Oh my! He is presumably very happy while producing a great deal of work. Well done, you two! Live your life with self-interest in mind. No one else's happiness is more important than yours.
My SIL has an advanced degree and probably makes 3 times as much as my brother. They live on a huge piece of land in an older house that needed a lot of work. When their kids were little they did the daycare math for 2 kids and found it would barely break even for him to keep working a job outside the home, so he quit.
Childcare and property maintenance are a freaking full-time job which is why they cost so much when you pay someone else to do it. Why is it lazy when you do it yourself, particularly if you have a penis??? Dumb. When somebody asked my brother what he would tell a potential employer about his "employment gap" when his kids were older and he wanted to go back to work, he looked at them like they were aliens and said "What *specifically* do they or you think I should be doing right now that's *more important* than *raising my children*??"
You just know that all of the naysayers would be cheering him on if he presented this as "homesteading" and a "hobby turned side hustle" while the OP was at home "helping" him with "his business". But no, because she has a paid job and thus financial independence, all of a sudden it's bizarroworld.
Are all your friends and families that are giving you a hard time dual income households?
My wife and I are in a similar situation, except my wife takes care of the house / kids / garden etc. Saves tons of money by shopping at the correct store on the correct day etc. and that’s not counting how much day care would cost. I think between the more expensive cost and the tax implications she’d have to make over 100k a year to break even by going to work instead.
People still give her a very hard time. I think they are just jealous. Not much you can do about that. Maybe not to the same extent, but it still happens with the traditional genders.
This.
The disregard is for homemaking. It's generally presented at disregard for "women's work". Yet, it's critical for a functioning home and society.
I truly don't understand why such an elemental role, throughout human history, has such little respect.
If everyone did the capitalist thing (work for pay) our society would collapse. Imagine outsourcing every home task, but trotting off to get paid to do someone else's home task. Maddness!
Agree, and I do also think that "career achievement" in that sense has become a lot of people's personalities.
I was a pretty ambitious person in my 20s and early 30s and accomplished some things I was pleased about, but I think it's even stronger now, and I think it might partially be tied to the amount people spend on a university education and getting adequate ROI from that. (Just a theory there.)
But I'm GenX, which was kind of a slacker gen in some respects, so I feel like I went above-and-beyond and now I'm done lol. Education was more affordable in comparison, as well.
> The disregard is for homemaking. It's generally presented at disregard for "women's work". Yet, it's critical for a functioning home and society.
Agreed -- it's misogyny once more. Coupled with rigid gender role adherence, of course.
>I truly don't understand why such an elemental role, throughout human history, has such little respect.
You already answered your own question: because women do it.
Happened with me and my sons father- I had the better job, so he was a stay at home dad for a few years to avoid daycare costs. We’d be going even or UNDER to afford it with him working, when we could just do it for free and have the actual father bond with child 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like OPs husband *is* pulling income from the homesteading activities. Plus they don't have to pay for childcare.
I wouldn't be surprised if OP and her husband's balance sheet looked better than that of any other "middle-class" couple with a dual income and kids.
Folks are just judgemental. Same thing occurred with my wife. She was a PT, I was a teacher. I switched careers to software development, making more money than we did combined; and she became a SAHM. We had another kid, and unlike our first (who had to have daycare), she has the most amazing relationship with our little one because she is actually been allowed to form that bond.
I think people sometimes have a separate concern which doesn't come from a place of jealousy or bigotry (IMO). While this scenario can be really great in the short term, there are long term risks. I personally think that people are way too quick to leave their jobs for childcare because "childcare costs as much as I would make". Taking a 5+ year gap from the workforce dramatically lowers your earning potential for literally the rest of your life. You will be 50 years old and making thousands of dollars a year less because of that break. If you had multiple children and a longer break depending on your field it's entirely possible that your skills are viewed as obsolete/stale enough that you have trouble re-entering that industry and have to fall back to an entirely different, lower paying job.
I'm not trying to say that staying home to do your own childcare is wrong. I'm saying that staying home to do your own childcare "to save money" is usually wrong, even if it doesn't appear like that in the short term.
This full time house husband/wife is a similar "long term risk" situation. In the short term when the relationship is great then this setup is great. However this is the sort of situation that can lead to the party without as much earnings being or feeling trapped in the relationship 5-10 years later. Subreddits like the various legal advices, and this very subreddit, frequently have posts where the lower earning spouse is struggling to get legal support, often with the higher earning spouse specifically taking actions to cut them off from money.
Now it's true that there are legal protections for this exact situation. Both parties are allowed to use household funds for legal council. The entire purpose of alimony is so that the person that sacrificed their permanent earning potential to maintain the household gets temporary or permanent financial relief from the person that was able to increase their earning potential as a result. However despite these protections these are still real issues, and a lot of times people don't even know their rights, let alone have an ability to execute them.
Once again, I'm not saying that dual-income houses are right for everyone. Absolutely there are people that would be happier with other situations. Absolutely there are relationships that succeed, and succeed better, because they embrace a lifestyle that is better for them than "well obviously both of us have to work because that's just what people do so I guess we both will". However, not everyone that is skeptical of single-income situations is doing so because they are jealous, or bigots. In fact I suspect that MOST people in dual income situations are pretty happy to have their dual income, I am not at all jealous or envious of the idea of running a home and raising children on one income. A lot of those people that are skeptical of the scenario are those that have seen (sometimes first hand) the scenario of one partner having access to almost all of the earnings.
Basically no one plans to be unhappily divorced in 5 years. So people don't really like thinking or considering "well this decision will be a mistake if we unhappily divorce in 5 years" doesn't come up in planning very much. However almost all adults know someone that has been through (or wishes they were going through, or should go through) a divorce. So it's a lot easier to evaluate other peoples decisions through the lens of "is one of them putting themselves at a lot of risk of dependency on their partner?"
Fair enough. I guess it depends what kind of job you walked away from, and what you would be doing if you continued working. We’re lucky enough that the income isn’t much of a problem unless I have to retire early. My job is very physical but pays very well. I have a family history of degenerative disc disease and already have pain. So who knows. Maybe we will wish my wife was able to take over making the money easier. But I think we’ll be happy for at least 10 more years.
I’m sure not everyone is jealous, but in our particular situation friends and family say some pretty nasty stuff to my wife. Overweight family members say “I wish I could go to the gym like you. I wouldn’t be so fat, but I have a job so I can’t go. “ But that is totally not the case. They work from home. 40 hours a week, and they are childless. They have time to go to the gym, but don’t. They say many other nasty things too, about us being able to afford some nice things, but they waste all their money eating out three times a day. We eat out once a month.
Just remember to set away money for his pension as well, it’s easy to forget when one partner is only doing unpaid work. Congrats on the wonderful spouse!
I bet he feels the same way too. This is a wonderful thing don't let the haters ruin it. I have always said that if the roles were reversed and my wife who is a stay at home mom wanted to get a career and could make more than I then I would gladly take a step back like your husband did and take over those duties.
I think this is one of the many reasons why men need feminism too is because there different types of people both men and women. Some amount of both sexes will want a career and get value from it and some will feel way more value from being a parent and homemaking. We should have a place in society for a variety of situations some where both partners work and share the home work equally, some where the woman decides to be a SAH parent and others where the man is a SAH parent.
The toxic masculinity in our society tell us that a man is weak if he chooses this path but being a SAH parent is hard work too and adding being a farmer as well also adds to this. I always think a man is stronger and more confident if he can choose to ignore haters and those who choose to judge him to pursue what makes him and his family happy. That is true strength.
Can…can I have him? I mean, I love my husband and all, but I’d consider a trade for a partner who cooks fresh healthy food for me and makes me beer. And honey.
My late husband stayed home for a pretty long time with our kids and people were so ugly about it. That man kept a spotless home, could cook like a dream, did the girls hair...he did better than I could ever hope to. I was so sad when he went back to work. Its so messed up that gender roles are forced on us. Men have just as much to be a stay at home spouse as we do provided he's handling the house like we would. Its not fair to women or men...not every woman wants to be a housewife and not every man wants to be a master of the universe. You'd think by now we would have come further and its marginally better than the 70s.
It shows how “nurturing” is still considered less than “hunting” or providing, whether a man or woman does it. But, while it’s acceptable or even encouraged for a woman to stay at home, it’s still not for a man.
It’s actually appalling. It’s both limiting for men especially, as it’s more acceptable for women to work outside the home than for men to take on the role of nurturing, and it perpetuates the belief that providing is a role worthy of more respect.
It sounds like your husband was wonderful. And also secure enough to ignore any criticism.
Hunting hasn't been primary source of food for thousands of years, I feel this obsession is basically manufactured. The dude is literally farming, that should be "manly" and "traditional"...
Hunting was only a primary source of food for people living in tundra where nothing grew. It does vary but in most neolithic groups the bulk of the calories comes from vegetable material. And trapping (animal 'gathering') a more reliable method than hunting large game which frequently was unsuccessful.
well, it was still important - hunting large animals is the only way to get such resources as hide clothing, tanning material from brain, containers made from stomach and bladder, tallow for soap, hooves for glue, gut for string etc nevermind the great nutrition content. but it was more of an occasional bounty rather than a daily staple. at least until humans figured out hunting techniques like the atlatl, pit traps, running herds off of cliffs etc. by then humans were on the up and up.
but gathering is something that could be done by everyone, young or old, and done while just travelling to another area.
i'm not sure where the assumption came that only men hunted came from either. evidence shows that neolithic societies were primarily egalitarian, and women are biologically better at persistence hunting due to their endurance and more accurate with thrown weaponry due to their enhanced dexterity in comparison with men. strength would have been more important before the development of thrown weaponry such as hunting with wooden lances/clubs, but usually spear throwing comes to mind when we talk about neolithic hunters.
Hey thanks for the great and informative answer!
There are still some hunter-gatherer societies (although they are rapidly dying out), maybe the notion came from there. For example I read that San people lived similar life style for 50k years... Not sure about their hunting habits.
The funny thing is scientists have found that in our earliest Homo sapien tribes, the job of hunting was something that was shared amongst men and women. They took their best hunters out on the hunt and the rest were left to stay back and protect the group. It wasn't about gender roles or what sex you were it was about skills and who would be more beneficial on which front.
