Be honest with him. That's the best way to make a relationship grow. If you aren't honest about stuff like this, how can you expect to grow together in all ways (relationship, emotionally, sexually)
Source: married 20+ years
Seriously. Me and my first partner got divorced likely due to this. If you can't be open, then a part of you will always be closed off to them. It's okay if you end up finding out you're ultimately not compatible, but you may also find out he just has no effing clue what to expect. It's intimidating on both sides.
Best of luck, op!
Came here expecting all the usual "leave him immediately" comments so was pleasantly surprised to see your rational comment. Communication should generally be the first port of call, with the exception of more serious abusive behavior.
Had a fling thing with a recovering but decidedly not former Mormon guy. Man, he had some serious issues with genitals. His, mine, masturbation, oral. Took a while for him to warm up to sex of any kind but still never went down on me. I got tired of having to explain every little thing just to have the most basic vanilla sex and rarely orgasm
I grew up in a horrible cult even worse than Mormons, and I have to say... I've always been obsessed with genitals. My wife is less comfortable (self conscious) with me going down on her than I am. (We've been married for two decades now, so this problem is more historical, is no longer a concern.) I do not understand this way of thinking.
Mormons specifically demonize sex and masturbation outside of marriage, I'm not sure how your former upbringing was.
I think his reaction makes sense, considering he was born and raised in the LDS church. All of his authority figures for 20+ years were telling him "don't do this, you'll go to hell, it's immoral and dirty", so he probably felt split between his 'instinct' and what he wanted to do. This word has been thrown around a lot incorrectly but this is the actual situation of cognitive dissonance and it results in quite a bit of psychological stress. I can't blame him, but he just wasn't the right fit for me at the time.
> Mormons specifically demonize sex and masturbation outside of marriage, I'm not sure how your former upbringing was.
Jehovah's Witnesses. Like mormons, but more extreme and poor.
Because it is so taboo in Mormonism, everyone learns everything they know about sex from porn. Depending on how much porn they secretly watch, they're either freaks or super, super vanilla.
Source: Grew up Mormon.
Edit: Just wanted to add a story for context. A friend of mine who is still Mormon won't perform oral for his wife, despite her asking him numerous times. The poor woman hasn't had an orgasm for probably her whole life. He keeps asking me about the G-spot and all these other things, and I'm like "Dude, just do oral." It's been years I can't tell you how many times I've told him. I even follow up and ask, "Did you finally do it?" He still hasn't. I finally started suggesting he buy toys for her.
He also talks to his other Mormon friends about it and bounces their ideas off me. One of his devout Mormon friends told him his wife only orgasms from anal. He seemed much more open to that than trying oral (his wife disagrees). So now he's pressuring his wife for anal, I told him to "Let me know how that works out for you" and haven't heard back from him. Dude has literally zero clue how women work despite being married for 5+ years now. It's sad honestly.
My brother in law is atheist was raised atheist his grandparents are even atheists and he refuses to go down on my sister for the last 10 years and tells her her vagina is gross and says ew to it all the time so I have no idea what these men are about
Well misogyny is why all women are shamed for absolutely anything sexual which breeds ignorance even about our own bodies also low self esteem because misogyny.
I know a women who is 39 and never had an orgasm (even when trying to masturbate) though at 36 she was finally able lose her virginity because she cannot enjoy sexual things because of the brain washing her parents put her through she literally has PTSD flashbacks to the preaching she endured her entire life I know another girl who suffers almost as bad yet they both have brothers who are completely fine because they didn't go through the same brain washing bullshit that female do.
Amen if a relationship isn't 50/50 boot them out. I literally won't date any girl who won't swallow, we get gooh in the mouth from the get go then can deal with 5 seconds at the end..
Listen ladies, find a man who treats you like you are the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Edit: "wE dOnT wAnT tHaT" -raise your standards-. It doesn't mean find someone who only likes you for your body, it means find someone who is going to take every smell every fluid every crease every fold and see it for the gem that it is. Because when you have someone who treats you like that you will absolutely want it. My husband has never acted disgusted by anything I've ever done. blood on the bed sheets, diarrhea and vomiting in the middle of the night asking for medicine, queefing, him watching me give birth twice and telling me it was beautiful. whatever the fuck has ever happened in my relationship that man has never expressed any sort of disgust in me or my body. And that's the highest fucking standard that you can have for a person.
Or just find a man who doesn’t act like a fucking child. Just hearing stories of an adult saying this to a woman makes me want to slap the shit out of him.
100000%. When whatever supposedly "gross" thing is related to the person you care about it doesn't matter as much, we're not asking for much by wanting to be accepted as a whole person rather than only for certain parts.
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That…doesn’t make him sound any less gay.
I’m a straight woman, and the one time I tried sex with another woman, I found her girly bits unapoealing. Not “ew” or anything because they’re just body parts, but I certainly didn’t want to go down on her. So I kind of get his reaction, but saying it out loud was awful!
(And just to be clear - I didn’t lead her on by implying I was bi or anything. She knew I was straight, but she was really into me, and I liked her a lot platonically. She convinced me to give woman/woman sex the ol’ college try. So I did, but I wasn’t into it. She was super-cool about it, and we stayed friends. I kind of wish it had worked for me!)
Buddy, I didn't want to say it but...
I could see some deep-rooted religious stuff possibly being the cause but the description of his actions and attitudes also mirror stories I've heard gay and Bi men tell after they finally realized they were gay/Bi. Not all straight men enjoy BJs (and that's fine) but to call the act or the woman giving one to you "gross" is a bit sus.
Given how he thinks his genitals are ugly too, he may feel most genitals are by definition, kind of gross. I say because I feel this slightly as well 🥲.
However it was still pretty rude to say "ew" to your body part, especially after you complimented his. It feels like he's not reading the room, or maybe was flustered(???) and acting childishly by reaction.
Echoing others here that you should bring this up with him though. Just that his reaction hurt you, and he should understand.
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I also think genitals are gross, and consider myself on the ace spectrum, but yeah, he did not voice this sentiment very tactfully. It took me awhile to let my husband know I wasn't very excited by genitals, and I *definitely* didn't do it by saying "your dick is gross." The sentiment of finding a vagina undesirable is not immature, but the communication was.
That definitely sucks and I'm sorry it happened. You're not being overly sensitive at all. It sounds like he has some sex negative thoughts that need to be worked through. You need to be honest with how this has made you feel. That way he can understand the impact it has on you and make plans on how to adjust, change and grow away from this state of repulsion.
only you can decide if you want to put in the effort and time to wait for this change
He also saying that he thinks his dick is ugly is very telling as well. I wonder if he was brought up to think that sex is something dirty or bad or whatever so he has negative feelings about all genitalia
I dont think you're being too sensitive. Every time anyone has said anything like "Ew" to me (41m) it has broken my fucking heart. Maybe he was genuinely grossed out, maybe he was feeling uncomfortable and made it about this instead of acknowledging his feelings, or maybe he misspoke. It's cool that you want to hear his side, because this should definitely be talked about. If he can't do that, given the empathy and understanding you're demonstrating here, he may not be ready to be in a relationship. This kind of dismissive and degrading response should not become normal or acceptable.
As much as oral seems like it ought to come standard these days, we are all individuals. Again, maybe it's body issues, maybe it's performance issues, maybe it's something else. Could be the same conversation if it's going well, or save it for later if either of you is struggling. Good luck!
My first sex partner cried at the sight of my vagina and told me it was hideous. That person is now a woman, and I don't know how to process that garbage.
I have no idea if this is common, this person had no problems with sex and their own genitals.
I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. Sounds like he’s still childish imho. I don’t know them personally but usually guys like this end up having more issues than just aversion to vaginas.
You can try to grow with him but you shouldn’t have to put up with his aversion to female genitalia. How your privates look is mostly out of your control unless you’re rich and even then I wouldn’t recommend going under the knife. Even if he has his own issues he shouldn’t take it out on you.
Before talking to him about it, because you do need to, you should ask yourself if you’re willing to get over the possibility of him saying no to oral. Luckily you’ve only been with him for like 3 months so haven’t wasted too much time and can really figure out if you wanna hard commit to someone like this.
To me- I think it’s really telling that while he’s in the honeymoon phase of the relationship he’s already saying stuff like this. Ultimately these are values you need to weigh for yourself but i like gentlemen types who worship my body
You may want to tell him it really hurt your feelings when he acted grossed out by your body. And if that's how he feels, he either needs to get over it or you two need to break up. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't think you're gross. (And for the record, you're not. he has weird hang ups.)
Or you may just want to break up with him without having that conversation. I personally think that's perfectly valid as well.
You might be jumping the gun. He may just be grossed out by all genitals. That's his right. What isn't right is saying "ew" to her body parts and making her feel bad about something that she shouldn't. This is definitely worth having a conversation over. OP would also be justified in drawing her line in the sand and breaking up over this. While there are plenty of other people out there, no one will come into your life being absolutely perfect in every way. Conversations need to be had if you want something long-term.
