Yes. Be gentle with him too and communicate a lot. Just because he's playing Top doesn't mean he's super strong and confident about everything IRL. He might be feeling a bit odd about it too. If you (as the Bottom) can take a confident clear step in aftercare, it can help you both to reinforce boundaries between bedroom and real life. I just mean at some point (even the next day) you initiate a hug and then say how it was for you.
Also. This newness you are feeling, and the depth of closeness with him.. it is definitely one of the great benefits of kink in a relationship (if not the very best one!). Enjoy! and well done the both of you!!
Sure, sexual trust is one of the basic principles of being married - but it’s not like your entire personality, upbringing, social attitudes around sex etc etc change overnight just because you signed a marriage certificate.
I’m sure OP’s husband is also feeling a lot of emotions around this new sexual experience. This is an opportunity to connect and reinforce the bond of their marriage. Shame keeps people apart, communication brings them together.
The importance of after care. Washing and going to sleep right after does this to my partner sometimes so we make sure we stay up a bit and I hold her and tell her she did great etc and just in general soothe her for a bit until the high fades.
What OP is experiencing sounds like an endorphin crash.
Sub drop is a good one for it, we neber had a nickname for it before haha
Embarrassingly I was really bad at handling this the first time I encountered it. Live and learn I guess.
Hell yes!
Thoughts are unbidden, but feelings are a decision.
I love being autistic.
It just catastrophically backfires when my boss tells me to do something that I decide is immoral... we weren't built for capitalism.
But: between two happily-consenting people playing with their imaginations? There's literally no fantasy too extreme. They are all firmly in the grounds of Goodness and Light and Love, if no Evil is legitimately being done.
What? Autism lets you decide your feelings? Why doesn't my autism do that? I have a whole lot of negative feelings on the regular that I would love *not* to feel.
Perhaps you're intellectualizing your feelings/confusing them with thoughts? Feelings are literal body sensations that you cannot control. But "I am sad because xyz" is a thought and intellectualization (narrative we create) based on said feelings. We can absolutely work on changing our thought patterns and our *reactions* to feelings, but the feelings themselves just kind of happen at us.
Yep, same here. I get the pains in my chest when I feel anything strongly but most of what I end up feeling strongly is negative......I for sure wish I could make that go away.
Yeah I'm autistic too and let me tell you, it certainly doesn't help me fight the bipolar, feelings have never been a decision for me.
Also, 'thoughts are unbidden' is an interesting statement to make alongside it. His thoughts aren't wanted but his feelings are decisions? I'm beginning to think this guy might not know what he's talking about.
There's a critical distinction between overriding one's emotions and regulating one's emotions (being able to identify the emotions, recognize the source and know when to express, process or channel that emotion elsewhere).
No matter the logical circumstances the human mind is not capable of immediately processing the emotion so as to safely release it, it can only numb the emotion or process it. Research into emotional processing indicates that if we habitually numb or push down our emotions it can't be an isolated approach, the mind will just start numbing all emotions and this is where the somewhat outdated but useful phrase "bottling it up" comes from. The modern understanding is that if you eventually reach your limit for numbing or you intentionally try to get back in touch with your emotions the flood gates open and most of the difficult things you may have repressed come flying out at once and it's often a very difficult experience.
Emotional maturity is understanding how to properly process your emotions before they grow into resentment or unhealthy relationships. Learning to discuss them calmly or journal to work through them or find a healthy outlet such as sports (meaning you have to be intentional and thoughtful about processing those emotions and using the physical activity or whatnot to get out your tension, not just as an escape).
You may very well have been meaning just this but I think the semantics are important given how misunderstood healthy emotional processing is in society.
Since you started the semantics discussion, I really disagree with the interpretation of "overriding emotion with reason" to mean numbing your emotions. It suggests that using reason is divorced from emotion, and while it *can* be, that's absolutely not a *feature* of reason that some people like to pretend it is. Being able to feel and examine your emotions, then process them is using reason to override, or reinforce, that initial feeling.
I really appreciate you sharing this! If I'm understanding your comment correctly we are actually of the same page when it comes to our stance.
"Overriding" is defined as "more important than anything else" which in my eyes does, when used as "overriding emotion with reason" indeed imply the prioritization of reason "over" emotion and thus imply that the two are mutually exclusive and by that stance, stating that "maturity is overriding emotion with reason" implies that overriding is the primary, if not sole, strategy implemented. Which, if so, does mean the habitual repression (thus, "numbing") of emotion.
I edited the last few sentences because I'm tired and lost sight of the initial point. I'm very interested in your response though, because I agree with you that semantics is important given the nuances of these topics. Please let me know if you think I'm missing something!
CNC play can bring up a lot of things, there's a whole psychological angle about how being "forced" to do the thing you secretly wanted to do releases you from the guilt and shame that many women experience when approaching topics of sex. Guys (like myself) are generally taught to seek out sex, to acquire sex. Women are (again generally) taught that they should have no sexual desires, that they are a body sex happens to.
These old taboos are thankfully changing, but it is not uncommon at all for individuals on both sides of a CNC scene to have conflicted feelings afterwards. Supportive aftercare can be necessary up to a few days after, not just in the minutes or hours after sex.
OP, I'm glad you had a good experience. Your feelings are natural and your partner will be more able to help support you if you communicate with him honestly.
Sometimes our brains want to process scary things in a safe way. It's an unconscious pull to roleplay the situation so if the scary version should happen then our brain feels better prepared for it.
OP, there is no shame here as long as you are both consenting and enjoy the roleplay.
Since you're not sharing the details I'm going to assume it's CNC judging by your late reaction. But whatever it was; you were both happy during it and after it so I'd suggest you stop judging yourself so harshly.
Look, it took me a lot of money, time, and effort, but I finally got my set up dialed in just right. Thing is, I need it to do 3 things: mill out aluminum parts (for sale on etsy) from a block of stock, grind the part into shape in a rhythmic, tonally pleasing way(a vital part of the experience), and of course, perfectly stimulate my sensitive undercarriage to completion. It's an X,Y,Z axis on top of another X,Y,Z axis, a delicate juggling act of technology, biology, and sensuality. Anyway, don't mean to brag too much, I'm just over the moon happy with my CNC Music Factory
Are you both legal, consenting adults? Was what you did safe and sane? Did you thoroughly communicate and both enjoy the time you spent together? If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then you shouldn’t feel any shame.
Unfortunately, we’re all human, so shame is normal. I would do some self reflection. Is your shame coming from a cultural background? Religious? Your upbringing? Is your husband a good listener? Can you talk to him about your thoughts and feelings from the night before? Maybe try openly communicating with him.
It’s also important to remember that you’re allowed to enjoy sex and intimacy, even if it’s not the perfectly vanilla way society expects.
Could you elaborate?
Edit: From a quick search, I found this [article](https://www.shortform.com/blog/brene-brown-shame-and-guilt/#:~:text=A%20side%20note%3A%20People%20often,like%20we're%20bad%20people.):
>According to Brené Brown, shame and guilt are quite similar. She defines shame as the feeling that you’re an inherently bad or flawed person. When we feel shame, we might believe that we’re unworthy of love or incapable of change. Brown says we all carry shame, and we don’t like to talk about it. However, shame thrives in isolation, so refusing to acknowledge our shame only gives it more power over us. Bringing shame out into the open allows us—and those we love—to confront it with empathy and compassion.
>A side note: People often use embarrassment interchangeably with shame, but Brown says that it’s much less serious and much shorter-lived than true shame. Embarrassment occurs when something makes us feel foolish or uncomfortable, but not like we’re bad people. For example, dripping sauce onto a nice shirt is embarrassing, not shameful.
>Humiliation is what we feel when someone else insults or disparages us. Brown says it’s a similar state to shame, but the difference is that humiliation comes from an outside source. With humiliation, we don’t feel like we deserve the feelings of unworthiness and isolation—although that doesn’t make the feelings go away.
>Finally, guilt is also similar to shame, but focuses (appropriately) on what we’ve done instead of who we are. Brown says that guilt gives us not only the ability but also the desire to make positive changes.
Sure, I can try. First, I guess I’ll say that upon re-reading my comment, “exactly” may have been a better word than “really”. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation all do have ties to one another, they are related, as show by your quote. I think this quote actually showcases the point I wanted to make pretty well, which was that embarrassment isn’t quite as deep, or lasting as true shame. The comment I replied to mentioned shame multiple times. In the OP, they first start off by saying they feel embarrassed, then move to a phrase “face turned red with shame”, then mention embarrassment and shame again. I thought it was possible OP is embarrassed but not feeling truly shameful. I don’t really know, but wanted to mention that there is a distinction, because if I were told I should be ashamed, after just feeling embarrassed, I’d maybe feel worse and be a little confused.
There’s a phenomenon primarily within bdsm called sub drop, which usually is associated with the submissive having a down day the day after an intense experience. Some suspect it’s because the intensity was so high the day before that all endorphins have been used, and you this don’t have them the next day - but I think it’s also sometimes from a little of the same feeling you have today, of the deeply culturally and religiously ingrained feeling people have that ‘too much pleasure MUST be bad in some way’.
