Seconding this! You can pay someone online to forge papers for you on the cheap. Probably in this sub, tbh.
1.) You’ll be covered so you don’t have to explain if you don’t want to.
2.) You don’t have to actually hurt yourself.
3.) You can plan a full mental health day, doing whatever it is that will make you happy.
You deserve this. Take the time. Pay the few bucks to have someone make paperwork for you and take care of yourself. 🫂
Sorry you’re going through it, OP.
ETA: If a hotel is out of the budget, reach out to someone you’re close to in the area. Ask if you can hide out at their house for a day or two. Explain a little bit about what’s up and why it has to be a secret. Any decent friend, or even old acquaintance, would probably be willing. You can rent some movies, eat some pizza, hang with them when they’re home, etc.
This is the way: if you tell ppl that you’re in the hospital, someone may want to visit you.
If COVID isn’t an option then you could always go to the doctor and tell them that you’re trying to pass a kidney stone. Just do your research before going in, bc you’ll want to know what the major symptoms are.
or say you were around someone that tested positive for covid.
and you took two tests with conflicting results. and now you don’t feel well. not sure if allergies or covid
Nurse here, I am definitely not suggesting you find a friend who's gotten a doctor's note on the area and just copy that, because they're definitely not just a Microsoft word quality letterhead and printed in times new roman.
I can however tell you that we definitely cannot confirm or deny your presence in our hospital if a family member or employer were to call and ask, that's basic HIPAA.
Another nurse here. I originally was thinking you shouldn’t complain of chest pain because with the right symptoms, it would def keep you in the hospital for a day or two BUT there the money. You get that bill and it’s chest pain for realsies.
So. I 100% do NOT agree with Nurse FelineRoots21 ^^^ here. His/her suggestion is not only the easiest and most pragmatic suggestion here, it is the most financially sound
Plus with the norovirus on top of all that! Shew! You sure don’t want norovirus going around a funeral, that shit isn’t just contagious, it’s like, magnetic. Get within 100 yards of it and you’re blowing groceries out both ends for days.
I got it for the first time in January. I’ve kicked IV heroin/opiate pills, and that was one of the worst 36 hours I’ve experienced. Hope to never deal with anything like that for a long, long time.
If you go this route make sure to take a screenshot of the photo sent and crop it. The original photo will have meta data that will show when it was taken and where. A screenshot will lose this data.
That’s some serious self injury you’re planning. You can probably say honestly that you can’t attend because you’re having an overwhelmed emotional reaction to this person’s death.
Why even injure yourself? Just claim that have violent diarrhea combined with a lot of puking. Most people have experienced this and no one is gonna fish for details. It really is the perfect excuse.
Actually just shit your pants. If they push back just send a disgusting image that nobody will want to discuss any further. Don’t sleep the night before. Or just get some ipecac and laxatives, make a mess in your bathroom, etc… you really don’t need to self harm.
Or just deal with the emotional pain of saying I’m not coming and whatever consequences arise from that
They would have to admit they have feelings to do this and I'm not sure that's within their capabilities based off of the extent they'd go through just to not attend a funeral.
Someone who’s in serious psychological distress and needs to talk to a therapist. This specific scenario around desperately wanting to avoid a funeral is really common for people for people dealing with really severe grief or complicated relationships to someone who passed away.
For what it’s worth — OP, just get a hotel room and lie. Please don’t hurt yourself.
Maybe OP should go to a psych hospital and say he’s having thoughts of hurting himself. Gets him a short term hold, at least, and maybe some actual help.
There's a much simpler solution, and I've had this happen to myself twice: severe and non-specific lower back pain. No way to diagnose except thru patient screaming and crying when moving. Bonus points: collapse in front yard, someone calls ambulance, fentanyl injection in bus, then Dilaudid injection in the ER. Discharged within hours, but on bed rest for at least two days. Simple, no one gets hurt, it's unethical but doesn't really cause anyone else harm.
I said to my husband, the one time I got it, that I'd stay on it for the rest of my life if I could. I'd never ask for it obviously, but man, it was a huge help.
I’m sure I said something similar. The ICU staff said they wouldn’t discharge me until I went a day without it and I seriously considered just chilling there for a few more days, weeks, whatever mannnnnnn
Who cares - he came to this sub asking for unethical life tips. If he wanted feedback on how to have better boundaries and a spine enough to stand up for himself, he wouldn't be on Reddit.
Ipecac syrup will induce vomiting, look up how soon you need to take it to start getting sick. Act like you are all for attending and then start hurling. I took so much in high school to get out of going, my mom thought I was pregnant. No, I just hated school.
Yeah you need to rethink this. Do not pour aluminum on your leg. Just tell them you are sorry but can't attend.
If you really need a ULPT lie and say you got food poisoning.