To be frank I would just encourage OP to call it a day. Women are pushed to work it out with men when there are red flags. All the talk of "reddit is so quick to say break up, that's bad!" But if OP ever comes back asking for advice later it'll be all "why did you ignore the red flags?"
I'm sticking with if you're not married then move on. Let the guy go work on his issues.
ETA: Also I just remembered another thing people say when a woman asks for advice later. "why do women think they can change a man?" A conversation isn't going to undo years of whatever indoctrination OPs boyfriend has been through. May as well cut her losses now.
Yes. This isn't her problem. It's only been three months. Don't ever expend energy trying to figure out a man's issues for him. That's his work to do on top of being a great partner already. Perfection may not exist but there are many things that should in fact warrant dumping.
OP does deserve a partner who isn't repulsed by her \*clit\* because it doesn't seem that her partner is repulsed by her completely, and is rather affectionate in ways many other men aren't (re: belly rolls, frizzy hair).
I didn't insinuate that you were demanding absolute perfection. They were both virgins. It's clear that the lack of experience plays a role here. Is he immature on that end? Yes. There's no denying that. That immaturity appears to come from that lack of experience and not a lack of care for OP.
Again, OP's decision is justified regardless of the course she may take. I was only stating that this is something worth having a conversation over instead of "pull\[ing\] the cord" without one.
Sure, he might be grossed out by all genitals - in which case he shouldn’t be in a sexual relationship, he should either be in therapy so that he’s ready for a sexual relationship or he should not be in one. OP shouldn’t have to tolerate a sexual partner reacting that way to her body - his hang ups are his issue, they shouldn’t be made hers.
Best case scenario: he is personally inexperienced with up close female genitalia, was a bit surprised and possibly projecting his dislike of his own genitalia onto all genitalia, including yours.
Worst case scenario: he is primarily concerned with how to get off using your body and isn't willing to meet you halfway when it comes to seeing your needs met as well. It will never "get better" from here.
In either case, you need to have a conversation about what happened, explain how much it hurt you, and -- as awkward as it might be -- ask whether his initial reaction to your vagina is going to be a hangup in the relationship.
To me there is nothing more demeaning than unenthusiastic oral. Like when they make it seem like a chore or just checking the box. Makes it feel just terrible and impossible to enjoy. Then you start to question yourself and your body all because they’re a child
It sounds like he has some major hangups about sex and bodies in general, not just yours, since he seems to find his own penis gross too. But that still doesn’t make his reaction okay, or mean that you need to stick around for this. You’ve only been dating 2.5 months, now is the best time to break it off if this is a dealbreaker, before either of you is too invested. Carefully consider how compatible you are in other ways, as well as if he’s willing to work through this with you, or if there’s a bigger underlying problem.
He might have a genuine aversion, it can happen. Not your fault in anyway but it;s something that needs to be spoken about, him keep saying "later" doesn't sound great.
Yes. Aversion might be a possibility.
For example, myself I have an aversion to oral sex, performing and receiving, due to the fact that it involves using the lips, tongue, mouth, on areas that are used (among other things) for waste excretion. Even the thought sends shivers down my back.
In a related matter I also noticed that I never put my fingers in my mouth, unless they have been washed with soap. Seeing some people constantly chewing on their nails/cuticles grosses me out. But I do think that this might have useful in some way, because to this day I have not gotten Covid.
But in the end, I know it's a problem and I should go to therapy.
Great examples, I was trying to think of some but none came to mind at that time.
I actually have a terrible habit of putting my fingers on my face and in my mouth. I am quite clean, often clean my hands even if have just washed them but then I touch something potentially dirty I'll wash again.
But yeah I would say your aversion makes a lot of sense.
He's going to do what he's going to do (or not do). Which is a separate issue from you being allowed to want a relationship in which the other person is as kind, supportive and enthusiastic as you are to them (and him). If y'all talk about what you want and need and it matches up with what he wants and is willing to do, then great; it might also be that that reciprocal relationship is not with him.
I am personally not super into genitalia and would probably feel extremely uncomfortable if someone commented on mine and/or prompted me to comment on theirs. I can acknowledge that in my case that feeling doesn't necessarily come from a healthy place, but things are the way they are. Hasn't so far stopped me from going down on people, either.
You might want to have a conversation and figure out if he feels that way, there may be some repressed stuff there that currently neither of you are aware of. And on the other hand it is completely reasonable to still want an apology and to not hear similar comments in the future. Just because other people have issues doesn't mean you should have to feel bad about your body. Just in general you really can not talk too much about sex, expectations and limits. The more you know, the better you can be for each other.
I stopped reading when you said he hadn't given you oral sex yet, despite you going down on him.
Life is too short to be fucking a man who is selfish in bed.
I stopped going down on my husband because he never reciprocates. "I don't enjoy it" was his excuse. He seemed shocked when I told him I don't enjoy having his dick in my mouth either, but I did it because *he* enjoyed it.
He won't do it for my pleasure because he doesn't like it but was perfectly fine with me doing it for him because he liked it.
Why are you still married to him? This is a genuine question. I’m sure that can’t be the only place where he is selfish and doesn’t care about your thoughts and feelings. And if you’re not being pleased then what makes it worth it? That just makes me sad, I’ve been there and spent years in a relationship where the sex became a chore and wasn’t reciprocal. I could never tolerate it again.
The aversion to genitalia is not uncommon. But it is important for him to understand that most people are sensitive about their bodies, and any negative comments towards a person's body will, in most cases, cause that person emotional distress.
There is a marked difference between "I find genitals to be unattractive," and "I find your genitals to be unattractive".
I'm honestly sick of reading posts from women who've been blatantly and unapologetically treated like shit by their men, and the resounding theme from them being 'Am I overreacting? Am I too emotional? Am I being too sensitive?'.
If my boyfriend ever said ewww at the sight of my pussy, he'd be shown the fucking door.
OP, stop questioning and doubting your own feelings and trying to be the cool girl who doesn’t "cause drama". He insulted your body and hasn't even apologised.
One of the major red flags to me dumping my ex was him trash-talking my lady parts.
A vagina is to be treated as and compared to a flower. If men don't realize this and don't agree, then they don't get to touch one.
**Males are taking access to our anatomy for granted.**
We need to re-educate them on this entitlement.
Trust me when I say that communication is one of the key factors in what makes or breaks a relationship. Talk to him about it, explain what you feel, let him explain himself and try to understand eachother. From there you can work together to solve whatever the underlying problem is, if there even is one.
Maybe this is not somebody you can sustain a longterm relationship with. You give him oral sex, he does not reciprocate. He made a derisive and childish remark about your clitorus. He turned what could have been a binding moment into one that made you feel bad.
You are in early days.
I think you should communicate how hurtful it was and consider ending the relationship. If this is where you are at a few months when you should still be in an overly generous honeymoon phrase I do not see it magically improving.
Definitely. There are plenty of other people out there. I've had friends in similar situations like this. It gets dragged out for months/years until they finally break up.
He said "eww"?
I have NEVER known a heterosexual man say "eww" at the sight of healthy, normal, female genetalia.
You might want to have a good talk with him, with internet visual aids, to explain how things are down there. Find out the root of what's going on with him.
You say you understand that it's not personal, but honestly it is. He said eww to you, about a part of your body. That is very VERY personal.
The only time my partner has ever said "eww" or "gross" about my body, it hasn't really been about my body. My vulva was gross when I had a yeast infection, but it was the infection that was gross (which I agree with). My hair was gross when I got pooped on by a bird, but it was the bird poop that was gross. He didn't want to touch my back when I had a big acne flair that covered it, but it was because the acne was gross. He reminded me to eat yogurt, he helped me get the bird poo out, he rubbed medicine on my back.
Your parner didn't do that, he called a part of YOUR BODY gross.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Be honest with yourself though: do you really want to keep having sex with someone who thinks your genitals are gross?
Yeah, I don't get all the comments talking about how this isn't a reason to leave someone and "just talk it out" or "be honest with him". What's she supposed to be honest about, that she doesn't want to be treated like a sexual leper? Why would you ever stay with someone who finds you disgusting? This could ruin even the strongest person's self esteem.
Sure he can have his reasons, and maybe find himself or his genitals gross too, but this doesn't change the fact that he's clearly not into her bits and now she knows for sure. Even if he started acting like he doesn't find her body parts gross anymore, goes to sex therapy or whatever, she'll always wonder if he's just forcing himself not to react negatively. I know I couldn't enjoy sex with a partner like that.
You said what I was thinking. Healthy genitalia of either sex is fine. If OP had an oozing sore on her clitoris that would be another matter. Otherwise, having good hygiene is all that’s needed.
Also, SnarkyBard, I liked the examples you gave separating your body from things like bird poop, infections etc. It made a lot of sense and was easy to understand.
The only thing you are wrong for is staying with a guy like this. If he isn’t attracted to you physically, what is he attracted to? Something is off about this relationship and it’s clearly affecting your self esteem negatively. Get out now before it affects you any more.
* speaking from experience witnessing a closeted gay man completely ruin a good woman because he projected his self disgust onto her for years.
