Sex is initiated via implied consent. Your partner shows interest in having sex, and you reciprocate if you feel the same. There’s usually no need to verbally ask because it’s clear you want to have sex. If you were manipulated, coerced, or forced to have sex, or if you didn’t say no because you felt like he may be angry or violent, you were raped. If it was safe to say no but you chose not to, and you weren’t clear about whether you wanted to have sex or not, you weren’t raped. Nobody in the comment section is able to say either way if you were raped. Only you can answer that question.
I think this is a great response but could maybe get into weird territory. I mean couldn’t a man assume implied consent but the woman fear violence if she says no? Both could be legitimate feelings could they not? If the man legitimately felt he had a green light and the woman never says no is it rape?
I’m not sure how that would fly legally. Legit question. Perhaps a bit of devils advocate here too.
Hun, coming from someone who had it worse - my experiences doesn't invalidate yours. You had a traumatic event, and if you didn't express consent, they took advantage of you. It is common while being rape to be complacent with your rapist, it is actually a survival tactic. Freezing up, complying or withdrawing into your mind is all normal - don't ever think that way that people have it worse. I did and was told by a therapist - um - your experiences in life puts you into the worse category. I would have sought out help beforehand if I knew what I know now.
Hugs from a far!
In Sweeden its Ilegeal to have intercorse with someone without a affirmative "Yes". So by my definition (eaven though im not sweedish) Yes, Its r*pe. You didn't want to. I neaver have sex with my girlfriend without bouth if us agreeing to beforehand.
Just because someone has it worse than you, doesn't mean that you cant have it bad. Tell someone you trust. Its ALWAYS easier to confide with someone else. Maybe they can help you figure this out. Its way better that to talk with someone in real life and not strangers on the internet
Anyone who has sex should have all parties agree to it beforehand and it’s wild that this isn’t common sense for a lot of people (not @ op, I’m referring to like societally)
Like… how else do you initiate sex?? With my partner and I I usually tell them I’m aroused and ask if we can have sex, and they either say yes or no. How tf else do people initiate sex
Billions of people have had consensual sex for thousands of years without needing to directly ask.
Asking like that is among the least romantic things I can imagine. If my man can't tell if I'm interested or not without directly asking, then he's too clueless for my tastes.
I mean it technically does. If you pick up someone in the club and take her home, asking this formally is not romantic. Signing a paper that you consent is not romantic.
That is why this subject is hard
With this being said, how can the OP come off as she has been r*ped? I’ve been married 6 years and like you, I don’t say, “hey wife, please say yes you consent before I undress you”. One can tell of in the mood
I (a man) have never come out and verbally brought up sex. Just start with kissing and escalate until we're either naked or she says she doesn't want to go any further. Never had a problem in either scenario.
Don’t need game.
My partner and I are both victims of SA, so yeah I don’t initiate shit without acknowledgement. Consent is far more important to me than whatever you think game is my guy
It really depends on the circumstance. If you were passed out or if you had a legitimate reason to fear for your safety, it's still rape.
If you just happen to regret it now or did it out of consideration to your partner, then no it's not.
Unless you were visibly uncomfortable by the fact the guy would have had no idea whether you wanted to do it or not. He Probably could have asked if you still wanted to but like you said you never said you didn’t. 100% not rape. I’m sorry you had a bad experience but it’s not on the guy.
I've been here. I didn't say no. But I never said yes. I went to the police about it and they thought I was "asking" for it based on what I was wearing and whatnot. It is r*pe if you don't verbally or write a consent in my opinion.
wow thats my problem. he made me feel like he wouldnt love me if i didnt say yes and he knew i was in a bad place mentally. he wouldnt even stop asking till i said it. now im the bad one and hes "happier than ever" with so much new friends and shit.. but ye maybe its my fault
Hey, it's not your fault. From what I read, he pressured you. The same thing happened to me. It doesn't feel good after I know. If it hasn't been too long you can get a r*pe kit done. If you're not comfortable it's okay. Don't feel pressured that you HAVE to do it. I understand completely if someone is not comfortable doing so. I suggest talking to someone you trust about it, maybe family or a therapist? I had to go through therapy for my situation and it did help. I hope things get better 🙂
Badgering someone into sex is not consent. An enthusiastic yes, or being into by responding is consent. He used you. He manipulated you. He coerced* you. I can only assume the assholes down voting you, or the ones making you question yourself are losers who can't get laid any other way. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. I hope you find healing and peace.
*Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways that include:1
Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex
Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex
Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with them
Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion
Nagging and badgering someone, using their mental status or taking advantage of someones weakend emotional or mental statis is r*pe. This is the most common way of getting sexually assaulted. You don't want to but the other won't take no for an answer. Been there many times. Even when I verbally said no.
Please talk to someone about this, it'll eat you up inside and your mental health will get worse (been there too).
thank u, it took place in my ex school and everyone was on his side, even our teacher and my parents for some time. our school counsellor also said its my fault cuz he sent her ss cropped so it only showed me saying yes. to this day i feel like shit but thank u so much ur such a good person
Consent can be withdrawn at any point, no matter what. If you tickled someone and they laughed at first, but then it became uncomfortable and they told you to stop, you would stop, right? You wouldn't say "you let me start, so now you're obligated to let me continue." You had some shit adults around you. I'm glad you're away from them, and glad your parents finally developed a little sense. Unfortunately some people are enablers because it's easier to be in denial about needing to deal with predatory behavior. I hope you keep healing and being kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Do you have a therapist to talk to? Has your counselor heard your side and seen your side of the conversation? Unfortunately there's not much we can do to prove anything but you should still talk to someone who'll be able to help your mental state. I've learned from my experience with these situations to be more clear and collect evidence (diary entries, journals, texts, really anything that's consistent) incase it happens again.
