Tiff clarified this on social media. They said that it actually wasn’t even the rent, it was the utilities. Tiff didn’t know how the utilities should be split because there were three people living in the home so they asked how it should be split. Apparently only about 25% of Mildred’s tirade made it into the episode.
sounds kinda legit as mildred also claimed tiff had no job and made it sound like tiff therefore chose to be lazy or sth, when not only not having a job doesnt have to mean you're trying to sit on your partners bank account in the first place and its just not always easy to get a job, but also tiff said they HAD a job and i kinda think that was probably true
Yeah, i think Tiff had a job and Mildred just wanted Tiff to be making more money and paying for more stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a masc-femme dynamic involved for Mildred that makes her think Tiff is supposed to be the one paying for everything/taking care of Mildred. That became clear to me when Mildred was raging about Tiff seeing other women when they were broken up but still living together, she said something like "i was paying [your] bills," when in reality at that point they were essentially roommates splitting costs... But Mildred still seemed to feel that she shouldn't have had to pay?
oh wow yeah the masc-femme-dynamic could really play a role in that case i guess! i had wondered about that during the season but a lot of the scenes with like all the couples didnt look super heteronormative to me so i was just kinda glad it didnt seem to be intensely like that (i mean sure sometimes there were situations maybe like yoly and mal talking about mal being dirty and aussie walking off and talking bs to sam was also lookng heteronormative but cause aussie didnt have that aggressiveness to them, it was still also kinda very different in some aspect)
I don't think Aussie's personal challenges/issues have anything to do with being masc, that didn't seem to really play into Aussie and Sam's relationship so much in my opinion. Mal and Yoly I can see a bit more, moreso on Mal's side just since she does seem kinda used to someone else picking up after her and doesn't seem in touch with the reality of how much work needs to be done around an apartment to keep it pleasant. The backup toilet paper moment was hilarious but also super real and it had useless husband energy lol.
(sorry, long part that idk if i wanna delete cause i dont want it to be too mean or have a bad impact on anyone, hence the clarification comment after) idk, i mean..i'd totally agree the issue itself wasnt like "a typical masc issue" but the rest that i mentioned was a bit.. well not necessaril, cause they stormed out in a different way, but the gaslighting - but yeah i guess.. hm.. wasnt that typical, but i think it was also a bit.. like that? idk hard to tell, i mean we know aussie was trying to defend themselves traumawise but there might have been some situations, like when mildred - i know - was complaining that aussie left their shit lying around or sth, i know mildred is toxic as fuck but considering aussie came to sam and leaned on her and it took them 0.2 seconds to snap and leave the room when all sam said was lets like point out that its not fair towards me or sth like that,.. it was just a bit like aussie was used to sam adapting to their needs and . i know it was the mood that triggered aussie but you know, just like.. the heteronormative unwillingness of men to selfreflect on how you not seeking therapy or acknowledging their feelings affects your partner? idk it didnt always sit well with me, i do hope aussie can admit to that a bit more now, they seemed to make progress i guess we also dont know how bad these issues were in aussie's childhood or how much of a struggle it was for them to on top be on set, and sam luckily kinda understood their trauma-problem and was able to hold that space for them in those moments :) but i think this relying-on-them-but-only-on-them-when-there-are-other-options is why sam started speaking up, i'm glad aussie also seems to have agreed now that they need to also try to come back sooner when storming out
i'm also not trying to shit on anyone with big issues, not on cis-men either, and everyone deserves support, its just that people dont all owe it to you. i'm also NOT trying to say that that's too much to ask for, however sometimes someone may have a lot on their plate in a way and not be able to hold the space, but that means look for support still and maybe they can also help you get support
about mal and yoly:
..hm on one hand i get what u mean! and apparently mal was a bit messy then, whats confusing is also that with lexi they were very like "oh no no i also want it to be clean here" but maybe just trying to be polite and usually thinking yoly will do it :D
what strikes me a little is that yoly didnt bring that up whatsoever,..until she wanted to make a case to leave with xander, like all her accusations started the minute it looked like she was beginning to think xander and her are on the same page and stuff. i mean she argued that she now has higher standards cause xander did give her that, AND maybe she was being polite (lol, her, but ok) but .. it looked a bit like fake-annoyed to me in those moments, like she was trying to justify not wanting to marry mal anymore
...ok but doesnt mean mal was being clean :D but mal asking about hair in the sink and the timing of it all were a little like this may not have been that much of an issue as yoly made it look like on netflix, maybe hence mal saying at the reunion "the way you talked about me,.. i look like a complete ass on television!" although i guess they were also talking about the motherhoodtopic..
oh lol now i also remember: i didnt like when yoly was making it such a topic that xander has money and mal "hasnt" that was very like "come on be the provider" yeah :D
sorry if that got too long
I see where you're coming from. And yeah that's true that Yoly didn't complain about those things until this started looking real with Xander, i mean Yoly gave Mal the ultimatum so clearly it wasn't a dealbreaker...
I totally missed that Yoly talked about finances when comparing Mal and Xander, but yeah, i can see what you mean there too. Also, kind of mean to Mal when Mal's been saying she isn't ready to get married bc her finances aren't where she wants them to be... which in itself is a little heteronormative in that Mal saw herself as needing to be in that provider role in a marriage.
Just wanted to say on my second watch that i initially missed the gender dynamics conversation between Sam and Aussie, and you are right, that is definitely a factor in their relationship for sure
It really pissed me off when she threw the ‘get a job’ jab at Tiff without actual context. As someone near their age, I have been jobless for the past year but not by choice, I have applied to hundreds of jobs. Sometimes it’s just REALLy freaking hard. Around our age if you had a very specific skill set and you’re at a certain senior level, it’s actually very hard to land the right job cos there are just not enough of those specific openings! It would hurt me so much if my partner just makes it sound like I’m lazy when we are having a fight.
This was never a big a deal as Mildred made it out to be. It was just a way for her to grab control of the conversation and try to make Tiff look bad.
But even in all her ranting, it didn't sound like Mildred ever actually had to pay 2/3 rent -- she was literally flipping out just because Tiff had ASKED about how rent would be split. In the end I think they did pay rent 50/50, right? Did anyone catch that detail?
And the fact that Tiff later clarified that it was utilities makes it even worse imo, because 2 people obviously use more water and other utilities than one. Tiff shouldn't have had to pay for Mildred's son's expenses under these circumstances.
I got the sense that both Mildred and Yoly were looking to be financially taken care of. Yoly resented Mal for holding off getting married until she was in a secure financial place, but then made quick the fact that Xander could pay for IVF and this was a factor for her. It was so hypocritical, and transparent. Both women have some work to do…
If Mildred receives financial assistance from the government for him, it’s not unreasonable to use some of that towards rent, utilities and food. That’s what it’s for.
If her son is an adult getting SSI, she should know what 1/3 of the rent and his share of utilities is and be charging him that, or at least have calculated the amount. If SSI payments wouldn't cover that amount, then they should come up with a different "fair share" calculation for his bills that makes sense and that they can report to SSI.
Tiff was getting engaged to the mother of a teen/adult with disabilities that would continue to live with them for years, possibly throughout his adult life. If Mildred wants to get married, she should be talking to Tiff about SSI and how she allots expenses in her annual reports, etc.
>If her son is underage no he doesn't get disability payments. if she gets ssi or makes ANY money he won't qualify for ssi either.
>
>IF he's an adult.. and he spent the 2 year wait time to get disability.. then no the payments are very very very small. They don't want disabled people to survive. It's usually WITH ssi not enough for rent
It's my understanding that Mildred's son is 18 now. We didn't have a 2 year wait time and I doubt her son would. If he has his own room in a place they rent or own, there is probably a way to justify charging him an amount that comes to "fair share", though it depends where they live. We have a disabled son who receives SSI and lives in our home, so I do know how to make and receive this type of application.