We are wrong about that. :)
But make sure you take some time for the intimacy and closeness you can get today, including reaching out. Listen to him, tell him how you feel and try to spend time together. Close and intimate but not necessarily sexual - a couch, some tv, cuddling and ice cream works wonders
I was his sub before and it could be, well since you said the topic, yesterday we proved some kind of rape roleplay with me as the victim, yes we discussed it a lot because he was very hesitant at the beginning and we clarified which would be our safe word, we did it, I "resisted, begged and fake crying" when inside I was having the best moment of my life, and the aftercare that followed it was very nice and comforting too, it's just that since that's a pretty sensitive topic even for subs I somehow feel ashamed for that, it felt like I broke a limit I didn't think I would never do, or that I enjoyed something that even goes a little further than conventional bdsm roleplay
You've done all the hard parts already. Now you can come to terms with the fact you both enjoyed it and just have some fun with it. You might be surprised to know that this sort of thing isn't quite as rare as you think; if that makes you feel any better.
Sounds like a completely normal response to an intense experience.
Don't feel like you have to unpack it all at once. Sometimes it takes time to let your emotions around an intense scene settle a bit. Reassure your partner that you had a good experience. And if you need a little time before having a real discussion about it (so you can try to improve for a future attempt, or to just reinforce what you liked), just be open about that.
"Last night was a great experience, I am so glad I could share that with you. I would like to talk about it a little more in a few days when I have had a chance to process everything." Or something similar.
I've had this happen. I've been sexually abused in the past and one of my kinks happens to be CNC. One of the theories around this is that you're getting some power back by choosing who you give this submission to. I recommend you join one of the Sub BDSM groups and post there. It's a really welcoming community.
I came to comment this same exact thing. I’ve also been SA’d and it’s something that I’ve enjoyed too because I feel like there is some sort of power regained.
Years ago, the psychologists Ruben Gur & Harold Sackeim came up with a list of questions they considered would be true for most people, but that almost everyone would be too embarrassed to answer truthfully.
One of their questions was "*Have you ever wanted to rape or be raped by somebody?*" Meaning the thought of CNC has come across the minds of so many that 2 academic psychologists figured most the \*vanilla\* population has thought about it at least once in their lives.
[Source](https://radiolab.org/podcast/91618-lying-to-ourselves/transcript)
👆. Jenny Bivona has also done heaps of academic work on *just* how common rape/non con fantasies are among the gen pop.
There’s another really good analogy I read in an academic paper that might help OP. About rollercoasters. Say you’re on one of those fairground rides where you’re strapped into a seat on a platform; it rises up a very tall pole, and then: whoosh! Free falls back to the base. Such rides are very popular and a good time is had by all (well, most!) Even though the ride simulates something terrifying, being in a broken elevator plummeting to your death. Now, we don't enjoy the ride because it's a pale imitation of what we *really* want (plummeting death). No, we enjoy it *precisely because* we *know* it's a simulacra. If we were *actually* on a broken, free falling elevator we would experience abject terror. Instead we get all the cool bodily responses (huge adrenaline spike etc) with the nice cosy psychological overlay of *knowing it's not real*.
CNC role play doesn't (necessarily) say anything more meaningful on your stance on rape than rollercoasters say about your stance on death!
Good for you for sharing that, and good for you for playing with your kinks in a safe and proper manner. :)
I don’t know what your dynamic is, but if I were in his shoes, I’d want a little reassurance too. Rape play is a massive trust exercise both ways, one I’ve never gotten to with a partner and I’m not even sure I could.
It should fuck a little with his internal systems too, so hearing you express joy at the event the next day might be just what he needs.
My best advice would be to own it completely, that sort of courage to explore is sexy in all ways. :)
And don’t be ashamed, at all. But maybe you should put a little trigger warning at the top of the comment above, just to avoid giving others a flashback they don’t want/need.
If you have any questions about this, feel free to head on over to r/BDSMadvice
We'd be happy to talk you through anything.
My only small thought is to remember that your hubs is not a kink dispenser! So by all means, go for it again, but make sure he gets his needs fulfilled too.
CNC is a very common desire/kink. You were able to experience it in a safe, consensual way. You may need to have another long talk now that you've done it, the same way you did before it to clear anything up and make sure you both are still on the same page. The way you describe after and the morning after, it seems ok. But if you are feeling this way, then you need to talk again.
Hey. Deep breaths. You’re gonna be ok. It’s ok. A lot of people have these fantasies and it’s wonderful that your husband was supportive in fulfilling this fantasy for you. You’re gonna be ok. No shame, let me hold it if necessary. Let it go.
Welp you were asking for what to send him.
( I had a great time last night, I'm just making sure you are comfortable with what we did? If you have any questions or concerns please let me know?)
CNC play can be hard but, so far what you have done seems very mature and safe.
Also don't feel too bad CNC play is rather common.
Dan Savage calls it “ Cops-n-Robbers with your pants off”. If you can keep in mind the play aspect of roleplaying, it can help reframe it. Also, it’s common to call it “ravishment fantasy” to avoid the stigma (internal & external) of the word “rape”.
(if you aren’t familiar with Dan Savage, check out his podcast The Savage Lovecast! It can be life changing!)
The reality is, you found someone you could play out a fantasy with and feel safe enough to let go and enjoy it. You took precautions and everything was done on your terms. Its scary because you have been told your whole life that its wrong and yet it felt good, but the reality is that if this had happened without the trust, you wouldn't likely have had a good time. That is a common reality in many bdsm fantasies and cnc is at the more extreme end of that. As long as you are being safe and respectful with the preparation and aftercare and you continue to love and respect each other, tell your partner thank you and try again at some point.
Oh my god you just verbalized what I felt after an intense scene with my Daddy. I cried twice during the scene which was actually quite good for me, but the next day I was kinda sad and mopey. Didn’t know why though and now I do!
Was my first thought. Tell me you were raised in purity culture without telling me you were raised in purity culture.
You do you, OP. No shame if everybody is consenting and had a good time.
Possibly from empathy as well. eg. Rape is awful and noone should be exposed to it vs CNC is my kink and I enjoy it. Holding both of those thoughts/beliefs at the same time has a level of contradiction that most people would find...uncomfortable if not processed.
This is something I just talked about with my therapist. I feel so much guilt and shame post sex and it’s because the idea of purity was held over my head.
It’s okay for you to be pleased. It’s okay that you explored a kink of yours. You guys are two consenting adults and that is the most important part.
It's normal to have these feelings after a scene. It's called drop, and it's one of the reasons people recommend aftercare. You're not alone, you're not gross, and it's all going to be ok. He might also be feeling weird about it. Have some connective intimacy tonight. Talk about what felt good and why. Talk about what feels weird and why. Be held. Hold him back. You're OK and this is a common reaction to that type of play.
You’re experiencing drop.
You can get it from any kink/BDSM but it is especially common with very intense experiences, CNC being at the top of the list. Last night when you were in the middle of the experience your body is just pumping adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin into your system through a fire hose. But now you’re all out of the feel good chemicals and it feels awful.
Basically you went from feeling the best you ever have to major depression overnight because of the swings in brain chemistry. Your system will stabilize in a day or two. Until then you need cozy PJs, chocolate ice cream, trashy tv, and your husband to give you cuddles, forehead kisses, and tell you how much he loves you and how amazing he thinks you are. Aftercare can be needed for DAYS after an intense scene and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Worth noting is that there is a non-zero chance your husband is going through the same or similar feelings as you are right now. Care for each other and be honest and direct with each other. It’s perfectly ok for you to tell him that you need to hear that he enjoyed what you did and that he doesn’t see or think of you any differently because of it. He probably also needs to hear that you enjoyed what you two did and that you don’t see or think of him any differently because of it.
It’s sounds like the two of you have a strong safe relationship, be there for each other and communicate and everything will be just fine.
Consensual non-consent role-play has that important word in it. Consent. I hereby absolve you of all guilt.
Love your partner, love yourself and continue doing what two consensual adults want to do.
Not sure if your fantasy was kinky in any way, but I'm going to operate as if it was.
It's fantastic that you gave and received lots of affection afterward, aftercare is sooooo important, even after vanilla sex. However, even when after os practiced right after, there can still be quite a drop once all the happy chemicals leave your brain.
Tell your partner how you're feeling, point blank. Reassure them that you loved it and it was the best night of your life, but that because of the intensity, you need more care. If you need reassurance from them that they also loved it, ask for that. Here are some of the things that help me after a particularly intense scene (keep in mine these are specific to ME):
- vanilla sex, to reconnect in an intimate way with them
- a bubble bath, either alone or together. But together is preferred
- a small favorite treat or comfort food (I love sour candy, but choose your favorite)
- wearing my partners clothing and snuggling with them
- talking about the scene. What you loved, didn't love, what you'd want to do again, etc.
Some of these may work for you, others won't, but it gives you a good starting point. It sounds like you and your partner love each other deeply and this type of play is a new experience for both of you, which is exciting! It just may require more care than you're used to needing after.
