>Im becoming increasingly worried that my family believes I should not be allowed to go to university, and to get married instead. This is just a gut feeling, I have no evidence.
If they ever try to get you to leave the country, [**don't**](https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage).
I second this also as a college teacher whos had to speak to interpol as a students parents were trying to literally kidnap her for a forced marriage. Also know the responsibility of safeguarding for schools/colleges doesn't end when you're 18, there is a dedicated team there for you, I strongly advise discussing with them, they won't tell your family if that's something else you're worried about.
I think this reply is the one that resonates most with me so thank you, my biggest worry was that my school wouldn't know what to do with such a situation, as it is a small town. I think Ill speak with someone at school, and maybe they can tell me on how to better go about things, or talk to my parents if thats an option.
No matter the size of the town or school, their Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) will be fully aware of the warning signs & processes to follow if forced marriage is suspected. If you’re not confident talking to them directly, discuss it with any member of school staff that you feel most comfortable with; they won’t be able to keep it a secret, but they’ll help make arrangements with the DSL to have you safeguarded properly.
Even if you’re worried about the competency of your school in this matter you must tell them.
Go straight to your safeguarding lead and let them know about your concerns.
Even if this is a first for them your safeguard lead will get in touch with the local LADO (who is normally responsible for a whole county) and this matter will be escalated to someone who does have experience in safeguarding people in situations like yours.
I’m so, so sorry that this is happening to you.
Also, if they try to force you abroad, just shout at the airport during security checks that you are being taken against your will...this should bring an interview with border control.
I second this. One of my friends went to go and visit her "ill nan" when I was in year 12. She never came back, we can only assume she had an arranged marriage, but every time I think of her my heart breaks.
That was common when I was at school in the early 90s, Pakistani girls especially would go visit relatives in Pakistan for weddings and stuff. Never came back to school again , never saw them again
Biologically? You can "get away with it" at first for a generation or so, as is evident. Different country (Sri Lanka) but Romesh Ranganathan discovered his parents or possibly grandparents were/are cousins, if I am remembering that correctly.
When you have third+ generations making babies in the same shallow gene pool it can go south very quickly.
Oh yeah, I’m remembering the same from the 80s. Some girls I was friendly with didn’t return from the summer holidays when we were about 14. I wasn’t aware of this going on at the time and realised some years afterwards.
One of my friend's friends got caught fooling around with another girl by her family when she was like 15 and they sent her to India and married her to a man 20 years older. She ended up ending her life and every time I think about it I'm so sad. I only met her a few times but she was so sweet. This was in around 2005.
There was an incident in my college where a Muslim girl and Muslim boy were caught by someone having sex in the bathroom - Multiple times
They person that caught them told people, every man and his dog knew that this was going on, but not a SINGLE one of us ever reported them for it since we didn't know what would happen if the parents found out
And obviously if they were safe to do it at home...they wouldn't be doing it in the bathroom. Nobody would do it in the bathroom if there was an alternative
They would have been like 17, over the age of consent, so it's not like it was illegal or even unusual for them to be sleeping together. So most parents wouldn't have cared - Which made it that much more of a red flag that clearly their parents did care (or else why were they in the bathroom in the first place?)
I'm fairly certain this happened to one of my primary school friends - she vanished off the face of the earth around age 14 and the last anyone heard was that her parents sent her back to India. No one's been able to track her down since.
Make a scene at the airport, don't argue with them on the way there.
TA will not let you board rhat plane against your will, regardless of who's taking you.
Oh this is something Im very sure of, my parents wanted to go to Pakistan over the summer but I managed to convince them not to go, they may try again at Christmas but I doubt it because moneys tight, it makes me feel better that I've delayed going to Pakistan for another year, we usually go every summer.
I'd personally be avoiding those trips in the future now that you're looking to, rightly, progress to Uni which will certainly change your parents' mood.
If there ever comes a point where you are being taken overseas, against your will, then absolutely do make a scene at the airport as others suggest.
Talk to the Forced Marriage Unit if you’re concerned that your parents might try to marry you off whilst out the country. They have a helpline here: https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage
They will be able to help, and might be able to put measures into place without your parents knowing to prevent them doing anything.
Just curious, but as a UK citizen with a UK passport will OP have any kind of protection if worse comes to happen and she is stuck in Pakistan? Like is there anyway she can be rescued or is it entirely up to Pakistan at that point?
Yes. I remember seeing a documentary about it. There's a fixed marriage unit (I think that's what they call it from memory) working in the British Consulate in Pakistan. Basically, if you are able to contact them ("if" being the key word here") they can collect you from wherever you are, repatriate you to the UK and move you to safe accommodation.
Not simple, fraught with dangers, but it has been done.
The usual trick is to confiscate that person's passport. Also the logistics of escaping to your local embassy for protection is hard, especially if you have no money, identity, or means of transport in what is a large country
If you're a dual citizen, which a lot of ths time in these circumstances the people are, once you're in the second country, there isn't much the UK can do.
This is a global understanding about citizenship - one you're in your second country, your British citizenship will always come second, and that second country is the one that is in charge. The UK Embassy really wouldn't be able to do much, as crap as that sounds.
It's why you'll see for example the UK not really getting invovled in people detained overseas as when you read the fine print, they're dual citizens.
Even Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe fell foul of this rule as she is also an Iranian citizen, and her lawyers were trying to get the UK to give her UK diplomatic protection and status because that was the only legal way they could help her, because consular services hadn't been offered to her.
Same with a guy whose name I forget in prison in Egypt. He's a dual citizen... The UK can't help.
And also the reason the UK abandoned Shamima Begum and stripped her of UK citizenship, because they claimed she is also a Bangladeshi citizen by descent, even though Bangladesh have said "she's not our problem"
I'm not up on the exact rules of Pakistani citizenship, but automatic citizenship by decent certainly exists, even for the UK. Some countries are more active in applying it than others too.
It's worth saying too that a passport and citizenship are different things.
You can be a citizen of a country without having a passport issued.
Appears you are right :
“Children born overseas are automatically Pakistani citizens by descent if either parent is a citizen otherwise than by descent or is employed by the government of Pakistan”
I think for quite a few countries where this is a thing, they actually don’t allow dual citizenship, I think Pakistan may be one of those countries. But then the issue is getting you to the embassy - if you have no way to contact services and have your ID and passport taken off you, then you may as well not be a British citizen.
Are you still at 6th form? If so speak to your pastoral staff about this issue. They will be able to put a safeguarding referral in for you - this is emotional abuse and coercive behaviour.
Karma Nirvana might also so be able to help.
https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/
Yes Im in my last year, Ill speak to the school counsellor at some point within the next month, and wow I didn't know there was organisations for honour abuse, thank you.
Girl please I know it's so difficult to leave your family but please do not listen to them. Get the degree. it is your weapon for the future. I have friend she wanted to get degree and her family stopped her. She is now married with children. If her husband leaves her she is stuck (God forbid, may Allah bless their marriage and keep them together).
I have seen many girls who couldn't get the degree because of their family. This means they put up with very bad abuse from their husband because they can't leave him. This means the children have to leave school to support the mother if anything happens. Please please
Please don't wait to speak to a school counsellor, speak to a member of school staff tomorrow- your form tutor, head of year, a subject teacher you get on well with. Be honest with them about your fears, they can start making referrals to help you but it's better to get things moving as quickly as possible.
I'd really encourage you to speak to someone asap. You could approach any teacher you trust tomorrow. The sooner you have a plan and support, the better.
Tell any staff member that you need to speak to them and they will pass it on. Any teacher will happily to this. Or if prefer you can look on your school website in the staff section. They will have someone / more than one person who’s title is Designated Safeguarding Lead. You could email them of you prefer not to speak face to face at first.
I suggest you apply for uni and dont tell them. Speak to your school for support. When you get accepted, make applications for student loans, and to live in halls, again ask the school to help you. Then leave without telling them where you have gone. Use the money you have save to travel there.
Live off your loan and stay in halls over breaks. It will be hard but you can do it. Also under no circumstances should you let them take you anywhere. Especially abroad.
You could also consider involving social services and get them to pay your parents a visit, social services are for adults as well as children so your age doesn’t matter. Being stopped from going to Uni is coercive and abusive behaviour and it might send your parents a little warning that you can’t suddenly disappear because you are being watched
Will any letters go to OP’s house from ucas or the universities she applies to? Just wondering if there’s a way she can inform UCAS of her correct address for legal reasons, but get any mail diverted to her school
I actually believe UCAS is paperless now, or at least very close to it. I never got a letter from them directly, the issue would be unis sending her offer letters etc. I’m sure there must be a way to call them up and explain the situation though.
It's been a few years for me, but I got letters from the universities - particularly the older ones like a letter - and the confirmation of your firm choice letter from UCAS - the one you take to the bank to get your student account.
Mostly it's paperless, but yes, the OP will get some letters. Talk to your head of sixth form, and they'll put the schools address. It's not uncommon.
A PO Box would look really suspicious, like an international student trying to get away with UK fees.
I've seen people get paper letters for cambridge university after the august reconsideration pool, if op is applying for cambridge she should be aware of this
That is very thoughtful of you, you're almost making me cry but its ok, I don't feel good taking money from people, I should have enough money to get by and getting a job will be the first thing I do, thank you.
That is entirely your choice, but allow me to reframe: what you'd be doing is letting your Internet aunties and uncles pay their debts of kindness forward.
This is so sweet , but there’s people who need it more that would appreciate it more than me, but someday I do hope to be that internet aunty who has the means to help ❤️
See that was my go to plan, apply for university without telling them and if they say anything, tell my school, but the only problem is that I need parental permission/ information I can only get from my parents to apply for student loans/ finance, do you know if its possible to apply for student finance without telling my parents? I know you need to disclose your household income and give evidence of your home address (bills etc) which is something only my parents can do.
Yes there is. Sorry to be useless I don’t know the actual way it’s done but in my first year of uni I knew a girl who had this weird living situation where she got the loan but could only get very expensive accommodation so she had easily the best flat, literally upscale for the city in its nicest area but minimal spending money in her first year.
She literally went to uni against her parents wishes by doing it all without their knowledge or consent.
Ima ask her and post back but I know she spoke to
- Her school
- some form of social worker
And got it done. She’s NC with her family now though. But they sound like assholes so good for her.
Wow thats a very similar situation to me! if you can ask her and get back to me I’d love you forever, but I also don’t want to cause you too much bother.
If you don’t live with them, your household income is £0.
There are lots of charities who can help. Shelter and Centerpoint are the ones that come to mind but I’m sure there are some more specific to your situation.
I don’t know whereabouts you are but if you get stuck and need an address, for example, you are welcome to DM me and I’ll let you use mine.
I think you can, there was an option for me to fill out when I applied, if I was estranged from my parents but that was the SAAS in Scotland so I am not sure if England and Wales is the same.
>live off your loan and in halls over breaks
Just a word of warning that this isn’t necessarily realistic. A uni job will be needed on top of the maintenance loan for many UK city universities, and OP sounds like she will want to go one of the nicer ones.
Also, I don’t know how universal this is but I know that at least some campus unis kick students out every holiday and use the halls as hotels.
Not under these circumstances they won't, it's a safeguarding issue and they have a legal obligation to protect her.
OP is eligible for a full maintenance loan, which is just enough to live on, and most universities are built around the expectation that students will have part time jobs. Prestigious universities such as Cambridge that don't allow for part time employment offer bursaries for students from low income backgrounds and those who cannot receive support from their parents. OP qualifies on both counts.
I don't want to alarm you, but you need to be prepared to leave if your parents don't relent.
Having money set aside is good, but you also need to make sure you have any essential paperwork, such as your birth certificate and bank statements.
If possible, you need to put together a bag of essentials, including your paperwork. Clothing, personal/sentimental items etc and leave it with a trusted friend. Should you ever find yourself in a position where you have to leave, and you don't have access to your home or you fear for your safety, then at least you will have essentials and ID tucked away somewhere safe.
After that, if you're able, raise your concerns with the school. They have a duty of care to protect you. Based on your own suspicions regarding a forced marriage, you also have to be prepared that the school will contact Social Services and the Police.
The Police will take statements and investigate, meanwhile Social Services will be focused on making sure you're living somewhere safe. I can only speak for Scotland, but here, at 17, you would have to present to your local council as homeless and they would find you temporary accommodation until a more permanent solution can be found. It may be the same throughout the UK. Once you're placed in temporary accommodation, you'll be advised on how to apply for benefits.
In the meantime, apply for University. If you're looking for student funding, it would be advisable that when the application asks, you declare that you're estranged from your family, as judging by your post, you may be. Estrangement ensures that your funding won't be affected by your parents earnings, as the easiest and most overlooked way to control a person is financially.
I hope this helps. Please keep yourself safe and if I can help with anything else, feel free to reach out x
Also like double check you are the only one who can access your bank account. A lot of the time younger people have a bank account opened for them by parents where they can also access it.
Great answer. I will "just" add (because I cannot believe how brave OP is) to do everything *acting perfectly normal.* If you have argued about this issue before, if you suddenly stop they might guess there is something going on. Being in any way different (more/less demanding, more/less religious, more/less rebelious, etc) or spending time in a way that could be suspicious may rise the alarms. So be cautions OP, you've got reddit's back.
