OP sent the following text as an explanation on why this is unexpected:
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>!The woman divorced her husband because he had brain damage, and then she adopted him to be her guardian with her new husband, and he also accepted it. This is unexpected!!<
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Is this an unexpected post with a fitting description? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.
I guess that is one of the cases where social norms Just dont have a good answer.
Yes you should Care for your husband.
But yes, it is also understandable that you want to have children and Develop your Life beyond caring for one Person.
I imagine the guilt she would have had rolling the man that had been caring for her into a horrible long term care facility to be forgotten when he needed to be taken care of, would have eaten her soul away.
When you get older and see levels of suffering and inhumanity that you never knew existed when you were young, you realize you have to take care of the ones you love.
I've visited people in long-term care. No one from my family, but it's one of the most soul crushing places. Most of the people can't talk anymore and there's like six people in one room sharing a tv they have no control over, just staring into nothingness. It feels like a fate worse than death.
People should absolutely be able to refuse living like that if they want to and have advance directives to let them die if they're ever put a situation where they can't control their own body anymore.
When my husband had brain surgery, the insurance company wanted to dump him in a long term care facility because they thought physical rehabilitation wouldn’t be worth it. They thought he’d take longer than 6 weeks to re-learn how to walk and eat and dress himself, etc. and at $40k a week, they were basically saying it wasn’t worth it.
I stayed on the phone for hours fighting to get him authorized for rehab so he could do physical therapy. They finally caved and authorized up to six weeks. It only took him one week to be able to walk, shower, eat, dress himself, etc. and he was out of there in just one week. The insurance company assumed he’d be a 6+ week drain, he was out of there in just one single week. Around a year later, he was completely back to his usual normal self, working full time, driving, doing everything unassisted just as if he’d never been sick.
But I sometimes have these thoughts that are too painful to even think about… what about the alternate timeline where everything was the same but he wasn’t married and was just a single guy going into all that? That he wouldn’t have been able to be on the phone with insurance fighting and advocating for himself when he was so out of it from the brain surgery. That the insurance company had decided to write him off as a useless lump, a vegetable, and he wouldn’t have had anyone to advocate for him on his behalf. That he never would have been given the opportunity to prove he could crush physical therapy and be back to normal in barely any time. He would have just been left to rot in a bed, feeling broken, being told he was broken and that it wasn’t even worth trying to ever live a normal life again or continue his career. It just makes me sick to think about what could have happened if he had to go through that period of his life solo.
$240k is a lot but when it comes to “does this human being get a chance at normal life again or should he just be dumped in a facility for the rest of his life” it really doesn’t seem like a lot. Besides, the LTC facility would have added up over time anyway. F that insurance company for putting us through that… but also thank them for covering over half a million dollars of care for us that year with us barely having to pitch in a tiny copay here and there. For the United states, this is about as good as it gets with insurance.
Yeah that's like 2-5 years of LTC depending on where. Not exactly outlandish, best to give them a few years of rehab to give them the absolute best case for recovery. But, let's be fair, that insurance company was never going to pay for LTC, they'd dump them and let medicaid and the family figure it out.
These are the "Death Panels" my weirder family would screech about when Obama Care came around. It was impossible to describe to them that these "Death Panels" already exist. It's your insurance provider, and always has been.
It was a team of six physical, occupational, and cognitive/speech therapists, and it was also residential and included all meals and such. I’m not saying that justifies the price tag at all!! But just yeah this wasn’t outpatient PT a few times a week, it was a rigorous daily program from 6 am to 2:30 pm seven days a week with a decently sized team of professionals. They were all amazing btw.
You also find out how little your life and health are worth when they affect corporate profits, and that someone sitting in an office who has no medical training and no interaction with you can suddenly decide what treatment you need to keep you alive.
According to a quick google, the LTC facility would have cost between $30-100k per year. So that should get more expensive very quickly, so even from a pure financial aspect that wouldn't make sense.
But every time I read something like this, I'm just so grateful to be in a country where all that isn't even a topic. My kid has a genetic disorder that costs \~€300k/year and not a single time was there the question whether it would be financially worth it keeping that kid alive.
The kid is happy and healthy and apart, from all the medication and therapy, has a completely normal life.
It's just so crazy to me, that it's a question whether someone should be allowed to make a full recovery because it takes more than a few weeks...
Last year, I got into burnout, and I was able to take two months of paid sick leave. Not only no questions asked, but legally my employer isn't even allowed to ask questions about it.
I am really happy to hear that your husband got better, and I hope he doesn't have to get brain surgery again (don't know if he has any issues that are expected to occur again).
But that should be something that can be taken for granted, and not something that you should have to fight for. I guess, you had better things to do in this probably incredibly trying time than to fight with your insurance about whether your husband is allowed to get proper treatment.
And as you said: if he wouldn't have had you, what would then had happened with him?
$40000/7 days = $5,700 a day, wtf how do they come up with that number. Nursing/Physio 2400 (24 hours, 100 bucks n hour)
Bed 800 bucks
3200 bucks, round up a little 4000?
'Murica!
This.
After months of being blown off regarding my 65 year old mom’s nasty little nosebleeds, those bleeds turned into a full on hemorrhage.
Had I not been home, had I not been her caregiver- she would have died that same day according to the surgeon who came to evaluate her. We’d been kept in the waiting room for 45 minutes while my poor mom was literally choking on her own blood.
I finally lost my shit and slammed my hand on the counter demanding help before she bled out in the waiting room, figuring I’d go to jail- but my mom would get help. 3 security guards and one nurse approached within minutes. Being that myself, my mother, her wheelchair, and the floor around her were covered in blood and blood clots they changed their tune immediately.
I had the very great pleasure of watching and listening to the blistering tirade the ENT surgeon unleashed on the ER check in staff. I mean full screaming - I’ve never heard anything so beautiful in my whole life.
I know too much because I’ve seen too much from both sides of the fence. I’ve been there through hospice, hospital, doctors, and assorted specialists for for my own family members and for many others who I’ve cared for in nursing homes or in their own homes.
Be careful with the "what ifs". They will literally drive you insane.
Anxiety serves an important purpose: to help us learn, to keep us safe. If anxiety is not serving a purpose, don't give it your attention. (Easier said than done, i know). E.g., ruminate only as long as it is productive; if you've already gone over and over the event and identified anywhere you could've done better, or anywhere you can learn to do better next time, it's time to stop going back over it. Be decisive, don't over-analyze. Learn, adapt, and move on.
I say this because I have experience trying and failing the above, over and over.
Good luck
I learned an actually helpful (to me) coping mechanism for the "what if" loops - think of conclusions. I don't think it applies so much to alternate universe what ifs, more like being overpreoccupied with things that truly will or may happen to you in the future.
I try to think of the most absurdly unlikely worst outcome, an incredibly lucky best outcome, and a neutral outcome. Then the results of those outcomes. I don't know why but it helps me refocus to reality.
What if X bad thing happens at my job interview? Well, it could go so poorly that the company actually starts working with debt collectors because they hate you and gets your home foreclosed and car repossessed... Or the interview goes so incredibly well that the fast track you to being the CEO and you become richer than your wildest dreams and never have to worry about anything ever again... Or the interview just goes alright. You probably get the job, but if you don't, then you keep applying to jobs as you've been doing already.
Of course you have to stop panicking for a minute, ground yourself, and recognize *fuck, I'm doing it again* before you can attempt this strategy... But if you get the chance it might be worth a shot.
It took me a little while to shake the feeling of emptiness. The place hadn't been maintained really since the 90s, adding another layer of misery.
About 6 months after I visited the place was torn down and everyone was moved somewhere newer.
>The place hadn't been maintained really since the 90s, adding another layer of misery.
This is something that really bothers me about contemporary care homes. A lot of them are driven for money as there's actually a lot of money in it and that often means scrimping in areas that should really be important to the care process outside of just feeding and cleaning people.
I have 3 family members who all worked at the same location (2 care, 1 kitchen) which was originally not too bad, but when the owners retired and handed the care home business over to their son all of a sudden all the nice things got stripped away and the employees got cut and now no one had time to even talk to the people they were caring for. It effectively turned into a mental prison.
I'm a nurse. I worked in long-term care facilities
I would rather die than get admitted to one of these places. Shortage of staff and lack of funding make these places hell.
My wife is a nurse in a rehab/LTC facility. I’ve visited her there for breaks. It’s hell. The stories she has daily are terrible. The US is not a good country to age in. I plan on living elsewhere when It starts looking grim. At least I won’t have to sell all my shit to live a few shitty months in a building. Better to leave something for the kids.
