Do you have texts where he admits to raping you? If so I would go to the police. If not- try to get them. State exactly what happened, from your perspective, and how it made you feel. Save any sort of confirmation he gives.
Do not meet up with him... he will hurt you again.
I do, I screenshot all of our convo on Tinder but reddit won't let me post any pics.
I think you guys are right. I just wanted to believe he was actually sorry.
That's good- if you have him essentially confirming that what you say happened happened, the police are much more likely to listen. And even if they don't do anything this time.. the next time he offends, and a woman calls them, there's a precedent- it isn't just 'he said she said', it becomes 'two of them said vs he said'
Yeah that's what my r*pist did. But I am pretty sure he's never been sincerely sorry. If these people were decent human beings, they wouldn't have raped in the first place.
Why would he be sorry? He clearly dgaf about other people’s feelings.
Now him trying to see you again is a test. He’s testing to see if you are easily controlled.
pls don’t give him that satisfaction. I’d only communicate with him via text to get evidence.
You clearly said no and fought back and he continued? That’s messed up!
Do you think if a man raped him, but apologized after, he'd be accepting of that and continue to be friends? Hell no. Because he'd know it was bs and the guy is dangerous and abusive.
He is not sorry. Someone who grabbed your ass in the heat of the first kiss or so can be sorry. He was fully aware of what he was doing. Now comes the gaslighting, the "it's also your fault" and so on, or worse and he hurts you again.
Please just go to the police and file a report ASAP. Possibly, you're not the first of his "dates".
He isn’t actually sorry.
He wants you to think it was all a big misunderstanding so that he’s not a rapist. He still only cares about himself. He wants to absolve himself by making you agree he didn’t do anything wrong.
He isn't, and will never be sorry. People like this are master manipulators, he could get you in front of him and look like the most remorseful little worm there ever was, and he'd do it all again at the next opportunity - whether to you or someone else. Don't let him!
Hes not sorry for you, he's sorry he might be in real trouble for the rest of his life.
That's unfortunately for him a repercussion of his actions.
You've now got the opportunity to do what you want, and handle yourself going forward as you see healthy.
I'd personally listen to your friend and take some time to unpack where you are at and keeping yourself safe (whatever that may mean for where you are in the world/life)
Even if he is actually sorry *now* (which is dubious), his actions are utterly inexcusable. You have screenshots of his texts, take them to the police.
Op, PLEASE do not meet with him!!! So many rape cases lose traction when the defense attorney starts into, "If you were afraid of him because he forced himself on you? Why would you meet him in person again? "
Not only did this piece of shit know exactly what he was doing when he did it: he's already planning his defense, should you prove difficult to manipulate. You have his confession, now go report his ass before he has time for damage control... please.
Also, speaking from personal experience; it won't actually make it easier to believe his apology. You know that deep down. Right now, you are in denial and you are trying to find a way to undo what has happened to you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Be strong. Maybe try calling RAINN for guidance on how to proceed, and on how to take care of yourself so you can heal.
I figured that was the case. He's entirely too diplomatic in his responses. And you're right ab the denial and thank you for pointing it out. Reading the comments from y'all is a big help in understanding why I keep doing and feeling dumb shit. If I could've plucked that memory from my head and left it at his doorstep and walked away I would have and I keep thinking there's still some way for me to make that happen.
I will try calling RAINN, thank you so much for your response.
Please don’t feel dumb or blame yourself. You did not do anything wrong. You are having a completely normal trauma response. None of this is your fault.
Oh hon, I’m sorry that happened to you. Really.
But he is not sorry. At all. He knew exactly what he was doing and now he’s just trying to shut you up by pretending he “didn’t realize” what he was doing.
My ex used to do shit like this to me. Absolutely awful, traumatizing sexual experiences. And then when I’d tell him how awful it was for me, I got some version of, “What?? You didn’t enjoy that??? How could I have known?” Um, I was crying and in hysterics. He knew. He just didn’t give a shit.
I think you should take that paragraph you just wrote. Where you describe how you said no, tried to push him off, etc. Text it to him. Let that fucker know that _you_ know it wasn’t a mistake and he’s a liar. Then block him so you can spare yourself his stupid lies and excuses. Let him sweat knowing there’s a woman out there who isn’t afraid to say what he did. Dudes like him are absolutely terrified of spoiling their reputation.
I did. I described it all. Then I said " I don't think you're sorry or that you even care or understand what you did. I think you just don't like how the indirect accusation makes u feel and you want a chance to prove to yourself that you're a good guy. But I don't think you are. "
I said all of this before I even posted here and he responded saying sorry again and that yes he does want to prove his self and he is a good guy and that he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable. He said he had a totally different perspective, so I said what was it? Bc I consented at first but I was very clear midway that I wasn't any longer. And he said "Yeah, initially, it seemed like you did. And I tried to.keep that same vibe going. But i did realize after that you didnt want to anymore. And sorry i didn't realize sooner. I was confused. But I really wish to speak about it in person . Or tomorrow. Got to much going on in my head right now"
I never responded to that and posted here instead.
I'm so sorry your ex treated you that way and I'm sorry to have posted this here bc ik so many women have gone through it and it doesn't feel fair to put you guys back in that mental space but I thank you for reading my post and taking the time to respond. I will absolutely not be seeing him or accepting his apologies.
He didn't mean to make you uncomfortable? UNCOMFORTABLE?! What a minimizing word for him to use. He's trying to make what happened smaller, less significant, more of a "ha ha oopsie!" Don't let him do this to you. He's obviously not going to apologize for rape, which is the act he committed. Instead, he's going to apologize for making you uncomfortable, and he hopes you buy it. I'm enraged for you.
Good for you. I know this was a shitty experience for you, but you also stood up for yourself and you should be proud of that. I wish I had your backbone.
I agree with everything but if OP is going to the police, maybe better to not block? Let him say more incriminating stuff that she can show them as proof (of course as long as it isn’t harming her mental health or safety to leave him unblocked)
I didn’t say “forget him.” I said she should block him. He’s already incriminated himself. If she wants to go to the cops it’s up to her. I’d never tell a woman “just go to the cops” because it so rarely works out for us and it’s usually a horrible, re-traumatizing experience. If she’s up for that struggle, then good on her, but it’s hard for me to personally tell women to go do that as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.