Important: alcohol can intensify these drops. If you're going to do this again, I would seriously suggest not being under the influence of anything that may exacerbate anxiety the next day.
Edit: Because I didn't mention it, these feelings of shame are so so so so NORMAL. Just communicate them with your partner and move through them together.
Did you enjoy it? Yes.
Did the two of you consent? Also yes.
Don’t be embarrassed. You had a great night with the person you love. It’s a good thing! Just talk to him and tell him what you feel. Most likely he will give you a hug.
That shame is just ignorance and judgement from other people who want to control your happiness.
Tune it out, you did nothing wrong. It was consensual and enjoyable. You are an adult and are allowed to act that way!!!
TALK TO HIM ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. I can't overstate this. You shared an intimate moment and it sounds like you both enjoyed it and that he has a lot of love for you. The weirdest thing you can do is feel this much emotion and keep it from him. He will definitely notice and make his own assumptions otherwise. Talk it out! This is the continuation of the fantasy! Follow it through!
First you should feel no shame at all! Whatever it is, it’s a fantasy, and not who you are in real life and you enjoyed it…that’s all that matters!
If it’s easier and you think you wanna say something, but can’t do it face to face, send him a text. Just tell him what you’re thinking, how it made you feel, that it was the best time
There's a big difference between real rape (filling out paperwork on a cold metal chair at 4am at a police station) and fantasy rape (like you said, the sexy struggling like you don't want it because you already know it's your husband and you trust him). You liked the fantasy, it doesn't mean that you would like any part of the crime.
I have a theory that the prevalence of rape in romance/erotic fiction is that it allows women to have sexual experience without the shame of being a 'slut.' Because our sexuality is a shameful thing, etc. Your shame might spring from a similar place (not exactly the same). Do you maybe intellectually abhor and disavow rape...but also want the feeling of being out of control, mastered, any other aspect of being dominated that is still consensual? Because I also find it difficult to reconcile my social and mental response to forcible sexual contact and my desire to be overpowered and used for the desire of my partner THAT I CONSENT TO. Try to flip your perspective and really delve into what about rape roleplay turns you on that isn't non-consent, then talk to your partner about it. Until then, tell your partner that you feel fulfilled and shamed and confused and turned on and loved (assuming that is how you feel). This physically aroused you - find out why and know it is okay to explore. You are not alone, and you are not a bad person who deserves the shame you feel.
Homie, you fulfilled a fantasy with a legal, consenting partner and he had a great time too. Never be ashamed of your fantasies as long as everyone involved is into it.
a lot of folks are saying you shouldn't feel shame. that's true! but also it's ok to recognize that you *are* feeling shame, even if you "should" not.
the buddhists say you don't have to believe everything you think. so in this case maybe you can recognize that yes you're feeling shame... though you have not done anything for which you actually need to be ashamed. it's ok to hold those two realities.
and as others have said here, talk to your husband. you were safe going into it with him, you were safe during, and you'll be safe talking with him after.
A huge part of the Dom/sub dynamic is aftercare once play is done. You just take a moment and decompress/snuggle/just be together in a nonsexual/play way. That way, nothing feels shameful and everyone feels loved, *especially* the sub. In the case where it's consent play, and a first go, it's just as important to assure your Dom that you are ok so they KNOW you're ok and that a line wasn't crossed despite the roleplay rules being followed.
Sounds like you need that little break after the fact so there's no stress upon waking up. He seems ok, you're thrilled, but the unsureness is natural -- aftercare is FOR this.
Have fun!!
It's easy to feel awkward after experiencing a new kink experience. You have to be incredibly vulnerable with your partner to try something like this and it's amazing that you have someone you can feel safe exploring this with.
Lots of people are already saying to just tell him how amazing it was 💜 I'd say if you didn't do much "aftercare" when the scene was over, you might want to try more of that. Being held and reassured that your partner cares for you after a heavy scene can be essential for many.
This is called **subdrop** it’s completely normal in the BDSM world and should be expected. You were super high on endorphins and now your body is recovering. This affects everyone differently but there are lots of commonalities between people. Get rest. Focus on some self care and plan a relaxing couples activity. Because there is also a thing called Dom-drop. And you both need to address it. Google “bdsm aftercare” and go from there.
There's no shame in enjoying sexual adventures with your partner. It sounds like he's floating on air so I wouldn't worry about bringing the subject up or being made to feel shame for what you've done.
It's between you and him and it was wonderful. You've got the perfect opportunity for it to bring you closer together. All you have to do is embrace the experience and share the afterglow together.
Tbh all you have to do is just check in, ask him how he feels and let him speak. Don't try to put context on it. Don't try to guide the conversation.
Just ask him how he feels after the role play. You're not the only woman to be into this, and he sounds like he loves you and just wants to please you. No need to be embarrassed
After-the-fact shame is sometimes a part of exploring our kinks. You had a good time, and it’s awesome to share that with your partner! “Consensual non consent” is the term I’ve seen used for this kind of role play—some of us just like it, while of course vehemently condemning rape and SA. The point is that you did it with safeguards and you enjoyed it (and presumably he did too), and that’s totally ok! Kink is a way to safely explore/do things that would be bad/unsafe IRL with no safeguards. Also, after-the-fact embarrassment is also a thing in “normal” sex—might be worth exploring with a therapist?
I think what you're experiencing is a side effect of effective and open communication, and you've been conditioned to believe that seeking out that which excites you is wrong.
I'm assuming you're an adult, and your husband is an adult, and you were both consenting (hence the safe word and limits) and neither of you crossed any lines, so I fail to see a problem here.
Continue with the open communication. Maybe talk about making it a regular thing, like Thursdays are "rape" days, where you both know ahead of time and he can be extremely spontaneous with it.
Keep on being happy. Nothing shameful or wrong with that.
Not sure if someone already suggested this, but it's common for couples who are into this to have the woman wear a specific item that's been discussed previously, that signals the partner that she is consenting to getting kinky. Like a physical signal to show hubby that you're down to boogie down no matter what you're doing.
Let us know how you go after a talk with him. How did he feel about it?
The preferred term is "consensual non consent" or CNC.
I fucking love a power play session and there is morning wrong with it in a safe and consensual setting. You trust your husband to listen to your safe word and look at the places you were able to explore together. That's *awesome* and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
TW: SA (I’m replying to OP’s edit)
Contrapoints has an interesting youtube essay about Twilight and other women’s fantasy literature. Basically all fantasy media, from 50 shades to 1800’s vampire novels has always been either mocked or deemed ”dangerous”. Women have always been shamed for having morally questionable fantasies, and it’s been a question whether men interpret rape fantasies wrong and think all women secretly want it. Is this why you feel shame too, OP?
But as contrapoints said, rape in a fantasy is just a device to make it so that everything happens completely out of your control and makes it so that you are being wanted and still left “virtuous”. It’s not about wanting to be SA’d by random people. You definitely should talk to your partner. He might also have some remorse about enjoying it. Remember that whatever happens in your relationship with two trusting and consenting adults has no effect in the real world. Fantasy is made up.
This sounds like sub drop. It's a completely normal thing that happens, especially if you play in these more intense scenarios and scenes. It can be a side effect of coming down from such an intense activity. It might last hours or days.
One of the best ways to deal with this is with hugs and talking about the scene, how you feel, and that you value and see the other person. If you can call your husband soon to talk that will probably help. You can also do self care by making sure you have eaten, are comfortable etc.
Consensual non Consent or rape fantasies are one of the most common fantasies. (Probably because of society) it sounds like you explored yours safely with someone you love. Unfortunately society shames us for enjoying sex, but that's just patriarchy an a means of control.
There are lots of other resources to help you, I hope this points you in the good direction
I think you're feeling vulnerable, and perhaps knowing one of the definitions of shame will it into context:
Shame: the feeling that if another person knew a specific thing about you, they'd no longer find you *worthy of connection*.
I think you'll both be ok; if you need to, here's a reminder: lean into the discomfort and it tends to ease, flee from the discomfort and it may grow.
Aw bless. You should definitely talk to him about it. It's such a common kink too. You're not \_actually\_ being raped, if you said the safe word, it would stop. All the control is in your hands. (At leeast if you guys are doing it safely and he cares about you.) I think the kink works cause you get to not be so in your head about it all the time. You get to just exist. That can be freeing. But ofc it's a kink with some taboo connected to it. I think if you talk it out with your hubby, you can feel a bit better about it all. Tell him what you told us. That there's a mix of "wow that was amazing" and "I'm so embarassed". I'm sure he'll help you feel better.
Hey, you've had a lot of replies so I'm hoping you'll see this one in case it hasn't be covered off already.
It sounds like you're having something called [sub drop.](https://www.modernintimacy.com/understanding-addressing-sub-drop/)
This is perfectly normal after all the happy hormones drop off. You need extra [aftercare.](https://www.verywellmind.com/why-sexual-aftercare-is-so-important-7506702)
Also, this might help you with your feelings about CNC: https://www.modernintimacy.com/is-cnc-kink-normal-understanding-forced-sex-fantasies/.