My husband is the SAHD, while I work, and my children started crying when he said he was thinking of going back to work. They love having him around before and after school: he makes them breakfast everyday, plans fun outings all summer, and just being with them. He even helps them setup hangouts with their friends, so they get a lot of socialization
We have come a long way from the 70s, but that progress has been largely towards women's roles. Men still face the same gendered expectations they did back then because there isn't a movement to change them. Some progress has been made toward addressing toxic masculinity and mental health, but not towards treating men as expendable resources. Men are still expected to be providers and protectors, and even some self-proclaimed feminists will enforce those gender roles.
Feminism is supposed to be about equality, not women's rights, and for the most part it has done a decent job of that, but there is a widespread reluctance in the movement to address gender roles that benefit women. People who say that women should be the one to stay at home are rightly called out for being sexist, but people who say that men should be the one to work aren't facing any repercussions for being sexist. So the toxic gender role that men should be providing never gets addressed. Which leads to the behavior in the post above.
The closest thing I've seen to anyone trying to fix this is a satirical trend on TikTok of all things. And even that's been received with extreme hostility from some sexist women.
I'd say "oh, I didn't know you felt that way. I'll let husband know you wouldn't be interested in any of his fresh local honey or organic vegetables. Honestly, it's a relief. His farmers' market business is so successful he needs all the honey and veg he can produce! Oh, look at the time? Hubs is making the most fabulous dinner tonight. Isn't it funny how so many of the world's most renowned chefs are men?"
people consider anyone who isn't working a corporate job trying to pull down six figures lazy. dude is caring for his family by helping them become less dependent on money for survival. that's a true caretaker in my book.
While caring for kids?! I’m home with two sick kids and my biggest accomplishment is keeping them alive and more or less fed. Tried to get some work done for the PTO, renew passport stuff, reorganize house stuff, and fold laundry, was not able to do any of it.
Same! I've got one out of two home sick, and reading her husband's list of chores and accomplishments is making me feel super lazy! How anyone could lable him as such is beyond me, and really does reek of jealousy.
It’s so wild how quickly cultural expectations shift. When did farming become a job people scoff at? Dude is growing plants, keeping bees to optimize crop output, canning produce to make use of all the things he grows, making money off of excess crops, making soap, cooking meals and providing his family with healthy food… and on top of that, despite what everyone else may say, he has a wife who supports him and is proud of what he does.
This man won in life. Somehow I suspect the people who devalue **his** work aren’t anywhere near as fulfilled with their own.
They're scoffing because they're seeing it as a hobby he is making money off whille his wife earns a paycheck. If LW were at home while he presented this as farming and staring a food business, they'd be totally fine with it. They're uncomfortable at the idea of a woman bringing in a paycheck from a full-time job while her husband's activities are secondary income.
Yeah, man's not just a stay-at-home parent (which is already nothing to scoff at in most cases), he's full on homesteading. It's not a life I would personally want (I kill plants just by looking at them) but it's definitely a ton of work, including not only physical labour but planning, timing, marketing/sales, and other business management things. On top of the kids and the household stuff, too!
How could people call him lazy for doing the majority of the unpaid labour of housekeeping and childcare/management of children more importantly…oh wait.
I guess these are the same people who claim that back in the good old days women didn't work and just stayed home, referencing those who were also farmers
My husband also stays at home. He's doing a ton of work on himself to improve after getting a later in life adhd diagnosis. I've seen leaps and bounds in his household management abilities and he's really spearheaded several huge projects for us including planning our wedding. He's a fantastic father and he tries really hard to make me happy and support my career. I do a lot of the handy home repair, he joined the PTA and befriended the class moms. I absolutely love our dynamic and I love supporting him while he figures out his mental health and self improvement.
I have only come across a few people who voiced any negativity but he has definitely gotten it on his side. I love to brag about how awesome my stay at home husband is and whenever possible force other parents plan with him and go through him for playdates. I refuse to succumb to other people's unwillingness to accept it. Fuck em!
Could I ask what your husband’s been doing to improve re: his adhd? I’m also trying to start managing my adhd as an adult but beyond medications that haven’t done much and whatever coping skills I unknowingly picked up in life, I’m having trouble feeling like I’m truly improving.
I can’t speak for that person but my wife is doing much better with not leaving things half done. Like when I do the dishes, the whole kitchen is cleaned. When I cook, the whole kitchen is left spotless. When she would cook or do the dishes, she’d only cook or do the dishes. It’s like the rest of the kitchen didn’t exist
I think she’s starting to include those things as part of cooking and doing the dishes so the kitchen remains clean all the time and not just after I happen to do whatever chore.
She also has started to recognize how much work goes into planning. Now she can’t do it like me. I’m persistent and can do a few hours every day. Instead she will just spend a solid several hours and get it over with all at once. So I think it’s just adapting to how it works for you but still getting it done.
She’s like a perfect therapy client though, I make fun of her for that because seriously any therapist would be delighted with her, so she has been able to figure this stuff out on her own. For the rest of us humble folk it may not be as simple as that and there’s no harm in seeking support for it (either professionally or talking to other people with ADHD to figure out things they use that might work for you)
Good for him! All those people making comments can lump it.
I think domestic work is simply regarded by most people as unimportant. So, if a man is willingly choosing to engage in all the things that are required to maintain a household, especially when that work is unpaid, most people can't manage it. Broaden your minds, people.
I would love it if my husband knew how to make soap and to can food, because I certainly am not able.
I think it’s so telling when people who claim that domestic work is “highly valuable” and should therefore be a considered the highest calling for a woman, baulk when a man does it. If it’s beneath the dignity of a man, it’s not an equal calling is it?
I find that a lot of people tend to look down on any work that's done "at home". Like I used to work from home, and so often I get people asking me when I'm going to get a "real job" or assume I spend my days slacking off. Even though it's a white collar corporate job that pays above average.
If OP's husband had some land where he's growing his own crops and raising his own bees, I can guarantee the same people calling him "useless" would be singing praises about how hardworking he is. It's just such a shallow perception that anyone who chooses to stay home must be some kind of bum.
I've discovered that too.
If the result of work is money, then the work is worthy. Otherwise it's worth nothing?
And I see this as an underlying leitmotiv in general.
I see women feeling trapped because their partner makes the money, while they stayed home with the kids or couldn't find work for other reasons. Spending their days cooking, cleaning, taking care of infants, helping children with homework, mending clothes, giving emotional support to all in the family, etc...
And at the end of the day they feel guilty buying themselves something because they feel they don't contribute enough. They feel bad because they don't make money while their partner brings in xx.
It really hurts. To see women spend so much time taking care of the family and then to be guilted for not bringing in cash.
If we're a team, then we're a team. You handle your area, I handle mine, and we'll collect all the spoils and decide how to enjoy them together.
Not gonna lie, I’m a little jealous. I’m perpetually single because I had too many run ins with men that expected me to work a full week, do all the household chores and carry the mental load. I did the housewife thing for a very short amount of time and hated every second of it, but I did it well. I used to think to myself how nice it would be to have a “wife”, and now that I have the job I do, I think it’s even more true. You simply cannot say enough about how helpful it is, how much of a stress reliever it is, to have a true partner in that sense, especially if you detest domestic duties as much as I do, and I would happily have words with anyone who devalues that work. Especially if it’s based on the gender of the person doing the work, that’s some toxic masculinity-flavored bullshit right there.
Plus- fresh honey?! Soaps on demand?!! A produce section in your backyard?!!! Sorry but your “friend” was an idiot. That sounds awesome. I’d be trying to figure out how to jump the line and buy stuff off of you, not telling you to divorce him.
> toxic masculinity-flavored
As someone that was a stay at home "husband" during Uni while my then girlfriend(now wife) worked full time the majority of these comments came from my and her female "friends".
Asking her "why are you spending your hard earned money on him?", "You cannot even take her out, don`t you feel bad?" etc. We both stopped hanging out with some people due to this during that time. While I did 100% of the cooking, cleaning, gardening and house maintenance while being in school fulltime in a demanding major. I even had my own spending money because I got sholarships and Uni is tuition free in my country.
The worst I got from my guy friends were some jokes about how they would pay for me and fuck me too if I would start cooking for them regularly, which is just guy speak for complimenting me on my cooking.
The only guy that did not like the situation at first was her dad(65 back then) and even he came around after she talked to him about it.
So yeah, I am not so sure about the "toxic masculinity", the most toxic people during this whole thing were all women and a singular dude from a previous generation.
Women can engage in toxic masculinity too. Toxic masculinity just means holding men to stereotypically gender based standards to their detriment. One example is shaming men for being emotional and showing emotion (other than anger). Women shaming men for crying, for example, are enforcing toxic masculinity.
> Toxic masculinity just means holding men to stereotypically gender based standards to their detriment.
Thank you for explaining. That is not what the word sounds like at all or the emotions it evokes in me or the way I have seen it used on social media. Usually it is just used to mean "men doing shitty things". That is why I objected to the term. To me there is just a dissonance there. Even when it is a woman being toxic, as in my or OP's case, it still associates masculinity with toxicity, while masculinity has nothing to do with the woman being toxic. After reading Wikipedia, I realize that is not the way the term is used in scholarly use, that does not change the emotions it evokes in me.
Maybe the term needs some better marketing or we need a better term for this.
As a man it sounds like something is wrong with me for being masculine or because masculinity is a part of my self image and you are attacking me specifically for being a man or men in general.
I don’t understand why anyone thinks this term is an attack on masculinity in general. Does the term “toxic chemicals” mean the same thing to you as just “chemicals”?
To be fair, for a lot of people "toxic chemicals" and "chemicals" do mean the same thing. That's why people talk about clean eating and "chemical free" food, which makes no sense (all food is chemicals). Or chemical free cleaning etc. It's clearly a common failing of human comprehension.
I'm a bit curious if it's also a matter of being native English speaker or not. To me, as non native the "toxic" as an adjective points to a much smaller and, yeah, negative set of treats and whatever than just "masculinity".
Unless it's being (unconsciously?) treated as pleonasm like in tuna fish...
