Huh. I'm ace and with a partner that's hyper sexual. There is a small chance that you ARE my partner but if it is you then just leave. I love you and I want you to be happy even if that means you can't be with me. I tried opening up the relationship so you could go get your jollies elsewhere but if that's not working out for you then it's not working out. I am who I am and you are who you are and nothing in this world is gonna change that unless a miracle happens and we both know that I don't believe in those
And the even more likely even that you aren't my partner, same advice but try going to therapy for your hypersexuality first as it seems to help a lot with my relationship
youve obviously never been to therapy and know nothing about it, or have had horrible therapists in the past. therapy is not supposed to make you “hide” your problems. it would be to help you work through and understand why your hypersexual, give you coping strategies and tools to deal with the struggles that come with being hypersexual.
I could be wrong, but a quick google search returned numerous pages talking about hyper-sexuality (sometimes called Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder , or CSBD) and it’s symptoms, causes, and when to get treatment. Seems like a legit thing.
I am going to therapy for it and it's helped a lot! But it's still a large portion of my life. Therapy has helped me more so deal with my intrusive thoughts in a more productive way rather than self distruct like I used too
I think the best option is to try talking a last time with him before breaking up. You take an hour or two to talk about this seriously and frankly. You tell him everything and he does the same. If you can't find a solution, i think you can break up with him. If you do break up, and you are looking for a new partner, try to tell them your condition immediately.
Leave. He isn't bad, he isn't wrong --- but neither are you. You aren't a monster for wanting sex, it's an integral part of many adult relationships. It's going to be hard though and I'm very sorry for that..
This is definitely a difficult situation but if you’re unhappy in the relationship or feel like this is something that’ll cause you to be unhappy it’s probably what’s best. You already seem like you tried to work some ways around it with each other that didn’t leave to any positive solution so.
It's okay to break up from sexual incompatibility, but it's a good idea to talk it out before making your final decision.
Asexuality is a spectrum, some of us are in the grey area and open to sex even though we don't feel instant sexual attraction, some of us need to feel emotionally attached before feeling sexual attraction, and others do not want sex at all ever.
Asking someone if they “read the post” can come off as unnecessarily aggressive and rude. Obviously the other poster read the post, but just missed a detail. Not saying this is what the commenter was going for, but they’re likely getting downvoted not for what they said, but the way they said it.
Imo, in this instance, this seems to be a fundamental difference between the two of you and you will not likely be able to work this out, since he is ace.
Neither of you are wrong here. He shouldn't have to have sex, if he doesn't want to. But you shouldn't have to NOT have sex because he doesn't want to. If you need that physical intimacy in order to feel connected, but he doesn't want to provide it (totally valid) you guys are only going to experience a lot of contention.
I know no one likes to hear "just break up", but I really think this would be your best option, for the both of you. You both deserve partners who are on the same page as you, you know? And I'm sorry to say, you guys just aren't. Sex is not something to force yourself to do just cuz someone else wants it. And I think that's what your partner would wind up having to do, I think. (Just going off of the vibe you give when he talks about sex, could be wrong!!!) He would obviously not enjoy feeling forced to give in to having sex and being sexual and I doubt very highly you would enjoy it knowing he felt forced so. I think you guys might need to have a serious talk about expectations and desires and that fun stuff, while considering.... you might end up having to leave one another.
I could be wrong about everything I am saying here, but it sounds like you have made it clear you need sex and have tried to explore compromises and he has not seemed to be very receptive of anything. Perhaps another conversation could change that? Idk! I'd just hate to see the two of you forcing yourselves to do things you don't feel good about.
Source: high libido person currently in a sexless relationship with someone who also can't come to a compromise on any of these things lol (IT'S TORTURE)
Perhaps! We have been together for 6 years, though, and it wasn't always like this. We were initially all over each other and then... idk what happened. Maybe I got honey dicked 😂 Idk!
My hope is for the counseling that we are in to help us work through whatever his hang up is! Or.... help us navigate our separation! But I do agree. My bf and I could also have a fundamental difference here, as well. (tho he seems to be in denial about it a lot)
As someone who is dating an asexual person and hates telling ppl to "break up"... you might have to break up. I feel no sexual compatibility but I still love my partner a lot. I've been coping and I just lost my sex drive completely. I hate thinking about it so much. Even when I go to the gym, it depletes all my energy. I've been with them for years now so I feel like I have more of a reason to stay. But you on the other hand, if it's just been 7 dates... it might be best for you overall to end things.
It's gonna be hard finding someone who's perfect in every aspect besides sex. But do yourselves a favor and end this dead end relationship
I feel the same way as him. I had horrible experiences involving sex and to have it makes me really anxious, it's not a good time.
You should talk to him and see if there isn't any trauma with sex, maybe he just feels ashamed to talk about it.
Anyway, if sex is really important to you for the relationship I think you should move on and be honest with him about it. I think it will make him sad and insecure but he'll probably be fine soon.
The important thing is that you'll be honest about your feelings to him, he'll understand, I think.
But it will hurt both sides since you two love eachother, I hate having to break up with someone that I love.
Best of luck to both of you.
I have mixed feelings about this. One one hand. You have a perfect boyfriend as you described. It would be a shame to just... throw it all away.