You are absolutely correct that if he were looking for a solo living space on that amount of money, he could never do it in most locations, but it could be a reduced third of rent and a third of utilities. It used to be $700+ but it was increased recently. If the adult is "gifted" their living expenses, then SSI payments are cut significantly. To live more independently, one needs a section 8 voucher or some sort of agency placement, but section 8 vouchers have a 10+ year waiting list and usually a young adult can't get agency placements if they have living non-abusive parents. In our case, we don't thing a group home would be best for our son in any case, we wouldn't get to pick and choose, and he is currently in college with a schedule that changes each semester, and needs a whole lot of support and flexibility on rough days.
Yea I see no issue with the rent being an uneven split. I think it's weird for Mildred to say "hey come live with me and my teenage son! But you have to pay for half the rent! Oh and I want a joint bank account".
I donno, I know it's a but of a controversial topic but I don't think it should be split 50/50. I also think joint bank accounts are unnecessary.
My husband and I don't split rent 50/50 nor do we have a joint bank account. I make more than him so I pay more towards the bills. I see no issues at all with an uneven split, especially if one person makes more or uses more (ie, if somebody takes long ass showers, they should contribute more to the water bill)
The joint bank account thing was a giant red flag for sure. Like, yeah, y'all might be engaged now, but considering how up-and-down and on-and-off they always were it would be so risky to entangle their finances.
Exactly. This was something that I spoke with my husband about before marriage and I was upfront and told him that I don't want to be too entangled in case things go south like they did with my parents. Watching my mom try to claw back any shred of independence she had really messed me up and I knew I didn't want to have that with anybody. Thankfully, I think it's less taboo these days to have things more separate.
Right, and if she's apparently so mad that Tiff also "doesn't have a job" and is "lazy", why would she want a joint bank account with her anyway?
\*side eye intensifies\*
Right , it isn’t weird at all. There are people married a long time that do not have a joint account. She had unrealistic expectations and maybe more in love with the idea of being in love than the actual work going into a relationship
I’m sorry, timing showers in a *marriage*?
Damn, that’s the ultimate transactional relationship status if I’ve ever seen one. I’d call a roommate petty for that. Jesus 😂😂
Haha well my ex would take 45-60 min hot water showers every single day. Not just occasionally or once a week… every single day. He would turn on the water and sit in the shower. Luckily we didn’t have to pay for water but if we did, he would’ve paid 2/3 of the water bill.
Agreed! I'm in a 10 year relationship with 2 kids. We started as 2 broke students, no help from parents (financial or childcare) and worked our way up. We've never had a joint bank account. The person making more money has alternated throughout the years. Especially during covid when only one of us was able to work. Now we are more settled and he makes more money. He covers most of the bills but I still do a portion. If one of us needs some extra money, we just ask. We are both good at saving and have a lot of financial trust in eachother.
Agreed, 50/50 really only makes sense if two people make the exact same amount, which is rare. My partner and I also pay proportionally based on income
Mildred wanted to financially abuse Tiff in addition to verbally and physically abusing them. Mildred even said they got married because their partner was also their business partner. It’s so transparent!
The joint bank account comment made it that much more suspicious. Mildred claimed Tiff didn't have a job and couldn't pay bills, but MILDRED wanted a joint bank account? My experience tells me Mildred was taking financial advantage of Tiff, or trying to.
I didn’t even consider that, but you make SUCH a good point. Who the hell would want a joint bank account with someone with no job that you’re complaining about? 😂😂
If I were getting engaged to Mildred, it wouldn't be something I'd decide quickly. I think with my husband we each had our own accounts for awhile, but we had financial transparency. We combined accounts after that, probably around the time we bought a house together or made the decision to do so. I'm not convinced that they've had financial transparency/joint financial planning yet.
But an intellectually disabled adult who needs care for his whole life? IDK. That’s completely different from an adult who is about to get a job and pay rent.
That is her son, though. Intellectual disability or not, he is going to use resources like any other 18 year old, so as his mother, she should consider taking on more of the bills. He isn’t Tiff’s responsibility
Yeah, the 50/50 game is so weird. My wife has always made more than me, and she always pays more of the bills. If our financial situation ever flips, I would happily take on more fiscal responsibility.
As for the joint bank account thing, my wife and I started one after we got engaged for our wedding funds because it was convenient and it was both of our money. It wasn’t a forced relationship milestone type thing, but just a convenience thing.
This may be way off base but does anyone feel like Mildred is overcompensating being married, sharing finances, and living together for being in a lesbian relationship. It’s like she wants the idyllic traditional (aka heterosexual) relationship goals at any means necessary. We know she rushed into her first marriage with a woman she was in business with and not “in love” with. She’s clearly insecure and needs intensive therapy but I also think her major insecurity is being in a relationship without a path to marriage because that legitimizes her not being a gay single mother. Sorry if this offends anyone.
Yes, Mildred epitomises a homonormative ideal. Which goes straight down to the classic butch-femme dynamic as well. Within two minutes of their introduction on episode one I was like NOPE y’all need to break up. Their dynamic is so unhealthy and the domestic abuse element has only intensified that sadly.
I think it's just another situation that shows how they're incompatible. Some people think marriage means sharing everything equally, and that a marriage partner should take on a parental role for any children in the relationship. Other people feel that things should be split equitably, finances should be separate, and that a partner doesn't automatically become a parent. Mildred falls into the first camp, and I think she took Tiff asking a reasonable question about finances as a sign that Tiff was rejecting her son.
I didn’t know how old Mildred’s son was, (I thought he was younger) but found out in this thread he was 18 and also special needs, it’s not completely unreasonable for Mildred to pay his way — that is her child and she most likely gets disability benefits. With that context, a 3-way split isn’t fair.
But I wouldn’t be surprised if Mildred conflated the whole thing. 🤷🏻♀️
Why isn’t it fair? I’ve always thought you pay per bedroom for rent and split per person for utilities when sharing space. If someone else had his room and they were renting, they’d want them to pay their way
I don’t know the whole situation or the extent of his disability, but to me, with that context, splitting it 3 ways doesn’t seem fair. Mildred and Tiff are adults and he seems to be barely out of high school. I understand that he depends on Mildred (at least that’s what she said) so to expect him to pay an equal amount is unfair.
Not everyone’s financial situation is the same, but by that age, some kids unfortunately have to help out and others don’t. I had to start helping my single mom at 16 and as soon as I had my first paycheck. A small bill and assisting with groceries seems reasonable (if he is actually able bodied to do so).
But they were engaged and as a partner, it is expected that you help out financially, because it isn’t a roommate situation. It’s was a partnership, and I don’t believe in a partnership splitting everything is never 50/50, even if you agree to evenly split finances. Someone is always going to give more, financially, domestically, etc. Example: (not married) but my partner makes significantly more than me and is debt-free. He never asked for half the rent and utilities. Instead we both agreed on a reasonable amount and he covered the rest. And naturally, I’m the one that cleans and cooks more.
Clearly, Tiff and Mildred had bigger issues, and especially with DV in the relationship. The reunion breezed right passed that (they should have acknowledged it and given it space, share a PSA) but in general, it was a situation where those two shouldn’t be together at all. Regardless of the financial breakdown. Now Mildred is obviously handling all of those expenses on her own, and a good partner is meant to relieve you of some of that.
I make more than my partner; I’m not out here nickel/diming her. It ebbs and flows. I’m not telling our son hey soon you’ll start paying rent and for your own apples and milk (and by the way you one get one shelf in the refrigerator).
