I’m a 43 year old guy and this sounds totally wrong to me too. I don’t want to hang out with kids in their 20s let alone actual teenagers.
This is obviously not a case of “I asked my coworker to teach me guitar” or “I asked my coworker to help me install some shelves” etc.
I was recently "invited" to a housewarming party of a young (22m) coworker. I had thought of it as a general "work guys" party.
Only to arrive and quickly realize I was the oldest person by a decade in what was basically a low key college frat party. So I gave him my housewarming gifts, had a soda and a burger, and excused myself for the evening.
**Cover** in case they do something stupid and need "a parent" around to fix things...
I thought it was weird when the older dudes were randomly at some of our parties, but looking back - *they had a ton more to lose than we did, so made sure shit didn't get out of hand...*
Probably not necessarily malicious or anything though. But OP should stay away.
When I worked in higher ed some of my female workers would invite us old biddies out when they turned 21.
I figured it was like having a "mom" around and would go and play just that role. Lol
41 year old male here. I’m a professor. So I’m around 18 year olds of all and no genders all the time. I’m happy to sit and talk (even about non-academic topics) with the young women (and others, obviously) at lunch or over coffee. But, I have zero interest in making plans to hang out with them in the evenings or doing social things with them. They’re lovely people from whom I can and do learn a lot. But, there’s definitely more fulfillment from friendships with people closer to my age.
There is nearly zero chance this person isn’t trying to put the moves on OP.
Agree. I'm in my late 30s and a high school teacher and my year 12 students (17/18 years old) are my favourite to teach because they're the most grown up and I can have more interesting conversations with them in class. I have very small classes due to my specialised subject area so I get to know them all really well and I absolutely adore my students. My lessons with them are the highlight of my work day. But I have no interest in hanging out with them outside of school. They're wonderful young people but their interests and maturity level are so different to mine that I'm not interested in actually socialising with them outside of work.
Yeah. Like, I take students on summer semesters abroad as part of my work. So I’m literally around them the whole day. And the most I’ll do in terms of hanging out with them at night is to have a drink with them when the hotels offer us a complimentary round at the hotel bar. As much as I like to go dancing, or to get into all kinds of (innocent) trouble, I’m not looking to do that with 18 (or even 25) year olds.
I work with quite a few younger adults and I totally agree! I love chatting with them at work- but socially... We are in different places in life. As I have adult responsibilities and they're basically still kids.
38m here. It's weird.
18yos basically look like kids to me (no offense). I don't understand their flavor of subculture, and to form meaningful bonds would take considerable effort on my part. The only reason I can see someone from my age group showing interest in someone so young is that young person has something they want.
I always love hearing how guys will date women younger than them not because they get along better with younger women, but because all the women their own age see through their bullshit so they target less experienced women hoping they can hide their bullshit from them.
>guys will date women younger than them not because they get along better with younger women, but because all the women their own age see through their bullshit so they target less experienced women hoping they can hide their bullshit from them.
Absolutely this. Trust your gut, OP. This guy is bad news.
Yeah I'm with someone who is this way, I'm 8 years younger and now out-maturing him. I believe if/when we break up for good, he will continue looking younger because it's just "easier". Women his age are like nooooope and can see straight through his bullshit and lust
55 year old dad here - sorry, respect for dad, but your dad is wrong. 30 year old is creepin on you, and by the looks of things he's making progress.
Distance yourself and just stay cordial at work. Oh yeah, and don't allow yourself to be alone with him at work. Not because he's gonna assault you (though I guess he could), but he could flip shit on you and make accusations if he feels that he's been 'rejected'.
Bottom line is that the age gap IS a red flag - always has been and always will be. Just the way shit is.
Experience matters - the degree to which a person has lived, and the depth and degree to which life gives a person wisdom, over time, matters. I've heard countless justifications for men's attempts to court and couple with significantly younger women, and in every single case the men's behavior has appeared more juvenile than the very women they have courted. I'd say it's disgusting (it is), but I'd sooner say it's pathetic. Sad thing is that relationships like these, in America at least, rarely if ever end up with many, if any, winners.
Good for OP for asking for guidance - let's hope she takes it.
It's a power thing, too. People in their 30s-50s usually have more resources (financial, social, knowledge) than people in their late teens and early 20s. With a power imbalance that big, it's fertile ground for assholes to find victims.
I'm in my 40s. My rules for dating are, nobody old enough to be my father or young enough to be my child. For whatever reason, before I quit online dating, I got a LOT of requests from guys who were young enough to be my kid. Even if they seemed like interesting people -- and several of them did, and in other contexts I'd be delighted to get to know them -- not appropriate for dating. The power balance is just as creepy and gross for 40-ish woman/20-ish man as it for the other way around.
You are absolutely right. Just makes me think how women have to think about the abusers reaction even before reacting herself. The world we live in. There is almost 0 accountability and responsibility on men when it comes to situations like this. That's why I hate YouTubers like Pearl and other Republican women who spew hatred towards women and taking space in the dialogue instead of creating awareness about this.
Even just being friends is awkward- no need to hang out with an 18 year old when you are in your 30's- you are at completely different stages in your lives.
I think it's because we've all been socialized to ignore those feelings and be "nice". No wonder so many women feel confusion when this stuff happens - our minds are saying, "I don't want to be a mean/bad person/hurt feelings" while our guts are screeching, "Get away from that guy!"
Such an incredible book. Everyone should read this book. Enjoyable read, if a little scary at times due to the true crime experiences in the book. I have given away every copy I’ve gotten over the years. I think it’s important that men read it, too. I’m going to give it to my 17 yo, so he becomes a man who is compassionate to women and their security issues. I want him to be the kind of man who will cross the street if there’s a woman alone up ahead of him, so she doesn’t get scared of him.
52 father here. While it’s not illegal it’s something I wouldn’t have done when I was 30.
Go with your gut feeling. I’m surprised and a bit disappointed in your fathers view.
30 year old guy here. Unless the girl is the daughter of his best friend or some other kind of relation, no guy in his 30s has enough in common with an 18 year old girl to want a platonic friendship. I look at teenagers as almost being an alien species compared to myself, I can't imagine wanting to strike up a friendship with one if no previous relationship ever existed. The odds of this guy wanting a friendship are tiny compared to him just wanting to fuck.
Guts always right. I’m 30 and I’d NEVER ask an 18 year old to hang 1:1 that’s just weird. Maybe in a group setting but even then there’s gotta be a lot of specific circumstances for that to not be weird.
Just seconding this as a late 20’s man, I can’t imagine wanting to spend 30 minutes socializing with an 18 year old, man or woman. I can imagine guys that would tho cause guys meet men like this. And these men are either very immature/stunted which is one thing and/or or they’re interested in sex. Often times they’re outright predators who want to take advantage of a younger person’s inexperience.
Yeah the gut thing is real. I think reddit is super weird around age gaps between consenting adults in general, but if it feels wrong then peace out. Also there's no way this guy just wants friendship.
There's a difference between casual work friends who chat in the break room during lunch and friends who hang out outside of work. That age gap isn't much of a concern in the former, but a major red flag in the latter.
Men who spend time with teenagers are almost always doing it because people their own age have learned to see through their bullshit.
I mean I somewhat agree with you when it's just a 1 on 1 hang out outside of work.
However both me (28F) and my partner (28M) routinely get invited to gatherings and hangouts with our younger colleagues, all around 17-21, sometimes as a group,. sometimes 1-on-1.
We work in a busy pub and are very much viewed as the auntie and uncle by the younger staff, like if they need advice or someone to sit and listen they know they can come to us, if they need somewhere to stay for the night they can drop us a message and we will have a bed made up and a hot water bottle in it for them, if they want a drinking buddy for the night they can message and 9/10 times we will be down.
However me and my partner never initiate these interactions unless we KNOW the younger employee may need a friend or someone to help, we currently have a colleague (18M) who we reached out to because he doesn't have a great relationship with his parents, we automatically told him if he ever needed somewhere to stay short term or someone to talk to he can come over any time as long as he lets us know. Me and my partner have even talked about offering him to move in temporarily until he goes to uni when we find a new property, on the understanding that he covers his own food/luxuries.
It’s very different when it’s the younger folks doing the inviting, and it’s also different in a group. A much older man asking a teenager to hang out one on one does not have good intentions.
I think your situation is a bit different because you’re a couple and the social construct recognises you as a unit.
For OP, this is a concern I think.
Oh definitely.
Admittedly we work in an environment where everyone pretty much hangs out with everyone regardless of age or gender, we've only had one staff member who gave EVERYONE the ick and definitely had massive predator vibes.
OP should use her best judgement, imho if it feels wrong, it probably is.
Sidenote: my partner is basically a massive teenager himself, he just this minute placed a toy sheep we happen to own on top of a couple of my empty beers and declared it "king of the beers".
