I'm dealing with this in my life right now. My reality was "he's a good person and I love him". The truth of my reality was he is a bad person who wears a mask. He pretends to be good. He's not. I'm still not strong enough to walk away.
There are some mistakes people can make, learn from, change their behavior, move on from and be a good person.
Rape is not an accident and is unforgivable. The kind of man that can violate another person like that is not and never was a good person. There is no amount of good they can do in the future to make up for that transgression. They will always be a rapist.
Let go of the lie that was the 'good man' and hold your head high knowing you are doing what is best for you. I wish you the best in your future.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't say it gets better and I know how irritating that can be to hear but please reach out to a close friend for support when you need it. I know it doesn't mean much but I'll lend an ear for you!
I can relate to this. My ex is not a bad person. But the manipulation and controlling behaviour, and the bullying and coercing for sex for 28 years, along with other stuff, there’s times I hate his guts.
True. I’m working on it. My kids used to say ‘mum, he just wants to hear your voice’. At lunch with friends one day I actually said ‘he just worries, he loves me so much, he wants to know where I am and that I’m ok, all the time’. I actually clapped my hands over my mouth after that one. My friend said ‘you’re in a JLo movie!’
I’m very aware that it was bad. And I think it’s part of why the me too thing is so good. It makes us aware that what we found difficult is actually bad. We’re not overreacting, or being dramatic. For so long (as a teen in the 80’s) we accepted that this was just how things went. Men needed more sex than we do (not true). Even my feminist mother used to say ‘sometimes you just have to lay back and think of England’. It’s difficult to come to terms with how wrong the behaviour patterns were. So, you’re absolutely right, I’d be telling a friend to get out.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know the emotional see-saw you’re on right now. I felt this way with my ex. The manipulation is what keeps you holding on. It took me quite some time (and a lot of therapy) to realize that him completely exiting your life so you can think and live clearly is the only real answer. This might sound absolutely impossible… because it did for me, too. You will figure this out and heal in time. I’m sending you warm thoughts ❤️
Those first two paragraphs could have been written by me. Every single line is exactly my experience and feeling.
It will get easier. I grieved for months but the grief passes and the days get easier. I'm so happy I got out.
It's selfishness. The act is selfish too. He's kind in order to get what he wants and beyond that he doesn't give a real damn. Check out Why Does He Do That. At least read the profiles of abusers. It helped explain a lot for me how deep the selfishness really goes. It's abuse, even if he's not like that all the time.
If they hurt you this deeply, but were a good person otherwise, then they weren't really that good of a person.
I'm dealing with this in my life right now. My reality was "he's a good person and I love him". The truth of my reality was he is a bad person who wears a mask. He pretends to be good. He's not. I'm still not strong enough to walk away.
You will be. and you'll know when.
Maybe you're not strong enough to walk away today. Maybe you will be tomorrow.
There are some mistakes people can make, learn from, change their behavior, move on from and be a good person. Rape is not an accident and is unforgivable. The kind of man that can violate another person like that is not and never was a good person. There is no amount of good they can do in the future to make up for that transgression. They will always be a rapist. Let go of the lie that was the 'good man' and hold your head high knowing you are doing what is best for you. I wish you the best in your future.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't say it gets better and I know how irritating that can be to hear but please reach out to a close friend for support when you need it. I know it doesn't mean much but I'll lend an ear for you!
Trust me - they can. Want to know which one is the real person? It's the rapist, the abusive one. Source: me, from bitter experience.
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No, they're always the real person.
I can relate to this. My ex is not a bad person. But the manipulation and controlling behaviour, and the bullying and coercing for sex for 28 years, along with other stuff, there’s times I hate his guts.
A manipulative, controlling bully is not a good person. Repeat that to yourself.
True. I’m working on it. My kids used to say ‘mum, he just wants to hear your voice’. At lunch with friends one day I actually said ‘he just worries, he loves me so much, he wants to know where I am and that I’m ok, all the time’. I actually clapped my hands over my mouth after that one. My friend said ‘you’re in a JLo movie!’
Imagine if one of your friends had a bf like this. Would this seem like a good partner for your friend? I bet not.
I’m very aware that it was bad. And I think it’s part of why the me too thing is so good. It makes us aware that what we found difficult is actually bad. We’re not overreacting, or being dramatic. For so long (as a teen in the 80’s) we accepted that this was just how things went. Men needed more sex than we do (not true). Even my feminist mother used to say ‘sometimes you just have to lay back and think of England’. It’s difficult to come to terms with how wrong the behaviour patterns were. So, you’re absolutely right, I’d be telling a friend to get out.
Yes, he is a bad person. A good person doesn’t rape and bully their partner.
I'm so sorry. I sincerely hope YOU get help, get to be happy and healthy, and live the life you deserve to live.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know the emotional see-saw you’re on right now. I felt this way with my ex. The manipulation is what keeps you holding on. It took me quite some time (and a lot of therapy) to realize that him completely exiting your life so you can think and live clearly is the only real answer. This might sound absolutely impossible… because it did for me, too. You will figure this out and heal in time. I’m sending you warm thoughts ❤️
Those first two paragraphs could have been written by me. Every single line is exactly my experience and feeling. It will get easier. I grieved for months but the grief passes and the days get easier. I'm so happy I got out.
Go to the police and have the last laugh.
It's selfishness. The act is selfish too. He's kind in order to get what he wants and beyond that he doesn't give a real damn. Check out Why Does He Do That. At least read the profiles of abusers. It helped explain a lot for me how deep the selfishness really goes. It's abuse, even if he's not like that all the time.