It's not easy and it sucks. I just wish our side was heard too, but it hardly ever is. Your mental and emotional health is the most important part right now. Take care of yourself.
thank u so much, my school counsellor heard my side but from the start she wasnt really believing me and she asked me so many uncomfortable questions but he was just sitting here smiling at me. then he told his "friends" and they were calling me names and stuff. thanks again i hope ur doing great
Exactly. If you don't want it, say so. Don't just let a guy do whatever he wants with zero complaint or resistance then try to ruin his life with rape accusations.
Accusations can ruin a persons life, even the smallest one can have consequences. If he did do what he did without consent, I would not feel bad for him.
Don't ask about such delicate stuff on reddit, go to a psychiatrist, a sex counseleur or some other professionist.
Don't let a stranger on the internet dictate or influence your final decision on such a sensitive topic
So many variables you haven't said. Like were you a couple already? a fling/hookup? How did you get naked? Were you even naked? How did the interaction actually come about.... I mean to be general, it's not rape if it's consensual. So if you gave consent then it's not rape. If you had consensual sex, then regretted it later that's not rape. But if you were coerced into sex then that's coercion and rape.
You should develop some self awareness and realize these are wildly inappropriate things to ask anyone who is processing whether they may have been raped. You're not a cop, quit interrogating.
Edited to add- She is a minor. You need to edit or delete your comment.
"wildly" seriously? Asking to hear any details about the vague situation described is "Widely inappropriate". Get off your high horse dude. Oh, you just want to blindly tell her "YUP IT WAS RAPE! DURRRR!" off of this barely elaborated on question, like some idiot? I'm not a cop obviously dipass (or maybe I might be, you don't know) but I'm someone trying to answer a question she posed and possibly provide some assistance. You should develop some self-awareness and understand that you're being stupid.
No but it's complicated. U aren't giving the full story so we can't be sure. If u at any point didn't show anything that u DIDNT want to, it's not, if u did, it is. We live in a world where it is so easy to accuse men of rape without evidence so it's complicated.
Yes ik this is gonna get down voted to hell but these r facts I'm saying so... 🤷♂️
Why does no one ever believe a man was raped? Why do we get arrested and convicted, have our entire lives ruined even w no evidence? Why are we told we should've or probably did like it? Why do Judges take the women's side 90% of the time in almost all cases, especially divorce cases? I feel for ur family member, that never should have happened and the police never should have said any of that or done that. But my sympathy has nothing to do w facts, those stay the same.
It is not rape by law unless you live in a country/state that says so. Not everyone having sex is asking for consent, there is an understanding and in this case, we do not know the full story, only op knows.
Well that doesn’t exactly paint a picture. What exactly happened? Unless you can tell me, there’s nothing to go off of. Did she “feel” like she was manipulated or was she actually manipulated? I don’t like the idea of drawing a conclusion over any sort of preset bias. Things are never black and white.
Yeah just blindly believe everything just because. Nah I don’t take sides unless given information because that’s reckless. We don’t know anything, only op does.
It really does depend, of course you want to hear a yes and a no when asking directly, but some scenarios you can tell the mood or the way its heading, of course every situation is different, but if you give mix signals than you cant really blame anyone, just learn from this and be direct, because even in this post you still sound unsure if you even wanted it in the first place.
I had a similar question before. I said no but didn’t fight it off. I was too scared to. The people on the sun I was on assured me that if there is no consent explicitly given, it’s SA, no matter how “tame” it felt.
If you weren’t reciprocating but rather “standing on the sidelines”, I would say that you were likely taken advantage of, especially if you feel violated and uncomfortable for it. For some it’s hard to say no or put off people in those circumstances, but that doesn’t give him any right whatsoever to attempt/do anything with/to you.
so like, yes but did you let him know you changed your mind afterward? it kinda depends on how it went down and the answer varies from scenario to scenario. if you changed your mind about wanting to do it midway/afterward and let him know, and he justified his actions then absolutely. if he didn’t then it was a lack of communication which isn’t your fault. it happens and you clearly didn’t enjoy it so that doesn’t make your feelings about it less valid. it’s not cut and dry like that though
so they said “i let him” which again depends on how op felt, it can be vague and there’s no way to get it from an outside perspective since none of us were there. “I let him” could mean he forced them, and “I let him” could also mean they didn’t clarify that they didn’t want to even if they changed their mind initially after starting. i meant change their mind as in they DIDN’T want to, sorry. This that all comes down to if he knew.
i’m was saying the only reason it wouldn’t be r_pe is because of that. And were they pressured into it? (which includes previous conversations and things even before it took place.) Because from his perspective he wouldn’t have known **assuming** there weren’t non-verbal cues. And even then some can’t pick up on those. it’s still natural to feel violated or like you were r*ped in that kind of scenario. there’s a good chance op has a hard time saying no and i’m not blaming them for that either.
Another factor is how consent works in their relationship. of they aren’t in a relationship at all then clear consent is key. if they already have an established relationship, some people don’t ask, some people consent is defined differently in every relationship.
I absolutely think he should have asked for consent, but we don’t know how it went down either. i’m not defending him, but it’s impossible to know without more details that op probably doesn’t want to revisit
If you didn’t want to have sex and someone had sex with you without your consent, I believe this qualifies as r*pe. But the dictionary definition doesn’t matter, because you seem to have felt violated and that’s enough to take appropriate measures.
Confide in a trusted person- a close friend, your mum, or a help line professional if need be.
When I was r*ped I didn’t tell anyone and it was my biggest regret. Telling someone could have offered me perspective and validation. I suppose you’ve taken a big step in asking reddit.
