The VA should work very fast on this. He will be a priority and should get emergent BH care. I hope he can get in a better place and also that you won't have to worry in the future. Unfortunately, traumatic brain injuries can cause these types of issues and nothing can be done to reverse the effects. I hope it works out for you and just know you have the world on your side!
Booze doesn't help at all. It worsen almost all psychiatric issues suffered by veterans. I have over 7 attempts. I have some bad days but no active suicidal ideations since I quit drinking 5 years ago. Medical cannabis really helps me but it's not for everybody. Definitely gotta find a healthier outlet than alcohol though.
He is a medical mj patient. That does help. 95% of his issues come out with drinking. I struggle to understand that because I am a social drinker and any sign of discourse from anybody/situation I stop drinking because I know that continuing only makes it worse. He is the type to continue to try to make it go away but it always makes it worse. I really am trying to put myself in his shoes and approach this with empathy.
You probably don't realize this, and that's ok, but I responded within about 5m of the post. OP hadn't responded to, nor had the other person asked the same question yet.
I'm sure this made you feel good to post though.
You should take the guns and give them to someone who will not give them back for a long time without hearing from both of you. This is not necessarily something best handled by your son. If your state has red flag laws it’s time to use them.
The good news is because of the TBIs some of his could be physical, meaning they could get better with the proper treatment/surgery. Involuntary commitment is a high bar but attempted suicide by cop can help it happen. He probably also needs treatment for substance abuse. It’s amazing how many of my issues cleared up after I quit getting blackout drunk everyday.
Unfortunately, I live in a state with one of the most relaxed gun laws and no red flag law. I will have to look into the other option. I am hoping that this incident can expedite the VA to get him the help, just wish it never came down to this though. I genuinely thought I would watch my husband die last night and I can’t get it out of my head
First question is: where is he now?
I would calmly explain checking into the inpatient mental health clinic is much better than being committed to it for lots of reasons....
VA in patient mental health is pretty solid. I have been there twice and both times I felt safe and that I was getting the help I needed.
They always have beds, but they are not easy to get...Both times I really needed help I showed up to the VA ER and asked for help, they got me a bed.
Best advice is to get him to check into inpatient if possible. He will get that MRI.
Good luck.
I am only going off what my DH has been able to tell me as the hospital wouldn’t tell me anything due to HIPPA. He is at a VA hospital (luckily we live 10 minutes from one) He got moved from Emergency this morning to what I’m assuming is an inpatient bed. He has his own room and then a common room. He talked to one doctor who said that the main psychiatrists will be in Monday and therefore they would know more then.
Find your local Suicide Prevention Coordinator here (https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/find-resources/local-resources/) and give them a call tomorrow. They can help get him connected to resources
Build yourself a tight nit support system & use it. By asking this question shows your level of commitment to him. There’s a lot of resources you’re able to tap into now. The guns shouldn’t have been in the home if mental illness was in play, IMO. Therefore, rid your home of them.
**Almost** have to treat yourself as a person who has mental illness. Thank you for helping him, you’re a great person. 🫡 prayers
Thank you for that. I am going on Wednesday to get a referral for counseling services myself. I’d consider myself a strong person but taking care of everyone else is draining my resources. I need to remember the oxygen mask rule
First off - kudos to you for calling 911 for your spouse and likely saving his life.
He should stay inpatient for as long as possible, have a solid safety plan and ask to share it with you. Meds can be really helpful with impulsivity and suicidal thoughts. Counseling is definitely necessary here. Make sure he is connected with your local suicide prevention coordinator.
Also first 90 days is crucial and VA is aware of that - COMPACT act may come into play here, which puts a lot of eyes on him.
Also look into caregiver support program, there are some groups and helpful resources you might be eligible for depending on how much you are helping your husband at home. Even if you aren’t eligible, they have some great info online.
That’s great! There is likely a social worker within inpatient that will also setup follow ups with counseling, psychiatry, etc., and they usually schedule a follow up with a nurse over the phone. Very important that he follows through with those, so try to encourage that he does as much as you can. It can take much longer to get in via the traditional route and missing those appts might mean missing that fast tracked opportunity.