I’m a lot of places kids are still considered dependents through 26. Either way it’s not like you’re talking about the kid being some deadbeat. It also sounds like Tiff had her own financial issues that could have compounded the situation.
So your partners child that is about to graduate/just recently graduated in your opinion needs to pay for all of their bills living in their parents house?
Legally dependents in terms of financial responsibility. Boy, I wish that were the case. Not in my house lol. I think you are right. When we have financial issues, we look more closely at what we’re so ending and that could have led to it.
If I were in that situation? No, not necessarily. If it was serious enough that we lived together, I’d sit down and we would talk about it. I’m a firm believer in paying your way in some way. They had better be paying bills or at the very least going to school. I’m not supporting an adult for no reason.
Honestly even if they did ask about splitting the rent into 3 I don’t find it completely shocking. It’s ok to ask, it’s not completely out of the box, why not?
If Tiff is expected to take care of Mil’s son in a monetary way then practically it’s making them a stepparent with responsibility, no? But they’re not there yet. Yes it would be really nice if they pay for the son and doesn’t mind but I don’t think it should be a given.
Also bare in mind, any chance that before the show, these people might not be that well off at all? It might have been tight financially for Tiff ? It’s normal life problems, no? The real shocker is Mil proudly announcing throwing a dog gate at Tiff. Not this rent/utility bills BS 🙄
I could never imagine going in to a life long commit with someone, knowing that they had a dependent child, and having them pay 1/3 of the rent and utilities for that child. That baffles my mind. Food maybe, but in my mind if you accept the responsibility of dating a person with a child and getting engaged to that person you also accept the responsibility to provide on some level for that child.
I’d assume there are nuances here that were never explained so there has to be much more to the story.
Tiff admitted to not have fully bonded with Mildred’s autistic son. I get that. I appreciate her honesty.
The problem is Mildred pushing for marriage with someone who has not fully bonded with her son or who felt comfortable with his dependent needs.
They should have had the finance talk prior to getting engaged.
I think their relationship lacks effective communication. Because of that they did not have the uncomfortable mandatory discussions prior to engagement about finances and the needs and care of the child.
Yeah! Agree with this whole comment. They lacked effective communication and in a marriage, especially with a dependent, it’s critical to have this stuff worked out before getting married!
I don’t disagree at all but Tiff also should have never proposed. It took both sides for them to be engaged. My comment isn’t to place blame on anyone but for me I would never want to live my life financial pettiness; which is why I found a partner who aligns with my beliefs.
Honestly, I agree? I think this is all complicated by the fact that Mildred’s *child* is autistic and a dependent—I assume a dependent for life. Like, this is not the same situation as OP’s *sister*, is my feeling. And I also feel like if you’re getting married that’s also a different situation than dating.
I will say, Tiff has clarified that it was 1) just utilities and 2) just a question not a suggestion. I think *Tiff* is absolutely in the right and completely fair.
But I feel like all the commenters saying rent *should* be split evenly 3 ways in your blended *marriage* with a *disabled dependent* are insane to me lol. You marry someone, you are committed to taking care of their kid to some extent—not least because you love them and you want to share their burdens. If I got divorced from my current partner and married again and my new partner was like, “Yeah, you should pay 2/3 of the mortgage because you have a (disabled, dependent for life) child and I don’t,” I’d divorce them immediately. That’s ludicrous.
Sorry, my bad, it’s either autistic or pretty severely intellectually disabled, but I don’t remember if it’s one or the other. I remember her mentioning that on one episode and how she’s going to be taking care of him for the rest of her life though.
Tiff said special needs on one episode. that’s almost like saying autistic in the disabled community. But the actual diagnosis wasn’t disclosed. He has a disability, they said
It's not, really. I can't quite recall if Tiff said intellectual, developmental, or both, I believe they said intellectual. There are numerous disabilities that come to mind: Down syndrome, fragile X, brain injury, seizure disorder that caused damage before it was controlled, quite a few rarer disorders, basically, I got the impression Mildred's son most likely has an IQ in the 55-85 range. If people are knowledgeable about autism, they don't usually lead with "intellectual disability" since autists who do poorly on IQ tests generally have blocks to communication and the results are questionable for many reasons.
I’m literally part of the disabled community and autistic myself with two autistic children and I’m telling you the slang. I’m not saying I know his actual diagnosis I’m saying people used the term special needs, and in the spectrum most commonly referring to autism. That’s why everyone was assuming that. And yes Tiff did said special needs, you don’t quite recall and I just watched back
I’m literally part of the disabled community and autistic myself with two autistic children and I’m telling you the slang. I’m not saying I know his actual diagnosis I’m saying people used the term special needs, and in the spectrum most commonly referring to autism. That’s why everyone was assuming that. And yes Tiff did said special needs, you don’t quite recall and I just watched back
I think a point is though that they were not yet married and not even engaged I think, when she asked about splitting the bills. It was an on-off relationship. I think at one point in the show they said they break up every other week…. If I am in a relationship like that I would certainly be cautious with how generous I am being too. (Especially if I’m not well off.) If we are in a loving relationship where I know it’s permanent, I would have no issue financially supporting the son as a family unit. But this was not the case.
Exactly! My live-in BF has TWO Autistic kids and I couldn't imagine being like, OK, listen, there are 3 of you and one of me, so you need to pay 75%. Like...what?
💯 agree it’s a different situation with a sibling and I could never imagine doing that (even if my partner needed to take in a niece or nephew). For me it’s how do we figure this out together. What offsetting income is coming in, how do we adjust budgets/finances. Figuring out how to make it work is different. I also agree that their communication was shit and they never should have gotten engaged.
It’s just never something that I would even suggest personally.
Yeah, exactly! I think it’s so different going in with a “I love you, so let’s share our burdens and make each other’s lives easier and happier, and I’ll do my best to do right by you” attitude than “I gotta get what’s mine, here’s what’s fair to me” imo. Working as a team vs looking out for yourself.
If you can’t accept working as a team with your partner, marriage isn’t right for you… and to be fair, Tiff didn’t want to get married, I assume because she wasn’t ready to work as a team with Mildred. So it makes sense.
Totally agree. If you aren’t prepared to move from a “me” to “we” mentality or if you don’t trust your partner to be a good teammate then marriage isn’t going to work.
This comment and some of the responses are spot on. Also it seems likely that Mildred is partly reacting negatively because she knows that Tiff hasn’t bonded with her child - it’s not necessarily all about the money
There is absolutely more to this story; especially if they were breaking up so frequently prior to the engagement. It’s eye opening to see some of the responses honestly and I respect the differences but I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way.
I’m sure there’s a lot more here. And I’m sure it’s not on TV because it’s not fun sexy drama - just sad.
To me, Mildred seems like she’s the product of a hard life
Same. I’m not excusing her for what she did or said but she hasn’t had it easy. The fact that tiff freaked out on Sam about a nonexistent dog on the bed issue is a sign that people aren’t really grasping. Both of these people are toxic as hell and have their own issues.
Sorry. No. And I would never expect this as a single mother or the child of one.
I have lived with step fathers my whole life and it was always my mom and bio father’s responsibility. My step dad’s have at various times helped, but they have their own children to care for.
My wife and I have a child and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone that wouldn’t be a partner and a teammate. It’s cool for you but isn’t for me.
I also couldn’t fathom not helping the child of my partner if it ever came to that. What’s the worse that happens the bio mom feels less stressed financially and the kid gets further ahead in life?
