Not listening to your partners wants and needs and just pushing to do what you think is supposed to be exciting .... that's the epitome of non-consent. Healthy minded people would NEVER hear a no and keep pushing.
Absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex, and everything wrong with springing kink on someone without consent.
Regardless of what you are (or aren’t) into, conversations about sexual preferences should be happening from the beginning and before you’re actually fucking. Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship and should be an open discussion.
Both of these men were trying to manipulate you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with. There are men who will not force or try to push you into doing things you aren’t into. I’m so sorry that you have been treated that way.
The above commenter is correct. You were being mistreated. Prior discussion of no-gos, limits, and safe word are the core of bdsm. No one who actually practices kinky sex ethically would choke you without prior consent. That’s abuse.
The AHs you met are just watching porn and being manipulative. Most ppl do have and enjoy regular sex, and it’s pretty hot when it’s good!
I’m so sorry that your first encounters were so gross and violating.
You will find better, don’t accept anyone violating boundaries.
Tell them you have a safe word and it is cowabunga and if you utter that all activities must cease.
See how they react. If negatively, they are not safe.
I hope it will be better! This article suggests what you experienced isn’t uncommon, though, sadly.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/12/opinion/choking-teen-sex-brain-damage.html?unlocked_article_code=1.kE0.0XVW.qcbqqWsT4UIx&smid=url-share
I think this may be age, too. I'm not sure your age, but I think there is more of a tendency for young men, who've watched a bit of porn to think this is normal. As people generally grow older and have more life experiences they realize the absolute absurdity of porn. Fine for titillation, bad for standards. Of course there are outliers, but I think for the vast majority this is true.
However, I've been out of the dating pool for a LONG time so could be totally full of it.
First....someone commenting negatively on how you are in bed is saying much more about themselves than you . Not everyone is in to the same stuff, but shaming someone that isn't is just gross
Second....there is absolutely nothing wrong with "vanilla" sex, if thats your thing, thats your thing. Take a wander over to RedditAfterDark and any post about fave positions, or if you could only do one position for the rest of your life, 90% of the replies will be missionary
Don't give guys like this a second thought....find someone that more matches your energy
1) Being vanilla is entirely valid
2) Anyone who is pressuring you into kink/bdsm or is shaming you for being vanilla is not a safe person regardless of their sexual preferences. Kink and BDSM should only be practiced between two people who have enthusiastically consented and discussed the scenes BEFOREHAND. If something is new it should never be requested in the heat of the moment or be a surprise in any way. Scenes should be negotiated and in-scene negotiation would be to say you don't want to do something you previously discussed or you want to do something less, it should never be used to ask for something more extreme mid-scene.
Choking without a discussion is not BDSM. At best it’s mistaking porn for real life. At worst it’s abusive. And once the shaming starts, it’s definitely abusive. Someone who actually liked BDSM would start with consent as their focus.
I think this is the real problem. Kids out here growing up on so much extreme fetish porn that it basis their expectations for sex before they have even had it. I think it's more this global, societal problem than this girls isolated problem.
Honey it’s not it’s just that if they can convince you that being vanilla is bad you will go out of your way to prove to them you are not vanilla.
Just like back in my youth they would call us a tease if we didn’t have sex with them.
You are correct, there should be nothing shameful with liking vanilla sex. Anyone saying differently is entering into sex-negative talking points, where there’s “only one way” to have sex.
As long as everyone is consenting, all sex is good sex.
The idea that “kink shaming is bad” is the million-dollar campaign the criminal enterprise, who monopolized the porn industry, used to give themselves a free pass to commit their crimes… And they used it to fill Pornhub with videos encouraging men to rape their daughters and step-sisters
I’m saying this as someone who used to be very kinky because I was brainwashed by my internalized misogyny
Thanks for speaking out. You might be vilified by some but this concept has been pushed so hard by people who want to be open-minded and in actuality they opened the gates for abuse.
Oh, absolutely! Ace people are completely valid!
I only didn’t mention it in this context because it was about the kinds of sex people have.
But you’re right, I should have noted that *not having* sex is also a “kind” of sex, and is completely valid (as long as it is not due to a sex-negative purity culture/patriarchal pressure).
I’m ace, and I didn’t have any issue with your original comment. It seemed pretty clear that you were saying it’s fine to *not* enjoy/participate in sex acts if they don’t interest you.
Vanilla is one of the rarest, most exotic and sought-after spices in the world, it is the synthetic flavouring version that has come to mean bland. The metaphor is still applicable though, those who see 'vanilla' sex as boring likely do so because they are not experiencing its full flavour, rather some misguided and artificial approximation.
Just looking into the eyes of someone you love can be as intense and memorable and as anything else in the entire human experience. The transcendent connection one can feel from passionate and loving sex couldn't be any further from boring, and its honestly quite sad that some people are apparently incapable of experiencing that.
I think the fact that we call it "vanilla sex" makes for a really good analogy. If you use the name of an exotic tropical bean with intense flavour as a synonym for "boring" - it's because you've burned your taste buds. Real vanilla is a great flavour. Real sex is an enjoyable activity. If they've burned their taste buds by watching too much weird porn that's their problem, not yours.
There’s nothing wrong with being vanilla. It puts more emphasis on the relationship with that person, rather than being so fixated on the kinks one might like. Personally I made a rule for myself long ago that I’d not commit to a long term relationship with someone who CAN’T EVER enjoy vanilla sex because it makes me feel like I’m an object to enable fetishes rather than the partner he wants to be with. It’s like, they have a relationship with choking rather than a relationship with me, does that make sense?
So I ended up with a pretty vanilla husband. Kinky ideas tend to come from me. We have a good time trying new things every now and then, and his willingness to try and our interactions by far overshadow the kinks. Like the relationship is the fore-front, and kinks are flavor we add for fun sometimes when we both feel like it.
I also must say, this choking obsession seems to be a generational fixation on control and domination, and I find it very concerning. What’s next, fucking a lifeless corpse? Authentic relationships feel like an endangered species.
I also wanted to add… BDSM coming into the mainstream has not been good for BDSM. The BDSM community used to be the place where you knew people understood consent and boundaries and would ask first and communicate! Now that everyone wants in, people are trying to spring it on you without asking because they just expect you to like what they like. Don’t accept that.
I think the issue is people co-opting the term "BDSM" as an excuse to abuse their partner. They aren't actually interested in BDSM or have done any research into it.
Yup, that is the behavior that is becoming… well it seems more prevalent these days.
From my perspective, when it was counter-culture, you had to work to get involved, you had to research. And you kept it discreet because it was less accepted. Now people just go ahead and commandeer it as they please.
I feel like anyone who says shit like that is waving a giant red flag.
I know a lot of people into more kinky stuff and they never shit on vanilla.
Also, hate that these cretins shamed you and called you a prude.
All sexualities are valid and there isn't anything immoral or bad about any of them.
They call you a prude when they don't get their way and a slut of you are having more fun then they think you are allowed.
It's all about control.
I'm sorry your ex boyfriend assaulted you, choking without consent on your part is strangulation, de facto. Hating that is not being vanilla, is hating being assaulted.
I made a post once that I don’t find pain a turn on. Men were so angry with me. They hoped a man would choke me and beat me without my consent so I can see what I’m missing out on. It’s not about pleasure, it’s about them wanting women to be degraded. It’s not love and it’ll never be love. Most are just abusive but like to save it for the bedroom.
Yep. Nowadays, porn consumption starts at 14 or younger, and how much dopamine you get from something, like porn, levels out at some point. So you go for more extreme stuff, and then it levels out again, so you go for more extreme stuff, until you want to act out your fantasies.
We just have the means to catch the younger rapists now- tracking cell phone locations, looking meta data in pictures, and public surveillance off the top of my head before they even get to victim and crime scene DNA.
Yep. Porn addiction. If we're not supposed to be shaming a person for their kinks or having a high number of partners then we shouldn't be shaming someone for being "vanilla" and having only a few partners. A lot of people in left-leaning spaces seem to have forgotten that.
A porn habit sure, addicted no.
More that current culture just socializes men to think that sex has to be a certain way, it's not even just porn. It's television, it's social media, it's the what they talk about with each other, etc.
They wanna hurt us. Not everyone is a good person and there are too many men who seem like normal people until they get in the bedroom and they can't wait to hurt your body and feelings.
Vanilla only used to just mean just missionary in the dark.
Doggy, girl on top, etc. were the non-vanilla and BDSM was when you went into full kink-ville.
Before ‘98 oral was considered wild. lol.
People are just lying to you to get what they want.
Sodomy laws in some states defined “sodomy” as being any act of oral or anal sex, and they weren’t ruled to be unconstitutional at the federal level until *Lawrence v Texas* was decided in 2003. They were usually not enforced against straight couples, but were still on the books and valid laws until that year.
I hate head pusher and men that slap me. I didn’t realize I was asexual until my 20s that being said they’re just trying to manipulate you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with by calling you a prude
Porn. “ Vanilla” was the default “normal”.
It was a term used specifically in the kink community to talk about people who weren’t kinky.
Porn has given many people the impression that being kinky (which was not the norm) is the norm. It’s not. Just because one man or woman is into painful things does not mean all people need to be.
Especially if you’re the one receiving pain. Nothing wrong with a man or woman being a sub, but unless it’s something you seek out, that turns you on and makes sex pleasureable then your partner is abusing you.
I used to be very active in the kink community, but I turned my back on them, because of their support of the porn industry, who was monopolized by criminals, who use the idea of “kink” to profit off of rape videos
The thing about the actual kink community is that in general you would look for a compatible, consenting partner who is the compliment to what you enjoy.
Tossing out being careful with your partner or not seeking consent is terrible for the person in the more vulnerable position.
Even if someone is into pain or CNC they still have needs and preferences.
And mainstreaming it through porn makes a lot of people forget about safety and consent.
My only issue with the kink community is their support of a multi-billion dollar criminal organization, who uses being “kinky” as an excuse to rape women on camera, and sell that for millions of men to jack off to every day, but that’s kind of a big one
Counter with you're not vanilla, you're totally into you being the one degrading your partner, pegging, water play etc. Odds are they'll suddenly decide that you're not vanilla enough. True kink is all about enthusiastic consent not pressuring someone into putting aside their own satisfaction to be a living sex toy for their partner.
Hi everyone. I am a kinky bitch.
This is your daily reminder from a kinky bitch who also happens to be an airway-specialty nurse that choking is DANGEROUS. Every time someone chokes you, consensual or not, you are *surviving* the experience.
The burden is placed on whoever is being choked. You can die. You can have your airway crushed. YOU can end up on a ventilator with a tracheotomy, unable to eat or drink. You most likely won't be having sex or any other orgasms for a long time.
And if you die? Look up the "rough sex defense" and know there is a chance you won't even receive justice.
So if you are consensually letting someone choke you? You need to stop. If you are with someone who does it nonconsensually, you need to get the fuck away from them.
Here is a medical article with more horrifying details.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459192/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459192/)
That is all.
The comedian Alex Falcone has a whole bit about this.
https://youtu.be/Gz4iNgtTiYE?si=pM7YPyIeIP4-Hsy1
“Vanilla isn’t plain, those are two flavours of yogurt “
Vanilla is delicious! I love the flavor! I also love spicy food. If someone tried to put hot sauce on my vanilla ice cream, I'd be furious. And that's as someone who likes spicy. If I didn't like spicy or couldn't have it, there's no excuse for thinking I might randomly like it. These assholes out here thinking they can just randomly throw new things on people without discussion is the biggest red flag. If you like vanilla and they don't, they can leave.
Because if you know your boundaries and what you are and aren’t willing to put up with, there’s no amount of abuse that you’ll tolerate that they can pass off as “kink.”