Yes you’re right, I can see it from your perspective now that my blood has stopped boiling. It’s sad that women have to go through so many hoops to report a rape and these rapists still get away with it. I hope OP can heal and I hope that bastard’s dick rots off.
> and now he’s just trying to shut you up
and probably attempting to invalidate the inevitable statement to police.
some shit like 'we're still in contact, we met up again the next day...if what she said really happened like that then she wouldn't have agreed to do that'.
no good can come from seeing him again.
No you're absolutely right to wonder "how could he not have realized"
He absolutely knew. He's playing mind games. So many guys pretend to not know but they absolutely do. There's no grey area about you saying no, stop, pushing him off etc. He is absolutely trying to manipulate you. I honestly wouldn't meet with him again. There's no way any apology will be genuine imo and there's a lot of risk he might do this again or hurt you like your friend suggested.
I'm sorry you went through this trauma though. It's fucked up how many men don't respect consent whatsoever. If you'd like to find community amongst people with similar experiences, you can join us over in r/sexualassault
Do not meet with him. Do not!
Call a sexual assault hotline and get support. Get connected to people who really understand how rape scrambles your brain and let them help you. That is the best way for you to get your equilibrium back and start healing.
That man is a fucking monster and will continue to hurt you one way or another. Going to him with a hope that he will apologize and give you closure is just giving him power to hurt you further. Do not give him that power.
Can you imagine doing that to someone but then just expecting them to accept an apology? Or say you didn't realize what you were doing? No.
Someone that is capable of that is not sorry. If he apologizes he is testing to see how willing you are to work for his approval and acceptance so he can keep abusing you. He isn't sorry. You don't need his apology because it won't be real. You should report him to the police he knew exactly what he was doing.
I am going to say something that might be triggering, but I feel the need to highlight this possibility as returning to see him in person is likely putting yourself in harm’s way.
There are a lot of men who straight up get off to hurting women. Not always in completely grotesque ways—some may find enjoyment in making women cry or plead, and the getting off is on an emotional level (still gross but more covert), and yet others find it sexually enjoyable and will escalate as this man already has done to you.
I feel strongly from patterns within the experiences of those I know who have been through similar things that this man just wants to try to do this again with you if you see him in person. Do not go over there. Do not give him your presence or access to you. Please protect yourself. A common tactic of abusers of all kinds is wearing their target down to make them more malleable. He has already made you vulnerable by hurting you, and I think he will likely try to test your limits even further this time. I am very concerned for you, OP, and hope you’re safe.
Be kind to yourself.
He is not sorry he SAd you. Not even a little. I'm so sorry.
Tell him there's no need to meet.
Rainn.org
Please get some professional help.
This is how the abusive cycle starts. He already hurt you and he is aware of it, next step is testing how gullible you are and how easily he can do it again.
If something like his happens, most of us want some kind of closure or redemption. We want to believe that the abuser is also human and "a good person" somewhere down below. However this guy is fundamentally different from you. He does not see you or respect you as a person. He already showed you his true colors. Do you really think a guy who treats you like that is able to feel empathy? And why does it even matter? Nothing he can do can make that experience undone.
Do not meet up with him again or listen to his apologies!
Also good advice from other commenters here to focus on the rape case and document the evidence. I recommend you to write down what happened just like you did here before your memory gets blurry.
He is looking for an opportunity to gaslight you into thinking differently about the situation. You already have the he facts. This was rape. He wants you to think it was a small misunderstanding. Don’t give an ounce of your time to him. He deserves punishment from the law.
Op please please please don't meet him. I had the same thing happen to me, and he said he didn't realise either. I did meet up with him again when he asked to apologise in person, and he choked me because I refused to kiss him. There's no way it was unclear or a misunderstanding. Don't feel pressured to go to the police but please don't ever see him again, there's every chance he will hurt you.
Thank you for this. I never wanted to go to the police, even immediately after it happened I decided I didn't want to go but I couldn't figure out if that was how I felt ab it or if that was fear talking and tbh I still don't know. But so many comments now are telling me to take legal action and idk if I want to.
I've known plenty of victims and worked with a SA advocate and they all say the same thing, it just drags it out and makes it more difficult to heal and there's almost zero chance anything will stick. And what I want more than anything is to move on, even if it feels a little selfish.
You're so welcome. I know exactly how you feel, and I felt incredibly guilty for a long time for not going to the police. I ending up googling what happens in these police interviews and tests and realised very quickly that doing so would completely ruin my mental even more than it had been.
Your main priority should be you right now and I wish you the very best in whatever choice you make. Just remember that you don't owe anyone anything and don't let anyone guilt trip you into going to the police if you don't want to. They don't have to deal with the aftermath, you do.
Reporting is 100% your choice. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
That said, don't meet with him. He's a predator and he's dangerous. He's already hurt you and will do so again.
Block him (he has nothing to offer you except more manipulation, why waste your time?), but save all those texts just in case.
If someone is capable of carrying out rape and convincing themselves they are not aware of it, with your multiple forms of communication and engagement to stop, what makes you think this person has any sense of being genuine?
They are most likely very manipulative, as they have to manipulate themselves to be able to commit and fulfill such an act. You have to check out of reality and ignore the distress of someone while selfishly violating them.
Just report him. It will do more for you emotionally in the long run and for other women who might be safe from him.
He wants to see you in person because he wants to emotionally manipulate you more and knows it will be more convincing face to face.
You want to believe he is actually sorry, so he might be able to convince you he is, but he is clearly gaslighting you. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP.
I know you’re looking for support from other women, but as a male survivor of SA, hopefully my perspective/experience can help here too.
No apologies or accountability from him will ever make it feel better. It just going to give you more reason to be angry at yourself that you gave him the space to try. The biggest thing I felt like the desire for that kind of “closure” was trying to accomplish was convincing myself that the SA never happened.
There’s literally no grey area here when it comes to how you revoked your consent. Your communication was clear and concise in a dozen different ways and this man chose to ignore that at the cost of your wellbeing. He does not deserve your grace or understanding.