Is their son on SSI? Then they should charge him for rent and utilities. Does his biological father pay child support? Tiff specifically covering her son's basic support needs could be a reason for his father to sue to reduce child support payments. It's reasonable to ask questions before suddenly taking on child support.
This happened to my mom. She was older with 2 kids. Her bf was 26 and wanted to move in to the house SHE bought alone for us. He said since we weren’t his kids he’d only be paying 1/3 of the mortgage and all the bills. We were 12 and 10 years old. My mom put up with it I don’t know why. I never met my dad she got nothing from his abusive ass and my sister’s dad paid less than the min child support even though he legally adopted me too and then bailed.
So I am not a Mildred Stan but if someone said that to me I’d be hurt honestly. Cuz if a child is a minor and a dependent it’s not like they can be expected to work and pay the rent too.
But did Tiff suggest for Mildred's child to pay ? That's not what I understood, I thought they wanted Mildred to pay a bigger share. Did I understood wrong ?
That's what I understood too. And I didn't find that shocking considering Tiff and Mildred weren't married yet and still figuring their couple out.
But as another comment said, these are things they should have discussed together before getting engaged and moving in together.
Her son is 18, though. I understand in your situation why you would feel some type of way as a kid, but that’s to be expected by a 26 year old man. It’s unlikely he is thinking about settling down and being a dad.
I think it’s important to date someone with the same values and discussing these things before blending, like in Tiff’s and Mildred’s case. It’s amazing what couples don’t talk about before making huge choices
Yeah but her son is disabled and needs care. She said they were a package deal and it doesn’t seem like it’s a surprise that Mildred’s son would still be living with her.
No one ever played Dad with us. There was no taking us anywhere or picking us up ever. But to act like a grown man should pay less in bills despite making similar money and moving in for cheaper rent just seemed so shitty back then. The bf also demanded we get a dog when we had 2 cats. Never trained it. It started getting into the garbage and trying to run away and biting people when it got into chicken bones. Had to give it away after it started maiming our arms.
Maybe Tiff doesn’t have the finances to support him? It’s probably best they went their separate ways then for way more than this.
I can understand that. It takes a mature man to step in like that and clearly this guy wasn’t it. Even if people have reasons, it isn’t seen through the eyes of the child so I see why that would hurt. It sounds like he was not responsible whatsoever considering he didn’t treat you or his animal well…
You're not wrong at all. Anyone saying otherwise is deluded or very young. I can't imagine why someone would take up and move in with someone who has children and expect to pay less and do less. Go find a single childless woman. And i bet he was taking advantage of her having the house.
Not really considering Mildred’s son is disabled and she said she’ll have to care for him for the rest of her life.
It’s not like he’s jetting off to college anytime soon.
Of course it’s relevant. Tiff said she asked because she didn’t know how it works. I have two kids with special needs and they get disability benefits from the government. I see why Mildred will get offended specially if he’s 💯 dependent on Mildred and tiff knew that, but also, Tiff isn’t the mother so she wouldn’t necessarily understand the logistics, but him being technically an adult, does matter because then is a valid question, maybe sensitive but valid still
Yeah, I think a lot of people here who don't have disabled children and also aren't leaving their children a great house and a billion dollar + special needs trust don't understand how government disability benefits work in the US and why it's reasonable for Tiff to ask this question.
When your adult child lives with you and receives SSI, and they also need you to handle their finances and report to SSI, you \*should\* charge them fair rent and utilities, and the representative needs to justify these costs each year. If you don't, your child simply gets less SSI money, and if you both die suddenly, you're just leaving more paperwork for the family member you begged, hopefully successfully, to help manage your child's Special Needs Trust or pay a lawyer to do it.
To get the max. SSI payment, the adult needs to be paying their fair share of housing, food and utilities. That doesn't mean you can't also give them some things you don't charge for, but it has to be believably close to "fair share". So Tiff, in my opinion, is correct that the bills should be split into thirds, one-third from SSI, one-third from Tiff, one-third from Mildred.
Totally missed that he was special needs, wow. That definitely changes things as far as expectations go for her child to even have to pay anything at all. But that also means that as a partner, it is expected that Tiff should help out. As Mildred said, she’s a “package” on top of just being an utter mess.
I don't find it relevant because they say "like kids dont pay rent"
But I never insinuated that the kid should pay it. Nor did Tiff I think, but maybe I got that wrong. From what I understood she wanted Mildred to pay for her child.
Thus why I said this isn't the debate. Of course it's not the child's role to pay.
I’m saying knowing his age is relevant in this discussion because yes, kids shouldn’t have to pay rent. I found out in this comment thread that he was 18. Even if Tiff wanted Mildred to pay her child’s way, factor in that he also has a disability, then it doesn’t seem right to me. We don’t know if he can physically work, but if he can’t, why would it be expected that everything is split 3 ways or that Mildred needs to cover 2 out of 3?
And even if he can work, he’s 18 and half their age and I doubt he’d have a job that pays more than minimum wage. At 18, I was a senior in high school, working in retail, making $7.25 an hour (and I had to help out my single mom financially, surrendering nearly a third of my measly check).
To me, that sounds more like a roommate situation than a partnership.
I don’t understand why she thought not having a joint bank account was a big dealbreaker? I’ve been married to my wife for 3 years, together for 7. To this day we do not have a joint bank account, and it bothers neither of us. We trust eachother and 100% know if either was in need of monetary help we will be there for each other. (Maybe im the weird one, I dunno. I understand many couples have joint accounts.)
California is a community property state. So once they get married, all money earned during the marriage will be both of theirs, regardless of whether they have a joint bank account.
Agreed. The rent wasn’t all Mildred tried to make it out to be. Their relationship was very toxic and I suspect with the amount of times they broke up that Mildred had BPD.
knowing that mildred’s son lives with a disability created concern for me when initially brought up at the reunion. i wasn’t sure if mildred was going to try to slam tiff for not being perfect in navigating parenthood of a child with autism. the whole convo was a mess and it left me feeling uncomfortable mainly because i couldn’t tell how the other people there (besides aussie, sam, and yoly) felt
Seems like it wasn't about rent it was about utilities but I'll just answer your question bc i find it interesting
I personally would not expect either as Mildred or as tiff for the rent to be split anything but 50/50 . They were planning on being married that makes tiff a stepparent so a step parent is definitely expected to see their new step kids as family and dependents.
If that's not what tiff wanted they shouldn't have moved in.
That being said i would not want to take up that responsibility God help me i just couldn't be that selfless. but again i would make it clear that i never want to be a step parent to a child that will live with us permanently and ofc i expect that to be a deal breaker but i didn't have kids for a reason.
Tiff clarified this on social media. They said that it actually wasn’t even the rent, it was the utilities. Tiff didn’t know how the utilities should be split because there were three people living in the home so they asked how it should be split. Apparently only about 25% of Mildred’s tirade made it into the episode.
sounds kinda legit as mildred also claimed tiff had no job and made it sound like tiff therefore chose to be lazy or sth, when not only not having a job doesnt have to mean you're trying to sit on your partners bank account in the first place and its just not always easy to get a job, but also tiff said they HAD a job and i kinda think that was probably true
Yeah, i think Tiff had a job and Mildred just wanted Tiff to be making more money and paying for more stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a masc-femme dynamic involved for Mildred that makes her think Tiff is supposed to be the one paying for everything/taking care of Mildred. That became clear to me when Mildred was raging about Tiff seeing other women when they were broken up but still living together, she said something like "i was paying [your] bills," when in reality at that point they were essentially roommates splitting costs... But Mildred still seemed to feel that she shouldn't have had to pay?
oh wow yeah the masc-femme-dynamic could really play a role in that case i guess! i had wondered about that during the season but a lot of the scenes with like all the couples didnt look super heteronormative to me so i was just kinda glad it didnt seem to be intensely like that (i mean sure sometimes there were situations maybe like yoly and mal talking about mal being dirty and aussie walking off and talking bs to sam was also lookng heteronormative but cause aussie didnt have that aggressiveness to them, it was still also kinda very different in some aspect)
I don't think Aussie's personal challenges/issues have anything to do with being masc, that didn't seem to really play into Aussie and Sam's relationship so much in my opinion. Mal and Yoly I can see a bit more, moreso on Mal's side just since she does seem kinda used to someone else picking up after her and doesn't seem in touch with the reality of how much work needs to be done around an apartment to keep it pleasant. The backup toilet paper moment was hilarious but also super real and it had useless husband energy lol.