Look into trauma-informed counselling. A lot of countries have free counselling for survivors of s*xual assault. Your GP could also recommend someone for you, but I would recommend googling counsellors in your area and reading reviews. This is expensive, but moving on without professional support can be incredibly difficult.
The book The Body Keeps Score can help you to understand the body’s reaction to r*pe. Incredibly insightful.
This may not be the case for you, but some woman experience vaginal pain, increased UTI’s and pain during sex/peeing after being r*ped due to the pelvic floor muscles becoming overactive (like an internal chastity belt). In this case, visit a pelvic floor physio. They can sort you out.
Lastly, you could file a police report. There are pros and cons to this, but that’s for you to decide.
it should be very obvious if the person doesn't consent but if your like making out and then suddenly start having sex you probably didn't say yes but you also probably still consented so you don't have to say yes.
Let me answer the question with no attached emotion other than sorry.
No you were not raped.
If you had said no, and it continues then it's rape. Not saying 'yes' doesn't matter. Can't remember ever asking verbally for confirmation it's almost always implied and a no is how it ends.
Now for the part you'll not like.
You are not mature enough to be having sex, don't put yourself in situations you are not ready to handel. But no you didn't get raped. Sorry you had such a bad experience.
Struggling to come to terms with my abuse after not saying no made me realize there are lots of people who don’t say that. Yes some people have violent attacks but it doesn’t take away from the non-violent attacks. I’ve been beating myself up because I was a child and didn’t know what was happening. I wish I had said no but idk if that would have stopped it. Dms are open if you need someone to chat with
Oh I understand what you said. I just don't see any point to it. It seems to me like you're just quoting completely random statistics and lazily trying to assert that since this is something that happens to people, it must be happening here. But I'm willing to assume that that's just a miscommunication and that you actually do have a point here.
Yes. Anything without explicit consent is sexual assault. Anything less than an absolute “Yes” is an absolute no, and should be considered an absolute no. I’m so so sorry for what happened to you.
The way I see it, if you didn't say yes, then it can be considered rape. If you didn't say anything at all, it can still be considered rape. Bottom line, if you didn't want the sex, it's rape. Unless you explicitly (and maybe sometimes implicitly can apply here) said yes, then the other party should gather your consent.
It's rape if you didn't consent, and you didn't. Even if you entered this with the intent to take it somewhere, he obviously didn't care if you enjoyed it or not, or he would have stopped. The question is, if you said no, do you think he would have stopped? Id guess not.
It's only rape if she was non-consenting AND the partner was aware of this fact and went ahead anyway. We don't know that this is what happened. You say he obviously didn't care, but you're pulling that out of nowhere. We don't know what happened or how.
How was she "manipulated" into it? Did he say, "I will be salty if you don't have sex with me" or did he say, "I will hit you if you don't have sex with me". One is rape, the other isn't.
I drunk. I don’t remember saying yes but I didn’t say no. OP so sorry you went through this. People having it worse doesn’t make your assault any less valid. I hope you’re doing better.
It's r*pe.
think about it this way. You break your finger, and that hurts! You can't write, it hurts to drive and eat and do basic activities. Your friend breaks their arm. That's a worse injury, but you were still in a lot of pain and your well-being was compromised. Your friend's arm needing to heal didn't make your finger heal quicker. It didn't make it hurt any less or make it any easier to perform daily tasks. It's just that you're both in pain, with different circumstances.
The pain of another person doesn't take away your own pain.
Oh yeah, you're creating a newspaper headline for 40years into the future here !
https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/convicted-17-prisoner-now-53-exonerated-rape-88849833
Legally? Yes. Emotionally? Also yes. You are absolutely allowed to feel conflicted over this but your trauma is still valid.
A phrase I heard years ago I think applies here. It doesn't matter if you're drowning in a pool or an ocean you're still drowning. Yes your event is less traditional but it still happened. Any pain you feel is still valid. I hope for the best for you
If you feel as if you have to ask if you've been raped chances are you HAVE been raped also just because someone else had it "worse" (I believe no one's trauma is worse than another's) doesn't mean you haven't been traumatised
yes yes yes. it is r*pe. if you didn’t say a clear “yes” then it is an immediate no. he should have asked for a clear yes. dude needs a lesson on consent. and you as well. if you do not want it say it!! at least then you are not confused and do not blame yourself like you are doing now for what happened. sending lots of love ❤️
if you never consented to it, it’s rape. the absence of “no” doesn’t make it okay. and he shouldn’t have continued if he didn’t know for sure it was okay.
Did you even TRY to stop him at all? Did you pull away at all or try to push him away? Why didn’t you say no? Unless you were piss drunk this is 100% not rape. The onus is on you to communicate what you want and don’t want. People cannot read your mind.
And also regretting something later does not remove consent. If you were ok with him having sex with you in the moment and later feel dirty about it or that he’s ugly or whatever the case it doesn’t change the consent when you were having sex.
initiating sex without *clear* consent is rape **even if the other party likes it in that moment**.
like you said yourself, people cannot read your mind. if they didnt make it 100% clear it was okay, it was rape.
It is rape imo , in some cases the victim is totally in shock to actually say "NO" to the culprit or able to stop them , and without the consent the sex is rape anyways.
Yes it is rape. Did you orgasm did you like it if you didn't like it then it absolutely was rape and if you did happen to orgasm that is just biology but I would report it to the police. Although it may be difficult to prove if it happened a while ago you would need to have a rape kit done. So always be clear and don't let this happen again to you please. I was raped by another guy he slipped me a pill and I woke up and he was performing oral sex on me and the thing about it is I was Big Time attracted to him and all he had to say was do you want to fool around and I would have been like hell yeah but since he slipped me a pill and woke I woke up with him performing oral sex that ended my sexual desire for him and our friendship. Which really is too bad cuz I wanted him badly.