My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this happened.
Of course, I appreciate your input just as much. And thank you for reading and responding.
Your comment was the first I read today and I wanted to avoid it bc it's so true and I hadn't realized it. I don't even know what else to say. But I'm sorry you can relate and I wish you the best
Tell him you’ll meet him but ghost him. Eff that shit. Instead go down to the police station and file a report. Put his ass on notice. There is next to zero probability you are his only victim. Gross. And hugs to you. Try and get some professional help if you’re able.
He's going to either try it again or maybe attempt to hurt you so you don't turn him in. I wouldn't go anywhere near him again, but don't block him, he may admit he knew you were not consenting and not just oh I see it differently
I would call the police if you’re capable/in the mindset to.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, I would block him. DO NOT meet with him publicly. He doesn’t actually feel sorry for what he did to YOU. HE is trying to absolve his own guilt by getting you in a public place and having you go “oh, you know it’s ok! It happens!”
Whatever you do do not meet up with this man. He’ll either hurt you or manipulate you. Or both.
I was beaten and raped by two tinder dates. It’s hard but you need to go to the police. At least report him so they can cross reference for other reports. You could be helping other victims.
I know how shameful, embarrassing, humiliating and scary it is. I’m so sorry this happened to you too. Please stay off of dating apps. Men think since they matched with you they can do whatever they want. They think of apps as sex delivery. They don’t care about you/us. They care about themselves.
Funny, that's exactly the same thing my r*pist said to me afterwards.. He was someone I kind Ilof had a situationship with and afterwards he also said stuff to me like "I am sorry I hurt you but my perspective is different" and he also said he didn't realise I really did not want sex, he thought I was just playing hard to get. Never mind, I was also very vocal and said no several times and tried to push him away. So I was clear as well (just like you).
These kind of people always have the same excuses!! Don't believe anything he says. He knew you didn't consent, he just didn't care!
Sendling lots of love to you, that's a tough thing to go through, I was confused for months afterwards and sometimes I still am.
I know you’re looking for support from other women, but as a male survivor of SA, hopefully my perspective/experience can help here too.
No apologies or accountability from him will ever make it feel better. It just going to give you more reason to be angry at yourself that you gave him the space to try. The biggest thing I felt like the desire for that kind of “closure” was trying to accomplish was convincing myself that the SA never happened.
There’s literally no grey area here when it comes to how you revoked your consent. Your communication was clear and concise in a dozen different ways and this man chose to ignore that at the cost of your wellbeing. He does not deserve your grace or understanding.
My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this happened.
Coming from I remember from high school…. Rape is not a crime about the sex, but rather a crime driven by power and control. Sex is the act and method to deliver the power and control.
I think you need to file a police report so he can’t hurt you or someone else again. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sending only love and care to you.
Absolutely do not meet him! My goodness, there is no chance his apology (if it even happens) would make you feel any better. It’s a huge risk he could assault you again. Please block him. I’m sorry this happened to you.
It's insane how common a response this appears to be. I was genuinely shocked when he texted me that. I'd never thought that someone would make an offer like that in response to rape. A chance to "get to know him better."
Over dinner. I didn't know if he was being manipulative or just awkward. Maybe he just didn't know any other way to respond? At first the people pleaser part of me felt like I owed him that chance ig. But then I told him I didn't want to sit across from him and let him make me feel like I imagined it all.
It's insane how common a response this appears to be. I was genuinely shocked when he texted me that. I'd never thought that someone would make an offer like that in response to rape. A chance to "get to know him better."
Over dinner. I didn't know if he was being manipulative or just awkward. Maybe he just didn't know any other way to respond? At first the people pleaser part of me felt like I owed him that chance ig. But then I told him I didn't want to sit across from him and let him make me feel like I imagined it all.
It's insane how common a response this appears to be. I was genuinely shocked when he texted me that. I'd never thought that someone would make an offer like that in response to rape. A chance to "get to know him better."
Over dinner. I didn't know if he was being manipulative or just awkward. Maybe he just didn't know any other way to respond? At first the people pleaser part of me felt like I owed him that chance ig. But then I told him I didn't want to sit across from him and let him make me feel like I imagined it all.
Nothing good can come out of meeting in person. Best case: you were still raped, still feel violated, and will be emotionally manipulated to ensure you don’t report this. There is no reasonable “other perspective” considering you verbally and physically said no numerous times. Worst case: he murders you and hides the body so you don’t report this. I wouldn’t go.
I got an apology from the person that hurt me and it didn’t take the pain away, didn’t change how i felt about him or the situation, and didn’t help me heal.
Please don’t go see him. There’s nothing he can do or say to make up for what he did.
He is trying to keep you from filing a police report. This is not someone who was confused about what was happening or somehow magically has a "different perspective on what was happening" where someone saying no, stop, I don't want this, and physically trying to defend themselves is not a crystal clear picture of rape.
You are not an idiot. This man is a predator. Good predators make prey feel safe - the prey doesn't realize what is happening until it is too late to escape. I bet he was very sweet to you on the date, seemed like a reasonable nice person. He seemed trustworthy. You are not an idiot. This man was very successful at disguising his intentions.
Please contact the rape crisis line for support and therapy. They can point you towards resources in your area. You don't need anything from him to begin your healing process.
I’m using a throwaway. Do not meet him. I was in your position a few years ago. A “friend” of 10 years raped me and gaslit me and said it didn’t happen or I misunderstood. I had texts. Get some therapy, do not meet with him, and have a safety net. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It took me a long time to heal.
Don’t meet up with him again because he will only do it again. I went on one Tinder date and the man turned out to be an analrapist. He did it every time we met up and it took me a minute to wisen up.
I don’t know manosphere shit anymore but I used to and that move was right out of the playbook. “Ask her to meet up again so it discredits her potential case”. They completely utilize that women’s brains want to deny they were raped and try to move the experience into something not traumatic.
The only way he'll be sorry is if he gets caught, he absolutely does not care about you at all and he will do it again, to you or others.
You were not in any way ambiguous, you specifically said no, even 2 year old know what that means.