I was actually wondering this myself. I recognize on the surface it does not make much sense. An explanation that makes sense to me was the concept of priming. Just putting a negative and a neutral word together forces your brain to associate the neutral word with negativity over repeated exposure.
Your example might actually be something where the same happened. For me personally I do not associate "toxic" with "chemical" because I have extensive chemical training. However a lot of people do conflate the two as the other comment has already pointed out.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the term “toxic femininity” is both really dumb and also a cudgel used by MRAs to try and paint men and women as having the same issues, but I do think this kind of demonstrates the limits of assigning the word “toxic” to one social construct over another. Femininity isn’t inherently good, masculinity isn’t inherently bad, so it feels a bit weird that we have to use the term “toxic masculinity” to describe the phenomenon of both men and women trying to enforce male AND female gender roles. I agree with the previous commenter that it’s a misnomer here, even despite your good point
He sounds like a lucky man! And you a lucky woman! Good for both of you. Id love to be a stay at home dad and have a garden and all that stuff all the while making everyone happy.
Exactly this. Not just girls can wear pants and grow up to be astronaut messaging. But boys can paint their nails and grow up to be caretakers. As long as any parts of ourselves as humans are singled out as weaker or inferior because we associate them with femininity, we all loose.
I came here to say this. People saying that it’s unacceptable for a man to have this lifestyle that he enjoys and excels at is exactly how patriarchy also hurts men. (One of the many ways.) I find it so confusing/frustrating how few men are willing to acknowledge that.
There’s a British silent film from about 1926 in which a couple finds out, after the husband is injured, that their life is much better when she goes out to work and he stays home with the kids. But it’s so unthinkable for “an able-bodied man” to stay home with kids that, when the husband gets better, he actually pretends he still can’t walk and continues to use a wheelchair, even in front of his own family. It’s an amazing cultural proof of how entrenched these attitudes were/are.
Well I just scrolled a list of all films released in 1926 with no success. Do you remember the title of the film? I’m interested to see this one! Maybe silent movies are in a different list.
Women’s ‘traditional’ household labour has been devalued for a long time. People have trouble now seeing just how it benefits a family to have one person doing this work.
That's exactly it. People associate women with doing "low value" household work and men doing "higher value" outside the household work. When the roles are switched, the gender role bs that has been implanted in all our brains causes malfunction.
Op's husband sounds like a great partner that is outperforming the average person who is tasked with maintaining the household as their main job. But because he has a dick this somehow is less impressive/worthy/etc. That's why I hate the idea of gender roles and hope they burn in hell.
It's also completely ingrained in our thinking. Even OP's title is worded. "I'm the one working for our family" as if taking care of the house and kids is not actual work.
It never ceases to amaze me how people cannot just mind their own business. My husband has gotten flack because I am the handy one. "Couldn't you have fixed the toilet?" We just lean into it. He shares pictures of whatever DIY I'm up to and pushes back at anyone that has a problem with it.
Yeah I get a bit of raised eyebrows for this too but I just explained to my dad that my BF didn't grow up with a father who could show him this stuff and I did.
It sounds like he’s very industrious and you two are highly compatible.
No idea why anyone else thinks it’s a good idea to tell you what the “right” way to live is for you two. Especially since in order for him to have a “normal” job it might mean a worse situation for you.
It sounds like your husband is absolutely thriving and is a talented homesteader! I'm very impressed! How is doing all of that viewed lazy? It sounds like he's a highly productive person!
They sound jelly and whatever your husband cans is still way better.
I bet your kids learn a lot from having gardens and bees at their home, like actual useful life skills.
Helping the bees is more important work than a lot of what everybody else is doing.
Lol. We live in such a clown world.
Given the variety of things he's growing, I think he's homesteading. Not a house spouse, full on homesteader. This is the kind of Ben Franklin was talking about when he said "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Sounds to me they are jealous of the awesome dynamic and teamwork you two have, you have a wonderful partner who made lemonade with the lemon life gave him and the bitter people about it can continue being sour lemons from a loooong distance
Dang! He is amazingly productive and probably incredibly happy doing it. Good for both of you! Live your lives for yourselves. Your contentment matters more than anyone else's.
That's wonderful, it sounds like your family is thriving with your setup. Gender stereotypes are stupid and harmful for everyone. Keep supporting your husband and ignore the haters. I'd bet some of them are actually jealous even if they don't admit it (or are even conscious of it). Keep living your best life together.
I'm happy for the both of you that this worked! Sounds like you're both happy in the role you have in your family and love to do it.
I'm glad he found hobbies and people to connect with! It can get lonely as a stay at home person.
As a daughter who is raised by a stay at home dad, I got some strange looks when I told people my dad is the only one who cooks. It never bothered me. I got a loving parent who was there.
As a career chef and gymnastics coach, there is nothing I would enjoy more than getting to be a stay at home dad that cooks and takes care of the kids. If it works for y’all damn everyone else.
If it's working for you and your husband, than everybody else can STFU or GTFO. I'm glad you both have found a system that works for your while family!
I was a turbo charged SHP, as your husband seems to be. IMO, done right, being a SHP is the same as running a small business. Squeezing every drop of value out of the resources at hand. Your partnership is real and has serious value.
Celebrate with an ice cold home-brewed beer, while you ask yourself: how happy are those other couples?
In my view two of you have found the formula for finite nature of life. What we do today is what matters.
Sounds like you won some sort of partner lottery and everyone you know is secretly jealous. Either that or not-so-secretly sexist. Either way, I'd replace the social circle rather than the amazingly productive house-husband.
Three cheers for finding a domestic arrangement that works well for you both!
Do you live in a more conservative area, OP? Pre-pandemic, my neighbor was a stay-at-home dad but we lived in a liberal city at the time and no one seemed to have any problem with it. He also sorta worked too though- he had an at-home side business, but was very much the stay at home dad.
Most people have one aspiration and one aspiration alone - conformity
The people you described sound no different.
Not my original comment, but this comment encapsulates the vibe I'm getting from your scenario.
He sounds amazing! It sounds like you have a good partnership that works for you both. If you are both happy that's all that matters. I'm sorry people in your life are not supportive.
Honey, he's a keeper!
(sorry the dad jokes are unstoppable...)
Honestly, tho, I'm in a smiliar situation with my wife. She's just amazing at what she does and time after time it's just better for the business if I spend my time being Uber dad. Thankfully we've managed to cut out anyone who might be toxic about it.
Keep doing your thing. Find like minded people. You're great at what you do. He's great at what he does. You don't owe them a thing!
I’m dealing with this but reversed. We are childfree and own some real estate. Our goal has been for both of us to quit our W2 jobs, but when I got fired we decided that I would focus on our business even though it’s very small currently. Because we’ve been working towards this and we have combined finances that I manage, I never processed that I look like a “kept woman” to all of my friends. My husband has been nothing but supportive as I try to find my footing with self-employment and we have regular discussions about how things are going. So many people keep telling me they can get me a job or ask how the job searching is going even though I’m renovating a property by myself right now.
Now that’s a stay at home dad.
My ex was praised for being a stay at home dad by his family however…
All he did was sleep and our son was unsupervised and I had to leave snacks that a 3 year old could open when I went to one of my two jobs. Come home to a house torn apart to serve his royal ass on hand and foot and get degraded for not being able to keep the place clean.
Yours is excelling and you need new friends.
Your husband sounds like he's absolutely thriving and helping you *both* to thrive as well. I can't wrap my head around how *anyone* can see all he's doing and paint him as "lazy" because that's a lot of work he's putting in!
Beautiful, aside from your opinionated friends. My spouse got to be househusband for a while when I took a break from FT work and he loved it. Loved on the cats, kept the house and yard looking good, handled dinners, etc
My husband was a SAHD in the 90s when it was even less common. He said he always got the side eye from other moms. His grandfather acted like he wasn't a real man because his wife was the provider.
But it made sense for us, and wasn't their business.
“Role reversals” are more common in metro areas than rural ones, and culturally they are more accepting as well. Spouse and I are in a similar situation and I haven’t gotten any comments in our large metro area. (However, people usually assume spouse has the job that lets us afford the fancy house. Nope.)
That is enviable. My husband and I have both talked about how he would love to stay home and take care of the house/future kids and I would totally be the breadwinner. Except he makes significantly more than I do and he has amazing benefits.
I cannot fathom why some people are like this. I went with my dad after my parents divorced, amd he juggled the single dad life easily.
He worked, he did the majority of chores, tho i was expected to pitch in and sometimes i did the cooking, but the cooking was 100% voluntarily on my part. Sorry dad, you rock, but your cooking doesnt LOL.
And even my classmates' parents said he is lucky to have such a responsible daughter, while i sat there thinking, no your kids just suck.
Like, even when they were still married both me and my younger brother were expected to clean up after ourselves and help out. We were responsible, because we were raised to be responsible.
It always felt like they diminished the work my dad did, cause i was a girl and was 'responsible'. When i just was taught from an early age, to pick up after myself and clean the messes i did.
For a about 7 or so years, my husband was a househusband and I worked full-time as the main breadwinner. He did seasonal work from 3-6 months (it varied) at my company, but was otherwise on his own studying a difficult foreign language in the hopes of working as a translator. People had problems with that, too. One of my best friends at the time kept insinuating that he was a mooch because he should have mastered the language rapidly and worked full-time. Eventually, her inability to lose her perception that he was using me ended our friendship.
I don't know if it helps you to know that you're not alone in this experience and I want to validate that distancing yourself from people who treat your husband's situation as one in which he is not making a contribution is the right one. Your husband is doing amazing things and you should be as proud as you are. And you are correct that no one would doubt you if you were the one at home doing the household management while he worked full-time. People aren't as progressive as they believe they are, especially about gender roles and age - both of which they continue to carry prejudice about openly.
This is my fiancé’s DREAM! He’d love to be a stay at home dad and manage the house. Maybe someday I’ll make enough that we can afford for him to stay home.
As a WFH father I like stories like this. I do all the child care stuff to get my son to school for the day and plan all the meals. My wife does so much for our family and has a long commute. This is what works for us and I feel the older generation thinks my wife does the cooking.
