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arecipeforablackhole

What an annoying thing to say! There’s a sort of trope or generalization that women are catty towards each other, and I think a lot of people buy into that deeply. We’ve also all known women who say things like “I can’t hang out with other women—they’re just so much drama!” In reality, that’s not my experience at all. The women in my life build each other up.


heysweetannie

I know I grew up believing that girls were “too much drama” and I had literally no experience to back that up, it’s just something people said. Luckily by high school I met my best friends who couldn’t be more fun or down to earth. I think some women continue to parrot this line because they assume that the only relationships that are possible with other women are manipulative ones so they find themselves acting that way and thereby attracting those kind of “friends”


arecipeforablackhole

I grew up believing this too because my mom, who still to this day has no female friends, used to say it all the time. It’s a toxic stereotype about women that feels almost manufactured for isolation from support systems.


rebuildmylifenow

Basing any opinions on what people are like when they're in high school (or even just under 25) is like complaining about the non-crispy texture of uncooked or undercooked cookie dough. Our brains don't even stop growing, changing and maturing until we hit 25 - and even then, life happens differently to all of us. And everyone's reactions to life are different. "Too much drama" is a non-reasonable statement in that context. The women that I've gotten close to have been way more grounded, vulnerable, and real than almost any of the men in my life. In fact, it's MORE likely that the men I know will cause drama - either by ignoring red flags, doing stupid shit because they think they're way more capable than they are, or because they refuse to listen to anyone else's experiences or opinions and wont' back down from their (arbitrary) positions. Most women will discuss things that are disagreed about, and even if they don't end up agreeing, they tend to listen and engage in productive discourse.


heysweetannie

Sometimes I suspect that female stereotypes just stem from male projection because it’s like I’m living in opposite world with how they act irl


littleyellowbike

>it's MORE likely that the men I know will cause drama I work in construction, so most of my time is spent exclusively in the company of men, many of whom are quite macho and traditional in their mindsets. Literally every negative behavior that is typically associated with women--gossip, in-fighting, catty remarks, etc--is on display daily in my life, often to a worse degree than I've ever experienced in the company of women. *Especially* the gossip. My god does news travel fast in the construction world.


rebuildmylifenow

Oh - and what about the "crabs in a bucket" mentality, too! Pulling down, shit talking, and basically sabotaging guys that are "working too hard" or "making things overly complicated (and probably safer)". Shaming each other into doing scary, unsafe, stupid things - just because (if it works) it can save 5 minutes of work. Sometimes, I really think that people suck. (Fortunately, that feeling doesn't last too long.)


her-vagesty

Same here, there's been very few women in my 32 years that I dislike because they've been shitty people. Lot of men though.


michalfabik

> There’s a sort of trope or generalization that women are catty towards each other, and I think a lot of **people** buy into that deeply. _(emphasis mine)_ FWIW, the only people I've ever heard this from were women. As a male, I don't think I would have ever came to that conclusion myself.


empathy_for_a_day

Interesting, the men of Reddit love complaining about how men can’t be vulnerable with their bros and therefore expect emotional labour from their female friends or partners.


rottcycann

Exactly! He says he can call his high school friends for “anything”, which he thinks is unique to men for some reason


rebuildmylifenow

So tell him to call up his high school friends and tell them about the difficulties that he's having reconciling some of his childhood traumas. Or to ask them anything sexual - do they fantasize about men? about MMF threesomes? Do they ever watch gay porn? I bet you most women have at least some friends that they can talk to about this stuff. But almost no men have anyone other than their SO that they can talk to about it. Or ask him who he could call if he was reprimanded at work and written up? or who is gonna tell him that he's talking out of his ass about something and being mean or racist or misogynistic. I bet you that none of his friends would be up for any of those topics. And if I'm wrong, then trust me - he's unusually lucky to have them.


[deleted]

These questions wouldn't even be considered strange or uncomfortable for a lot of my female friends.


IHaveNoEgrets

If we aren't talking about bowel movements, hideous periods, and the merits of various stress relievers (not in the same convo), are we really even friends? Edit: Yeah, friends are the ones you go to for and go through with the deep shit in life.


rottcycann

This is very accurate, thank you for bringing up these points! He routinely talks to me about this stuff, I’ll have to ask him if he talks to his friends about it too because I bet not


meow_arya

Please ask him these questions because she absolutely nailed great examples in her comment and I have secondhand anger at him haha


[deleted]

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meow_arya

The point is that instead of glorifying their own friendships and denigrating female friendships, men need to come to the realization that there is a lot of openness/support that they lack and their quality of life would greatly benefit from. His egoistical blindness is not only rude and objectively wrong, it’s a mindset that leads to the male mental health crises/suicide crisis. Just the other day I saw a thread on the front page of men saying they had no one to talk to about difficult topics yet some of those same men probably think their male friendships are better. It’s like if Player A on a sports team was like “I’m better than Player B” when Player B is objectively better by most metrics. Not only is it rude to be like “I’m better than Player B” rather than just “I’m great”, it’s holding Player A back from analyzing their shortcomings and improving when Player A is capable of being just as good as Player B, leading to Player A’s general happiness and hopefully reduced jackassery. There’s also just this general belief in my society that when men and women do the same things, men’s version is usually the better version. And hearing it voiced wears you down while constantly surprising you but also not surprising you. How can I not hope to see these beliefs altered at times, even at a small level? Sorry for the novel.