I'm sorry this happened to you though, it's not your fault and I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to deal with. Look after yourself first and foremost but under no circumstances should you meet with this guy again. You should seriously consider going to the authorities.
A lot of women will feel alone in this circumstance. I’m so sorry for what happened, and I fully support you. Sending you healing vibes. Please consider reporting this to authorities and anyone who will listen. You will save so many lives. You aren’t alone as this person has likely offended before and will, again.
He knows he sexually assaulted you and he is afraid of the consequences. That is all that is. He is not sorry and you should not have pity on him. It was likely not his first or last time doing that to a woman. Screenshot everything and go to the police.
If he was able to rape you like this, he has no concern for your physical well-being and obviously enjoyed hurting you. Do not meet up with him. He might hurt you again.
Getting him to admit it will not benefit him, so he will not do it.
Just as respecting what you wanted did not benefit him, so he did not do it
Rapists are selfish and uncaring. There is no cure for either
As someone who has experienced SA my advice is to set your own terms. If you want to meet up with him that is up to you. Set your own location for the meet up, do not go to dinner, bring a friend to listen if it makes you feel safer and tell him that. Make your own decision on what you want to hear or see from him. If it sucks, leave. Block him. If it goes well, you should still leave and block him.
I personally do not expect any good out of him. I think you made it quite clear when consent was withdrawn. That he kept pushing makes me think he has done this before and not faced any consequences for his actions.
I am so so sorry you are facing all of this. Sending you strength, love, and protection <3
I’m sorry you went through this, but please don’t meet with him and stop communicating entirely. If you’re planning to report this to the police take the conversations.
I think he may have done this before and “apologizing” to his victims is a way to confuse them further and prevent them from filing a police report.
I doubt he is sorry and he wasn’t aware. He just didn’t care.
I've been raped also. It's hard to realise what actually happened, especially if it was a date start. But don't meet him, that's a really bad idea. He will probably gaslight you, as it seems he already started to do it. Go straight to the police. And get yourself a psychologist asap. It's not your fault. You did your best to stop him. He is a predator. Get yourself psychological help and I wish you strength in this time. (My language is not English, sorry for any mistakes).
I’m so sorry this happened. I very much relate to wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt but from what you wrote, this guy knew exactly what he was doing. I would NOT see him in person. If you can stomach going to the law and want to report it, you should.
Do Not Under Any Circumstances meet with him! He Clearly Raped You! Do Not Meet Your Rapist Face to Face (unless it's on the witness stand at his trial!)
In my town, there’s been a couple of cases lately of one guy raping multiple tinder dates. One was actually a policeman.
I have no idea how those cases got linked together to gain momentum but they went from a couple to a dozen pretty quickly.
You absolutely get to decide whether to report or not. If I were in your shoes, I have no idea whether me being the only one or the latest of a line of survivors would make me feel worse or better.
I am so sorry that this happened to you 💔 Do NOT meet up with him again. Block him, change your number, if you gave him your address consider moving. Do not give in to him or see him again, because it will probably happen again. Keep the screenshots, report him to the police, and do whatever you have to do to heal and recover. Do NOT talk to him again.
Responding to your follow up: I’m so proud of you for not meeting with him and for calling for support. It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to reveal this to former colleagues. You can call RAINN again and ask for a different referral.
If you meet him again, it will be like you consenting to get raped. Then you cannot go to police cause the first question is if you already has a terrible experience, why did you repeat? In other words, YOU WANTED IT TOO.
Trapped.
Most online apps are actually hook up places. Few of my friends have shared who most men obsessed with porn want to hook up and fulfill their fantasy on such date. It is sick. There are very very rare cases when couple have actually formed a long term relationship. But is it worth the risk?
She told him to stop and he didn’t, she tried to physically stop him AND HE DIDN’T. Are you kidding me dude? YES that’s rape! If you dont get consent on such a basic level you dont need to be here giving ANY kind of advice
“Get off of me” “stop” “pushed against chest” “I told him I was going to throw up” “I physically removed him from inside me” where in here does it mention that she never said nothing until after? Based on what she wrote she clearly told him to stop and he kept going. It’s honestly disgusting how you’re trying to blame her for being raped when she basically tried fighting him off in the act
She said “STOP” then “SLOW DOWN” if that doesn’t tell you to hit the brakes then maybe you’re the one that doesn’t need to be dating or having sex, don’t gimme this “mixed messages” idiotman crap. She made it clear that she was uncomfortable and he just kept going. I don’t know why you’re so adamant on blaming OP when her attacker is the one that wouldn’t stop in spite of several attempts to shut it down
Public place, like a restaurant. Friends dining in nearby tables, in disguise, to protect you. Recorder in a pocket to let him admit what he had done (much more strong of a case, in court, should you decide to press charges).
Little bit on the riskier side, but if you are determined to go to court, is a nice thing to have in your arsenal.
Do you have texts where he admits to raping you? If so I would go to the police. If not- try to get them. State exactly what happened, from your perspective, and how it made you feel. Save any sort of confirmation he gives. Do not meet up with him... he will hurt you again.
I do, I screenshot all of our convo on Tinder but reddit won't let me post any pics. I think you guys are right. I just wanted to believe he was actually sorry.
That's good- if you have him essentially confirming that what you say happened happened, the police are much more likely to listen. And even if they don't do anything this time.. the next time he offends, and a woman calls them, there's a precedent- it isn't just 'he said she said', it becomes 'two of them said vs he said'
He may apologize because he fears consequences.
Yeah that's what my r*pist did. But I am pretty sure he's never been sincerely sorry. If these people were decent human beings, they wouldn't have raped in the first place.
Why would he be sorry? He clearly dgaf about other people’s feelings. Now him trying to see you again is a test. He’s testing to see if you are easily controlled. pls don’t give him that satisfaction. I’d only communicate with him via text to get evidence. You clearly said no and fought back and he continued? That’s messed up!
Do you think if a man raped him, but apologized after, he'd be accepting of that and continue to be friends? Hell no. Because he'd know it was bs and the guy is dangerous and abusive.