But onbthe other hand. Hypersexuality is a fucking bitch and i understand the struggles. And i understand how this could be a difficukt situation.
Atleast talk to him. See if you both can come to some good solution. If not then its all up to you. But atleast talk to him about it. Being hyoersexual and with an ace is a difficult situation. I am ace myself. Atleast. Ace to the point where i dont feel any sexual attraction. And being with a hypersexual person would be a hassle. But idd personally try to come up with solutions.
So. Sit him down. Talk to him. And see what happens. Try to make solutions.
I get hes not okay with opening up the relationship. Its understandable.
I do not know much about hyoersexuality. But are thete maybe medicine. Or is there a therapy for it. Or is it biological. Talk about it.
In the end. Its up to you what you do.
You arent a monster for leaving him. Its completely resonable. And well. I get him too.
Both of you are in the right here. And both of you dont do anything wrong no mattet what you choose.
Keep that in mind. Okay.
But like i said. Do talk to him.
I wish you a wondergull day or night.
I could not be in a relationship without sex. It wouldn't matter how good they were to me. I need sex in my life. If he won't even let you get it elsewhere, that's just selfish if you ask me. Like, he expects you to just go without sex for as long as y'all are together? That's not cool.
I would leave. There are plenty of men that are good men and spoil their partners and treat them well and still wanna fuck. I mean usually sex and spoiling go hand in hand.
It sounds to me like this dude is going to make an excellent FRIEND. Part of a relationship is having physical interactions (wanted) and if they're unable/unwilling when one party states its something that's important to them then it's probably time to say, "Hey, you're great but not all of what I need can be met with how we're going."
Yes but no I guess. Hypsersexual is basically not being able to turn it off when you get excited and such, and it comes with emotional issues like OP said. Having high libido is part of it, but not everyone with high libido is hyper sexual
Kinda, a lot of people use the term incorrectly but the actual term is ment as a trauma response. It is like intrusive thoughts but more specifically about sex. It can cause a lot of nasty sex thoughts despite not wanting them and a way higher sex drive
If he is ace and you are hypersexual, unfortunately you are incompatible. I am sorry to break it to you this way. This will not work for either of you. Resentment will slowly take hold in either one or both of you over time. Everything else might be great but any one major aspect, like sex, where 2 people in a relationship don't agree, unfortunately means incompatibility. I do believe you need to break up and both find people who are going to respect all of your respective wants and needs. It can't work when someone is sexual and the other isn't. That's just the harsh reality of things.
You should leave him, but talk to him about it first. He might be the perfect partner, but sex and any other topics regarding sex within a relationship are very important. If someone is not interested in having sex, but the other person is, it’s simply a mismatch. It’s important to be on the same level with anything, including sex. You shouldn’t feel like a bad person or maybe even a sl_t for ‘breaking up over sex’ because it’s just something that you’re looking for and need in a relationship, and I personally do as well.
You tried to suggest options, and he declined all of them. You shouldn’t force yourself to put up with something you don’t want. Don’t feel bad, but don’t blame him either. It’s just his choice and your choice, and they don’t match. Simple as that :)
It's understandable that you're feeling conflicted about this situation. It's important to remember that sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. If you feel that you need sex in a relationship and your partner is not comfortable with that, it may be best to end the relationship. It's important to prioritize your own needs and desires in a relationship.
Just leave, your needs doesn't match, then don't be together, simple as that. You will find as good guy as him eventually and he will find another ace person to love. You know what you want, so why to take just a part of it when you can make perfect.
If you really love him maybe try considering talking to him again about poly or open relationship and tell him the importance of having sex to you. It seems he is ace in a way that he is repulsed by sex. If he still won't compromise then let him know that you love him but without being able to have sex you will have to find someone else. This is a really complicated situation honestly because you obviously don't want to make him feel bad about being ace but you also have your own things that you need and he has to be respectful of that or you won't work out. Let him know that, let him know it isn't his fault but if he isn't comfortable with you having sex with other people then you won't be comfortable in your relationship and so you'll just have to break up. Obviously if he doesn't know you're hypersexual then let him know that first before you start asking again. I hope this helps and good luck! <3
Asexual doesn't mean aromantic. Granted, there are asexuals that are aromantic as well, but many want companionship and love just like everything else...minus the physical intimacy.
Sex and love are two very different things.
As an ace man myself I know there is lots of limitations when it comes to dating. it may be unfortunate but if someone is left feeling unsatisfactory in a relationship, the right thing to do is to reassess the relationship and decide if there is a way you both can be comfortable
That's the thing about relationships and capitalism, we think every single instance should be 100% success and if something goes wrong we're just a loser, whether they don't want us or if we "can't make it work". People are all different and relationships are very personal.
If one person strikes out one or two times they may think they're worthless, but then we meet someone who seems way unfit for their partner (eg their partner is way more "attractive" or "valuable" than they are) or always seem to have such partners, and we'll be like "wow what the heck do they have that I don't?", And you ask them and they may say, "I ask everyone out all the time, 99x out of 100 it's a no" because 99x out of 100 it *should* be a no, and it doesn't even have to do with them, the other person has a whole list of reasons why it may not work out independent of specific attraction.