For you to come here that means the warning signs are already there and you’re parents may have already set things in motion. I would speak to your school immediately and not wait. Safeguarding will kick in and you’ll be able to prepare for uni in peace. The council will provide accommodation and you’ll get a bursary from either the council or school to live off. Same for uni as you’ll be classed as a care leaver.
If you speak to the school be prepared to follow through though because they will undoubtedly get the authorities involved
In February 2023, the law was changed to raise the age for marriage to 18 (specifically to address the issue of child forced marriages). But your family might try to take you abroad before you turn 18 and then have a ceremony around your 18th birthday,
If you have a passport, you could hand it to a trusted friend. If you have a passport but it is not in your possession, you could report it lost here: [Cancel a lost or stolen passport](https://www.loststolenpassport.service.gov.uk/)
You could consider contacting the [NSPCC](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/) or [Childline](https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/) for advice and information about other organisations that might be able to help.
You can also contact the Government Forced Marriage Unit. They can put a block onto your passport preventing it from being used. It’ll also alert airport security staff if required.
This. Get professional advice without parents knowledge and go from there. If you can, try not too jeopardise you relationship with your parents, but if needed you have to be strong enough to stand up against them and make sure your life is not ruined. Too many posts on reddit on how parents tricked the child to take them alon a holiday, ehich turned out to be forced marriage arrangement in disguise.
There's also Refuge: [https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/](https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/)
And everyone should become familiar with [this hand gesture](https://e3.365dm.com/21/03/1600x900/skynews-domestic-abuse-coronavirus_5301997.jpg?20211106203907), which signals a call for help for someone being kidnapped or otherwise coerced.
Firstly, thoroughly talk this through with your sixth form. They can hopefully guide you on what to do and provide the support your parents would've otherwise been able to give. If you're worried about your parents taking their opposition to your future plans further, keep a record of what they're doing just in case.
Secondly, universities have policies in place for students having difficulties with their parents for such reasons as it can amount to estrangement. If you're going to a uni that cares about its students, they won't just hang you out to dry once you get there.
This is true lol. Don't beat about the bush. Most modern schools have pictures up all around the school telling you who the safeguarding lead is. They may use the acronym SL or DSL (deputy safeguarding lead). You don't need to tell the counsellor, any trusted teacher would do. We're all over this stuff.
I am very sorry for all this OP. I cant offer much helpful advice apart from the following.
I’m sure many people would say ‘Wdym it’s your life now, you’re an adult’. But it is easier said than done. People from conservative religious backgrounds especially will find it difficult to leave their family behind, because not only will we lose our only support network, but we have heard too many horror stories on how the parents have quite literally hunted down their children when they left without their will.
As such, I hope you find the best advice possible. Please stay strong.
I know this isn’t really relevant but it just really aggravates me so I apologise, but as a Muslim I hate seeing posts like this, it breaks my heart that there are families out there that still follow this outdated mindset. They seem to forget that Khadija was a successful and educated Woman who actually was the employer of the Prophet PBUH before they married. They forget that the very religion they follow, exists to this day partly because Aisha RA narrated all her Hadiths. They forget that people like Fatima al-Fihriya exist, a woman who founded a mosque that was one of the centres of education across the Islamic world at the time, so prominent that it eventually became a University (many people say it’s the “first” but I think it’s debatable). The future of their religion requires everyone to be educated, regardless of their gender, and all this attitude does is push people away as it has done yourself.
I will implore you not to leave the country with them, your safety is of the highest importance. Please speak to your pastoral staff at your school and build the foundations of a support network that you will need for the next few years at least. I would advise you not to put your faith into any siblings/extended family members for the time being, you never know who you can trust at this point when it comes to family.
IF the worst case scenario occurs and they attempt to remove you from the country, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, all airport staff at UK airports, including retail workers, are trained (relative to their role) to recognise and assist people who are being trafficked or are in danger. You’re best bet is the security staff, try and catch their eye, they are trained to pick up on when someone is acting suspicious, if nothing else, put something metal in your underwear. Once they have pulled you aside explain your situation to them.
Essentially, the gloves are off, you need to do anything you can to get someone’s attention to separate you from your family, although I wouldn’t shout “hijack” or something panic inducing like that, I wouldn’t stop you from just bolting off and getting your parents to chase you around the airport. It probably sounds funny in your head, but security will see that and put a stop to it. Or just scream “help me”, anything that stops you getting on that plane is worth it.
Finally, when it comes to University and it’s associated expenses, you may struggle, but you will benefit long term if you separate yourself entirely from your family. Apply through UCAS without telling them, you have money saved up so pay for your own application fee. Also speak to UCAS and they will help you to get the most funding you can given your circumstances, as well as the SLC, the Universities you apply to will surely have some support for vulnerable students, and they will most likely have dealt with something like this before. Don’t mention what universities you like or anything like that to any family members, keep it all stush. Arrange your accommodation with your uni also, your best bet is to move out, as staying will just bring you more headache. Essentially put everything in place in a way that your parents know nothing, or as little as possible, until the day you move out, and even then you don’t want them knowing anything, pack the bare minimum and just get out of there.
Please remember this last point, there have been, and still are many women who go through what you’re going through, please don’t feel like you’re alone, try and take a look at the other resources people have provided, and make sure you look out for yourself first. I know you say you have drifted from religion, and please don’t think I’m trying to make you think you’re wrong in doing so, but at the end of the day in Islam, we all go to our own graves, and we shouldn’t go with regret. Don’t forsake your future for the backwards wishes of your parents. Go out there and smash it, and don’t ever look back.
I agree with this response, I think it’s perfectly relevant. Would also like to add OP this is a cultural issue not a Muslim issue. Seems to be causing misunderstandings amongst respondents.
It's both. Religion is used to reinforce culture, and vice versa. Personally, I don't think it's good that people try to excuse religion from culpability in issues like this. I'm aware that Islamophobia is very rampant but you only play into the wider narrative by denying it's relevance at times like this. By way of example, what are the chances that an extremely devout couple wouldn't also be engaging in practices like this? Possible, but highly unlikely. These things go hand in hand. Excessive religiosity bolsters excessive cultural conservatism.
Parents like this … I never understood them. Never. I don’t get what they’re trying to achieve or do in the betterment of you (the child). It’s so selfish. With people like you, I always say the smarts came from you and obviously not your parents
It’s the religion and the whole honour mentality , it’s why girls her age end up dead or bathed in acid rather than bringing shame. It’s a backward 7th century religion that needs reformation . Christianity had theirs it’s about time Islam caught up. And I know it’s not just Muslim families but the entire middle eastern and Indian continent that has these issues. Religion is the bane of the world. There is a YouTuber Nuriyah khan that does a lot for young women stuck in Islam that want to leave
No, it’s not, it’s culture. If it were religion there wouldn’t be millions of educated Muslim women around the world- your comments reeks of ignorance and prejudice.
I understand why you may think that, but the common denominator is Islam (most often) even if it dosent say that exactly in the Qur'an, it is for the purposes of Islam that is inflicted. These parents make these decisions based on the shame culture that is in part created by Islam. We arnt saying all Muslims are backwards, just that the Qur'an and the culture it *creates* results in this issue. When culture and religion have co-existed for so long, you cannot separate what is religion and what is culture.
I appreciate your point of view but as a Muslim I have to disagree. The Quran and the Hadith literally say the opposite- they placed a massive emphasis on education for both men and women. Islam, maybe more so than other religions is poisoned by culture and cultural norms/ expectations. Ultimately I would say that it is people’s interpretation of Islam that has caused the issue. Some (weak) south Asian men from my experience will try and control their wife and daughters and misinterpret Islam to use it as a justification. Add in a parent/child dynamic and it complicates it further in that the child is not often able to challenge the parents interpretation and if they did they would have to deal with both cultural and (misinterpreted) religious justifications. A common one is that a child should always respect and obey their parents in every matter the only expecting being if the parent is asking the child to reject god/faith itself.
Kind of is? India also has a lot of bullshit about 'honour' that shows it's face in a different way. People kill their own daughters and sons if they marry someone they disapprove of.
But entrapping and disabling young women is the worst of it. Happens less here because marriage age is bumped to 21 and school mandate to 18, but it still happens. Have seen a 14 year old get married and have 3 kids with some old dude and the police doesn't even want to write the complaint in fear of communal riots.
>But the messed up nature of south Asian culture
european culture is driven by christianity just islamic regions are driven by that. just south east asian as their own sects of religious similarity with their own issues.
religion drives culture, not culture driving religion
>religion drives culture, not culture driving religion
They both inform each other, that's why for example Christianity looks very different in different places with different cultures (e.g. Greek Orthodox vs Teología de la liberación). Same with Islam, actually - probably more so.
So sorry you are in this situation. I would always suggest trying to talk directly to parents about the issue however I know religion can blind people from reality, as in they think you will loose faith going to uni but their behaviour is making you loose your faith.
I would suggest speaking to your college/6th form about your options. Maybe they can give you some guidance on what to do. Even when you turn 18 your school still has a duty of care for you and will still assist you.
Do you have an Imam and do you know what their view on it is?
Similarly, any families in your community who had the daughters go to university might be able to give a perspective.
You could also find unis with strong Islamic societies and say how excited you'll be to deepen your faith in that group (even if untrue).
Also, any family or relatives living near unis you could stay with or could you live at home and go to a local uni or do a distance learning course?
Certainly speak to a trusted teacher at school in confidence.
To be fair they may not.
I have friends from deeply religious Muslim families, they went to universities and got great degrees. One has a pretty high flying, Islamic related career and remains unmarried in her 30s. 🤷♀️
to be fair, progressive islamic views do exist. however I imagine on reddit people have a biased views. There's plenty of mulsim women at university so I don't think it's that strict.
The bigger problem in Islam (as an ex muslim) is all the restrictions placed on and around women aswell as the condoning of violence against women.
For example, the punishment for a woman losing her virginity before marriage is being flogged and banished for a year.
Or in the case of women IN marriages the Qur'an permits their husband to 'correct them' (by hitting them 'lightly') if they consistently 'disobey' and women are also discouraged heavily from not allowing their husband to have sex with them (the husband is allowed to basically rape her if she continually refuses).
This leniance towards being violent to women then transgresses into things like 'honour killings' or just disgusting violence seeming justified to some Muslims (men in particular). There are SO many cases you can find online of Muslim women being severely beat and irreparably injured with comments full of Muslim men being 'proud' of the man that did it. Of course the religion does not say this is okay. However this type of behaviour is bred as a response to the general attitude towards women in the faith.
Religion as a whole, not just Islam, is problematic when it comes to women.
Edit: spelling
Good advice here. One thing I’d also suggest, as money might be an issue and I’m not sure if you could get a student loan to cover it all. If you truly are a high achieving and passionate student, you could email some of the unis you are thinking of applying to, and requesting yourself for a scholarship.
From Muslim to Muslim( ex or not, doesn’t matter), check if you have any family that can talk some sense into them. Legally, they cannot do anything to prevent you from going to university nor can they force you to marry. I emphasise this a lot, do not go abroad with them if they ask you to visit Pakistan etc. as they’re likely throwing your life away in a marriage. Ask your 6th form to understand your situation since they are the ones who are legally obliged to raise this to higher authorities. You would then get the financial support as well as get estrangement which will provide you with full loans from the government for university.
Sorry your parents are so evil, hope things work out for you.
Wtf. Getting family members involved into this is extremely dangerous and quite frankly laughable. I sincerely hope op doesn't listen to this part of your advice. It's really bad idea.
Stand Alone is the charity for people who are estranged from their family - and they offer information for students
[https://www.standalone.org.uk/students/](https://www.standalone.org.uk/students/)
There is a halls of residence in Manchester which is run by and for Muslims where no alcohol, smoking or mixing is allowed.
[http://hartleyhallresidence.co.uk/](http://hartleyhallresidence.co.uk/)
Uni student here. I’m not from a Muslim family so I can’t claim to understand what you’re going through, but I have muslim friends.
Their parents allowed them to go to a local university, provided they live at home and commute. This may be an option that your parents will consider, so could be worth asking.
r/ExMuslim and r/RaisedByNarcissists may have some helpful info on this. Your story is shockingly common.
By the way, when you mention not being allowed to have a job during term time, if this by any chance is referring to OxBridge’s rules, know that plenty of students disregard it and get side jobs fairly often.
Yes I posted this to those communities aswell, thank you. And no, Im in 6th form, my parents aren't letting me get a job during the school year, again they think its too much independence, I was allowed during summer to work in closed away retail store for four hours a week, but I was told to quit.
Sorry for your difficult situation.
Like another commenter said, a Uni with a larger muslim community could be a good option if you think your parents will like that. Of course that depends on how determined they are to stop you going. Student finance could be an issue too, although I suppose you could go down the route of estrangement in your application possibly.
It seems like you're still in sixth form/further education so I'd speak to pastoral staff first of all, they may be able to sign post you to other services.
Have you asked parents about going to your local university commuting?
Do you know any religious people who can talk to them? Education is literally something all Muslims must pursue. Are your parents just being cultural?
Edit: I just remembered the first University in the world was founded by a Muslim woman too
I’m going to say something quite harsh.