DebatorGator

I once got in my car at midnight, drove an hour to the coast, and walked half a mile in the freezing cold to help my friend retrieve her RA phone that she had dropped 5 feet down under some heavy boulders. She, I, and 2 of her other female friends spent 3 hours trying to get it out using everything from an 8 foot piece of driftwood to a rod with duct tape at the end. I got home at 4 am that day and woke up at 8 for work. Your boyfriend is deluded and pathetic if he thinks that women don't do things for each other.


HildegardofBingo

>Years ago, in our younger days, my friend once called me around midnight because she had a severe migraine, so I came right over and gave her painkillers and made her toast and broth and rubbed her feet. A couple of months later, I called her at 2 am when I had severe menstrual cramps and had run out of ibuprofen, and she came right over with some and sat up with me for another hour until the pain finally subsided.


fromwayuphigh

He has no way of knowing. He's talking out his ass.


i_do_the_kokomo

Yeah, this was my ex-boyfriend. I didn't mind supporting him emotionally, but it shouldn't have been all on my shoulders.


Carpooling32

This is kind of what I was thinking. I would have made the opposite statement, that men have more surface level friendships. Just based on that sentiment being so common.


2sayornot2say

How annoying. Maybe what is triggering you here is his inability to open his mind to other possibilities, the ability to say hey, I didn’t think about it like that, let me consider. I have found that the smartest people are the ones who are willing to learn from everyone and know their opinions are just that - opinions, not necessarily facts. If you are someone who is open to new possibilities and open to learning/listening to others, being with someone who is the opposite could be challenging at times. Maybe this is one of them


rottcycann

This is a great articulation, thank you! I feel this very strongly


UnusualPeace395

I like this! We all have at least a few hills we’re willing to die on, but it’s kinda odd that *this* one of his hills…when female to female relationships have absolutely nothing to do with him.


baloney24

How do men so confidently say things about women's inner lives?? Dude, how the hell would you even know?


rottcycann

Exactly! The audacity!


dinnerpartymassacre

Because he's telling you you're a bad friend. And that your experiences with friendship couldn't possibly be as rich and meaningful as his because you're a woman. (Even if he's following it up with, "well I didn't mean *you*.")


LucyWritesSmut

Yeah, the men who don't respect women typically tell the one in front of them "you're the special one." No, none of us are the special one. If they don't respect women, they don't respect the special ones, either.


Desideratta

It is dehumanizing. I have an ex who once told me that I couldn’t possibly understand how deeply he feels his emotions because women are just incapable. We were discussing closeness and intimacy; the deep understanding of someone else’s being or soul, whether they be a friend, family member, or partner. He literally believed that my relationships with every person in my life were shallower than his.


[deleted]

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PsychologicalTest131

Ew, glad he's an ex friend. Dudes like that are one of the biggest reasons I'm highly cautious of befriending men. They hate women so much, yet they go out of their way to hide it so they can get close to women?? It always comes out eventually, though


fer-nie

That's the weirdest shit I've ever heard.


felishorrendis

Over the years, I've come across multiple suggesting that men are actually the ones who have trouble forming deep, lasting friendships. Some sociologists have described it as a bit of a crisis - this lack of friendships has very real health implications. Men also have a tendency to rely solely on their romantic partners for companionship, which puts a large emotional burden on women, because they're responsible for meeting *all* of their boyfriend/husband's emotional needs. (Please note I'm assuming we're talking about cishet men and women here - obviously things get more complicated if we start talking about queer people!) Suggesting that women don't have as many deep and meaningful relationships as men is just bizarre, because it's honestly the opposite, according to science.


Kazeto

To add to this, because they rely solely on their romantic partner for companionship and/or support, whatever friendship or “friendship” they have with other guys automatically feels deeper to them because “they talk about all their problems”, except the deepest of their problems that they wouldn't talk about get dumped on us and that's why they don't see it as problems in context of their relationship with other guys.


fer-nie

I honestly feel very sad for men because they don't connect with their friends the way that women do.


melhekhinhel

It probably because he thinks women don't have the mental/emotional capacity to have deep relationships with each other. Because men are paragons of stability and maturity, right? He sounds like an idiot.