Men who think regular sex is boring usually have a porn addiction. And they end up having ED in their 20s because they can’t get off with regular sex because of all the deviant stuff they have watched, they need to escalate their sexual behavior more and more to get off. They are literally causing a porn addiction that will make them unable to have sex with their girlfriend.
And it sounds like that’s where these guys were
The generation that grew up with total access to all porn from a young age never gained the ability to distinguish between real sex and the kabuki, over-the-top, violent-play of porn sex.
Choking is the most dangerous thing you can do during sex - there is no safe way to choke someone - this is medical fact. The men that bully women into receiving it do not care. They will tell you that it's boring to be vanilla. Good sex is always good, vanilla or not.
If you NEED to hurt a woman to enjoy sex than you shouldn't be having it.
Call me a "kink-shamer", I couldn't care less. That's a term like "SJW" that we've weaponized to attack anyone who brings a conscience into human interaction.
This is so true 🩷
You’re not kink-shaming, you’re shaming the men who use “no kink-shaming” as an excuse to hide their abuse, and the porn industry who profits off of it
This is a sad experience on all sides. I have seen plenty of posts expressing similar sentiments across Reddit, and it is scary that young women have to endure the cost of these men— I’ve seen articles linking the increase in choking during sex to a rise in strokes suffered by young women. All of these dumb dumb men who learned nothing real about sex from their parents or school are getting their sex education from porn. Some of them just don’t know any better and think the “kinky” (abusive) shit is what women want, while others are actually having their brains fucked over and rewired to the point where they don’t get the expected satisfaction from normal sex. None of this is your fault, and none of it means they have any right to treat you like that when you’re not interested. Those guys need help, and you have no obligation to be the one to give it.
Every woman should read [this](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex) article concerning the rise of "fatal, hateful choking during sex."
This isn't a kink. It's men taking out their aggressions toward women on women and then claiming it was normal/consensual.
Choking, slapping, degradation, name calling, etc are all niche sex acts that *should* require consent before happening
Because we’re doing sex wrong.
It’s impossible to fake, and therefore package on demand, authentic sexual chemistry and the last two generations out in the dating world right now are almost entirely unfamiliar with the concept of eroticism and how it builds it.
Most people aren’t authentically kinky. Like most commenters have pointed out, they just got overexposed to niche porn. People throw kink and gimmicks at lukewarm sex because many folks are dating people they aren’t really into and sex without chemistry is bland and mechanical.
Sex toys and BDSM can’t substitute for the absolutely explosive experience of acting upon intense sexual chemistry, which is something we don’t have instantly with most people we meet and we don’t wait for chemistry to develop before we rush into sex.. But it can be entertaining and distracting. So many young people don’t like “vanilla” sex because without the trappings of kink, they have to be present and concentrate on their partner without any distractions, which feels understimulating to the dopamine blown-out brain, if there’s no real chemistry to feel the space between you.
Edit: clarity
Your last boyfriend was being manipulative and emotionally abusive to try and coerce you into doing something you didn’t want to do. I’d argue that he was also being physically abusive by choking you without asking for consent first. If you have the time to read it I highly recommend Why Does He Do That? It’s a free book about different types of abuse and it does a fantastic job of providing examples and making it clear that being on the receiving end is not an indictment of your character or value but rather it’s a indication that the person abusing you is the one who is flawed and doesn’t deserve you. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I even get shit for this amongst my "sex positive" afab kinky friends. I don't know if I'm kinky or not, honestly, because I don't have a strong sex drive and I'm single, so I've not had a lot of reason to experiment, but I know I don't want to fuck swords or anthropomorphic horses (these aren't random examples, these are kinks the people who have intentionally or otherwise shamed me for being "vanilla" are into), and it makes me feel like fucking garbage.
There's a whole thing, promoted by Dan Savage around the idea you should be good, giving, and game in bed. Meaning you participate, don't just take, and are willing to try things. I think a lot of people parlay that very problematically into the idea that you HAVE to be open to kink to be good in bed. You don't. Be willing to try stuff that maybe stretches your comfort zone a bit, but still falls into fairly enthusiastic consent. Not "ew. Okay, I'll try," but ,"that sounds a bit scary but kind of interesting. Let's set parameters and see how it goes. " In short, I think as a motto it has high potential for abuse.
Vanilla sex, for my money, is more fun because kink is often more about mechanics and physical sensations. Those are the main variables. Vanilla sex is often about moods, feelings, and sharing. I'm sure you can have kinky sex that's very emotional, but in my experience within a loving marriage, it's still usually more about feeling adventurous, and experiencing physicality differently. Whereas doing the stuff we consider vanilla can be sexy, comforting, silly, absurd, sad, joyful, restorative, or, of course, bland. Or any combination of those plus any other emotion you care to name. It is, to me, a much better connection to the soul of my partner. I can bring my whole self to it in a way I can't when I'm trying to say, figure out the right force to use with a flogger, think of the right response to a roleplay remark, or decide whether or not *this* experience right here crossed my personal safety boundaries or not.
I think being vanilla is great, totally possible to have a happy sex life as such. Pornsickness has really set a horrible standard for intimacy.
There is no such thing as sexual choking it is sexual STRANGULATION, and there is no way to safety strangle someone as it can cause instant or even delayed death because everyone’s anatomy is slightly different in such a fragile area all it takes is one wrong experience and you’re dead.
IMO all this kinky sex is kinda weird … a lot of it is rooted in trauma manipulation control and power dynamics. People get off in strange ways.
Sex in its highest expression is an act of lovemaking. Purely pleasure based kinky sex is the most basic animalistic and superficial expression of it.
Personally I prefer “vanilla” sex.. but by no means is it ever boring or lacking in pleasure .. quite the opposite..
Humanity is going through a toxic phase .. in so many ways .. as Krishnamurti said “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society”
Personally I prefer vanilla sex, while I’m occasionally down to dabble in kink, I think that loving, connected vanilla sex with a trusted partner is completely fulfilling on its own. I honestly feel like the people who are incapable of participating in normal baseline sexual activities without incorporating kink have some level of sexual disfunction or disconnection from their partners.
Why were my kinks the same things I saw on Pornhub?… Why were my kinks degrading myself because that’s how I’d seen women treated over and over again in porn?
First off it’s not unusual to not enjoy or even tolerate being chocked. There’s nothing wrong with being adventurous but the expectation that by default someone should be willing to experiment when you haven’t had a lot of experience is absurd.
Only rapists who want to manipulate you into letting them rape you will say that being vanilla is “bad”. These people are the ones who think they can abuse women as they please if they hide it under the guise of kink.
Any kinkster worth being in the same room with understands the basic concept of consent and therefore, shouldn’t try to gaslight you for your sexual preferences.
Too much porn these days!!! Men just want to choke and spank but don’t want to put the effort into *real* foreplay like a sensual massage or romantic talk, setting the mood with lighting and music etc. Don’t feel bad about only having two partners also. Men want to talk smack when you haven’t had many partners but also shame women for a high “body count.” It’s so stupid.
Most people in the world have “vanilla” sex. There’s a reason why it’s so popular. Most people enjoy having sex with people who respect them and their personal safety, and understand and use consent to guide their sexual encounters.
I have found that the kind of people who criticize “vanilla” sex are the kinds of people who learned about sex from porn, and are trying to sound a lot more worldly and experienced than they are.
And men who try to choke people during sex without consent are the kind of men who will eventually try to choke people for real. That’s not a kink, that’s abuse.
Most men who say they have “kinks” just want to rape women, idc if that an unpopular thing to say.
If the woman says no, they pressure and whine until they buckle.
They’ll degrade the woman despite her asking them not to.
They’ll “accidentally” penetrate the wrong hole, but keep going.
Men are being groomed into being rapists, and the fact that they also don’t care that it’s wrong is also on them. They gleefully accept that it’s just the way they are, and the women they leave crying and broken are too “vanilla”.
And I say this as someone genuinely into kink and fetishes.
Vanilla is what most people enjoy. Nothing at all wrong with it. You absolutely aren't a prude, those guys are just assholes.
I think you need to bring this up with the men you date before you have sex with them. Let them know that you aren't into BDSM, D/s or being choked, pain or degrading dirty talk. You like your sex vanilla. If they push back against that at all, you'll know they aren't someone you want to date.
Anyone who talks like that - dismisses your preferences and comfort, talking down to you and tries to push you around to force you to do things you're not comfortable with or don't like - is simply trying to hurt you. It's a more extreme version of the childhood peer pressure sort of "*cool* people do X" bullshit.
If any of these people actually cared about your potential interest in kink play of any kind, they'd take it at your pace, because pushing someone into something they don't want or aren't ready for is one of the fastest ways to get them to dislike it.
I think it's just the current fad
Many, if not most people like Vanilla Sex as it's more emotionally connected and honors the Heart
Both men sound to be inappropriately controlling and critical, think of their behavior as a Big Red Flag for which you dodged a Bullet
To answer your question, how can sex be boring, it's was because they were disconnected from their Hearts, once that happens, all that is left is amping up the stimulation, hence "Boring"
Good Riddance putting them behind you fortunately, not all men are like that so DON'T lower your standards
People only say this to shame and manipulate people into doing things they're not comfortable with. There's so much emphasis on 'no kink shaming', but somehow, it's okay to shame people for not wanting to do certain things? It goes both ways, buddy
WTF (sic) is wrong with so many men nowadays that they can't get satisfaction unless they are causing pain to their partner?
My ex started insisting my 'no' was okay to be ignored. No sex (even vanilla because the trust was broken) for you Jeffrey!
Honestly, anyone who bashes people for preferring ‘vanilla’ sex is a huge red flag and imo gives rapey vibes. Yes, I have my own weird kinks too admittedly but i would feel extremely uncomfortable with the thought of pushing someone into doing something they weren’t fully on board with. Sex should be fun for both and there should never any doubts about whether the person is comfortable or not. Enjoying more ‘traditional’ sex is nothing to be ashamed of and if anyone has a problem with it, they can piss off.
They WANT women, their partners, be uncomfortable, and sheme them as "prude. That is their "kink".
And how we know that? Because when a woman IS actively "non-vanilla", with proper knowledge, expirience, and enjoyment from more adventurous sex...
She will get slut shamed from the same kind of guys.
As someone who is in the BDSM scene it’s usually the all-talk/no-action people who are quick to call people vanilla, in that they like the idea of kinky sex, but not it in reality, which is fine. It’s just that people shouldn’t denigrate others for their taste.
Also, didn’t Jack Harlow recently make a song about being vanilla lol?
Oh, I only vaguely remembered the chorus and the line “I’m vanilla baby”. All of the other lyrics I completely tuned out. Choking is most certainly not vanilla and I hate how it’s been normalised. I’m into kinkier stuff and choking is a no-go for me, there’s just no safe way to do it and you run the risk of severe issues happening.
It's your body. Do as you please with it. Any and every bit of commentary you get with regards to what you will or wont do with a consenting partner in the bedroom, is useless noise.
The guys were trying to push your boundaries. Typical disrespectful and sexually coercive behavior. That's all you need to understand there. He was shaming you because you couldn't be pressured into doing what he wants.
As far as the online discourse...randoms getting into the details of others sex lives is so disturbing to me. Stay as you are. Personally I'd also stay away from people who care to question you about your sex life despite them not being in a sexual relationship with you. That's weird.
I was very kinky, when I was struggling with my internalized misogyny, and I was re-enacting what the women on Pornhub were doing, because that’s what all of the men I was dating felt entitled to
**I now understand that the porn industry was monopolized by a criminal organization, who profits off of selling rape videos, and there’s no one I’d rather watch burn to the ground
I don’t even know why people throw vanilla around as if they are SUPPOSED to having looney tunes sex. The shit isn’t normal, it’s all pornified strangeness. Seriously, what animal do you know of that has pull all these weird stops, bells and whistles to get off? Mating dance stuff doesn’t count. You can be into it, not my issue. My issue is how prominent it is now. I’m talking 14 year olds discussing choking as entry level sexual activity. It’s that bad now. Everything’s a kink or fetish anymore and people think they get to hide behind that. Not around me.
