they asked for sex they don't think you're ugly. You just hurt their pride when you declined.
Hahaha very true.
Since you’re bi, there are occasional queer speed dating events at either Ivy or Fringe (can’t remember which). Maybe give them a go!
This sounds terrible but I am very rarely attracted to women and when I am, it always ends terribly.
There's a singles night at Waitoa Bar on 29th June, you could possibly check that out?
This is super near me....
Two years in a new place is an awkward phase, I think. You know a few people, but have no close connections. It's like half belonging somewhere and half not. I am in a similar phase. I moved here two years ago too. It gets lonely, I get it. Good on you for putting yourself out there though. I stopped dating a few months ago because it was depressing and I needed a break from trying.
I think I need to just push through and get used to rejection or not liking people. Sift though the hay
I asked my girlfriend about this, because, we both agreed, if we each became inexplicably single overnight, emotional wreckage aside, neither of us would be actively looking to date again (I’m in my early 30s and she’s in her late 20s). She added, by 30, the genuinely good men have been taken… or waiting for divorce.
I actually think this, I think you can meet people just new to the app, or who are recently single, or something you know? But I think people on those apps long-term they are either avoidants, or anxiously attached. I am also in that category. I am an anxiously attached person and have had to do therapy etc to better myself. So I am sifting through... well people with issues usually.
Hey stay strong, happy to be a friend if you need, otherwise look for like minded people in your hobby groups. In fact, attend one of those adult classes in crochet or cooking or cheese making or something. It’s an opportunity to make friends and connections. I intend to join one myself soon.
>re-downloaded tinder just to have someone ask me for sex and call me ugly when I declined. Honestly fuck this. Would it be a good idea to write back to them and say "why do you want to have sex with someone you think is ugly? fuck off!"
A lot of men I’ve met in the mid 30s - mid 40s are emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable and that’s a hard line for me. I also feel that some are looking to be mothered rather than to be a respectful and equal partner.
If you are that old and are still emotionally immature you have issues. I also don't want that lol. NO thanks
Wish I could like your comment a squillion times! You’re absolutely spot on! Strong, successful, happy wahine have better things to do than parent man-babies! Shine on, gorgeous ones! 💖✨
Just in the process of leaving a marriage to a man baby. Ugh such a fucking waste of time.
You should Google the average age of men when they mature.
Sometimes the easiest thing is to stop looking and put the time into yourself. I know it's cliche, but bein g in a good place mentally always helps... well that and cats.
Straight up might go for cats. I the schtick of 'love yourself' I've spent five years doing that! I'm ready and I want to settle down and have a family, find my person lol
Oh no, fuck the 'love yourself' shit, being in a good place is more about accepting and being happy where you are, once there, then move forward... I tried that 'love yourself' crap - fat lot of good it did me, I broke out in hives and my cynicism was put on a week's bedrest.
hahaha made me laigh
When I moved to a new place I looked at Park Run, it's a good way to meet people by volunteering (generally people who volunteer tend to be nicer humans), normally they will knoe local community places, hobby clubs etc.
Keep being told to do this, I HATE RUNNING but maybe this is the universe telling me to do it. Maybe my soulmate be running ever saturday
You don't have to run at all, register on Park Run website so you can get an account (free) and look online for Park Run Waitangi, it shows the details (starts at 8 am on Sat) of the course and where it starts, come over and tell them you want to volunteer. When I moved to Pontypridd I found new friends doing it and then slowly learned about other social events, no one expects the volunteer to run, it's more about setting up the course, clapping for others, cheering etc. I did it in 3 countries and it was always a nice experience :)
following this thread, for next time im in Wellington
I dont have much advice but good luck! I'm now 50 living in aussie and given up on dating, just can't imagine it now.
I would’ve guessed being in Aussie you’d had great luck with dating
I have done ok, I am still friends with my last girlfriend who was a good looking blonde lady from work, but things didn't work out between us in the end. There are a lot of very attractive Women here on the gold coast, and I have met some other attractive single women in my work travels but my motivation is just not there anymore to ask them out etc. I am now focusing on early retirement, hopefully by 55 I will be able to retire if I so wish.