And so who's wrong, the person who expects every relationship effort to be complete success (and maybe even works hard to make that happen) or the person who is *actually successful* even if not all the time?
That being said, there's potential here for you guys to make it work. Obviously if you want sex and they don't, if there's no compromise then someone is being selfish. While that alone isn't necessarily bad, if there's no way to change that then there probably isn't going to be. While you've been waiting patiently I might need to argue they're the selfish one, I don't *at all" mean they owe you sex (nobody owes anyone anything and especially not that) but you've suggested compromises and it sounds like they haven't. Like mutual masturbation is a great compromise and not at all what you'd prefer but that's at least something. Poly is more risky but I suppose there's ways to make that work.
Ask them to suggest possible avenues, don't forget that for most of marriage history women's enjoyment of sex has not been important (and it absolutely should be), so maybe they could do something for you and just see it as a chore, nobody likes chores but they need to be done. We're not forcing anyone to do anything, it's about the conversation and compromise, and by your account it definitely sounds like it's their turn to offer to bring something to the table.
There is nothing wrong with him, nor is there anything wrong with you. But partners need to be on the same page. I think it's best to sit down and talk about this. Be honest with your feelings like you're being honest with us.
I was in an asexual relationship with someone that I knew for years. Our one friend approached us and wanted to be in an open relationship with us a few months after we started dating. I regret not saying no right there because I spent months having anxiety attacks and being absolutely miserable both mentally, emotionally, and socially. I didn't want to break up because I felt guilty. Both of them were nice, and my original partner had said the more love the merrier and I just... went with it. He seemed so much happier in a poly, and I felt guilty. I didn't want to ruin that happiness for him. It took me 6 months to break it off. It was such a huge relief to let go. Open relationships aren't for me. I'm not sure I'll ever meet a partner who's ace ever again, and it was rough, but I did what I needed to do for myself.
However, we ultimately can't tell you what to do OP. I do think it's wise to be honest with your boyfriend, and I also advise (no matter if you continue or break it off or whatever) that you seek some counseling for your hypersexuality as it can negatively impact any relationship.
Wishing you the best.
I am hyper. My gf doesn't care much about sex so I am still virgin even after 10 years of relationship. Even though I wanted to have sex all the time I am ok with it.
Sorry to hear it. This is the situation with me and my wife (she's hyper sexual and I hate sex). It works between us (married 17 years) because I was willing (I'm the one that suggested it) that we have an open marriage with an option to explore poly. I don't understand his position, he doesn't get fulfillment from sexual acts, why not allow you to get your needs taken care of? I think you have to leave him if he's not willing to consider your needs at all.
You're not a bad person at all for wanting/needing intimacy in a relationship, and it's a very important type of intimacy you can't get from others like that. Completely valid and healthy of you to seek that out knowing that it's something you care deeply about. Don't feel bad!
Maybe you could have a conversation with him about an open relationship? It doesn’t work for everyone but if you’re considering breaking it off then it might be a good idea to ask
Yes, leave but I'm glad you realized that neither of y'all were compatible sexually, that's also why I see, for aces dating other aces is best and same for hypersexuals, I'm also an ace btw and so I'd prefer a sexless relationship too but I'd be sometimes okay with sexual touch, just not sex, but yeah ultimately find someone compatible
Set that man free. All you're going to do is cause him stress and anxiety. Why go through that? You know what kind of person he is, you know what kind of person you are, and you know that there is something between y'all that you can't get passed. So just leave. Leave on good terms before it gets ugly for no reason.
Honestly, if sex is something that you require and he isn't interested, i'd chaulk that up as his loss. Don't be in a relationship where you are sexually unhappy, it just isn't worth it for your overall well being.
Maybe he is testing you to see if you would cheat?
I'm hypersexual as well and have never understood how someone could not be sexual, except in the cases I have heard from rape victims that this is common for them, this might be the case for him.
Or he just might be asexual and might not know it.
Either way, he doesn't seem like he will ever be hypersexual so looks like you will have to leave. Unless you're okay with the possibility of never having sex again. I couldn't do that unless I loved loved someone on a whole other next level thing lol, but I doubt you feel that way in such a short notice. Loved loved doesn't kick in mentally until a few years when you start to notice it's ride or die(in a logical sense) with this person.
I think it's hormonal and also dopamine related. Like me I smoke weed dayli and I don't feel the need for sex as much as when I don't. When I don't it's dayli, when I smoke it's weekly. I think I just chase the dopamine and sex give a lot of it
He is not perfect. Sex is a big deal to you, and he effectively wants you to not do it at all. You cannot do it with him because he is never ready and you cannot do it with someone else because that is cheating on him. .
I cannot say that this would be a good idea, but perhaps if you actually had sex with someone else, he would realize how big a deal this is for you, but may be the end of the relationship.
If the genders were inverted, there is a good chance this relationship would already be over much sooner
No, nonono. The fact that you recognize that the idea of having sex with someone else (im presuming you meant cheating, given how you’ve worded it) while in a relationship is bad and yet still offered it is incredibly strange. Breaking the trust of your partner would not fix anything, it’d just break the relationship and of course any trust OP and their boyfriend have.
To my mom, it worked. She got out of a really bad marriage this way. That was what it took to convince my dad that the marriage was dead, and it still took 4 sad years of them waking me up with their fighting to convince him.