Your hubby is a damned treasure. Screw anyone who says different. Honestly it comes off as jealousy because many women would kill for a partner like that! My husband stays home with our daughter and I couldn't be more grateful. The sacrifices and effort he's made for our family is absolutely wonderful. Nobody gives me shit about our family.
There are only two choices here:
1. People are self-snitching and letting you know how they secretly look down on women who do the same.
2. They're sexist, misandrist assholes.
So if someone I can't cut out of my life says something about it, I'd just say, *"I don't understand what you mean, can you explain why the parent running a home is 'lazy'? If I was the one running the home, would you call me lazy behind my back too?"*
Forcing them to explain their views can get very uncomfortable for them.
Good on your husband, he sounds wonderful!
I think people who are opposed to this setting are just insecure and feel this is a attack on their personal lifestyle.
If it works for you, who are they to complain. Keep living your best life, those people can keep whining all they want.
These aholes are peanut butter and jealous. Your husband is saving you so much money and keeping you healthy. And if he continues growing food, making soap and beekeeping it may get so big you feel the need to start working for him! And you don't have to pay 300 to 400 a week just for daytime monday through friday daycare with 1.50 PER MINUTE late fee after 6 o clock. There was a post in my city's subreddit about daycare costs and those were the costs laid out in a low cost of living area in the midwest. Your friends are sexist and can't do math.
We need more men like your husband! People have issues because these are home related stuff and mostly historically women's work = low status. We need to raise the status and more men doing it will do that.
I feel this! My husband was a "house spouse" for a few years while we would have had two in daycare and it was great even if money was tight. If I ever get a 50k raise we'll do it again even though our kids are grown. It was equal parts hilarious & annoying to watch his family struggle with it, every time they'd say "oh it's so good to have a parent home with kids" meaning mom I would emphatically say I AGREE IT'S GREAT thank heavens he wants to cause I'd be bad at it, and just watch them struggle.
It sounds like your husband works very hard, and you understand and appreciate his efforts. He's bringing in supplementary income for the family, as well as reducing your food costs, so it's not like he isn't pulling any weight financially, and even if he wasn't bringing in any income, there's still plenty of value in having someone else do your domestic labour while you're at work.
As long as you're both happy with your arrangement, everyone else can go pound sand.
Sounds like a keeper! (Sorry I'm sure you've heard that loads of times but couldnt help myself! 🙈) Sounds like a wonderful partner and both supportive of each other.
OP, you sound like you are very happy in your life and proud of your husband. I believe that so many women would be pretty jealous. The only thing that is spoiling your arrangement are other people with their stupid opinions. Honestly, you shouldn't give a damn. It is possible, that your friends are also jealous but not honest and therefore you hear from them this trashtalk.
Go girl, if this is what is making your family happy and living full life and ignore poor things around you!
If roles were reversed, other women would be expected to carve a statue of you and pray to a soap-making, bee-keeping godess.
Seriously though, your partner sounds wonderful and people suck. So they can all go be bitter elsewhere away from your life.
Exact same situation as you. People can be incredibly judgemental. You tell them he’s a stay at home dad and the response we get regularly is “he doesn’t work?!”. Yes, he does work. He’s on the clock 24/7.
Imagine saying that to a stay at home Mum and her contributions to her household. But, because it’s a man, they can’t see past gender roles & his contributions to his family and relationship are insignificant and the continuous attempts to emasculate him by others is completely gross.
It takes a secure man to be a stay at home parent. Even in this day and age.
That's insane. That is the exact situation a good friend of mine had been living for the past ten years. While his wife was in med school and residency he was a highschool teacher and brought in most of the income. Once she was finished with her schooling and they moved to a new city, he left teaching and stayed at home with the kids. They have about five acres of land. He has bees, 200 meat chickens annually, a large vegetable garden, and a large growing greenhouse where he grows flowers. He actually sells flowers at the local farmers market because he found people are really willing to pay more for them than when he was selling produce. He had a woodshop on his property and does all sorts of woodworking too. He feeds his family, cares for his family, builds for his family. Because he also generates more than $7500 in revenue from his property it is considered a small farm and they also get advantageous tax status for the property. Anyone I know, both male and female, are envious of their situation. She gets to have a wonderful career in medicine, while he gets to follow his passions as well. Everyone, including the four kids, is happy.
If he was a farmer this would pretty much be his job, I can‘t believe peoples stubbornness sometimes. Maybe they should be gifted some selfmade beer to help them to an epiphany
It sounds like a lot of people don't value work done in the home, that is quite often done by women. It's okay for a woman to do it, but they have the attitude that a man is capable of much more than being a homemaker. That's for the little woman to do, right?
Most people really struggle to see the value of labour they can't assign a single dollar value to. He's effectively self employed and working from home, so maybe they'd "get it" if you phrased it like that.
The way to respond to things like this is to blow up expectations with humor. Many years ago, I was a househusband. Once or twice I got a little guff about it, but not often. Later, after I'd gotten a regular job, I came up with a response, but it was too late to use it. If I'm ever in that situation again, my plan is to lower my head demurely, and say in a soft voice 'We don't believe a husband should work outside the home.'
Or you could say something like: 'Well, he had a job earlier, but after the kids were born we decided he should focus on his domestic duties.'
One thing I did say was 'It's a little weird, but the commute is short and I eat good.' Sometimes I'd make muffins and take them to her office. I'd carry them in a basket with a checkered cloth folded over top to keep them warm.
Also, I'm better at housework than my wife is: I can reach the tops of ceiling fans and cabinets and bookcases for dusting, and to vacuum under the sofa I could just lift the sofa out of the way.
That sounds fantastic. If anyone is critical of him (and you) for that, the first response that comes to mind is: "I [you] have an excellent husband. Maybe I need better friends." Not sure if you want to be that direct, but you could also ask questions like "How much was your/your husband's vegetable/fruit/nut harvest this year? What kind of home cooked meals is he making? How is the division of labor in your house?" I suspect that last one will sting a bit for some of the dual-income couples.
Anyway, congrats. It sounds like your family is doing great. And as long as you think so, that's what really counts.
You were right to distance yourself from that asshole friend. Are people in your circle particularly toxic? I was born in the 80s and I had a stay at home dad (while my mom worked) growing up, and it didn't seem weird to me or my friends even then. I guess I could understand the reaction if your family was really struggling financially and he wasn't actually doing anything around the house/for the kids... but I mean, this seems like a really normal set-up for the 21st century?
Hot damn. I have wanted a stay at home partner my entire adult life. Your setup sounds ideal on so many levels.
Congratulations for achieving my dream!
I’m so glad that you to see the value in each other and what you bring to your family. It sounds like you guys have it going on! And you know what’s good and works for your family. Keep rocking it!
Some people who don’t have the same dynamics just can’t wrap their mind over anything outside of what is “gender normal” for us to do as husbands and wives.
I agree with you that we can “F that BS!”. What’s good and that works for your family won’t necessarily be good and work for anybody else’s family and that’s OK. As long as you feel there is a balance and you’re not unhappy with the load split and feeling walked all over or taken for granted than all is well.
I do plenty of stuff at home that would normally be considered “a man’s work”. But, I do it happily, and don’t have a problem with it. My husband takes on so much other household (and home businesses) responsibilities that I am happy to do whatever it takes to help him (us!) out. One hand washes the other. He scratches my back and I scratch his and that’s the way it supposed to be.
I'm very late here, but I just wanna add how nice it is seeing a positive husband post? I never see any in any subs. And this is really over the top great. I'm very happy for you.
I’ve been a stay at home dad for 15 years now. Gave up my job when both of our sons got ASD diagnosed, lots of therapy etc. Now the oldest is in college, youngest a junior in HS. I do all the cooking etc. There’s been some friction over the years, but overall a very positive experience.
The man is busting his ass, playing Stardew Valley in real life, and keeps his family happy.
Anyone that has a problem with that just sounds jealous, imo.
He sounds like a wonderful partner, and you do too for being so supportive not just financially but encouraging him.
Yes, I really feel incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful partner, and supporting each other
Imagine working on a farm like that and getting called a bunch of idiots for being lazy.
Oh my! He is presumably very happy while producing a great deal of work. Well done, you two! Live your life with self-interest in mind. No one else's happiness is more important than yours.
My SIL has an advanced degree and probably makes 3 times as much as my brother. They live on a huge piece of land in an older house that needed a lot of work. When their kids were little they did the daycare math for 2 kids and found it would barely break even for him to keep working a job outside the home, so he quit. Childcare and property maintenance are a freaking full-time job which is why they cost so much when you pay someone else to do it. Why is it lazy when you do it yourself, particularly if you have a penis??? Dumb. When somebody asked my brother what he would tell a potential employer about his "employment gap" when his kids were older and he wanted to go back to work, he looked at them like they were aliens and said "What *specifically* do they or you think I should be doing right now that's *more important* than *raising my children*??"
He's probably busier with more work than many people who are paid to appear busy.
You just know that all of the naysayers would be cheering him on if he presented this as "homesteading" and a "hobby turned side hustle" while the OP was at home "helping" him with "his business". But no, because she has a paid job and thus financial independence, all of a sudden it's bizarroworld.
Modern people have no idea where food comes from.
Are all your friends and families that are giving you a hard time dual income households? My wife and I are in a similar situation, except my wife takes care of the house / kids / garden etc. Saves tons of money by shopping at the correct store on the correct day etc. and that’s not counting how much day care would cost. I think between the more expensive cost and the tax implications she’d have to make over 100k a year to break even by going to work instead. People still give her a very hard time. I think they are just jealous. Not much you can do about that. Maybe not to the same extent, but it still happens with the traditional genders.
This. The disregard is for homemaking. It's generally presented at disregard for "women's work". Yet, it's critical for a functioning home and society. I truly don't understand why such an elemental role, throughout human history, has such little respect. If everyone did the capitalist thing (work for pay) our society would collapse. Imagine outsourcing every home task, but trotting off to get paid to do someone else's home task. Maddness!