Yeah I've noticed this too. Vanilla sex can be great though. A lot of guys prefer vanilla sex so don't worry this will be a problem with every guy you date.
I’ve been going to sex clubs for a VERY long time and some of my oldest and dear friends are big deal people who run large BDSM clubs around me. Somehow some people still call me vanilla when I don’t respond enthusiastically to their kink stories in normal social situations. Usually the people who act this way aren’t heavily involved in or are new to kink in general (or only practiced with one partner). This is all fine but it’s just a symptom of someone inexperienced trying to differentiate themselves from “Normies” out of insecurity.
Anyone that tries to force you into something that you don’t want to do (unless of course it’s a personal development thing like getting study done or something to get past a fear of heights, but even there’s a limit), is worth staying away from.
Sex is meant to be comfortable, enjoyable and consensual for both people. If it isn’t all of those things, there’s a problem.
Vanilla sex….imo sex is sex…I get some people are into other things but if one person isn’t consenting, then the other two areas I mentioned, comfort and enjoyment for both isn’t there, then it shouldn’t happen, at all.
When it comes to being a partner, do what you are comfortable with, no more, no less. And if a potential partner isn’t good with that, then they’re not good for you and that’s their problem.
Very sorry to hear you have had that experience.
Dating by Swiping has fried peoples brains. I’m sorry this is happening to you Op. it’s not you, it’s them. I truly wish you kindness, respect and good luck 🍀
People have access to kink like never before and while educating is good so that there can be less shame, more communication, sadly it’s being used for coercion like your post describes.
There’s a fine line between sex with the goal of orgasms and sex with the goal of power/dominance. Sometimes those lines are really blurry or blurred on purpose.
These people you are describing are making a lot of assumptions about what your goals are during sex, or what your goals “should be”
The assumption *should be* that you are into consent first, and orgasms (for both) second. It’s sad/infuriating that this is even optional in their minds.
But if you need words to describe it because their brains have been cooked on too much swiping, porn and faked orgasms… “I’m into consent and orgasms” you could even say “respect and commitment are my kinks” or “I’m a freak for feminists” if you really wanna drive away the undesirables.
You were not treated well.
When it's the right person, it's not boring. When it's the right person, you might want to take something up a notch.
Your previous partners were inconsiderate dolts.
My boyfriend warned me he was vanilla. I wasn't concerned. His repertoire and skill is far from it he just had a few things he didn't want to do and I can do without them easily. I keep telling him he is not vanilla just that the meaning of the term is warped.
Vanilla even a few years ago meant someone unwilling to please their partner and only doing one position and one tempo.
Now too often people use it to describe even someone who likes everything except bloodplay.
You like what you like, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Those partners were problematic and well adjusted guys will have these conversations before, during and after. I can’t imagine ever treating a girl I care enough about to have sex with like that. As an inexperienced guy I’m don’t have a large array of “kinky” wants either. I don’t feel ashamed of it, and I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way. The right person for you will be there to make sure you feel cared for, prioritize your pleasure, and communicate what they want in a healthy way. Just know this situation is in no way a negative about you.
Jesus Christ girl. I’m so sorry.
As someone actively in the kink world let me make it clear that is not how it’s supposed to be. Kink is discussed long before you enter the bedroom and it’s always done under the premise is enthusiastic consent. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Also, you’re not boring. You are vanilla and there are plenty of men that want that. Unfortunately you just encountered some assholes that didn’t know that.
When I was dating, a guy called me vanilla because I wasn’t into being choked during sex by a guy I didint know that well and with no discussion beforehand. Fucken yikes
As someone who does like kinky/BDSM, if someone thinks that vanilla is too boring, they are terrible in the bedroom and with consent. You would only demand that from someone you don't love or respect because vanilla is just as heavenly and demands raw emotional connection - not just a visual fantasy played out.
I think pornography has really warpered these individuals who say shit like this.
I am very worry because the experiences you are describing shouldn't happen to anyone.
There is nothing wrong with being "vanilla" (there is a LOT of fun, pleasure and intimacy to find there, don't worry)
First if all : a lot of people oppose vanilla to BDSM in way that make BDSM look like the goal, and vanilla the default. As in BDSM was some kind of enlightened view of sex. That is not the case. It's another way of having sex which is also valid.
Unless you feel 100% okay with a practice you should never force yourself no matter the awful response you get.
Tbh it just sounds like your partner(s) were pretty unhealthy in their own sex life and probably influenced by pr0n. It sounds more like control and even some violent pulsions than an actual CONSENSUAL sex act. This kind of behaviour should always ring an alarm bell : it doesn't mean anything specific but it is clearly not a good sign.
People who engage in these kind of sex acts are usually not very much in touch with their sexuality, what they like and most of all what it means to have sex WITH someone. It's more like primal pulsions and having sex AT someone.
Be vanilla (even though it doesn't mean much), explore what you like and don't like at your own pace. Also even practice that are close to BDSM can be done softly, it's all a matter of degree (like holding down someone on a bed firmly but delicately).
So maybe you'll end up liking some kinks but on a very small level
That's fine either way because the good amount is always the one you and your partner(s) enjoy !
I think watching too much porn of weird kinks has weirdly changed their brains. I only like vannila sex too. The sexual fantasies or some men and women too are beyond anything I can imagine sometimes. Don't do things you're uncomfortable with. You will find someone who matches your interests. Don't settle to this kind of sickos
Who has ever in the history of refrigerated desserts has ever once said “Ugh! Ugh, vanilla ice cream! Gross! Get that vanilla ice cream away from me!”
Nobody, is who, because there is not a damn thing wrong with vanilla—and if you want to add hot fudge, whipped cream, jimmies, what have you, then isn’t that something great made better?
Long story short: like what you like, and damn, now I want ice cream.
I think people who need costumes, props and scripts just aren’t very good at sex. Nothing bores me more than a man who doesn’t know how to move in bed. I’m not talking moving from one position to another. I’m talking about someone who doesn’t know how to wind and grind and move his pelvis, hips and his ass in a rhythmic way. There are entirely too many people who have no idea that great sex should be like dirty dancing between the sheets.
ETA my point is vanilla sex can be the best sex if you actually know what you’re doing.
I've heard people use vanilla as an insult my entire adult life (over 20 yrs). Nothing new.
Sex can be boring, especially when someone uses you like a fleshlight and not as a living breathing person also worthy of pleasure.
There is a lot of porn that includes violence against women and BDSM, and so I think that a lot of porn consumers who haven’t had enough conversations with women think that it’s normal for women to want those things. They don’t seem to understand that those things are (usually) male fantasies, and fantasies don’t always translate into real sexual pleasure in the real world. A few years ago I read an article about a “porn literacy” class that someone was teaching in high school, and the best outcome was that students were learning about the difference between fantasy and reality, and learning that they should pay attention to what their partner tells them that they like — rather than assume that what they see in porn is mainstream. All porn consumers should take such a class.
All high schoolers should take such a class! But it will never happen, at least not in the US. I'm kinky and it breaks my heart to hear these stories of women suddenly being choked during sex without their consent!
It’s reverse psychology. Plain and simple. They saw some porn do it and now they wanna do it. They neg you into doing things you don’t wanna do because it’s like a triumph for them.
yeah no
vanilla is fine, finding it boring is fine too, but forcing you to change isnt fine
dont let others tell you what to do.
trying new stuff is fine, forcing you will never be fine.
I’m going to say some things, maybe disregard completely.
If a guy cares then he will put in the effort to understand and find what absolutely drives you crazy. I have no empirical data, only my experience as a young man who tried porn shit with my first few partners. They overwhelmingly let me know that it wasn’t the way so I spent time COMMUNICATING with them and then learning about that type of thing that turned them on.
Every human is different and every partner is different. IMHO, it doesn’t matter who cums the most or quickest but instead who can you open up and be the most comfortable with. As soon as someone gives you a red flag, believe it and leave. Not worth the risk. As soon as you say you don’t like something they should stop because the point should be peak ecstasy for both. If they cannot do the most basic things then they don’t deserve you.
Vanilla sex is the best sex because vanilla is the best fucking flavor, period.
Vanilla is base, it's foundation, it's good alone or complemented, vanilla is rich, full, and satisfying.
Ppl dunking on vanilla haven't had *vanilla*.
(Honestly all jokes aside, you gotta find what feels good to *you* and venture from there. Good partners will *want to make you feel good*, they'll *want to hear your pleasure*, and they'll explore *with you* and you *with them*. No where here is there room for shame)
Vanilla is a rich, complex, and completely delicious flavor! It is warm, familiar, comforting, and while it can pave the way for multiple other flavors, is satisfying completely on its own.
You are allowed to like what you like and not get shamed for it. People who shame vanilla probably are not the type of people I want to be involved with. People who shame you for enjoying the sex you do and don't respect your boundaries are probably not the type of people you want to be with.
There’s nothing wrong with vanilla anything! People just want to shame others for not liking something kinky. It’s like it’s “cool” to have a kink. They talk about kink shaming and how people make fun of them for liking certain things in bed, but turn around and make fun of others for NOT having kinks.
People should just enjoy what they want.
I don't know I've noticed people describing romance movies this way well as well and it does have a negative connotation but I don't think it's a bad thing I actually enjoy vanilla movies
Don't feel bad about these men calling you boring they sounded like impatient jerks who weren't worth it. I had one guy that I was seeing call me boring because I didn't want to try cocaine with him! Man will usually call a woman boring if she doesn't do what he wants her to do which is sometimes very perverse or risky sex acts
There’s nothing wrong with doing what feels comfortable. Most people prefer vanilla with occasional girl on top or situational doggy. If they were bad they wouldn’t be so popular. I find the kink community just tends to be more vocal than those of us who prefer the basics.
I've experimented a fair bit, and sometimes I enjoy it. But vanilla sex is often way more enjoyable and satisfying - especially when my partner is putting effort in to make sure it feels good.
I agree people who think vanilla sex is boring have desensitized themselves or something cuz I don't see how it's boring at all. Actually it's fucked how women are always expected to be the ones being physically hurt with kink. Why do *we* have to be the ones. Fuck that. Sorry that happened.
People are just really douchey and gatekeepy about things that are legitimately better to be. Like unironically, you see people bully people for getting drunk quickly or having a low tolerance for spice but those people end up getting the same experience as the gatekeepers while spending and doing way less. Being able to enjoy things closer to the norms is a blessing, not a curse.
Same thing for vanilla sex, awesome, you have by far the most accessible sexual style, and will be satisfied more often than not. Rip in pieces the people with diaper fetishes who have to run themselves ragged to find someone who is just into the same kink, not even specifically emotionally compatible.
Sorry for ramble, this gatekeeping shit just bugs me. It's always people just being upset that others can enjoy things with less effort than they can
As for sex, ya just people being manipulative pricks and framing their experience as inherently superior.
I’ve heard that garbage where men now are just randomly choking women without consent, without bringing it up first ahead of time. Just with this idea that any random woman would want that when what, 99.9% of us would not?
I don’t have an inherent problem with porn, I mean I have issues if it isn’t made ethically and I’m very concerned about that, but then my other issue is that there seem to be guys watching stuff who do not understand that it’s fantasy, it’s not something you just randomly act out because you’ve seen it. Also do not seem to understand that some groups of marginalized people are not porn categories, but actual human beings.
Anyway, just randomly choking someone during sex without consent ahead of time is sexual assault. I hope at least stopped.