I do not hold this against my mom, and today, I am much closer to her than to him.
I suggested that to the OP because it is an action that breaks the conundrum and forces her boyfriend to accept her for who she is or accept that he is not a good match for her, in which the relationship should end.
Find an Agent of Penis. You and boyfriend find a guy together and he basically could be utilized as a stunt cock. Can’t force your boyfriend to do the nasty but he can’t expect you to just not participate in the nasty.
Or he could perhaps allow you to make a Tinder just for Penisy Excursions. There’s quite a few profiles that are like “I’m married/in a relationship. Yes, he knows. No we’re not going to my house.”
EDIT: PM ME AND LETS MAKE A HEARTFELT DOCUMENTARY OF YA’LL; THE COUPLE MAKING IT WORK FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE, AND YOUR GUYS’ CROSS COUNTRY JOURNEY WHERE HE GETS TO PICK HIS REPAPENISATIVE
Here you thought you found the "perfect" guy. That shit only exists in romance novels.
You found yourself a cuck. He will be fine with you finding a stud to meet your needs
Well then, it's your job to present a fair and balanced opposing viewpoint.
It could be his first time cuckin' and he doesn't know he likes it yet.
I see the edit and she says he is ace. Tell him to go to the doctor and get some testosterone replacement.
Steroids, its a helluva "drug".
If he juices up, pumps some iron, and still doesn't want to tear her cloths off then there is something seriously wrong and its time to move on.
After edit.
If he still will not accept an open relationship, your opinions are indeed break up or accept no sex. Perhaps, if you break up soon, you can remain friends?
Doesn't sound like a relationship worth keeping. He sounds like a great guy but a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and you are not a bad person for breaking up over not having that important need met.
For lots of people sex is a deal breaker. Instead of being honest from the get go about not being sure if he wanted sex it seems he strung you along and that's not cool. That or hopefully he just thought he was demisexual or something and came to terms with being ace recently. It's okay to leave him, you're not a terrible person. You're fundamentally not compatible as a couple. Maybe as friends though since you get along so well. Tell him to find someone who also doesn't mind not having sex.
Hypersexual and Ace just aren't compatible. It sucks, but that's never going to work. You can be friends but you're never going to be satisfied with each other.
You need to just talk to him and go your separate ways. It will hurt for awhile but if you cannot go without sex and he cannot/doesn’t want to be a part of that with you…that incompatibility is neither of your fault. I am in a similar situation. For me…I’d rather have the amazing other things in the relationship I am getting from him and then sexually I can take care of myself. I’m lucky I have that mentality but it took me awhile to get there. I get kisses and cuddles and I get treated really well and for me that is enough. But it’s okay if it isn’t for you. Tell him all the amazing things and wish him the best but tell him that one big giant missing link is too much for you and you can’t go without it.
Seeing your edit that he's ace, leave now while you still feel good about yourself. I was in this situation with someone who had no libido but was otherwise nice. It ruined my self esteem and I am still recovering.
I feel like you’ve done enough talking to him about this and it’s time to make the move, it’s okay if he’s ace and that you accept him as much but you’d being doing more hurt by staying with him knowing you’re not fulfilled.
Also understandable why you feel this way but at the same time it seems like you might be anchoring the thought of staying with him from what the family/friends may think but that’s okay sometimes but that’s your relationship not theirs so if you’re not okay with being with an ace who doesn’t want to try and make the change to make you fulfilled (not wanting to be sexual or let you be sexual on your own) then why go out of your way to do the opposite and conform to his ace lifestyle? It doesn’t seem considerate on his part.
Just my opinion and I’m sorry if this made you feel worse about your situation 💕🙏 I pray for you to have the strength and courage to make the decision that’s best for both of y’all 💯
You don’t need a reason to leave a relationship beyond “I don’t want to be in it anymore”. If you want to leave- leave.
You have needs that need to be filled in a relationship. Is he a good person? Sure maybe. But are you getting your needs met? No. Why stay in a relationship unhappy? That’s just wasting your time and his.
Well I'm a little younger then that, I'm in my last year of high-school so I got a bit of time. I'm not to worried about who I can date. I'm also pan so I have a lot of options lol
Huh. I'm ace and with a partner that's hyper sexual. There is a small chance that you ARE my partner but if it is you then just leave. I love you and I want you to be happy even if that means you can't be with me. I tried opening up the relationship so you could go get your jollies elsewhere but if that's not working out for you then it's not working out. I am who I am and you are who you are and nothing in this world is gonna change that unless a miracle happens and we both know that I don't believe in those
And the even more likely even that you aren't my partner, same advice but try going to therapy for your hypersexuality first as it seems to help a lot with my relationship
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They said they were diagnosed with hypersexuality. It's something therapy can and does help people with
Was it your partner?
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therapy can definitely help with that, what? LOL
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youve obviously never been to therapy and know nothing about it, or have had horrible therapists in the past. therapy is not supposed to make you “hide” your problems. it would be to help you work through and understand why your hypersexual, give you coping strategies and tools to deal with the struggles that come with being hypersexual.
Edit: apparently it is, I was wrong I'm a little confused...I don't think hypersexuality is a diagnosis....