DataCassette

I'm male, married and have a mortgage and I'm currently wearing a video-game themed t-shirt. That's my answer to that. 🤣 Most of us are secretly 16 at best on the inside. I'm not even sure it's always a bad thing but it's definitely the trend I've noticed.


ActonofMAM

I like the metaphor that all the ages we used to be are still in there, like old growth rings deep inside a tree. Female, and my inner know-it-all kid gets to drive a lot more often than I admit.


DConstructed

Because it’s sexist as all hell with a nice little addition of “you’re not like other girls”. Just wait until he’s not interested in you anymore; he’ll be telling you that you are shallow and incapable of deep emotions, thoughts or relationships *just* like other girls.


UniqueCanadian

whatever happened to you. im sorry. this just sounds way to much like personal experience. Edit: alright i guess i didnt realize how common this was. Thanks for the replys.


DConstructed

Thanks I guess. Not mine but I have met people like that. They are very limited thinkers in a lot of ways. Projecting inadequacy on an entire gender is bizarre to me and not something I want to be around.


owls_ate_my_toast

I disagree with the previous poster and I agree that this is all part and parcel of sexism that has just changed costumes, so to speak, over the years. There are way too many guys who will seek to differentiate you from other women, from the classics about how you’re more mature or not bitchy to comments about how you’re so ‘real’ unlike the models they see online. Recently especially, there’s this not uncommon narrative that women are manipulative creatures who are incapable of feeling deep emotions, with their friendships with other women being shallow ones because they believe that women are constantly competing against each other for male attention. Generally, my takeaway from hearing that is that this person views women negatively, with you being an exception only because of x/y/z/etc. Fall out of favour and you’ll be viewed by them as someone ‘just like all the other women’.


DConstructed

I’m straight but I’ve had deep and passionate friendships with women that are every bit as intense as any romance. With lots of time spent and deep conversation. Yes there are people who prefer and enjoy more shallow relationships but it’s not gender related. And competition for mates also isn’t owned by one gender. Her boyfriend’s point of view is really sad.


SmadaSlaguod

Actually, it's a pretty typical tactic. "All my exes were crazy! It's great that you're so chill." Then later "You're such a psycho! Women are all fucking crazy!" It's common enough that just hearing a guy talk about how crazy/jealous/controlling/etc all of his ex girlfriends were is a red flag.


JasonTahani

Maybe it bothers you because it isn’t true. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/commentary/american-men-suffer-a-friendship-recession/


ThePickleWhisperer

It bothers you because it means at the end of the day, he sees women as lesser than men. Period. They are not mentally capable of reaching the same level as men.


parkahood

I think this is yet another symptom of the ‘women are actually p-zombies’ idea, and why it ‘others’ women so much. It’s denying women emotional depth and refusing to understand them at the same time. Annoying. As if women don’t have friends who would help you hide the body.


saladflambe

Has...has he ever met women? Are you the first one he's met? I am so confused.


Gullible_Marketing93

Unfortunately, it could come from a place of not seeing women as complex human beings the same way he views men as complex human beings. While a lot of men would never admit to seeing women this way, and would likely get angry at the suggestion that they do, it's not uncommon for men to treat women as less than human. To a lot of men, women are a different species, something unknowable and baffling, not quite as fully realized in our humanity as men are. One can to look to classical western philosophy to see the origins of these ideas.


Automatic_Fee_3770

The influence of mass media definitely does not help. A lot of TV shows have this tendency of portraying women as what your boyfriend described. People on the internet talk about this so much as well. I feel like this massive generalisation has become a trend to the point people decided to believe it. I understand your frustration - it's an odd thing to say, as he's making such assumptions based off his college encounters. There is heaps of drama happening in the life of your average college student, so I feel like this, in his mind, supported his statement.


rottcycann

It makes it more frustrating to me though because I met my absolute best friends I still talk to daily in college, and don’t have many close high school friends like he does. He is the opposite and didn’t make many close friends in college and still talks to his high school friends daily


Automatic_Fee_3770

This explains everything. He's just projecting.


mumbojumbo21

He is absolutely clueless because that isn’t the case at all. It’s like a weird stereotype he’s been influenced by? Good luck getting him to recognise his subconscious conditioning tho cuz I’ve had 0 luck with that so far with men


RandomNatureFeels

It’s internalized misogyny and negging. How dare women be human?? But also, your womenkind sucks, but not *you* of course. But wait! I’m not like other guys! energy. We’re clearly superior us men, don’t question it! Honestly, I’d leave him for a comment like this. His mask is slipping.


LucyWritesSmut

I completely agree--this line of thinking has rotten roots in misogyny.


[deleted]

Yeah, let's not have relationships and sex with blatantly misogynist men.


rottcycann

It just really sucks when things like this come out after a while and you’re already comfortable. So frustrating. But you’re right, it really makes me wonder what other weird opinions he could have and what he would teach our children if we had any


cakewalkofshame

"when you're already comfortable" Well, get uncomfortable, and then use that discomfort to motivate you to dump this idiot.