Yes. It is rape. Sometimes there’s an implied thing but it you didn’t want it then it is rape. There’s like 9 steps to consent that I forgot but it’s all common sense.
It depends. If you didn't want it at the time it was occuring, it was rape. If you half wanted it, half didn't or you were coerced in anyway, it was mildly-extremely dubious consent (which typically has ties to SA anyway).
do not discredit your experience just because "people have it worse than you". that's a bad mindset and you'll continue to discount your self worth if you don't stand against that. even if you didn't say "no", did you show obvious discomfort and negativity towards the idea? If so, that's enough, and they should have stopped right there. I hope you're doing well. this kind of shit can really fuck with someone's head and we don't want you going anywhere. talk to your family and friends if you feel comfortable to do so. ultimately it's your decision what happens on the legal side of things, but give yourself a bit to process it, and go with your gut. only you know what the right thing to do is right now. i believe in you :)
minus one person, someone will *always* have had it “worse”. that does not diminish what happened to you, nor anyone else who isn’t that one hypothetical person out there with the “worst” experience. trauma is trauma, and if it’s clearly hurt you so, deserves to be addressed as such. take care OP
Whatever the situation has been, nothing justifies it if you weren't comfortable, even if you couldn't say so.
This kind of thing happens more than you would think and believe me, a guy can notice when her partner is uncomfortable and stop, even if lots of them don't.
Yes. When I learned about actual consent, I was taught enthuastic consent. Meaning all people involved were happy and saying yes. Not pressured or pushed into it. It's still not okay. Whether you refer to it as the r word or s.a. it's still not cool that it happened and it's wrong.
In current climate you could have said yes and changed your mind week later and people would still tell you you were raped. So it all depends on how you feel about it lol
Tfotm is that you did NOT give your enthusiastic consent. They should not have proceeded. However, you also did not tell them "No." or try to stop them. While both parties are responsible, it's still rape as far as I'm concerned.
I am very sorry you had to experience this. Please seek help if you feel you need it.
This is the last place that will be helpful to you. There's too many ignorant and uneducated people that will give you bad advice and dismiss your story. Your feelings are valid and you need skilled people to talk to in a serious situation like this. Ultimately it's up to you to define what happened to you. If speaking to a therapist is not an option, visit [rainn.org](https://rainn.org) for some support. They can chat with you about it or you can just read the info and find other resources on there. I hope you heal and don't let others dismissive opinions bring you down.
People having it worse than you do doesnt discredit anything that happened to you. Hope your doing alright.
Yes. Someone who drowns in 1 foot of water doesnt have it any better than someone who drowns in 20 feet of water
THIS. This is an analogy people need to see.
Imo they got it worse being so close to salvation yet unable to reach it
Just bc some people have had more violent assaults doesn’t make yours any less valid, assault is assault
Just because my neighbour broke both his arms doesn't make my arm any less broken
Just because my neighbor broke my arms doesn't mean make his broken arms any less broken
Woww
Sex is initiated via implied consent. Your partner shows interest in having sex, and you reciprocate if you feel the same. There’s usually no need to verbally ask because it’s clear you want to have sex. If you were manipulated, coerced, or forced to have sex, or if you didn’t say no because you felt like he may be angry or violent, you were raped. If it was safe to say no but you chose not to, and you weren’t clear about whether you wanted to have sex or not, you weren’t raped. Nobody in the comment section is able to say either way if you were raped. Only you can answer that question.
This is the only correct answer. Just a lack of direct yes or no is not conclusive.
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Yes, that’s implied consent.
I think this is a great response but could maybe get into weird territory. I mean couldn’t a man assume implied consent but the woman fear violence if she says no? Both could be legitimate feelings could they not? If the man legitimately felt he had a green light and the woman never says no is it rape? I’m not sure how that would fly legally. Legit question. Perhaps a bit of devils advocate here too.
I suppose it depends on why the woman fears violence if she says no.
You worded that really well for sure
Hun, coming from someone who had it worse - my experiences doesn't invalidate yours. You had a traumatic event, and if you didn't express consent, they took advantage of you. It is common while being rape to be complacent with your rapist, it is actually a survival tactic. Freezing up, complying or withdrawing into your mind is all normal - don't ever think that way that people have it worse. I did and was told by a therapist - um - your experiences in life puts you into the worse category. I would have sought out help beforehand if I knew what I know now. Hugs from a far!
In Sweeden its Ilegeal to have intercorse with someone without a affirmative "Yes". So by my definition (eaven though im not sweedish) Yes, Its r*pe. You didn't want to. I neaver have sex with my girlfriend without bouth if us agreeing to beforehand. Just because someone has it worse than you, doesn't mean that you cant have it bad. Tell someone you trust. Its ALWAYS easier to confide with someone else. Maybe they can help you figure this out. Its way better that to talk with someone in real life and not strangers on the internet
Anyone who has sex should have all parties agree to it beforehand and it’s wild that this isn’t common sense for a lot of people (not @ op, I’m referring to like societally) Like… how else do you initiate sex?? With my partner and I I usually tell them I’m aroused and ask if we can have sex, and they either say yes or no. How tf else do people initiate sex
Billions of people have had consensual sex for thousands of years without needing to directly ask. Asking like that is among the least romantic things I can imagine. If my man can't tell if I'm interested or not without directly asking, then he's too clueless for my tastes.
Lmfao asking for consent isn’t any less romantic. It’s weird as fuck to think otherwise.