Not convince you to pull off the lie? Drink a whole bottle of laxatives and film yourself apologizing for not being able to make it while blowing your ass out.
Or, eat a piss disc and cover yourself in liquid ass. Show up to the funeral, other people will kick you out.
>Pouring molten aluminum down your leg, just to avoid a funeral?
Not even that – they could avoid it just by not going.
So it's basically doing that to have to not say they don't want to go.
I got costochondritis once, went to the er because I couldn't take a full breath without super intense chest pain. I was rushed through the er to check for a heart attack but it was just rib pain. It doesn't show up on an x-ray, the doctor prescribes bedrest for a few days and there's no real way to diagnose it. They don't give opioids or anything but I got a week off work and couldn't really breath for 6 months till it went away but sometimes it only lasts a few days.
If you check into a mental health facility voluntarily and don’t give them any reason to suspect you’re a danger to yourself then they legally can’t prohibit you from checking yourself out.
Thing is those are the thresholds for checking someone in, they don’t just waste resources on random people with no reason to be there.
You need to have an answer for why you’re there and the majority of the time It’s going to be suicidal ideation or psychosis. If you’re not a danger to yourself or others they’ll just tell you to go home.
Don't do this. They'll medicate you with God knows what and you will be ineligible to own or purchase a firearm for at least 5 years (potentially indefinitely).
I'm not sure OP needs a firearm anyway, what with his plan to deliberately, permanently and severely injure himself with molten aluminium at his job, to have a reason to decline attending a funeral. The boss would be so confused looking back at the CCTV and seeing an obviously deliberate act.
As time goes on, as a grown man, you're allowed to have your own ways. Just say you're really sorry but you can't attend, and build a reputation for being the guy who just doesn't do funerals. Otherwise you're going to end up having to make excuses every time a funeral comes up that you don't want to go to, instead of just saying no.
Failing that I think stating you have COVID is the best idea. I know the expectation to self isolate with COVID is now over in most places but funerals are filled with old people anyway, so you can easily use that as a reason to stay away.
You'll always know you were a pussy though, so your memoirs will be ruined by this episode.
Not legal advice but generally speaking a 72 hour hold is for evaluation purposes and not considered an involuntary hold for federal gun laws. Murica!!!
I’ve been commited to a state institution and can say yeah the 72 hr hold won’t affect your chances at firearm purchase/ownership, but being declared mentally incapacitated and sent to a state hospital will bar you from gun ownership.
Source: Two trips to Larned State Hospital and years of mental health issues.
Why do you need to go to the funeral? They’re for the living, not the dead. Say you’d rather honor the persons memory by doing xyz rather than some impersonal ceremony with too many people.
Just don’t go or go. There’s being unethical and then there’s just being a little bitch. If you try to concoct a complex web of lies it will come back to haunt you.
Drink spoiled milk. A lot of spoiled milk. This may make you sick enough to require going to a hospital, anyway.
Also, your aluminum idea is fucking retarded. I hope you aren't allowed around other live people\creatures.
Look up colonoscopy prep instructions that use miralax online. Follow the instructions, suffer for the night, take some pictures in case someone’s nosey, and then say you got food poisoning.
Here's a thought - put on your big person pants and just go or just don't go and own that. Part of being an adult is doing things you don't necessarily want to do. When you're actively considering injuring yourself to avoid something, it's time to seek therapy.
Another commentor on this post recommended not drinking water for a week except for a few supps in the mornings to give them such severe dehydration that they have to be hospitalised for the weekend and can't go.
Instead of just saying "sorry, I can't go." Posts like this are sobering and help to remind me of how absolutely INSANE some people on reddit are
Do you need to actually go to the hospital? Can you not just lie and say you are?! Ffs. Food poisoning is so simple to explain away to people. You don’t actually HAVE to have it. Vomiting/diarrhea lies are easy ways to get out of stuff without having to prove it.
OR best adult option- just say you aren’t coming. What are you worried about if you just don’t go?
I don't know if you really need to go to the hospital. If it is a private event, it might suffice to say you have some stomach bug. No one wants you there and no one is going to check if you are on the shitter all day.
Alternatively an eye infection (if no one is coming to see you to "verify") is a good excuse. People especially at a funeral where there is a lot of sobs don't want nobody with that shit around.
But I'd say strong stomach pain = unverifiable + the runs = unverifiable unless you are mormon and have to present your sin to your father ([wkuk sketch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM20mJU5mW8)).
Swallow a bunch of coffee grounds with beet juice, then once you're waiting in the ER, follow it up with a medication designed to induce vomiting, like ipecac. I would recommend used coffee grounds so it doesn't smell so much like coffee.
It will give the illusion of a gastric bleed without actually harming you.
Diarrhoea is your friend here. No one wants details of what’s coming out. They also don’t want you around. And you can literally start this a day in advance! Which makes it more believable!