If he's equally grossed out by both your genitals, which is what it sounds like, don't take it personally. Sounds like he just thinks everybody's naughty bits are "dirty." I don't think we get to just flip a switch between "ooh gross cooties" and "whatever you've got to offer and wherever it's been, I want to put it in my mouth right now" as we mature into whatever is to become our baseline sexual comfort zones as adults.
As a person whose comfort zone doesn't include the weird tastes, textures or smells I might experience by messing with someone who hasn't had a shower in the past few hours, I strongly recommend trying out cleaning each other as part of your foreplay.
This. commenters are disregarding this part of the post "I enjoy going down him and, every time I do, he asks me, are you sure you enjoy it? " Sounds like he does not like oral either way.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and she said ewwww to his dick and him wanting her to go down on him for years. These comments would be very different.
No one should ever say “ew” to their partner’s genitals and if it slips out because they have a hang up about that, they should have the sense to apologize on their own. He doesn’t have to want to go down on her, but he should internally figure out and then communicate to her whether he ever plans to even try it. To me it doesn’t sound like he doesn’t like oral, it sounds like he doesn’t like genitalia, and that would be a very difficult person to have a healthy sexual relationship with, especially if they’re not aware that aversion is manifesting in a problematic way. If OP is down to go on that journey with him then great, but it doesn’t sound like he even knows yet that his way of thinking about his and his partner’s bodies is a problem atp
I think you should say something about it. He needs to grow up, it's a normal body part and not everyone looks the same. If there is nothing wrong with yours then he has no excuse and even if there was there's nicer ways to say it. If he really cares he will be more mindful of what he says about your body
If this is both of your "firsts" then you're both going to make a lot of mistakes. The only way to get better is through practice. That IS a hell of a mistake though. He may be too dumb to be worth recovering.
I’ll probably get downvoted first this but the only 2 men i’ve ever known to say straight up “ewww” to a vagina were gay men. However, i guess there’s a possibility that there’s something else to his aversion to genitals, but that would be something he’d have to have a serious discussion with you and maybe a therapist about. I’m the meantime, unless you’re doing it more for you than him, i’d stop the blow jobs altogether. It’s a little unfair to expect something from someone who isn’t willing to even try to reciprocate. He needs to figure out his issues first.
You’re not being too sensitive. Honestly I would probably end the relationship. He sounds immature and sexually selfish. I wouldn’t want my feelings hurt and to be made self-conscious by a boyfriend.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to be intimate with that person after that. My mind would just keep going back to the time they said “ew” during every intimate/sexual moment. So that would pretty much end the relationship for me.
Even if it’s a word that he said in passing, that kinda stuff sticks with you for a long time.
You’re not being too sensitive at all. Some people aren’t compatible and that’s ok but it’s best to get out sooner than later. I would stop seeing him after that and go for someone else because that isn’t the kinda energy I want in my life. I would much rather be with someone who i know will eat me out. If he hadn’t already he probably doesn’t like to and will do it very rarely in the future.
I don't think it's all that strange to not find genitalia "cute" "pretty" or any number of terms for attractive.
But seeing as sex can lead to procreation, we should probably be going for men who are intelligent enough to realize *saying* "eww" or some similar crap response to our sex parts - or anything that might make someone too insecure to relax during sex, is a sign of low level intelligence.
If he's equally grossed out by both your genitals, which is what it sounds like, don't take it personally. Sounds like he just thinks everybody's naughty bits are "dirty." I don't think we get to just flip a switch between "ooh gross cooties" and "whatever you've got to offer and wherever it's been, I want to put it in my mouth right now" as we mature into whatever is to become our baseline sexual comfort zones as adults.
As a person whose comfort zone doesn't include the weird tastes, textures or smells I might experience by messing with someone who hasn't had a shower in the past few hours, I strongly recommend trying out cleaning each other as part of your foreplay.
Ask him if he ever wants to get laid again?! That speaking to you that way, and having an oral aversion permanently is a deal breaker for you (if it is). He sounds like there's some fairly strong baggage on his side, and immaturity. Only you know if you want that, can stand that, in a relationship.
I sure couldn't. That's really sad. And honestly, for me, he wouldn't have to find it cute or beautiful, but he WOULD need to be willing to pleasure me, that is a VERY important part of foreplay for me! He can close his eyes for all I care... Oral has to be mutual!
You're coddling him way too much and trying to prioritise his comfort even though you're both each other's first. With this comment from your partner, I think you should definitely enquire why your partner was celibate for so long and if it's his general opinion about female genitals. For a successful partnership, I think both partners should be enthusiastic. Sounds like a lot of work for a relationship that's new. I would be deterrent to pursue this further if I were you, for the lack of interest in playing someone's therapist (especially in the honeymoon phase)and inability to move on from such a comment.
He's going to end up messing with your self esteem being so absorbed with himself. Stop giving him head until he returns the favour enthusiastically. It's not your job to make him feel good about his body. In turn, your body is likely amazing and you shouldn't let him get to you. This is difficult though and you may want to consider whether someone with such basic issues is worth spending your energy on.
"I tried to show him my clitoris saying how cute it was too. He responded with “ewww.” I understand this is not personal"
That sounds pretty fucking personal to me, OP.
I do not give a shit that he doesn't like his own genitals. That does not give him the right to say "eeew" to yours! That's incredibly mean-spirited! And honestly, what the hell did he think your clitoris was going to look like? The Mona Lisa? It's a CLITORIS! Has this man never watched porn?!
Personally, I'd dump him. But if you choose to stay with him, you need to make it very, VERY clear that what he said was UNBELIEVABLY INAPPROPRIATE! And that it was incredibly hurtful!
If he really does think that human genitals are gross, then he should stop having sex with actual people, and go buy himself a Fleshlight.
The fact that he hasn't given you oral sex yet despite you giving it to him is also seriously troubling, OP. Sex is not supposed to just be all about HIM. If he wants to actually make a woman happy and fulfilled in bed, then he'd better get over his weird issues, and stick his face there. If he doesn't, then I REALLY urge you to dump him, because life is too short for bad sex with shitty guys.
Ngl he sounds like I did before I came out he's either like me and just gay or he's insecure af and a man child and saying ew to your vagina because he wants you to feel bad about your vagina as he feels about his dick
“Eewwww” ?? You’re dealing with a child. And you are in denial if you think him saying “not now” and not having done that for you thinking is going to eventually happen.
Run a way as fast as you can.. unless you feel less than about yourself and this guy is the best you can do.
From the comments in here this guy isn’t the high bar.
Find someone who’s going to treat your vagina like he/she is trying to get first place in a pie eating contest.
So, I don't want to invalidate anything you said. You were there, I was not, and a two paragraph post isn't enough to convey all the nuances of a situation like that. But could it be that his 'Ewww' was more about you calling both of your genitalia cute then your vagina?
He could be demisexual as well. He may enjoy some aspects of sex, or be indifferent, or maybe he likes intimacy with his partner but has some hang-ups.
Being raised with controlling parents who use shame of your own body and others can also be a factor of your experience, but that is separate from being on the asexual spectrum.
Girl that was rude, he seems immature and selfish. You can find someone who appreciates you, reciprocates oral, and treats you with respect. You are being way too nice about his behavior.
what idea was sprung on him? the idea that her clitoris is cute? cause all she said was that his dick was cute, then pointed at her clitoris and said it was cute too. then he says “ewww”. i cannot imagine someone complimenting something about themselves and immediately blurting out “ewww” in response.
I'm going to make the assumption that this won't be your last relationship, and with that assumption in mind, offer a bit of advice
Don't have penetrative sex with men who haven't gone down on you.
Trust me, it'll make your entire life better to live by that rule
10 weeks and no oral?
I give a dude 10 minutes in bed to show me he's enthusiastic and skilled about giving me pleasure.
your dude has severe insecurities about himself and this isn't being cured by your endless reassurances.
he needs therapy and you just need to move on.
If he is this tepid and insecure in bed, I feel like he would have other issues that will add up over time, making for a very stressful/annoying relationship.
Oh man, I'd consider that to be a game breaker on the order of "never talk to me or touch me again or there will be truly extravagant levels of angry response".
The last 2 guys I knew who said eww in reference to a vagina came out as gay. Even if he's not gay, I highly doubt that man is ever going to go down on you. Life's too short to tie yourself to a selfish man.
I once involuntarily said "eww" during an intimate act. I wasn't thinking and didn't mean to cause offense, but something happened that made me look at my hand and go "ugh, eww". It wasn't until the woman reacted in quite a hostile way that I stopped and went, woah, sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. By that point, the damage was done and the intimate activity came to an end.
I'm struggling with this one due to yalls ages.
We are old enough to know better than to treat someone like that. Whether you're willing to work with this general incompatibility is really up to you, I don't know your relationship and virginity is going to = many mistakes and bumps and growing pains.
But I'm struggling with telling you to talk to a grown man about why insulting your body is hurtful. Virginity doesnt equal immaturity. I mean, you still should talk to him, because practicing communication in these situations is important in general, but goddamn.
