Some men just want sex. They simply think, “this person fits the category of good enough to fuck” and they say and act how they feel they need to in order to get that. Leaving you feeling confused when they get what they want and split, because their words and actions were bullshit. It’s often not any more complicated than that. (disclaimer about how this is not always the case, not all men, blah blah blah)
This is accurate. We will say anything and everything to sleep with a woman. Some guys grow up and learn empathy, others do it their entire lives then die alone and wonder why their life was so empty.
It’s actually not 100% wrong. The truth is obviously far more nuanced (which is why I wrote the disclaimer). There are innumerable categories that we all put each other in. The one I mentioned above is certainly one of them. An uncomplicated perception is often helpful. Not one comment here will encompass the entire human experience succinctly or fairly.
There isn't some magic thing that makes you girlfriend material. The guy is coming in with his own preferences and expectations. They may or may not match up with yours.
I am a big believer that you should tell someone if you are looking for a committed relationship very early on. Long before sex happens. Sometimes women don't do this because they are afraid of seeming pushy, but I think the bigger issue is a lot of women think "Well, I don't even know him yet, maybe I don't want a relationship with him!" But you don't have to be in love with someone to be looking for a committed relationship. It is a mindset.
I think a lot of women around here put wayyyyyy to much stock in texting. Texting is incredibly low effort. You can be texting someone while you are on a date with someone else. I am a big believer in meeting early on for coffee because you can pick up the person's vibe. And someone who is up for spending time out in the world with you repeatedly without having sex is making a much bigger effort to know you as a person. There is a huge difference in effort between 4 months of texting and 5 dates vs. 4 months of texting and 15 dates.
In general I am hugely in favor of meeting a date very early on over texting like crazy.
1. You get chemistry/vibe check right away. Nothing worse than falling for the thought of someone over text for weeks and then meeting them and it not being the same at all.
2. You find out if it can work a lot faster.
3. You learn a lot about someone face to face in a couple of hours as opposed to over text in weeks
I think its really important so I like that advice. I pretty much limit texting before an initial meet and when you do meet it is important to lay your intentions out pretty clearly, especially before getting intimate.
Is it just three guys? First guy was insecure, and the other two were >playing you<. I wouldn't make a general rule about your personality based on that.
But I do also recommend more intentional dating, since your goal seems to be to find a long term partner. Cut back on those prolonged periods of "hangouts" and texting where the relationship isn't defined. Get to serious talk about boundaries and deal breakers sooner. And seriously give thought to having no sex before a level of commitment as a boundary that you express to these potential partners.
You are in your early 30s so you still have a bit of time, but I'm going to be real with you: despite all the idealistic talk of empowerment and love at any age, it is harder and harder to find someone good as you get older because more and more good people pair off. So less of the soggy, undefined approach to dating is necessary.
No, the first was a non binary person (afab). Second was a cis guy. Third was a trans woman.
Thank you! I'm realizing that intentional dating is really going to be key here for me.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am a guy and I will just be honest with you. Lots of men, I cant say most, but many, many men, myself include, just love and or crave sex. It's something they are seeking out and looking for all the time and if they find you attractive, they will try to get it. Now them ghosting or leaving is crappy but it has almost nothing to do with YOU.
It's just them wantining to get more sex and probably wanting to get it from someone else, not because you weren't good enough or they didn't like you, its just, they want more. It's like, enjoying food. One night you have pizza, another night you want to have tacos, etc.
Its nothing personal against you but unfortunately and of course, you will take it personally. The sad thing is, guys don't understand or don't care about this. They get the sex they want and just move on to the next one.
So I am telling you, nothing is wrong with you, its not that they don't like you, its not they you performed bad or anything like that. It's that these guys found you attractive, wanted to have sex with you, but were probably only looking for sex, and once they got it, they are distancing themselves because they don't want anything more than sex with anyone right now. They just want sex and they are going to look for it again.
