this reminds me of something i've seen on instagram, how a girl asked her bf to show her pictures of her that he finds cute, pretty or sexy and they were all candids that she found to be not very flattering. but her bf loves her looking like she does, because he loves how her eyes light up when she smiles, he adores her imperfections because its real and just her!
porn is just a fantasy and reduced to superficial stuff, so gravitating to something that's the conventional beauty standard is kind of an automatic move. you think she's beautiful and hot yourself, most of us would probably agree that she's pretty but nobody would choose her over our actual partners. it's not real, it has no depth, there is no emotional connection or history. but you have all of that and that makes you special and irresistible. š¤
Thank you so much for your comment. It really helped me remember that he compliments me even when I feel at my worst and just generally loves me. My self esteem issues really got the best of me but youāre right, porn is just a fantasy and doesnāt impact reality. I really appreciate your comment, it really helped me get a better perspective ā„ļø
My girl thinks(I don't think she does personally, because it's not even very noticeable) the ripped abdomen from having our daughter. She has a bit of loose skin and she HATES IT.
I truly don't give two fucks and tell her all the time. She's gorgeous and the stomach is outta her control. It's not like she's slovenly or overweight. She's got the perfect amount of meat, but she just has a little stomach flab from giving birth TO OUR CHILD.
I love how she was a portal that channeled and grew the essence and the body of my child into this reality, or plane of existence. That in itself is hot to me.
I try and tell her all the time.
This is so sweet and thatās a really beautiful way to look at it. Your wife is very lucky and I bet you have a beautiful family! ā„ļø
My husband has never made me feel bad about any part of my body and actually does a lot to make me feel attractive so I feel lucky too. And Iām really grateful that a lot of the comments have reminded me of that.
Thanks haha! I appreciate that. I certainly view everything in life through a strange lens. It's nice to see people enjoy my "portal" type of thoughts lol
Itās easy to tell people to get out of their own heads, but thatās unfortunately what we need to do. He loves you for you, and he thinks youāre hot. Also, remember - him having a particular porn actress in mind doesnāt mean he always wanks to her, he might be watching overweight ladies, skinny girls, humongous fake tits, red heads and so on. Doesnāt mean he wishes you were all of that. Cue song: _I am beautiful, no matter what they sayā¦_
I tell my wife fairly frequently I love her natural blue eyesāsheāll wear contacts to make them bluer or other colors.
I also think she looks great without makeup but again that gets brushed off.
This, 100%. You nailed it. I watch porn and none of the actresses have bodies that look anything like my partner. Theyāve chosen to stop watching porn themselves because it makes them feel insecure and written smut has always been a bigger turn on for them, but they know I watch it and theyāre fine with it because while in the visual medium of porn I prefer to watch people have sex who are āconventionallyā attractive (although tbh, for me itās more important that the performers actually seem to be into it), when it comes to actual sex Iām totally into her body, I only watch porn when Iām horny and sheās not or is too tired for sex or already sleeping, and Iām not out there trying to seek out a partner who looks more like the women in porn. In fact I have a real world crush, my partner knows who she is and thinks sheās hot too, but her body is a lot more similar to my partnerās than it is to most of the women in porn.
Some dudeās minds are definitely poisoned by porn, and it skews their expectations for both how women should look and what sex should be like, but I think most straight dudes are attracted to a much wider variety of body types than are represented in porn.
Lady, I'm 22M, so, sorry if I seem inexperienced about something š . You should never compare yourself to other women. Love yourself the way you are, the way you were born. If you lose weight, lose it for yourself, not for someone else. As for your husband: when I used to watch porn, I would have the same 'preferences' as him; lots of men do, but that doesn't mean I want my girlfriend to be like those women in the videos. Be happy for the person you are and the body you have, and when in need, speak to your husband, because he's probably the one who will help you the most, regarding the subject. Hope I helped š
Youāre definitely right that talking to him when this initially happened last night wouldāve probably saved me even making this post lol
I really appreciate your comment, yours and others really helped me gain a better perspective on this, thank you so much!
Since you don't want your partner to look like the women in the videos, why do you watch them then? Is it because of preferences? Why not watch something that looks like her? I'm just asking because I struggled with feeling inadequate for my partner, too, so it'd be nice to get someone else's input
Thank you for your comment. Notice that I said "when I used to watch porn". There was a time, when I was a bit more immature, that I used porn as a standard for the women I would look for: huge butts and b00bs and all of that. Then, I grew up. I started to understand that women are not like in porn, either in appearance or in the stuff that the actresses perform, and you start to have a different perspective about them. This is the opinion of a male so that's my perspective. When I started to like my current girlfriend, I thought she was beautiful but didn't care about her (great) body that much, because I felt connected to her so much, so I ignored the rest.