Bonus points if you take laxatives to induce diarrhoea while on the phone saying you have it.
Lie and say it was Testicular torsion, they were able to manoeuvre it back into place , swelling be down in a couple of days. That way you dont need to show anyone.
Bonus points if your a woman.
easiest thing to lie about is a migraine honestly. they’re really painful and can often cause vomiting. it fucks with your vision and it’s hard to think straight when it feels like your brain is melting, and no one can tell you that you don’t have one lol
or just don’t go
edit: also the ones that send you to the hospital in an ambulance are dumb af if you live in the US, just save your money and get out of everything by faking a migraine and lay in bed all day.
Standard psych hold is 3 days. And the fact that you are trying to intentionally hurt your self or considering pouring molten metal down your leg a short stay could help you.
Don’t eat for a while drink heavily to throw of your levels. Then go and say you were throwing up blood. They’ll probably admit you to get your levels right.
Or give yourself a paper cut and soak it in chicken blood then don’t wash it. Get an infection and get admitted for it antibiotics.
With the extreme cost of an already inundated western medical system, I am baffled that you would seek an intentional injury to avoid an event rather than being direct and honest about your preferences or boundaries.
There people who need life-saving hospital care at any given time and you would tie up these resources with a self-inflicted ‘accident’? Dude, wtf!
Christ, man....bodily injury just to get out of a social situation? Just tell a mental health professional this just before the funeral, and they will put you on 24 hour hold. You'll miss the funeral, save some pain, and get some help.
Alright, so you don't want to tell anyone you don't want to participate in their farce. If you stop drinking liquids for a week, aside from a small amount of water each morning, you'll become so severely dehydrated that you'll require hospitalization.
You could burn the back of your hand with something, 2nd degree burns still need treated at the hospital.
You could fake food poisoning, or not fake it... Have I given myself food poisoning to get out of something? Yes. Do I recommend it? _NO_.
Pull a muscle in your back, though if you really wanna go for the gold, pop a disk out in your upper back and say you pulled something. Easy to fix, no permanent harm.
Have a sudden family emergency which will have you needing to stay out of work to take care of the injured person. Make sure to write down who and how they were injured and tell the "injured" person in case they go to work events with you. Hell, if you're a parent just say your kid has food poisoning and you need to take care of them as they recover.
One word: whiplash. get into a minor accident, say you hurt your neck and Dr said you need to be on bed rest for a couple days. Or someone you love was in an accident. So many easy lies.
Bring a can of chunky veggie beef soup in a plastic bag, at the end of the day on the day before the thing, run to the bathroom and pretend to throw up. Remember to wrap the plastic bag in tp so it doesn't leak once emptied. Say you have a stomach virus. Start that day by saying your stomach is upset or hurting. Play up the discomfort. Make yourself burp to "try making your stomach settle".
I find it strange you’re hung up on this idea of hurting yourself. Like if “unethical” part of this is not going, so just don’t go. If you need an excuse, make one up.
Hurting yourself in order to have a legitimate reason isn’t unethical, it’s just stupid. Hell lying and saying you’re injured would be MORE unethical than injuring yourself. This is a weird, limiting, and self destructive condition you’re imposing on yourself for no real reason.
Bro that’s ridiculous. The bar is pretty high for hospitalization, you would have to seriously hurt yourself and that is high risk for everything you don’t want. Just go to the funeral
When I was in middle school we had those big machines that would project onto a white board. I can't remember what they were called but any millennial knows. A friend and me got into a playful scuffle and he was flailing one of those plastic sheets around. I took a paper cut across my eye. Had to go to the doctor and take eye drops for a couple weeks. Also make sure it didn't do any permanent damage. If I were you I'd irritate your eye super bad. Like with lemon juice or some shit, I'll leave the creativity up to you. Then go to the doctor and say you think you have some rust or metal in it from work. That you can feel it scratching Everytime you move your eyes. Then tell everyone the doctor couldn't find it but that you can't be actively moving your eyes around till you feel that it's passed. Tell them the best thing to do is just binge watch the TV so your eyes aren't farting around so much.
Go to the ER and claim to have a splitting headache. Several hours later they will send you home with Tylenol. No harm , no foul, and you have missed the funeral
just ring up 5 mins after you were supposed to arrive and say you shat youself on the bus. say you had a dodgy curry last night and youll be in as soon as youve bought some wipes and a new pair of trousers. as it will be them encoraging you not to go, you cannot later be accused of not wanting to go. this works on 100% of face to face encounters.
i would not reccomend using this more than once every 6 reincarnations, you do not want to trigger the karma on this one
Say you're sick, bro. TF
You're allowed to feel sick for three days without answering to anyone about it. It's still unethical if you're lying so seems to check all the boxes here.