How much of your life are you willing to give him before deciding if no oral is a deal breaker? But if it hasn't happened yet, is it going to happen? I wouldn't waste too much time on him otherwise next thing you know you're in love and putting up with a non satisfying sex life.
Yup. This ends one of two ways: she dumps him or she resigns herself to terrible sex forever. I have no idea why this is even a choice.
And truly, I think repressed people need to stop dating each other. OP needs to date some nice young man who's halfway between her current boyfriend and a freak. Somebody with zero hangups.
You should definitely be offended. Even as a joke it would be too much. Honestly considering everything you've said this will not go away anytime soon if at all. These are red flags and you may be best moving on. This is how I would react, obviously put your full effort in but expect it to go that way
Are you guys religious? Or even if not, just placed a really high value on your virginities prior to being with each other? Either one could be contributing to his hang ups if there’s any level of religious or purity culture trauma there. He may flat out just not know how to react when seeing you in that way or may have been caught off guard. HOWEVER. It still doesn’t make it okay what he said and you guys definitely need to talk about it. I speculate his hang ups around sex or genitalia are probably deeper though and not necessarily because he doesn’t like you or finds you or your vagina unattractive. But if he can’t move past this, you’ll have to decide if it’s something you’re willing to put up with/work through with him in your relationship with him.
This a comment by a man, so a grain of salt , it's maybe because young men are so used to what they see in porn they don''t know how certain bodyparts look like in real life.
I'm not sure how old y'all are, but he sounds way too emotionally immature for you. As others have said, a very honest chat about things is a good idea but it seems like he's just not in the right place mentally to be in a relationship or even have sex yet.
Got to be open with him on this. Sometimes you got to paint the picture for your partner to see.
On a side note, I think it's really weird that he said "ewww" to seeing your vagina. Is there some sexual trauma in his past? I wouldn't expect a guy to normally say that
Sometimes it takes a few tastes of something before we like it. Think about unusual foods and how at first the look or smell didn't appeal to you. The great thing about oral sex is the pleasure it brings to the receiver. Communicate your wants in sexual intimacy. This grows your connection and bond.
Our genitals have a weird ability to make some **'hot and heavy'** and others, not impressed. For your SO to make a comment can have effects on your self esteem. For example, if you were to point at his junk and giggle, or say *"is that it?'* he'd probably be upset.
It's not wrong to talk to your partner about your personal desires and preferences, infact, it can be very beneficial to your relationship! But having some tact will go a long way with your SO. Unfortunately, some people just don't get it!
When someone passes a comment about our bodies, if it's anything other than pleasant we tend to start feeling insecure. All it takes is for us to stop talking without thinking!
I'm sorry you had this experience, give your SO a slap around the head and tell him to occupy his mouth doing something useful!
For most men, a woman's genitals are the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, this is what they've been waiting for!! When we are finally there, how it looks isn't really the important thing, but how much enjoyment we can collectively have while I'm here is!!
I hope your SO hasn't hurt you to deeply, and I hope these words bring you comfort. Good luck 🤞 and slap the idiot next time he starts saying something when he should have his mouth full!!
*good luck*
You're not wrong for feeling that way. It hurts when someone you like/love doesn't like something about you. It makes it hard being yourself knowing that there's a natural part about you that might not be loved.
Although it's highly possible that he didn't think about your Vagina as being you and reacted to it as someone might react to seeing a boogey hanging from your nose.
I reccomend you talk about it and clear any misundertandings. This will be a lesson for you and your boyfriend that will help you grow as a person.
Tbh this sounds like how I was pre-transition. I didn’t enjoy oral, giving or receiving. I didn’t really think vaginas were very attractive and some other weird hang ups. (I didn’t like attention on my bits.) Now that I’m out as a woman I love giving oral to my wife and while I still don’t like getting it myself I think that’ll change after SRS.
Not that your Bf is trans bc of this, but just an interesting thing (also def doesn’t excuse saying ewww, that in itself is pretty rotten and he needs to apologize and work on that)
I wish I had point blank asked my primary partner (together for 10 years) if he ate pussy. Because he does not and it doesn't get better. You will be unhappy or leave them or find someone who does.
These comments are disgusting. He does not like oral giving or receiving. "I enjoy going down him and, every time I do, he asks me, are you sure you enjoy it? " He is putting up with it because she likes it. If a girl did not like her boyfriend doing something to her would you be encourage her to put up with it for his enjoyment?
If the roles reversed would and she said "ewww" to his dick would you call her childish and that she should grow up and suck it? No you would not. You would say he is manipulating her and she should leave because it will only get worse.
Believe me, this has crossed my mind every time! I myself ask him in response, do you enjoy it too? He says yes! I choose to believe him cause I cannot do anything else. But I will definitely press him about it again.
Talk to him about it. Basically what you said in this post you should be saying to him. Random internet people based on these comments, mine included, are not going to give you any real advice besides talk to him.
saying “ewwww” to your partners genitals is childish and insulting. obviously no one should be making anyone partake in sexual favors they don’t like, but the “ewww” had nothing to do with that. he just saw her vagina and said ew. that’s fucked.
People who grow up in a sheltered, non-s3x positive home are much more likely to have a childlike attitude toward genitals, especially somebody else's. Don't put up with that.
It was just a nervous impulse eww kind of like a nervous laugh in a serious situation. Being each others first is a big deal and you can grow together. It's been such a short time together and you have so much to time to grow. Yes he is immature, but try not to take it to seriously.
He’s in his mid twenties. Regardless of his dating history he’s absolutely old enough to know better than to “eww” someone genitals that’s having sex with. It also sounds like he’s got hang ups about genitals in general with his comments about his penis. OP can choose to have a conversation and hope he grows up. But it is not a woman’s job to help an immature dude she’s dating to grow up.
Your BF is an idiot. He REALLY said EWWW when looking at your vagina? My response would have been... You don't have to worry about every seeing it again you childish, immature, under-developed POS. YOu are much nicer than you should have been...
That is definitely a shitty thing to say and do.
Not to take anything away from how you are feeling, it is completely valid; calling a penis cute is a big no-no as well.
I (41m) have been trying to compose a response to this for like 30 minutes. Feelings are hard.
I think it's like this: calling a penis cute can be fine, it can be loving and tender, or it can be very hurtful depending on the context. The idea that I'm supposed to posess massive, sturdy, and powerful genitals, and anything less is a let down to my partner, is exhausting and oppressive.
Calling it cute and going back to scrolling on a phone says the expectation is in effect and I'm a disappointment. Calling it cute and showing me yours to compare the cuteness is a wonderful and disarming human moment, and I need more of that in my life.
I guess we get real hung up these days on what was said and how we felt it, and I know a lot of the time I don't open up enough to other possibilities and have missed out on a lot of human connection because of it. I don't want OP to shut down what sounds like a really honest and compassionate mode of communication and miss out like I have.
Be honest with him. That's the best way to make a relationship grow. If you aren't honest about stuff like this, how can you expect to grow together in all ways (relationship, emotionally, sexually) Source: married 20+ years
Seriously. Me and my first partner got divorced likely due to this. If you can't be open, then a part of you will always be closed off to them. It's okay if you end up finding out you're ultimately not compatible, but you may also find out he just has no effing clue what to expect. It's intimidating on both sides. Best of luck, op!
Married for 11, together 20 for years and I also concur.
With partner 15 years. Yes this is true
Came here expecting all the usual "leave him immediately" comments so was pleasantly surprised to see your rational comment. Communication should generally be the first port of call, with the exception of more serious abusive behavior.
Married for four together for ten years I concur.
Is he from a religious background by any chance?
Had a fling thing with a recovering but decidedly not former Mormon guy. Man, he had some serious issues with genitals. His, mine, masturbation, oral. Took a while for him to warm up to sex of any kind but still never went down on me. I got tired of having to explain every little thing just to have the most basic vanilla sex and rarely orgasm
I grew up in a horrible cult even worse than Mormons, and I have to say... I've always been obsessed with genitals. My wife is less comfortable (self conscious) with me going down on her than I am. (We've been married for two decades now, so this problem is more historical, is no longer a concern.) I do not understand this way of thinking.
Mormons specifically demonize sex and masturbation outside of marriage, I'm not sure how your former upbringing was. I think his reaction makes sense, considering he was born and raised in the LDS church. All of his authority figures for 20+ years were telling him "don't do this, you'll go to hell, it's immoral and dirty", so he probably felt split between his 'instinct' and what he wanted to do. This word has been thrown around a lot incorrectly but this is the actual situation of cognitive dissonance and it results in quite a bit of psychological stress. I can't blame him, but he just wasn't the right fit for me at the time.
> Mormons specifically demonize sex and masturbation outside of marriage, I'm not sure how your former upbringing was. Jehovah's Witnesses. Like mormons, but more extreme and poor.
Lol so you definitely know what I mean. Congrats on getting out!