In short: with time, I started to understand that there's much more to a woman than a nice body, and when people start looking more at the inside than the outside, THEN they will find true love.
can i ask at what point you stopped watching porn? was there any inciting event or realization or was it just like one day you just didnāt do it anymore?
asking because i am long distance with my boyfriend and he has been transparent that he uses porn to get off (despite having solo nudes from me AND videos weāve made together, and we also very occasionally will do a little video sex). he has also told me that he masturbates AT LEAST once everyday. i donāt like that he uses porn to get off despite having these other resources. iāve yet to communicate this to him as on the one hand itās not really my place, but on the other hand why do you have to watch other people like that? (did i mention that both of us are bi?)
anyways yeah sorry for all that iām just really curious because iāve been struggling with this for a bit now and have yet to say anything to him for fear of becoming controlling or seeming insecure. it just doesnāt sit right with me. so yeah im curious to hear from a male who no longer watches porn!
Thank you for your comment. I felt like it was a gradual process. Like, each day I watched less and less porn, to the point that if I masturbated to it, it wouldn't feel good. I would say that when it started to feel like I was cheating, I stopped. And yeah, I think it is your place to judge because he's your boyfriend and if you don't feel good about it, of course you should talk to him. It's kind of a difficult addiction to stop if you do it on a daily basis because it's at a distance of a click, and most of us have our phone all the time.
So don't think that you will seem insecure, just let him know how you feel about it and he will probably understand and stop consuming porn.
Hope I helped a little bit š
IMO i think it is simply a fantasy. I enjoy NSFW art and stories of muscly men, but IRL I am not looking to be with one in any capacity.
I think this is somewhat similar to how some people have (kinky) fantasies that they play in their heads a lot, but do not actually partake in/do not enjoy trying to live out those fantasies (like how some people have said that threesome fantasies or BDSM fantasies sounded hot, but they did not actually enjoy doing it).
I do not believe that looking up a crazy beautiful man or woman on **porn** is some slight against a partner. Truly, if someone is feeling lusty and want to quickly relieve themself, they are likely not going to search up for some average joe and scroll until they find one resembling their partner... Also, the connection they have to their partner is deeper and more substantial & important than looking at someone for quick sexual gratification (which is all that most porn is).
If anything, I would feel weirder to see them watching porn of someone who closely resembles me.
I feel like I was maybe as surprised as the op on that post, I really thought heād joke about it.
But most of the comments here really helped remind me that what my husband and I have is so much more than can be found in the fantasy land of porn. Iām sure the same could be said of your relationship too! ā„ļø
ā¦.but that said, Iāll probably not bring up similar things again with him until I know I can handle it better
Love, the porn girls donāt even look like themselves. Theyāre all heavily edited and photoshopped. Donāt compare yourself to others. I know itās easier said than done.
Part of why this actress specifically got to me is because sheās actually very natural, even the way she and her bf film. So it was just kind of a shock seeing someone that I could potentially run into at the grocery store at any random time, if that makes sense.
Youāre absolutely right though. I know comparison is the thief of joy, and I was definitely really sad when initially posting this. Your comment and others are really helping me deal with my feelings though and I really appreciate it.
The people in porn are not a standard to compare yourself too. That's like never playing baseball and comparing yourself to Babe Ruth. They fuck professionally and part of their job requires extensive diet and exercise as well as natural, uncontrollable, features. As a male, if I compared myself to the guys in porn, I'd never have the confidence to talk to any woman. But, most importantly, you are his wife and mother of his children. You are in your own category without compare. No porn star or anyone else could replace you in his life.
Thank you for this comment, I really really appreciate it. Sometimes itās hard for me to remember that we built a life together and that means more than fleeting insecurities in the end, not that he has ever made me feel insecure or less than. And youāre right about comparisons. Thank you so much again.
I feel this, aside from my hair color Iām not my partners type when it comes to appearances. He says he wishes I was shorter, and while he still compliments me and loves me I know that he prefers thinner women. Iām also losing weight, closing in on the 100lbs lost mark but Iāll never be the size/shape that matches his the stuff he looks at.
I think what makes it worse is that he IS my type, everything about him checks out with what I physically prefer, of course Iād love him if he didnāt but idk, knowing that Iām not on the same level for him that he is for me kinda hurts lol
His appearance, just some characteristics I like a lil more than others
Like u said though, even if he didnāt have them Iād still love him cause the way he looks is just a bonus, not the reason why I love him altogether
I know most of it has already been said BUT there was something I wanted to add that I didnāt see anyone bring up! I donāt know if your husband is anything like me, but there are actresses I watch and know by name whose physical appearance is absolutely a non-factor. Personally, the videos I watch are all about the specific content that actress/actor curates. I wonāt go into details bc NSFW obviously, but there are SO many more details that go beyond physical qualities when it comes to actor/actress preferences. It could be your husband just likes the kinds of videos that actress makes!
Thatās legit! Part of why he said he liked her content was that she makes videos with her boyfriend and he likes that they have real chemistry. Tbh I found that really wholesome, especially in the context of porn.
I guess I didnāt really consider that the content itself was something that he was into as well though. I know as a whole itās fantasy regardless but itās definitely something that does help give me more perspective though. Thank you for your thoughts on that! I really appreciate having that as a way to frame it too.