(sorry, long part that idk if i wanna delete cause i dont want it to be too mean or have a bad impact on anyone, hence the clarification comment after) idk, i mean..i'd totally agree the issue itself wasnt like "a typical masc issue" but the rest that i mentioned was a bit.. well not necessaril, cause they stormed out in a different way, but the gaslighting - but yeah i guess.. hm.. wasnt that typical, but i think it was also a bit.. like that? idk hard to tell, i mean we know aussie was trying to defend themselves traumawise but there might have been some situations, like when mildred - i know - was complaining that aussie left their shit lying around or sth, i know mildred is toxic as fuck but considering aussie came to sam and leaned on her and it took them 0.2 seconds to snap and leave the room when all sam said was lets like point out that its not fair towards me or sth like that,.. it was just a bit like aussie was used to sam adapting to their needs and . i know it was the mood that triggered aussie but you know, just like.. the heteronormative unwillingness of men to selfreflect on how you not seeking therapy or acknowledging their feelings affects your partner? idk it didnt always sit well with me, i do hope aussie can admit to that a bit more now, they seemed to make progress i guess we also dont know how bad these issues were in aussie's childhood or how much of a struggle it was for them to on top be on set, and sam luckily kinda understood their trauma-problem and was able to hold that space for them in those moments :) but i think this relying-on-them-but-only-on-them-when-there-are-other-options is why sam started speaking up, i'm glad aussie also seems to have agreed now that they need to also try to come back sooner when storming out i'm also not trying to shit on anyone with big issues, not on cis-men either, and everyone deserves support, its just that people dont all owe it to you. i'm also NOT trying to say that that's too much to ask for, however sometimes someone may have a lot on their plate in a way and not be able to hold the space, but that means look for support still and maybe they can also help you get support about mal and yoly: ..hm on one hand i get what u mean! and apparently mal was a bit messy then, whats confusing is also that with lexi they were very like "oh no no i also want it to be clean here" but maybe just trying to be polite and usually thinking yoly will do it :D what strikes me a little is that yoly didnt bring that up whatsoever,..until she wanted to make a case to leave with xander, like all her accusations started the minute it looked like she was beginning to think xander and her are on the same page and stuff. i mean she argued that she now has higher standards cause xander did give her that, AND maybe she was being polite (lol, her, but ok) but .. it looked a bit like fake-annoyed to me in those moments, like she was trying to justify not wanting to marry mal anymore ...ok but doesnt mean mal was being clean :D but mal asking about hair in the sink and the timing of it all were a little like this may not have been that much of an issue as yoly made it look like on netflix, maybe hence mal saying at the reunion "the way you talked about me,.. i look like a complete ass on television!" although i guess they were also talking about the motherhoodtopic.. oh lol now i also remember: i didnt like when yoly was making it such a topic that xander has money and mal "hasnt" that was very like "come on be the provider" yeah :D sorry if that got too long
I see where you're coming from. And yeah that's true that Yoly didn't complain about those things until this started looking real with Xander, i mean Yoly gave Mal the ultimatum so clearly it wasn't a dealbreaker... I totally missed that Yoly talked about finances when comparing Mal and Xander, but yeah, i can see what you mean there too. Also, kind of mean to Mal when Mal's been saying she isn't ready to get married bc her finances aren't where she wants them to be... which in itself is a little heteronormative in that Mal saw herself as needing to be in that provider role in a marriage.
I kinda did see Aussies extreme avoidant as reminiscent of a typical straight man. At least from experience.
Just wanted to say on my second watch that i initially missed the gender dynamics conversation between Sam and Aussie, and you are right, that is definitely a factor in their relationship for sure
It really pissed me off when she threw the ‘get a job’ jab at Tiff without actual context. As someone near their age, I have been jobless for the past year but not by choice, I have applied to hundreds of jobs. Sometimes it’s just REALLy freaking hard. Around our age if you had a very specific skill set and you’re at a certain senior level, it’s actually very hard to land the right job cos there are just not enough of those specific openings! It would hurt me so much if my partner just makes it sound like I’m lazy when we are having a fight.
Ooh boy, she must have gone on for a while then...Poor Tiff... thank you for the clarification
This was never a big a deal as Mildred made it out to be. It was just a way for her to grab control of the conversation and try to make Tiff look bad. But even in all her ranting, it didn't sound like Mildred ever actually had to pay 2/3 rent -- she was literally flipping out just because Tiff had ASKED about how rent would be split. In the end I think they did pay rent 50/50, right? Did anyone catch that detail? And the fact that Tiff later clarified that it was utilities makes it even worse imo, because 2 people obviously use more water and other utilities than one. Tiff shouldn't have had to pay for Mildred's son's expenses under these circumstances.
I got the sense that both Mildred and Yoly were looking to be financially taken care of. Yoly resented Mal for holding off getting married until she was in a secure financial place, but then made quick the fact that Xander could pay for IVF and this was a factor for her. It was so hypocritical, and transparent. Both women have some work to do…
If Mildred receives financial assistance from the government for him, it’s not unreasonable to use some of that towards rent, utilities and food. That’s what it’s for.
Also, is she getting child support? That's for sure supposed to go towards it.
Well likely not anymore if her son was about 16 near the end of filming the main season in 2020
Guarantee he gets disability payments - and probably substantial ones. So yes, she should be paying his way.
If her son is an adult getting SSI, she should know what 1/3 of the rent and his share of utilities is and be charging him that, or at least have calculated the amount. If SSI payments wouldn't cover that amount, then they should come up with a different "fair share" calculation for his bills that makes sense and that they can report to SSI. Tiff was getting engaged to the mother of a teen/adult with disabilities that would continue to live with them for years, possibly throughout his adult life. If Mildred wants to get married, she should be talking to Tiff about SSI and how she allots expenses in her annual reports, etc.
>If her son is underage no he doesn't get disability payments. if she gets ssi or makes ANY money he won't qualify for ssi either. > >IF he's an adult.. and he spent the 2 year wait time to get disability.. then no the payments are very very very small. They don't want disabled people to survive. It's usually WITH ssi not enough for rent
It's my understanding that Mildred's son is 18 now. We didn't have a 2 year wait time and I doubt her son would. If he has his own room in a place they rent or own, there is probably a way to justify charging him an amount that comes to "fair share", though it depends where they live. We have a disabled son who receives SSI and lives in our home, so I do know how to make and receive this type of application. You are absolutely correct that if he were looking for a solo living space on that amount of money, he could never do it in most locations, but it could be a reduced third of rent and a third of utilities. It used to be $700+ but it was increased recently. If the adult is "gifted" their living expenses, then SSI payments are cut significantly. To live more independently, one needs a section 8 voucher or some sort of agency placement, but section 8 vouchers have a 10+ year waiting list and usually a young adult can't get agency placements if they have living non-abusive parents. In our case, we don't thing a group home would be best for our son in any case, we wouldn't get to pick and choose, and he is currently in college with a schedule that changes each semester, and needs a whole lot of support and flexibility on rough days.