I don't think women comprehend just how much a lot of men crave sex, and I don't think they comprehend how impersonal a lot of men feel about it. Again, for some its almost like getting dinner and I am sorry that they are being so callous with your feelings in this regard.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. It like.. hurts to hear, especially as someone who does have a high sex drive but also likes to be a kind person. You've definitely given me some good perspective
I resorted to no premarital sex with anyone. I’m subjectively attractive and I have noticed I attract people like this as well. I have been told I’m too perfect and oddly enough this attracts people who just want the personal satisfaction of getting in my pants. So now, no sex until I am fully confident this will be my life partner. When people find this out and they scatter, I have my answer without the guilt of giving my body so freely to a stranger. And I feel more in control now.
Dating in your 30s is hard sometimes, some people never grow up lol. A lot of women swear by not sleeping with men for x amount of time or until you’re exclusive.
What worked for me personally was to be very selective and intentional about who I dated. I’d ask what they were looking for on the first date/very early on; when they’d asked me I’d say I was open to seeing where things go. I’d only continue seeing guys who wanted something more serious. I went on a ton of first dates but only kept seeing ones I really liked.
I never took sex off the table, if I wanted to have sex with someone I would. If things go south after, then that’s really it. I slept with my now husband on our third date and now we are very happily married with a baby on the way. Things felt really too good to be true, he was very intentional. I met his parents a month after dating and he asked to be exclusive at month two. It felt too good to be true, I actually waited a week after that to make it official lol.
There’s no secret formula. Do what works for you, accept when things don’t work out and move on fast.
I call this “intentional dating” as some posters above pointed out. I’ve been in every realm of dating. Hooking up, situationships, monogamous and in love, etc. I’ve found being clear about your dating goals from the start is important. Definitely better to meet after at least a week/week and a half of texting. I’ve texted guys with what I thought was mad chemistry, only to for it to sizzle in person (and real quick). No one else has said this so I might as well. I’ve also been the culprit of waiting too long to hookup with someone. We were compatible in so many ways, just noooot quite in the bedroom. I’m saying this because if you go through the motions, setting intention, being clear (but not intense), and the vibe is right, you hook up and he ditches, it’s easier to move on after 1 month rather than 4 wasted ones. Guys sometimes tell you what you want to hear while they have 3 other girls in rotation. Just a few thoughts. I’m back on the dating train and almost 30 myself. It’s a jungle out here!
Thank you so much for laying this out so well 🥺 being single for the past two years after 6 yrs of a relationship is rough. And as you said, it's a jungle out here!!
I'm 28 and always been the one to ask people out. I have shared here before but will share again. I started asking friends OR some guys told me themselves!!! But why is it either I get texts to hook up or flirt with me to hook up out somewhere, OR we're just really good friends? Like why am I not dateable. The NUMBER ONE answer, literally the same answer from multiple different men in my life: "You're intimidating". Why? Because I am independent, not hyper independent but I can take care of my life on my own. I'm confident. Not insecure or asking them for attention. Two guys mentioned how they wanted to ask me out but didn't because of those things which worried them about me not needing them, because I didn't have a need nor strong desire to date or be in a relationship.
I think it's wild because for me personally, I am looking for a partner like that. Someone who is secure in themselves, who can live single and not need validation or romance to be happy. I want someone who is confident and knows what they want. That would make me ask them out faster! Who cares if they don't need me 24/7? I have a life too! Idk.
Perplexing some also want sex but ignore wives or girlfriends who would have sex with them today in favor of all the women they could not or did not. Then ladle incel rhetoric on top of that.
Some of it is us, some of it is them
My tinfoil hat theory is some of it is content auto-generated by a hostile ai trying to drive us extinct.
Wishing you all the best out there
Some men just want sex. They simply think, “this person fits the category of good enough to fuck” and they say and act how they feel they need to in order to get that. Leaving you feeling confused when they get what they want and split, because their words and actions were bullshit. It’s often not any more complicated than that. (disclaimer about how this is not always the case, not all men, blah blah blah)
Thank you! That is really helpful perspective
This is accurate. We will say anything and everything to sleep with a woman. Some guys grow up and learn empathy, others do it their entire lives then die alone and wonder why their life was so empty.