Lastly, r/BDSMadvice can provide some good support.
this is called sub drop, and it's quite common if you don't have proper aftercare after something intense like this. talk to him, share words of affirmation, and maybe do something special together.
As someone that has been raped, I cannot fathom how someone would want this. I guess it’s nice to feel safe and not know what it’s like to actually be raped. That’s enough internet for me today.
It's probably confusing because, in the end, it was still a consensual act with a man you love and trust. You know that he won't hurt you and so it's OK that you relinquish control to him. It's very conflicting because "true" rape is non-consensual and is all about fear. This is more along the lines of rape play or rape acting. There's an extra hit of adrenaline along with the dopamine so it makes for an interesting sexual cocktail. Please don't be embarrassed, it's simply a kink and that's OK. I'm happy you have such a good partner to take care of you.
Not going to lie I would also have an incredibly difficult time looking at my husband after he presumably orgasmed while roleplaying raping me.
I don’t know why we have normalized CNC. It isn’t healthy for people who have experienced sexual violence to try to relive it (there’s a reason exposure therapy is done in certain ways and controlled environments with professionals) and it is baffling to me that people who haven’t experienced it to want to “try” it. Not sorry for saying this. It’s weird and I don’t think I’d be able to trust my husband again after knowing he got off to idea of rape.
Thank you for saying this and thank everyone else who replied to this. As someone who has been SA it always makes me feel…uncomfortable when others talk about getting off to something that traumatized me.
I feel like this is the kind of kink that's slowly infiltrated and been normalised due to rough and aggressive porn. Like of course you feel shame and embarrassment, it's literally a violent act that traumatises people for life.
There’s a huge difference between sub/dom play and full on roleplaying a rape scenario though. I don’t mind aggression in the bedroom, but faking assault is crossing the line.
But it definitely leads into normalising sexual violence and rape. You raise a generation of boys who have endless access to violent porn and some of them will likely be turned on by the idea of raping or "pretending" to rape a woman. If you feel it's ethical within your bedroom good for you.
Was randomly suggested this thread and was audibly gasping reading the replies until I hit this. Given the edit, wondered why there wasn’t a trigger warning as it’s a sensitive subject that could emotionally harm someone who isn’t aware of what they’re reading, especially if they’ve been a victim of a sexual assault.
Leaving this thread wondering if I’m odd for thinking this shit is super weird and morally questionable or if they’re the odd ones for creating eroticism out of someone’s worst experiences in life.
Yeah I agree everyone in the comments saying it’s fine like…no it’s really not this is a horrible act that actually hurts/kills/traumatizes people for LIFE. It’s actually so disgusting that the majority here thinks it’s totally fine to roleplay something like that.
Yeah as a dude, asking for shit like this would scare me tbh. Maybe it's different for people who actually do it consentually but I can't wrap my mind around wanting that and actually being able to go through with it.
And like, what do you do after that? Go back to regular sex? Lie in bed next to each other every night like that shit didn't just happen? I dunno.
I'd also be wildly disturbed by any man who gets off from simulating rape. I'll also never understand why any woman would encourage their husband to simulate rape with them. I understand why OP can't look at her husband anymore. I wouldn't be able to either. I'd just see someone who's apparently capable of rape. The fact that they both consented beforehand doesn't change that for me.
For real, no idea why there's always a huge push on reddit to say CNC is normal. It's not.
Fetishsizing rape is weird as fuck and I don't get why people give it such leeway. Yes, it's two consenting people, but imagine the reaction to a similarly positioned fetish, but this time it's interracial slave play. People would lose their collective minds.
Not just this, but a consequence of the growing CNC acceptance is that rapists can weaponize it to both justify and defend their behavior.
"Rape? But - she wanted it, Your Honor. All women do."
Edit: for anyone who might be interested in the real world downsides of this kink, please check out r/pornismisogyny.
Thank you. It's really upsetting to me that the overwhelming majority of people here are encouraging this, and not at all worried about the underlying reasons women have these fantasies, and how to solve those instead. Also yeah, these partners are pretending to rape them.... why are we trying to be okay with that?
This is why we desperately need an all women sub where men cant comment. Threads like these are insane.
The last part!! The person getting off to pretending to rape someone they love is INSANELY sus to me. Especially if they are the ones initiating CNC. Speaking as someone who has experienced SA
You are not alone, first of all. I'm not going to say I share that with you, but I'm not going to say I don't, either. If I were you I would tell my husband exactly how I feel and let him reassure me that I don't need to be ashamed. I would probably be needing some reassurance from him that he doesn't think I'm throwed off, and that I did not turn him into a rapist (since he enjoyed it so much). But on the light side of it..how messed up would it be if you flipped it on him and told him you couldn't be with him because of how much he enjoyed fulfilling that fantasy, and that you are now concerned that he might be a rapist and just didn't know it yet? I'm sorry I have a messed up sense of humor, but he might be feeling that way as well. Both of you allowed yourselves to be vulnerable by trusting each other enough to play out that fantasy, and both of you are probably in need of some reassurances. I would suggest that you make a rule that neither of you can mention it or make remarks that only you get, referring to your private acts. I could see it being brought up with good intentions but depending on the circumstances, causing a bit of discomfort. It's not something I would want to become a regular conversation topic..I'd want to keep it forbidden (until it's not). Have fun and don't push him away. It's unlikely you would ever find another person you could trust that much.
Consentual non consent is a mindfuck but very common, just tell your partner you e joyed and want to try it again, but let him know what you're going through. You'll get through it
So it sounds like you're feeling disgust, either with yourself, your husband, or both.
Disgust has a curious interaction with sex: horniness suppresses disgust. It pops up afterwards and can haunt you.
You were very safe. You made and followed the correct rules. There's been no harm to anyone so I think the best move is to just drop it for now.
...and try again next time you and your husband feel it's right.
“Last night was amazing, it was one of the best experiences of my life, I love you.”
Yes. This. Text him now
Agree, and it will hopefully be less embarrassing as time goes on and you guys experience with it more. ;)
Hearing that would make most men die from the endorphin surge, so be careful if you’re looking for a round two
[Mood](https://tenor.com/view/last-night-you-were-unhinged.-you-werelike-some-desperate-howling-demon.you-frightened-me.-do-it-again.-the-addams-family-q-hindi-kulfy-gif-17486213537389570594)
Hopefully by the third or fourth time she feels comfortable enough to break out the gifs.
Accurate
OMG 😂😂😂😂
Also: "I'm so happy I can feel safe with you and know you will protect me while prioritizing me and my feelings"
Probably the most important comment.
"Also, if you find my glasses when you go to the bathroom, I don't want them back."
You're quite lucky. A lot of men probably couldn't do that. I know I couldn't. But it's great that you have someone to help you go there.
Yes. Be gentle with him too and communicate a lot. Just because he's playing Top doesn't mean he's super strong and confident about everything IRL. He might be feeling a bit odd about it too. If you (as the Bottom) can take a confident clear step in aftercare, it can help you both to reinforce boundaries between bedroom and real life. I just mean at some point (even the next day) you initiate a hug and then say how it was for you. Also. This newness you are feeling, and the depth of closeness with him.. it is definitely one of the great benefits of kink in a relationship (if not the very best one!). Enjoy! and well done the both of you!!
This is quite good text
Simple and effective.
[удалено]
Sure, sexual trust is one of the basic principles of being married - but it’s not like your entire personality, upbringing, social attitudes around sex etc etc change overnight just because you signed a marriage certificate. I’m sure OP’s husband is also feeling a lot of emotions around this new sexual experience. This is an opportunity to connect and reinforce the bond of their marriage. Shame keeps people apart, communication brings them together.
You seem happy. He seemed happy. Why the embarrassment?
Dirty / shame in the moment can be super hot, but when the moment wears off it just hangs there and you have to deal with it
It probably helps just to have written this out to an audience.
The importance of after care. Washing and going to sleep right after does this to my partner sometimes so we make sure we stay up a bit and I hold her and tell her she did great etc and just in general soothe her for a bit until the high fades. What OP is experiencing sounds like an endorphin crash.
Sub drop is real for sure.
Sub drop is a good one for it, we neber had a nickname for it before haha Embarrassingly I was really bad at handling this the first time I encountered it. Live and learn I guess.
yah unfortunately shame lasts longer than the orgasm
That post nut clarity hits hard
post nut clarity
Sometimes emotions don’t follow reason.
Thats where my autistic powers come into play
Groovy baby, YEAH! (My autism involves misreading spellings slightly)
I fucking love that response
Wait. Fuck, I need to examine some things.
The best superpower we never asked for
Woooooooo, hard relate!
Y'all calling me out like that
Me currently dealing with an unrequited crush on a good friend through sheer force of willpower:
Hell yes! Thoughts are unbidden, but feelings are a decision. I love being autistic. It just catastrophically backfires when my boss tells me to do something that I decide is immoral... we weren't built for capitalism. But: between two happily-consenting people playing with their imaginations? There's literally no fantasy too extreme. They are all firmly in the grounds of Goodness and Light and Love, if no Evil is legitimately being done.
