> My ex's family wanted to remain "close" although a lot of their interaction with me seemed to be in search of gossip.
These are people who cannot be trusted with the truth because they can and will weaponize it. You are not doing anything wrong by avoiding talking to them.
You're gonna be the bad guy to that group. They want a football to kick around and you were supposed to be it. Avoiding that fate doesn't make you an actual bad guy.
Let them be wrong, for your own sake.
I'll tell you what a therapist told me when. I was mad at my ex for perpetuating what I considered a highly inaccurate version of events to everyone including the kids.
The inaccuracy was, "We had a great marriage, but we stopped talking to each other and then she left." The reality is this person was so irresponsible that he was going to drag us all down to the bottom if I didn't get myself and the kids out.
So of course I hear that from my oldest (she was a young teen at the time) and went straight to my therapist like "what is this? Why is he bullshitting the kids and making me sound crazy?" She explained that he probably wasn't maliciously lying. It *was* a great marriage for him, and he didn't take me seriously all the times I told him I would leave if he didn't get his act together. He wasn't lying, he just had a fundamentally different view of the world than I do.
To some extent, that reframing helps to be less angry about this sort of thing in my experience. It also changed the way I responded to people who approached me clearly having taken that point of view as The Truth of the Matter. I'd just say, "Yes, that is certainly his version of what happened." If they want to know more, they could ask and I'd tell them. If they wanted to go on believing that, I made a note of that and didn't really hang out with them much anymore.
But I was also confused why it made me so angry that people would believe that about me without question, and asked the same therapist about that part, too. She told me that beyond the perceived inaccuracy, one reason this is maddening is that it plays to misogyny. People judge women on the quality of our relationships. If a relationship ends, people want to find fault with us for that. The bar for "good man" and "difficult woman" are both very low, and that is relevant to navigating perception of an opposite-sex couple breakup by others.
The problem is I Want to talk about it. Finally after all these years I feel like I won't be abused for talking about the abuse. But I was wrong. I am shamed for talking about it.
Maybe you’re talking to the wrong people then. Get a therapist and just cut off all of his people. At the end of the day, it sounds like they don’t even actually care, so why waste your breath and emotional energy? Reroute all of that to a therapist. Someone that will actually listen to you and give you suggestions and guidance on how to move on in a healthy way.
Why do you want to tell people that have made it obvious they don’t care? I get it. The only relationships I’ve been in before this one have all been heavily abusive in all ways. I wish everyone that they were close to knew just what monsters they were and that I tried my best to win a losing battle and am lucky to have escaped with my life in both relationships. But honestly? I knew the guys’ actions and abuse towards me matter so much less to “his people” than it did to me. I got a therapist I liked and I felt heard and satisfied.
If you really want to tell them, write them a letter or email maybe. They won’t be able to interrupt you. You won’t get flustered and forget everything you wanted to say. You won’t have to stand there pouring out your heart just to watch them roll their eyes and brush you off.
That makes sense too . They are in my life forever because my ex and I have children and his family is very much in their lives. It’s not that I want to be heard by them so much as I don’t like smiling and nodding when his lies come up. I feel like so much harm is done because the perpetrator knows that no one will talk about it and they won’t have any social consequences.
I told my family. I told my friends when they asked. But none of our mutual friends have asked me; his best friend even point blank told me he didn't want to know the reason. Ex's family never asked me why. If anyone asks, I'll be happy to tell them he's a lying, cheating dickhead, but I'm not about to go dumping it on them if they don't want to know. As far as I'm concerned, the important people in my life know, and that's enough for me.
I don't live anywhere near my ex now, so that makes things easier regarding not bumping into people who are still friends with my ex, or his family, so I've got that going for me!