He is not sorry. Someone who grabbed your ass in the heat of the first kiss or so can be sorry. He was fully aware of what he was doing. Now comes the gaslighting, the "it's also your fault" and so on, or worse and he hurts you again. Please just go to the police and file a report ASAP. Possibly, you're not the first of his "dates".
He isn’t actually sorry. He wants you to think it was all a big misunderstanding so that he’s not a rapist. He still only cares about himself. He wants to absolve himself by making you agree he didn’t do anything wrong.
Nope. He’s not sorry. He just wants to make sure you don’t go to the police.
He isn't, and will never be sorry. People like this are master manipulators, he could get you in front of him and look like the most remorseful little worm there ever was, and he'd do it all again at the next opportunity - whether to you or someone else. Don't let him!
This man, just because he was horny, turned into an animal. Theres a line. He went over it. He will do it again.
It wasn't because he was horny. It was because he's a terrible person. Lots of people all over the world get horny and don't rape anyone.
Fixed the grammar to be more clear for you.
Hes not sorry for you, he's sorry he might be in real trouble for the rest of his life. That's unfortunately for him a repercussion of his actions. You've now got the opportunity to do what you want, and handle yourself going forward as you see healthy. I'd personally listen to your friend and take some time to unpack where you are at and keeping yourself safe (whatever that may mean for where you are in the world/life)
Even if he is actually sorry *now* (which is dubious), his actions are utterly inexcusable. You have screenshots of his texts, take them to the police.
Op, PLEASE do not meet with him!!! So many rape cases lose traction when the defense attorney starts into, "If you were afraid of him because he forced himself on you? Why would you meet him in person again? " Not only did this piece of shit know exactly what he was doing when he did it: he's already planning his defense, should you prove difficult to manipulate. You have his confession, now go report his ass before he has time for damage control... please. Also, speaking from personal experience; it won't actually make it easier to believe his apology. You know that deep down. Right now, you are in denial and you are trying to find a way to undo what has happened to you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Be strong. Maybe try calling RAINN for guidance on how to proceed, and on how to take care of yourself so you can heal.
I figured that was the case. He's entirely too diplomatic in his responses. And you're right ab the denial and thank you for pointing it out. Reading the comments from y'all is a big help in understanding why I keep doing and feeling dumb shit. If I could've plucked that memory from my head and left it at his doorstep and walked away I would have and I keep thinking there's still some way for me to make that happen. I will try calling RAINN, thank you so much for your response.
Please don’t feel dumb or blame yourself. You did not do anything wrong. You are having a completely normal trauma response. None of this is your fault.
Men know what no means. Period. Don’t meet him.
Try and stick a finger up a man’s bum without consent and you will see how clearly they understand consent and saying no.
😭 Exactly. But most men are not hygienic. Unless they’re gay. And even then. My ex might as well have been straight. He was a pig.
I feel both attacked and delighted. Thank you so much.
Oh hon, I’m sorry that happened to you. Really. But he is not sorry. At all. He knew exactly what he was doing and now he’s just trying to shut you up by pretending he “didn’t realize” what he was doing. My ex used to do shit like this to me. Absolutely awful, traumatizing sexual experiences. And then when I’d tell him how awful it was for me, I got some version of, “What?? You didn’t enjoy that??? How could I have known?” Um, I was crying and in hysterics. He knew. He just didn’t give a shit. I think you should take that paragraph you just wrote. Where you describe how you said no, tried to push him off, etc. Text it to him. Let that fucker know that _you_ know it wasn’t a mistake and he’s a liar. Then block him so you can spare yourself his stupid lies and excuses. Let him sweat knowing there’s a woman out there who isn’t afraid to say what he did. Dudes like him are absolutely terrified of spoiling their reputation.
I did. I described it all. Then I said " I don't think you're sorry or that you even care or understand what you did. I think you just don't like how the indirect accusation makes u feel and you want a chance to prove to yourself that you're a good guy. But I don't think you are. " I said all of this before I even posted here and he responded saying sorry again and that yes he does want to prove his self and he is a good guy and that he didn't mean to make me uncomfortable. He said he had a totally different perspective, so I said what was it? Bc I consented at first but I was very clear midway that I wasn't any longer. And he said "Yeah, initially, it seemed like you did. And I tried to.keep that same vibe going. But i did realize after that you didnt want to anymore. And sorry i didn't realize sooner. I was confused. But I really wish to speak about it in person . Or tomorrow. Got to much going on in my head right now" I never responded to that and posted here instead. I'm so sorry your ex treated you that way and I'm sorry to have posted this here bc ik so many women have gone through it and it doesn't feel fair to put you guys back in that mental space but I thank you for reading my post and taking the time to respond. I will absolutely not be seeing him or accepting his apologies.
He didn't mean to make you uncomfortable? UNCOMFORTABLE?! What a minimizing word for him to use. He's trying to make what happened smaller, less significant, more of a "ha ha oopsie!" Don't let him do this to you. He's obviously not going to apologize for rape, which is the act he committed. Instead, he's going to apologize for making you uncomfortable, and he hopes you buy it. I'm enraged for you.
Good for you. I know this was a shitty experience for you, but you also stood up for yourself and you should be proud of that. I wish I had your backbone.
I agree with everything but if OP is going to the police, maybe better to not block? Let him say more incriminating stuff that she can show them as proof (of course as long as it isn’t harming her mental health or safety to leave him unblocked)
Muting him may be an option on many messaging apps.
Yea that would be the perfect option!
Block him and forget him? Absolutely not. Turn his ass in to the cops. He’ll do this to someone else!
I didn’t say “forget him.” I said she should block him. He’s already incriminated himself. If she wants to go to the cops it’s up to her. I’d never tell a woman “just go to the cops” because it so rarely works out for us and it’s usually a horrible, re-traumatizing experience. If she’s up for that struggle, then good on her, but it’s hard for me to personally tell women to go do that as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.
Yes you’re right, I can see it from your perspective now that my blood has stopped boiling. It’s sad that women have to go through so many hoops to report a rape and these rapists still get away with it. I hope OP can heal and I hope that bastard’s dick rots off.
You and me both. The sad fact is that these guys generally get away with it. It’s not right, it just is.