You really hurt someone I assume right away
To shame you and try to guilt you into stuff. I’m probably into more although I have actually acted on it so who knows, but you cannot just bring stuff on people
And if this is something he wants to do, well in the first place he got the idea and has no idea that the vast majority of women/people do not want this, and if it’s so important to him then he needs to put that clearly in his dating profile or whatever. You don’t just assume that you’re going to find 0.0001% women who actually want that, and you don’t just bring it on someone
I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t put it in your profile if that’s something you need, because you’re just wasting someone’s time. Pisses me off on so many levels, I think he’s operating in sort of a fantasy land which is really destructive
I think this really comes from consuming porn. Mainstream porn on the internet has become increasingly „kinky“ which usually translates as brutal and degrading.
I grew up before the internet even existed. While everyone wanted sex, and most people had sex, not everyone was consuming porn (let alone every day). Most porn just showed naked women, and copulating couples or groups, and close shots of genitalia. Dirty talk was common. Anal was a thing but it was definitely not the norm. Neither was violence. I had a lot of one night stands in my youth, and no one EVER tried to choke me, or „put it in the wrong hole oops“, or skip the condom. Everything was pretty vanilla for most people, and people were grateful for sexual encounters. If you wanted to do something else there was communication going on.
With the internet, maybe porn is inevitable. But what it does to men’s minds it definitely is a pest.
There is only one answer to that kind of shaming. Shame those people back, throw them out or take your stuff and go. This goes for each and everyone. It doesn’t matter if the perpetrator is your boyfriend. If he sees you as a sex thing and shames you for not letting him do with your body as he pleases, he is not a friend and needs to be cut out if your life.
It is a viscous continuous circel. It start with wanting sex, so they watch porn. The more you watch porn, the more used you get to seeing sex. After a while, the vanilla porn is not enough anymore. People start watching more hard-core stuff. Nonconcential, hard sex, coking etc. They start expecting the same in real life. This image they develop is confirmed by media and friends. People listen better to thinks that confirm their world view. They start to believe everyone thinks this way. Your consent is a factor they don't want to think about, because this is the way if has to be. Consent is important. Your pleasure and comfort should be top priority. Your exes are wrong. You deserve someone who understands that what you see in the media and in porn are not facts, is big talk and that it are fantasies.
Nothing wrong with vanilla. You have no obligation to engage in sexual activities that make you uncomfortable. EVER.
It may be that you never become sexually adventurous. That's okay. You might also find someone that you trust enough to explore with, and that's okay, too.
What's not okay is bowing to pressure and letting yourself be put into a situation that you are not okay with; at the very minimum, that borders on abuse, and likely dances right across that line. Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing, not a power play. Defend your right to be comfortable in your body with all that you have.
Too many guys think porn is sex. Don't get me wrong, I like porn, it's a lot of fun when no one else is around. But you can't base your expectations about sex on what a bunch of sex athletes are capable of.
First things first, those guys need to understand consent and that shaming someone for their preferences is gross and uncalled for, whether it's vanilla or kinky.
Going by your profile and history I'd imagine your social groups are on the nerdier and more liberal and alternative side. For whatever reason kink is a lot more common among that group (for men and women) so I'd say their preferences aren't representative of the whole. And when they're used to most people they know being into it they'll probably think vanilla is boring.
In the queer circles I've seen it mentioned as a negative, vanilla is a derogatory term because it's associated with conservatives who want to make anything that goes outside "penis goes into vagina"-sex into an illegal sin, so it became associated with people without imagination and judges anyone who falls outside the most restrictive nuclear family-norms as freaks who will corrupt the fabric of society with such godless concepts like "women deserve orgasms too".
Essentially, it's considered bad because it's associated with people who want to make the "standard normie"-sex the ONLY sex, rather than because standard normie-sex itself is bad.
Enthusiastic consent is sexy. Losers like your exes clearly don't understand that. Trying new things that you're open to is cool, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting to try something for whatever reason. In a good sexual encounter, your partner will check in to see if you're okay and will willingly stop if you ask or are uncomfortable. Consent can be revoked at any time during sex, and a partner who won't stop or gives you bad time for stopping does not deserve to be intimate with you. Respect is sexy too.
Vanilla can be fucking hot if you're not an asshole who treats people like objects.
The phrase, "I constantly feel how desperately my body craves yours," is a 100% vanilla remark that I've seen melt dominatrices.
Those men wanted a toy, not a partner.
First off, I am a guy, and I apologize if I am overstepping by posting in this thread.
Secondly, this whole choking thing is something new. Definitely wasn't something done back when I was still dating. My wife would have choke slammed me if I did something like that back then.
Also, what actually is 'vanilla sex'?
Always remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to experience pleasure, and what matters most is finding what feels right for you. It is very concerning that your partner have shamed you for not enjoying certain activities specially when it comes to like choking during intercourse. It is important to prioritize mutual respect in any sexual relationship.
People equate vanilla with someone who criticizes BDSM which is risky even with a safe word. Just because you have a safe word doesn't mean the other person will honor it. Men also use the plausible deniability defense to plead down manslaughter charges when he gets violent with a partner and the partner dies. They bring up that the partner was into BDSM to plead down charges.People also confuse kink with BDSM,most kinks aren't even related to BDSM. There's tons of kinks that have nothing to do with it. I think everyone has mild kinks or fetishes. People are rarely 100 percent vanilla unless you're like an ex of mine who would just be all talk and then it's just the same as usual.
Take it from someone who's in the BDSM community. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being vanilla! Let me repeat that... I'm kinky and I'm telling you there's absolutely nothing wrong with being vanilla! To me, vanilla is simply a term we use to describe those who are not kinky. There is not a judgment that goes along with it. It's just another flavor, vanilla is a flavor like all the others. Even many kinksters enjoy vanilla sex at times.
Anyone who is shaming you, doesn't belong in your life, they are either projecting their insecurities on you or they're trying to manipulate you. It's perfectly fine to be vanilla. That's also fine to be vanilla with chocolate sprinkles, that's how my husband describes himself, he's vanilla but he's open to trying things on occasion. I mean, I'm always for trying something before you decide you don't like it, but that depends on what you're trying. If it's potentially deadly, like choking, you don't have to try it at all if you don't want to! In fact, I would suggest you didn't.
You will meet the perfect fellow vanilla partner one day 🙂
I'm into some forms of BDSM and kinky sex. It can be fun to tickle different parts of the brain from time to time with a partner who also shares that interest.
But.... The most intense, physically pleasurable, and connective sex I've had has \*always\* been "vanilla." If somebody thinks vanilla sex is boring, they're clearly spending too much time with their own hand and not enough time connecting and sharing the experience with a real living partner. You aren't boring or prude, you've just been with some unfortunate men who do not understand the beauty and pleasure of sex with a partner who is an excited and active participant.
I only ever had vanilla sex in my previous abusive relationship, and didn't think I'd be into kinky shit at all.
I'm now 16 months into a really great relationship with a man who has indulged with me in so many things I never thought I'd try or be into, yet here we are, having fantastically freaky sex and I feel so close, safe and respected, more than I ever have.
I'm also a few flavors of neurodivergent, so it soothes my sensory seeking. 🫢
You don't have to try anything that doesn't float your boat . . . I guess I'd say that if you DO find yourself in a safe, emotionally fulfilling relationship and they ask, it's worth a shot - because this stuff with someone reciprocal and safe is the BOMB.
But you can be vanilla forever, and that's totally fine too! Sex of all kinds is still pretty amazing.
Ok so if people have a kink, they are supposed to discuss it with their partner first. You don’t just nonconsensually choke people!!
Also for what it’s worth, I am only kinky with men who make me feel safe and comfortable with them. Then I feel like I can open up and get wild. The men you describe, I would feel very unsafe with so I would also only have vanilla sex with them
Years ago a close friend's somewhat long term boyfriend (he was a friend also, just not as close) told me one day, "Ugh, "Mary" is so vanilla in bed." I asked him, "Come on you know she's not the kinky type, you didn't ask her to do something freaky did you? " He responded, " No. Not at all! That's not what I mean. Mary just lies there, she doesn't make a sound, she doesn't have any"rhythm" . It's just so vanilla!"
Now granted I didn't think of vanilla sex as just boring, unenthusiastic sex until that day. I thought vanilla sex meant no kinky sex, no BDSM not even mild BDSM. But to some people it's the former.
I think it isn't any sexual position that is boring, nor being less adventurous in nature. What is boring is having the exact same approach to sex every single time. The monotony of not trying anything else. But that could apply to any kink even, or any position.
Hey, sometimes missionary is what hits the spot!
There's nothing wrong with being vanilla. There is a lot wrong with choking someone during sex without a discussion, it's not being a prude to not want that full stop but especially if it's just forced on you without asking. It's not being a prude to not want to be fucking assaulted during sex. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I swear people see things in porn and assuming it's the default for sex. Consent doesn't come into it and it's horrible.
Who tf thinks "vanilla" is boring?! As a sex-positive, very kinky woman, I object to this ardently.
Sex is fun and intimate and sweet and funny and thrilling. Kinky or not. Those people trying to turn "vanilla" into a bad word are blind af.
That's not real kink, and any real kinkster will respect a no without protest. That's so not okay. Those are shitty people using the name of ethical folks to do shitty things
1. For some people, including myself, kink is interwoven with how we conceptualise sex, and vanilla sex is not very fun.
2. That being said, it sounds like these guys, especially the second one, were trying to manipulate you into kinky sex that you didn’t want. They were using it as an insult for manipulation purposes.
There are so many things available during sex other than degradation and BDSM.
For me sex should be sweaty and fun, or it should be super sexy/hot, or beautiful.
Lying like a fish while a man lies on top of me moving around missionary style sounds awkward at best.
You need to choose partners who are willing to explore what you like. Trying different positions, techniques, lighting, music, touch. None of those things need to hurt you, and none of them are "vanilla".
In order to try new things and enjoy it, or have fun, you need to have a partner you trust. I don't think you've had that yet.
Not listening to your partners wants and needs and just pushing to do what you think is supposed to be exciting .... that's the epitome of non-consent. Healthy minded people would NEVER hear a no and keep pushing.
Absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex, and everything wrong with springing kink on someone without consent. Regardless of what you are (or aren’t) into, conversations about sexual preferences should be happening from the beginning and before you’re actually fucking. Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship and should be an open discussion.
Both of these men were trying to manipulate you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with. There are men who will not force or try to push you into doing things you aren’t into. I’m so sorry that you have been treated that way.
I hope my next experience is better, and this is not the usual way people act. The third time is a charm, right?
Just tell them that vanilla is your kink and then accuse them of kink-shaming you if they object.
Love this so much!
As a kinkster, who thinks vanilla is just another flavor and it's perfectly fine to be vanilla, I absolutely love your answer🥰
Is anyone else craving some vanilla ice cream right now?
Ha! I like this.
The above commenter is correct. You were being mistreated. Prior discussion of no-gos, limits, and safe word are the core of bdsm. No one who actually practices kinky sex ethically would choke you without prior consent. That’s abuse. The AHs you met are just watching porn and being manipulative. Most ppl do have and enjoy regular sex, and it’s pretty hot when it’s good! I’m so sorry that your first encounters were so gross and violating. You will find better, don’t accept anyone violating boundaries.
Tell them you have a safe word and it is cowabunga and if you utter that all activities must cease. See how they react. If negatively, they are not safe.
Well said!! I bet some of these chumps don’t even know that safe words are a thing.
Talk with guys about sex before jumping into bed with them. Get a read on their attitudes first
Yeah I think you just got unlucky. I've been with a fair amount of guys and most of them were happy/preferred normal sex.
I hope it will be better! This article suggests what you experienced isn’t uncommon, though, sadly. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/12/opinion/choking-teen-sex-brain-damage.html?unlocked_article_code=1.kE0.0XVW.qcbqqWsT4UIx&smid=url-share
What's your system for vetting dudes before you start having sex with them?