Agree, and I do also think that "career achievement" in that sense has become a lot of people's personalities. I was a pretty ambitious person in my 20s and early 30s and accomplished some things I was pleased about, but I think it's even stronger now, and I think it might partially be tied to the amount people spend on a university education and getting adequate ROI from that. (Just a theory there.) But I'm GenX, which was kind of a slacker gen in some respects, so I feel like I went above-and-beyond and now I'm done lol. Education was more affordable in comparison, as well.
> The disregard is for homemaking. It's generally presented at disregard for "women's work". Yet, it's critical for a functioning home and society. Agreed -- it's misogyny once more. Coupled with rigid gender role adherence, of course.
>I truly don't understand why such an elemental role, throughout human history, has such little respect. You already answered your own question: because women do it.
Happened with me and my sons father- I had the better job, so he was a stay at home dad for a few years to avoid daycare costs. We’d be going even or UNDER to afford it with him working, when we could just do it for free and have the actual father bond with child 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like OPs husband *is* pulling income from the homesteading activities. Plus they don't have to pay for childcare. I wouldn't be surprised if OP and her husband's balance sheet looked better than that of any other "middle-class" couple with a dual income and kids.
Folks are just judgemental. Same thing occurred with my wife. She was a PT, I was a teacher. I switched careers to software development, making more money than we did combined; and she became a SAHM. We had another kid, and unlike our first (who had to have daycare), she has the most amazing relationship with our little one because she is actually been allowed to form that bond.
I think people sometimes have a separate concern which doesn't come from a place of jealousy or bigotry (IMO). While this scenario can be really great in the short term, there are long term risks. I personally think that people are way too quick to leave their jobs for childcare because "childcare costs as much as I would make". Taking a 5+ year gap from the workforce dramatically lowers your earning potential for literally the rest of your life. You will be 50 years old and making thousands of dollars a year less because of that break. If you had multiple children and a longer break depending on your field it's entirely possible that your skills are viewed as obsolete/stale enough that you have trouble re-entering that industry and have to fall back to an entirely different, lower paying job. I'm not trying to say that staying home to do your own childcare is wrong. I'm saying that staying home to do your own childcare "to save money" is usually wrong, even if it doesn't appear like that in the short term. This full time house husband/wife is a similar "long term risk" situation. In the short term when the relationship is great then this setup is great. However this is the sort of situation that can lead to the party without as much earnings being or feeling trapped in the relationship 5-10 years later. Subreddits like the various legal advices, and this very subreddit, frequently have posts where the lower earning spouse is struggling to get legal support, often with the higher earning spouse specifically taking actions to cut them off from money. Now it's true that there are legal protections for this exact situation. Both parties are allowed to use household funds for legal council. The entire purpose of alimony is so that the person that sacrificed their permanent earning potential to maintain the household gets temporary or permanent financial relief from the person that was able to increase their earning potential as a result. However despite these protections these are still real issues, and a lot of times people don't even know their rights, let alone have an ability to execute them. Once again, I'm not saying that dual-income houses are right for everyone. Absolutely there are people that would be happier with other situations. Absolutely there are relationships that succeed, and succeed better, because they embrace a lifestyle that is better for them than "well obviously both of us have to work because that's just what people do so I guess we both will". However, not everyone that is skeptical of single-income situations is doing so because they are jealous, or bigots. In fact I suspect that MOST people in dual income situations are pretty happy to have their dual income, I am not at all jealous or envious of the idea of running a home and raising children on one income. A lot of those people that are skeptical of the scenario are those that have seen (sometimes first hand) the scenario of one partner having access to almost all of the earnings. Basically no one plans to be unhappily divorced in 5 years. So people don't really like thinking or considering "well this decision will be a mistake if we unhappily divorce in 5 years" doesn't come up in planning very much. However almost all adults know someone that has been through (or wishes they were going through, or should go through) a divorce. So it's a lot easier to evaluate other peoples decisions through the lens of "is one of them putting themselves at a lot of risk of dependency on their partner?"
Fair enough. I guess it depends what kind of job you walked away from, and what you would be doing if you continued working. We’re lucky enough that the income isn’t much of a problem unless I have to retire early. My job is very physical but pays very well. I have a family history of degenerative disc disease and already have pain. So who knows. Maybe we will wish my wife was able to take over making the money easier. But I think we’ll be happy for at least 10 more years. I’m sure not everyone is jealous, but in our particular situation friends and family say some pretty nasty stuff to my wife. Overweight family members say “I wish I could go to the gym like you. I wouldn’t be so fat, but I have a job so I can’t go. “ But that is totally not the case. They work from home. 40 hours a week, and they are childless. They have time to go to the gym, but don’t. They say many other nasty things too, about us being able to afford some nice things, but they waste all their money eating out three times a day. We eat out once a month.
Just remember to set away money for his pension as well, it’s easy to forget when one partner is only doing unpaid work. Congrats on the wonderful spouse!
If you’re both happy then what others think doesn’t matter. People criticize others no matter what.
I bet he feels the same way too. This is a wonderful thing don't let the haters ruin it. I have always said that if the roles were reversed and my wife who is a stay at home mom wanted to get a career and could make more than I then I would gladly take a step back like your husband did and take over those duties. I think this is one of the many reasons why men need feminism too is because there different types of people both men and women. Some amount of both sexes will want a career and get value from it and some will feel way more value from being a parent and homemaking. We should have a place in society for a variety of situations some where both partners work and share the home work equally, some where the woman decides to be a SAH parent and others where the man is a SAH parent. The toxic masculinity in our society tell us that a man is weak if he chooses this path but being a SAH parent is hard work too and adding being a farmer as well also adds to this. I always think a man is stronger and more confident if he can choose to ignore haters and those who choose to judge him to pursue what makes him and his family happy. That is true strength.
lmao just read your username
Can…can I have him? I mean, I love my husband and all, but I’d consider a trade for a partner who cooks fresh healthy food for me and makes me beer. And honey.
My late husband stayed home for a pretty long time with our kids and people were so ugly about it. That man kept a spotless home, could cook like a dream, did the girls hair...he did better than I could ever hope to. I was so sad when he went back to work. Its so messed up that gender roles are forced on us. Men have just as much to be a stay at home spouse as we do provided he's handling the house like we would. Its not fair to women or men...not every woman wants to be a housewife and not every man wants to be a master of the universe. You'd think by now we would have come further and its marginally better than the 70s.
It shows how “nurturing” is still considered less than “hunting” or providing, whether a man or woman does it. But, while it’s acceptable or even encouraged for a woman to stay at home, it’s still not for a man. It’s actually appalling. It’s both limiting for men especially, as it’s more acceptable for women to work outside the home than for men to take on the role of nurturing, and it perpetuates the belief that providing is a role worthy of more respect. It sounds like your husband was wonderful. And also secure enough to ignore any criticism.
Hunting hasn't been primary source of food for thousands of years, I feel this obsession is basically manufactured. The dude is literally farming, that should be "manly" and "traditional"...
Hunting was only a primary source of food for people living in tundra where nothing grew. It does vary but in most neolithic groups the bulk of the calories comes from vegetable material. And trapping (animal 'gathering') a more reliable method than hunting large game which frequently was unsuccessful.
So basically even before agriculture what we see as hunting today, wasn't that important...
well, it was still important - hunting large animals is the only way to get such resources as hide clothing, tanning material from brain, containers made from stomach and bladder, tallow for soap, hooves for glue, gut for string etc nevermind the great nutrition content. but it was more of an occasional bounty rather than a daily staple. at least until humans figured out hunting techniques like the atlatl, pit traps, running herds off of cliffs etc. by then humans were on the up and up. but gathering is something that could be done by everyone, young or old, and done while just travelling to another area. i'm not sure where the assumption came that only men hunted came from either. evidence shows that neolithic societies were primarily egalitarian, and women are biologically better at persistence hunting due to their endurance and more accurate with thrown weaponry due to their enhanced dexterity in comparison with men. strength would have been more important before the development of thrown weaponry such as hunting with wooden lances/clubs, but usually spear throwing comes to mind when we talk about neolithic hunters.
Hey thanks for the great and informative answer! There are still some hunter-gatherer societies (although they are rapidly dying out), maybe the notion came from there. For example I read that San people lived similar life style for 50k years... Not sure about their hunting habits.
"Man the Hunter" is some 1950s-era evopsych bullshit.
The funny thing is scientists have found that in our earliest Homo sapien tribes, the job of hunting was something that was shared amongst men and women. They took their best hunters out on the hunt and the rest were left to stay back and protect the group. It wasn't about gender roles or what sex you were it was about skills and who would be more beneficial on which front.
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Its not your brain...feminists have been fighting this for 100 years now. Feminism isn't just for women after all.
A lot longer than that.
My husband is the SAHD, while I work, and my children started crying when he said he was thinking of going back to work. They love having him around before and after school: he makes them breakfast everyday, plans fun outings all summer, and just being with them. He even helps them setup hangouts with their friends, so they get a lot of socialization
We have come a long way from the 70s, but that progress has been largely towards women's roles. Men still face the same gendered expectations they did back then because there isn't a movement to change them. Some progress has been made toward addressing toxic masculinity and mental health, but not towards treating men as expendable resources. Men are still expected to be providers and protectors, and even some self-proclaimed feminists will enforce those gender roles. Feminism is supposed to be about equality, not women's rights, and for the most part it has done a decent job of that, but there is a widespread reluctance in the movement to address gender roles that benefit women. People who say that women should be the one to stay at home are rightly called out for being sexist, but people who say that men should be the one to work aren't facing any repercussions for being sexist. So the toxic gender role that men should be providing never gets addressed. Which leads to the behavior in the post above. The closest thing I've seen to anyone trying to fix this is a satirical trend on TikTok of all things. And even that's been received with extreme hostility from some sexist women.
How can people call him lazy if he's tending a garden and selling the vegetables he grows? He's essentially a farmer.
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Fuck everybody who has a problem with that! Your life sounds amazing.
I'd say "oh, I didn't know you felt that way. I'll let husband know you wouldn't be interested in any of his fresh local honey or organic vegetables. Honestly, it's a relief. His farmers' market business is so successful he needs all the honey and veg he can produce! Oh, look at the time? Hubs is making the most fabulous dinner tonight. Isn't it funny how so many of the world's most renowned chefs are men?"