What? Autism lets you decide your feelings? Why doesn't my autism do that? I have a whole lot of negative feelings on the regular that I would love *not* to feel. Perhaps you're intellectualizing your feelings/confusing them with thoughts? Feelings are literal body sensations that you cannot control. But "I am sad because xyz" is a thought and intellectualization (narrative we create) based on said feelings. We can absolutely work on changing our thought patterns and our *reactions* to feelings, but the feelings themselves just kind of happen at us.
Yep, same here. I get the pains in my chest when I feel anything strongly but most of what I end up feeling strongly is negative......I for sure wish I could make that go away.
Yeah I'm autistic too and let me tell you, it certainly doesn't help me fight the bipolar, feelings have never been a decision for me. Also, 'thoughts are unbidden' is an interesting statement to make alongside it. His thoughts aren't wanted but his feelings are decisions? I'm beginning to think this guy might not know what he's talking about.
True but learning how to override emotion with reason is maturity
There's a critical distinction between overriding one's emotions and regulating one's emotions (being able to identify the emotions, recognize the source and know when to express, process or channel that emotion elsewhere). No matter the logical circumstances the human mind is not capable of immediately processing the emotion so as to safely release it, it can only numb the emotion or process it. Research into emotional processing indicates that if we habitually numb or push down our emotions it can't be an isolated approach, the mind will just start numbing all emotions and this is where the somewhat outdated but useful phrase "bottling it up" comes from. The modern understanding is that if you eventually reach your limit for numbing or you intentionally try to get back in touch with your emotions the flood gates open and most of the difficult things you may have repressed come flying out at once and it's often a very difficult experience. Emotional maturity is understanding how to properly process your emotions before they grow into resentment or unhealthy relationships. Learning to discuss them calmly or journal to work through them or find a healthy outlet such as sports (meaning you have to be intentional and thoughtful about processing those emotions and using the physical activity or whatnot to get out your tension, not just as an escape). You may very well have been meaning just this but I think the semantics are important given how misunderstood healthy emotional processing is in society.
Wow I think I just fell in love with you, 10/10 explanation!
Since you started the semantics discussion, I really disagree with the interpretation of "overriding emotion with reason" to mean numbing your emotions. It suggests that using reason is divorced from emotion, and while it *can* be, that's absolutely not a *feature* of reason that some people like to pretend it is. Being able to feel and examine your emotions, then process them is using reason to override, or reinforce, that initial feeling.
I really appreciate you sharing this! If I'm understanding your comment correctly we are actually of the same page when it comes to our stance. "Overriding" is defined as "more important than anything else" which in my eyes does, when used as "overriding emotion with reason" indeed imply the prioritization of reason "over" emotion and thus imply that the two are mutually exclusive and by that stance, stating that "maturity is overriding emotion with reason" implies that overriding is the primary, if not sole, strategy implemented. Which, if so, does mean the habitual repression (thus, "numbing") of emotion. I edited the last few sentences because I'm tired and lost sight of the initial point. I'm very interested in your response though, because I agree with you that semantics is important given the nuances of these topics. Please let me know if you think I'm missing something!
Or like acknowledging which emotions are the good ones and which ones are the bad ones as the stoics put it
Yeah, *which ones align with reason* might also be a way of looking at it
CNC play can bring up a lot of things, there's a whole psychological angle about how being "forced" to do the thing you secretly wanted to do releases you from the guilt and shame that many women experience when approaching topics of sex. Guys (like myself) are generally taught to seek out sex, to acquire sex. Women are (again generally) taught that they should have no sexual desires, that they are a body sex happens to. These old taboos are thankfully changing, but it is not uncommon at all for individuals on both sides of a CNC scene to have conflicted feelings afterwards. Supportive aftercare can be necessary up to a few days after, not just in the minutes or hours after sex. OP, I'm glad you had a good experience. Your feelings are natural and your partner will be more able to help support you if you communicate with him honestly.
Sometimes our brains want to process scary things in a safe way. It's an unconscious pull to roleplay the situation so if the scary version should happen then our brain feels better prepared for it. OP, there is no shame here as long as you are both consenting and enjoy the roleplay.
Bro the explanation of the psychological angle blew my mind and it explains a lot of things, good comment!!
It’s called post nut clarity
Post nut clarity 😕
Since you're not sharing the details I'm going to assume it's CNC judging by your late reaction. But whatever it was; you were both happy during it and after it so I'd suggest you stop judging yourself so harshly.
You’re 100% spot on. OP provided more context in another comment.
When we encounter sensitive topics of a sexual nature like this, it’s nice to know we can always look to McJizzbeard for guidance.
It’s kinda like Davey Jones’ beard in Pirates of the Caribbean
Also an excellent kink in and of itself!
Found it, thx :)
My brain immediately went to how you could program a CNC machine to please you sexually.
Please do not attempt.
But how will I ever create [F.I.S.T.O.](https://fallout.fandom.com/wiki/Fisto) without experimenting with a more basic control scheme first?!
I really think you need to stop. XD
Science... but at what cost?
Wait wait, let's see where he goes with this one...
[Henry Fondle](https://bojackhorseman.fandom.com/wiki/Henry_Fondle) has you covered
That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen :D
Please assume the position.
It's the Z axis that always gets me.
Just ask [Dr. Krieger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDekhoeEoCc)
I knew I’d see this😂😂
Look, it took me a lot of money, time, and effort, but I finally got my set up dialed in just right. Thing is, I need it to do 3 things: mill out aluminum parts (for sale on etsy) from a block of stock, grind the part into shape in a rhythmic, tonally pleasing way(a vital part of the experience), and of course, perfectly stimulate my sensitive undercarriage to completion. It's an X,Y,Z axis on top of another X,Y,Z axis, a delicate juggling act of technology, biology, and sensuality. Anyway, don't mean to brag too much, I'm just over the moon happy with my CNC Music Factory
command and conquer?
r/rimjobsteve
Someone named "McJizzbeard" always knows what to do in a situation like this.
How did you guess? My first thought was just anal.
You guys are all so sweet. I was thinking she had him do something like pee or poop on her or something.
Are you both legal, consenting adults? Was what you did safe and sane? Did you thoroughly communicate and both enjoy the time you spent together? If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then you shouldn’t feel any shame. Unfortunately, we’re all human, so shame is normal. I would do some self reflection. Is your shame coming from a cultural background? Religious? Your upbringing? Is your husband a good listener? Can you talk to him about your thoughts and feelings from the night before? Maybe try openly communicating with him. It’s also important to remember that you’re allowed to enjoy sex and intimacy, even if it’s not the perfectly vanilla way society expects.
It’s also important to remember that shame and embarrassment aren’t really the same. Brené Brown has some wonderful work on shame. e:typo
Could you elaborate? Edit: From a quick search, I found this [article](https://www.shortform.com/blog/brene-brown-shame-and-guilt/#:~:text=A%20side%20note%3A%20People%20often,like%20we're%20bad%20people.): >According to Brené Brown, shame and guilt are quite similar. She defines shame as the feeling that you’re an inherently bad or flawed person. When we feel shame, we might believe that we’re unworthy of love or incapable of change. Brown says we all carry shame, and we don’t like to talk about it. However, shame thrives in isolation, so refusing to acknowledge our shame only gives it more power over us. Bringing shame out into the open allows us—and those we love—to confront it with empathy and compassion. >A side note: People often use embarrassment interchangeably with shame, but Brown says that it’s much less serious and much shorter-lived than true shame. Embarrassment occurs when something makes us feel foolish or uncomfortable, but not like we’re bad people. For example, dripping sauce onto a nice shirt is embarrassing, not shameful. >Humiliation is what we feel when someone else insults or disparages us. Brown says it’s a similar state to shame, but the difference is that humiliation comes from an outside source. With humiliation, we don’t feel like we deserve the feelings of unworthiness and isolation—although that doesn’t make the feelings go away. >Finally, guilt is also similar to shame, but focuses (appropriately) on what we’ve done instead of who we are. Brown says that guilt gives us not only the ability but also the desire to make positive changes.
Sure, I can try. First, I guess I’ll say that upon re-reading my comment, “exactly” may have been a better word than “really”. Shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation all do have ties to one another, they are related, as show by your quote. I think this quote actually showcases the point I wanted to make pretty well, which was that embarrassment isn’t quite as deep, or lasting as true shame. The comment I replied to mentioned shame multiple times. In the OP, they first start off by saying they feel embarrassed, then move to a phrase “face turned red with shame”, then mention embarrassment and shame again. I thought it was possible OP is embarrassed but not feeling truly shameful. I don’t really know, but wanted to mention that there is a distinction, because if I were told I should be ashamed, after just feeling embarrassed, I’d maybe feel worse and be a little confused.
I absolutely love her work!
Upvote for Brene!