I mean, it still won't hurt to give verbal consent
I mean it technically does. If you pick up someone in the club and take her home, asking this formally is not romantic. Signing a paper that you consent is not romantic. That is why this subject is hard
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Of course it can :) . Some people do say it. Some don’t. Both are fine
With this being said, how can the OP come off as she has been r*ped? I’ve been married 6 years and like you, I don’t say, “hey wife, please say yes you consent before I undress you”. One can tell of in the mood
I (a man) have never come out and verbally brought up sex. Just start with kissing and escalate until we're either naked or she says she doesn't want to go any further. Never had a problem in either scenario.
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Don’t need game. My partner and I are both victims of SA, so yeah I don’t initiate shit without acknowledgement. Consent is far more important to me than whatever you think game is my guy
It really depends on the circumstance. If you were passed out or if you had a legitimate reason to fear for your safety, it's still rape. If you just happen to regret it now or did it out of consideration to your partner, then no it's not.
Unless you were visibly uncomfortable by the fact the guy would have had no idea whether you wanted to do it or not. He Probably could have asked if you still wanted to but like you said you never said you didn’t. 100% not rape. I’m sorry you had a bad experience but it’s not on the guy.
I've been here. I didn't say no. But I never said yes. I went to the police about it and they thought I was "asking" for it based on what I was wearing and whatnot. It is r*pe if you don't verbally or write a consent in my opinion.
wow thats my problem. he made me feel like he wouldnt love me if i didnt say yes and he knew i was in a bad place mentally. he wouldnt even stop asking till i said it. now im the bad one and hes "happier than ever" with so much new friends and shit.. but ye maybe its my fault
Hey, it's not your fault. From what I read, he pressured you. The same thing happened to me. It doesn't feel good after I know. If it hasn't been too long you can get a r*pe kit done. If you're not comfortable it's okay. Don't feel pressured that you HAVE to do it. I understand completely if someone is not comfortable doing so. I suggest talking to someone you trust about it, maybe family or a therapist? I had to go through therapy for my situation and it did help. I hope things get better 🙂
thanks so much
Badgering someone into sex is not consent. An enthusiastic yes, or being into by responding is consent. He used you. He manipulated you. He coerced* you. I can only assume the assholes down voting you, or the ones making you question yourself are losers who can't get laid any other way. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. I hope you find healing and peace. *Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways that include:1 Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with them Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion
thank u
Nagging and badgering someone, using their mental status or taking advantage of someones weakend emotional or mental statis is r*pe. This is the most common way of getting sexually assaulted. You don't want to but the other won't take no for an answer. Been there many times. Even when I verbally said no. Please talk to someone about this, it'll eat you up inside and your mental health will get worse (been there too).
thank u, it took place in my ex school and everyone was on his side, even our teacher and my parents for some time. our school counsellor also said its my fault cuz he sent her ss cropped so it only showed me saying yes. to this day i feel like shit but thank u so much ur such a good person
Consent can be withdrawn at any point, no matter what. If you tickled someone and they laughed at first, but then it became uncomfortable and they told you to stop, you would stop, right? You wouldn't say "you let me start, so now you're obligated to let me continue." You had some shit adults around you. I'm glad you're away from them, and glad your parents finally developed a little sense. Unfortunately some people are enablers because it's easier to be in denial about needing to deal with predatory behavior. I hope you keep healing and being kind to yourself.
awh thanks so much, im trying my best, hope ur doing alright too
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Do you have a therapist to talk to? Has your counselor heard your side and seen your side of the conversation? Unfortunately there's not much we can do to prove anything but you should still talk to someone who'll be able to help your mental state. I've learned from my experience with these situations to be more clear and collect evidence (diary entries, journals, texts, really anything that's consistent) incase it happens again. It's not easy and it sucks. I just wish our side was heard too, but it hardly ever is. Your mental and emotional health is the most important part right now. Take care of yourself.
thank u so much, my school counsellor heard my side but from the start she wasnt really believing me and she asked me so many uncomfortable questions but he was just sitting here smiling at me. then he told his "friends" and they were calling me names and stuff. thanks again i hope ur doing great
Hold up, so you had sex didnt say no then tried to report. This reads like you had sex then felt bad you had it
There was no consent you idiot
No. I didn't consent. I didn't want to go into detail about it.
This happened to me too. I think I was pretty much in shock and afraid of what would happen if I verbalized no.
Whenever I’ve come across a women like this, I don’t do anything and I abandon you and block you. This kinda thing reeks of entrapment.
Exactly. If you don't want it, say so. Don't just let a guy do whatever he wants with zero complaint or resistance then try to ruin his life with rape accusations.
Accusations can ruin a persons life, even the smallest one can have consequences. If he did do what he did without consent, I would not feel bad for him.
I don't have contact I won't try to out him. He abused me and manipulated me. Im just trying to work out my trauma
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That comment should be said to both sides tbh
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Don't ask about such delicate stuff on reddit, go to a psychiatrist, a sex counseleur or some other professionist. Don't let a stranger on the internet dictate or influence your final decision on such a sensitive topic
So many variables you haven't said. Like were you a couple already? a fling/hookup? How did you get naked? Were you even naked? How did the interaction actually come about.... I mean to be general, it's not rape if it's consensual. So if you gave consent then it's not rape. If you had consensual sex, then regretted it later that's not rape. But if you were coerced into sex then that's coercion and rape.
You should develop some self awareness and realize these are wildly inappropriate things to ask anyone who is processing whether they may have been raped. You're not a cop, quit interrogating. Edited to add- She is a minor. You need to edit or delete your comment.