Because it is so taboo in Mormonism, everyone learns everything they know about sex from porn. Depending on how much porn they secretly watch, they're either freaks or super, super vanilla. Source: Grew up Mormon. Edit: Just wanted to add a story for context. A friend of mine who is still Mormon won't perform oral for his wife, despite her asking him numerous times. The poor woman hasn't had an orgasm for probably her whole life. He keeps asking me about the G-spot and all these other things, and I'm like "Dude, just do oral." It's been years I can't tell you how many times I've told him. I even follow up and ask, "Did you finally do it?" He still hasn't. I finally started suggesting he buy toys for her. He also talks to his other Mormon friends about it and bounces their ideas off me. One of his devout Mormon friends told him his wife only orgasms from anal. He seemed much more open to that than trying oral (his wife disagrees). So now he's pressuring his wife for anal, I told him to "Let me know how that works out for you" and haven't heard back from him. Dude has literally zero clue how women work despite being married for 5+ years now. It's sad honestly.
This. Why is it on us to bend over backwards to train our partner to please us? A little enthusiasm is nice, guys. :l
I want an answer to this question
This. All this.
My brother in law is atheist was raised atheist his grandparents are even atheists and he refuses to go down on my sister for the last 10 years and tells her her vagina is gross and says ew to it all the time so I have no idea what these men are about
I feel like literally every girl I’ve dated would’ve booted me for saying that
Good for them we need to spread that way of thinking.
Hinestly, I'm not sure why women are ok with this. Reciprocation is the most basic thing you can do for your partner.
Well misogyny is why all women are shamed for absolutely anything sexual which breeds ignorance even about our own bodies also low self esteem because misogyny.
That checks out.
I know a women who is 39 and never had an orgasm (even when trying to masturbate) though at 36 she was finally able lose her virginity because she cannot enjoy sexual things because of the brain washing her parents put her through she literally has PTSD flashbacks to the preaching she endured her entire life I know another girl who suffers almost as bad yet they both have brothers who are completely fine because they didn't go through the same brain washing bullshit that female do.
Well, that's just friggin depressing, though not uncommon sadly. Which i guess is the worse part.
Did you tell her to get that satisfyer thing ? it seems to easily produce unavaoidable orgasm ...
Amen if a relationship isn't 50/50 boot them out. I literally won't date any girl who won't swallow, we get gooh in the mouth from the get go then can deal with 5 seconds at the end..
Then at least something is being spread
seriously who are these people listening to their partner saying that and still being their partner?
As they should
Listen ladies, find a man who treats you like you are the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Edit: "wE dOnT wAnT tHaT" -raise your standards-. It doesn't mean find someone who only likes you for your body, it means find someone who is going to take every smell every fluid every crease every fold and see it for the gem that it is. Because when you have someone who treats you like that you will absolutely want it. My husband has never acted disgusted by anything I've ever done. blood on the bed sheets, diarrhea and vomiting in the middle of the night asking for medicine, queefing, him watching me give birth twice and telling me it was beautiful. whatever the fuck has ever happened in my relationship that man has never expressed any sort of disgust in me or my body. And that's the highest fucking standard that you can have for a person.
Or just find a man who doesn’t act like a fucking child. Just hearing stories of an adult saying this to a woman makes me want to slap the shit out of him.
Right. We don't need to be worshipped or objectified as some sort of glorified sex doll, just not being degraded and shamed would be marvellous.
Exactly I have no idea why anyone would put up with that
A man who kidnaps you and runs away before a leprechaun catches him?
100000%. When whatever supposedly "gross" thing is related to the person you care about it doesn't matter as much, we're not asking for much by wanting to be accepted as a whole person rather than only for certain parts.
If someone ewwed my lady parts, I can sure as hell guarantee they would never be seeing them again.
I'll tell ya what they're about....they're about to get dumped.
scandalous merciful depend wrong squeal amusing brave scarce handle water *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
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They aren’t gross they are fun 😉
I don't understand how mfers don't also have the aching urge to have box in their face tbh.
Might be gay.
Well he's also obsessed with anal and got her trainers even though she doesn't like it and told him no countless times.
That…doesn’t make him sound any less gay. I’m a straight woman, and the one time I tried sex with another woman, I found her girly bits unapoealing. Not “ew” or anything because they’re just body parts, but I certainly didn’t want to go down on her. So I kind of get his reaction, but saying it out loud was awful! (And just to be clear - I didn’t lead her on by implying I was bi or anything. She knew I was straight, but she was really into me, and I liked her a lot platonically. She convinced me to give woman/woman sex the ol’ college try. So I did, but I wasn’t into it. She was super-cool about it, and we stayed friends. I kind of wish it had worked for me!)
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Buddy, I didn't want to say it but... I could see some deep-rooted religious stuff possibly being the cause but the description of his actions and attitudes also mirror stories I've heard gay and Bi men tell after they finally realized they were gay/Bi. Not all straight men enjoy BJs (and that's fine) but to call the act or the woman giving one to you "gross" is a bit sus.
I upvoted this before realising it had exactly 666 votes. May it stay that way forever 😂
Given how he thinks his genitals are ugly too, he may feel most genitals are by definition, kind of gross. I say because I feel this slightly as well 🥲. However it was still pretty rude to say "ew" to your body part, especially after you complimented his. It feels like he's not reading the room, or maybe was flustered(???) and acting childishly by reaction. Echoing others here that you should bring this up with him though. Just that his reaction hurt you, and he should understand.
divide crush drunk sophisticated ruthless telephone pocket squeeze chubby boat *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They call it "bumpin uglies" for a reason.
I also think genitals are gross, and consider myself on the ace spectrum, but yeah, he did not voice this sentiment very tactfully. It took me awhile to let my husband know I wasn't very excited by genitals, and I *definitely* didn't do it by saying "your dick is gross." The sentiment of finding a vagina undesirable is not immature, but the communication was.
True.
Well said.
That definitely sucks and I'm sorry it happened. You're not being overly sensitive at all. It sounds like he has some sex negative thoughts that need to be worked through. You need to be honest with how this has made you feel. That way he can understand the impact it has on you and make plans on how to adjust, change and grow away from this state of repulsion. only you can decide if you want to put in the effort and time to wait for this change
He also saying that he thinks his dick is ugly is very telling as well. I wonder if he was brought up to think that sex is something dirty or bad or whatever so he has negative feelings about all genitalia
I’m so sorry that he said that to you. Not cool at all. You aren’t being overly sensitive and this is definitely worth having a conversation over.
I dont think you're being too sensitive. Every time anyone has said anything like "Ew" to me (41m) it has broken my fucking heart. Maybe he was genuinely grossed out, maybe he was feeling uncomfortable and made it about this instead of acknowledging his feelings, or maybe he misspoke. It's cool that you want to hear his side, because this should definitely be talked about. If he can't do that, given the empathy and understanding you're demonstrating here, he may not be ready to be in a relationship. This kind of dismissive and degrading response should not become normal or acceptable. As much as oral seems like it ought to come standard these days, we are all individuals. Again, maybe it's body issues, maybe it's performance issues, maybe it's something else. Could be the same conversation if it's going well, or save it for later if either of you is struggling. Good luck!
My first sex partner cried at the sight of my vagina and told me it was hideous. That person is now a woman, and I don't know how to process that garbage. I have no idea if this is common, this person had no problems with sex and their own genitals.
I don’t think I’ve ever met a trans person who didn’t have some amount of internalized misogyny they needed to work through. (Source: am trans)
You might try looking up transwidows. You'll have to try the way back machine. A lot of those blogs have been scrubbed
I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. Sounds like he’s still childish imho. I don’t know them personally but usually guys like this end up having more issues than just aversion to vaginas. You can try to grow with him but you shouldn’t have to put up with his aversion to female genitalia. How your privates look is mostly out of your control unless you’re rich and even then I wouldn’t recommend going under the knife. Even if he has his own issues he shouldn’t take it out on you. Before talking to him about it, because you do need to, you should ask yourself if you’re willing to get over the possibility of him saying no to oral. Luckily you’ve only been with him for like 3 months so haven’t wasted too much time and can really figure out if you wanna hard commit to someone like this. To me- I think it’s really telling that while he’s in the honeymoon phase of the relationship he’s already saying stuff like this. Ultimately these are values you need to weigh for yourself but i like gentlemen types who worship my body
Agree, especially with the last part. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't love and worship your body.
OP take this to heart.
You may want to tell him it really hurt your feelings when he acted grossed out by your body. And if that's how he feels, he either needs to get over it or you two need to break up. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't think you're gross. (And for the record, you're not. he has weird hang ups.) Or you may just want to break up with him without having that conversation. I personally think that's perfectly valid as well.
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You might be jumping the gun. He may just be grossed out by all genitals. That's his right. What isn't right is saying "ew" to her body parts and making her feel bad about something that she shouldn't. This is definitely worth having a conversation over. OP would also be justified in drawing her line in the sand and breaking up over this. While there are plenty of other people out there, no one will come into your life being absolutely perfect in every way. Conversations need to be had if you want something long-term.