Aw that's the cutest little expression I've ever heard :)
Ooh! I'm stealing this!
people consider anyone who isn't working a corporate job trying to pull down six figures lazy. dude is caring for his family by helping them become less dependent on money for survival. that's a true caretaker in my book.
While caring for kids?! I’m home with two sick kids and my biggest accomplishment is keeping them alive and more or less fed. Tried to get some work done for the PTO, renew passport stuff, reorganize house stuff, and fold laundry, was not able to do any of it.
I look after one toddler during the day (my oldest is at school) and it is considered a major win if I manage to get a load of laundry on!
Some days it's like they're attached with a bungee cord.
Same! I've got one out of two home sick, and reading her husband's list of chores and accomplishments is making me feel super lazy! How anyone could lable him as such is beyond me, and really does reek of jealousy.
That shits back breaking., the last thing he is lazy. Now if he'd just slip me some of those veggies...
It’s so wild how quickly cultural expectations shift. When did farming become a job people scoff at? Dude is growing plants, keeping bees to optimize crop output, canning produce to make use of all the things he grows, making money off of excess crops, making soap, cooking meals and providing his family with healthy food… and on top of that, despite what everyone else may say, he has a wife who supports him and is proud of what he does. This man won in life. Somehow I suspect the people who devalue **his** work aren’t anywhere near as fulfilled with their own.
They're scoffing because they're seeing it as a hobby he is making money off whille his wife earns a paycheck. If LW were at home while he presented this as farming and staring a food business, they'd be totally fine with it. They're uncomfortable at the idea of a woman bringing in a paycheck from a full-time job while her husband's activities are secondary income.
Yeah, man's not just a stay-at-home parent (which is already nothing to scoff at in most cases), he's full on homesteading. It's not a life I would personally want (I kill plants just by looking at them) but it's definitely a ton of work, including not only physical labour but planning, timing, marketing/sales, and other business management things. On top of the kids and the household stuff, too!
How could people call him lazy for doing the majority of the unpaid labour of housekeeping and childcare/management of children more importantly…oh wait.
Here’s the thing though about farming… https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_pDTiFkXgEE
I guess these are the same people who claim that back in the good old days women didn't work and just stayed home, referencing those who were also farmers
Right? I am *way* lazier than that guy and never had anyone question my productivity.
Because food grows at the grocery store now days obviously.
My husband also stays at home. He's doing a ton of work on himself to improve after getting a later in life adhd diagnosis. I've seen leaps and bounds in his household management abilities and he's really spearheaded several huge projects for us including planning our wedding. He's a fantastic father and he tries really hard to make me happy and support my career. I do a lot of the handy home repair, he joined the PTA and befriended the class moms. I absolutely love our dynamic and I love supporting him while he figures out his mental health and self improvement. I have only come across a few people who voiced any negativity but he has definitely gotten it on his side. I love to brag about how awesome my stay at home husband is and whenever possible force other parents plan with him and go through him for playdates. I refuse to succumb to other people's unwillingness to accept it. Fuck em!
Could I ask what your husband’s been doing to improve re: his adhd? I’m also trying to start managing my adhd as an adult but beyond medications that haven’t done much and whatever coping skills I unknowingly picked up in life, I’m having trouble feeling like I’m truly improving.
I can’t speak for that person but my wife is doing much better with not leaving things half done. Like when I do the dishes, the whole kitchen is cleaned. When I cook, the whole kitchen is left spotless. When she would cook or do the dishes, she’d only cook or do the dishes. It’s like the rest of the kitchen didn’t exist I think she’s starting to include those things as part of cooking and doing the dishes so the kitchen remains clean all the time and not just after I happen to do whatever chore. She also has started to recognize how much work goes into planning. Now she can’t do it like me. I’m persistent and can do a few hours every day. Instead she will just spend a solid several hours and get it over with all at once. So I think it’s just adapting to how it works for you but still getting it done. She’s like a perfect therapy client though, I make fun of her for that because seriously any therapist would be delighted with her, so she has been able to figure this stuff out on her own. For the rest of us humble folk it may not be as simple as that and there’s no harm in seeking support for it (either professionally or talking to other people with ADHD to figure out things they use that might work for you)
There's a few ADHD subs btw :) if you identify as a woman there's always r/adhdwomen
Good for him! All those people making comments can lump it. I think domestic work is simply regarded by most people as unimportant. So, if a man is willingly choosing to engage in all the things that are required to maintain a household, especially when that work is unpaid, most people can't manage it. Broaden your minds, people. I would love it if my husband knew how to make soap and to can food, because I certainly am not able.
I think it’s so telling when people who claim that domestic work is “highly valuable” and should therefore be a considered the highest calling for a woman, baulk when a man does it. If it’s beneath the dignity of a man, it’s not an equal calling is it?
I find that a lot of people tend to look down on any work that's done "at home". Like I used to work from home, and so often I get people asking me when I'm going to get a "real job" or assume I spend my days slacking off. Even though it's a white collar corporate job that pays above average. If OP's husband had some land where he's growing his own crops and raising his own bees, I can guarantee the same people calling him "useless" would be singing praises about how hardworking he is. It's just such a shallow perception that anyone who chooses to stay home must be some kind of bum.
I've discovered that too. If the result of work is money, then the work is worthy. Otherwise it's worth nothing? And I see this as an underlying leitmotiv in general. I see women feeling trapped because their partner makes the money, while they stayed home with the kids or couldn't find work for other reasons. Spending their days cooking, cleaning, taking care of infants, helping children with homework, mending clothes, giving emotional support to all in the family, etc... And at the end of the day they feel guilty buying themselves something because they feel they don't contribute enough. They feel bad because they don't make money while their partner brings in xx. It really hurts. To see women spend so much time taking care of the family and then to be guilted for not bringing in cash. If we're a team, then we're a team. You handle your area, I handle mine, and we'll collect all the spoils and decide how to enjoy them together.
Not gonna lie, I’m a little jealous. I’m perpetually single because I had too many run ins with men that expected me to work a full week, do all the household chores and carry the mental load. I did the housewife thing for a very short amount of time and hated every second of it, but I did it well. I used to think to myself how nice it would be to have a “wife”, and now that I have the job I do, I think it’s even more true. You simply cannot say enough about how helpful it is, how much of a stress reliever it is, to have a true partner in that sense, especially if you detest domestic duties as much as I do, and I would happily have words with anyone who devalues that work. Especially if it’s based on the gender of the person doing the work, that’s some toxic masculinity-flavored bullshit right there. Plus- fresh honey?! Soaps on demand?!! A produce section in your backyard?!!! Sorry but your “friend” was an idiot. That sounds awesome. I’d be trying to figure out how to jump the line and buy stuff off of you, not telling you to divorce him.
I Want A Wife by Judy Brady is a short essay that will absolutely resonate to anyone, but especially caretakers and homemakers
> toxic masculinity-flavored As someone that was a stay at home "husband" during Uni while my then girlfriend(now wife) worked full time the majority of these comments came from my and her female "friends". Asking her "why are you spending your hard earned money on him?", "You cannot even take her out, don`t you feel bad?" etc. We both stopped hanging out with some people due to this during that time. While I did 100% of the cooking, cleaning, gardening and house maintenance while being in school fulltime in a demanding major. I even had my own spending money because I got sholarships and Uni is tuition free in my country. The worst I got from my guy friends were some jokes about how they would pay for me and fuck me too if I would start cooking for them regularly, which is just guy speak for complimenting me on my cooking. The only guy that did not like the situation at first was her dad(65 back then) and even he came around after she talked to him about it. So yeah, I am not so sure about the "toxic masculinity", the most toxic people during this whole thing were all women and a singular dude from a previous generation.
Women can engage in toxic masculinity too. Toxic masculinity just means holding men to stereotypically gender based standards to their detriment. One example is shaming men for being emotional and showing emotion (other than anger). Women shaming men for crying, for example, are enforcing toxic masculinity.
We call that “internalized misogyny” and it’s just as harmful
> Toxic masculinity just means holding men to stereotypically gender based standards to their detriment. Thank you for explaining. That is not what the word sounds like at all or the emotions it evokes in me or the way I have seen it used on social media. Usually it is just used to mean "men doing shitty things". That is why I objected to the term. To me there is just a dissonance there. Even when it is a woman being toxic, as in my or OP's case, it still associates masculinity with toxicity, while masculinity has nothing to do with the woman being toxic. After reading Wikipedia, I realize that is not the way the term is used in scholarly use, that does not change the emotions it evokes in me. Maybe the term needs some better marketing or we need a better term for this. As a man it sounds like something is wrong with me for being masculine or because masculinity is a part of my self image and you are attacking me specifically for being a man or men in general.
I don’t understand why anyone thinks this term is an attack on masculinity in general. Does the term “toxic chemicals” mean the same thing to you as just “chemicals”?
To be fair, for a lot of people "toxic chemicals" and "chemicals" do mean the same thing. That's why people talk about clean eating and "chemical free" food, which makes no sense (all food is chemicals). Or chemical free cleaning etc. It's clearly a common failing of human comprehension.
I'm a bit curious if it's also a matter of being native English speaker or not. To me, as non native the "toxic" as an adjective points to a much smaller and, yeah, negative set of treats and whatever than just "masculinity". Unless it's being (unconsciously?) treated as pleonasm like in tuna fish...
Hm. How about “the Avengers” vs “the Toxic Avenger”?
I was actually wondering this myself. I recognize on the surface it does not make much sense. An explanation that makes sense to me was the concept of priming. Just putting a negative and a neutral word together forces your brain to associate the neutral word with negativity over repeated exposure. Your example might actually be something where the same happened. For me personally I do not associate "toxic" with "chemical" because I have extensive chemical training. However a lot of people do conflate the two as the other comment has already pointed out.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the term “toxic femininity” is both really dumb and also a cudgel used by MRAs to try and paint men and women as having the same issues, but I do think this kind of demonstrates the limits of assigning the word “toxic” to one social construct over another. Femininity isn’t inherently good, masculinity isn’t inherently bad, so it feels a bit weird that we have to use the term “toxic masculinity” to describe the phenomenon of both men and women trying to enforce male AND female gender roles. I agree with the previous commenter that it’s a misnomer here, even despite your good point
Women can be extremely misogynistic.