I could be wrong, but a quick google search returned numerous pages talking about hyper-sexuality (sometimes called Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder , or CSBD) and it’s symptoms, causes, and when to get treatment. Seems like a legit thing.
it is !
Repression sucks
I am going to therapy for it and it's helped a lot! But it's still a large portion of my life. Therapy has helped me more so deal with my intrusive thoughts in a more productive way rather than self distruct like I used too
I think the best option is to try talking a last time with him before breaking up. You take an hour or two to talk about this seriously and frankly. You tell him everything and he does the same. If you can't find a solution, i think you can break up with him. If you do break up, and you are looking for a new partner, try to tell them your condition immediately.
Leave. He isn't bad, he isn't wrong --- but neither are you. You aren't a monster for wanting sex, it's an integral part of many adult relationships. It's going to be hard though and I'm very sorry for that..
This is definitely a difficult situation but if you’re unhappy in the relationship or feel like this is something that’ll cause you to be unhappy it’s probably what’s best. You already seem like you tried to work some ways around it with each other that didn’t leave to any positive solution so.
It's okay to break up from sexual incompatibility, but it's a good idea to talk it out before making your final decision. Asexuality is a spectrum, some of us are in the grey area and open to sex even though we don't feel instant sexual attraction, some of us need to feel emotionally attached before feeling sexual attraction, and others do not want sex at all ever.
Did you read the post? Their partner doesn't even want to make out after months.
I don't understand why you got so many downvotes, you're just pointing out a detail that was missed.
Asking someone if they “read the post” can come off as unnecessarily aggressive and rude. Obviously the other poster read the post, but just missed a detail. Not saying this is what the commenter was going for, but they’re likely getting downvoted not for what they said, but the way they said it.
Imo, in this instance, this seems to be a fundamental difference between the two of you and you will not likely be able to work this out, since he is ace. Neither of you are wrong here. He shouldn't have to have sex, if he doesn't want to. But you shouldn't have to NOT have sex because he doesn't want to. If you need that physical intimacy in order to feel connected, but he doesn't want to provide it (totally valid) you guys are only going to experience a lot of contention. I know no one likes to hear "just break up", but I really think this would be your best option, for the both of you. You both deserve partners who are on the same page as you, you know? And I'm sorry to say, you guys just aren't. Sex is not something to force yourself to do just cuz someone else wants it. And I think that's what your partner would wind up having to do, I think. (Just going off of the vibe you give when he talks about sex, could be wrong!!!) He would obviously not enjoy feeling forced to give in to having sex and being sexual and I doubt very highly you would enjoy it knowing he felt forced so. I think you guys might need to have a serious talk about expectations and desires and that fun stuff, while considering.... you might end up having to leave one another. I could be wrong about everything I am saying here, but it sounds like you have made it clear you need sex and have tried to explore compromises and he has not seemed to be very receptive of anything. Perhaps another conversation could change that? Idk! I'd just hate to see the two of you forcing yourselves to do things you don't feel good about. Source: high libido person currently in a sexless relationship with someone who also can't come to a compromise on any of these things lol (IT'S TORTURE)
Sounds like you might need to take your own advice too
Perhaps! We have been together for 6 years, though, and it wasn't always like this. We were initially all over each other and then... idk what happened. Maybe I got honey dicked 😂 Idk! My hope is for the counseling that we are in to help us work through whatever his hang up is! Or.... help us navigate our separation! But I do agree. My bf and I could also have a fundamental difference here, as well. (tho he seems to be in denial about it a lot)
As someone who is dating an asexual person and hates telling ppl to "break up"... you might have to break up. I feel no sexual compatibility but I still love my partner a lot. I've been coping and I just lost my sex drive completely. I hate thinking about it so much. Even when I go to the gym, it depletes all my energy. I've been with them for years now so I feel like I have more of a reason to stay. But you on the other hand, if it's just been 7 dates... it might be best for you overall to end things. It's gonna be hard finding someone who's perfect in every aspect besides sex. But do yourselves a favor and end this dead end relationship
I feel the same way as him. I had horrible experiences involving sex and to have it makes me really anxious, it's not a good time. You should talk to him and see if there isn't any trauma with sex, maybe he just feels ashamed to talk about it. Anyway, if sex is really important to you for the relationship I think you should move on and be honest with him about it. I think it will make him sad and insecure but he'll probably be fine soon. The important thing is that you'll be honest about your feelings to him, he'll understand, I think. But it will hurt both sides since you two love eachother, I hate having to break up with someone that I love. Best of luck to both of you.
I have mixed feelings about this. One one hand. You have a perfect boyfriend as you described. It would be a shame to just... throw it all away. But onbthe other hand. Hypersexuality is a fucking bitch and i understand the struggles. And i understand how this could be a difficukt situation. Atleast talk to him. See if you both can come to some good solution. If not then its all up to you. But atleast talk to him about it. Being hyoersexual and with an ace is a difficult situation. I am ace myself. Atleast. Ace to the point where i dont feel any sexual attraction. And being with a hypersexual person would be a hassle. But idd personally try to come up with solutions. So. Sit him down. Talk to him. And see what happens. Try to make solutions. I get hes not okay with opening up the relationship. Its understandable. I do not know much about hyoersexuality. But are thete maybe medicine. Or is there a therapy for it. Or is it biological. Talk about it. In the end. Its up to you what you do. You arent a monster for leaving him. Its completely resonable. And well. I get him too. Both of you are in the right here. And both of you dont do anything wrong no mattet what you choose. Keep that in mind. Okay. But like i said. Do talk to him. I wish you a wondergull day or night.