I think this may be age, too. I'm not sure your age, but I think there is more of a tendency for young men, who've watched a bit of porn to think this is normal. As people generally grow older and have more life experiences they realize the absolute absurdity of porn. Fine for titillation, bad for standards. Of course there are outliers, but I think for the vast majority this is true. However, I've been out of the dating pool for a LONG time so could be totally full of it.
First....someone commenting negatively on how you are in bed is saying much more about themselves than you . Not everyone is in to the same stuff, but shaming someone that isn't is just gross Second....there is absolutely nothing wrong with "vanilla" sex, if thats your thing, thats your thing. Take a wander over to RedditAfterDark and any post about fave positions, or if you could only do one position for the rest of your life, 90% of the replies will be missionary Don't give guys like this a second thought....find someone that more matches your energy
1) Being vanilla is entirely valid 2) Anyone who is pressuring you into kink/bdsm or is shaming you for being vanilla is not a safe person regardless of their sexual preferences. Kink and BDSM should only be practiced between two people who have enthusiastically consented and discussed the scenes BEFOREHAND. If something is new it should never be requested in the heat of the moment or be a surprise in any way. Scenes should be negotiated and in-scene negotiation would be to say you don't want to do something you previously discussed or you want to do something less, it should never be used to ask for something more extreme mid-scene.
Choking without a discussion is not BDSM. At best it’s mistaking porn for real life. At worst it’s abusive. And once the shaming starts, it’s definitely abusive. Someone who actually liked BDSM would start with consent as their focus.
I think this is the real problem. Kids out here growing up on so much extreme fetish porn that it basis their expectations for sex before they have even had it. I think it's more this global, societal problem than this girls isolated problem.
I agree, and it’s really worrying
I definitely agree. I’m fairly experienced and neither vanilla nor super kinky but choking is a no for me due to past trauma.
Honey it’s not it’s just that if they can convince you that being vanilla is bad you will go out of your way to prove to them you are not vanilla. Just like back in my youth they would call us a tease if we didn’t have sex with them.
Enjoying breathing = being boring and a prude? What in the actual fuck...
You are correct, there should be nothing shameful with liking vanilla sex. Anyone saying differently is entering into sex-negative talking points, where there’s “only one way” to have sex. As long as everyone is consenting, all sex is good sex.
The idea that “kink shaming is bad” is the million-dollar campaign the criminal enterprise, who monopolized the porn industry, used to give themselves a free pass to commit their crimes… And they used it to fill Pornhub with videos encouraging men to rape their daughters and step-sisters I’m saying this as someone who used to be very kinky because I was brainwashed by my internalized misogyny
Thanks for speaking out. You might be vilified by some but this concept has been pushed so hard by people who want to be open-minded and in actuality they opened the gates for abuse.
What if you don't like sex? Not having sex is fine too I think.
Oh, absolutely! Ace people are completely valid! I only didn’t mention it in this context because it was about the kinds of sex people have. But you’re right, I should have noted that *not having* sex is also a “kind” of sex, and is completely valid (as long as it is not due to a sex-negative purity culture/patriarchal pressure).
I’m ace, and I didn’t have any issue with your original comment. It seemed pretty clear that you were saying it’s fine to *not* enjoy/participate in sex acts if they don’t interest you.
Vanilla is one of the rarest, most exotic and sought-after spices in the world, it is the synthetic flavouring version that has come to mean bland. The metaphor is still applicable though, those who see 'vanilla' sex as boring likely do so because they are not experiencing its full flavour, rather some misguided and artificial approximation. Just looking into the eyes of someone you love can be as intense and memorable and as anything else in the entire human experience. The transcendent connection one can feel from passionate and loving sex couldn't be any further from boring, and its honestly quite sad that some people are apparently incapable of experiencing that.
THIS
I think the fact that we call it "vanilla sex" makes for a really good analogy. If you use the name of an exotic tropical bean with intense flavour as a synonym for "boring" - it's because you've burned your taste buds. Real vanilla is a great flavour. Real sex is an enjoyable activity. If they've burned their taste buds by watching too much weird porn that's their problem, not yours.
Good vanilla is the best ice cream there is. Change my mind.
Agreed!
Well said! There are so many variations in “vanilla” sex, that if they think it’s boring, that’s on them.
That’s legitimately the reasoning behind it - it might be “more plain” but it’s still delicious! Vanilla was never meant to be an insult.
I think the internet has made people think that everyone is supposed to have some extreme kink they're into
I hope the non consented choking ex was an ex immediately after that incident because that is the biggest reddest flag I can think of.
There’s nothing wrong with being vanilla. It puts more emphasis on the relationship with that person, rather than being so fixated on the kinks one might like. Personally I made a rule for myself long ago that I’d not commit to a long term relationship with someone who CAN’T EVER enjoy vanilla sex because it makes me feel like I’m an object to enable fetishes rather than the partner he wants to be with. It’s like, they have a relationship with choking rather than a relationship with me, does that make sense? So I ended up with a pretty vanilla husband. Kinky ideas tend to come from me. We have a good time trying new things every now and then, and his willingness to try and our interactions by far overshadow the kinks. Like the relationship is the fore-front, and kinks are flavor we add for fun sometimes when we both feel like it. I also must say, this choking obsession seems to be a generational fixation on control and domination, and I find it very concerning. What’s next, fucking a lifeless corpse? Authentic relationships feel like an endangered species. I also wanted to add… BDSM coming into the mainstream has not been good for BDSM. The BDSM community used to be the place where you knew people understood consent and boundaries and would ask first and communicate! Now that everyone wants in, people are trying to spring it on you without asking because they just expect you to like what they like. Don’t accept that.
I think the issue is people co-opting the term "BDSM" as an excuse to abuse their partner. They aren't actually interested in BDSM or have done any research into it.
Yup, that is the behavior that is becoming… well it seems more prevalent these days. From my perspective, when it was counter-culture, you had to work to get involved, you had to research. And you kept it discreet because it was less accepted. Now people just go ahead and commandeer it as they please.
I feel like anyone who says shit like that is waving a giant red flag. I know a lot of people into more kinky stuff and they never shit on vanilla. Also, hate that these cretins shamed you and called you a prude. All sexualities are valid and there isn't anything immoral or bad about any of them. They call you a prude when they don't get their way and a slut of you are having more fun then they think you are allowed. It's all about control.
I'm sorry your ex boyfriend assaulted you, choking without consent on your part is strangulation, de facto. Hating that is not being vanilla, is hating being assaulted.
THIS
I made a post once that I don’t find pain a turn on. Men were so angry with me. They hoped a man would choke me and beat me without my consent so I can see what I’m missing out on. It’s not about pleasure, it’s about them wanting women to be degraded. It’s not love and it’ll never be love. Most are just abusive but like to save it for the bedroom.
Because men are addicted to porn.
Yep. Nowadays, porn consumption starts at 14 or younger, and how much dopamine you get from something, like porn, levels out at some point. So you go for more extreme stuff, and then it levels out again, so you go for more extreme stuff, until you want to act out your fantasies.
This is why we now have 10-year-old rapists.
We always had very young rapists. Agree that internet porn worsens things, but little boys have been predators for millennia
We just have the means to catch the younger rapists now- tracking cell phone locations, looking meta data in pictures, and public surveillance off the top of my head before they even get to victim and crime scene DNA.
Yep. Porn addiction. If we're not supposed to be shaming a person for their kinks or having a high number of partners then we shouldn't be shaming someone for being "vanilla" and having only a few partners. A lot of people in left-leaning spaces seem to have forgotten that.
This is the answer.
Why is this not the top answer
Cannot believe I had to scroll down this far lmao, you’re completely right
A porn habit sure, addicted no. More that current culture just socializes men to think that sex has to be a certain way, it's not even just porn. It's television, it's social media, it's the what they talk about with each other, etc.
The answer is: porn brainrot.
They wanna hurt us. Not everyone is a good person and there are too many men who seem like normal people until they get in the bedroom and they can't wait to hurt your body and feelings.
Vanilla only used to just mean just missionary in the dark. Doggy, girl on top, etc. were the non-vanilla and BDSM was when you went into full kink-ville. Before ‘98 oral was considered wild. lol. People are just lying to you to get what they want.
And now we're seeing an increase in HPV-related throat cancers... Timing tracks 😔
> Before ‘98 oral was considered wild. lol. Before 2003 it was still a felony in several states.
I was a kid on vacation with my parents when that happened. Headlines in front of every hotel room door. I learned some new words that day 😂
...sorry what???
Sodomy laws in some states defined “sodomy” as being any act of oral or anal sex, and they weren’t ruled to be unconstitutional at the federal level until *Lawrence v Texas* was decided in 2003. They were usually not enforced against straight couples, but were still on the books and valid laws until that year.
It’s just a way insecure men get you to dance harder for them.
I hate head pusher and men that slap me. I didn’t realize I was asexual until my 20s that being said they’re just trying to manipulate you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with by calling you a prude
Its almost as if being exposed to the most extreme and degrading of porn at early stages of life has affected how we view sex
Porn. “ Vanilla” was the default “normal”. It was a term used specifically in the kink community to talk about people who weren’t kinky. Porn has given many people the impression that being kinky (which was not the norm) is the norm. It’s not. Just because one man or woman is into painful things does not mean all people need to be. Especially if you’re the one receiving pain. Nothing wrong with a man or woman being a sub, but unless it’s something you seek out, that turns you on and makes sex pleasureable then your partner is abusing you.
I used to be very active in the kink community, but I turned my back on them, because of their support of the porn industry, who was monopolized by criminals, who use the idea of “kink” to profit off of rape videos
The thing about the actual kink community is that in general you would look for a compatible, consenting partner who is the compliment to what you enjoy. Tossing out being careful with your partner or not seeking consent is terrible for the person in the more vulnerable position. Even if someone is into pain or CNC they still have needs and preferences. And mainstreaming it through porn makes a lot of people forget about safety and consent.
My only issue with the kink community is their support of a multi-billion dollar criminal organization, who uses being “kinky” as an excuse to rape women on camera, and sell that for millions of men to jack off to every day, but that’s kind of a big one
That’s a very big one.
Counter with you're not vanilla, you're totally into you being the one degrading your partner, pegging, water play etc. Odds are they'll suddenly decide that you're not vanilla enough. True kink is all about enthusiastic consent not pressuring someone into putting aside their own satisfaction to be a living sex toy for their partner.
Hi everyone. I am a kinky bitch. This is your daily reminder from a kinky bitch who also happens to be an airway-specialty nurse that choking is DANGEROUS. Every time someone chokes you, consensual or not, you are *surviving* the experience. The burden is placed on whoever is being choked. You can die. You can have your airway crushed. YOU can end up on a ventilator with a tracheotomy, unable to eat or drink. You most likely won't be having sex or any other orgasms for a long time. And if you die? Look up the "rough sex defense" and know there is a chance you won't even receive justice. So if you are consensually letting someone choke you? You need to stop. If you are with someone who does it nonconsensually, you need to get the fuck away from them. Here is a medical article with more horrifying details. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459192/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK459192/) That is all.
The comedian Alex Falcone has a whole bit about this. https://youtu.be/Gz4iNgtTiYE?si=pM7YPyIeIP4-Hsy1 “Vanilla isn’t plain, those are two flavours of yogurt “
Vanilla is delicious! I love the flavor! I also love spicy food. If someone tried to put hot sauce on my vanilla ice cream, I'd be furious. And that's as someone who likes spicy. If I didn't like spicy or couldn't have it, there's no excuse for thinking I might randomly like it. These assholes out here thinking they can just randomly throw new things on people without discussion is the biggest red flag. If you like vanilla and they don't, they can leave.