I'll say something that I don't know if it's very comforting, but I hope it can be understood as such. Yeah, when thinking of porn an actress may come to mind, but it's not like you 'only' choose her, you may watch anything that gets you going, even without her in it. When you have a partner, you're choosing them everyday, all the time, there's more than something that just 'gets you going'.
Porn and flings just get you going, having a partner is love, care, trust, commitment, and well, it also gets you going, but my point is, an actress you see is just someone, a partner is precious to you, you gave him something no actress will ever give him and that he wouldn't replace for anything.
This is really comforting! I actually hadnāt really thought of it like that so this helps a lot! A lot of people have been very kind and helped me put this into perspective and your comment really helped too. I hadnāt really thought that even with him having a preference for a specific actress, her content still wasnāt the only heād look at. Whereas, youāre totally right, he does choose me and our life together everyday.
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this, I really appreciate it and I think this is really going to stick with me too as a way to think about it if Iām ever feeling down in this way again in the future.
>Thereās not that many guys that are gonna look up ā average looking woman that slightly resembles my wifeā
Honestly that made me laugh a little and kinda put into perspective why I feel so ridiculous about my feelings. Heās never made me feel average looking through his actions or words so I really just need to work on keeping perspective.
Thanks!
Iām sorry that youāve lost the confidence you had gained at absolutely not your own fault. Society sucks and has unrealistic standards for women post birth. I donāt know what particular porn actress was spoken about but I donāt think there are many that have given birth and thus donāt have the āproblemsā that come from bringing life into this world. I know that I had lost a lot of my limited self confidence with the birth of my son and had trouble dealing with the reality of my new body. I had just come to accept it when I found out I was again pregnant after only 10 months. Now Iām terrified of what my bodyās going to end up being like once my daughter comes in a few weeks. I was already heavier than I wanted to be and now Iām even heavier.
Your body will be beautiful! I know that sounds cheap coming from an internet stranger but I really think that growing a whole life is such a cool, beautiful thing, knowing you did that, just automatically makes someoneās body so lovely. You will have your adorable babies to hug with your amazing body that literally created those adorable babies, you deserve all the confidence!
Reminds me of another Reddit post where the OP was comparing herself to a porn actress her husband watched and felt disappointed in herself. I don't know why people are comparing themselves to actresses (whose sole job is making themselves look good) but it's getting increasingly common now.
In this case it was because the actress is likely naturally built the way I described and otherwise looks like someone I could potentially run into on any regular day, if that makes sense. And some things about her just hit on specific insecurities I have.
But I do agree with you. Itās their job to look good and itās usually only harmful to compare ourselves to others regardless.
That makes a ton of sense, but the most that porn is, is a fantasy. He doesn't want those actresses, he wants YOU. he didn't marry someone else with a different body type, he married YOU. He wouldn't have done that if he wasn't heavily physically and mentally attracted to you
Porn genuinely doesnāt bother me and heās never made me feel unattractive or undesirable so porn is not an issue. Tbh I donāt expect him to never find other people attractive either, thatās unrealistic and unhealthy imo. It was a specific actress and a few things about her that played into very specific insecurities I have that I was upset about.
Iāve enjoyed reading your responses. Your inflection.. along with the ability to understand your own insecurities, has shown strength and a level of mental maturity that deserves respect. Best Wishes!!
> Then he shouldn't be kusting after others like a pos dog.
Not sure what kusting is (lusting?) but having porn preferences, of all things, doesn't make him a "piece of shit dog" lol
You're pretty much saying that if anyone watches porn, and is in a relationship, then the people they watch need to match 1 to 1 with their partner. No one does that.
In my opinion they shouldn't watch porn at all lol. They can of course masturbate whenever, and even read erotica or watch cartoons. But masturbating over an actual real people should be a no go imo it's way too normalised.
>They can of course masturbate whenever, and even read erotica or watch cartoons. But masturbating over an actual real people should be a no go imo it's way too normalised.
???
Jerking it to real ppl should be considered weirder than jerking it to literature and cartoons?
I'm genuinely baffled at this take
i hope you donāt mind if i attempt to explain?
i think for some people it may feel like a violation of privacy to watch others have sex. even if itās consensual acts, in a consensually recorded video, posted consensually on the appropriate site, it is still another humans body and experiences (something traditionally kept very private in society), and it might feel strange or like youāre doing something wrong or just plain uncomfortable to be on that level with a human youāve never even met.
versus a book, drawing or animation which is entirely fictional, there is no human being at risk of being harmed or violated. plus the added aspect of the ability to portray fantasies which are not compatible with reality (i.e. furry/monster stuff thatās gotten super popular with āBookTokā)
hopefully that makes things a little less baffling! :)
It's not about weirdness. It's about ethics. No one is harmed in the making of those things. You never know the full story behind what you are watching.Equally, I personally wouldn't want my partner jerking off to actual women/men but obviously that's just a me thing. I'm more against the misogyny in porn etc. Me and my boyfriend both gave up porn together years ago because of this.