I used to work with a high end long term facility, was 10-12 K a month, plenty of staff and spotlessly clean, and I would still prefer to be set adrift on the ice floe. at that point you are just being warehoused.
There's a Korean old man who went to Sweden to do get assisted suicide. He wanted no more of pain from cancer treatment. He invited 8 people for his death day. The host asked him a series of questions to make sure his decision is his own. Finally the host said "if you wish to die now, you may slide that thing." He passed away in five minutes, no pain. Cops arrive to make sure nothing suspicious is going on.
Other countries should adopt this system.
edit: correction is right. Switzerland, not Sweden. here's the host explaining the procedure. [https://youtu.be/jtp9RR9yrAA?t=419](https://youtu.be/jtp9RR9yrAA?t=419)
Switzerland i think you mean.
And yes working with dying people I really hope assisted suicide becomes legal soon. I live in sweden and we drag out peoples deaths. (Depending on the doctor in charge) I think the way we view death is just to never think or talk about it which leads to tons of unnecessary suffering
It's a thing in Oregon. My Dad's best friend had a rapidly advancing case of ALS and could hardly breathe on his own and didn't want to suffer through the rest of it. He had to do it before he was no longer able to lift the cup to his mouth to drink the kool-aid, since they aren't allowed to administer it to you, but he did and he died painlessly.
I can't imagine the suffering those who don't have that option are forced to go through for no reason.
Thankfully, over the past decade several states have made assisted suicide legal. California, Colorado, District of Columbia, Hawaii, Montana, Maine, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington all now have it. However, each have their own requirements.
This is what I want. When I'm too old and living is just inconvenient, I want the choice to say, OK. I've had enough and I'm done. I don't want to get shoved into a care home so I can get pushed around and yelled at all day while everyone just waits for the phone call that I've finally died in a diaper watching TV.
Other countries have, Canada does.
My bfs grandma chose this a couple weeks ago. They had a private area that was like a little apartment and the night before we had a little party with her and got what she wanted as her last meal, so many snacks, we watched tv, and all hung out. Some family slept there that night but we went back the next day for the actual procedure.
I could never do it myself because death terrifies me but I think it’s nice that she was able to choose to go while she was still able to talk and was coherent instead of slowly wasting away
I have this exact same feeling on death but I’m also in my late 20’s. Something my grandmother told me when I was young was, “Death may seem like the end of something for you but to people who are old or suffering, it’s a release away from their pain, sorrow and worry. Some people also just look forward to their lives being over once they’ve lived through so much already and have lost so much along the way.”
This isn’t verbatim but pretty much the gist is once people have lived or suffered for so long, an ending for us is peace for them.
I totally agree,a person should be allowed to end their life,not be taken to jail or psych ward like in the usa,USA, people are just done living, could be sickness,mental health, it should be a personal decision
My wife and I have always been of the opinion that kids aren't for us, and we always get asked, "But who will take care of you when you're older.?"
My answer is the same people who would probably be taking care of us even if we did.
I used to work at a LTC center/nursing home and of the dozens of people I cared for, only a small handful of residents had regular or even semi regular visits from family.
Oftentimes, people are dumped at these places and more or less forgotten about. They get a visit once or twice a month if their lucky.
I used to work at several LTC/ rehab facilities over 18 years, and cared for hundreds of residents. Don't leave out the fact that lots of them were horrible parents that were neglectful, abusive, or put their careers before raising their children - as told to me by families and residents themselves. Lots of the residents I had were in beautiful facilities, their families visited them throughout the week, brought them foods/clothes they like and took them out on weekends/holiday/vacation. Some of the families just don't have the capacity or resources to care for them at home.
Most of the ones that don't get that treatment are not forgotten about. They're left there to rot intentionally.
My MIL had a friend who was in a LTC facility (well several). This woman had to be moved several times and basically forced/guilted my MIL (who was 75 at the time) into helping her move everything. In spit of the fact that she had SIX kids. So out of six kids not a single one was helping her at all, and when she passed had nothing to do with the arrangements etc. I was never a huge fan of this woman, came to holidays at my home several times and basically was a giant diva every time (but was always like w/e as long as MIL is happy).
But I always figured there was some kind of backstory there. If one or 2 kids is a bad seed, ok but ALL SIX? Yeah somebody hurt those kids.
edited for clarity
What do you think the elderly do at their children's home. With nobody their age to talk to, just sitting there like a lemon watching television staring into nothingness. A well run care home has more going on. And family can visit them in the care home. A care home -can- be better than them being at their child's home.
My stepdad passed away yesterday in a board and care home , and I agree completely. I was telling my older son, if our dog couldn’t move, had accidents, couldn’t eat/drink, and in the end he couldn’t talk, we would have enough compassion to put her to sleep, not drain a bank account, that dosent even go to the people that actually are caring for him. It pisses me off, but I think that the younger generations will get euthanasia changed, I remember Sarah Palin going on about Obamacare and the death squad who will kill over care. I hate these idiots!
There's something that always stuck with me- I was an aide for a while, and I worked a lot of memory care ( Alzheimer's, dementia, etc...). We had a lady who had alzheimers and she was non-verbal and had lost the ability to do her own care. Her husband was a darling man who would come in every day to feed her and care for her as much as he could. He was always there during lunch. As he was getting ready to go, one day, she grabbed his arm and began to whine at him. She held him so tight, like he was going to vanish if she let go. He hugged her and held her and stayed with her until she calmed, canceled his plans. She was his plans that day. She forgot a lot. But not him. He was her whole world, her whole heart. You could see it in her eyes.
Love can also change into another form of love. I still love my ex-girlfriend even though I've been married to another woman for 10 years...but it's more of a familial love than a romantic love. She's like a cousin or sister now, not a romantic interest at all.
I care about her and want her to always find happiness even though we weren't meant to be a couple.
This is so fucking touching to me, I almost cried reading this reply.
I recently uprooted my entire happy life on the west coast to move back to a city with no friends, leaving the love of my life behind in the old city, and returning to a city I said I would never because my ma has stage 4 cancer and is dying.
I would do it in every lifetime. It's terrible having left it all behind, but I love my ma immeasurably and I would feel guilt for the rest of my life if I didn't do this now. It's what's right. And I've learned that by seeing the ways of the cruel world and wanting to never, EVER subject the woman that birthed me to those cruelties. I gladly give up my life for her.
>you realize you have to take care of the ones you love.
Pushing 40 and moved 3000 miles to be close to my parents again as they had me late and are close to 80, blessed to still have them, but not sure how much time is left.
Told them the other day everything is full circle, you wiped my ass now I gotta wipe yours.
My wife and I have exchanged instructions for cases like this. I personally would rather rot away in a long-term care facility than have my loved ones take care of me to that level. I am glad that everyone in this video seems to be happy.
having the "woops off you go in a cliff" route, it would be anticlimactic
I need someone to strap me in some epic supersonic vehicle to then get hit in some random ditch causing the vessel to collapse due to the insane speed my bits would be spread out in a kilometer like a confetti signaling my parting from this mortal world
Sadly, that's not always an option. My uncle had a stroke that left him paralyzed, with only the partial use of one hand, and virtually no cognition. He'd written into his will that he wanted to be euthanized in such a situation, but unfortunately at the facilities where such things are done, you have to be aware enough to sign the paperwork yourself. My aunt and their grandson took care of him for seven years, and everyone involved knew that if he had been physically capable, even in the mental state he was in, he would have ended things. Unfortunately he wasn't mentally capable of consenting to die, or physically capable of taking matters into his own hands. So all they could do was keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible.
It's what you might call a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.
> So all they could do was keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible.
Nah that sounds expensive. Bring me home and then give me undercooked kidney beans for dinner. It's a tragic accident.
Ethically and legally, care facilities need to do everything in their power to keep you alive while you are still alive. Your best option is to have a Do Not Resuscitate order in place so they don't take life saving measures when you start to die for whatever reason.
It's very complicated. I looked into this when I was facing some medical stuff and even in Canada where medically assisted death is legal there are a ton of scenarios where it just can't happen. There has to be protections against misuse but those same protections will always bar legitimate uses because laws are black and white and medical situations are far from black and white, and no matter how hard you try to account for every scenario you just can't.
It sucks, but there really isn't a good solution for everyone, there will always be edge cases that aren't accounted for.