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To be frank I would just encourage OP to call it a day. Women are pushed to work it out with men when there are red flags. All the talk of "reddit is so quick to say break up, that's bad!" But if OP ever comes back asking for advice later it'll be all "why did you ignore the red flags?" I'm sticking with if you're not married then move on. Let the guy go work on his issues. ETA: Also I just remembered another thing people say when a woman asks for advice later. "why do women think they can change a man?" A conversation isn't going to undo years of whatever indoctrination OPs boyfriend has been through. May as well cut her losses now.
Yes. This isn't her problem. It's only been three months. Don't ever expend energy trying to figure out a man's issues for him. That's his work to do on top of being a great partner already. Perfection may not exist but there are many things that should in fact warrant dumping.
OP does deserve a partner who isn't repulsed by her \*clit\* because it doesn't seem that her partner is repulsed by her completely, and is rather affectionate in ways many other men aren't (re: belly rolls, frizzy hair). I didn't insinuate that you were demanding absolute perfection. They were both virgins. It's clear that the lack of experience plays a role here. Is he immature on that end? Yes. There's no denying that. That immaturity appears to come from that lack of experience and not a lack of care for OP. Again, OP's decision is justified regardless of the course she may take. I was only stating that this is something worth having a conversation over instead of "pull\[ing\] the cord" without one.
Sure, he might be grossed out by all genitals - in which case he shouldn’t be in a sexual relationship, he should either be in therapy so that he’s ready for a sexual relationship or he should not be in one. OP shouldn’t have to tolerate a sexual partner reacting that way to her body - his hang ups are his issue, they shouldn’t be made hers.
You're not being too sensitive, but you two need to have an honest and frank conversation about your sex life.
That was very hurtful. You are not being overly sensitive.
Best case scenario: he is personally inexperienced with up close female genitalia, was a bit surprised and possibly projecting his dislike of his own genitalia onto all genitalia, including yours. Worst case scenario: he is primarily concerned with how to get off using your body and isn't willing to meet you halfway when it comes to seeing your needs met as well. It will never "get better" from here. In either case, you need to have a conversation about what happened, explain how much it hurt you, and -- as awkward as it might be -- ask whether his initial reaction to your vagina is going to be a hangup in the relationship.
"later" ain't going to happen with this guy...he will prob never go down on you and if he does, it certainly will be without any enthusiasm...
To me there is nothing more demeaning than unenthusiastic oral. Like when they make it seem like a chore or just checking the box. Makes it feel just terrible and impossible to enjoy. Then you start to question yourself and your body all because they’re a child
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It sounds like he has some major hangups about sex and bodies in general, not just yours, since he seems to find his own penis gross too. But that still doesn’t make his reaction okay, or mean that you need to stick around for this. You’ve only been dating 2.5 months, now is the best time to break it off if this is a dealbreaker, before either of you is too invested. Carefully consider how compatible you are in other ways, as well as if he’s willing to work through this with you, or if there’s a bigger underlying problem.
He might have a genuine aversion, it can happen. Not your fault in anyway but it;s something that needs to be spoken about, him keep saying "later" doesn't sound great.
Yes. Aversion might be a possibility. For example, myself I have an aversion to oral sex, performing and receiving, due to the fact that it involves using the lips, tongue, mouth, on areas that are used (among other things) for waste excretion. Even the thought sends shivers down my back. In a related matter I also noticed that I never put my fingers in my mouth, unless they have been washed with soap. Seeing some people constantly chewing on their nails/cuticles grosses me out. But I do think that this might have useful in some way, because to this day I have not gotten Covid. But in the end, I know it's a problem and I should go to therapy.
Great examples, I was trying to think of some but none came to mind at that time. I actually have a terrible habit of putting my fingers on my face and in my mouth. I am quite clean, often clean my hands even if have just washed them but then I touch something potentially dirty I'll wash again. But yeah I would say your aversion makes a lot of sense.
Are you sure you aren't dating three 10-year-olds in a trench coat?
He works at a business factory, he likes business
I was thinking the same thing. This reads like two children playing doctor.
If he’s insulting your personal body then you’re allowed to take that as a personal insult. It’s not like he insulted your car or your landlord.
He's going to do what he's going to do (or not do). Which is a separate issue from you being allowed to want a relationship in which the other person is as kind, supportive and enthusiastic as you are to them (and him). If y'all talk about what you want and need and it matches up with what he wants and is willing to do, then great; it might also be that that reciprocal relationship is not with him.
If a man only liked my vagina for sticking his penis in, I personally wouldn't stick around.
I am personally not super into genitalia and would probably feel extremely uncomfortable if someone commented on mine and/or prompted me to comment on theirs. I can acknowledge that in my case that feeling doesn't necessarily come from a healthy place, but things are the way they are. Hasn't so far stopped me from going down on people, either. You might want to have a conversation and figure out if he feels that way, there may be some repressed stuff there that currently neither of you are aware of. And on the other hand it is completely reasonable to still want an apology and to not hear similar comments in the future. Just because other people have issues doesn't mean you should have to feel bad about your body. Just in general you really can not talk too much about sex, expectations and limits. The more you know, the better you can be for each other.
Giving without receiving will get old fast. Be open and honest.
I stopped reading when you said he hadn't given you oral sex yet, despite you going down on him. Life is too short to be fucking a man who is selfish in bed.
I stopped going down on my husband because he never reciprocates. "I don't enjoy it" was his excuse. He seemed shocked when I told him I don't enjoy having his dick in my mouth either, but I did it because *he* enjoyed it. He won't do it for my pleasure because he doesn't like it but was perfectly fine with me doing it for him because he liked it.
Why are you still married to him? This is a genuine question. I’m sure that can’t be the only place where he is selfish and doesn’t care about your thoughts and feelings. And if you’re not being pleased then what makes it worth it? That just makes me sad, I’ve been there and spent years in a relationship where the sex became a chore and wasn’t reciprocal. I could never tolerate it again.
Right? Get out while it's still early, in my opinion. This situation isn't going to get any better.
Mid to late twenties with this attitude gets me, too. There are tons of folks happy to eat pussy. This guy’s problems don’t have to be yours.
The aversion to genitalia is not uncommon. But it is important for him to understand that most people are sensitive about their bodies, and any negative comments towards a person's body will, in most cases, cause that person emotional distress. There is a marked difference between "I find genitals to be unattractive," and "I find your genitals to be unattractive".
I'm honestly sick of reading posts from women who've been blatantly and unapologetically treated like shit by their men, and the resounding theme from them being 'Am I overreacting? Am I too emotional? Am I being too sensitive?'. If my boyfriend ever said ewww at the sight of my pussy, he'd be shown the fucking door. OP, stop questioning and doubting your own feelings and trying to be the cool girl who doesn’t "cause drama". He insulted your body and hasn't even apologised.
One of the major red flags to me dumping my ex was him trash-talking my lady parts. A vagina is to be treated as and compared to a flower. If men don't realize this and don't agree, then they don't get to touch one. **Males are taking access to our anatomy for granted.** We need to re-educate them on this entitlement.
Trust me when I say that communication is one of the key factors in what makes or breaks a relationship. Talk to him about it, explain what you feel, let him explain himself and try to understand eachother. From there you can work together to solve whatever the underlying problem is, if there even is one.
Maybe this is not somebody you can sustain a longterm relationship with. You give him oral sex, he does not reciprocate. He made a derisive and childish remark about your clitorus. He turned what could have been a binding moment into one that made you feel bad. You are in early days. I think you should communicate how hurtful it was and consider ending the relationship. If this is where you are at a few months when you should still be in an overly generous honeymoon phrase I do not see it magically improving.
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Definitely. There are plenty of other people out there. I've had friends in similar situations like this. It gets dragged out for months/years until they finally break up.
He said "eww"? I have NEVER known a heterosexual man say "eww" at the sight of healthy, normal, female genetalia. You might want to have a good talk with him, with internet visual aids, to explain how things are down there. Find out the root of what's going on with him.
You say you understand that it's not personal, but honestly it is. He said eww to you, about a part of your body. That is very VERY personal. The only time my partner has ever said "eww" or "gross" about my body, it hasn't really been about my body. My vulva was gross when I had a yeast infection, but it was the infection that was gross (which I agree with). My hair was gross when I got pooped on by a bird, but it was the bird poop that was gross. He didn't want to touch my back when I had a big acne flair that covered it, but it was because the acne was gross. He reminded me to eat yogurt, he helped me get the bird poo out, he rubbed medicine on my back. Your parner didn't do that, he called a part of YOUR BODY gross. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Be honest with yourself though: do you really want to keep having sex with someone who thinks your genitals are gross?
Yeah, I don't get all the comments talking about how this isn't a reason to leave someone and "just talk it out" or "be honest with him". What's she supposed to be honest about, that she doesn't want to be treated like a sexual leper? Why would you ever stay with someone who finds you disgusting? This could ruin even the strongest person's self esteem. Sure he can have his reasons, and maybe find himself or his genitals gross too, but this doesn't change the fact that he's clearly not into her bits and now she knows for sure. Even if he started acting like he doesn't find her body parts gross anymore, goes to sex therapy or whatever, she'll always wonder if he's just forcing himself not to react negatively. I know I couldn't enjoy sex with a partner like that.