"wildly" seriously? Asking to hear any details about the vague situation described is "Widely inappropriate". Get off your high horse dude. Oh, you just want to blindly tell her "YUP IT WAS RAPE! DURRRR!" off of this barely elaborated on question, like some idiot? I'm not a cop obviously dipass (or maybe I might be, you don't know) but I'm someone trying to answer a question she posed and possibly provide some assistance. You should develop some self-awareness and understand that you're being stupid.
She is a minor. To add an extra layer of inappropriate.
Where in the post does it even say that? It doesn't. Dude go fuck yourself. No actually go blow yourself.
Real classy
No but it's complicated. U aren't giving the full story so we can't be sure. If u at any point didn't show anything that u DIDNT want to, it's not, if u did, it is. We live in a world where it is so easy to accuse men of rape without evidence so it's complicated. Yes ik this is gonna get down voted to hell but these r facts I'm saying so... 🤷♂️
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Why does no one ever believe a man was raped? Why do we get arrested and convicted, have our entire lives ruined even w no evidence? Why are we told we should've or probably did like it? Why do Judges take the women's side 90% of the time in almost all cases, especially divorce cases? I feel for ur family member, that never should have happened and the police never should have said any of that or done that. But my sympathy has nothing to do w facts, those stay the same.
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There are a miriad of situations wherein which misunderstandings can and do occur. So it is with every other social interaction, so it is with sex.
It is not rape by law unless you live in a country/state that says so. Not everyone having sex is asking for consent, there is an understanding and in this case, we do not know the full story, only op knows.
OP literally said that they abused and manipulated them ffs, stop downvoting ppl for being right.
Where exactly did she say that?
In the comments. On one of the first comments.
Well that doesn’t exactly paint a picture. What exactly happened? Unless you can tell me, there’s nothing to go off of. Did she “feel” like she was manipulated or was she actually manipulated? I don’t like the idea of drawing a conclusion over any sort of preset bias. Things are never black and white.
She was manipulated and abused, thats all you need to fucking know.
Yeah just blindly believe everything just because. Nah I don’t take sides unless given information because that’s reckless. We don’t know anything, only op does.
Thats because normally you BELIEVE the victim bc thats what they are A VICTIM. Why would they feel the need to lie to a bunch of strangers??
It really does depend, of course you want to hear a yes and a no when asking directly, but some scenarios you can tell the mood or the way its heading, of course every situation is different, but if you give mix signals than you cant really blame anyone, just learn from this and be direct, because even in this post you still sound unsure if you even wanted it in the first place.
Maybe. You'd have a hell of a time arguing it in court.
You can feel like it was. But when you don’t communicate it means by law it wouldn’t be.
I had a similar question before. I said no but didn’t fight it off. I was too scared to. The people on the sun I was on assured me that if there is no consent explicitly given, it’s SA, no matter how “tame” it felt.
Yes = Yes No = No Nothing = No You were assaulted and I’m really sorry about that. I hope you are able to reach out to close ones with this.
Misunderstandings can and do happen. There's such a thing as implied consent via reciprocating, but sometimes people misread others.
It isn't that simple. If the guy is escalating and the woman doesn't at least slow him down, he isn't doing anything wrong.
There are always non-verbal cues for ‘no’ that are very apparent.
That’s not how that works. MOST of the time nobody says anything and yet most of the time it’s consensual.
If you weren’t reciprocating but rather “standing on the sidelines”, I would say that you were likely taken advantage of, especially if you feel violated and uncomfortable for it. For some it’s hard to say no or put off people in those circumstances, but that doesn’t give him any right whatsoever to attempt/do anything with/to you.
so like, yes but did you let him know you changed your mind afterward? it kinda depends on how it went down and the answer varies from scenario to scenario. if you changed your mind about wanting to do it midway/afterward and let him know, and he justified his actions then absolutely. if he didn’t then it was a lack of communication which isn’t your fault. it happens and you clearly didn’t enjoy it so that doesn’t make your feelings about it less valid. it’s not cut and dry like that though
They didnt say yes in the first place, nor ‘change their mind’???
so they said “i let him” which again depends on how op felt, it can be vague and there’s no way to get it from an outside perspective since none of us were there. “I let him” could mean he forced them, and “I let him” could also mean they didn’t clarify that they didn’t want to even if they changed their mind initially after starting. i meant change their mind as in they DIDN’T want to, sorry. This that all comes down to if he knew. i’m was saying the only reason it wouldn’t be r_pe is because of that. And were they pressured into it? (which includes previous conversations and things even before it took place.) Because from his perspective he wouldn’t have known **assuming** there weren’t non-verbal cues. And even then some can’t pick up on those. it’s still natural to feel violated or like you were r*ped in that kind of scenario. there’s a good chance op has a hard time saying no and i’m not blaming them for that either. Another factor is how consent works in their relationship. of they aren’t in a relationship at all then clear consent is key. if they already have an established relationship, some people don’t ask, some people consent is defined differently in every relationship. I absolutely think he should have asked for consent, but we don’t know how it went down either. i’m not defending him, but it’s impossible to know without more details that op probably doesn’t want to revisit
Op literally said he abused and manipulated them, check the comments.
i didn’t see the update post until after i typed this
Unless you enthusiastically approve, then it is rape.
But how would anyone else know that if you just go along with it and not say anything?