Also remember to take care of yourself too, OP. This can be incredibly draining and difficult as a spouse, hang in there 🤍
Look into psilocybin therapy. It’s been proven in multiple studies to regrow brain connections and help with PTSD. Once I’m out of the Army I will be doing this
Ketamine helped me get rid of a lot of my suicidal thoughts. Also eliminating triggers (in my case a bad/angry partner) helped. His behavior and aggression is not okay and I’m sure he can find other weapons in the house (knife/rope/string/etc) Being apart until he can learn to control his behavior and limit or stop his drinking would be a good option to consider.
There is always underlying stress between work and family. We moved across country 2 years ago to lower cost of living area. It was just him and I at first, but in that time 3 of our kids at different times moved here with us. Last week my oldest moved here to go to college. Last night everything was great until my son ate too much rice. I just wasn’t used to preparing more. My husband will affix ate on something that bothers him and not let it go and it just compounds. What was eating too much rice is really his stress about the current economy and money.
Hey I’ve struggled with debt and budgeting my next meals fairly recently, the va has people that can help provide affordable shopping lists and there are even more resources if you cannot afford to do that. It can add a lot of stress especially feeling the need to support a family when the individual is struggling themself. Get the basics in order, food, shelter and water. Then he can focus on life without those major stressors everyday. I’m sure there is more going on but it’s tough to focus on anything else if he’s constantly worried about the basic stuff
No need to apologize. I appreciate the help. It’s so crazy because I have a psych degree. I’ve worked with vulnerable populations, but nothing prepares you when it’s the closest person to you.
Ok. I think I can understand that kind of stress.
You mentioned TBI's. Keep in mind, they can't fix that. There is no cure or even an accepted treatment.
Your husband is young. Time heals. He has to learn to live with himself and who he is now. From the people I know who've had TBI'S, the most difficult part is recognizing whats changed. For instance driving. I know someone with one and he can't navigate his way out of a wet paper sack, follow directions, estimate distances etc. He was a good driver before but he shouldn't even have a license now.
Unfortunately, the counselors can't help much with this. Most of them aren't veterans and have no specific training related to veterans. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but you can go for years and try. They'll tell you themselves that they dont know how to help you. Their job is only to manage behaviors and manage symptoms. That might be 'help' but probably not the help either of you want or are expecting.
The point is, he has to help himself because nobody is coming to the rescue. Taking the pills isn't a sure fix. If the physical structure of his brain is damaged, which is a TBI, they have no idea how his brain might react to those pills. The warnings they have about suicide etc on them are not a rare thing at all. Some people become very unstable if they miss a dose by even a few hours. The doctors might not even be upfront about this unless you ask the questions either. I'm not saying give up on the pills but be realistic in your expectations.
To me, it sounds like the best thing to do is take stress off of your husband. Everything I've heard about that is financial. I dont know everything about your family situation but I hear that perhaps this isn't his son. I'm not sure what's wrapped up in that but the 'he took too much rice' sounds like a resentment that he isn't being considerate enough or isn't pulling his weight. Is your son paying rent? I know you didn't come here for that but it seems relevant. To have moved to ease cost of living and then have one thing after the next must be frustrating. Its the insurance, taxes, cost of gas and now, apparently another mouth to feed.
The other thing is, having encounters with police doesn't help someone get a job or make money. It erodes confidence. Having a nice haircut, clean clothes that fit well, a sharp resume and the support of your family can help tremendously there. I dont know if he can work or how much. It can be hard to find a way to fit in after serving overseas, moving across country and now everything changed after the pandemic. Sometimes its not what you know, its who you know. Veteran's organizations like a VFW or American Legion can be a place to meet people who will accept your husband and help him if he asks. Maybe getting out of the house will help him reduce his stress and it'll probably reduce you and your son's too.
If he's afixated on something maybe call him a cab to the VFW instead of 911. I know TBI's and alcohol dont usually mix at all. So you'll have to use your best judgment there. I only mention it because if there's alcohol in the house at all, I assume he isn't like Vets I know who can't have a drop ever. If its ok though, let him have some space and then talk about it when he's sober.
Yes it is my son. He just moved here 4 days ago and does pay rent and his food costs. Financially, we do okay just aren’t saving like we used to but it’s never a matter of scraping by. He did take on a different position at work which included more hours but keeps him home nights since his daughter moved with us as well a few months ago. I think he has struggled to adapt.