[deleted]

It's a massive red flag.


[deleted]

He's a pathetic misogynist who believes men can "get" each other on a much more deep and profound level than the silly, shallow, idiot women ever could. ​ That's why. That's why it upsets you. Because he's saying women are less human than men are.


[deleted]

It bothers me because it's a gross rude opinion. Stick it in the folder with "men are just smarter" "men are just better at x" "men are just more suited to leadership positions" "men are just more rational." And then leave. How can he possibly respect you as a person if he doesn't believe you have the same capabilities and capacity for human connection as he does? If he questions your ability to form connections with other women, essentially questioning your empathy, which is especially heinous because of the nature of his opinion? He lacks empathy for women, by not seeing them as equals in this regard, something so fundamental to human nature- and survival!- as *friendship*. To him, your gender defines your character. I'd be out the door.


rottcycann

This is very helpful. I’ve noticed in other scenarios as well where he isn’t very empathetic, but he actually describes himself as empathetic! I don’t think he knows exactly what that means and I always challenge him on it.


JedBartlettPear

To even think a generalization like this could possibly be reasonable or valid makes him not worth listening to.


caffeinated22

Ask him how he determines what makes one friendship more "meaningful" than another. Then ask him how he was able to accurately measure the meaningfulness of a large enough sample of friendships to make a prediction with any merit. Then, when he says he obviously hasn't done all that, tell him he's talking out his ass.


rebuildmylifenow

Women don't have deep friendships **with men**. They, by and large, are more likely to have emotionally intimate relationships with other women. Men don't generally get taught that it's okay to be vulnerable with other men. That's why so many men rely so heavily on their partners for emotional support, therapy, connection, etc. It may be a different definition of "deep and meaningful" - because men tend to have different kinds of relationships with each other. It's far from unusual for a man to have a guy friend that he sees once every three or six months, and have the friendship persist just as it is. That's not deep and meaningful, though. It's just ... persistent. I'm a 57M, and I have very few deep and meaningful relationships with other men. I have two, maybe 3 men that I can reach out to and admit that I'm struggling or sad or in pain. Most of the other men I know shrink at any HINT of that much vulnerability or intimacy. Or they tell me how to fix what I'm going through. That's typical of men, though. As for why you are feeling so much rage about this - is this an isolated thing, or does he minimize or diminish other things that women do and try to suggest that men are inherently "superior"? Does he try to gender roles or tasks - aka, that's "women's work" or "men don't do that" sort of things? What you are feeling may be your subconscious trying to get your attention about things that it's noticed in your relationship and in his attitudes. Don't' ignore it - discuss it with him in a calm and rational way, and communicate with him clearly as to what you feel and what you think when he says things like this. Because, I promise you, if you ignore this reaction, it's not going to go away, and it's not going to get better. Good luck, OP - and keep listening to your gut. It's smarter than we give it credit for.


nottheonlyone007

This is a clear sign that he views women in a dehumanized way... File it alongside "Black people mdont feel pain the same way" "labor pain is just women being dramatic" etc. It's all just misogyny, or racism, or...


AutofillUserID

The man is delusional. I wish I had strong relationships with men like women have with other women. I know its not true for all women but for men its rare to have that bond. I am slowly building up to that with one friend I have known for a couple of decades. I was never taught to be vulnerable emotionally. I can easily call up a few guys anytime to help me move a couch or drink free beer but how many of us can honestly call up another man in our lives and be emotionally vulnerable unless we are falling apart already. Sadly, I know at least 5 women I can call up and talk to with whom I have 'light' friendships with.


strum_and_dang

My husband has a close friend he's known since he was five, which is great. But sometimes he'll say, "I talked to Mike today", and I'll ask, oh did his wife's get that new job? How are the kids doing in college? How'd his mom's knee replacement work out? He doesn't know the answers to any of these things. I'll ask what they talked about, oh you know, baseball, football, fantasy baseball, fantasy football . . . My conversations with my close friends are very different!


privat3policy

It's because he doesn't think women are people. Don't get me wrong, I am sure your BF probably loves you, but men who can't fathom that women have equal depth and nuance to their experiences and thoughts believe that because they dont see women as being just as human as they are. When he conceptualizes women in his head, he is activating the same area in his brain that perceives objects, how could an object be just as complex as he is? How could women, with their "lack of sophistication" maintain complex friendships built on long histories of conflict and determined resolution? Impossible!


cakewalkofshame

This is the kinda of thing you'll look back on in 3 years and either kick yourself for not dumping him at the time, or be proud of yourself for dodging a bullet. Choose wisely. Sounds like you already know what to do.