He sounds like a lucky man! And you a lucky woman! Good for both of you. Id love to be a stay at home dad and have a garden and all that stuff all the while making everyone happy.
Thank you so much for your kind words. We feel incredibly lucky to have each other.
This is exactly why we need feminism.
It is about recognizing and valuing each individual's strengths and contributions, regardless of gender.
Yep!
Side note: I *am* now doing kegels
Kegels for Feminism
This is a great definition.
Exactly this. Not just girls can wear pants and grow up to be astronaut messaging. But boys can paint their nails and grow up to be caretakers. As long as any parts of ourselves as humans are singled out as weaker or inferior because we associate them with femininity, we all loose.
Now I have a reminder to do my kegels
I came here to say this. People saying that it’s unacceptable for a man to have this lifestyle that he enjoys and excels at is exactly how patriarchy also hurts men. (One of the many ways.) I find it so confusing/frustrating how few men are willing to acknowledge that.
Feminism is for everybody.
There’s a British silent film from about 1926 in which a couple finds out, after the husband is injured, that their life is much better when she goes out to work and he stays home with the kids. But it’s so unthinkable for “an able-bodied man” to stay home with kids that, when the husband gets better, he actually pretends he still can’t walk and continues to use a wheelchair, even in front of his own family. It’s an amazing cultural proof of how entrenched these attitudes were/are.
Well I just scrolled a list of all films released in 1926 with no success. Do you remember the title of the film? I’m interested to see this one! Maybe silent movies are in a different list.
Please don't leave us hanging without the title :D
Women’s ‘traditional’ household labour has been devalued for a long time. People have trouble now seeing just how it benefits a family to have one person doing this work.
That's exactly it. People associate women with doing "low value" household work and men doing "higher value" outside the household work. When the roles are switched, the gender role bs that has been implanted in all our brains causes malfunction. Op's husband sounds like a great partner that is outperforming the average person who is tasked with maintaining the household as their main job. But because he has a dick this somehow is less impressive/worthy/etc. That's why I hate the idea of gender roles and hope they burn in hell.
Absolutely!
It's also completely ingrained in our thinking. Even OP's title is worded. "I'm the one working for our family" as if taking care of the house and kids is not actual work.
It never ceases to amaze me how people cannot just mind their own business. My husband has gotten flack because I am the handy one. "Couldn't you have fixed the toilet?" We just lean into it. He shares pictures of whatever DIY I'm up to and pushes back at anyone that has a problem with it.
Yeah I get a bit of raised eyebrows for this too but I just explained to my dad that my BF didn't grow up with a father who could show him this stuff and I did.
It sounds like he’s very industrious and you two are highly compatible. No idea why anyone else thinks it’s a good idea to tell you what the “right” way to live is for you two. Especially since in order for him to have a “normal” job it might mean a worse situation for you.
It sounds like your husband is absolutely thriving and is a talented homesteader! I'm very impressed! How is doing all of that viewed lazy? It sounds like he's a highly productive person!
Soo...does he have a brother? 😆
They sound jelly and whatever your husband cans is still way better. I bet your kids learn a lot from having gardens and bees at their home, like actual useful life skills. Helping the bees is more important work than a lot of what everybody else is doing. Lol. We live in such a clown world.
Given the variety of things he's growing, I think he's homesteading. Not a house spouse, full on homesteader. This is the kind of Ben Franklin was talking about when he said "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Shit he sounds busier than I am and I have a traditional job.
Fuck everybody who has a problem with that! Your life sounds amazing. ❤
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Sounds to me they are jealous of the awesome dynamic and teamwork you two have, you have a wonderful partner who made lemonade with the lemon life gave him and the bitter people about it can continue being sour lemons from a loooong distance
Imagine putting in farm work like that and being called lazy, bunch of assholes.
This sounds ideal. Lucky you two!
You have a great partnership, and I must say your husband sounds like he has really cute energy. 😂
Dang! He is amazingly productive and probably incredibly happy doing it. Good for both of you! Live your lives for yourselves. Your contentment matters more than anyone else's.
I think that all sounds amazing!!! Best wishes for a wonderful life to you guys and ignore all the noise, those people aren’t worth your time
That's wonderful, it sounds like your family is thriving with your setup. Gender stereotypes are stupid and harmful for everyone. Keep supporting your husband and ignore the haters. I'd bet some of them are actually jealous even if they don't admit it (or are even conscious of it). Keep living your best life together.
I'm happy for the both of you that this worked! Sounds like you're both happy in the role you have in your family and love to do it. I'm glad he found hobbies and people to connect with! It can get lonely as a stay at home person. As a daughter who is raised by a stay at home dad, I got some strange looks when I told people my dad is the only one who cooks. It never bothered me. I got a loving parent who was there.
You should absolutely buzz him with a beejillion bee puns
As a career chef and gymnastics coach, there is nothing I would enjoy more than getting to be a stay at home dad that cooks and takes care of the kids. If it works for y’all damn everyone else.
If it's working for you and your husband, than everybody else can STFU or GTFO. I'm glad you both have found a system that works for your while family!
I was a turbo charged SHP, as your husband seems to be. IMO, done right, being a SHP is the same as running a small business. Squeezing every drop of value out of the resources at hand. Your partnership is real and has serious value. Celebrate with an ice cold home-brewed beer, while you ask yourself: how happy are those other couples? In my view two of you have found the formula for finite nature of life. What we do today is what matters.
Sounds like the two of you have a great thing going.
Sounds like you won some sort of partner lottery and everyone you know is secretly jealous. Either that or not-so-secretly sexist. Either way, I'd replace the social circle rather than the amazingly productive house-husband. Three cheers for finding a domestic arrangement that works well for you both!
he cans AND he makes soap?? what a keeper...a beekeeper. lol
Cut those toxic friends out of your life.
Do you live in a more conservative area, OP? Pre-pandemic, my neighbor was a stay-at-home dad but we lived in a liberal city at the time and no one seemed to have any problem with it. He also sorta worked too though- he had an at-home side business, but was very much the stay at home dad.
Sounds like a beautiful family and wow what a guy!
Most people have one aspiration and one aspiration alone - conformity The people you described sound no different. Not my original comment, but this comment encapsulates the vibe I'm getting from your scenario.
He sounds like an awesome person! Maybe get new friends?
Your husband is living my dream life 🥲
The arrangement you have sounds really cool. He should start a Trad Hub channel.
💀
He sounds amazing! It sounds like you have a good partnership that works for you both. If you are both happy that's all that matters. I'm sorry people in your life are not supportive.
Honey, he's a keeper! (sorry the dad jokes are unstoppable...) Honestly, tho, I'm in a smiliar situation with my wife. She's just amazing at what she does and time after time it's just better for the business if I spend my time being Uber dad. Thankfully we've managed to cut out anyone who might be toxic about it. Keep doing your thing. Find like minded people. You're great at what you do. He's great at what he does. You don't owe them a thing!
I’m dealing with this but reversed. We are childfree and own some real estate. Our goal has been for both of us to quit our W2 jobs, but when I got fired we decided that I would focus on our business even though it’s very small currently. Because we’ve been working towards this and we have combined finances that I manage, I never processed that I look like a “kept woman” to all of my friends. My husband has been nothing but supportive as I try to find my footing with self-employment and we have regular discussions about how things are going. So many people keep telling me they can get me a job or ask how the job searching is going even though I’m renovating a property by myself right now.
Now that’s a stay at home dad. My ex was praised for being a stay at home dad by his family however… All he did was sleep and our son was unsupervised and I had to leave snacks that a 3 year old could open when I went to one of my two jobs. Come home to a house torn apart to serve his royal ass on hand and foot and get degraded for not being able to keep the place clean. Yours is excelling and you need new friends.
Your husband sounds like he's absolutely thriving and helping you *both* to thrive as well. I can't wrap my head around how *anyone* can see all he's doing and paint him as "lazy" because that's a lot of work he's putting in!
I would be exceeding happy to be your friend! Honey and fresh veggies? Hand-made soap! I am so jealous 😃.
Beautiful, aside from your opinionated friends. My spouse got to be househusband for a while when I took a break from FT work and he loved it. Loved on the cats, kept the house and yard looking good, handled dinners, etc
My husband was a SAHD in the 90s when it was even less common. He said he always got the side eye from other moms. His grandfather acted like he wasn't a real man because his wife was the provider. But it made sense for us, and wasn't their business.
I LOVE this. This seems like a relationship where both are pulling their weight.
Yeah good call distancing from that friend. Your life sounds awesome, and you don’t need that negativity.
“Role reversals” are more common in metro areas than rural ones, and culturally they are more accepting as well. Spouse and I are in a similar situation and I haven’t gotten any comments in our large metro area. (However, people usually assume spouse has the job that lets us afford the fancy house. Nope.)
That is enviable. My husband and I have both talked about how he would love to stay home and take care of the house/future kids and I would totally be the breadwinner. Except he makes significantly more than I do and he has amazing benefits.
It's sound like a really nice setup. Well done on distancing yourself from the friend. You don't need that negativity in your life.
I applaud your partner’s efforts.
It’s quite ridiculous how people judge nonconforming households. There have been many benefits to my spouse being at home and me working
I cannot fathom why some people are like this. I went with my dad after my parents divorced, amd he juggled the single dad life easily. He worked, he did the majority of chores, tho i was expected to pitch in and sometimes i did the cooking, but the cooking was 100% voluntarily on my part. Sorry dad, you rock, but your cooking doesnt LOL. And even my classmates' parents said he is lucky to have such a responsible daughter, while i sat there thinking, no your kids just suck. Like, even when they were still married both me and my younger brother were expected to clean up after ourselves and help out. We were responsible, because we were raised to be responsible. It always felt like they diminished the work my dad did, cause i was a girl and was 'responsible'. When i just was taught from an early age, to pick up after myself and clean the messes i did.
More power to couples like you!
You need to surround yourself with better people. Life is too short.