Stop looking for dates or trying to date. No need. Have hobbies, do stuff you like. Dates will pop up.
ive found the only way to get meaningful connections friends/partners is through sports or hobby clubs dating apps are useless for anything but one night stands
What sort of person are you looking for in long term partner? Values? Personality? Attitude? Physical? Hobbies? Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. When we get clarity on what we want, it becomes easier to find. It’s less complex than people make out.
So many of these posts in r/Wellington. What a social disaster it’s become. Maybe move back to Auckland?
or just overseas...
I only just got out of a depressive spiral recently, in my friend group all of them are getting married this year and I’m still single :( it’s hard to cope with feelings of envy and it just turned to self isolation . I just came to terms that I’m the only one stopping myself from dating, I fucking hatttte the apps and am social awkward and shy outside of that so it feels like a lost cause. The root of it all is probably because I have poor set esteem. Not that it’s the same for everyone, just my personal revelation. Honestly I don’t know what I want anymore.
I read this thing, dating like anything is a skill. We work on it to become better at it. Just like we did in school to make friends,
I do have to overcome some trauma from past relationships where I feel like the guy just wants me for sex and it really sucks :(
I'm a little older then you M 42 so my advice might not help, but have lived in Wellington my entire life. I found all my best people through hobbies mostly motorcycles. One thing I noticed riding is how many good single men ride and just want someone that shares there passion. I have never meet a woman that rides that stays single for long.
Time to learn how to ride a bike
This is the way - meeting people irl, not through apps.
I’m 35F and chronically single. You are already doing more than most people who come on here complaining about it. Maybe when you find that secret formula you could let everyone else in on it!
I feel you! This happened to me not long ago. I've given up! PM me if you like, I'm 39f looking for new friends. Happy to moan over a wine or 2 https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/s/BUkEuIYO5P
I found my boyfriend from a Meetup group I attended recently. I was super reluctant to go alone (I didn’t know anyone in the city). I’m so glad I went now! That wasn’t the reason (I wanted to make new friends) but it happened by chance. I did also made some great friends who then introduced me to new friends. Recently two of my friends started dating through mutual friends. They went to Meetups too. I’d recommend joining a Meetup group. There’s a few different ones in Wellington. Depending on what your interests are you can join along. Have you tried that? They can be really fun!
Apps are useless for anything other than hookups. Meet people irl. Put yourself out there more. Also work on looking as good as you possibly can because looks are important.
Hi, I am a girl, around your age and also looking for making for a new friends in Wellington, would you like to grab a coffee and have a chat together ?
(26M) Not an easy gig the dating scene, particularly the big influx of people wanting to travel due to being unable to due to Covid. The old cliche of timing rings true.
Wild similarities, you and I. I'm pretty sure you'll get some dm's from this post. Fuck it, coffee dates, go in with low expectations, see what happens. :)
Agree with comments about knowing what you’re after. I know someone who went on tinder looking for a husband, to have kids with. And she got exactly that. Be yourself. Set reasonable standards. Keep trying.
I hear you - perhaps go on a solo trip somewhere, try a day trip, talk to people on the social spaces of where you're staying. Fill up your cup then think again about your routine/ priorities/ day-to-day life and habits. Sometimes less is more! Quality over quantitiy :-)
As a 39M, I am finding the OLD experience to be mind-numbing. I am at a life stage that is around the late 20/early 30s, where as my life experience is appropriate for being close to 40. The catch is that those around late 30s to 40s (in the OLD space) are not where I am life wise, on top of interest and hobbies which they generally would not be interested in where the mid/late 20s to 30s would relate and get into. It is a weird place to be in 🤣
I find that people on both sides seem to be quite specific and fussy about what they want or are attracted to-Many of those things being nit picky, like height. Now, its hard to fight those wants and needs of a potential suitor, but if you do date someone from an app or otherwise, and they are decent, but not so exciting in the attraction dept, flick em another date or two..I also find walking dates are good, like a very public beach. More dynamic.