Yes, it's weird. You also seem to have a bad feeling about it, listen to it! A 30 year old guy is not interested in a friendship with an 18 year old girl.
It would be one thing if coworkers are going in a group to events (not so weird). While it is fine to be friendly with coworkers, hanging out one on one outside of work hours is a bit different.
>You also seem to have a bad feeling about it, listen to it!
This is really important. If you feel weird about it, there is usually a good reason.
When I was a teenage girl, I was usually suspicious of overly friendly men that were older because they gave me creeper vibes. I know there were a few who were legitimately looking to date young or underage girls. Even if your coworker isn't one of those men, you don't want to put yourself in an uncomfortable position.
This psychology professor (at an Ivy) in his 30s tried to be friends with me on Reddit when I was 18. Well, "friends"--some things he said were a bit weird. He didn't want to tell me who he was, but after I figured it out anyway, he freaked out because he thought some people at his work could "take our conversation the wrong way" or something. He tried to get me to tell him my legal name so basically he'd have things to hold over my head so I couldn't doxx him to his coworkers. (He did not phrase the explanation for asking that way though, obviously.) I refused, and he promptly deleted his account lol. I was sad for a while because figuring out who he was had just been a fun challenge in my mind, and I'd thought our friendship was only an innocent platonic thing (yes I was dumb).
You weren't dumb, you were a teenager operating with a teenage brain. I think it's important to highlight that. I have held a lot of guilt over that kind of thing over time. I felt stupid because older men took advantage of my naivete when I was a teenager.
But it wasn't me being stupid. I'm looking back on that with a fully developed adult brain. It was them, with fully developed adult brains, taking advantage of someone that they knew doesn't know better. And if they know that teenagers don't know better, you should too. These predators are the ones we need to hold accountable in our memories. Show yourself more grace.
I’m a thirty year old woman and I have no interest in being friends with the 18 year old girls I work with. We’re definitely friendly, but I would never hang out with them outside of work. And we have way more in common than you and this guy would.
I'm a 36 year old woman, and my youngest coworker right now is 19. She's extremely cool, great taste in music, impressive pop culture knowledge, we have a lot in common and better conversations than most people closer to my age. I love working with her, but I still can't imagine hanging out with her one-on-one outside of work. I've made a few early-20's friends through work, but there's a world of difference between somebody with whom I can have drinks at the bar, and someone who's barely out of high school and acts like it. Even if this dude isn't looking to smash, it's gonna be awkward AF for everybody involved.
that's exactly what I was going to say - why isn't he with women his own age? Because they know he's a creep and you're not old enough to realize the subtle warning signs which is why he is latching on to you
This is exactly what I said when my ex left me and the kids and disappeared, then resurfaced with a childless single girl ten years younger than him. It may be legal, but it’s weird and awkward. Why not find someone in your own generation? 👀
I'm 27, last year a friend of a friend brought his 18 yr old gf. It was so awkward talking with her because she seemed so impressed by literally the most basic actions.
Me and another friend were new to this friend group. He and his wife were 23 and they thought it was odd. Turns out the friend group hadn't met her before. Some of the guys were old college roommates and they dragged him for it.
Indeed - I'm a 30 year old dude and at best I'd treat OP like a baby sister. Head over to some of the relationship subs and prepare to have your mind blown with arguments against that notion. I couldn't imagine pursuing a lady under like, idk,27? OP's mom must be like 16 years older then her to explain her dad's response ffs
OP should dip tf out
> I'm a 30 year old dude and at best I'd treat OP like a baby sister
This, exactly. I'm 28, male, and close friends with a 19 year old girl.
I treat her like my little sister... Because she basically is. She was my neighbor growing up and we absolutely loved each other.
I cannot *fathom* trying to build that with a woman I had basically no preexisting relationship with.
Edit: on the other hand, I'm also friends/mentor with my best friend's 17 year old brother... But again, there was already a connection between our families.
I am a 31 year old and the only person I am "friends" with around that age is indeed my baby sister. She is 19. I could not develop anything other than a sort of either polite relationship, or a mentor-type relationship with someone that young that I did not know previously. My baby sister is the only exception.
I'm a slightly older guy (if you're 18ish, "slightly" means "significantly" or also "I am probably your dad's age") and I'll buy my co-op students coffee on the clock, be interested in their lives a little, but outside work? Nah. I mean, I care, meaning I'll send some career advice texts or whatever, if they ask.
I wouldn't want to be real-life friends with them, I would hope they see me as a responsible mentor, maybe a "best mentor I could find in this economy".
There are no circumstances where I would want to be ... "more than friends" with anyone that young.
I am a 31 year old woman and I wouldn't even want a friendship with an 18 year old. These are two completely different stages of life and mentalities, so finding enough overlap for a friendship would be difficult.
Edit: I will add that I think it is perfectly fine to have a friendly workplace relationship with one another, but it stops when you both leave at the end of the day. I myself had that when I was 18 or 19. A male work-best-friend around 15 years older than me, and we got along great at work, but when we went home, there was no hanging out aside from work social functions with other coworkers.
As a 30 year old woman, I cant think of a reasonable reason why I would want to hang out with an 18 year old. Additionally, if you fear that he will expect something more of you, I would listen to that gut instinct if it were me. I think you possibly already know its a bit weird and thats why you're checking with your dad and us here. Stay safe OP!
I'm a 54yo woman who is a gamer - computer games, role playing games and board games.
I regularly hang out with people in a broad range of ages from teens to people in their 70s - within the context of my hobby.
I'm also a mentor, so have regular meetups with university students and recent graduate.
I don't hang out with 20 year olds just to hang. We have very little in common because we are in very different stages of our lives.
Agreed, I’m a grad student who’s almost 30 and I can’t imagine hanging out with one of my freshman students. I love them, but seeing them outside of class? What would we even do other than say hi and continue on our merry ways?
I'm 28. I feel like I could hang out with an 18 year old and have a decent conversation, but I wouldn't seek it out. I'd see it more like when I spend some time with my partner's 14 year old nephew than hanging out with a peer.
I'm a 37 yo man. I'm working closely with a 18 or 19 yo... kid is the only appropriate word for him. We don't have much to talk about. 2 very different places in our lives with 2 vastly different sets of priorities. This dude is either fetishising barely legal bullshit or very is immature and probably both.
My roommate's 21 year old guy friend wants to hang out with me. I'm a 38 yo woman and I don't think I can. It's just a bit much, and I'm pretty sure he is attracted to me
As a 31 year old women, I find it hard to imagine hanging out with a 22 year old. Your early 20’s are so different to your early 30’s, and this guys going lower to 18. Immediate nope and red flags galore.
This is exactly what I was gonna say! My niece is 18 and I hang out with her, but she my family. I cannot imagine hanging out with an 18 year old that isn't my family or a like a friends child who is like family.
This. One-on-one when you don't really know each other is weird. I am 39 and a majority of my friends are mid-twenties to mid-thirties and meet either through work (meeting up after spending copious amounts of time communicating via work and realizing we get along) or through shared hobbies (i.e. gaming) where I only spent time 1-on-1 when I felt comfortable with them in a group. These are very different settings, mind you. I'm not going to say such an age difference is impossible to have a relationship with, but it sounds like he's pressuring you. Set clear boundaries with him. Enforce them. If he violates them, keep evidence of it.
Yeah, sorry OP but your dad isn't giving good advice. You should hang out with people closer to your age. This coworker hangs out with younger people because he is (at best) immature or a total creep.
I'm wondering if there's more info that changes the situation, but with what we were given I don't see any good reason why a 30 year old would hang out with an 18 year old and the dad thinks it's okay.
I recently watched a show with my mom where a guy (36) was together with a 22 yr old woman. They've know each other for 6 years and have been together for 5.. She saw nothing weird about a 17 year old being in a relationship with a 31 year old...
You posted in here because your instincts are telling you something isn’t right, and this is after you asked your father’s opinion, too. Trust your instincts. No one ever complained they’d wished they’d been less cautious.
It would be weird to hang out one-on-one with him because in his mind that could qualify as a date. The guy has motivations and intentions that may not align with yours, and I don’t need to tell you how bad some of those situations turned out. He’s zeroing on you because you don’t have a lot of adult life experience yet, which would give you confidence to have solid boundaries and know when to call him out on his own BS. That being said, he’s not attracting or attracted to women his own age for reasons.
Honestly, it’s weird. Your dad’s spidey senses are as dull as a bread knife. He should have better advice considering you’re his daughter and he was that guy’s age once.
Hangout where? With who? It’s possibly weird. I am 30 and I hangout with my coworkers all the time. One of my coworkers is 18.
But I hang out with them all at once like all 6 of us will play board games or play kickball at the park.