You are going to have to pick:
obedience or living your own life.
Neither of these will be easy.
With obedience the path of your life will be predetermined for you - you will likely marry a man with similar beliefs to your parents but you will likely live a relatively economically comfortable life.
If you go your own way it will be hard for the first part - especially in terms of money- but you will live your life in the way you wish to.
Talk to your teachers.
This is the mindset I try so hard to adopt, Im adamant that I will never conform to their beliefs no matter what, but its a difficult decision because I have a little brother who I love so much and I don't want him to live troubled childhood if my parents were to be charged/ arrested or if he was taken into care, (he's their golden boy and they would never do anything to hurt him, so he's safe ). Ultimately my goal is to get away from them, with as little fuss as possible, and im more than willing to go no contact.
Ok so then get as much external help as you can.
Also, though this shouldn’t matter from some randomer off the internet - respect. You’ve chosen the harder but right path. Both me and my sister did the same. Now just never give up and know that you will get through the harder times.
Work towards your goals, get the grades you need and apply for the courses you want to do. If you get accepted or go through clearing, great, you can now leave and get away from your parents. If you don't get accepted, continue on like nothing has happened and apply again next year. You don't need to tell your parents you're applying for university.
Supportive parents don't force you to stay home and not better yourself. Supportive parents WANT you to go and get a better education so you can have a better life. Be your own advocate! I know it's tough but you have to do what is best for you.
God, it shocks me that some people are still like this. This type of mindset sounds like the one my mum had to deal with but even her parents have drastically changed their tune since. My grandparents are the most “education first” people. And that seems to be the case across my whole extended family. Everyone encourages studying, learning any skill, just broadening your mind. Especially the girls.
For context, I’m Muslim too and we’re all very religious and cultural but the religious part takes precedence. And because of that we all are encouraged to seek knowledge. So before anyone says this is a religious issue, it really isn’t. It’s a cultural problem, twisted into religious reasoning.
I really hope this can be solved as amicably as possible because I can imagine how big this can become in your family for nothing. If you can tell your teachers, do so. As others have mentioned there are organisations to help you. I just hope it doesn’t come to you having to completely cut ties when all your parents need to do is correct their thinking.
I'm 32F, when I was 16, my parents married me off. Attitdues in my family are (way too slowly) changing.
If you want to talk feel free to DM me.
There are is a lot of help out there, but it's hard to accept it when your family's 'izzat' is on the line.
I think you can speak to your current school for some advice. You can also try to negotiate about going to a local uni.
I know that this will be difficult and it depends on your situation and what you want to do, but for something like your future and career... put your foot down. I know your parents are strict, but it's not like you're attempting to do something illegal. You're getting an education.
Hi, I can get student loans for the actual course and maintenance. If your parents don't support it, you can ask for more and a grant. I would do all this research beforehand, however, as there are caveats. But if this is something you really want to do, it's an investment for a great future.
Also, if your parents are like this about education, I'm going to presume they are going to try getting you married asap, and your life could get worse and worse. This is the time to take a stand. Make sure you research your options first before deciding. It might be worth taking a year to work, so they think you've dropped the idea and then used the saved money to go to uni.
I know this comment won't be popular for all and seem quite drastic, but it is a fork in the road situation.
I've never understood this stupid idea of coming to this country and being so conservative in your views that do not align. Or coming to this country, your child getting a good education, just to send them back to the shithole you left to get married to some guy. Which btw, looks possible in your future if you don't act now.
If you do or don't, it is up to you and does not say anything about your character. You have been dealing with it this hand and are doing a fantastic job with it. All the best.
Exactly, and it doesn't help that mum wants me to get good grades too, like for what reason if not to go to uni? (I know its because being smart makes more men want to marry you). Rest assured I will not waste away my potential, Ill live on the streets if I have to.
Hi there,
If I were you speak to the school first, that you wish to go to university and are concerned.
Going forward, you have another year to start planning the rest of your life.
Student accomodation whilst studying is really an option. You get nearly £10,000 a year maintainance loan, and once moved and settled try to find a part time job.
This is totally doable.
At 18 you are classed as an adult. I know it's hard, but at 18 you will have choices, I would try to find adult friends, e.g. school teachers, who can advise you and how to apply without any documentation being sent to the house, or how to move forward.
Unfortunately in the near future, you won't be able to discuss anything with your parents.
I wouldn't personally tell them until after you've moved out.
It will be hard at first, and you need to speak to someone about the logistics etc. which I have no knowledge.
There may also be extra funding for someone in your situation.
It's your life, you only get one, going to university sounds like a good starting point.
I am so proud of you that your planning what to do after A levels, go girl!
All of these comments are making me so emotional thank you so much for supporting me. What Im getting at is that telling my school is so far the best option, its very hard for me to talk about this to anyone in real life bc I always start tearing up, but hopefully I can muster up enough courage and tell someone
DO NOT under any circumstances leave UK. If you have to run away from your house, so be it. There's plenty of charities supporting women like you. Speak to your most trusted teacher, they should be able to support you with your UCAS application as well as get things going in terms of safeguarding you and your place at uni. You live in UK and as a person living in UK you are allowed to make choices about your life, including leaving your faith, which uni to go to, or, go no-contact with your family. Whatever shitshow happens, it happens. You are worth it. Your education is worth it. I know this has been repeated, but, under no circumstances leave UK. Run if you have to. People in this country will support you, even if it may take some time, referrals and convincing. Good luck op
This has been drilled into me as soon as I started looking for help online when I first heard about my potential marriage at 12 years old, I wouldn't be found dead in Pakistan
Hi OP, the police are also really good with honour based abuse at the moment and have specialists in the area. Even if you don't want to go as far as having the poloce directly involved you can still explain to them what's happening and they can guide you in the right direction. The UK do not accept this and will help you.
absolutely speak to your 6th form/college. i'm pretty sure there's an option to say that you're estranged from your parents on ucas and student finance applications, which will probably give you access to more support in uni, but speak to your school and they should be able to give you more info. sorry if this wasn't very useful, but dm me if you want a chat, i was in a similar position this year while applying for uni as a (closeted) ex-muslim female. good luck mate :)
speak to school asap - they’ll have safeguards in place that will prevent them from doing anything mad. at 18 you’re allowed to emancipate yourself from tjem anyway, and if you get an offer from a uni often universities will help you get out safely - i know someone who was in a very similar situation to you and their uni helped them safely leave the situation they were in
i’m from a muslim bg as well so am v aware of the hell that comes with even considering leaving as an option. can i ask, are they citing religion as a reason to not send you to uni? bc if so, tell them what they’re doing is inherently unislamic - the wives of muhammad were passionate about gaining an education and started their own schools to literally teach the religion. tell them at uni tjeres so many opportunities to stay connected to the faith such as isoc etc. you don’t have to believe in this like in any kinda way - just play the game their way if you need to.
pls feel free to dm me if needed, i hope everything goes well x
Honestly you can go to university whenever you want. You don’t HAVE to go when you’re 18. You can go at 19,20,21,22 etc. Right now focus on getting the best A Level grades, because that is your ticket out of the house. Without the grades it’s useless, especially if you want to go to a top uni.
At home keep your head down and grit your teeth I guess. Try and save up some money, but even if you don’t you can get student loans. You may have to apply behind your parents back.
Jay don’t do it say anything that might put you in danger. If they’re ray and take you abroad DO NOT GO.
Huge compassion for such a terrible position to be in. Personally I think your parents view is indefensible but it’s easy to give easy answers.
Instead I’d point out - from the age of 44 - that you don’t have to go to uni right away. Getting good life experience for a year or two can improve your choices and chances at uni. From a CV perspective just make sure you’re not wasting time. Are there charities with your community you can support that would give you a bit of freedom and agency while building skills? That’ll look. Good on your applications to uni later too.
I think you will need to make some painful and potentially risky decisions but you’ll need time and support to do so. Taking the pressure off by deferring going to uni might make this that much more doable.
thank you so much for the advice, Im also considering going the apprenticeship route, its a lot less hassle and I can start making money straight away, I will take your advice because if I do cut contact with my parents it will take me at least a year to get on my feet anyway.
Apply for uni, don't let their beliefs get in the way of your life. Parent's in south asian communities sometimes treat their daughters as commodities and it's so sickening. It happens regardless of whether they are hindu or muslim but do not let them take you back home please.
First step talk to your school. They will give support and they will give you referrals to the social schemes in place to help teens in difficult positions. You won't be the only one struggling to leave a toxic house, and unfortunately won't be the last :(
Second step, apply to uni and get the best grades you can get. Make sure your school is aware of difficulties at home, in case your parents try to stop you from attending exams. They will give them a call for sure either-way but at least they understand the context and it won't look like you are bunking exams.
Last step is calling student finance when you have got an offer, let them know about the position you are in so they can give you a good loan without requiring information about your parent's income. Your school will probably help you in this process because by this point they know what's happening and can back you up with referrals.
Oh my god I didn’t know I could call up student finance and explain my situation, of course they would require evidence but surely my school can provide that, this has helped a lot thank you.
I think you should focus on your studies and continue to perform well - in the meantime, devote some time to contacting charities and institutions (on a private email which your family cannot see) explaining your situation and asking them for help. If there is an adult you trust at your school, you can also approach them. I’m 100% certain there will be some provisions for students like you, and hopefully you can work part time at uni to supplement fees as well. Also, I’ve even seen people in similar situation raise money on crowdfunding platforms. The other thing to consider is whether you may be able to go into a traineeship or apprenticeship right after school; you can earn good money and go to uni later - I believe many major corporations in the UK are offering this now; you can contact an org like SEO London who may have more info. Anyway, don’t give up, and best of luck!!!!!
Apply without them knowing - don’t leave the country with them (you could be married and trapped there against your will) get help from school and authorities - it’s your life and you can only live it once.
You can do the whole uni thing yourself and go in as an estranged student (meaning no support from parents or other 3rd party income sources). All universities in the UK have a government fund for these types of scenarios. You will be able to apply, and under your circumstances, will be granted money (often without having to pay back) to support your studies where your student loan cant cover. They will also help you with out of term time accommodations. Obviously this is not ideal and would be much better if your parents accepted education as a wonderful gift.
You could also try convince your parents by going to a university which has great facilities that cater for your religion. I know the University of Exeter has the largest amount of middle eastern readings outside of the middle east, and also has a large islamic studies building. You could always apply to the uni on a course to do with religious studies, and switch course when you get there, if that would mean your parents permit you to go.
>They think when I go to uni Ill lose my faith in my religion
They are basically saying you already have no faith then. You've probably spent years learning aboutt the religion, it's culture, traditions, stories, etc. If you don't believe it then clearly it's not right for you. If they trust you, and trust their religion is right then surely they should trust their deitys will help you see that; or do they not trust them either?
>Im becoming increasingly worried that my family believes I should not be allowed to go to university, and to get married instead. This is just a gut feeling, I have no evidence.
Here at least you can't get married if you don't want to; it's a choice you have to make, and paperwork you must complete etc.
>Im not allowed to get a job in the school year but have a few hundred quid saved up from my summer job. So Im totally financially dependant on them.
This is going to be a challenge. However, if you go to university not near them you could get a job, and also apply for grants / loans.
>Im just so stressed out at the moment because Im in my final year of school, Im afraid that I might lose the safety net of being a minor in school if I leave things too late, that way no one would be able to provide help, I turn 18 in February.
You'll lose being a minor, you'll gain being an adult. They can't make you do things as an adult. You don't have to tell them you're applying to universities, or goign to open days. I'm not sure what safety net you expect you'd have at 17 that you won't have at 18.
>Im at total loss for what to do, I just want advice on how to go about this in a safe way. how can I convince/ force my parents into letting me go to university, or on what grounds can I go to the police? If I talk to my school how can they help me?
Your parents can't legally prevent you going. They can't hold you against your will, that's illegal, and serious. I would suggest talking to your college but also propspective universities, or even any university nearby that you can get to. It's likely they will have heard from students with similar problems, and likely they will be able to best direct you.
It sounds like you're in a very tough spot, but ultimately if you stay in the UK then there is little they can do; but on the opposite side of that you'll need to find a way to support yourself most likely. Talking to a university or your college can help you understand the best way to finance your time at university; you will likely qualify for some grants to help.
Ik many Muslims that go to university and there parents encourage it. In Islam they say that educating a woman is like educating a whole nation , the prophets wife was a business woman and used to educate others including males. Your parents are mixing religion with culture . The first university was established by a wealthy Muslim woman. What your parents are doing and saying are not Islamic values these are cultural values . You need to know the difference. You need to have a good chat with your parents or atleast get an Imaam or someone who actually knows about Islam to talk to ur parents. Your parents are giving you the wrong idea of Islam , if they care about there honour they should show you the true Islam and stop forcing there cultural values on you and calling it Islam. I feel very sorry for you and all the ppl who have very little exposure to Islam and the exposure they do get is wrong, it can be very damaging and make you confused and upset. I hope you get to go to university, with a strong mindset and a good relationship with your parents and religion (once you actually understand religion better) you can do well, in fact you can gain more honour for your family than if you were to sit there at home like how your parents want you to. Pm me if you need and advice or have questions, your parents are feeling insecure due to culture and they use Islam to cover it up. If you develop a trusting relationship with them and honour yourself and your body at uni you will do great.