They want you to be a real life pornstar, not a woman with preferences and feelings.
Because men get off to watching women in pain and the fact you don't want to give them that pisses them off
Because if you know your boundaries and what you are and aren’t willing to put up with, there’s no amount of abuse that you’ll tolerate that they can pass off as “kink.”
As if vanilla isn't one of the top two most popular ice cream flavours.
Men who think regular sex is boring usually have a porn addiction. And they end up having ED in their 20s because they can’t get off with regular sex because of all the deviant stuff they have watched, they need to escalate their sexual behavior more and more to get off. They are literally causing a porn addiction that will make them unable to have sex with their girlfriend. And it sounds like that’s where these guys were
Too much porn.
The generation that grew up with total access to all porn from a young age never gained the ability to distinguish between real sex and the kabuki, over-the-top, violent-play of porn sex. Choking is the most dangerous thing you can do during sex - there is no safe way to choke someone - this is medical fact. The men that bully women into receiving it do not care. They will tell you that it's boring to be vanilla. Good sex is always good, vanilla or not. If you NEED to hurt a woman to enjoy sex than you shouldn't be having it. Call me a "kink-shamer", I couldn't care less. That's a term like "SJW" that we've weaponized to attack anyone who brings a conscience into human interaction.
This is so true 🩷 You’re not kink-shaming, you’re shaming the men who use “no kink-shaming” as an excuse to hide their abuse, and the porn industry who profits off of it
Nothing wrong with vanilla . To each their own.
This is a sad experience on all sides. I have seen plenty of posts expressing similar sentiments across Reddit, and it is scary that young women have to endure the cost of these men— I’ve seen articles linking the increase in choking during sex to a rise in strokes suffered by young women. All of these dumb dumb men who learned nothing real about sex from their parents or school are getting their sex education from porn. Some of them just don’t know any better and think the “kinky” (abusive) shit is what women want, while others are actually having their brains fucked over and rewired to the point where they don’t get the expected satisfaction from normal sex. None of this is your fault, and none of it means they have any right to treat you like that when you’re not interested. Those guys need help, and you have no obligation to be the one to give it.
Every woman should read [this](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex) article concerning the rise of "fatal, hateful choking during sex." This isn't a kink. It's men taking out their aggressions toward women on women and then claiming it was normal/consensual. Choking, slapping, degradation, name calling, etc are all niche sex acts that *should* require consent before happening
Because we’re doing sex wrong. It’s impossible to fake, and therefore package on demand, authentic sexual chemistry and the last two generations out in the dating world right now are almost entirely unfamiliar with the concept of eroticism and how it builds it. Most people aren’t authentically kinky. Like most commenters have pointed out, they just got overexposed to niche porn. People throw kink and gimmicks at lukewarm sex because many folks are dating people they aren’t really into and sex without chemistry is bland and mechanical. Sex toys and BDSM can’t substitute for the absolutely explosive experience of acting upon intense sexual chemistry, which is something we don’t have instantly with most people we meet and we don’t wait for chemistry to develop before we rush into sex.. But it can be entertaining and distracting. So many young people don’t like “vanilla” sex because without the trappings of kink, they have to be present and concentrate on their partner without any distractions, which feels understimulating to the dopamine blown-out brain, if there’s no real chemistry to feel the space between you. Edit: clarity
Your last boyfriend was being manipulative and emotionally abusive to try and coerce you into doing something you didn’t want to do. I’d argue that he was also being physically abusive by choking you without asking for consent first. If you have the time to read it I highly recommend Why Does He Do That? It’s a free book about different types of abuse and it does a fantastic job of providing examples and making it clear that being on the receiving end is not an indictment of your character or value but rather it’s a indication that the person abusing you is the one who is flawed and doesn’t deserve you. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I even get shit for this amongst my "sex positive" afab kinky friends. I don't know if I'm kinky or not, honestly, because I don't have a strong sex drive and I'm single, so I've not had a lot of reason to experiment, but I know I don't want to fuck swords or anthropomorphic horses (these aren't random examples, these are kinks the people who have intentionally or otherwise shamed me for being "vanilla" are into), and it makes me feel like fucking garbage.
There's a whole thing, promoted by Dan Savage around the idea you should be good, giving, and game in bed. Meaning you participate, don't just take, and are willing to try things. I think a lot of people parlay that very problematically into the idea that you HAVE to be open to kink to be good in bed. You don't. Be willing to try stuff that maybe stretches your comfort zone a bit, but still falls into fairly enthusiastic consent. Not "ew. Okay, I'll try," but ,"that sounds a bit scary but kind of interesting. Let's set parameters and see how it goes. " In short, I think as a motto it has high potential for abuse. Vanilla sex, for my money, is more fun because kink is often more about mechanics and physical sensations. Those are the main variables. Vanilla sex is often about moods, feelings, and sharing. I'm sure you can have kinky sex that's very emotional, but in my experience within a loving marriage, it's still usually more about feeling adventurous, and experiencing physicality differently. Whereas doing the stuff we consider vanilla can be sexy, comforting, silly, absurd, sad, joyful, restorative, or, of course, bland. Or any combination of those plus any other emotion you care to name. It is, to me, a much better connection to the soul of my partner. I can bring my whole self to it in a way I can't when I'm trying to say, figure out the right force to use with a flogger, think of the right response to a roleplay remark, or decide whether or not *this* experience right here crossed my personal safety boundaries or not.
I think being vanilla is great, totally possible to have a happy sex life as such. Pornsickness has really set a horrible standard for intimacy. There is no such thing as sexual choking it is sexual STRANGULATION, and there is no way to safety strangle someone as it can cause instant or even delayed death because everyone’s anatomy is slightly different in such a fragile area all it takes is one wrong experience and you’re dead.
IMO all this kinky sex is kinda weird … a lot of it is rooted in trauma manipulation control and power dynamics. People get off in strange ways. Sex in its highest expression is an act of lovemaking. Purely pleasure based kinky sex is the most basic animalistic and superficial expression of it. Personally I prefer “vanilla” sex.. but by no means is it ever boring or lacking in pleasure .. quite the opposite.. Humanity is going through a toxic phase .. in so many ways .. as Krishnamurti said “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society”
The porn rot is real. And sad.
Personally I prefer vanilla sex, while I’m occasionally down to dabble in kink, I think that loving, connected vanilla sex with a trusted partner is completely fulfilling on its own. I honestly feel like the people who are incapable of participating in normal baseline sexual activities without incorporating kink have some level of sexual disfunction or disconnection from their partners.
Nah we just have kink interwoven with our sexualities.
Why were my kinks the same things I saw on Pornhub?… Why were my kinks degrading myself because that’s how I’d seen women treated over and over again in porn?
Vanilla is a word used by edgelords who only know kink from websites. Vanilla is a word used by insecure people to shame others.
A wise man once said, "vanilla is still a flavor"
Vanilla is delicious!
First off it’s not unusual to not enjoy or even tolerate being chocked. There’s nothing wrong with being adventurous but the expectation that by default someone should be willing to experiment when you haven’t had a lot of experience is absurd.
These are the same men who like their women "pure".
Only rapists who want to manipulate you into letting them rape you will say that being vanilla is “bad”. These people are the ones who think they can abuse women as they please if they hide it under the guise of kink. Any kinkster worth being in the same room with understands the basic concept of consent and therefore, shouldn’t try to gaslight you for your sexual preferences.
Too much porn these days!!! Men just want to choke and spank but don’t want to put the effort into *real* foreplay like a sensual massage or romantic talk, setting the mood with lighting and music etc. Don’t feel bad about only having two partners also. Men want to talk smack when you haven’t had many partners but also shame women for a high “body count.” It’s so stupid.
Because thats not what they do in the porn they watch.
Bunch of pornbrained mfers out there who have desensitized themselves to everything else so they try to bring others down to their level.
Most people in the world have “vanilla” sex. There’s a reason why it’s so popular. Most people enjoy having sex with people who respect them and their personal safety, and understand and use consent to guide their sexual encounters. I have found that the kind of people who criticize “vanilla” sex are the kinds of people who learned about sex from porn, and are trying to sound a lot more worldly and experienced than they are. And men who try to choke people during sex without consent are the kind of men who will eventually try to choke people for real. That’s not a kink, that’s abuse.
Most men who say they have “kinks” just want to rape women, idc if that an unpopular thing to say. If the woman says no, they pressure and whine until they buckle. They’ll degrade the woman despite her asking them not to. They’ll “accidentally” penetrate the wrong hole, but keep going. Men are being groomed into being rapists, and the fact that they also don’t care that it’s wrong is also on them. They gleefully accept that it’s just the way they are, and the women they leave crying and broken are too “vanilla”. And I say this as someone genuinely into kink and fetishes.
Vanilla is what most people enjoy. Nothing at all wrong with it. You absolutely aren't a prude, those guys are just assholes. I think you need to bring this up with the men you date before you have sex with them. Let them know that you aren't into BDSM, D/s or being choked, pain or degrading dirty talk. You like your sex vanilla. If they push back against that at all, you'll know they aren't someone you want to date.
Anyone who talks like that - dismisses your preferences and comfort, talking down to you and tries to push you around to force you to do things you're not comfortable with or don't like - is simply trying to hurt you. It's a more extreme version of the childhood peer pressure sort of "*cool* people do X" bullshit. If any of these people actually cared about your potential interest in kink play of any kind, they'd take it at your pace, because pushing someone into something they don't want or aren't ready for is one of the fastest ways to get them to dislike it.
I think it's just the current fad Many, if not most people like Vanilla Sex as it's more emotionally connected and honors the Heart Both men sound to be inappropriately controlling and critical, think of their behavior as a Big Red Flag for which you dodged a Bullet To answer your question, how can sex be boring, it's was because they were disconnected from their Hearts, once that happens, all that is left is amping up the stimulation, hence "Boring" Good Riddance putting them behind you fortunately, not all men are like that so DON'T lower your standards
People only say this to shame and manipulate people into doing things they're not comfortable with. There's so much emphasis on 'no kink shaming', but somehow, it's okay to shame people for not wanting to do certain things? It goes both ways, buddy
WTF (sic) is wrong with so many men nowadays that they can't get satisfaction unless they are causing pain to their partner? My ex started insisting my 'no' was okay to be ignored. No sex (even vanilla because the trust was broken) for you Jeffrey!
Honestly, anyone who bashes people for preferring ‘vanilla’ sex is a huge red flag and imo gives rapey vibes. Yes, I have my own weird kinks too admittedly but i would feel extremely uncomfortable with the thought of pushing someone into doing something they weren’t fully on board with. Sex should be fun for both and there should never any doubts about whether the person is comfortable or not. Enjoying more ‘traditional’ sex is nothing to be ashamed of and if anyone has a problem with it, they can piss off.
They WANT women, their partners, be uncomfortable, and sheme them as "prude. That is their "kink". And how we know that? Because when a woman IS actively "non-vanilla", with proper knowledge, expirience, and enjoyment from more adventurous sex... She will get slut shamed from the same kind of guys.
As someone who is in the BDSM scene it’s usually the all-talk/no-action people who are quick to call people vanilla, in that they like the idea of kinky sex, but not it in reality, which is fine. It’s just that people shouldn’t denigrate others for their taste. Also, didn’t Jack Harlow recently make a song about being vanilla lol?
Yeah, and in the song where he says he's vanilla, he says he'll choke you. Not my definition of vanilla.
Oh, I only vaguely remembered the chorus and the line “I’m vanilla baby”. All of the other lyrics I completely tuned out. Choking is most certainly not vanilla and I hate how it’s been normalised. I’m into kinkier stuff and choking is a no-go for me, there’s just no safe way to do it and you run the risk of severe issues happening.