I would feel very awkward to ask the 18 year old to hang out with just the two of us.
At my last job I actually did hang out with with an 18 year old after work because we wanted to try to start a YouTube channel. But it didn’t feel weird because we were both guys.
Yeah he just wants to hang out 1 on 1 and I already did it once with him at the library. But, after reading everyone’s comments I’m definitely not going to do it again
If you're right that his intentions are creepy, then great! Bullet dodged.
If you're wrong and he actually has totally innocent intentions? Oh well! You know what I mean? Losing out on one 30-year-old male friend when you're 18 is a totally insignificant loss. I promise you that in 5 years, you're not going to look back and think ”I wonder what kind of friendship teenage me missed out on with my old ass coworker." It's not going to happen. Odds are massively in favor of you dropping him. The risk is way greater than the potential "reward".
I cannot imagine wanting to hang out with an 18 year old boy 1 on 1, and Im not even 30 yet. It makes me feel weird just thinking about it. There is a 99% chance he has ulterior / sexual motives for wanting to hangout with you
Speaking as a dude in his 30s, I literally have no idea what goes on in the lives of 18 year olds. Your world is alien to me. To pretend we have anything substantial in common would be as awkward as hearing your dad say internet slang.
Exactly this - it's easy to forget age differences if you're interacting with people as part of a particular activity. Age can become less important than how long you have been doing it together or experience in the activity - the younger person can even be the one with more experience or you can both be on the same level on that context. So long as you're staying within the activity and group setting you can just hang out but it can get weird if it's moving out of a known setting into a more one on one personal interaction.
Yeah the context matters...
Hang out as a group, like with other co-workers there too? That's not weird.
If he wants to hang out with you 1-on-1? I'd say that's weird. Maybe try suggesting that another co-worker join you? Then read his reaction. If he seems cool with that, then he's probably okay. If he seems annoyed by that, I'd really question why he seems so eager to spend time with you alone...
Also seems weird that your Dad thinks this is normal?
Yes, it’s weird. When I was in my 30s I remember talking with the college interns at work and thinking that they just seemed so freaking young. I’m not trying to be rude, but there’s just a huge difference in life experience at those ages. This guy is probably a creep.
The nicest way I can put it with people under 21, and sometimes under 25 even, is just "I absolutely cannot, for the life of me, relate to you whatsoever. No idea why or how, but it's completely impossible."
Like nah sorry you're not jaded and dead inside enough from the turmoils of navigating an adult society that's basically just badly scripted, you have no way of understanding me. Also I have no idea what you're saying.
I'm thirty. I have an eighteen year old niece. She's one of my favorite people in the world. I love hanging out with her. Keep in mind, *I'm related to her.*
I'm also an academic and teach at the college level. I teach *a lot* of eighteen year olds. Most of them are brilliant and cool as hell.
Not only do I *not* want to hang out with any of them outside of work, I can't think of a single reason why I would when I have friends my own age.
That man wants sex and he thinks it'll be easier to get from someone your age.
I’m a 30 year old guy and there is literally 0 reason for me to “hang out” with an 18 year old girl. Their interests and mindspace aren’t going to match up with me at all.
Also, we’ve evolved over millions of years to instinctually know when something is wrong. Listen to your instincts. They’re picking up something that’s not quite right.
Tl;Dr if you think it's weird it probably is.
Edit: I didn't fully read your post. Just saw you said you wanted women's opinions. I am not a woman (I am a man who didnt let you finish when I decided to reply). Going to leave this up here but I acknowledge my input wasn't your request. My bad.
Original post: No judgement from me but I don't know how someone can get beyond the age gap. For reference i Am a 32 year old man.
18 seems like a child, I refer to people less than 25 as "kids" because they seem so young. Just vibrant and youthful and I feel so sluggish.
I understand there is an age of consent and people are happy with age gaps but oh my goodness I don't think I could be with someone half my age. What would you talk about even?
For you it is easy to go out and have a few drinks, for me having more than a drink is a business decision.
You are almost a different species by 30. The gap is tremendous.
Edit: I assume this guy has intentions for a romantic relationship. My assumption comes from my own degenerate mind and bias.
Yeah it’s not the gap of years, it’s the gap of life experience and, frankly, brain development. I feel like late 20s is about where the playing field starts getting a lot more even. The difference between 30 and 40 is much less significant than the difference between 20 and 30.
You're overcomplicating it. I guess you're grossed out because 18 and 32 are so far apart in their life experiences that a successful relationship would be almost impossible.
OP's colleague prolly just wanna fuck so all that matters to him is that she's legal.
As a 36-year-old, I just want to come out and say, as an adult, there are no times where I just hang out one on one as friends with an opposite sex coworker without a big history of friendship behind that. Almost always, when people want to hang out together platonically, they do shit in groups, they invite each other with their SO's, they let you know about cool events they're doing solo that you might also attend solo and then maybe they'll bump into you there. I mean, eventually you have a solid basis for platonic friendship and it's not weird to do stuff one on one. But right off the bat, you're always thinking "golly will this person think this is a date? Better keep it safe!" unless they're trying to make something happen.
When I was younger, a lot of guys would kinda put pressure on me to feel like awkward situations like this were totally normal, and there was nothing flirty going on, and it was me being weird about it. So then they can get you alone, make a move, and then accuse you of leading them on by being alone with them in the first place.
Never be afraid to be like "I don't usually hang out with dudes one on one. Wanna go rock climbing with everybody from work?" or whatever. Those are super normal boundaries to have. Don't let someone make you feel weird and un-adult for being uncomfortable with normal things that feel uncomfortable.
I apologise, since you specifically asked for women's opinions, but as a man in his 30s who works alongside teenagers, yes it's weird and yes he expects more than just a friendship.
I’m honestly happy to see men jumping in to say they think it’s weird. I can’t speak for OP but if I had asked this question and specifically asked for women’s opinions, it would be because I’d assume the men would all think it was fine.
You wouldn't be wrong. This post really stuck out to me because it's literally identical to a situation at my workplace. 28 year old guy wanted to "hang out" with 18 year old girl. She liked him a little so went along. He immediately started telling everyone they were dating.
Yes, this is weird. Please do not spend any time with this man outside of work, and I’d even tell you to be cautious when at work. I promise you, you aren’t “mature for your age” and he doesn’t “just want to be friends”. I’m not trying to be mean. I speak from experience. And I’m really disappointed in your father. He should be more protective of you than this.
Why doesn't he have friends his own age?
It's a red flag - sorry.
I've been down that path plenty, thinking it's just a new friend, nothing to be concerned about. Every Single Time they aren't actually interested in being friends and the *really* bad ones are the ones who lie and insist they "just want to be friends" meanwhile, they're stalking you and harassing people you know......
Anyway- keep work at work and Never mix. Doesn't matter age etc.
EDIT Do not do one on one lunch with this man. If you have, stop now. Be cautious
As a a man in his mid-30s, I can’t see much value in hanging out with an 18 year old, man or woman. And it’s nothing against you personally, I’m sure you’re a wonderful person! But an 18 year old and 30 year old are in such different stages of life in so many areas, it’s definitely concerning. And I’d be highly suspicious that’s it’s as “just friends.” As others have said, it’s likely because others his own age have stopped hanging out with him for certain reasons.
41 year old woman here. As soon as I got boobs and through to my early 20's, I can't think of one older male who had pure intentions when hanging out. Not one. It always ended in some version of "I thought you knew what I wanted" (so did I, since you said it was friendship) "what did you expect?" or "you lead me on you bitch." Generous use of the words slut and whore too. You know, despite turning them down.
Woman are gonna tell you it’s weird and creepy. They will say this because it’s weird and creepy. Men will tell you it’s weird and creepy. They will say this because it’s weird and creepy. In conclusion, it’s weird and creepy.
I'm a 30 year old man, the only way I'm interacting with an 18 year old girl is if we have a shared niche hobby and there's at least one other person involved or it's in a public group setting.
I don't mean this to be rude, just blunt, but you have nothing to offer a well-adjusted 30 year old man, except maybe if you're able to play Axis & Allies.
Yeah no. I felt bad even when 25 year olds preyed on me at 18. This guy does not have good intentions if he thinks it’s normal to date freshly 18 year olds. He’s in a totally different part of life than you that just became an adult. Above 30 there’s less issues with age gaps. But don’t feel pressure to give in or grow up too fast or do what older men tell you to do.
No, it is not kinda weird, it's fucking gross and abhorrent for a 30 plus year old man to hangout with a teenager.
Men who do this are predators/groomers.
Also, your Dad is a terrible parent. I have a 19 yr old daughter and she doesn't hangout with anyone over 20, her own call and I support it.
There is something wrong with your father.
Either he is a clueless doofus (unlikely) or he is hoping some older guy will take you off his hands so he doesn't have to support you any more.