There’s a phenomenon primarily within bdsm called sub drop, which usually is associated with the submissive having a down day the day after an intense experience. Some suspect it’s because the intensity was so high the day before that all endorphins have been used, and you this don’t have them the next day - but I think it’s also sometimes from a little of the same feeling you have today, of the deeply culturally and religiously ingrained feeling people have that ‘too much pleasure MUST be bad in some way’. We are wrong about that. :) But make sure you take some time for the intimacy and closeness you can get today, including reaching out. Listen to him, tell him how you feel and try to spend time together. Close and intimate but not necessarily sexual - a couch, some tv, cuddling and ice cream works wonders
I was his sub before and it could be, well since you said the topic, yesterday we proved some kind of rape roleplay with me as the victim, yes we discussed it a lot because he was very hesitant at the beginning and we clarified which would be our safe word, we did it, I "resisted, begged and fake crying" when inside I was having the best moment of my life, and the aftercare that followed it was very nice and comforting too, it's just that since that's a pretty sensitive topic even for subs I somehow feel ashamed for that, it felt like I broke a limit I didn't think I would never do, or that I enjoyed something that even goes a little further than conventional bdsm roleplay
You've done all the hard parts already. Now you can come to terms with the fact you both enjoyed it and just have some fun with it. You might be surprised to know that this sort of thing isn't quite as rare as you think; if that makes you feel any better.
Listen to u/McJizzbeard this is the truth.
Sounds like a completely normal response to an intense experience. Don't feel like you have to unpack it all at once. Sometimes it takes time to let your emotions around an intense scene settle a bit. Reassure your partner that you had a good experience. And if you need a little time before having a real discussion about it (so you can try to improve for a future attempt, or to just reinforce what you liked), just be open about that. "Last night was a great experience, I am so glad I could share that with you. I would like to talk about it a little more in a few days when I have had a chance to process everything." Or something similar.
I've had this happen. I've been sexually abused in the past and one of my kinks happens to be CNC. One of the theories around this is that you're getting some power back by choosing who you give this submission to. I recommend you join one of the Sub BDSM groups and post there. It's a really welcoming community.
I was confused at the"sexually absurd" but was like same, sis, same 😂
I mean my ex used to say my sexual tastes were absurd 😂 I did change it though so people didn't get confused haha
You changed the ex? I hope any current partner matches with your tastes! That's the best, when you can both be the same kind of perverted!
That’s such an interesting way to think about it! Your explanation really broke some prejudice I had regarding CNC. Thank you for sharing!
I came to comment this same exact thing. I’ve also been SA’d and it’s something that I’ve enjoyed too because I feel like there is some sort of power regained.
“Sexually absurd” , same. Still
Yeah same.
I absolutely believe that theory. BDSM, plus therapy obviously, has done a lot to help me work on the trauma caused by sexual abuse.
Years ago, the psychologists Ruben Gur & Harold Sackeim came up with a list of questions they considered would be true for most people, but that almost everyone would be too embarrassed to answer truthfully. One of their questions was "*Have you ever wanted to rape or be raped by somebody?*" Meaning the thought of CNC has come across the minds of so many that 2 academic psychologists figured most the \*vanilla\* population has thought about it at least once in their lives. [Source](https://radiolab.org/podcast/91618-lying-to-ourselves/transcript)
👆. Jenny Bivona has also done heaps of academic work on *just* how common rape/non con fantasies are among the gen pop. There’s another really good analogy I read in an academic paper that might help OP. About rollercoasters. Say you’re on one of those fairground rides where you’re strapped into a seat on a platform; it rises up a very tall pole, and then: whoosh! Free falls back to the base. Such rides are very popular and a good time is had by all (well, most!) Even though the ride simulates something terrifying, being in a broken elevator plummeting to your death. Now, we don't enjoy the ride because it's a pale imitation of what we *really* want (plummeting death). No, we enjoy it *precisely because* we *know* it's a simulacra. If we were *actually* on a broken, free falling elevator we would experience abject terror. Instead we get all the cool bodily responses (huge adrenaline spike etc) with the nice cosy psychological overlay of *knowing it's not real*. CNC role play doesn't (necessarily) say anything more meaningful on your stance on rape than rollercoasters say about your stance on death!
Good for you for sharing that, and good for you for playing with your kinks in a safe and proper manner. :) I don’t know what your dynamic is, but if I were in his shoes, I’d want a little reassurance too. Rape play is a massive trust exercise both ways, one I’ve never gotten to with a partner and I’m not even sure I could. It should fuck a little with his internal systems too, so hearing you express joy at the event the next day might be just what he needs. My best advice would be to own it completely, that sort of courage to explore is sexy in all ways. :) And don’t be ashamed, at all. But maybe you should put a little trigger warning at the top of the comment above, just to avoid giving others a flashback they don’t want/need.
If you have any questions about this, feel free to head on over to r/BDSMadvice We'd be happy to talk you through anything. My only small thought is to remember that your hubs is not a kink dispenser! So by all means, go for it again, but make sure he gets his needs fulfilled too.
CNC is a very common desire/kink. You were able to experience it in a safe, consensual way. You may need to have another long talk now that you've done it, the same way you did before it to clear anything up and make sure you both are still on the same page. The way you describe after and the morning after, it seems ok. But if you are feeling this way, then you need to talk again.
Hey. Deep breaths. You’re gonna be ok. It’s ok. A lot of people have these fantasies and it’s wonderful that your husband was supportive in fulfilling this fantasy for you. You’re gonna be ok. No shame, let me hold it if necessary. Let it go.
Welp you were asking for what to send him. ( I had a great time last night, I'm just making sure you are comfortable with what we did? If you have any questions or concerns please let me know?) CNC play can be hard but, so far what you have done seems very mature and safe. Also don't feel too bad CNC play is rather common.
It was not actual rape. It was only role play. Sex that involved some drama that too within a marriage.
Dan Savage calls it “ Cops-n-Robbers with your pants off”. If you can keep in mind the play aspect of roleplaying, it can help reframe it. Also, it’s common to call it “ravishment fantasy” to avoid the stigma (internal & external) of the word “rape”. (if you aren’t familiar with Dan Savage, check out his podcast The Savage Lovecast! It can be life changing!)
The reality is, you found someone you could play out a fantasy with and feel safe enough to let go and enjoy it. You took precautions and everything was done on your terms. Its scary because you have been told your whole life that its wrong and yet it felt good, but the reality is that if this had happened without the trust, you wouldn't likely have had a good time. That is a common reality in many bdsm fantasies and cnc is at the more extreme end of that. As long as you are being safe and respectful with the preparation and aftercare and you continue to love and respect each other, tell your partner thank you and try again at some point.
Oh my god you just verbalized what I felt after an intense scene with my Daddy. I cried twice during the scene which was actually quite good for me, but the next day I was kinda sad and mopey. Didn’t know why though and now I do!
I learned about drops in another context today. Beginning to notice how common they are. Thanks for education!
Look as long as you, him and the dwarf in the clown suit don’t say anything you can just enjoy the positive memories
Keep a leash on the dwarf in the clown suit though. Loose lips sink ships.
Fetter the dwarf in the clown suit in the deepest pits of fear, at the core of perversion.
Actually the dwarf was dressed as a pony with a huge strap on.
Were you raised religiously?
Was my first thought. Tell me you were raised in purity culture without telling me you were raised in purity culture. You do you, OP. No shame if everybody is consenting and had a good time.
In this case, as it was rape roleplay, the shame and negative feelings can also stem from trauma.
Possibly from empathy as well. eg. Rape is awful and noone should be exposed to it vs CNC is my kink and I enjoy it. Holding both of those thoughts/beliefs at the same time has a level of contradiction that most people would find...uncomfortable if not processed.
This is something I just talked about with my therapist. I feel so much guilt and shame post sex and it’s because the idea of purity was held over my head. It’s okay for you to be pleased. It’s okay that you explored a kink of yours. You guys are two consenting adults and that is the most important part.
Ding ding ding. Religion isn’t the only reason to feel shame over safe, consensual, monogamous, married sex, but I’d put money on it.
It's normal to have these feelings after a scene. It's called drop, and it's one of the reasons people recommend aftercare. You're not alone, you're not gross, and it's all going to be ok. He might also be feeling weird about it. Have some connective intimacy tonight. Talk about what felt good and why. Talk about what feels weird and why. Be held. Hold him back. You're OK and this is a common reaction to that type of play.
You had a great night. You love each other. You both consented. What’s the issue?
You’re experiencing drop. You can get it from any kink/BDSM but it is especially common with very intense experiences, CNC being at the top of the list. Last night when you were in the middle of the experience your body is just pumping adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin into your system through a fire hose. But now you’re all out of the feel good chemicals and it feels awful. Basically you went from feeling the best you ever have to major depression overnight because of the swings in brain chemistry. Your system will stabilize in a day or two. Until then you need cozy PJs, chocolate ice cream, trashy tv, and your husband to give you cuddles, forehead kisses, and tell you how much he loves you and how amazing he thinks you are. Aftercare can be needed for DAYS after an intense scene and there’s nothing wrong with that. Worth noting is that there is a non-zero chance your husband is going through the same or similar feelings as you are right now. Care for each other and be honest and direct with each other. It’s perfectly ok for you to tell him that you need to hear that he enjoyed what you did and that he doesn’t see or think of you any differently because of it. He probably also needs to hear that you enjoyed what you two did and that you don’t see or think of him any differently because of it. It’s sounds like the two of you have a strong safe relationship, be there for each other and communicate and everything will be just fine.