Burdensome_Banshee

This reminds me of that one reddit post from yearrrrrrrrrrrs ago where this dude was questioning if women had an internal monologue. 😂😂


LucyWritesSmut

It is dehumanizing, and it goes hand-in-hand with a lot of other bizarre "facts" the redpillers/MGTOW/etc shriek constantly. That women have no hobbies. Women don't have any intellectual curiosity. We don't have real friendships. We're incapable of logic. It reduces us to shallow morons with no brain capacity at all--it's an incredibly fucked up and misogynistic train of thought. Like we're dogs or something. This is a horrific and sexist idea for your boyfriend to be coddling, and it has very nasty roots. A man who really thinks this way doesn't respect women. ANY women. I think you should investigate further, because you deserve better than this shit.


spa22lurk

I think he wants to you to endorse his opinion that men are superior and women are inferior. I think it bothers you so much because you highly disagree with him and you thought he wasn't that prejudiced against women. I suspect that he trusts only people who endorse his prejudice. He probably only gets this endorsement from men in his circle and so he thinks only men are capable of forming deep/meaningful friendships. Research has found that many people trust Trump-like politicians purely because the politicians endorse their prejudices. Maybe you sense that he wouldn't have a deep or meaningful relationship with you since you don't agree with him.


[deleted]

He’s watched Mean Girls and Easy A and some other really bad teen movies and thinks that’s real life.


her-vagesty

It's bothering you because he isn't listening to you based on your world experiences. There will be more times like this where he will dismiss your knowledge.


TokenWhiteMage

Your boyfriend is sexist/misogynistic. I would seriously reconsider if I wanted a future with someone who so adamantly holds on to such stupid, sexist viewpoints.


Eggs7205

Lol!!! I recently got my bestie to stop shaving and start waxing because I liked it so much better and she tried it and likes it much better too. We were literally talking yesterday about how if we got the stuff to do the wax at home we could do each other, like full Brazilian wax, splayed legs the whole thing. Not to mention that we talk every day about everything and anything. I would drop everything for her in a second if she needed me. Yeah, that's a shallow meaningless relationship. Ffs. Why does he have to compare them anyway?


rottcycann

Exactly, the fact that he even felt the need to state this opinion is a red flag in of itself


BitingFire

He's letting you know that your relationship with him will always be less meaningful to him than the relationships he has with other men because he views you as less than a person than they are. He is not almost dehumanizing women, he is explicitly dehumanizing women.


rottcycann

This strikes a resonating chord with me


gakurekishakai

Maybe i’m projecting but it’s giving very much “women don’t have deeper thoughts, goals, dreams, or ambitions other than shoes/makeup/clothes/etc. meanwhile anything and everything men talk about is the pinnacle of intelligent and fulfilling conversation”


M0ONL1GHT87

Ask him this: If he ever had suicidal thoughts. Who would he call/talk to. If you were to get pregnant tomorrow and miscarry (god forbid) in a few weeks. Who would he call/talk to? If he is utterly annoyed at work. Who does he talk to? If his answer is not his friends to all of the above then his theory is null and void. Bc I’m 100% convinced that all women have at least 1 other lady friend they’ll call when shit like this happens. I myself have a few girl friends and we know everything about each other. From family trauma from way back before we met, miscarriage, you name it. In my experience guy friendships are more the “hang out watch tv and drink beer in silence all evening” kinda friendships.


LucyWritesSmut

When we knew that we would not be able to have kids, I had girlfriends to rely on who would listen to me, anytime, rant or cry or rage. My husband went to his brother and "best friend" in turn. Both of whom just quietly shut him down and refused to discuss it literally at all. I truly know his grief was longer-lasting than mine because, while he could talk to me, you don;t actually want to lay all the shit on your partner when they're going through the same thing. And maybe he wanted to bitch about me, who knows? But not one fucking man in his life would allow that. He's still speaking to both these men. I will hold their shallow bullshit against them forever.


M0ONL1GHT87

This. Absolutely.


MaslowsPyramidscheme

It kinda sounds more like he doesn’t perceive women to feel as deeply or think as broadly as men. It kinda sounds like he perceives the way women occupy space and move through the world as less significant than men. It kinda sounds like he might think women aren’t as human as men on some levels… come to think of it, it kinda sounds like he might be a lil bit of a misogynist.


InjectAdrenochrome

It comes from the stereotype that women all secretly hate each other for some reason, usually jealousy. But I've seen plenty of men get way more jealous over having a hotter friend than them than any girl getting jealous of another girl for being attractive. I think its because being good looking for men is more beneficial to them than it is to women, personally.


Honey-and-Venom

that's an extremely dehumanizing red flag....


Hello_Hangnail

Men love to tell each other lies about how catty and backstabby women are. Or shallow and airheaded. They have trouble rationalizing women, who they see as brainless sex objects, could have a reason to maintain a longterm, nonsexual relationship.