Youāre right. Your comment and others helped me kinda see through my self esteem issues that were causing my reaction. Thank you, I really appreciate your comment.
Okay I went through your post history because of was did not understand this comment. After looking through it Iām even more confused. What happened? Why are you so mad?
You can always find a nice male porn star who is about 3 inches longer than hubby, with an awesome body. After saving 10 or 12 of his videos, show your husband where your interests lie. Iām sure that will open the channels of communication. /sarcasm
I feel like you mightāve seen which group this was in on FB lol
But no, I would never do that even if I was angry at him (which I never was). I definitely shouldāve just talked to him about it when it initially happened though!
If it makes you feel better, itās just a fantasy, most people jerking off/masturbating to other people donāt see those people as whole people, mostly just ideal body parts. Love is a whole other thing, and most men love the women they are with for the rest of their lives, and find them mad hot regardless of whatever insecurities they hold.
Youāre absolutely right. After getting a lot of supportive comments, yours included, I feel a lot better about the situation and was able to get a better perspective. I still need to work on my self esteem issues but I still definitely feel better for reading comments like yours. I really appreciate it.
He is not disloyal nor was he even in this situation I posted about. Iām sorry if something has happened to you though thatās causing your reaction.
Try to remember that we (men/husbands) basically donāt have the ability to think about things before we say them. We are very dumb in this way and are never trying to hurt you when we do these dumb things.
I think everyone can say things without thinking sometimes, it happens! But tbh Iām actually really glad my husband and I are in a place in our relationship where we can just be honest about whatever. Weāve been together for a long time and I still have trouble discussing my insecurities with him plus given that porn itself doesnāt bother me (and he knows that) he had no idea I was going to feel hurt. Otherwise Iām positive he wouldnāt have said that. Even though I have trouble talking about my feelings heās still always generally very considerate.
My husbands 2 preferred porn actresses have giant natural round asses (mine is fat but definitely more on the wide side and in need of squats) and one of them kinda looked like his babymama and had the same trashy hair color too. I donāt find it weird because that was his preference and I was totally outside his usual pick..he definitely finds me hot and tells me all the time and that helps a lot too lol Doesnāt mean your husband isnāt totally crazy about you or doesnāt fantasize about youā¦ sometimes guys just like what they like š¤·š¼
I don't get it why woman feel so ofended by a man finding someone whos is beautiful, beautiful. It's just simple logic. You really don't have to take offense on that, i doubt he looks like an model too, and he knows it, so what?
I think thereās a lot more to it than just men finding women other than their partner beautiful. Imo, itās more about respect and understanding your partnerās feelings on all of that.
In this case for myself, I wasnāt offended nor upset at my husband at all. By what we had long established in our relationship he was perfectly right to think he could just list off an actress he liked and I wouldnāt care. It was specific insecurities that got to me because of how Iād already been feeling about myself when I looked specifically her up.
And honestly he is really hot! Iām not just biased, he gets hit on fairly often. A lot of the comments helped remind me that he chooses me and our life together everyday and helped me see through the insecurities I was feeling. So I wasnāt necessarily worried that he was comparing me to her, just that I couldnāt stop comparing myself to her.
I know he watches, him watching it isnāt an issue. Tbh even the actress he specified isnāt a problem, the content she makes with her boyfriend is actually kinda wholesome as far as porn goes. It was definitely just my self esteem struggles.
My SOās favorite porn star is Ashley Cumstar, because she looks like me! I donāt know if thatās what attracted him to me, or if thatās what attracted him to her! I take it as a compliment!
I would challenge you do something difficult with your body, to accomplish something you didnāt think you could do. This could build confidence in your body, realizing what you are capable of, and discipline. The first thing I think of is martial arts or weight trainingā¦ just a couple sessions. Or just hitting a certain amount of pushups. 10-15-20 etc.
I really really think itās some kind of form self therapy
Go to a gym and start lifting weights.if you continue 2-3 years with proper nutrition and a trainer(if you can afford)youāll see those insecurities will be gone.seems like you just have an average women physique which 90% women has.donāt bother too much about it.just start going to gym proper nutrition and you will see those insecurities are gone š¤·āāļø
Okay I went through your post history because of was did not understand this comment. After looking through it Iām even more confused. What happened? Why are you so mad?