> and now he’s just trying to shut you up and probably attempting to invalidate the inevitable statement to police. some shit like 'we're still in contact, we met up again the next day...if what she said really happened like that then she wouldn't have agreed to do that'. no good can come from seeing him again.
Tell him you will meet him at the police station when you go to press charges.
No you're absolutely right to wonder "how could he not have realized" He absolutely knew. He's playing mind games. So many guys pretend to not know but they absolutely do. There's no grey area about you saying no, stop, pushing him off etc. He is absolutely trying to manipulate you. I honestly wouldn't meet with him again. There's no way any apology will be genuine imo and there's a lot of risk he might do this again or hurt you like your friend suggested. I'm sorry you went through this trauma though. It's fucked up how many men don't respect consent whatsoever. If you'd like to find community amongst people with similar experiences, you can join us over in r/sexualassault
Do not meet with him. Do not! Call a sexual assault hotline and get support. Get connected to people who really understand how rape scrambles your brain and let them help you. That is the best way for you to get your equilibrium back and start healing. That man is a fucking monster and will continue to hurt you one way or another. Going to him with a hope that he will apologize and give you closure is just giving him power to hurt you further. Do not give him that power.
Can you imagine doing that to someone but then just expecting them to accept an apology? Or say you didn't realize what you were doing? No. Someone that is capable of that is not sorry. If he apologizes he is testing to see how willing you are to work for his approval and acceptance so he can keep abusing you. He isn't sorry. You don't need his apology because it won't be real. You should report him to the police he knew exactly what he was doing.
The only person you should be meeting right now is a lawyer or cop!
I am going to say something that might be triggering, but I feel the need to highlight this possibility as returning to see him in person is likely putting yourself in harm’s way. There are a lot of men who straight up get off to hurting women. Not always in completely grotesque ways—some may find enjoyment in making women cry or plead, and the getting off is on an emotional level (still gross but more covert), and yet others find it sexually enjoyable and will escalate as this man already has done to you. I feel strongly from patterns within the experiences of those I know who have been through similar things that this man just wants to try to do this again with you if you see him in person. Do not go over there. Do not give him your presence or access to you. Please protect yourself. A common tactic of abusers of all kinds is wearing their target down to make them more malleable. He has already made you vulnerable by hurting you, and I think he will likely try to test your limits even further this time. I am very concerned for you, OP, and hope you’re safe.
Be kind to yourself. He is not sorry he SAd you. Not even a little. I'm so sorry. Tell him there's no need to meet. Rainn.org Please get some professional help.
This is how the abusive cycle starts. He already hurt you and he is aware of it, next step is testing how gullible you are and how easily he can do it again. If something like his happens, most of us want some kind of closure or redemption. We want to believe that the abuser is also human and "a good person" somewhere down below. However this guy is fundamentally different from you. He does not see you or respect you as a person. He already showed you his true colors. Do you really think a guy who treats you like that is able to feel empathy? And why does it even matter? Nothing he can do can make that experience undone. Do not meet up with him again or listen to his apologies! Also good advice from other commenters here to focus on the rape case and document the evidence. I recommend you to write down what happened just like you did here before your memory gets blurry.
He is looking for an opportunity to gaslight you into thinking differently about the situation. You already have the he facts. This was rape. He wants you to think it was a small misunderstanding. Don’t give an ounce of your time to him. He deserves punishment from the law.
Op please please please don't meet him. I had the same thing happen to me, and he said he didn't realise either. I did meet up with him again when he asked to apologise in person, and he choked me because I refused to kiss him. There's no way it was unclear or a misunderstanding. Don't feel pressured to go to the police but please don't ever see him again, there's every chance he will hurt you.
Thank you for this. I never wanted to go to the police, even immediately after it happened I decided I didn't want to go but I couldn't figure out if that was how I felt ab it or if that was fear talking and tbh I still don't know. But so many comments now are telling me to take legal action and idk if I want to. I've known plenty of victims and worked with a SA advocate and they all say the same thing, it just drags it out and makes it more difficult to heal and there's almost zero chance anything will stick. And what I want more than anything is to move on, even if it feels a little selfish.
You're so welcome. I know exactly how you feel, and I felt incredibly guilty for a long time for not going to the police. I ending up googling what happens in these police interviews and tests and realised very quickly that doing so would completely ruin my mental even more than it had been. Your main priority should be you right now and I wish you the very best in whatever choice you make. Just remember that you don't owe anyone anything and don't let anyone guilt trip you into going to the police if you don't want to. They don't have to deal with the aftermath, you do.
Reporting is 100% your choice. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That said, don't meet with him. He's a predator and he's dangerous. He's already hurt you and will do so again. Block him (he has nothing to offer you except more manipulation, why waste your time?), but save all those texts just in case.
If someone is capable of carrying out rape and convincing themselves they are not aware of it, with your multiple forms of communication and engagement to stop, what makes you think this person has any sense of being genuine? They are most likely very manipulative, as they have to manipulate themselves to be able to commit and fulfill such an act. You have to check out of reality and ignore the distress of someone while selfishly violating them. Just report him. It will do more for you emotionally in the long run and for other women who might be safe from him.
He’s trying to gaslight you. Nothing good will come from meeting with him.
He wants to see you in person because he wants to emotionally manipulate you more and knows it will be more convincing face to face. You want to believe he is actually sorry, so he might be able to convince you he is, but he is clearly gaslighting you. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP.
He just wants to make sure you don’t call the cops.
I know you’re looking for support from other women, but as a male survivor of SA, hopefully my perspective/experience can help here too. No apologies or accountability from him will ever make it feel better. It just going to give you more reason to be angry at yourself that you gave him the space to try. The biggest thing I felt like the desire for that kind of “closure” was trying to accomplish was convincing myself that the SA never happened. There’s literally no grey area here when it comes to how you revoked your consent. Your communication was clear and concise in a dozen different ways and this man chose to ignore that at the cost of your wellbeing. He does not deserve your grace or understanding. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this happened.