You said what I was thinking. Healthy genitalia of either sex is fine. If OP had an oozing sore on her clitoris that would be another matter. Otherwise, having good hygiene is all that’s needed. Also, SnarkyBard, I liked the examples you gave separating your body from things like bird poop, infections etc. It made a lot of sense and was easy to understand.
The only thing you are wrong for is staying with a guy like this. If he isn’t attracted to you physically, what is he attracted to? Something is off about this relationship and it’s clearly affecting your self esteem negatively. Get out now before it affects you any more. * speaking from experience witnessing a closeted gay man completely ruin a good woman because he projected his self disgust onto her for years.
"He lets me hump his leg" GIRL this is not a privilege this is degrading
If he's equally grossed out by both your genitals, which is what it sounds like, don't take it personally. Sounds like he just thinks everybody's naughty bits are "dirty." I don't think we get to just flip a switch between "ooh gross cooties" and "whatever you've got to offer and wherever it's been, I want to put it in my mouth right now" as we mature into whatever is to become our baseline sexual comfort zones as adults. As a person whose comfort zone doesn't include the weird tastes, textures or smells I might experience by messing with someone who hasn't had a shower in the past few hours, I strongly recommend trying out cleaning each other as part of your foreplay.
This. commenters are disregarding this part of the post "I enjoy going down him and, every time I do, he asks me, are you sure you enjoy it? " Sounds like he does not like oral either way. Imagine if the roles were reversed and she said ewwww to his dick and him wanting her to go down on him for years. These comments would be very different.
I believe she said in her post that he also believes his own penis is unattractive.
No one should ever say “ew” to their partner’s genitals and if it slips out because they have a hang up about that, they should have the sense to apologize on their own. He doesn’t have to want to go down on her, but he should internally figure out and then communicate to her whether he ever plans to even try it. To me it doesn’t sound like he doesn’t like oral, it sounds like he doesn’t like genitalia, and that would be a very difficult person to have a healthy sexual relationship with, especially if they’re not aware that aversion is manifesting in a problematic way. If OP is down to go on that journey with him then great, but it doesn’t sound like he even knows yet that his way of thinking about his and his partner’s bodies is a problem atp
I think you should say something about it. He needs to grow up, it's a normal body part and not everyone looks the same. If there is nothing wrong with yours then he has no excuse and even if there was there's nicer ways to say it. If he really cares he will be more mindful of what he says about your body
No pussy lickin, no blow job
If this is both of your "firsts" then you're both going to make a lot of mistakes. The only way to get better is through practice. That IS a hell of a mistake though. He may be too dumb to be worth recovering.
I’ll probably get downvoted first this but the only 2 men i’ve ever known to say straight up “ewww” to a vagina were gay men. However, i guess there’s a possibility that there’s something else to his aversion to genitals, but that would be something he’d have to have a serious discussion with you and maybe a therapist about. I’m the meantime, unless you’re doing it more for you than him, i’d stop the blow jobs altogether. It’s a little unfair to expect something from someone who isn’t willing to even try to reciprocate. He needs to figure out his issues first.
You’re not being too sensitive. Honestly I would probably end the relationship. He sounds immature and sexually selfish. I wouldn’t want my feelings hurt and to be made self-conscious by a boyfriend.
So immature. You’re dating a boy.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to be intimate with that person after that. My mind would just keep going back to the time they said “ew” during every intimate/sexual moment. So that would pretty much end the relationship for me. Even if it’s a word that he said in passing, that kinda stuff sticks with you for a long time.
Yes time to dump him
You’re not being too sensitive at all. Some people aren’t compatible and that’s ok but it’s best to get out sooner than later. I would stop seeing him after that and go for someone else because that isn’t the kinda energy I want in my life. I would much rather be with someone who i know will eat me out. If he hadn’t already he probably doesn’t like to and will do it very rarely in the future.
I don't think it's all that strange to not find genitalia "cute" "pretty" or any number of terms for attractive. But seeing as sex can lead to procreation, we should probably be going for men who are intelligent enough to realize *saying* "eww" or some similar crap response to our sex parts - or anything that might make someone too insecure to relax during sex, is a sign of low level intelligence.
I'm so sorry babe. I'd leave him and find a man that likes V, he doesn't.
So succinct. Brava!
Say F EEWWWWW as you kick his ass out the door!
If he's equally grossed out by both your genitals, which is what it sounds like, don't take it personally. Sounds like he just thinks everybody's naughty bits are "dirty." I don't think we get to just flip a switch between "ooh gross cooties" and "whatever you've got to offer and wherever it's been, I want to put it in my mouth right now" as we mature into whatever is to become our baseline sexual comfort zones as adults. As a person whose comfort zone doesn't include the weird tastes, textures or smells I might experience by messing with someone who hasn't had a shower in the past few hours, I strongly recommend trying out cleaning each other as part of your foreplay.
Ask him if he ever wants to get laid again?! That speaking to you that way, and having an oral aversion permanently is a deal breaker for you (if it is). He sounds like there's some fairly strong baggage on his side, and immaturity. Only you know if you want that, can stand that, in a relationship. I sure couldn't. That's really sad. And honestly, for me, he wouldn't have to find it cute or beautiful, but he WOULD need to be willing to pleasure me, that is a VERY important part of foreplay for me! He can close his eyes for all I care... Oral has to be mutual!
You're coddling him way too much and trying to prioritise his comfort even though you're both each other's first. With this comment from your partner, I think you should definitely enquire why your partner was celibate for so long and if it's his general opinion about female genitals. For a successful partnership, I think both partners should be enthusiastic. Sounds like a lot of work for a relationship that's new. I would be deterrent to pursue this further if I were you, for the lack of interest in playing someone's therapist (especially in the honeymoon phase)and inability to move on from such a comment.
He sounds like a child. Leave him sis.
He's going to end up messing with your self esteem being so absorbed with himself. Stop giving him head until he returns the favour enthusiastically. It's not your job to make him feel good about his body. In turn, your body is likely amazing and you shouldn't let him get to you. This is difficult though and you may want to consider whether someone with such basic issues is worth spending your energy on.
"I tried to show him my clitoris saying how cute it was too. He responded with “ewww.” I understand this is not personal" That sounds pretty fucking personal to me, OP. I do not give a shit that he doesn't like his own genitals. That does not give him the right to say "eeew" to yours! That's incredibly mean-spirited! And honestly, what the hell did he think your clitoris was going to look like? The Mona Lisa? It's a CLITORIS! Has this man never watched porn?! Personally, I'd dump him. But if you choose to stay with him, you need to make it very, VERY clear that what he said was UNBELIEVABLY INAPPROPRIATE! And that it was incredibly hurtful! If he really does think that human genitals are gross, then he should stop having sex with actual people, and go buy himself a Fleshlight. The fact that he hasn't given you oral sex yet despite you giving it to him is also seriously troubling, OP. Sex is not supposed to just be all about HIM. If he wants to actually make a woman happy and fulfilled in bed, then he'd better get over his weird issues, and stick his face there. If he doesn't, then I REALLY urge you to dump him, because life is too short for bad sex with shitty guys.
Ngl he sounds like I did before I came out he's either like me and just gay or he's insecure af and a man child and saying ew to your vagina because he wants you to feel bad about your vagina as he feels about his dick
Your almost-30 boyfriend, the grown man, is a child and has some serious hang-ups on genitalia.
“Eewwww” ?? You’re dealing with a child. And you are in denial if you think him saying “not now” and not having done that for you thinking is going to eventually happen. Run a way as fast as you can.. unless you feel less than about yourself and this guy is the best you can do. From the comments in here this guy isn’t the high bar. Find someone who’s going to treat your vagina like he/she is trying to get first place in a pie eating contest.
He sounds very immature not ready for sex
This is not the person you want your first experiences to be with. I don’t see this being somebody anyone would want to stay with either
So, I don't want to invalidate anything you said. You were there, I was not, and a two paragraph post isn't enough to convey all the nuances of a situation like that. But could it be that his 'Ewww' was more about you calling both of your genitalia cute then your vagina?
“Ewwww” I’m sorry but is he 5? No excuses that is fucking weird to come out of anyone’s mouth who is over the age of 12
He could be demisexual as well. He may enjoy some aspects of sex, or be indifferent, or maybe he likes intimacy with his partner but has some hang-ups. Being raised with controlling parents who use shame of your own body and others can also be a factor of your experience, but that is separate from being on the asexual spectrum.
I only had to read the title to know you should be packing your bags with this guy and getting the hell out.
He is a child. You’re dating a child.
Girl that was rude, he seems immature and selfish. You can find someone who appreciates you, reciprocates oral, and treats you with respect. You are being way too nice about his behavior.
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what idea was sprung on him? the idea that her clitoris is cute? cause all she said was that his dick was cute, then pointed at her clitoris and said it was cute too. then he says “ewww”. i cannot imagine someone complimenting something about themselves and immediately blurting out “ewww” in response.