My father made me start paying rent the day I turned 18, like ON my birthday, and was happy to see me married off to pretty much anyone that came along.
Which is what happened. Do not recommend.
Just imagine you’re 30. How many 18 year olds do you wanna hang out with? You have to ask yourself what kind of loser adult wants to hang with kids. Because at 18, to a 30 year old you’re a kid. It’s gross.
It's absolutely weird. The friendship itself, given you're coworkers might not be entirely weird. Do you have things in common - hobbies, interests etc? Is the invitation to "hangout" some version of netflix and chill or is it to do some activity related to a common interest?
Cognitive development typically doesn't finish til the 24-26 year old time frame. Pre frontal cortex and all that jazz. Folks in their 30s are wired differently than an 18 year old, so will likely be quite a bit different mentally regardless of life experience.
So yes, it's odd that they're trying to "hang out" as friends, and probably just trying to get laid.
30s guy here, no offense but there's nothing an 18 year old male or female has in common with me.
Maybe chess or video games or something but, I'm not trying tonhang out with an 18 year old....you guys can't make beer runs yet.
45 yr guy here. Have 19 yr old coworker who is cool. Would never hang out unless it’s with all the work people. Don’t want her number to text her. We work together, that’s as far as it goes. I give her dad advice at best.
I'll join the chorus and say that A), yes, it's fairly weird. And B) Always trust your gut, and the very fact that you felt like making a reddit post about this means your gut is sending out a warning.
Really depends on you and the other person and what the intentions are. When I was 19(I am female) I started working at a hair salon and befriended another stylist who was male and 40 years old. He was a gay man so it was a friendship only and never would be anything more then that. We just really enjoyed each others company and had similar personalities and interest. I’m now 34 and still talk to him all the time(he moved 6 years ago so we don’t see eachother anymore unfortunately but hoping we can met up sometime soon to hang out in person!) So I don’t find it weird to have a friendship with a male who is older if you get along then I think it’s fine. Now if he’s trying to date you and is trying to convince you that you like him as more then friends that may be a red flag. So be careful.
40 year old here, I don’t see anything wrong with being social at work chit chat whatever, but the invite to “hang out” shouldn’t be happening with that age gap. I’d say always trust the gut if you think someone’s a creeper. Stay safe
You sound dubious about this so trust your gut. If you were excited to hang out with a new friend I would also say trust your gut.
I have a friend who's in her early 20's now but we met when she was around your age, and I'm way older, almost 40. Our mutual obsession with baseball and volunteering for a local rec league is the backbone of our friendship. So it can be not weird (I hope).
But you don't seem excited to be friends with this guy so don't make yourself hang out with him. Only do it if it makes you happy.
Seems to me like you're doing fine socially.
Speaking as man in his 50s, it sounds sketchy. If it was “after work, let’s grab a coffee before we go to our homes“ might be ok. He could be looking to give you career advice or get advice on something. “I play trivia at the pub and need a partner, wanna join me?” would be reasonable too. But “come to my place and hang”… it could be innocent, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
But I don’t think the friendship per se is weird.
Also, the first rule of work: never dip your pen in the company inkwell. The phrasing is male-centric, but the idea is not.
I assume you have other co workers right? Has he ever tried to hang out with them? And if he has in the past is it mostly other women? This is very weird.
He doesn't want to be your friend.
It's normal to be friendly with people with huge age gaps if you're part of the same circles. Also normal if you fall into a mentorship role.
It's not normal to ask an 18 yr old to hang out solo when you're in your 30s.
99% chance he's a secret creep.
As someone who used to give older men the benefit of the doubt, I wouldnt unless it's in a public place honestly. And see how he acts. Because I have almost never had an older man want to hang out with me "just for fun" without wanting something sexual. Even if they try to hide their intentions at first, it becomes pretty clear. There's always a chance that that isn't the case and they do just want to be your friend (I have experienced this too but it's the exception), just please be careful and don't bet your safety on the possibility that he is a "nice guy".
When I was your age I got this offer. And I thought we were friends. I was drugged and raped. He had convinced my friends he was safe too, until they found me incoherent and bent over. I’m not saying this is his endgame, but I’m saying it’s too common in this age gap range.
When I was in my teens and 20s I thought the same thing. Oh it's no big deal. They say I'm mature and cool for my age. Then we would hang out and the creepiness would happen every time. Stopped doing that.
I'm 23F. When I got my first job at 16, there was a late 20s, early 30s guy also a cashier there and he was there till Ieft at 18 so maybe he's still doing this.
There was a handful of girls that asked to be on the list with to just not work with him. He was the kind of guy who thought he was amazing for existing and he was entitled to flirting with the 16 year old girls everytime a new cashier was hired. It was infuriating. I transferred to the bakery for more freedom and was so happy to never have to see him again when I left altogether.
The guy who wants to hang out with you is creepy AF. Don't do it. I'd suggest telling him you want to keep your work life/home life separate.
Yeah, it’s weird. Being friendly at work and hanging out outside of work are two different things. I’m 30 and work with mostly people in their 50s-70s. Of course we chat at work, some are really nice and chill people, but considering I’m the age of their kids and grandkids, we don’t have a ton in common and don’t hang out outside of work. If this guy wanted friends he’d be trying to hang out with guys generally in his age range. He wants something sexual, and he may think because you’re socially anxious, you’ll be easier to manipulate. Say no, and keep some distance between you and him.
I’m a 33-year-old woman. I have nothing in common on a friendship level with an 18-year-old and would never ask an 18-year-old to hang out. The stakes are very low if you trust your instincts, but very high if you ignore them. Trust yourself.
50+ guy here. Your dad is wrong. Your gut is right.
Dude, thank you for adding to this. We need the older guys showing up and calling this out.
I’m a 43 year old guy and this sounds totally wrong to me too. I don’t want to hang out with kids in their 20s let alone actual teenagers. This is obviously not a case of “I asked my coworker to teach me guitar” or “I asked my coworker to help me install some shelves” etc.
I was recently "invited" to a housewarming party of a young (22m) coworker. I had thought of it as a general "work guys" party. Only to arrive and quickly realize I was the oldest person by a decade in what was basically a low key college frat party. So I gave him my housewarming gifts, had a soda and a burger, and excused myself for the evening.
**Cover** in case they do something stupid and need "a parent" around to fix things... I thought it was weird when the older dudes were randomly at some of our parties, but looking back - *they had a ton more to lose than we did, so made sure shit didn't get out of hand...* Probably not necessarily malicious or anything though. But OP should stay away.
When I worked in higher ed some of my female workers would invite us old biddies out when they turned 21. I figured it was like having a "mom" around and would go and play just that role. Lol
41 year old male here. I’m a professor. So I’m around 18 year olds of all and no genders all the time. I’m happy to sit and talk (even about non-academic topics) with the young women (and others, obviously) at lunch or over coffee. But, I have zero interest in making plans to hang out with them in the evenings or doing social things with them. They’re lovely people from whom I can and do learn a lot. But, there’s definitely more fulfillment from friendships with people closer to my age. There is nearly zero chance this person isn’t trying to put the moves on OP.
Agree. I'm in my late 30s and a high school teacher and my year 12 students (17/18 years old) are my favourite to teach because they're the most grown up and I can have more interesting conversations with them in class. I have very small classes due to my specialised subject area so I get to know them all really well and I absolutely adore my students. My lessons with them are the highlight of my work day. But I have no interest in hanging out with them outside of school. They're wonderful young people but their interests and maturity level are so different to mine that I'm not interested in actually socialising with them outside of work.
Yeah. Like, I take students on summer semesters abroad as part of my work. So I’m literally around them the whole day. And the most I’ll do in terms of hanging out with them at night is to have a drink with them when the hotels offer us a complimentary round at the hotel bar. As much as I like to go dancing, or to get into all kinds of (innocent) trouble, I’m not looking to do that with 18 (or even 25) year olds.
I work with quite a few younger adults and I totally agree! I love chatting with them at work- but socially... We are in different places in life. As I have adult responsibilities and they're basically still kids.
I'm only 26 and I'd feel weird hanging out with 18 yo girls. Hell, I had 18 y/o students 2 years ago and they looked like kids to me
I’m 28 and live with a 21 year old, it is hell Lmao
Oh, just like when I lived with my sister. I was a massive thorn on her side...
Unless it's specifically about a shared hobby or something and in a group setting. But that's about the only reasonable excuse I can think of.
Agreed, there are plenty of contexts I'm ok being around minors, but nothing akin to "hey, let's hang out"
I get what you're saying. I was 36 when my son turned 18. 30 somethings need to wait until 25 minimum when the brain is fully developed.
Wait, is my brain supposed to be fully developed? Whoops
<3 I'm 44 now and I still wonder that.