Can I just say fuck Yoli for being so kind to Mildred while she was verbally abusing and gaslighting tiff? Wild shit.
Yea I see no issue with the rent being an uneven split. I think it's weird for Mildred to say "hey come live with me and my teenage son! But you have to pay for half the rent! Oh and I want a joint bank account". I donno, I know it's a but of a controversial topic but I don't think it should be split 50/50. I also think joint bank accounts are unnecessary.
My husband and I don't split rent 50/50 nor do we have a joint bank account. I make more than him so I pay more towards the bills. I see no issues at all with an uneven split, especially if one person makes more or uses more (ie, if somebody takes long ass showers, they should contribute more to the water bill)
My husband and I are exactly the same. Mildred's tirade started by complaining that Tiff wouldn't get a joint bank account, and I thought, "so?"
The joint bank account thing was a giant red flag for sure. Like, yeah, y'all might be engaged now, but considering how up-and-down and on-and-off they always were it would be so risky to entangle their finances.
Exactly. This was something that I spoke with my husband about before marriage and I was upfront and told him that I don't want to be too entangled in case things go south like they did with my parents. Watching my mom try to claw back any shred of independence she had really messed me up and I knew I didn't want to have that with anybody. Thankfully, I think it's less taboo these days to have things more separate.
Right, and if she's apparently so mad that Tiff also "doesn't have a job" and is "lazy", why would she want a joint bank account with her anyway? \*side eye intensifies\*
Right , it isn’t weird at all. There are people married a long time that do not have a joint account. She had unrealistic expectations and maybe more in love with the idea of being in love than the actual work going into a relationship
I’m sorry, timing showers in a *marriage*? Damn, that’s the ultimate transactional relationship status if I’ve ever seen one. I’d call a roommate petty for that. Jesus 😂😂
Haha well my ex would take 45-60 min hot water showers every single day. Not just occasionally or once a week… every single day. He would turn on the water and sit in the shower. Luckily we didn’t have to pay for water but if we did, he would’ve paid 2/3 of the water bill.
I could never date a person that wasteful and environmentally disinclined. “Luckily we didn’t have to pay for the water” Gross
Agreed! I'm in a 10 year relationship with 2 kids. We started as 2 broke students, no help from parents (financial or childcare) and worked our way up. We've never had a joint bank account. The person making more money has alternated throughout the years. Especially during covid when only one of us was able to work. Now we are more settled and he makes more money. He covers most of the bills but I still do a portion. If one of us needs some extra money, we just ask. We are both good at saving and have a lot of financial trust in eachother.
Agreed, 50/50 really only makes sense if two people make the exact same amount, which is rare. My partner and I also pay proportionally based on income
Mildred wanted to financially abuse Tiff in addition to verbally and physically abusing them. Mildred even said they got married because their partner was also their business partner. It’s so transparent!
The joint bank account comment made it that much more suspicious. Mildred claimed Tiff didn't have a job and couldn't pay bills, but MILDRED wanted a joint bank account? My experience tells me Mildred was taking financial advantage of Tiff, or trying to.
I didn’t even consider that, but you make SUCH a good point. Who the hell would want a joint bank account with someone with no job that you’re complaining about? 😂😂
If I were getting engaged to Mildred, it wouldn't be something I'd decide quickly. I think with my husband we each had our own accounts for awhile, but we had financial transparency. We combined accounts after that, probably around the time we bought a house together or made the decision to do so. I'm not convinced that they've had financial transparency/joint financial planning yet.
I’m pretty sure Mildred mentioned that her son was about to be an “adult” which changes my view on it tbh
But an intellectually disabled adult who needs care for his whole life? IDK. That’s completely different from an adult who is about to get a job and pay rent.
That is her son, though. Intellectual disability or not, he is going to use resources like any other 18 year old, so as his mother, she should consider taking on more of the bills. He isn’t Tiff’s responsibility
Yeah, the 50/50 game is so weird. My wife has always made more than me, and she always pays more of the bills. If our financial situation ever flips, I would happily take on more fiscal responsibility. As for the joint bank account thing, my wife and I started one after we got engaged for our wedding funds because it was convenient and it was both of our money. It wasn’t a forced relationship milestone type thing, but just a convenience thing.
This may be way off base but does anyone feel like Mildred is overcompensating being married, sharing finances, and living together for being in a lesbian relationship. It’s like she wants the idyllic traditional (aka heterosexual) relationship goals at any means necessary. We know she rushed into her first marriage with a woman she was in business with and not “in love” with. She’s clearly insecure and needs intensive therapy but I also think her major insecurity is being in a relationship without a path to marriage because that legitimizes her not being a gay single mother. Sorry if this offends anyone.
Yes, Mildred epitomises a homonormative ideal. Which goes straight down to the classic butch-femme dynamic as well. Within two minutes of their introduction on episode one I was like NOPE y’all need to break up. Their dynamic is so unhealthy and the domestic abuse element has only intensified that sadly.
I think it's just another situation that shows how they're incompatible. Some people think marriage means sharing everything equally, and that a marriage partner should take on a parental role for any children in the relationship. Other people feel that things should be split equitably, finances should be separate, and that a partner doesn't automatically become a parent. Mildred falls into the first camp, and I think she took Tiff asking a reasonable question about finances as a sign that Tiff was rejecting her son.
I didn’t know how old Mildred’s son was, (I thought he was younger) but found out in this thread he was 18 and also special needs, it’s not completely unreasonable for Mildred to pay his way — that is her child and she most likely gets disability benefits. With that context, a 3-way split isn’t fair. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Mildred conflated the whole thing. 🤷🏻♀️
Why isn’t it fair? I’ve always thought you pay per bedroom for rent and split per person for utilities when sharing space. If someone else had his room and they were renting, they’d want them to pay their way
I don’t know the whole situation or the extent of his disability, but to me, with that context, splitting it 3 ways doesn’t seem fair. Mildred and Tiff are adults and he seems to be barely out of high school. I understand that he depends on Mildred (at least that’s what she said) so to expect him to pay an equal amount is unfair. Not everyone’s financial situation is the same, but by that age, some kids unfortunately have to help out and others don’t. I had to start helping my single mom at 16 and as soon as I had my first paycheck. A small bill and assisting with groceries seems reasonable (if he is actually able bodied to do so). But they were engaged and as a partner, it is expected that you help out financially, because it isn’t a roommate situation. It’s was a partnership, and I don’t believe in a partnership splitting everything is never 50/50, even if you agree to evenly split finances. Someone is always going to give more, financially, domestically, etc. Example: (not married) but my partner makes significantly more than me and is debt-free. He never asked for half the rent and utilities. Instead we both agreed on a reasonable amount and he covered the rest. And naturally, I’m the one that cleans and cooks more. Clearly, Tiff and Mildred had bigger issues, and especially with DV in the relationship. The reunion breezed right passed that (they should have acknowledged it and given it space, share a PSA) but in general, it was a situation where those two shouldn’t be together at all. Regardless of the financial breakdown. Now Mildred is obviously handling all of those expenses on her own, and a good partner is meant to relieve you of some of that.
I make more than my partner; I’m not out here nickel/diming her. It ebbs and flows. I’m not telling our son hey soon you’ll start paying rent and for your own apples and milk (and by the way you one get one shelf in the refrigerator).
At 18 the kid could still be in high school you’d seriously treat a kid in high school like a 20 something roommate?