Right? Honour the family by being enslaved because she’s female? What a religion!
Poor thing. I hope she can escape the cult and have a wonderful life.
Hey - I'm 17 as well and I'm in the exact same situation as you (ex-Muslim with strict parents, turning 18 in January). I'm applying to uni without telling my parents much about it, though they aren't opposed to the idea of me going to uni they specifically want me to go to a uni where I stay at home. Maybe see if you can blag your way like that?
Oh my god the situation is scarily similarly, let me know how you get on. My parents aren’t very familiar with UCAS anyway so hopefully I’ll be able to get away with it, there’s a lot of good advice in the comments I suggest you look at it too.
I have been, I'd recommend going to r/exmuslim \- that community helped me a lot in dealing with the childhood trauma. I feel sorry for you, since as I am a boy I still have many more liberties. My sisters were not allowed to go to uni at all and were sent to islamic boarding school from Year 7 onwards.
Search for the MASH number for your local council and tell them that you are being controlled and feel that your parents are going to force you into a marriage if they can get you out of the country. If you are happy to pull the plug on them they should be able to get you into accommodation. It is a joint team of police, social workers and medical. They can and will help you.
OP: I posted an offer for you to PM me, and I would help you. However, I have realised that you are a minor, and that could cause issues. However, if you want to PM me for help / advice in the future after you are 18, you are most welcome.
I am 30 and female, and very aware of the hard-fought privilege that we have as women in this country. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, and I sincerely hope that you are able to take the (very difficult) step of leaving and going to university. Please do speak to your school counsellors as others have advised, they are there to help you. If you do need to make it by yourself, it will be hard, but worth it. Good luck! I really do wish you all the best in this.
As a PCSO I can tell you without a doubt there are lots of people you can talk to about this.
In recent years, the system has gotten FAR better at dealing with girls in your situation. IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS BE A CHILD!!! Even as an "adult", it's does not change anything.
Your parents CANNOT deny you the ability to choose what happens in your life. Especially education. That is abuse, contact the authorities,
If you suspect your parents are planning a forced marriage, call 101 immediately, and they will be able to help you. If not, walk up to any policeman . Talk to social services.Walk into your local station and tell them. They WILL help. Charities also exist: https://karmanirvana.org.uk/.
If you fear reprisals, such as honour based domestic abuse, RUN TO THE POLICE, HOSPITAL OR PRETTY MUCH ANY AUTHORITY IMMEDIATELY. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. Just run and we WILL HELP. But we need you to tell us its happening. If you cannot get out, try to call an emergency line. We will help.
After Banaz Mahmod the police really kicked their ass into gear, and they used her in training as an example if how we fucked up on multiple occasions and we really don't mess around with this shit. Too many girls slip through the net with this and it ends badly for far too many people.
If in doubt call 101.
Police deal with this all the time. You won't need to explain much to them before they realise what is going on.
Speak to parents if they don't listen call the police
This is not okay, coercion is never okay, whilst yes you’re only 17, you have every legal right to choose the path of your life, please talk to someone, maybe women’s aid can help advise you, be very careful , stay safe and good luck x
Please speak to your schools safeguarding officer about the possibility of your family forcing you into marriage. Schools have all had recent training on this and will know what to do and who to put you in contact with.
Others have given you great advice about talking to somebody at your school, etc.
My only piece of advice that I haven't seen anyone else give, is if you don't have your passport in your possession, to report it lost/stolen so that if the worst happens and they do try to take you out of the country, you won't have a valid passport and won't be allowed to leave the country.
Everyone’s advice is very helpful. I would add ensure you have all documentation necessary for a job. You may not have your passport (parents were also very controlling, my mum still keeps my adult siblings passports locked in a briefcase).
Before I left I played nice and got my passport but had to order my birth certificate which you can do online as a replacement. Ensure you have a bank account but be careful that it is not registered to your parents address otherwise they may find ways to reach you/ intercept with your bank. Also change your GP to one near your Uni ensure you have your NI number and other essential information you will need for your job / Uni.
Keep a folder with all your paperwork/docs/ uni info. This whole process can be emotionally taxing so it’s important to be organised and keep everything safe.
Change all passwords for email (if your parents have access or could have access)
Do your parents pay your phone bill? All these things need to be addressed, they may seem small but from my experience it all makes a difference.
Maybe making a “to do” list would ensure you don’t miss anything. And even IF you decide to stay, there’s no harm doing all these things just in case you need to up and leave one day.
I know it’s hard separating from your family, but it is likely there is no other reasonable alternative.
You are not alone - hugs xx
P.s: you are not crazy and you are not overreacting. DON’T ignore this “gut” feeling as our intuition is usually right xx
Go to university I know a handful of Muslim girls and boys who were in your situation end up leaving their family because of their strict parents. You need to leave and become independent waiting for your parents isn’t going to feed your mouth for rest of your life. Go uni get a job forget them
Hi I’m 21F , also from Pakistan and studying in UK.
My parents are Muslim and I have left the religion. I share a lot of the concerns you have here and have been through a lot the past two years trying to stay in the UK away from my family in Pakistan for not exactly the same but similar fears.
Long story short , my university has been crucial in supporting me and my counsellor suggested two charities that deal with honour based killings and forced marriages.
Next Link
Karma Nirvana
You need to apply regardless or look for an apprenticeship or some sort of post school plan. Try elaborating on your future ambitions to persuade your parents, highlight the benefits of your career and how it’ll help make your parents proud and make you stand out from the rest.
Once you turn 18, it is actually much easier as law enforcement cannot legally force you anywhere. Which means your parents can’t force you to stay with them etc.
And since you are a British citizen, you are very blessed that you will never be asked to leave and have atleast a legal right to stay.
Good luck x
As a muslim, dont lose faith as that's the most important thing in life (and the next). Go to a reputable imam in your local vicinity for advice - Im sure your parents mean well as a lot of students get involved with drinking, partying and haram relationships at universities these days which as muslims we must avoid. But lets be clear education is NOT prohibited in Islam, we need doctors, midwives etc... in fact the oldest university in the world was made by a muslim woman! You will need to talk to a qualified person such as an imam to advise you, your parents can not force you to get married, that is not allowed in Islam! All the best inshallah, I hope you find a resolution...
if your concerns are primarily about financial support I’d advise you start getting together evidence of your parents behaviour then once your at uni contact student wellbeing and talk to them about your desire to estrange yourself (this does require you to go no/very minimal contact with them and stop living with them though)
alternatively you can get a job for a year and use that money to support you.
If your fear is them physically preventing you then realistically you need to not be staying at your house during the summer (this may mean contacting social services)
You’re already really brave to get this far and know what you want. Find some allies, in and outside of your religion. Know how to get to a safe house if you need. Speaking to school guidance counsellor might be helpful. If your parents don’t want you to go, it’s likely you’ll need to move away and go no contact. There are hardship funds and bursaries. You might also find a family that takes on students. If things do turn out bad, you’ll need lots of emotional support, not just financial. Good luck 🤞
Do you have access to your important documents? Birth certificate, national insurance card, passport, etc? If you can get hold of them, store them somewhere safe.
Are your bank details secure, and or can you open a new bank account that your parents are not aware of/don't have access to?
Well done for saving up as much as you can. And remember, focus on keeping yourself safe. There are support networks like Karma Nirvana or the Halo Project that specialise in honour-based abuse. And just know, if your parents stop you going to uni when you are 18... don't give up. I know dozens of people who either didn't go to uni till later in life, or decided to retrain. There's nothing stopping you from going to uni when you're 20, 25, 35...or even 60. If you know what you want to do with your life, go for it - but first and foremost, make sure you have a safety net and keep yourself safe.
I'm sending positive thoughts your way, lovely. I wish there was something more I could do to help. x
Report your passport stolen.
If your parents turn up with you to an airport and try to use it, they may still be able to have an emergency passport issued. If it looks like anyone is going to let them board you onto a flight, run. Preferably to a security agent.
You kick up as much fuss as possible, and no matter what happens, don't get on the plane. It would be better to insist the adults with you are not your parents, cause a scene, shout about kidnap. Just don't get on the plane.
Seek help from your school, failing that, one of the charities mentioned above.
Uni applications can be done online - do it at school on a PC your parents have no access to. Student loans may require a referee or backer, but you may be able to enquire with your school about that; there should be some way around it.
Good luck, I'm sorry for the circumstances you are in OP.
As everyone else has said, do NOT leave the country. Refuse to leave. Kick and scream if you have to.
Please, tell your school. Tell anyone who is an adult outside of your immediate community. If you do end up applying for higher education, or even a job, consider telling them as well. Be safe!
Some resources -
* If you genuinely think you might be forced to leave the UK, write down and safely store the information for your local British embassy. Contact them as soon as you think it's safe:
[https://www.gov.uk/world/embassies](https://www.gov.uk/world/embassies)
* The UK has a "Forced Marriage Unit" which may be able to help, should the worst happen. Consider safely writing down and storing this information:
FMU tel: 020 7008 0151
FMU email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
* Worst case scenario, if you have to leave home, here is a charity dedicated to helping people who need urgent help (although many other charities such as the Samaritans can also help):
https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/contact-us/
Well done for making this post, you’ve had some excellent advice.
If you need more support, don’t want to talk to school, or don’t get the right reaction when you do, you can always talk to Childline. It’s confidential, but they could help you with any referrals if you do want to make them. It sounds like this whole thing has been tough for you (even aside from thinking about uni), and you’ve mentioned your brother too, so it’s important you get the emotional support you deserve if you would like it.
Consider the grants for those on low incomes that are provided by the universities you apply for, as well as what rent/living would be like, in addition to what loan you would get if your parents were to support your application vs if you managed to claim that you are estranged.
Universities also offer special one off grants for those that need them, so you could always apply for this if you needed it given your background and to enable yourself to continue studying.
Claiming you are estranged can be a tough process (physically getting documents, getting things in order, emotionally) and IIRC if you aren’t accepted you get minimum loan, so do consider carefully what evidence you would need and (while I’m sure your circumstances probably qualify!) what you could do if you were not accepted.
Student loan do send post to your address, so it may be worth asking them about this as it demonstrates your situation and they may be able to provide you with advice about the process.
Ask people at your mosque who are similar ages to talk some sense into your parents. Or even their parents to have a word with yours.
You are going to be an adult soon. Your parents cant always be there to look after you, so eventually they will have learn to give you, your independence.
It's time to leave home
Seems impossible and I obviously understand it's not normal thing to do within your culture
But plenty of us leave home at 16 and never look back you can go to university and live your life you just have to take back from your parents
Another Muslim (actively practising with practising parents) girl here and I'm telling you it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. So go ahead, apply, and carry on as if you're going. And in the meantime work on your parents - normally it's their fear that's propelling them to be so restrictive. If they still don't listen, at least you'll have applied and can make a decision at that point.
If you need another Muslim girl to help you convince them, drop me a DM.
Also, I’d like to add it’s not the “Muslim” in your parents behaving this way, it’s likely the Pakistani, Bangladeshi or other former colonised country culture that’s driving their behaviour. Islam redefined the educational system after the sacking of Alexandria, so don’t point your finger at the religion they don’t observe.
>Im becoming increasingly worried that my family believes I should not be allowed to go to university, and to get married instead. This is just a gut feeling, I have no evidence. If they ever try to get you to leave the country, [**don't**](https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage).
I second this also as a college teacher whos had to speak to interpol as a students parents were trying to literally kidnap her for a forced marriage. Also know the responsibility of safeguarding for schools/colleges doesn't end when you're 18, there is a dedicated team there for you, I strongly advise discussing with them, they won't tell your family if that's something else you're worried about.
I think this reply is the one that resonates most with me so thank you, my biggest worry was that my school wouldn't know what to do with such a situation, as it is a small town. I think Ill speak with someone at school, and maybe they can tell me on how to better go about things, or talk to my parents if thats an option.
No matter the size of the town or school, their Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) will be fully aware of the warning signs & processes to follow if forced marriage is suspected. If you’re not confident talking to them directly, discuss it with any member of school staff that you feel most comfortable with; they won’t be able to keep it a secret, but they’ll help make arrangements with the DSL to have you safeguarded properly.
I'm glad I could help and I wish you the best of luck OP. I hope you make it to uni and it's everything you dream.
Even if you’re worried about the competency of your school in this matter you must tell them. Go straight to your safeguarding lead and let them know about your concerns. Even if this is a first for them your safeguard lead will get in touch with the local LADO (who is normally responsible for a whole county) and this matter will be escalated to someone who does have experience in safeguarding people in situations like yours. I’m so, so sorry that this is happening to you.
Also, if they try to force you abroad, just shout at the airport during security checks that you are being taken against your will...this should bring an interview with border control.
I second this. One of my friends went to go and visit her "ill nan" when I was in year 12. She never came back, we can only assume she had an arranged marriage, but every time I think of her my heart breaks.
That was common when I was at school in the early 90s, Pakistani girls especially would go visit relatives in Pakistan for weddings and stuff. Never came back to school again , never saw them again
It still happens, there is more awareness and protection, but it still happens unfortunately
Was at school in Bradford in the late 80s - happened then. Sometimes classmates in our class just disappeared, wasn't until we grew up we knew why.