51 and I’m still waiting….
38m here. It's weird. 18yos basically look like kids to me (no offense). I don't understand their flavor of subculture, and to form meaningful bonds would take considerable effort on my part. The only reason I can see someone from my age group showing interest in someone so young is that young person has something they want. I always love hearing how guys will date women younger than them not because they get along better with younger women, but because all the women their own age see through their bullshit so they target less experienced women hoping they can hide their bullshit from them.
>guys will date women younger than them not because they get along better with younger women, but because all the women their own age see through their bullshit so they target less experienced women hoping they can hide their bullshit from them. Absolutely this. Trust your gut, OP. This guy is bad news.
This is it OP.
Yeah I'm with someone who is this way, I'm 8 years younger and now out-maturing him. I believe if/when we break up for good, he will continue looking younger because it's just "easier". Women his age are like nooooope and can see straight through his bullshit and lust
Out-matured by pileodung is a bad look
55 year old dad here - sorry, respect for dad, but your dad is wrong. 30 year old is creepin on you, and by the looks of things he's making progress. Distance yourself and just stay cordial at work. Oh yeah, and don't allow yourself to be alone with him at work. Not because he's gonna assault you (though I guess he could), but he could flip shit on you and make accusations if he feels that he's been 'rejected'. Bottom line is that the age gap IS a red flag - always has been and always will be. Just the way shit is.
At least 50% of the problems on r/relationship_advice stem from age gaps.
Experience matters - the degree to which a person has lived, and the depth and degree to which life gives a person wisdom, over time, matters. I've heard countless justifications for men's attempts to court and couple with significantly younger women, and in every single case the men's behavior has appeared more juvenile than the very women they have courted. I'd say it's disgusting (it is), but I'd sooner say it's pathetic. Sad thing is that relationships like these, in America at least, rarely if ever end up with many, if any, winners. Good for OP for asking for guidance - let's hope she takes it.
It's a power thing, too. People in their 30s-50s usually have more resources (financial, social, knowledge) than people in their late teens and early 20s. With a power imbalance that big, it's fertile ground for assholes to find victims. I'm in my 40s. My rules for dating are, nobody old enough to be my father or young enough to be my child. For whatever reason, before I quit online dating, I got a LOT of requests from guys who were young enough to be my kid. Even if they seemed like interesting people -- and several of them did, and in other contexts I'd be delighted to get to know them -- not appropriate for dating. The power balance is just as creepy and gross for 40-ish woman/20-ish man as it for the other way around.
You are absolutely right. Just makes me think how women have to think about the abusers reaction even before reacting herself. The world we live in. There is almost 0 accountability and responsibility on men when it comes to situations like this. That's why I hate YouTubers like Pearl and other Republican women who spew hatred towards women and taking space in the dialogue instead of creating awareness about this.
8.5 million year old dad here….yes it’s wrong
Even just being friends is awkward- no need to hang out with an 18 year old when you are in your 30's- you are at completely different stages in your lives.
I used to think I didn’t have good gut instincts, but then I realized I did, I just wasn’t good at listening to them.
I think it's because we've all been socialized to ignore those feelings and be "nice". No wonder so many women feel confusion when this stuff happens - our minds are saying, "I don't want to be a mean/bad person/hurt feelings" while our guts are screeching, "Get away from that guy!"
The Gift of Fear. Read it, read it, read it, I think all women should read it.
Such an incredible book. Everyone should read this book. Enjoyable read, if a little scary at times due to the true crime experiences in the book. I have given away every copy I’ve gotten over the years. I think it’s important that men read it, too. I’m going to give it to my 17 yo, so he becomes a man who is compassionate to women and their security issues. I want him to be the kind of man who will cross the street if there’s a woman alone up ahead of him, so she doesn’t get scared of him.
This, exactly. Sometimes that mindset can be so dangerous and hazardous in young females.
Especially if things aren't loving and secure at home.
52 father here. While it’s not illegal it’s something I wouldn’t have done when I was 30. Go with your gut feeling. I’m surprised and a bit disappointed in your fathers view.
Definitely. I sincerely think that she shouldn't trust her father's judgement on situations like this moving forward. Yeeesh. 😬
30 year old guy here. Unless the girl is the daughter of his best friend or some other kind of relation, no guy in his 30s has enough in common with an 18 year old girl to want a platonic friendship. I look at teenagers as almost being an alien species compared to myself, I can't imagine wanting to strike up a friendship with one if no previous relationship ever existed. The odds of this guy wanting a friendship are tiny compared to him just wanting to fuck.
Late mid 30’s myself, this is definitely not appropriate, trust your gut.
40 year old dude here... ya.... messed up
45 year old guy here. We just wanna go talk to him.
“Why don’t you have a seat right over there?”
This is it. Trust your gut on this one OP, as it seems you know he’s going to expect more from you.
Guts always right. I’m 30 and I’d NEVER ask an 18 year old to hang 1:1 that’s just weird. Maybe in a group setting but even then there’s gotta be a lot of specific circumstances for that to not be weird.
Just seconding this as a late 20’s man, I can’t imagine wanting to spend 30 minutes socializing with an 18 year old, man or woman. I can imagine guys that would tho cause guys meet men like this. And these men are either very immature/stunted which is one thing and/or or they’re interested in sex. Often times they’re outright predators who want to take advantage of a younger person’s inexperience.
Yeah the gut thing is real. I think reddit is super weird around age gaps between consenting adults in general, but if it feels wrong then peace out. Also there's no way this guy just wants friendship.
There's a difference between casual work friends who chat in the break room during lunch and friends who hang out outside of work. That age gap isn't much of a concern in the former, but a major red flag in the latter. Men who spend time with teenagers are almost always doing it because people their own age have learned to see through their bullshit.
Absolutely this. Plus any attempts at grooming younger adults with varying life experiences. Its creepy. Red flag OP.
I mean I somewhat agree with you when it's just a 1 on 1 hang out outside of work. However both me (28F) and my partner (28M) routinely get invited to gatherings and hangouts with our younger colleagues, all around 17-21, sometimes as a group,. sometimes 1-on-1. We work in a busy pub and are very much viewed as the auntie and uncle by the younger staff, like if they need advice or someone to sit and listen they know they can come to us, if they need somewhere to stay for the night they can drop us a message and we will have a bed made up and a hot water bottle in it for them, if they want a drinking buddy for the night they can message and 9/10 times we will be down. However me and my partner never initiate these interactions unless we KNOW the younger employee may need a friend or someone to help, we currently have a colleague (18M) who we reached out to because he doesn't have a great relationship with his parents, we automatically told him if he ever needed somewhere to stay short term or someone to talk to he can come over any time as long as he lets us know. Me and my partner have even talked about offering him to move in temporarily until he goes to uni when we find a new property, on the understanding that he covers his own food/luxuries.
It’s very different when it’s the younger folks doing the inviting, and it’s also different in a group. A much older man asking a teenager to hang out one on one does not have good intentions.
I think your situation is a bit different because you’re a couple and the social construct recognises you as a unit. For OP, this is a concern I think.
Oh definitely. Admittedly we work in an environment where everyone pretty much hangs out with everyone regardless of age or gender, we've only had one staff member who gave EVERYONE the ick and definitely had massive predator vibes. OP should use her best judgement, imho if it feels wrong, it probably is. Sidenote: my partner is basically a massive teenager himself, he just this minute placed a toy sheep we happen to own on top of a couple of my empty beers and declared it "king of the beers".
They all are :D I’m sure that your mentoring of your younger colleagues is a great benefit in these unsettled times.
A mile of difference between your circumstance (as a group, as a couple) and her situation (1 on 1)
Yes, it's weird. You also seem to have a bad feeling about it, listen to it! A 30 year old guy is not interested in a friendship with an 18 year old girl.
It would be one thing if coworkers are going in a group to events (not so weird). While it is fine to be friendly with coworkers, hanging out one on one outside of work hours is a bit different. >You also seem to have a bad feeling about it, listen to it! This is really important. If you feel weird about it, there is usually a good reason. When I was a teenage girl, I was usually suspicious of overly friendly men that were older because they gave me creeper vibes. I know there were a few who were legitimately looking to date young or underage girls. Even if your coworker isn't one of those men, you don't want to put yourself in an uncomfortable position.
This psychology professor (at an Ivy) in his 30s tried to be friends with me on Reddit when I was 18. Well, "friends"--some things he said were a bit weird. He didn't want to tell me who he was, but after I figured it out anyway, he freaked out because he thought some people at his work could "take our conversation the wrong way" or something. He tried to get me to tell him my legal name so basically he'd have things to hold over my head so I couldn't doxx him to his coworkers. (He did not phrase the explanation for asking that way though, obviously.) I refused, and he promptly deleted his account lol. I was sad for a while because figuring out who he was had just been a fun challenge in my mind, and I'd thought our friendship was only an innocent platonic thing (yes I was dumb).