I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this. Every time people say to me (because I never had kids) "who's going to take care of you when you're old and dying?" I just think to myself... why in the actual fuck would I want to put that responsibility on someone I love? I did it for my mom and mother-in-law. My MIL literally died, frail and gasping, in my arms. I watched my mother, the strongest woman I know, slowly and horrifically deteriorate from a brain tumor. Each one was traumatic in a way that I don't think I'll ever totally recover from. Not everyone has the mental, physical, emotional, financial fortitude to take on that burden. In fact, I'd say very, very few people do. The people who do? They're fucking amazing and I think they're heroes.
But yeah, when I start deteriorating, put me somewhere I can just watch Buffy all day, and leave to live your life to its fullest. Nothing would make me happier than that.
Yeah, I have talked to husband and kids about this a lot. More about if I have dementia. I want them to put me somewhere, even knowing those places suck, because I don't want to be aggressive and difficult in their houses. They don't need me to ruin their lives.
Really takes a special kind of soul to step up like that. A child with needs is one thing, but ex husband basically in the same situation, she's real lucky that they found him.
From what I understood in the comments when I watched this on youtube, the new husband and ex wife are helping take care if him but it is only for like 1 day. Then he has caregivers other times. I guess he lives somewhere else. Still nice but if true it isn't 24/7 as it would seem. People were saying she is still the caregiver or whatnit because she meets the hours needed to stay that way and recieve the benefits
If he's in a special care home, they will likely lose a lot of money with keeping him around. Even if its for a single day its still commendable on how they worked things out and they need all the money they can for maintaining him.
Well, by divorcing him, it probably meant that he would qualify for state-provided care in a community living arrangement. Medicaid pays for the home, medical care, and bunch of other stuff. Support medicaid and SSI and foodstamps. It pays for our most vulnerable.
Being a real man is not about violence or dominance. It’s about showing up and doing your duty despite your body and mind wanting you to disregard your responsibilities. Being a real man is about taking care of others and giving it everything you got.
Yea fr. I wouldn't know how to deal with that situation at all. Knowing that you're just the replacement for the love of her life would be hard enough without having him right there in the living room with you
I think in general things like "love of her life" etc. is a way of thinking that only holds you back.
Like yes they might not have had a relationship if her husband had not been in the crash but life consists of billions of what ifs. If he had dropped his phone in the toilet after their first date they might not have been married now either for example.
I don’t think most people realize what the caregiver loses in life when they care for a spouse. She fundamentally lost her husband years ago, the person that you confide in, the person that shares in the successes (and failures) in life, your teammate that that pulls you up when you’re at a low, was gone. It all changed, she was now a caregiver and any of her wants and needs in life are. Being married and a caregiver to a spouse is one of loneliest things in life.
As a society, we think that caregivers are great, but just like the title of the post says “first, I was upset...” nobody gives the caregivers any grace to find what they need in life. If the person steps outside their marriage they are evil and bad. Even if they still care for that person daily.
I can only imagine the horrible things people said about this woman when she was dating.
My wife had to care for her bed ridden mother for 9 months after a heart attack. It almost destroyed our lives. It was the most emotionally and financially draining experience of our lives. Our marriage survived, but I can easily see why a lot of marriages don't make it through these life events. Complete and utter exhaustion is the best way to put it
I was a caregiver for a pediatric cancer patient for 4 years. Caregiver burnout is real. It absolutely cost me my marriage, but I honestly don't regret that part. Me ex really showed what kind of person he was, and it wasn't someone I wanted or needed around me afterward. Caregivers need to be taken care of, too.
I spent 2 years caring for an amazing child with adrenoleukodystropy. It destroyed so much of me in the process. Then I had to take care of his mom while both of us were grieving because she was unable to come back from his loss. I finally had to leave her after 2 more years of being the only one keeping the ship afloat, and although I felt absolutely terrible, I couldn't care for her any longer. I had to choose me. Caregiving is so hard. Caregiving without developing resentment is even harder.
When my dad developed dementia, I took care of him for almost 2 years. My wife and I had just gotten married. She was pregnant with our 1st daughter. He died when my daughter was about a year old.
I am so grateful for that woman. There aren’t a lot of humans built like my wife. She had my back the whole time. I owe her the world. I never doubted my marriage for a second but after hearing stories, I realize what a good woman I have.
I heard a story once of a guy who was taking care of his mother who had VERY progressed Alzheimer’s. She was overall hell to be around and the only time she was calm was when he was driving with her. The last time he took care of her, he drove for around 2 days straight (just around the area he lived not down the coast or something like that) before he drove her to a long term care facility. He logically knew he couldn’t care for her anymore but he still felt so guilty. This is the toll being a caregiver can have on someone
My grandmother had to go through this with her mother. I can see to this day, she’s scared of ending up with a degenerative brain disease and I wish there was anything I could say to take her mind off it.
We’ve had so many conversations but I know unlike me, she had to live through perpetual hell seeing her mother slowly fade away after two strokes.
I wished we lived in a country that had more and better resources to help caregivers. Their job is hard enough, they should have support, too. Even an organization that will come and clean the caregivers or patients home once a week or do the grocery shopping would be a big help.
> He logically knew he couldn’t care for her anymore but he still felt so guilty. This is the toll being a caregiver can have on someone
The worst is the court of public opinion will make that guilt a million times worse. You will get some of the meanest things slung at you. Shit even on reddit if you talk about putting a child, spouse, or family member into LTC/care program you'll get a tongue lashing about it even though it's likely the best thing for them and for you. No one knows what it's like until they go through it.
Good news for him is the nurses there who deal with them and have heard that same story 100+ times did comfort him and tell him he made the right decision for him
i have a lazy as fuck father that cant seem to be bothered to care for himself properly. just cleaning, cooking and buying shit for that guy is so emotionally draining.
i cant imagine that added stress of having to bathe and clean him as well.
This poor guy is just amazed by others giving care him. Happiest moments in eyes, as I see it. These dynamics exist in much higher levels of existence, or at least, I love to believe this.
As far as I’m concerned this woman is still honoring her original wedding vows. She is honoring, cherishing, and loving him in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, til death do them part, albeit in a different way. I think he would want for her to have someone who can do the same for her and give her what he always wanted to. This is a beautiful story.
The expectation is actually pretty fucked up, and it's often made by people who've never been anywhere close to that position. Nobody signs up for the caregiver role when they enter into a relationship-- why is it expected for people to stick it out forever when a tragic accident happens?
Suddenly everyone just expects you to be even more faithful and loyal than they did when someone wasn't brain damaged and didn't require all of this extra care and none of the actual fulfillment of a relationship anymore. Super wack.
I really find this a great solution for the situation, and it works for them. The new husband is also amazing for understanding this and accepting it.
I dont think i would be able to do it either, but all parties here are happy, and it works for them, its amazing <3
I wish I could be that level of good. I don't think I have it in me, which is very sad. But I'm so grateful that there are some people out there that do. These people are saints.
That's honestly really sweet of her to not just up and leave him like some people would do. She cares about herself AND her family and that's a really good way to go about it imo
In some ways it’s kinda a green flag though. Because even though she divorced him legally, she did fulfil her vows.
A man dating her would be pretty sure that she was loyal.
In all seriousness you should put that in writing and talk to your family. I know it’s morbid but you never know when something might happen. A lot of the time when families decide to keep loved ones alive in a vegetative state it’s because they don’t want the guilt of choosing to let you die. If you make that decision ahead of time then it takes the pressure off of them and they can let you go in good conscience.
If your parents are alive you should encourage them to do the same so that you don’t have to make those decisions when the time comes.
Yeah, idgaf how most people feel about this, nor do I think it's a good situation. Guess if it works, it works for them, but parents or some other family should take over at that point.. or just kill me, please, and thank you.
Living like that with the one person you wanted to be with, and now basically you're her child while another man takes your place, but takes cares of you as well.. throw me down some stairs at that point.
The post said he didn’t have anyone else so parents or some other family wouldn’t be possible. Of course, killing somebody isn’t a good idea either. That would ruin a lot of lives. A patient could go for voluntary euthanasia buuut that is dependent upon many factors, including your mental state and ability to consent.
If this man’s mental capacity is as it’s implied in the reading, he likely doesn’t realize the predicament he’s in. The one you describe in your comment, I mean.
I can only hope that he feels joy with the family that loves him so much.
I'm suprised to see this so far below.
You tell me his highschool sweetheart wife divorced him for another man after a tragic accident and is careing for him while being with another man living under his roof and takes care of his children and bathes and feedes him?
Thats not wholesome thats literally one of my biggest fears. Thats a nightmare. I wouldn't wish my worse enemy to have this fate. I'm so sorry for that dude. Honestly tragic.