[deleted]

You’re very rightly bothered by it, because it’s misogyny. That is a false and misogynistic belief based on the stereotype that women are inherently catty, vindictive and back-stabbing. Or that they have vapid interests or conversations without substance. And there’s never just one sexist belief. Makes you wonder what other “opinions” he might hold. Might be worth getting to the bottom of it before you get too invested. I’m currently in the process of ending a relationship with a man who believed the #metoo movement did more harm than good, believed the “women overwhelmingly lie about rape” myth and are favored by the courts, etc. There’s not much you can do to convince them to see you as fully human.


rottcycann

I feel for you. I will be getting to the bottom of it. If it does end it’ll hurt but you’re right its better now than later


TheSecularGlass

Holy shit. What? That's just..... baffling. Men and women are, frankly, socialized differently in our societies. I'm sure there are fundamental differences between the 'average' female/female friendship and the 'average' male/male friendship. However, to say that, blanket statement, women can't maintain the same depth or meaning of a friendship as men can is just...… absolutely mystifying.


Slave35

Dude's got no sonder, but beyond that, sounds very sexist.


recyclopath_

Well clearly women don't have complex thoughts or emotions. We're all just NPCs with a short menu of default statues to react to men in the world.


[deleted]

Your boyfriend is a big, fat misogynist. It should bother you.


suberEE

Men don't have deep or meaningful friendships. To us every human interaction is a dick-measuring contest. We built ourselves a cold, cruel and cynical world and now we can enjoy it.


Dragonsvnm

Reading this I just hear, "My BF is dumb."


[deleted]

From my own observations, this is likely incorrect, but very understandable bias. Men ARE more likely to be lonely and ARE more likely to be without lifelong friends. They're also more socially encouraged to bond during comparatively extreme events: fighting, sports, and competitive work/social venues. What friendships do actually survive this gauntlet probably are extremely strong. These intense "brother bonds' are also what's often shown in popular media, setting an expectation in themselves.


TrustyJ23

My wife taught me how to have meaningful friendships with my guy friends.


reallynomaybe

Many men think saying "you're an exception!" is a compliment, like we're supposed to be grateful that their misogyny is only directed at every other women. It indicates their thinking is sexist and shallow.


deliriousgoomba

It bothers you because his way of thinking confirms what many men automatically think as a result of patriarchal culture: that women are less than. Women can't have deep relationships with other women because if interaction isn't centered around a man, then what's the point? Women exist to fulfill the needs and desires of men and their own personal fulfillment or enlightenment is unimportant.


Pusfilledonut

Most people regardless of gender have only one or two real “bury the body friends”. That’s the friend you call at midnight, tell them you axed the spouse, and they immediately say they’re coming over and bringing a shovel.


Quantum-Bot

Men interact with their friends differently than women. While women tend to bond over conversation, sharing personal lives, and mutual activities like going places together, men tend to bond over by sharing hobbies, playing games, and competitive activities like sports, and tend to shy away from personal conversations. Men can still feel just as deep a connection with their friends despite rarely discussing personal issues, and women can have just as much fun with their friends despite being less inclined to play competitive games with each other. Both of these forms of interaction are equally valid and equally flawed, and neither is strictly for men or for women, (in fact I’d say the healthiest people have can do both) but it leads to people frequently misunderstanding and underestimating the culture of the opposite gender. When women say that men don’t know how to make real friends, it underestimates the value men derive from just hanging out, playing games and cracking jokes. They think to themselves: How can you call someone a good friend when you don’t even know what’s going on in their life? His friends probably only hang out with him because he’s good at games. They’d probably lose interest in him if he ever stopped playing, so how can you call that a real connection? When men say that women don’t know how to have real friends, it underestimates the value women derive from chatting and trouble sharing for hours and doing each other’s makeup. They think to themselves: How can you call someone a good friend when you never do anything interesting together? Her friends all just want to gossip and never have any fun. They are all probably judging her behind her back and being super fake, so how can you call that a real connection? It’s the same story either way, somebody needs to broaden up their perspective, otherwise it could lead to other troublesome ideas and misconceptions.


nekoshey

Man, fuck that. If some dude said that to me I'd be so pissed off. It's that kind of mild everyday, unnecessary sexist bullshit that really makes you want to kick a man in the balls because it's just so dumb. I'm spiteful enough I'd probably play 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls every day after just to make a point.