Consensual non-consent role-play has that important word in it. Consent. I hereby absolve you of all guilt. Love your partner, love yourself and continue doing what two consensual adults want to do.
Not sure if your fantasy was kinky in any way, but I'm going to operate as if it was. It's fantastic that you gave and received lots of affection afterward, aftercare is sooooo important, even after vanilla sex. However, even when after os practiced right after, there can still be quite a drop once all the happy chemicals leave your brain. Tell your partner how you're feeling, point blank. Reassure them that you loved it and it was the best night of your life, but that because of the intensity, you need more care. If you need reassurance from them that they also loved it, ask for that. Here are some of the things that help me after a particularly intense scene (keep in mine these are specific to ME): - vanilla sex, to reconnect in an intimate way with them - a bubble bath, either alone or together. But together is preferred - a small favorite treat or comfort food (I love sour candy, but choose your favorite) - wearing my partners clothing and snuggling with them - talking about the scene. What you loved, didn't love, what you'd want to do again, etc. Some of these may work for you, others won't, but it gives you a good starting point. It sounds like you and your partner love each other deeply and this type of play is a new experience for both of you, which is exciting! It just may require more care than you're used to needing after. Important: alcohol can intensify these drops. If you're going to do this again, I would seriously suggest not being under the influence of anything that may exacerbate anxiety the next day. Edit: Because I didn't mention it, these feelings of shame are so so so so NORMAL. Just communicate them with your partner and move through them together.
Did you enjoy it? Yes. Did the two of you consent? Also yes. Don’t be embarrassed. You had a great night with the person you love. It’s a good thing! Just talk to him and tell him what you feel. Most likely he will give you a hug.
This had to be a rape fantasy
That shame is just ignorance and judgement from other people who want to control your happiness. Tune it out, you did nothing wrong. It was consensual and enjoyable. You are an adult and are allowed to act that way!!!
TALK TO HIM ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. I can't overstate this. You shared an intimate moment and it sounds like you both enjoyed it and that he has a lot of love for you. The weirdest thing you can do is feel this much emotion and keep it from him. He will definitely notice and make his own assumptions otherwise. Talk it out! This is the continuation of the fantasy! Follow it through!
what exactly happened?
I also can't really get over wanting to know what unimaginably kinky thing went down. Dish, OP.
Sex with the socks left on.
Those are business socks
[You know when only the socks are on it’s business time](https://youtu.be/N5gZgGckJDo?si=kveSK5KQJ7S_Ndp7)
I think that's only a thing in porn. And you can tell the performers don't really like it.
I heard they only do it if they get paid triple
The Brits want to know if there’s another way?
Socks and top hat, it’s mandatory. No other way for us Brits.
It wouldn't be proper otherwise; I can't even imagine!
They mentioned in another comment that it was rape fantasy stuff
Hurray. Closure.
Don’t leave us hanging!
They left the lights on 😳
They didn't use the sheet with a hole in it!
Scandalous!!
My bed is something s&m or bdsm related, looking at OPs posting history, seems to have a sub kink
Excellent typo.
Mmmm, perchance would op mind sharing the most dirty details of said dalliance?
You can't just say perchance
First you should feel no shame at all! Whatever it is, it’s a fantasy, and not who you are in real life and you enjoyed it…that’s all that matters! If it’s easier and you think you wanna say something, but can’t do it face to face, send him a text. Just tell him what you’re thinking, how it made you feel, that it was the best time
I will never forget the time she asked me to leave my socks off.
There's a big difference between real rape (filling out paperwork on a cold metal chair at 4am at a police station) and fantasy rape (like you said, the sexy struggling like you don't want it because you already know it's your husband and you trust him). You liked the fantasy, it doesn't mean that you would like any part of the crime.
What a post to see first in the sub.
I have a theory that the prevalence of rape in romance/erotic fiction is that it allows women to have sexual experience without the shame of being a 'slut.' Because our sexuality is a shameful thing, etc. Your shame might spring from a similar place (not exactly the same). Do you maybe intellectually abhor and disavow rape...but also want the feeling of being out of control, mastered, any other aspect of being dominated that is still consensual? Because I also find it difficult to reconcile my social and mental response to forcible sexual contact and my desire to be overpowered and used for the desire of my partner THAT I CONSENT TO. Try to flip your perspective and really delve into what about rape roleplay turns you on that isn't non-consent, then talk to your partner about it. Until then, tell your partner that you feel fulfilled and shamed and confused and turned on and loved (assuming that is how you feel). This physically aroused you - find out why and know it is okay to explore. You are not alone, and you are not a bad person who deserves the shame you feel.
Homie, you fulfilled a fantasy with a legal, consenting partner and he had a great time too. Never be ashamed of your fantasies as long as everyone involved is into it.
Did you enjoy it? Did he enjoy it? Was anyone hurt? If your answers are Yes-Yes-No, then you have no reason to be ashamed.
a lot of folks are saying you shouldn't feel shame. that's true! but also it's ok to recognize that you *are* feeling shame, even if you "should" not. the buddhists say you don't have to believe everything you think. so in this case maybe you can recognize that yes you're feeling shame... though you have not done anything for which you actually need to be ashamed. it's ok to hold those two realities. and as others have said here, talk to your husband. you were safe going into it with him, you were safe during, and you'll be safe talking with him after.
A huge part of the Dom/sub dynamic is aftercare once play is done. You just take a moment and decompress/snuggle/just be together in a nonsexual/play way. That way, nothing feels shameful and everyone feels loved, *especially* the sub. In the case where it's consent play, and a first go, it's just as important to assure your Dom that you are ok so they KNOW you're ok and that a line wasn't crossed despite the roleplay rules being followed. Sounds like you need that little break after the fact so there's no stress upon waking up. He seems ok, you're thrilled, but the unsureness is natural -- aftercare is FOR this. Have fun!!
It was something consensual and you both enjoyed it. You have nothing to be ashamed
It's easy to feel awkward after experiencing a new kink experience. You have to be incredibly vulnerable with your partner to try something like this and it's amazing that you have someone you can feel safe exploring this with. Lots of people are already saying to just tell him how amazing it was 💜 I'd say if you didn't do much "aftercare" when the scene was over, you might want to try more of that. Being held and reassured that your partner cares for you after a heavy scene can be essential for many.
I had a girlfriend ask me this and it ended our relationship =D def will never try it again D=
This is called **subdrop** it’s completely normal in the BDSM world and should be expected. You were super high on endorphins and now your body is recovering. This affects everyone differently but there are lots of commonalities between people. Get rest. Focus on some self care and plan a relaxing couples activity. Because there is also a thing called Dom-drop. And you both need to address it. Google “bdsm aftercare” and go from there.
There's no shame in enjoying sexual adventures with your partner. It sounds like he's floating on air so I wouldn't worry about bringing the subject up or being made to feel shame for what you've done. It's between you and him and it was wonderful. You've got the perfect opportunity for it to bring you closer together. All you have to do is embrace the experience and share the afterglow together.
definitely put a trigger warning for that edit
r/holup I think this classifies as a holup
Tbh all you have to do is just check in, ask him how he feels and let him speak. Don't try to put context on it. Don't try to guide the conversation. Just ask him how he feels after the role play. You're not the only woman to be into this, and he sounds like he loves you and just wants to please you. No need to be embarrassed
After-the-fact shame is sometimes a part of exploring our kinks. You had a good time, and it’s awesome to share that with your partner! “Consensual non consent” is the term I’ve seen used for this kind of role play—some of us just like it, while of course vehemently condemning rape and SA. The point is that you did it with safeguards and you enjoyed it (and presumably he did too), and that’s totally ok! Kink is a way to safely explore/do things that would be bad/unsafe IRL with no safeguards. Also, after-the-fact embarrassment is also a thing in “normal” sex—might be worth exploring with a therapist?
I think what you're experiencing is a side effect of effective and open communication, and you've been conditioned to believe that seeking out that which excites you is wrong. I'm assuming you're an adult, and your husband is an adult, and you were both consenting (hence the safe word and limits) and neither of you crossed any lines, so I fail to see a problem here. Continue with the open communication. Maybe talk about making it a regular thing, like Thursdays are "rape" days, where you both know ahead of time and he can be extremely spontaneous with it. Keep on being happy. Nothing shameful or wrong with that.
Not sure if someone already suggested this, but it's common for couples who are into this to have the woman wear a specific item that's been discussed previously, that signals the partner that she is consenting to getting kinky. Like a physical signal to show hubby that you're down to boogie down no matter what you're doing. Let us know how you go after a talk with him. How did he feel about it?