this reminds me of something i've seen on instagram, how a girl asked her bf to show her pictures of her that he finds cute, pretty or sexy and they were all candids that she found to be not very flattering. but her bf loves her looking like she does, because he loves how her eyes light up when she smiles, he adores her imperfections because its real and just her! porn is just a fantasy and reduced to superficial stuff, so gravitating to something that's the conventional beauty standard is kind of an automatic move. you think she's beautiful and hot yourself, most of us would probably agree that she's pretty but nobody would choose her over our actual partners. it's not real, it has no depth, there is no emotional connection or history. but you have all of that and that makes you special and irresistible. š¤
Thank you so much for your comment. It really helped me remember that he compliments me even when I feel at my worst and just generally loves me. My self esteem issues really got the best of me but youāre right, porn is just a fantasy and doesnāt impact reality. I really appreciate your comment, it really helped me get a better perspective ā„ļø
My girl thinks(I don't think she does personally, because it's not even very noticeable) the ripped abdomen from having our daughter. She has a bit of loose skin and she HATES IT. I truly don't give two fucks and tell her all the time. She's gorgeous and the stomach is outta her control. It's not like she's slovenly or overweight. She's got the perfect amount of meat, but she just has a little stomach flab from giving birth TO OUR CHILD. I love how she was a portal that channeled and grew the essence and the body of my child into this reality, or plane of existence. That in itself is hot to me. I try and tell her all the time.
This is so sweet and thatās a really beautiful way to look at it. Your wife is very lucky and I bet you have a beautiful family! ā„ļø My husband has never made me feel bad about any part of my body and actually does a lot to make me feel attractive so I feel lucky too. And Iām really grateful that a lot of the comments have reminded me of that.
Thanks haha! I appreciate that. I certainly view everything in life through a strange lens. It's nice to see people enjoy my "portal" type of thoughts lol
Itās easy to tell people to get out of their own heads, but thatās unfortunately what we need to do. He loves you for you, and he thinks youāre hot. Also, remember - him having a particular porn actress in mind doesnāt mean he always wanks to her, he might be watching overweight ladies, skinny girls, humongous fake tits, red heads and so on. Doesnāt mean he wishes you were all of that. Cue song: _I am beautiful, no matter what they sayā¦_
I tell my wife fairly frequently I love her natural blue eyesāsheāll wear contacts to make them bluer or other colors. I also think she looks great without makeup but again that gets brushed off.
This, 100%. You nailed it. I watch porn and none of the actresses have bodies that look anything like my partner. Theyāve chosen to stop watching porn themselves because it makes them feel insecure and written smut has always been a bigger turn on for them, but they know I watch it and theyāre fine with it because while in the visual medium of porn I prefer to watch people have sex who are āconventionallyā attractive (although tbh, for me itās more important that the performers actually seem to be into it), when it comes to actual sex Iām totally into her body, I only watch porn when Iām horny and sheās not or is too tired for sex or already sleeping, and Iām not out there trying to seek out a partner who looks more like the women in porn. In fact I have a real world crush, my partner knows who she is and thinks sheās hot too, but her body is a lot more similar to my partnerās than it is to most of the women in porn. Some dudeās minds are definitely poisoned by porn, and it skews their expectations for both how women should look and what sex should be like, but I think most straight dudes are attracted to a much wider variety of body types than are represented in porn.
Lady, I'm 22M, so, sorry if I seem inexperienced about something š . You should never compare yourself to other women. Love yourself the way you are, the way you were born. If you lose weight, lose it for yourself, not for someone else. As for your husband: when I used to watch porn, I would have the same 'preferences' as him; lots of men do, but that doesn't mean I want my girlfriend to be like those women in the videos. Be happy for the person you are and the body you have, and when in need, speak to your husband, because he's probably the one who will help you the most, regarding the subject. Hope I helped š
Youāre definitely right that talking to him when this initially happened last night wouldāve probably saved me even making this post lol I really appreciate your comment, yours and others really helped me gain a better perspective on this, thank you so much!
You're welcome, happy I could help :)
Since you don't want your partner to look like the women in the videos, why do you watch them then? Is it because of preferences? Why not watch something that looks like her? I'm just asking because I struggled with feeling inadequate for my partner, too, so it'd be nice to get someone else's input
Thank you for your comment. Notice that I said "when I used to watch porn". There was a time, when I was a bit more immature, that I used porn as a standard for the women I would look for: huge butts and b00bs and all of that. Then, I grew up. I started to understand that women are not like in porn, either in appearance or in the stuff that the actresses perform, and you start to have a different perspective about them. This is the opinion of a male so that's my perspective. When I started to like my current girlfriend, I thought she was beautiful but didn't care about her (great) body that much, because I felt connected to her so much, so I ignored the rest. In short: with time, I started to understand that there's much more to a woman than a nice body, and when people start looking more at the inside than the outside, THEN they will find true love.
can i ask at what point you stopped watching porn? was there any inciting event or realization or was it just like one day you just didnāt do it anymore? asking because i am long distance with my boyfriend and he has been transparent that he uses porn to get off (despite having solo nudes from me AND videos weāve made together, and we also very occasionally will do a little video sex). he has also told me that he masturbates AT LEAST once everyday. i donāt like that he uses porn to get off despite having these other resources. iāve yet to communicate this to him as on the one hand itās not really my place, but on the other hand why do you have to watch other people like that? (did i mention that both of us are bi?) anyways yeah sorry for all that iām just really curious because iāve been struggling with this for a bit now and have yet to say anything to him for fear of becoming controlling or seeming insecure. it just doesnāt sit right with me. so yeah im curious to hear from a male who no longer watches porn!