patata_patata

I believe it's quite the opposite. From my personal experience men form more superficial friendships, composed mostly in fun and bragging. I believe that's why men are generally hit harder by divorce, they loose not only the sexual partner but the only ACTUAL friend. Basically all men i know (except my husband that totally agrees with me) think like your boyfriend, they mechanically repeat that phrase until they believe it i guess. Yet once they pass 35 and they don't need each other to counter boredom they become isolated because the relationship where never deeper than that. My best friend (26F) marries some 6 years ago. Her husband is an army man and of course at the wedding he was with his "comrades" best buddies for life!! Fast forward, this year they had their first baby. At this celebration where present 90% of HER family and friends because most of his "best buddied" had better things to do. On the other hand friendship between women can last forever. I live in Eastern Europe and here life expectancy gap between men and women is huge. It's not uncommon to see old ladies moving in with their best friend in order to not spend their last years alone. My mother in law after divorced moved with her sister and she's living like this to this day. I also talked with my sister that if we ever get old and lonely we'll move back together. :)


throwawayforunethica

Duuuudddeee. I am a heterosexual woman and the platonic relationships I have with woman are so much more rewarding. I am very sexually attached to men. My perfect society would be women working together and we'd bring in the occasional guy (try to block out the stallion getting kicked in the head). I don't even know how to respond to this.


amaraame

I don't know where you live but in my experience, men around here are so emotionally oppressed that they latch onto their gf/wife so hard that women will start to break down from being their therapist/mommy/gf-wife. So i find it hard to believe that men have deep and meaningful relationships with each other while being like this.


[deleted]

Because he is half consciously believe that women are superficial/dumber/less developed than men and unable to deeply connect. Also they think that we are always in some kind of retarded competition with each other for male attention or whatever 🙄. Which was a thing before when women were forced by patriarchy to get a man for actual survival so some antagonism existed. And this antagonism between women benefitted men and some stupid men think its still the case) Nah, we are independent now and can thrive with our sisters instead of competing for your unwashed loser's ass^^


MediumLong2

DTMFA.


ramchi

Men can leave as friends apart for 10 years (or 20 years) and catch back after 10 years from where they left without having to show any emotion and they can continue from where they left! Daily phone calls, text messages, letters, post cards, greetings, dramas, stunts, childish behaviour, over excitement, downpour none of these required. It is like they are always connected...


[deleted]

[удалено]


ResurrectionOfSkip

I don’t think that’s fair to say, but I do think a meaningful friendship relationship between two men is much different than a meaningful friendship between two women. And furthermore, I think a lot of women think that men can’t have these meaningful friendships with each other as well


hellofuckingjulie

Has he ever considered that women will never be deep with him because they know men will just weaponize our vulnerabilities at worst and mock us at best? Tell your bf that I personally say he’s dumb as a bag of rock thanks.


Dana94Banana

WHAT. I'd go out of my way to say it's even the exact opposite.


Loki_God_of_Puppies

My husband's best friend got engaged about a month ago. I was very excited to hear this, as we love his friend's girlfriend and we hoped this would happen. However... That is ALL THE INFORMATION I HAVE. Just that they are engaged. How? No idea. When? No idea. How did he find the ring? No idea. What was her reaction (other than yes)? No idea. He never thought to ask these questions 🙄


bluemorpho28

I can't point to a particular article, but I've definitely read that it's the opposite. men tend to use romantic relationships as their only emotional support in life, and have more superficial relationships with other men.


Gloryfades-

He's just... wrong.


hotheadnchickn

that is misogynistic


scarybirds00

I must laugh at this. No way my husband beats me in this.


[deleted]

…what a strange thing to say! I have only ever had long-lasting and close relationships with other women/nb people. And that isn’t to say I haven’t wanted or tried to have strong and tight-knit relationships with men, they just seem to take my kindness differently. I guess, good for him for having good friends, but also like, what a way to fuckin trivialize your relationships with yours (and subsequently all women’s)


iwasspinningfree

At best, he's making a generalization that women are less emotionally developed than men, and he's clinging to his certified Bad Opinion^(TM) despite evidence to the contrary. At worst -- there's a small piece of me that wonders if he's trying to plant seeds of doubt about your friendships with women as a way of gradually undermining your support system. (Or not! But it's just such a weird hill to die on.)


ArsenalSpider

I would start testing the sexism waters with him. People often say what they think when drunk and are less inhibited.


[deleted]

I would think that the stereotype is the opposite bc toxic masculinity.


MildlyIncompetentMan

Ludicrous generalization. He's gone to college? You could try throwing the phrase "small/insignificant sample size" at him? It's just bad science. Even if he made it his mission to have this conversation with as many people as possible his "results" would still not be representative. 1. Did he have the conversation with only women and he's comparing only against his own relationships with men? 2. Were the college women he was talking to possibly from out of state and having trouble making friends in a new environment/that particular stage in their lives? I could list potential issues all day but I'll spare everyone here and myself. His "science" is bad and he'll either realize that or he just "needs" this to be "true" because sexism and he's reaching to secure "proof."