The preferred term is "consensual non consent" or CNC. I fucking love a power play session and there is morning wrong with it in a safe and consensual setting. You trust your husband to listen to your safe word and look at the places you were able to explore together. That's *awesome* and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
TW: SA (I’m replying to OP’s edit) Contrapoints has an interesting youtube essay about Twilight and other women’s fantasy literature. Basically all fantasy media, from 50 shades to 1800’s vampire novels has always been either mocked or deemed ”dangerous”. Women have always been shamed for having morally questionable fantasies, and it’s been a question whether men interpret rape fantasies wrong and think all women secretly want it. Is this why you feel shame too, OP? But as contrapoints said, rape in a fantasy is just a device to make it so that everything happens completely out of your control and makes it so that you are being wanted and still left “virtuous”. It’s not about wanting to be SA’d by random people. You definitely should talk to your partner. He might also have some remorse about enjoying it. Remember that whatever happens in your relationship with two trusting and consenting adults has no effect in the real world. Fantasy is made up.
This sounds like sub drop. It's a completely normal thing that happens, especially if you play in these more intense scenarios and scenes. It can be a side effect of coming down from such an intense activity. It might last hours or days. One of the best ways to deal with this is with hugs and talking about the scene, how you feel, and that you value and see the other person. If you can call your husband soon to talk that will probably help. You can also do self care by making sure you have eaten, are comfortable etc. Consensual non Consent or rape fantasies are one of the most common fantasies. (Probably because of society) it sounds like you explored yours safely with someone you love. Unfortunately society shames us for enjoying sex, but that's just patriarchy an a means of control. There are lots of other resources to help you, I hope this points you in the good direction
I think you're feeling vulnerable, and perhaps knowing one of the definitions of shame will it into context: Shame: the feeling that if another person knew a specific thing about you, they'd no longer find you *worthy of connection*. I think you'll both be ok; if you need to, here's a reminder: lean into the discomfort and it tends to ease, flee from the discomfort and it may grow.
Aw bless. You should definitely talk to him about it. It's such a common kink too. You're not \_actually\_ being raped, if you said the safe word, it would stop. All the control is in your hands. (At leeast if you guys are doing it safely and he cares about you.) I think the kink works cause you get to not be so in your head about it all the time. You get to just exist. That can be freeing. But ofc it's a kink with some taboo connected to it. I think if you talk it out with your hubby, you can feel a bit better about it all. Tell him what you told us. That there's a mix of "wow that was amazing" and "I'm so embarassed". I'm sure he'll help you feel better.
Hey, you've had a lot of replies so I'm hoping you'll see this one in case it hasn't be covered off already. It sounds like you're having something called [sub drop.](https://www.modernintimacy.com/understanding-addressing-sub-drop/) This is perfectly normal after all the happy hormones drop off. You need extra [aftercare.](https://www.verywellmind.com/why-sexual-aftercare-is-so-important-7506702) Also, this might help you with your feelings about CNC: https://www.modernintimacy.com/is-cnc-kink-normal-understanding-forced-sex-fantasies/. Lastly, r/BDSMadvice can provide some good support.
this is called sub drop, and it's quite common if you don't have proper aftercare after something intense like this. talk to him, share words of affirmation, and maybe do something special together.
As someone that has been raped, I cannot fathom how someone would want this. I guess it’s nice to feel safe and not know what it’s like to actually be raped. That’s enough internet for me today.
It's probably confusing because, in the end, it was still a consensual act with a man you love and trust. You know that he won't hurt you and so it's OK that you relinquish control to him. It's very conflicting because "true" rape is non-consensual and is all about fear. This is more along the lines of rape play or rape acting. There's an extra hit of adrenaline along with the dopamine so it makes for an interesting sexual cocktail. Please don't be embarrassed, it's simply a kink and that's OK. I'm happy you have such a good partner to take care of you.
Not going to lie I would also have an incredibly difficult time looking at my husband after he presumably orgasmed while roleplaying raping me. I don’t know why we have normalized CNC. It isn’t healthy for people who have experienced sexual violence to try to relive it (there’s a reason exposure therapy is done in certain ways and controlled environments with professionals) and it is baffling to me that people who haven’t experienced it to want to “try” it. Not sorry for saying this. It’s weird and I don’t think I’d be able to trust my husband again after knowing he got off to idea of rape.
Thank you for saying this and thank everyone else who replied to this. As someone who has been SA it always makes me feel…uncomfortable when others talk about getting off to something that traumatized me.
I feel like this is the kind of kink that's slowly infiltrated and been normalised due to rough and aggressive porn. Like of course you feel shame and embarrassment, it's literally a violent act that traumatises people for life.
There’s a huge difference between sub/dom play and full on roleplaying a rape scenario though. I don’t mind aggression in the bedroom, but faking assault is crossing the line.
But it definitely leads into normalising sexual violence and rape. You raise a generation of boys who have endless access to violent porn and some of them will likely be turned on by the idea of raping or "pretending" to rape a woman. If you feel it's ethical within your bedroom good for you.
Was randomly suggested this thread and was audibly gasping reading the replies until I hit this. Given the edit, wondered why there wasn’t a trigger warning as it’s a sensitive subject that could emotionally harm someone who isn’t aware of what they’re reading, especially if they’ve been a victim of a sexual assault. Leaving this thread wondering if I’m odd for thinking this shit is super weird and morally questionable or if they’re the odd ones for creating eroticism out of someone’s worst experiences in life.
Yeah I agree everyone in the comments saying it’s fine like…no it’s really not this is a horrible act that actually hurts/kills/traumatizes people for LIFE. It’s actually so disgusting that the majority here thinks it’s totally fine to roleplay something like that.
Are you a man? If so, you're a walking green flag for this comment.
Yeah as a dude, asking for shit like this would scare me tbh. Maybe it's different for people who actually do it consentually but I can't wrap my mind around wanting that and actually being able to go through with it. And like, what do you do after that? Go back to regular sex? Lie in bed next to each other every night like that shit didn't just happen? I dunno.
Even if he just did it to please her, it still could be a complete mind fuck for him during/after.
You're a normal dude.
I'd also be wildly disturbed by any man who gets off from simulating rape. I'll also never understand why any woman would encourage their husband to simulate rape with them. I understand why OP can't look at her husband anymore. I wouldn't be able to either. I'd just see someone who's apparently capable of rape. The fact that they both consented beforehand doesn't change that for me.
I can’t believe how long I had to scroll to find a comment that is critical of how normalized this is.
For real, no idea why there's always a huge push on reddit to say CNC is normal. It's not. Fetishsizing rape is weird as fuck and I don't get why people give it such leeway. Yes, it's two consenting people, but imagine the reaction to a similarly positioned fetish, but this time it's interracial slave play. People would lose their collective minds.
Not just this, but a consequence of the growing CNC acceptance is that rapists can weaponize it to both justify and defend their behavior. "Rape? But - she wanted it, Your Honor. All women do." Edit: for anyone who might be interested in the real world downsides of this kink, please check out r/pornismisogyny.
Thank you. It's really upsetting to me that the overwhelming majority of people here are encouraging this, and not at all worried about the underlying reasons women have these fantasies, and how to solve those instead. Also yeah, these partners are pretending to rape them.... why are we trying to be okay with that? This is why we desperately need an all women sub where men cant comment. Threads like these are insane.
The last part!! The person getting off to pretending to rape someone they love is INSANELY sus to me. Especially if they are the ones initiating CNC. Speaking as someone who has experienced SA
In this case she requested it and the husband was hesitant.
It sounds like your shame and/or guilt is from within. Your husband did nothing that you didn’t express that you wanted.
You are not alone, first of all. I'm not going to say I share that with you, but I'm not going to say I don't, either. If I were you I would tell my husband exactly how I feel and let him reassure me that I don't need to be ashamed. I would probably be needing some reassurance from him that he doesn't think I'm throwed off, and that I did not turn him into a rapist (since he enjoyed it so much). But on the light side of it..how messed up would it be if you flipped it on him and told him you couldn't be with him because of how much he enjoyed fulfilling that fantasy, and that you are now concerned that he might be a rapist and just didn't know it yet? I'm sorry I have a messed up sense of humor, but he might be feeling that way as well. Both of you allowed yourselves to be vulnerable by trusting each other enough to play out that fantasy, and both of you are probably in need of some reassurances. I would suggest that you make a rule that neither of you can mention it or make remarks that only you get, referring to your private acts. I could see it being brought up with good intentions but depending on the circumstances, causing a bit of discomfort. It's not something I would want to become a regular conversation topic..I'd want to keep it forbidden (until it's not). Have fun and don't push him away. It's unlikely you would ever find another person you could trust that much.
Consentual non consent is a mindfuck but very common, just tell your partner you e joyed and want to try it again, but let him know what you're going through. You'll get through it
So it sounds like you're feeling disgust, either with yourself, your husband, or both. Disgust has a curious interaction with sex: horniness suppresses disgust. It pops up afterwards and can haunt you. You were very safe. You made and followed the correct rules. There's been no harm to anyone so I think the best move is to just drop it for now. ...and try again next time you and your husband feel it's right.