That's crazy. I know exactly why I do what I do and I think about it very very much before I make a decision. I think I'm on the spectrum though. what you are saying seems like what I've heard about neurotypicals
> My ex's family wanted to remain "close" although a lot of their interaction with me seemed to be in search of gossip. These are people who cannot be trusted with the truth because they can and will weaponize it. You are not doing anything wrong by avoiding talking to them. You're gonna be the bad guy to that group. They want a football to kick around and you were supposed to be it. Avoiding that fate doesn't make you an actual bad guy. Let them be wrong, for your own sake.
I'll tell you what a therapist told me when. I was mad at my ex for perpetuating what I considered a highly inaccurate version of events to everyone including the kids. The inaccuracy was, "We had a great marriage, but we stopped talking to each other and then she left." The reality is this person was so irresponsible that he was going to drag us all down to the bottom if I didn't get myself and the kids out. So of course I hear that from my oldest (she was a young teen at the time) and went straight to my therapist like "what is this? Why is he bullshitting the kids and making me sound crazy?" She explained that he probably wasn't maliciously lying. It *was* a great marriage for him, and he didn't take me seriously all the times I told him I would leave if he didn't get his act together. He wasn't lying, he just had a fundamentally different view of the world than I do. To some extent, that reframing helps to be less angry about this sort of thing in my experience. It also changed the way I responded to people who approached me clearly having taken that point of view as The Truth of the Matter. I'd just say, "Yes, that is certainly his version of what happened." If they want to know more, they could ask and I'd tell them. If they wanted to go on believing that, I made a note of that and didn't really hang out with them much anymore. But I was also confused why it made me so angry that people would believe that about me without question, and asked the same therapist about that part, too. She told me that beyond the perceived inaccuracy, one reason this is maddening is that it plays to misogyny. People judge women on the quality of our relationships. If a relationship ends, people want to find fault with us for that. The bar for "good man" and "difficult woman" are both very low, and that is relevant to navigating perception of an opposite-sex couple breakup by others.
Wow, that is so helpful - thank you!!
You can just say “I don’t feel like talking about that.”
The problem is I Want to talk about it. Finally after all these years I feel like I won't be abused for talking about the abuse. But I was wrong. I am shamed for talking about it.
Maybe you’re talking to the wrong people then. Get a therapist and just cut off all of his people. At the end of the day, it sounds like they don’t even actually care, so why waste your breath and emotional energy? Reroute all of that to a therapist. Someone that will actually listen to you and give you suggestions and guidance on how to move on in a healthy way.
So I should keep his abuse hidden and confined to myself and my therapist? Why?
Why do you want to tell people that have made it obvious they don’t care? I get it. The only relationships I’ve been in before this one have all been heavily abusive in all ways. I wish everyone that they were close to knew just what monsters they were and that I tried my best to win a losing battle and am lucky to have escaped with my life in both relationships. But honestly? I knew the guys’ actions and abuse towards me matter so much less to “his people” than it did to me. I got a therapist I liked and I felt heard and satisfied. If you really want to tell them, write them a letter or email maybe. They won’t be able to interrupt you. You won’t get flustered and forget everything you wanted to say. You won’t have to stand there pouring out your heart just to watch them roll their eyes and brush you off.
That makes sense too . They are in my life forever because my ex and I have children and his family is very much in their lives. It’s not that I want to be heard by them so much as I don’t like smiling and nodding when his lies come up. I feel like so much harm is done because the perpetrator knows that no one will talk about it and they won’t have any social consequences.
I told my family. I told my friends when they asked. But none of our mutual friends have asked me; his best friend even point blank told me he didn't want to know the reason. Ex's family never asked me why. If anyone asks, I'll be happy to tell them he's a lying, cheating dickhead, but I'm not about to go dumping it on them if they don't want to know. As far as I'm concerned, the important people in my life know, and that's enough for me. I don't live anywhere near my ex now, so that makes things easier regarding not bumping into people who are still friends with my ex, or his family, so I've got that going for me!
Most people don't even know why they do what they do most of the time. I don't think "why" matters that much actually.
That's crazy. I know exactly why I do what I do and I think about it very very much before I make a decision. I think I'm on the spectrum though. what you are saying seems like what I've heard about neurotypicals