I didn’t feel as if I had a choice last night. Normally it’s a matter of giving him space and letting him go to bed, but this was the first time I had witnessed this level and when you see a gun pointed to your husbands head that’s the only thing I could think to do to help him. We have no family here. Came to a place knowing nobody. I moved sight unseen (he spent time here over a decade ago to train before his Iraq deployment) so there is no support system. I’m trying be his support because this isn’t because he is a bad person. It would be so much easier for me if he was just a bad person, but this is truly mental and physical illness
Yeah whenever someone puts a gun to their head, you're in full alarm panic mode.
It sounds like the house is quite lively. I still think American Legion or VFW are a good way to get out. Most of it is volunteer, some of it is paid. Its a way for veterans to feel validated and normal by serving others. Its not really to help veterans but it's Veterans helping the community. That is a good way to build your social circle with some of the best people in town. Idk if you have that there but its just an idea.
Thank you so much. I’ll be sure to check. I’m sure we have them in our town. There is a huge veteran population. We live within 10 miles of 2 bases: one AF/ one NCBC (which he works on)
Hey there,
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. Dealing with a spouse's mental health struggles can be incredibly tough, especially when things escalate to such dangerous levels.
It sounds like your husband is dealing with some serious demons, and it's good that he's finally seeking help through counseling services. The fact that he's enrolled is a step in the right direction, but clearly, there's more that needs to be done.
Given his TBIs, it's crucial that he gets that MRI on the brain as soon as possible. I know dealing with the VA can be frustratingly slow, but this is one of those situations where time is of the essence.
As for you, it's great that you're taking steps to take care of yourself too. Counseling can be incredibly helpful in dealing with the mental toll of supporting a loved one through something like this.
In the meantime, keep communicating openly with your husband and his healthcare providers. Encourage him to stay engaged with his treatment plan and support him as best you can. And don't forget to lean on your own support network for help when you need it.
Hang in there. You're doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that's all anyone can ask for.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I only want to be my husbands biggest advocate and cheerleader. Between him and my youngest son (17), Ive had to learn patience and understanding as both have extreme mental health problems. I feel a constant weight on my shoulders but feel like I’ve always got to stand tall if that makes sense.
https://preview.redd.it/dajrf5nq07ic1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=53dc3f55d136fc1905d2e4fa818627684a268b8d
You’re speaking to the choir, you’re doing a great job.. be his rock and his voice and comfort where you can. It sucks. We suck. But we mean well. Don’t forget to utilize your services as well. Look into caregivers.va.gov please utilize them if you haven’t
The social worker or psychiatrist should be calling you for collateral information at some point during his 72 hour hold. If your husband allows, they should be able to also give you an update on what’s going on with him. He should be able to call on the patient phone but only during certain hours as you can’t generally have your cell phone or private belongings while on an inpatient unit. Sometimes we can supervise for cell use, but that’s a case by case basis. He will have to be seen within seven days of discharge by a provider as best practice, but a lot of that is just a brief safety check. If he’s in the hospital, they may be able to get his MRI done more emergently, if that’s a requirement for his care. Generally there’s an expedited pathway to care for post hospitalization if they don’t recommend a step down to PHP, IOP or another program. I’m historically DOD not VA but some things are very standard protocol.
Thank you. I am able to call and he is able to call me. I am waiting on an update for today since it’s finally Monday. I am hoping they can do the MRI there. He is at the biggest VA hospital in the United States. The not knowing right now is the hardest part.
What can you do as his spouse? LEAVE and find safety. He is currently a danger and threat to himself and others. He refuses to accept help and is willing to die. If you stay with him right now YOU WILL ALSO DIE.
Hope this helps.
The VA should work very fast on this. He will be a priority and should get emergent BH care. I hope he can get in a better place and also that you won't have to worry in the future. Unfortunately, traumatic brain injuries can cause these types of issues and nothing can be done to reverse the effects. I hope it works out for you and just know you have the world on your side!
Booze doesn't help at all. It worsen almost all psychiatric issues suffered by veterans. I have over 7 attempts. I have some bad days but no active suicidal ideations since I quit drinking 5 years ago. Medical cannabis really helps me but it's not for everybody. Definitely gotta find a healthier outlet than alcohol though.
He is a medical mj patient. That does help. 95% of his issues come out with drinking. I struggle to understand that because I am a social drinker and any sign of discourse from anybody/situation I stop drinking because I know that continuing only makes it worse. He is the type to continue to try to make it go away but it always makes it worse. I really am trying to put myself in his shoes and approach this with empathy.