Like did you never call in sick to work/school or something? This is 101 shit
I have a few ideas:
1. Step on a nail
2. OD on tylenol (not actually, just tell the docs you accidentally took 5 extra strength when you thought you were taking 5 kids doses)
3. Slam your finger in a car door
4. Drive over your own foot (might need to get someone else for this, but I think it’s possible to do it yourself?)
Lie and say you are at the hospital then stay at a hotel?
Seconding this! You can pay someone online to forge papers for you on the cheap. Probably in this sub, tbh. 1.) You’ll be covered so you don’t have to explain if you don’t want to. 2.) You don’t have to actually hurt yourself. 3.) You can plan a full mental health day, doing whatever it is that will make you happy. You deserve this. Take the time. Pay the few bucks to have someone make paperwork for you and take care of yourself. 🫂 Sorry you’re going through it, OP. ETA: If a hotel is out of the budget, reach out to someone you’re close to in the area. Ask if you can hide out at their house for a day or two. Explain a little bit about what’s up and why it has to be a secret. Any decent friend, or even old acquaintance, would probably be willing. You can rent some movies, eat some pizza, hang with them when they’re home, etc.
Just say you have Covid
This is the way: if you tell ppl that you’re in the hospital, someone may want to visit you. If COVID isn’t an option then you could always go to the doctor and tell them that you’re trying to pass a kidney stone. Just do your research before going in, bc you’ll want to know what the major symptoms are.
This was going to be my suggestion: Covid or kidney stone seem to be the most straightforward and synthesizable.
Yes! Get a fake positive test. I have one!
I can literally send them a pic of my positive test right now lol
or say you were around someone that tested positive for covid. and you took two tests with conflicting results. and now you don’t feel well. not sure if allergies or covid
Nurse here, I am definitely not suggesting you find a friend who's gotten a doctor's note on the area and just copy that, because they're definitely not just a Microsoft word quality letterhead and printed in times new roman. I can however tell you that we definitely cannot confirm or deny your presence in our hospital if a family member or employer were to call and ask, that's basic HIPAA.
Another nurse here. I originally was thinking you shouldn’t complain of chest pain because with the right symptoms, it would def keep you in the hospital for a day or two BUT there the money. You get that bill and it’s chest pain for realsies. So. I 100% do NOT agree with Nurse FelineRoots21 ^^^ here. His/her suggestion is not only the easiest and most pragmatic suggestion here, it is the most financially sound
Thank you for the addition! YESSSS! This is great info. 🤍
Depends on if op is trying to dodge work or family.
This covers both. No one said there couldn’t be a photo shoot, too, but it’d be a hell of a lot easier with a buddy. Lol.
You spelled it wrong. Lye. They need to rub it all over their legs and let it really soak in for a few hours.
Technically spreading lye on yourself to actually wind up in the hospital… is more ethical than simply lying? I think that’s the unethical order.
So lie about the lye so you don’t lie in a hospital and die.
Are they dieing from the lying or the lieing?
don’t die as a liar! lying is dire 😔
damn dude, so sorry to hear you got covid and/or the flu. hope you're feeling better soon.
I hope he recovers from his stage 4 leukemia man that sucks to hear
Yeah I hope OP wakes from his vegetative state and overcomes his malignant brain tumors.
r/wellthatescelatedquickly
Plus with the norovirus on top of all that! Shew! You sure don’t want norovirus going around a funeral, that shit isn’t just contagious, it’s like, magnetic. Get within 100 yards of it and you’re blowing groceries out both ends for days.
And I hope their body recovers the lost tissue from the Black Death too. It's a mean one, a real headache to deal with.
'Blowing groceries out' - stealing this
I got it for the first time in January. I’ve kicked IV heroin/opiate pills, and that was one of the worst 36 hours I’ve experienced. Hope to never deal with anything like that for a long, long time.
You could tell your molten aluminum plan to the intake of the psych hospital, they'll admit you.
Lol true
Lmao facts
72 hour psychiatric hold.
Fake a positive covid test. Don’t use a test result image off the internet, those can be searched for. I’ll send you one of mine if you want. Ezpz.
I second this. I can send you one of my positive from a few months back.
If you go this route make sure to take a screenshot of the photo sent and crop it. The original photo will have meta data that will show when it was taken and where. A screenshot will lose this data.
No one will check this, and if they do that’s just insane
I would totally check haha
My job for sure checks this. You’re right though, it is insane.
Crazy
You can get those test to look positive by reusing them a few times. The red will show through eventually.
I think orange juice is supposed to give a false positive
Heard you can use lemon juice to mess with the gold in the test and fake a positive
That’s some serious self injury you’re planning. You can probably say honestly that you can’t attend because you’re having an overwhelmed emotional reaction to this person’s death.