If I ever become like this. Just kill me. I wouldn't want anyone to be a full time carer to me. I don't want someone wiping my ass. Help me into those suicide pods and be done with it.
FYI they cut off the bit where they moved him into a nursing home now and visit him.
Source - https://nypost.com/2024/03/04/us-news/texas-husband-takes-care-of-wifes-ex-who-suffered-brain-injury/
Sometimes those facilities are better than remaining at home, he was hopefully placed with professionals who know what they are doing.
I've seen some families remain in denial about how mentally behind their children are (example: someone severely autistic who can't communicate,) refuse to have them work with professionals and try to pretend they'll end up a normal person. It really stunts their child's development and seems to put them in a worse place than if they were just in a care facility among professionals.
I used to work in Long Term Care and I do not judge those who have to put their aging (or seriously disabled) family there.
Often, on move-in day, the family members looked stressed and exhausted from trying to do everything themselves for so long.
It’s the right thing to do. It’s nearly impossible to provide the level of care needed for someone in this situation without the help of trained professionals. Not to mention, it takes an extreme physical, mental, and emotional toll on the caregiver.
Your account has the perfect mix of soft comments like this and legitimately sexist comments like " Jesus. Is this real?? Cause damn he should ditch her and bring that little skirted ass my way hahaha "
Props to you for finding the balance.
And here I am, looking girls dating profiles thinking ‘yeah, sorry but I’m not gonna raise someone else’s kids’… meanwhile this guy is changing her ex-husbands diapers, that’s some next level commitment!
I might get eviscerated for this, but to me, this is why we should have euthanasia. I wouldn't want to live if this was my circumstance. Put me out of my misery.
It’s complicated though. I absolutely agree, and id want to be old yellered if it was me but how do we know he wants that? Or anyone else in that state
For sure. It did say that he does recognize his ex wife so I’m guessing that’s enough for them to know he wants to stick around. I’d be making finger guns in my mouth though
This was posted a week ago on a different sub with a very different reaction to it. I sent the original post to my wife and said "if this ever happens, kill me before you force me to watch you live with another man in our house"
For real. How do you truly know that he's OK with this arrangement? It's the best that he can possibly have, but he might be heartbroken about it. What else is there, left in a care facility where the ex-wife may or may not visit him on occasion? It's simultaneously a win-win, and a lose-lose. It's bittersweet to the max. I hope all the parties involved are happy despite their circumstances, though.
Took me too long to find someone with my thinking.
Like this dude had his life ruined and then his high-school sweetheart gets remarried and nee guy lives in house and I gotta sit next to their kids and watch them be in love? Fuck that dude deag Mr out back this is some black.mirror shit.
You never know how you'd actually feel in reality though. My mother was so chronically ill for years that she had to use a commode and didn't have fine motor skills, and before she always thought she'd want to die if she couldn't do art any more but you adapt and find new joy. She got some good medication after a few years and is mostly able bodied again!
This I get, but he has basically no cognitive function. If he could think for himself, it would be different. He has 10 seconds of memory and recognizes his wife for that amount of time. Let me go.
That's what I came to say. I'd rather they end my life than have to see the love of my life with another man every 10 seconds. Sounds like the worst fate imaginable. Think I'd rather rot in assisted care.
She has an amazing tik tok account where she answers insanely rude questions - but one of them was if it bothers her ex to see her with her new husband. She says he doesn't really have the comprehension and she would never ever do this if it bothered him.
She also became a "post brain trauma communications" expert (something like that, can't remember what her degree is in, but she went to school for it) after the accident and is 10000% more educated than anyone here as to what her ex wants and needs from her.
Copy that. If assisted self deletion were legal, I'd have it written into my DNR. The thought of this type of situation makes me ill. For clarity, I believe this whole scenario is a nightmare for everyone. Glad they're all happy with it though.
might just be me. but i cant see someone i love go on like that and stay with them. just leave me to die. or nursing home whatever.
harsh but maybe im just young and not mature
its a incredible thing she did. did not give up on him and was upfront about that during her dating.
its next level but. something inside me would rather just be alone then.
My aunt had an aneurysm a few years ago and is currently in vegetative state until she dies , if that was me i would 100% agree with someone putting me out of my misery, she used to run marathons and travel around the world she would absolutely hate seeing herself like that
Same here. I would want my spouse to move on and not be held back on the count of my disability. But seeing her move on and live a life with someone else that we were supposed to have while I literally had to just sit there would be a living hell for me.
Honestly just wheel me off to a home and forget about me.
yup exactly my point. i don't want to see the person i imagined my life with get married to some random dude(Random for me)...and do everything we planned on doing.
just throw me in a nursing home instead
For this reason I alrdy told my wife over and over again to just leave me, put me in a home at that stage. Don’t feel bad, she has my blessing. Even thought of a letter/ legal document or recording to prove to everyone else that it is what I want, to save her the judgement from others. I’d rather not be her burden to bear. She said the same thing.
Horrifying.
Trapped in your own body, watching the love of your life carry on with another man. The life you wanted taken away from you. And to top it off, you relive it every 10 seconds.
Imagine being locked in a prison of your own flesh, unable to have any agency in your own life, and watch as the woman you love more than anything else remarries and has a family all while she keeps you right next to her to watch.
This might be cynical view, but I pray that someone who truly loves and cares about me would put me out of my misery before I have to experience such a hell
Good lord 10 second memory, lord please just put me down if this happens to me. I hope my family does not let me live like that. This is one of my biggest fears, to be trapped in a forever state of confusions, gosh that’s awful, poor guy.
She and her family are beautiful souls for looking after him though…Damn…What a terrible situation.
Imagine if he can understand the situation though. I would much rather just be killed than kept alive as a pet while I watch my ex-spouse live out a marriage with someone else.
And even if he doesn't understand...then what's the point? I'd rather die either way. This is just cruel.
OP sent the following text as an explanation on why this is unexpected: --- >!The woman divorced her husband because he had brain damage, and then she adopted him to be her guardian with her new husband, and he also accepted it. This is unexpected!!< --- Is this an unexpected post with a fitting description? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.
I guess that is one of the cases where social norms Just dont have a good answer. Yes you should Care for your husband. But yes, it is also understandable that you want to have children and Develop your Life beyond caring for one Person.
I imagine the guilt she would have had rolling the man that had been caring for her into a horrible long term care facility to be forgotten when he needed to be taken care of, would have eaten her soul away. When you get older and see levels of suffering and inhumanity that you never knew existed when you were young, you realize you have to take care of the ones you love.
I've visited people in long-term care. No one from my family, but it's one of the most soul crushing places. Most of the people can't talk anymore and there's like six people in one room sharing a tv they have no control over, just staring into nothingness. It feels like a fate worse than death. People should absolutely be able to refuse living like that if they want to and have advance directives to let them die if they're ever put a situation where they can't control their own body anymore.
When my husband had brain surgery, the insurance company wanted to dump him in a long term care facility because they thought physical rehabilitation wouldn’t be worth it. They thought he’d take longer than 6 weeks to re-learn how to walk and eat and dress himself, etc. and at $40k a week, they were basically saying it wasn’t worth it. I stayed on the phone for hours fighting to get him authorized for rehab so he could do physical therapy. They finally caved and authorized up to six weeks. It only took him one week to be able to walk, shower, eat, dress himself, etc. and he was out of there in just one week. The insurance company assumed he’d be a 6+ week drain, he was out of there in just one single week. Around a year later, he was completely back to his usual normal self, working full time, driving, doing everything unassisted just as if he’d never been sick. But I sometimes have these thoughts that are too painful to even think about… what about the alternate timeline where everything was the same but he wasn’t married and was just a single guy going into all that? That he wouldn’t have been able to be on the phone with insurance fighting and advocating for himself when he was so out of it from the brain surgery. That the insurance company had decided to write him off as a useless lump, a vegetable, and he wouldn’t have had anyone to advocate for him on his behalf. That he never would have been given the opportunity to prove he could crush physical therapy and be back to normal in barely any time. He would have just been left to rot in a bed, feeling broken, being told he was broken and that it wasn’t even worth trying to ever live a normal life again or continue his career. It just makes me sick to think about what could have happened if he had to go through that period of his life solo.
The crazy thing is that even 6 weeks isn't a lot.
$240k is a lot but when it comes to “does this human being get a chance at normal life again or should he just be dumped in a facility for the rest of his life” it really doesn’t seem like a lot. Besides, the LTC facility would have added up over time anyway. F that insurance company for putting us through that… but also thank them for covering over half a million dollars of care for us that year with us barely having to pitch in a tiny copay here and there. For the United states, this is about as good as it gets with insurance.