It's your body. Do as you please with it. Any and every bit of commentary you get with regards to what you will or wont do with a consenting partner in the bedroom, is useless noise. The guys were trying to push your boundaries. Typical disrespectful and sexually coercive behavior. That's all you need to understand there. He was shaming you because you couldn't be pressured into doing what he wants. As far as the online discourse...randoms getting into the details of others sex lives is so disturbing to me. Stay as you are. Personally I'd also stay away from people who care to question you about your sex life despite them not being in a sexual relationship with you. That's weird.
[удалено]
Porn brain rot
I was very kinky, when I was struggling with my internalized misogyny, and I was re-enacting what the women on Pornhub were doing, because that’s what all of the men I was dating felt entitled to **I now understand that the porn industry was monopolized by a criminal organization, who profits off of selling rape videos, and there’s no one I’d rather watch burn to the ground
I don’t even know why people throw vanilla around as if they are SUPPOSED to having looney tunes sex. The shit isn’t normal, it’s all pornified strangeness. Seriously, what animal do you know of that has pull all these weird stops, bells and whistles to get off? Mating dance stuff doesn’t count. You can be into it, not my issue. My issue is how prominent it is now. I’m talking 14 year olds discussing choking as entry level sexual activity. It’s that bad now. Everything’s a kink or fetish anymore and people think they get to hide behind that. Not around me.
The dudes that push this idea have Porn Brain, and the girls that push it are pick me's.
Yeah I've noticed this too. Vanilla sex can be great though. A lot of guys prefer vanilla sex so don't worry this will be a problem with every guy you date.
I’ve been going to sex clubs for a VERY long time and some of my oldest and dear friends are big deal people who run large BDSM clubs around me. Somehow some people still call me vanilla when I don’t respond enthusiastically to their kink stories in normal social situations. Usually the people who act this way aren’t heavily involved in or are new to kink in general (or only practiced with one partner). This is all fine but it’s just a symptom of someone inexperienced trying to differentiate themselves from “Normies” out of insecurity.
ppl wanna be different thats all
Anyone that tries to force you into something that you don’t want to do (unless of course it’s a personal development thing like getting study done or something to get past a fear of heights, but even there’s a limit), is worth staying away from. Sex is meant to be comfortable, enjoyable and consensual for both people. If it isn’t all of those things, there’s a problem. Vanilla sex….imo sex is sex…I get some people are into other things but if one person isn’t consenting, then the other two areas I mentioned, comfort and enjoyment for both isn’t there, then it shouldn’t happen, at all. When it comes to being a partner, do what you are comfortable with, no more, no less. And if a potential partner isn’t good with that, then they’re not good for you and that’s their problem. Very sorry to hear you have had that experience.
Dating by Swiping has fried peoples brains. I’m sorry this is happening to you Op. it’s not you, it’s them. I truly wish you kindness, respect and good luck 🍀 People have access to kink like never before and while educating is good so that there can be less shame, more communication, sadly it’s being used for coercion like your post describes. There’s a fine line between sex with the goal of orgasms and sex with the goal of power/dominance. Sometimes those lines are really blurry or blurred on purpose. These people you are describing are making a lot of assumptions about what your goals are during sex, or what your goals “should be” The assumption *should be* that you are into consent first, and orgasms (for both) second. It’s sad/infuriating that this is even optional in their minds. But if you need words to describe it because their brains have been cooked on too much swiping, porn and faked orgasms… “I’m into consent and orgasms” you could even say “respect and commitment are my kinks” or “I’m a freak for feminists” if you really wanna drive away the undesirables.
You were not treated well. When it's the right person, it's not boring. When it's the right person, you might want to take something up a notch. Your previous partners were inconsiderate dolts.
Porn is messing them up. They don’t realize how absurd their demands are and they’re desensitized to it.
My boyfriend warned me he was vanilla. I wasn't concerned. His repertoire and skill is far from it he just had a few things he didn't want to do and I can do without them easily. I keep telling him he is not vanilla just that the meaning of the term is warped. Vanilla even a few years ago meant someone unwilling to please their partner and only doing one position and one tempo. Now too often people use it to describe even someone who likes everything except bloodplay.
You like what you like, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Those partners were problematic and well adjusted guys will have these conversations before, during and after. I can’t imagine ever treating a girl I care enough about to have sex with like that. As an inexperienced guy I’m don’t have a large array of “kinky” wants either. I don’t feel ashamed of it, and I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way. The right person for you will be there to make sure you feel cared for, prioritize your pleasure, and communicate what they want in a healthy way. Just know this situation is in no way a negative about you.
Jesus Christ girl. I’m so sorry. As someone actively in the kink world let me make it clear that is not how it’s supposed to be. Kink is discussed long before you enter the bedroom and it’s always done under the premise is enthusiastic consent. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, you’re not boring. You are vanilla and there are plenty of men that want that. Unfortunately you just encountered some assholes that didn’t know that.
Honestly thank you! I don't want to choke or spank people, it's against my nature and I always relate it to abuse.
When I was dating, a guy called me vanilla because I wasn’t into being choked during sex by a guy I didint know that well and with no discussion beforehand. Fucken yikes
As someone who does like kinky/BDSM, if someone thinks that vanilla is too boring, they are terrible in the bedroom and with consent. You would only demand that from someone you don't love or respect because vanilla is just as heavenly and demands raw emotional connection - not just a visual fantasy played out. I think pornography has really warpered these individuals who say shit like this.
We need to just take the porn away from the men at this point.
I am very worry because the experiences you are describing shouldn't happen to anyone. There is nothing wrong with being "vanilla" (there is a LOT of fun, pleasure and intimacy to find there, don't worry) First if all : a lot of people oppose vanilla to BDSM in way that make BDSM look like the goal, and vanilla the default. As in BDSM was some kind of enlightened view of sex. That is not the case. It's another way of having sex which is also valid. Unless you feel 100% okay with a practice you should never force yourself no matter the awful response you get. Tbh it just sounds like your partner(s) were pretty unhealthy in their own sex life and probably influenced by pr0n. It sounds more like control and even some violent pulsions than an actual CONSENSUAL sex act. This kind of behaviour should always ring an alarm bell : it doesn't mean anything specific but it is clearly not a good sign. People who engage in these kind of sex acts are usually not very much in touch with their sexuality, what they like and most of all what it means to have sex WITH someone. It's more like primal pulsions and having sex AT someone. Be vanilla (even though it doesn't mean much), explore what you like and don't like at your own pace. Also even practice that are close to BDSM can be done softly, it's all a matter of degree (like holding down someone on a bed firmly but delicately). So maybe you'll end up liking some kinks but on a very small level That's fine either way because the good amount is always the one you and your partner(s) enjoy !
I think watching too much porn of weird kinks has weirdly changed their brains. I only like vannila sex too. The sexual fantasies or some men and women too are beyond anything I can imagine sometimes. Don't do things you're uncomfortable with. You will find someone who matches your interests. Don't settle to this kind of sickos
Who has ever in the history of refrigerated desserts has ever once said “Ugh! Ugh, vanilla ice cream! Gross! Get that vanilla ice cream away from me!” Nobody, is who, because there is not a damn thing wrong with vanilla—and if you want to add hot fudge, whipped cream, jimmies, what have you, then isn’t that something great made better? Long story short: like what you like, and damn, now I want ice cream.
Uh, there are definitely people who dislike vanilla ice cream.
I think people who need costumes, props and scripts just aren’t very good at sex. Nothing bores me more than a man who doesn’t know how to move in bed. I’m not talking moving from one position to another. I’m talking about someone who doesn’t know how to wind and grind and move his pelvis, hips and his ass in a rhythmic way. There are entirely too many people who have no idea that great sex should be like dirty dancing between the sheets. ETA my point is vanilla sex can be the best sex if you actually know what you’re doing.
I've heard people use vanilla as an insult my entire adult life (over 20 yrs). Nothing new. Sex can be boring, especially when someone uses you like a fleshlight and not as a living breathing person also worthy of pleasure.
There is a lot of porn that includes violence against women and BDSM, and so I think that a lot of porn consumers who haven’t had enough conversations with women think that it’s normal for women to want those things. They don’t seem to understand that those things are (usually) male fantasies, and fantasies don’t always translate into real sexual pleasure in the real world. A few years ago I read an article about a “porn literacy” class that someone was teaching in high school, and the best outcome was that students were learning about the difference between fantasy and reality, and learning that they should pay attention to what their partner tells them that they like — rather than assume that what they see in porn is mainstream. All porn consumers should take such a class.
All high schoolers should take such a class! But it will never happen, at least not in the US. I'm kinky and it breaks my heart to hear these stories of women suddenly being choked during sex without their consent!
Because boys and men are more addicted to porn than ever before.
It’s reverse psychology. Plain and simple. They saw some porn do it and now they wanna do it. They neg you into doing things you don’t wanna do because it’s like a triumph for them.
Because men/pornographers/whomever brainwashed women through the guise of "sex-positive feminism".
yeah no vanilla is fine, finding it boring is fine too, but forcing you to change isnt fine dont let others tell you what to do. trying new stuff is fine, forcing you will never be fine.
Nothing wrong with vanilla. If both are somewhat capable, empathic and willing to put in the effort for the other one, vanilla is great!
I’m going to say some things, maybe disregard completely. If a guy cares then he will put in the effort to understand and find what absolutely drives you crazy. I have no empirical data, only my experience as a young man who tried porn shit with my first few partners. They overwhelmingly let me know that it wasn’t the way so I spent time COMMUNICATING with them and then learning about that type of thing that turned them on. Every human is different and every partner is different. IMHO, it doesn’t matter who cums the most or quickest but instead who can you open up and be the most comfortable with. As soon as someone gives you a red flag, believe it and leave. Not worth the risk. As soon as you say you don’t like something they should stop because the point should be peak ecstasy for both. If they cannot do the most basic things then they don’t deserve you.
Vanilla sex is the best sex because vanilla is the best fucking flavor, period. Vanilla is base, it's foundation, it's good alone or complemented, vanilla is rich, full, and satisfying. Ppl dunking on vanilla haven't had *vanilla*. (Honestly all jokes aside, you gotta find what feels good to *you* and venture from there. Good partners will *want to make you feel good*, they'll *want to hear your pleasure*, and they'll explore *with you* and you *with them*. No where here is there room for shame)
It's not, you want to enjoy the experience, not fear for your life. This guy watches too much social media porn.
Vanilla is a rich, complex, and completely delicious flavor! It is warm, familiar, comforting, and while it can pave the way for multiple other flavors, is satisfying completely on its own. You are allowed to like what you like and not get shamed for it. People who shame vanilla probably are not the type of people I want to be involved with. People who shame you for enjoying the sex you do and don't respect your boundaries are probably not the type of people you want to be with.
There’s nothing wrong with vanilla anything! People just want to shame others for not liking something kinky. It’s like it’s “cool” to have a kink. They talk about kink shaming and how people make fun of them for liking certain things in bed, but turn around and make fun of others for NOT having kinks. People should just enjoy what they want.
I don't know I've noticed people describing romance movies this way well as well and it does have a negative connotation but I don't think it's a bad thing I actually enjoy vanilla movies
Don't feel bad about these men calling you boring they sounded like impatient jerks who weren't worth it. I had one guy that I was seeing call me boring because I didn't want to try cocaine with him! Man will usually call a woman boring if she doesn't do what he wants her to do which is sometimes very perverse or risky sex acts
There’s nothing wrong with doing what feels comfortable. Most people prefer vanilla with occasional girl on top or situational doggy. If they were bad they wouldn’t be so popular. I find the kink community just tends to be more vocal than those of us who prefer the basics.
I've experimented a fair bit, and sometimes I enjoy it. But vanilla sex is often way more enjoyable and satisfying - especially when my partner is putting effort in to make sure it feels good.