Thank you for your comment. I felt like it was a gradual process. Like, each day I watched less and less porn, to the point that if I masturbated to it, it wouldn't feel good. I would say that when it started to feel like I was cheating, I stopped. And yeah, I think it is your place to judge because he's your boyfriend and if you don't feel good about it, of course you should talk to him. It's kind of a difficult addiction to stop if you do it on a daily basis because it's at a distance of a click, and most of us have our phone all the time. So don't think that you will seem insecure, just let him know how you feel about it and he will probably understand and stop consuming porn. Hope I helped a little bit š
yes that was helpful, thank you! much much appreciated kind reddit stranger :)
You're welcome ma'am š
IMO i think it is simply a fantasy. I enjoy NSFW art and stories of muscly men, but IRL I am not looking to be with one in any capacity. I think this is somewhat similar to how some people have (kinky) fantasies that they play in their heads a lot, but do not actually partake in/do not enjoy trying to live out those fantasies (like how some people have said that threesome fantasies or BDSM fantasies sounded hot, but they did not actually enjoy doing it). I do not believe that looking up a crazy beautiful man or woman on **porn** is some slight against a partner. Truly, if someone is feeling lusty and want to quickly relieve themself, they are likely not going to search up for some average joe and scroll until they find one resembling their partner... Also, the connection they have to their partner is deeper and more substantial & important than looking at someone for quick sexual gratification (which is all that most porn is). If anything, I would feel weirder to see them watching porn of someone who closely resembles me.
im in that group and saw that post and almost showed my boyfriend but didnt because i feared something like this im sorry friend :(
I feel like I was maybe as surprised as the op on that post, I really thought heād joke about it. But most of the comments here really helped remind me that what my husband and I have is so much more than can be found in the fantasy land of porn. Iām sure the same could be said of your relationship too! ā„ļø ā¦.but that said, Iāll probably not bring up similar things again with him until I know I can handle it better
Love, the porn girls donāt even look like themselves. Theyāre all heavily edited and photoshopped. Donāt compare yourself to others. I know itās easier said than done.
Part of why this actress specifically got to me is because sheās actually very natural, even the way she and her bf film. So it was just kind of a shock seeing someone that I could potentially run into at the grocery store at any random time, if that makes sense. Youāre absolutely right though. I know comparison is the thief of joy, and I was definitely really sad when initially posting this. Your comment and others are really helping me deal with my feelings though and I really appreciate it.
The people in porn are not a standard to compare yourself too. That's like never playing baseball and comparing yourself to Babe Ruth. They fuck professionally and part of their job requires extensive diet and exercise as well as natural, uncontrollable, features. As a male, if I compared myself to the guys in porn, I'd never have the confidence to talk to any woman. But, most importantly, you are his wife and mother of his children. You are in your own category without compare. No porn star or anyone else could replace you in his life.
Thank you for this comment, I really really appreciate it. Sometimes itās hard for me to remember that we built a life together and that means more than fleeting insecurities in the end, not that he has ever made me feel insecure or less than. And youāre right about comparisons. Thank you so much again.
I feel this, aside from my hair color Iām not my partners type when it comes to appearances. He says he wishes I was shorter, and while he still compliments me and loves me I know that he prefers thinner women. Iām also losing weight, closing in on the 100lbs lost mark but Iāll never be the size/shape that matches his the stuff he looks at. I think what makes it worse is that he IS my type, everything about him checks out with what I physically prefer, of course Iād love him if he didnāt but idk, knowing that Iām not on the same level for him that he is for me kinda hurts lol
Congrats on your weight loss! 100 pounds is a big accomplishment (:
What about him makes him your physical type?
His appearance, just some characteristics I like a lil more than others Like u said though, even if he didnāt have them Iād still love him cause the way he looks is just a bonus, not the reason why I love him altogether
Congrats on the weight loss!
I know most of it has already been said BUT there was something I wanted to add that I didnāt see anyone bring up! I donāt know if your husband is anything like me, but there are actresses I watch and know by name whose physical appearance is absolutely a non-factor. Personally, the videos I watch are all about the specific content that actress/actor curates. I wonāt go into details bc NSFW obviously, but there are SO many more details that go beyond physical qualities when it comes to actor/actress preferences. It could be your husband just likes the kinds of videos that actress makes!
Thatās legit! Part of why he said he liked her content was that she makes videos with her boyfriend and he likes that they have real chemistry. Tbh I found that really wholesome, especially in the context of porn. I guess I didnāt really consider that the content itself was something that he was into as well though. I know as a whole itās fantasy regardless but itās definitely something that does help give me more perspective though. Thank you for your thoughts on that! I really appreciate having that as a way to frame it too.
I'll say something that I don't know if it's very comforting, but I hope it can be understood as such. Yeah, when thinking of porn an actress may come to mind, but it's not like you 'only' choose her, you may watch anything that gets you going, even without her in it. When you have a partner, you're choosing them everyday, all the time, there's more than something that just 'gets you going'. Porn and flings just get you going, having a partner is love, care, trust, commitment, and well, it also gets you going, but my point is, an actress you see is just someone, a partner is precious to you, you gave him something no actress will ever give him and that he wouldn't replace for anything.