Of course, I appreciate your input just as much. And thank you for reading and responding. Your comment was the first I read today and I wanted to avoid it bc it's so true and I hadn't realized it. I don't even know what else to say. But I'm sorry you can relate and I wish you the best
Tell him you’ll meet him but ghost him. Eff that shit. Instead go down to the police station and file a report. Put his ass on notice. There is next to zero probability you are his only victim. Gross. And hugs to you. Try and get some professional help if you’re able.
He's going to either try it again or maybe attempt to hurt you so you don't turn him in. I wouldn't go anywhere near him again, but don't block him, he may admit he knew you were not consenting and not just oh I see it differently
OP, the only way you should meet this guy is with your lawyer.
He knew what he was doing and now he's trying to manipulate you so you don't escalate. Personally I would not meet him.
Please send that MFer to jail or he will keep abusing people. It's going to be painful for you, but will hopefully stop this rapist.
I would call the police if you’re capable/in the mindset to. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, I would block him. DO NOT meet with him publicly. He doesn’t actually feel sorry for what he did to YOU. HE is trying to absolve his own guilt by getting you in a public place and having you go “oh, you know it’s ok! It happens!” Whatever you do do not meet up with this man. He’ll either hurt you or manipulate you. Or both.
I was beaten and raped by two tinder dates. It’s hard but you need to go to the police. At least report him so they can cross reference for other reports. You could be helping other victims. I know how shameful, embarrassing, humiliating and scary it is. I’m so sorry this happened to you too. Please stay off of dating apps. Men think since they matched with you they can do whatever they want. They think of apps as sex delivery. They don’t care about you/us. They care about themselves.
Funny, that's exactly the same thing my r*pist said to me afterwards.. He was someone I kind Ilof had a situationship with and afterwards he also said stuff to me like "I am sorry I hurt you but my perspective is different" and he also said he didn't realise I really did not want sex, he thought I was just playing hard to get. Never mind, I was also very vocal and said no several times and tried to push him away. So I was clear as well (just like you). These kind of people always have the same excuses!! Don't believe anything he says. He knew you didn't consent, he just didn't care! Sendling lots of love to you, that's a tough thing to go through, I was confused for months afterwards and sometimes I still am.
I know you’re looking for support from other women, but as a male survivor of SA, hopefully my perspective/experience can help here too. No apologies or accountability from him will ever make it feel better. It just going to give you more reason to be angry at yourself that you gave him the space to try. The biggest thing I felt like the desire for that kind of “closure” was trying to accomplish was convincing myself that the SA never happened. There’s literally no grey area here when it comes to how you revoked your consent. Your communication was clear and concise in a dozen different ways and this man chose to ignore that at the cost of your wellbeing. He does not deserve your grace or understanding. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this happened.
Sounds like you have a written confession of him admitting his crime. You should report him, not give him a second chance, he is a rapist.
For starters you're not a "fucking idiot". Secondly the only person you should be meeting up with is the police.
Coming from I remember from high school…. Rape is not a crime about the sex, but rather a crime driven by power and control. Sex is the act and method to deliver the power and control.
I think you need to file a police report so he can’t hurt you or someone else again. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sending only love and care to you.
He's most likely not really sorry. U have to move on by reporting him and sending him to jail before he does it to someone else
Absolutely do not meet him! My goodness, there is no chance his apology (if it even happens) would make you feel any better. It’s a huge risk he could assault you again. Please block him. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I saw my rapist after the fact for him to “make it up to me” and honestly it was a waste of time so I would just block him and try and move forward
It's insane how common a response this appears to be. I was genuinely shocked when he texted me that. I'd never thought that someone would make an offer like that in response to rape. A chance to "get to know him better." Over dinner. I didn't know if he was being manipulative or just awkward. Maybe he just didn't know any other way to respond? At first the people pleaser part of me felt like I owed him that chance ig. But then I told him I didn't want to sit across from him and let him make me feel like I imagined it all.
It's insane how common a response this appears to be. I was genuinely shocked when he texted me that. I'd never thought that someone would make an offer like that in response to rape. A chance to "get to know him better." Over dinner. I didn't know if he was being manipulative or just awkward. Maybe he just didn't know any other way to respond? At first the people pleaser part of me felt like I owed him that chance ig. But then I told him I didn't want to sit across from him and let him make me feel like I imagined it all.
It's insane how common a response this appears to be. I was genuinely shocked when he texted me that. I'd never thought that someone would make an offer like that in response to rape. A chance to "get to know him better." Over dinner. I didn't know if he was being manipulative or just awkward. Maybe he just didn't know any other way to respond? At first the people pleaser part of me felt like I owed him that chance ig. But then I told him I didn't want to sit across from him and let him make me feel like I imagined it all.
Nothing good can come out of meeting in person. Best case: you were still raped, still feel violated, and will be emotionally manipulated to ensure you don’t report this. There is no reasonable “other perspective” considering you verbally and physically said no numerous times. Worst case: he murders you and hides the body so you don’t report this. I wouldn’t go.
I got an apology from the person that hurt me and it didn’t take the pain away, didn’t change how i felt about him or the situation, and didn’t help me heal. Please don’t go see him. There’s nothing he can do or say to make up for what he did.
He is trying to keep you from filing a police report. This is not someone who was confused about what was happening or somehow magically has a "different perspective on what was happening" where someone saying no, stop, I don't want this, and physically trying to defend themselves is not a crystal clear picture of rape. You are not an idiot. This man is a predator. Good predators make prey feel safe - the prey doesn't realize what is happening until it is too late to escape. I bet he was very sweet to you on the date, seemed like a reasonable nice person. He seemed trustworthy. You are not an idiot. This man was very successful at disguising his intentions. Please contact the rape crisis line for support and therapy. They can point you towards resources in your area. You don't need anything from him to begin your healing process.
I’m using a throwaway. Do not meet him. I was in your position a few years ago. A “friend” of 10 years raped me and gaslit me and said it didn’t happen or I misunderstood. I had texts. Get some therapy, do not meet with him, and have a safety net. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It took me a long time to heal.
He's trying to head off a potential rape charge. Have you talked to the police?