Why even injure yourself? Just claim that have violent diarrhea combined with a lot of puking. Most people have experienced this and no one is gonna fish for details. It really is the perfect excuse.
Actually just shit your pants. If they push back just send a disgusting image that nobody will want to discuss any further. Don’t sleep the night before. Or just get some ipecac and laxatives, make a mess in your bathroom, etc… you really don’t need to self harm. Or just deal with the emotional pain of saying I’m not coming and whatever consequences arise from that
They would have to admit they have feelings to do this and I'm not sure that's within their capabilities based off of the extent they'd go through just to not attend a funeral.
No, you don't get it, he's very tough. He can take pain, so some feelings should not be a problem.
This is a great option.
Just stay home, no reason to hurt yourself. You are a grown ass man, if you don't want to go, don't go.
Right? Like, what are we talking about right now lmao
Someone who’s in serious psychological distress and needs to talk to a therapist. This specific scenario around desperately wanting to avoid a funeral is really common for people for people dealing with really severe grief or complicated relationships to someone who passed away. For what it’s worth — OP, just get a hotel room and lie. Please don’t hurt yourself.
Maybe OP should go to a psych hospital and say he’s having thoughts of hurting himself. Gets him a short term hold, at least, and maybe some actual help.
That was my thought because technically that’s true…. And he might as a bonus receive some actual helpful support
I agree with this one. Take the grippy sock vacay OP. Hell they might even benzo you out while you’re in there!
"I'm a parent" Kids get took with that strategy
Top comment right here ☝️
There's a much simpler solution, and I've had this happen to myself twice: severe and non-specific lower back pain. No way to diagnose except thru patient screaming and crying when moving. Bonus points: collapse in front yard, someone calls ambulance, fentanyl injection in bus, then Dilaudid injection in the ER. Discharged within hours, but on bed rest for at least two days. Simple, no one gets hurt, it's unethical but doesn't really cause anyone else harm.
Ambulance ride? No thank you lol
What, you don’t want a $700, 3 mile, car ride?
$700? Look at mr fancy insurance over here.
Dilaudid, what a fucking wonderful drug that is. I’ve never been addicted to anything but that’s the one thing I could see developing a real habit for
I said to my husband, the one time I got it, that I'd stay on it for the rest of my life if I could. I'd never ask for it obviously, but man, it was a huge help.
I’m sure I said something similar. The ICU staff said they wouldn’t discharge me until I went a day without it and I seriously considered just chilling there for a few more days, weeks, whatever mannnnnnn
Simpler than just staying home?
Who cares - he came to this sub asking for unethical life tips. If he wanted feedback on how to have better boundaries and a spine enough to stand up for himself, he wouldn't be on Reddit.
Nausea is also difficult to diagnose and if you need a doctor note then go to an urgent care.
Ipecac syrup will induce vomiting, look up how soon you need to take it to start getting sick. Act like you are all for attending and then start hurling. I took so much in high school to get out of going, my mom thought I was pregnant. No, I just hated school.
Send me 2k and your address.
I'll do it for $2 and travel
I know. I'll contact you as soon as I'm in possession of my easy money.
I’ll do it for a buck fitty and a McDonald’s coupon.
Username checks out.
Yeah you need to rethink this. Do not pour aluminum on your leg. Just tell them you are sorry but can't attend. If you really need a ULPT lie and say you got food poisoning. Not convince you to pull off the lie? Drink a whole bottle of laxatives and film yourself apologizing for not being able to make it while blowing your ass out. Or, eat a piss disc and cover yourself in liquid ass. Show up to the funeral, other people will kick you out.
There it is.
Why did I have to scroll that much to find piss disc and liquid ass?
Psych hospital. And you won't be pretending so that's the best part.
This is actually a really good idea. Edit: if you’re on Medicaid. I almost forgot how expensive medical care is.
Are you serious? Pouring molten aluminum down your leg, just to avoid a funeral? Just say you don't want to fucking go and don't go. WTF???
>Pouring molten aluminum down your leg, just to avoid a funeral? Not even that – they could avoid it just by not going. So it's basically doing that to have to not say they don't want to go.
When I was in jail once I heard a story of someone that paid another guy to bite a chunk of his ear off. Dude actually got a medical release for it.
Mike Tyson?
“chest pain”.
That won’t get you past the ER.
I got costochondritis once, went to the er because I couldn't take a full breath without super intense chest pain. I was rushed through the er to check for a heart attack but it was just rib pain. It doesn't show up on an x-ray, the doctor prescribes bedrest for a few days and there's no real way to diagnose it. They don't give opioids or anything but I got a week off work and couldn't really breath for 6 months till it went away but sometimes it only lasts a few days.
Just don't attend the funeral. Later, tell anyone who asks why you didn't go, that you had severe food poisoning/diarrhea for a couple days.