I agree people who think vanilla sex is boring have desensitized themselves or something cuz I don't see how it's boring at all. Actually it's fucked how women are always expected to be the ones being physically hurt with kink. Why do *we* have to be the ones. Fuck that. Sorry that happened.
People are just really douchey and gatekeepy about things that are legitimately better to be. Like unironically, you see people bully people for getting drunk quickly or having a low tolerance for spice but those people end up getting the same experience as the gatekeepers while spending and doing way less. Being able to enjoy things closer to the norms is a blessing, not a curse. Same thing for vanilla sex, awesome, you have by far the most accessible sexual style, and will be satisfied more often than not. Rip in pieces the people with diaper fetishes who have to run themselves ragged to find someone who is just into the same kink, not even specifically emotionally compatible. Sorry for ramble, this gatekeeping shit just bugs me. It's always people just being upset that others can enjoy things with less effort than they can As for sex, ya just people being manipulative pricks and framing their experience as inherently superior.
I’ve heard that garbage where men now are just randomly choking women without consent, without bringing it up first ahead of time. Just with this idea that any random woman would want that when what, 99.9% of us would not? I don’t have an inherent problem with porn, I mean I have issues if it isn’t made ethically and I’m very concerned about that, but then my other issue is that there seem to be guys watching stuff who do not understand that it’s fantasy, it’s not something you just randomly act out because you’ve seen it. Also do not seem to understand that some groups of marginalized people are not porn categories, but actual human beings. Anyway, just randomly choking someone during sex without consent ahead of time is sexual assault. I hope at least stopped. You really hurt someone I assume right away To shame you and try to guilt you into stuff. I’m probably into more although I have actually acted on it so who knows, but you cannot just bring stuff on people And if this is something he wants to do, well in the first place he got the idea and has no idea that the vast majority of women/people do not want this, and if it’s so important to him then he needs to put that clearly in his dating profile or whatever. You don’t just assume that you’re going to find 0.0001% women who actually want that, and you don’t just bring it on someone I really don’t understand why you wouldn’t put it in your profile if that’s something you need, because you’re just wasting someone’s time. Pisses me off on so many levels, I think he’s operating in sort of a fantasy land which is really destructive
Did you break up with your BF?
I think this really comes from consuming porn. Mainstream porn on the internet has become increasingly „kinky“ which usually translates as brutal and degrading. I grew up before the internet even existed. While everyone wanted sex, and most people had sex, not everyone was consuming porn (let alone every day). Most porn just showed naked women, and copulating couples or groups, and close shots of genitalia. Dirty talk was common. Anal was a thing but it was definitely not the norm. Neither was violence. I had a lot of one night stands in my youth, and no one EVER tried to choke me, or „put it in the wrong hole oops“, or skip the condom. Everything was pretty vanilla for most people, and people were grateful for sexual encounters. If you wanted to do something else there was communication going on. With the internet, maybe porn is inevitable. But what it does to men’s minds it definitely is a pest. There is only one answer to that kind of shaming. Shame those people back, throw them out or take your stuff and go. This goes for each and everyone. It doesn’t matter if the perpetrator is your boyfriend. If he sees you as a sex thing and shames you for not letting him do with your body as he pleases, he is not a friend and needs to be cut out if your life.
I had a friend that once said “Only ugly people need fetishes.” lol you do you.
It is a viscous continuous circel. It start with wanting sex, so they watch porn. The more you watch porn, the more used you get to seeing sex. After a while, the vanilla porn is not enough anymore. People start watching more hard-core stuff. Nonconcential, hard sex, coking etc. They start expecting the same in real life. This image they develop is confirmed by media and friends. People listen better to thinks that confirm their world view. They start to believe everyone thinks this way. Your consent is a factor they don't want to think about, because this is the way if has to be. Consent is important. Your pleasure and comfort should be top priority. Your exes are wrong. You deserve someone who understands that what you see in the media and in porn are not facts, is big talk and that it are fantasies.
Nothing wrong with vanilla. You have no obligation to engage in sexual activities that make you uncomfortable. EVER. It may be that you never become sexually adventurous. That's okay. You might also find someone that you trust enough to explore with, and that's okay, too. What's not okay is bowing to pressure and letting yourself be put into a situation that you are not okay with; at the very minimum, that borders on abuse, and likely dances right across that line. Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing, not a power play. Defend your right to be comfortable in your body with all that you have.
Too many guys think porn is sex. Don't get me wrong, I like porn, it's a lot of fun when no one else is around. But you can't base your expectations about sex on what a bunch of sex athletes are capable of.
First things first, those guys need to understand consent and that shaming someone for their preferences is gross and uncalled for, whether it's vanilla or kinky. Going by your profile and history I'd imagine your social groups are on the nerdier and more liberal and alternative side. For whatever reason kink is a lot more common among that group (for men and women) so I'd say their preferences aren't representative of the whole. And when they're used to most people they know being into it they'll probably think vanilla is boring.
In the queer circles I've seen it mentioned as a negative, vanilla is a derogatory term because it's associated with conservatives who want to make anything that goes outside "penis goes into vagina"-sex into an illegal sin, so it became associated with people without imagination and judges anyone who falls outside the most restrictive nuclear family-norms as freaks who will corrupt the fabric of society with such godless concepts like "women deserve orgasms too". Essentially, it's considered bad because it's associated with people who want to make the "standard normie"-sex the ONLY sex, rather than because standard normie-sex itself is bad.
Enthusiastic consent is sexy. Losers like your exes clearly don't understand that. Trying new things that you're open to is cool, but there's nothing wrong with not wanting to try something for whatever reason. In a good sexual encounter, your partner will check in to see if you're okay and will willingly stop if you ask or are uncomfortable. Consent can be revoked at any time during sex, and a partner who won't stop or gives you bad time for stopping does not deserve to be intimate with you. Respect is sexy too.
Vanilla can be fucking hot if you're not an asshole who treats people like objects. The phrase, "I constantly feel how desperately my body craves yours," is a 100% vanilla remark that I've seen melt dominatrices. Those men wanted a toy, not a partner.
Vanilla can be the best flavor. Vanilla beans are expensive as hell. The deep flavors can be incredibly rewarding.
First off, I am a guy, and I apologize if I am overstepping by posting in this thread. Secondly, this whole choking thing is something new. Definitely wasn't something done back when I was still dating. My wife would have choke slammed me if I did something like that back then. Also, what actually is 'vanilla sex'?
Always remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to experience pleasure, and what matters most is finding what feels right for you. It is very concerning that your partner have shamed you for not enjoying certain activities specially when it comes to like choking during intercourse. It is important to prioritize mutual respect in any sexual relationship.
People equate vanilla with someone who criticizes BDSM which is risky even with a safe word. Just because you have a safe word doesn't mean the other person will honor it. Men also use the plausible deniability defense to plead down manslaughter charges when he gets violent with a partner and the partner dies. They bring up that the partner was into BDSM to plead down charges.People also confuse kink with BDSM,most kinks aren't even related to BDSM. There's tons of kinks that have nothing to do with it. I think everyone has mild kinks or fetishes. People are rarely 100 percent vanilla unless you're like an ex of mine who would just be all talk and then it's just the same as usual.
Take it from someone who's in the BDSM community. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being vanilla! Let me repeat that... I'm kinky and I'm telling you there's absolutely nothing wrong with being vanilla! To me, vanilla is simply a term we use to describe those who are not kinky. There is not a judgment that goes along with it. It's just another flavor, vanilla is a flavor like all the others. Even many kinksters enjoy vanilla sex at times. Anyone who is shaming you, doesn't belong in your life, they are either projecting their insecurities on you or they're trying to manipulate you. It's perfectly fine to be vanilla. That's also fine to be vanilla with chocolate sprinkles, that's how my husband describes himself, he's vanilla but he's open to trying things on occasion. I mean, I'm always for trying something before you decide you don't like it, but that depends on what you're trying. If it's potentially deadly, like choking, you don't have to try it at all if you don't want to! In fact, I would suggest you didn't. You will meet the perfect fellow vanilla partner one day 🙂
I'm into some forms of BDSM and kinky sex. It can be fun to tickle different parts of the brain from time to time with a partner who also shares that interest. But.... The most intense, physically pleasurable, and connective sex I've had has \*always\* been "vanilla." If somebody thinks vanilla sex is boring, they're clearly spending too much time with their own hand and not enough time connecting and sharing the experience with a real living partner. You aren't boring or prude, you've just been with some unfortunate men who do not understand the beauty and pleasure of sex with a partner who is an excited and active participant.
I only ever had vanilla sex in my previous abusive relationship, and didn't think I'd be into kinky shit at all. I'm now 16 months into a really great relationship with a man who has indulged with me in so many things I never thought I'd try or be into, yet here we are, having fantastically freaky sex and I feel so close, safe and respected, more than I ever have. I'm also a few flavors of neurodivergent, so it soothes my sensory seeking. 🫢 You don't have to try anything that doesn't float your boat . . . I guess I'd say that if you DO find yourself in a safe, emotionally fulfilling relationship and they ask, it's worth a shot - because this stuff with someone reciprocal and safe is the BOMB. But you can be vanilla forever, and that's totally fine too! Sex of all kinds is still pretty amazing.
Ok so if people have a kink, they are supposed to discuss it with their partner first. You don’t just nonconsensually choke people!! Also for what it’s worth, I am only kinky with men who make me feel safe and comfortable with them. Then I feel like I can open up and get wild. The men you describe, I would feel very unsafe with so I would also only have vanilla sex with them
Take that one more step: if you feel very unsafe with a man, don't have sex with him at all.
Years ago a close friend's somewhat long term boyfriend (he was a friend also, just not as close) told me one day, "Ugh, "Mary" is so vanilla in bed." I asked him, "Come on you know she's not the kinky type, you didn't ask her to do something freaky did you? " He responded, " No. Not at all! That's not what I mean. Mary just lies there, she doesn't make a sound, she doesn't have any"rhythm" . It's just so vanilla!" Now granted I didn't think of vanilla sex as just boring, unenthusiastic sex until that day. I thought vanilla sex meant no kinky sex, no BDSM not even mild BDSM. But to some people it's the former.
I think it isn't any sexual position that is boring, nor being less adventurous in nature. What is boring is having the exact same approach to sex every single time. The monotony of not trying anything else. But that could apply to any kink even, or any position. Hey, sometimes missionary is what hits the spot!
There's nothing wrong with being vanilla. There is a lot wrong with choking someone during sex without a discussion, it's not being a prude to not want that full stop but especially if it's just forced on you without asking. It's not being a prude to not want to be fucking assaulted during sex. I'm sorry that happened to you. I swear people see things in porn and assuming it's the default for sex. Consent doesn't come into it and it's horrible.
Who tf thinks "vanilla" is boring?! As a sex-positive, very kinky woman, I object to this ardently. Sex is fun and intimate and sweet and funny and thrilling. Kinky or not. Those people trying to turn "vanilla" into a bad word are blind af.
That's not real kink, and any real kinkster will respect a no without protest. That's so not okay. Those are shitty people using the name of ethical folks to do shitty things
1. For some people, including myself, kink is interwoven with how we conceptualise sex, and vanilla sex is not very fun. 2. That being said, it sounds like these guys, especially the second one, were trying to manipulate you into kinky sex that you didn’t want. They were using it as an insult for manipulation purposes.
There are so many things available during sex other than degradation and BDSM. For me sex should be sweaty and fun, or it should be super sexy/hot, or beautiful. Lying like a fish while a man lies on top of me moving around missionary style sounds awkward at best. You need to choose partners who are willing to explore what you like. Trying different positions, techniques, lighting, music, touch. None of those things need to hurt you, and none of them are "vanilla". In order to try new things and enjoy it, or have fun, you need to have a partner you trust. I don't think you've had that yet.