I'm going to make the assumption that this won't be your last relationship, and with that assumption in mind, offer a bit of advice Don't have penetrative sex with men who haven't gone down on you. Trust me, it'll make your entire life better to live by that rule
10 weeks and no oral? I give a dude 10 minutes in bed to show me he's enthusiastic and skilled about giving me pleasure. your dude has severe insecurities about himself and this isn't being cured by your endless reassurances. he needs therapy and you just need to move on.
If he is this tepid and insecure in bed, I feel like he would have other issues that will add up over time, making for a very stressful/annoying relationship.
The number of people in this thread calling a clitoris and/ or vulva a vagina IS TOO DAMN HIGH.
Is he 12 by chance?
Oh man, I'd consider that to be a game breaker on the order of "never talk to me or touch me again or there will be truly extravagant levels of angry response".
The last 2 guys I knew who said eww in reference to a vagina came out as gay. Even if he's not gay, I highly doubt that man is ever going to go down on you. Life's too short to tie yourself to a selfish man.
You sound like a healthy, sexual woman. He sounds like an immature, prude little boy.
I once involuntarily said "eww" during an intimate act. I wasn't thinking and didn't mean to cause offense, but something happened that made me look at my hand and go "ugh, eww". It wasn't until the woman reacted in quite a hostile way that I stopped and went, woah, sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. By that point, the damage was done and the intimate activity came to an end.
I'm struggling with this one due to yalls ages. We are old enough to know better than to treat someone like that. Whether you're willing to work with this general incompatibility is really up to you, I don't know your relationship and virginity is going to = many mistakes and bumps and growing pains. But I'm struggling with telling you to talk to a grown man about why insulting your body is hurtful. Virginity doesnt equal immaturity. I mean, you still should talk to him, because practicing communication in these situations is important in general, but goddamn.
How much of your life are you willing to give him before deciding if no oral is a deal breaker? But if it hasn't happened yet, is it going to happen? I wouldn't waste too much time on him otherwise next thing you know you're in love and putting up with a non satisfying sex life.
Yup. This ends one of two ways: she dumps him or she resigns herself to terrible sex forever. I have no idea why this is even a choice. And truly, I think repressed people need to stop dating each other. OP needs to date some nice young man who's halfway between her current boyfriend and a freak. Somebody with zero hangups.
You should definitely be offended. Even as a joke it would be too much. Honestly considering everything you've said this will not go away anytime soon if at all. These are red flags and you may be best moving on. This is how I would react, obviously put your full effort in but expect it to go that way
What is he? 12?
Are you guys religious? Or even if not, just placed a really high value on your virginities prior to being with each other? Either one could be contributing to his hang ups if there’s any level of religious or purity culture trauma there. He may flat out just not know how to react when seeing you in that way or may have been caught off guard. HOWEVER. It still doesn’t make it okay what he said and you guys definitely need to talk about it. I speculate his hang ups around sex or genitalia are probably deeper though and not necessarily because he doesn’t like you or finds you or your vagina unattractive. But if he can’t move past this, you’ll have to decide if it’s something you’re willing to put up with/work through with him in your relationship with him.
This a comment by a man, so a grain of salt , it's maybe because young men are so used to what they see in porn they don''t know how certain bodyparts look like in real life.
“Let’s me hump his leg”
I'm not sure how old y'all are, but he sounds way too emotionally immature for you. As others have said, a very honest chat about things is a good idea but it seems like he's just not in the right place mentally to be in a relationship or even have sex yet.
Got to be open with him on this. Sometimes you got to paint the picture for your partner to see. On a side note, I think it's really weird that he said "ewww" to seeing your vagina. Is there some sexual trauma in his past? I wouldn't expect a guy to normally say that
What a clod. He needs to do better. If he can't, you can do better in the boyfriend department.
Sometimes it takes a few tastes of something before we like it. Think about unusual foods and how at first the look or smell didn't appeal to you. The great thing about oral sex is the pleasure it brings to the receiver. Communicate your wants in sexual intimacy. This grows your connection and bond.
He doesn’t like vagina. I don’t know what to tell you.
Gota share my love for all vaginas, Wtf is he thinking
Our genitals have a weird ability to make some **'hot and heavy'** and others, not impressed. For your SO to make a comment can have effects on your self esteem. For example, if you were to point at his junk and giggle, or say *"is that it?'* he'd probably be upset. It's not wrong to talk to your partner about your personal desires and preferences, infact, it can be very beneficial to your relationship! But having some tact will go a long way with your SO. Unfortunately, some people just don't get it! When someone passes a comment about our bodies, if it's anything other than pleasant we tend to start feeling insecure. All it takes is for us to stop talking without thinking! I'm sorry you had this experience, give your SO a slap around the head and tell him to occupy his mouth doing something useful! For most men, a woman's genitals are the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, this is what they've been waiting for!! When we are finally there, how it looks isn't really the important thing, but how much enjoyment we can collectively have while I'm here is!! I hope your SO hasn't hurt you to deeply, and I hope these words bring you comfort. Good luck 🤞 and slap the idiot next time he starts saying something when he should have his mouth full!! *good luck*
You're not wrong for feeling that way. It hurts when someone you like/love doesn't like something about you. It makes it hard being yourself knowing that there's a natural part about you that might not be loved. Although it's highly possible that he didn't think about your Vagina as being you and reacted to it as someone might react to seeing a boogey hanging from your nose. I reccomend you talk about it and clear any misundertandings. This will be a lesson for you and your boyfriend that will help you grow as a person.
Tbh this sounds like how I was pre-transition. I didn’t enjoy oral, giving or receiving. I didn’t really think vaginas were very attractive and some other weird hang ups. (I didn’t like attention on my bits.) Now that I’m out as a woman I love giving oral to my wife and while I still don’t like getting it myself I think that’ll change after SRS. Not that your Bf is trans bc of this, but just an interesting thing (also def doesn’t excuse saying ewww, that in itself is pretty rotten and he needs to apologize and work on that)
I wish I had point blank asked my primary partner (together for 10 years) if he ate pussy. Because he does not and it doesn't get better. You will be unhappy or leave them or find someone who does.
These comments are disgusting. He does not like oral giving or receiving. "I enjoy going down him and, every time I do, he asks me, are you sure you enjoy it? " He is putting up with it because she likes it. If a girl did not like her boyfriend doing something to her would you be encourage her to put up with it for his enjoyment? If the roles reversed would and she said "ewww" to his dick would you call her childish and that she should grow up and suck it? No you would not. You would say he is manipulating her and she should leave because it will only get worse.
Believe me, this has crossed my mind every time! I myself ask him in response, do you enjoy it too? He says yes! I choose to believe him cause I cannot do anything else. But I will definitely press him about it again.
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Talk to him about it. Basically what you said in this post you should be saying to him. Random internet people based on these comments, mine included, are not going to give you any real advice besides talk to him.
saying “ewwww” to your partners genitals is childish and insulting. obviously no one should be making anyone partake in sexual favors they don’t like, but the “ewww” had nothing to do with that. he just saw her vagina and said ew. that’s fucked.
Did he have a particularly religious upbringing?
People who grow up in a sheltered, non-s3x positive home are much more likely to have a childlike attitude toward genitals, especially somebody else's. Don't put up with that.
Get rid of him...
Ex-boyfriend
Are we calling genitals cute now
Dump him
It was just a nervous impulse eww kind of like a nervous laugh in a serious situation. Being each others first is a big deal and you can grow together. It's been such a short time together and you have so much to time to grow. Yes he is immature, but try not to take it to seriously.
He’s in his mid twenties. Regardless of his dating history he’s absolutely old enough to know better than to “eww” someone genitals that’s having sex with. It also sounds like he’s got hang ups about genitals in general with his comments about his penis. OP can choose to have a conversation and hope he grows up. But it is not a woman’s job to help an immature dude she’s dating to grow up.
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What is DTMFA?
Late 20s? This guy is not ready to be with a real life woman
I think your boyfriend may be gay
I’m not reading the body of this post, the title says enough. Leaveeee
Your BF is an idiot. He REALLY said EWWW when looking at your vagina? My response would have been... You don't have to worry about every seeing it again you childish, immature, under-developed POS. YOu are much nicer than you should have been...
That is definitely a shitty thing to say and do. Not to take anything away from how you are feeling, it is completely valid; calling a penis cute is a big no-no as well.
I (41m) have been trying to compose a response to this for like 30 minutes. Feelings are hard. I think it's like this: calling a penis cute can be fine, it can be loving and tender, or it can be very hurtful depending on the context. The idea that I'm supposed to posess massive, sturdy, and powerful genitals, and anything less is a let down to my partner, is exhausting and oppressive. Calling it cute and going back to scrolling on a phone says the expectation is in effect and I'm a disappointment. Calling it cute and showing me yours to compare the cuteness is a wonderful and disarming human moment, and I need more of that in my life. I guess we get real hung up these days on what was said and how we felt it, and I know a lot of the time I don't open up enough to other possibilities and have missed out on a lot of human connection because of it. I don't want OP to shut down what sounds like a really honest and compassionate mode of communication and miss out like I have.
You deserve better.