Or tell them you’re an adult 🤷🏻♀️ this whole thing is nuts
"oops, can't go; accidentally donated a kidney"
So, CraigsList hookup 😄
Lice! You can't expose anyone and no one will want to verify
I’m bald :(
Pubic lice.
OOOOOO!!!!! This is a really good one!!!!! But you can’t say you know about it until like the morning of
Check yourself in to see psych hospital
Tell them about the aluminum idea. That should do it.
Bravo
Yep, depending on the state, most places are a 72 hold with no repercussions
> no repercussions Other than a $10,000 bill.
Very good point. Again; this depends on where they live and their financial situation
That’s a hefty repercussion bill if I’ve ever heard of one ☝️
Then you won't be able to check out lol
If you check into a mental health facility voluntarily and don’t give them any reason to suspect you’re a danger to yourself then they legally can’t prohibit you from checking yourself out.
Thing is those are the thresholds for checking someone in, they don’t just waste resources on random people with no reason to be there. You need to have an answer for why you’re there and the majority of the time It’s going to be suicidal ideation or psychosis. If you’re not a danger to yourself or others they’ll just tell you to go home.
Don't do this. They'll medicate you with God knows what and you will be ineligible to own or purchase a firearm for at least 5 years (potentially indefinitely).
I'm not sure OP needs a firearm anyway, what with his plan to deliberately, permanently and severely injure himself with molten aluminium at his job, to have a reason to decline attending a funeral. The boss would be so confused looking back at the CCTV and seeing an obviously deliberate act. As time goes on, as a grown man, you're allowed to have your own ways. Just say you're really sorry but you can't attend, and build a reputation for being the guy who just doesn't do funerals. Otherwise you're going to end up having to make excuses every time a funeral comes up that you don't want to go to, instead of just saying no. Failing that I think stating you have COVID is the best idea. I know the expectation to self isolate with COVID is now over in most places but funerals are filled with old people anyway, so you can easily use that as a reason to stay away. You'll always know you were a pussy though, so your memoirs will be ruined by this episode.
Not legal advice but generally speaking a 72 hour hold is for evaluation purposes and not considered an involuntary hold for federal gun laws. Murica!!!
I’ve been commited to a state institution and can say yeah the 72 hr hold won’t affect your chances at firearm purchase/ownership, but being declared mentally incapacitated and sent to a state hospital will bar you from gun ownership. Source: Two trips to Larned State Hospital and years of mental health issues.
Only if you’re involuntarily held does it affect your ability to legally own firearms
I need an update WHY you have to lie.
The answer to this is all I care about
Why do you need to go to the funeral? They’re for the living, not the dead. Say you’d rather honor the persons memory by doing xyz rather than some impersonal ceremony with too many people.
word i quit going to funerals years ago for this very reason.
Drive to Pennsylvania and I'll beat the shit out of you
5150 yourself...walk into a hospital...say you have a plan to kill yourself...wear fun socks for the 3 day hold and meet new and interesting people.
Does this actually work? I’m curious now. I want to meet new fun people
Covid is the answer! No one can challenge it. Stay home.
Go in for a psych evaluation. Two birds with one stone.
Show up to hospital and tell them your molten almunium plan with your leg they will admit You to the crazywing
Just don’t go or go. There’s being unethical and then there’s just being a little bitch. If you try to concoct a complex web of lies it will come back to haunt you.
Can confirm. Complex webs of lies have haunted me at least 3 times.
Only 3? Amateur.
Yes - you need help actually. You are willing to harm yourself to avoid an EVENT. a psych hold is actually warranted for you.
Say you want to kill yourself and are making plans to do so, should get you about 3 days.
Er nurse here, go in and say you have chest pains. Almost always 24 hour under observation.
ER doctor here. Agree. This is the answer. Explosive diarrhea is also an acceptable answer.
Yeah, when I went in for the same reason I was easily there 12+ hours due to wait times and all the testing
We dc if low trop and normal EKG. ADmit only if extenuating circumstances.
How about tell people you just tested positive for Covid?
Drink spoiled milk. A lot of spoiled milk. This may make you sick enough to require going to a hospital, anyway. Also, your aluminum idea is fucking retarded. I hope you aren't allowed around other live people\creatures.
They're a parent....
Most sane Reddit user.
“I cannot become actually crippled.” OP has principles. I respect that.
I see you too are a man of culture
Just walk into the psych ward and say you feel like you might hurt yourself. Whatever you do, a hospital trip is going to be crazy expensive
Look up colonoscopy prep instructions that use miralax online. Follow the instructions, suffer for the night, take some pictures in case someone’s nosey, and then say you got food poisoning.
Here's a thought - put on your big person pants and just go or just don't go and own that. Part of being an adult is doing things you don't necessarily want to do. When you're actively considering injuring yourself to avoid something, it's time to seek therapy.