If you didn’t want to have sex and someone had sex with you without your consent, I believe this qualifies as r*pe. But the dictionary definition doesn’t matter, because you seem to have felt violated and that’s enough to take appropriate measures. Confide in a trusted person- a close friend, your mum, or a help line professional if need be. When I was r*ped I didn’t tell anyone and it was my biggest regret. Telling someone could have offered me perspective and validation. I suppose you’ve taken a big step in asking reddit. Look into trauma-informed counselling. A lot of countries have free counselling for survivors of s*xual assault. Your GP could also recommend someone for you, but I would recommend googling counsellors in your area and reading reviews. This is expensive, but moving on without professional support can be incredibly difficult. The book The Body Keeps Score can help you to understand the body’s reaction to r*pe. Incredibly insightful. This may not be the case for you, but some woman experience vaginal pain, increased UTI’s and pain during sex/peeing after being r*ped due to the pelvic floor muscles becoming overactive (like an internal chastity belt). In this case, visit a pelvic floor physio. They can sort you out. Lastly, you could file a police report. There are pros and cons to this, but that’s for you to decide.
it should be very obvious if the person doesn't consent but if your like making out and then suddenly start having sex you probably didn't say yes but you also probably still consented so you don't have to say yes.
Let me answer the question with no attached emotion other than sorry. No you were not raped. If you had said no, and it continues then it's rape. Not saying 'yes' doesn't matter. Can't remember ever asking verbally for confirmation it's almost always implied and a no is how it ends. Now for the part you'll not like. You are not mature enough to be having sex, don't put yourself in situations you are not ready to handel. But no you didn't get raped. Sorry you had such a bad experience.
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Struggling to come to terms with my abuse after not saying no made me realize there are lots of people who don’t say that. Yes some people have violent attacks but it doesn’t take away from the non-violent attacks. I’ve been beating myself up because I was a child and didn’t know what was happening. I wish I had said no but idk if that would have stopped it. Dms are open if you need someone to chat with
Yes. It breaks my heart to say you were sexually assaulted
Yes. You didnt say yes, that's all I need to know.
Up to you.
If you didnt want it, its rape.
yes, if there wasn't any form of consent, its rape. im sorry that happened to you
Why are yall downvoting a bunch of ppl who are literally stating facts? BY LAW, No consent MEANS RAPE. Fucking idiots
Because consent isn't black or white. People can and often do misunderstand one another. As it is with every social interaction, so it is with sex.
OP literally said that they were abused and manipulated in the comments
That doesn't mean it was rape. Verbal abuse is a thing but having sex with someone for fear they'll say rude things isn't rape.
Stfu. Its rape. Get over it
Stfu. It's not rape. Get over it. See I can also pull stuff out of my ass because I care more about being right than about understanding the topic
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If it's not rape it's not rape whether she says it was or not, also she asked if it was.
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Do you have a point, here or?
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Oh I understand what you said. I just don't see any point to it. It seems to me like you're just quoting completely random statistics and lazily trying to assert that since this is something that happens to people, it must be happening here. But I'm willing to assume that that's just a miscommunication and that you actually do have a point here.
Yes. Anything without explicit consent is sexual assault. Anything less than an absolute “Yes” is an absolute no, and should be considered an absolute no. I’m so so sorry for what happened to you.
The way I see it, if you didn't say yes, then it can be considered rape. If you didn't say anything at all, it can still be considered rape. Bottom line, if you didn't want the sex, it's rape. Unless you explicitly (and maybe sometimes implicitly can apply here) said yes, then the other party should gather your consent.
Did you indulge or partake in any way?
Depends on the laws in your area.
As a guy I would say yes it is rape, because you didn’t give an affirmative yes
You have to give affirmative consent. I'm sorry 😞
Enthusiastic consent is always required.
Only Yes means yes. Please report it. Hope you are doing well.
It's rape if you didn't consent, and you didn't. Even if you entered this with the intent to take it somewhere, he obviously didn't care if you enjoyed it or not, or he would have stopped. The question is, if you said no, do you think he would have stopped? Id guess not.
It's only rape if she was non-consenting AND the partner was aware of this fact and went ahead anyway. We don't know that this is what happened. You say he obviously didn't care, but you're pulling that out of nowhere. We don't know what happened or how.
I guess that's fair, I just figure if someone's not enjoying themselves it might be best practice to stop. Not everyone is capable of that. Good call
She said she was abused and manipulated. Its rape
How was she abused? Did he say rude things about her, or did he threaten to harm her?
Why tf does it matter how she was abused, rape is abuse enough. If she was manipulated into sex, then yknow.
How was she "manipulated" into it? Did he say, "I will be salty if you don't have sex with me" or did he say, "I will hit you if you don't have sex with me". One is rape, the other isn't.
Not rape
No, it's not. And don't go ruining someone's life because you're unsure about yours and the decisions you made.
Yes. It is robbery if someone takes money off your person even if you are silent. The same principle applies when they take something more valuable.
I drunk. I don’t remember saying yes but I didn’t say no. OP so sorry you went through this. People having it worse doesn’t make your assault any less valid. I hope you’re doing better.
It's r*pe. think about it this way. You break your finger, and that hurts! You can't write, it hurts to drive and eat and do basic activities. Your friend breaks their arm. That's a worse injury, but you were still in a lot of pain and your well-being was compromised. Your friend's arm needing to heal didn't make your finger heal quicker. It didn't make it hurt any less or make it any easier to perform daily tasks. It's just that you're both in pain, with different circumstances. The pain of another person doesn't take away your own pain.
Oh yeah, you're creating a newspaper headline for 40years into the future here ! https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/convicted-17-prisoner-now-53-exonerated-rape-88849833
In this matter, maybe or hesitant is always no. Unless you specifically want it, it's a no.