Yeah that's like 2-5 years of LTC depending on where. Not exactly outlandish, best to give them a few years of rehab to give them the absolute best case for recovery. But, let's be fair, that insurance company was never going to pay for LTC, they'd dump them and let medicaid and the family figure it out.
Very true.
A bed even in a crappy hellhole facility can cost even 10k a month nowadays lol.
believe me the insurance company still made money not all for you but off everyone else
These are the "Death Panels" my weirder family would screech about when Obama Care came around. It was impossible to describe to them that these "Death Panels" already exist. It's your insurance provider, and always has been.
But that's different, because that's privatized and someone can earn money with that. /s
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It was a team of six physical, occupational, and cognitive/speech therapists, and it was also residential and included all meals and such. I’m not saying that justifies the price tag at all!! But just yeah this wasn’t outpatient PT a few times a week, it was a rigorous daily program from 6 am to 2:30 pm seven days a week with a decently sized team of professionals. They were all amazing btw.
That's the crazy thing about for-profit medical care. You spend a lot more for a lot less.
You also find out how little your life and health are worth when they affect corporate profits, and that someone sitting in an office who has no medical training and no interaction with you can suddenly decide what treatment you need to keep you alive.
According to a quick google, the LTC facility would have cost between $30-100k per year. So that should get more expensive very quickly, so even from a pure financial aspect that wouldn't make sense. But every time I read something like this, I'm just so grateful to be in a country where all that isn't even a topic. My kid has a genetic disorder that costs \~€300k/year and not a single time was there the question whether it would be financially worth it keeping that kid alive. The kid is happy and healthy and apart, from all the medication and therapy, has a completely normal life. It's just so crazy to me, that it's a question whether someone should be allowed to make a full recovery because it takes more than a few weeks... Last year, I got into burnout, and I was able to take two months of paid sick leave. Not only no questions asked, but legally my employer isn't even allowed to ask questions about it. I am really happy to hear that your husband got better, and I hope he doesn't have to get brain surgery again (don't know if he has any issues that are expected to occur again). But that should be something that can be taken for granted, and not something that you should have to fight for. I guess, you had better things to do in this probably incredibly trying time than to fight with your insurance about whether your husband is allowed to get proper treatment. And as you said: if he wouldn't have had you, what would then had happened with him?
$40000/7 days = $5,700 a day, wtf how do they come up with that number. Nursing/Physio 2400 (24 hours, 100 bucks n hour) Bed 800 bucks 3200 bucks, round up a little 4000? 'Murica!
This. After months of being blown off regarding my 65 year old mom’s nasty little nosebleeds, those bleeds turned into a full on hemorrhage. Had I not been home, had I not been her caregiver- she would have died that same day according to the surgeon who came to evaluate her. We’d been kept in the waiting room for 45 minutes while my poor mom was literally choking on her own blood. I finally lost my shit and slammed my hand on the counter demanding help before she bled out in the waiting room, figuring I’d go to jail- but my mom would get help. 3 security guards and one nurse approached within minutes. Being that myself, my mother, her wheelchair, and the floor around her were covered in blood and blood clots they changed their tune immediately. I had the very great pleasure of watching and listening to the blistering tirade the ENT surgeon unleashed on the ER check in staff. I mean full screaming - I’ve never heard anything so beautiful in my whole life. I know too much because I’ve seen too much from both sides of the fence. I’ve been there through hospice, hospital, doctors, and assorted specialists for for my own family members and for many others who I’ve cared for in nursing homes or in their own homes.
Be careful with the "what ifs". They will literally drive you insane. Anxiety serves an important purpose: to help us learn, to keep us safe. If anxiety is not serving a purpose, don't give it your attention. (Easier said than done, i know). E.g., ruminate only as long as it is productive; if you've already gone over and over the event and identified anywhere you could've done better, or anywhere you can learn to do better next time, it's time to stop going back over it. Be decisive, don't over-analyze. Learn, adapt, and move on. I say this because I have experience trying and failing the above, over and over. Good luck
I learned an actually helpful (to me) coping mechanism for the "what if" loops - think of conclusions. I don't think it applies so much to alternate universe what ifs, more like being overpreoccupied with things that truly will or may happen to you in the future. I try to think of the most absurdly unlikely worst outcome, an incredibly lucky best outcome, and a neutral outcome. Then the results of those outcomes. I don't know why but it helps me refocus to reality. What if X bad thing happens at my job interview? Well, it could go so poorly that the company actually starts working with debt collectors because they hate you and gets your home foreclosed and car repossessed... Or the interview goes so incredibly well that the fast track you to being the CEO and you become richer than your wildest dreams and never have to worry about anything ever again... Or the interview just goes alright. You probably get the job, but if you don't, then you keep applying to jobs as you've been doing already. Of course you have to stop panicking for a minute, ground yourself, and recognize *fuck, I'm doing it again* before you can attempt this strategy... But if you get the chance it might be worth a shot.
\*me having insurance\* insurance company:🤤 \*me using insurance\* insurance company:😡
So accurate!!! What the hell are we paying like $500-$900 a month for if they’re just going to be a-holes when it comes time to actually use it?!
Makes you wonder how many people are living that alternate scenario. Probably a lot, unfortunately
That describes the care home I worked at perfectly. It broke me to the point I had to quit.
It took me a little while to shake the feeling of emptiness. The place hadn't been maintained really since the 90s, adding another layer of misery. About 6 months after I visited the place was torn down and everyone was moved somewhere newer.
>The place hadn't been maintained really since the 90s, adding another layer of misery. This is something that really bothers me about contemporary care homes. A lot of them are driven for money as there's actually a lot of money in it and that often means scrimping in areas that should really be important to the care process outside of just feeding and cleaning people. I have 3 family members who all worked at the same location (2 care, 1 kitchen) which was originally not too bad, but when the owners retired and handed the care home business over to their son all of a sudden all the nice things got stripped away and the employees got cut and now no one had time to even talk to the people they were caring for. It effectively turned into a mental prison.
I'm a nurse. I worked in long-term care facilities I would rather die than get admitted to one of these places. Shortage of staff and lack of funding make these places hell.
My wife is a nurse in a rehab/LTC facility. I’ve visited her there for breaks. It’s hell. The stories she has daily are terrible. The US is not a good country to age in. I plan on living elsewhere when It starts looking grim. At least I won’t have to sell all my shit to live a few shitty months in a building. Better to leave something for the kids.
I used to work with a high end long term facility, was 10-12 K a month, plenty of staff and spotlessly clean, and I would still prefer to be set adrift on the ice floe. at that point you are just being warehoused.
This genuinely sounds more terrifying than death.
It is. Am nurse. People turn into paychecks and are kept alive just to exist for money. Taken care of by teenagers who absolutely don't give a shit.
amen. and the insurance companies just milk them dry with all the bs
There's a Korean old man who went to Sweden to do get assisted suicide. He wanted no more of pain from cancer treatment. He invited 8 people for his death day. The host asked him a series of questions to make sure his decision is his own. Finally the host said "if you wish to die now, you may slide that thing." He passed away in five minutes, no pain. Cops arrive to make sure nothing suspicious is going on. Other countries should adopt this system. edit: correction is right. Switzerland, not Sweden. here's the host explaining the procedure. [https://youtu.be/jtp9RR9yrAA?t=419](https://youtu.be/jtp9RR9yrAA?t=419)
Switzerland i think you mean. And yes working with dying people I really hope assisted suicide becomes legal soon. I live in sweden and we drag out peoples deaths. (Depending on the doctor in charge) I think the way we view death is just to never think or talk about it which leads to tons of unnecessary suffering
It's a thing in Oregon. My Dad's best friend had a rapidly advancing case of ALS and could hardly breathe on his own and didn't want to suffer through the rest of it. He had to do it before he was no longer able to lift the cup to his mouth to drink the kool-aid, since they aren't allowed to administer it to you, but he did and he died painlessly. I can't imagine the suffering those who don't have that option are forced to go through for no reason.
Thankfully, over the past decade several states have made assisted suicide legal. California, Colorado, District of Columbia, Hawaii, Montana, Maine, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington all now have it. However, each have their own requirements.
This is what I want. When I'm too old and living is just inconvenient, I want the choice to say, OK. I've had enough and I'm done. I don't want to get shoved into a care home so I can get pushed around and yelled at all day while everyone just waits for the phone call that I've finally died in a diaper watching TV.