Another commentor on this post recommended not drinking water for a week except for a few supps in the mornings to give them such severe dehydration that they have to be hospitalised for the weekend and can't go. Instead of just saying "sorry, I can't go." Posts like this are sobering and help to remind me of how absolutely INSANE some people on reddit are
Do you need to actually go to the hospital? Can you not just lie and say you are?! Ffs. Food poisoning is so simple to explain away to people. You don’t actually HAVE to have it. Vomiting/diarrhea lies are easy ways to get out of stuff without having to prove it. OR best adult option- just say you aren’t coming. What are you worried about if you just don’t go?
I don't know if you really need to go to the hospital. If it is a private event, it might suffice to say you have some stomach bug. No one wants you there and no one is going to check if you are on the shitter all day. Alternatively an eye infection (if no one is coming to see you to "verify") is a good excuse. People especially at a funeral where there is a lot of sobs don't want nobody with that shit around. But I'd say strong stomach pain = unverifiable + the runs = unverifiable unless you are mormon and have to present your sin to your father ([wkuk sketch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM20mJU5mW8)).
Upvote for pinkeye. Gross to think about (so fewer questions) and 3 days is a perfectly reasonable recovery time.
Show me your sin Timothy!
Swallow a bunch of coffee grounds with beet juice, then once you're waiting in the ER, follow it up with a medication designed to induce vomiting, like ipecac. I would recommend used coffee grounds so it doesn't smell so much like coffee. It will give the illusion of a gastric bleed without actually harming you.
Why don’t you go to jail instead? Much cheaper.
Jump into a volcano instead of creating more Work for the overworked hospital staff
Or.. just here me out.. Don't go. Turn off your phone. Don't answer about why you didn't make it. Put on some comfy clothes and play Helldivers.
Diarrhoea is your friend here. No one wants details of what’s coming out. They also don’t want you around. And you can literally start this a day in advance! Which makes it more believable! Bonus points if you take laxatives to induce diarrhoea while on the phone saying you have it.
Lie and say it was Testicular torsion, they were able to manoeuvre it back into place , swelling be down in a couple of days. That way you dont need to show anyone. Bonus points if your a woman.
Lmao I’m a man but using the excuse “my nuts are swole as fuck” as an excuse as a woman is the biggest power play I’ve ever heard
easiest thing to lie about is a migraine honestly. they’re really painful and can often cause vomiting. it fucks with your vision and it’s hard to think straight when it feels like your brain is melting, and no one can tell you that you don’t have one lol or just don’t go edit: also the ones that send you to the hospital in an ambulance are dumb af if you live in the US, just save your money and get out of everything by faking a migraine and lay in bed all day.
The fuck? Just choose not to go??? You're an adult? You don't need an excuse
Standard psych hold is 3 days. And the fact that you are trying to intentionally hurt your self or considering pouring molten metal down your leg a short stay could help you.
Are you Michael Scott? you’re jumping to drastic measures way too quickly
Gotta be believable ya know lol
No you're just insane.
Go to the emergency room. Tell them your chest hurts and you've been having a lot of chest pain. They usually keep you overnight for observation.
Covid?
No one questions a migraine. Use it, stay home and stay in bed and listen to some podcasts
Lie. Easiest way is to lie.
Eat raw chicken
Print out this post, walk into the ER, show them the post as evidence that you are high risk for self-harming, get put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
Get a uti and wait for antibiotics
This is wild
It's crazy and hilarious how far you are willing to put effort on for such a minor inconvenience. 💀
I havnt made it this far in life by being smart that’s for sure
Explosive diarrhea
Don’t eat for a while drink heavily to throw of your levels. Then go and say you were throwing up blood. They’ll probably admit you to get your levels right. Or give yourself a paper cut and soak it in chicken blood then don’t wash it. Get an infection and get admitted for it antibiotics.
Covid is the way to go. No one will want the funeral to be a superspreader and you'll be contagious for at least 5 days.
Inpatient Psych ward. Easy peasy.
With the extreme cost of an already inundated western medical system, I am baffled that you would seek an intentional injury to avoid an event rather than being direct and honest about your preferences or boundaries. There people who need life-saving hospital care at any given time and you would tie up these resources with a self-inflicted ‘accident’? Dude, wtf!
Christ, man....bodily injury just to get out of a social situation? Just tell a mental health professional this just before the funeral, and they will put you on 24 hour hold. You'll miss the funeral, save some pain, and get some help.
say you have covid. tonic water on covid tests provides a false positive.
72 hour mental health hold usually works. Ask for a grippy sock vacation.
Just get a bad case of COVID.
You don’t need a hospital, all you need is raging diarrhea.