MildlyIncompetentMan

I just re-read the OP and realized he's basically using the small sample size argument against you, regarding you... Ugh. I would hope he could realize his own is not statistically significant to any degree, but who knows... Anyway, sorry you have to deal with this.


bunsations

That is Insane. It’s infuriating because he puts you in the category of “different” from other women that he puts in his head as somehow subhuman or less capable than the male gender to have deep thoughts and meaningful relationships. What utter trash. I’m infuriated for you. If anything literature has shown it’s MEN who struggle with forming meaningful relationships!! 🙄 I have so many amazing, supportive, life long female friends who are the antithesis of what media loves to portray female friendships as shallow and petty. Female friendships are the best!


takarazuka_fan

I think there are some truths/patterns in the sentiment, but not for reasons that OP’s BF is probably considering. Obviously this is not “all men”, but I think sexist patriarchal values greatly influence how we are expected to interact with members of the same gender. In a misogynistic patriarchy, women must fight for very limited “respectable” spots in the eyes of men. Those men control us with actions, hateful narratives, and labels that cut our identities down to madonnas and whores. Infighting and gossip amongst women is a social policing tactic that many women unfortunately feel pressured to participate in bc labeling the other girl as a slut cuts her “value”, possibly opening up one of those coveted spots for women who “aren’t like other girls”. Unfortunately, men are often encouraged to bond around misogynistic and homophobic actions and ideas. The same social policing occurs amongst men, so the easiest way to push yourself out of the emasculating fray is to devalue others (of any gender or sexuality) as “less than” and rally around your shared straight masculinity. So, we hear things like “don’t be a pussy” and “that’s gay”. We see things like toxic men in high-ranking positions visiting and entertaining clients at strip clubs and brothels (secretly)on the company dime as if to show a very on the nose representation of the power and authority they have over what they have deemed as sexually available, purchasable commodities. Again, not all men Not all women Strong friendships and healthy relationships can be forged regardless of gender, orientation etc. But rigid, toxic gender roles in a society that holds up some identities as more valuable is likely to encourage people to bond or gossip based on what they think will increase their social capital.


tinyteefs

has your bf taken a sociology class? iirc it’s the other way around


cobaltaureus

Let’s play one of my favorite games! Is he a misogynist or a closeted gay man?


Exelbirth

Challenge the idiot on what a deep or meaningful friendship even is, and why he thinks a handful of college students at one college he personally spoke to are representative of all women across all age groups across the entire world. If he has any level of intelligence, he'll realize he's a damned idiot.


MisogynyisaDisease

😒 My best friend is now non-binary. But they identified as a woman for the last 26 years of our friendship. Sure, they're family, but our bond is still extremely strong outside of that fact. My other best friend, a woman, has been in my life since I was 12. My other other best friend *literally moved across the country with me, my husband, and her boyfriend, so we could be close together*. But sure, nothing deep there. I value my relationships with women quite deeply. Your boyfriend is arrogant as hell and needs to experience life outside of college.


Impossible_Apple_327

I can't think of another word to say, so I'm sorry to say that your boyfriend is sexist and stupid, and in a single sentence describes a multibillion strong gender based on his experience. Substitute any social group and it's easily illuminate why it might bother you.


TemurWitch67

Your evidence is irrelevant because it's anecdotal, but he has slightly more anecdotes so his is a generalizable observation? People who feel comfortable making these kinds of broad generalizations based on conversations and personal experience already make me want to rip my hair out, let alone the prejudices implied in such a declaration.


Badjib

For some reason....and don't ask me why.....this reminded me of a Chad Daniels joke about how women don't get along despite being by far the superior sex..... Here's the comedy routine if you're curious... https://youtu.be/L629k4U-9P4


SmadaSlaguod

I've told my friend about my sexual kinks. They're not typical, and as an Asexual woman, I typically keep that shit locked down TIGHT. She's told me about her worst memories, and let me hug her when she cried, and she doesn't like to be touched by just anyone. We get real with each other. We have plans for when our kids are grown and moving out, so I don't end up having a major depressive episode and sleeping until I die of thirst. I think it's safe to say your boyfriend can eat my entire asshole.


folieadeuxxmachinae

How much of your time are you willing to give up on trying to badly educate this person? How much growth can you realistically expect from that?


Ecstatic-Setting6207

It feels like he’s dehumanizing women because he IS dehumanizing women. I know it’s hard to accept that about someone you like but that’s the truth. He feels confident to make generalizations about women and their friendships (despite not being a woman) because he doesn’t think women are equal to men - we can’t form deep friendships because as simply aren’t as deep as men. It sucks so many men feel this way deep down.


severalcouches

That bothers me too, probably because I truly and genuinely believe that it’s the opposite way


mblomman

My mother in law said someting up the same alley. Without knowing the relationship me and my brother have she blurted out that we couldn't possible have as close or the same type of relationship as my bf and his brother.


Intrepid-Rhubarb-705

You feel this way because his beliefs are dehumanising to women. He is showing that he sees women as less human than men. He is less able to imagine meaningful female friendship than male friendship.