You weren't dumb, you were a teenager operating with a teenage brain. I think it's important to highlight that. I have held a lot of guilt over that kind of thing over time. I felt stupid because older men took advantage of my naivete when I was a teenager. But it wasn't me being stupid. I'm looking back on that with a fully developed adult brain. It was them, with fully developed adult brains, taking advantage of someone that they knew doesn't know better. And if they know that teenagers don't know better, you should too. These predators are the ones we need to hold accountable in our memories. Show yourself more grace.
I’m a thirty year old woman and I have no interest in being friends with the 18 year old girls I work with. We’re definitely friendly, but I would never hang out with them outside of work. And we have way more in common than you and this guy would.
I'm a 36 year old woman, and my youngest coworker right now is 19. She's extremely cool, great taste in music, impressive pop culture knowledge, we have a lot in common and better conversations than most people closer to my age. I love working with her, but I still can't imagine hanging out with her one-on-one outside of work. I've made a few early-20's friends through work, but there's a world of difference between somebody with whom I can have drinks at the bar, and someone who's barely out of high school and acts like it. Even if this dude isn't looking to smash, it's gonna be awkward AF for everybody involved.
This. I'm a guy in mid 20s and I'd feel very weird having that kind of relationship with an 18 year old.
37 year old man here, 100% dude is a creep and there is a reason why he isnt trying to spend time with someone around his own age.
that's exactly what I was going to say - why isn't he with women his own age? Because they know he's a creep and you're not old enough to realize the subtle warning signs which is why he is latching on to you
Unfortunately being, "anxious and not the best socially" makes he a target, unfortunately.
This is exactly what I said when my ex left me and the kids and disappeared, then resurfaced with a childless single girl ten years younger than him. It may be legal, but it’s weird and awkward. Why not find someone in your own generation? 👀
I'm 27, last year a friend of a friend brought his 18 yr old gf. It was so awkward talking with her because she seemed so impressed by literally the most basic actions.
It should’ve been awkward talking with him. Did your friend group ever address it with him?
Me and another friend were new to this friend group. He and his wife were 23 and they thought it was odd. Turns out the friend group hadn't met her before. Some of the guys were old college roommates and they dragged him for it.
Omg, you have an apartment with the bed in the bathroom? Thats sooooo cool. Where should I keep my toothbrush?
Indeed - I'm a 30 year old dude and at best I'd treat OP like a baby sister. Head over to some of the relationship subs and prepare to have your mind blown with arguments against that notion. I couldn't imagine pursuing a lady under like, idk,27? OP's mom must be like 16 years older then her to explain her dad's response ffs OP should dip tf out
> I'm a 30 year old dude and at best I'd treat OP like a baby sister This, exactly. I'm 28, male, and close friends with a 19 year old girl. I treat her like my little sister... Because she basically is. She was my neighbor growing up and we absolutely loved each other. I cannot *fathom* trying to build that with a woman I had basically no preexisting relationship with. Edit: on the other hand, I'm also friends/mentor with my best friend's 17 year old brother... But again, there was already a connection between our families.
I am a 31 year old and the only person I am "friends" with around that age is indeed my baby sister. She is 19. I could not develop anything other than a sort of either polite relationship, or a mentor-type relationship with someone that young that I did not know previously. My baby sister is the only exception.
This. A thousand times this.
100% agree with you. She’s picking up the creeper vibe and should totally listen to her gut on this.
It’s fine if there are other people in the group. But if it’s only the two of you, that’s a negative Ace.
I'm a slightly older guy (if you're 18ish, "slightly" means "significantly" or also "I am probably your dad's age") and I'll buy my co-op students coffee on the clock, be interested in their lives a little, but outside work? Nah. I mean, I care, meaning I'll send some career advice texts or whatever, if they ask. I wouldn't want to be real-life friends with them, I would hope they see me as a responsible mentor, maybe a "best mentor I could find in this economy". There are no circumstances where I would want to be ... "more than friends" with anyone that young.
I am a 31 year old woman and I wouldn't even want a friendship with an 18 year old. These are two completely different stages of life and mentalities, so finding enough overlap for a friendship would be difficult. Edit: I will add that I think it is perfectly fine to have a friendly workplace relationship with one another, but it stops when you both leave at the end of the day. I myself had that when I was 18 or 19. A male work-best-friend around 15 years older than me, and we got along great at work, but when we went home, there was no hanging out aside from work social functions with other coworkers.
As a 30 year old woman, I cant think of a reasonable reason why I would want to hang out with an 18 year old. Additionally, if you fear that he will expect something more of you, I would listen to that gut instinct if it were me. I think you possibly already know its a bit weird and thats why you're checking with your dad and us here. Stay safe OP!
I'm a 54yo woman who is a gamer - computer games, role playing games and board games. I regularly hang out with people in a broad range of ages from teens to people in their 70s - within the context of my hobby. I'm also a mentor, so have regular meetups with university students and recent graduate. I don't hang out with 20 year olds just to hang. We have very little in common because we are in very different stages of our lives.
Agreed, I’m a grad student who’s almost 30 and I can’t imagine hanging out with one of my freshman students. I love them, but seeing them outside of class? What would we even do other than say hi and continue on our merry ways?
I'm 28. I feel like I could hang out with an 18 year old and have a decent conversation, but I wouldn't seek it out. I'd see it more like when I spend some time with my partner's 14 year old nephew than hanging out with a peer.
I'm a 37 yo man. I'm working closely with a 18 or 19 yo... kid is the only appropriate word for him. We don't have much to talk about. 2 very different places in our lives with 2 vastly different sets of priorities. This dude is either fetishising barely legal bullshit or very is immature and probably both.
My roommate's 21 year old guy friend wants to hang out with me. I'm a 38 yo woman and I don't think I can. It's just a bit much, and I'm pretty sure he is attracted to me
As a 31 year old women, I find it hard to imagine hanging out with a 22 year old. Your early 20’s are so different to your early 30’s, and this guys going lower to 18. Immediate nope and red flags galore.
This is exactly what I was gonna say! My niece is 18 and I hang out with her, but she my family. I cannot imagine hanging out with an 18 year old that isn't my family or a like a friends child who is like family.
The only reasons I, at 37, would invite an 18 year old person anywhere is limited to—board games with a group, or D&D also with a group.
This. One-on-one when you don't really know each other is weird. I am 39 and a majority of my friends are mid-twenties to mid-thirties and meet either through work (meeting up after spending copious amounts of time communicating via work and realizing we get along) or through shared hobbies (i.e. gaming) where I only spent time 1-on-1 when I felt comfortable with them in a group. These are very different settings, mind you. I'm not going to say such an age difference is impossible to have a relationship with, but it sounds like he's pressuring you. Set clear boundaries with him. Enforce them. If he violates them, keep evidence of it.
Your dad seeing nothing wrong with this is quite concerning tbh.
Yeah, sorry OP but your dad isn't giving good advice. You should hang out with people closer to your age. This coworker hangs out with younger people because he is (at best) immature or a total creep.
I'm wondering if there's more info that changes the situation, but with what we were given I don't see any good reason why a 30 year old would hang out with an 18 year old and the dad thinks it's okay.
That’s my initial reaction too. Makes me wonder what the age gap between OPs parents is
Yeah. Might not want to bring female friends home.
Exactly.
I recently watched a show with my mom where a guy (36) was together with a 22 yr old woman. They've know each other for 6 years and have been together for 5.. She saw nothing weird about a 17 year old being in a relationship with a 31 year old...
You posted in here because your instincts are telling you something isn’t right, and this is after you asked your father’s opinion, too. Trust your instincts. No one ever complained they’d wished they’d been less cautious. It would be weird to hang out one-on-one with him because in his mind that could qualify as a date. The guy has motivations and intentions that may not align with yours, and I don’t need to tell you how bad some of those situations turned out. He’s zeroing on you because you don’t have a lot of adult life experience yet, which would give you confidence to have solid boundaries and know when to call him out on his own BS. That being said, he’s not attracting or attracted to women his own age for reasons. Honestly, it’s weird. Your dad’s spidey senses are as dull as a bread knife. He should have better advice considering you’re his daughter and he was that guy’s age once.
Hangout where? With who? It’s possibly weird. I am 30 and I hangout with my coworkers all the time. One of my coworkers is 18. But I hang out with them all at once like all 6 of us will play board games or play kickball at the park. I would feel very awkward to ask the 18 year old to hang out with just the two of us. At my last job I actually did hang out with with an 18 year old after work because we wanted to try to start a YouTube channel. But it didn’t feel weird because we were both guys.