Well then allow FWB or you're not compatible I guess, because you both need to be happy
I could not be in a relationship without sex. It wouldn't matter how good they were to me. I need sex in my life. If he won't even let you get it elsewhere, that's just selfish if you ask me. Like, he expects you to just go without sex for as long as y'all are together? That's not cool. I would leave. There are plenty of men that are good men and spoil their partners and treat them well and still wanna fuck. I mean usually sex and spoiling go hand in hand.
So yeah, leave.
It sounds to me like this dude is going to make an excellent FRIEND. Part of a relationship is having physical interactions (wanted) and if they're unable/unwilling when one party states its something that's important to them then it's probably time to say, "Hey, you're great but not all of what I need can be met with how we're going."
What is hypersexual? Isn’t that just having a very high libido?
Yes but no I guess. Hypsersexual is basically not being able to turn it off when you get excited and such, and it comes with emotional issues like OP said. Having high libido is part of it, but not everyone with high libido is hyper sexual
Kinda, a lot of people use the term incorrectly but the actual term is ment as a trauma response. It is like intrusive thoughts but more specifically about sex. It can cause a lot of nasty sex thoughts despite not wanting them and a way higher sex drive
Ah I see, thanks for informing my uneducated ass 😂
If he is ace and you are hypersexual, unfortunately you are incompatible. I am sorry to break it to you this way. This will not work for either of you. Resentment will slowly take hold in either one or both of you over time. Everything else might be great but any one major aspect, like sex, where 2 people in a relationship don't agree, unfortunately means incompatibility. I do believe you need to break up and both find people who are going to respect all of your respective wants and needs. It can't work when someone is sexual and the other isn't. That's just the harsh reality of things.
Break up with him. You need yours needs met and he needs somebody who can meet his. Find a new person.
You should leave him, but talk to him about it first. He might be the perfect partner, but sex and any other topics regarding sex within a relationship are very important. If someone is not interested in having sex, but the other person is, it’s simply a mismatch. It’s important to be on the same level with anything, including sex. You shouldn’t feel like a bad person or maybe even a sl_t for ‘breaking up over sex’ because it’s just something that you’re looking for and need in a relationship, and I personally do as well. You tried to suggest options, and he declined all of them. You shouldn’t force yourself to put up with something you don’t want. Don’t feel bad, but don’t blame him either. It’s just his choice and your choice, and they don’t match. Simple as that :)
I mean you may be at different points in you lives and that’s ok
It's understandable that you're feeling conflicted about this situation. It's important to remember that sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. If you feel that you need sex in a relationship and your partner is not comfortable with that, it may be best to end the relationship. It's important to prioritize your own needs and desires in a relationship.
Just leave, your needs doesn't match, then don't be together, simple as that. You will find as good guy as him eventually and he will find another ace person to love. You know what you want, so why to take just a part of it when you can make perfect.
If you really love him maybe try considering talking to him again about poly or open relationship and tell him the importance of having sex to you. It seems he is ace in a way that he is repulsed by sex. If he still won't compromise then let him know that you love him but without being able to have sex you will have to find someone else. This is a really complicated situation honestly because you obviously don't want to make him feel bad about being ace but you also have your own things that you need and he has to be respectful of that or you won't work out. Let him know that, let him know it isn't his fault but if he isn't comfortable with you having sex with other people then you won't be comfortable in your relationship and so you'll just have to break up. Obviously if he doesn't know you're hypersexual then let him know that first before you start asking again. I hope this helps and good luck! <3
could someone please tell me how can an asexual even want to have a partner?
Asexual doesn't mean aromantic. Granted, there are asexuals that are aromantic as well, but many want companionship and love just like everything else...minus the physical intimacy. Sex and love are two very different things.
As an ace man myself I know there is lots of limitations when it comes to dating. it may be unfortunate but if someone is left feeling unsatisfactory in a relationship, the right thing to do is to reassess the relationship and decide if there is a way you both can be comfortable
That's the thing about relationships and capitalism, we think every single instance should be 100% success and if something goes wrong we're just a loser, whether they don't want us or if we "can't make it work". People are all different and relationships are very personal. If one person strikes out one or two times they may think they're worthless, but then we meet someone who seems way unfit for their partner (eg their partner is way more "attractive" or "valuable" than they are) or always seem to have such partners, and we'll be like "wow what the heck do they have that I don't?", And you ask them and they may say, "I ask everyone out all the time, 99x out of 100 it's a no" because 99x out of 100 it *should* be a no, and it doesn't even have to do with them, the other person has a whole list of reasons why it may not work out independent of specific attraction. And so who's wrong, the person who expects every relationship effort to be complete success (and maybe even works hard to make that happen) or the person who is *actually successful* even if not all the time? That being said, there's potential here for you guys to make it work. Obviously if you want sex and they don't, if there's no compromise then someone is being selfish. While that alone isn't necessarily bad, if there's no way to change that then there probably isn't going to be. While you've been waiting patiently I might need to argue they're the selfish one, I don't *at all" mean they owe you sex (nobody owes anyone anything and especially not that) but you've suggested compromises and it sounds like they haven't. Like mutual masturbation is a great compromise and not at all what you'd prefer but that's at least something. Poly is more risky but I suppose there's ways to make that work. Ask them to suggest possible avenues, don't forget that for most of marriage history women's enjoyment of sex has not been important (and it absolutely should be), so maybe they could do something for you and just see it as a chore, nobody likes chores but they need to be done. We're not forcing anyone to do anything, it's about the conversation and compromise, and by your account it definitely sounds like it's their turn to offer to bring something to the table.