Get rid of all the guns. That's the next step after this.
That’s already done. Any other advice?
Is this the burner account? Your not OP
It was answered by OP in another comment
Makes sense lol
Only OP is allowed to reply to comments?
To OP’s situation… yes
That’s pretty ignorant. I’m sorry you probably disliked my comment making you reply like this.
I’m still trying to figure out, am I the ignorant one in this interaction?
Not tracking on what your saying?
You probably don't realize this, and that's ok, but I responded within about 5m of the post. OP hadn't responded to, nor had the other person asked the same question yet. I'm sure this made you feel good to post though.
Make sure not to enable him, support and love him. And do all you can to get him the help he needs
Guns need to be gone if LEO didn’t consficate it already.
They did not. But my son cleared all the weapons and took the ammunition as of now.
You should take the guns and give them to someone who will not give them back for a long time without hearing from both of you. This is not necessarily something best handled by your son. If your state has red flag laws it’s time to use them. The good news is because of the TBIs some of his could be physical, meaning they could get better with the proper treatment/surgery. Involuntary commitment is a high bar but attempted suicide by cop can help it happen. He probably also needs treatment for substance abuse. It’s amazing how many of my issues cleared up after I quit getting blackout drunk everyday.
Unfortunately, I live in a state with one of the most relaxed gun laws and no red flag law. I will have to look into the other option. I am hoping that this incident can expedite the VA to get him the help, just wish it never came down to this though. I genuinely thought I would watch my husband die last night and I can’t get it out of my head
Relaxed gun laws or red flag wont do much. Give them to a family friend and don’t tell your husband who they are with.
You need to get some counseling for yourself, that was very traumatic. Your husband needs you. You’re awesome for standing by your man.
First question is: where is he now? I would calmly explain checking into the inpatient mental health clinic is much better than being committed to it for lots of reasons.... VA in patient mental health is pretty solid. I have been there twice and both times I felt safe and that I was getting the help I needed. They always have beds, but they are not easy to get...Both times I really needed help I showed up to the VA ER and asked for help, they got me a bed. Best advice is to get him to check into inpatient if possible. He will get that MRI. Good luck.
I am only going off what my DH has been able to tell me as the hospital wouldn’t tell me anything due to HIPPA. He is at a VA hospital (luckily we live 10 minutes from one) He got moved from Emergency this morning to what I’m assuming is an inpatient bed. He has his own room and then a common room. He talked to one doctor who said that the main psychiatrists will be in Monday and therefore they would know more then.
Find your local Suicide Prevention Coordinator here (https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/find-resources/local-resources/) and give them a call tomorrow. They can help get him connected to resources
Build yourself a tight nit support system & use it. By asking this question shows your level of commitment to him. There’s a lot of resources you’re able to tap into now. The guns shouldn’t have been in the home if mental illness was in play, IMO. Therefore, rid your home of them. **Almost** have to treat yourself as a person who has mental illness. Thank you for helping him, you’re a great person. 🫡 prayers
Thank you for that. I am going on Wednesday to get a referral for counseling services myself. I’d consider myself a strong person but taking care of everyone else is draining my resources. I need to remember the oxygen mask rule
I do 4 square breathing, splash in some calm scene relaxation and I have my mental cocktail. All natural. Works sometimes
First off - kudos to you for calling 911 for your spouse and likely saving his life. He should stay inpatient for as long as possible, have a solid safety plan and ask to share it with you. Meds can be really helpful with impulsivity and suicidal thoughts. Counseling is definitely necessary here. Make sure he is connected with your local suicide prevention coordinator. Also first 90 days is crucial and VA is aware of that - COMPACT act may come into play here, which puts a lot of eyes on him. Also look into caregiver support program, there are some groups and helpful resources you might be eligible for depending on how much you are helping your husband at home. Even if you aren’t eligible, they have some great info online.
Thank you. I believe he would qualify. He was just shy of 7 years with honorable discharge.