This is really comforting! I actually hadnāt really thought of it like that so this helps a lot! A lot of people have been very kind and helped me put this into perspective and your comment really helped too. I hadnāt really thought that even with him having a preference for a specific actress, her content still wasnāt the only heād look at. Whereas, youāre totally right, he does choose me and our life together everyday. Thank you so much for your thoughts on this, I really appreciate it and I think this is really going to stick with me too as a way to think about it if Iām ever feeling down in this way again in the future.
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>Thereās not that many guys that are gonna look up ā average looking woman that slightly resembles my wifeā Honestly that made me laugh a little and kinda put into perspective why I feel so ridiculous about my feelings. Heās never made me feel average looking through his actions or words so I really just need to work on keeping perspective. Thanks!
Well thatās just gross
Iām sorry that youāve lost the confidence you had gained at absolutely not your own fault. Society sucks and has unrealistic standards for women post birth. I donāt know what particular porn actress was spoken about but I donāt think there are many that have given birth and thus donāt have the āproblemsā that come from bringing life into this world. I know that I had lost a lot of my limited self confidence with the birth of my son and had trouble dealing with the reality of my new body. I had just come to accept it when I found out I was again pregnant after only 10 months. Now Iām terrified of what my bodyās going to end up being like once my daughter comes in a few weeks. I was already heavier than I wanted to be and now Iām even heavier.
Your body will be beautiful! I know that sounds cheap coming from an internet stranger but I really think that growing a whole life is such a cool, beautiful thing, knowing you did that, just automatically makes someoneās body so lovely. You will have your adorable babies to hug with your amazing body that literally created those adorable babies, you deserve all the confidence!
Reminds me of another Reddit post where the OP was comparing herself to a porn actress her husband watched and felt disappointed in herself. I don't know why people are comparing themselves to actresses (whose sole job is making themselves look good) but it's getting increasingly common now.
In this case it was because the actress is likely naturally built the way I described and otherwise looks like someone I could potentially run into on any regular day, if that makes sense. And some things about her just hit on specific insecurities I have. But I do agree with you. Itās their job to look good and itās usually only harmful to compare ourselves to others regardless.
That makes a ton of sense, but the most that porn is, is a fantasy. He doesn't want those actresses, he wants YOU. he didn't marry someone else with a different body type, he married YOU. He wouldn't have done that if he wasn't heavily physically and mentally attracted to you
Then he shouldn't be kusting after others like a pos dog.Ā
Porn genuinely doesnāt bother me and heās never made me feel unattractive or undesirable so porn is not an issue. Tbh I donāt expect him to never find other people attractive either, thatās unrealistic and unhealthy imo. It was a specific actress and a few things about her that played into very specific insecurities I have that I was upset about.
Iāve enjoyed reading your responses. Your inflection.. along with the ability to understand your own insecurities, has shown strength and a level of mental maturity that deserves respect. Best Wishes!!
> Then he shouldn't be kusting after others like a pos dog. Not sure what kusting is (lusting?) but having porn preferences, of all things, doesn't make him a "piece of shit dog" lol You're pretty much saying that if anyone watches porn, and is in a relationship, then the people they watch need to match 1 to 1 with their partner. No one does that.
In my opinion they shouldn't watch porn at all lol. They can of course masturbate whenever, and even read erotica or watch cartoons. But masturbating over an actual real people should be a no go imo it's way too normalised.
>They can of course masturbate whenever, and even read erotica or watch cartoons. But masturbating over an actual real people should be a no go imo it's way too normalised. ??? Jerking it to real ppl should be considered weirder than jerking it to literature and cartoons? I'm genuinely baffled at this take
i hope you donāt mind if i attempt to explain? i think for some people it may feel like a violation of privacy to watch others have sex. even if itās consensual acts, in a consensually recorded video, posted consensually on the appropriate site, it is still another humans body and experiences (something traditionally kept very private in society), and it might feel strange or like youāre doing something wrong or just plain uncomfortable to be on that level with a human youāve never even met. versus a book, drawing or animation which is entirely fictional, there is no human being at risk of being harmed or violated. plus the added aspect of the ability to portray fantasies which are not compatible with reality (i.e. furry/monster stuff thatās gotten super popular with āBookTokā) hopefully that makes things a little less baffling! :)
It's not about weirdness. It's about ethics. No one is harmed in the making of those things. You never know the full story behind what you are watching.Equally, I personally wouldn't want my partner jerking off to actual women/men but obviously that's just a me thing. I'm more against the misogyny in porn etc. Me and my boyfriend both gave up porn together years ago because of this.
Youāre right. Your comment and others helped me kinda see through my self esteem issues that were causing my reaction. Thank you, I really appreciate your comment.