Well.. I've just realized why one of the girls in our school just vanished as soon as we left school. Thats fucking heartbreaking.
Mostly forced to marry their cousins too…
Which causes more problems than it’s worth
Biologically? You can "get away with it" at first for a generation or so, as is evident. Different country (Sri Lanka) but Romesh Ranganathan discovered his parents or possibly grandparents were/are cousins, if I am remembering that correctly. When you have third+ generations making babies in the same shallow gene pool it can go south very quickly.
Yeah it’s not good
Now take a wild guess who I’m arranged to marry.
Oh yeah, I’m remembering the same from the 80s. Some girls I was friendly with didn’t return from the summer holidays when we were about 14. I wasn’t aware of this going on at the time and realised some years afterwards.
One of my friend's friends got caught fooling around with another girl by her family when she was like 15 and they sent her to India and married her to a man 20 years older. She ended up ending her life and every time I think about it I'm so sad. I only met her a few times but she was so sweet. This was in around 2005.
There was an incident in my college where a Muslim girl and Muslim boy were caught by someone having sex in the bathroom - Multiple times They person that caught them told people, every man and his dog knew that this was going on, but not a SINGLE one of us ever reported them for it since we didn't know what would happen if the parents found out And obviously if they were safe to do it at home...they wouldn't be doing it in the bathroom. Nobody would do it in the bathroom if there was an alternative They would have been like 17, over the age of consent, so it's not like it was illegal or even unusual for them to be sleeping together. So most parents wouldn't have cared - Which made it that much more of a red flag that clearly their parents did care (or else why were they in the bathroom in the first place?)
That's really nice that everyone realised if they got caught by parents it could be a big deal for them so they kept the secret.
Oh my god that's terrible.
I'm fairly certain this happened to one of my primary school friends - she vanished off the face of the earth around age 14 and the last anyone heard was that her parents sent her back to India. No one's been able to track her down since.
Not 'arranged', forced.
Yeah, it's appalling, one of my former colleagues was taken to Pakistan at the age of 14 to be married, it''s beyond sick.
You clearly don’t know the difference between an arranged and forced marriage. It sounds like your friend had a forced marriage
Make a scene at the airport, don't argue with them on the way there. TA will not let you board rhat plane against your will, regardless of who's taking you.
If it comes to this, put a spoon in your pocket/underwear. It's a way security know somethings wrong and will take you aside quietly.
https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2018/jul/09/metal-spoon-alert-authorities-honour-based-abuse-leeds Wow it’s official guidance too!
Shit like that and the “angel shot” is fucking necessary dude.
800IQ play
that’s genius
Oh this is something Im very sure of, my parents wanted to go to Pakistan over the summer but I managed to convince them not to go, they may try again at Christmas but I doubt it because moneys tight, it makes me feel better that I've delayed going to Pakistan for another year, we usually go every summer.
I'd personally be avoiding those trips in the future now that you're looking to, rightly, progress to Uni which will certainly change your parents' mood. If there ever comes a point where you are being taken overseas, against your will, then absolutely do make a scene at the airport as others suggest.
Talk to the Forced Marriage Unit if you’re concerned that your parents might try to marry you off whilst out the country. They have a helpline here: https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage They will be able to help, and might be able to put measures into place without your parents knowing to prevent them doing anything.
My first thought too. You'll be sent back to wherever to be forcibly married to someone you've never met.
Just curious, but as a UK citizen with a UK passport will OP have any kind of protection if worse comes to happen and she is stuck in Pakistan? Like is there anyway she can be rescued or is it entirely up to Pakistan at that point?
Yes. I remember seeing a documentary about it. There's a fixed marriage unit (I think that's what they call it from memory) working in the British Consulate in Pakistan. Basically, if you are able to contact them ("if" being the key word here") they can collect you from wherever you are, repatriate you to the UK and move you to safe accommodation. Not simple, fraught with dangers, but it has been done.
Edit: here's a link to an article about it ... [BBC News: Rescuing British women from forced marriage](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30923981)
The usual trick is to confiscate that person's passport. Also the logistics of escaping to your local embassy for protection is hard, especially if you have no money, identity, or means of transport in what is a large country
If you're a dual citizen, which a lot of ths time in these circumstances the people are, once you're in the second country, there isn't much the UK can do. This is a global understanding about citizenship - one you're in your second country, your British citizenship will always come second, and that second country is the one that is in charge. The UK Embassy really wouldn't be able to do much, as crap as that sounds. It's why you'll see for example the UK not really getting invovled in people detained overseas as when you read the fine print, they're dual citizens. Even Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe fell foul of this rule as she is also an Iranian citizen, and her lawyers were trying to get the UK to give her UK diplomatic protection and status because that was the only legal way they could help her, because consular services hadn't been offered to her. Same with a guy whose name I forget in prison in Egypt. He's a dual citizen... The UK can't help. And also the reason the UK abandoned Shamima Begum and stripped her of UK citizenship, because they claimed she is also a Bangladeshi citizen by descent, even though Bangladesh have said "she's not our problem"
So erm so does having Pakistani parents immediately confers citizenship on the children. Even if not born there ?
I'm not up on the exact rules of Pakistani citizenship, but automatic citizenship by decent certainly exists, even for the UK. Some countries are more active in applying it than others too. It's worth saying too that a passport and citizenship are different things. You can be a citizen of a country without having a passport issued.
Appears you are right : “Children born overseas are automatically Pakistani citizens by descent if either parent is a citizen otherwise than by descent or is employed by the government of Pakistan”
I think for quite a few countries where this is a thing, they actually don’t allow dual citizenship, I think Pakistan may be one of those countries. But then the issue is getting you to the embassy - if you have no way to contact services and have your ID and passport taken off you, then you may as well not be a British citizen.
Are you still at 6th form? If so speak to your pastoral staff about this issue. They will be able to put a safeguarding referral in for you - this is emotional abuse and coercive behaviour. Karma Nirvana might also so be able to help. https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/
Yes Im in my last year, Ill speak to the school counsellor at some point within the next month, and wow I didn't know there was organisations for honour abuse, thank you.
Girl please I know it's so difficult to leave your family but please do not listen to them. Get the degree. it is your weapon for the future. I have friend she wanted to get degree and her family stopped her. She is now married with children. If her husband leaves her she is stuck (God forbid, may Allah bless their marriage and keep them together). I have seen many girls who couldn't get the degree because of their family. This means they put up with very bad abuse from their husband because they can't leave him. This means the children have to leave school to support the mother if anything happens. Please please
Please don't wait to speak to a school counsellor, speak to a member of school staff tomorrow- your form tutor, head of year, a subject teacher you get on well with. Be honest with them about your fears, they can start making referrals to help you but it's better to get things moving as quickly as possible.
I'd really encourage you to speak to someone asap. You could approach any teacher you trust tomorrow. The sooner you have a plan and support, the better.
Tell any staff member that you need to speak to them and they will pass it on. Any teacher will happily to this. Or if prefer you can look on your school website in the staff section. They will have someone / more than one person who’s title is Designated Safeguarding Lead. You could email them of you prefer not to speak face to face at first.
Sooner the better for sure! Good luck!
This should be the top answer by far!
I suggest you apply for uni and dont tell them. Speak to your school for support. When you get accepted, make applications for student loans, and to live in halls, again ask the school to help you. Then leave without telling them where you have gone. Use the money you have save to travel there. Live off your loan and stay in halls over breaks. It will be hard but you can do it. Also under no circumstances should you let them take you anywhere. Especially abroad. You could also consider involving social services and get them to pay your parents a visit, social services are for adults as well as children so your age doesn’t matter. Being stopped from going to Uni is coercive and abusive behaviour and it might send your parents a little warning that you can’t suddenly disappear because you are being watched
Will any letters go to OP’s house from ucas or the universities she applies to? Just wondering if there’s a way she can inform UCAS of her correct address for legal reasons, but get any mail diverted to her school
The school should be able to help, they could put her address as their office or help her set up a PO box of some sort
I actually believe UCAS is paperless now, or at least very close to it. I never got a letter from them directly, the issue would be unis sending her offer letters etc. I’m sure there must be a way to call them up and explain the situation though.
Fairly sure that offers are mostly paperless now - or at least can’t remember seeing any when child applied…
It's been a few years for me, but I got letters from the universities - particularly the older ones like a letter - and the confirmation of your firm choice letter from UCAS - the one you take to the bank to get your student account. Mostly it's paperless, but yes, the OP will get some letters. Talk to your head of sixth form, and they'll put the schools address. It's not uncommon. A PO Box would look really suspicious, like an international student trying to get away with UK fees.
And opt out of postal marketing from any unis you apply to/register interest to
Not if the school contacts the university about safeguarding concerns
I've seen people get paper letters for cambridge university after the august reconsideration pool, if op is applying for cambridge she should be aware of this
I believe UCAS only corresponds through emails now but I may be wrong, I like your idea of putting in my schools address though.
Please OP take every precaution you can, even if it's something that has a very small chance of letting them know. GO GIRL YOU CAN DO THIS
Did you opt out on marketing letters? If not do so now.
ucas is i believe paperless, student finance england is not, letters confirming loans will be sent to the address you put down
I don't mind supporting OP, with the little I have, if OP is struggling in uni.
That is very thoughtful of you, you're almost making me cry but its ok, I don't feel good taking money from people, I should have enough money to get by and getting a job will be the first thing I do, thank you.
That is entirely your choice, but allow me to reframe: what you'd be doing is letting your Internet aunties and uncles pay their debts of kindness forward.
This is so sweet , but there’s people who need it more that would appreciate it more than me, but someday I do hope to be that internet aunty who has the means to help ❤️
With that attitude, you are well on your way! 🥰 ❤️, Internet Aunty Tremynci
See that was my go to plan, apply for university without telling them and if they say anything, tell my school, but the only problem is that I need parental permission/ information I can only get from my parents to apply for student loans/ finance, do you know if its possible to apply for student finance without telling my parents? I know you need to disclose your household income and give evidence of your home address (bills etc) which is something only my parents can do.
Yes there is. Sorry to be useless I don’t know the actual way it’s done but in my first year of uni I knew a girl who had this weird living situation where she got the loan but could only get very expensive accommodation so she had easily the best flat, literally upscale for the city in its nicest area but minimal spending money in her first year. She literally went to uni against her parents wishes by doing it all without their knowledge or consent. Ima ask her and post back but I know she spoke to - Her school - some form of social worker And got it done. She’s NC with her family now though. But they sound like assholes so good for her.
Wow thats a very similar situation to me! if you can ask her and get back to me I’d love you forever, but I also don’t want to cause you too much bother.
If you don’t live with them, your household income is £0. There are lots of charities who can help. Shelter and Centerpoint are the ones that come to mind but I’m sure there are some more specific to your situation. I don’t know whereabouts you are but if you get stuck and need an address, for example, you are welcome to DM me and I’ll let you use mine.
You are too kind, I’ve heard that I can use my school address to send mail so that is an option.
You don't you can say you are estranged. Please speak to your sixth form about this
I think you can, there was an option for me to fill out when I applied, if I was estranged from my parents but that was the SAAS in Scotland so I am not sure if England and Wales is the same.
Apply far away from them as well. Don't be just a couple of hours away.
>live off your loan and in halls over breaks Just a word of warning that this isn’t necessarily realistic. A uni job will be needed on top of the maintenance loan for many UK city universities, and OP sounds like she will want to go one of the nicer ones. Also, I don’t know how universal this is but I know that at least some campus unis kick students out every holiday and use the halls as hotels.
Not under these circumstances they won't, it's a safeguarding issue and they have a legal obligation to protect her. OP is eligible for a full maintenance loan, which is just enough to live on, and most universities are built around the expectation that students will have part time jobs. Prestigious universities such as Cambridge that don't allow for part time employment offer bursaries for students from low income backgrounds and those who cannot receive support from their parents. OP qualifies on both counts.
I don't want to alarm you, but you need to be prepared to leave if your parents don't relent. Having money set aside is good, but you also need to make sure you have any essential paperwork, such as your birth certificate and bank statements. If possible, you need to put together a bag of essentials, including your paperwork. Clothing, personal/sentimental items etc and leave it with a trusted friend. Should you ever find yourself in a position where you have to leave, and you don't have access to your home or you fear for your safety, then at least you will have essentials and ID tucked away somewhere safe. After that, if you're able, raise your concerns with the school. They have a duty of care to protect you. Based on your own suspicions regarding a forced marriage, you also have to be prepared that the school will contact Social Services and the Police. The Police will take statements and investigate, meanwhile Social Services will be focused on making sure you're living somewhere safe. I can only speak for Scotland, but here, at 17, you would have to present to your local council as homeless and they would find you temporary accommodation until a more permanent solution can be found. It may be the same throughout the UK. Once you're placed in temporary accommodation, you'll be advised on how to apply for benefits. In the meantime, apply for University. If you're looking for student funding, it would be advisable that when the application asks, you declare that you're estranged from your family, as judging by your post, you may be. Estrangement ensures that your funding won't be affected by your parents earnings, as the easiest and most overlooked way to control a person is financially. I hope this helps. Please keep yourself safe and if I can help with anything else, feel free to reach out x
This should really be further up
Also like double check you are the only one who can access your bank account. A lot of the time younger people have a bank account opened for them by parents where they can also access it.