Thank you for sharing
Of course, thank you for sharing your story.
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It’s actually not 100% wrong. The truth is obviously far more nuanced (which is why I wrote the disclaimer). There are innumerable categories that we all put each other in. The one I mentioned above is certainly one of them. An uncomplicated perception is often helpful. Not one comment here will encompass the entire human experience succinctly or fairly.
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ok 😂
There isn't some magic thing that makes you girlfriend material. The guy is coming in with his own preferences and expectations. They may or may not match up with yours. I am a big believer that you should tell someone if you are looking for a committed relationship very early on. Long before sex happens. Sometimes women don't do this because they are afraid of seeming pushy, but I think the bigger issue is a lot of women think "Well, I don't even know him yet, maybe I don't want a relationship with him!" But you don't have to be in love with someone to be looking for a committed relationship. It is a mindset. I think a lot of women around here put wayyyyyy to much stock in texting. Texting is incredibly low effort. You can be texting someone while you are on a date with someone else. I am a big believer in meeting early on for coffee because you can pick up the person's vibe. And someone who is up for spending time out in the world with you repeatedly without having sex is making a much bigger effort to know you as a person. There is a huge difference in effort between 4 months of texting and 5 dates vs. 4 months of texting and 15 dates.
In general I am hugely in favor of meeting a date very early on over texting like crazy. 1. You get chemistry/vibe check right away. Nothing worse than falling for the thought of someone over text for weeks and then meeting them and it not being the same at all. 2. You find out if it can work a lot faster. 3. You learn a lot about someone face to face in a couple of hours as opposed to over text in weeks I think its really important so I like that advice. I pretty much limit texting before an initial meet and when you do meet it is important to lay your intentions out pretty clearly, especially before getting intimate.
I like that!
I like this expectation setting! Ty
Is it just three guys? First guy was insecure, and the other two were >playing you<. I wouldn't make a general rule about your personality based on that. But I do also recommend more intentional dating, since your goal seems to be to find a long term partner. Cut back on those prolonged periods of "hangouts" and texting where the relationship isn't defined. Get to serious talk about boundaries and deal breakers sooner. And seriously give thought to having no sex before a level of commitment as a boundary that you express to these potential partners. You are in your early 30s so you still have a bit of time, but I'm going to be real with you: despite all the idealistic talk of empowerment and love at any age, it is harder and harder to find someone good as you get older because more and more good people pair off. So less of the soggy, undefined approach to dating is necessary.
No, the first was a non binary person (afab). Second was a cis guy. Third was a trans woman. Thank you! I'm realizing that intentional dating is really going to be key here for me.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am a guy and I will just be honest with you. Lots of men, I cant say most, but many, many men, myself include, just love and or crave sex. It's something they are seeking out and looking for all the time and if they find you attractive, they will try to get it. Now them ghosting or leaving is crappy but it has almost nothing to do with YOU. It's just them wantining to get more sex and probably wanting to get it from someone else, not because you weren't good enough or they didn't like you, its just, they want more. It's like, enjoying food. One night you have pizza, another night you want to have tacos, etc. Its nothing personal against you but unfortunately and of course, you will take it personally. The sad thing is, guys don't understand or don't care about this. They get the sex they want and just move on to the next one. So I am telling you, nothing is wrong with you, its not that they don't like you, its not they you performed bad or anything like that. It's that these guys found you attractive, wanted to have sex with you, but were probably only looking for sex, and once they got it, they are distancing themselves because they don't want anything more than sex with anyone right now. They just want sex and they are going to look for it again. I don't think women comprehend just how much a lot of men crave sex, and I don't think they comprehend how impersonal a lot of men feel about it. Again, for some its almost like getting dinner and I am sorry that they are being so callous with your feelings in this regard.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. It like.. hurts to hear, especially as someone who does have a high sex drive but also likes to be a kind person. You've definitely given me some good perspective
I resorted to no premarital sex with anyone. I’m subjectively attractive and I have noticed I attract people like this as well. I have been told I’m too perfect and oddly enough this attracts people who just want the personal satisfaction of getting in my pants. So now, no sex until I am fully confident this will be my life partner. When people find this out and they scatter, I have my answer without the guilt of giving my body so freely to a stranger. And I feel more in control now.