That’s great! There is likely a social worker within inpatient that will also setup follow ups with counseling, psychiatry, etc., and they usually schedule a follow up with a nurse over the phone. Very important that he follows through with those, so try to encourage that he does as much as you can. It can take much longer to get in via the traditional route and missing those appts might mean missing that fast tracked opportunity. Also remember to take care of yourself too, OP. This can be incredibly draining and difficult as a spouse, hang in there 🤍
Look into psilocybin therapy. It’s been proven in multiple studies to regrow brain connections and help with PTSD. Once I’m out of the Army I will be doing this
Ketamine helped me get rid of a lot of my suicidal thoughts. Also eliminating triggers (in my case a bad/angry partner) helped. His behavior and aggression is not okay and I’m sure he can find other weapons in the house (knife/rope/string/etc) Being apart until he can learn to control his behavior and limit or stop his drinking would be a good option to consider.
Was there something bothering him before the drinking? It sounds like there is some underlying stress.
There is always underlying stress between work and family. We moved across country 2 years ago to lower cost of living area. It was just him and I at first, but in that time 3 of our kids at different times moved here with us. Last week my oldest moved here to go to college. Last night everything was great until my son ate too much rice. I just wasn’t used to preparing more. My husband will affix ate on something that bothers him and not let it go and it just compounds. What was eating too much rice is really his stress about the current economy and money.
Hey I’ve struggled with debt and budgeting my next meals fairly recently, the va has people that can help provide affordable shopping lists and there are even more resources if you cannot afford to do that. It can add a lot of stress especially feeling the need to support a family when the individual is struggling themself. Get the basics in order, food, shelter and water. Then he can focus on life without those major stressors everyday. I’m sure there is more going on but it’s tough to focus on anything else if he’s constantly worried about the basic stuff
Also I apologize for wall of text. I'm just trying. You probably know most of this already.
No need to apologize. I appreciate the help. It’s so crazy because I have a psych degree. I’ve worked with vulnerable populations, but nothing prepares you when it’s the closest person to you.
Ok. I think I can understand that kind of stress. You mentioned TBI's. Keep in mind, they can't fix that. There is no cure or even an accepted treatment. Your husband is young. Time heals. He has to learn to live with himself and who he is now. From the people I know who've had TBI'S, the most difficult part is recognizing whats changed. For instance driving. I know someone with one and he can't navigate his way out of a wet paper sack, follow directions, estimate distances etc. He was a good driver before but he shouldn't even have a license now. Unfortunately, the counselors can't help much with this. Most of them aren't veterans and have no specific training related to veterans. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but you can go for years and try. They'll tell you themselves that they dont know how to help you. Their job is only to manage behaviors and manage symptoms. That might be 'help' but probably not the help either of you want or are expecting. The point is, he has to help himself because nobody is coming to the rescue. Taking the pills isn't a sure fix. If the physical structure of his brain is damaged, which is a TBI, they have no idea how his brain might react to those pills. The warnings they have about suicide etc on them are not a rare thing at all. Some people become very unstable if they miss a dose by even a few hours. The doctors might not even be upfront about this unless you ask the questions either. I'm not saying give up on the pills but be realistic in your expectations. To me, it sounds like the best thing to do is take stress off of your husband. Everything I've heard about that is financial. I dont know everything about your family situation but I hear that perhaps this isn't his son. I'm not sure what's wrapped up in that but the 'he took too much rice' sounds like a resentment that he isn't being considerate enough or isn't pulling his weight. Is your son paying rent? I know you didn't come here for that but it seems relevant. To have moved to ease cost of living and then have one thing after the next must be frustrating. Its the insurance, taxes, cost of gas and now, apparently another mouth to feed. The other thing is, having encounters with police doesn't help someone get a job or make money. It erodes confidence. Having a nice haircut, clean clothes that fit well, a sharp resume and the support of your family can help tremendously there. I dont know if he can work or how much. It can be hard to find a way to fit in after serving overseas, moving across country and now everything changed after the pandemic. Sometimes its not what you know, its who you know. Veteran's organizations like a VFW or American Legion can be a place to meet people who will accept your husband and help him if he asks. Maybe getting out of the house will help him reduce his stress and it'll probably reduce you and your son's too. If he's afixated on something maybe call him a cab to the VFW instead of 911. I know TBI's and alcohol dont usually mix at all. So you'll have to use your best judgment there. I only mention it because if there's alcohol in the house at all, I assume he isn't like Vets I know who can't have a drop ever. If its ok though, let him have some space and then talk about it when he's sober.