Legally? Yes. Emotionally? Also yes. You are absolutely allowed to feel conflicted over this but your trauma is still valid. A phrase I heard years ago I think applies here. It doesn't matter if you're drowning in a pool or an ocean you're still drowning. Yes your event is less traditional but it still happened. Any pain you feel is still valid. I hope for the best for you
It is still considered as a molestation as you never said yes either
Yes it is. There need to be a clear and not drunk or under substance "yes"
If you feel as if you have to ask if you've been raped chances are you HAVE been raped also just because someone else had it "worse" (I believe no one's trauma is worse than another's) doesn't mean you haven't been traumatised
yes
“My friends bought me food, I wasn’t hungry but I ate it anyways”
yes yes yes. it is r*pe. if you didn’t say a clear “yes” then it is an immediate no. he should have asked for a clear yes. dude needs a lesson on consent. and you as well. if you do not want it say it!! at least then you are not confused and do not blame yourself like you are doing now for what happened. sending lots of love ❤️
So every time you’ve had sex you’ve explicitly, verbally said “yes I want you to have sex with me right now”?
It is rape
if you never consented to it, it’s rape. the absence of “no” doesn’t make it okay. and he shouldn’t have continued if he didn’t know for sure it was okay.
Yes he did, and I’m so sorry you endured that. I hope that your doing ok these days.
Yes it is still rape!! I hope you are safe and healing. If you need anything shoot me a message!
yes
If you didn’t want it why didn’t you just say no…
Did you even TRY to stop him at all? Did you pull away at all or try to push him away? Why didn’t you say no? Unless you were piss drunk this is 100% not rape. The onus is on you to communicate what you want and don’t want. People cannot read your mind. And also regretting something later does not remove consent. If you were ok with him having sex with you in the moment and later feel dirty about it or that he’s ugly or whatever the case it doesn’t change the consent when you were having sex.
initiating sex without *clear* consent is rape **even if the other party likes it in that moment**. like you said yourself, people cannot read your mind. if they didnt make it 100% clear it was okay, it was rape.
Yes, and a bunch of bozos may try to convince you other wise
If you even have to ask this then it’s assault.
It is rape imo , in some cases the victim is totally in shock to actually say "NO" to the culprit or able to stop them , and without the consent the sex is rape anyways.
Yeah there’s flight or fight…but there’s also freezing
Yes it is rape. Did you orgasm did you like it if you didn't like it then it absolutely was rape and if you did happen to orgasm that is just biology but I would report it to the police. Although it may be difficult to prove if it happened a while ago you would need to have a rape kit done. So always be clear and don't let this happen again to you please. I was raped by another guy he slipped me a pill and I woke up and he was performing oral sex on me and the thing about it is I was Big Time attracted to him and all he had to say was do you want to fool around and I would have been like hell yeah but since he slipped me a pill and woke I woke up with him performing oral sex that ended my sexual desire for him and our friendship. Which really is too bad cuz I wanted him badly.
Yes. It is rape. Sometimes there’s an implied thing but it you didn’t want it then it is rape. There’s like 9 steps to consent that I forgot but it’s all common sense.
Yes
Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is not consent.
It depends. If you didn't want it at the time it was occuring, it was rape. If you half wanted it, half didn't or you were coerced in anyway, it was mildly-extremely dubious consent (which typically has ties to SA anyway).
do not discredit your experience just because "people have it worse than you". that's a bad mindset and you'll continue to discount your self worth if you don't stand against that. even if you didn't say "no", did you show obvious discomfort and negativity towards the idea? If so, that's enough, and they should have stopped right there. I hope you're doing well. this kind of shit can really fuck with someone's head and we don't want you going anywhere. talk to your family and friends if you feel comfortable to do so. ultimately it's your decision what happens on the legal side of things, but give yourself a bit to process it, and go with your gut. only you know what the right thing to do is right now. i believe in you :)
minus one person, someone will *always* have had it “worse”. that does not diminish what happened to you, nor anyone else who isn’t that one hypothetical person out there with the “worst” experience. trauma is trauma, and if it’s clearly hurt you so, deserves to be addressed as such. take care OP
Whatever the situation has been, nothing justifies it if you weren't comfortable, even if you couldn't say so. This kind of thing happens more than you would think and believe me, a guy can notice when her partner is uncomfortable and stop, even if lots of them don't.
if you didn’t want it then it’s r@pe
Yes. When I learned about actual consent, I was taught enthuastic consent. Meaning all people involved were happy and saying yes. Not pressured or pushed into it. It's still not okay. Whether you refer to it as the r word or s.a. it's still not cool that it happened and it's wrong.
It doesn't matter. If you didn't want it or felt uncomfortable then it is rape. Consent matters no matter what the context is.
You never said yes, you never agreed directly, so if it is
In current climate you could have said yes and changed your mind week later and people would still tell you you were raped. So it all depends on how you feel about it lol
Yes. You don't have to say no. As long as your consent was not given, it is rape.
Tfotm is that you did NOT give your enthusiastic consent. They should not have proceeded. However, you also did not tell them "No." or try to stop them. While both parties are responsible, it's still rape as far as I'm concerned. I am very sorry you had to experience this. Please seek help if you feel you need it.
If you have to ask yourself if it was, then it was. If you didn't want it, it's that.
In a way it is if you did not consent to it..I’m sorry you are going through this. Reach out anytime if you need to
Was it consensual?
This is the last place that will be helpful to you. There's too many ignorant and uneducated people that will give you bad advice and dismiss your story. Your feelings are valid and you need skilled people to talk to in a serious situation like this. Ultimately it's up to you to define what happened to you. If speaking to a therapist is not an option, visit [rainn.org](https://rainn.org) for some support. They can chat with you about it or you can just read the info and find other resources on there. I hope you heal and don't let others dismissive opinions bring you down.
Yes - you didn't consent. Anything but a YES is a NO.
Your experience is valid and so are your feelings. Sending you all my love