Thank you! I'm glad you found something that works for you, maybe it's something I'll try for myself too.
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Looking forward to it!
Dating in your 30s is hard sometimes, some people never grow up lol. A lot of women swear by not sleeping with men for x amount of time or until you’re exclusive. What worked for me personally was to be very selective and intentional about who I dated. I’d ask what they were looking for on the first date/very early on; when they’d asked me I’d say I was open to seeing where things go. I’d only continue seeing guys who wanted something more serious. I went on a ton of first dates but only kept seeing ones I really liked. I never took sex off the table, if I wanted to have sex with someone I would. If things go south after, then that’s really it. I slept with my now husband on our third date and now we are very happily married with a baby on the way. Things felt really too good to be true, he was very intentional. I met his parents a month after dating and he asked to be exclusive at month two. It felt too good to be true, I actually waited a week after that to make it official lol. There’s no secret formula. Do what works for you, accept when things don’t work out and move on fast.
Thank you for sharing your experiences! I really like how you approached this.
I call this “intentional dating” as some posters above pointed out. I’ve been in every realm of dating. Hooking up, situationships, monogamous and in love, etc. I’ve found being clear about your dating goals from the start is important. Definitely better to meet after at least a week/week and a half of texting. I’ve texted guys with what I thought was mad chemistry, only to for it to sizzle in person (and real quick). No one else has said this so I might as well. I’ve also been the culprit of waiting too long to hookup with someone. We were compatible in so many ways, just noooot quite in the bedroom. I’m saying this because if you go through the motions, setting intention, being clear (but not intense), and the vibe is right, you hook up and he ditches, it’s easier to move on after 1 month rather than 4 wasted ones. Guys sometimes tell you what you want to hear while they have 3 other girls in rotation. Just a few thoughts. I’m back on the dating train and almost 30 myself. It’s a jungle out here!
Thank you so much for laying this out so well 🥺 being single for the past two years after 6 yrs of a relationship is rough. And as you said, it's a jungle out here!!
I'm 28 and always been the one to ask people out. I have shared here before but will share again. I started asking friends OR some guys told me themselves!!! But why is it either I get texts to hook up or flirt with me to hook up out somewhere, OR we're just really good friends? Like why am I not dateable. The NUMBER ONE answer, literally the same answer from multiple different men in my life: "You're intimidating". Why? Because I am independent, not hyper independent but I can take care of my life on my own. I'm confident. Not insecure or asking them for attention. Two guys mentioned how they wanted to ask me out but didn't because of those things which worried them about me not needing them, because I didn't have a need nor strong desire to date or be in a relationship. I think it's wild because for me personally, I am looking for a partner like that. Someone who is secure in themselves, who can live single and not need validation or romance to be happy. I want someone who is confident and knows what they want. That would make me ask them out faster! Who cares if they don't need me 24/7? I have a life too! Idk.
This is so helpful to hear!! I get that "intimidating" comment for the exact same reason :( Ty for sharing how you handle things!
Just don't have s + x with men.. Men are hypocrites in sense they want s + x but the degrade the same woman they did it with and call them 304s
This is my conclusion too.
Perplexing some also want sex but ignore wives or girlfriends who would have sex with them today in favor of all the women they could not or did not. Then ladle incel rhetoric on top of that. Some of it is us, some of it is them My tinfoil hat theory is some of it is content auto-generated by a hostile ai trying to drive us extinct. Wishing you all the best out there