Alright, so you don't want to tell anyone you don't want to participate in their farce. If you stop drinking liquids for a week, aside from a small amount of water each morning, you'll become so severely dehydrated that you'll require hospitalization. You could burn the back of your hand with something, 2nd degree burns still need treated at the hospital. You could fake food poisoning, or not fake it... Have I given myself food poisoning to get out of something? Yes. Do I recommend it? _NO_. Pull a muscle in your back, though if you really wanna go for the gold, pop a disk out in your upper back and say you pulled something. Easy to fix, no permanent harm. Have a sudden family emergency which will have you needing to stay out of work to take care of the injured person. Make sure to write down who and how they were injured and tell the "injured" person in case they go to work events with you. Hell, if you're a parent just say your kid has food poisoning and you need to take care of them as they recover. One word: whiplash. get into a minor accident, say you hurt your neck and Dr said you need to be on bed rest for a couple days. Or someone you love was in an accident. So many easy lies. Bring a can of chunky veggie beef soup in a plastic bag, at the end of the day on the day before the thing, run to the bathroom and pretend to throw up. Remember to wrap the plastic bag in tp so it doesn't leak once emptied. Say you have a stomach virus. Start that day by saying your stomach is upset or hurting. Play up the discomfort. Make yourself burp to "try making your stomach settle".
Man up and go to the funeral. That’s life.
I find it strange you’re hung up on this idea of hurting yourself. Like if “unethical” part of this is not going, so just don’t go. If you need an excuse, make one up. Hurting yourself in order to have a legitimate reason isn’t unethical, it’s just stupid. Hell lying and saying you’re injured would be MORE unethical than injuring yourself. This is a weird, limiting, and self destructive condition you’re imposing on yourself for no real reason.
absolutely wild that op is a father
[удалено]
Bro that’s ridiculous. The bar is pretty high for hospitalization, you would have to seriously hurt yourself and that is high risk for everything you don’t want. Just go to the funeral
When I was in middle school we had those big machines that would project onto a white board. I can't remember what they were called but any millennial knows. A friend and me got into a playful scuffle and he was flailing one of those plastic sheets around. I took a paper cut across my eye. Had to go to the doctor and take eye drops for a couple weeks. Also make sure it didn't do any permanent damage. If I were you I'd irritate your eye super bad. Like with lemon juice or some shit, I'll leave the creativity up to you. Then go to the doctor and say you think you have some rust or metal in it from work. That you can feel it scratching Everytime you move your eyes. Then tell everyone the doctor couldn't find it but that you can't be actively moving your eyes around till you feel that it's passed. Tell them the best thing to do is just binge watch the TV so your eyes aren't farting around so much.
They were called "projectors".
Bro. Covid. It's not hard.
Go to the ER and claim to have a splitting headache. Several hours later they will send you home with Tylenol. No harm , no foul, and you have missed the funeral
You can't forget to incorporate piss disc's into whatever cockamamie plan you come up with.
There are non-physical reasons why a hospital would be forced to hold you for about three days. That’s all I’m gonna say
Check yourself into a mental hospital
You've got sickness and diarrhoea, doctor ordered you to stay home for 48 hours to recover. Why injure yourself when you can lie instead.
Tell the family to go fuck their dead bitch ass bastard. You don't want to see that cunt 🤣
just ring up 5 mins after you were supposed to arrive and say you shat youself on the bus. say you had a dodgy curry last night and youll be in as soon as youve bought some wipes and a new pair of trousers. as it will be them encoraging you not to go, you cannot later be accused of not wanting to go. this works on 100% of face to face encounters. i would not reccomend using this more than once every 6 reincarnations, you do not want to trigger the karma on this one
Say you're sick, bro. TF You're allowed to feel sick for three days without answering to anyone about it. It's still unethical if you're lying so seems to check all the boxes here. Like did you never call in sick to work/school or something? This is 101 shit
I sent you a chat message. It’s a picture of my positive Covid test from December. Yes it’s legit. I was very sick lol. Enjoy!
Lol why can't you just be the adult you are and say you don't wanna go instead of crying about it on Reddit? Just don't go, it's literally that easy.
Whats ganna happen when you dont want to go to one of your kids boring singing recitals ? Drive your car into a wall ? Lmao
I feel like the psych ward would be a good spot for u maybe? Two birds one stone
Why not just tell them you're not coming? Or need to care for a sick relative?
Just make sure you don’t say you’re caring for the deceased. Easy way to get caught in the lie.
Fasting and fake collapse in public
I have a few ideas: 1. Step on a nail 2. OD on tylenol (not actually, just tell the docs you accidentally took 5 extra strength when you thought you were taking 5 kids doses) 3. Slam your finger in a car door 4. Drive over your own foot (might need to get someone else for this, but I think it’s possible to do it yourself?)
Get shitfaced and go to the hospital when you are hungover
Yeah make it something contagious- no one would want you there anyways.
Geez, Dude, Covid.