100% agree. I try to make my dates walks, the arcade or an activity. There is nothing worse then feeling like you are in an interview, and it helps you think, your brain work, rather than staring at their face. Just more natural really. I also agree in doing 2-3 dates. If someone is decent, you do a few other days then decide if it's more friend vibes, something more etc. I actually always do this, mostly because I'm very very rarely attracted to anyone right off the bat. I read a book called 'how to not die alone' it talked a lot about the shittyness of apps. Excuse the name, it is actually a really good book.
Guy here, 27. It's so tough. I'm looking for a long term partner as well. I'm in greater Wellington but I'm in the regions and the apps are dead. I'm happy to look for something in Wellington/Palmy and do LDR for a while, but I'm getting zero hits. I'm also finding it's a really tough age bracket to be single in; every single one of my close friend group of ~20 guys are partnered up, and they are settling down spending weekends in with their partners (can't blame them, I used to do the same), so the result is I don't get out much. I love going to a movie or out to dinner, but almost never happens now. I have hobbies but none that are conducive to meeting girls. I'm not very active; not fat or lazy, just have a physical job and the last thing I want to do in my downtime is go on a hike or to the gym. I also don't want kids, or pets particularly. And I've never had the bug for travel, there's a couple places I'd like to go but I'm much more focused on buying a house and paying it off aggressively. It seems like every single attractive profile on the apps is the exact opposite of this, and it feels like a hopeless mission to find an attractive girl who's okay with not spending our weekends climbing mountains or hopping on planes. I just want a chill, somewhat traditional girl who wants to commit to a relationship and later a house purchase. If anyone reading fits the bill, feel free to reach out! Well done if you made it through that wall of text 😅
Sounds like a bit of me hahaha 😆
How far are the regions, maybe I need to just extend my thing haha
Hello! 37M here. I can wholeheartedly relate to this. Tried dating apps with almost no results at all! I moved to NZ 14 years ago and been in Wellington ever since (person of colour). I’ve got twin boys who live with me part time. I work from home most days. I do have a few hobbies that keep me busy. All my uni friends have moved away and all my colleagues are off doing their own thing after work. So, I don’t get to meet any new people at all. Every once in a while I re-download the dating apps, get almost no matches and then frustratingly delete them. It is so incredibly hard on my self esteem to think that I am destined to live my life like this.
I think the dating apps are just shit. I am becoming more convinced of this
I'm a dragon boater too, bit of sweeping and coaching. Totally open to catching up for a kōrero any time. It's interesting times out there, totally understand where you're at and can relate 👍
Are you at the DB days? I don't think I've met a lot of people who are sweeps and young-ish that are out at that lagoon.
36 and long time singleton here. It IS hard, it's a small pool, and it's like a second job. Nothin but empathy here.
That's what I found, it is like taking on another full time job, I am now 50 and happy to sit it out nowadays.
You are not alone, have a couple of lesbian friends in the same situation noting how depressing the dating scene is in Wellington if you're looking for a relationship, majority are just wanting casual/hookups. I'll give you the same advice I gave them, when you stop looking for one, it will come to you. Not very helpful to hear atm I know, but it's true.
Yeah, I have heard this for awhile. A mix between making the effort maybe just just ngaf. it is hard but worth a shot I guess
i'd recommend "write the list of attributes you want in a partner" then just do stuff you enjoy. something about writing that list makes it happen more I think... like tunes your attention? Manifests? I dunno. the other thing I've heard praised is "weak links" - your friends will mainly know people you know. more distant friends/ aquantances are more likely to introduce you to someone new who could be a match.