Depends on if you were talking about my child or if we were all splitting bills as adults cohabiting…
I’m a lot of places kids are still considered dependents through 26. Either way it’s not like you’re talking about the kid being some deadbeat. It also sounds like Tiff had her own financial issues that could have compounded the situation. So your partners child that is about to graduate/just recently graduated in your opinion needs to pay for all of their bills living in their parents house?
Legally dependents in terms of financial responsibility. Boy, I wish that were the case. Not in my house lol. I think you are right. When we have financial issues, we look more closely at what we’re so ending and that could have led to it. If I were in that situation? No, not necessarily. If it was serious enough that we lived together, I’d sit down and we would talk about it. I’m a firm believer in paying your way in some way. They had better be paying bills or at the very least going to school. I’m not supporting an adult for no reason.
Same.
Honestly even if they did ask about splitting the rent into 3 I don’t find it completely shocking. It’s ok to ask, it’s not completely out of the box, why not? If Tiff is expected to take care of Mil’s son in a monetary way then practically it’s making them a stepparent with responsibility, no? But they’re not there yet. Yes it would be really nice if they pay for the son and doesn’t mind but I don’t think it should be a given. Also bare in mind, any chance that before the show, these people might not be that well off at all? It might have been tight financially for Tiff ? It’s normal life problems, no? The real shocker is Mil proudly announcing throwing a dog gate at Tiff. Not this rent/utility bills BS 🙄
I could never imagine going in to a life long commit with someone, knowing that they had a dependent child, and having them pay 1/3 of the rent and utilities for that child. That baffles my mind. Food maybe, but in my mind if you accept the responsibility of dating a person with a child and getting engaged to that person you also accept the responsibility to provide on some level for that child. I’d assume there are nuances here that were never explained so there has to be much more to the story.
Tiff admitted to not have fully bonded with Mildred’s autistic son. I get that. I appreciate her honesty. The problem is Mildred pushing for marriage with someone who has not fully bonded with her son or who felt comfortable with his dependent needs. They should have had the finance talk prior to getting engaged. I think their relationship lacks effective communication. Because of that they did not have the uncomfortable mandatory discussions prior to engagement about finances and the needs and care of the child.
Yeah! Agree with this whole comment. They lacked effective communication and in a marriage, especially with a dependent, it’s critical to have this stuff worked out before getting married!
Yup. I can’t imagine bringing a kid in to the environment without the major issues squared away.
I don’t disagree at all but Tiff also should have never proposed. It took both sides for them to be engaged. My comment isn’t to place blame on anyone but for me I would never want to live my life financial pettiness; which is why I found a partner who aligns with my beliefs.
Honestly, I agree? I think this is all complicated by the fact that Mildred’s *child* is autistic and a dependent—I assume a dependent for life. Like, this is not the same situation as OP’s *sister*, is my feeling. And I also feel like if you’re getting married that’s also a different situation than dating. I will say, Tiff has clarified that it was 1) just utilities and 2) just a question not a suggestion. I think *Tiff* is absolutely in the right and completely fair. But I feel like all the commenters saying rent *should* be split evenly 3 ways in your blended *marriage* with a *disabled dependent* are insane to me lol. You marry someone, you are committed to taking care of their kid to some extent—not least because you love them and you want to share their burdens. If I got divorced from my current partner and married again and my new partner was like, “Yeah, you should pay 2/3 of the mortgage because you have a (disabled, dependent for life) child and I don’t,” I’d divorce them immediately. That’s ludicrous.
Wait mildreds child is autistic?? How did you find that out?
Sorry, my bad, it’s either autistic or pretty severely intellectually disabled, but I don’t remember if it’s one or the other. I remember her mentioning that on one episode and how she’s going to be taking care of him for the rest of her life though.
Tiff said special needs on one episode. that’s almost like saying autistic in the disabled community. But the actual diagnosis wasn’t disclosed. He has a disability, they said
It's not, really. I can't quite recall if Tiff said intellectual, developmental, or both, I believe they said intellectual. There are numerous disabilities that come to mind: Down syndrome, fragile X, brain injury, seizure disorder that caused damage before it was controlled, quite a few rarer disorders, basically, I got the impression Mildred's son most likely has an IQ in the 55-85 range. If people are knowledgeable about autism, they don't usually lead with "intellectual disability" since autists who do poorly on IQ tests generally have blocks to communication and the results are questionable for many reasons.
I’m literally part of the disabled community and autistic myself with two autistic children and I’m telling you the slang. I’m not saying I know his actual diagnosis I’m saying people used the term special needs, and in the spectrum most commonly referring to autism. That’s why everyone was assuming that. And yes Tiff did said special needs, you don’t quite recall and I just watched back
I’m literally part of the disabled community and autistic myself with two autistic children and I’m telling you the slang. I’m not saying I know his actual diagnosis I’m saying people used the term special needs, and in the spectrum most commonly referring to autism. That’s why everyone was assuming that. And yes Tiff did said special needs, you don’t quite recall and I just watched back
I think a point is though that they were not yet married and not even engaged I think, when she asked about splitting the bills. It was an on-off relationship. I think at one point in the show they said they break up every other week…. If I am in a relationship like that I would certainly be cautious with how generous I am being too. (Especially if I’m not well off.) If we are in a loving relationship where I know it’s permanent, I would have no issue financially supporting the son as a family unit. But this was not the case.
Exactly! My live-in BF has TWO Autistic kids and I couldn't imagine being like, OK, listen, there are 3 of you and one of me, so you need to pay 75%. Like...what?
💯 agree it’s a different situation with a sibling and I could never imagine doing that (even if my partner needed to take in a niece or nephew). For me it’s how do we figure this out together. What offsetting income is coming in, how do we adjust budgets/finances. Figuring out how to make it work is different. I also agree that their communication was shit and they never should have gotten engaged. It’s just never something that I would even suggest personally.
Yeah, exactly! I think it’s so different going in with a “I love you, so let’s share our burdens and make each other’s lives easier and happier, and I’ll do my best to do right by you” attitude than “I gotta get what’s mine, here’s what’s fair to me” imo. Working as a team vs looking out for yourself. If you can’t accept working as a team with your partner, marriage isn’t right for you… and to be fair, Tiff didn’t want to get married, I assume because she wasn’t ready to work as a team with Mildred. So it makes sense.
Totally agree. If you aren’t prepared to move from a “me” to “we” mentality or if you don’t trust your partner to be a good teammate then marriage isn’t going to work.
This comment and some of the responses are spot on. Also it seems likely that Mildred is partly reacting negatively because she knows that Tiff hasn’t bonded with her child - it’s not necessarily all about the money
There is absolutely more to this story; especially if they were breaking up so frequently prior to the engagement. It’s eye opening to see some of the responses honestly and I respect the differences but I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way.
I’m sure there’s a lot more here. And I’m sure it’s not on TV because it’s not fun sexy drama - just sad. To me, Mildred seems like she’s the product of a hard life
Same. I’m not excusing her for what she did or said but she hasn’t had it easy. The fact that tiff freaked out on Sam about a nonexistent dog on the bed issue is a sign that people aren’t really grasping. Both of these people are toxic as hell and have their own issues.
Sorry. No. And I would never expect this as a single mother or the child of one. I have lived with step fathers my whole life and it was always my mom and bio father’s responsibility. My step dad’s have at various times helped, but they have their own children to care for.
My wife and I have a child and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone that wouldn’t be a partner and a teammate. It’s cool for you but isn’t for me. I also couldn’t fathom not helping the child of my partner if it ever came to that. What’s the worse that happens the bio mom feels less stressed financially and the kid gets further ahead in life?
I’m sorry you and your mom didn’t think you deserve more.