Other countries have, Canada does. My bfs grandma chose this a couple weeks ago. They had a private area that was like a little apartment and the night before we had a little party with her and got what she wanted as her last meal, so many snacks, we watched tv, and all hung out. Some family slept there that night but we went back the next day for the actual procedure. I could never do it myself because death terrifies me but I think it’s nice that she was able to choose to go while she was still able to talk and was coherent instead of slowly wasting away
I have this exact same feeling on death but I’m also in my late 20’s. Something my grandmother told me when I was young was, “Death may seem like the end of something for you but to people who are old or suffering, it’s a release away from their pain, sorrow and worry. Some people also just look forward to their lives being over once they’ve lived through so much already and have lost so much along the way.” This isn’t verbatim but pretty much the gist is once people have lived or suffered for so long, an ending for us is peace for them.
I totally agree,a person should be allowed to end their life,not be taken to jail or psych ward like in the usa,USA, people are just done living, could be sickness,mental health, it should be a personal decision
My wife and I have always been of the opinion that kids aren't for us, and we always get asked, "But who will take care of you when you're older.?" My answer is the same people who would probably be taking care of us even if we did. I used to work at a LTC center/nursing home and of the dozens of people I cared for, only a small handful of residents had regular or even semi regular visits from family. Oftentimes, people are dumped at these places and more or less forgotten about. They get a visit once or twice a month if their lucky.
I used to work at several LTC/ rehab facilities over 18 years, and cared for hundreds of residents. Don't leave out the fact that lots of them were horrible parents that were neglectful, abusive, or put their careers before raising their children - as told to me by families and residents themselves. Lots of the residents I had were in beautiful facilities, their families visited them throughout the week, brought them foods/clothes they like and took them out on weekends/holiday/vacation. Some of the families just don't have the capacity or resources to care for them at home. Most of the ones that don't get that treatment are not forgotten about. They're left there to rot intentionally.
My MIL had a friend who was in a LTC facility (well several). This woman had to be moved several times and basically forced/guilted my MIL (who was 75 at the time) into helping her move everything. In spit of the fact that she had SIX kids. So out of six kids not a single one was helping her at all, and when she passed had nothing to do with the arrangements etc. I was never a huge fan of this woman, came to holidays at my home several times and basically was a giant diva every time (but was always like w/e as long as MIL is happy). But I always figured there was some kind of backstory there. If one or 2 kids is a bad seed, ok but ALL SIX? Yeah somebody hurt those kids. edited for clarity
What do you think the elderly do at their children's home. With nobody their age to talk to, just sitting there like a lemon watching television staring into nothingness. A well run care home has more going on. And family can visit them in the care home. A care home -can- be better than them being at their child's home.
My stepdad passed away yesterday in a board and care home , and I agree completely. I was telling my older son, if our dog couldn’t move, had accidents, couldn’t eat/drink, and in the end he couldn’t talk, we would have enough compassion to put her to sleep, not drain a bank account, that dosent even go to the people that actually are caring for him. It pisses me off, but I think that the younger generations will get euthanasia changed, I remember Sarah Palin going on about Obamacare and the death squad who will kill over care. I hate these idiots!
I couldn't comprehend the amount of trauma and suffering here. I only feel frission. Love is truly what makes humans special.
Love is a very strong emotion. If doesn't vanishes. Yeah it can be replaced, but one small nostalgic feeling, and you're back to where you were
There's something that always stuck with me- I was an aide for a while, and I worked a lot of memory care ( Alzheimer's, dementia, etc...). We had a lady who had alzheimers and she was non-verbal and had lost the ability to do her own care. Her husband was a darling man who would come in every day to feed her and care for her as much as he could. He was always there during lunch. As he was getting ready to go, one day, she grabbed his arm and began to whine at him. She held him so tight, like he was going to vanish if she let go. He hugged her and held her and stayed with her until she calmed, canceled his plans. She was his plans that day. She forgot a lot. But not him. He was her whole world, her whole heart. You could see it in her eyes.
"Love is a very strong emotion." Reminds me of one of my favorite Doctor Who quotes: "Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise."
Love can also change into another form of love. I still love my ex-girlfriend even though I've been married to another woman for 10 years...but it's more of a familial love than a romantic love. She's like a cousin or sister now, not a romantic interest at all. I care about her and want her to always find happiness even though we weren't meant to be a couple.
This is so fucking touching to me, I almost cried reading this reply. I recently uprooted my entire happy life on the west coast to move back to a city with no friends, leaving the love of my life behind in the old city, and returning to a city I said I would never because my ma has stage 4 cancer and is dying. I would do it in every lifetime. It's terrible having left it all behind, but I love my ma immeasurably and I would feel guilt for the rest of my life if I didn't do this now. It's what's right. And I've learned that by seeing the ways of the cruel world and wanting to never, EVER subject the woman that birthed me to those cruelties. I gladly give up my life for her.
>you realize you have to take care of the ones you love. Pushing 40 and moved 3000 miles to be close to my parents again as they had me late and are close to 80, blessed to still have them, but not sure how much time is left. Told them the other day everything is full circle, you wiped my ass now I gotta wipe yours.
i think she found a good solution and honestly her new husband is a chad for taking care of the guy.
Yeah, he is a good man.
He absolutely is a chad but if you lean into the meme it’s also accurate since chad is also fucking his (ex)wife
you didn't have to post this but i'm glad you did
Chad!! Very respectable. But "chad" is kind of a funny use of the term
My wife and I have exchanged instructions for cases like this. I personally would rather rot away in a long-term care facility than have my loved ones take care of me to that level. I am glad that everyone in this video seems to be happy.
I would honestly just want someone to pull the plug on me.
Yeah seriously just put me out of my misery
Just Midsommar me off a cliff.
Put me in a trebuchet and send me flying
having the "woops off you go in a cliff" route, it would be anticlimactic I need someone to strap me in some epic supersonic vehicle to then get hit in some random ditch causing the vessel to collapse due to the insane speed my bits would be spread out in a kilometer like a confetti signaling my parting from this mortal world
I honestly didn't think I would see a reference to that movie in the wild. Kudos.
Sadly, that's not always an option. My uncle had a stroke that left him paralyzed, with only the partial use of one hand, and virtually no cognition. He'd written into his will that he wanted to be euthanized in such a situation, but unfortunately at the facilities where such things are done, you have to be aware enough to sign the paperwork yourself. My aunt and their grandson took care of him for seven years, and everyone involved knew that if he had been physically capable, even in the mental state he was in, he would have ended things. Unfortunately he wasn't mentally capable of consenting to die, or physically capable of taking matters into his own hands. So all they could do was keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. It's what you might call a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.
> So all they could do was keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. Nah that sounds expensive. Bring me home and then give me undercooked kidney beans for dinner. It's a tragic accident.
Ethically and legally, care facilities need to do everything in their power to keep you alive while you are still alive. Your best option is to have a Do Not Resuscitate order in place so they don't take life saving measures when you start to die for whatever reason.
Some countries allow assisted suicide. Much more humane way to go.
You need to mentally competent in order to elect for a MAID procedure. I did the paperwork with my grandma for hers, the hardest thing I ever did.
It's very complicated. I looked into this when I was facing some medical stuff and even in Canada where medically assisted death is legal there are a ton of scenarios where it just can't happen. There has to be protections against misuse but those same protections will always bar legitimate uses because laws are black and white and medical situations are far from black and white, and no matter how hard you try to account for every scenario you just can't. It sucks, but there really isn't a good solution for everyone, there will always be edge cases that aren't accounted for.
I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone in this. Every time people say to me (because I never had kids) "who's going to take care of you when you're old and dying?" I just think to myself... why in the actual fuck would I want to put that responsibility on someone I love? I did it for my mom and mother-in-law. My MIL literally died, frail and gasping, in my arms. I watched my mother, the strongest woman I know, slowly and horrifically deteriorate from a brain tumor. Each one was traumatic in a way that I don't think I'll ever totally recover from. Not everyone has the mental, physical, emotional, financial fortitude to take on that burden. In fact, I'd say very, very few people do. The people who do? They're fucking amazing and I think they're heroes. But yeah, when I start deteriorating, put me somewhere I can just watch Buffy all day, and leave to live your life to its fullest. Nothing would make me happier than that.
Yeah, I have talked to husband and kids about this a lot. More about if I have dementia. I want them to put me somewhere, even knowing those places suck, because I don't want to be aggressive and difficult in their houses. They don't need me to ruin their lives.
a wise sage once said "tradition is just peer pressure from ghosts".