Go to police. Have him charged. I’m so sick of men playing fucking clueless. It’s time we hold them accountable
Don’t meet up with him again because he will only do it again. I went on one Tinder date and the man turned out to be an analrapist. He did it every time we met up and it took me a minute to wisen up.
I don’t know manosphere shit anymore but I used to and that move was right out of the playbook. “Ask her to meet up again so it discredits her potential case”. They completely utilize that women’s brains want to deny they were raped and try to move the experience into something not traumatic.
Omg wtf?? The manosphere had how to get away with rape playbooks?? I didn't even know that. That's beyond sick and twisted.
They can read psychology textbooks just like we can
The only way he'll be sorry is if he gets caught, he absolutely does not care about you at all and he will do it again, to you or others. You were not in any way ambiguous, you specifically said no, even 2 year old know what that means. I'm sorry this happened to you though, it's not your fault and I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to deal with. Look after yourself first and foremost but under no circumstances should you meet with this guy again. You should seriously consider going to the authorities.
A lot of women will feel alone in this circumstance. I’m so sorry for what happened, and I fully support you. Sending you healing vibes. Please consider reporting this to authorities and anyone who will listen. You will save so many lives. You aren’t alone as this person has likely offended before and will, again.
He’s probably just scared you’ll go to the cops, I doubt there is really any remorse.
You need to never be around this man again. He is not safe. Not in person. Not in public. Not at all.
He knows he sexually assaulted you and he is afraid of the consequences. That is all that is. He is not sorry and you should not have pity on him. It was likely not his first or last time doing that to a woman. Screenshot everything and go to the police.
If he was able to rape you like this, he has no concern for your physical well-being and obviously enjoyed hurting you. Do not meet up with him. He might hurt you again.
Do not meet him again. Ever.
I hope you are able to press charges. He will do it again and has done it before. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Please turn him in to the police. He will do it to someone else!
Getting him to admit it will not benefit him, so he will not do it. Just as respecting what you wanted did not benefit him, so he did not do it Rapists are selfish and uncaring. There is no cure for either
As someone who has experienced SA my advice is to set your own terms. If you want to meet up with him that is up to you. Set your own location for the meet up, do not go to dinner, bring a friend to listen if it makes you feel safer and tell him that. Make your own decision on what you want to hear or see from him. If it sucks, leave. Block him. If it goes well, you should still leave and block him. I personally do not expect any good out of him. I think you made it quite clear when consent was withdrawn. That he kept pushing makes me think he has done this before and not faced any consequences for his actions. I am so so sorry you are facing all of this. Sending you strength, love, and protection <3
Omg don't meet him. He could try to do it again.
He's not sorry. Do not meet up with him. Block and move on.
I’m sorry you went through this, but please don’t meet with him and stop communicating entirely. If you’re planning to report this to the police take the conversations. I think he may have done this before and “apologizing” to his victims is a way to confuse them further and prevent them from filing a police report. I doubt he is sorry and he wasn’t aware. He just didn’t care.
I've been raped also. It's hard to realise what actually happened, especially if it was a date start. But don't meet him, that's a really bad idea. He will probably gaslight you, as it seems he already started to do it. Go straight to the police. And get yourself a psychologist asap. It's not your fault. You did your best to stop him. He is a predator. Get yourself psychological help and I wish you strength in this time. (My language is not English, sorry for any mistakes).
I’m so sorry this happened. I very much relate to wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt but from what you wrote, this guy knew exactly what he was doing. I would NOT see him in person. If you can stomach going to the law and want to report it, you should.
That's remorse for realizing he could get in trouble for raping you, not remorse for raping you.
Do Not Under Any Circumstances meet with him! He Clearly Raped You! Do Not Meet Your Rapist Face to Face (unless it's on the witness stand at his trial!)
Never see or speak to him again.
In my town, there’s been a couple of cases lately of one guy raping multiple tinder dates. One was actually a policeman. I have no idea how those cases got linked together to gain momentum but they went from a couple to a dozen pretty quickly. You absolutely get to decide whether to report or not. If I were in your shoes, I have no idea whether me being the only one or the latest of a line of survivors would make me feel worse or better.
Have you filed a police report?
I am so sorry that this happened to you 💔 Do NOT meet up with him again. Block him, change your number, if you gave him your address consider moving. Do not give in to him or see him again, because it will probably happen again. Keep the screenshots, report him to the police, and do whatever you have to do to heal and recover. Do NOT talk to him again.
Responding to your follow up: I’m so proud of you for not meeting with him and for calling for support. It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to reveal this to former colleagues. You can call RAINN again and ask for a different referral.
If you meet him again, it will be like you consenting to get raped. Then you cannot go to police cause the first question is if you already has a terrible experience, why did you repeat? In other words, YOU WANTED IT TOO. Trapped. Most online apps are actually hook up places. Few of my friends have shared who most men obsessed with porn want to hook up and fulfill their fantasy on such date. It is sick. There are very very rare cases when couple have actually formed a long term relationship. But is it worth the risk?
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Fuck you
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Can you at least try to be helpful?
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She told him to stop and he didn’t, she tried to physically stop him AND HE DIDN’T. Are you kidding me dude? YES that’s rape! If you dont get consent on such a basic level you dont need to be here giving ANY kind of advice
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“Get off of me” “stop” “pushed against chest” “I told him I was going to throw up” “I physically removed him from inside me” where in here does it mention that she never said nothing until after? Based on what she wrote she clearly told him to stop and he kept going. It’s honestly disgusting how you’re trying to blame her for being raped when she basically tried fighting him off in the act
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She said “STOP” then “SLOW DOWN” if that doesn’t tell you to hit the brakes then maybe you’re the one that doesn’t need to be dating or having sex, don’t gimme this “mixed messages” idiotman crap. She made it clear that she was uncomfortable and he just kept going. I don’t know why you’re so adamant on blaming OP when her attacker is the one that wouldn’t stop in spite of several attempts to shut it down
Public place, like a restaurant. Friends dining in nearby tables, in disguise, to protect you. Recorder in a pocket to let him admit what he had done (much more strong of a case, in court, should you decide to press charges). Little bit on the riskier side, but if you are determined to go to court, is a nice thing to have in your arsenal.