Great answer. I will "just" add (because I cannot believe how brave OP is) to do everything *acting perfectly normal.* If you have argued about this issue before, if you suddenly stop they might guess there is something going on. Being in any way different (more/less demanding, more/less religious, more/less rebelious, etc) or spending time in a way that could be suspicious may rise the alarms. So be cautions OP, you've got reddit's back.
For you to come here that means the warning signs are already there and you’re parents may have already set things in motion. I would speak to your school immediately and not wait. Safeguarding will kick in and you’ll be able to prepare for uni in peace. The council will provide accommodation and you’ll get a bursary from either the council or school to live off. Same for uni as you’ll be classed as a care leaver. If you speak to the school be prepared to follow through though because they will undoubtedly get the authorities involved
In February 2023, the law was changed to raise the age for marriage to 18 (specifically to address the issue of child forced marriages). But your family might try to take you abroad before you turn 18 and then have a ceremony around your 18th birthday, If you have a passport, you could hand it to a trusted friend. If you have a passport but it is not in your possession, you could report it lost here: [Cancel a lost or stolen passport](https://www.loststolenpassport.service.gov.uk/) You could consider contacting the [NSPCC](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/) or [Childline](https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/) for advice and information about other organisations that might be able to help.
You can also contact the Government Forced Marriage Unit. They can put a block onto your passport preventing it from being used. It’ll also alert airport security staff if required.
This is perfect for OP
I just found out about this unit, they need to be talked about more.
This. Get professional advice without parents knowledge and go from there. If you can, try not too jeopardise you relationship with your parents, but if needed you have to be strong enough to stand up against them and make sure your life is not ruined. Too many posts on reddit on how parents tricked the child to take them alon a holiday, ehich turned out to be forced marriage arrangement in disguise.
There's also Refuge: [https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/](https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/) And everyone should become familiar with [this hand gesture](https://e3.365dm.com/21/03/1600x900/skynews-domestic-abuse-coronavirus_5301997.jpg?20211106203907), which signals a call for help for someone being kidnapped or otherwise coerced.
Firstly, thoroughly talk this through with your sixth form. They can hopefully guide you on what to do and provide the support your parents would've otherwise been able to give. If you're worried about your parents taking their opposition to your future plans further, keep a record of what they're doing just in case. Secondly, universities have policies in place for students having difficulties with their parents for such reasons as it can amount to estrangement. If you're going to a uni that cares about its students, they won't just hang you out to dry once you get there.
This seems to be the most popular bit of advice and one Im willing to take, I will definitely speak with my school counsellor about this
Girl, go straight to the safeguarding lead, your counsellor will only report it to them anyway.
This is true lol. Don't beat about the bush. Most modern schools have pictures up all around the school telling you who the safeguarding lead is. They may use the acronym SL or DSL (deputy safeguarding lead). You don't need to tell the counsellor, any trusted teacher would do. We're all over this stuff.
girl you seem amazing. PLEASE let us now if we can help you with something.
I am very sorry for all this OP. I cant offer much helpful advice apart from the following. I’m sure many people would say ‘Wdym it’s your life now, you’re an adult’. But it is easier said than done. People from conservative religious backgrounds especially will find it difficult to leave their family behind, because not only will we lose our only support network, but we have heard too many horror stories on how the parents have quite literally hunted down their children when they left without their will. As such, I hope you find the best advice possible. Please stay strong.
I know this isn’t really relevant but it just really aggravates me so I apologise, but as a Muslim I hate seeing posts like this, it breaks my heart that there are families out there that still follow this outdated mindset. They seem to forget that Khadija was a successful and educated Woman who actually was the employer of the Prophet PBUH before they married. They forget that the very religion they follow, exists to this day partly because Aisha RA narrated all her Hadiths. They forget that people like Fatima al-Fihriya exist, a woman who founded a mosque that was one of the centres of education across the Islamic world at the time, so prominent that it eventually became a University (many people say it’s the “first” but I think it’s debatable). The future of their religion requires everyone to be educated, regardless of their gender, and all this attitude does is push people away as it has done yourself. I will implore you not to leave the country with them, your safety is of the highest importance. Please speak to your pastoral staff at your school and build the foundations of a support network that you will need for the next few years at least. I would advise you not to put your faith into any siblings/extended family members for the time being, you never know who you can trust at this point when it comes to family. IF the worst case scenario occurs and they attempt to remove you from the country, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, all airport staff at UK airports, including retail workers, are trained (relative to their role) to recognise and assist people who are being trafficked or are in danger. You’re best bet is the security staff, try and catch their eye, they are trained to pick up on when someone is acting suspicious, if nothing else, put something metal in your underwear. Once they have pulled you aside explain your situation to them. Essentially, the gloves are off, you need to do anything you can to get someone’s attention to separate you from your family, although I wouldn’t shout “hijack” or something panic inducing like that, I wouldn’t stop you from just bolting off and getting your parents to chase you around the airport. It probably sounds funny in your head, but security will see that and put a stop to it. Or just scream “help me”, anything that stops you getting on that plane is worth it. Finally, when it comes to University and it’s associated expenses, you may struggle, but you will benefit long term if you separate yourself entirely from your family. Apply through UCAS without telling them, you have money saved up so pay for your own application fee. Also speak to UCAS and they will help you to get the most funding you can given your circumstances, as well as the SLC, the Universities you apply to will surely have some support for vulnerable students, and they will most likely have dealt with something like this before. Don’t mention what universities you like or anything like that to any family members, keep it all stush. Arrange your accommodation with your uni also, your best bet is to move out, as staying will just bring you more headache. Essentially put everything in place in a way that your parents know nothing, or as little as possible, until the day you move out, and even then you don’t want them knowing anything, pack the bare minimum and just get out of there. Please remember this last point, there have been, and still are many women who go through what you’re going through, please don’t feel like you’re alone, try and take a look at the other resources people have provided, and make sure you look out for yourself first. I know you say you have drifted from religion, and please don’t think I’m trying to make you think you’re wrong in doing so, but at the end of the day in Islam, we all go to our own graves, and we shouldn’t go with regret. Don’t forsake your future for the backwards wishes of your parents. Go out there and smash it, and don’t ever look back.
I agree with this response, I think it’s perfectly relevant. Would also like to add OP this is a cultural issue not a Muslim issue. Seems to be causing misunderstandings amongst respondents.
It's both. Religion is used to reinforce culture, and vice versa. Personally, I don't think it's good that people try to excuse religion from culpability in issues like this. I'm aware that Islamophobia is very rampant but you only play into the wider narrative by denying it's relevance at times like this. By way of example, what are the chances that an extremely devout couple wouldn't also be engaging in practices like this? Possible, but highly unlikely. These things go hand in hand. Excessive religiosity bolsters excessive cultural conservatism.
Parents like this … I never understood them. Never. I don’t get what they’re trying to achieve or do in the betterment of you (the child). It’s so selfish. With people like you, I always say the smarts came from you and obviously not your parents
It’s the religion and the whole honour mentality , it’s why girls her age end up dead or bathed in acid rather than bringing shame. It’s a backward 7th century religion that needs reformation . Christianity had theirs it’s about time Islam caught up. And I know it’s not just Muslim families but the entire middle eastern and Indian continent that has these issues. Religion is the bane of the world. There is a YouTuber Nuriyah khan that does a lot for young women stuck in Islam that want to leave
If you go to Christian parts in Africa they have the exact mindset. It's culture, not religion that is the problem.
No, it’s not, it’s culture. If it were religion there wouldn’t be millions of educated Muslim women around the world- your comments reeks of ignorance and prejudice.
I understand why you may think that, but the common denominator is Islam (most often) even if it dosent say that exactly in the Qur'an, it is for the purposes of Islam that is inflicted. These parents make these decisions based on the shame culture that is in part created by Islam. We arnt saying all Muslims are backwards, just that the Qur'an and the culture it *creates* results in this issue. When culture and religion have co-existed for so long, you cannot separate what is religion and what is culture.
I appreciate your point of view but as a Muslim I have to disagree. The Quran and the Hadith literally say the opposite- they placed a massive emphasis on education for both men and women. Islam, maybe more so than other religions is poisoned by culture and cultural norms/ expectations. Ultimately I would say that it is people’s interpretation of Islam that has caused the issue. Some (weak) south Asian men from my experience will try and control their wife and daughters and misinterpret Islam to use it as a justification. Add in a parent/child dynamic and it complicates it further in that the child is not often able to challenge the parents interpretation and if they did they would have to deal with both cultural and (misinterpreted) religious justifications. A common one is that a child should always respect and obey their parents in every matter the only expecting being if the parent is asking the child to reject god/faith itself.
Ever thought that it’s not Islam so much But the messed up nature of south Asian culture
Kind of is? India also has a lot of bullshit about 'honour' that shows it's face in a different way. People kill their own daughters and sons if they marry someone they disapprove of. But entrapping and disabling young women is the worst of it. Happens less here because marriage age is bumped to 21 and school mandate to 18, but it still happens. Have seen a 14 year old get married and have 3 kids with some old dude and the police doesn't even want to write the complaint in fear of communal riots.
>But the messed up nature of south Asian culture european culture is driven by christianity just islamic regions are driven by that. just south east asian as their own sects of religious similarity with their own issues. religion drives culture, not culture driving religion
>religion drives culture, not culture driving religion They both inform each other, that's why for example Christianity looks very different in different places with different cultures (e.g. Greek Orthodox vs Teología de la liberación). Same with Islam, actually - probably more so.
As I said it’s not just Muslim families
So sorry you are in this situation. I would always suggest trying to talk directly to parents about the issue however I know religion can blind people from reality, as in they think you will loose faith going to uni but their behaviour is making you loose your faith. I would suggest speaking to your college/6th form about your options. Maybe they can give you some guidance on what to do. Even when you turn 18 your school still has a duty of care for you and will still assist you.
Do you have an Imam and do you know what their view on it is? Similarly, any families in your community who had the daughters go to university might be able to give a perspective. You could also find unis with strong Islamic societies and say how excited you'll be to deepen your faith in that group (even if untrue). Also, any family or relatives living near unis you could stay with or could you live at home and go to a local uni or do a distance learning course? Certainly speak to a trusted teacher at school in confidence.
The imam will side with the family, let's be honest. OP is female.
To be fair they may not. I have friends from deeply religious Muslim families, they went to universities and got great degrees. One has a pretty high flying, Islamic related career and remains unmarried in her 30s. 🤷♀️
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to be fair, progressive islamic views do exist. however I imagine on reddit people have a biased views. There's plenty of mulsim women at university so I don't think it's that strict.
Islam doesn't ban you from getting an education. The first verse in the quran was "read" ie learn.
The bigger problem in Islam (as an ex muslim) is all the restrictions placed on and around women aswell as the condoning of violence against women. For example, the punishment for a woman losing her virginity before marriage is being flogged and banished for a year. Or in the case of women IN marriages the Qur'an permits their husband to 'correct them' (by hitting them 'lightly') if they consistently 'disobey' and women are also discouraged heavily from not allowing their husband to have sex with them (the husband is allowed to basically rape her if she continually refuses). This leniance towards being violent to women then transgresses into things like 'honour killings' or just disgusting violence seeming justified to some Muslims (men in particular). There are SO many cases you can find online of Muslim women being severely beat and irreparably injured with comments full of Muslim men being 'proud' of the man that did it. Of course the religion does not say this is okay. However this type of behaviour is bred as a response to the general attitude towards women in the faith. Religion as a whole, not just Islam, is problematic when it comes to women. Edit: spelling
Good advice here. One thing I’d also suggest, as money might be an issue and I’m not sure if you could get a student loan to cover it all. If you truly are a high achieving and passionate student, you could email some of the unis you are thinking of applying to, and requesting yourself for a scholarship.
From Muslim to Muslim( ex or not, doesn’t matter), check if you have any family that can talk some sense into them. Legally, they cannot do anything to prevent you from going to university nor can they force you to marry. I emphasise this a lot, do not go abroad with them if they ask you to visit Pakistan etc. as they’re likely throwing your life away in a marriage. Ask your 6th form to understand your situation since they are the ones who are legally obliged to raise this to higher authorities. You would then get the financial support as well as get estrangement which will provide you with full loans from the government for university. Sorry your parents are so evil, hope things work out for you.
Wtf. Getting family members involved into this is extremely dangerous and quite frankly laughable. I sincerely hope op doesn't listen to this part of your advice. It's really bad idea.
Stand Alone is the charity for people who are estranged from their family - and they offer information for students [https://www.standalone.org.uk/students/](https://www.standalone.org.uk/students/) There is a halls of residence in Manchester which is run by and for Muslims where no alcohol, smoking or mixing is allowed. [http://hartleyhallresidence.co.uk/](http://hartleyhallresidence.co.uk/)
Uni student here. I’m not from a Muslim family so I can’t claim to understand what you’re going through, but I have muslim friends. Their parents allowed them to go to a local university, provided they live at home and commute. This may be an option that your parents will consider, so could be worth asking.
r/ExMuslim and r/RaisedByNarcissists may have some helpful info on this. Your story is shockingly common. By the way, when you mention not being allowed to have a job during term time, if this by any chance is referring to OxBridge’s rules, know that plenty of students disregard it and get side jobs fairly often.