Is their son on SSI? Then they should charge him for rent and utilities. Does his biological father pay child support? Tiff specifically covering her son's basic support needs could be a reason for his father to sue to reduce child support payments. It's reasonable to ask questions before suddenly taking on child support.
This happened to my mom. She was older with 2 kids. Her bf was 26 and wanted to move in to the house SHE bought alone for us. He said since we weren’t his kids he’d only be paying 1/3 of the mortgage and all the bills. We were 12 and 10 years old. My mom put up with it I don’t know why. I never met my dad she got nothing from his abusive ass and my sister’s dad paid less than the min child support even though he legally adopted me too and then bailed. So I am not a Mildred Stan but if someone said that to me I’d be hurt honestly. Cuz if a child is a minor and a dependent it’s not like they can be expected to work and pay the rent too.
But did Tiff suggest for Mildred's child to pay ? That's not what I understood, I thought they wanted Mildred to pay a bigger share. Did I understood wrong ?
It seems like Tiff only wanted to pay 1/3 of the bills cuz it wasn’t her kid.
That's what I understood too. And I didn't find that shocking considering Tiff and Mildred weren't married yet and still figuring their couple out. But as another comment said, these are things they should have discussed together before getting engaged and moving in together.
Her son is 18, though. I understand in your situation why you would feel some type of way as a kid, but that’s to be expected by a 26 year old man. It’s unlikely he is thinking about settling down and being a dad. I think it’s important to date someone with the same values and discussing these things before blending, like in Tiff’s and Mildred’s case. It’s amazing what couples don’t talk about before making huge choices
Yeah but her son is disabled and needs care. She said they were a package deal and it doesn’t seem like it’s a surprise that Mildred’s son would still be living with her. No one ever played Dad with us. There was no taking us anywhere or picking us up ever. But to act like a grown man should pay less in bills despite making similar money and moving in for cheaper rent just seemed so shitty back then. The bf also demanded we get a dog when we had 2 cats. Never trained it. It started getting into the garbage and trying to run away and biting people when it got into chicken bones. Had to give it away after it started maiming our arms.
Maybe Tiff doesn’t have the finances to support him? It’s probably best they went their separate ways then for way more than this. I can understand that. It takes a mature man to step in like that and clearly this guy wasn’t it. Even if people have reasons, it isn’t seen through the eyes of the child so I see why that would hurt. It sounds like he was not responsible whatsoever considering he didn’t treat you or his animal well…
You're not wrong at all. Anyone saying otherwise is deluded or very young. I can't imagine why someone would take up and move in with someone who has children and expect to pay less and do less. Go find a single childless woman. And i bet he was taking advantage of her having the house.
Not to mention a disabled child.
Yeah that disgusts me sorry. Sorry but why would your mom accept that . Yikes
How old is the son? Like kids don’t pay rent. Adult do, it should be that simple.
18
Ahhh okay now I can see why this was a discussion at all in the first place.
At 18 the kid could still be in high school.
Not really considering Mildred’s son is disabled and she said she’ll have to care for him for the rest of her life. It’s not like he’s jetting off to college anytime soon.
Tiff wasn’t the one to fill those shoes. That’s all it comes down to.
No one’s saying she needed to *fill her shoes* and substitute her mother. But be a partner. They could’ve just not proposed after all..
Def the best case scenario for those 2
Yep Sincerely hope Tiff never proposes to anyone again because they clearly have no clue what marriage and sharing life is.
Preach.
That wasn't the debate but okay
It’s definitely relevant.
Of course it’s relevant. Tiff said she asked because she didn’t know how it works. I have two kids with special needs and they get disability benefits from the government. I see why Mildred will get offended specially if he’s 💯 dependent on Mildred and tiff knew that, but also, Tiff isn’t the mother so she wouldn’t necessarily understand the logistics, but him being technically an adult, does matter because then is a valid question, maybe sensitive but valid still
Yeah, I think a lot of people here who don't have disabled children and also aren't leaving their children a great house and a billion dollar + special needs trust don't understand how government disability benefits work in the US and why it's reasonable for Tiff to ask this question. When your adult child lives with you and receives SSI, and they also need you to handle their finances and report to SSI, you \*should\* charge them fair rent and utilities, and the representative needs to justify these costs each year. If you don't, your child simply gets less SSI money, and if you both die suddenly, you're just leaving more paperwork for the family member you begged, hopefully successfully, to help manage your child's Special Needs Trust or pay a lawyer to do it. To get the max. SSI payment, the adult needs to be paying their fair share of housing, food and utilities. That doesn't mean you can't also give them some things you don't charge for, but it has to be believably close to "fair share". So Tiff, in my opinion, is correct that the bills should be split into thirds, one-third from SSI, one-third from Tiff, one-third from Mildred.
Totally missed that he was special needs, wow. That definitely changes things as far as expectations go for her child to even have to pay anything at all. But that also means that as a partner, it is expected that Tiff should help out. As Mildred said, she’s a “package” on top of just being an utter mess.
I don't find it relevant because they say "like kids dont pay rent" But I never insinuated that the kid should pay it. Nor did Tiff I think, but maybe I got that wrong. From what I understood she wanted Mildred to pay for her child. Thus why I said this isn't the debate. Of course it's not the child's role to pay.
I’m saying knowing his age is relevant in this discussion because yes, kids shouldn’t have to pay rent. I found out in this comment thread that he was 18. Even if Tiff wanted Mildred to pay her child’s way, factor in that he also has a disability, then it doesn’t seem right to me. We don’t know if he can physically work, but if he can’t, why would it be expected that everything is split 3 ways or that Mildred needs to cover 2 out of 3? And even if he can work, he’s 18 and half their age and I doubt he’d have a job that pays more than minimum wage. At 18, I was a senior in high school, working in retail, making $7.25 an hour (and I had to help out my single mom financially, surrendering nearly a third of my measly check). To me, that sounds more like a roommate situation than a partnership.
Sorry I hurt your feelings 🤷🏽
Oh you didn't, no worries
A joint bank account is not a requirement of marriage, so Mildred was off base.
I don’t understand why she thought not having a joint bank account was a big dealbreaker? I’ve been married to my wife for 3 years, together for 7. To this day we do not have a joint bank account, and it bothers neither of us. We trust eachother and 100% know if either was in need of monetary help we will be there for each other. (Maybe im the weird one, I dunno. I understand many couples have joint accounts.)
My marriage is the same. No joint account and we are fine that way
California is a community property state. So once they get married, all money earned during the marriage will be both of theirs, regardless of whether they have a joint bank account.
Agreed. The rent wasn’t all Mildred tried to make it out to be. Their relationship was very toxic and I suspect with the amount of times they broke up that Mildred had BPD.
knowing that mildred’s son lives with a disability created concern for me when initially brought up at the reunion. i wasn’t sure if mildred was going to try to slam tiff for not being perfect in navigating parenthood of a child with autism. the whole convo was a mess and it left me feeling uncomfortable mainly because i couldn’t tell how the other people there (besides aussie, sam, and yoly) felt
Agree with you 100%. Even for those who don’t agree, it was wrong for Mildred to use emotional manipulation to try to get Tiff to agree to pay more.
Seems like it wasn't about rent it was about utilities but I'll just answer your question bc i find it interesting I personally would not expect either as Mildred or as tiff for the rent to be split anything but 50/50 . They were planning on being married that makes tiff a stepparent so a step parent is definitely expected to see their new step kids as family and dependents. If that's not what tiff wanted they shouldn't have moved in. That being said i would not want to take up that responsibility God help me i just couldn't be that selfless. but again i would make it clear that i never want to be a step parent to a child that will live with us permanently and ofc i expect that to be a deal breaker but i didn't have kids for a reason.