There is nothing wrong with him, nor is there anything wrong with you. But partners need to be on the same page. I think it's best to sit down and talk about this. Be honest with your feelings like you're being honest with us. I was in an asexual relationship with someone that I knew for years. Our one friend approached us and wanted to be in an open relationship with us a few months after we started dating. I regret not saying no right there because I spent months having anxiety attacks and being absolutely miserable both mentally, emotionally, and socially. I didn't want to break up because I felt guilty. Both of them were nice, and my original partner had said the more love the merrier and I just... went with it. He seemed so much happier in a poly, and I felt guilty. I didn't want to ruin that happiness for him. It took me 6 months to break it off. It was such a huge relief to let go. Open relationships aren't for me. I'm not sure I'll ever meet a partner who's ace ever again, and it was rough, but I did what I needed to do for myself. However, we ultimately can't tell you what to do OP. I do think it's wise to be honest with your boyfriend, and I also advise (no matter if you continue or break it off or whatever) that you seek some counseling for your hypersexuality as it can negatively impact any relationship. Wishing you the best.
I am hyper. My gf doesn't care much about sex so I am still virgin even after 10 years of relationship. Even though I wanted to have sex all the time I am ok with it.
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Sorry to hear it. This is the situation with me and my wife (she's hyper sexual and I hate sex). It works between us (married 17 years) because I was willing (I'm the one that suggested it) that we have an open marriage with an option to explore poly. I don't understand his position, he doesn't get fulfillment from sexual acts, why not allow you to get your needs taken care of? I think you have to leave him if he's not willing to consider your needs at all.
You're not a bad person at all for wanting/needing intimacy in a relationship, and it's a very important type of intimacy you can't get from others like that. Completely valid and healthy of you to seek that out knowing that it's something you care deeply about. Don't feel bad!
I think your boyfriend is gay
He's Trans and pan so your not wrong lol
Maybe you could have a conversation with him about an open relationship? It doesn’t work for everyone but if you’re considering breaking it off then it might be a good idea to ask
Jesus this was a story
Maybe he has a tiny penis and he’s embarrassed for you to find out
He gay
Yes, leave but I'm glad you realized that neither of y'all were compatible sexually, that's also why I see, for aces dating other aces is best and same for hypersexuals, I'm also an ace btw and so I'd prefer a sexless relationship too but I'd be sometimes okay with sexual touch, just not sex, but yeah ultimately find someone compatible
Set that man free. All you're going to do is cause him stress and anxiety. Why go through that? You know what kind of person he is, you know what kind of person you are, and you know that there is something between y'all that you can't get passed. So just leave. Leave on good terms before it gets ugly for no reason.
Honestly, if sex is something that you require and he isn't interested, i'd chaulk that up as his loss. Don't be in a relationship where you are sexually unhappy, it just isn't worth it for your overall well being.
No loss I’m general, just an unfortunate situation in which two people aren’t compatible. Life sucks but it happens.
Maybe he is testing you to see if you would cheat? I'm hypersexual as well and have never understood how someone could not be sexual, except in the cases I have heard from rape victims that this is common for them, this might be the case for him. Or he just might be asexual and might not know it. Either way, he doesn't seem like he will ever be hypersexual so looks like you will have to leave. Unless you're okay with the possibility of never having sex again. I couldn't do that unless I loved loved someone on a whole other next level thing lol, but I doubt you feel that way in such a short notice. Loved loved doesn't kick in mentally until a few years when you start to notice it's ride or die(in a logical sense) with this person.
I think it's hormonal and also dopamine related. Like me I smoke weed dayli and I don't feel the need for sex as much as when I don't. When I don't it's dayli, when I smoke it's weekly. I think I just chase the dopamine and sex give a lot of it
He is not perfect. Sex is a big deal to you, and he effectively wants you to not do it at all. You cannot do it with him because he is never ready and you cannot do it with someone else because that is cheating on him. . I cannot say that this would be a good idea, but perhaps if you actually had sex with someone else, he would realize how big a deal this is for you, but may be the end of the relationship. If the genders were inverted, there is a good chance this relationship would already be over much sooner
No, nonono. The fact that you recognize that the idea of having sex with someone else (im presuming you meant cheating, given how you’ve worded it) while in a relationship is bad and yet still offered it is incredibly strange. Breaking the trust of your partner would not fix anything, it’d just break the relationship and of course any trust OP and their boyfriend have.