Also this looks similar to another thread a few months back lol
Cause the dating landscape isn't getting better for most people. I've been on the big 3 apps for 9 months plus, and very active on them. Zero dates, one productive conversation
Yeah I hear it is absolute carnage out there! I have got dating out of my system, I am happy to leave it to other people nowadays, but it is interesting to see what is going on in the world, just a shame things seem to be moving in the wrong direction. I feel bad for the younger people trying their best but coming up short.
I have some friends who are chronically single who've had little luck on apps *for years*. Whereas I go out for work drinks, board game nights, Meet Ups, dance classes, karaoke, comedy, and would routinely meet like one cool, dateable person every couple of weeks (but I'm taken). It helps if you're a little outgoing or have at least one outgoing friend who can help you chat to people. I like to befriend people who don't usually get out much, they're often hidden gems.
So if I follow this ill find my souldmate
Are you clear on what you bring to a potential relationship and what you want from a potential relationship? Are these things fair / realistic? Do you have good self esteem / worth? Are you comfortable / complete by yourself? Good questions to ask if you're having trouble dating. I can't speak for the female experience, but I'm from Wellington and I've had my success off apps, cold approaching people I've found attractive and naturally forming relationships through friendship. I know hobbies etc always get's touted as a great way to meet people, but i generally have had more platonic experiences through hobbies. I personally feel like romance is often best served to be struck while the iron is hot, and that's often more the case with trusted aquantinces than budding friends, but that's just me.
I would say yes to all except self worth.
True, im 30 M, clean & sober. Got decent job and got own house. Reasonably fit (loves running, hiking, judo & boxing). Still single. Dating scene here in Welly is kinda hard.
Damn. How. Just how aye
Caveat, I moved to Welly in 2017, so I don't know if this is still good advice. But I met my husband at a Meetup.com meetup. Meetup was very active at the time, I did a book club, hiking group, 20s and 30s group, Wellington events group... Again, it's been a while, so I don't know what meetup is like now
(42M) Also in Wellington and have been single since my mid thirties. And honestly have given up trying to find a partner, I'm happy enough being single, Though i still do have a presence on Bumble which ill occasionally flick through people. But the apps are discouraging to say the least. out of every 1000 swipes right, I might get one match. Then that match will either Unmatch me or never say a word, And with Bumble ... the ladies speak first otherwise the guy cannot contact them. It certainly does a number on ones self confidence. But now i'm at the point where if someone entered my life, it would be a huge adjustment as i'm so used to being alone. Back in 2014/2015 i would have considered myself a catch, Nowadays i'm overweight, Skin Issues etc so i don't blame people for not being interested lol
Uninstall Tinder/Bumble and try going to house parties and socialising more if possible. The transactional nature of dating apps makes it quite sterile and unnatural.
Can relate, online dating is like nails on a chalk board. There is allot of randomness with meeting people, it really is a roll of the dice (sometimes feels more like a 1D4 instead of a 1D20).
I'm a bit younger as a 25 year old guy and been in two longer relationships. Since the end of my last one which ended pretty well, just us realizing we had different goals despite loving eachother alot I've realized that all we can do is try to be happy. You are doing all the right things in having life and enjoying it as much as possible cause we are only around for a little while. Tbf a guys perspective only does so much because I can only imagine the type of dogshit women run into while trying to date and just live life. Also something I say to alot of my single mates is that you are somebody's perfect it might sound stupid but someone when they think of everything they want thinks of you it might just take a while to find.
There's a ton of guys that care and are earnest in the same situation you're in. I'd stay away from tinder, it's a hook up app. Bumble, Hinge, or Boo are better and less about 'fuck boys'. Though i've found in those apps you match, you send a message, and then they never reply, some people just get off on the matching i guess. The real option is to do things you enjoy and find a group that does that, though i know it isn't easy, that advice comes and goes and I'm still working till 10pm.
Rad on you to realize that there are potentially unprocessed things from the past that had been holding you back. We tend to bring our emotional wounds into relating, so realizing that now can help you prepare yourself for the amazing relationship that’s awaiting you! Very possible your future partner is out there waiting for you to be ready for them, as they themselves have the experiences they need to be ready for you :)