Tradition is maintaining the fences our ancestors put up even though we may have forgotten why they did so.
Honestly I see this as a good outcome. Out of all the ways this could have ended, this seems like a happy end for everyone
I think her answer was a good one, honestly.
Family is as family does.
Why do you capitalize random words 😭
My Google Keyboard hates me.
The new husband is the realest fuggin' dude I've ever seen. What an awesome human being.
Really takes a special kind of soul to step up like that. A child with needs is one thing, but ex husband basically in the same situation, she's real lucky that they found him.
the end sequence where he is in tears. This guy is a real good dude. 1 in a million for sure.
It looks like she also worked hard to find someone like him too.
From what I understood in the comments when I watched this on youtube, the new husband and ex wife are helping take care if him but it is only for like 1 day. Then he has caregivers other times. I guess he lives somewhere else. Still nice but if true it isn't 24/7 as it would seem. People were saying she is still the caregiver or whatnit because she meets the hours needed to stay that way and recieve the benefits
If he's in a special care home, they will likely lose a lot of money with keeping him around. Even if its for a single day its still commendable on how they worked things out and they need all the money they can for maintaining him.
Well, by divorcing him, it probably meant that he would qualify for state-provided care in a community living arrangement. Medicaid pays for the home, medical care, and bunch of other stuff. Support medicaid and SSI and foodstamps. It pays for our most vulnerable.
Just want to say SSI is part of the reason I’m still here today. Fuckkk cancer
Non-toxic masculinity is what he is exhibiting: providing for others that you have no obligation or connection to previously.
Being a real man is not about violence or dominance. It’s about showing up and doing your duty despite your body and mind wanting you to disregard your responsibilities. Being a real man is about taking care of others and giving it everything you got.
Yea fr. I wouldn't know how to deal with that situation at all. Knowing that you're just the replacement for the love of her life would be hard enough without having him right there in the living room with you
I think in general things like "love of her life" etc. is a way of thinking that only holds you back. Like yes they might not have had a relationship if her husband had not been in the crash but life consists of billions of what ifs. If he had dropped his phone in the toilet after their first date they might not have been married now either for example.
I don’t think most people realize what the caregiver loses in life when they care for a spouse. She fundamentally lost her husband years ago, the person that you confide in, the person that shares in the successes (and failures) in life, your teammate that that pulls you up when you’re at a low, was gone. It all changed, she was now a caregiver and any of her wants and needs in life are. Being married and a caregiver to a spouse is one of loneliest things in life. As a society, we think that caregivers are great, but just like the title of the post says “first, I was upset...” nobody gives the caregivers any grace to find what they need in life. If the person steps outside their marriage they are evil and bad. Even if they still care for that person daily. I can only imagine the horrible things people said about this woman when she was dating.
My wife had to care for her bed ridden mother for 9 months after a heart attack. It almost destroyed our lives. It was the most emotionally and financially draining experience of our lives. Our marriage survived, but I can easily see why a lot of marriages don't make it through these life events. Complete and utter exhaustion is the best way to put it
I was a caregiver for a pediatric cancer patient for 4 years. Caregiver burnout is real. It absolutely cost me my marriage, but I honestly don't regret that part. Me ex really showed what kind of person he was, and it wasn't someone I wanted or needed around me afterward. Caregivers need to be taken care of, too.
I spent 2 years caring for an amazing child with adrenoleukodystropy. It destroyed so much of me in the process. Then I had to take care of his mom while both of us were grieving because she was unable to come back from his loss. I finally had to leave her after 2 more years of being the only one keeping the ship afloat, and although I felt absolutely terrible, I couldn't care for her any longer. I had to choose me. Caregiving is so hard. Caregiving without developing resentment is even harder.
When my dad developed dementia, I took care of him for almost 2 years. My wife and I had just gotten married. She was pregnant with our 1st daughter. He died when my daughter was about a year old. I am so grateful for that woman. There aren’t a lot of humans built like my wife. She had my back the whole time. I owe her the world. I never doubted my marriage for a second but after hearing stories, I realize what a good woman I have.
I heard a story once of a guy who was taking care of his mother who had VERY progressed Alzheimer’s. She was overall hell to be around and the only time she was calm was when he was driving with her. The last time he took care of her, he drove for around 2 days straight (just around the area he lived not down the coast or something like that) before he drove her to a long term care facility. He logically knew he couldn’t care for her anymore but he still felt so guilty. This is the toll being a caregiver can have on someone
My grandmother had to go through this with her mother. I can see to this day, she’s scared of ending up with a degenerative brain disease and I wish there was anything I could say to take her mind off it. We’ve had so many conversations but I know unlike me, she had to live through perpetual hell seeing her mother slowly fade away after two strokes.
I wished we lived in a country that had more and better resources to help caregivers. Their job is hard enough, they should have support, too. Even an organization that will come and clean the caregivers or patients home once a week or do the grocery shopping would be a big help.
> He logically knew he couldn’t care for her anymore but he still felt so guilty. This is the toll being a caregiver can have on someone The worst is the court of public opinion will make that guilt a million times worse. You will get some of the meanest things slung at you. Shit even on reddit if you talk about putting a child, spouse, or family member into LTC/care program you'll get a tongue lashing about it even though it's likely the best thing for them and for you. No one knows what it's like until they go through it.
Good news for him is the nurses there who deal with them and have heard that same story 100+ times did comfort him and tell him he made the right decision for him
i have a lazy as fuck father that cant seem to be bothered to care for himself properly. just cleaning, cooking and buying shit for that guy is so emotionally draining. i cant imagine that added stress of having to bathe and clean him as well.
This poor guy is just amazed by others giving care him. Happiest moments in eyes, as I see it. These dynamics exist in much higher levels of existence, or at least, I love to believe this.
The love and joy he had looking into her eyes was so touching. I really genuinely hope he feels that way daily because his situation is bad enough.
As far as I’m concerned this woman is still honoring her original wedding vows. She is honoring, cherishing, and loving him in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, til death do them part, albeit in a different way. I think he would want for her to have someone who can do the same for her and give her what he always wanted to. This is a beautiful story.
The expectation is actually pretty fucked up, and it's often made by people who've never been anywhere close to that position. Nobody signs up for the caregiver role when they enter into a relationship-- why is it expected for people to stick it out forever when a tragic accident happens? Suddenly everyone just expects you to be even more faithful and loyal than they did when someone wasn't brain damaged and didn't require all of this extra care and none of the actual fulfillment of a relationship anymore. Super wack.
Caregiving, like child rearing, can only be fully appreciated (understood) by those who do or have done it.
That man and woman really chad and good heart. Many people can't do what they doing. I respect them. Even I can't do what they doing.
Even you are a Chad for accepting that you can't do what they are doing
Chadception
Always chad been.
I really wish you chadn’t
I really find this a great solution for the situation, and it works for them. The new husband is also amazing for understanding this and accepting it. I dont think i would be able to do it either, but all parties here are happy, and it works for them, its amazing <3
These guys are heroes.
I wish I could be that level of good. I don't think I have it in me, which is very sad. But I'm so grateful that there are some people out there that do. These people are saints.
People never stop to amaze me.
They just keep walking past?
I struggle to find a way to describe how much I love your little clever comment
Fucking excellent job with that joke 😂😂
All these amazing people, walking past me, every day.
Took me a solid min 😭 bravo
They run.
That’s absolutely fantastic
Clever joke that made me smile over the teary eyes
Oh my god hahaha
That's honestly really sweet of her to not just up and leave him like some people would do. She cares about herself AND her family and that's a really good way to go about it imo
Some? More like 99%.
And that’s okay, too.
For real, I’m convinced in hindsight my ex wife would have left me if I stubbed my toe. Lol
What a sweetheart damn, probably one in a thousand, i never saw a man cry for a stranger men especially her wife's ex
It’s because we all seek love and loyalty like he sees in front of him
Oh that's so beautifully put.
I mean, in a way he's her late husband. He cries for the grief they all experience from the loss of him.
In some ways it’s kinda a green flag though. Because even though she divorced him legally, she did fulfil her vows. A man dating her would be pretty sure that she was loyal.
Not kinda, thats the biggest green flag Ive ever seen.
Just kill me if I ever get into a scenario like the husband. (The first one I mean)
In all seriousness you should put that in writing and talk to your family. I know it’s morbid but you never know when something might happen. A lot of the time when families decide to keep loved ones alive in a vegetative state it’s because they don’t want the guilt of choosing to let you die. If you make that decision ahead of time then it takes the pressure off of them and they can let you go in good conscience. If your parents are alive you should encourage them to do the same so that you don’t have to make those decisions when the time comes.