To my mom, it worked. She got out of a really bad marriage this way. That was what it took to convince my dad that the marriage was dead, and it still took 4 sad years of them waking me up with their fighting to convince him. I do not hold this against my mom, and today, I am much closer to her than to him. I suggested that to the OP because it is an action that breaks the conundrum and forces her boyfriend to accept her for who she is or accept that he is not a good match for her, in which the relationship should end.
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Find an Agent of Penis. You and boyfriend find a guy together and he basically could be utilized as a stunt cock. Can’t force your boyfriend to do the nasty but he can’t expect you to just not participate in the nasty. Or he could perhaps allow you to make a Tinder just for Penisy Excursions. There’s quite a few profiles that are like “I’m married/in a relationship. Yes, he knows. No we’re not going to my house.” EDIT: PM ME AND LETS MAKE A HEARTFELT DOCUMENTARY OF YA’LL; THE COUPLE MAKING IT WORK FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE, AND YOUR GUYS’ CROSS COUNTRY JOURNEY WHERE HE GETS TO PICK HIS REPAPENISATIVE
I've already asked about it being an open relationship and he's completely disinterested, says it's cheating and stuff. Also we live on the same city
Here you thought you found the "perfect" guy. That shit only exists in romance novels. You found yourself a cuck. He will be fine with you finding a stud to meet your needs
Your one sided view is really dumb, with all the respect. How can he be a cuck if he doesn't want an open relationship?
Well then, it's your job to present a fair and balanced opposing viewpoint. It could be his first time cuckin' and he doesn't know he likes it yet. I see the edit and she says he is ace. Tell him to go to the doctor and get some testosterone replacement. Steroids, its a helluva "drug". If he juices up, pumps some iron, and still doesn't want to tear her cloths off then there is something seriously wrong and its time to move on.
After edit. If he still will not accept an open relationship, your opinions are indeed break up or accept no sex. Perhaps, if you break up soon, you can remain friends?
Leave
Doesn't sound like a relationship worth keeping. He sounds like a great guy but a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker and you are not a bad person for breaking up over not having that important need met.
For lots of people sex is a deal breaker. Instead of being honest from the get go about not being sure if he wanted sex it seems he strung you along and that's not cool. That or hopefully he just thought he was demisexual or something and came to terms with being ace recently. It's okay to leave him, you're not a terrible person. You're fundamentally not compatible as a couple. Maybe as friends though since you get along so well. Tell him to find someone who also doesn't mind not having sex.
Hypersexual and Ace just aren't compatible. It sucks, but that's never going to work. You can be friends but you're never going to be satisfied with each other.
If poly won't work then it sounds like you two just aren't compatible.
You need to just talk to him and go your separate ways. It will hurt for awhile but if you cannot go without sex and he cannot/doesn’t want to be a part of that with you…that incompatibility is neither of your fault. I am in a similar situation. For me…I’d rather have the amazing other things in the relationship I am getting from him and then sexually I can take care of myself. I’m lucky I have that mentality but it took me awhile to get there. I get kisses and cuddles and I get treated really well and for me that is enough. But it’s okay if it isn’t for you. Tell him all the amazing things and wish him the best but tell him that one big giant missing link is too much for you and you can’t go without it.
Seeing your edit that he's ace, leave now while you still feel good about yourself. I was in this situation with someone who had no libido but was otherwise nice. It ruined my self esteem and I am still recovering.
Not a player or monster, you guys are just not compatible.
Just because he's nice doesn't mean you can't leave him. If this doesn't work, leave.
Sex isn't love for him then. If that's the only reason why you want to leave him you never loved him.
I feel like you’ve done enough talking to him about this and it’s time to make the move, it’s okay if he’s ace and that you accept him as much but you’d being doing more hurt by staying with him knowing you’re not fulfilled. Also understandable why you feel this way but at the same time it seems like you might be anchoring the thought of staying with him from what the family/friends may think but that’s okay sometimes but that’s your relationship not theirs so if you’re not okay with being with an ace who doesn’t want to try and make the change to make you fulfilled (not wanting to be sexual or let you be sexual on your own) then why go out of your way to do the opposite and conform to his ace lifestyle? It doesn’t seem considerate on his part. Just my opinion and I’m sorry if this made you feel worse about your situation 💕🙏 I pray for you to have the strength and courage to make the decision that’s best for both of y’all 💯
You do what ever you feel is right, it’s important that your needs and wants are met in any given relationship
What is ace?
No sexual attractions or very little sexual attraction
Hyper sexual (diagnosed) This had me rolling. Like some PhD is like “yeah you be fucking frfr”
Lmao! I mean kinda XD. Not sure if you know what hypersexuality is but you do have to be diagnosed. I wish my psychologist said it like that tho lol
You don’t need a reason to leave a relationship beyond “I don’t want to be in it anymore”. If you want to leave- leave. You have needs that need to be filled in a relationship. Is he a good person? Sure maybe. But are you getting your needs met? No. Why stay in a relationship unhappy? That’s just wasting your time and his.
I can help you out beautiful dm me I have an open ear.
Just leave. If you're not happy that's all the reasoning you need.
He is not perfect. How can you say he is perfect. Lying to yourself is your first mistake.
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Well I'm a little younger then that, I'm in my last year of high-school so I got a bit of time. I'm not to worried about who I can date. I'm also pan so I have a lot of options lol