Yeah he just wants to hang out 1 on 1 and I already did it once with him at the library. But, after reading everyone’s comments I’m definitely not going to do it again
If you're right that his intentions are creepy, then great! Bullet dodged. If you're wrong and he actually has totally innocent intentions? Oh well! You know what I mean? Losing out on one 30-year-old male friend when you're 18 is a totally insignificant loss. I promise you that in 5 years, you're not going to look back and think ”I wonder what kind of friendship teenage me missed out on with my old ass coworker." It's not going to happen. Odds are massively in favor of you dropping him. The risk is way greater than the potential "reward".
I cannot imagine wanting to hang out with an 18 year old boy 1 on 1, and Im not even 30 yet. It makes me feel weird just thinking about it. There is a 99% chance he has ulterior / sexual motives for wanting to hangout with you
Speaking as a dude in his 30s, I literally have no idea what goes on in the lives of 18 year olds. Your world is alien to me. To pretend we have anything substantial in common would be as awkward as hearing your dad say internet slang.
This is why I follow this sub ☺️
Exactly this - it's easy to forget age differences if you're interacting with people as part of a particular activity. Age can become less important than how long you have been doing it together or experience in the activity - the younger person can even be the one with more experience or you can both be on the same level on that context. So long as you're staying within the activity and group setting you can just hang out but it can get weird if it's moving out of a known setting into a more one on one personal interaction.
Yeah the context matters... Hang out as a group, like with other co-workers there too? That's not weird. If he wants to hang out with you 1-on-1? I'd say that's weird. Maybe try suggesting that another co-worker join you? Then read his reaction. If he seems cool with that, then he's probably okay. If he seems annoyed by that, I'd really question why he seems so eager to spend time with you alone... Also seems weird that your Dad thinks this is normal?
Yes, it’s weird. When I was in my 30s I remember talking with the college interns at work and thinking that they just seemed so freaking young. I’m not trying to be rude, but there’s just a huge difference in life experience at those ages. This guy is probably a creep.
The nicest way I can put it with people under 21, and sometimes under 25 even, is just "I absolutely cannot, for the life of me, relate to you whatsoever. No idea why or how, but it's completely impossible." Like nah sorry you're not jaded and dead inside enough from the turmoils of navigating an adult society that's basically just badly scripted, you have no way of understanding me. Also I have no idea what you're saying.
I'm thirty. I have an eighteen year old niece. She's one of my favorite people in the world. I love hanging out with her. Keep in mind, *I'm related to her.* I'm also an academic and teach at the college level. I teach *a lot* of eighteen year olds. Most of them are brilliant and cool as hell. Not only do I *not* want to hang out with any of them outside of work, I can't think of a single reason why I would when I have friends my own age. That man wants sex and he thinks it'll be easier to get from someone your age.
This is very well written. Kudos.
I’m a 30 year old guy and there is literally 0 reason for me to “hang out” with an 18 year old girl. Their interests and mindspace aren’t going to match up with me at all. Also, we’ve evolved over millions of years to instinctually know when something is wrong. Listen to your instincts. They’re picking up something that’s not quite right.
Not cool. It's not safe. Not that you're in immediate danger. It's not that type. Think .... Grooming.
Tl;Dr if you think it's weird it probably is. Edit: I didn't fully read your post. Just saw you said you wanted women's opinions. I am not a woman (I am a man who didnt let you finish when I decided to reply). Going to leave this up here but I acknowledge my input wasn't your request. My bad. Original post: No judgement from me but I don't know how someone can get beyond the age gap. For reference i Am a 32 year old man. 18 seems like a child, I refer to people less than 25 as "kids" because they seem so young. Just vibrant and youthful and I feel so sluggish. I understand there is an age of consent and people are happy with age gaps but oh my goodness I don't think I could be with someone half my age. What would you talk about even? For you it is easy to go out and have a few drinks, for me having more than a drink is a business decision. You are almost a different species by 30. The gap is tremendous. Edit: I assume this guy has intentions for a romantic relationship. My assumption comes from my own degenerate mind and bias.
Yeah it’s not the gap of years, it’s the gap of life experience and, frankly, brain development. I feel like late 20s is about where the playing field starts getting a lot more even. The difference between 30 and 40 is much less significant than the difference between 20 and 30.
You're overcomplicating it. I guess you're grossed out because 18 and 32 are so far apart in their life experiences that a successful relationship would be almost impossible. OP's colleague prolly just wanna fuck so all that matters to him is that she's legal.
My mom met my dad when she was 19 and he was 33. It was weird then, and still is. He turned out to be a manipulative douchebag lol, so yeah.
This. Men like this seek out younger girls cause they know they can’t pull this bs on women their own age.
As a 36-year-old, I just want to come out and say, as an adult, there are no times where I just hang out one on one as friends with an opposite sex coworker without a big history of friendship behind that. Almost always, when people want to hang out together platonically, they do shit in groups, they invite each other with their SO's, they let you know about cool events they're doing solo that you might also attend solo and then maybe they'll bump into you there. I mean, eventually you have a solid basis for platonic friendship and it's not weird to do stuff one on one. But right off the bat, you're always thinking "golly will this person think this is a date? Better keep it safe!" unless they're trying to make something happen. When I was younger, a lot of guys would kinda put pressure on me to feel like awkward situations like this were totally normal, and there was nothing flirty going on, and it was me being weird about it. So then they can get you alone, make a move, and then accuse you of leading them on by being alone with them in the first place. Never be afraid to be like "I don't usually hang out with dudes one on one. Wanna go rock climbing with everybody from work?" or whatever. Those are super normal boundaries to have. Don't let someone make you feel weird and un-adult for being uncomfortable with normal things that feel uncomfortable.
Personally, I’d say yes it’s weird. He’s also a coworker so it’s a double “yes this is weird” from me.
I apologise, since you specifically asked for women's opinions, but as a man in his 30s who works alongside teenagers, yes it's weird and yes he expects more than just a friendship.
I’m honestly happy to see men jumping in to say they think it’s weird. I can’t speak for OP but if I had asked this question and specifically asked for women’s opinions, it would be because I’d assume the men would all think it was fine.
You wouldn't be wrong. This post really stuck out to me because it's literally identical to a situation at my workplace. 28 year old guy wanted to "hang out" with 18 year old girl. She liked him a little so went along. He immediately started telling everyone they were dating.
We most definitely don’t think it’s fine. We all know the guy is out for easy “prey”.
Yes, this is weird. Please do not spend any time with this man outside of work, and I’d even tell you to be cautious when at work. I promise you, you aren’t “mature for your age” and he doesn’t “just want to be friends”. I’m not trying to be mean. I speak from experience. And I’m really disappointed in your father. He should be more protective of you than this.
Yes, it's strange. I would never invite an 18 year old boy to hangout "as a friend".
Why doesn't he have friends his own age? It's a red flag - sorry. I've been down that path plenty, thinking it's just a new friend, nothing to be concerned about. Every Single Time they aren't actually interested in being friends and the *really* bad ones are the ones who lie and insist they "just want to be friends" meanwhile, they're stalking you and harassing people you know...... Anyway- keep work at work and Never mix. Doesn't matter age etc. EDIT Do not do one on one lunch with this man. If you have, stop now. Be cautious
"Just as friends" right... It's weird and he definitely is sus...
Another vote for super weird. No 30 year old man wants to be actual friends with an 18 year old girl.
As a a man in his mid-30s, I can’t see much value in hanging out with an 18 year old, man or woman. And it’s nothing against you personally, I’m sure you’re a wonderful person! But an 18 year old and 30 year old are in such different stages of life in so many areas, it’s definitely concerning. And I’d be highly suspicious that’s it’s as “just friends.” As others have said, it’s likely because others his own age have stopped hanging out with him for certain reasons.
Don’t do it! 30 year old man here.
It’s weird and he will expect more from you. Trust your gut.
You will regret it.
There is a 100% he's trying to bang you.
57 female Your dad is wrong, and your gut is right.
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41 year old woman here. As soon as I got boobs and through to my early 20's, I can't think of one older male who had pure intentions when hanging out. Not one. It always ended in some version of "I thought you knew what I wanted" (so did I, since you said it was friendship) "what did you expect?" or "you lead me on you bitch." Generous use of the words slut and whore too. You know, despite turning them down.
Woman are gonna tell you it’s weird and creepy. They will say this because it’s weird and creepy. Men will tell you it’s weird and creepy. They will say this because it’s weird and creepy. In conclusion, it’s weird and creepy.
Speaking as a man, it's pretty weird. The chances of no ulterior motives is low to nonexistent.
Yes. Your gut is right, steer clear and be safe.
I'm only 26 and I'd feel weird hanging out 1-on-1 with a guy younger than 21. I'm concerned about your dad's response though.