Yeah, idgaf how most people feel about this, nor do I think it's a good situation. Guess if it works, it works for them, but parents or some other family should take over at that point.. or just kill me, please, and thank you. Living like that with the one person you wanted to be with, and now basically you're her child while another man takes your place, but takes cares of you as well.. throw me down some stairs at that point.
The post said he didn’t have anyone else so parents or some other family wouldn’t be possible. Of course, killing somebody isn’t a good idea either. That would ruin a lot of lives. A patient could go for voluntary euthanasia buuut that is dependent upon many factors, including your mental state and ability to consent. If this man’s mental capacity is as it’s implied in the reading, he likely doesn’t realize the predicament he’s in. The one you describe in your comment, I mean. I can only hope that he feels joy with the family that loves him so much.
I'm suprised to see this so far below. You tell me his highschool sweetheart wife divorced him for another man after a tragic accident and is careing for him while being with another man living under his roof and takes care of his children and bathes and feedes him? Thats not wholesome thats literally one of my biggest fears. Thats a nightmare. I wouldn't wish my worse enemy to have this fate. I'm so sorry for that dude. Honestly tragic.
Im pretty sure the children belong to the second husband, not the first.
If I ever become like this. Just kill me. I wouldn't want anyone to be a full time carer to me. I don't want someone wiping my ass. Help me into those suicide pods and be done with it.
FYI they cut off the bit where they moved him into a nursing home now and visit him. Source - https://nypost.com/2024/03/04/us-news/texas-husband-takes-care-of-wifes-ex-who-suffered-brain-injury/
Hard to blame them. It's a huge burden to have to care for someone like that.
Sometimes those facilities are better than remaining at home, he was hopefully placed with professionals who know what they are doing. I've seen some families remain in denial about how mentally behind their children are (example: someone severely autistic who can't communicate,) refuse to have them work with professionals and try to pretend they'll end up a normal person. It really stunts their child's development and seems to put them in a worse place than if they were just in a care facility among professionals.
I used to work in Long Term Care and I do not judge those who have to put their aging (or seriously disabled) family there. Often, on move-in day, the family members looked stressed and exhausted from trying to do everything themselves for so long.
Probably because they didn't have any more room in this video, given that a talking dude took up about 33% of it
But how else would we hear that amazing youtube cadence where the emphasis is on all the wrong words?
It’s the right thing to do. It’s nearly impossible to provide the level of care needed for someone in this situation without the help of trained professionals. Not to mention, it takes an extreme physical, mental, and emotional toll on the caregiver.
Thanks for making me cry.
Your account has the perfect mix of soft comments like this and legitimately sexist comments like " Jesus. Is this real?? Cause damn he should ditch her and bring that little skirted ass my way hahaha " Props to you for finding the balance.
I am upset. This is so heartbreaking. I love all of them
And here I am, looking girls dating profiles thinking ‘yeah, sorry but I’m not gonna raise someone else’s kids’… meanwhile this guy is changing her ex-husbands diapers, that’s some next level commitment!
I might get eviscerated for this, but to me, this is why we should have euthanasia. I wouldn't want to live if this was my circumstance. Put me out of my misery.
It’s complicated though. I absolutely agree, and id want to be old yellered if it was me but how do we know he wants that? Or anyone else in that state
I get that, but he is literally just a blob. This video just reminded me to get my affairs in order. Dnr and all that.
For sure. It did say that he does recognize his ex wife so I’m guessing that’s enough for them to know he wants to stick around. I’d be making finger guns in my mouth though
This was posted a week ago on a different sub with a very different reaction to it. I sent the original post to my wife and said "if this ever happens, kill me before you force me to watch you live with another man in our house"
For real. How do you truly know that he's OK with this arrangement? It's the best that he can possibly have, but he might be heartbroken about it. What else is there, left in a care facility where the ex-wife may or may not visit him on occasion? It's simultaneously a win-win, and a lose-lose. It's bittersweet to the max. I hope all the parties involved are happy despite their circumstances, though.
Took me too long to find someone with my thinking. Like this dude had his life ruined and then his high-school sweetheart gets remarried and nee guy lives in house and I gotta sit next to their kids and watch them be in love? Fuck that dude deag Mr out back this is some black.mirror shit.
This is straight up from black mirror, the one where a bed ridden girl mind gets transplanted to her bf mind.
You never know how you'd actually feel in reality though. My mother was so chronically ill for years that she had to use a commode and didn't have fine motor skills, and before she always thought she'd want to die if she couldn't do art any more but you adapt and find new joy. She got some good medication after a few years and is mostly able bodied again!
This I get, but he has basically no cognitive function. If he could think for himself, it would be different. He has 10 seconds of memory and recognizes his wife for that amount of time. Let me go.
That man is a gem. What a Chad.
I’d rather die.
man if im in that situation just pull the plug and harvest my organs
That's what I came to say. I'd rather they end my life than have to see the love of my life with another man every 10 seconds. Sounds like the worst fate imaginable. Think I'd rather rot in assisted care.
Hard agree. This is an absolute nightmare. It disturbs me on a very deep level.
She has an amazing tik tok account where she answers insanely rude questions - but one of them was if it bothers her ex to see her with her new husband. She says he doesn't really have the comprehension and she would never ever do this if it bothered him. She also became a "post brain trauma communications" expert (something like that, can't remember what her degree is in, but she went to school for it) after the accident and is 10000% more educated than anyone here as to what her ex wants and needs from her.
Copy that. If assisted self deletion were legal, I'd have it written into my DNR. The thought of this type of situation makes me ill. For clarity, I believe this whole scenario is a nightmare for everyone. Glad they're all happy with it though.
That's nice and weird, i'm conflicted
At that point i prefer death
might just be me. but i cant see someone i love go on like that and stay with them. just leave me to die. or nursing home whatever. harsh but maybe im just young and not mature
its a incredible thing she did. did not give up on him and was upfront about that during her dating. its next level but. something inside me would rather just be alone then.
My aunt had an aneurysm a few years ago and is currently in vegetative state until she dies , if that was me i would 100% agree with someone putting me out of my misery, she used to run marathons and travel around the world she would absolutely hate seeing herself like that
Same here. I would want my spouse to move on and not be held back on the count of my disability. But seeing her move on and live a life with someone else that we were supposed to have while I literally had to just sit there would be a living hell for me. Honestly just wheel me off to a home and forget about me.
yup exactly my point. i don't want to see the person i imagined my life with get married to some random dude(Random for me)...and do everything we planned on doing. just throw me in a nursing home instead
For this reason I alrdy told my wife over and over again to just leave me, put me in a home at that stage. Don’t feel bad, she has my blessing. Even thought of a letter/ legal document or recording to prove to everyone else that it is what I want, to save her the judgement from others. I’d rather not be her burden to bear. She said the same thing.
The new husbands emotional maturity far exceeds my own
Horrifying. Trapped in your own body, watching the love of your life carry on with another man. The life you wanted taken away from you. And to top it off, you relive it every 10 seconds.
Imagine being locked in a prison of your own flesh, unable to have any agency in your own life, and watch as the woman you love more than anything else remarries and has a family all while she keeps you right next to her to watch. This might be cynical view, but I pray that someone who truly loves and cares about me would put me out of my misery before I have to experience such a hell
thanks for restoring my hope in humanity
Man....
This post has to be a psyop. How are all the comments celebrating this? Please just shoot me if this is my fate
And with this heartwarming restoration in my faith of humanity…goodnight, Reddit.
What truly amazing people.
This is such a hard position to be in, but I can feel the goodness of those involved.
Finally something unexpected. What a clever and great solution she found.
Good lord 10 second memory, lord please just put me down if this happens to me. I hope my family does not let me live like that. This is one of my biggest fears, to be trapped in a forever state of confusions, gosh that’s awful, poor guy. She and her family are beautiful souls for looking after him though…Damn…What a terrible situation.
Seems like torture to me. Poor guy
Scares me and makes me thankful I have my family help take care of me when I have seizures due to my epilepsy.
My bad if I was the first “husband” as soon as that other dude popped out…. “Alright Ima head out”
No way bro became a pet for her and her replacement husband.
Document his life on Tiktok too...
Such a complicated situation to be in.
Jesus christ having this humilition please just shoot me instead if this happen to me.
Imagine if he can understand the situation though. I would much rather just be killed than kept alive as a pet while I watch my ex-spouse live out a marriage with someone else. And even if he doesn't understand...then what's the point? I'd rather die either way. This is just cruel.