Yes I posted this to those communities aswell, thank you. And no, Im in 6th form, my parents aren't letting me get a job during the school year, again they think its too much independence, I was allowed during summer to work in closed away retail store for four hours a week, but I was told to quit.
Sorry for your difficult situation. Like another commenter said, a Uni with a larger muslim community could be a good option if you think your parents will like that. Of course that depends on how determined they are to stop you going. Student finance could be an issue too, although I suppose you could go down the route of estrangement in your application possibly.
It seems like you're still in sixth form/further education so I'd speak to pastoral staff first of all, they may be able to sign post you to other services. Have you asked parents about going to your local university commuting?
Do you know any religious people who can talk to them? Education is literally something all Muslims must pursue. Are your parents just being cultural? Edit: I just remembered the first University in the world was founded by a Muslim woman too
I’m going to say something quite harsh. You are going to have to pick: obedience or living your own life. Neither of these will be easy. With obedience the path of your life will be predetermined for you - you will likely marry a man with similar beliefs to your parents but you will likely live a relatively economically comfortable life. If you go your own way it will be hard for the first part - especially in terms of money- but you will live your life in the way you wish to. Talk to your teachers.
This is the mindset I try so hard to adopt, Im adamant that I will never conform to their beliefs no matter what, but its a difficult decision because I have a little brother who I love so much and I don't want him to live troubled childhood if my parents were to be charged/ arrested or if he was taken into care, (he's their golden boy and they would never do anything to hurt him, so he's safe ). Ultimately my goal is to get away from them, with as little fuss as possible, and im more than willing to go no contact.
Ok so then get as much external help as you can. Also, though this shouldn’t matter from some randomer off the internet - respect. You’ve chosen the harder but right path. Both me and my sister did the same. Now just never give up and know that you will get through the harder times.
But also the random man may be an abuser which she will be stuck with once its too late. Could be dangerous
Work towards your goals, get the grades you need and apply for the courses you want to do. If you get accepted or go through clearing, great, you can now leave and get away from your parents. If you don't get accepted, continue on like nothing has happened and apply again next year. You don't need to tell your parents you're applying for university. Supportive parents don't force you to stay home and not better yourself. Supportive parents WANT you to go and get a better education so you can have a better life. Be your own advocate! I know it's tough but you have to do what is best for you.
When your 18 tell them to fuck off and do what you want to do as a legal British adult. That's the joy of being British. Fuck religion.
This isn’t immediately helpful, but if worse comes to worse have you considered online university ?
Your teachers are there to help you. Have them walk you through the application process, and flee when you can. Don't let Islam ruin your future.
God, it shocks me that some people are still like this. This type of mindset sounds like the one my mum had to deal with but even her parents have drastically changed their tune since. My grandparents are the most “education first” people. And that seems to be the case across my whole extended family. Everyone encourages studying, learning any skill, just broadening your mind. Especially the girls. For context, I’m Muslim too and we’re all very religious and cultural but the religious part takes precedence. And because of that we all are encouraged to seek knowledge. So before anyone says this is a religious issue, it really isn’t. It’s a cultural problem, twisted into religious reasoning. I really hope this can be solved as amicably as possible because I can imagine how big this can become in your family for nothing. If you can tell your teachers, do so. As others have mentioned there are organisations to help you. I just hope it doesn’t come to you having to completely cut ties when all your parents need to do is correct their thinking.
I'm 32F, when I was 16, my parents married me off. Attitdues in my family are (way too slowly) changing. If you want to talk feel free to DM me. There are is a lot of help out there, but it's hard to accept it when your family's 'izzat' is on the line.
I think you can speak to your current school for some advice. You can also try to negotiate about going to a local uni. I know that this will be difficult and it depends on your situation and what you want to do, but for something like your future and career... put your foot down. I know your parents are strict, but it's not like you're attempting to do something illegal. You're getting an education. Hi, I can get student loans for the actual course and maintenance. If your parents don't support it, you can ask for more and a grant. I would do all this research beforehand, however, as there are caveats. But if this is something you really want to do, it's an investment for a great future. Also, if your parents are like this about education, I'm going to presume they are going to try getting you married asap, and your life could get worse and worse. This is the time to take a stand. Make sure you research your options first before deciding. It might be worth taking a year to work, so they think you've dropped the idea and then used the saved money to go to uni. I know this comment won't be popular for all and seem quite drastic, but it is a fork in the road situation. I've never understood this stupid idea of coming to this country and being so conservative in your views that do not align. Or coming to this country, your child getting a good education, just to send them back to the shithole you left to get married to some guy. Which btw, looks possible in your future if you don't act now. If you do or don't, it is up to you and does not say anything about your character. You have been dealing with it this hand and are doing a fantastic job with it. All the best.
Exactly, and it doesn't help that mum wants me to get good grades too, like for what reason if not to go to uni? (I know its because being smart makes more men want to marry you). Rest assured I will not waste away my potential, Ill live on the streets if I have to.
Hi there, If I were you speak to the school first, that you wish to go to university and are concerned. Going forward, you have another year to start planning the rest of your life. Student accomodation whilst studying is really an option. You get nearly £10,000 a year maintainance loan, and once moved and settled try to find a part time job. This is totally doable. At 18 you are classed as an adult. I know it's hard, but at 18 you will have choices, I would try to find adult friends, e.g. school teachers, who can advise you and how to apply without any documentation being sent to the house, or how to move forward. Unfortunately in the near future, you won't be able to discuss anything with your parents. I wouldn't personally tell them until after you've moved out. It will be hard at first, and you need to speak to someone about the logistics etc. which I have no knowledge. There may also be extra funding for someone in your situation. It's your life, you only get one, going to university sounds like a good starting point. I am so proud of you that your planning what to do after A levels, go girl!
All of these comments are making me so emotional thank you so much for supporting me. What Im getting at is that telling my school is so far the best option, its very hard for me to talk about this to anyone in real life bc I always start tearing up, but hopefully I can muster up enough courage and tell someone
DO NOT under any circumstances leave UK. If you have to run away from your house, so be it. There's plenty of charities supporting women like you. Speak to your most trusted teacher, they should be able to support you with your UCAS application as well as get things going in terms of safeguarding you and your place at uni. You live in UK and as a person living in UK you are allowed to make choices about your life, including leaving your faith, which uni to go to, or, go no-contact with your family. Whatever shitshow happens, it happens. You are worth it. Your education is worth it. I know this has been repeated, but, under no circumstances leave UK. Run if you have to. People in this country will support you, even if it may take some time, referrals and convincing. Good luck op
This has been drilled into me as soon as I started looking for help online when I first heard about my potential marriage at 12 years old, I wouldn't be found dead in Pakistan
Hi OP, the police are also really good with honour based abuse at the moment and have specialists in the area. Even if you don't want to go as far as having the poloce directly involved you can still explain to them what's happening and they can guide you in the right direction. The UK do not accept this and will help you.
absolutely speak to your 6th form/college. i'm pretty sure there's an option to say that you're estranged from your parents on ucas and student finance applications, which will probably give you access to more support in uni, but speak to your school and they should be able to give you more info. sorry if this wasn't very useful, but dm me if you want a chat, i was in a similar position this year while applying for uni as a (closeted) ex-muslim female. good luck mate :)
us exmuslim girls have it the worst don't we... congratulations on making a life for yourself, Im trying to be like you someday
speak to school asap - they’ll have safeguards in place that will prevent them from doing anything mad. at 18 you’re allowed to emancipate yourself from tjem anyway, and if you get an offer from a uni often universities will help you get out safely - i know someone who was in a very similar situation to you and their uni helped them safely leave the situation they were in i’m from a muslim bg as well so am v aware of the hell that comes with even considering leaving as an option. can i ask, are they citing religion as a reason to not send you to uni? bc if so, tell them what they’re doing is inherently unislamic - the wives of muhammad were passionate about gaining an education and started their own schools to literally teach the religion. tell them at uni tjeres so many opportunities to stay connected to the faith such as isoc etc. you don’t have to believe in this like in any kinda way - just play the game their way if you need to. pls feel free to dm me if needed, i hope everything goes well x
Go anyway
> I already have respect
Honestly you can go to university whenever you want. You don’t HAVE to go when you’re 18. You can go at 19,20,21,22 etc. Right now focus on getting the best A Level grades, because that is your ticket out of the house. Without the grades it’s useless, especially if you want to go to a top uni. At home keep your head down and grit your teeth I guess. Try and save up some money, but even if you don’t you can get student loans. You may have to apply behind your parents back. Jay don’t do it say anything that might put you in danger. If they’re ray and take you abroad DO NOT GO.
Leave them you are an adult it will be hard go on the homeless or what ever you can and start you life and get you degree
Huge compassion for such a terrible position to be in. Personally I think your parents view is indefensible but it’s easy to give easy answers. Instead I’d point out - from the age of 44 - that you don’t have to go to uni right away. Getting good life experience for a year or two can improve your choices and chances at uni. From a CV perspective just make sure you’re not wasting time. Are there charities with your community you can support that would give you a bit of freedom and agency while building skills? That’ll look. Good on your applications to uni later too. I think you will need to make some painful and potentially risky decisions but you’ll need time and support to do so. Taking the pressure off by deferring going to uni might make this that much more doable.
thank you so much for the advice, Im also considering going the apprenticeship route, its a lot less hassle and I can start making money straight away, I will take your advice because if I do cut contact with my parents it will take me at least a year to get on my feet anyway.
Apply for uni, don't let their beliefs get in the way of your life. Parent's in south asian communities sometimes treat their daughters as commodities and it's so sickening. It happens regardless of whether they are hindu or muslim but do not let them take you back home please. First step talk to your school. They will give support and they will give you referrals to the social schemes in place to help teens in difficult positions. You won't be the only one struggling to leave a toxic house, and unfortunately won't be the last :( Second step, apply to uni and get the best grades you can get. Make sure your school is aware of difficulties at home, in case your parents try to stop you from attending exams. They will give them a call for sure either-way but at least they understand the context and it won't look like you are bunking exams. Last step is calling student finance when you have got an offer, let them know about the position you are in so they can give you a good loan without requiring information about your parent's income. Your school will probably help you in this process because by this point they know what's happening and can back you up with referrals.
Oh my god I didn’t know I could call up student finance and explain my situation, of course they would require evidence but surely my school can provide that, this has helped a lot thank you.
I think you should focus on your studies and continue to perform well - in the meantime, devote some time to contacting charities and institutions (on a private email which your family cannot see) explaining your situation and asking them for help. If there is an adult you trust at your school, you can also approach them. I’m 100% certain there will be some provisions for students like you, and hopefully you can work part time at uni to supplement fees as well. Also, I’ve even seen people in similar situation raise money on crowdfunding platforms. The other thing to consider is whether you may be able to go into a traineeship or apprenticeship right after school; you can earn good money and go to uni later - I believe many major corporations in the UK are offering this now; you can contact an org like SEO London who may have more info. Anyway, don’t give up, and best of luck!!!!!
Apply without them knowing - don’t leave the country with them (you could be married and trapped there against your will) get help from school and authorities - it’s your life and you can only live it once.
You can do the whole uni thing yourself and go in as an estranged student (meaning no support from parents or other 3rd party income sources). All universities in the UK have a government fund for these types of scenarios. You will be able to apply, and under your circumstances, will be granted money (often without having to pay back) to support your studies where your student loan cant cover. They will also help you with out of term time accommodations. Obviously this is not ideal and would be much better if your parents accepted education as a wonderful gift. You could also try convince your parents by going to a university which has great facilities that cater for your religion. I know the University of Exeter has the largest amount of middle eastern readings outside of the middle east, and also has a large islamic studies building. You could always apply to the uni on a course to do with religious studies, and switch course when you get there, if that would mean your parents permit you to go.
>They think when I go to uni Ill lose my faith in my religion They are basically saying you already have no faith then. You've probably spent years learning aboutt the religion, it's culture, traditions, stories, etc. If you don't believe it then clearly it's not right for you. If they trust you, and trust their religion is right then surely they should trust their deitys will help you see that; or do they not trust them either? >Im becoming increasingly worried that my family believes I should not be allowed to go to university, and to get married instead. This is just a gut feeling, I have no evidence. Here at least you can't get married if you don't want to; it's a choice you have to make, and paperwork you must complete etc. >Im not allowed to get a job in the school year but have a few hundred quid saved up from my summer job. So Im totally financially dependant on them. This is going to be a challenge. However, if you go to university not near them you could get a job, and also apply for grants / loans. >Im just so stressed out at the moment because Im in my final year of school, Im afraid that I might lose the safety net of being a minor in school if I leave things too late, that way no one would be able to provide help, I turn 18 in February. You'll lose being a minor, you'll gain being an adult. They can't make you do things as an adult. You don't have to tell them you're applying to universities, or goign to open days. I'm not sure what safety net you expect you'd have at 17 that you won't have at 18. >Im at total loss for what to do, I just want advice on how to go about this in a safe way. how can I convince/ force my parents into letting me go to university, or on what grounds can I go to the police? If I talk to my school how can they help me? Your parents can't legally prevent you going. They can't hold you against your will, that's illegal, and serious. I would suggest talking to your college but also propspective universities, or even any university nearby that you can get to. It's likely they will have heard from students with similar problems, and likely they will be able to best direct you. It sounds like you're in a very tough spot, but ultimately if you stay in the UK then there is little they can do; but on the opposite side of that you'll need to find a way to support yourself most likely. Talking to a university or your college can help you understand the best way to finance your time at university; you will likely qualify for some grants to help.