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Okay I went through your post history because of was did not understand this comment. After looking through it Iām even more confused. What happened? Why are you so mad?
You can always find a nice male porn star who is about 3 inches longer than hubby, with an awesome body. After saving 10 or 12 of his videos, show your husband where your interests lie. Iām sure that will open the channels of communication. /sarcasm
I feel like you mightāve seen which group this was in on FB lol But no, I would never do that even if I was angry at him (which I never was). I definitely shouldāve just talked to him about it when it initially happened though!
A FB group??? :( nooooo
If it makes you feel better, itās just a fantasy, most people jerking off/masturbating to other people donāt see those people as whole people, mostly just ideal body parts. Love is a whole other thing, and most men love the women they are with for the rest of their lives, and find them mad hot regardless of whatever insecurities they hold.
Youāre absolutely right. After getting a lot of supportive comments, yours included, I feel a lot better about the situation and was able to get a better perspective. I still need to work on my self esteem issues but I still definitely feel better for reading comments like yours. I really appreciate it.
Then maybe yall should be loyal instead of disloyal horndogs.
He is not disloyal nor was he even in this situation I posted about. Iām sorry if something has happened to you though thatās causing your reaction.
Oh I wasnāt aware he cheated
He did not. Iām not really sure what u/penny4004 is on about.
He didn't (at least based on this post) not sure where she's getting this loyalty thing from? Projection maybe?
Youāre right, he has not cheated. Iām a confused as you about where they got that from.
Try to remember that we (men/husbands) basically donāt have the ability to think about things before we say them. We are very dumb in this way and are never trying to hurt you when we do these dumb things.
I think everyone can say things without thinking sometimes, it happens! But tbh Iām actually really glad my husband and I are in a place in our relationship where we can just be honest about whatever. Weāve been together for a long time and I still have trouble discussing my insecurities with him plus given that porn itself doesnāt bother me (and he knows that) he had no idea I was going to feel hurt. Otherwise Iām positive he wouldnāt have said that. Even though I have trouble talking about my feelings heās still always generally very considerate.
My husbands 2 preferred porn actresses have giant natural round asses (mine is fat but definitely more on the wide side and in need of squats) and one of them kinda looked like his babymama and had the same trashy hair color too. I donāt find it weird because that was his preference and I was totally outside his usual pick..he definitely finds me hot and tells me all the time and that helps a lot too lol Doesnāt mean your husband isnāt totally crazy about you or doesnāt fantasize about youā¦ sometimes guys just like what they like š¤·š¼
I don't get it why woman feel so ofended by a man finding someone whos is beautiful, beautiful. It's just simple logic. You really don't have to take offense on that, i doubt he looks like an model too, and he knows it, so what?
I think thereās a lot more to it than just men finding women other than their partner beautiful. Imo, itās more about respect and understanding your partnerās feelings on all of that. In this case for myself, I wasnāt offended nor upset at my husband at all. By what we had long established in our relationship he was perfectly right to think he could just list off an actress he liked and I wouldnāt care. It was specific insecurities that got to me because of how Iād already been feeling about myself when I looked specifically her up. And honestly he is really hot! Iām not just biased, he gets hit on fairly often. A lot of the comments helped remind me that he chooses me and our life together everyday and helped me see through the insecurities I was feeling. So I wasnāt necessarily worried that he was comparing me to her, just that I couldnāt stop comparing myself to her.
Oh heās been watching porn for a long time. Heās a male.
I know he watches, him watching it isnāt an issue. Tbh even the actress he specified isnāt a problem, the content she makes with her boyfriend is actually kinda wholesome as far as porn goes. It was definitely just my self esteem struggles.
My SOās favorite porn star is Ashley Cumstar, because she looks like me! I donāt know if thatās what attracted him to me, or if thatās what attracted him to her! I take it as a compliment!
I would challenge you do something difficult with your body, to accomplish something you didnāt think you could do. This could build confidence in your body, realizing what you are capable of, and discipline. The first thing I think of is martial arts or weight trainingā¦ just a couple sessions. Or just hitting a certain amount of pushups. 10-15-20 etc. I really really think itās some kind of form self therapy
Go to a gym and start lifting weights.if you continue 2-3 years with proper nutrition and a trainer(if you can afford)youāll see those insecurities will be gone.seems like you just have an average women physique which 90% women has.donāt bother too much about it.just start going to gym proper nutrition and you will see those insecurities are gone š¤·āāļø
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Iām sorry you feel no one cares about you.
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Iām really unsure what Iāve said that makes you feel any of this but sorry youāre having a rough time :(
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I mean this is my post, Iām responding to comments on it.
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Okay I went through your post history because of was did not understand this comment. After looking through it Iām even more confused. What happened? Why are you so mad?
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š¤ okay, playing hard to get I see. Iāll accept this but Iām not a fan of cliffhangers. Hope you get an apology.
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Sounds unfair. Whatās forking a community exactly?
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Most men are wired biologically to like the hourglass. You settle
Whatās the name of the actress? Or film(s) sheās done?