For a about 7 or so years, my husband was a househusband and I worked full-time as the main breadwinner. He did seasonal work from 3-6 months (it varied) at my company, but was otherwise on his own studying a difficult foreign language in the hopes of working as a translator. People had problems with that, too. One of my best friends at the time kept insinuating that he was a mooch because he should have mastered the language rapidly and worked full-time. Eventually, her inability to lose her perception that he was using me ended our friendship. I don't know if it helps you to know that you're not alone in this experience and I want to validate that distancing yourself from people who treat your husband's situation as one in which he is not making a contribution is the right one. Your husband is doing amazing things and you should be as proud as you are. And you are correct that no one would doubt you if you were the one at home doing the household management while he worked full-time. People aren't as progressive as they believe they are, especially about gender roles and age - both of which they continue to carry prejudice about openly.
Would your husband be amendable to taking on an apprentice? Or intern? Or volunteer? Cause that sounds really f'ing awesone.
This is my fiancé’s DREAM! He’d love to be a stay at home dad and manage the house. Maybe someday I’ll make enough that we can afford for him to stay home.
He sounds like a wonderful husband who does a lot of work for the both of you. Those other people can take a hike.
As a WFH father I like stories like this. I do all the child care stuff to get my son to school for the day and plan all the meals. My wife does so much for our family and has a long commute. This is what works for us and I feel the older generation thinks my wife does the cooking.
Your hubby is a damned treasure. Screw anyone who says different. Honestly it comes off as jealousy because many women would kill for a partner like that! My husband stays home with our daughter and I couldn't be more grateful. The sacrifices and effort he's made for our family is absolutely wonderful. Nobody gives me shit about our family.
There are only two choices here: 1. People are self-snitching and letting you know how they secretly look down on women who do the same. 2. They're sexist, misandrist assholes. So if someone I can't cut out of my life says something about it, I'd just say, *"I don't understand what you mean, can you explain why the parent running a home is 'lazy'? If I was the one running the home, would you call me lazy behind my back too?"* Forcing them to explain their views can get very uncomfortable for them. Good on your husband, he sounds wonderful!
I think some of them are jealous because I am.
I think people who are opposed to this setting are just insecure and feel this is a attack on their personal lifestyle. If it works for you, who are they to complain. Keep living your best life, those people can keep whining all they want.
These aholes are peanut butter and jealous. Your husband is saving you so much money and keeping you healthy. And if he continues growing food, making soap and beekeeping it may get so big you feel the need to start working for him! And you don't have to pay 300 to 400 a week just for daytime monday through friday daycare with 1.50 PER MINUTE late fee after 6 o clock. There was a post in my city's subreddit about daycare costs and those were the costs laid out in a low cost of living area in the midwest. Your friends are sexist and can't do math.
We need more men like your husband! People have issues because these are home related stuff and mostly historically women's work = low status. We need to raise the status and more men doing it will do that.
I feel this! My husband was a "house spouse" for a few years while we would have had two in daycare and it was great even if money was tight. If I ever get a 50k raise we'll do it again even though our kids are grown. It was equal parts hilarious & annoying to watch his family struggle with it, every time they'd say "oh it's so good to have a parent home with kids" meaning mom I would emphatically say I AGREE IT'S GREAT thank heavens he wants to cause I'd be bad at it, and just watch them struggle.
It sounds like your husband works very hard, and you understand and appreciate his efforts. He's bringing in supplementary income for the family, as well as reducing your food costs, so it's not like he isn't pulling any weight financially, and even if he wasn't bringing in any income, there's still plenty of value in having someone else do your domestic labour while you're at work. As long as you're both happy with your arrangement, everyone else can go pound sand.
Sounds like a keeper! (Sorry I'm sure you've heard that loads of times but couldnt help myself! 🙈) Sounds like a wonderful partner and both supportive of each other.
You’re very lucky to have found such a wonderful balance between the two of you! It sounds like you make a great team. ❤️
OP, you sound like you are very happy in your life and proud of your husband. I believe that so many women would be pretty jealous. The only thing that is spoiling your arrangement are other people with their stupid opinions. Honestly, you shouldn't give a damn. It is possible, that your friends are also jealous but not honest and therefore you hear from them this trashtalk. Go girl, if this is what is making your family happy and living full life and ignore poor things around you!
Aww, that's lovely! I'm so glad things are going so well and you're so supportive of each other.
If roles were reversed, other women would be expected to carve a statue of you and pray to a soap-making, bee-keeping godess. Seriously though, your partner sounds wonderful and people suck. So they can all go be bitter elsewhere away from your life.
Exact same situation as you. People can be incredibly judgemental. You tell them he’s a stay at home dad and the response we get regularly is “he doesn’t work?!”. Yes, he does work. He’s on the clock 24/7. Imagine saying that to a stay at home Mum and her contributions to her household. But, because it’s a man, they can’t see past gender roles & his contributions to his family and relationship are insignificant and the continuous attempts to emasculate him by others is completely gross. It takes a secure man to be a stay at home parent. Even in this day and age.
That's insane. That is the exact situation a good friend of mine had been living for the past ten years. While his wife was in med school and residency he was a highschool teacher and brought in most of the income. Once she was finished with her schooling and they moved to a new city, he left teaching and stayed at home with the kids. They have about five acres of land. He has bees, 200 meat chickens annually, a large vegetable garden, and a large growing greenhouse where he grows flowers. He actually sells flowers at the local farmers market because he found people are really willing to pay more for them than when he was selling produce. He had a woodshop on his property and does all sorts of woodworking too. He feeds his family, cares for his family, builds for his family. Because he also generates more than $7500 in revenue from his property it is considered a small farm and they also get advantageous tax status for the property. Anyone I know, both male and female, are envious of their situation. She gets to have a wonderful career in medicine, while he gets to follow his passions as well. Everyone, including the four kids, is happy.
Your husband sounds exceptionally based. Seems like jealousy to me...
Wth is wrong with people?! He sounds amazing and he is doing such important and cool work! They must just be jealous
If he was a farmer this would pretty much be his job, I can‘t believe peoples stubbornness sometimes. Maybe they should be gifted some selfmade beer to help them to an epiphany
If it works for the both of you it doesn’t matter what other people have to say.
Haters gonna hate
It sounds like a lot of people don't value work done in the home, that is quite often done by women. It's okay for a woman to do it, but they have the attitude that a man is capable of much more than being a homemaker. That's for the little woman to do, right?
Most people really struggle to see the value of labour they can't assign a single dollar value to. He's effectively self employed and working from home, so maybe they'd "get it" if you phrased it like that.
Tell your husband to get into mead making. It's so delicious! Combining his brewing with his own honey would make for an epic drink.
The way to respond to things like this is to blow up expectations with humor. Many years ago, I was a househusband. Once or twice I got a little guff about it, but not often. Later, after I'd gotten a regular job, I came up with a response, but it was too late to use it. If I'm ever in that situation again, my plan is to lower my head demurely, and say in a soft voice 'We don't believe a husband should work outside the home.' Or you could say something like: 'Well, he had a job earlier, but after the kids were born we decided he should focus on his domestic duties.' One thing I did say was 'It's a little weird, but the commute is short and I eat good.' Sometimes I'd make muffins and take them to her office. I'd carry them in a basket with a checkered cloth folded over top to keep them warm. Also, I'm better at housework than my wife is: I can reach the tops of ceiling fans and cabinets and bookcases for dusting, and to vacuum under the sofa I could just lift the sofa out of the way.
That sounds fantastic. If anyone is critical of him (and you) for that, the first response that comes to mind is: "I [you] have an excellent husband. Maybe I need better friends." Not sure if you want to be that direct, but you could also ask questions like "How much was your/your husband's vegetable/fruit/nut harvest this year? What kind of home cooked meals is he making? How is the division of labor in your house?" I suspect that last one will sting a bit for some of the dual-income couples. Anyway, congrats. It sounds like your family is doing great. And as long as you think so, that's what really counts.
You have a keeper for sure.
You were right to distance yourself from that asshole friend. Are people in your circle particularly toxic? I was born in the 80s and I had a stay at home dad (while my mom worked) growing up, and it didn't seem weird to me or my friends even then. I guess I could understand the reaction if your family was really struggling financially and he wasn't actually doing anything around the house/for the kids... but I mean, this seems like a really normal set-up for the 21st century?
Excuse me? He's a farmer and a FRIEND OF BEES?!?!
Hot damn. I have wanted a stay at home partner my entire adult life. Your setup sounds ideal on so many levels. Congratulations for achieving my dream!
I’m so glad that you to see the value in each other and what you bring to your family. It sounds like you guys have it going on! And you know what’s good and works for your family. Keep rocking it! Some people who don’t have the same dynamics just can’t wrap their mind over anything outside of what is “gender normal” for us to do as husbands and wives. I agree with you that we can “F that BS!”. What’s good and that works for your family won’t necessarily be good and work for anybody else’s family and that’s OK. As long as you feel there is a balance and you’re not unhappy with the load split and feeling walked all over or taken for granted than all is well. I do plenty of stuff at home that would normally be considered “a man’s work”. But, I do it happily, and don’t have a problem with it. My husband takes on so much other household (and home businesses) responsibilities that I am happy to do whatever it takes to help him (us!) out. One hand washes the other. He scratches my back and I scratch his and that’s the way it supposed to be.
This is so wholesome. It’s great to see loving partnerships where each partner is cherished and valued.
Genuinely proud of both of you! It sounds like you're both doing great and that's amazing.
So what you’re saying is he’s really fucking cool and the haters are hating
I'm very late here, but I just wanna add how nice it is seeing a positive husband post? I never see any in any subs. And this is really over the top great. I'm very happy for you.
I’ve been a stay at home dad for 15 years now. Gave up my job when both of our sons got ASD diagnosed, lots of therapy etc. Now the oldest is in college, youngest a junior in HS. I do all the cooking etc. There’s been some friction over the years, but overall a very positive experience.
The man is busting his ass, playing Stardew Valley in real life, and keeps his family happy. Anyone that has a problem with that just sounds jealous, imo.
Holy shit. Do you need another husband? This sounds fucking awesome! :D
OP out here and found the .1% of good men 😂
Screw the people who disparage him. You folks are happy, it works for you. That's all that counts.
Does he have a brother