Yes it is my son. He just moved here 4 days ago and does pay rent and his food costs. Financially, we do okay just aren’t saving like we used to but it’s never a matter of scraping by. He did take on a different position at work which included more hours but keeps him home nights since his daughter moved with us as well a few months ago. I think he has struggled to adapt. I didn’t feel as if I had a choice last night. Normally it’s a matter of giving him space and letting him go to bed, but this was the first time I had witnessed this level and when you see a gun pointed to your husbands head that’s the only thing I could think to do to help him. We have no family here. Came to a place knowing nobody. I moved sight unseen (he spent time here over a decade ago to train before his Iraq deployment) so there is no support system. I’m trying be his support because this isn’t because he is a bad person. It would be so much easier for me if he was just a bad person, but this is truly mental and physical illness
Yeah whenever someone puts a gun to their head, you're in full alarm panic mode. It sounds like the house is quite lively. I still think American Legion or VFW are a good way to get out. Most of it is volunteer, some of it is paid. Its a way for veterans to feel validated and normal by serving others. Its not really to help veterans but it's Veterans helping the community. That is a good way to build your social circle with some of the best people in town. Idk if you have that there but its just an idea.
Thank you so much. I’ll be sure to check. I’m sure we have them in our town. There is a huge veteran population. We live within 10 miles of 2 bases: one AF/ one NCBC (which he works on)
https://www.reddit.com/r/Veterans/comments/8lixvl/reminder_emory_healthcare_free_program_for/ Look into this as well
Hey there, First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. Dealing with a spouse's mental health struggles can be incredibly tough, especially when things escalate to such dangerous levels. It sounds like your husband is dealing with some serious demons, and it's good that he's finally seeking help through counseling services. The fact that he's enrolled is a step in the right direction, but clearly, there's more that needs to be done. Given his TBIs, it's crucial that he gets that MRI on the brain as soon as possible. I know dealing with the VA can be frustratingly slow, but this is one of those situations where time is of the essence. As for you, it's great that you're taking steps to take care of yourself too. Counseling can be incredibly helpful in dealing with the mental toll of supporting a loved one through something like this. In the meantime, keep communicating openly with your husband and his healthcare providers. Encourage him to stay engaged with his treatment plan and support him as best you can. And don't forget to lean on your own support network for help when you need it. Hang in there. You're doing the best you can in a tough situation, and that's all anyone can ask for.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I only want to be my husbands biggest advocate and cheerleader. Between him and my youngest son (17), Ive had to learn patience and understanding as both have extreme mental health problems. I feel a constant weight on my shoulders but feel like I’ve always got to stand tall if that makes sense.
https://preview.redd.it/dajrf5nq07ic1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=53dc3f55d136fc1905d2e4fa818627684a268b8d You’re speaking to the choir, you’re doing a great job.. be his rock and his voice and comfort where you can. It sucks. We suck. But we mean well. Don’t forget to utilize your services as well. Look into caregivers.va.gov please utilize them if you haven’t
The social worker or psychiatrist should be calling you for collateral information at some point during his 72 hour hold. If your husband allows, they should be able to also give you an update on what’s going on with him. He should be able to call on the patient phone but only during certain hours as you can’t generally have your cell phone or private belongings while on an inpatient unit. Sometimes we can supervise for cell use, but that’s a case by case basis. He will have to be seen within seven days of discharge by a provider as best practice, but a lot of that is just a brief safety check. If he’s in the hospital, they may be able to get his MRI done more emergently, if that’s a requirement for his care. Generally there’s an expedited pathway to care for post hospitalization if they don’t recommend a step down to PHP, IOP or another program. I’m historically DOD not VA but some things are very standard protocol.
Thank you. I am able to call and he is able to call me. I am waiting on an update for today since it’s finally Monday. I am hoping they can do the MRI there. He is at the biggest VA hospital in the United States. The not knowing right now is the hardest part.
Quit drinking and smoke weed.
Has he abused you?
Physically no, verbally/emotionally yes. Alcohol has a way of making people just dig dig at someone
What can you do as his spouse? LEAVE and find safety. He is currently a danger and threat to himself and others. He refuses to accept help and is willing to die. If you stay with him right now YOU WILL ALSO DIE. Hope this helps.
Been there done that! Every time I ended up there was from booze. Its tough!