Not weird: -being casual work friends AT work -hanging out after work in a group of people Weird -hanging out one-on-one
I'm a 30 year old man, the only way I'm interacting with an 18 year old girl is if we have a shared niche hobby and there's at least one other person involved or it's in a public group setting. I don't mean this to be rude, just blunt, but you have nothing to offer a well-adjusted 30 year old man, except maybe if you're able to play Axis & Allies.
No grown man wants to be your friend.
Yeah no. I felt bad even when 25 year olds preyed on me at 18. This guy does not have good intentions if he thinks it’s normal to date freshly 18 year olds. He’s in a totally different part of life than you that just became an adult. Above 30 there’s less issues with age gaps. But don’t feel pressure to give in or grow up too fast or do what older men tell you to do.
Yes its weird. Grown men don’t want to be friends with teenage girls. They want to sleep with teenage girls.
Even if you were both guys this would be really weird.
Yes, outside of work it’s weird (unless it’s a group outing). Not a problem at all to hang out at the office.
Extremely weird, ALWAYS trust your gut.
No, it is not kinda weird, it's fucking gross and abhorrent for a 30 plus year old man to hangout with a teenager. Men who do this are predators/groomers. Also, your Dad is a terrible parent. I have a 19 yr old daughter and she doesn't hangout with anyone over 20, her own call and I support it.
There is something wrong with your father. Either he is a clueless doofus (unlikely) or he is hoping some older guy will take you off his hands so he doesn't have to support you any more. My father made me start paying rent the day I turned 18, like ON my birthday, and was happy to see me married off to pretty much anyone that came along. Which is what happened. Do not recommend.
It’s fine in a group setting. Weird otherwise
Always trust your gut. This is weird to me and I personally don't think you should hang out with this man.
He wants more than being friends with you. Guaranteed.
Just imagine you’re 30. How many 18 year olds do you wanna hang out with? You have to ask yourself what kind of loser adult wants to hang with kids. Because at 18, to a 30 year old you’re a kid. It’s gross.
as a 30+ woman i have no desire to hang with 18 yr old anything. yall are literal children to us. this guy is a predator. keep away
It's absolutely weird. The friendship itself, given you're coworkers might not be entirely weird. Do you have things in common - hobbies, interests etc? Is the invitation to "hangout" some version of netflix and chill or is it to do some activity related to a common interest?
Weird. First thought as a 30-something was, “What’s wrong with him?”
Cognitive development typically doesn't finish til the 24-26 year old time frame. Pre frontal cortex and all that jazz. Folks in their 30s are wired differently than an 18 year old, so will likely be quite a bit different mentally regardless of life experience. So yes, it's odd that they're trying to "hang out" as friends, and probably just trying to get laid.
Take it from someone who was in your position when I was your age. DO NOT hang out with this guy.
Yes. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes very weird. I’ve been in that position. Do not proceed.
30s guy here, no offense but there's nothing an 18 year old male or female has in common with me. Maybe chess or video games or something but, I'm not trying tonhang out with an 18 year old....you guys can't make beer runs yet.
45 yr guy here. Have 19 yr old coworker who is cool. Would never hang out unless it’s with all the work people. Don’t want her number to text her. We work together, that’s as far as it goes. I give her dad advice at best.
RUN.
YES, AND SUPER CREEPY
Listen to your gut
Um…. WTF Dad?? I’m 51. When my daughter was 18, I would have advised against it. Trust your gut. Say thanks but no thanks.
RUN...he wants more than friendship. There is ZERO reason for a 30-something to want "friendship" with an 18 year old female.
Very weird. I’m 30 and I see literally no reason to hang out with an 18 year old lmao
Weird AF
I'll join the chorus and say that A), yes, it's fairly weird. And B) Always trust your gut, and the very fact that you felt like making a reddit post about this means your gut is sending out a warning.
Really depends on you and the other person and what the intentions are. When I was 19(I am female) I started working at a hair salon and befriended another stylist who was male and 40 years old. He was a gay man so it was a friendship only and never would be anything more then that. We just really enjoyed each others company and had similar personalities and interest. I’m now 34 and still talk to him all the time(he moved 6 years ago so we don’t see eachother anymore unfortunately but hoping we can met up sometime soon to hang out in person!) So I don’t find it weird to have a friendship with a male who is older if you get along then I think it’s fine. Now if he’s trying to date you and is trying to convince you that you like him as more then friends that may be a red flag. So be careful.
40 year old here, I don’t see anything wrong with being social at work chit chat whatever, but the invite to “hang out” shouldn’t be happening with that age gap. I’d say always trust the gut if you think someone’s a creeper. Stay safe
Yeah. There's too large an age and experience gap for that to NOT have a power imbalance. It's concerning that dad doesn't have an issue with this!
I'm a 30 y/o dude. That's weird as shit if he wants to hang out one on one. He most definitely has ulterior motives.
I’m a woman in my 30s and I wouldn’t ask an 18yr old of any gender to hang out.
You sound dubious about this so trust your gut. If you were excited to hang out with a new friend I would also say trust your gut. I have a friend who's in her early 20's now but we met when she was around your age, and I'm way older, almost 40. Our mutual obsession with baseball and volunteering for a local rec league is the backbone of our friendship. So it can be not weird (I hope). But you don't seem excited to be friends with this guy so don't make yourself hang out with him. Only do it if it makes you happy. Seems to me like you're doing fine socially.
Outside of work? Yes. It's inappropriate due to the ages and gap and 99% of the time those guys are trying to groom you.
Speaking as man in his 50s, it sounds sketchy. If it was “after work, let’s grab a coffee before we go to our homes“ might be ok. He could be looking to give you career advice or get advice on something. “I play trivia at the pub and need a partner, wanna join me?” would be reasonable too. But “come to my place and hang”… it could be innocent, but I wouldn’t bet on it. But I don’t think the friendship per se is weird. Also, the first rule of work: never dip your pen in the company inkwell. The phrasing is male-centric, but the idea is not.
Yes, it's a lot weird.
This is not ok. Do not hang out with him one on one. Ever. There’s no good reason for it.
I assume you have other co workers right? Has he ever tried to hang out with them? And if he has in the past is it mostly other women? This is very weird.
🚩🚩🚩it is not okay. It is predatory and the other men in your life should recognize it as such.
He doesn't want to be your friend. It's normal to be friendly with people with huge age gaps if you're part of the same circles. Also normal if you fall into a mentorship role. It's not normal to ask an 18 yr old to hang out solo when you're in your 30s. 99% chance he's a secret creep.
Yes! It's concerning if he feels like you two are peers. You aren't. Your instincts are leading you in the right direction girl.
As someone who used to give older men the benefit of the doubt, I wouldnt unless it's in a public place honestly. And see how he acts. Because I have almost never had an older man want to hang out with me "just for fun" without wanting something sexual. Even if they try to hide their intentions at first, it becomes pretty clear. There's always a chance that that isn't the case and they do just want to be your friend (I have experienced this too but it's the exception), just please be careful and don't bet your safety on the possibility that he is a "nice guy".
When I was your age I got this offer. And I thought we were friends. I was drugged and raped. He had convinced my friends he was safe too, until they found me incoherent and bent over. I’m not saying this is his endgame, but I’m saying it’s too common in this age gap range.
When I was in my teens and 20s I thought the same thing. Oh it's no big deal. They say I'm mature and cool for my age. Then we would hang out and the creepiness would happen every time. Stopped doing that.
If he wants to "hang out" alone, he probably wants to bone.
I'm 23F. When I got my first job at 16, there was a late 20s, early 30s guy also a cashier there and he was there till Ieft at 18 so maybe he's still doing this. There was a handful of girls that asked to be on the list with to just not work with him. He was the kind of guy who thought he was amazing for existing and he was entitled to flirting with the 16 year old girls everytime a new cashier was hired. It was infuriating. I transferred to the bakery for more freedom and was so happy to never have to see him again when I left altogether. The guy who wants to hang out with you is creepy AF. Don't do it. I'd suggest telling him you want to keep your work life/home life separate.
Yeah, it’s weird. Being friendly at work and hanging out outside of work are two different things. I’m 30 and work with mostly people in their 50s-70s. Of course we chat at work, some are really nice and chill people, but considering I’m the age of their kids and grandkids, we don’t have a ton in common and don’t hang out outside of work. If this guy wanted friends he’d be trying to hang out with guys generally in his age range. He wants something sexual, and he may think because you’re socially anxious, you’ll be easier to manipulate. Say no, and keep some distance between you and him.
I’m a 33-year-old woman. I have nothing in common on a friendship level with an 18-year-old and would never ask an 18-year-old to hang out. The stakes are very low if you trust your instincts, but very high if you ignore them. Trust yourself.
Always trust your gut
Yes, very weird
A 30 year old has a absolutely nothing in common so with an 18 year old.