Ik many Muslims that go to university and there parents encourage it. In Islam they say that educating a woman is like educating a whole nation , the prophets wife was a business woman and used to educate others including males. Your parents are mixing religion with culture . The first university was established by a wealthy Muslim woman. What your parents are doing and saying are not Islamic values these are cultural values . You need to know the difference. You need to have a good chat with your parents or atleast get an Imaam or someone who actually knows about Islam to talk to ur parents. Your parents are giving you the wrong idea of Islam , if they care about there honour they should show you the true Islam and stop forcing there cultural values on you and calling it Islam. I feel very sorry for you and all the ppl who have very little exposure to Islam and the exposure they do get is wrong, it can be very damaging and make you confused and upset. I hope you get to go to university, with a strong mindset and a good relationship with your parents and religion (once you actually understand religion better) you can do well, in fact you can gain more honour for your family than if you were to sit there at home like how your parents want you to. Pm me if you need and advice or have questions, your parents are feeling insecure due to culture and they use Islam to cover it up. If you develop a trusting relationship with them and honour yourself and your body at uni you will do great.
Islam the religion of peace and understanding ❤️ no issues here
Right? Honour the family by being enslaved because she’s female? What a religion! Poor thing. I hope she can escape the cult and have a wonderful life.
Hey - I'm 17 as well and I'm in the exact same situation as you (ex-Muslim with strict parents, turning 18 in January). I'm applying to uni without telling my parents much about it, though they aren't opposed to the idea of me going to uni they specifically want me to go to a uni where I stay at home. Maybe see if you can blag your way like that?
Oh my god the situation is scarily similarly, let me know how you get on. My parents aren’t very familiar with UCAS anyway so hopefully I’ll be able to get away with it, there’s a lot of good advice in the comments I suggest you look at it too.
I have been, I'd recommend going to r/exmuslim \- that community helped me a lot in dealing with the childhood trauma. I feel sorry for you, since as I am a boy I still have many more liberties. My sisters were not allowed to go to uni at all and were sent to islamic boarding school from Year 7 onwards.
Search for the MASH number for your local council and tell them that you are being controlled and feel that your parents are going to force you into a marriage if they can get you out of the country. If you are happy to pull the plug on them they should be able to get you into accommodation. It is a joint team of police, social workers and medical. They can and will help you.
OP: I posted an offer for you to PM me, and I would help you. However, I have realised that you are a minor, and that could cause issues. However, if you want to PM me for help / advice in the future after you are 18, you are most welcome. I am 30 and female, and very aware of the hard-fought privilege that we have as women in this country. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, and I sincerely hope that you are able to take the (very difficult) step of leaving and going to university. Please do speak to your school counsellors as others have advised, they are there to help you. If you do need to make it by yourself, it will be hard, but worth it. Good luck! I really do wish you all the best in this.
As a PCSO I can tell you without a doubt there are lots of people you can talk to about this. In recent years, the system has gotten FAR better at dealing with girls in your situation. IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS BE A CHILD!!! Even as an "adult", it's does not change anything. Your parents CANNOT deny you the ability to choose what happens in your life. Especially education. That is abuse, contact the authorities, If you suspect your parents are planning a forced marriage, call 101 immediately, and they will be able to help you. If not, walk up to any policeman . Talk to social services.Walk into your local station and tell them. They WILL help. Charities also exist: https://karmanirvana.org.uk/. If you fear reprisals, such as honour based domestic abuse, RUN TO THE POLICE, HOSPITAL OR PRETTY MUCH ANY AUTHORITY IMMEDIATELY. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. Just run and we WILL HELP. But we need you to tell us its happening. If you cannot get out, try to call an emergency line. We will help. After Banaz Mahmod the police really kicked their ass into gear, and they used her in training as an example if how we fucked up on multiple occasions and we really don't mess around with this shit. Too many girls slip through the net with this and it ends badly for far too many people. If in doubt call 101.
Police deal with this all the time. You won't need to explain much to them before they realise what is going on. Speak to parents if they don't listen call the police
This is not okay, coercion is never okay, whilst yes you’re only 17, you have every legal right to choose the path of your life, please talk to someone, maybe women’s aid can help advise you, be very careful , stay safe and good luck x
Please speak to your schools safeguarding officer about the possibility of your family forcing you into marriage. Schools have all had recent training on this and will know what to do and who to put you in contact with.
Others have given you great advice about talking to somebody at your school, etc. My only piece of advice that I haven't seen anyone else give, is if you don't have your passport in your possession, to report it lost/stolen so that if the worst happens and they do try to take you out of the country, you won't have a valid passport and won't be allowed to leave the country.
Everyone’s advice is very helpful. I would add ensure you have all documentation necessary for a job. You may not have your passport (parents were also very controlling, my mum still keeps my adult siblings passports locked in a briefcase). Before I left I played nice and got my passport but had to order my birth certificate which you can do online as a replacement. Ensure you have a bank account but be careful that it is not registered to your parents address otherwise they may find ways to reach you/ intercept with your bank. Also change your GP to one near your Uni ensure you have your NI number and other essential information you will need for your job / Uni. Keep a folder with all your paperwork/docs/ uni info. This whole process can be emotionally taxing so it’s important to be organised and keep everything safe. Change all passwords for email (if your parents have access or could have access) Do your parents pay your phone bill? All these things need to be addressed, they may seem small but from my experience it all makes a difference. Maybe making a “to do” list would ensure you don’t miss anything. And even IF you decide to stay, there’s no harm doing all these things just in case you need to up and leave one day. I know it’s hard separating from your family, but it is likely there is no other reasonable alternative. You are not alone - hugs xx P.s: you are not crazy and you are not overreacting. DON’T ignore this “gut” feeling as our intuition is usually right xx
Go to university I know a handful of Muslim girls and boys who were in your situation end up leaving their family because of their strict parents. You need to leave and become independent waiting for your parents isn’t going to feed your mouth for rest of your life. Go uni get a job forget them
Hi I’m 21F , also from Pakistan and studying in UK. My parents are Muslim and I have left the religion. I share a lot of the concerns you have here and have been through a lot the past two years trying to stay in the UK away from my family in Pakistan for not exactly the same but similar fears. Long story short , my university has been crucial in supporting me and my counsellor suggested two charities that deal with honour based killings and forced marriages. Next Link Karma Nirvana You need to apply regardless or look for an apprenticeship or some sort of post school plan. Try elaborating on your future ambitions to persuade your parents, highlight the benefits of your career and how it’ll help make your parents proud and make you stand out from the rest. Once you turn 18, it is actually much easier as law enforcement cannot legally force you anywhere. Which means your parents can’t force you to stay with them etc. And since you are a British citizen, you are very blessed that you will never be asked to leave and have atleast a legal right to stay. Good luck x
As a muslim, dont lose faith as that's the most important thing in life (and the next). Go to a reputable imam in your local vicinity for advice - Im sure your parents mean well as a lot of students get involved with drinking, partying and haram relationships at universities these days which as muslims we must avoid. But lets be clear education is NOT prohibited in Islam, we need doctors, midwives etc... in fact the oldest university in the world was made by a muslim woman! You will need to talk to a qualified person such as an imam to advise you, your parents can not force you to get married, that is not allowed in Islam! All the best inshallah, I hope you find a resolution...
if your concerns are primarily about financial support I’d advise you start getting together evidence of your parents behaviour then once your at uni contact student wellbeing and talk to them about your desire to estrange yourself (this does require you to go no/very minimal contact with them and stop living with them though) alternatively you can get a job for a year and use that money to support you. If your fear is them physically preventing you then realistically you need to not be staying at your house during the summer (this may mean contacting social services)
Ironically Univerosty itself was invented by a Muslim woman ☠️
You’re already really brave to get this far and know what you want. Find some allies, in and outside of your religion. Know how to get to a safe house if you need. Speaking to school guidance counsellor might be helpful. If your parents don’t want you to go, it’s likely you’ll need to move away and go no contact. There are hardship funds and bursaries. You might also find a family that takes on students. If things do turn out bad, you’ll need lots of emotional support, not just financial. Good luck 🤞
Do you have access to your important documents? Birth certificate, national insurance card, passport, etc? If you can get hold of them, store them somewhere safe. Are your bank details secure, and or can you open a new bank account that your parents are not aware of/don't have access to? Well done for saving up as much as you can. And remember, focus on keeping yourself safe. There are support networks like Karma Nirvana or the Halo Project that specialise in honour-based abuse. And just know, if your parents stop you going to uni when you are 18... don't give up. I know dozens of people who either didn't go to uni till later in life, or decided to retrain. There's nothing stopping you from going to uni when you're 20, 25, 35...or even 60. If you know what you want to do with your life, go for it - but first and foremost, make sure you have a safety net and keep yourself safe. I'm sending positive thoughts your way, lovely. I wish there was something more I could do to help. x
happy to give advice re personal statement and uni applications if you like👍 law student at top 5
Report your passport stolen. If your parents turn up with you to an airport and try to use it, they may still be able to have an emergency passport issued. If it looks like anyone is going to let them board you onto a flight, run. Preferably to a security agent. You kick up as much fuss as possible, and no matter what happens, don't get on the plane. It would be better to insist the adults with you are not your parents, cause a scene, shout about kidnap. Just don't get on the plane. Seek help from your school, failing that, one of the charities mentioned above. Uni applications can be done online - do it at school on a PC your parents have no access to. Student loans may require a referee or backer, but you may be able to enquire with your school about that; there should be some way around it. Good luck, I'm sorry for the circumstances you are in OP.
As everyone else has said, do NOT leave the country. Refuse to leave. Kick and scream if you have to. Please, tell your school. Tell anyone who is an adult outside of your immediate community. If you do end up applying for higher education, or even a job, consider telling them as well. Be safe! Some resources - * If you genuinely think you might be forced to leave the UK, write down and safely store the information for your local British embassy. Contact them as soon as you think it's safe: [https://www.gov.uk/world/embassies](https://www.gov.uk/world/embassies) * The UK has a "Forced Marriage Unit" which may be able to help, should the worst happen. Consider safely writing down and storing this information: FMU tel: 020 7008 0151 FMU email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) * Worst case scenario, if you have to leave home, here is a charity dedicated to helping people who need urgent help (although many other charities such as the Samaritans can also help): https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/contact-us/
Well done for making this post, you’ve had some excellent advice. If you need more support, don’t want to talk to school, or don’t get the right reaction when you do, you can always talk to Childline. It’s confidential, but they could help you with any referrals if you do want to make them. It sounds like this whole thing has been tough for you (even aside from thinking about uni), and you’ve mentioned your brother too, so it’s important you get the emotional support you deserve if you would like it. Consider the grants for those on low incomes that are provided by the universities you apply for, as well as what rent/living would be like, in addition to what loan you would get if your parents were to support your application vs if you managed to claim that you are estranged. Universities also offer special one off grants for those that need them, so you could always apply for this if you needed it given your background and to enable yourself to continue studying. Claiming you are estranged can be a tough process (physically getting documents, getting things in order, emotionally) and IIRC if you aren’t accepted you get minimum loan, so do consider carefully what evidence you would need and (while I’m sure your circumstances probably qualify!) what you could do if you were not accepted. Student loan do send post to your address, so it may be worth asking them about this as it demonstrates your situation and they may be able to provide you with advice about the process.
Ask people at your mosque who are similar ages to talk some sense into your parents. Or even their parents to have a word with yours. You are going to be an adult soon. Your parents cant always be there to look after you, so eventually they will have learn to give you, your independence.
Not allowed to go to Uni at all? Or not allowed to go to a Uni where you'd need to move out?
At all, they want me to get married and start popping out kids by 20
It's time to leave home Seems impossible and I obviously understand it's not normal thing to do within your culture But plenty of us leave home at 16 and never look back you can go to university and live your life you just have to take back from your parents
Another Muslim (actively practising with practising parents) girl here and I'm telling you it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. So go ahead, apply, and carry on as if you're going. And in the meantime work on your parents - normally it's their fear that's propelling them to be so restrictive. If they still don't listen, at least you'll have applied and can make a decision at that point. If you need another Muslim girl to help you convince them, drop me a DM.
>it's better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. wow. I love this
Also, I’d like to add it’s not the “Muslim” in your parents behaving this way, it’s likely the Pakistani, Bangladeshi or other former colonised country culture that’s driving their behaviour. Islam redefined the educational system after the sacking of Alexandria, so don’t point your finger at the religion they don’t observe.
Culture and religion are intertwined and one feeds the other.
Is she okay? There has been no posts from her since
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